An Englishman in LA

An Eye for an Eye Halloween

2015-11-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

So this year I was finally in Los Angeles for Halloween.

From what I have seen over the years Americans go crazy for Halloween and I don't mean they all go around sacrificing goats to our Lord Satan whilst smearing themselves in blood and have a ritualistic orgy. Well if they do then why haven't I been invited to these parties?

No they go trick or treating, dress up in costumes and decorate their front yards to resemble the home of The Munsters.

On Halloween night my friends and I were sitting out int the front yard with an obscene amount of candy to give out. It got to a point where I told 'treaters' to take a handful instead of just one piece at a time just to get rid of them.

I was probably responsible for the whole neighborhood developing diabetes over night.

Here is what greeted kids on venturing to our house.

One thing that did occur to me during the trick or treat session was that it looked very strange on occasion when the ladies had gone back in and myself and Dave were just two men trying to entice children to come close to our house with candy.

As you can see I went all out with my Halloween outfit. My idea was I was a Mod who had taken a short cut through an archery range.

A simple use of two sawn down arrows, a Primark pair of fake glasses a Paul Smith mod target tshirt (which is now ruined by the hole in the target), a prosthetic eye piece, make up, stick gum glue and three pieces of cardboard strapped tightly around my chest with a belt (couldn't breathe).

So off I went to a Halloween party at the Grandstar Jazz Club in Chinatown for a Morrissey/Smiths themed night. Pretty much everyone there was in costume. To a point where it suddenly became very normal to say 'Oh look cyclops is here' and then later 'Jean Grey is here as well' like the X-Men were having a night off. Mulder and Scully turned up (whether they were investigating a case there or not). Mad Max was attached, literally to Furiosa by a blood transfusion line. Pee Wee Herman showed up, a fat Robert SmithMacho Man Randy Savage was on the dancefloor with a mini Hulk Hogan and was busting out some moves that incorporated showing off his guns, doing a flying elbow and the international symbol for 'I want that belt around my waist'. Anyway Macho Man won the costume contest.

Later on I realised that my costume was a hindrance on myself be able to enjoy the night fully.

1) I couldn't see out of the eye with the arrow in. Therefore I had to turn my head a lot to look at things. Stairs were also a problem.

2) I couldn't go on the dancefloor at all incase someone backed into me and the arrows I had going into my chest and into my eye could potentially end up IN my chest and IN my eye. The type of headline you'd read in The Sun:

After actually having someone mimicing themselves using their hand and throwing their palm towards my eye arrow I decided to take them out.

What was amusing was seeing Mario and Luigi sat at the bar together getting drunk. Mulder and Scully from the X-files having a dance and not dancing well (as you kind of would imagine they wouldn't dance well in real life). Then seeing Jon Snow on his own looking very glum on the side of the dancefloor. Maybe because he was not allowed to speak to any women due to being in the Nights Watch.

Going Underground in LA

2015-11-04T22:46:00.001-08:00

After my obligatory night in on arriving - this is what I arrived to in my hosts fridge

It's like they knew I was coming

However this was not for my benefit, they were leftovers from a party the week before.

I have my first day ahead of me in LA which is spent 1) Walking along a highroad for about 2 miles to get a US sim card for my phone and 2) Walking another 2 miles to get some stick gum glue for a future Halloween costume (more on that in my next blog).
The first contact I have with a stranger is when some old guy in the phone store can't believe I'm wearing black skinny jeans in this weather (it was prob around 30 degrees). I explain that 'I'm English' and that seems to do the trick (or he can't understand my accent).

After getting my sim card I venture to 'Party City' which is a chain of megastores for all your essential party gear: balloons, costumes, painkillers. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a real city where people just partied 24/7 resulting in anarchy and a breakdown of society.

I then went to Ihop whose fries I adore. They also recommend this...

Which makes me wonder...Does it make bacon better with bacon?

Friday night is Club Underground night a mix of Britpop, Indie, New Wave, Post-punk and Synth. I've been going to Club Underground since I first came to LA in 2008.

Me at Club Underground 2009 (at bar green t shirt - alone)

t's a spin off from the legendary Cafe Bleu which ran from 1996-2000. If you were in London between those years the equivalent would have been indie night Popscene that used to run at the LA2. Here's a nice little article by the LA Times A scene of their own from 1997 on the club including an interview with founder and acquaintance Piper Ferguson who is now an established music photographer and video director. You can catch her amazing work here. I actually worked with Piper on her first short film director debut which you can watch here (I'm in the nightclub scene - I look like an idiot dancing). I also just been informed from original Cafe Bleu DJ Dia that contrary to the article above 'Courtney Love did not DJ at Cafe Bleu' but 'she was making out with a girl from Kenickie while I was spinning and it was totally annoying'. I think that pretty much gives an indication of the status of Cafe Bleu.

Club Underground has been well established and thee indie night to go to in LA. As a Brit I'm constantly surprised at the record dropped at this club (who would thin Pure by the Lightening Seeds would be know in the US). But DJ's Larry and Diane always put on a great night. Plus if you get there early you can get absolutely wasted on the cranberry and vodkas happy hour (no real measurements here).

As Halloween was coming up there were a few people in fancy dress including these two Britpoppers.

Coffee and TV Blur Milk Cartons

Next up Halloween!

Phoenix in flight

2015-11-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Hello campers!

Well Blur are back Britpop is back TFI Friday is back so I thought I'd cash in with resurrecting my Los Angeles blog (even though I hadn't actually been to Los Angeles in the 90s).

Sorry if you've been waiting these two years for a new blog. I like to think of it as writing a new album. There have been new members (in my flat), money problems, break-ups and an incident at Ronnie Wood's art studio in this time. But look I've changed the font!

So let's start at the start and erm start with my flight which this year is brought to you by Air New Zealand. I've changed my allegiance from Virgin Atlantic 1) because Air New Zealand are cheaper and 2) I don't have to sit through Richard Branson's face during the inflight entertainment telling me about his charity work. I'd rather watch that footage of him sliding down a building and ripping his trousers again.

The morning of my flight I had to sort out my boiler, which took the guy 10 minutes to fix and I got charged for an hour. Anyway that's nothing to do with LA. I managed to pack again in 20mins which sounds impressive but I've been so many times now I know exactly how to pack for LA. I've gradually lost an item on each trip. So this year I decided not to pack another coat, not to pack my Rod Stewart t shirt, Labyrinth (the Bowie film not the rapper) tshirt, No extra belts and no sexual protection (as it's never going to happen anyway).

This time as well I remembered that you don't actually have to carry your onboard hand luggage with everything in it TO the airport you can, for instance carry your heavy laptop in the front of your suitcase and then take it out and pop it in your carry on bag just before you check in your luggage. This makes carry your hand luggage bag a lot easier going up and down stairs at interchanges on the tube to the airport. Just a little advice for you there that I picked up after 14 TRIPS back and forth to LA over the last 7 years before realising this!

I get to Heathrow and check in with the interactive kiosk making sure I don't hit the 'do you have any weapons' button by mistake and then go through security.
Here I set the alarms off. I ask 'is it me' (not that I was in a translucent state where I question everything in the real world). It is me. They take me aside and take out a wierd looking brush like one you would use to clean the dishes. The security guard then brushes it over my hands then pulls out a little stool and asks me to put one foot up on it. I ask him if he's going to give me a shoe shine, he doesn't answer and brushes each foot. This is so they can look for traces of explosives although I'd have to be a pretty clumsy chemist to get it on my hands and shoes.

Heathrow Terminal 2 (not the plane i'm getting on).

One thing different about Air New Zealand to Virgin Atlantic is that there are a row of 3 seats instead of 2 by the windows. I had a window seat. This resulted in my usual dilemma of trying to hold my urine capacity so not to annoy the person next to me when asking if I can get out being doubled. I think I broke my record and only asked once for them to 'get out the way' with about 1 hour 30 mins left on the flight. This also happened by the side of me:

yeah go ahead use my arm rest as a foot rest.

Films I watched on this flight were:
Ant-Man 7/10
Kingsmen: The Secret Service 7.5/10
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation 7/10 (as Tom Cruise had minimal lines)

Burn Baby Burn

2013-04-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

As an inhibited Englishman I very rarely display my body. You can read all about my shorts dilema from my Coachella blog from the other year. I don't even wear sunglasses here. 1) As I am not used to wearing them and have no idea what shape looks 'cool' on me and 2) I think I look like a dick in them. I remember someone once came up to me in a club and asked me to be in his band. I wasn't going to be in someone's band who wore sunglasses in a club. It was a safety hazard think what it would have been like on stage with him. He'd be knocking wires out resulting in electrocuting and audience member and a I don't want to go through all that again.

Here in LA though it's hot. And sometimes an Englishman abroad has to say to himself 'When in Rome' even if he isn't in Rome. So in the privacy of my own apartment I drew up the blind opened the window and felt the sun on my half naked body. I thought this might happend once my skin had been exposed to sunlight for the first time in a year.

So there I was lying in the sun getting comfortable on my bed and I just put my hands across my chest and linking fingers and before I knew it I'd gone off into the land of nod.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up an hour and half later to find the sun had moved (would you believe it!) and left me with a nice imprint burn across my body and the other half isn't even burnt!

I am now attempting to fill it in by covering up 2/4 of my torso by various methods in order to fill this gap. As i'm going to look like a complete idiot when I plan to go to the Standard swimming pool next week!

Dancing in the Street

2013-04-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles is full of people trying to promote themselves as the next Jonny Depp, Angelina Jolie or Brian Blessed. If you are advertising your busniess though what better way than doing live Karaoke in the middle of the street!

This was for the new store opened on Sunset and Hillhurst 'The Vintage Vortex' which currently has for sale a great Hugh Hefner Playboy pinball machine.

Talking of Actors and Actresses was having a drink with some friends and in walks Kirsten Dunst. I would not have known who this diminutive lady was if it wasn't for the immediate whispers and hand covering mouth gestures. What should be my move here? Should I go over pretend that I don't know who she is and say 'hello can I buy you a drink'? Should I accidentally bump into her and introduce myself that way. OR shall I go over and say one of these three lines.

1) Hello I look extremely good in a Spiderman outift (I did when I was 5 in my Spiderman PJ's)
2) Fancy being caught in my web
3) Just sing the old theme tune to Spiderman to her (spider man, spider man does whatever a spider can).

Of course I did none of the above and just watched her escape my advances. My spidey sense told me it wasn't a good idea after all.

Last week I was suffering from Saturday Night Fever so I saw this guy

The Return of Street Hawk and other LA Weirdness

2013-04-04T11:40:00.001-07:00

Every country has it's crazy people. In my hometown of Worthing I remember there used to be a man who stood on a street corner dressed in a stripped blazer, boater hat and just waved at traffic going 'cooeeeee' and lifting his left leg up behind him and a camp limping of the wrist. He had a couple of names such as 'The Duke' & 'Burlington Bertie'.


Burlington Bertie

There was also the 'Bag Lady' who I think just had bags wrapped around her hands and feet (we used think she had alien hands and feet underneath).

I've seen my fair share of this sort in Los Angeles. On Friday night I traveled along Sunset on the bus and sat next to an old woman who kept telling me about her arm (and showing it to me) and her eye. She then told me she had a gun. I immediately thought 'Brilliant I'm going to be shot by a one eyed woman who can't aim straight - this is how I would have wanted to go'. The best 'character' i've ever seen here was when I was waiting for the underground train (Yes LA does have a subway system). He had long hair wore a black top and skirt. Fair enough nothing too strange about that a man in a skirt you may say. It was more the fact that on his front he had clinging to him round his neck and waist an effigy of HIMSELF looking back at him. a full effigy with it's arms around his neck and it's legs around his waist.
I've also been walking along Hollywood Boulevard with my Itouch on (see Itouch myself post). I got it out to switch from Geneva to Tame Impala when a man walking towards me starts shouting at me along the lines of 'You stinking little dirty CUNT', he repeat this over and over again by carefully using the words in a slightly different order so I don't get bored by his abuse. How he knew I was listening to Geneva I don't know.

This week i sat outside Morning Nights coffee place having a tea when we noticed a small guy walking across the street in a motorcycle helmet and one glovecarrying a $1 store bag. There was no motorbike to be seen and his walk was a little odd. He proceeded to do one lap of the grass triangle (in 23 degree heat) before plopping himself down on a rock. He then drank from his $1 store bag through his helmet.

I like to think this was the guy who played Street Hawk

On my way home I noticed this bohemoth of a dog.

The At-At dog

It seems the new trend is now to go the opposite way to having a small dog to go in your hangbag.

The WEIRDEST thing i've seen in Los Angeles is this!

An auction sign for a plot of land with two posters of the band Styx on it

PS whilst tracking down Burlington Bertie I came across this local character The Shipley dancer.. Enjoy.

The Next Day / Hip to be Square

2013-04-01T12:31:00.001-07:00

So for my first day out in Los Angeles I decide to take a walk along Sunset Boulevard and into Silverlake area. This is the 'hipster' type area along with Echo Park. I hate using that term hipster and how on earth has it travelled across the ocean and into the Enlgish language? What were hipsters before they were called this? I'm sure it's the same with Chavs that they were called something else in before being called chavs (was it hoodies?). Anyway being a hipster seems to consist of having a beard and a cheque shirt and tattoos. So I have some stubble and cheque shirt and I did some drawings on my arm of a the film Legend with Tom Cruise just to fit in before I left. I've also been called 'Bro' twice since I've been here and one fist pump. I shuddered after each incident.

I found two lovely mid century furniture shops The Living Room and Danish Modern.
The Living Room had a lovely picture of Mark Spitz which you can just see in my pic. And a very large picture of the Beatles.

Danish Modern had such a vast amount of lovely stuff I nearly just wanted to move into the shop and call it my home.

After this I started my walk back to Los Feliz when I noticed two guys holding aloft a large square canvas with some pattern on it. The guy infront of them was filming as they were walking down Sunset. In my head I immediately thought 'oh it's that David Bowie The Next Day square symbol'. This design had been put infront of objects by fans etc and posted up on the internet. So there was me thinking 'oh I'm going to be in some David Bowie video that will be immortalised forever like Courtney Cox in Bruce Springsteens Dancing in the Dark. As they got closer to my path of glory, I looked up at the square canvas and then realised it wasn't the Bowie design but it was the Prop 8 symbol for getting gay marriage through Congress. I think my appearance will now help push it through.

A white square

Prop 8 square

Back in the U.S.S.A

2013-03-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

Well I keep being urged to write again while I'm over so I'll start at the beginning. With my flight over.

The past 3 times over to LA my plane has not been full allowing me to pick a seat with no one next to me and thus with my height I can fully extend across the seats and then laugh at business class who have paid 3 times as much to do exactly the same thing.
This journey I went online and saw many seats filled but the three in the middle at the back free so I picked the end of the three imagining I'd be able to stretch out again and sleep for the journey. However on getting to check-in I was told that the plane was full now so I'm now stuck at the back on an isle seat so I'll be one of the last off and last in the queue for customs.

On getting to check-in with Virgin I try and hide by on board bag as it's a British Airways vintage flight back. However I have to put if on the scales to be weighed. The check-in woman says she shouldn't really allow me on with 'that' bag. So I tell her that she should upgrade me as I'm defecting from flying with BA and that's how much I like Virgin. This doesn't work.


BA Bag

So on the seat next to me is a nice looking lady. It then dawns on me to watch something 'intelligent' from the selection of films on my screen. I chose 'Cloud Atlas'. Which, I have to say wasn't as mental as I hoped it would be. But I did enjoy Jim Broadbent in it and Tom Hanks playing and Irish gangster was pretty bizarre. After this I decided to watch the sequel to the best film ever*

I will find you...again and I will kill you....erm...again. Goodbye

Taken 2 with Liam Neeson as you can tell now I'm trying to show the lady next to me that I am a bit manly by watching some violence. I always wanted to see this film at the cinema thinking it can't be bad as it will just be as good as the first Taken? But it really was Taken the piss (ha!).
The first hour of acting was so bad - it was like Liam Neeson was doing his comedy bit from 'Life's Too Short'. And the best character from the first film (the new husband of Neesons divorced wife) is immediately written out as the first meeting of his wife is still upset over something he did and left (can't remember what).
This leaves the door open for a reconciliation. Anyway it was almost like a comedy in the first part as Liam plays a sort of sitcom character in being 'the worlds most possessive dad'. He's even fed the line 'Don't go checking up on her new boyfriend'. Cut to him banging on his front door.

Later on Liam and his wife get 'Taken' and I don't know whether she had something written in her contract that she would only be able to say 10 lines in the film but she is pretty much out cold for about half the film being left in the dungeon then carried around then dumped on a floor again. There were about 3 times when he went back to her body where you just thought she was dead.

His daughter also from not being able to pass her test manages to circumnavigate Istanbul in a presumable right hand drive and not crash. She also runs around Istanbul throwing grenades every 15 minutes and not alert the police or army or anti terrorist unit. She has to throw them where 'nobody is around' but I expected her to throw it see a dead body and then just shout 'Sorry'.

Anyway you'll be glad to know she passes her test at the end of the film. So the moral of the film as far as I can gather is to go to Istanbul have your mum and dad kidnapped. Throw some grenades about and then put yourself under pressure to drive around Istanbul being chased by the police and gangsters in order to definitely pass your test.

One time I traveled to LA I decided to watch the film 'Next' with Nicolas Cage'. This film featured a plane crash and it's aftermath. I was pretty shocked when I saw it (not the film which is bad but the scene). When I arrived home I wrote to the airline company complaining that I was shaken up by this scene and thought it was inappropriate to show this film on a plane. I wasn't actually bothered I was just trying to get some free airmiles as compenstation. Anyway here's the clip and can anyone tell me why Nic Cage just shouts 'Hey' at the first passenger who runs past him who is also burning alive?

Vons or Jons

2012-11-28T13:09:00.001-08:00

Whilst in Los Angeles I have to eat. So I go food shopping at my local supermarket. However in Los Feliz I got very confused between two supermarkets here. Vons and Jons below you can see why. Not only do they sound the same - they also seem to share the same sign designer.

Vons

Jons

In Britain is would be like Tesco having a store called Fresco or Iceland having a competitor called Viceland.

Anyway I believe Jons is the superior of the two so I decided to shop one week in Vons (very good) and the following week in Jons. Imagine my suprise when I found they were almost the same as Vons except of course for changing the one letter in their name. They had done this with all their products in store I guess to make sure no one could accuse them of copying Vons?

The Flight

2012-11-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

Well I have embarked on another trip to the city of Angles (right angled streets).
As I try to turn my woes into woos on ths shorter visit than usual I arrive at Virgin with my bag in tow. My bag which has British Airways written all across it. My check in person tells me that I'm not allowed that bag in this area and bang goes my chance of an upgrade.
First I head for a quick snack before bording which is always a sausage sandwich and tea. As I believe that they don't exist in America. One time before a flight at this period I picked up a Christmas Card by the letter box as I left and took it with me. I opened it whilst having a tea at the airport. The stages of buying a card and sending it to me went something like this. 1) It's Christmas let's send Jeremy a card 2) Let's got to the shop and pick a card - oh that one looks nice - lots of glitter - very Christmasy 3) Write in card, put it in post 4) Delivery of a day or three 5) Process in which all the glitter has fallen off the card and stored itself in sticky section of envelope and dried up there 6) Delivery of card to recipient (me) 7) oh that's nice someone has sent me a card 8) Open envelope 9)Watch as an explosion of glitter greets you and covers you completely, all over your jacket and lap 10) Sit open mouthed as your think that you now have to walk through security looking like a fairy.


sausages!

As I arrive at security I await my turn to step through the mental detector (thank god i took my pills). I proceed to take off my coat not noticing the old woman behind me has bent over to take off her shoes my elbow has reached the prime position to hit her on the head as she stands back up. I worry next that as I take off my belt i'll whip it off and slash her face before my trousers fall down and she falls into my crutch. As I take off my boots and of course drop 2 inches in height I then realize I have my I love chips socks on.

I get the odd look but thank god I didn't wear my I love bombs socks!

After getting through and laughed at for socks, shortness and trousers falling down I then get asked if they can swipe my bag. I have no idea what they are swiping it for drugs? dynamite? copies of Pippa Middletons book? I wanted to ask but thought better of it.

I head straight for the gate and arrive at boarding still trying to hide the name on my bag.
I get my seat and then wait anxiously to see if I've booked it right in that there was no-one booked into the seat next to me. Whilst I wait for some movement I start to plan my viewing for the flight.
The guy two seats away is reading out loud every film title in the magazine and asking his mate what they are about so I listen to what 21 Jump street is about and think if that guys watching it then I don't want to.

I first decide to watch this film

After watching that film I decide I will never watch a film ever again unless it involves General Zod. So I play this for 10 hours straight.

The guy who was reading out the films has now taken to reading pornography on the plane.

You can actually see his lips doing a 'phwoar look at the knockers on that broad' action.

After still now being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in even with the assistance of two chairs I back down on my rule of never watching a film again and decide I will watch the worst films I can out of them all. I watch Wrath of the Titans, The Amazing Spiderman (which wasn't that bad) and Battleship (the one with Rhianna in and is actually based on the boardgame - although no one in the film shouts out 'YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP' at any point).
When we finally arrive at LAX there is an announcement. A passenger is 'sick' and the paramedics are coming on board to take a look at him. The passenger is about 3 rows behind me so I can hear what is going on. Apparently the passenger will not open his eyes. I first imagine that Arnie has been on board and his daughter has been kidnapped. And the guy in question is the bad guy escort that he has killed by neck breakage before telling the hostess that his friend is Dead Tired before putting a hat on his face. The passenger has actually taken too many pills. That or he watched Jon Carter On Mars as I did and refuses to open his eyes again.

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Independence day poo party

2011-07-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

Hello readers.
Last month was the 4th July this is the day that celebrates the Declaration of Independence from the best country in the world The Great Britain. The day is a national holiday and there are BBQ's, parties and general drinkage.
On this day I was invited to my first Pool Party. Imagine that a house with a pool! The images were already forming. I'd arrive to pumping house music walk through two massive gates to the back patio decking area where upon a multitude of girls clad in bikinis were shaking their bottoms whilst people shouted 'PART-EE' a lot before some girls took their bikini tops off as everything got a bit wild. This has come from a lot of American 80s films I saw whilst growing up. Esp Porkies, Bachelor Party and probably Teenwolf or something.
I could not wait as being a Brit I was bound to be taken advantage of as already I wasn't going to take my swimming costume so therefore I'd probably look all awkward and nerdy (this wasn't my ploy it's more to do with body consciousness).

The whole night could not have been further away from this.
After arriving at the party and seeing the pool it reminded me of something that i'd see on Cowboy Builders I expected to see two swinging doors to get onto the diving board. There were a couple of people there. A couple in the pool and one or two dotted around the outside. But we were early I'm sure loads of people would turn up later shouting 'PART-EE' later carrying cakes of beer and just jumping in the pool fully clothed or in their PJs collecting a brick from the bottom of the pool.
So I just played musical chairs for a while and ate from the BBQ and the giant Cheese ball bottle.

My friend Cesar finally took the plunge in the pool and easily pulled off the this is MY pool Tony Montana look. If you fucked with him he would take a chainsaw to your inflatable.

By this time I'd decided to change into shorts (not worn since the Coachella Top Gun look i accidentally pulled off). Later however I went back to jeans the same colour as the shorts though so I could fool people into thinking that I hadn't actually changed three times that day like the idiot I am.
Later on we went outside to witness some fireworks being let off in the street. This is something that would never happen in the UK after numerous adverts I watched as a child....

After witnessing this poor firework display I was pretty much hoping that the person holding the firework would accidentally aim it at a car which would then explode. Fireworks were placed in the road as well during which time cars were actually passing by. Oh but then one turned out to be a cop car! Everyone rushed inside. Oh but before that the party got really good as someone started 'planking' Urgh. Here's one planking shot the planker.

I aslo saw his try and 'plank' and post box and himself across three cool boxes on which someone else planked on top of him that was a lot a planking more than you'd see in B&Q.

After this I went to find Cesar inside and tell him that because of the noise and the fireworks the party was being shut down at 10.30 by the cops.
Inisde the house I witnessed some live music by two drunk hipsters thinking they were coming up with the next piece that could match Mozart on an organ. This is just a snipet as they were doing this for hours.
Hipster Odesey...

After finding Cesar a girl approached me and asked about my accent. Brilliant!
I then (and I'm not kidding here) sat there for 20minutes whilst seated and she stood. Listen to her talk NON-STOP about how she was brilliant and telling peoples accents and that I had apparently picked up a slight American accents which she could tell (having not known what my accent was before I got to the US). She also preceeded to list all the countries she's lived in. And the fact that she was really intelligent and was going to be a professor one day. I asked her what she did now. 'I'm on incapacity benefits but I work under th counter'. She then apologized for 'offending us' (which I think she did to Cesar after saying that he'd done well to speak English or something that well). I asked why we would be offended. 'Because I'm a woman with a brain and I'm intelligent and people find that intimidating'. I asked if she knew who Carol Vorderman was' finally she left and I turned to the 4 other people dotted about in the room who i was giving looks to throughout the piece and shouted 'Why did no-one butt in that conversation and help us out' she was insane. I then quoted her 'Oh I'm sorry if I offended you' etc.
I'd seen this girl earlier at the party wearing her swimsuit but also a thong UNDERNEATH her swimsuit. I also watched as the drunkest man on his own at the party tried to throw a rubber ring into the air for her to dive off the board and through. They tried this about ten times and still didn't pull it off.

I then decided we would leave this Part-eh?

Cycle of Fear

2011-06-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Whilst staying at my friends place for the week I decided to go for a bike ride along Los Angeles river.
I was using my friend Rena's bike which is pretty much a girl's bike with a big basket at the front.

This was bike with special brakes as in it didn't seem to have any. When i started off on the street (on the wrong side of the road I'll point out) I tried to grab the handlebars where the brakes should have been and there were none! Instead you have to pedal backwards in order for the brakes to work! I did not like this.
Anyway I road along the road and found the entrance to the lane. Switched on my itouch and pedaled.
I passed many serious cyclist on the lane (actually they passed me) and i didn't mind if they laughed at me on my girly bike. I was on a nice afternoon out. After nearly running over a squirrel 3miles later i reached on end of the lane. I then turned around and headed back.
This was after a near death experience when I went down the steep verge back through the gate which lead straigh to the edge of the river and forgot how to use my new brakes.
I also saw that someone had set up a home in the middle of the river

Part of the way back I needed a little toilet stop so on my way back I saw some cubicles so vered off the lane and rode into the car park and up to the cubicles.
However I noticed some men 'hanging around' the cubicles. Strange I thought. Two were oldish and there was another round the other side on his own. By now it was too late anyway I neeeded to go. So there I was little Jeremy pulling up on his dainty girly bike to what now looked like a cottaging centre. I can imagine they saw me as pulling up and ringing my bell singing 'la la la - oh I need to use one of these cubilces - hello boys - ooh there's no lock on this one - anyone could come in' (there was no lockon the one I used).
After peeing at the rate of 40 knots I got back on my bike and gave them all a wave and blew them a kiss (not really). However I was tempted to look up 'cottaging areas in LA' on google.

The Beast

2011-06-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

The other week I stayed at my friends place for a week whilst they went on holiday. They had a lovely apartment however I had to look after their cat.

I have no experience of looking after a cat. And what was worse was I was not allowed to let the cat out of the apartment. Every day whenever I couldn't see the cat in the apartment I thought 'i've lost the cat' and then had to go around the apartment till I found it.
The cat also took a liking for my socks going for them with it's claws. My socks are always colourful or patterned so I had to start wearing my Who Converse. This had the same effect with colours and laces so I had to revert back to leather boots.
I think the fact that the cat was black as well added to my fear of it. Have you seen Sabrina the Teenage witch? That cat can talk!

I left my shampoo in San Francisco

2011-06-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry avid readers for my gap in blogs. I've been busy trying to remember my password for the past month. Today after 1492234 attempts I typed it in correctly. Only after I realized i had my laptop on Caps Lock. I thought there were only so many ways I could type the words Bruce Forsythe.
Anyway I recently went on a trip to San Francisco. We set off early as this was going to be a 6-7 hour drive. I immediately played on my Itouch 'Flickgolf' like a 10 year old would sat ni the back of his parents car (my parents here were Matt and Tita). Although I was good and didn't start asking 'are we there yet' until the 4th hour. I then got told to shut up and 'do you want me to pull over and give you a smack'. Judging by Tita's face she would have left a mark and i would then have enough proof to go to the authorites. So I shut up.

After arriving at Tita's friend place where we were staying we all went out for dinner at an Italian restaurant that looked like it would feature on 'Ramseys' Kitchen Knightmares'. The exterior looked like it was from the 60's and the interior looked like it was from the 40's.
Here's a nice painting they had up

I did expect to hear Gordon out the back shouting at someone until they cried and had a mental breakdown before storming past me and then being called back by the staff. If only we came after he did one of his makeovers. Anyway I played it safe and had an omlette.

After we saw some bands that evening we decided to go get some breakfast foods for the champions league final the next day

When we met a very nice man - who would have thought it in San francisco?

After this footage he met two girls from earlier in the night and a scream/howl/siren went off like a thousand casts being castrated. Damm it I never get the best bits on film.

The next day we went along haight ashbury for some shopping. After leaving Tita and Matt to meet them in about 20mins the Heavens opened and I stood under a shop canopy for about an hour as I'd looked at everything in the shop and couldn't see another shop to hang about in. So I just stood on the street.

Above is a strange creature I saw who sucked out allthe rubbish from the bin with his large snout.

I was asked later if I took any photos of the area? I asked why I would. It was then pointed out to me that is was a famous street in the 60s/70s - I had no idea though. To me it was a street of shops and mental people.

After more bands in the evening. We retired to our second persons apartment.
Sunday we went down to the beach area to where some old bath remains were and some caves.

Here's me contemplating whether who is better Submariner or Aquaman.

We later went to the piers and found a great arcade museum. I spent the afternoon playing the original Star Wars arcarde game along with the atari grand prix game (both of which i didn't do well in) I think that these games are a lot harder than anything on the x.box.

After this we went to go down Lombard Street which is the windy road as featured in many a film including Bullet. We spent about an hour in a line of cars on a street at an angle of about 90 degrees. I never liked doing hills starts and how Matt managed to start off with out 1) screeching his wheels or 2) rolling back and hitting the car behind. I don't know.
After this we finally started our travel back. This time it felt like i'd been on a flight. I also wanted on occaision when passing a large truck wanted us to pull underneath the truck like in Smokey and the Bandit.
We didn't do this.
Here are some other pics from San fran


Navy Seal Team Six celebrating


Would you believe - Cocktails!

LA Galaxy Vs New York Red Bulls Soccerball match

2011-05-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to watch the game of scooerball bewtween the Los Angeles Galaxy and the New York Red Bulls. East vs West, Beckham vs Henry, Biggie vs Tupac and errm Randy Newman vs Alicia Keyes

Randy Newman - I love LA
New York Alicia Keys

Anyway both top of their leagues and wanting to prove whose the boss (like Tony Danza). This was a widely hyped game with LA Galaxy wanted to avenge an ealier lose. I wore a white t-shirt and wrote the word Donovan on the back (I can now aslo wear this to the Donovan concert I am going to).
So after collecting my ticket from Will Call (nice bloke). I buy my $13 Corona and take my bench seat. First up is the National Anthem.

So what do I do? I'm English. I haven't read the formalities for someone elses anthem. Like what do you do if you meet the Queen and you are a Republican? Do you still bow or curtsey? Do you do it just curtsey out of courtesy?
So I stand with my beer in my hand...Is this rude as well? I don't place my hand over my heart as I've seen on tv. I put my hand in my pocket - but this means it's near my genitalia. Again does this mean that I'm dissing the flag by placing my hand nearer my penis than my heart and am I kind of pissing on the flag? Should I take a sip from my beer or is this equal to being drunk whilst the anthem is played? I don't even know the words - and if I sing along is that treason against my Queen? After a BIG finale by the singer it's over and I shout God Save America by accident.

The players come out and the announcer erm announces their names

David Beckham gets a big cheer - the announcer sounds more like he should be introducing boxers onto the field though.
So after kick off. New York are all over the LA Galaxy half. And within minutes Thierre Henry shows his class and after a lucky rebound takes the ball round the keeper and then nutmegs a defender to score a goal. This immediately deflates the crowd and mass booing ensues.

Thierry Henry goal
Really New Yorks game plan was working to a tee for teh first 20 minutes and LA Galaxy were leaving all sorts of gaps whilst only seeming to use the left side for going forward due to seemingly not having a left winger. After a while LA came back into the game with Beckham occaisionally switching the play with a trademark cross field pass. Then LA broke into a few shots (including and disallowed offsied goal) which they should really have scored from. Finally after 40 minutes a cross from Beckham resulted in Landon Calrissian heading in the Woodward>Equalizer.

Donovan goal
Then moments later Donovan takes the ball around the keeper at the edge of the box and has the whole of the goal to score in. But then calmly tries to side foot it slowly into the empty goal. This gives the defender plenty of time to run back and clear it off the line. Bad Donovan!
After half time Galaxy seem to have cahnged their formation (without commentary i can't tell how). And play a lot better in the second half. However the finishing leaves a lot to be desired. A Beckham free kick towards the end of the match only achievs a save for the cameras from the NY Bulls keeper.

And the final whistle blows. The crowd also think it blows that LA couldn't muster a win. Henry won over Beckham today with some lovely subtle touches and I swear he did his look one way/pass the other trick.

Here's highlights of the whole game for football people
Highlights

Itouch myself

2011-05-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

Before I got to LA I used to sit next to Jon (my ex-flatmate) and look longing at his Iphone. And thought to myself ‘I.Phone’ (in a neaderthal voice). They are too expensive though. Then After receiving a Christmas bonus at work last year I hear about the Itouch. Which is like the Iphone but without the phone (so just an I?).
So I needed a new Ipod anyway and wanted the ‘apps’ and Wifi connection to hang around in cafes with. I bought it and immediately downloaded Streetfighter 4 & Mortal Kombat as my first ‘apps’. These I played on the plane over to LA.
Later on while walking around LA listening to Flowered Up or The Mock Turtles I stop off at the odd Café and go ‘wireless’ (I’m currently undercover for the FBI so I just take a break from recording gang related conversations). As a very part time writer I sometimes have to write stuff down in my notebook. Now though I don’t need a notebook as there is a notebook on my Itouch so I do need a notebook but not a real notebook – take note. A little keypad or touch pad appears and luckily I have delicate tiny man hands that can touch the right keys. After a while of tapping my wpm start to increase and before I know it I start to think that I must look like some man genius the amount of typing I’m doing. Like in that film D.A.R.Y.L or Short Circuit when Jonny five reads really quickly or that the Government has placed a computer chip in my brain. Either way I think I now look pretty clever and intelligent. I also have a couple of ideas for apps now so if anyone knows how to do them please contact me.
The downside is that I also downloaded FlickFootball. This involves you kicking a ball with by flicking your finger across the screen and getting the ball into the goal.
I play this all the time. Waiting for a bus, at a bar, in the restroom. I even played it whilst watching a real live football game. I’m now worried that I’m going to strain my finger like when David James ( I ♥ David James) injured himself from playing too many games on his Playstation. Or that my finger is going to be twice the size of all my other fingers (like my right arm is slightly bigger than my left). If that happens I’m going to have to use all my other fingers to get them up to matching sizes. I also make faces when I play. I stick my toungue in the side of my mouth and chew it - i've done this all my life when concentrating. Like when I used to draw laods i stuck my toungue at the side of my mouth and chewed - perhaps I should do this when trying to write. Perhaps I have some bodily chemical that's released when I chew from my toungue that heightens my performance - although perhaps I should restrain form using it whilst having sexy times with a lady incase it looks like i've taken drugs in order to get through the love making.
When playing I also make facial expressions when I miss a goal or just generally cock up my free kicks. Again anyone watching me would think i'm having some sort of flashbacks or something. Regardless I probably look like a mentalist. And also - is it cool to play on your Iphone/Touch? Do you look modern and technically logically sound. Or do I look like a man who can't grow up and plays video games with no real conception of getting on in life. the decision is yours. Got to stop typing now my right index finger is hurting from typing.

Coachella Ella Ella

2011-05-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well after weeks and weeks and days that make up weeks. I finally had my last weekend in Los Angeles and rounded it off with the Coachella Festival. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, Strokes, Interpol, Suede, Tame Impala, Duran Duran, Chemical Brothers, Elbow, Presets, Black Keys, Marina & The Diamonds, Delta Sun? Best Coast and Kayne West. I’ve been dying to get my own back on Kayne west for a year now since he jumped on stage during Taylor Swifts acceptance speech. My plan was to jump on stage grab the mike off him and say yeah but we all know that Taylor Swift should be headlining Coachella. Then at Glastonbury this yea I’m going to jump onstage during Beyonce’s gig and grab the mike off her and say that ‘Yeah but we all know that Kayne West should be headlining Glastonbury’. And thus start a cycle of events between the three that will culmulate in a three way at next years Wrestlemania.

Anyway the day was to start at 6am when I arrived at the subway station for my friend to get to the Greyhound coach station for 6.30am. Like Charlie and his Cat I waited but no-one turned up. I phoned got through to voicemail and then thought right do I leave this person whose ticket I have and dosen’t know where the coach station is to make their own way? After 15 mins I can see them running up the street. I’ve checked the time of the next train – she has three minutes to get up the road across two crossings, down the escalators and into the train. We make it although before we’ve even reached the sweltering temperatures of Coachella I’m already sweating after our Olympic event of dashing.

We reach the Greyhound station at 6.33am. What a weird place that was at that time. There were two other pairs of people going to Coachella. I deduced this from age, luggage and fashion. A man wearing a baseball jacket trying to make the odd bit of conversation without success to anyone. And a man in his mid-late 20’s wearing a vest top and shorts with a carrier back. Strange for that time in the morning I though. Turns out I was right he was strange as in stranger danger call Walker Texas Ranger. He was sat on the row of seats to our left and was shaking and comforting himself by rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He then started saying ‘You can do this, you can do this’. My friend went to get some water from a nearby shop and in that time he started weeping. The other American guy asked ‘what are you crying about’. He pronounced that he was fine. I could then hear him regurgitate the word ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’. My friend came back just intime to witness him singing. Then out of the blue he turns to our direction with eyes WIDE OPEN as he could and immediately saying in a camp American accent ‘So. Where are you two going’. Almost in a state where if he doesn’t find out the answer a bomb will go off in his stomach. My friend answers Coachella. Luckily a veteran of Coachella now sat next to us butts in the conversation and says he was Big Audio Dynamite last night so without hesitation I talk to him. Always talk to the lesser of potential murderous drifters.
Our coach arrives the ‘Pespi, pepsi, pepsi’ guy leaves to get on it. Now our silence can be broken and my friend and I discuss what just happened. Thank God he is getting on that coach. Oh hang on that’s our coach too! On entering the coach we notice it is full. We start to walk down I spot a seat right at the back. Guess whose sat on the back row with an old woman spluttering out her guts through not being able to smoke for more than 10 minutes. Yes Mr ‘So…Where are you going today’. Abort Abort Abort! Retreat! Use the fire exit! There’s no way back people are behind you now trying to find seats. You have to take it. HA! No I don’t Sir would you kindly move your bag – saved with one row to go. After which the delirious guy gets out of his back seat and walks to the front of the coach and waits for the driver. I guess ‘He couldn’t do it’. I think that Greyhound are much the same as National Express coaches in Britain from what Jon once told about a trip he had up to Manchester on one. I still think that man had accidentally killed someone the night before and was doing a runner.
After changing coaches we get on the ‘proper’ Coachella coach everyone is younger than me, trendier and showing more skin than me (I’m in jeans). Oh look someone has bought their guitar onboard – Great! Can’t wait to hear their rendition of Death From Above 1979. We get some lad or jock shout out ‘COACHELLA BABY WOOOH!’. There was no reaction. Apart from me saying ‘Shut up and sit down’. I’m really in the Coachella spirit. Again I have a seat next to me. About 80% of the coach is young ladies. So the odds on me getting a lanky 6ft spotty guy who bites his nails for the entire journey are about 100-1. If only I could put such a bet on on Sky Bet as I would have been 100 pounds up 5 minutes later. I could not believe he hadn’t bitten down his fingers to a stub by the time we got off the coach. And what did he do with the bits that he did chew off? Did he swallow or spit? Either one makes me gag.
Finally after taking the local sunshite bus we get to the Shadown Mountain Resort. Which on reflection sounds like a holiday camp for evil geniuses. After getting through the Iron gate I spy someone on a golf buggy. I want a go on one of those.
We get to our apartment. Looks fine and leads out to the swimming pool which if this was a resort for evil geniuses would retract across revealing a night night secret lair. The following morning at the resort we go for breakfast by the pool and have two old men playing covers of songs.

They do a version of 'I shot the Sheriff' in which one of them spurts the line after the chorus 'I shot him stone cold dead'. Which made the other one laugh. Although In my head I wished he'd said after the chorus 'I shot that motherfucker in the head, blew his brains everywhere, he ain't getting back up'.

I never checked late at night if a massive laser gun rose up from this pool. But there were a lot of white fluffy cats wearing diamond encrusted collars roaming around the pool area??? Que Thunderbirds music...

I finally unvail my legs by putting on my shorts with my pair of ‘The Who’ conversse trainers/sneakers. Put on my sunglasses (again not since I was 16 have I worn a pair). I felt like Tom Crusie in Topman as my shirt and shorts where from the store. Apply my factor 50 (yes 50 – it actually went up to 100 in the shop). I think anything over 100 works in reverse and makes you whiter. And off I go to Coachella!
After a short walk from the shuttle bus to the entrance I realize that I’ve put my special band on my left hand on not right as instructed in the manual. So I think up excuses incase they point this out to me at the entrance (it was very strict in the manual to go on the right and pointed out if any wristband had to be changed it would cost you $25). So I thought, ‘oh I was in a rush, my friend just gave me the wristband and not the instructions, I’m left handed so it’s easier for me to put it on my left hand (I hadn’t worked out if this would be the case). And finally ‘What fucking difference does it make anyway, look if I put my hand over this here it’s not on my right side more than where my right arm is’. Or finally ‘I thought it meant YOUR right as you look at me not MY right’.
I waltzed in, not literally they only let one person in at a time and it takes two to waltz.
I take pictures of the Ferris Wheel, some balloons, a dome and some stages before watching The Drums, Tame Impala, Black Keys, Kings of Leon and The Chemical Brothers. Before getting the shuttle bus home which plays what sounds like music from a Carry On’ film on the way home. First day done, I put the TV to see on the news the police are looking out for a man wearing a vest and shorts with a carrier bag who is wanted for murder after supplying an overdose to his gay lover. Joking.

The second day I again put on my sunglasses and shots. I'm not feeling a lot more comfortable wearing them. Although looking back on my photos I'm now think I possibly looked totally gay. I believe instead of conveying the Cool Britania look or guitarist of one of the bands taking a stroll around after playing I looked much more like I should have been in the music video for a Wham! video.

As mentioned in previous blogs again I had some trouble seeing sometimes. I've come up with a solution though and from now on I will be taking this to all festivals and gigs.

However one glimmer of hope was one guy standing on something made him really tall and blocking everyones view behind him. After a lot of berating he still did not get down off what ever he was standing on. The crowd then started to throw bottles at him. He backed down - well done everyone I immediately felt a sense of commaradary with my fellow festivalers. Also when other people tried to barge their way through to the front for certain songs and just pushed people over I witnesses on girl PUSH BACK to a point where the guy and his mates were totally flumuxed on how to get by her and her mate. One of them pushed him so hard back I swear he was close to reacting by hitting her. Good on her though I would have just tutted to the person next to me if they'd done it past me.

I also witnessed two people lying in the middle of the fetival grinding on top of each other then the guy just getting out her tits and rubbing them in his face.

Suede were excellent playing all their hits and Brett Anderson going at such a pace and intensity I thought he was going to tear his shirt off and turn green or 'suede' (HA!) before punching anyone in the face. He didn't even stop to say anything about being 'back on these shores for the first time in years etc'. Just went from song to song. It was like hardcor porn. No foreplay just bang bang bang and BANG i'm done see ya! I thought my friend behind me was going to cum though judging by her reaction to seeing them play.

suede brett anderson

I also invented a new game a Coachella which you can play at all festivals. It trying to work out which toilet cubicle has been used the least in the layout of the toilet area. I thought it would be one at the entrance of the area as people would naturally just take a couple of steps into the area first before assessing where to go. Or perhaps it's the first one you see you should go to as people would be put off that one thinking most people would go to that one. Still had to hold my breathe going into each one.

Here's my obligatory 'peace sign' I never know what to do in photos. Although peace broke out immediatley after I made the sign. As you can see I lost both fingers after a freak sunbeam shot down and severed both peace fingers. So I stuck the other two on the other hand back at the sun and say 'F you sun'.

My View from Above

2011-05-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

As you know I am not the tallest person. I've maybe or maybe not explained the problems at gigs. Where I think they should have a 'if you are taller than this height you may not enter this area' area. Like you have a theme parks to get onto rides. For short people to see at gigs.
Anyway here was my view on American Airlines of the only screen to watch the movie on.

He was so tall he extended his headrest upward (something I didn't know you could do).
And here's my view from my 'window' seat I chose for my flight back to LA yesterday...

Again a great view of the wing. At least I could see if there were any problems with it and warn the pilot.

Being pampered

2011-05-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone in LA attempts to look good. And a lot pull it off. After my Coachella ‘call the fashion police, no wait better make it FBI’ faux pas I’m thinking I need appear on one of those make-over shows. Probably one where they tear me down mentally and physically before making me stand in a pit full of mirrors where bitchy women who’ve paid money to get in look from above drinking champagne hurling abuse at me before the police raid the place and find me cowering saying ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’ (see Coachella post).
Anyway I went to see a friend who worked in a spa for a late lunch and instead got invited in for a manicure. My immediate reaction was ‘Isn’t that a bit gay’? She replied that lots of men have it done. So I sat with my hands out and was told to relax them (how can one get tense about having his nails done?). So they were placed in warm water, dabbed with some vanilla stuff and then cut and filed. This made my hair on my arms extend up. As I have a thing for people who use nail files. It’s like scratching your nails down a chalkboard (Argh even now it’s making me shudder).
She then plucked the bits of skin form the bottom of my nail – where the bottom curve is?
She then made one of my fingers bleed, ‘oh that’s the first time I’ve done that’. Nice to know I was being treated with the same precision as a paying customer I told her. It would then not stop bleeding. I told her I was going to make a complaint and sue her shop for at least $10. I have to say though I did have nice shiny, smelly nails afterwards. Next week I’m getting my toe nails done.

Before my flight back to London I popped to New York and did LOADS of walking. To a point where later on in days I developed a funny walk as my leg limbs started to cease up. So at airport I saw a foot massage at $25 for 10 mins. That will cure it I though. So in I went. Foot massage please. They took my coat. I took off my shoes and Wolverine socks and waited in excitement as I’d often read that the feet contain nerves that can relax the rest of your body. I was looking forward to my massause finding spots on my feet that would result in my arm flinging out to the side as a unexpected result of that spot on the ball of my foot.

I lay back in the cahir and they turned on the chair. Which then proceeded to massage my back and neck. An added bonus a back and neck massage. The chair was very rigourous I wanted to get the full effect so pushed my back as far into the chair as I could. However as the motions moved up and down my back it gradually kept pushing me out of the chair from my lower back extending my stomach out to my neck making me look down. I spent the whole 10 minutes trying to work out if I looked wierds and weighed so little that the chair couldn’t help but push me out. Or whether because I’m little that my body wasn’t matched up to wear it was meant to be massaging me. After trying to work all this out I heard the words ‘Ok we’re done now’. I couldn’t relax at all during the foot massage. And got embarrassed when she tried to put my socks back on for me. One because I thought that was a bit much I can do that. Two because they had pictures of Wolverine on them.

The Joshua Tree

2011-04-29T04:47:00.000-07:00

No not the album but the place. I've been told about Joshua tree loads and finally my chance came to go. However on the Saturday I was invited I'd been up all night being ill and was just resting on the sofa with my eyes rolling back when I got the call. 'Joshua Tree leave in one hour'. NO! I thought I'm ill but it's my only chance to go since my friend will be doing the 3 hour drive there. I grabbed some asprin and a pillow and jumped in the back of her car when she arrived. Not through the window David Starkey & Hutch style.
So we begin our journey with myself stating that I will not be speaking due to a sore throat. After stoppping off at a bar in the desert with real life country music band and bikers we arrive at Joshua tree.
From here we do some exploring. It reminds me of many an episode of Star Trek. I expect a Klingon or Ferenghi or Spock with a goatie attack at any moment. However no such attack arises and I carry on getting caught in rose thorns with my long coat. From here my inner child kicks me up the butt and kicks in. I start to do some mini rambling. jumping down little trenches and across small gaps. Then I see a couple of large rocks and think 'Id look cool standing on the top of that for a picture' I walk around seeing if I there is a simple way up. THere isn't BUT there are two indents in the side of one rock. So I put my right foot on the first indent push myself up so my left foot reaches the second indent and then push myself up on to the top of the rock and then climb onto the highest rock. I've made it - My Everest! My Killimanjaroh, My Ben Nevis, I'm at my peak. I get my picture done after shouting out triumphantly 'look at me i climbed up to here I'm on top of the world looking down on ceation and the only explanation I can find is erm I can't get down!'
After looking back and my route down I realize three things. One the slope down is very steep and I can't see where the two indents are now. If i go down with my back facing the rock I will just slide down and fall off a great height. My shoes I'm wearing are not Timberland or Millets but were Ravel with no grips on them at all.

By now my two friends were looking up at me asking how I was going to get down without ensuring a 127 minutes scenario where I just generally fall down and wait 127 minutes beofre the ambulance arrives after my friends have to call for one. I would of course cut off my arm so I can sell the story - hang on that's been done. I'll cut off my ear. Oh that's been done too. My penis? Nope it's been done. OK cut off my fingernails.
Still trying to work out how to get down I throw down my long coat as I think it will rip in any manner I attempt to get down. I then ask my two friends to tell me where to put my foot to find the higher foothole. It was kind of like a crystal maze game with no crystal to gain at the end and no maze. Although I could have been in the Aztec Zone by my surroundings. After turning my back and placing my life in their hands I finally make it down. I then wonder why there are no signs around waring males not to show off and climb up rocks without a plan for getting down. Nor Helmets given out. I also wonder how many bodies are out there in the desert of men falling off rocks just to ge one picture of themselves being manly and rock climbing in Ravel shoes.

Trojan Wedding Shower Commercial

2011-03-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

OK so I've just watched this commercial on tv.
There are a couple of things that bother me about this ad.
One what is a 'Triphoria'? Does this mean it has three speeds? functions?
What the hell does 'Blow your hair back mean'? I know the phrase 'Blow your socks off' but I guess if the women each put their feet up on the table to show they no longer have socks then it wouldn't have the same impact (as well as forming the question how do the socks come off without the shoes as well).
OK so next she asks 'Who got me this' to which three women all show they have had their hair 'blown back'.
Now this means two things. One they have opened the box and used it on themselves, put it back in the box and then given it to her. And Two-they have only all just used it as you wouldn't turn up to a Bridal shower with your hair looking like that. So I guess they all sneaked into the ladies room as soon as they got to the bridal shower.
Ah ok 5 speeds 3 pulse settings well at least that is cleared up.

Now you have two 'real' women speak of how they find the Triphoria. 'It's like three massagers in one' and 'I love it, I absolutely love it'. Whereas they should be saying 'I use it straight after i've made love to my husband when he's done and fallen asleep AGAIN'. Or 'I fuck myself all the time with this thing it makes me cum so hard i black out for three days solid'.
So the bride takes it home andher husband is so over the moon that she has THREE he slams the kitchen table and shouts 'SWEET'. Now this means he can't pleasure her himself, she wants all three in her at the same time. Or he wants to use the third one on himself. Although I would have liked it if he pulled out his own 'massager' and said 'So I can use this on me so we don't have to touch each other anymore you repulsive cow'.

Battle LA

2011-03-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

Well I just went to the movies to see new sci-fi action flick Battle:LA.
Basically aliens invade all the important cities in the world by the sea. So I'm still waiting to see Battle:Worthing (where I come from).

As soon as the opening scenes rolled it became very familiar with the marine troop consisting of an inexperienced teen who seems to have never drunk before and is a virgin. A guy who is about to get married and who has a best friend also in the core who likes flowers and is probably under the don't ask, don't tell, don't get an erection policy. Another guy who is happily married. A guy who has post traumatic stress syndrome from Afghanistan and one whose a bit of a redneck. If I ever join the marines I wonder which one i'd be by then? However the main guy is just about to retire and has a past where some of his troop died in a previous mission etc he joins the troop under the married guy who has just been made a leuitenant. OH and one member of the troops brother died under the guy who was just about to retire. So from the opening five minutes I was able to decide who was going to die, who was going to go nuts, who was going to be the hero and they would all turn up at the guys wedding at the end (although there was no wedding scene at the end).

The other point was I can't believe that Aliens posses the technology to fly across the Universe whereas we the best we have is the Virgin Galactic vehicle and yet still arrive totally ill prepared for bullets. Even we manage bullet proof vests. Oh and they find out how to kill them by capturing one and just stabbing away at him till one stabbing kills him/her and then send out the message 'shoot to the right of where the heart should be'. In this case i'd ask 'am i facing them - or is it their right of the heart'?????? They do look pretty cool coming out of the sea though in the same way the sea devils do in Jon Pertwees Dr Who series.

Also how on earth (no pun intended) do these aliens have such bad targeting equipment. Surely with advance technology than can must up something that improves their shots better than me playing Duck Hunt on my Nintendo. At times though the film did remind me of something you'd see on an X-Box. Although there isn't that much of the alien invaders featured which was disappointing.
The main focus was on the troops. With the prediction that newly assigned rookie Lieutenant loses it in battle then sacrifices himself to leave marine with a past to take over. He gives a big speech when questioned about the troops he got killed in which he quotes all their numbers to the brother of one of the victims. In my mind I thought it would be funny if the only number he couldn't remember was that of the guys brother. They pick up some civilians on the way - one of whom is a pretty lady who asks him if he has any children - he doesn't and neither does she. Of course that's the first question you ask someone during an alien attack. I got asked this once on a plane by the passenger next to me (we weren't in the middle of an alien invasion when he asked). I answered yes so I could be spared feeling inadequate. As he would respond with tellingl me how wonderful his kids where-as I have no concept of what he was talking about. It's like asking 'do you smoke' and then telling me how wonderful it is.
Anyway so obviously he's found a wife now for when he survives. There are also some kids they rescue who also survive over most of the troops. He also becomes a father figure to one of them after his dad dies. So he's now managed to pick up a wife and a child. I bet that wasn't on his e-harmony profile.
And yet again earthlings overcome by just finding the main command centre and using words like 'Let's show these bastards', 'Outstanding' and 'We're taking back LA' to blow it up. It's always that easy. If it were set in the UK we'd use words like 'Let's show these ruffians' 'Good Show' and 'Fuck Worthing it's shit anyway'. I bet the next lot who invade will have gine through the check list. 'Ok guys, we're imune from all germs on Earth, we have Norton Security in our systems to stop any viruses, and we're not going to use radio controlled drones as once they cut off the signal they will fall from the sky. Ok what kind of ammo do they use again, ah that's the least of our worries'.

There wasn't even an Independence Day moment where they blew up the Hollywood sign or Lindsey Lohan in it! It's mostly a war movie with a constant number of shoot-outs in the wreckage of LA against inferior Terminator machines.

Please if any aliens are reading this please come properly equipped if you are going to invade or don't bother at all as there's a lot of cleaning up to do afterwards when you fail.

Hang the DJ

2011-03-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

So I get a call from my good friend Dia on Tuesday midday asking if I'd like to DJ at the Satelitte for they have a Smiths tribute band on called 'The Smiths Indeed'. This is the perfect evening for me to DJ as I am a 'tribute' DJ in that I'm not as good as the real thing.
I have my itunes on my laptop and therefore need to burn some tracks onto some blank CD's. I but the cheapest pack of five CD's I can find. All loose in a pack for $2.99. I get home and start selecting my playlist. I try to put in a bit of everything (you never know exactly the crowd that will turn up - oh hang on I do - it's Smiths fans). I put some Manchester crica 1985-1991 in there as well as some British Pop or Britpop if you will.
I am also not allowed to play any Smiths/Morrissey that evening by order of the band.
I put in 129 tracks. Put in the first of my blank CD's (the blue one) and realize that it will hold 20 tracks. Hmmmm 129 divided by 5 equals time to go back to the shop and buy some more blank CD's.
I arrive home again with some more coloured CD's this time with cases with them. Now I more blank CDs but doubled up on the same colours.
After burning all my CD's I place them in a case each and write down all the tracks on a piece of notepaper which I slip into the inner case. I mark at the top of the notepaper (black CD, Green CD, Red CD, Pink CD, Orange CD etc oh and Black 2 CD).
I place them in my bag and venture to the bus stop.
After arriving I walk behind the sound system where I think I am DJing. I'm then shown that the CD decks are on the main bar floor area. As I walk behind them I realize that I'm too short to actually see the counter display moniters on the decks (this is essential if I am to start Ride at the exact right moment later). So Sylvia fetches me a crate to stand on. I was blind now I can see. Although it did feel like being a 3 year old just putting CDs into the slots just to see them disappear for a while.
So I play some easy listening type tracks to usher the people in. I then move onto some more contemporary stuff - it's all fine. My colour system and labeling is all fine. I play for an hour and a half before the first band play.
I then decide to put all my CD's back behind the sound system because obviously someone will want to steal them after hearing all the great tunes i'd just played.
Then about half an hour later the band end without saying thankyou to the audience or you can buy our CD from the lady at the back thus not giving me any warning that I'm meant to play a record when they walk off stage.
I run behind the sound system - grab my CDs' in one hand and then drop them. they all open and CD's go rolling around. I scoop them up and just put in the first CD I now open.
The Rolling Stones Gimmie Shelter plays. I get a good nod from a man in the audience. Now the next problem is there is no vocals on the record. I ask the sound guy if he's left a knob down? He says everything is fine. I switch to deck two. The Clash. Same again. I am now getting looks from the audience. I fiddle with a wire at the back and the vocals come back. However i am getting small electric shocks whilst holding them and have to keep them held in while the sound guy finds another wire.

I pick up another CD and cue it - I press play and it's not the right CD. It's Pink in the Orange Case (as my label says Orange at the top). Argh with one hand holding the wires in place I flip open the other CD's. New problem it's dark, Pink, red, orange all look the same in the dark. I put in another CD, Stevie Wonder! Not what I want to play. I find what I do want to play - track nine - James. Guess what comes out - The Smiths !!! Something that i've been banned from playing (Black 2 cd is in Black 1 case). The crowd cheer - and within 5 seconds I've pushed it on 2 tracks. Ha that was just a teaser of what you might hear later!
Finally the wire is changed and I have two hands (the way God inteded) to re-arrange my CD's).
I finish the night on a high with Suede and Pulp and numerous requests for more Suede and Pulp.
So please come to my new night Suede and Pulp night (i have the best of suede in one deck and the best of Pulp in the other i will alternate between the two all night).

My Tarrantino night

2011-03-14T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well I well and truely arrived in Hollywood last night. From a simple last minute decision to visit the New Beverley Cinema (Tarrantinos cinema) and watch two films starring Rod Taylor (no I hadn't heard of him either) turned my night into a quite surreal one.
Firstly the two films I saw were 'The Dark of the Sun' about a gang of Mercenaries who were paid to recover some diamonds from a town in the Congo before it got looted by the local savage tribe.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062863/
and 'Hell River' which is also known as 'Partizan' & 'Tactical Guerilla' which was about the struggle of Yugoslavs against the evil Nazi Adam West and a great German actor called Peter Carsten who seems to have been flavour of the month in playing Nazis as he was also in the first film playing a child killing, chain-saw weiding, raft building Nazi. Quite an all rounder. Anyway I'm never quite sure how Adam West got any acting work at all it was like watching Hugh Grant pay Pinochio. His best moment though was firing a maching gun whilst on skis in a white jumpsuit with a maniacal laugh greeting his enemy before being easily shot for the fact of skiing with both hands whilst his gun was still around his neck towards his enemy.

So I went off to a bar afterwards in which there was a man dressed as a manatee at the bar. I found out he was a manatee when I asked whether he was a walrus or a seal. It's probably the equivalent of someone asking me if I'm Australian or a New Zealander in the US.
Just as last orders are called my friend Tinita shows up and her friend works at the bar two doors down. She tells me he has sent her a text that Quentin Tarrantino is at his bar. I tell her to 'drink up - we're going'. Which fair play to her she didn't complain that she had a whole bottle to finish.
Now when I came over to LA I bought the cheapest phone I could to work over here. It has everything on it at about a tenth of the strength. My camera on this phone. 0.3 MP which takes a picture worse than I could probably sit there and draw it. I ask Tinita what camera she has with her. Hers it worse than mine in that she doesn't have one. Argh! However I'm then told not to have my photo done with him as it's kind of the thing you DON'T do in Hollywood.
So we go to the bar and we see Tarrantino is sat right at a bar as we walk in. We walk straight past. I then spend the last half hour of the evening spying on him through little windows in the wall seperating the bar and the booth area. Much like Rod Taylor did in the film I watched earlier shooting at Nazis.
We are finally asked to leave the bar at closing, I speak to a party of three others who were at the other bar earlier (one of whom I find out is a porn star). She tries her luck in going straight to Tarrantinos booth and asking for a cigarette. No Reservoir Dogs type scenario unfolds where he pulls out a gun and she pulls out a gun only for his gun to be a lighter.
So we wait outside on the 'sidewalk'. Then he finally comes out walks straight towards me. 'Hey you've got just the right indie boy, floppy hair, short ass gimp I'm looking for for my next film' he spurts out at me. Actually he didn't he walk past and off into the Sunset Boulevard. But wait! He stops at the Valet. It's now or never!
By now he's getting the odd 'Hey Quentin' remark off stranglers. I walk over 'Hey Quentin' i say (good start I thought). 'I've just been to see your Rod Taylor double bill at the Beverely cinema'. 'Oh hey what did you think?' He says whilst trying to look for the valet with his car'. 'Yeah they were excellent'. 'Oh cool' he replies (i still think he didn't even look at me). Before he trundles off and attempts to get into a car that isn't his.
One of my party comes over and shakes my hand claiming 'well done you spoke to him' five seconds later I reply. 'Did I just shake Tarrantnios hand...or was it yours'? I had no idea. If I can speak to Tarrentino then now for the next stage.... speaking to girls.
Oh and the other thing was I didn't think both films were excellent. The first one was good and the second was very long and boring. So I did actually lie to him (apologies Tarrantino _ I would have given you a whole critic but you had to find your car). I think the last time I lied to a celebrity was at the Christmas lights being turned on in Luton when Blue Peter presenter Katy Hill came to turn them on. She asked if we watched Blue Peter when we had our photo done with her. 'Yeah' I replied 'It's my favourite programme' I HATE BLUE PETER!
Join me next time as Adam West would say (well the voiceover man) Same Bat Time same Bat channel

Drinking in LA at 26

2011-03-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

Firstly I'm not 26.
But I have been drinking in LA. A lot.
Everyone seems to do it here. Tall people, Short people, Older people, younger people, Girls, boys, girly boys.
I decided to go for a one drink ONE drink at about 10.30 in the evening so I walked down the road to Ye Rustic Inn. However I came up with a cunning plan before I went in. I took out my phone and held it in my hand. Entered the bar. Took one look up and down the bar and then pretended to phone my pretend friend who I was pretending was meant to be at the bar but I was pretending they hadn't showed up so I had to go back outside to pretend to phone them so I could leave the bar. It seemed to be large man night at the bar. The exact opposite of what I hoped would greet me (not that I was hoping for skinny man night at the bar - rather me entering the bar and the wind blowing behind me and the array of stools spinning around revealing an array of ladies not seen since Blofeld gathered his 10 women assasins in 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service'.
So on I went to the Good Luck Bar for my ONE drink. I had one. left and just though well I'll pop to El Chavos ONE block away as they have a happy hour on all night.
So I took my position at the bar on a stool pretty much in the middle of the arrangement. People were chatting away. I slowly drank my corona corona. Then before I know it. People have up and left their stools leaving me totally isolated and alone and helpless. Now I was exposed for what I was 'the lone drinker'. with no tonto to keep me company.
So I perhaps await an opportunity for Lindsey Lohan to join me before showing me her painted fingernails spelling out 'You sad man' to me.
About half hour later some guy sits one stool away from me and comments on my beer. So I chat to him for a bit he tells me he has just moved her to make 3 documentaries. One on a town, one on his dad's busniess and the third one her can't remeber...so erm two then?
Just as i've started speaking to him a nice young lady sits next to me. But now I'm trapped. I'm locked in conversation and there is no conclusion in sight to our conversation. He then hears a track he likes and proceeds to wave his hands in the air and wave them like he just does not fucking care. Now everyone is looking at him and subsequently me. The people drinking at the ends of the bar who've spotted me earlier now either think. Who is that guy he's with or 'Ha! that's what you get for sitting in exposed areas of the bar'

I tell him I'm working on three sit-coms. One about a failed music journalist, one about an up coming pretentious musician and erm I can't remember the last one - so errrrm two then!
I decide to have ONE more drink as he starts speaking to the woman next to him. And I might have cut free of this conversation net. But it's not stopped I get asked to name the price of her bag with him. After a while I get introduced to her husband. And then it's closing time. However that's not the end. After to speaking to the woman and her husband they seem like very nice people and one works in music and has worked with some great artsists and his wife is a journalist who is just about to go to San Fransico the next day for a new job. So they say they are having more dirnks at theirs and would I like to join them. I agree. They also invite wave your hands in the air kid as they think he is with me. I try to deter them without offending the guy. It dosen't work. I live around the corner form the bar. They tell me they live near as well. So we are all in the car and driving further and further away from the potential 3 minute walk I could have had home.
I then think perhaps I should just say no like the grange hill kids to any polite offer from anyone ever.
After arriving at their flat and drinking ANOTHER drink the younger guy who they thought was with me starts to talk bout how he got beaten up at school for cross dressing and things get more awkward when I point out that they might have beaten him up for his choice of clothes clashing or something. He didn't laugh and just looked at me. Anyway after talking about British comedy, American Policitcs, The English Class sytem and The Verve I finally leave and have to walk all the way home. I get in at 5am after leaving earlier at 10.30 for my ONE drink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ9KfKx8PmM