an attempt at authenticity

more lessons from Oswald

2010-03-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

"The things we try to avoid and fight against - tribulation, suffering, and persecution - are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. 'We are more than conquerors through Him' 'in all these things'; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn't know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it." -Oswald Chambers

Today's devotion from My Utmost For His Highest is titled "The Source of Abundant Joy" and is based on Paul's words in Romans 8. This familiar passage contains amazing truth of God's love. Two particular verses stood out this morning:

28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

32 "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

These two verses vibrantly express the source of our abundant joy as believers in Christ. I know this to be true, in my mind. I wish my heart and my soul could understand and accept it as well. Because, I could use some joy right now; even if it doesn't come in abundance.

lessons from Oswald

2010-03-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been trying to read Oswald Chambers' classic devotional My Utmost For His Highest on a more frequent basis. While his thoughts are pretty much right on from day to day, every so often it seems that his words, originally published in 1935, were written with me in mind for that specific day. Today's short devotion was one of them. I hope that it encourages you as it did me...

Taking the Next Step
"...in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses" (2 Corinthians 6:4)

"When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the Gospel.

"Every Christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lost interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with it trivial tasks. The thing that really testifies for God and for people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you. Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17."

This also reminded me of a great quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. - "If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well."

why did the frog cross the road? (or frogger for grownups)

2010-02-15T23:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight I became the person that I spent many hours trying to avoid as a child and I am still trying to figure out how that makes me feel.

As I drove the winding curves of Wilsonville Road with a steady rain falling amidst pockets of light fog, I noticed small frogs, illuminated by my headlights, jumping their way across the road. Surprisingly, this wasn't a localized occurrence. I saw frogs crossing the road all along the majority of the 11 mile stretch. Let me be clear, there were not thousands of them, at least not that I saw. But they were noticeable as they jumped out in front of my car from both sides of the road.

I soon realized that most likely some of them failed to reach the promised safety of the other side. And that's when it hit me - I was living out the old Atari video game Frogger that I loved as a child. The one exception was that instead of playing the role of the frog frantically dodging the onslaught of the coming traffic, I was the driver that made such crossings so treacherous.

I don't know how many of the frogs made it across tonight. I learned one important thing playing Frogger: if you're a frog trying to get to the other side, timing your first jump is the most critical to your survival. Hopefully real frogs understand this as well.

Now for some additional Frogger enjoyment (from Seinfeld):

reading what i want

2010-01-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

For the past two and a half weeks I have been on a break from the Ed.D. Program at George Fox University. I find myself happily sandwiched between fall classes (Organizational Change & Decision Making and Foundational Perspectives on Ethics & Diversity) and those starting just over a week from now (Quanitiative Research Methods and Advancing the Organization: Fundraising). The challenge of tackling Miroslav Volf has passed and the anxiety of entering a doctoral level statistics course has yet to set in.

As with most school breaks, the thing I enjoy most is the lack of academic demands on my time. I feel as if I am granted a brief window to catch up on life, resume friendships that have gone untended, clean my house, and read whatever I want. The challenge for me is trying to fit it all in, especially the reading. There are so many books to read, good books. I have shelves of books that I haven't yet read, and the stores are chalk full of others that call out to me whenever I walk by.

And so, with the start of this break I made a conscious decision to read diligently (of which a positive side-effect has been that I've watched a lot less television). Again, my challenge is selecting what to read, or more specifically what to finish. Finally, months later finish Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning? How about Peter Hessler's Oracle Bones: A Journey Between China's Past and Present a book that I started before going to China in July (photos coming if I can get iPhoto to export correctly)? The Servant by James Hunter? The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman? And just when I thought I had enough options to choose from - one of my classmates, Heather, gave me Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything as a Christmas gift. I must say the title really piques my inquisitive side.

In the end, although reading bits and pieces of several of these, so far, I went back to a book that I first read about six years ago as part of a men's ministry program at Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley. The book is Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family by Steve Farrar. I'm not married, nor am I engaged, and I don't have any children. But I hope and pray that all of that is in my future. And if and when those dreams become reality, I want to be ready for the responsibility that comes along with the titles of husband and father.

Point Man does a relatively good job of laying out the need for husbands and fathers to step up to the plate in leading their families. He outlines the Biblical role and responsibility of a husband as a leader, while making crystal clear that this leadership is not to be abused. Men are called to lead their family as a servant, as one seeking the best for those they are leading. Our model is the sacrificial love of Christ.

The book includes some kitschy humor and several silly stories, but the overall point of the book is driven home quite well. I really recommend the book to men that seek to lead their families well, particularly from a Christian worldview.

"lights please"

2009-12-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

And with that, Linus begins his annual reminder of the meaning of Christmas. Many of us have watched A Charlie Brown Christmas for decades. It's a classic, and for some its one of the best parts of the holidays. And yet even in light of the truth that Brother Linus preaches, we continually find ways to make Christmas something else.

Despite our best efforts to take the focus off it's true meaning, that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Merry Christmas.

work in progress

2009-12-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

It has been months, 9 months to be exact, since my last post. I've started writing several, but as of yet, they just aren't ready. Watch for more soon. I have a three week break from school, and vacation time from work. So, I've got a little time to do the things I really enjoy - like writing.

In the mean time, I felt like it was time to update the blog visually and technically. I've already made the switch to a three-column blog format(!), and have started to change the look. In the next few days, there will be some additional changes including the header, new color scheme, and much more.

As for the promised posts on Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, those will show up eventually. I'm currently in the midst of four other books that I want to finish over the break.

Thanks for the encouragement during the stretch when I've been off the grid, and for checking back to see if I've written anything new.

Merry Christmas!

alone and unknown

2009-03-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Every so often I get the feeling that I am, as the title of this post would indicate, alone and unknown. Or perhaps more accurately, unknown and alone.

In these instances, I am overcome by the feeling that very few, if any, know the real me - with all my baggage, issues, and flaws. The result is a palpable sense of being alone.

We all have an innate desire for intimacy, to be known. And yet it is often our own protectionist efforts that keep this desire from being realized. We are so preoccupied with guarding our hearts that we refuse to let down our facades so that others might see and know what is real and true.

And so we end up feeling alone and unknown...like I did tonight.

Your Love Is Strong

2009-02-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

I heard this song for the first time at the Fiction Family concert on Wednesday, and was immediately struck by its familiarity and simplicity. It just may be my new favorite song.

The song is "Your Love Is Strong" by Jon Foreman.

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

learning to trust - part 1

2008-12-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

Seven months ago, I met with Tom Johnson at Chapters. He was preparing to retire from teaching at George Fox, and I wanted an opportunity to sit and have a conversation over coffee with this incredible man before he and his wife moved to the Seattle area. I didn't really know Tom very well, as we had little interaction beyond a few work-related things (he played a critical role in the presidential inauguration that I was responsible for). What I knew of him, however, was that he was a very well-respected, and much loved faculty member who deeply cared for others.

We talked a bit about The Shack, as he was planning on doing some writing about the book. He wanted to get my thoughts, and I wanted to pick his brain a bit too. It was a fascinating conversation. As we wrapped up the discussion about the book, Tom began asking questions about me: my background, my goals and desires, and what God was teaching me. I answered each of his questions, but as is my nature I held back a bit. This was in the midst of a fairly rough patch of life. A short but promising relationship had just ended, and I was a bit lost and overwhelmed as a result. Even though there are probably few people who can be trusted more in this world than Tom, I resisted complete vulnerability.

I did share that I had been wrestling a bit with trust, more specifically how, when and why I trust (or don't trust) God. What I found is that when confronted with deeper spiritual questions like this, Tom is a great person to talk through it with. He shared a bit about his own journey, careful not to imply that his experience held all the answers. As we concluded our time together, he suggested that I read Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. This book had really impacted Tom, and he thought that it may help me process through some of my thoughts on trust. It sounded like a good idea, and so I added it to my long list of books to read.

Several days later I had lunch with my friend Katie. As we talked about life she asked, "Have you ever read Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning?" I just smiled. She too spoke of the impact that this book had on her own spiritual journey. Two strong recommendations of a book that I had previously never heard of, by two disparate people in the span of a few days was enough for me. I bought the book later that day.

This morning, seven months later still wrestling with some of the same questions about trust, I started reading it with intentionality. (I've started it a few times over the past few months, usually as I am laying in bed falling asleep. And with school as an excuse, I just haven't made time for it. The snow outside became the perfect opportunity to begin.) I am quite sure that there will be a number of blogs that come out of this reading in the next few days and weeks, but for now I'll share a few quotes that stood out today.

"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of use destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love" (p. 6).

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision of guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise" (p. 13).

getting back to the point

2008-06-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

"I am dying to be known. Can anyone concur? And yet, sometimes, I forget that being known as someone who I am NOT doesn’t feel any better than not being known in the first place. In fact, I think it feels worse."

These earnest words belong to my friend Ally Spotts from her recent post "the truth, the lies, and the not talking..." As I read them, they began to reverberate through my mind, my heart, my soul. I was, and still am, struck by the simple truth of her words. Perhaps it is because I have come to this realization already. Perhaps it is because despite this previous realization, I still find new and creative ways to mask my identity, to conceal my heart.

These words directly reflect my purpose for creating this blog. To identify and challenge myself, and in turn others, to live in a manner consistent with and in light of my true identity. To be the man that God uniquely created me to be on this earth. I plan on posting more about this soon. In the meantime, read Ally's post. In many ways, she speaks my heart. And she does so in a manner that is far more eloquent that I am able to at this point.

To answer Ally's initial question...Yes, I concur. Do you?

unwrapping nostalgia

2008-06-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

Pulling out of the driveway on his way back to see his wife and son at the hospital the day after his son was born, Bob pressed record on the cassette player. This was long before the advent of video cameras, digital recorders, and other modern recording devices. He had an 8mm movie camera. But because it lacked the ability to record sound and his goal was to record his thoughts, he carefully placed the family tape recorder in the passenger seat and left for the hospital.

This was a significant moment in his life; in the life of his young family. It was their second child, a son; they named him Robert, Jr. He wanted to remember it; to preserve it. For what specifically, he wasn't sure. He merely knew that this was a tape-worthy moment. As he drove the forty-four blocks in the family's white Buick alone, he poured out his heart, his emotion. He spoke of his joy and his hopes. He was methodical and eloquent in his approach and delivery, not disheveled as could be expected under the circumstances. He understood the magnitude of what he was doing and wanted to leave nothing out. He was, and is to this day, a sentimental man. The moment was one to remember, and thanks to the tape recorder faithfully chronicling every word and sound from the passenger seat, it would be.

As he sat excitedly at one of the last stoplights before turning into the hospital's small parking lot, just beginning to wrap up his 10-15 minute emotion-filled discourse, he looked down at the recorder just long enough to see that the button labeled "pause" was also depressed. It was gone; all of it. Despite his best intention to record the full spectrum of emotion that he was feeling, none of it had been saved.

He quickly reset the machine and in the two remaining blocks attempted to recreate all that he had just said. He began by describing his first effort, and then moved quickly into describing his feelings once again. Understandably, this second attempt was hurried. The right words were no longer on the tip of his tongue. They escaped him. As the clutch and squeaky gear shifter provided background noise, the sound of humorous disappointment filled his words as he walked his future listener through the situation and his emotions. The result was a shorter, less eloquent version that still manages to convey the weight of the moment.

My dad shared this story with me while we were eating dinner at Jake's Grill in downtown Portland on my 30th birthday. It's a story that I had never heard before, but one that I could hear him tell over and over again. Although he laughs about the situation now, the emotion that he felt thirty years ago is still there. Later that night after opening gifts, as my parents and I sat talking in the living room, my dad slipped away. Thinking he was headed to the bathroom my mom and I thought nothing of it. A few minutes later he returned with a tape recorder and a tape. Thirty years later, and he knew right where it was. I couldn't believe that he still had it.

He pushed play and we all sat there filled with anticipation, waiting to hear those hurried words spoken thirty years ago by my dad, who was thirty years younger, about me who was less than one day old. I sat in stunned silence hearing my much younger dad's voice; his emotion; his pride.

It was surreal. And was hands down the most amazing birthday present I could have ever received.

Thanks Dad.

mother's day

2008-05-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday was Mother's Day, and it was pretty dang sweet. I showed up at my parents house at about 7:30 a.m. with a bouquet of Lilacs (one of my mom's favorite flowers). They definitely weren't expecting me, and frankly I hadn't planned to see them. I was just going to leave the flowers on the porch with a card.

You see at 6 a.m. I was at PDX to see the Thailand May Serve team off. This is a group of students that is spending about three weeks working alongside ministries in Chaing Mai, Thailand. I really wanted to be there to affirm them in their calling to give up a portion of their summer for such a great purpose. This was my first May Serve send off, and I hope it wasn't my last.

So back to mom...I thought that we would be gone from the airport by about 6:30, I could drop the flowers off by 6:40 and my mom would have a surprise waiting for her when she woke up. Well, we didn't leave the airport until about 7:15...plan foiled. It didn't go the way that I thought it would, but I'm glad. I got to see my parents, give them hugs, and hand the flowers to my mom. I only wished I could have stayed longer (but I had other people in the car).

Yesterday, I was going through some old pictures and I found this one of my mom and I. If I remember correctly I was only a day old and we were still at the hospital (nice decor huh?). Okay, I don't remember that.

I love this picture. I can see the love that she had from me the day I was born. I see her beauty. This past Sunday as I dropped off the lilacs, nearly 30 years later, I saw that same love in her eyes. And, I saw that same beauty.

I love my mom.

I love you mom.

Jesus, All For Jesus

2008-04-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at Baccalaureate we sang this song. I love its message, and pray that increasingly I am able to live out its words.

Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

why we resist...part 2

2008-04-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I decided to tackle the question "Why do we resist authenticity?" As I began writing, I knew that I had more to say than anyone should attempt to fit into one post, so I added "part 1" to the title. That post centered around our desire to be loved. I've had a few conversations since the initial post and as a result I feel the need to slightly amend my central idea that everyone longs to be loved. I now think that the central idea should have been that we long for intimacy, which, in my mind, includes love. Maybe it's just semantics, but I think intimacy conveys a more complete sense of what I intended. If you haven't read my first post on the topic, you should (Cause why not? You're reading blogs right now anyway).

Now on to part 2...

Authenticity requires vulnerability. At the core of vulnerability there exists risk, which is the second reason that we resist authenticity. It's not that we don't want to be authentic. Nor are we opposed to the idea of authenticity. Instead, we are uncomfortable with the inherent risk involved. To some extent this touches on the fear that I talked about in my first post, but I think it goes beyond that.

To be truly authentic with others we must put ourselves in an uncomfortable and unknown position. We must be willing to place our heart in a state of vulnerability. We must lay down our deep seeded habit of trying to protect ourselves. We often resist this though because it opens the door for hurt, and we will do everything in our power to shelter ourselves, to be safe.

Over the past few months I've talked about this with a couple of close friends. In each of these conversations, we've talked about the risk/reward scenario that is played out each time we decide to be authentic or not. If we allow ourselves to open up, we can be truly known but are forced to accept the inherent risk involved. When we don't, we remain in relative safety but have no chance to be truly known. Our choice is easier if we have history with the other person. Exponentially more difficult is when we find ourselves having to decide whether to be authentic with someone that we just met or are just getting to know. Ultimately, the question comes down to whether we believe (or just feel in our gut) that we can trust the other person.

Often times the conversation makes it way to the question of whether our authenticity is worth it, knowing that it may lead to either a life-changing friendship or a lasting disappointment. Risk/Reward. That's all it is. So, is it worth it? I'll save that for another post.

colossae

2008-04-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

My church, Colossae, had its very first gathering yesterday. We met at Chris and Sharon Newman's house in Tigard, where a group of us have been meeting on a somewhat regular basis for a few months. We worshiped, prayed, dove into scripture, and started to get to know one another. It was very good.

I've been anxiously anticipating the start of this new church plant since mid-November when my pastor, Chuck Bomar, first told me about it. Since that time it has been amazing to see the ways that God has brought this church together. It seems that each person has a remarkable story of how He directed them to Colossae. This experience has clearly confirmed that indeed there is no such thing as random occurrence or coincidence. Instead, God often moves in subtle ways that we do not detect as His move in the moment.

Chuck spoke from Romans 6:15-8:1. He talked about our identity in Christ, and our individual need to embrace that true identity as we grow into community as a church. It was weighty stuff. But sin has a way of clouding that identity and condemning us. It is a beautiful truth of our relationship with God and our identity in Christ.

In Christ Alone

2008-04-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

For the past two days I've been singing, humming, and whistling the same song. It's a good one, so I thought I would share it (with who I'm not sure).

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

I'm moved by the way this song lays out the truth of God's love. It resonates in my spirit.

overwhelmed by refinement

2008-04-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone through a stretch when God was trying to teach you so much that your mind, and more importantly your heart, had absolutely no way to process it all? Or at least so you thought in the midst of the chaos. I hadn't until about two weeks ago. That's when God started in on me.

Each lesson came in such quick succession that it has been easy to get overwhelmed. As I began unpacking something that the Lord had showed me, the next thing would hit. My mind raced. I didn't know where to start. I haven't slept very well.

I'm not gonna lie, I haven't really enjoyed it all that much. It has been a confusing, frustrating, and exhausting experience. It has been painful and hard. I've cried. And yet, though the process is uncomfortable, this one fact makes it worthwhile: I know that my King is refining me. My heart is being transformed to be more like His.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Here are some of the things that God has confronted me with during this time. They are by no means new lessons or earth shattering ideas, but I am seeing them with more clarity now than before.

My plans are not God's plans.
When I say that I trust God, that often includes the unspoken condition "as long as things are going my way."
I must learn to be still and quiet; to rest in him. (Psalm 46:10)
I try to protect my heart, even though that is Jesus' job. (Philippians 4:7)
I don't have to have all the answers.
Man will often disappoint; God never will.
I've got religious pride.
I often find it difficult to accept love.
When it comes to God, I think too much and don't allow my heart to engage.
I need to be more earnest in prayer.

I don't know where or when I will emerge from this period of God's refining. On one hand I pray that it ends soon, and on the other I pray that it lasts for some time. For that is the very nature of this experience. Spiritually it is a very challenging period but also rewarding. Ultimately, God's plan is perfect, and I choose to fully place my trust in him, no matter how difficult that may be for me to do.

why we resist...part 1

2008-04-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

Why do people have such a hard time being authentic with one another? Why do we put on intricate masks that hide our true selves? Why do so many people feel like they are, at least in part, living a lie? Why do we resist living as the people that God created us to be? And, why do all these things ring true in my life?

I think the answers to all these questions can be found in one simple truth: we long to be loved.

We want to be accepted, valued, cared about. Unfortunately our desire for these sentiments is so strong that, in many cases, we're willing to accept cheap forgeries (feelings of acceptance from those that only know our facades). We forsake the opportunity to experience the real thing and end up missing out on it altogether. How can we expect to experience real love and acceptance when we don't allow others to truly know us? Without exposing ourselves, the feelings and emotions which we hope to receive aren't based on fact, and are temporary at best. The affirmation we receive is hollow, which creates a wretched existence in which our deepest longing goes unfulfilled.

The reason is that as much as we long to be loved, we often possess an even greater measure of fear. Fear of not being loved; fear of being rejected. Our logic, although seriously flawed, asserts that by not letting others get too close, then their opportunity to dislike, reject, or otherwise hurt us is negated. We protect ourselves. It is a classic defense mechanism. It also works, to a certain extent: it is indeed harder for others to hurt us deeply when they are kept at arm's length.

And yet, the cost of employing this defense is the very thing that our hearts seek...love.

my journey to The Shack

2008-03-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young and am having a difficult time finding words to describe either the book itself or the impact that it is making on me. If you know me at all, you probably know that I seldom lack the words for anything. This is different.

The book tells a wonderful story of a father's journey to find true peace and relationship with God after his young daughter is abducted. The emotion of his search is raw and heart-wrenching. But through the process he comes to a full understanding of what it means to love, wrestles with forgiveness, and ultimately finds the peace that only God can provide.

As I read the last half of the book today I found my eyes welling with tears at the truth that this story contains. My heart was touched, and the way that I approach my Lord has been altered in significant ways.

You really should read this book.

naked in public

2008-03-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Humankind was created to live in true relationship with God and with one another.

In Genesis 2, the Lord formed Adam from dust, filled him with the breath of life, placed him in the garden to cultivate and keep it, and noted the need for man to have a helper. And so, from Adam's very flesh, the Lord created Eve. Chapter 2 ends with verse 25: "And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Adam, Eve and God lived in a relationship characterized by true authenticity. So much so, that despite their nakedness, they felt no shame, no timidity, no nervousness, no fear, only love. Imagine a relationship where you could be that vulnerable, and yet not feel the slightest hint of vulnerability. That is what true relationship looks like.

A fairly common dream - although perhaps nightmare is a better description - is being naked in public (I admit I've had this one numerous times during my life). In most of these dreams the dreamer is the only one that recognizes their own lack of clothing. Now, I'm no psychologist. In fact, I've never taken a psychology course. But, my assumption is that these dreams all point to our collective fear of vulnerability.

Unfortunately, humankind has ceased to live in the true relationship that we were created for. Instead of being authentic, trusting one another, and loving others as we love ourselves, we often approach relationships with an eye on what we can gain from them. Seldom is this done as overtly as my words may suggest, but whenever we fail to view the needs of those we are in relationship with as significant as our own, we create an advantage in our favor. We use the guise of relationship to place ourselves in a position of power. The solution, although not easy, is to be vulnerable and to love others as we love ourselves.

I'm currently reading The Shack by William P. Young. It's a wonderfully written book about our need for true relationship with God. Earlier today I came across the following quote which I think we can all learn from in our quest to live in true relationship.

"Relationships are never about power, and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself - to serve."

ash wednesday on sunday

2008-02-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

And so, my Lenten journey begins. Albeit, four days late.

Tonight I went to my parents house for dinner. We were celebrating my Grandmother's 85th birthday. My mom cooked, we sat around and talked, and we sang. It was really nice to spend time with my family. After all, one of the reasons I decided to move back to Oregon was to be here for moments like these, especially with family.

Shortly after dinner, I hit a wall. I was exhausted. Coming off my 17 hour day during Homecoming yesterday, and with a stomach full of delicious food, tiredness set in. This could be expected, and it really wasn't a big deal. After a little more conversation, my mom drove my grandparents back to their place. After she left my dad and I started talking about computers (we are both looking to get new ones), the condition of our lawns, and other not so important things. But in the midst of this conversation, I found myself getting annoyed at my dad. I don't know why. Perhaps the fact that I was tired played into it. But in and of itself, I think that excuse is a cop out. When there was a short break in dialog I said, "I'm going to take off." I hurriedly got in my car and drove away.

That's when it hit me that I was annoyed over nothing. I turned off the CD to think. I began to pray out loud for answers, for patience, for peace.

Unfortunately, in the midst of my busyness, I have found myself losing patience and getting annoyed more and more lately. As I prayed I knew that the answer is the need to slow down, to be still, to be more honest about my limits, to be quicker to lay my burdens before God. I started in the car. I forced myself to drive just below the speed limit, which was really tough for me. I thought of Matthew 11:28 when Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." This verse hangs on my wall in my bedroom, and I love the promise that it conveys. But how often do I take Jesus up on his promise? It starts with me needing to come.

When I got home I pulled out the Lent reader that my friend Mark Benjamin, our Director of Discipleship and Worship Arts, put together for the campus. I think God had Mark put it together for me specifically. One the first page it talks about returning to the basics: repentance and faith. Sounds like what I need to do. It also includes a quote from Thomas Merton that says "the greatest enemy of spiritual authenticity is busyness." More confirmation. (Refer to the name of this blog.) Mark also exhorts our community to "make an effort together this Lent to slow down and attempt to cultivate an attention for God." As if I needed any more confirmation that God wanted me to read this tonight, I came across this quote in the first devotional, "There is so much in me that needs to die: false attachments, greed and anger, impatience (bingo) and stinginess.

I end this blog with three final pieces from this devotional: a verse, a question, and a prayer.

Joel 2:12-13
"Even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

Question
How can I rejoice fully in your Resurrection when I have avoided participating in your death?

Prayer
O Lord, make this Lenten season different from the other ones. Let me find you again.

i've got a picture of jesus

2007-12-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

"The baby that came, is the King that is coming."

Clint Baldwin, a professor at George Fox, shared those words during his brief talk at the Midyear Commencement Lunch a few weeks back. I heard them. I wrote them down. I have been thinking about them for about two weeks now.

It's a true statement. Jesus was born a mere baby, and later was revealed as the Savior. Someday (perhaps soon?) He will return as the victorious King. What stood out to me was how obvious, yet brilliant this statement was. Why do we (read I) always seem to compartmentalize Jesus? The baby is the shepherd; the shepherd is the carpenter; the carpenter is the miracle worker; the miracle worker is the zealot overturning the tables; the zealot overturning the tables is the guy on the cross; the guy on the cross is the the one who appeared to the disciples; the one who appeared to the disciples is the King who was in the beginning and will be in the end, forever.

Still, for some reason we seldom think of Jesus with all of this at once together. Maybe like Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights we all have a favorite version of Jesus.

a coffeehouse catharsis

2007-11-19T20:53:00.000-08:00

A while back I had plans to meet a couple of students at Chapters (a local coffee/book shop here in Newberg) for coffee. Somehow, I got the time wrong and ended up sitting at the table alone, a full hour before they were to show up. As someone who would sit in a coffeehouse for hours each day if I were able to, I decided to take advantage of my newly found extra time; I started browsing through books.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just something that would catch my eye, or my fancy. (Side note: Do I really have a fancy? And if so, where is it located?) I thumbed through Good to Great a management book that another student had recommended. I quickly realized that it was not what I was looking for at that particular moment. My slow meander continued from the front to the back of the store. Near the back, I came to the Christian book section where I decided to look for books by Henri Nouwen.

I didn't know much about Nouwen. In fact, until I arrived at George Fox, I don't know that I had ever heard of him. On campus though, he seemed to be everywhere: quoted in chapel, brought up in meetings, and name dropped in random conversations. All I knew about him was that some pretty smart people, people that I look up to and respect, seemed to think quite highly of him.

On a bottom shelf, I found two or three of his books. Not knowing if one was better than the others, I selected the one with the best looking cover (that could be an interesting blog topic), In the Name of Jesus. I also think the book's tagline had something to do my choice. "Reflections on Christian Leadership" was too strong of a hook for me to resist. As a Christian who has always considered myself a leader, and who is now becoming more certain of the need for these two characteristics to be permanently yoked together, I returned to my table with this little book in tow and began reading.

Due to my "type A" inclination I dutifully read the Acknowledgments, Prologue, and Introduction before getting into the book itself. I'll be honest, they didn't change my life. If Nouwen was some sort of spiritual genius, I didn't yet see why. Then I hit chapter one. Less than two pages in, I came across a sentence that hit me squarely between the eyes.

"I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self."

Shortly after reading this, the two guys that I was meeting with walked in. Still stunned by the rawness of Nouwen's words, I quickly copied them down so that I wouldn't forget them. I went home that night still thinking of this passage, almost haunted by its call. The next day I bought the book and finished it. I enjoyed reading the rest of it, but could not get past this one sentence. In fact, this quote is one of the primary reasons I decided to create this blog.

I have a desire to be more vulnerable with those around me; to share my heart. It's just not something that comes naturally to me. I pray that over time it will.

confessions of a people pleaser

2007-11-05T18:39:00.001-08:00

Hello. My name is Robby, and I'm a people pleaser.

This is the simple realization that I've come to in recent months; or perhaps it is only in the past few months that I have been willing to admit it to myself.

I don't fully know the implications of this realization, nor do I know the extent of this tendency in my life. What I do know is that this tendency (or is it a desire) is fairly far reaching. I know that I am no longer willing to accept it as a given in my life. I also know that I should spend far more time, far more energy, and far more attention on trying to please my Lord and Savior, then on the people around me.

As I am writing this, I have been looking for a verse to include that speaks to this issue: partially to give me a proper Biblical perspective on the issue, and partially to seem wise to any who read this (will anyone read this?). Of course, that second reason illustrates perfectly the need for the title of my Blog, "an attempt at authenticity," and the title of this post. As I looked for a verse, I felt certain there was something in the Bible that addressed my situation, although I wasn't even sure. Without a idea of where to look specifically, I went to the concordance.

Amazingly enough, when I turned to one of the verses it was already underlined. Apparently, the verse stood out to me at some point in the past, probably because I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember.

Galatians 1:10
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Perhaps this verse is why I have felt so confronted by this truth of my life. By attempting to please those around me, I have failed to be a servant of Christ. I do things for my glory, not for His. My paradigm is backwards, skewed, incongruent with who it is that I want to be, who I was made to be.

Even in minimal things like this blog, my perspective has been all wrong. I created this blog nearly two months ago, and yet until tonight have not posted anything. I was too worried about what to write. I wanted to have an amazingly epic blog, with deep insights that others would be compelled to complement me on. What I failed to notice was that this desire was in direct conflict with my very motivation for creating the blog (and thus it's title).

I am a people pleaser. But I'm no longer willing to accept that fact as a truth of my life.

May God help me to seek his pleasure alone!