An Extraordinary Life and Getting Better All the Time!

Glory lies in the attempt to reach one's goal and not in reaching it. - Mahatma Gandhi

2013-01-19T13:01:00.004-07:00

The year I turned 39, I decided to make a list of 39 things to do before I turned 40. This is the blog post where I outlined my goals for that year. And while that was a good thing for that point of time in my life (I accomplished 25 of the 39 goals that year.) Focusing on that many goals became a bit overwhelming. So now as I have just had another birthday, I have been thinking a lot about what this year may look like and how many personal goals I should set for myself this year.

So after a lot of thought and am making my 2013 list. Except this time I am going to have a list of broad goals and then a list of smaller more doable goals broken down by month in an effort not to get lost in the good intention of my bigger goals. So here is the list for 2013. . .

Read the Book of Mormon
Lose 20 pounds
Participate in community service
Plan a family vacation
Define Happy
Pay off "dumb debt"
Participate in something active every month
Read a book every month
Improve my half marathon time by 5 minutes
See a slot canyon

So starting January 17, 2013 here are my goals for the month:

Read the Book of Mormon every day - prayers morning and night
Lose 4 pounds - I am starting at 172.6 pounds (that's my beginning goal picture)
Research community service opportunities, community donations
Watch the "Happy" movie
Budget - set up automatic payment plans for my car
Plan meals weekly for grocery shopping (budget and diet)
Go snowshoeing (active)
Go to the gym 4 times per week and exercise for at least 30 minutes (diet)
Read Reached by Condie
No TV at bedtime
Meditate daily (not sure what this means but felt I should try it)

And there is the list for the year and January. So far I have started slowly and I have spent the last few days being a nurse to the flu ridden family in our home. But I am moving forward to see what this year of 2013 will bring.
Bon Chance pour moi!

Is it a new year already?

2013-01-09T21:23:00.005-07:00

My last post to this blog was in March of 2012 and now here it is 2013. I often feel like the older I get the more quickly time moves. To me it feels like I just get through the holiday season and Christmas arrives again. Since it has been so long since I have written. . .it may just be appropriate to note some of the highs and lows of 2012. Here I go.

High - January trip to California!
Dean had a conference and I got to visit friends!

Low - my daughter chose to run away twice
because we asked her to follow the home rules -
Like to clean her room...that was tough.

High - We finished the 2012 Salt Lake Half Marathon
with our personal best times. That was my 17th half and
Dean's 13th half marathon!

Low - lost a dear friend.

High - My son turned 16! He was ordained a priest. (In December
he passed his board of review and became an Eagle Scout!)

High - we participated in and completed our first Ragnar Relay!
198 Miles on the Wasatch Back in 32 hours with a team of 12.

High - trip to Sun Valley. This is picture from our hike to the
Pioneer Cabin - 7+ miles and 9500 feet. This is a view from the outhouse.

Low - In March Dean was diagnosed with a
congenital heart defect. He had surgery in June.
He was drained, frozen and revived in 6 hours.

High -This is Dean 2 weeks after his surgery as we were walking a mile every night. The doctors were amazed by his recovery.
We felt so blessed that his condition was caught by accident and that
technology made him as good as new!

High - Dean's first race after his surgery!
High - it was with the family!

High - Women of Steel Relay
The Ladyz that Rock and Run

High - Rootcano!
Annual end of summer party and celebration
of Grandma's birthday!

High - Halloween Family Night
Pumpkin Heads

High for Sally. . .Low for me.
The first snowfall of the season.
Over 2' fell that day.

High - tickets to the VIP theatre to see the Hobbit.
Dean doesn't see a movie any other way again.

High - Merry Christmas Eve 2012

I need to always remember:

"A miracle is something that seems impossible

but happens anyway."

My new favorite quote compliments of the movie Men In Black III

Here I go again...

2012-03-08T21:18:00.004-07:00

So I have been thinking - that is always a tricky thing for me. I often get so lost in my thoughts and then I wind up not knowing where I began.

It has been a while since I blogged anything. Life has been upside down in our home and when our home is in disarray writing the events of the day is usually the last thing I want to do - who wants to relive the hard moments (not me - I want to learn from them but not relive them.) But now as I have reflected back on the last year, I have had big learning moments and realizations. Spending the year trying to get pregnant was exciting at first and then in the hard - still now it brings tears to my eyes wondering about all of the whys. Why did we feel prompted to try? Why and how could this be helpful for our home and family? Why couldn't my body figure out how to conceive a child? Okay enough of my crying. Time to move forward - it is still the first of the year and it has been great so far.

January - I got to go home - well the beach - that's home right? I was born and raised in a land locked state and moved to live by the ocean for 8 years. That is where I met my lifetime friends and outside of my immediate family - home is where my friends reside. So I guess I have homes all over the place. That is a good thing! Oh I ramble...moving on. (oh the beach and my friends - the best combination of rest and relaxation - with my husband in the mix - well I couldn't ask for more!)

Focus Joelle - this year fitness and well being are the focus of my journey. It is time to get in shape. So I have been working on changing my diet and my friend has talked me into joining her "Biggest Loser Party." Sixteen weeks of eating healthy and exercise. The goal from this date is to lose 20 pounds - 20 POUNDS. So this all starts on Monday - deep sigh. In 2011 I lost 15 pounds and now just a few more to go - that is what I keep telling myself.

So I have decided to blog this journey in my life and what losing 20 pounds for me looks and feels like. Monday, I am going post my "before" picture and my weight. I am not afraid of that - it is just weight and we all have it right? I will update my journey as I go. If for some reason someone feels inspired to leave a comment of inspiration - anytime over the next 16 weeks might be helpful.

Stay tuned. Here I go again :)

This is what I know (or don't)...with "5 minutes on the clock please"

2011-11-28T21:05:00.001-07:00

You know I have almost dreaded this blog for some reason. Here I am approaching December and my year is almost up. What a journey a learning and personal growth but we are still not pregnant.

So now I feel like Drew Barrymore in the movie Never Been Kissed. If you have seen it you will know what I mean in regard to this analogy. If you haven't seen it, here is a brief explanation. So Drew - who plays Josie Keller a character that in high school was never cool or hip, gets to relive her high school experience as an undercover reporter. There she meets what she feels is the love of her life and just as he is about to walk out she finds a way to try to get him back. Now I have the love of my life so the analogy is not about that - however one key part at the end of the movie when she is at the baseball field and what appears to be the whole city of Chicago watching to see if her plan to get the man of her dreams back will work. She asks for "5 minutes on the clock please" and then time slowly counts down - will the man she loves show up for her very first "real" kiss.

"May I have 5 minutes on the clock please?"

Well now my analogy - In regard to getting pregnant, I feel like I have "5 minutes" on my clock and time is ticking by ever so constantly and consistently - as time should. I have prayed, fasted, and done everything that both Dean and I feel is truly right for us and our home. We have done everything we felt we can do and now here is what I know and what I have learned from this experience:

I have learned that doctor's don't know everything.
I have learned that when I know there are different answers I need to seek them through prayer and let my heart be guided by the spirit.
I know that I am loved by so many people - my husband, my parents, family and friends and most of all my Father in Heaven.
I know that there is a reason for everything - but knowing the end of my story will take an eternity.
I have learned that I have NO CONTROL.
I have learned that I am still learning patience and probably will be for the rest of my life.
I know that things work out, they always do - just not in the way we expect.

So now with 5 minutes on my clock I feel as if I am standing here, waiting, wondering and hoping that I can understand what will be the best for me and our home. We would welcome a baby, we would love a baby but now as time slowly runs out from my perspective - what does my Heavenly Father want for me, our home and our family. For some reason in January 2011, I felt so strongly impressed to start this journey of trying to have a child. I thought I was crazy - so crazy. Dean and I had already been married for two years with no success and we knew that would probably be the case before we got married - however the impression was strong so we decided to press forward - why I will never know (or at least not at this point).

So now with "5 minutes on the clock" we wait knowing we have done everything we can do - it is in the hands of a higher power. With faith and courage undaunted we wait.

A New Perspective

2011-09-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

So after the appearance of the single pink line. I decided to change my perspective. A focus on my inner self. Something inside of me didn't feel right and what my physicians had to offer didn't feel like the right direction either. So my friend recommended a Bio-Kinetic Herbalist. Someone who she had never met but only heard wonderful things about. So after much hesitation I called left my name and number and waited and waited and waited. Six weeks to be exact. So when I finally got an appointment, I almost cancelled - worry. Dean said to just go and see. So I went and WOW can I just say AMAZING. Tisha identified several things some I knew about others I didn't. She suggested the right combination of herbs and WOW - I feel GREAT. Dean and I took some before and after shots of a persistent type of eczema on my hand. Well it is not quite healed after two week but there is improvement. I will follow up with more detail in my next post! Thanks to Melissa and thanks to Tisha!

Oh how I DISLIKE that single pink line...

2011-09-08T22:12:00.002-06:00

Oh how I do not like that single pink line!

Not a lot to say today - simply just that I feel like a crazy woman. I had hoped so much that after a successful HSG test - that process would help boost the odds of getting pregnant. I even thought I might be pregnant. Well I ran the First Response Pregnancy Test on day 27 and oh how I despise that single pink line. Well day 28 has arrived and it has been confirmed - that test is truly 99% accurate as the box states and the single pink line wins. Wanting to have a baby and trying to have a baby have become a very difficult and maddening process. Yes I realize we truly started trying to get pregnant the day we got married but it was about 6 months ago that we actually pulled science into the mix. I thought, well actually had hoped, that this process would be a little easier than expected. But NO I truly don't do anything really easy in life and getting pregnant is no exception.

Deep sigh - tomorrow is another day and forward with faith we go. Maybe just maybe someday we will be able to add another person into our family. DEEP SIGH....

Waiting is so tough for someone with so little patience...

2011-09-05T21:18:00.001-06:00

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." ~~C.S. Lewis~~

In my last blog, I discussed the next procedure in line for me on my journey this year to conceive a child - the HSG. August 19, 2011 came and Dean took me to the hospital for a procedure that I thought I should cancel at least 5 times. I just felt like the result would show that my tubes were blocked and that would be the end of trying. I was afraid and in tears. I was at my limit with stress and my emotions were up and down like a roller coaster. I went in for the procedure and it took a bit longer than expected. The technologist brought Dean back to go over the pictures from the X-Ray. There was no blockage! I couldn't believe it - just another miracle in my life. Dean just held me and I sobbed with relief. He said "See you need to have faith."

I went home that morning and called my acupuncturist and scheduled my next appointment. Dean and I decided to move forward with strength doing what we feel is right for our home and family. I started mapping again and my Clear Blue Easy test came back on day 14 with the smiley face. All systems go...now I wait. Oh my there are 31 days in this pattern and they seem to be crawling along ever so slowly. Are the twinges of pain I feel anything? How about the occasional cramps and queasy stomach? How about the irregular fatigue that hits in the late afternoon? Are these just my mind or is it real? The mind is so powerful and my heart wants so desperately to have my body understand how to make this work I wonder if I am just making this up? Sometimes I just don't know what to feel. And it is just a bit too soon for a home pregnancy test - this I know. I wish there was a way to tell - I know what I feel in my heart but I have to wait for modern science and my body to confirm.

One other thing I have recently learned, I had no idea I could go online and take quiz after quiz to determine if what I am feeling is the early signs of pregnancy. They all say the same thing - maybe. So maybe just maybe - I wait 26 days into this cycle wondering if this will be the month. But if not - we move forward - I move forward trying to best understand Heavenly Father's will for me and our family. Courage and faith I wait.

How do you say that word?

2011-08-11T22:59:00.003-06:00

Normally I add a picture about the topic I am writing about
however I don't have a good picture for today's topic. So
I added this picture from Pioneer Trek of my wonderful husband

So as we move forward trying to expand our family, we made the decision that I would have a HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM (HSG). A what? Can you pronounce that for me? So one question that I have had all along is how much damage has been done because of the endometriosis. I had hoped that something would happen pregnancy wise before it came to this step, but it hasn't and we are not pregnant yet. So I went to see a specialist. Deep sigh, pause and as I suspected all along, yes I am definitely the root cause of the problem. The specialist had a few suggestions and the HSG was a starting point. So next week I get to go in for this procedure - an x-ray exam to determine if everything is the right shape and size and to identify if there is any blockage. I am nervous. This test has such a potential finality to it - depending on what the results show this may bring trying to get pregnant to an end. I mean seriously I am 40 years old. I didn't get married until I was 37 and so the proverbial clock is ticking and not really in my favor. So I am worried. My sweet husband says that I should stop worrying over things that I don't have any control over. He is right but often that is easier said than done. So now I wait again until next Friday. I am trying hard to have faith that I can accept and understand what plan our Heavenly Father has for our family - whatever the test results show. For me this is a very big leap of faith and hope that I made the choices I was supposed to years ago in regard to my health. Life is about learning and this is another step in the process.

Now on a frustrating side note - I called my insurance to make sure this very baseline procedure would be covered. However I learned that fertility is an elective process. So if I can get pregnant fertility no longer becomes an option but a standard process that has to be taken care of because I would be carrying another person inside of me. So because I can't get pregnant, like I personally chose that option, fertility or testing for infertility becomes an elective procedure and insurance companies are not really willing to pay for elective procedures. I found out that my insurer will only pay 50% of the procedure up to $1500 per year with a lifetime max benefit of $5000. I also learned that each hospital has a different cost for the procedure I need done. Since my physician is paneled at several hospitals - I went shopping for the lowest rate. Oh my this feels very backward but at this point I guess it is what I have to do in order to get this test done. Wow I am learning a lot by not being fertile. My bigger question is who defined this process as elective? It makes me feel like the infertility procedure is being compared to a tummy tuck or breast augmentation. I would really like to chat with them about that potentially inequitable comparison in health care. Hmmm....well that's all for now, waiting, faith and courage...we move forward.

Self Portraits

2011-07-31T22:10:00.007-06:00

Dean and I in an Illinois cornfield. It was 100 degrees outside!

This summer has just gone by way too fast. Tomorrow is August 1st - I can't believe it. I made a blog post the first part of July and I had committed to myself to be more active in keeping track of the events this summer. Hmmm...I am a little behind. In an effort to catch up, here is a shortened version. We recently had two major family activities this summer - Mormon Pioneer Trek which was up in Wyoming at Muddy Creek and our family anniversary held a little early this year in Nauvoo, Illinois to see the LDS Church History sites and to visit Grandma and Papa. I am trying to put together the photo memory books before the summer is over and that is proving to be quite a challenge. However I thought it would be fun to share a family tradition that we have anytime we go somewhere - it is the family self portrait. When we are at a location that we like, our family squeezes together as tight as we can get - and then one person will extend their arm with camera in hand and snap a picture trying to incorporate the family and as much of the background as possible. It works really well when we get everything in one shot. However - sometimes it takes a few tries and being that tight and close after ten or so tries - well let's just say the family love begins to lessen just a bit. But we survive and the memories are great. Here are a few of my favorite shots from our recent adventures...

Here we are at the Nauvoo, Il LDS Temple

Modeling our Prairie Diamonds from the
Nauvoo Blacksmith shop.

It's 9:00am and we are at the end of the Trail of Hope (tears) on the Mississippi River.
It is 95 degrees outside and it looks like it may be a bit too early in the morning for a self portrait with teenagers!

Self Portrait at the St. Louis Archway - and yes it is 95 degrees at 9:00am.
This picture is after seven tries! We finally got one I liked!

Inside the Archway
waiting for our ride down

Here are a few more pictures to catch up with our summer events. These bring back fun memories even though it was a short time ago!

Mormon Pioneer Trek - Muddy Creek Wyoming in June 2011

Kiss Me Dirty Mud Run girls only - July 2, 2011

C'mon how about a kiss?

We had to find a way to include the boys too! :)

One of my favorites - Dean and I as we look at the Mississippi River at the St. Louis Archway.
A nice way to end the trip!

There is a review of summer 2011 so far. It has been fun and filled with a lot to do! Hopefully I will be able to update things a bit more frequently now as we move into fall.

Baby Ducks

2011-07-05T22:34:00.001-06:00

The other night Dean and I were driving down a very busy construction filled street for our weekly date. We had had several difficult weeks at home with our teenagers. Well, to be honest several difficult months -hence the reason I haven't blogged for a while. So now that we had some time to ourselves, we were simply sitting in silence in the car. The traffic light had turned red and I was lost in my thoughts trying to figure out how things had gone so far off course in our home. Sitting there, I looked up and noticed a mother duck trying to get her babies across seven different lanes of traffic. Since our car had just come to a stop, she decided to cross right in front of us. My heart panicked for her knowing she needed to make it across the street with her brood. In a split second I went to jump out of the car but I froze as the light turned green. Dean rolled down the window and got oncoming cars to stop - she made it across half of the busy construction filled road and had halfway to go without our help. Our car didn't move and neither did the car next to us. This brave mother duck waddled on with her children following closely behind. Cars stopped quickly on the other side of the road when they realized this small family was working so frantically to get across the street. What played out in just a matter of seconds - sure felt like an eternity as we waited to ensure the safe passage of this small group. They made it! Oh relief, tears welled up in my eyes,my racing heart began to relax and we drove on to our destination.

Lost in my thoughts again, I realized that I am like that mother duck. I didn't have the opportunity to raise my children when they were young and now as they begin to spread their wings and learn to take flight I find myself doing everything possible to make sure they know how to cross the very busy street of life. I am dependant on others around me (God, family, ward members and good friends) to help guide my children safely through the worldly construction. Sometimes I can't do it alone - in fact I am sure that's the way our Heavenly Father planned it. I need God in my life, I need the guidance as I navigate across the "busy road." My children need him as well. It is so hard watching my children grow, struggle and learn. As they struggle, I struggle. I want so bad to shelter them from the storm. I can't always do that and I have to have faith they will remember what they have been taught, make good choices and always be surrounded by the everyday people and things that will help them cross the busy street.

Life has settled down in our home again. Our children have had some marvelous experiences in the past few weeks and I am grateful. I pray that they will continue to have a desire to choose good things that make them happy.

Now on getting pregnant. Well with all of the chaos in our home, Dean and I decided to focus on our teenagers - not on getting pregnant. So acupuncture and temperature reading were put on hold. To be honest, my teenagers are making me really question having a child. Parenting teens is emotionally draining and frankly I am not sure I am up for round two. So we are trying to decide what our next step will be in this process. We are looking at getting July behind us and then we will determine which way to go on this journey.

Keeping Busy

2011-04-19T21:25:00.001-06:00

It has been a month since I posted an update on this 2011 journey. Spring has been very interesting one minute there is sunshine and 70 degree temperatures and the next day we could wake up with 4 inches of snow. It is crazy. I am ready for spring. I am ready to work in my garden and dig in the dirt. Just ready for sunshine. Oh how I long for the sun and the warmth that it brings.

In the last blog I discussed my concerns about having a child. I still have

concerns but I have settled into the process of trying. I wake up every morning and before I barely move, I take my temperature. I log it and then I look for any changes. I really feel more in tune with my body than ever before. I never realized. I am continuing with acupuncture, daily vitamins and supplements and now Chinese herbs. I am not pregnant yet but I feel great - better than I have felt in a very long time! It is amazing.

One of the other things that have I had to make the decision to change is my eating habits. No dairy, no wheat and no refined sugar. So what is a girl with a sweet tooth to do? Well I have buried myself in the kitchen. Trying recipes and experimenting. My family has been the testing zone. Some things have been a success and others - well big flops. My first success was from the the Spunky Coconut is was the Spunky Coconut Vanilla Bean Cake recipe. My family loved that cake and did not have a clue what the ingredients were in the recipe. The secret - cooked white beans. When I told them - jaws dropped but they continued to eat it. Sam even had two pieces. Now that I have made changes in my diet, spent so much time cooking and tasting - the amazing thing is that I am down 10 pounds from Christmas. I am still 10 pounds to go to hit my goal but I feel amazing!

Last thing - Dean and I just finished our first half marathon for the year and we completed it with one of our best times in our half marathon career. I followed a combination of running and walking and finished in 2 hours and 32 minutes. Yeah!!! The most amazing thing I wasn't sore the next day. I felt great. I had energy. I can't wait until our next race in a month. In fact my children are excited about being active. In fact I talked my daughter into doing the Dirty Girl Run. We are a relay team and we will each be taking 2 miles through mud obstacles dressed as divas! We are looking forward to that event in July. The site is Dirty Girl Run - check it out!

What Are We Doing?

2011-03-10T22:47:00.001-07:00

Okay so as we move forward on this path of trying to get pregnant - oh the things that have gone through my mind. Having never been pregnant and thinking that it was not going to be a potential possibility in my life - I truly never thought twice about it but now that we are actually being more proactive - oh my goodness - WHAT ARE WE DOING?

So let me provide a little bit of background to the heavy mood of this blog. So far Dean and I have felt like we have a green light in this process in so many ways. Tuesday I started acupuncture and I have also been tracking my temperature (I forgot to mention that the shake down thermometer has become my new morning companion). As a part of this process, I have been directed by my doctor and acupuncturist that I need to change some things. My diet. So here are the suggested changes:

Meals consisting of protein, fat and veggies - no problem - I can do that.
Eat protein at every meal - again I think I can do that.
Exercise regularly - Check. Not a problem.
Eliminate refined sugars - PROBLEM! I really like sugar
Avoid cold or iced foods and beverages - Hmmmmm - I am not sure about this one yet.
Get enough sleep - okay this one is good but needs a bit of fine tuning.
No wheat - so far I have gone one month without this - oh it is tough when a good Sugar Cookie crosses my path.

So yesterday when I was hit with the 3:00pm munchies attack, oh I wanted junk food - sugar highly refined, crackers made of wheat or sugary juice. I refrained but it was difficult!

Who knew that for the conceptionally challenged - like me - that this undertaking would be such a task. I feel like I am making big changes for something that may or may not happen. I was starting to think - 'Joelle you are crazy.' I have three children, a wonderful husband and great family, do I really need this? Most of all I am afraid of failure. How will I feel if this doesn't work?

I have tried to live my life in such a way that I would be successful and for the most part I think things have gone well. However, I think that this fear - fear of failing or feeling hurt is part of the reason it took me so long to meet my husband. Let me explain, I was dating a guy, thought I was falling in love with him and then he dumped me. I hated that feeling - so somewhere deep in my heart I decided that I would hold dating at a distance and not let anyone in until it felt safe. Well I dated, but after 12 years, I finally opened my heart again and then got dumped. Realizing that I only had some control (well if any) I decided I didn't want to close my heart again. I dated and dated and then I met my husband. I finally felt safe, loved and like myself - we fit. Somehow trying to conceive is somewhat of the same feeling for me right now, I am taking a risk on something I don't have a lot of control over. Risk (and faith) brought me my husband - can that same faith carry me through this journey. Well today it doesn't feel like it - too many unknown factors with only a few that I have control over.

So yesterday, I got home from work and said to my husband - WHAT ARE WE DOING? Is this really what we want to do? This is a lot of work for something so unknown. And then I began to cry. Dean took me in his arms and said he understood. He agreed that we have three children but...(So in my mind I am saying to myself BUT WHAT. THIS IS TOO HARD!) Dean paused, took a deep breath and said we discussed that you have always lived your life in a way that you would have no regrets. We also discussed and we felt that if we didn't make an effort at pregnancy - we - especially me - would always wonder what would happen if I didn't put forth my best effort and try - try to have a child - would I be missing out on something that may have been. So my wonderful husband has brought some perspective back to this process. And we move forward.

Now that I am emotionally back in the game, today I was, according to most text books, supposed to see a change in my temperature. But I didn't - deep sigh - no change. I know this will take a few months. I know that I need to make some suggested changes in my eating habits, but oh it would have been nice to see a change on that dumb thermometer. So guess what - tomorrow morning is a new day and that thermometer is by my bed - and so I wait - we wait - with faith and courage undaunted we wait.

The Journey Forward

2011-03-08T22:14:00.002-07:00

Today brought new thoughts and feelings as the next steps in this process of trying to create and build onto our family begin. Hope and patience will be essential. There is a lot to do and my blogs will follow explaining the task before me. But there is a conference talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf that keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. It always lifts me up when the road before me seems so long. Courage undaunted - the journey of being 40 moves forward.

Faith Takes Us One More Step Forward

2011-03-07T21:35:00.002-07:00

So in the last few weeks I have been waiting ever so patiently for results. It has been so hard to keep my mind busy. As I have waited for me, our daughter turned 16 years old and life continues to move forward one day at a time.

Parenting a teenager is difficult enough, but by adding a couple of new factors into the equation - driving and dating - and it makes life even more challenging and prayerful. So our daughter officially has her drivers license and every time she leaves the house I swear I get one more gray hair added to my head. I pray in a new way for her each day. I pray that she will return home safe and I pray that she will make good choices throughout her day. It is so hard helping to raise these children that I have had the opportunity to parent for such a short time only to turn around to let them go, hoping that someday they will be happy with the choices they have made for themselves.

So now I feel impressed to try to bring a baby into this mix knowing full well what may lie ahead in the teenage years and beyond. But still I feel that the direction is the right thing. So the waiting takes on a new meaning. We received the test results and according to the blood tests, established by modern science, they indicate that I can still try to conceive a child. This is very good news. My doctor so patiently looked at me as we discussed different options to move forward. Her last piece of advise to me was "whatever you do, do it quickly" because she explained that age is very quickly starting to work against me and the concerns about endometriosis will become a moot point as I get older.

So now faith has taken us forward one more step. We have decided to start acupuncture treatments which will begin tomorrow. The thing that a blood test can't tell me is the damage that the endometriosis may have done inside of me. Dean and I are not sure if putting me through surgery again just to find out that my tubes may be blocked is the right direction. If that is the case that means more surgeries and right now it just doesn't feel right. That impression may change but for now we both feel what we have done so far is right for us and now we wait again to see if it will work. Deep down inside there is something telling that if this is going to work for us, we will know in six months. Maybe it is crazy but that is how I feel about it today. Faith brought me this far in my life and I know it can take me and my family even further than we ever thought could be possible.

The Journey Continues and the Waiting Begins

2011-02-15T22:41:00.003-07:00

So I finally got brave enough to post the goal the we want to try to have a baby.  I know that I am putting down some very personal information with my journey into being 40. I know that a few people glance at my blog from time to time so my story will be somewhat public.  I also know that my children don't know where to find my blog - and Dean and I haven't told them that we are now seriously looking at the options of adding to our family. We don't want to get their hopes up if for some reason this doesn't happen.  But I feel that it is important to document this journey along the way and to glean whatever treasures I can from this process and my blog allows me to journal this event. Yes I am afraid that the impression that I have had may be way off base, but both Dean and I feel very strongly that we need to look at the opportunities that are available to try without taking extreme measures.

Here is my history coming into present day. In 2004, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Pre-laproscopic surgery, my doctor at the time ran a CA-125 blood test for cancer that came back positive. She was convinced that I had ovarian cancer. She felt that she could just go in, take my ovary out and life should go on as normal. I however felt in my heart that it was not cancer. I did research and found out that a CA-125 blood test could give a false positive if there was endometriosis present in the body. As I talked to my doctor she just didn't feel that I had the signs and symptoms that went with endometriosis and that we would stick with the original plan of taking out my ovary. After the surgery, she came out to inform me that I did indeed have a very severe case of endometriosis (spanning from my liver to my appendix) and there was not a cancerous tumor.  She was able to leave both of my ovaries in tact. That was good news. With that knowledge I did research and went back to my doctor to discuss my options. I wanted to take a holistic approach and she wanted to put me on Lupron (an experimental drug that would shut off my pituitary gland) for an indefinite period of time or until I decided to have children. I was not married at the time and didn't know if I would ever meet "Mr. Right" and the thought of being on an experimental drug for an indefinite period of time didn't sound appealing especially since I had read that patients who had been on Lupron had experienced severe, life changing side effects. I tried to discuss other approaches with my doctor and even show her the studies and reading on nutritional treatments for this disease. At that time, she squarely looked me in the eyes and said that she does not practice medicine that way and I was invited to either take the shot or leave her practice. With tears in my eyes, I left and never went back to see Dr. Towbin again.

Going forward with much fasting and prayer, I made the decision to take the holistic approach and found a doctor that would treat me with the care I felt I needed. I was 34 years old, I didn't have any prospects for marriage and I decided at that time it was better for me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that somehow I would be able to take care of children in whatever capacity my Heavenly Father needed me.  Whether it was working with youth, helping with my nephews or if I ever got married, possibly children from a spouse's previous marriage. I knew that the approach that I was taking may mean that giving birth to children of my own may never be possible. But I was single and I decided that I could live with that or at least I thought I could at that point of time in my life.

Fast forward to the present, I have been married to a wonderful, patient and caring man for 2 1/2 years. During my single days, I didn't realize that love could be such a powerful and bonding emotion. I have also been blessed with three teenagers. These children were adopted by Dean and his first wife - Amy. Amy was very sick for 11 years and passed away in 2007. I am not here to replace Amy in any way but I also feel that I am a part of this family to pick up where Amy left off. I am a now a parent and it is amazing how when raising teenagers can be so tough on some days, that powerful emotion of love can carry our jumbled family through another day. I am grateful for the good times. But it is that same emotion, love, that has created a sense of desire deep in my heart and soul to have a little piece of me and a little piece of Dean to bring into this world and to raise in our home. I often have to remind myself that if we are able to have a child, that this child will be a teenager someday and the roller coaster of fun will start all over again. But I feel impressed to try and Dean agrees. So now we move forward with faith.

I met with the doctor last week and we discussed several non-invasive options that may or may not be helpful. But first - the blood test - to see if I am still ovulating or to see if I am even fertile - that was today's journey. If the results of that test come back negative then I know that this was a short journey but it was nice to consider. And so now I wait - we wait. I keep reminding myself of the quote from President Thomas S. Monson - "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time." It is with faith and courage undaunted that I wait.

What Will 40 Bring?

2011-02-14T21:21:00.003-07:00

I have almost been avoiding writing on my blog. In some ways I have had to come to terms with myself. Last year in January I wrote several different blogs consisting of thoughts about my best friend, motherhood and my list of 39 things to do before I turned 40. Well I turned 40 last month and physically that has been a challenge - my back went out, my LDL cholesterol went up and almost overnight I gained 15 pounds. After a routine physical all of the tests showed within a normal range. My doctor has recommended a new exercise regime and the rest is up to me. So now it is time for me to take charge of being 40. Because my list of 39 things kept me focused last year, I have decided to work on a few more goals this year. My list isn't quite as long but it does have some things that are very close to my heart and soul. In talking with Dean we agreed that it would be okay to journal my thoughts on the blog - so here is this years list of goals:

Read the Book of Mormon
Finish my Personal Progress
Volunteer at Monroe Elementary
Study for Pioneer Trek
Pay off my one credit card
Clean out my storage unit
Weekend get-a-way with my husband
Complete an open water triathlon
Learn a new dinner recipe
Lower my LDL cholesterol
Lose 20 pounds
Hike Timp
Try to have a baby

I am a firm believer that by putting the hearts desires and personal revelations down in writing it moves those thoughts to a form of action. In the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (one of my favorite books) it talks about the importance of finding your personal legend. The author states "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense." Coelho also states that "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Well my life is definitely a journey and each day is a new learning experience. It is important to keep propelling my life into a forward motion in order for me to treasure all that has to offer.

So now with a big leap of faith I will move forward into my 40th year of life. Thomas S. Monson has said that "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time." So going forward it is with faith that I work on this year's list.

One last thing - I love my husband! He is my best support, my best friend and the balance in my life. This year he made Valentine's Day so wonderful. He is the first man to ever send me flowers! He sent me 3 dozen red roses, took me to dinner and spoiled me all weekend. How grateful I am that he is in my life!

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning..."

2011-01-16T21:21:00.018-07:00

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~~Maria Robinson

So it has be 4 months since I made time to work on my blog. I cannot believe how quickly life has moved in a forward direction. I remember when I was very little (maybe 5 or 6) and it seemed like waiting for Christmas to come (or any special event for that matter) felt like forever. It seemed like time would slow down in an effort to taunt my patience in waiting for those much anticipated moments to arrive. Now that I am older - 40 to be exact - it seems like time moves too quickly and if I blink for too long - well I just might miss something.

In an effort not to miss anything that life was going to give me, last January 17, 2010 - my 39th birthday - I made a list of 39 things to accomplish before I turned 40. Today I reviewed that list and I have successfully completed 25 of those items. There are a few things that I was able to partially complete but I did not count those. So 25 out of 39 that is a 64% completion rate - that's below a D average if you are using a typical grading scale. However I don't feel like the things that I accomplished this past year by myself and with my family and friends equals a D grade. This blog has been a journal of this past year and some of the things that I know I have accomplished are really quite extraordinary for me and my life. Looking at each month I have posted things, I would give myself an A (of course that is the grading scale according to Joelle).

I have tried to take one day at a time focusing on being true to myself, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. Then I added in church service and work. Like the quote at the beginning stated, I can't really start a new beginning but I can do things now that will impact the ending of my story. And again the best way that I know how to do that is one day at a time. Moment by moment in the grand eternal plan and being the best that I can be right now.

So here is a quick review of some things that I did not take time to blog about over the past 4 months that were on "The List of 39."

Seeing a Broadway Play - we took the family to the Lion King when it came to Salt Lake in the fall.
Planning our family anniversary - Dean and I took the family to Moab for some hiking and rappelling. Oh that was fun.

Completed a triathlon, attended the symphony, volunteered at the local elementary school, danced with my husband, brewed up some homemade root beer and the list goes on.

Oh it has been a good year - I wouldn't trade all of the good times or tough times for anything. And to top it all off, I spent this last weekend before I turned 40 with just my husband in St. George. It was amazing. We went to the temple, hiked, rappelled, climbed and zip lined. He planned a wonderful stay at Green Gate Village Bed and Breakfast. We had our adventure with Paragon Adventures and went to and learned about the St. George Temple. It was an amazing way to end an extraordinary year! Now on to the next adventures - What to do now that I am 40? What will this next chapter entail?

It Does Not Do to Dwell on Dreams and Forget to Live ~ Albus Dumbledore

2010-08-23T21:39:00.017-06:00

August has been a very busy month and this last Saturday was no exception to the standard. Early Saturday morning, Dean and I finished our third half marathon for the year - the Hobblecreek Half Marathon. It was a lovely run and beautiful scenery. To top it off, it was the best run of the year as half marathons go. In looking at my list of "39 Things" I have now surpassed my original goal to take 5 minutes off of my best half marathon time and I have taken 10 minutes off of my best time established prior to 2010. It was a wonderful feeling - I couldn't believe it. It was a good finish for both of us.

As we were driving home, I received a call. Realize, Dean and I have just both finished a 13.1 mile race in the heat - so we are hot, smelly and tired. The sound of taking on anything other than a nice cool shower just wasn't in our thought process. But my mind was quickly changed when I saw the call was coming from Birdman Academy (http://www.birdmanacademy.net/). The winds were perfect and it was time to hang glide (item 6 on "The 39 Things List"). Dean insisted that we could be there in 20 minutes. Going home first was not an option. So the second adventure of the day was about to "take flight."

We got to the flight location, I signed all of the proper release forms, received my 30 day license with the USHGPA and had a quick 20 minute instruction period. After that it was time to soar!

All I was supposed to do was - step, step, run, run, run. I was instructed to just keep running until the wind lifted us. As I was being strapped to the hang glider, the wind was so strong I could hardly hold my balance. In fact it took four grown men to hold the glider down. I asked my tandem instructor how I was supposed to engage in the step and run process he had taught me. He looked and me said "Don't worry we won't need that."

Sure enough the four men let go and with one step we were up!!! Looking around me I could see that I was truly soaring with the hawks at their level. We could see as these birds of prey entered a thermal, my tandem instructor would explain that we would enter that thermal as well. And sure enough, just like the magnificent birds of prey, we also experienced the up and down dip like a roller coaster without gravity holding me down - each time gaining a little more loft and continuous flight. The view was amazing. My ground crew suddenly looked like little ants on the hill side. It felt like I could see for miles.

I have been sky diving. But hang gliding and sky diving are very different. The ability to soar and glide with the birds was a new feeling and level of control. "We live in a wonderful world that is full beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open." ~~Jawaharlal Nehru

Thanks to all of the staff of the Birdman Academy and my husband for a wonderful adventure!

Catherine's Pass - Item 21 on the List

2010-08-09T20:42:00.017-06:00

As the year progresses forward, I am slowly working my way down "the list." With each adventure, I find myself including family and friends into this journey - I love the company so I hope they don't mind that I drag them along for the ride.

The latest adventure was number 21 on "the list"- meaning that I was to hike from Big Cottonwood Canyon over to Little Cottonwood Canyon. For some reason climbing over a canyon seemed like such a daunting task that I wanted to be prepared. So as a family we have been taking practice hikes on the weekends. We have hiked up to Rocky Mouth Water Fall, Red Butte Peak, Titus Lake and Neff's Canyon. Last Saturday, my family, my brother and sister-in-law and Dean's brother and sister-in-law started out in the Albion Basin in Little Cottonwood Canyon.

What a beautiful hike . This area has such a history - according to the book 60 Hikes within 60 Miles it states the following:

"Silver mining brought William Stuart Brighton to the upper bowl of Big Cottonwood Canyon in the 1870s. But he soon realized that a better living could be made feeding and housing miners than in actually mining silver. After spending three summers in a tent, he built a hotel in 1874 near the shores of Silver Lake and soon developed the area into a popular mountain resort. His wife, Catherine, would serve the trout she had caught in Silver Lake with hot buttermilk biscuits. Big Cottonwood's upper bowl contains a beautiful chain of glacial lakes cascading down the southern side. In a fitting tribute, William Brighton named the jewel of the upper Big Cottonwood Canyon after his wife. Lake Catherine is a perfectly inviting place for a rest or a relaxing afternoon."

For our hiking adventure, the morning was cool and beautiful - perfect trekking weather. The wildflowers were in full bloom. The hike was a gradual uphill with a series of switch backs. Rounding corner after corner until we finally made it to the mountain's saddle and our first view of Catherine lake. Wow. Deciding to extend our hike slightly, we started up to Sunset Peak (10, 684 feet). This was a steeper incline and I was wondering if I could make the trek. I am so glad that I pushed up the mountain, as the views were amazing - we could see all of the valleys and the cascading lakes. It was worth the extra time and climb to see the world from this vantage point.

Going down through the lakes and making our decent into Big Cottonwood Canyon was wonderful. A cool mountain breeze and wildflowers as far as the eye could see. How thankful I am to have the health and strength to enjoy the wonders of this beautiful world that our Heavenly Father has created.

Am I The Right Height For This?

2010-06-21T20:58:00.014-06:00

There is a common sign in most theme parks that clearly states at the beginning of each ride: "You must be this tall to ride the ride." I remember when I was younger, so much younger, waiting for the day that I would be the right height for any ride in any theme park. Well that day did come and now I am going to change that common phrase up a bit and ask: "Is this ride the appropriate height for me?"

The other day Dean and I had the opportunity to go to Lagoon - our local theme park. It brought back many nostalgic memories of our younger years of the rides that we had to be brave or daring to ride as well as the old traditional standby rides like the bumper cars or the merry-go-round. As we were discussing the "Big White Roller Coaster" and the Jet Star we felt like we should take the opportunity to brave those rides once again. Well let me just say - one go on the Jet Star and that really twisted my equilibrium around. Dean felt the same way. But we had to take on the "Big White Roller Coaster" or at least we felt we could handle it. One ride on that rickety thing and we were both out of commission for the rest of the night.

What happened to the days that we could go on the fast, crazy and popular rides over and over without getting our stomachs tied in knots? I remember taking pride in riding the Jet Star enough times that I would lose count on two hands as well as other big and fast coasters. Not now. Now am the parent who takes it easy, does some people watching and a nice mellow go around on the terror ride. Our children on the other hand were in heaven taking on the new and crazy coasters of today, the Spider or Wicked or Samurai over and over until they had had their fill of this insanity. So now I ask: Am I too old to ride these crazy rides? Does age take this kind of fun away? Or does the level of fun change with age? I must say it was rather fun for me to enjoy the theme park from a new perspective - that of my children. Watching them have fun and begging to stay until the park closed. That was fun.

Dean and I did have fun - we did all of the things that we never did when we were younger and you know what - I had a wonderful time. I am learning to enjoy the subtle changes that come with age. But sometimes there are changes I never expected to come like losing the ability to ride amusement park rides. So now instead of asking if I am the appropriate height for a ride, I ask myself is this ride the appropriate height for me?

I'm Not Perfect!

2010-06-03T21:17:00.018-06:00

So it has been a while since I have posted on my blog. I am not sure if it is writer's block or just being very busy.

First of all - I need to thank Connie Cook from Picture Yourself Photography for our awesome family pictures at the top of the blog. We had such a wonderful time during the photo shoot. What has normally been a painful process for our family turned out to be one of our best days. We just had fun. Thank you Connie!

Second, I have been asked a lot lately where I am at on the "39 Things" list. Well here is a quick update. I have now completed 11 of the 39 items. The latest "thing" that I logged on the list was to complete a triathlon. On May 22, 2010, I completed the Woman of Steel Triathlon. The morning was very cold and rainy. Because the temperature was 39 degrees the swim portion was cancelled and the race was now a run-bike-run. Swimming is my stronger event - so I was a little disappointed but overall things went well for my first TRI effort. I was so nervous and the stress level was bringing me to tears. Dean was my cheerleader and spent the whole morning with me on the sidelines helping me all along the way! I survived and completed the race in 1 hour 50 minutes. A good start. I will participate in another "TRI" with Dean in September.

The "sugar" goal - well what can I say - the truth. I was doing really well but after about 3 weeks I slipped back into some old habits. I know I felt better, slept better and overall everything seemed better - so now I am trying again to see if I can go 39 days without sugar, gluten or dairy.

The "sugar" goal seems like one of the more challenging items on my list for me - but I ask myself why? It should be really easy. The other thing about not yet achieving this item is the way it makes me feel. I almost feel as if I have failed myself. And it is as if perfection on this item is definitely out of reach.

But why do I feel this need to be perfect? This is my list and who else really cares? So why do I feel the need to show to others the facade of perfection? And now that I think about it - perfection for me isn't just this one item, it isn't even the "39 Things" list, it is everyday life. I have a deep desire to prove to myself that I can do everything. I need to show that I can balance all that life has given me. I often feel that others judge me by my success and/or my failures. When in reality what it boils down to is simply me. I am not perfect. In fact I am very far from this thing called perfection and I hope that I never find it.

Harriet Braiker once said: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing."

Anna Quindlen said: "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

So today, I am going to stop striving for perfection and start focusing on becoming myself. Being the best that I can be for me, my husband and my family. The people that mean the most to me, need me to be at my best - not perfect - but at my best. So as I continue to work on the "39 Things" list, my perspective has changed. I now ask myself, how can I develop myself? And how can that help me to support the ones that I love? Everything else is life - and that matters, but, it is the perspective that I approach life with - that is what I believe matters the most.

Confessions of a Sugar Addict!

2010-04-14T21:08:00.013-06:00

Okay - this is true confessions time. I have one major downfall in life - sugar. I am a sugar addict. But here's the thing, not just sugar in any size, shape or form - I am a picky sugar eater. I can pass on the cake, doughnuts and pastries. I can even pass on most candy bars. But when I need sugar, I go straight for the cookies, Wint-O-Green Lifesavers or really good dark chocolate like Amano Chocolate bars. Let me just clarify, on the cookies, it's not just any cookie - it needs to be the kind that are homemade or like homemade. For example, sugar cookies with frosting, a good chocolate chip cookie with a slightly crunchy outside but nice soft slight gooey inside. Just thinking about it makes me smile and makes me want to indulge in my craving.

Why this obsession with sugar? Well because I have made the conscious choice to cut sugar, gluten and dairy out of my life for 39 days starting today April 14, 2010. Gluten and dairy I am not really worried about, but sugar - well what can I say - I have a sweet tooth. So I have made a logical compromise instead of going cold turkey, I have decided to cut refined sugar out - that means that I am going to allow honey in moderation, agave in moderation and stevia.

I have asked myself over and over, can I really do this 39 day sugar free project? Well since I am being honest - the answer is I don't know. When I get stressed, bored or even just because I finished a meal I go straight for the sweet treat. I don't know how to describe how a good piece of chocolate can relieve stress but it just does in some magical way. Or how biting into a really good frosted sugar cookie can almost seem nostalgic as memories of special occasions or Santa Claus and the holidays flood my mind. Can I give up that comfort that food can sometimes bring - again the answer is simply I don't know?

I have read study after study that describes to me that if I give up sugar, I will sleep better, think better, my body will function better and a large list of other "betters" that can happen all from giving up sugar. So now I will choose to put the research to the test for myself - what can giving up sugar do for me? I don't know - well at least not yet.

I have logged my starting weight, biking times, running / walking times and also sleep schedule. Over the next 39 days I will test these studies that I have read and see if my body and soul show any marked improvement. Only time will tell...

One Brushstroke at a Time

2010-04-04T20:17:00.019-06:00

Today is Easter Sunday and it was also the 180th Annual Session of General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As I had time to reflect on the importance of this day and the chance to be with family, I have several thoughts rumbling around my soul as I have been working to find my place in the role of daughter, sister, aunt, wife and mother.
As I have written in previous blogs motherhood came very suddenly in my life. Whereas a majority of mothers get to start their motherhood careers adjusting to a child even before they are born, I have not had that same opportunity. Motherhood started with teenagers - a unique gift for me. I find myself being stretched and tested in so many ways. And some days it just feels as if I am the "Taxi Mom" trying to find that balance of getting everyone every place they need to be and still be able to get dinner on the table at a reasonable hour. I feel very inadequate and often wonder if I am doing any good at all.
Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to teach the Relief Society lesson on President Henry B. Eyring's October 2009 conference talk Our Perfect Example. In that talk he refers to the children's Primary song, I Am Trying to Be Like Jesus, in preparing for that lesson, I decided to have my nephew come and sing that song to the ladies.
The Saturday before my lesson was a crazy day. We had a race, family yard cleaning, soccer, grocery shopping, Young Women's Conference and on top of that I needed to practice this song with my nephew. Where was I going to find time? As I ran from place to place, the song practice was next on the list. When I got there, my nephew had practiced the wrong song so we started learning and practicing the new song from scratch. He and I sat side by side and went over the words - with each practice the words sank into my head and my heart and gave me a the reality check that I needed for the rest of the day.

Sunday morning and we are all at church. I take my nephew (C) to Primary and I go to Sunday School. I am starting to get nervous, what if the song doesn't work, what if the words are forgotten and there are many more what ifs that I continue to worry about. I go and pick C up from Primary and when he sees me, he comes out the door, puts his arms around me and whispers in my ear "Oh Aunt Joelle - I love you." Suddenly nothing else in the world mattered, just that little boy and his unconditional love for me - the most inadequate and imperfect person in the world. C and I sang the song together. I was told that it went well but in my heart nothing mattered more at that moment than that little person and what he taught to me. The words of the song told me everything that I need to worry about to be the best that I can be for me and all of my family. Here are the words:

I'm trying to be like Jesus, I'm following in his ways
I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,
"Love on another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

When life gets crazy - sometimes it is the simplest things that I forget to do. It is remembering to try to be like Jesus (My Perfect Example) that will help me to find that day-to-day balance as I navigate through my new role as a parent.

In Elder David A. Bednar's October 2009 conference address More Diligent and Concerned at Home he states the following:

"...a painting** is a vast collection of individual brushstrokes - none of which in isolation is very interesting or impressive. In fact, if you stand close to the canvas, all you can see is a mass of seemingly unrelated and unattractive streaks of paint. However, as you gradually move away from the canvas, all of the individual brushstrokes combine together and produces a magnificent picture. Many ordinary, individual brushstrokes work together to create a captivating and beautiful painting...Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls."

So I guess I may never see my family's completed painting , but hopefully the brush strokes that I have the opportunity to add to the masterpiece of our home, through family activities, family study, bearing my testimony and teaching the importance of agency, will come together to make a beautiful portrait. Until then, I will just continue to have faith, hope and trust in my Heavenly Father that things will work out as they should in this life.

**Note: the painting is Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte by George Seurat. He is a pointillist painter (the dots) I chose this painting in an effort to show the individual strokes that it takes to make the whole picture come together.

As Good as it Gets and Getting Better All of the Time!

2010-03-21T19:53:00.017-06:00

I think I need to clarify a couple of things from my last blog - I still don't know if I will ever appreciate exercise, that hasn't changed - but I discussed my attempt to take 5 minutes off of my best half marathon time and the Canyonlands Half Marathon would be my first attempt in 2010.

Here is some history that may better explain my half marathon improvement attempt. Two years ago, Dean and I decided that we would train for and complete 3 half marathons a year. And so far we have maintained that goal for ourselves. For 2010, Dean wanted to participate in the Moab 1/2 in March, we always participate in the Salt Lake 1/2 in April and then we select a half marathon that takes place in the late summer or early fall. In training for the Moab run, my mentality has been that this will be my first half marathon of the season. My logical mind kept saying that this first run/walk coming out of winter probably wouldn't be the best so don't count on any big finishes or personal bests. I could provide several other excuses as to why this race wouldn't go well-training, injuries etc. My head and my spirit just didn't feel in the game.

But, I set a goal, number 15 on my list of 39 things to do this year, to take 5 minutes off of my best half marathon time. That means that I needed to obtain a finish time of 2 hours 35 minutes and 27 seconds in order to hit my target. With the Moab trek, I kept trying to convince myself not to push it. And now, the day before the race I am getting extremely anxious. I know I have three tries but my heart panics - have I set a goal I can't obtain? Is this too much? This goal may be too lofty this year - should I change my goal list and give number 15 on the list up until 2011? I don't want to change the list I am not ready to quit this early in the year. So instead, on Friday morning March 20, 2010, I turn into grumpy wife and grumpy mom. My husband and my children don't know what they did to set me off - nothing - but I can't explain the anxious emotion trapped inside of me. In my heart, I want so bad to obtain this goal but the logic of my mind says I am trying to do more that I am physically able to do. Basically the inner torment is now spilling to my outer world and none of us knows quite how to handle it.

Dean and I finally pack up Friday afternoon and head to Moab. First we went to do a session in the Monticello, Utah LDS Temple. This was a great way to end the day. As I was sitting in the quiet of the temple, my insides seemed to settle. My heart and mind aligned with one another and my soul agreed to just have fun and to do the best I could in this race. I have trained and done everything I was able to do to prepare for this March moment. Ready or not it's go time.

Early Saturday morning, Dean and I check into the race, and catch a bus up to the top of the canyon. It is a beautiful morning as the sun begins to rise over the red rock canyon and the rays of sunlight seem to dance on the Colorado River. It is cold but we have 2 hours to acclimate before the race is to begin.

Ten o'clock a.m. and the start gun sounds and we are off headed down the canyon. Mile 1 time comes in at 11 minutes and 40 seconds. Mile 2 close to the same. Dean and I use each other to maintain a steady pace. We have both agreed to try to keep a 12 minute per mile average. Mile 5 and we are ahead of schedule 56 minutes into this race - I can't believe it I have never had a pace like this. Mile 6 still ahead time, but my body now says you have jogged enough it is time to speed walk. So I carry on hoping that the time I have banked will hold through to the finish line. Dean and I press on and with each mile our pace slows just a bit. So now the mental game kicks in for me. I say to myself, it's okay Joelle, do the best you can, you have done your best in the first 6 miles and it shows. I keep telling myself to keep my head in the game. I continue to listen to the book on audio and push forward with Dean slowly jogging by my side.

The miles pass and Dean talks me through the last big hill. He was amazing talking me through one mental road block after another. Mile 11 we are out of the canyon before the "bus of shame" does its sweep. Mile 12 - we have both hit the proverbial wall but Dean starts to pick up the pace. I look at him, I look at my watch and say - "go honey, please do this for both of us I will see you at the finish." He moves on, I continue to jog a little and walk and jog and walk and try to stay close to Dean. I round the last corner, looking at my watch 2 hours 33 minutes and 50 seconds. The finish line is in view. I am too close to let time beat me. Deep within my heart, I push it and like nothing I have ever felt before my body is able to push itself to a new limit. I cross the line and I start to cry - my watch shows the unofficial time of 2 hours 35 minutes and 19 seconds. I DID IT - WE DID IT! Dean and I finished this race just 2 seconds apart in our best half marathon times so far.

My official time was 2 hours 35 minutes and 21 seconds. I am definitely not the quickest participant in the bunch - but I have learned that isn't what matters. I need to remember to be the best that I can be and enjoy each moment that life has to offer. This was a great life moment and I had my husband by my side all of the way. For me this is a good as it gets!

With all of this exciting energy in me I didn't want to sit still. Dean and I then went on to hike to the Delicate Arch. A lovely 3 mile trip for our two tired bodies. But again well worth it - as this was a first for Dean! Life is good!

Exercise - Will I Ever Appreciate It?

2010-03-14T14:32:00.001-06:00

In December 2007, I was standing at the starting line of the Death Valley 1/2 marathon (my third 1/2 marathon). As my dear friend and I were shivering in the cold morning air of the desert, I overheard a waiting runner state with enthusiasm "I love exercise!" I then turned to my friend and said; "You know, I really, really want to love exercise but I don't. I guess I just don't have an appreciation for exercise at any level." I started that 1/2 marathon and it turned out to be my worst event so far. My friend was so patient with me as I struggled through the course getting more and more ill with every step. I finished the race 3 hours and 20 minutes later. It was the longest race of my exercise history. To this day I am still grateful I had my friend with me supporting me every step of the way.

Now, as I sit looking at my list of 39 things to complete during this year, I have a couple of items on the list that require me to be physically active in some way. In fact I have been working on item number 15 - "Taking 5 minutes off of my best 1/2 marathon time." I guess in some way, I really am trying to find a way to love and appreciate exercise. I know that exercise is so vital for the human body and spirit. I also know that because of my genetic make-up, that without exercise my body would wallow in weight gain. But for me, it is a personal struggle every time I put on my walking/running shoes to want to exercise. Once I am out the door, I always have a desire to finish what I start. My husband and my dog are my biggest cheerleaders pushing or pulling me (as the case may be) out the door and down the street in an effort to help me "love" exercise.

On Saturday, March 20, 2010 I will attempt my 10th half marathon. This time in Moab, Utah. Based on my up and down training schedule - I am just hoping to finish this race in a decent time. The last Moab 1/2 that I participated in, I completed the course in 2 hours and 47 minutes. My best 1/2 marathon time was in Salt Lake (2008) at 2 hours and 40 minutes. So in order for me to take 5 minutes off of my personal best time would mean that I need to complete a 1/2 marathon course in 2 hours and 35 minutes. But this training schedule has presented new challenges for me. I have had terrible shin splints, extreme blisters and no matter what I do I don't seem to have the endurance to run/jog just 30 seconds faster with each mile.

I have found a way to stop the blisters, I have new Superfeet insoles for my shoes and my husband and my dog wait ever so patiently as I trudge behind them running down the streets of my city in an effort to finish what I have started. I may never truly appreciate exercise - but I will keep doing it. I will keep doing it to have time with my husband. I will keep doing it in the hope that somehow I will be able to stay more active as I get older. I will keep exercising to keep up with my children and I will keep exercising for me to be the best that I can be for myself and my family.