An Impractical Automobilist

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2011-09-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

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Bayerische Wemakeredundant Moterenwerke

2011-09-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

I've begun, check that, have for some time, taken issue with the creative direction of a widely respected (and one of my favorite (yes, I just admitted a bias... this is a blog, not a factual, fact stricken, facty news reporting organization)) automaker. In the past I have praised vehemently the strategic direction of the big wigs at BMW with regards to their environmental initiatives, i.e. clean diesel, hydrogen, etc. But I believe a bit of sanity has been lost when looking to the current model line-up. It seems to me BMW has a talent for making cars in what I like to call, "half classes."

Allow me to explain, most automakers like to build a single model for a single model class, for example Ford makes the Fiesta for the compact-hatch class, Taurus for the large sedan class, F-150 for the 1/2 ton truck class, etc. This basic theory allows brands to compete with each other for one particular type of consumer, instead of competing with itself for that same consumer. The men with expensive MBA's in pinstripes and windsor knots over at BMW have decided that they want to make cars that compete with their own cars. Let me say that again, because I know for most individuals of a relatively sane mind, you may have had a mini-stroke whilst reading that sentence... they make a product, that competes DIRECTLY with another one of their own products.

BMW's model line stacks up like this 1 (series), 3, 5, 6, 7, Z, X, and M. When you take a step back and look at it from a distance of at least 6 to 7 feet, this looks like a very solid line up - we have all the staples, subcompact, compact, midsize, playboy coupe, boat, sporty coupe/convertible, (wannabe) SUV, and chuck norris.

However, all is not dandy for the Müllers's. Let me begin my grand inspection with the 1-series vs 3-series love affair. For anyone who doesn't share my insanely useless knowledge of the automobilic landscape, I guarantee that if you saw a glimpse of a 1 and a 3 sitting next to each other, there is a 98.7% chance you would wonder why in the hell that man has two of the same cars in different colors. Issue #1: THEY ARE THE SAME SIZE. Well, not exactly, but close enough that if this were the 90's, Oprah wouldn't be able to fit in either, but then she would, but then she wouldn't again.

My next conundrum is the amount of monetary compensation you will have to throw at BMW for each of them... Issue #2: THEY ARE THE SAME PRICE. A 135i will start at $39,050 while a 335i Coupe will run you $44,100 (a 328i coupe is $37, 650... yes, cheaper than its smaller counterpart with a MARGINALLY smaller engine.) For most Americans, $5,000 is a bargain for a few more inches that will allow your gut to sit comfortably on your thighs instead of on the steering wheel.

I ask the question, Why does BMW even have the 1-series if it is just a minutely smaller version of the 3-series? I think it's just plain poor business sense... I know the 1-series is a great car, because BMW makes great cars, but what's the point when the 3-series is an icon? If you want to make a great small sports car, do that, make it SMALL.

Here's the part where you think I'm done... but oh are you completely mistaken. I could honestly turn this post into a thesis paper, but I hope most of you have actual productive sh** to do, so I will do my best to keep the following points relatively brief.

Behind door number two sit the X3 and X5... the "Sports Activity Vehicles." These two SAV's suffer from the EXACT same disease as the 1 and 3-series. They are just simply too close in size and price. The X3 is a medium-sized expensive SUV (I think it was trying to "compete" with the likes of a Rav-4 or CR-V.... come on, just stop it.) while the X5 is a medium-large sized expensive SUV... I just fail to see the point of having both - CAN I GET A LITTLE VARIETY?! If I'm looking to buy an SUV I might look at both the X3 and X5 and realize they are they same thing. Why don't you leave the X5, call it the X3 and create an SUV with its own gravitational pull and call it the X5, then we have a little distinction.

Behind the final door number three is the androgynous 5-series GT. Honestly... the only words I can think of to describe this automotive abomination is Hunchback of Notre Dame, I plan on showing a photo, but only after the following disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: Upon viewing the aforementioned, and soon following photo of the BMW 5-series GranTurismo you release "An Impractical Automobilist," Blogger, and it's parent company from all liabilities regarding any physical or emotional damage that may be incurred from visual acceptance of the following image. "The Impractical Automobilist" is a trained professional and has had extensive experience in dealing with related situations and cannot predict how you might react. Proceed with caution.

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EDIT - Notice: We regret to inform the readers of "An Impractical Automobilist" that the author has been hospitalized due to a case of Post-Traumatic Stress. We wish him a speedy recovery.

-Blogger, a Google Company.

Guilty Pleasure - Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor

2011-08-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Allow me to grasp, for a second, your imagination. In your mind's eye, picture yourself in the drivers seat of your own car, the sun sinks just below the horizon as the blanket of night begins to engulf all that surrounds you. The lights and neon of the city hums to life, and the street comes alive with abundant vitality. You are hurrying home, hungry, tired, just waiting to find that second wind that will carry you through the fatigue of the day and into the unrevealed excitement of the night. Then it hits you, you are jolted from your daydream just as you blow through a red light. Sure enough, in your rear view mirror you see the disparaging sneer of a Ford Crown Victoria right on your tail... however there are no flashing lights this time, just a cab. That was close.

Arguably the most feared car in America, the Crown Victoria is not only a symbol of the ever imposing man but also, in my mind, the last REAL American muscle car. It's a harken back to a time cars were the size of small moons, engines had horsepower equivalent to at least quadruple the IQ of the average driver, suspensions were made from discarded carnival prizes, a steering wheel was a suggestion, and a nights entertainment came from a mysterious machine called a "Wurlitzer" at a place referred to as the "Roller Palace." The Crown Vic embraces every single one of these uniquely American pastimes, not to mention it has perpetually been chosen to be the workhorse that protects our cities and towns, our politicians, and even gets us home safely after a night on the town. It regularly beasts past 300,000 hard miles while simultaneously keeping the Porsche driving joyriders in check on our beloved interstates.

The most recent generation of the Crown Vic Interceptor boasts a 4.6L V8 mated to none other than a 4 speed automatic tranny, because you wouldn't want any more than 4. It reaches over 17 feet long, and is nearly 7 feet across. Bathe it in jet black, black steel wheels, and a grill guarde, you have the ability to drive as fast as you want, through anyone's yard you want, run as many lights as you want and all without raising a single suspicion from anyone. Once inside, you will be adorned with only the most lavish of accompaniments... a bench in the front, more leg room in the back than all the bleachers in Yankee Stadium combined, an AM/FM radio (WITH tape deck), and power windows (STANDARD!) Did I also mention the seats are a wonderful selection of urine and vomit resistant grey vinyl?!

Take all the brilliance into consideration and we have met every stipulation of the last great American muscle car. No frills, just a 'roid raging rhino that will gladly steal your girlfriend and destroy your home with a smile cracked just under its Burt Reynolds mustache. Because in the end, what is a muscle car? It's a big engine with wheels attached, it goes fast in a straight line, its tough, and it doesn't take sh** from anyone. After the golden years of the muscle car in the 60's and 70's, they largely disappeared and were deemed inefficient and antiquated in a world of exponentially advancing technology. I am hard-pressed to find many examples of a true muscle car as we leave the early 70's, but since the Crown Vic emerged from the dark in 1992 it has been carrying the dimly lit torch hoping to one day again light a flame of excitement under the American auto industry.

Next year the Crown Vic celebrates its 20 year anniversary, and I say here's to many more years of unabashed, unsympathetic, unconcerned ass kicking.

IA, out.

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Cars That Don't Suck - Land Rover's Range Rover HSE

2011-08-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

To continue on with my soon to be industry leading "Cars That Don't Suck" feature, I have decided to tackle a major worldwide institution... marriage. (How is this going to relate to cars? Oh.. just you wait) As youths we are filled to the brim with an intoxicating mixture of promise, hopes, dreams, and goals for our future, where we become presidents, astronauts, firemen, and part-time venture capitalists/restaurateurs (OK, maybe I was a strange child). Those dreams evolve as we get older and more mature, but we are still filled with the excitement to face head on whatever new challenges life decides to throw at us. Inevitably, there comes a time in many a young lad's life where he meets a girl (or boy) and they fall in looooove and decide to embark on the sacred journey that is marriage. Here is the part where you are expecting me to destroy the institution of marriage, claiming that it shatters your hopes and dreams while simultaneously dooming you to a lifetime of miserable compromise, where 1 in 2 couples utterly fail, and eventually throw in the towel.

False.

I believe that marriage can be a beautiful and fulfilling bond that can make both parties incredibly strong individuals. However, there exists an element that has been grossly overlooked by so-called "experts" for far too long, and I am confident that it is the root cause of why 50% of marriages fail... it is the Minivan.

For too long couples have been fed the lies that with marriage and kids comes the need to throw away your hopes and dreams, and become boring, practical, individuals that drop the kids off, drive to work, have an asiago tostada at Panera for lunch, pick the kids up, drive home, and be greeted for the third time this week with a hearty meal from Stouffer's Brick Oven Classics Collection, I believe probably a Blackened Tuscan Chicken with Garden Vegetables, if I were to venture a guess.

There comes a time when the conversation arises as to which vehicle you will purchase for the family, and for whatever reason mainstream media has put it into our heads that we must be practical, responsible, and "adult" when making such a decision, so therefore, we MUST purchase the Minivan. Congratulations, you have just destroyed your hopes and dreams, as well as killed your marriage, in one fell swoop.

YOU NEED NOT FALL INTO THIS LIVING HELL, MY FRIENDS! There are many alternatives to the emasculating minivan. According to US News & World Report rankings of the top Minivans (I wanted to use Consumer Reports, but there still aren't enough people clicking on ads so I can't afford the membership), the venerable Honda Odyssey is lord of the lackluster, king of the characterless, and monarch of the monotonous.

I did a little search for new Odyssey's on my goto www.cars.com. The average price in my area, brace yourself for this one (no really, sit the f*** down), was right around $40,000. No, you didn't just have a stroke, that says forty thousand dollars. I can think of cheaper ways to destroy a marriage or your dreams... (crack would be one of them)

Have no fear, because I can save you from destruction - because for around the same price you can have a TOP OF THE LINE (over $100,000 new) Land Rover Range Rover HSE.

This black beauty is a MINT condition 2008 Range Rover HSE with a measly 27,042 miles on it and a list price of $42,998. Keep in mind that this truck was OVER $100,000 when it was new off the lot. Now I know what some of you are thinking, its older, its got nearly 30,000 miles on it and its a Range Rover, so its going to cost a fortune to fix. I respect a healthy questioning of the media, so I address your concerns with a few questions... what price do you put on your livelihood? on your marriage? or on your goals? Because when you drive a Range Rover you are the master of your destiny, the admiral of your own battleship, and never will you have to worry about either your marriage or your existence ending up being that of, in the words of the great Louis CK, "a non-contributing ZERO."

The moral of this story is, if you want your marriage to survive, buy a Range Rover, if you don't, do some crack... or buy a Minivan.

IA, out.

Stephen Colbert in defense of all Petroleum Americans. A true hero.

2011-07-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm having some trouble here... I like Nissan as a company, I really do. They make some incredible products, like the baffling GTR that can blend a Porsche 911 Turbo into baby mush while lapping the Nurburgring (I apologize for not knowing how to do the cool German U) AND costs about half the price. The problem is Nissan has gone all-in to the EV market with the release of its newest model, the Leaf. Now, we know I have problems with electric cars. I don't think they are a true answer to the oil crisis. The infrastructure our country has in place, our driving habits, and our American stubbornness to change are all going in direct competition with what the EV culture is trying to force into the mainstream. In America, we are used to being able to drive 300 miles, stop for 5 minutes, and drive another 300 miles. Not to mention, our communities are built around the automobile, most of suburban America has to drive at least 15 minutes one-way JUST to get groceries. Electric vehicles aren't set up this way, you can drive LESS and then you have to wait 6 hours until you can drive again. Experts have even come up with a term, "Range Anxiety," that refers to the doubt and uneasiness that occurs when you have 5 miles to get home, but your EV's range meter says it will die in 3. WILL YOU MAKE IT HOME?!?!?!! prolly not.

Now in an attempt to build a camaraderie around Leaf owners, Nissan is calling for it's owners across the country to vote on a wave... yep a wave. As in a secret hand gesture that one Leaf driver can display to another Leaf driver who's battery has inevitably just gone dead on the side of the road. "Sorry! I can't stop to help, I'm nearly out of juice!"

Stephen Colbert reports...

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Guilty Pleasure - Chevy Tahoe

2011-07-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start up another feature which I will be calling my Guilty Pleasures. The automobiles featured here will most certainly not be the fastest, the highest quality, the most fuel efficient, or really have any special defining physical characteristic that sets them apart from anything else, but they have that little extra something you can't really put your finger on. I'm talking about a special personality, something that appeals to that dark geeky side of you that you wouldn't dare show off to anyone... ever. These are the cars you waste hours searching the internet for, thinking "I would loooove to have that." but then that sane part of your brain comes out and smashes your geeky little dreams. (Yes. I spend hours looking at cars for no apparent reason. And with absolutely no funds to purchase them with. Judge me accordingly.)

My first Guilty Pleasure is the beautiful, gaudy, wonderful, cheesy, obnoxiously stereotyped Chevy Tahoe. In 2007 GM did something they rarely do, made something that looks downright frickin awesome, in an evil henchman sort of way. (Let me get something out of the way, we are NOT mentioning the GMC Yukon because while it is the same truck underneath, it is horrendous to look at.)

Looking at the Tahoe, it's perfect. A mean grill, big chrome 5 spoke wheels, chrome accents in all the right places, and it can only be one color, black. When you see a Tahoe driving down the road, you think one of two things; there goes a poor suburban housewife who's husband couldn't afford more aptly named Suburban, or holy sh** I'm being hunted by Jack Bauer.

The latter feeling is the main reason I absolutely love the Tahoe, because if I owned one, I would be Jack Bauer. Driving around in the Tahoe I would secrete badass, smell of the bioweapon I just defused, and be adorned with the blood of terrorists I have killed in the name of America. I've also developed the ability to go 24 hours with out food, sleep, or bathroom privileges. (Because inevitably I would be caught in a web of international intrigue where it was unclear if my reckless actions and negligence for property or human life were actually in the service of our great country, regardless of my long and decorated secret career of saving the world and America and string of president's I am on a first name basis with.)

The Tahoe then, is truly an awesome truck. It's ridiculously expensive, not very well appointed, and sitting inside you could be in any one of six GM "trucks." The perks of owning one are less obvious, not only can you be Jack Bauer, but when driving around most people think you are either FBI or Secret Service, so you will never have to deal with traffic. In addition, if you are pulling up to a house (or abandoned warehouse holding a secret plutonium enrichment lab in the Port of Los Angeles) any criminals around will scamper away in fear, so you will always be safe from danger.

No more traffic and never having to worry about danger again, seems like a no brainer to me, regardless of the price and the fact the interior is a sumptuous blend of vinyl and plastics. Unfortunately, as you are on your way home from CTU having been held for 13 hours in a detention cell (interrogated using techniques "not condoned by the United States Government" for 4 of those hours), spent another 5 hours following a trail of dead bodies to hunt down the leader of a terrorist cell, only to find out SHE (I know, didn't see that coming either) has rigged 4 dirty bombs to go off in the next 6 hours which are hidden in random parts of the city. Then, getting in no less than 7 high stress car chases, and spending the last 6 hours searching for, and disarming those 4 dirty bombs, you come to an exhausted realization... with badass trucks comes badass responsibility, and the Tahoe just really isn't worth all of that stress.

Agent IA, CTU, signing off.

photo courtesy: www.chevrolet-excellent.com

Satan's Chariot

2011-07-25T01:23:00.000-07:00

Fear has gripped us as a nation, fear has overwhelmed our senses and has ultimately driven us to make idiotic decisions. We were fearful after the housing bubble burst because we feared our homes would be worth nothing, we were fearful after the economy went into a nose dive because some bankers on Wall Street decided to make a ton of money off stinky mortgage backed securities, and we are fearful now. We are fearful of our depleting oil reserves, fearful of killing our planet, and terrified as to what to do next... so we make idiotic decisions and refuse to think thoughtful, independent thought. The fear driven idiotic decisions I am referring to, of course, are the ever growing number of people who spend their hard earned money on the Toyota Prius.

As a student of business with a special place in my heart for the art of marketing, I have nothing but praise for the geniuses behind the subsequent stellar success of the Prius, for they have effectively branded and sold a complete lie. This lie is perpetrated by those ecovirogranolaists (and housewives) who refuse to, as I believe I put it before, think thoughtful, independent thought. In fact, I believe they will pretty much accept anything thrown at them as truth. (I see a necessary study into percentage of Scientologists that drive Priuses)

For those of you who are completely lost (and probably angry) as to why I am defiling the house of Prius, I am referring of course to the gross misconception most people have about the car itself. While it certainly gets great gas mileage (around 50mpg hwy) I find problems as I look across the entire supply chain. For those of you who didn't go to business school, the supply chain refers to the entire process of sourcing materials through the manufacturing process which all leads up to a finished product. There are some misleading elements to the Prius and its super green persona, if you are actually concerned with the earth and her well being, I imagine you are familiar with the term "carbon footprint," or basically the total amount of carbon dioxide (BAD STUFF) emitted into the atmosphere due to consumption of fossil fuels. While people are fawning over MPG, (yes, still an important element) the bigger task at hand is to reduce our carbon footprint as individuals.

Here is where the Prius fails. The supply chain is stupid long, and grossly ineffective. It comes down to the fact that the overall carbon footprint of a Toyota Prius is no better (and some argue, catastrophically worse) than a Hummer. And that in order to make owning a Prius worth while in terms of gas consumption, you must drive it nearly 300,000 miles! Not to mention what happens to batteries when they eventually die... some part of them will go into a landfill and leak acid into our beloved mother earth.

I bring our focus back to the brilliant marketers over at Toyota, they have taken a technology, and one that is essentially a band-aid until we come up with a better solution, and positioned it in a way that the Prius has become a status symbol. Yes, in the same way owning a Ferrari or Lamborghini screams "I AM RICH, NOTICE ME!!" The Prius sneers "I am far more responsible and in touch with our planet than you are in your M3. Psh." But the reality is essentially the opposite, and now you are feeling a little bit salty. (my bad.)

So, you ask, "WHAT EVER SHALL I DOOOO?! I just want to do my part to help out the environment!" Fair enough. What few people know is that a silent juggernaut exits, one that has won countless awards and is currently in it's SIXTH year of being named "Most Sustainable Car Maker" according to the Dow Jones Sustainability Indexes, that car maker is.... drumroll... The BMW Group.

With one of the most forward thinking corporate sustainability initiatives that include hydrogen and clean diesel, BMW is constantly seeking innovations that go beyond oil and beyond the "band-aid." And honestly, if you have ever been in a few BMWs from different model years, they all essentially look the same on the inside, with minor tweaks and adjustments. They've been perfecting the model for a long time, and have been immensely successful.

So, it comes down to this, if fear has driven you into buying a Prius, it's ok all is not lost. Just sell it to the pandering masses and buy that M3 you always sneered at, but secretly wanted reallllll bad.

IA, out.

Depth of Speed

2011-07-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

I turn your attention to a web series I've just come across that has gotten nearly everything absolutely correct. Depth of Speed is one of the most compelling and interesting takes on automotive journalism that I have ever seen. It is a breath of fresh air in a world of horrendous programming ala HD Theater's Motor Week (That man's voice... it makes me want to punch babies.) Granted, with Top Gear blazing the path with their massive BBC budget to travel to exotic locales and propensity to explode anything with a price tag under seven figures, we are seeing some absolutely stunning entertainment.

Depth of Speed is a different take, it focuses on mesmerizing personal stories of those people, like Andy the Pinstriper and the Salt Flats Speed Shop, who's heart and soul are directly linked with their machines, be it motorcycle or car. Each 5-8 minute video contains beautiful cinematography, an equally as gorgeous mixture of classical and indie soundtracks, and a slight hipstamatic vibe that brings the whole production together. I dare you to watch only one.

It personifies everything I believe about the automotive world, cars and bikes, like pets, become a larger part of our life than many people give them credit for. They are not just machines to get us around, they create their own personality, they have a soul, and they become a part of our family. Props to Depth of Speed for capturing these feelings with a nuanced perfection.

HBTV: Depth of Speed - The Bond from HBTV on Vimeo.

HBTV: Depth of Speed - Andy the Pinstriper from HBTV on Vimeo.

Check out www.depthofspeed.com for more.

Twittering!!! @TheAutoist

2011-07-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

Check out @TheAutoist on Twitter. Because if I'm blogging, I suppose I'll twitter it too.

IA

Cars That Don't Suck - BMW 5-Series

2011-07-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

I was watching the latest episode of my favorite (favourite, because I'm culturally sensitive) show, Top Gear UK, and I was inspired. I've never understood why it is people buy brand new cars. Everyone is familiar with the old adage "Your new car loses value the second you drive it off the lot." The thing is, this is very true. According to some very interesting statistics I've spent little to no time investigating, your car can depreciate up to 18% IMMEDIATELY! With that, I've decided to start up a recurring feature - "Cars That Don't Suck." In this feature I will pick a popular crappy excuse for a new car, and contrast it with some awesomeness that you can get on the secondhand market for the same price. You never expected it did you? Sound consumer advice. Absolutely.

To begin with I've selected one of the two horrors I mentioned in my last post... the Toyota Camry. I've done a simple search on Cars.com for brand new Camry's in my area and I've nearly had to shut this blog down before I even started due to a near fit of cardiac arrest. Prices for the middle of the line Camry SE are between $25,000 and $34,000 (holy f***) depending on options.

What I've done is select a car that doesn't suck but is comparable in size and purpose so people can't get on my case about stupid things like "well a Camry has a trunk... that Testarossa doesn't" In my mind, potato, potahto, but I am trying to do a service here.

I've chosen the legendary BMW 5-Series as my contender. A beautifully executed executive saloon that can literally run circles around a Camry while the driver luxuriates in premium leather, woodgrain, and a slew of amenities Toyota owners never even knew existed. To show that this isn't even a hard choice, I've picked a model from Cars.com right that is right in the middle of our price range....

This is a beautiful 2008 BMW 535i with 32,584 miles on it. IT LOOKS BRAND NEW!! I know what all you Camryists are thinking, "it's not brand new! its 3 years old!" but from a mechanical standpoint 32, 584 miles on a BMW engine can be considered just warming up. (And to be totally honest, I don't really care what you guys think, you lot are a lost cause.) In addition, you get the Premium Package, Sport Package, AND Cold Weather Package. This all includes a Navigation system, heated front seats, adaptive Xenon headlights, power rear sunshade, 18in alloys, SEATS THAT MEMORIZE WHERE U BEEN SITTING AND CHANGE FOR THE DRIVER!

To be honest the list goes on and on and on and on. The price for this wonderful piece of automotive wonderfulness? $27,998. The best part is, you can drive this car for a few years and not loose anywhere near as much as you would on a new car. Oh and keep in mind this was on the lower end of the price range! If you were so adventurous you could have a top of the line, $95,000 M5 for around this price. Yea it will be a little older and have a few more miles and you might spend a little more money, but hey, you will own an M5 (one of the greatest 4 door saloons ever made.)

So here's the advice, if you are looking at a Camry, stop. Save some money, and buy a BMW. You'll move from sucking at life to basking in the knowledge that you have taken life by the throat, and made it your bitch.

IA, out.

photo courtesy: www.donohooauto.com

The End of the Universe

2011-07-16T04:04:00.000-07:00

I have, against my better judgement, decided to join this mystical universe referred to by insiders as the "blogosphere." Why have I decided to begin my endeavor at 5am? I guess one could say it is the final segment of what has become a trio of very exciting, but when related to sleep, unfortunate events. It all started with a dastardly mini bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream that had been staring at me from the top shelf of my refrigerator for the past month. I decided that tonight would be the night I pull it from the fridge, and mix it up with crappy coffee I bought from Target. Enter number one of three. This of course happened at around 11pm, and being the night owl I am, it seemed early enough to be a logical time for coffee. The caffeine kicks in and voila, I have another brilliant idea to jailbreak my iPad in order to make it more fun. I inevitably play on my iPad for the next three and a half hours. And we have number two. This brings us to the finale of the trio, I finally decide to put down my super cool toy and try and get some shut eye. It seems that at exactly the same moment my eyes shut, a Howitzer goes off in my front yard. This, of course, is not a real Howitzer, but a very close lightening strike that brings along with it a booming crack of thunder. And there goes any hope of sleep.

My caffeinated mind begins to race, and it comes to me, I SHALL START A BLOG! And honestly, I don't know why I haven't done it earlier, it makes perfect sense with my personality... as I hope some of you will agree with as the days pass. I move on to ponder "what should I write on?" That's easy, cars. I have had a lifelong obsession with the glorious machines and with that passion comes an inherent hatred and dissatisfaction with current the direction of the industry, with a few caveats of course, but I will get to those later. I imagine I could have started another useless blog on Politics judging by the even worse direction being staked out by our leaders. Not to mention I could have much to say about the esteemed (no, that's not correct. I'm gonna go with psycho instead) congresswoman from my home state of Minnesota, Michelle Bachmann. But that would be quite useless as I am very positive she is a social experiment put on by some very smart men in lab coats and bi-focals attempting to test the upper limits of stupidity in the mind of the American voter. Because let's be honest, no sane person would ACTUALLY believe the words coming out of her mouth, right?? Ha! You got us! Way to go man in the white lab coat, but really, let's just stop now, some people are beginning to think she is real.

Anyways, I digress. I've been a passionate lover of cars for my entire life, so I'm gonna write some stuff about them, maybe people will find it interesting, and I can be next in line for a presenters job on Top Gear UK (I can work on my accent). As this is my inaugural post, I will attempt to keep it shortish.

Some friends and I have recently realized a tragic fact plaguing the population at large, NONE of you have taste in cars. It seems as though we have lost all imagination as automobile consumers. It's not that awesome cars don't exist today, we have just lost the heart and soul as consumers, of the bygone eras. We are the only country in the whole world that has been developed around the automobile and it has been solidified as a primary part of our lifestyle. Who else in the world would dare live in a country dotted with developments that are hours from the nearest grocery store and still lack a solid means public transport?! We are car people! Sadly, as a nation we've lost sight of our roots.

To give you an idea, those same friends and I had come up with what we believe to be the greatest superpower ever to be thought up by man. It is the power to violently explode any horrible cars that are on the road today, with a snap of our fingers. And, of course, the compliment ability to bestow "healing powers" upon those few bygone or not quite classics eating up asphalt with abundant zeal. What started as a wonderful game became a horrendous chore, we began to realize that we were blowing up (theoretically of course) 99% of the cars on the road. This list includes, but is not limited to Saturn's, PT Cruiser's, the color Gold, the color Plum, Hummer H3's, Two-tone paint jobs, Three-tone paint jobs, Malibu Maxx's, and then there is the bane of my existence, Toyota's pair of heathen devil worshipers, the Camry and Prius.

To make it even worse, 87% of what populates the streets of my fair city are Camry's and Prii. The majority of which are gold or sea foam. If you are reading this and you have spent YOUR hard earned money on one of these horrible, horrible things, (I refuse defile the name "automobile" with their inclusion) you have officially given up on life. Don't come at me with the "Oh but it's practical" or "it get's great gas mileage" arguments, there are plenty of less horrendous practical cars that get good gas mileage. FYI I will be saving my rant on Prii for another post, as it is much too lengthy.

The fact of the matter is, there is a huge proportion of people who are lost and confused. They are spending their money on awful disgraces to the the name "car" but they don't have anywhere to turn. I don't deny there are MANY great cars being made today, which I will absolutely be getting into in the future, but there are too many people wasting their lives with the bad ones.

In the eyes of Lewis Black, the end of the universe occurred when he walked out of a Starbucks and across the street, right in front of his eyes, was another Starbucks. I say fair enough, I might be flustered and confused at that experience, but I came upon something much worse, an experience that shook the very fabric of my soul. I saw the real end of the universe, and it was three identical sea foam colored Priuses, all parked in a row.