God Inspired

this is a sinner's prayer

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 06:04:00 +0000

dear Lord,
obviously, as Creator, You can do whatever You please,
but here is a sinner's prayer:
teach me to be a Christian through poetry.

i think john really knew what was up when he said
the Word was God.
he said Your creativity spoke the universe into being.
Your ability to breathe Poetry is the only reason we exist.
You said it
and it had no choice but to come true.

so when i'm struggling through paying bills and making ends meet,
remind me of the beauty in matthew 6
when You promised that my heavenly Father would provide
like He did for the grass and the lilies.

when i'm feeling ugly and the spare tire is causing me grief,
point me in the direction of the full-breasted, heavy-set mother-women
who nurtured my poetic contemporaries:
phyllis
mahoghany
jill scott
the queens
melissa
mrs. jackson
...surely, You wrote us down perfectly.

when i'm tired of looking at a ringless finger,
remind me of the beautiful men i know
and the lies their ex-wives told them.
let the verses bring me to my knees in repentance and thanksgiving.
any of those ex-wives could have been me
had i been allowed to say "i do"
without knowing who i am.

dear Jesus,
don't ever allow the flame to die out
where the fire inside me burns for the babies.
continue to keep me crying with every teenage poet
who hits the stage at BNV,
and the ones who don't make it that far.
continue to move me by the stories
of the kids who don't know they can write out their feelings.
keep me like You,
arms open, smiling,
suffering the little ones into our embraces.
matthew 19: the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.

this is a sinner's prayer:

may my head forever nod to the world's beat,
because if i don't know what they're looking for,
i can't point them toward the You they need to see.

may the rhythm of my hips
forever entice the men to know YOU move me.

may the fullness of insecurity rest between these breasts
until a poem is born in my heart that i truly believe,
that genuinely shows little girls their thighs don't have to fit in size-2 jeans.

and may this finger remain ringless.
dear Jesus.
paul told the corinthians it is better to marry than to burn with lust.
but spare us all the misery of a marriage born from physical immaturity.
when i meet the man who inspires me
to write poems about GOD'S love for me,
when You are the center of his, my, and our everything,
then,
only then can we talk about wedding rings.

i'm begging You to make it beautiful.
i am too selfish to fall in love with the ordinary.
so keep before my eyes all genres of things that move me,
that show me both where You are
and where We need to be.

i don't think i can do this Christian thing without poetry.

To President Obama with my condolences - written 10-9-10

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 22:13:00 +0000

Dear Mr. President,
Thank you for teaching me
that there are a lot of people in this country
who really do want things to change.
Thank you for showing me
that there are people crying out against
the way things have always been.
Thank you for being brave enough to stand
for what you think is right.

But I am sorry.
There is one thing I've learned,
day after night after week
of being Black in America:
things don't change just because you want them to.
Things don't change based on what legislators do.
Things only change when multitudes unite behind something they are devoted to.

And despite what we wish to believe,
Americans today are devoted to money.
The only thing out there bigger than money is God.
And the only thing out there big enough to compete with God is money.
The Word doesn't say the Two Masters of Destiny are God and Satan,
the opponent of record coming against the Almighty is wealth,
that desire in humans to leave others struggling while we take care of self.

So I'm laying down my flag.
And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
See my grandpa,
he fought in one of those wars too.
And my uncle, and cousin, so many of my friends and their husbands.
I have seen so much loss behind this flag.
We wave it so high,
with tears in our eyes,
ghosts in our heads,
and stripes on our arms.
But I've realized,
the only way it actually matters
is if what stands in front of the flag is God.
If what stands in front of the flag is Christ
and His call to fight for the abundant life.
An abundant life to which all members of society are entitled,
not only the wealthy.
The America I want to live in is one that stands for equality,
one where the poor are brought relief,
one where the widows are cared for,
and the sick healed of their disease,
one where Brotherly Love is shown to all of those who don't look like we.
So, you see,
nothing we legislate and no one we elect has the power to bring us peace.

So I'm sorry, but the change that I believe in isn't you.
It's not even a true American Democracy.
And it's scary to stand here and say
that the only hope for our world today,
is a Being far enough removed from the labors of humanity
to deserve to be called the King of Kings.
But He's the only One worthy of my allegiance,
the only One completely above the electoral process
or Washington politics,
the One for whom I'm laying down my life,
giving up my single interests for those of humanity.
He's the One for whom I'm picketing,
with whom I'm standing and weeping.

Dear Mr. President,
I'm sorry you stepped into a role too big for a man,
a role demanding a King.

Trophy

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 21:40:00 +0000

If you make enough money that I don't have to work
and we can still support ourselves, our children, and our loves,
then I will be the best trophy wife you ever saw.

I will work out 4-5 times a week unless I'm sick.
I will cook big and nutritious meals to keep us healthy and happy.
I will entertain our friends and your business partners.
We can have Thanksgiving at our place.
I will have healthy, tame, beautiful hair.
I will drive carpools and host play dates.
I will stand at your side looking trim, beautiful, and so happy to see everyone.
But never think I will be silent, or stupid.
I will engage all of the other trophy wives in enlightening conversation.
I will read and write and create art to the satisfaction of the wives who go to work.
I may even discover a way to make money from home while still being the support and care-giver.
This I promise you, if you make enough money that I can stay at home.

But if you ask that I work,
or better yet,
if our household asks for more income,
I will more than likely throw myself into a job that requires a lot of my emotions.
I may teach school or work at a day care or toy store.
I may go in on a business venture with one of my very ambitious friends and spend a lot of extra time making sure everything is done well.
If I am a working wife,
I still promise to keep the house clean, but it may not be spotless.
I still promise to cook sometimes, but I can't promise that the food will be gourmet or that it will come more than 4 times a week.
We will eat leftovers, and take out.
I can't promise that I will work out regularly.
In fact, when a schedule gets crazy and there are little mouths to feed,
that will be the first thing I scratch off the list.
I may not volunteer to host family get-togethers,
and if you bring someone home unexpectedly,
I will be generous and open-armed,
but my work papers and the laundry may be strewn all over the bedroom.

So I guess what I'm saying is this:
if the extra 20-30 pounds I carry secretly bothers you,
don't bank on it coming off for the wedding.
If you only like my hair permed and coiffed, you will have to make sure we can afford that.
If you demand a home-made meal every night,
you must be willing to cook it yourself sometimes.

But our children will be happy.
They will be hugged and loved,
but taught to be brave.
They will be handled firmly and required to behave,
but they will always know where to lay their head when they weep.
And you will be happy.
I will sit close to you while we watch a movie or game.
I will greet you when you come in and say goodbye to you when you leave.
I will speak gently, but honestly,
thoughtfully, but openly,
and I will speak often.
And when you need me to be quiet, I will be.
And every night when we lay down to sleep,
I will make sure to give what I can when you need it.
I promise you these things,
consistently,
from the time you give me a ring until the time one of us ceases to breathe.
Whether I'm working, or standing like a trophy.

Planting People - more doodles

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 19:43:00 +0000

I drew this while sitting and having a discussion with a group of friends I call a life group. Well, I didn't coin the term. Some churches call them cell groups or small groups. But it's people who go to church with me, and we get together every week at someone's house and we talk about our lives and our struggles and our dreams. We serve as accountability partners and encouragers and mentors.

I was far away from Jesus until I became planted in this group.

LifeChurch.tv's message series right now is about being planted. If I can think of a better way to connect with people of God than a life group I will let you know. But so far it's the best idea I've seen.

And I've seen a lot of ideas.
I've searched far and wide and came up empty until I came back to Jesus.
Whoever finds God finds life.

Doodles

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 22:42:00 +0000

in case you don't look to the right or the left when you open this blog, i now have a new purpose for blogging.
i used to do it to organize all of my thoughts about the world. now it's to showcase what i'm inspired by. maybe you think it's lovely. maybe you think it's juvenile. maybe you think i'm dumb. it doesn't much matter. this is what i do today so that i can do tomorrow what i could not do today.

originally when i did this one, it was meant to be me in a business suit, supposedly as my political self. now it's just a professional representation. i'm probably arguing for more funding for hearOKC. :-)


this i did in class when i should have been taking notes. the mini me popped into my head first, the hand was the first intricate thing i noticed that i could copy. the cross and heart were last, for no good reason, except they are basic images and they are always on my mind.

do either of these mean anything very special to you? or do they jump out at you?

You Can Always Come Home

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 00:24:00 +0000

I'm going to tell you my rendition of what my very dear friend told me, and I hope it helps, at the very least, to get you to open up the channels of communication.

GOD IS NOT MAD AT YOU.
He is not sitting up in Heaven shaking His head because you messed up again, thinking of ways to punish you for your actions. He is holding out His hand asking you to come to Him and let Him "fix" things. Sometimes, I think He's on His metaphorical knees, begging you to come to Him...
...not because He's a weak God who needs us to validate Himself, but because He is a perfect, loving, Father, friend, and Savior who wants the best for us, and only He knows what's best. He knows because He created us, and the best thing for us is His will.

"you can ALWAYS come home"

News

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:46:00 +0000

Arbitrarily irritated: my grandfather told my mom I can't afford my car. I am a full-time college student working 25-35 hours a week and still getting As. What exactly are you complaining about?

In other news: I am about to catch up on my school work.
I had a mini-nervous breakdown on Sunday/Monday, due in part to the strange over-medicated experience I had Saturday evening.

Again, I might graduate in May, rather than December, especially now that my grandpa thinks it's okay to persecute me while I'm trying to get a degree.

The meeting of the Kaleo Life Group sets the whole tone for my week, and we went to the OK State Fair this past week, and are considering skipping this upcoming week. :-/ I'll have to figure out how to keep myself on track.

I know a guy who really wants to be my boyfriend.
I am scared.

I want to get back into blogging.
If I bail on the education degree (and go the alternative route), I'll have 3-6 hours of available B.S. class time next semester where I might take a course called "Blogs: New Independent Media." Or I might take Spanish. Spanish is probably the better idea.

That's all.

whoever finds God finds life

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 04:29:00 +0000

i would hope that you don't think you have to believe in the lifechurch.tv high-tech mega-church model to believe this. the thing that people often miss about us is that we don't care about our buildings or our technology. those are just tools we use to get to God. the only place where true life exists is in Him.

i have something akin to an interview tomorrow with some people about worship ministry.
i am a bit overwhelmed. i tweeted this the other day: "if you're looking for it, God always goes for shock and awe." He has completely revolutionized my life. this year is shaping up to be a perfect 2010 for reasons i could never have predicted.

i can't even type a coherent blog post because there are so many thoughts running through my head.

i have realized, yet again, that there is no one like the living God.
i know, better than many, that i'm not qualified to say that. i've said contradictory things so many times. but that's what makes Him the greatest in this world or any other. He is strong enough to take chances even on those who have let Him down before.

i have to reign myself in everyday.
i have to fight off the guilt everyday.
i have to fight off the temptation everyday.
and i am scared everyday.
but God is faithful everyday.
and God is forgiving everyday.
and He heals a little piece of something everyday.
He plants a little seed of something everyday.

and i trust Him.

i pray that all of us let our hearts be softened, let ourselves be romanced, by the God of the universe.
at the very least, i promise you'll never be bored!

Rooted and Grounded pt. 2

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 19:17:00 +0000

A poet I know wrote, "It's the hardest thing in the world is to look someone in the eye and admit: 'I will disappoint you'" (Colin Gilbert). And he was very right.

Over the last five or six weeks, a very good friend of mine listened to God's voice hard enough to show me some things I've been hiding from for a long time.

All it takes is a foothold of fear, of doubt, of misinformation - just a little bit of a lie mixed in with a whole lot of truth - and before you know it, you're on a path you never planned to be on, doing things you never thought you'd do.

We change so much from our teenage years to full adulthood. Some of us go from being rowdy kids who don't listen to authority to soldiers and family men who make it their business to take care of those in need. Some of us go from hating school to wanting to teach little ones. Some of us go from being all-around good kids to being rebellious and incendiary.
Some say this change is inevitable. It is growth and there is no stopping or circumventing it.
My best friend and I have long believed that there's a small window of opportunity to raise hell and not be judged for it. So we better take advantage of it while we're young, because when we "grow up" it won't be acceptable.
I've done and believed a little bit of all of these things.

I can't say I regret them.
I've heard more than one pastor say, "it's better to learn by instruction than by correction."But I've always been a kinetic learner.
So now I'm nearing the end of a college career that's taking longer than expected. I'm taking stock of my friends, my experiences, my skills, my dreams, and I'm wondering if I'm on the right path.

Over the last two weeks, I have let myself become vulnerable again to a kind of love that demands nothing. The kind that hopes for perfection, and almost pleads with my heart to take my place in the making of that perfection. And I am amazed at how wrong I was when I thought that's what I'd been pursuing the whole time.

Pastor Charles Martin at Integrity's Voice of Victory Church said, "God isn't asking you to be perfect; He's just asking you to be the best you you can be." And I'm realizing that I was placed in this body, in this skin, in this city, in my family, with my various groups of friends and influences for a specific reason. I don't quite know the reason, but I do know that running from what my unique set circumstances requires does not create the best version of myself.

I am put in mind of a quote from Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
And I realize now that I have not been true to myself. Not the self you probably are acquainted with. But my soul-level self, the one that is part and particle of a creative God. I have been false to her and therefore have been false to several people I know...perhaps for the last few years.

This is not another manifesto of all the imminent truth I am now privvy to.
I'm good at writing manifestos.
This is a statement to those of you who care, and I'm blessed because there are a lot of you - near and far, that I am done pretending to have answers. I can tell you what part of your sentence is grammatically incorrect, but beyond that I have no declarative statements to make, save these:

1. I have probably disappointed you at some point...maybe in this very moment.
2. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ...And the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us."
3. "Christ came that we may have life and that to the full."
4. I never intended to hurt anyone - not you, not myself, not the heart of God.
5. I do not know how to make this work.
6. "With God all things are possible."

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...that He would grant [ME], according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner [WO]man, that Christ may dwell in [MY] heart through faith; that [I], being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that [I] may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Beautiful, Artistic Life

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 05:52:00 +0000

Life is beautiful. It all happens so fast.

I am a certified Starbucks barista. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I totally understand why friends like Amanda (Moorhead) Stephens have stayed there for so long. It's wonderful. Tiring sometimes, but great.

I've got some interesting feedback and ideas about OSGA and students involved in politics.

I'm working on my second and third pieces for The Loop Magazine.

I have texted the man a lot, but we haven't resolved anything or made any plans. I'm officially in waiting mode for him. I think. Unless "god" shows me something else.

Today I was really sad about that, but then I talked to my Lovesound, and just hearing her voice - her light, carefree, youthful voice - reminded me that we are young and beautiful and everything will be okay. So after work, I ate a little dinner and then went to Frank's tattoo shop to hang with him. I talked a blue streak and he drew me this picture:

He said my voice made him think of this. It's a flower in abstract. He said, "somebody should dissect that shit and figure out what it means." I told him I was fine with leaving it how it is: a cool picture that came from a conversation between artists/friends. We talked about two tattoos for him to put on me: my cherry blossom tree, and something he thought up on his own that I like. He said he'll teach me to play the guitar. I'm sharing song ideas with him.

I wrote the beginnings of a song. I have 85% of the words, and a fun little melody. It's about my version of "god." It's called "You Are the Messes Too."

I felt like a much better, more balanced, more beautiful version of myself while making art imitate life with Frank. I could never completely live his lifestyle, but I'm happy to let him rub off on me.

There's a guy Marcus Muse, who Frank taught to tattoo and who Frank has re-employed as a legit shop artist (rather than a janky, back room of the house artist), who specializes in paint. We hung with him a bit too. Frank called us a trifecta, and I immediately fell in love with the idea of this trio of very unique people spending time being creative together.

Days at school and work. Nights being creative with my boys. Writing writing writing. Hell yes.

"This is my beautiful life
The only thing certain is everything changes
The lows and the highs
and all those goodbyes
As hard as it gets I know it's still amazing to be alive
It's a beautiful life"

Rules of the Game

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 22:18:00 +0000

Coffee and Alcohol have the same rules.

Think of coffee like beer - different flavors and less concentrated.
Think of espresso like hard liquor - the real shit.
Mixed drinks apply to both,
and the rules on shots are the same:
1. gulp it down all at once, no matter how big it is
(the size determines how cool you are)
2. it WILL burn on the way down
3. make sure you eat first
4. once you break the seal it's all over

Tales of Being a Starbucks Barista!
Summer of Perfect 2010!

It's still a Perfect 2010!

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 02:58:00 +0000

Since my last post:

I quit my job at Build-A-Bear because she wouldn't give me more money. Saturday was my last day. I got hired full-time at Starbucks. Monday is my first day.

I quit the poetry slam team - partially because I'm a punk and partially because it was AWFUL timing and it was disorganized. I'm thinking I'll switch back to the "real" poetry scene as soon as everyone gets back from Nationals. Red Dirt feels better in my bones and soul. That was a dramatic undertaking.

But in my pursuit of slam team activity, I got to see a youth slam team from Jacksonville, Fla. and it reminded me of what I want to do with my life. Favorite says she thinks it's totally doable and she might even end up helping with the legal stuff later on down the road. hearOKC is still gonna happen people; just hold your horses!

I did my first article for The Loop Magazine and everybody loved it. Please believe that as soon as I have the link, I'll post it.

I haven't re-lost any of the my weight gain...I haven't put in any work. BUT, I just discovered that walk-in yoga classes in the Paseo are only $10 for students!! BAM! Flexibility and tone, here I come! And I'll still walk or jog sometimes. But I've been reading yoga journal magazine and Eat, Pray, Love and I just wanna be a yogi. That's all. If I can do a complicated yoga pose in 15 pounds, then the numbers don't matter.

I haven't done ANY focusing on OSGA since my last post. But I do have a retreat with them on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll be back on the grind.

Rooms's best friend moved down from Michigan last week, so we moved out of our two-bedroom and into a three-bedroom. The living room looks freakin' bomb!! RoomsS did SUCH a good job! The kitchen needs some work. And I'm saving up to buy a Shoji room divider with a cherry blossom tree on it for the hallway. My room is getting there. I have all the furniture set up. Favorite says she'll buy me an Om to hang above my bed. I'm ordering this beautiful comforter from Target.com (gray with a big orchid and polka dot sheets). I'm buying a pink picture of the Buddha and a huge set of mala beds from Craig's Curious Emporium in the Paseo. I just need yellow curtains and a curtain rod and I'll be set. Well, and I'd like a small sculpture - maybe of a dragon, but I haven't seen anything I like yet.

I'm getting my hair braided tomorrow, because I've made the final decision: I'm getting dredlocks. No turning back. The goal is to have them starting the new year 2012.

I went on a date with a friend from elementary school. I like him a lot. My mom is convinced that he likes me just as much. But today he told me he's going through too much in his life for a relationship. I was sad for a couple of hours. But my mom is also convinced that there won't be too much time passage before he contacts me again. The fact that I'm not sad makes me think that she might be right. And if not, then there's someone else out there.

Oh, and I turned 22! It was uneventful. We were RIGHT in the middle of moving. But Deuce knows my name now and said he loved me. So I guess that's good. Another year!

I'm very comfortable with where I am in life right now. Retreat Satuday, church Sunday, work Monday, and then three weeks until school starts! I'm ready.

It's still a Perfect 2010!!

Confessions

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 07:11:00 +0000

I do want to be married.
I get married in my head to every guy I crush on. If I can't see myself with him forever, I usually can't see myself with him at all.

I miss singing.

I miss worship music.
I miss the way House Church used to feel.
I don't miss being preached at about things that don't matter.
I miss being in awe of Jesus.
I wish more people I know were in awe of Prince Sidhartha, and Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Gandhi, and Rainer Maria Rilke, and Rumi.
I wish more people would allow themselves to reach their full potential - and therefore be awed by their own endless possibility.

I miss the community of church, of Alpha Chi Omega, of my high school jazz choir...groups of people that believed in something similar.

I miss agreeing with my family about something.

The Loop, and the Future

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 08:05:00 +0000

There is so much happening in my life right now.

I love my job, but I don't love the money I'm not making. Hopefully, it will all be easier in a few weeks when we get a third roommate.

I miss being fashionable. I went shopping today with money I probably shouldn't have spent, and got so excited about the things I bought. I also got sad that I won't be able to wear them to work. I hate uniforms.

I am really busy, but trying to pretend like I'm not. I obsessively text and tweet in order to make myself feel the illusion of leisure time. That's kind of sad.

I have done two performances with the Wordpulp Slam Team in the last two weeks. I have one this Thursday (7/15) and the following Thursday (7/22). The week after that is the arrival of my third roommate, Primary Day (7/27), another Wordulp event (7/29), our house party (7/31) and my birthday (8/1). On August 3 I hop in a van with the team and head to St. Paul, Minnesota for the National Poetry Slam. I'm excited and scared shitless. So much to do and so little time.

I have pretty officially landed a job with a local start-up publication called The Loop Magazine. We are trying to become an urban version of The Oklahoma Gazette on glossy paper with some more flavor added! I loved the girls I met who have been running the show for the last year. I wrote a rough draft of my first piece just now and was all jazzed up so I decided to update my blog. I'll edit the piece tomorrow and then send it off in hopes of getting good reviews.

I've gained back three of my thirteen pounds lost and I need to fix that as quickly as possible. I don't care so much about the pounds, except they are directly indicative of how much work I haven't done in the last two weeks.

I started to get back into OSGA stuff but then all of this life happened so I haven't continued.
My roommate's manager at Starbucks is trying to set up an interview with me, but I'm antsy about it. I love Build-A-Bear and I already don't focus on it that well. But I need more money too. If Starbucks is offering full-time I might really need to look into it. My boss hasn't said no to a raise. She hasn't said anything at all.

-----
My job with The Loop has got me thinking about the future. I think I could be content to work one "day job" and write for the magazine for anywhere from two to seven years. I say seven years because then I'll be thirty and I should probably pass that mantle to someone else, and start the teaching gig. Hopefully the economy will have turned around by then and I might even be settled into a stable relationship.

Magazine writing is what I always wanted to do until I developed my political persona and made myself believe that it wasn't a serious job. Now that my ideas have run the whole gamut, I think I'm ready to do, rather than just think. I know what I'm capable of and I'm ready to get out there and try my luck at life.

I want to teach, but not right now.
Now to just finish out this degree...

Balance

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 06:09:00 +0000

I just wrote a page and a half of mantras to meditate on daily. If I get to a point where I feel like they are manifest in my life, I will write new mantras.

One of my affirmations is this:
I love balance.
One of the truths upon which I meditate is this:
The Universe seeks balance. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

These declarations made me wonder.
If the Universe seeks balance, does American gluttony provide the need for African poverty? Does European formality provide the need for Middle Eastern barbarism? Do the actions of one society produce reactions in other societies? If we all lived somewhere in the middle, might the world perfect itself?

I think the answer to all of those questions is yes.

"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin in me."

iWrite

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:39:00 +0000

I have a friend Lamarr Womble, who has a life philosophy about passionate living. He believes, and lives out the belief, that one should assess their passions and turn them into a lifestyle. What you love is what you should do. If you are young, don't even get started on a career path that steers you away from your passion. If you are older, integrate elements of what you're about into your life - make it your side hustle - until you become so good at it that maybe your side hustle can become your main hustle.

Eighteen months ago when I first heard this philosophy, Lamarr asked a simple question: "What's your passion?"
Even in the most fundamental and basic of things, I find a way to be complicated. He asked a singular question and I gave a plural answer. I can see now how the answer has changed slightly (or how I am looking past the blinders I had on at the time) but it still plural. I am passionate about writing, politically activism, and children.

As a 22-year-old with a semi-good job working with kids and an inclination to not be tied down at the moment, I think I should take some risks to pursue my love for writing. I have been presented with several opportunities that I don't follow through with - partially because of lack of organization, partially because of fear.

It's time to stop being afraid.
What step will I take today to pursue my passion?
Drafting and/or editing.

Moving Mountains

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:00:00 +0000

There are some days when I sit back and look at my surroundings and look at the people I know and love and think:

I just want to teach high school English in OKC public schools.

I want to have my weekends and summers off. I want to be able to randomly drive to Dallas or Houston to spend quality time with my family. I want to be free to go places and experience things.
And I want to be a cog in the system working for change in a small way, in a way teenagers need. I want to move one mountain, one stone at a time, not join with a large group of people to shift the entire course of the Rockies. Just one mountain. And I've got a lifetime to move it by myself.

And then I talk to a lady in Build-A-Bear. Sweet lady who looks Hispanic and whose daughter looks either Hispanic or Middle Eastern. She comes in an average of twice a month and never drops less than $100 on her four-year-old. I thought she was insane at first, because that's way too much money on children's toys. But this week she came in twice - Monday and Tuesday - and said some things that made me look deeper.

Monday she told about how they had "cut back" because her daughter wasn't treating her toys like she was grateful, like they were special. Very observant. Much less materialistic than I had originally thought she was. Tuesday they come in and she is wearing the same clothes - and a woman who drops dollars like she does has plenty of clothes to change into. She looks tired, sad, sick, or all of the above and she's doing a ton of sniffling. She looks at me almost apologetically and says, "We just came back for the jaguar. Just the jaguar." Her daughter starts running around looking at the things she likes and trying to decide if she has them at home already (because she's got half our store). I ask her if she is okay. She says she's been sick.

The lady sits down in a chair looking ready to wither and starts talking to me. She was surprised that I understood everything her daughter said. She said I must have kids. I told her no, I just love them and love to listen to them. I said I taught two- and three-year old Sunday school for a couple of years and that I want to teach high school English. She says I'll be great. After some time passes she says, "You should teach at Cassidy."

If you know me or have read my other posts about teaching, you know that I have NO desire to teach preppy, rich, white kids. And Cassidy is more preppy, rich, and white than almost any private school in the metro. I had to reign in my thoughts before I said, "Oh hell no!"

Instead I said, "Well, I've always wanted to teach in public schools. Private schools, especially Cassidy, are kind of..."
"Snotty?" She put in. I nodded appreciatively. She continued: "I don't ever want to be hateful, but some of the parents there are very elitist even toward my family." And we proceed to have a whole conversation about rich, snotty people and how she doesn't want to be one, how she doesn't want her daughter to be one, and how she's not sure if she wants her daughter attending that school past elementary. She is afraid the other kids will hurt her. And I can completely relate because that's how it always was for me in private elementary and junior high school.

She isn't from Oklahoma. Wherever she lived before, she attended public school in what she referred to as a "Mexican ghetto," likely the same kind I want to teach in. She said it was scary and she doesn't want her daughter to go through that either.
I worried over her and the reason behind her sniffles and weakness and day-old outfit until they left.

I stood there wondering what I could have done more to help. I had wanted to hug her but didn't know if that was okay.

And then I thought: I'll have to do something more than just teach high school English. But I don't know what it is yet. Right now, the Build-A-Bear Workshop will do.

perfect harmony

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 05:41:00 +0000

this is just another reason to love the First Family and Paul McCartney

i still believe in you, too, mr. president.

peace comes WITH understanding

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 07:26:00 +0000

words. are. life. to. me.

the true colors personality test has just helped me understand that life.

knowing that i'm predominantly green (as opposed to gold, blue, or orange) - i.e. more analytical than the personality quadrant (expressive, driver, analytical, amiable) gave me credit for being - and that only 7% of the population is green explains why i never feel understood. knowing that i am green (deep-thinking, seeking correlation) followed by a toss-up between gold (driver, task-oriented, structured) and blue (amiable, focused on relationships, passionate, artsy) shows me the reason behind my desire for a connection to a spiritual community. it also shows me my intense passion for poetry - the most condensed version of meaningful art. and for writers - the juxtaposers of correlative information. and for philosophers - the students of the universe. and for theologians - the students of the Divine.
this is why i love Jesus. and Buddha. and Ralph Waldo Emerson. and Barack Obama. and Elizabeth Gilbert. and Lauren Zuniga.

thank the universe.

i feel so much peace right now.

tidbits

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Sat, 15 May 2010 07:08:00 +0000

i must balance a thing/person's flaws with it's redeeming qualities.
disney never made me feel bad about myself. i can love disney movies and hate cookie-cutter images at the same time. i can see the stereotypes and the plot problems and love the music and the morals.
a story is still good even if i don't approve of the ending.

i looove country music.
perhaps it's because i live in oklahoma and my family is from texas, but i most appreciate songs about the real life stuff that people try to ignore. "it's a quarter after one, i'm a little drunk, and i need you now." classic.

i think facebook and twitter are the best things to be invented since personal computers.
via facebook, i can get glimpses into the lives of people i have "grown out with" (yes, grown out, not grown up. to "grow up with" is to experience life with while growing. it's a time and proximity thing. to "grow out of" or "outgrow" is to leave something behind. it has a connotation of being better or smarter or more evolved than the thing that was outgrown. to "grow out with" someone is to grow apart from them, as in not in the same proximity, but not in a way that is removed as if you are leaving them behind). several of the people i used to know are wonderful people whose lives make perfect sense for them. we cannot be close because our lives are so different. but we are not far away because i think i'm better. our paths no longer cross, but i still think they're wonderful. via twitter, i can let out all of my random thoughts and comments and they can be taken or left off at will. no pressure.

i want to write a movie script.
my world is too aesthetically beautiful to exist completely in the written word. it's also too complicated to be a song or poem. a photo collage is too extensive. plus the writing would be good exercise. i'm a story-teller struggling to find a medium.

Things I'm Looking Into

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Mon, 03 May 2010 19:37:00 +0000

Reading more: The Autobiography of Malcolm X, something about Marcus Garvey, maybe Roots, and some fun stuff too.

Lupe Fiasco's Lasers thing. It looks like it wants to be a movement, but for now it's just Twitter and Lupe's music leaks. I want to move it.

Hip hop: Lupe, dead prez, Talib Kweli, Public Enemy, NWA, T.I.

Doing MY OWN thing. I want Jari Askins to be Governor, but I need to stop trying to intern in her office, because the movement of my people is bigger that her campaign office. I want to volunteer for her campaign, but I don't want to be responsible to them.

Go natural again?
My friend Vineasa chopped off all of her hair, and she is beautiful. Maybe when I lose 30 pounds.
I've been saying that for a while, but I am going to the gym right now, so it might happen this time.

Forward movement.
Check this out: www.blackamanian.blogspot.com

Senior Alpha Chi Omega: What I Would have Said at Omega Fireside

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 05:10:00 +0000

First: leaving OCU before senior year was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Mostly because I knew I'd be leaving all of you. I knew I'd be missing the laughs, the struggles, the beauty, the ritual, the t-shirts, the meetings, the photos. That was my life for three years and I love this organization so much.

Second: I know I promised I would visit a lot this year and I haven't really visited at all. I am very sorry. There are no real excuses for this other than work (I took a position all of the sudden that left me with no free time) and fear. I was told that I was an alum, not a collegiate member and as such I was supposed to behave like an alum. I understand this mandate. It is based in fact and in preservation of the order of the group. But I realized at Homecoming that I didn't want to be an alum. I wanted to be a member still, even if I didn't go to the same school. I wanted to wear letters and take photos and hang out and participate, but I didn't want to anger anyone by over-stepping my boundaries. Hence, Alpha Chi became something I missed everyday, rather than something I could participate in sometimes. Please hear what I say (or write) rather than focusing on what I do. I Facebook stalked you guys ALL THE TIME because I miss you so much. I talked you guys up at UCO since they don't have a chapter. Y'all were always in my heart and on my mind even if I did a bad job of showing it.

Third: You are all so talented and beautiful. I ask two things: 1) keep doing you and 2) don't take Alpha Chi for granted. This chapter is an asset to Greek Life at OCU and to the national organization on so many levels (most importantly in my mind: our dedication to class and hard work and our pride in our organizations ritual and tradition). Continue to excel in those areas AND continue to find "new walls to break down and new ideas to replace them with" (Mona Lisa Smile quote). Keep seeking the heights! And always remember that there are girls who want what you have (each other, an organization dedicated at its core to excellence) and can't have it - either because they can't afford it, or because they don't go to the right school, or because their parents won't let them, or whatever. So treasure it everyday. Never miss an opportunity to spend time with sisters. These are the best days of your life and you WILL miss them when they are gone. Especially if they are taken from you before you expected it.

Fourth: so much of who I am as a person I owe to my experience at Gamma Tau. You all taught me how to love beyond differences. You taught me how to fight fair, and when not to fight at all. You taught me when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. And you gave me some of my best friends (Big, Bestie ;-)). You taught me how to let people walk their own path. You made me into a Real. Strong. Woman.

Thank you,
I still miss you,
Love ITB,
Najah, Fall 2006 PC

Searching While Trying Not to Search

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 07:43:00 +0000

My quest for an older, intelligent man who wants to have deep conversations and quiet nights buried in our books is fruitless. I just filled out the questionnaire for Chemisty.com, and yet I refuse to pay subscription fees. That AND, I highly doubt that the type of man I want is on dating sites. He's too busy meeting pretty girls at museums and bookstores.

I wish I could get over it, but that guy whet my appetite for something that I never would have thought I really wanted. But I do. Badly.

::sigh::

Taking It In Stride

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 04:11:00 +0000

I miss his brain. so. much.

There was a guy. He doesn't exist in my world anymore. For once, I think I really hurt his feelings too (not just he mine).
Long story short: I came on too strong (damn my driver personality sometimes). He hinted at being just friends. I am bad at backtracking and kept pushing. He called me out on it. I got defensive. He got defensive. I got pissed and said mean things. We're not even friends on FB anymore.

To an extent that needed to happen, because I would not have backed off if he hadn't MADE me. I want what I want when I want it.
But I am sad, because I over-reacted. If I had been calmer about the situation, we might be able to still share thoughts and that's what I wanted. That's what I liked about him to begin with.

He was an English undergrad and is getting a master's in library science and instructional technology. SO SMART. And I loved knowing that if I wanted to talk about something nerdy he would get it. I used to fantasize about homework parties.
~~I know, that's ridiculous.~~

I'm sad that we couldn't be friends. I'm not trying to shirk blame for flying off the handle, but I really think it's for the best because I would have continued to try to start something if things hadn't gone the way they did.

So, who wants to help me find an older, mature, intellectual type who is avant garde, likes my strong will and my opinions, and appreciates art?

My 10-year Life Plan

noreply@blogger.com (najah-amatullah) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 18:34:00 +0000

To do before I officially enact this plan: move into an apartment with a roommate.
Application in, lease to sign and pro-rated rent to pay, move in starts April 30.

This year:

-lose 20 pounds or more

-keep up with all my big kid bills

One Year: By Dec. 31, 2011 (23 y/o):
-graduate with a B.A. in English Education and a minor in Spanish
-continue working at BABW and saving money
-keep my life balanced so that my hair stops falling out from stress

Two Years: Spring/Summer 2012 (24 y/o):
-maintain good financial standing
-work at BABW while looking for a teaching job for the fall
-write Lamarr's book (and some other things)
-do primary and secondary research for hearOKC

-start teaching

-get my own place with no roommate

Three Years: Spring/Summer 2013 (25 y/o):
-go to DC for (Pres. Obama's second ;-)) inauguration
-continue to write and research
-maintain
- have great savings so that I can travel

Six Years: Spring/Summer 2016 (28 y/o):
-be financially stable
-keep writing and researching
-start the Oklahoma youth poetry slams

Seven Years: Spring/Summer 2017 (29 y/o):
-start graduate school
-take a team to the Brave New Voices Youth Poetry Slam Festival

Ten Years: Spring/Summer 2020 (32 y/o):
-have a master's (don't know in what yet)
-have some good writing under my belt

These are the things that need to get done in ten years, in that order. But if I'm awesome and can do them faster then mad props to me.

Edits in light pink.