An Ozark State of Mind

Reach For It!

2012-02-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of comments on social networking sites by people who are gun owners. They trumpet all the things that their state's concealed carry laws would allow them to do, if the need arose. The really odd thing is that they speak of their guns as if they were a spouse or something. It's almost like handguns are the new mistress in their lives! Women too, love their guns, and tend to collect hundreds of rounds of ammunition for them. These modern day gunslingers won't go anywhere without their weapons. In fact there was an article in the news last month about the husband and wife in Colorado who are suing the Postal Service for prohibiting firearms on Postal Property. They claim they should be allowed to bring their guns in when they pick up their mail! WTF?? Our generation grew up watching Westerns on TV. Hopalong Cassidy, the Lone Ranger, and Gunsmoke all featured pistol packing characters, who were quick on the draw, and quicker still on the trigger. Most of us had cap guns to play with as children, and would try and emulate Marshall Dillon, or Ben Cartwright with our slightly slower draw.

I find it interesting that these concealed carry advocates remind me so much of some of the neighborhood kids I grew up with. They were seldom seen without their trusty sidearm. They fancied themselves as the next Marshall Dillon, tho they really didn't want to uphold the law, they wanted to impress everyone with their guns. I have a feeling that these kids grew up to become the concealed carry movement. They have their guns hidden where, after a short time, they can find them and use them. My take is that if a person points a gun at you and pulls the trigger, you hardly have time to watch your life pass in front of your eyes, much less draw your gun. Or better yet, if you see a robber holding up a citizen in a back ally somewhere, pull you trusty pistol and shoot him, you're not a hero, you are a murderer! There is no reason to parade around with a hidden gun. If you feel the need to have one, keep it at home. The police force was hired, (and trained) to uphold the law. They are the ones here to protect us. They alone have the training, the knowledge, and experience to stop crime.
If I had my way, people would not be able to conceal pistols on their person, only shotguns. That way, the surrounding population would know who is armed, and who to stay away from. A concealed shotgun down a person's trouser leg would send a clear message that a gun is present, and that at any moment, the man, (or woman) reach down to scratch themselves, and shoot their foot!

The Lone Ranger was a myth, and the "Wild West" has faded into history. I guess some just won't let that idea go away. Some want to relive their childhood and still play with guns. Sadly, they aren't using caps, but live, lethal, ammunition!

The Sanford Syndrome

2012-01-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

Growing up in the 1950's meant that, at least for us, we would live a different lifestyle than we constantly saw on TV. We wouldn't know the joys of a color television until the early 1970's, nor have more than one television, or telephone. We were the post-war generation, whose parents scrimped and saved to get us to adulthood. I am reminded of this every time I switch on the television, and see ads for expensive new cars, computers, and electronic gadgets. While as kids, we saw the ads for the latest things, but remember the ads for things our families could afford. "See the USA in your Chevrolet" was designed to appeal to our patriotism, and convince us to buy a new car. For most of our families, that was the impossible dream. Instead, we watched commercials where the new car dealers tempted us with used cars. How weird was that? We went to school in hand-me-downs, some of them from acquaintances, some from distant relatives.
That's the point I'm trying to make here is that most people these days, have to make do with castoffs from the more affluent society. Our wages just aren't enough to let us live the American dream. It's kind of sad that the lives that our country promised us, have been replaced by a second-hand lifestyle. Our wages have never kept up with the cost of living, and inflation has destroyed our buying power. We can't even afford to stay the same, as prices keep going up.

And so we live our lives with the castoff items of the better off. It's not just a small percentage of society that does this anymore, either. It's not like I'm complaining, though. I'm more than happy to buy used things at estate sales and thrift shops. In fact, I feel smarter than those folks that paid way too much for an item, just because it was "in" at the time.

In the 1970's, there was a television show called "Sanford and Son". It was about a junk dealer who dealt in second hand items. We watched it back then, as young people who had the world by the tail. We mocked those that would buy something second hand. There was no limit to what we could earn. I'm still in awe of the day I received a raise, and actually surpassed my father's income. There was nothing we couldn't do!
Reality has a way of bitch-slapping you back to earth, though. By the 1990's, we found that our money didn't go very far anymore. We found ourselves having to make do with less than perfect things to get by. We bought used cars, shopped garage sales and flea markets in order to buy what we needed at the lowest price possible.

It's far worse in this new millennium. Nearly everyone shops the second hand stores and estate sales. I have found myself in the position of being a "Fred Sanford" myself as of late. I have been working for an estate sale company selling off the belongings of the deceased and passing along bargains in the process. There is a certain cachet to doing this. People tend to seek me out, asking me to be on the lookout for things they need. I see most of our customers around town, so I am always in contact with them. If I do find what they want, I'm always willing to negotiate a fair price for it. This makes everyone happy, as they always know what the price is for a new item. This is the "second generation American dream", I guess. We have little chance of buying new, and have to resort to used merchandise. I just try to make the experience a little more fun.

We have learned to keep things longer, fix what we have to make it last, and do what it takes to get by in this new economy. Hand-me-downs aren't so bad anymore, and junk has now become junque for most of us. I'm sure not complaining, as now I've found my niche in the second hand world.

RIP Fred Sanford, your business is in good hands!

Waiting for Columbus

2012-01-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

During the holidays this year, we had the opportunity to have Christmas dinner at my sister and brother-in-law's home. After a fantastic meal, we settled in to view photos of their recent 17 day cruise from Barcelona Spain to Houston TX. Considering the fact that I've never even set foot in the ocean, this was an astounding feat! The cruise took them to the Canary Islands, (named after dogs, not birds). What's even more amazing is that the house that Christopher Columbus lived in there, is still standing, and looks quite nice after all these years. We all know the rhyme: "In fourteen-hundred and ninety two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue." It was lucky for him he didn't wait a year, as we might just be saying: "In fourteen-hundred and Ninety-three, Columbus sank to the bottom of the sea!"
At any rate, the fact that his home still stands, just as he left it, with all the surrounding houses as well, is simply astonishing. In fact in many of the photos we saw of Spain, entire towns were just as they were centuries ago, not as tourist attractions, but as every day homes for regular people.

I gave this fact a lot of thought the other day, when there was yet another video on the news of a perfectly good skyscraper being leveled. You might ask "why"??" Why to put up another skyscraper, of course! Tiger Woods's ex-wife is tearing down her multi-million dollar mansion to build, gasp, another mansion!

I cannot understand this throw-away society. We tear down perfectly good things, in order to build another perfectly good thing, which will also be torn down in a few years. There was nothing wrong with the old one, it just wasn't as modern, or didn't have the same features as the new one. Then, we fret over landfill space, due to the constant upgrading of our lives.
We buy new cars when the ashtray on our old one is full, new electronics when another, newer item arrives, and pursue new lives when the old one isn't prestigious enough. I suppose it has something to do with being Americans. We live in the wide open spaces of America (but mostly live in the congested cities), we tout our independence, (while constantly worrying what others must think), and only preserve our heritage when forced to. We want a constant stream of newness, and to always be able to "keep up with the Jones" What ever happened to "the simple life"?
We could just as easily be content with the status we have, and the lives we live. Instead, we beat ourselves up trying to "get ahead". Sadly, there is no ahead. Once that plateau has been reached, people realize that it's not as good as the next one, and the one after that. The existence can continue as long as the money holds out. When it doesn't, people are forced to regroup, and rethink their existence. That old car isn't so bad, that old cell phone won't get you on Facebook, but it will make a phone call! At some point, you have to wonder what all the fuss is about.

Columbus had to borrow money from Queen Isabella of Spain to make his journey. He wasn't a wealthy man, he merely wanted to find a new way to get to India for face to face tech support for his Microsoft product. He had every intention of returning to his home, and living out his life there. At no time did he feel like: "I've got my own holiday now, perhaps I need some new digs". This pragmatic approach to life should be a lesson for us all. Give thanks for what you have, and keep it in good shape. You may never get anything better!
And, most importantly, give thanks that 'ol Christopher decided to take matters into his own hands and find the new world, rather than sit home on the phone, waiting for tech support!

"Adios, Amigos!"

2012-01-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

Lately, it seems that more and more people are struggling to come to grips with the issues that affect each of us. We face a huge debt run up by our former president Bush (AKA The Texas Twit), a dieing Postal Service (also thanks to the Texas Twit), and illegal immigration. With another election year on it's way, we have a number of candidates talking about the issues, but none with a real plan to fix any of these problems. It's sad to see that someone who aspires to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the free world, hasn't a clue about how to bring it back to it's glory.

As the only person in the nation with a plan to fix all three, I hereby offer this solution:
First off, we must acknowledge the fact that we have over 12 million illegals here, with more sneaking over the border every day.

Secondly, our nation is pretty much broke thanks to the Texas Twit invading the wrong country after 9/11.    "Mission Accomplished" my ass! We have wasted trillions of dollars, and countless lives on this fiasco.

Thirdly, the US Post Office Department was given life in article 10 of the US constitution.   The idea that it must be killed off for the good of the nation flies in the face of reason. The Postal Service delivers needed communications, while the congress merely sits around and acts like a bunch of children!

I have an idea to right these wrongs, a plan to fix all three in one fell swoop!

First, we notify each and every illegal resident here that we insist that they immigrate legally, or leave the country. The Postal Service would convey this demand via Registered Mail (postage due, of course). This would enrich the coffers of our national mail service.

After a short waiting period, the remaining illegal residents would be rounded up, and taken to holding areas. During this time, giant catapults would be built along the US-Mexican border. After careful review, I have found that Arizona and California would not be a good state to set up in. The same goes for New Mexico, as the first illegal aliens from space landed here. These visitors brought technology unknown in the 1940's resulting in the birth of spray cheese, beer nuts, and Doritos. We could not minimize their contribution to our culture by putting catapults here. No, the proper state would be Texas, with the longest border strip.

Now in order to bail out the treasury, the US would enlist the aid of the Las Vegas bookies A virtual grid would be superimposed on the Mexican side of the border, and live firings would go on day and night. The illegal would first be given a parachute to ensure a safe landing, and that same 'chute would be made of an edible fabric. Land and eat, amigo! Bookies would set odds on where the illegal might land, with the US getting 50% of the profits. It could become the next national past time, with millions of wagers and the entire nation watching on Pay-Per-View!
Yet another reason to chose Texas is that with the insane amount of guns in the state, it's always possible that perhaps one of the citizens might shoot an illegal out of the sky, upping the odds for someone who bet on an alternate square square.

So you see, three problems solved at once! What other candidate thinks this deep, and finds answers?

Adios Pedro, and happy landings!

Enough Already!

2012-01-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

The news this morning had yet another story about Tim Tebow, the Denver Bronco's quarterback who seemingly is known more for his praying than his playing. The national press has bombarded us with photos of Tebow down on one knee giving thanks to the guy upstairs for letting him complete a touchdown pass or other such nonsense. Are we then to assume that the big guy is a Broncos fan? That's sort of favoritism, isn't it? I would think that the Green Bay Packers would be more to a deity's liking. The thought that Vince Lombardi wouldn't have some sort of influence on holy fandom is just ridiculous!

This whole idea of thanking an imaginary person for "helping" you do something you actually did yourself had gotten out of control. From the Emmy Awards, to the Oscars, to the Grammys, performers and artists thank Jesus for their good fortune. Does anyone really think that a higher power helped them remember their lines in a movie, or look like a cool gang-banger is a music video? This is just nuts, and it's getting worse by the week.
Watch a NASCAR race sometime, and you'll wonder if you are in church. The long invocation each race begins with is unneeded. The Lord doesn't care if anyone wins the race or not, he has no money on it, nor does he have his own track. He does sponsor one car sometimes, at least that's what the graphics on it suggest. However, I don't think Jesus is in the stands wearing a mullet and a #3 jersey sipping beers, and eating brats. Nor does he drive his motor home to the track's infield to do a bit of tailgating before the race!

Religion is just fine, as long as you keep it to yourself. Believe what you want, but don't make a big production out of it. Think about the outrage if a Muslim player did the same thing as Tebow does. People would be rioting in the stands! You can bet the news media wouldn't replay the video over and over either. Personally, I would like to see a pagan quarterback make a great play, and then sacrifice a goat afterwards! Now that woulds be some fine TV!

The bottom line is that you're successful on your own.
No higher power does stuff for you, you've got to do it yourself. Sadly, if you screw up, there's no one to blame for that either. You're on your own in this life! Let's tone this whole thing down a bit. Because if we don't, one day we'll be watching the green flag drop at a NASCAR race and Darryl Waltrip will be encouraging drivers to "reach up and pull those bible belts tight, boys"!
Boogity, boogity, boogity, let's go prayin'!

A Thanksgiving Christmas

2011-12-02T06:22:00.001-08:00

Several posts ago, I related the story of the first Thanksgiving, and I kind of left the readers hanging. I thought I'd follow up with the rest of the story:

Flash back to just after the first Thanksgiving...

Victoria Secret is still running her bordello, and Snookie, jilted wife of Miles Standoffish, has joined the business. Snookie brings in a lot of wampum, and business is booming. The new world has indeed been good to Miss Secret!

Meanwhile, across the pond, a gathering takes place in an old German pub. Father Christmas, St. Nick, and Kris Kringle are huddled together in a hastily called meeting. It seems that there are not enough of them to serve Europe, and the newly founded nation, and none of them want to add a strange new land to their routes. There was no easy answer to this dilemma, and they argued long into the night. Suddenly, the door burst open, and in staggered a huge, drunk German man named Klaus. The obnoxious man pestered the men for spare change to buy more to drink. His unrelenting ranting finally gave them an idea! Why not send this lout to the new land to represent them? If he meets an untimely end, then they know it wasn't safe there in the first place. They asked his name, and he replied "Klaus". As they were also a bit tipsy, they heard it as "Claus". Father Christmas asked: "Claus, would you like a job where you can make enough to keep you liquored up?" Klaus straightened up and looked at them, and replied "JA!" Kris Kringle then said "I proclaim you Santa Claus", and they proceeded to pack him off to the new land.

When the newly appointed "Santa" arrived, he found no evidence of any taverns, bars or pubs. What's worse, he had been given a one way ticket! He was marooned in a strange land. Luckily for him, he discovered Victoria Secret's bordello, and went to pay a visit.

"I come down your chimney and leave you toys" shouted Claus. "No, you come through the door like everyone else and leave your money" yelled Victoria.
Santa was not to be deterred. However many of the young braves who were there for Snookie, were repulsed at the sight of a 300+ pound naked fat guy chasing poor Victoria around the parlor. Finally, Claus gave up, put his red suit back on, and left, falling asleep under a nearby tree.

That night, Victoria prayed for an intervention from above. She couldn't have this lout ruining her business! All at once, there was a flash of blinding light, and suddenly, a dozen short men stood before her. "We are the Elve Apostles, and we are here to help you out. There will be a hearing tomorrow, and we will decide the fate of this Santa Claus person".
While it appeared that the Elve Apostles were smiling at their intervention, they were really smiling at the fact that Victoria was wearing a very short nighty. "Piss off you little pervs" yelled Victoria, "I'll see you tomorrow!"

The next day, the meting convened in a lodge building donated by Chief Justice. The Elve Apostles argued back and forth over what to do with the jolly old sot. Towards the end of the day, they are hopelessly deadlocked, six for leaving him here, and six for sending him back home. "We need a tie-breaker cried the first Elf" "There is just no way we can decide this!"
Suddenly, the lights in the room dimmed until it was totally dark. Then a spotlight appeared, sweeping around the room, finally stopping and illuminating a lone figure. He was an Elf like the others, yet quite different. As he strode up to the podium, the spotlight made the rhinestones on his cape and jumpsuit sparkle. The crowded lodge broke into applause, while Snookie and Victoria swooned.

"Thank you, thank you very much" he said, as he peered over his wrap-around sunglasses. "I'm here to take care of business!" "I have made a decision, and you will no longer have to deal with this man." "I am condemning him to life at the North Pole, until such time as he can be properly exploited and capitalized upon." "One day, he will become a cash cow for corporations, and bring millions of people the joy that comes with the burden of massive debt." "He will be packaged, promoted, and pimped across the land!"
With that, the thirteenth elf vanished, leaving the room in a flash of light. As he was being led away, Klaus (or Claus) stared at his accuser pointing a finger at her yelling "HO, HO, HO!" Victoria smiled back, confident that her "business" would rebound after getting rid of the old fat guy.

So from that day forward, the American Santa has lived at the North Pole, and of course, the rest is history.
However, don't you wonder just who that thirteenth elf was...not even a little....?

Why it was Elf-vis, of course!!

Inter-NOT!

2011-12-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

We have just emerged from a near 24 hour Internet outage here. I'd love to say we came through unscathed, but that's hardly the case. It's like your train leaving from the station, as you watch it go. Funny how the entire world has evolved to embrace the technology.

Our ancestors pretty much lived and died within 25 miles of the place they were born. News from afar came in the form of letters from family members, or the local newspaper. Knowledge of happenings overseas was unheard of, and keeping up with the family meant a letter every year or so.

Things began to change with the invention of the radio, and eventually television. Yet, these were still passive devices. You were presented with programs that purported to be factual, but you never knew if it was indeed true. None the less, you were in touch with the whole world around you...the world just didn't know you were there.

With the advent of the personal computer, came new hardware to connect to others. Modems enabled you to subscribe to "Bulletin Boards" in other cities via the phone lines, and learn about other people's lives, thoughts and desires. Still, it was a one way street. If you posted something, you had to wait for someone to log on, read it, and reply.

The Commodore computer opened an entirely new chapter with the advent of Q-Link, a new computer service. With this program, you were able to chat LIVE with people around the nation! You could play games, trade recipes, or just keep up with your new found friends lives.
This amazing breakthrough went on to become AOL, which still exists today.

AOL brought us the fledgeling Internet. I'll never forget getting goosebumps as I passed through the so called "Internet Gateway" and merged onto the Information Superhighway! Lewis and Clark couldn't have been prouder of their discovery! I went to places I never imagined I'd visit, and saw things that I never thought I'd see. With the Internet, I became a citizen of the world.

30 years later, the Internet is woven into the fabric of our lives. We check E-Mail countless times a day, Tweet when we're down (or up for that matter), play games with people thousands of miles away, and share our lives with friends and family. They are available to us 24/7, and we cherish every moment! We meet people who share our interests, and become friends. We are actually able to "talk" to local celebrities, just as if they were family. We receive news as it happens, from multiple sources. We are truly global, and addicted citizens. Imagine losing that feeling for nearly 24 hours!

We have built our lives around the World Wide Web, and become attached to it. We can't seem to live without constant status updates, Tweets, and gossip.
Take that away, and you have a couple of lost sheep. Staring at the modem for hours on end, waiting for the green "Internet" light to come on seems downright silly, but the thrill when it finally does is truly enlightening!

Welcome back, world!

Following like Lemmings

2011-11-28T06:44:00.001-08:00

If you think about it, we're really a nation of sheep. We follow along with whatever nonsense we're indoctrinated with, never questioning what we hear, for we've heard it so often, we take it as factual.
Think back to childhood, when we had to learn the alphabet. It was taught to us by singing it over and over and over again. To this day, when you try to recite it, your first urge is to sing it. Pretty weird, isn't it? It represents mind control at it's best. You don't question the song, you simply believe it, learn it, and know it. Did we ever question the middle part of the song? What is an "Elemeno", and why are we obsessed with it's urine? Just how much "pee" does the Elemeno excrete? I thinks that's more important than learning the alphabet!

That mind-numbing repetition carries on through our adult life. We hear things so often, that we fail to examine them, merely accepting them as fact. Face it, "An apple a day" isn't necessary to keep the doctor away, because he's got a collection agency to hound you.

Since the last election, we have heard the lemmings..er..I mean people, ranting about the President being a Muslim (or as it's pronounce here. MOOOOSLUM). He's been called a Socialist, and his birth certificate has been called a fake. This is because of the glut of right-wing talk shows, spewing the seeds of discontent. The regular listeners of these shows hear these non-facts over and over until they become gospel truth to them. Then they go out and attempt to indoctrinate everyone they meet with their "knowledge". It's kind of sad that no one questions, or researches anything anymore, they just follow. This same policy worked to aid in the rise of the Nazi party prior to WW2. Tell people the same story long enough, and you possess their minds.

The truth is out there, but people are to lazy to look for it. They simply wander through life, listening to propaganda aimed directly at them, and believe it.

As for me, I'm in awe of what I see and hear, and want to learn more. I make my decisions, based on a compilation of facts, not singsong rhetoric. However, I do fear that darn Elemeno, and what damage he could do with all that pee!

The real story of the First Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T15:50:00.001-08:00

Centuries ago, the first illegal immigrants arrived on our shores. They were known as "Pilgrims" and landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620. Shortly thereafter, Plymouth Rock was discontinued, as was Pontiac Rock, Studebaker Rock, Oldsmobile Rock, and a host of others. That meant that the Pilgrims were stuck here.
Their leader, Miles Standoffish, came all the way from England to pursue the woman of his dreams, Victoria Secret. Miss Secret was the object of most of the mens desires, and poor Miles, didn't have much of a chance with her. Instead, he turned his attention to a Native American woman named Snookie. Snookie was as curvacious as a woman could be, and though she was no Victoria Secret, Miles pursued her constantly. Finally, he had to ask her father, Chief Justice for her hand. Chief Justice was supposedly an impartial judge of character, and consented to the union.

A huge feast was thrown to honor the newlyweds, and afterwards, they crept away for some private time. In a short while, it appeared that there was trouble in paradise. Miles had not yet followed up on his promises to Snookie. There was no house in the suburbs, no SUV in the driveway, and no unlimited shopping privileges. Poor Standoffish didn't realize that these things were still years away. Snookie ran home to Chief Justice in tears, claiming a breach of contract. The Chief consoled his daughter the best he could, and the next day, began working on a plan to get even.

The Chief decided to throw a huge feast, and invite the Pilgrims. There would be turkey, yams, mashed potatoes and vintage wine. (The Chief chose the good wine, because the Pilgrims were teetotalers, and wouldn't drink any). The tables were set, and the feast was laid out. Miles and Snookie were seated at the head of the table. Thanks was given for the bountiful harvest that the Native Americans had gathered (while the Pilgrims mostly spent their time following Victoria Secret around). Afterwards, the Chief produced a large pipe called a bong, and a ceremonial smoke was had. Little did the Pilgrims know, that what they had just smoked, would knock them silly!

While they were asleep, the Chief instituted part two of his plan. He had placed advertisements next to each pilgrim, proclaiming that the following day was "Black Friday", and they must shop. As they regained consciousness, the Pilgrims found the ads, and not wishing to offend the chief, rushed off in search of bargains. The chief had rounded up a slew of "merchants" and had them ready to sell cheap junk to the Pilgrims on credit. Miles and the gang bought the plan hook line and sinker! They bought a ton of useless junk, took it back home and tried to figure out what to do with it. A week later, the Chief had a young brave named Mail-eiman bring the bills for their purchases around to each of the Pilgrim's homes. Upon seeing the cost of what they bought, and knowing there was no way to repay it, they packed up their belongings, and headed back to England. Well, all except for Victoria Secret, who stayed on, and founded a brothel. She used to saunter by Chief Justice now and again, and he would point at her and yell: "Ho, Ho, HO!", which began another story of life in the New World, which must be told another time.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, Geritol, and Depends

2011-11-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it, I've always wanted to be a Rock and Roll star.
The life of fame and fortune sure looked a lot more fun than the mundane life of working for a living. World travel, groupies, and a life filled with luxuries seemed so cool to a teenager back then.

I couldn't believe my eyes when one day I stumbled across a photo of a person identified as David Lee Roth. "Diuamond Dave" as he was know was the front man for Van Halen, one of the 80's premiere rock bands. Roth had a swagger that was unmatched by most, and a presence on stage that was electrifying. Imagine my shock when I saw his "now" photo staring back at me!

Apparently, the "good life" is bad for you! To call Roth a "train wreck" almost seems like a complement! Now not all entertainers end up like this, but more than a few do. One of my favorite local bands, Black Oak Arkansas, has a front man, who like Roth, has lost his youthful presence. Jim "Dandy" Mangrum was the model for Roth's persona onstage. It's said that Eddie Van Halen video taped Mangrum's performance for Roth to copy. Now, they both look old and used up. The good life indeed!

I guess that all that wild excess, the parties, and such, have a negative effect on the human body. Too much fun isn't good for you, apparently!
While I wouldn't say I'm in better shape and a whole lot poorer, I guess I didn't do so bad after all!

8 is Enough Already!

2011-11-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

I turned on the news the other day, only to learn that the Duggar family from our fair state, was expecting yet another child. Why is this news, you might ask? Well the Duggars are a one family population explosion. They have 19 children as of now, and are expecting another.

Most "normal" families have roughly 2 children per household, and raising them to adulthood is a tough task indeed. Raising twenty is just insane!

The father, Jim Bob, (who's name is an embarrassment to those of us who live here) is in real estate, while the mother, Michelle, is stuck with raising the hoard. All the children's names begin with "J", which is weird in and of itself. I would imagine that with all those kids, they have to be running out of names pretty soon. May I offer: Jerry-Bob, Jezebel-Bob, and Junkyard-Bob?

The Duggar's religion suggests that the Lord is "planting" these children in Michelle, but we all know it ain't the Almighty that's been lifting her nighty! Supporting all those children has to be a real financial burden. Perhaps it's the Tooth Fairy doing the dirty deed, and leaving money under her pillow! After, food isn't cheap!

The family has discovered that all this birthing is a great way to make money. They do interviews, and sign autographs just like celebrities.
I still have a problem with the whole idea.

First off, home schooling 19 children makes for 19 children who know nothing about the real world. They are force-fed religious beliefs, political opinions, and whatever intolerance's the parents have. It's much like trying to clone yourself. The child grows up without the rich education of the real world. Despite all the warts on public education, at least a child meets others from different backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs. Understanding the world around us hinges on our understanding real life, not bible stories.

Forcing the older children to school the younger ones is also a bad idea. Once again, it's reinforcing what the parents believe and ignoring the world around them.

So Michelle will have yet another child soon, and go back to waiting for the lord to leave her "Oinkin' from the Boinkin'" one more time, and the family will go back on tour once again.

How is this different from the "Octomom"? Is there any difference in the two cases? Celebrity status only lasts so long, and while it's fun to stand in the spotlight, think about how the world is overcrowded as it is, and of the thousands of children who need adopting. One day the spotlight will fade, and they will be left struggling like any other family.

I would suggest that Jim-Bob put a lock on the bedroom door, to keep out all the interlopers. for if it ain't the Almighty next time, it might be Rodger the Lodger!

"The rain on Cain has proved to be a pain"

2011-11-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Meet Herman Cain, yet another of the Republican menagerie of candidates for the 2012 Presidential nomination. Cain has been doing well in the polls lately, but fittingly on Halloween, Cain's skeleton in the closet came out and introduced itself. Cain was at the helm of the Godfathers Pizza chain for some time, before selling it off. He was the head of an association of restaurant owners, when he made sexually offensive remarks to several women. I can only imagine what type of offensive remark he might have made. Did he offer them "Speedy Delivery", or offer to "Hold Their Anchovies"? We'll never know, since once a complaint was made by the women, they were offered a cash sum to keep quiet. First off, if you can afford to pay hush money, you're not representative of the rest of the population. The average citizen would have to own up to the incident, and try to make amends to the offended, not pay them to shut up. Cain attempted to deny the whole thing, and then admit to, perhaps a little wrongdoing. Later, he admitted to a bit more, while still proclaiming his innocence.

Cain is part of a growing number of people seeking the spotlight in the here and now, and not carefully checking their past. To put yourself under the microscope and not remember that skeleton in the closet is a recipe for disaster. If Cain hid this fact, were there others?

Look at John Edwards, another former Presidential candidate. Edwards had an affair that ended up with him "accidentally" getting a new daughter. At first he denied it, but as time passed, he finally admitted to his indiscretion.

Lying about a past incident, paying money to cover it up, then admitting that you might know something, before finally admitting your involvement, is political suicide. Any candidate has to look at their past, before they can look to their future

So tell us Herm, what else did you do.....inquiring minds want to know!

Just remember the words of that famous "Georgia Satellites" song:

"Don't give me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself"!

It's good advice for All candidates!

Occupation Consternation

2011-10-28T06:45:00.001-07:00

The news has been buzzing for weeks now about the "Occupy Wall Street" protests. People from all walks of life have joined together all across the country to say "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any longer"! The main focus of these groups, is the banking industry which, after causing a devastating recession, cried poor, and got bailed out by the Bush White House. After receiving a huge infusion of cash, they went right back to business as usual, giving executives huge bonuses for actually causing the nation's woes. Not many of the regular working folks get a bonus for screwing up.

What's more, the fact that so many of the wealthy pay little or no tax, leaving the rest of the working class to carry the burden. The protestors have a right to peacefully assemble to argue their grievances, but it doesn't seem like some cities want to let them.
There have been hundreds of arrests, and clashes with police where tear gas and rubber bullets were used. It sure doesn't seem like constitutional rights hold water anymore.

You can liken this to the Vietnam war protests in the 1960's. The idea of being in a totally unjustified war was not taken well by those who had to fight it. Protests sprang up all over the country, just as they have now. What is ironic (or moronic) if you will, is that the same generation that protested the war, and all the corporations that grew rich making a profit from it, are now the CEO's and executives that are living the high life. I guess that justice for all goes by the wayside once you get fat with cash!

Worse yet, the representatives (a key word here) in the house and congress, have been chastising the protestors for their outrage. They've been working to get more tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% of Americans, and adding more tax to the working mans burden.

I believe that legislators were elected to represent the voters who elected them, not spew hatred towards them. Does corporate America really run this country? Are elections just shams to help the rich get richer?

I have to wonder if perhaps people have finally seen through the smoke, mirrors, and bullshit that is our political system. Is Occupy our new representative form of expression? Perhaps they should leave Wall Street, and Occupy Congress! Take that, Teabaggers!!

"In The Beginning......"

2011-10-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

For decades now, I have heard the biblical rant that we are created in "The Big Guy's" image. I've always wondered just how that could be justified. We are a diverse world, full of different Nationalities, personalities, and races. The biblical reference insinuates that there is just one group that wins the prize and I've got a problem with that!

Think back to the Noah's Ark fable, where two of each species in the animal kingdom were forced to board a crappy wooden boat (with no room service, bathrooms, or lounges) and float, un-powered, for 40 days and 40 nights. I wonder about the people who didn't look like Noah. Were there Chinese on board, or Eskimos, Native Americans, or Blacks? If there were, did they have to spend their time in the hold with the animals, while Noah and his family relaxed by the pool in First Class? Did they have to serve the drinks, or clean up after all the animals, or even row the boat?

If these folks were not invited on this grand tour, then just exactly how did they come to be? Were there other deity's that did the same thing for the individual ethnic groups?

Were there lots of "Big Guys"?

This could provide an interesting insight into evolution. We already know of the Caucasian version of life, but what about the rest of the population?

Imagine a deity who creates Asians in his image. Call him Chung King, if you will. He sends his people to, of all places, ASIA! What a smart guy! They live and do Asian stuff, until the Whites come in and declare them savages.

Native Americans are another group that need a deity. Call him Tonto, if you will. Under Tonto, the culture thrives, and the people learn to cultivate crops, and live off the land. They are happy as they are, and know nothing of greed and distrust.
Of course, the White Man moves in, finds gold, and kicks them off the land they've lived on for centuries.

And the blacks, what of them? Their deity would be a bit like James Brown, the Godfather of Soul. They too lived off the land, minded their own business, and survived for thousands of years in Africa. Of course, the white man came along and screwed this up as well. Needing slaves, they dragged the blacks out of the bush, and took all their freedoms away, in order to have someone get them a drink when needed.

The bottom line here is that all the biblical crap about kindness, and understanding is just that; CRAP! The world belongs to those that can BS the best, and that honor belongs to the Christians. They seem to have the right to call the rest of the world "savages", while they continue to slaughter millions who don't hold to their beliefs.

Is humanity any better off having an imaginary dude (or dudes) calling the shots? Can different people just be themselves, without retribution? Are there other lifeforms in the universe that one day will force us all to do things "their way"?
It's frightening that, perhaps, we might get treated as we've treated others.

Wouldn't our deity be pissed??

If it quacks like a duck, then it must be a doctor

2011-10-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

With all the talk of the debt crisis these days, nothing seems to generate more debt than a trip to the hospital. All this "caregiver" stuff isn't done because they care about the patient, just the patient's money.

Last June, Carol became ill, ill enough to warrant a trip to the emergency room at our local hospital. After blood work, an X-ray, and a urine sample were taken, we were left to wait for someone to tell us what was wrong. Finally, a doctor showed up to give us an educated guess and a prescription. When asked what the X-ray showed, he allowed he didn't see it. I thought "oh well, that's just part of doctoring", and didn't give it another thought.

Since we have hospital insurance, it came as a surprise to me that we couldn't leave without a cash payment of $100. We were told it had something to do with the deductible, and apparently, the hospital wanted to get some money right away.

Since the initial $100 screwing on June 22, we have continued getting bills from the assorted medical people for varying amounts, the last one coming yesterday, concerning a doctor who's name we didn't even recognize! For nearly four months, there has been a parade of cheery little bills for the things that we thought the insurance would cover.

It's odd that an "umbrella organization" like a hospital wouldn't roll up all the costs into just one single bill, but I suppose each person that even thought about doing something is entitled to make some quick cash. Even the unknown doctor is now looking for some. We figure that in all, we have spent nearly $400 for a two hour trip to the ER, a trip that was covered by insurance. I have to wonder why. What would the charges have been had we not been insured, or worse yet, were penniless? Would the hospital be happy with an I.O.U.? I don't think so!

I suppose it all boils down to the "Haves" VS the "Have Nots". While they spend their idle hours sitting in their lakeside palaces, the rest of us poor slobs sit home wondering how we're going to pay the next bill. It sure doesn't seem fair to me!

Oh wait, here's another couple of bills that came in the mail today. Funny, I don't remember seeing Marcus Welby, or Dr. Kildare, but they want their money..................STAT!

Fair Share?

2011-10-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

While it's been a while since I've posted anything, it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about the state of the nation.

There is a movement afoot, to make the country's wealthiest citizens actually pay their fair share. Of course, there is a lot of backlash to this idea....mostly from the wealthy and their supporters. After all, let's face it, $1 million a year just doesn't go as far as it used to.

If this legislation passes, hedge fund managers, professional athletes, and other wealthy individuals would have to pay as much as their servants do. The consequences of this would be far reaching indeed.
Given the fact that the country was built by slavery, it seems unpatriotic that we would force a fair tax on those that provide the jobs. Servants, gardeners, and general household help all have jobs, thanks to the generosity of the rich. As they are, for the most part, illegal citizens, they can be paid far less than the minimum wage. The idea that servants should make more than that, goes against the very tenets of our society.

Forcing the wealthy to pay their fair share would cause havoc in their ranks. Imagine a millionaire not being able to buy his fourth seaside mansion, having to actually drive himself to an important meeting, or having to mow his own lawn. There is a long established rule that the wealthy don't have to suffer, due to their campaign contributions. Must the wealthiest Americans have to live like the rest of us, or will they once again, be able to gain the perks they so richly deserve?
It would be wise for all Americans to contribute any extra cash to those that take us for granted, for if we don't, the economy will collapse, and the wealthy will take it out on us!

Heaven help the rich bitches!!

The Lord Sayeth WHAT??

2011-07-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

I happened to be watching the news the other morning, and saw a video clip about a new translation of the Bible. Apparently, some people are upset that there is any other translation other than the King James version, with all the "thee's, thou's, and that sort of thing. I would contend that if you're going to read something like that, it should be in modern language to keep you at least semi-interested in what you are reading
After all, when you are sitting in a restaurant, does the waitress ask "wouldst thou like another Diet Coke?" Of course not! The "Kings English" is ancient history anymore, and language has evolved considerably since the days of yore.

The problem with today's English, is that there are now several "versions" of it. There is the language most of us speak, and "Ebonics", spoken by many blacks. Ebonics is a more colorful way of speaking, and usually more profane than everyday English.

So, my question is: When will they translate the Bible into Ebonics? It might take a while, due to the changes in some of the phrases from time to time, but it would be an interesting endeavor. To test this theory, I have translated an old Bible story about Moses and the burning bush. It goes as follows:

Da Book ob Cleophus, Chapter sebben, verse foty sebben

Moses be stylin' through de desert on foot, because his Broham done got jacked. De sun be shinin' down on him, and he be jonesin' fo a foty or two to cool his ass down. All of a sudden, he done sees a burnin' bush in front ob he ass. He be fussin' ober dat bush when a loud voice be callin' he name.

Lord: "Moses, wat up dawg? Don't be no pussy, walk through dat bush!
Moses: "Who dat??"
Lord: "It am me, dawg, I da Lord!
Moses: "Is you shittin' me dog, 'cuz if you is, I'll pop a cap in yer ass"
Lord: "No dawg, it be me, now come on and walk through dat fire!"
Moses: "So you really da big pimp?"
Lord: "I'm sayin"!
Moses: "No shit?"
Lord "I da man, dawg!" "I gotcho ass, dawg, do it"
Moses: "Dat fire hotter dan a five dolla ho!"
Lord: "C'mon, dawg, I ain't got all day, Soul Train be on soon"
Moses: "Okay, if you da big pimp, den you don't be shittin, so here I goes"!

Moses be wakin' thu da fire, and burn he feet to shit.....

Moses: "Damn, Big Pimp, you wuz jivin' me! Now I gotta jack me anudder car, 'cuz I sho can't walk nowhere!"
Lord: "Fool, you da third one I done got today!!"

So you see, Bible translation can be done in Ebonics as well, and quite colorfully at that. I would bet that old King James would love it!

Prescription Conniption!

2011-06-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

Years ago, my first job was working at a drug store some distance from my home. My job consisted of stocking shelves, ordering stock, and waiting on customers. There were times when I would assist the pharmacist when he was filling prescriptions. He would read the "'script", find the medicine called for, and then count out the pills and put them in a container. Lastly, he would type up the label on an old typewriter, affix the label to the container, and either call the customer to pick the prescription up, or have me deliver it. In all, the entire process took roughly 5 minutes, from start to finish. These were the days before computers, where everything was done by hand. The store kept a good stock of medicine, and at the time, there were few new treatments available. Everything was tried and true, and was dispensed quickly and efficiently.

Fast forward to 2011. I recently had to obtain a prescription from our local WalMart pharmacy. We have our prescription coverage card on file there, so we usually use them. I handed the "'script" to the clerk, and was told there would be a half hour wait. I thought that wasn't too bad, owing to the fact that is was approaching a weekend, and people needed their medicine before going off traveling or whatever. Seconds before I left the counter, the clerk told me I could "shop until it was time to pick up my medicine". I left, as I really did have a few things to pick up, and returned about 30 minutes later. There were a number of people in line by that time, waiting for their medicines. Nothing seemed to be happening, until an employee came out to check on who was waiting (I swear she had a name tag like "Crayola" or something!). Eventually, I got the medicine and checked out. The entire process had taken closer to 45 minutes. Still, I had obtained what I needed, and was glad to be headed home.

A few days later, I once again had to pick up medicine at WalMart. When I arrived, there was no one waiting, no one ahead of me. I figured that it would be a quick and painless trip. Was I ever wrong! I was told it would be 45 minutes to an hour before my pills would be ready. Once again, I was told I could shop until it was time to pick them up. After 40 minutes, I headed back to the counter, only to be told that the pills weren't ready yet, and I could shop until they were. Was this a joke? If I left the store to shop somewhere else would I be punished? I returned to the bench in front of the pharmacy to wait, while I watched "The People of WalMart" parade by. Finally, after over an hour, my pills were ready to pick up.

As I was sitting there on the hard steel bench, my mind wandered back to the days of old, before computer efficiency, when a single pharmacist could fill multiple prescriptions in short order, and do it correctly to boot! What has happened? Is the world slowing down as we age faster, or has technology thrown a roadblock in the path of progress?

Yes, there seems to be a bit more to filling a prescription these days, but hell it's still just counting pills. How hard can that be? Is it all about serving the customers, or milking them for every last cent? You've got to wonder........!

The Need for ...GREED!

2011-05-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

Yet another season of auto racing has begun, and, like the last one, it's not about competition, but about the money. Oddly enough, we have also seen the 100th running of the Indianapolis 500 this year. What is great about this is that the first winner of the race, Ray Haroun is well documented in text and photographs. The quintessential photo of him in his car, the Marmon Wasp, shows a man with an extra ordinary smile. It's part smile, part smirk. Why? Because he won the race, and enjoyed doing so.

Today's sports figures are in it for the money. No thrill of competition, no glory of being the best, it's all about the Benjamins. It's sad to see a competitive sport on any level become just a means of making money. The thrill of victory gives way to the thrill of a six-figure salary. Is this what our forefathers envisioned? What ever happened to competition, just for the sake of competing? Nearly all professional sports have become huge cash-intensive endeavors. The price of tickets to these events has climbed so high that the average fan can't afford to attend.

NASCAR is the poster boy for this trend. For several years now, race attendance has dwindled. Is it perhaps that the ticket prices are too high, or is it the constant barrage of merchandise (all NASCAR branded) that assaults attendees? It seems that the only thing that's important is making money.
For example, the just completed All-Star race was not marketed as a race itself, but as a "Who's going to win the million dollars?" event. Is the cash that important?

Think back to when we were young, and played games for the fun of it. Baseball, football, basketball were not compensated in any way other than the good time you had, and bragging rights You had no lawyer to protest the fact that you weren't chosen to play first base. You just went out there and did it for the fun of it.

That spirit still exists in the thousands of Softball leagues, beer leagues, and other such endeavors. People playing for the fun of it, no huge cash payouts, just fun. Perhaps if professional sports would follow that philosophy, the fans would start to return. Or, have the fans had enough?

The End??

2011-05-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

The right wing Christian nutjobs have somehow figured out that Saturday, May 21st is the day the world as we know it, ends. Why a Saturday, and not a Sunday is beyond me. However, they believe that Christ is going to show up on that day, and take only "the good people" off the Earth and into Heaven. Why not on a weekday?

I envision this event like some sort of a dark drama. The background music is the Doors song "The End" J.C. would be dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt, with a pack of Camels rolled up in the sleeve, and one lit cigarette dangling from his lip. He would perhaps be wearing leather chaps, and motorcycle boots to further flesh out this fantasy. His hair styled in a duck tail, beard shaved clean. He walks with a swagger, one hand clutching the motorcycle jacket tossed over his shoulder. Much like Santa Claus, he must go to every home. Also like Santa, he knows if you're naughty or nice! Of course you want to leave something out for his arrival, but I don't think that milk and cookies are going to fill the bill. Perhaps a 6-pack of Becks, and a carton of Camels would be the choice for the devout, while a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and a half eaten bag of generic potato chips, would suffice for those that haven't been so good. After all, if the guy's gonna send you to hell, you sure don't want to waste your good beer on him!

The real dilemma here is that people in other countries don't see this as a valid event. Only American crackpots believe this will happen. Does this mean that if you leave the country on Friday, and come back on Sunday, you skate? How cool would that be?

And how do you determine who's going? Looking back at the "10 Suggestions", nearly all the "devout Christians" are kicked off the bus, for failure to obey them. Republicans, as a rule are such dicks that they wouldn't be invited either. That leaves just a handful of "good" people holding tickets! This hardly seems like J. C.'s trip would be worth the bother. Would the people in other countries laugh at our plight? Would they send foreign aid to us poor slobs? Would the "Big Guy" shaft us like that?

You have to wonder where this idea came from, but then again you have to laugh at all the so-called "Devout" that think they are better than the rest of us. We're all in this world together, and depend on each other to make our way. If anything, the common people who admittedly aren't perfect would be the chosen ones. All you "Holier Than Thou" folks had better stock up on Marshmallows for the afterlife!

The 10 suggestions

2011-04-15T13:44:00.001-07:00

Recently, there have been rumblings in many states about Sharia law. These laws, used in Islamic countries, dictate just how people must live their lives. The fear here in good old US of A is that these laws may end up displacing our customary laws based on "The 10 Suggestions". Now we've always heard that these were "commandments", carved in stone, and carried down a mountainside by a grubby looking, white haired old guy dressed in sheets. Was he the first Klansman? No, he was called Moses (Jones, Smith, what??) and did a great job lugging these stone behemoths down the mountainside.
But commandments? I don't think so, people take them more as suggestions!

Let's face it, modern man has no time, nor inclination to follow these laws. We'd all rather just quote them when necessary, and then ignore them. For example: "Don't steal". It seems pretty straightforward, but if you look at politicians these days, they are in effect stealing your money, getting paid to do unto you, and not the big campaign donors. Or how about the one about coveting your neighbor's goods? How would corporate America survive without consumer envy? Would we buy new cars, homes, or anything else if we didn't lust after it? Hell, that one's followed by coveting your neighbor's wife; you can't do that either! All those years we had that poster of Farrah Fawcett in our bedrooms, dens, and garages, should, by all rights, condemn us to a pretty toasty afterlife.

Face it, the whole thing is a pain in modern man's ass! Keep the Lord's day holy now means watch football, baseball, NASCAR, play golf, and offering up a cold one or two, to the big guy. That's good enough! And the one about killing? Sheesh, how could we have any wars, murders, and gang banging if folks followed that suggestion? No concealed carry of firearms, no amassing of dozens of hand guns, rifles, and automatic weapons! Oh, and the "bearing false witness" one would effectively end politicians careers, as they can't seem to ever tell the truth. No we don't need to heed any of this crap, just spout it when the time is right, and sound like devout, upstanding people.

Heaven forbid if Muslim law, based on religion, were to take hold in this country! Why some states, in mortal fear of any other religion, have enacted laws to make following religious law null and void in a court of law. Oklahoma has passed just such a law. Now here's the rub, it makes the 10 Suggestions null and void too!

Those brainless buffoons have in their stupidity,made murder, stealing, and lying legal (and not just for the politically connected)! In their great fear of anything that isn't white, or Christian, they have in effect, negated their own religious teachings. Thank goodness the Big Guy was just kidding when he made up that stone tablet!

Way to go, Oklahoma!

I've seen the future....and I'm scared!

2011-03-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

I know I'm always making fun of the Doomsday Believers, the people who think the "New World Order" will take over, and those kooky folks that believe that the Federal government can cause an earthquake with radio waves. I mean, it just sounds wacky to hear these theories based on nothing more than imagination..that is 'till I had a dream....

We had watched the movie "Get Smart" recently, (My favorite TV show when I was younger) and for some reason, i had a dream about the comedy film. While I don't remember much about the dream itself, I do remember seeing "Hymie the Robot" just before I woke up. As I lay there trying to lose the fog that surrounded my poor little mind, I thought to myself Hymie the ANDROID. All of a sudden, my mind became a whirl of activity. The fetid swamp that is my brain started to put together a few facts, and a pattern came out.

It just so happens that Google created an operating system called Android. Google, as you know, has darn near every bit of information in the known universe on it's servers, all of it processable in micro-seconds. Plus, Google has created, and is testing an automobile that is completely driver free, it can make decisions based on information from sensors, and from data from Google. Could the next step possibly be a real life android?

I would imagine a meeting with the latest Google creation would go something like this:

A middle aged woman hurries through a shopping mall, trying to purchase something before work. In her haste, she runs into a handsome looking man, and he catches her just before she falls.

MAN: Hello, I tried to move out of your way, but failed. Are you alright?
WOMAN: Yes I'm fine. I guess I didn't see you there.
MAN: That's quite alright. Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Andy Droid, the latest Google creation.
WOMAN: You're a robot?? Wow, you sure are good looking! My name's Jane,
Jane Smith.
ANDY: (through the magic of his 4G interface, Andy streams information from
the Google servers). I'm pleased to meet you!
Andy: You do look a bit different than your Facebook profile photo.
Jane: How did you happen to see my photo?
Andy: As I said before I'm a Google android, and I have access to all your
information
Jane: Wow, that's amazing! I must admit that I have had some work done
and it has changed my appearance a little. Just minor stuff, really.
Andy: Yes, I'm reading your medical records here, and I see you've had your
nose done, had liposuction on your thighs, and had your boobs enlarged.
Jane: (blushing) What??!!
Andy: (laughing) I see you've also had your butt lifted. By the price they charged
you, they must have had to use some heavy equipment to do it!
Jane: (Turning red) That's a little too much personal information!
Andy: Nonsense! Besides, you'll look great in that little outfit you just ordered
online from Victoria's Secret! Of course, Tyra Banks looked better in it!
Jane: OK, that's enough; Goodbye!
Andy: Nice to meet you Jane Smith. By the way, your husband Frank won't be
home for dinner tonight. His secretary Miss Jenkins just reserved a table
and room for the two of them at the Chez Burger for this evening. You should see what she's
wearing!
Jane storms away in a total rage, while Andy waits for another encounter!

We know that our online life, and any portion of it that's transmitted electronically, isn't safe from the prying eyes of Google.
Now I don't want to sound like a nutjob, but if they can build a car that doesn't need people to do it's thing, how long before they can can create an android, and take over the world???

Think about it!!

Covert Oops

2011-02-25T06:49:00.000-08:00

Rumors are rampant on the Internet, concerning all manner of Government subjugation of the people, and establishment of a "New World Order" All these ideas usually make their way to YouTube, where they are presented as "facts". Years ago, people who dreamed up weird things like this were considered to be paranoid, and isolated from the real world. Now thanks to the Internet, they have found fellowship with all the other kooks, loons, and schizoids out there!

We hear talk of the HARRP radio array in Alaska being used for mind control, and also to force an earthquake along the New Madrid fault. Why, would the government do this? The kooks blame "The New World Order" for all of this and more. They fear a takeover is in the offing, and we will all become slaves, or subjugated in some way. Of course this has about the same chance of happening as a rabid unicorn from space eating all your Cheetos, but they believe!

In the interest of debunking this nonsense, I decided to use my Government clearance to get deep inside the issue. What I have found is shocking!
Super secret documents have been passed to me via packages of "Quick He Leaks"tm male undergarments. The Federal has been using male incontinence products innocently stocked on store shelves to pass on information. Microfilm, and computer chips are inserted into the packages by spies, and then the undergarments are purchased by other agents made up to look like older males. I recently purchased several of these packages, disguised as an older male, and obtained the documents from them. Rather than discarding the surrounding product, I have found them great for soaking up oil leaks under my pickup. It took thousands of hours to sift through the information, but I will boil it all down to a few paragraphs.

The H.A.R.R.P. array was not built by the U.S, but by the New World Order. It was designed to communicate with the Massive Orbital Radiation Optimization Network (MORON) satellites orbiting above the US. They are thought to cause widespread unrest, and to have triggered uprisings in Egypt, Libya, and Madison Wisconsin. The front group for all of this is the T.E.A. (Terroristic European Alliance) Party. Long known for their thought control tactics, they have expanded their efforts through the use of chemicals in jet contrails (ICE or Intelligence Cancelling Emollients), while the M.O.R.O.N. network beams down mind altering waves from above. Coincidentally, the satellites use the same frequency as the Fox News Network. The TEA Party works in close contact with the network, in fact supplying them with personnel.

The second prong of this attack on America is the use of automatons that mingle with the general public, repeating their masters words. These automatons, built by the Mackenzie brothers in their labs on the grounds of the Elsinore Brewery in Canada, have already been put in place. The first test of one of their creations actually was elected President! B.U.S.H. (Bureaucratic Unpopular Sub-Human) went on to set the machinery in motion to welcome the next creation. This new automaton was crafted from electronics, bionics, and moose droppings and code named Sarah.This second effort was coined the G.U.M.P. project, or "Government Undermining Mechanical Portrayal"
As the campaign broadens, GUMP and TEA will continue to deceive Americans, and turn them against each other. From secret bunkers in Alaska, they will trigger massive earthquakes in the New Madrid and other fault zones, killing millions.
After triggering the super volcano in Yellowstone, the remaining citizens will be rounded up, and forced into slave labor camps. Only the wealthiest will be protected from the TEA.

There is good news though, the Federal Government has a plan in place to stop this before it gets too far. It's already in effect here and officials are confident that the TEA and GUMP will fail, and that Americans will be once again safe from mind control tactics. The program is called "OBAMA" which is short for "Oh Boy, A Magnificent American". OBAMA will return America to the middle class, and destroy the New World Order. The GUMP eventually is thought to be considering a new reality show, and steps are being taken to keep this from happening.

Let's hear it for the good guys!!

Bowl Me Over

2011-02-06T08:28:00.000-08:00

The "Super Bowl", one of the most hyped sporting events ever imagined, takes place tonight. The frenzy has been building for weeks now, first with the playoffs for a chance to play in the game, and then with the hundreds of news reporters filling the city where the game will be held, in this case, Arlington Texas. There are news reports on the teams, and the individual players, and then reports on the commercials that will air during the broadcast, and that folks, is the giveaway. This isn't a football game, it's a cash cow! For example, look at the cost of tickets on the street right now. People wouldn't hesitate to spend $2000 for a single ticket to the big game in a distant city, but would never pay anything close to watch their team play at home. All the hype makes this worth it. I suppose a chance to get drunk in the stands while millions of television viewers look on is just too good to pass up.

But the real hook here is the money to be made. The Super Bowl hasn't always existed. The first game was played in 1967 at the Los Angeles Coliseum featuring the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs. The Packers went on to win it in front of a less than sellout crowd by a score of 35-10. The die was cast for the future! The hype machine went into full production mode, and over the years, has resulted in millions in revenue for the league, advertisers, teams, and players.

But is this really a "Super Bowl"? Are teams from beyond our borders ever considered? Much like the "World Series", only American teams are able to play. This makes the whole idea of the game seem sort of patriotic, and buying the endless stream of products pitched at you during the course of the telecast, seem like your duty. Somehow, you're considered to be some sort of anarchist if you're not sitting there watching the game with a Bud in one hand, and the other hand in a bag of Doritos, while bragging about your new GoDaddy account. It's not about the football, it's about the Benjamins!

NASCAR has the same thing going on, but in reverse. The "Season Opener" is held just after the Super Bowl, at the Daytona International Speedway. The media buzz for this event begins just after the last race of the previous season. All the hype, the endless commercials are there, but with a different formula. Instead of a fan having a home team, attending the games, and being loyal to that team only, NASCAR fans have a driver they follow, and often attend the race at different venues across the country. This way the cash gets spread around to different track owners, vendors, and even different cities. NASCASH oops, I meant NASCAR has used the same formula for the hype, but a different formula to chose the winner. Instead of just winning a game, or in this case a race, they have instituted a points system, where drivers are given points for everything from leading a lap, to leading the most laps, to not soiling themselves after a big wreck. After a nearly full season, the top 12 drivers lose their points, and start over, completing 10 more races to finally chose a winner. It is possible to never win a race, but win the championship! WTF? Is this competition? No, of course not, it's marketing!

In the end, there is always a winner, and the glory that goes with it. A nice Super Bowl ring, or NASCAR trophy are tangible reminders of victory, but to the owners, leagues, and advertisers, it doesn't really matter who wins, it matter who pays! Sad, ain't it?

So who do you like in today's Lingerie Bowl?

"Watch Out For That Treeeeeeee!"

2011-01-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a cartoon series that featured a handsome, but rather dumb character called "George of the Jungle". George wasn't the sharpest when it came to swinging from the jungle's vines, in fact he usually miscalculated, and swung smack dab into a tree. In fact the show's theme songs lyrics always included the line "Watch out for that tree!" In the end, he somehow got the situation under control, and saved the day.

The reason I mentioned George, happens to be a viral video going around right now, featuring a woman in a shopping mall texting while walking. She's so wrapped up in what she's doing, that she fails to see a fountain in her path, and promptly falls into it. She emerges from the water, seemingly unscathed, and proceeds to pick up her phone from the watery depths, and walk away (dripping wet) looking none the worse for the experience. Cathy Cruz Marraro of Reading PA became an overnight sensation by falling into the water, but the security personnel at the Berkshire Mall should really get the credit here. They posted the video to YouTube, and the rest, as they say, is history. On the video, you can hear the security people laughing and giggling as they replay the tape over and over again. Like George, this klutz is the victim of her own miscalculation, and ends up in the water.

Most people would be content to laugh off the video, and perhaps lay low until the sensation wears off, but not Ms. Marraro. She hired a lawyer, and threatened to sue Berkshire Mall's security force for not aiding her. Personally, if I worked security there, I would have gotten on the PA system and yelled "Hey Flipper, get outta the pool!" Then again, that's just me. She claimed that the "video watched 'round the world" made her look foolish (Really?), and since she worked at the mall, subjected her to taunts from coworkers. Though she's not looking for monetary damages, she does want an apology from the mall. "Gosh Cathy, we're really, really sorry we put that fountain where you wanted to walk".

Mind you, the video never shows a face, even though we see it from two angles. There really is no proof that the texting twit actually was her. But she insisted it indeed was her, and she wanted some sort of compensation for her now world famous dive. Appearing on ABC's "Good Morning America", she railed against the mall security for not coming to her aid, or at least not checking to see if she injured herself. She appeared near tears at some points during the interview, and I'm sure a lot of people felt genuine sympathy for her. Not me.

First off, the video was anonymous, no one appeared to see it happen, and she just walked away without there ever being a clear shot of her face. Secondly, the tears she shed on the show looked to be forced. Had there been a bullshit detector in the studio, I have no doubt it would have gone off. She could have been auditioning for the job of Speaker of the House (sorry Mr. Boner) they were so phony! The show ended, and nothing more was mentioned , but the story doesn't end quite yet.

It seems that right after the show, MS. Marraro and her lawyer had a court appearance on something totally unrelated to her infamous flop. It seems that she was charged in October 2009, of stealing a co-worker's credit cards, and buying over $5000 worth of merchandise with them. Not to mention her previous theft charges, and a hit and run charge. Ms. Marraro apparently has some splainin' to do here. Was this a scam to extort money from Berkshire Mall? Is this whole thing just for a quick cash payment, while the real victim dries out? We may never know, but we learned the dangers of texting and doing nearly anything. Oh yeah, we got a good laugh as well!

So, as George of the Jungle sails head first into a waiting tree, and Cathy Marraro falls into a waiting fountain, I mist bid you all adieu, but not before you watch the video again!