Anal Iced Bible

2 Samuel 1

2012-01-25T18:00:00.002Z

   ¹Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag;
   ²It came even to pass on the third day, that, behold, a man came out of the camp from Saul with his clothes rent, and earth upon his head: and so it was, when he came to David, that he fell to the earth, and did obeisance.

That means bowing, showing subservience, not anything to do with being a porker

   ³And David said unto him, From whence comest thou? And he said unto him, Out of the camp of Israel am I escaped.
   ⁴And David said unto him, How went the matter? I pray thee, tell me. And he answered, That the people are fled from the battle, and many of the people also are fallen and dead; and Saul and Jonathan his son are dead also.
   ⁵And David said unto the young man that told him, How knowest thou that Saul and Jonathan his son be dead?
   ⁶And the young man that told him said, As I happened by chance upon mount Gilboa, behold, Saul leaned upon his spear; and, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him.
   ⁷And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called unto me. And I answered, Here am I.
   ⁸And he said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite.
   ⁹He said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me.
   ¹⁰So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord.

So this Amelekite is claiming he slew Saul and yet 1 Samuel 4 states clearly that Saul took his own life. Perhaps he couldn't even do that properly and this lad is telling the truth.

   ¹¹Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him:
   ¹²And they mourned, and wept, and fasted until even, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the LORD, and for the house of Israel; because they were fallen by the sword.
   ¹³And David said unto the young man that told him, Whence art thou? And he answered, I am the son of a stranger, an Amalekite.
   ¹⁴And David said unto him, How wast thou not afraid to stretch forth thine hand to destroy the LORD's anointed?

   ¹⁵And David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died.

There's gratitude for you.

   ¹⁶And David said unto him, Thy blood be upon thy head; for thy mouth hath testified against thee, saying, I have slain the LORD's anointed.

In other words "It's your fault you showed compassion and honesty".

   ¹⁷And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son:

I somehow doubt David gave a fuck about Saul, Johnathan however would have been a different matter.

   ¹⁸(Also he bade them teach the children of Judah the use of the bow: behold, it is written in the book of Jasher.)
Those of you that were here at the beginning will remember me starting a book called "The Book Of Jasher" I stopped as it's provenence is doubtful however it can be found here. If it is genuine, in places it is mind blowing.

   ¹⁹The beauty of Israel is slain upon thy high places: how are the mighty fallen!
   ²⁰Tell it not in Gath, publish it not in the streets of Askelon; lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph.
   ²¹Ye mountains of Gilboa, let there be no dew, neither let there be rain, upon you, nor fields of offerings: for there the shield of the mighty is vilely cast away, the shield of Saul, as though he had not been anointed with oil.
   ²²From the blood of the slain, from the fat of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan turned not back, and the sword of Saul returned not empty.
   ²³Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided: they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions.

Is this a case of "not speaking ill of the dead". The Saul I read of was a inept vindictive cunt whose focus in life was to bring about Davids death.

   ²⁴Ye daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you in scarlet, with other delights, who put on ornaments of gold upon your apparel.
   ²⁵How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! O Jonathan, thou wast slain in thine high places.
   ²⁶I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.

Now what was that again about god not liking teh gay remember that folks the next time someone gives you the leviticus argument.
²⁷How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!

1 Samuel Recap

2012-01-24T16:49:00.005Z

I actually enjoyed reading this book, although you wouldn't think so seeings how long it took.

So we start this book with the familiar tale of a barren woman,married to an old man. We know she is the infertile one in the relationship as there is another wife with children. There is no mention whether these children look more like “uncle Abu Ben Fucker” or their “father”

After “visiting” the local priest and his sons, the barren wife is found unconscious as if drunken and then the following day miraculously conceives as she does after every following annual visit.

The legitimate sons of Eli the priest are greedy and known for taking whatever they fancy.

Eli takes her first-born under his wing and teaches him the priestly duties as he did with his own sons.

As the years go by young Sam hears de lard whispering sweet nothings as he spends nights staying with his ~~grandad~~ mentor.

We then get into a war with the Philistines with a smattering of prophesy and fables thrown in to blame the pasting the Israelites get on Eli and his sons that are all dead after the battle. Eli died after falling off his chair.

During this battle the Philistines capture the fabled ark the Israelites are apparently more upset about losing their magic box than they are about losing their friends and relatives.

The Philistines are struck with piles, supposedly as a punishment from de lard. Strange how after proving himself by being a pain in their collective arses they do not bow down and worship him. The result of this, is for the Philistines utilising the foremost science and medicine of the time. Throw the ark, accompanied by some mice and haemorrhoids made of gold into a cart drawn by some ex heifer's, then release them. I wonder whether that's where the phrase “Having piles of gold come from.”

The cows take the Ark to the Levites who upon receipt of de lards box are rewarded by de lards gratitude with 50,000 dead.(20,000)more than those that died when they lost the Ark). We must however remember maths are not the scribes strong point.

Twenty years down the line Sam still has his invisible friend and decides the Israelites must stop worshipping Baalim(gods) and Ashteroth(Mrs de lard) To do this he calls all the Israelites together. The Philistines would have seized this opportunity to finish them off but Sam called up the power of de lard by butchering a lamb so de lard would scare them with a thunderstorm.

Sam is promoted to seer and sees himself as king, something the people do not want, strangely enough, de lard agrees with them.

Enter Saul from stage left. Saul is taken under Sam’s wing and chosen to be king. The relationship between Sam and Saul seems to be more than just friends. Even so Saul manages to father Johnathan.

Saul settles into his kingly role and starts to antagonize the Philistines the narrative seems to lose the plot and any grasp of mathematics when reporting skirmishes.

We then get into a couple of incidents that involve de omniscient one admitting to lack of fore sight and mistakes so repenting and changing his mind. Sam dies and Saul, either through grief or just being inept, becomes the crappiest crappy king in crapland.

We then have the David and Goliath tale quickly followed by Jonny and David getting friendly, very friendly. A relationship that Saul disapproves of so much he “gives” him his daughter as a wife. Yet demanding 100 Philistine foreskins as a payment. David killed 200 men to get these???

Saul was not happy with David’s success and wanted to kill him, Johnny made him promise that he would not. A promise as good as de lards, as he tried but David escaped.

He assembles a small band of men and roams Saul follows in two or one encounters David could have killed Saul and didn't. They then have two or one pow wows which ends with Saul admitting he was wrong and allowing David and his merry men to go on their way. They go to the land of the Philistines and get less shit of their”enemies” than they got from their kinsmen. In return he and his men became mercenaries for the philistines but without the philistines softer side.

Saul battles with the Philistines and johnny is killed.

Saul shows his ~~cowardice~~ bravery and ~~lack of~~ dignity by topping himself

To,sum it all up Power, Gay sex Power more gay sex with a shit load of death thrown in.

1 Samuel 31

2012-01-08T10:38:00.002Z

   ¹Now the Philistines fought against Israel: and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa.
   ²And the Philistines followed hard upon Saul and upon his sons; and the Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons.

Jonathan dead, David is not going to be happy.

   ³And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers.
   ⁴Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.

Sureley whether or not your killer has or does not have a foreskin does not preclude your dead body being abused in any way.

   ⁵And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.

It may have been he missed Samuel and the act of self penetration satisfied need for something hard inside him. Although in reality Sauls suicide should be seen as just cowardice, a pathetic way to die for a king.   His armourbearer's death although possibly bourne of loyalty and fear was none the less just plain stupid.

   ⁶So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.
   ⁷And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them.
   ⁸And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa.
   ⁹And they cut off his head, and stripped off his armour, and sent into the land of the Philistines round about, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people.

   ¹⁰And they put his armour in the house of Ashteroth: and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan.
   ¹¹And when the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead heard of that which the Philistines had done to Saul;
   ¹²All the valiant men arose, and went all night, and took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Bethshan, and came to Jabesh, and burnt them there.

All the valient men? If they were that valient and they thought that much of Saul, why were they not in his army?
   ¹³And they took their bones, and buried them under a tree at Jabesh, and fasted seven days.

1 Samuel 30

2012-01-03T15:21:00.002Z

Happy new year to you all.

   ¹And it came to pass, when David and his men were come to Ziklag on the third day, that the Amalekites had invaded the south, and Ziklag, and smitten Ziklag, and burned it with fire;
   ²And had taken the women captives, that were therein: they slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way.

That makes the Amalakites relative humanitarians, they even kept the fat birds alive.

   ³So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives.
   ⁴Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep.
   ⁵And David's two wives were taken captives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite.
   ⁶And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.

Sureley not the time to be masturbating?

   ⁷And David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech's son, I pray thee, bring me hither the ephod. And Abiathar brought thither the ephod to David.

At least if he uses the ephod he will not make a mess(An ephod is the ritual apron used when sacrificing and otherwise kissing de lards arse)

   ⁸And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all.
   ⁹So David went, he and the six hundred men that were with him, and came to the brook Besor, where those that were left behind stayed.
   ¹⁰But David pursued, he and four hundred men: for two hundred abode behind, which were so faint that they could not go over the brook Besor.

Two hundred or one third of his supposed battle hardened men are too "faint" to cross a brooke to go rescue thier loved ones.
Fucking cowards. I would risk death for my freinds let alone my family.

   ¹¹And they found an Egyptian in the field, and brought him to David, and gave him bread, and he did eat; and they made him drink water;
   ¹²And they gave him a piece of a cake of figs, and two clusters of raisins: and when he had eaten, his spirit came again to him: for he had eaten no bread, nor drunk any water, three days and three nights.

After three days without they gave him bread ad made him drink water ?
I would have thought untill he had water he would have been unable to eat and I doubt they would have had much trouble making him drink.Keeping it down may have been a problem initially but drinking sureley not!

   ¹³And David said unto him, To whom belongest thou? and whence art thou? And he said, I am a young man of Egypt, servant to an Amalekite; and my master left me, because three days agone I fell sick.
   ¹⁴We made an invasion upon the south of the Cherethites, and upon the coast which belongeth to Judah, and upon the south of Caleb; and we burned Ziklag with fire.
   ¹⁵And David said to him, Canst thou bring me down to this company? And he said, Swear unto me by God, that thou wilt neither kill me, nor deliver me into the hands of my master, and I will bring thee down to this company.

I would have thought if he wanted some one to swear it would be gods plural or a named diety.

   ¹⁶And when he had brought him down, behold, they were spread abroad upon all the earth, eating and drinking, and dancing, because of all the great spoil that they had taken out of the land of the Philistines, and out of the land of Judah.

Him?

   ¹⁷And David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled.

It seems the Isralites scribes are suffering from discalculia again.

   ¹⁸And David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away: and David rescued his two wives.
   ¹⁹And there was nothing lacking to them, neither small nor great, neither sons nor daughters, neither spoil, nor any thing that they had taken to them: David recovered all.
   ²⁰And David took all the flocks and the herds, which they drave before those other cattle, and said, This is David's spoil.
   ²¹And David came to the two hundred men, which were so faint that they could not follow David, whom they had made also to abide at the brook Besor: and they went forth to meet David, and to meet the people that were with him: and when David came near to the people, he saluted them.
   ²²Then answered all the wicked men and men of Belial, of those that went with David, and said, Because they went not with us, we will not give them ought of the spoil that we have recovered, save to every man his wife and his children, that they may lead them away, and depart.

That seems fair to me, with thier help they may have had a few camels more.

   ²³Then said David, Ye shall not do so, my brethren, with that which the LORD hath given us, who hath preserved us, and delivered the company that came against us into our hand.

Of course it must be de lards work, nothing to do with the efforts of the Israelites to get thier property back and no mention of the Egyptian slave that led them to do this.

   ²⁴For who will hearken unto you in this matter? but as his part is that goeth down to the battle, so shall his part be that tarrieth by the stuff: they shall part alike.
   ²⁵And it was so from that day forward, that he made it a statute and an ordinance for Israel unto this day.

Didn't Moses already do that?

   ²⁶And when David came to Ziklag, he sent of the spoil unto the elders of Judah, even to his friends, saying, Behold a present for you of the spoil of the enemies of the LORD;
   ²⁷To them which were in Bethel, and to them which were in south Ramoth, and to them which were in Jattir,
   ²⁸And to them which were in Aroer, and to them which were in Siphmoth, and to them which were in Eshtemoa,
   ²⁹And to them which were in Rachal, and to them which were in the cities of the Jerahmeelites, and to them which were in the cities of the Kenites,
   ³⁰And to them which were in Hormah, and to them which were in Chorashan, and to them which were in Athach,
   ³¹And to them which were in Hebron, and to all the places where David himself and his men were wont to haunt.

What?

The NLT puts verse 27 0nwards as
    ²⁷ The gifts were sent to the people of the following towns David had visited: Bethel, Ramoth-negev, Jattir, ²⁸ Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa, ²⁹ Racal,^[a] the towns of the Jerahmeelites, the towns of the Kenites, ³⁰ Hormah, Bor-ashan, Athach, ³¹ Hebron, and all the other places David and his men had visited
The greek version has Carmel insted of Racal

1 Samuel 29

2011-12-30T17:16:00.003Z

Sorry about the long wait,but I have been so fucking busy.

¹Now the Philistines gathered together all their armies to Aphek: and the Israelites pitched by a fountain which is in Jezreel.
²And the lords of the Philistines passed on by hundreds, and by thousands: but David and his men passed on in the rereward with Achish.

It just doesn't stop does it. David and his men rereward(rearward in modern english)

   ³Then said the princes of the Philistines, What do these Hebrews here? And Achish said unto the princes of the Philistines, Is not this David, the servant of Saul the king of Israel, which hath been with me these days, or these years, and I have found no fault in him since he fell unto me unto this day.

If you fall do you not go down?

   ⁴And the princes of the Philistines were wroth with him; and the princes of the Philistines said unto him, Make this fellow return, that he may go again to his place which thou hast appointed him, and let him not go down with us to battle, lest in the battle he be an adversary to us: for wherewith should he reconcile himself unto his master? should it not be with the heads of these men?
   ⁵Is not this David, of whom they sang one to another in dances, saying, Saul slew his thousands, and David his ten thousands?
   ⁶Then Achish called David, and said unto him, Surely, as the LORD liveth, thou hast been upright, and thy going out and thy coming in with me in the host is good in my sight: for I have not found evil in thee since the day of thy coming unto me unto this day: nevertheless the lords favour thee not.

See it is not just my warped mind.

Seriously though, which god is Achish talking about? Is it Moloch, Baal or Yhwh? or could it be he sees them as one and the same?

   ⁷Wherefore now return, and go in peace, that thou displease not the lords of the Philistines.
   ⁸And David said unto Achish, But what have I done? and what hast thou found in thy servant so long as I have been with thee unto this day, that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?
   ⁹And Achish answered and said to David, I know that thou art good in my sight, as an angel of God: notwithstanding the princes of the Philistines have said, He shall not go up with us to the battle.
   ¹⁰Wherefore now rise up early in the morning with thy master's servants that are come with thee: and as soon as ye be up early in the morning, and have light, depart.
   ¹¹So David and his men rose up early to depart in the morning, to return into the land of the Philistines. And the Philistines went up to Jezreel.

Which beggers the questions......How do you Jezreel? and why must you go up to do it?

1 Samuel 28

2011-10-21T13:23:00.000+01:00

   ¹And it came to pass in those days, that the Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men.
   ²And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. And Achish said to David, Therefore will I make thee keeper of mine head for ever.

It's really not me,for it is written.

   ³Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land.
   ⁴And the Philistines gathered themselves together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and Saul gathered all Israel together, and they pitched in Gilboa.
   ⁵And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled.

Showing a lot of faith in de lard ther Saul.

   ⁶And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

Shame no mobile phones, perhaps de lard was asleep or busy

   ⁷Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

So Saul kicks out all the women with "familiar spirits" and then promptly finds one, sounds like his decrees are as effective as his invisible freind's

   ⁸And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee.
   ⁹And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

   ¹⁰And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.

Some questions here.
1. She did not know Saul was Saul, so why should she believe him? In fact why should she trust him even if she did see through his "disguise"?
2.Assuming from christian teaching she would come under the blanket of people wrongly called witch. Is there not a couple of rules regarding people of her profession within the laws of Moses.
Exodus 22:18, Although witch in this instance meant poisoner.
Duet 18:10
and also in 1 Samuel 15:23.

   ¹¹Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
   ¹²And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.
   ¹³And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

"Gods" again the bible states there are multiple gods

   ¹⁴And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself

The tenets of cold reading, posibly the greatest skill of a good "Medium". or any other form of con artist.

   ¹⁵And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.
   ¹⁶Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
   ¹⁷And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David:
   ¹⁸Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day.
   ¹⁹Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.
   ²⁰Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.
   ²¹And the woman came unto Saul, and saw that he was sore troubled, and said unto him, Behold, thine handmaid hath obeyed thy voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto thy words which thou spakest unto me.

For some reason Phil Collins has just jumped into my head.

It really is no wonder Saul is losing his country, as crap kings go he must rate as one of the crappiest.

   ²²Now therefore, I pray thee, hearken thou also unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before thee; and eat, that thou mayest have strength, when thou goest on thy way.
   ²³But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, together with the woman, compelled him; and he hearkened unto their voice. So he arose from the earth, and sat upon the bed.
   ²⁴And the woman had a fat calf in the house; and she hasted, and killed it, and took flour, and kneaded it, and did bake unleavened bread thereof:
   ²⁵And she brought it before Saul, and before his servants; and they did eat. Then they rose up, and went away that night.

1 Samuel 27

2011-10-06T11:17:00.000+01:00

¹And David said in his heart, I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul: there is nothing better for me than that I should speedily escape into the land of the Philistines; and Saul shall despair of me, to seek me any more in any coast of Israel: so shall I escape out of his hand.

So David has finally realised that Saul cannot be trusted, but is going to hide with the Philistines?
The people he has had a number of successful battles with and been a pain the their collective arses.

²And David arose, and he passed over with the six hundred men that were with him unto Achish, the son of Maoch, king of Gath.

Achis? Achis who?

   ³And David dwelt with Achish at Gath, he and his men, every man with his household, even David with his two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the Carmelitess, Nabal's wife.
   ⁴And it was told Saul that David was fled to Gath: and he sought no more again for him.
   ⁵And David said unto Achish, If I have now found grace in thine eyes, let them give me a place in some town in the country, that I may dwell there: for why should thy servant dwell in the royal city with thee?

Give him?
The Philistines are cast as the bad guy's again and again throughout the David saga and also in later books. They are at least part of the ancestry of present day Palestine Their name has come to mean uncultured and even anti culture and yet archeology has drawn different conclusions.

   ⁶Then Achish gave him Ziklag that day: wherefore Ziklag pertaineth unto the kings of Judah unto this day.
   ⁷And the time that David dwelt in the country of the Philistines was a full year and four months.
   ⁸And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.
   ⁹And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

Yet another "hero" committing theft and genocide. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
   ¹⁰And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.
   ¹¹And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwelleth in the country of the Philistines.

¹²And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever.

1 Samuel 26

2011-10-03T17:23:00.003+01:00

¹And the Ziphites came unto Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon?    ²Then Saul arose, and went down to the wilderness of Ziph, having three thousand chosen men of Israel with him, to seek David in the wilderness of Ziph.
   ³And Saul pitched in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon, by the way. But David abode in the wilderness, and he saw that Saul came after him into the wilderness.

Hang on, hang on, stop right there.

The last time we saw Saul and David meet, they came to a truce, an uneasy truce I grant you,but Saul had agreed to let David be.

   ⁴David therefore sent out spies, and understood that Saul was come in very deed.
   ⁵And David arose, and came to the place where Saul had pitched: and David beheld the place where Saul lay, and Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his host: and Saul lay in the trench, and the people pitched round about him.

Aaarrggghh! There it goes again more smut and innuendo.

   ⁶Then answered David and said to Ahimelech the Hittite, and to Abishai the son of Zeruiah, brother to Joab, saying, Who will go down with me to Saul to the camp? And Abishai said, I will go down with thee.
   ⁷So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him.
   ⁸Then said Abishai to David, God hath delivered thine enemy into thine hand this day: now therefore let me smite him, I pray thee, with the spear even to the earth at once, and I will not smite him the second time.

What? David could have killed him in chapter 24, while Saul was taking a shit.

   ⁹And David said to Abishai, Destroy him not: for who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD's anointed, and be guiltless?
   ¹⁰David said furthermore, As the LORD liveth, the LORD shall smite him; or his day shall come to die; or he shall descend into battle, and perish.
   ¹¹The LORD forbid that I should stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed: but, I pray thee, take thou now the spear that is at his bolster, and the cruse of water, and let us go.

How things have changed. In my circle of freinds nothing is sacred, you count yourself lucky if all you do is find a rude word in indellible ink scrawled across your forehead losing a spear and a drink is nothing.

   ¹²So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them.

I have to ask has Saul got really crap guards or is David actually a ninja?

   ¹³Then David went over to the other side, and stood on the top of an hill afar off; a great space being between them:
   ¹⁴And David cried to the people, and to Abner the son of Ner, saying, Answerest thou not, Abner? Then Abner answered and said, Who art thou that criest to the king?
   ¹⁵And David said to Abner, Art not thou a valiant man? and who is like to thee in Israel? wherefore then hast thou not kept thy lord the king? for there came one of the people in to destroy the king thy lord.
   ¹⁶This thing is not good that thou hast done. As the LORD liveth, ye are worthy to die, because ye have not kept your master, the LORD's anointed. And now see where the king's spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his bolster.
   ¹⁷And Saul knew David's voice, and said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And David said, It is my voice, my lord, O king.
   ¹⁸And he said, Wherefore doth my lord thus pursue after his servant? for what have I done? or what evil is in mine hand?
   ¹⁹Now therefore, I pray thee, let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the LORD have stirred thee up against me, let him accept an offering: but if they be the children of men, cursed be they before the LORD; for they have driven me out this day from abiding in the inheritance of the LORD, saying, Go, serve other gods.
   ²⁰Now therefore, let not my blood fall to the earth before the face of the LORD: for the king of Israel is come out to seek a flea, as when one doth hunt a partridge in the mountains.
   ²¹Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.
   ²²And David answered and said, Behold the king's spear! and let one of the young men come over and fetch it.
   ²³The LORD render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness; for the LORD delivered thee into my hand to day, but I would not stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed.
   ²⁴And, behold, as thy life was much set by this day in mine eyes, so let my life be much set by in the eyes of the LORD, and let him deliver me out of all tribulation.
   ²⁵Then Saul said to David, Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.

From chapter 24
14After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.    15The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.    16And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.    17And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.    18And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.    19For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.    20And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.    21Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.    22And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

This has to be a rehashing of the same tale in chapter 24 Saul totally and without knowing is at Davids mercy. David spares him and after Saul admits he has been a naughty boy they then kiss and make up.

1 Samuel 25

2011-09-28T12:02:00.000+01:00

   ¹And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.
   ²And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
   ³Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

Hmmm.

   ⁴And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.

Shear not share?

   ⁵And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:
   ⁶And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.

Call me cynical, but I think this greeting, combined with the proximity of a beautiful woman has sealed Nabals fate.

   ⁷And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.
   ⁸Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
   ⁹And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.
   ¹⁰And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
   ¹¹Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be?

Didn't the laws of Moses say he should welcom strangers, travellers and fellow Israelites? He should be careful or he may bring the wrath of de lard on himself.

   ¹²So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
   ¹³And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Buggar me the numbers of men are for once consistant.

   ¹⁴But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.
   ¹⁵But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:
   ¹⁶They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
   ¹⁷Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

In modern parlance being a child of Belial would equate to "worthless, untrustworthy sonnofabitch"

   ¹⁸Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.
   ¹⁹And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

Without her husbands knowledge and permission, ooh dear if he finds out she could get stoned and not in a good way.

   ²⁰And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
   ²¹Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
   ²²So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

What?
The NLT has this

²⁰ As she was riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, she saw David and his men coming toward her. ²¹ David had just been saying, “A lot of good it did to help this fellow. We protected his flocks in the wilderness, and nothing he owned was lost or stolen. But he has repaid me evil for good.

²² May God strike me and kill me^[c] if even one man of his household is still alive tomorrow morning!”

That is clearer, but no mention of pissing up a wall.

²³And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
   ²⁴And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
   ²⁵Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.
   ²⁶Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
   ²⁷And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.
   ²⁸I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days

So David's relationship with Johnathen was either not public knowledge or was not seen as a bad thing..

   ²⁹Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.

NLT has this

   ²⁹ “Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch.

Bundle of life or trasure pouch? Perhaps posing pouch would be a better translation?

   ³⁰And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
   ³¹That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.
   ³²And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
   ³³And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
   ³⁴For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
   ³⁵So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
   ³⁶And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.

   ³⁷But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.
   ³⁸And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

I said that would happen, fuck me I am a prophet!

   ³⁹And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
   ⁴⁰And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.
   ⁴¹And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
   ⁴²And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
   ⁴³David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.
   ⁴⁴But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

1 Samuel 24

2011-09-23T13:52:00.001+01:00

   ¹And it came to pass, when Saul was returned from following the Philistines, that it was told him, saying, Behold, David is in the wilderness of Engedi.

   ²Then Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men upon the rocks of the wild goats.
   ³And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave.

If youy can't be bothered to click on the link "cover his feet" means going for a crap. You would have thought someone of his station would have been more careful.

   ⁴And the men of David said unto him, Behold the day of which the LORD said unto thee, Behold, I will deliver thine enemy into thine hand, that thou mayest do to him as it shall seem good unto thee. Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily.
   ⁵And it came to pass afterward, that David's heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul's skirt.
   ⁶And he said unto his men, The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD's anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.
   ⁷So David stayed his servants with these words, and suffered them not to rise against Saul. But Saul rose up out of the cave, and went on his way.
   ⁸David also arose afterward, and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king. And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself.
   ⁹And David said to Saul, Wherefore hearest thou men's words, saying, Behold, David seeketh thy hurt?
   ¹⁰Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD's anointed.
   ¹¹Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it.

I was wondering why David was close enough to Saul to quite literally smell him, and only cuts a bit of his skirt? I was thinking what did he do with it. The only use I could think of was to pass it to Saul so he could wipe his arse.

   ¹²The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹³As saith the proverb of the ancients, Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   ¹⁴After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.
   ¹⁵The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.
   ¹⁶And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.
   ¹⁷And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.
   ¹⁸And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.
   ¹⁹For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.
   ²⁰And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.
   ²¹Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.
   ²²And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

Smooth talkin bastard. Still smells like bullshit to me but it may just have been Sauls feet.

1 Samuel 23

2011-09-22T14:52:00.001+01:00

s   ¹Then they told David, saying, Behold, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshingfloors.

Would "They". Have been so ready to complain if they behaved like the Israelites and "killed every living thing, instead of the sweepings off the threshing floors?

   ²Therefore David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah.

So, here we are not two chapters away from David losing the plot and surprise surprise David is not only talking to de lard but hearing his replies too. It continually amazes me, that, as the most studied book in the world, the so called learned scolars have missed so much. So many things attributed to the power and wisdom of de lard and yet so many of his "leader's" are suffering from obvious and acute delusions.

   ³And David's men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah: how much more then if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?

   ⁴Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand.

   ⁵So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. So David saved the inhabitants of Keilah.

   ⁶And it came to pass, when Abiathar the son of Ahimelech fled to David to Keilah, that he came down with an ephod in his hand.

   ⁷And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars

Saul thinks god is with him, David thinks god is on his side. I think at least one of these ~~nutjobs~~ believers is mistaken.

⁸And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.

   ⁹And David knew that Saul secretly practised mischief against him; and he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring hither the ephod.

"secretly practised mischief" Is this meaning the public demand for the death of David or has Saul developed a crush on his son's lover?
   ¹⁰Then said David, O LORD God of Israel, thy servant hath certainly heard that Saul seeketh to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake

Hmm unless it is sexual desire I think the secret is out.
.
   ¹¹Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? will Saul come down, as thy servant hath heard? O LORD God of Israel, I beseech thee, tell thy servant. And the LORD said, He will come down.

   ¹²Then said David, Will the men of Keilah deliver me and my men into the hand of Saul? And the LORD said, They will deliver thee up.

So is de lard on David's side as he thinks? Maybe after all he has just pointed out that the people of Keilah are true Israelites and true to thier heritage, cannot be trusted, even when owing a huge debt.

   ¹³Then David and his men, which were about six hundred, arose and departed out of Keilah, and went whithersoever they could go.

Hang on....

....David and his "troops"m have just fought a bloody battle with the philistines and yet instead of showing losses his army has now increased by 50%. Ah well if you can put lipstick on a pig I suppose you can dress cows in armour.

And it was told Saul that David was escaped from Keilah; and he forbare to go forth.
   ¹⁴And David abode in the wilderness in strong holds, and remained in a mountain in the wilderness of Ziph. And Saul sought him every day, but God delivered him not into his hand.

Of course that explains Davids madness he has caught Ziph ilous.
Sorry about that.

   ¹⁵And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life: and David was in the wilderness of Ziph in a wood.
   ¹⁶And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.

As soon as those two get together its sex sex sex.

   ¹⁷And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.
   ¹⁸And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.

Fuck they have turned into Robin Hood and Maid Marion

   ¹⁹Then came up the Ziphites to Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself with us in strong holds in the wood, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of Jeshimon?
   ²⁰Now therefore, O king, come down according to all the desire of thy soul to come down; and our part shall be to deliver him into the king's hand.
   ²¹And Saul said, Blessed be ye of the LORD; for ye have compassion on me

The belief Saul and David have that de lard will see them right because they believe in him, is a prime example that belief achieves nothing..

   ²²Go, I pray you, prepare yet, and know and see his place where his haunt is, and who hath seen him there: for it is told me that he dealeth very subtilly.
   ²³See therefore, and take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself, and come ye again to me with the certainty, and I will go with you: and it shall come to pass, if he be in the land, that I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah.
   ²⁴And they arose, and went to Ziph before Saul: but David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the plain on the south of Jeshimon.
   ²⁵Saul also and his men went to seek him. And they told David; wherefore he came down into a rock, and abode in the wilderness of Maon. And when Saul heard that, he pursued after David in the wilderness of Maon.
   ²⁶And Saul went on this side of the mountain, and David and his men on that side of the mountain: and David made haste to get away for fear of Saul; for Saul and his men compassed David and his men round about to take them.
   ²⁷But there came a messenger unto Saul, saying, Haste thee, and come; for the Philistines have invaded the land.

I was thinking it was unwise to be involved in petty local squabbles when the Philistines were knocking at the door.
   ²⁸Wherefore Saul returned from pursuing after David, and went against the Philistines: therefore they called that place Selahammahlekoth.
   ²⁹And David went up from thence, and dwelt in strong holds at Engedi.

1 Samuel 22

2011-09-10T14:15:00.003+01:00

This would have been posted almost two weeks ago, but I could not get on to my site. All seems ok now.

¹David therefore departed thence, and escaped to the cave Adullam: and when his brethren and all his father's house heard it, they went down thither to him.

So has David shat himself and run away, or was it was a cunning plan? Knowing the traditional behaviour of his people I must confess I really don't know. It could be either.

   ²And every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented, gathered themselves unto him; and he became a captain over them: and there were with him about four hundred men.

I can feel his pride over the centuries, David ,Captain of the malcontents.

   ³And David went thence to Mizpeh of Moab: and he said unto the king of Moab, Let my father and my mother, I pray thee, come forth, and be with you, till I know what God will do for me.

   ⁴And he brought them before the king of Moab: and they dwelt with him all the while that David was in the hold.

   ⁵And the prophet Gad said unto David, Abide not in the hold; depart, and get thee into the land of Judah. Then David departed, and came into the forest of Hareth.

   ⁶When Saul heard that David was discovered, and the men that were with him, (now Saul abode in Gibeah under a tree in Ramah, having his spear in his hand, and all his servants were standing about him;)

I can't help it, all I see is gay innuendo

   ⁷Then Saul said unto his servants that stood about him, Hear now, ye Benjamites; will the son of Jesse give every one of you fields and vineyards, and make you all captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds;

   ⁸That all of you have conspired against me, and there is none that sheweth me that my son hath made a league with the son of Jesse, and there is none of you that is sorry for me, or sheweth unto me that my son hath stirred up my servant against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

   ⁹Then answered Doeg the Edomite, which was set over the servants of Saul, and said, I saw the son of Jesse coming to Nob, to Ahimelech the son of Ahitub.

Just as I read that a fly crawled over the word "to".......innuendo

   ¹⁰And he enquired of the LORD for him, and gave him victuals, and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.

I have recently been accused of just mocking the bible...this mocks itself.

   ¹¹Then the king sent to call Ahimelech the priest, the son of Ahitub, and all his father's house, the priests that were in Nob: and they came all of them to the king.

Talk about LMAO. Iam crying here...fuck it hurts.

   ¹²And Saul said, Hear now, thou son of Ahitub. And he answered, Here I am, my lord.

   ¹³And Saul said unto him, Why have ye conspired against me, thou and the son of Jesse, in that thou hast given him bread, and a sword, and hast enquired of God for him, that he should rise against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

I need to pull myself together I just read "bread" as "head".

   ¹⁴Then Ahimelech answered the king, and said, And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David, which is the king's son in law, and goeth at thy bidding, and is honourable in thine house?

   ¹⁵Did I then begin to enquire of God for him? be it far from me: let not the king impute any thing unto his servant, nor to all the house of my father: for thy servant knew nothing of all this, less or more.
   ¹⁶And the king said, Thou shalt surely die, Ahimelech, thou, and all thy father's house.

   ¹⁷And the king said unto the footmen that stood about him, Turn, and slay the priests of the LORD: because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not shew it to me. But the servants of the king would not put forth their hand to fall upon the priests of the LORD.

   ¹⁸And the king said to Doeg, Turn thou, and fall upon the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned, and he fell upon the priests, and slew on that day fourscore and five persons that did wear a linen ephod.

So the magical apron of delard offered as much protection as I expected.

   ¹⁹And Nob, the city of the priests, smote he with the edge of the sword, both men and women, children and sucklings, and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword.

Yes! there is nothing like a massacre of a whole city for gaining support.

   ²⁰And one of the sons of Ahimelech the son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped, and fled after David.
   ²¹And Abiathar shewed David that Saul had slain the LORD's priests.

   ²²And David said unto Abiathar, I knew it that day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, that he would surely tell Saul: I have occasioned the death of all the persons of thy father's house.

   ²³Abide thou with me, fear not: for he that seeketh my life seeketh thy life: but with me thou shalt be in safeguard.

So David has about four hundred men(401) and expects to be victorious over an army that has just laid waste to a city.....

1 Samuel 21

2011-08-18T12:31:00.000+01:00

¹Then came David to Nob to Ahimelech the priest: and Ahimelech was afraid at the meeting of David, and said unto him, Why art thou alone, and no man with thee?

I shall resist all the Nob jokes that flooded my mind

²And David said unto Ahimelech the priest, The king hath commanded me a business, and hath said unto me, Let no man know any thing of the business whereabout I send thee, and what I have commanded thee: and I have appointed my servants to such and such a place.

³Now therefore what is under thine hand? give me five loaves of bread in mine hand, or what there is present.

⁴And the priest answered David, and said, There is no common bread under mine hand, but there is hallowed bread; if the young men have kept themselves at least from women.

So hallowed bread is ok " if the young men have kept themselves at least from women. " implying not keeping themselves from men is Ok!

⁵And David answered the priest, and said unto him, Of a truth women have been kept from us about these three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and the bread is in a manner common, yea, though it were sanctified this day in the vessel.

The N I V. has no mention of three days

5 David replied, “Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever[ b] I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!” 6 So the priest gave him the consecrated bread, since there was no bread there except the bread of the Presence that had been removed from before the LORD and replaced by hot bread on the day it was taken away.

⁶So the priest gave him hallowed bread: for there was no bread there but the shewbread, that was taken from before the LORD, to put hot bread in the day when it was taken away.

Again more than a subtle implication David and his men kept away from women.

⁷Now a certain man of the servants of Saul was there that day, detained before the LORD; and his name was Doeg, an Edomite, the chiefest of the herdmen that belonged to Saul.

⁸And David said unto Ahimelech, And is there not here under thine hand spear or sword? for I have neither brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king's business required haste.

So what does Doeg have to do with anything? Perhaps he is just a"previously unknown member of the cast"?

⁹And the priest said, The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom thou slewest in the valley of Elah, behold, it is here wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod: if thou wilt take that, take it: for there is no other save that here. And David said, There is none like that; give it me.

¹⁰And David arose and fled that day for fear of Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath.

¹¹And the servants of Achish said unto him, Is not this David the king of the land? did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands?

¹²And David laid up these words in his heart, and was sore afraid of Achish the king of Gath.

David the "king", the man with de lard at his side is afraid.........

¹³And he changed his behaviour before them, and feigned himself mad in their hands, and scrabbled on the doors of the gate, and let his spittle fall down upon his beard.

Seems he was terrified, so terrified he appeared irrational.

¹⁴Then said Achish unto his servants, Lo, ye see the man is mad: wherefore then have ye brought him to me?

¹⁵Have I need of mad men, that ye have brought this fellow to play the mad man in my presence? shall this fellow come into my house?

1 Samuel 20

2011-03-15T14:18:00.007Z

¹And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? what is mine iniquity? and what is my sin before thy father, that he seeketh my life?
²And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not die: behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will shew it me: and why should my father hide this thing from me? it is not so.
³And David sware moreover, and said, Thy father certainly knoweth that I have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved: but truly as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death.

Let us look again at the reasons for Sauls hatred of David. I think it must be more than just jealousy. Let us cast our minds back to the relationship between Samuel and Saul, a relationship that obviously had a physical factor. Was it an abusive relationship ? Does Saul feel guilty and ashamed of the physical relationship that he had, and can see the love between Johnathan and David ? Is it that he wishes to protect Johnathan from the shame that he feels?

⁴Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

⁵And David said unto Jonathan, Behold, to morrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat: but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at even.

Passing thought........Gone for three days then to return...........Reminds me of something!!

⁶If thy father at all miss me, then say, David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city: for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.

Bethlehem Hmmm!

⁷If he say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if he be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him.
⁸Therefore thou shalt deal kindly with thy servant; for thou hast brought thy servant into a covenant of the LORD with thee: notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me thyself; for why shouldest thou bring me to thy father?
⁹And Jonathan said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee?
¹⁰Then said David to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? or what if thy father answer thee roughly?
¹¹And Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field.
¹²And Jonathan said unto David, O LORD God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about to morrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto thee, and shew it thee;
¹³The LORD do so and much more to Jonathan: but if it please my father to do thee evil, then I will shew it thee, and send thee away, that thou mayest go in peace: and the LORD be with thee, as he hath been with my father.
¹⁴And thou shalt not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the LORD, that I die not:
¹⁵But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the LORD hath cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth.
¹⁶So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David's enemies.
¹⁷And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own soul.
¹⁸Then Jonathan said to David, To morrow is the new moon: and thou shalt be missed, because thy seat will be empty.
¹⁹And when thou hast stayed three days, then thou shalt go down quickly, and come to the place where thou didst hide thyself when the business was in hand, and shalt remain by the stone Ezel.
²⁰And I will shoot three arrows on the side thereof, as though I shot at a mark.
²¹And, behold, I will send a lad, saying, Go, find out the arrows. If I expressly say unto the lad, Behold, the arrows are on this side of thee, take them; then come thou: for there is peace to thee, and no hurt; as the LORD liveth.
²²But if I say thus unto the young man, Behold, the arrows are beyond thee; go thy way: for the LORD hath sent thee away.
²³And as touching the matter which thou and I have spoken of, behold, the LORD be between thee and me for ever.
²⁴So David hid himself in the field: and when the new moon was come, the king sat him down to eat meat.
²⁵And the king sat upon his seat, as at other times, even upon a seat by the wall: and Jonathan arose, and Abner sat by Saul's side, and David's place was empty.
²⁶Nevertheless Saul spake not any thing that day: for he thought, Something hath befallen him, he is not clean; surely he is not clean.
²⁷And it came to pass on the morrow, which was the second day of the month, that David's place was empty: and Saul said unto Jonathan his son, Wherefore cometh not the son of Jesse to meat, neither yesterday, nor to day?
²⁸And Jonathan answered Saul, David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem:
²⁹And he said, Let me go, I pray thee; for our family hath a sacrifice in the city; and my brother, he hath commanded me to be there: and now, if I have found favour in thine eyes, let me get away, I pray thee, and see my brethren. Therefore he cometh not unto the king's table.
³⁰Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?

Just blame the mother it must be her fault. After all Hebrew women were renowned for their outspoken and forthright ways!!!?

Confused?, Never Confused.

³¹For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.
³²And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done?
³³And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David.
³⁴So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his father had done him shame.
³⁵And it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David, and a little lad with him.
³⁶And he said unto his lad, Run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. And as the lad ran, he shot an arrow beyond him.
³⁷And when the lad was come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad, and said, Is not the arrow beyond thee?
³⁸And Jonathan cried after the lad, Make speed, haste, stay not. And Jonathan's lad gathered up the arrows, and came to his master.
³⁹But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.
⁴⁰And Jonathan gave his artillery unto his lad, and said unto him, Go, carry them to the city.
⁴¹And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded.

Ejaculated?

⁴²And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, The LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever. And he arose and departed: and Jonathan went into the city.

Seems to blow this idea that de lard hates fags bullshit, right out of the water.

1 Samuel 19

2011-02-17T15:20:00.010Z

¹And Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David.
²But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself:
³And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee.

These are basic facts of life...Not all parents will like thier childrens freinds, but should they choose to try and intervene in the relationship, the child will inadvertantly choose thier freindship over thier relationship with thier parents. These facts are multiplied in intensity when the friend in question is a (potential) lover.

⁴And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good:
⁵For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the LORD wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice: wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?
⁶And Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain.
⁷And Jonathan called David, and Jonathan shewed him all those things. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past.
⁸And there was war again: and David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter; and they fled from him.
⁹And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand.

"And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul" There again with these "evil spirits"from de lard.

¹⁰And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall: and David fled, and escaped that night.

"Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain".So Saul's promises are as binding as de lards.
¹¹Saul also sent messengers unto David's house, to watch him, and to slay him in the morning: and Michal David's wife told him, saying, If thou save not thy life to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain.
¹²So Michal let David down through a window: and he went, and fled, and escaped.
¹³And Michal took an image, and laid it in the bed, and put a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster, and covered it with a cloth.
¹⁴And when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, He is sick.
¹⁵And Saul sent the messengers again to see David, saying, Bring him up to me in the bed, that I may slay him.

Is Saul senile,stoned or just lying when he said he would not slay David.

¹⁶And when the messengers were come in, behold, there was an image in the bed, with a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster.
¹⁷And Saul said unto Michal, Why hast thou deceived me so, and sent away mine enemy, that he is escaped? And Michal answered Saul, He said unto me, Let me go; why should I kill thee?
¹⁸So David fled, and escaped, and came to Samuel to Ramah, and told him all that Saul had done to him. And he and Samuel went and dwelt in Naioth.

¹⁹And it was told Saul, saying, Behold, David is at Naioth in Ramah.
²⁰And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied.
²¹And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also.
²²Then went he also to Ramah, and came to a great well that is in Sechu: and he asked and said, Where are Samuel and David? And one said, Behold, they be at Naioth in Ramah.
²³And he went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied, until he came to Naioth in Ramah.
²⁴And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?

All this prophesieing, There must be some strong psychtropic plants growing around there.

1 Samuel 18

2011-02-16T14:05:00.003Z

¹ After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.
² From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family.
³ And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.
⁴ Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

So now have we moved on from the love affair between Samuel and Saul, to another.

⁵ Whatever mission Saul sent him on, David was so successful that Saul gave him a high rank in the army. This pleased all the troops, and Saul’s officers as well.
⁶ When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres.
⁷ As they danced, they sang:
“Saul has slain his thousands,
and David his tens of thousands.”
⁸ Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” ⁹ And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David.
¹⁰ The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand ¹¹ and he hurled it, saying to himself, “I’ll pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice.

So de lard is sending evil spirits, in a while once the Romans get a hold on these scriptures they will blame the adversary Satan for sending "evil" Whereas in this instance at least, it is obvious that Saul was in a jealous rage.

¹² Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with David but had departed from Saul

So de lard is sending "evil spirits" to get Saul to kill David and yet at the same time is "with David".Alzheimers or schizophrenia?

¹³ So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David led the troops in their campaigns.
¹⁴ In everything he did he had great success, because the LORD was with him.

Because no general throughout the worlds history had any success without the backing of de lard, except for, the likes of Hannibal, Alexander,Julius Ceaser,Genghis Khan, Boadicea and Attila, to name but a few.

¹⁵ When Saul saw how successful he was, he was afraid of him.
¹⁶ But all Israel and Judah loved David, because he led them in their campaigns.
¹⁷ Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the LORD.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”

Giving a gay guy a wife, really! Does he think he lives in the American bible belts?

¹⁸ But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” ¹⁹ Sowhen the time came for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.

²⁰ Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased.
Pleased? Probably because David thought it was Michael not Michal, I bet that was a shock on his wadding night.

²¹ “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”
²² Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king likes you, and his attendants all love you; now become his son-in-law.’”
²³ They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”
²⁴ When Saul’s servants told him what David had said,
²⁵ Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

A hundred Philistine foreskins? Showing his penis obsession again. What is he going to do with them, have them dried and made into chain mail underwear?

²⁶ When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law.
A gay man sent to handle a hundred penises, what a chore that must have been? So before the allotted time elapsed,
²⁷ David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins.
Did he really kill them for this, or just give a quick chomp at an appropriate moment?

²⁸ When Saul realized that the LORD was with David and that his daughter Michal loved David,
²⁹ Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.
³⁰ The Philistine commanders continued to go out to battle, and as often as they did, David met with more success than the rest of Saul’s officers, and his name became well known.

1 Samuel 17

2011-02-09T14:17:00.000Z

¹Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
²And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.

Saul??
Saul is leading the Israelite army.........did de lard not order his impeachment? Of course this has nothing to do with the breakup of Sam and Saul. And don't forget how this underlines the ~~power~~ impotence of de lard.

³And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.
⁴And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.

Six cubits and a span? A cubit at the time was somewhere around 18-20 inches and I assume a span is a hands width so Goliath is apparently just over 3 metres or 10-11 feet tall in english money, here we go againa possible fact exagerated out of all proportion till it just becomes ridiculous.
Even if he was wearing stilletto's with twelve inch heels and stood on a box he would still be too short
Is this where we get the phrase "tell a tall story", from

⁵And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.
⁶And he had greaves of brass upon his legs, and a target of brass between his shoulders.
⁷And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.

Okay, okay he was a big strong man,his butchness outclassed the butchest man in butch land.

⁸And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
⁹If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
¹⁰And the Philistine said, I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.
¹¹When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
¹²Now David was the son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name was Jesse; and he had eight sons: and the man went among men for an old man in the days of Saul.
¹³And the three eldest sons of Jesse went and followed Saul to the battle: and the names of his three sons that went to the battle were Eliab the firstborn, and next unto him Abinadab, and the third Shammah.
¹⁴And David was the youngest: and the three eldest followed Saul.
¹⁵But David went and returned from Saul to feed his father's sheep at Bethlehem.
¹⁶And the Philistine drew near morning and evening, and presented himself forty days.
¹⁷And Jesse said unto David his son, Take now for thy brethren an ephah of this parched corn, and these ten loaves, and run to the camp of thy brethren;
¹⁸And carry these ten cheeses unto the captain of their thousand, and look how thy brethren fare, and take their pledge.
¹⁹Now Saul, and they, and all the men of Israel, were in the valley of Elah, fighting with the Philistines.
²⁰And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
²¹For Israel and the Philistines had put the battle in array, army against army.
²²And David left his carriage in the hand of the keeper of the carriage, and ran into the army, and came and saluted his brethren.
²³And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.
²⁴And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him, and were sore afraid.

These brave men of Israel, always ready to go into a defeated city and murder the elderly,the male and the young, sometimes raping and or murdering and or enslaving the young virgin girls. But faced with on oversized, armed man they shit themselves.

²⁵And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel.
²⁶And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
²⁷And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.
²⁸And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.

A glimmer of reality....two brothers bitching at each other.

²⁹And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?
³⁰And he turned from him toward another, and spake after the same manner: and the people answered him again after the former manner.
³¹And when the words were heard which David spake, they rehearsed them before Saul: and he sent for him.
³²And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
³³And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
³⁴And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:

A sheep was taken by a lion, AND a bear!Wow!............If two vicious and powerful predators can work together perhaps there is hope for the human race. Or on the other hand it could be complete bollocks.

³⁵And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him.

Caught him by his beard, hmmm.......Young man, hungry lion, close contact, I am really not convinced.

³⁶Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God.

Defiled? That implies some unsolicited sodomy at least, not just a little light taunting.

³⁷David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee.

So the deal is a one against one fight to the death for total win, total surrender. Knowing this Saul entrusts this to a young lad, a lad so young in fact, he still thinks playing with his sling, is more rewarding than playing with his penis,

³⁸And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
³⁹And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
⁴⁰And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
⁴¹And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
⁴²And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
⁴³And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
⁴⁴And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
⁴⁵Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

Are we really sure David was an Israelite, maybe it is just the folly of youth, but he seems to show culturally uncharachteristic bravery.

⁴⁶This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
⁴⁷And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
⁴⁸And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
⁴⁹And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
⁵⁰So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
⁵¹Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.

Maybe he is an Israelite after all, slaying an unconscious enemy is what we have come to expect.

⁵²And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Again the Israelites show themselves not to be trusted.

⁵³And the children of Israel returned from chasing after the Philistines, and they spoiled their tents.
⁵⁴And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
⁵⁵And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
⁵⁶And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is.
⁵⁷And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
⁵⁸And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.

1 Samuel 16

2011-01-31T17:55:00.006Z

¹And the LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? fill thine horn with oil, and go, I will send thee to Jesse the Bethlehemite: for I have provided me a king among his sons.

Here again a intimation that Sam and Saul were lovers, who else mourns for someone still alive?

²And Samuel said, How can I go? if Saul hear it, he will kill me. And the LORD said, Take an heifer with
thee, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the LORD.

Curious that the all powerful one needs to rely on subterfuge just to outwit a mere mortal.

³And call Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will shew thee what thou shalt do: and thou shalt anoint unto me him whom I name unto thee.

Again with the oiling up of a young boy, I have to ask, Isn it any wonder that many divisions of the so called Abrahamic religions are endemic with paedophilia?
⁴And Samuel did that which the LORD spake, and came to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming, and said, Comest thou peaceably?

Parkinsons or ecstasy

⁵And he said, Peaceably: I am come to sacrifice unto the LORD: sanctify yourselves, and come with me to the sacrifice. And he sanctified Jesse and his sons, and called them to the sacrifice.

He has come to peaceably rip out the throat of an innocent animal.

⁶And it came to pass, when they were come, that he looked on Eliab, and said, Surely the LORD's anointed is before him.
⁷But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
⁸Then Jesse called Abinadab, and made him pass before Samuel. And he said, Neither hath the LORD chosen this.
⁹Then Jesse made Shammah to pass by. And he said, Neither hath the LORD chosen this.
¹⁰Again, Jesse made seven of his sons to pass before Samuel. And Samuel said unto Jesse, The LORD hath not chosen these.
¹¹And Samuel said unto Jesse, Are here all thy children? And he said, There remaineth yet the youngest, and, behold, he keepeth the sheep. And Samuel said unto Jesse, Send and fetch him: for we will not sit down till he come hither.

Why am I not surprised? The Priest wants a young boy. the younger the better?

Things don't seem to change no matter how fucking disgusting it is

¹²And he sent, and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the LORD said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he.
¹³Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him in the midst of his brethren: and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. So Samuel rose up, and went to Ramah.
¹⁴But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him.
¹⁵And Saul's servants said unto him, Behold now, an evil spirit from God troubleth thee.
¹⁶Let our lord now command thy servants, which are before thee, to seek out a man, who is a cunning player on an harp: and it shall come to pass, when the evil spirit from God is upon thee, that he shall play with his hand, and thou shalt be well.
¹⁷And Saul said unto his servants, Provide me now a man that can play well, and bring him to me.
¹⁸Then answered one of the servants, and said, Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, that is cunning in playing, and a mighty valiant man, and a man of war, and prudent in matters, and a comely person, and the LORD is with him.
¹⁹Wherefore Saul sent messengers unto Jesse, and said, Send me David thy son, which is with the sheep.
²⁰And Jesse took an ass laden with bread, and a bottle of wine, and a kid, and sent them by David his son unto Saul.
²¹And David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly; and he became his armourbearer.

Armour bearer? A way of saying he sheathed his pork sword perhaps
²²And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight.
²³And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.

Harp? Is it a coincidence that you play a "Jews Harp" by putting it in your mouth?.

1 Samuel 15

2010-12-12T13:54:00.009Z

¹Samuel also said unto Saul, The LORD sent me to anoint thee to be king over his people, over Israel: now therefore hearken thou unto the voice of the words of the LORD.

²Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt.

So de lard remembers something that happened a few hundred years before.

³Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

Even cute wittle puddie tats

But he seems to have forgotten the bits about not killing and being charitable to strangers..... Alzheimer's is a bitch

⁴And Saul gathered the people together, and numbered them in Telaim, two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah.

Today's Israeli army numbers 187,000 So where did all these people come from?

⁵And Saul came to a city of Amalek, and laid wait in the valley.

⁶And Saul said unto the Kenites, Go, depart, get you down from among the Amalekites, lest I destroy you with them: for ye shewed kindness to all the children of Israel, when they came up out of Egypt. So the Kenites departed from among the Amalekites.

⁷And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt.

⁸And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword.

⁹But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly.

But but de lard said kill everymuthafuckinthing.

¹⁰Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying,

¹¹It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night.

^{What!? Have I read that right? de lard repented.....Repented....... REPENTED}

¹²And when Samuel rose early to meet Saul in the morning, it was told Samuel, saying, Saul came to Carmel, and, behold, he set him up a place, and is gone about, and passed on, and gone down to Gilgal.

¹³And Samuel came to Saul: and Saul said unto him, Blessed be thou of the LORD: I have performed the commandment of the LORD.

¹⁴And Samuel said, What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?

¹⁵And Saul said, They have brought them from the Amalekites: for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God; and the rest we have utterly destroyed.

¹⁷And Samuel said, When thou wast little in thine own sight, wast thou not made the head of the tribes of Israel, and the LORD anointed thee king over Israel?

¹⁸And the LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed.

¹⁹Wherefore then didst thou not obey the voice of the LORD, but didst fly upon the spoil, and didst evil in the sight of the LORD?

²⁰And Saul said unto Samuel, Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the LORD, and have gone the way which the LORD sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have utterly destroyed the Amalekites.

²¹But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the chief of the things which should have been utterly destroyed, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God in Gilgal.

²²And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

²³For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

Young's literal has this

^{²³for a sin of divination [is] rebellion, and iniquity and teraphim [is] stubbornness; because thou hast rejected the word of Jehovah, He also doth reject thee from [being] king.'}

^{The word witch always bothers me. I am convinced it meant wise and the Young's translation shows de lard didn't like Saul thinking for himself. This verse must be the most important verse in the bible to many modern branches of christianity.}

^{Thou shalt not think !}

So why did he give us such a big brain?

²⁴And Saul said unto Samuel, I have sinned: for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD, and thy words: because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice.

²⁵Now therefore, I pray thee, pardon my sin, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD.

²⁶And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel.

²⁷And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent.

²⁸And Samuel said unto him, The LORD hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou.

²⁹And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent.

On the strength of that line alone. if the "strength of Israel" is de lard then if he has not repented then he is a liar. Or Sam is committing the same "sin" that Saul seems to have committed, either not listening to de lard or deciding he meant something different.

I am wondering whether there is a lover's tiff at the root of all this.

³⁰Then he said, I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD thy God.

³¹So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul worshipped the LORD.

Is this them kissing and making up? Is the tent gonna be rockin' tonight?

³²Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

³³And Samuel said, As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.

Ah! Now I see. Samuel is too old, he is as impotent as his god.

³⁴Then Samuel went to Ramah; and Saul went up to his house to Gibeah of Saul.

³⁵And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.

Mr absolutely fucking perfect has admitted he was wrong, and, get this actually feels sorrow!!!

But the bible is the inherent word of god, and de lard is infallible. Hahahahaha.

Christians and Islamists both are constantly professing that their deity knows all, sees all and does not make mistakes. Yet the bible and the koran both state time and again that de lard knows next to fuck all about everything, sees little and fucks up big time, all the time.

2010-12-11T13:03:00.002Z

The other day I received an e-mail from a fellow blogger. Someone calling themselves, "The Frabulous Frog". The mail was just a polite acknowledgement that the Frabulous Frog had written of my endeavors on his blog and hoped I didn't mind.

Why would I mind?

In fact I confess, humbly speaking and with all sincerity to a certain amount of pride and satisfaction, as I have in the past when other people have mentioned me.

So thank you Frabulous Frog, from the bottom of my bottom(I would have said heart but my bottom is bigger)

I have not yet had the chance to read anymore of your work, but I assure you I will.

1 Samuel 14

2010-11-08T14:09:00.009Z

¹Now it came to pass upon a day, that Jonathan the son of Saul said unto the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over to the Philistines' garrison, that is on the other side. But he told not his father.

^{Why mention Young Jonny didn't tell his father? I am fairly sure they did not have mobile phones back then!}

²And Saul tarried in the uttermost part of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree which is in Migron: and the people that were with him were about six hundred men;

Six hundred men, all under one tree. I don't care how "cosy" you want to get that is one fucking big tree.

³And Ahiah, the son of Ahitub, Ichabod's brother, the son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the LORD's priest in Shiloh, wearing an ephod. And the people knew not that Jonathan was gone.

⁴And between the passages, by which Jonathan sought to go over unto the Philistines' garrison, there was a sharp rock on the one side, and a sharp rock on the other side: and the name of the one was Bozez, and the name of the other Seneh.

⁵The forefront of the one was situate northward over against Michmash, and the other southward over against Gibeah.

⁶And Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us: for there is no restraint to the LORD to save by many or by few.

Yes no gays in the bible, and yet everybody is obsessed with penis.

⁷And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart.

⁸Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them.

⁹If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them.

¹⁰But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us.

Sounds like he is going cruising to me.

¹¹And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves.

¹²And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel.

¹³And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him.

¹⁴And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow.

I am sure I can smell something

¹⁵And there was trembling in the host, in the field, and among all the people: the garrison, and the spoilers, they also trembled, and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling.

¹⁶And the watchmen of Saul in Gibeah of Benjamin looked; and, behold, the multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another.

¹⁷Then said Saul unto the people that were with him, Number now, and see who is gone from us. And when they had numbered, behold, Jonathan and his armourbearer were not there.

Two people missing! Not six hundred, ah well easy mistake to make.

¹⁸And Saul said unto Ahiah, Bring hither the ark of God. For the ark of God was at that time with the children of Israel.

¹⁹And it came to pass, while Saul talked unto the priest, that the noise that was in the host of the Philistines went on and increased: and Saul said unto the priest, Withdraw thine hand.

Would that be the fist of god?

²⁰And Saul and all the people that were with him assembled themselves, and they came to the battle: and, behold, every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture.

²¹Moreover the Hebrews that were with the Philistines before that time, which went up with them into the camp from the country round about, even they also turned to be with the Israelites that were with Saul and Jonathan.

²²Likewise all the men of Israel which had hid themselves in mount Ephraim, when they heard that the Philistines fled, even they also followed hard after them in the battle.

This makes me wonder that the word "fled" should be "went away" My reasoning being that if six hundred is in reality two then the total number can be no more than three dozen or so. Knowing the abject cowardice with which the israelites are blessed with I can see the majority of these being the ones that "hid themselves in mount Ephraim".

²³So the LORD saved Israel that day: and the battle passed over unto Bethaven.

De lard instilled the idea to the Philistines that the Israelites were not worth a wank

²⁴And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food.

²⁵And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground.

²⁶And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath.

²⁷But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened.

²⁸Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.

²⁹Then said Jonathan, My father hath troubled the land: see, I pray you, how mine eyes have been enlightened, because I tasted a little of this honey.

³⁰How much more, if haply the people had eaten freely to day of the spoil of their enemies which they found? for had there not been now a much greater slaughter among the Philistines?

³¹And they smote the Philistines that day from Michmash to Aijalon: and the people were very faint.

Would a hungry army may be desperate to fight a bit harder than an army that only had the fact their lives depended on winning? I don't know! but if they are hungry enough to be feeling faint then I would have thought they would not be much good.

³²And the people flew upon the spoil, and took sheep, and oxen, and calves, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

³³Then they told Saul, saying, Behold, the people sin against the LORD, in that they eat with the blood. And he said, Ye have transgressed: roll a great stone unto me this day.

³⁴And Saul said, Disperse yourselves among the people, and say unto them, Bring me hither every man his ox, and every man his sheep, and slay them here, and eat; and sin not against the LORD in eating with the blood. And all the people brought every man his ox with him that night, and slew them there.

³⁵And Saul built an altar unto the LORD: the same was the first altar that he built unto the LORD.

³⁶And Saul said, Let us go down after the Philistines by night, and spoil them until the morning light, and let us not leave a man of them. And they said, Do whatsoever seemeth good unto thee. Then said the priest, Let us draw near hither unto God.

Gay rape and murder, or a saturday night in Iran as it's called today.

³⁷And Saul asked counsel of God, Shall I go down after the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into the hand of Israel? But he answered him not that day.

³⁸And Saul said, Draw ye near hither, all the chief of the people: and know and see wherein this sin hath been this day.

³⁹For, as the LORD liveth, which saveth Israel, though it be in Jonathan my son, he shall surely die. But there was not a man among all the people that answered him.

Really! I am shocked, are they beginning to develop morals and loyalty?

⁴⁰Then said he unto all Israel, Be ye on one side, and I and Jonathan my son will be on the other side. And the people said unto Saul, Do what seemeth good unto thee.

⁴¹Therefore Saul said unto the LORD God of Israel, Give a perfect lot. And Saul and Jonathan were taken: but the people escaped.

⁴²And Saul said, Cast lots between me and Jonathan my son. And Jonathan was taken.

⁴³Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die.

⁴⁴And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely die, Jonathan.

⁴⁵And the people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.

They went against the orders of de lard?

⁴⁶Then Saul went up from following the Philistines: and the Philistines went to their own place.

⁴⁷So Saul took the kingdom over Israel, and fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them.

⁴⁸And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them.

⁴⁹Now the sons of Saul were Jonathan, and Ishui, and Melchishua: and the names of his two daughters were these; the name of the firstborn Merab, and the name of the younger Michal:

⁵⁰And the name of Saul's wife was Ahinoam, the daughter of Ahimaaz: and the name of the captain of his host was Abner, the son of Ner, Saul's uncle.

⁵¹And Kish was the father of Saul; and Ner the father of Abner was the son of Abiel.

⁵²And there was sore war against the Philistines all the days of Saul: and when Saul saw any strong man, or any man, he took him unto him.

1 Samuel 13

2010-11-07T16:01:00.009Z

¹Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel,

²Saul chose him three thousand men of Israel; whereof two thousand were with Saul in Michmash and in mount Bethel, and a thousand were with Jonathan in Gibeah of Benjamin: and the rest of the people he sent every man to his tent.

Surely not all at once.

³And Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba, and the Philistines heard of it. And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear.

No surprise there, it's fairly obvious Saul can blow well.

⁴And all Israel heard say that Saul had smitten a garrison of the Philistines, and that Israel also was had in abomination with the Philistines. And the people were called together after Saul to Gilgal.

⁵And the Philistines gathered themselves together to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people as the sand which is on the sea shore in multitude: and they came up, and pitched in Michmash, eastward from Bethaven.

⁶When the men of Israel saw that they were in a strait, (for the people were distressed,) then the people did hide themselves in caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, and in high places, and in pits.

So the Israelites legendary bravery and heroism shows itself.

⁷And some of the Hebrews went over Jordan to the land of Gad and Gilead. As for Saul, he was yet in Gilgal, and all the people followed him trembling.

⁸And he tarried seven days, according to the set time that Samuel had appointed: but Samuel came not to Gilgal; and the people were scattered from him.

So these invaders are very patient, surely if you were invading you would subdue the locals as quickly as possible, not allow them to organise a rebellion?

⁹And Saul said, Bring hither a burnt offering to me, and peace offerings. And he offered the burnt offering.

So Samuel can be summoned by a burnt offering does that mean he is equal to de lard or is it just coincidence.

¹⁰And it came to pass, that as soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, behold, Samuel came; and Saul went out to meet him, that he might salute him.

With what part of his body?

¹¹And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw that the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash;

Oh dear they are like an old married couple..."Where the bloody hell have you been? There you are off galavanting around the country turning up a week late when I am trying to clear up this mess you left me with. Not to mention your suppers ruined burnt to a crisp it is."

¹²Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the LORD: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering.

¹³And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.

"Don't blame me it is all your fault"

¹⁴But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.

"and don't go blaming god neither, it's not his fault if he chose the wrong man for the job. Yes I know he is all knowing but you can't expect him to know everything now can you.

¹⁵And Samuel arose, and gat him up from Gilgal unto Gibeah of Benjamin. And Saul numbered the people that were present with him, about six hundred men.

¹⁶And Saul, and Jonathan his son, and the people that were present with them, abode in Gibeah of Benjamin: but the Philistines encamped in Michmash.

¹⁷And the spoilers came out of the camp of the Philistines in three companies: one company turned unto the way that leadeth to Ophrah, unto the land of Shual:

The amplified bible has raider's

¹⁸And another company turned the way to Bethhoron: and another company turned to the way of the border that looketh to the valley of Zeboim toward the wilderness.

¹⁹Now there was no smith found throughout all the land of Israel: for the Philistines said, Lest the Hebrews make them swords or spears:

²⁰But all the Israelites went down to the Philistines, to sharpen every man his share, and his coulter, and his axe, and his mattock.

²¹Yet they had a file for the mattocks, and for the coulters, and for the forks, and for the axes, and to sharpen the goads.

Amplified has the following for the last verse

²¹And the price for plowshares and mattocks was a pim, and a third of a shekel for axes and for setting goads [with resulting blunt edges on the sickles, mattocks, forks, axes, and goads.]

NLT has this

²¹ (The charges were as follows: a quarter of an ounce of silver^[f] for sharpening a plowshare or a pick, and an eighth of an ounce^[g] for sharpening an ax, a sickle, or an ox goad.)

I cannot believe I am reading this correctly.

The Philistines are apparently invading, thousands of israelites have shat themselves and ran away.

The Israelites have managed to round up six hundred men willing to fight, but have no weapons, save a few assorted, but blunt farming implements. These are then taken to the Philistines to be sharpened and they pay for them to do this. The Philistines actually do this.

This does not come across as the actions of an invading army more like a band of traveling artisans.

²²So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found.

Six hundred farmers bravely sending an army (from verse 5)"And the Philistines gathered themselves together to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people as the sand which is on the sea shore in multitude" running with their tails between thier legs

Or six hundred bloodthirsty bastards attacking an unsuspecting gypsy caravan tryng to earn an honest living?

²³And the garrison of the Philistines went out to the passage of Michmash.

1 Samuel 12

2010-11-02T11:40:00.006Z

¹And Samuel said unto all Israel, Behold, I have hearkened unto your voice in all that ye said unto me, and have made a king over you.

²And now, behold, the king walketh before you: and I am old and grayheaded; and, behold, my sons are with you: and I have walked before you from my childhood unto this day.

³Behold, here I am: witness against me before the LORD, and before his anointed: whose ox have I taken? or whose ass have I taken? or whom have I defrauded? whom have I oppressed? or of whose hand have I received any bribe to blind mine eyes therewith? and I will restore it you.

^{We are all agreed whose ass was taken.}

⁴And they said, Thou hast not defrauded us, nor oppressed us, neither hast thou taken ought of any man's hand.

⁵And he said unto them, The LORD is witness against you, and his anointed is witness this day, that ye have not found ought in my hand. And they answered, He is witness.

⁶And Samuel said unto the people, It is the LORD that advanced Moses and Aaron, and that brought your fathers up out of the land of Egypt.

⁷Now therefore stand still, that I may reason with you before the LORD of all the righteous acts of the LORD, which he did to you and to your fathers.

I have mentioned on occasion how words over time can change their meanings. "Awful" at one time meant just that.. "Full of Awe."

Was there ever a time that "Righteous" meant "Total and utter Cunt" ?

⁸When Jacob was come into Egypt, and your fathers cried unto the LORD, then the LORD sent Moses and Aaron, which brought forth your fathers out of Egypt, and made them dwell in this place.

You remember Jacob he liked "nocturnal wrestling matches" with messengers from de lard.

⁹And when they forgat the LORD their God, he sold them into the hand of Sisera, captain of the host of Hazor, and into the hand of the Philistines, and into the hand of the king of Moab, and they fought against them.

As previous observations of mine have pointed out, the Israelites were so impressed with the power of de lard that they managed to forget all about it in a few months. I have seen musicians that have had a bigger and more lasting impression on me

¹⁰And they cried unto the LORD, and said, We have sinned, because we have forsaken the LORD, and have served Baalim and Ashtaroth: but now deliver us out of the hand of our enemies, and we will serve thee.

¹¹And the LORD sent Jerubbaal, and Bedan, and Jephthah, and Samuel, and delivered you out of the hand of your enemies on every side, and ye dwelled safe.

Nothing whatever to do with the Ammonites stupidly, offering a merciful compromise, than total destruction. Giving the Israelites time to organise a counter attack.

¹²And when ye saw that Nahash the king of the children of Ammon came against you, ye said unto me, Nay; but a king shall reign over us: when the LORD your God was your king.

¹³Now therefore behold the king whom ye have chosen, and whom ye have desired! and, behold, the LORD hath set a king over you.

And Sam over him, no doubt.

¹⁴If ye will fear the LORD, and serve him, and obey his voice, and not rebel against the commandment of the LORD, then shall both ye and also the king that reigneth over you continue following the LORD your God:

¹⁵But if ye will not obey the voice of the LORD, but rebel against the commandment of the LORD, then shall the hand of the LORD be against you, as it was against your fathers.

Not obey the voice of de lard? How

¹⁶Now therefore stand and see this great thing, which the LORD will do before your eyes.

Great thing? Bet it involves some destruction, a bit of malicious chicanery either by aimple tricks or something natural that any idiot could see was coming.

¹⁷Is it not wheat harvest to day? I will call unto the LORD, and he shall send thunder and rain; that ye may perceive and see that your wickedness is great, which ye have done in the sight of the LORD, in asking you a king.

I wonder which method of divination he used, pine cones or looking up and seeing black clouds heading his way?

¹⁸So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain that day: and all the people greatly feared the LORD and Samuel.

In England we have miracles like these all the time, we call it weather.

¹⁹And all the people said unto Samuel, Pray for thy servants unto the LORD thy God, that we die not: for we have added unto all our sins this evil, to ask us a king.

²⁰And Samuel said unto the people, Fear not: ye have done all this wickedness: yet turn not aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart;

Yes they committed the great sin of a democratic decision.

They demanded a King so Sam gave them a King. A king he could manipulate, in more ways than one.

²¹And turn ye not aside: for then should ye go after vain things, which cannot profit nor deliver; for they are vain.

²²For the LORD will not forsake his people for his great name's sake: because it hath pleased the LORD to make you his people.

Till next time he forgets about his chosen ones of course.

²³Moreover as for me, God forbid that I should sin against the LORD in ceasing to pray for you: but I will teach you the good and the right way:

²⁴Only fear the LORD, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you.

Like killing 50,000 of them as soon as they got the ark back.

²⁵But if ye shall still do wickedly, ye shall be consumed, both ye and your king.

1 Samuel 11

2010-11-01T23:08:00.011Z

¹Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee.

Did they or would they have given the Midianites and Canaanites the same consideration when they were on their rampage?

²And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel.

Seems a bit harsh at first but considering the catalogue of war crimes committed by them, I think that can be regarded as getting off lightly.

³And the elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days' respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee.

Why am I thinking that the Ammonites( could they be Egyptians?)would be better off giving the Israelites a taste of their own medicine and killing every living thing ?

⁴Then came the messengers to Gibeah of Saul, and told the tidings in the ears of the people: and all the people lifted up their voices, and wept.

⁵And, behold, Saul came after the herd out of the field; and Saul said, What aileth the people that they weep? And they told him the tidings of the men of Jabesh.

⁶And the Spirit of God came upon Saul when he heard those tidings, and his anger was kindled greatly.

So de lards holy spirit came on Saul and he was angry? Why is it nowadays that when people apparently have the holy spirit come on them they start jumping around like twats and speaking gibberish.

⁷And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers, saying, Whosoever cometh not forth after Saul and after Samuel, so shall it be done unto his oxen. And the fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent.

There is still a lot of coming and coming out going on. But I digress, fear of de lard I don't think so. Fear of Sam's Sperm receptacle maybe but unlike Sam I don't think de lard came into it.

⁸And when he numbered them in Bezek, the children of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand.

⁹And they said unto the messengers that came, Thus shall ye say unto the men of Jabeshgilead, To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad.

It seems I was right. Does that make me a prophet?

¹⁰Therefore the men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you.

Does that really say that?

Quite a few years ago a well known set of children's books were censored because Noddy had gay curtains and Noddy and Big Ears slept in the same bed. Modern editions say Noddy has cheerful curtains, and of course Noddy and Big Ears no longer share the same bed.

If they can insist this is done for innocent children's books why is the same not done for this seemingly endless catalogue of crimes against humanity?

¹¹And it was so on the morrow, that Saul put the people in three companies; and they came into the midst of the host in the morning watch, and slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together.

So loving thy neighbor, not killing, being nice to strangers and repaying what you owe, not being important commandments then.

¹²And the people said unto Samuel, Who is he that said, Shall Saul reign over us? bring the men, that we may put them to death.

¹³And Saul said, There shall not a man be put to death this day: for to day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel.

Well, that proves the things I have been saying over the last few chapters. If Saul is not gay then neither is Elton John.

¹⁴Then said Samuel to the people, Come, and let us go to Gilgal, and renew the kingdom there.

¹⁵And all the people went to Gilgal; and there they made Saul king before the LORD in Gilgal; and there they sacrificed sacrifices of peace offerings before the LORD; and there Saul and all the men of Israel rejoiced greatly.

Yep after a long bloodthirsty battle you can't beat a long bloodthirsty line of sacrificial peace offerings can you.

1 Samuel 10

2010-11-01T04:43:00.006Z

¹Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon his head, and kissed him, and said, Is it not because the LORD hath anointed thee to be captain over his inheritance?

Hope you are remembering this boys and girls first Samuel is full of Samuel breaking the taboos apparently laid down in Leviticus. While Saul is apparently full of Samuel.

²When thou art departed from me to day, then thou shalt find two men by Rachel's sepulchre in the border of Benjamin at Zelzah; and they will say unto thee, The asses which thou wentest to seek are found: and, lo, thy father hath left the care of the asses, and sorroweth for you, saying, What shall I do for my son?

Is that the grave of Jacob's wife?

³Then shalt thou go on forward from thence, and thou shalt come to the plain of Tabor, and there shall meet thee three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a bottle of wine:

⁴And they will salute thee, and give thee two loaves of bread; which thou shalt receive of their hands.

⁵After that thou shalt come to the hill of God, where is the garrison of the Philistines: and it shall come to pass, when thou art come thither to the city, that thou shalt meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with a psaltery, and a tabret, and a pipe, and a harp, before them; and they shall prophesy:

⁶And the Spirit of the LORD will come upon thee, and thou shalt prophesy with them, and shalt be turned into another man.

⁷And let it be, when these signs are come unto thee, that thou do as occasion serve thee; for God is with thee.

⁸And thou shalt go down before me to Gilgal; and, behold, I will come down unto thee, to offer burnt offerings, and to sacrifice sacrifices of peace offerings: seven days shalt thou tarry, till I come to thee, and shew thee what thou shalt do.

⁹And it was so, that when he had turned his back to go from Samuel, God gave him another heart: and all those signs came to pass that day.

Cool de lard has turned him into a time lord.

¹⁰And when they came thither to the hill, behold, a company of prophets met him; and the Spirit of God came upon him, and he prophesied among them.

Is that a name for a group of prophets, like a gaggle of geese or a wunch of bankers?

¹¹And it came to pass, when all that knew him beforetime saw that, behold, he prophesied among the prophets, then the people said one to another, What is this that is come unto the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets?

No he just had Samuel cum unto him.................... several times

¹²And one of the same place answered and said, But who is their father? Therefore it became a proverb, Is Saul also among the prophets?

Thats twice they asked that question. As prophets go they aren't very good are they?

¹³And when he had made an end of prophesying, he came to the high place.

¹⁴And Saul's uncle said unto him and to his servant, Whither went ye? And he said, To seek the asses: and when we saw that they were no where, we came to Samuel.

Saul's uncle where did he come from? Not so much as an"enters stage left" and there he is.

¹⁵And Saul's uncle said, Tell me, I pray thee, what Samuel said unto you.

Uh, uh , uh,uh,uhggodddyyeessss

¹⁶And Saul said unto his uncle, He told us plainly that the asses were found. But of the matter of the kingdom, whereof Samuel spake, he told him not.

¹⁷And Samuel called the people together unto the LORD to Mizpeh;

Continuity not a big thing in scripture then

¹⁸And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I brought up Israel out of Egypt, and delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians, and out of the hand of all kingdoms, and of them that oppressed you:

You remember that oppression, the bastard Midianites etc. Oppressing the Israelites by minding their own business, living happily and peacefully in their cities, till the Israelites came along, and with mercy and charity, graciously relieved them of the burden of living.

¹⁹And ye have this day rejected your God, who himself saved you out of all your adversities and your tribulations; and ye have said unto him, Nay, but set a king over us. Now therefore present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands.

²⁰And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken.

The whole tribe, that is some gang bang!

²¹When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken, and Saul the son of Kish was taken: and when they sought him, he could not be found.

So Samuel or Saul wanked off the whole tribe of Benjamin, Must have been Saul he has probably gone for a lie down. He would need a rest after that. What is hebrew for bukkake?

²²Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff.

I repeat What is hebrew for bukkake?

²³And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward.

²⁴And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king.

Has de lard transported every one to England?

²⁵Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in a book, and laid it up before the LORD. And Samuel sent all the people away, every man to his house.

Did they have books then? I thought it was all scrolls, complete and utter scrolls.

²⁶And Saul also went home to Gibeah; and there went with him a band of men, whose hearts God had touched.

Hearts? Would that be like Captain Beefheart?

²⁷But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents. But he held his piece.

Ok they brought him no presents but that is really no reason to start playing with your piece. Makes me wonder though did they have some herbal viagra?