An Independent Journey

Ugly Day

2011-03-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

Dealing with pain problems, seems to be from potatoes -- that makes two kinds down, baked and now fried ones.
Working on Apple dishcloth from Kris Knits Fruit Cloths.

Need some electrolyte drink, I think -- not usually a weepy person.

Ennui!

2010-12-18T02:21:00.000-08:00

I seem to be suffering a severe case of ennui. All I have accomplished today is playing 2 of the VV games (I&II), rolled 2 skeins of sock yarn into center pull balls of yarn along with the brown cotton one I had been using to make a dishcloth.

Sorry to say, I had to frog it since the pineapple was lopsided on it.

And I checked my email.

Can't work the enthusiasm to knit on my current project or even start a new one.

I think it's due to the weather, as the rain has made my arthritis flare up.

ATHIEST

2010-12-16T20:13:00.000-08:00

This decision has been years in the making, from the time I was a small child, being tortured by a screaming psychotic of a mother and sexually molested by a pedophile adoptive father. And yesterday, when Kathy told me that they hadn't found enough of Anyssia's body to bury, well that did it!

If there was a god, you would think he would at least watch over and protect children, if no one else! And since it isn't being done,I have to conclude THERE IS NO GOD!

Which is liberating in a great sense, which frees me from having to celebrate Christmas, which I have hated most of my life, since most of the horrors that happened to me, happened around that time. And I can feel free to ignore any other So-called Christian holidays. No saints days (Valentines, Patrick's); Easter, or Halloween. Now I know the latter is pagan, but without a God; there are no spirits floating around either. When you are dead that is the end.

And greatly liberating in the sense, I don't have to worry about the ass-wipe parents being where
i would meet them again. And I am free of the Honor thy mother and father shit (Mother's and Father's Day), especially since they did nothing they should be honored for! I usually used those days for celebrating the fact they were dead, anyway

I like New Years, mentally, it feels like a new start, a clean slate! And I can celebrate season's changing, the 4th of July as I believe in the good old US of A, and Memorial Day,Labor Day, and Veteran's Day.

In keeping with that I frogged the Rudolph cloth using the brown for a pineapple cloth that is in the Fruit booklet , and will probably use the other bit for the pie cloth in the Dessert Booklet. Put 15 lines on the pineapple so far.

Tragedy for old Friends

2010-05-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

The older I get, the less I understand the world today. Our friends daughter was murdered, because her boyfriend didn't want to be a father! So his answer to it all is to kill a sweet 17 year old and her 3 month fetus and dump them in the trash!

January 2010 Report

2010-01-23T23:36:00.000-08:00

This year has not started off well at all. Kathy got bronchitis and some sort of a cold which Nick caught of course!

The news with Nick is not good -- he has progressed to stage one leukemia now and as soon as his cold is gone has to go on his first round of cancer drugs.

Nothing going on my end as everything awaits my echocardiogram in February, and cardiologist appointment in March.

Went to Redlands Wal-Mart and got about a half dozen balls of cotton yarn. Got drenched coming out -- CA version of winter! Just for one's education, there is no umbrella large enough to cover a wheelchair!

Two knitting projects going at present -- a monogramed dishcloth in Peaches and Creme color Licorice for Nick and a "Love" cloth from KrisKnits Valentine collection. Not quite finished the whole collection, I have the "Lips", "Be Mine", "Heart Necklace" still to do.

On my mind is the fact I need to get a priority mailing box and pack up all the acrylic yarn to send to the Cheyenne River Reservation. The Senior Center there can use it.

Funny thing is, there is a reservation right above us -- the San Manuels lack for nothing! The difference can be explained in one --Casino! The casino makes so much money, the Governator started taxing them!

Well, back to the needles for me.

On My Feet -----Mentally

2009-12-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

If not physically! Still bedbound since needed spinal surgery has been sidelined by a newly discovered heart ailment.

Not that I am lazy --I enter sweepstakes, knit dishcloths, play all Last Day of Work's Virtual Villager (tm)games,take care of my service dog and atend to my personal needs.

My current dishcloth is from Kristen Patays' Christmas I collection. She is a very talented designer and I also like her blog "Kristen Knits".

I am able to blog from bed due to having an on-screen keyboard. That, along with Online Sweestakes (c) and Roboform(tm) keeps me winning small items now and then.

Most recent win was a Jackie Mason dvd.

I got over my depression finally around Thanksgiving when I went to write in my personal journal and filled over 3 pages of it!

So I will try nd blog more often.

Long Time No Write

2009-03-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated my blog since I fell and shattered my kneecap and broke the two bones in my left leg. Now the bones have healed and I am still not able to walk. Been a bit depressed since my world view is from a wheelchair.

I badly need to get a digital camera so I can add the finished products of my busy work -- mainly crocheting outfits for my Berenguer dolls to this blog.

I have continued entering sweepstakes also, my latest win having been a pre-publication copy of American Rust, a murder mystery.

We finally got moved into a downstairs apartment with a ramp outside the door for my wheel chair --no more crawling up and down the staircase and ruining my husband and daughter's backs lugging a heavy wheelchair up and down the stairs.

Doll Dress

2008-10-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since I am stuck in bed, I have Been designing a doll dress which I will post for free on the internet. This one gives people more of a choice for dressing the Berenguer Baby Steps doll(tm). Not to say I didn't learn from the other dress -- I learned exactly what not to do!

First off, baby yarn is too heavy for dressing those dolls. Fingering yarn is the way to go. And when you design a dress for a doll -- take into consideration, the age group is supposed to be, in this case, a toddler -- not a matron in a sausage dress.

My dress is a delicate shell stitch white dress, edged in baby green, it stands out from the dolls waist and stops short of their little chubby baby knees.

Crazy Behavior

2008-10-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

Nick mind must be going! First off, I took a bad fall down the apartment steps and pulled the muscles in my left leg badly. He didn't want to waste the money to take me to the doctor! Kathy took me and paid for it. Then after Kathy left, he takes the brace off my leg ahd heaves it into his closet saying I didn't need it.

But the worst was yet to come -- he decided that my pain meds would stay on his schedule, not as needed. I went into shock yesterday evening, clammy, cold chills the whole bit, so I yelled at him until he gave me my pain pills.

I am trying to stick this marriage out but this is destroying my health!

What to do. I don't which way to go. Could someone give me some advice?

CATCHING UP

2008-10-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

Not a lot to report, been making doll clothes for my Cabbage Patch kid, and my itsy bitsy dolls.

Got a new nickname for dear hubby. He is the "Bad News Bearer" who brings me my coffee and medication in bed, along with a dose of how the nation is going to hell in a handbasket. Personally, I could care less what the headlines are as long as I am not running naked, without a roof over my head, starving to death. All the rest is incidental!!!

And calling me the Queen of Procrastinators is not getting on my good side either. I don't procrastinate -- I merely will not do a thing if I am in pain and whatever needs doing will cause me more pain and is not a critical task!

I have to fill out my voter registration card so I can vote in this presidential election. And don't ask --I have been a life long Democrat! One Mamma for Obama.

Later, Tater

Who To Trust

2008-08-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I told Nick once again I wanted a divorce. And he said NO. The he added it won't do me any good to run away again, because my children are out here and they like him and will tell him where I am.

Well, I hope that's not true, because I am going to be running shortly. I can't take this being prisioner any more. Nick chased away friends, and family and if I try to get friendly with anyone-- I get third degreed about what I talk about,etc.

The Last Straw

2008-04-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

What is the last straw for one? In my case, it is when someone goes through your underwear drawer because he wanted to know what you were looking at in your drawer! (For your information, a missing blue sock) which is precisely none of his business! At any rate, I will be leaving here next week -- will keep you updated on further developments as they happen!

It's Deja Vu all Over again.

2008-04-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

He's at it again, first it was going everywhere with me, now it's the regimen again -- telling me when to get up, etc.

I can only see one way out of this and that is to take Walen for a walk and never return, leave here with just the clothes on my back. I will do that whenever my tax return comes or at the latest, my 60th birthday --- I refuse to live anymore time being bossed around, or being told I am too old, etc!

Repeat of Yesterday

2008-04-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

Once again, Nick is trying to drive me crazy with his "I don't remember saying that." When we got the phone installed he told me I wasn't to give my son the number, which is why I got a cell phone, so I could give my number to whoever I please!

So yesterday, when I got a text message from James, he started yelling at me about having given that number out! I told him off at that point and he claims he never said James couldn't have the phone number and to go ahead and give him our home phone.

And why would I do that? I can't hear on his 99 cent store cheapy phone anyway, my cell phone has the earphone and mike and I can talk and hear on it!!!!

See why I hate him?

He's At It Again

2008-04-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

I swear Nick just cannot refrain from trying to cause trouble!! He just informed me that Kathy told him to tell me that she will gladly provide a home for Marcy, but I am not to expect her to provide a home for me!

And I didn't expect her too -- I already have my plans made for when he passes away and they don't include living with either of my children!

And if the truth be known, I would rather have lived in a tent in the park than have imposed on my son!! That was totally Nicks idea -- he can't take a little hardship!

James, that phone number is for you to call me if you need to talk or anything else you might need.

I got my doll patterns but can't do anything till I hit Wal-Mart and get some baby yarn of the right thinness.

One thing I hate living with Nick is his inability to let me out of the house without his inviting himself along. I would like to walk around Big Lots without being hurried!

Tell the girls Grandma says I love you and I miss seeing them.

Take Note of a Phone Number Just for Me

2008-04-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Been a busy day -- got my haircut and as they say "Once a Marine, always a Marine" and I have a boot camp haircut to prove it!!!!

My personal cell phone is up and running 909-648-4608.

I ordered several patterns for the little dolls so I can make them some new clothes, my other pattern book had been destroyed by the rain.

Have some cookbooks on order to replace the ones destroyed by the rain.

Next time, I will concentrate on replacing the patterns for the My Child doll -- she takes the older Cabbage Patch ones and I know where to order those from.

Other than the above, there is no news to report.

Well, i have to set the computer down and eat my orange.

Easter Sunday

2008-03-23T14:01:00.001-07:00

I had wanted to go to Kathy's brunch-- but my stomach went on the fritz again! And I can't hear that well anymore, so I really am afraid of groups anymore. I wanted to go to see Thalia and Natalie, as I miss them a lot.

Yesterday, Kathy and her friends brought over furniture. Last night for the first time in a long time, I got a full nights sleep That bed is so nice!

I have some things to say, that I don't want anyone telling Nick at present.

I am planning to leave him soon, as this life is WV all over again. He always has to drag me where he is going, but if I want to go anywhere, I get the third degree or he has to go with me! And I am tired of being kept broke by his not being able to manage his money. I have 35 cents left, and yesterday he wanted to know if I had any change left. I lied and said no.

First, I need to get Walens service dog vest so he can go everywhere with me -- I refuse to part with him since I have lost all my other pets.

Then I need to get a cell phone of my own to have a private phone number he can't monitor.

And I need to get a private mail box for my pay and bank statements.

I must get from his files, my social security card, and the doctors certificate saying I need Walen.

And I can't find Walen's shot record so I need to get that so I can get his rabies tag.

I figure this will take me all of April, so I should be out of her before my 60th birthday. I am tired of his not being able to support my dreams. He laughs at my wanting to travel, telling me I am too old for that nonsense.

I will do as I promised and be with him so he won't die alone -- I just can't live with him anymore.

Life in a Van

2008-03-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

We just got hit with a fifty dollar rent raise effective in June -- one more raise like that and we will be doing what I want. I want to get a conversion van and live in it, travel a bit. Nick had better get with my program or get left.

Got my bank account set up and mailed my direct deposit form back today hopefully it will go into the CA bank next month and I can close the WV one out.

And I think I know how to keep Nick from raiding my money when he overspends his. When I do my budget envelopes I will add an extra twenty into each one of them, and when he asks if I have anything left, nope. What does he think I am -- the National Bank of Sandy? He gets one and a half times what I get and can't manage!

Been surprising to note theat Waylon is actually housebroken and can tell you when he wants to go out. he does a little exercise program, then comes to you and puts his feet on you. Out mamma, out.

He's been having a field day with the balcony which he now regards as his fenced in yard. He gallops up and down barking at miscreants (bicyclists, scooters, and running screeching children.) All of those are forbidden in our lease by the way.

I am going to have to get a voice recognition program I can barely type anymore with these arthritic fingers.

I want to get another Cat

2008-02-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

I am missing Pye dreadfully and really miss having a house cat -- if you know of anyone giving away a cat or kitten -- I would love to have one. Doesn''tt matter as to age or color but I would like a girl one if possible.

Now that sets like a lead balloon with you know who, but who cares?

He doesn't approve of moost of what I do anyway.

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda and Memories

2008-02-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

Nick is not speaking to me at present, which is a god send! Has something to do with me threating to throw him off the balcony onto his head.. it's been yadda, yadda, yadda this hurts, that hurts all day long. And then he said he wished I could help him get rid of the pain -- that is when I offered my solution.

For a fact, my skin has been hurting me all day long and I never opened my mouth about it.

Since there is so little going on around here -- I thought I would take someone elses advice and leave a few memories on the blog for you all.

This post will be about TV. I bet you didn't know that TV wasn't invented until the year I was born 1948.

My family didn't get a TV until I was 10 years old, but the babysitter we had when I was 8 had one and we got to watch it after school each day.

At that time, the stations only broadcast from 4 pm until midnight, and the first show on at 4 pm was the Mickey Mouse Club. I can remember being really ticked when some old bald guy took the time period up one week debating another old guy. I was only 8 and not interested in who was running for president then. The old bald guy was Dwight David Eisenhower and he would be elected that year.

When my family finally got a TV, it was an older one -- a big console and a little round porthole type screen. Black and white as color hadn't come out yet. Us kids didn't get to choose the programs, John did-- so we ended up watching westerns or war programs.

We had a console radio/record player in a cabinet -- that was our main form of entertainment as the radio programs were still doing the serials and soaps. Green Hornet, the Lone Ranger, Mystery Theater were the favorites with Steve and I.

Later I will talk about how we entertained ourselves out of doors.

TimesThat Try Ones Soul

2008-02-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Before I get into this entry, I want to make one thing clear, and that is the only reason I am staying with Nick is that I promised him I wouldn't let him die alone.

That being made clear, I want one to know that there are times he can really be cruel. And he says I am cruel.

Well, you would never hear me tell one things like he said to me when my cat was dying! Let's put her out by the trashcan and call animal control and tell them theres a sick cat dying there. How about I put him out by the trashcan when he's dying and call the coroner!

Pye was my friend and you don't abandon your friends when they are dying. She died here with me right by her side petting her and talking to her. And that is as it should be.

People like Nick are the reason I only trust animals. What he said just made my grief that much worse.

And it also firmed my resolve to open myself a savings account. It's too late for Pye but I will never be so broke again I can afford to have a suffering animal of mine to sleep!

And the reason I end up broke most of the time is because Nick can't seem to manage his money and is always asking me what I have left in my purse, or checking account.

The Quiet Life

2008-02-19T19:24:00.000-08:00

Been a quiet life here. Finally got my stomach under control. Nick was griping about how to make a grocery list when I have so many food allergies. As I told him, you don't go for the negative, you go positive. What can I eat without problems, when he did that he came up with a full page of grocerys.

I finished the baby dress, now to start on the diaper cover. Only thing I don't like about crocheted baby clothes is they look homemade. I am not so sure that anyone would want them, even a poor mother with no baby clothes.

Not much else happening here--repotted my plant, but need to crochet a hanger for the pot since the plant is a type of ivy.

Well all for now.

Curses, Curses, Curses

2008-02-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

I must be the most cursed female on earth! We didn't get anything done Saturday, as I was dooky blasting the apartment. Sunday, I was fine, we went and got the laundry done.

So we figured, good, today we will do the marketing. Bad move. I had no sooner got into the store, than I am doubled up with stomach pains. Between a less than bright clerk and the fact he neglected to mention we needed a quarter to use the bathroom, there was a major accident!

I dooky blasted the ladies room floor, toilet and my shorts. I washed out my shorts in the sink -- and put them back on, soaking wet so that I could at least get back to the apartment.

Turns out that the margarine Nick bought is made of soybeans -- and I am allergic to soy in any form.

The rest of the day has been uneventful, except that I am tired of eating white rice, which is all they recommend when one has these problems.

Except for one little hitch that is -- when I got back from the market all I wanted was a hot shower so I could clean up -- forgetting the water was off due to repairs on the lines.

Curses, foiled again. Finally got my shower mid-afternoon. I hope this trend doesn't continue or I am going to invest all my spare money (ha ha) in Kaopectate or Imodium D stock!!!

I think we need an exorcism here.

2008-02-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

Great, now the curse is attacking me -- been sick all day today with projectile diarhhea. Let me tell you, I am tired of cleaning walls, floors, bathrooms and my clothing of that mess.

And Nick is having trouble with Walen since he doesn't like Nick too much. NicK takes him outside to go to the restroom and he turns around and runs back upstairs to the apartment.

So nothing got accomplished today and this was supposed to be grocery shopping day. Oh well, rice for dinner for me and herb tea and Nick can have the fried chicken and rice we planned on.

Quiet Day

2008-02-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Day was quiet and not too productive, since the darn dsl went down and it too ik ATT all day to get around to it. They had better get on the ball, the Time Warner Cable company is waiting in the wings for our business! And since I am the one paying the phone bill, I will get nasty!

I did finally get the contests done. I had started crocheting a dress for Ariminta Rebecca but didn't like it and have decided to make something else of the yarn. Don't know what yet but I will think about it. Might buy Ariminta a new dress in the baby section instead.

Nick is cooking dinner and I guess I should help him, since the smoke alarm just went off. He mananged to do that this morning with pancakes also.

I hope whatever the curse was at those apartments, that it ended with Pye's death and not followed us here.

Bought two cake pan's at the store, and a package of cake mix and frosting. Think I will get on the ball tomorrow and make a cake, if there isn't any errands to do.

Well it is dinner time and I know so, because the smoke alarm just went off again.

Tomorrow, then.