And another thing ... Rich rants

Riots

2011-08-12T16:23:00.001+01:00

Yesterday Parliament was recalled with hundreds of thieves helping themselves to whatever they wanted with total disregard for the law. And later, after claiming their expenses they talked about the riots.

Interesting that various football games have been cancelled. Presumably this is due to concerns over health and safety. After all, it would be unreasonable to expect the little darlings to have to riot in two different places in one day.

Predicting where riots may or may not occur – easy. Simply look at the town or city concerned and award them two points for each Premiership football team or international cricket venue they have. Award one point for a lower division football league team or a county cricket ground. Get four points or more and you have riots. Try it, it works!

In television news, it has been reported that ITV are preparing a new gameshow. Teams led by Jordan and a star of horror films (called Vincent) will attempt to help themselves to goods from shop windows as the Police look on. It will be called The Prices Riot. Come on down.

How to prevent it happening again – simple too. Provide every organisation for gay people in the country a free lifetime supply of hoodies. Make it a legal requirement for any hoodie made or imported to have “Proud to be gay” in large letters, front and back. Job done.

NewslinkSummer 2011

2011-08-03T10:53:00.001+01:00

Can someone please explain …

It’s a funny old world. Barack Obama has to publish his birth certificate to convince people that he is American then he immediately starts drinking the black stuff and telling everyone he’s Irish. Meanwhile, in Carmarthenshire, “The Plough” is offering three course doggy meals such as salmon & prawn stir fried noodles followed by rump steak risotto with green beans washed down by chocolate and marrowbone ice cream (£5). Strangest of all, 38 ladies sign a form asking for their own version of a Pussyfoot night and when a meeting is held to make the arrangements and collect a deposit, only a handful turn up. Someone pass me a Guinness, to be sure.

Sports and games news

I feel a super injunction (or a slap!) coming my way …

Snooker

Once again, after the annual Frank Sellick two-leg snooker competition with the Southbourne Ex-Servicemen’s Club, the bitter taste of defeat was on our lips.

Asked for a quote, team captain Rob “Uncle Albert” Boulton said “When I was in the Navy …” and we stopped listening at that point.

Losing captain Rob Boulton receives the Eddie Carr Trophy

To be fair to Rob, he did also win this year’s Eddie Carr Trophy (a round robin tournament using just three reds) and was presented with his prize by Paul Rogers. Asked for a quote, he responded “During the war …”

Cricket

No doubt you will have seen the irritating moustachioed mock-Mexican wrestler advertising train travel on TV. He looks at animals for inspiration for his wrestling moves. Pillock. However, not to be outdone, the President has tried to bring this innovation into the game of cricket. Laurie’s trick, known as “The Sea lion” is to catch a cricket ball on the end of his nose. Unfortunately, the first public demonstration at New Milton Cricket Ground merely resulted in large quantities of spilt blood and the loss of a wicket for a certain unlucky bowler who still hasn’t received a pint in lieu of the dropped dolly catch!

Poker

Mark Anderson (right) won the recent poker league after a 13 week competition whilst Lee Haskell (left) took the cash for victory in the Final.

Fantasy Football League by Paul Rogers

The Premiership came to its conclusion on the 22nd May 2011.

Chris Nicholls (right) became the winner of the competition, with Jackie Goss and Dave Davies second and third respectively. Chris came with a late run, taking the lead in Gameweek 36. Jackie and Dave contested the lead for most of the season with Derek Ellwood and Adrian Prosser taking the lead on occasion.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the managers for taking part, I for one am missing it already.

Keep an eye on the notice board for the next competition in July/August. We will be introducing an entry free of £5.00 for managers, but if you don’t want to pay the entry fee, you can still take part, you just won’t win the money if you come in the first three. Hopefully there will be enough managers for 1st, 2nd and 3rd prizes.

If you require anymore information please contact me at 0780 693 9132 or email website@mudefordmens.co.uk

Charity cheque presentations

Sun 6^th March saw our annual cheque presentations to local good causes. But before that, we had to award the prize to the Balloon Race winner. This year it was Joyce Masterman who’s balloon got as far as Sassenberg (

Germany

) – although some arrived back after the closing date from even further afield! The balloon was found by “Frieda” (left) who subsequently went on to feature several times in our local press!

Most impressively, on receiving her winner’s cheque, Joyce had no hesitation in donating it to “Help For Heroes” – a wonderful gesture.

The money raised this year was distributed as follows:

Mudeford RNLI - £250

Headway Poole - £750

Burton Under 7s Football Team - £1,000

Prostate Cancer Network Dorset - £1,000

Dorset and Somerset Air Ambulance - £1,000

The Mayor’s Charity Fund (which included Action For Youth In Christchurch) - £1,000

Help For Heroes (separate events and collections organised by Ray Reddell) - £600

A fantastic effort and thanks go to all those who helped and everyone who put their hand in their pocket to generate this amazing amount of money.

Entertainment news

What’s coming up …

Well, to be honest, July is just taking shape now so I won’t be able to tell you much as we had to keep it blank in case there was a Ladies’ Pussyfoot night to organise. Here’s June and a bit of July though …

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Date	What’s on …
Thu 02 June	Ladies Darts Presentation with disco, 11:30 bar
Sat 04 June	The Mudeford Crabs
Sat 11 June	Filmed Race Night
Sun 12 June	Just Jeff, new act, lunchtime
Fri 17 June	Men’s Darts Presentation with disco and late bar
Sat 18 June	Alpine Roadshow Disco with a late bar for a party
Sat 25 June	Pussyfoot Dinner (ticket holders only in the Lounge) with a late bar.
Sat 02 July	TBA – Typical, band cancelled just as we were going to press!
Sat 09 July	Coroma Disco with an extension for a party
Sun 10 July	Paul Hammond (lunchtime)

Royal Wedding Day

I think it’s fair to say that a good time was had by all! The children were allowed in as a one off and it was a great success with a fantastic atmosphere and some rather nice bar takings too!

Special thanks to members of the Entertainments Committee who were on hand at 8am to decorate the room, Gordon, who was around from 6:30am, Paul Rogers for his entertaining “Killer” competitions, Jill Rogers and Liz Westall who spent many happy hours serving up hog roasts, Dave Hastings for organising a Poker tournament, the band Blowin’ Free and of course the Bar Staff who were kept pretty busy!

Next year it’s the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and we can do it all over again.

Ladies’ Night – Part 1

You may well have seen the emails, notices in the Club or heard announcements regarding Ladies’ Night. A number of ladies expressed a desire for a version of Pussyfoot for the girls. A meeting was called to make plans with the proviso that if 40 ladies paid a £10 deposit then the event would go ahead.

Come the day, there were two ladies members along with the four who sit on the Entertainments Committee present. So, no go for this year. It doesn’t have to be a meal or a theatre trip – with enough demand both could be done.

If ladies particularly want this event in the future, there are certain logistical problems to be overcome. Volunteers make the Men’s event happen. There is a lot of seafood to be prepared along with a lot of salad and eggs. Prawn cocktails have to be prepared. The waiting is all done by volunteers as is setting up the room and the fetching of the chairs from the Village Hall. If you want an event like this ladies, then you will need to recruit a decent sized workforce although I’m sure that some of the chaps will be pleased to help out too.

And before anyone else asks the question, no you can’t have nude male waiters!

Ladies’ Night – Part 2

The good news is that Sharon has negotiated a great deal for the girls and the discounts she has obtained are improved still further by a nice little subsidy courtesy of the Treasurer.

So, on Wednesday 3^rd August you can enjoy a trip to the Pavilion to see Calendar Girls featuring Lesley Joseph, Ruth Madoc and many others. You get this for just £20 including coach transport which is considerably less than the people around you will pay just for their theatre seats!

What’s more, if it is a late finish, the Club will be kept open so you can have a post-show drink. Tickets go on sale on Thursday 9^th June at 7:30 in the Lounge.

Easter Egg Draw – Sun 17^th April

This event was a great success with some lovely eggs to be won and thanks to some hard work from the like of Judy Janes and the Bar Staff, we were able to put over £300 into the Charity pot.

Paul Lyne won the big egg and generously put it back to be auctioned. Kevin Robinson then paid £30 for it.

Vouchers for schools

Again we’ve got a huge pile of vouchers to donate to local schools. The offer ends very soon so please get any vouchers you may have down to the Club ASAP.

The refurbishment

As everyone must now be aware the Club is undergoing a bit of a transformation at the moment. We’ve got new ceilings and lighting, a new paint job and a re-varnished dance floor. The new blinds, curtains and furniture should appear this month, probably after Pussyfoot, so that it doesn’t get immediately stained with fishy juices.

Also, did you know that the Club is now a WiFi hotspot so you should be able to easily access the web and email from you laptops or phones.

MMC website – by Paul Rogers

It is now a year since I became the Administrator of the Mudeford Men’s Club Website. I will be changing some of the pages, these may appear under different buttons. This work will be ongoing and I will let members know when it has been completed. When you come to the Club for an event, take photos telling me what event, who the people are in them. At some stage I want to have galleries on the website. Send your photos to paul.c.rogers@sky.com.

Book sales

Ray “Play your cards right” Watson has taken on the task of organising second hand book sales on occasional Sunday lunchtimes. All monies made on sales will go towards the charity fund.

So, keep an eye on the Notice Board for details of upcoming sales and, if you have any books you no longer require, please consider donating them.

The Mickey House Trophy

At the time of writing, our opponents (The Con Club) seem a bit unenthusiastic about getting a team together for this year’s event. I wonder if that could have anything to do with the score last year?????

Club catering

If you haven’t been in recently then be aware that normal service has been resumed with Gordon and Jacky again running the kitchen and providing a range of great value meals and snacks. It’s for your benefit, so take advantage!

Coming up …

Pussyfoot Dinner – Sat 25^th June

A sit down dinner, entry by ticket bought in advance. Still a few tickets left (£27.50). Ask at the bar or see Richard Leyshon.

Marrow Competition – Sunday 4^th September

Get planting now. There are rumours afoot of a “Dress a wooden spoon” competition. Watch this space.

Ascot trip - Sat 23^rd July

Tickets for Ascot will go on sale in the Club on Tuesday 7^th June at 7:30pm. Tickets will be priced at £30.

The cost includes your coach travel, entry fee to the course and a buffet. All enquiries to Sharon Morgan.

Committee elections and AGM

As seems to be the case most years, everyone seeking re-election got back in. Kim Nicholls stood down after serving two years and he was replaced by Paul Sadler.

At the AGM, motions were defeated that would have

a) allowed children in the Lounge on Party Nights and

b) Had yearly elections for the job of Secretary.

There was considerable hushed sniggering caused by a slip of the tongue which resulted in Paul Rogers’ excellent Club Website referred to as “the webshite.”

Your letters and emails

Not only a fine selection of jokes this month but a real letter! We now have so many jokes from the last five years, it might be an idea to print a booklet for a couple of quid a pop for Club funds. What do you think?

From Phil Oliver, and, as one of our only ever serious submissions, it wins the £10 of drinks over the bar.

What a BRILLIANT band!

Dr Strangebrew were awesome last Sat but unfortunately ruined by a complete lack of judgement on the part of whomever decides what time to shut the bar.

The band were obviously up for a late one, proven by the fact that they were sill playing at 11-20. Unfortunately you guys still think that pubs shut at 11, they don't. Pubs shut when the Bar staff or lastly the punters have had enough. Our club needs money, so stay open & get it.

Gordon made a big deal of getting a 1AM licence back when new Labour changed the licensing laws but, apart from Xmas it’s never used! It’s not an extension, its legally permitted opening hours.

We didn't need 1AM on Sat but we also didn't need 11, would 1130 been too much to expect?

I love the club, but really, get a grip!
Make the place somewhere people want to go, it'll be packed & we'll all be better off.

Yours,

Phil O

The Committee was asked if it would like to respond and they requested that I do so, so here goes …

Unfortunately it is very difficult to predict numbers on Saturday nights. Yes, we do get nights when an unexpectedly large crowd turns up but it really isn’t fair to expect the bar staff to then work additional, unsociable hours without any notice.

On a “normal” Saturday, if it’s not a Bank Holiday or a tribute act and nobody has booked a party then we can sometimes have quite a small crowd and the economics of longer staff hours and longer hours for entertainers become an issue.

This year, in the Mar/Apr/May period we had 8 late bars out of 13 on Saturdays. The previous three years were all 4 or 5 so I think we are becoming more flexible in this regard. Whenever it is known in advance that a good crowd is likely, a midnight bar is organised.

If there is an easy solution to this problem, I don’t know what it is. Perhaps someone has some ideas?

From Dave Hastings (wins a pint) …

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

----------

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!'

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: 'I found out who pi**ed in your saxophone.'

From Ray Watson (also wins a pint) …

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Contact Newslink

Write to Newslink via the Club.

E-mail via the Club web site.

Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxxxxxxxx

Newslink Spring 2011

2011-03-16T10:22:00.001Z

This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.
NEWSLINK

The Newsletter of the

Mudeford Men’s Club

Spring 2011

There it was, gone!

Always the way. Newslink was ready to print when suddenly lots of stuff came in. So, my leader column had to go to make room. A relief to all I’m sure.

2010/11 charity fundraising.

On Sunday 6th March we will have the charity cheque presentation ceremony at lunchtime. Thanks to the generosity of the members who took part as well as those that made donations and all the local businesses that did the same, we will again be making really meaningful donations to some great local causes.

Some facts and figures about the fundraising:

The Grand Boxing Day Auction raised £1298.

The Balloon Race, raised around £300 and was postponed for a week due to some dodgy wind heading straight for Mexico which seemed a little optimistic for a balloon to manage. At the time of writing, several have been returned with the current leader being in Holland. The winner will be announced on the 6th March.

Early experiments with a new flying machine prove unsuccessful for Liz

Name the reindeer was won by Tim Tad.

Peter Fisher had the closest guess as to how much was in the bottle on the bar (£229.95) and wins a large bottle of whisky.

The cut glass decanter filled with coins (donated by Myra Cook) raised over £100 and was won by Ray Reddell who donated the coins to Help For Heroes (although there wasn’t as much cash in there as any of us had thought – under a tenner!)

The flat screen TV and DVD player donated by Pete Dodd raised a massive £250 and was won by John Dalton. John very kindly then donated another £40 to the charity fund!

Teresa jolly good fellow!

Sadly, Teresa Fooks did her last shift behind the bar on 7th January before going off to a new job in Ringwood. I’m sure we will all miss her and her sense of humour behind the bar and we all wish her the very best of luck.

A century for Bill

Bill Cleiffe celebrated his 100th birthday in December with family and friends. He had his usual game of snooker and was presented with some food and champagne by the Club. Bill who still plays without specs is a former test pilot on Spitfires, Hurricanes and about 50 other aircraft types. The story got picked up by the nationals and Bill was featured in the News of the World!

Entertainment news

I’ll be honest, I was looking forward to seeing another Elvis impersonator about as much as a trip to the dentist. Craig Jefferson and The Wonder of Elvis Band changed my mind. Judging from the reaction we may have to do this again in a year or two!

Apologies to those who came to the War of the Worlds live DVD night, for the sound problems. It turned out that when we plugged in the HDMI lead to the laptop, it decided that we must be using a surround sound system and changed the audio output from stereo to 6 channel leading to the distortion. We’ll know for next time.

On the subject of DVD nights, Wii nights etc, again one or two comments have been made. Just to explain, it was decided to try and keep January a low cost month since many people will be short of cash after Christmas and perhaps not coming out. The money saved paid for the Elvis night in February. Rest assured that there are no more of these evenings planned until July/August when numbers also tend to be down, due to the holiday season.

What’s coming up …

March

5th Cabaret night - Ext

6th (lunch) Charity cheques presented, Balloon Race results, music from Adagio

12th Mr Wiseguy

19th Coroma Disco - Ext

20th (lunch) Paul Hammond

26th Dr Strangebrew

April

2nd Movin’ On

3rd (lunch) Martin Boucher

9th Blitz Disco (possible Ext, TBC)

16th Filmed Race Night

23rd Easter Disco – Pete Mitchell - Ext

24th (lunch) Paul Hammond

29th (day) Royal Wedding + Blowin’ Free

30th TBA - Ext

May

7th DJ Langer TBC - Ext

14th Catch 22

15th (lunch) Laurence

21st State of Undress

28th Pacific Heights Disco - Ext

29th (lunch) TBA

We got a great crowd in for the Abba night in December with most people seeming to thoroughly enjoy themselves. One or two comments were made about the use of backing tapes but there are two things to remember here. Firstly, both the guitar and the keyboards were being played live, trust me. Secondly, Abba required 16 people on stage to re-create those songs so with a band of four, clearly they can’t do it all themselves!

As you’ll know, there is no dinner dance this year but hopefully, next year, we will return to a newly refurbished Hoburne. By way of a bit of compensation however, we have a Cabaret Night for you on what would have been the Dinner Dance weekend – Sat 5th March.

As ever, this is free to members (make sure you have your card for inspection) and non-members can be signed in for a very small fee.

In what will hopefully be a great line up we have music from the Blues Brothers and Soul Sisters and comedy magic from Roy Charles.

The evening will close with madcap comedian (also the lead singer with the Rocking Berries for those of a certain age!) Jay McGee. Jay is larger than life in every sense and not to be missed.

First act will be about 8:30pm with a short break between each for smokers/drinkers to attend to their needs! Midnight bar too.

Christmas Competitions

Sloe Gin

1st - Emmit Kirkby (48)

2nd - Pip Langdon (47)

3rd - George Cousins (38)

The President looks like he may have sampled a few entries …

Over 60s snooker doubles

Winners: Ken Ellwood and Chas Denney
Runners-up: Jack Halliwell and Stan Cording

Yet more trophies (and bottles) for Ken and Chas!

Over 60s snooker singles

Winner: Ken Ellwood
Runner-up: Jack Halliwell

Men’s Darts singles

Winner: Phil Weeks
Runner-up: Matt Ramsier

Men’s Darts doubles

Winners: Martin Wood and Brett Wood
Runners-up: Luke Ramsier and Matt Ramsier

Ladies’ Darts

Winner: Liz Westall
Runner-up: Shelagh Vines

Mixed Darts

Winners: Mark Grimes and June Pettengell
Runners-up: Mark Calder and Alex Calder

Cribbage singles

Winner: Chas Denney
Runner-up: Alan Baker

Cribbage doubles – still not finished as far as we know!

Snooker

Winner: Joe Egan
Runner-up: Jonathan Beavis

Billiards

Winner: Tony Mathews
Runner-up: Rob Boulton

Dominoes singles

Winner: Trish Goodman
Runner-up: Julia Brolan

Dominoes doubles

Winners: Ken Ellwood and Norman Grindley
Runners-up: Ray Goodman and Trish Goodman

Poker Heads-Up

Winner: Neil Haskell
Runner-up: Paul Meade

Pussyfoot – June

This could be a contentious issue and we could even generate a letter to Newslink – the second one in five years! The situation is this: under the new Equality Laws, it is thought that the Club cannot run an event that only part of the membership can attend. So, ladies should be able to attend Pussyfoot and men should be able to attend Ladies’ night.

A number of ladies have said they want to go to Pussyfoot and various others have said that they think it should remain a men-only tradition, possibly with a Ladies Pussyfoot being organised for them!

Whatever the Committee decides to do, it will be controversial but if you want to send in your views and we have enough, we can do a one page Newslink special on the subject (as by the time of the next Newslink, tickets will probably already be on sale).

Royal Wedding Day

Whether you’re a staunch royalist or a committed republican, one thing is for sure – the Royal Wedding gives us a free Bank Holiday so let’s make the most of it!

At the time of writing, plans are constantly evolving but here’s roughly what we think will happen:

• Club open at 10am with the big screen on for the nuptials (service at 11am).

• Children WILL be allowed in and can bring along (quiet!) games to play. A few kind volunteers may also run some games for the kids.

• There is a darts match in the evening so children to be off the premises by 7pm.

• There will be a hog roast in the car park. The caterers will be working as normal.

• Live music after the wedding from Blowin’ Free

• For those (mainly men I’m guessing) that are less than interested there will be activities in the John Boyt Bar such as poker and a snooker “Killer” competition.

President finds another internet bargain!

You may remember the President’s “bargain” internet tickets for Paul McCartney which turned out to be tickets to hire a locker for the day. He seems to have excelled himself again as when he and Tricia turned up in South Africa, the hotel claimed to have no knowledge of the booking!

Coming soon …

16th March – Annual General Meeting 8pm.

March/April – Election of Officers and Committee

19th March – Eddie Carr Trophy

17th April – Easter Egg Draw

April – Frank Selleck Trophy

May – Pussyfoot competitions begin

What you’ve missed …

The Christmas draw was another great success – especially since I did well for once!

The Children’s party and panto trips were again enjoyed by many youngsters.

Your letters and emails

As usual, nothing but jokes this month. I can accept the fact that I’ve heard most of them before but honestly, quite a few have already been printed in Newslink!

From Ray Watson - Puns for those with a higher IQ

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done

I like these so much, I’m awarding a first ever TWO pints! But wait, there’s more from Ray …

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 .........

NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

THIS IS SO STRANGE......NO MATTER HOW U (sic – Ed) DO IT, IT'S 111.....

Now,

a) Not too surprising that if you add your age to the year you were born, you get the current year (the 11 part)!

b) If you were born after 1999 you do not in fact get 111!

One of your two pints taken away again for not checking your figures Ray! Ed.

And, sneaking in with literally minutes to spare, Dave Hastings gets a pint for this …

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.

'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong!

And finally …

Some people say that with more managers than beds, the NHS in overpopulated with paper pushers. How can they claim such a thing when some desk jockey, (paid for out of taxes) produced the following (copied from a poster on the wall in an NHS surgical ward)?

“In leadership roles, such as nursing, accountability is the acknowledgement and assumption of responsibility for actions, decisions and policies including the administration, governance and implementation within the scope of the role or employment position and encompassing the obligation to report, explain and be answerable for resulting consequences.”

Now, remember this, there will be a test later.

Give me strength.

Contact Newslink

Write to Newslink via the Club.

E-mail via the Club web site.

Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx.

In the news ...

2010-11-05T16:19:00.000Z

So a Quantas Airbus A380 has had something of an engine drama. This might have been expected. Airbus Industrie has a strong French element with final assembly being carried out in Toulouse.

One could imagine that the plane made its dramatic protest when air traffic controllers requested that its working altitude be raised from 60 to 62 thousand feet (in spite of the fact that the British made Rolls Royce engine is expected to work up to 67 thousand feet). Expect all the other Airbuses to stop working soon.

It seems we’re jumping into bed with the French Navy in order to save some money. Now, since we won’t have any aircraft on the carriers anyway, this opens up a whole new raft of possibilities (although please note that new rafts for the Navy have been scrapped to save money).

The key to successful military operations is relentless training. In order to achieve this, it will be necessary to practice repeatedly the loading and unloading of personnel and vehicles quickly and efficiently from the vessel. The shorter the sailing time between practice runs, the better.

Clearly, the most mutually beneficial place for the joint navy to operate would be in the waters that separate the two countries i.e. the English Channel, thus providing a degree of coastal protection for each. So perhaps our new aircraft carriers could operate between say, Dover and Calais where they would load and unload people and vehicles at each end, many times per day.

In order not to tie up military resources, they could use civilians and their vehicles for these practice missions and, who know, maybe they would even pay a few quid for the privilege.

Such operations would be known as “Payloading and Offloading” (P&O).

The Coalition would like to make students cough up ever more for the benefits of a university education. The students will, they argue, have better earning potential and opportunities than their peers. From this we can deduce that footballers, pop stars, TV presenters and the like must have had some of the most glittering academic careers to launch their success stories.
But, if we think that having the potential to earn (arguably) more money and get better opportunities is something that we should charge for, then consider this:

How much ought we to charge someone with the following job description?

Salary: £65,738 minimum (more for certain post holders)

£19,900 towards the cost of running another home

£10,394 yearly for “General Administrative Expenses”

£109,548 yearly to employ staff, at least one of which may be a member of your family. Note that they need do no actual work. If you manage their earnings carefully, this may leave you with enough to employ a secretary for you to roger at will

Qualifications required: None

Working hours: Whatever you fancy

Fixed term contract for five years with TV and book writing opportunities and several non-executive directorships thrown in

Location: Westminster

On the subject of the Coalition – some anagrams of “David Cameron and Nick Clegg” include:

“Demonic crack devil and gang”

“Damn coercive gangland dick”

“Rival cock can demand gig end”

“Conceive gang, add mild crank”

In the news

2010-10-05T16:24:00.003+01:00

So, the Commonwealth Games have got off to a flying start in Delhi. The first two competitors in the boxing were informed that they were overweight and had to go to the sauna to lose a few pounds before they could compete.

Judging from the publicity over the state of the sanitary conditions, they won’t be the first or the last visitors to Delhi to experience problems in the ring area with accompanying weight loss.

It doesn’t get any better for poor William Hague who has lost the services of his “advisor” – Christopher Myers (25) with whom he shared his hotel room.

Why this should illicit so many rumours is baffling. The answer is simple. Mr. Hague, having been educated in a grammar school, obviously felt left out when his cabinet colleagues reminisce about dormitory life and who they used to have as their “fag” at Eton or Westminster. So what better way to learn the ropes than to have his man on hand to ensure his jim-jams are the correct temperature, read him a bedtime story and wake him up with a glass of Ribena and the morning paper.

What is less clear is why a Foreign Secretary and former party leader approaching his 50th birthday would require the advice of a nipper straight out of university.

The US Government has warned its citizens about the perils of travelling in Europe – although the warnings are being kept deliberately vague in nature. Reading between the lines, what they mean to say is “There is a significant threat that playing golf in Wales could really spoil your day.”

Professor Bob Edwards has finally been honoured with a Nobel Prize for his ground-breaking fertility work, a mere 32 years after the birth of the first test-tube baby. Ironic considering he is the man who has caused many women to say with a smile “Darling – I’m late.”

The Vatican meanwhile denounce him as an agent of Satan for challenging the official line that babies are delivered by a stork sent from Heaven.

It seems that a Frenchman with neither arms nor legs has succeeded in swimming the Channel. Can't say I blame him - with so few body parts left I'd resent paying a full fare on Eurostar.

Finally, a non-topical but true story I just remembered. My uncle had been to a funeral. The weather was particularly inclement and the funeral director was a somewhat aged man, who resolutely refused to retire.

At the graveside, struggling to grip the slippery coffin, one of the bearers made at attempt to grab at the brass handle. “Jesus Christ” snarled the undertaker “don’t grab them – they’re plastic.”

At this point, he slipped on some mud straight into the grave. Attempts to pull him out were unsuccessful due to the slippery conditions and they had to put the ceremony on hold whilst someone went to fetch a ladder.

One of the mourners helpfully added “At your age you may as well stay in there.”

Newslink September 2010

2010-09-14T11:33:00.000+01:00

"NO WE CAN'T!"

If it IS broke, don’t fix it either.

I always enjoy writing Newslink but not this time. It has been suggested to me (officially) that I “keep it happy” but happiness seems to be a commodity in very short supply at the moment. Anyway, I’ll try to put a nice happy spin on everything …

As you will all know by now, the planned extension work is “on hold” as the costs that came in were way out of line with what had been originally suggested. So, happily, we will not have to shut down for building work or saddle ourselves with a great big debt.

Those of you who read the Committee Minutes (there must be someone!) will see that our bank balance appears usually to be smaller than our debts. There are very strong feelings on both sides regarding our financial position. It seems that either everything is hunky dory or we’re doomed. Quite a spread of views to have across one committee that presumably looks at the same set of figures???

Happily however, an EGM has now been called for Wednesday 22nd September to discuss this issue at which, no doubt, everyone will reach a pleasant agreement and we can saunter joyously along once again without a care in the world.

Long standing stalwart of the Committee Gordy Nash has decided to stand down from all duties and I’m sure everyone would like to thank him for his many years of work. Happily though, he will now be able to spend more time with his wife Penny.

You may also have heard a rumour circulating regarding the result of the lawsuit between the Club and former Committee member Carl Foster. Happily, I have been instructed by members of the Committee to inform you that this case is still ongoing and as such, no details can be discussed. It is strongly recommended that members ignore any rumours that they may hear.

Finally, the issue that everyone is trying not to talk about – the Equality Act. Don’t mention the Equality Act. I may have mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. See http://www.equalities.gov.uk/ for more details.

As requested, I will say nothing about this until the Club Solicitor has completed his investigations and, thereby, hopefully keep everyone even happier.

Marrow Competition
It seems to have been a bad year for gardeners with everyone seemingly having problems with their crops. As a result, entries were down by about a third on last year. This was more than made up for by the many members who turned up and took part in various ways, made a donation, judged a category or bought produce.

And, as we had some categories without three entries, this meant we had some extra prizes to give away to runners up.

On to the competition itself. First up, it’s the heaviest Marrow. This was an easy win for Ann Jerrard (6.35kg) with John Sellick 2nd and Terry Wright 3rd.

The Pumpkins saw only one entry this year so it was no major surprise to see John Sellick win it with his 12.7kg specimen.

As ever, when it comes to Runner Beans, the name Jerrard is never far from the top, and once again, it was Brian Jerrard who won with his five beans having a combined length of 288.2cm. Tony Gabb was 2nd and Liz Westall 3rd.

The Tomatoes saw another triumph for John Sellick (1.74kg) with Kevin Robinson 2nd, Hugh Jones 3rd and Sandra King 4th.

The Onions were a bit thin on the ground this year although the two entries received looked pretty impressive to me! Kevin Robinson won it (4.36kg) forcing Eric Jesty into 2nd place.

The Floral Arrangement in an Egg Cup (well, there is a recession you know!) produced some really excellent entries and I thought they all deserved a prize. However, there has to be a winner and the judges plumped for Liz Westall with Maria Parrett 2nd and Jean Ellwood 3rd.

Next was the Best Jam and, just like every other year, my masterpiece was cruelly overlooked by the judges. Instead, the title went to Hugh Jones with his damson jam. Hugh sadly wasn’t present for the ceremony hence no photo. Dave Thomas threatened not to be there but was and came 2nd with his Blackberry & Apple with Sue Sutton 3rd (Simply Blackberry) and Mary Taylor 4th (Plum Jam).

Just like the Jams, the Chutney was very well supported and the prize went to Tony Gabb for his Red Tomato Chutney. However, on arrival to collect his prize, Tony revealed that it was actually Mrs Gabb’s entry but she wasn’t there to revel in her glory. Sue Sutton was 2nd with Mango & Ginger. Tina Sellick was 3rd with Tomato Chutney and Mary Taylor picked up another 4th (and another bottle) for her Piccalilli.

This year’s “silly competition” was to produce a Miniature Garden on a Plate. Once more it was Liz Westall who triumphed with a plate filled with specially grown grass, home grown flowers and runner beans and a little man sunbathing whilst his trusty robot did the gardening. Jean Stickland’s ornate offering got 2nd whilst, going down another route all together, yours truly got 3rd (out of 3!) with a miniature Graeme Garden mounted on an image of the River Plate. Robbed, again!

So, with all the categories awarded, this left only the big prize of Overall Winner to decide. It was very close – Liz Westall had two 1st places and a 3rd and was awarded the Runners Up prize. Pipping her at the post, and 2010 Champion was John Sellick with two 1st places and a 2nd. He now has a 1.5 litre bottle of whiskey to drink as he admires his trophies!

Finally, with a splendid vegetable basket provided by Dave Sweetman and friends as a prize, we asked you to guess how many varieties of plant have got seeds stored in the Millennium Seed Bank at Kew Gardens. The correct answer was 27,651 and nearest the bull was Joe Hamilton with a guess of 28,100. I won’t reveal any names but one person, when asked, replied “Probably two or three.”

I’m delighted to say that ALL the produce was sold after the judging and after all expenses were deducted, you raised £128.35 for the Charity fund (plus £1 which fell out of a money bag in my pocket and was found when I got home!)

We still have a lot of people who choose to pay on the day, rather than put their names down on the entry forms in advance. Could I please explain once more, that the more money we collect before the competition, the more we can spend on the prizes. So, next year, please put your name down on the list. After all, paying in advance is half the price of paying on the day!

Open goals

Your President, Laurie Wilkinson, often asks me to leave him out of the Newslink. This can be tricky as, when any trophies are presented (see above), he’s normally the one presenting them. I do try, but when I am presented with open goals, how can I possibly resist …

However, I shall be self-disciplined and not mention about how a certain un-named person managed to shut down the entire world-wide data network of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office whilst installing some equipment.

Also, I will not mention who I was sitting next to at a cricket match as the evening drew in.

Mr X: “It’s quite dark out there, I can’t even see the ball.”

Me: “Try taking off your sunglasses.”

I shall also conceal the identity of the person who very proudly informed me that he had acquired a batch of tickets to see Paul McCartney (and several other big names) in Hyde Park - at a cost of £6 each. Several times we had the same conversation:

Me: “You do not get Paul McCartney tickets for £6.”

Mr X: “I’ve checked it out and they’re genuine.”

Now, I hate to be the one to say “I told you so” but …

On arrival at Hyde Park, it transpired that the tickets were indeed genuine. Genuine tickets for the hire of six lockers for the storage of personal possessions during the gig!

Spot the difference prize competition

Can you spot the difference between the two almost identical pictures below? The lucky winner will receive a prize of some tickets for one of these attractions.

Entertainment news

Entertainment recently has recently been hit by a number of setbacks. Sundays have seen one artist pull out with illness the day before, one pull out with illness after 30 minutes of performing and one pull out because of a very ill relative in hospital. Saturdays meanwhile have seen a band (The Bugattis) turn up with 50% stand-in musicians. I have to point out that both of them are superb musicians in their own right but there was no set list and one of the “usual” band members selected songs as he went along. The selection of songs played was described by one member as “music to cut your wrists by!” This is possibly putting it mildly.

My apologies to all and my assurance that you won’t see their name on the schedule again.

And to finish it off, our Bank Holiday DJ, Jason Dean, has left the country, but at least he did organise a replacement.

Being more positive, I know a lot of you are talking about a Wii night and we are really trying to get this together. As soon as we know we can get the thing to work with the projector and can get the necessary cabling in, it will be organised (hopefully for Oct/Nov). If anyone would like to lend us a Wii for an hour or two, to see if it works, please get in touch.

[Web-only update: Many thanks to the Giffins for a loan of a Wii. We did indeed then buy the cables, plugged it all in and, quick as a flash, nothing happened. The second set of cables are now on order and we'll see if we have any more luck with these.]

We’re going to try an experiment in September. As we have a great projector now, let’s see if we can’t make more use of it. And, yes, being honest, saving the Club a couple of hundred quid helps too!

So, as a trial, on Sep 11th (appropriately enough, a date already synonymous with disaster) we’ll have a Big Screen Gig Night. Essentially, it’s a live concert, shown on the big screen with sound though our disco system. I think it will be quite impressive.

If it works, perhaps we can do it three or four times a year. I’ve got some more concerts that I can dig out and I’m sure that many of you will have too. Let me know if you have something that you think people will enjoy.

For the first one, we’ll have a double feature. First up, it will be an hour in the company of Bruce Springsteen and the (15 piece) Seeger Sessions Band playing foot tapping arrangements of traditional songs in an old London church.

The main event, I can’t recommend highly enough, whether you are/were a fan of the band or not. Last year, Ultravox reformed 24 years on from when they last all played together at Live Aid. With the benefit of modern musical technology, they can now do what the primitive equipment of the day made very difficult. The result was amazing and you won’t believe this is a four piece band with no off-stage musicians or backing tapes.

What’s more, very unusually, this is the entire concert from start to finish with no editing. All the mistakes are left in. I saw the show a few days before this recording and it was staggeringly good. You’ll hear 12 of the 14 singles they released (with this particular line up) as well as half a dozen album tracks that are all worth a listen.

Other stuff coming up …

September

Sat 11th Big Screen Gig (Springsteen & Ultravox)

Sat 18th DLB Disco – New Act

Sun 19th Laurence (Lunchtime)

Sat 25th Envy

October

Sat 2nd Mista Beat

Sat 9th Wii Night or In-house Disco TBC

Sun 10th Paul Hammond (Lunchtime)

Sat 16th Alpine Roadshow (Ext)

Sat 23rd Filmed Race Night (Ext)

Sun 24th Alan Preston (Lunchtime)

Sat 30th Rapport – New Act

Finally, not really Entertainments but I had to put it somewhere. Please be aware that Sunday Tote tickets are now available from behind the bar during the week. So those of you that don’t come in on Sunday lunchtime can now win too.

Alternatively, you could try supporting the Club for an hour on a Sunday.

Sports and games news

The Mickey House Trophy

This multi-game competition against the Conservative Club was resurrected after a break of a few years and our thanks go to Judy Janes for pulling it together.

After the home leg, we were in an almost unassailable position thanks to a good all-round performance in which (if I remember correctly) the Men’s Darts won 8-1 and the snooker boys won 9-0!

During the away leg, The Conservative Club decided that they would concede before all the matches were finished to allow time for presentation of the trophy. Although they did point out that despite losing it last time, we had kept hold of it for the intervening years!

Many thanks to all the ladies and gents who participated and if anyone wants to take part next year, please make themselves known to a member of the Ents Committee.

In the recent Race Night, funds were raised for the Cricket Club who benefited to the tune of £230, which will buy a few balls for next season! The next Race Night, in October, will support the Football Club so please turn out in force again for a great evening

2010/11 charity fundraising.

It will soon be time once again to decide which good causes will receive charitable donations this year. If you have any ideas, please submit them to the Ents Committee (or pop it in the Suggestions Box).

Meanwhile, we have again had a fantastic collection of supermarket vouchers for local schools. A total of 8,939 Tesco and Sainsbury’s vouchers were donated to Mudeford and Burton schools. Superb.

Also, the 19th June saw around 100 members attend the annual Pussyfoot Dinner and enjoy comedian Adger Brown in fine form. A collection for Help For Heroes which (in conjunction with a fundraising race night) raised a marvellous £573! Also, a special thanks to all the people in the Club and the Village Hall whose hard work makes Pussyfoot possible.

Coming soon …

The Christmas Draw – tickets are always on sale but expect to be poked in the ribs to cough up soon!

The start of the Christmas knockout competitions. See the Notice Board NOW.

Eddie Carr trophy (snooker comp using just 3 reds)

Check the notice board for details of the Childrens’
Christmas party (11th Dec) and the annual pantomime trip.

Sloe gin (and brandy) competition (Dec).

Charity Month with various events (Dec).

Ladies’ Night – the planned trip to the Sound of Music was looking like it would be too expensive to attract much interest. Ladies’ Night is therefore on hold awaiting news of other upcoming shows.

Articles for sale

Following a suggestion from Clive Vassie, we will try out an “Items for sale” section in Newslink. Each entry will cost £2 per item being sold. Maximum of 30 words and sorry, no photos. Please place your ad, with your money in an envelope in the wall safe, marked “NEWSLINK ADS”.

Please bear in mind that the Club accepts no responsibility for any transactions. See the goods for yourself before you pay for them!

Hopefully, the few pounds raised will reduce or even cover the costs of printing Newslink.

For sale
Several lockers, unused. Location: Hyde Park.
Bought for £6 each, will take £3.
Contact L. Wilkinson Mr. X.

Club website - by Paul Rogers

The website is now completely up and running. You will find information about the Club, its Officers and Committee, History of the Club, Bye Laws, Newsletter, Message Board, What’s On, Sports, Links and a Charities Board. What’s On – Entertainment (information supplied by your Social Secretary Richard Leyshon), Bingo, Club Outings, Competitions, Draws, Dinners, Fantasy Football, Poker and the Quiz. So plan your weekend to see which band or disco is playing and don’t forget Race Nights.

Sports – Cricket has all the season’s fixtures. Darts has links to websites that have information on tables, fixtures, players and statistics. Football has links to Bournemouth Divisional FA for fixtures and results. Other sports are Fishing, Golf and Snooker. If you are involved in a sport and it’s not on the website, collate the information together with images if possible and send me an e-mail to the address below, I will then create a new page.

Send me an e-mail at website@mudefordmens.co.uk if you have anything that you would like to see on the website. Please help me to keep the pages up-to-date with the information that I need. Also note that you may now contact the Committee via email on this address: committee@mudefordmens.co.uk

Log on to check out all the pages on your new website at http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/. Changes to various pages happen every week. Make sure you don’t miss out on an event in the club.

We currently have 146 e-mail addresses on the mailing list. I would like to check that this list is up-to-date, so could all members send me their e-mail addresses with their Membership No, stating whether they are on the list, would like to be on the list or even taken off the list. The Membership No. will help delete e-mails in the future for members who have left the club. Thank you.

Fantasy Football - by Paul Rogers

The new Premier League Season is upon us once again and this competition is open to all members and ladies this year. The Mudeford Men’s League – Fantasy Football started on the 14th August and this will be the 2nd year we have had a league of our own.

At the time of writing, the Managers we have are last year’s winner Rob Boulton , Gary Boyt, Chris Nicholls, Russell Linney, Karl Stark and myself who competed last year. New Managers this season are Jackie Goss, Leighton Davies, Dave Davies, Derek Ellwood, Robin Lovegrove, John Challen, Adrian Prosser, Mark Vassie, Gordon Wallace and my wife Jill Rogers (I will be praying that I don’t finish below her, mind you I can have the sound up on the television when the football’s on now).

View the page on the website

http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/Fantasy2010.html for the up-to-date information and Gameweek tables. Check how the teams are doing, my comments and reminders of the rule changes, in the weeks to come. Then click the link at the bottom of the page to the Premier League website http://fantasy.premierleague.com/ the managers can log in and change their team (if necessary).

Welcome to all the managers and good luck.

Your letters and emails

Thanks for the 30 jokes received (22 of them from Ray Watson!). They are appreciated. However, in these cash strapped times, if you want a prize, please write about something that affects the Club. Let’s be honest, you are spoiled for choice right now!

And finally, from a source who wishes to remain anonymous …

Sunday 4th July 09:15

In the peaceful streets of Mudeford, RNLI members were enjoying their Sunday breakfasts when the tranquillity was broken by the sound of many pagers going off. From all directions, local men ran to the Lifeboat Station where a call from the Portland Coastguard informed them of a distress call received from someone in a dinghy, south of Hengistbury Head. He had no life jacket, no radio, no auxiliary motor.

On arriving at the scene, some wag in the lifeboat enquired of the man in the dinghy, “We’re looking for someone in a dinghy, in distress. Seen anyone?” The occupant looked all around before replying that no, he hadn’t seen anyone.

After this surreal moment, the rescue proceeded.

I was going to print the name of the person concerned but on reflection, I should Delete it, it wouldn’t be Smart to print in case of a libel suit.

Contact Newslink

Write to Newslink via the Club.

E-mail via the Club web site.

Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx

Newslink - World Cup Special

2010-06-29T15:56:00.008+01:00

his newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.

NEWSLINK
World Cup Special!

Breaking news

The England plane has been re-routed to Glasgow Airport. At least that way they will have a crowd that is genuinely pleased to see them.

“IT’S A GOAL …”
… yes, for the benefit of England fans, that’s that thing that happens roughly twice in every five hours of football when you kick the ball into the other team’s net.

Some inferior teams, such as Portugal,, who don’t understand the finer points of the game, can get far too excitable and even score two in five minutes or so. Clueless.

World beaters!

After England’s magnificent domination of Group C, having dismissed some of the world’s finest footballing nations (well, Slovenia), they skilfully positioned themselves in second place and thereby ensured that every other possible game that they play will mess up something or other that I had got planned.

So, please check out this Newslink Special to see what (might) be happening in terms of entertainment at the Club.

Heskey problem solved

Scientists and sociologists at Boscombe University have at last discovered the source of the problem that has plagued Emile Heskey throughout his professional career.

Heskey’s difficulties are thought to have originated from an overly enthusiastic nursery school teacher who insisted that when she sang childrens’ songs, the youngsters all joined in with the actions.

This would not be a problem were it not for the player’s hayfever, with predictable results when he gets flashbacks to “Ring a ring o’ roses”

“Atishoo, atishoo, we all ... oops.”

Solidarity

Great to see that, in his hour of need, the whole of the England squad were standing behind Rob Green. Pity they weren’t when the shot was taken.

Your letters and emails

From Ray Watson (so don’t blame me for this one!)

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him

'Tim what does your father do for a job'

"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.

If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”

Provisional Entertainment Plan

Sat 26th June

7:30 – USA v Ghana
9:30 In-house disco for the three people present with NO EXTENSION

Sun 27th June

Lunchtime – Adagio
3:00pm England v Germany
4:50pm Extra time
5:25pm Penalties begin
5:32pm England players cry a lot and decide which Sunday paper to sell their exclusive story to.

Sat 3rd July

If England win (on the 27th) they will play at 3pm.
Brian Moon & the Satellites will play the lounge in the evening with an extension. The other match may be shown on the big screen with the band starting at 9:30 – TBC.

Wed 7th July

If England reach the semi-finals, poker players can expect some disruption for the 7:30 kick off.

Sat 10th July

Possible 3rd / 4th place play off at 7:30pm. If England play, expect a likely late bar.

Sun 11th July

World Cup Final, 7:30pm.

If England are in it – NO BINGO! If they aren’t, don’t ask me! That one, the Committee can decide!

Newwslink June 2010

2010-06-01T14:16:00.002+01:00

This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.

NEWSLINK

The Newsletter of the

Mudeford Men’s Club

Summer 2010

In-ger-lund Ing-er-lund In-ger-lund!

And so another World Cup comes around and tens of millions of Brits try to pretend that England could actually win it. Let’s be honest, they can’t, but hopefully they’ll have a good run (get the car started Liz, I could be in big trouble here!)

Meanwhile, for those of us who aren’t English, we can look forward to the forthcoming crucial Wales/Scotland clash at Subbuteo.

Seriously though, Ray Reddell told me this week that a request has been made to England fans not to display the Union Flag or the Cross of Saint George as it may “offend” people. Today I read that a mother and toddler were asked to get off a bus because the lad was wearing an England shirt. What a load of pathetic PC nonsense. It could even make me, a Welshman, buy an England shirt! And if you don’t like the cross and the three lions at the top of the page I suggest you get yourself a thick marker pen, and a life.

The refurbishment

The situation seems to change almost daily, but, from what I understand we are now looking at starting work possibly early in August.

Too much of a coincidence?

The Large Hadron Collider near Geneva became fully operational at exactly the time our very own Lyn Stark was “on holiday” in Switzerland. Now, the LHC is trying to find sub-atomic particles such as the (does it/doesn’t it exist?) Higgs Boson particle. Old hat, I’m rather more excited to hear about the discovery of the “Stark Quark.”

Ladies Darts Presentation

Thursday 27th May saw the Ladies Darts Presentation and disco at the Club. Sheila Peck picked up a medal for a 180 and also won the Division 2 Ladies Singles title.

Sheila Peck with her trophies whilst Sharon and Judy support a distressed local man found rummaging for food in a bin.

Sheila’s team (Mudeford C) also picked up gongs for finishing second in the Division 2 title race.

The ladies team collect their trophies whilst a confused gentleman mistakes it for The Conga and attempts to join in.

In-house disco fiasco!

The idea was simple enough, we had an extension for a birthday party in the Club. The band could only play until 11:15 so, I thought, I’ll just plug in the computer and do a disco for an hour. Simple.

Having to set up the gear at 7:15 meant that there were four hours to kill before starting the disco. Four hours in a bar. Perhaps now you start to see the problem. This first became apparent when Maria Griffiths came to request a Shakira song. In my state of “reduced efficiency” I was completely unable to spell “Shakira” in order to type it into the search box. Well, you try it after four hours on the lager!

The next problem came at the end of the night and was related to the location I was in. Being almost right in front of a speaker, the noise was too great to be able to hear my headphones to cue up the next song. So, for the last song of the night, I had a bit of comedy lined up. However, as I couldn’t hear it, I was not aware that the PC had mixed up the names of two tracks when they were loaded on. As a result, the track that played was not in fact “The Last Lager Waltz” but a somewhat rude reworking of the old song “My Grandfather’s Clock” but with one less “L” in the title. Fortunately I realised before it got to the really filthy bit!

And finally, to round off this succession of clock-ups, and this is completely true – I managed to fall out of bed – the bottom of the bed (don’t ask me how) waking up as my head crashed into the wardrobe.

If anybody else fancies a go at an In-house disco, let me know! We can arrange for a PC with about 2,500 tracks to choose from in addition to being able to play your own CDs. You’ll have to provide your own protective headgear though and we accept no responsibility for damage to wardrobes.

All I can say is that next time I have to do this (late June) it will be the day before a large family birthday lunch and I am under orders to drink considerably less – and yes, Maria, I have got some Shakira tracks ready for next time!

Entertainment news

It’s not the easiest of times at the moment for planning entertainment. Firstly there is the World Cup and the need to show England games impacts on what else we can do and, of course, the position they finish in their group will determine when future matches could be played!

Then there’s the building work. Some acts are already booked and may have to be cancelled and other dates have been left blank and have to be quickly filled when the start date gets put back. So, we can’t print the usual three months ahead. Basically, keep an eye on the notieboard for up-to-date information.

We have taken a gamble that England win their group and will therefore play their first knockout game on Saturday 26th June at 7:30pm – exactly the time Pussyfoot was due to start. So, Pussyfoot is now on the 19th and the match, if it happens, will be shown in the Club.

JUNE

Sat 5th Race night

Sat 12th England v USA (7:30pm) then The Shoestring Blues Band (Ext)

Sun 13th Alan Preston – new act

Fri 18th England v Algeria – 7:30pm

Sat 19th Annual Pussyfoot Dinner (Ext)

Wed 23rd England v Slovenia – 3pm

Fri 25th Alpine Roadshow (Men’s Darts Presentation, Ext)

Sat 26th Probably football & in-house disco (Ext) – depends on previous results.

Sun 27th Adagio

JULY

Sat 3rd Brian Moon & the Satellites (Ext)

Sun 4th Paul Hammond

Sat10th Coroma Disco

Sat 17th Blowin' Free

Sat 24th Blitz Disco

Sun 25th Bianca

Sat 31st Bugattis

At the time of writing we are waiting for Skyprovide us with a new set top box for the Lounge. When we see what sort of connections are available, we plan to buy a projector (quickly!) and the necessary cabling to do a temporary install in the Lounge, just in time for the World Cup – assuming everything works!

Our Secretary has kindly provided a large screen which will be used until the refurb when we hope to have an electric screen that descends from the roof.

So, please bear in mind that what you see for the World Cup won’t be the finished article but we’re confident it should be good.

If you weren’t there on 24th April to see a band called Mr. Wiseguy – remember the name and come down next time we get them. They were a last minute stand in after a cancellation and I heard several people say they are the best band they’ve seen in the Club. However, they are pretty busy so it might be a while before we can have them back!

There have been a LOT of requests to have Paul Hammond more regularly on a Sunday lunchtime. There isn’t the budget to have more Sunday acts but in future, we will try to ensure that Paul crops up a bit more often and, as of five minutes ago, he is booked for Sunday 4th July.

After England’s first match (against the USA) we will have a new act in the shape of The Shoestring Blues Band. They were due to play at the Club a couple of years ago but one of the members had a nasty accident and ended up in hospital. Anyway, they will play blues-rock by artists such as Cream and ZZ Top, and there’s a late bar too, hopefully celebrating a good win.

The next day, Sunday lunchtime will see another new act, Alan Preston, who comes recommended.

The Frank Selleck Trophy

A magnificent fight back against Southbourne in the first leg (home) saw us come from 5-1 down to 5-5 then winning the final frame on the black to take a lead into the away leg. Alas, we were once again unlucky away from home and lost by a single frame.

The excitement was too much for some …

Asked for a quote, the President’s reply was short and to the point – “Sack Rob Boulton as captain!” He did ask me to print that Rob, so I think he’s only joking!!!

The Mickey House Trophy

You may remember this from a few years back, where we take on the Conservative Club at a variety of challenges such as darts, snooker, crib, dominoes etc.

Well, it’s back. Judy Janes has kindly agreed to run with it and has made the necessary arrangements with the Con Club. The legs will be held on Thu 29th July (Mudeford) and Thu 12 Aug (Con Club).

This year, due to the lack of time, we have picked the players by asking people who are respected in each sport or game to put a few names forward. Maybe next year we might be able to have some sort of qualifying competition to select players???

Subsidies for Club events

You may have noticed that prices have increased for certain events such as Dinner Dance, Pussyfoot (still a few left at the time of writing) and Ascot. Ascot tickets have risen from £25 to £35 this year.

Opinion is strongly divided as to how much events should be subsidised but in the current economic climate, the Club simply could not spend as much money as in past years. You still get these events for less than the “real” price so please support your Committee and Treasurer who have to take tough decisions in difficult times.

Vouchers for schools

We got over 5,000 last year so don’t forget to collect them if you’re at Tesco or Sainsburys. The box is on the Lounge bar but not for too much longer.

Price increases

Yes, we had a bit of a jump in the beer prices but as you will all be aware, the former Chancellor had a hand to play in that. It is hoped that no more increases will be required for a while but again, what the Government and the brewery do is out of our hands. Also bear in mind that we still have some of the very cheapest prices in the area.

Coming up …

Pussyfoot Dinner – Sat 18th June

Still a few tickets left (£27.50)

Marrow Competition – Sunday 5th September

Ladies Night
Nothing confirmed yet but this may well be a trip to The Sound of Music at the Pavilion in Sept/Oct.

Butlins weekend Fri 8th – Mon 11th Oct (TBC)
An 80’s weekend, see noticeboard for further details. We’ll never be able to drag some of our members forward into the 1980s!

Ascot Sat 24th July

The remaining tickets (£35) will be on sale in the Club on Tue 15th June at 8pm.

The cost includes your coach travel, entry fee to the course and a buffet. Enquiries to Sharon Morgan, 01202 484956, Mob 07907 632837.

Committee elections and AGM

Three people stepped down this year and we thank them all for their efforts – Clive Vassie, Luke Herridge and Dave Hastings.

Mark Vassie and Ray Watson were elected to the Committee and following sixteen years in the job of Treasurer, Dave Hastings was replaced by Mike Boulton. We wish them all well.

The AGM passed without any major stories to report. However, I must mention that when the Secretary said that there was a “lovely collection of faces here tonight” – some wag chipped in with “Should ‘ave gone to Specsavers!”

Club website

Paul Rogers has been working very hard on the new Club website and we hope it will be going live in the very near future. Paul had no previous experience of building websites and what he has achieved is really excellent so check it out and give him any feedback or suggestions you may have. See http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/

Your letters and emails

A last minute submission from Clive Vassie has to win the £10 of drinks at the bar for the following timely poem. With apologies to any fans of Irish writer George Bernard Shaw!

Goodbye to my England , So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
(HEAR! HEAR! – Ed)
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.

The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.

We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the seaWe're the English from England , let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!

Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK!!!!

Given that he made 29 submissions for this Newslink, we have to give a mention (and a free pint) to Ray Watson. As his total input would be about 10 pages, below are a few edited highlights. We do appreciate the endless supply of jokes that come in, however, doesn’t anyone have anything to say about the refurbishment, the reduction in subsidy for Club events, the Equalities Bill, the general election or the increase in drinks prices?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password,

she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

And some genuine complaints made to Thomas Cook by holiday-makers (you may have heard some of these already on Radio 4 …)

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Contact Newslink

Write to Newslink via the Club.

E-mail via the Club web site.

Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxxxxxxxxx.

And one more poem seening as how the MPs are annoying me so much

2010-04-13T17:21:00.000+01:00

Justice

The MPs are instructed that they must now repay
Some of the dodgy cash that they have spirited away.
They arrogantly stand, rolling out their weak defences
Blaming the rules in place for claiming their expenses.

They fought so that no details would ever be disclosed
But fifty two percent of them have so far been exposed,
They had no choice, the truth was out and so the Police arrived
To investigate the quite amazing claims they had contrived.

Just as we began to think that we had seen the worst,
And that this foul, salacious bubble had, at last burst,
The Police have charged some MPs with what’s amounting
To stealing our cash through criminally false accounting.

And Gordon Brown Prime Minister, the whip did soon withdraw
On discovering that they were searching through the law
For some aged clause that would leave them quite exempt
From the law of the land which they treat with such contempt.

All is not however lost, for if just one good MP
Resigns their seat right now and makes clear the way for me.
I’ll enter the House of Commons before they hold the next election
And I too shall employ the rules of “Privilege” protection.

For if they can’t be touched for the things that they have done
Then under these same rules, I too could have some fun.
So be careful squirming thieves, when next you see the Mace
For it may be heading, at speed, towards your face.

And when at last, all these swine have drawn their final breath
On live TV, the BBC, bludgeoned to death
I’ll explain that these men themselves have attested
That for deeds committed in the House one cannot be arrested.

So if you feel there’s mileage in “Bludgeon a crook”
Then why not start up a group, right now, on Facebook?
When we have a million names, we’ll be hard to ignore
And then we’ll give new meaning to “The long arm of the law.”

Another poem

2010-04-13T17:19:00.003+01:00

The sinking ship

The HMS Commercial sailed off one fateful day
Filled with holiday-makers who were quite happy to pay
For a day’s pleasure cruising upon tropical seas
With factor 19 cream on their faces and their knees.

The captain stood there proudly in his cap with its peak
And neglected to mention that the ship, it had a leak.
Presently they sailed away, far out of sight of land
With a crew who were quite clueless and paid cash in hand.

Well, the morning soon passed by and everything was fine
But shortly after lunchtime the weather went into decline.
The black storm clouds approached and the seas became higher
And the straits they were in were most certainly dire.

With the engine never serviced they could not outrun
The tropical storm that would soon replace the sun.
And cursing beneath his breath, the sad captain declared
That perhaps he really should have got the radio repaired.

The winds closed in so quickly and with terrifying force
And the vessel soon was blown many miles from its course.
In howling winds, lashed by waves and rattled by the thunder
It was not long until the ship started to go under.

Throughout the night those not drowned, they helplessly drifted
The storm began to fade away, the night slowly lifted.
A survivor yelled aloud that he thought that he could see
Something in the distance – the top of a palm tree?

As dawn became morning someone soon spotted sand
For yes, they had drifted within sight of some land.
Staggering from the water, non-believers converted
And prayed thanks to the Lord for this island, deserted.

For this group of survivors things could have been much worse
As the range of their many skills was amply diverse.
A doctor, farmer, cook and an iron ore smelter
A builder who set about making them a shelter.

Not everybody though gave approval to these plans
A man stood up addressing them (whilst rubbing his hands.)
“You people worry far too much of water, food, health.
I’m Guy and I’m a banker and I generate wealth!”

They’d suffered so much trauma and some were still in shock
They believed what he had said and so they did not mock.
Despite the hype and splendour though, some folks’ hearts sank
On the opening day of the New Island Bank.

They soon had made up a mould and minted up some coins
And the banker experienced a warmth in his loins.
The cash was divided with no difference in rank
And the banker used all his share to buy out the bank.

Now the bank was liquid and had cash it could invest
Folks gave Guy their money - as he paid them interest.
And soon the bank had purchased the rights to the little stream
And charged the people a small fee – then he’d keep it clean.

Guy went on to argue, until they all conceded
That capitalism was the system that they needed.
Each person had skills he said, and they ought to be prized
And all working together, well, that should be despised.

So now the population, they all began to trade
Some weaker folks went hungry and some fortunes were made.
The teacher grew quite poor because an education
Has to come second when you’re faced with near starvation.

The farmers sought to get some cash to employ farm hands
So to grow their businesses and cultivate the lands.
The banker, he advised them to allocate some shares
That would pay out in hard cash as they sold all their wares.

The advice of this expert was never rejected
And a brand new Stock Exchange was shortly erected.
Built for nothing, by the bank, with just one condition
All deals that were done would attract commission.

Each transaction had to pay a small fee to the bank.
Some made enormous profits whilst certain others sank.
Win, lose, draw, on every deal, the bank still got its slice
The banker thought to himself, “A bonus, very nice.”

And Guy counted all his cash, in his bank, contente
Whilst all throughout the land the people, they lamented
When you chose to look at it, it did seem rather funny
How they did all the work but the bank got all the money.

One or two of the people then withdrew their cash
And as rumours circulated this turned into a dash.
The bank ceased to pay them claiming that it had run dry
Whilst the nouveau poor simply asked each other “Why?”

“Well of course” the banker said “I do get a few perks.
But if we paid any less our staff would all be berks.
The cash that we held has now all gone out as bonus
And on you, to take good care, was firmly placed the onus.

If you had provided us some better regulation
We wouldn’t now be faced with all of this privation.
The service we provide, it is completely essential
Without a bank, this town would have so little potential.

Just to show you goodwill, here is a solution
Relying upon just a tiny contribution
And no-one here need fear that they will get the axe
Just a small percentage charge, being levied as a tax.”

The people now worked longer, just to earn the same
And the bank took the taxes but none of the blame.
Then just three months later the bonuses were back
No cash left to lend and the farm-hands got the sack.

Hungry, dirty, in despair, the teacher looks on
And wonders to himself how it has gone so wrong.
Guy sits at home, counts his cash and prepares to retire
Oblivious as the people build a mighty bonfire

A poem

2010-04-13T17:15:00.001+01:00

I’ve been compared to Eric

Yes I’ve been compared to Eric
And the reason why, is that
Our styles are so very similar
When I’m plucking at my Strat.

As my fingers surf the fretboard
And my feet control the pedals,
I wear these words around my neck
Like a row of polished medals.

Maybe they’ll give me a name –
Something like Slowhand
And girls will scream when I play
Lead in a massive blues-rock band.

I could have got big-headed
I think you get the gist, so
I suppose it’s not so bad to learn
That they meant Eric Bristow.

Newslink March 2010

2010-04-13T17:03:00.002+01:00

This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.

NEWSLINK

The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
March 2010

To print, or not to print

It’s tricky to know when to produce a Newslink at this time of year. With all the Christmas activity, there’s enough to fill an issue by February. But, in the current climate, nobody wants to spend more money than necessary so we decided to wait until March. Then there’s Dinner Dance closely followed by the charity cheque presentations a couple of days later. Yes, it is the AGM next week, but we had to draw a line somewhere and so, here it is.

2009/10 charity fundraising.

The recipients of your charity fundraising

On Sunday 7th March 2010 we once again presented cheques to the various deserving causes, as chosen by the members. A total of £4,000 was distributed on the day and this sum is in addition to other donations worth around £1,000 during the year.

• Andy Hack received the annual £250 donation towards the Mudeford Lifeboat and explained that 2009 had been the station’s busiest year on record.

• Christine Payne and Mandy Forbes collected £750 for the Twynham Tigers to buy equipment and pay the costs of hiring training facilities for a number of highly successful junior football teams.

• Sue Bungey received £1,000 for the Tulip Appeal which provides equipment for, and improves facilities in the Breast Care unit at Bournemouth Hospital.

• Councillor Josephine Spencer MBE received a £1,000 donation for the “Buy A Brick” campaign to raise the money required to rebuild the Druitt Hall. The new building will hold 150 people and will available for use by the whole community.

• Finally, Club Committee member (and former Regimental Sergeant Major) Ray Reddell accepted a cheque for £1,000 to be donated to Help For Heroes. This sum is in addition to £854 donated by Club members at two previous fundraising events – The Pussyfoot Dinner and a Filmed Race Night in February.

The Club’s President, Laurie Wilkinson thanked the members for their generosity at this difficult time, the organisers of the various fundraising events and the local businesses who donated lots for the Grand Boxing Day Auction.

Some facts and figures about the fundraising:

The Grand Boxing Day Auction raised £1651.50.

The Balloon Race was postponed to 17th January after dodgy weather on the 10th (the best of the test balloons headed for the harbour and landed before getting there!). This year’s winner was Lynne Renault whose balloon travelled to Dijon, a distance of 686km (430 miles).

Lynne Renault with her winner’s cheque

Name the polar bear (Michael) won by Jo Richards.

Guess the amount in the bottle (£301.91) won by Colin Bushell.

Tom Smith receives his Honorary Life Membership

Finally, to round off a “good news lunchtime” the President presented Tom Smith with an Honorary Life Membership, something which clearly meant a great deal to Tom and was very warmly received by the members.

Christmas Draw

Another fantastic event – just take a look at the prizes!

Annual Dinner and Dance – 5th March

The event was again well supported with in excess of 125 tickets sold.

This year, as a change, we altered the format. We did away with the comedian and used to money to pay for the Swing Unlimited Big Band who seemed to go down pretty well. They also provided a quartet to play some gentle music during the drinks reception.

Guests of Honour this year were Dick and Jane Thorpe, Nick and Gillian Geary and Arthur and Ellen Smart.

We want your thoughts …

Thinking ahead to next year, would you like to see the return of the comedy slot or are you in the group that believe a dinner dance should be just that – dinner then dancing?

If you want a comedian, would you prefer to have a stand-up performing during coffee whilst still at your table?

Gordon Nash attempts to ply young ladies with strong drink.

Finally, as you probably realise, the costs of the tickets is still heavily subsidised and this subsidy has to reduce. What would you be prepared to pay for your tickets?

“What do you mean you want to stand for Treasurer!!!”

Please pass on your thoughts to a member of the Committee or use the Suggestions Box in the lounge.

Christmas Competitions

Sloe Gin

1st – Janet Bate (28 points)

2nd Rob Boulton (21)

3rd Hugh Jones (20)

Janet Bate receives her trophy from the Vice-President

Sloe Brandy

1st Hugh Jones (24)

2nd Pip Langdon (22)

3rd Terry Parker/Jean Ellwood (14)

Darts singles

Winner: Martin Wood
Runner-up: Mark Grimes

Darts doubles

Winners: Martin Wood & Peter Nightingale
Runners-up: Luke Ramsier & Matt Ramsier
Over 60s snooker singles

Winner: Ken Ellwood
Runner-up: Roy Dupree

Over 60s snooker doubles

Winners: Dave North & Roy Dupree
Runners-up: Steve Hill and Paul Meade

Cribbage singles

Winner: Don Tomkins
Runner-up: Gordon Wallace

Cribbage doubles

Winners: Mark Calder & Brian McKenna
Runners-up: Jeff Arnold and Laurie Wilkinson

Snooker
Winner: Harry Fenn
Runner-up: Trevor Morgan

Billiards

Winner: Rob Boulton
Runner-up: Fred Lucas

Dominoes singles

Winner: Gordon Wallace
Runner-up: Jeff Arnold

Dominoes doubles

Winners: John Warner & Don Tomkins
Runners-up: Ken Ellwood & Norman Grindley

Entertainment news

We’ve got some more new acts coming up in the next couple of months, starting with Pacific Heights Disco.

New bands coming up are The Doghouse Boys doing what they describe as “early country with the dirt left on!”

Fast Company do more modern rock and pop with a female singer and the Shoestring Blues Band cross over into blues-rock covering such artists as ZZ Top and Cream.

And don’t forget, the raised area in the lounge is available for parties for a very small fee. The Steward will be happy to provide a buffet and an extension can often be arranged if required. Interested? Write to the Secretary!

MARCH
13th Mudeford Crabs

20th Pacific Heights Disco

Sun 21st Robin Davis (lunchtime)

27th DJ Langer

APRIL
3rd Jason Dean (Easter, Ext)

Sun 4th Bianca (lunchtime)

10th The Doghouse Boys

17th Race night (10 races, Ext)

Sun 18th Laurence (lunchtime)

24th Soul Baby

MAY
1st Des Law Sounds (Ext)

Sun 2nd Sunday music TBA

8th Fast Company (Ext)

15th Cookie Roadshow

Sun 16th Sunday music TBA

22nd Group 5

29th Coroma Disco (Bank Hol Ext)

JUNE
5th Race Night

12th Shoestring Blues Band

Yes, they do accept cheques behind the bar

Coming soon …

March – Election of Officers and Committee

17th March – Annual General Meeting 8pm.

28th March – Easter Egg Draw

April – Frank Selleck Trophy

May – Pussyfoot competitions begin

Club website

Several members have pointed out that the Club website has become out of date. Paul Rogers has kindly volunteered to take this on so watch this space.

Entertainments Committee

After the appeal for new members, Judy Janes joined the Committee and is already making a great contribution – shifting nearly £100 worth of Easter Egg Draw tickets on the opening day. So well done Jude and, if anyone else feels inclined to help out, please speak to Roger Masterman or any other member of the Ents Committee.

Your letters and emails

Apologies for all the contributions that we didn’t have room for this time. The prize almost went to Ray Watson for his fascinating article explaining how a poor Scottish farmer saved a nobleman’s son’s life. The nobleman repaid him by educating the farmer’s son at the finest schools. The son, a certain Alexander Fleming went on to discover penicillin which later saved the life of the nobleman’s son – Sir Winston Churchill. A great story which alas turns out to be completely untrue and was described by Fleming in a letter as a “wondrous fable.” So tough luck Ray!

However, we couldn’t go for an issue without one of Ray’s many age-related submissions, so here’s a joke that wins him a pint …

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

And winning £10 to spend at the bar, Tony Gabb –

Why I like retirement …

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They’re the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

And finally …

Comments overheard recently in the lounge …

An extremely funny (and mostly unprintable) cautionary tale from the President on the dangers of painting (with a paint try) while cat-sitting a rather frisky animal. Needless to say, the carpet required quite a bit of scrubbing.

In the Tuesday night quiz, when a question required thinking of cities that have staged Olympic Games – “Has Greece ever held the Olympics?”

On the subject of starters on the Dinner Dance menu, specifically, the Brussels pate – “That sounds disgusting - pate made from sprouts.”

As Ents Sec, I get a lot of bizarre mail through the post – everything from barbershop quartets to a Roy “Chubby” Brown tribute act, but surely nothing stranger than a letter and some leaflets that stated “one of the most iconic “props” in the advertising and marketing business is the classic campervan.” Quite how this could be used for Club entertainment is unclear – any ideas?

Contact Newslink

Write to Newslink via the Club.

E-mail via the Club web site.

Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx.

Newslink December 2009

2009-12-09T10:43:00.003Z

This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent. Apologies for the random blank lines everywhere - Google seems to have gone crazy. I can't edit it as the weird stuff isn't visible in editing mode where the whole thing is properly formatted.

NEWSLINK

The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
December 2009

Start mixing the mortar Bob!

Wednesday 25th November 2009 saw an EGM that should prove to be one of the most important events in the Club’s history. A year after rejecting proposals to re-develop the facilities, members decided that the new plans represented the way forward for us. The proposal to proceed was passed by an astonishing 112 votes to 12 with a few abstentions.

The new design will see the Men’s Bar smartened up but basically left as is and the lounge bar extended to make an L shape with the new wing extending off to the left of the stage. The cellar moves outside and the Committee room will move upstairs. The new area in the lounge can be sectioned off with a soundproof wall allowing for an additional function room which will have many possible applications to bring more money in to the Club. Some examples include:
• Use as a private business meeting room available for hire Mon-Fri

• Venue for local darts competitions

• Area available for members to use when Bingo or other entertainment is on in the lounge

• Available for use to provide an enhanced catering service with food planned to be available at weekends and in the evenings

• Somewhere to locate a pool table

• Area available for members to use for small functions

The next stage will be to finalise the plans in readiness for approval and during this phase the Committee wants your input. We all know that some aspects of the design need to be re-addressed such as the need for an improved Ladies lavatory. So members, have your say (in writing to the Committee please) and let’s get a final design that will please everyone.

To get the ball rolling, here are a few of my suggestions:

• Extend the stage as far as the fire exit and square off the “missing corner”

• Forget about buying more large screen TVs and get a proper sized screen and a projector for the lounge so that everyone in the room can actually see the big sporting events

• Ensure that the “skylights” in the function room have a mechanism to shut out the light for a projector to be used if required.

• Ensure that the new bar area has solid shutters to block line of sight (and sound) from the lounge bar.

• Wheelchair access to the new Committee Room?

What’s been happening …

We had a fun time on Halloween with a good crowd in, despite some idiot in a vampire costume that couldn’t keep his teeth in (no, I don’t mean Rob)!

Mark Vassie gets horny

“I’ll have a pint of O negative please.”

But where was everyone for Bavarian Night? The band was cracking and it could have been a real stomper with some more people in!

Send your captions to Newslink – a prize for the best.

Sorry, but I couldn’t resist showing you this …

Bournemouth Daily Echo, Thursday 19th November 2009

Entertainment news

We’ve got a number of new acts coming up in the next couple of months. Please, use the feedback box near the wall safe to let us know who you’d like to see again (or who you’d like to see strung up!)

Robin Davis, Laurence and Bianca will hopefully make a refreshing change for Sunday lunchtimes.

Cash Converted – are a highly recommended Johnny Cash tribute act.

If you’re suffering from the January blues then come in on the 2nd (for the Renegade Blues Band) and the music should be to your taste. If you’re not a huge blues fan, they also do some rockier stuff too.

December

Sat 5th Brian Moon and the Satellites

Sun 6th Paul Hammond (Lunchtime)

Thu 10th Ladies Darts presentation (Ext)

Sat 12th Cash Converted (Johnny Cash tribute)

16th - 19th Christmas draw (Ext Fri & Sat)

Sun 20th Robin Davis (Lunchtime)

Xmas Eve Coroma disco (Ext)

Boxing Day Charity Auction with Arfur Word (Lunchtime)

Mon 28th Filmed Race Night (Ext)

New Year’s Eve From BBC Radio – Jason Dean Disco (Ext)

January

Sat 2nd Renegade Blues Band

Sat 9th Blitz Disco

Sun 10th Bianca (Lunchtime)

Sat 16th Movin’ On

Sat 23rd Poky

Sun 24th Laurence (Lunchtime)

Sat 30th The Smak Band

February

Sat 6th Penny Arcade

Sat 13th State Of Undress

Sat 20th Cookie Roadshow Disco

Sat 27th Filmed Race Night

Movin’ On make their debut in January. They are one of the hardest working bands on the circuit doing over 150 gigs a year and with albums available for sale, so they should be pretty handy.

Poky (a requested band) will be doing mainly older music – Buddy Holly, Elvis, Shadows etc.

I’ve seen The Smak Band a couple of times and they were great each time and a must for any musical equipment enthusiasts who like to hear AC30s, Watson Copycats, vintage guitars etc.

Penny Arcade is another requested act and I’ve been told by none other than “Laird” Norman Grindley that they “make a pretty good noise” so, fingers crossed!

Finally, in February, the return of State of Undress. Personally, whilst I’m not the world’s biggest folk rock fan, I thought their mix of covers and original material, as well as their energy on stage were great last time so let’s hope for another big turnout.

Sports and games news

Bowls – by Eric Jesty

The annual bowls match with Southbourne Ex-Services Club was played on 5th July 2009. The second leg was played on 9th August. Once again we won the first leg by a good margin. The second leg was lost, but the total score run us out the winners, so the trophy stays at Mudeford. My thanks to all the players and the Committee for their support. On the second leg, Rob Sellick, although very ill, came and watched for an hour. Rob has since passed away and will be sadly missed by all bowlers. The bowls team and all club members send their heart-felt sympathy to his wife, Jane and family.

Swimming

You may be aware that Derek Littlefair has a grandson, Martin, who is a hugely talented swimmer and indeed, the Club made a small donation towards the costs of his training and competing. Here are some of his incredible achievements in the last 12 months:

• 800m freestyle junior and senior champion at the Western Counties Championships and junior champion at 50m, 200m and 400m freestyle.

• At the Dorset County Championships, junior and senior champion in the 200m and 800m freestyle, set a new county record as well as junior champion in three more categories!

• At the British Championships he qualified for three events and broke the county record for Dorset in 400m freestyle and was a reserve swimmer for the European Youth Olympics.

• The British Youth Championships saw another County record and his performance won him one of only 36 places available in a national training camp.

• At the English Schools Championships, he broke the senior county record for 400m freestyle (last broken in 1994). Martin is also Vice Captain of the Dorset Inter-county team and Christchurch Schools personality of the year 2009.

Training and competing at this level requires a huge effort and indeed cash. If you would like to help sponsoring Martin and being a part of his success, talk to Derek Littlefair.

Golf Society update Oct 2009 – John Oliver

The Society, now in its 4th year has enjoyed some new venues this season. Regrettably our first visit to Dibden Purlieu was spoilt by heavy rain making the hilly course unsuitable for buggies, depriving us of some of our older players. Nevertheless, a good day was had by all with Peter Mountford winning with a score of 40 points!

Another new venue, Bramshaw, the Manor course in July presented us with a glorious course on a glorious day. Another good score by Paul Sadler with 39 points made him the winner. An outstanding course, to be added to future fixtures.

The August meeting was our annual match against Southbourne ex-servicemen’s. Staged at the Iford Bridge course, after some exciting matches, most very tight, the day was halved 3 matches each, so Mudeford, as holders, retain the trophy. After this we all adjourned to the MMC where the matches were duly doused in regular fashion!

In 2010 we have matches against the Legion and the Con Club. Anyone interested in joining the Golf Society (there’s no charge) should contact the Club Secretary.

Football – by Rob Smith

This year we are running 2 teams in the Saturday Bournemouth Football Association Leagues. A new management team of Gareth Davies and James Taylor have blended a host of new players into the old guard that already existed to form a solid first team. After an initial bedding in period, the team is performing well, currently lay mid-table in the Premier Division.

The new reserve team is run by two of the stalwarts of the last few years: Dan Goff and Sam Atkins. They too have had to construct a team consisting of new players and players from last year. The reserves (at the time of writing) lie 3rd in Division 5 and are aiming for promotion to Division 4. This should be achievable as well as a good cup run or two!!

Both teams play at Wingfields so there’s always a chance that one of them will be at home if anyone wants to come and give some much appreciated support.

Training is every Tuesday at Mudeford Wood Community Centre between 7:30 and 8:30 for anyone wishing to impress the squad with their footballing skills. All are welcome.

As ever, the football club would like to give a big thank you to everyone involved with the lottery bingo. This is an invaluable revenue stream. Congratulations go to our latest winner Dick Thorpe. The Xmas draw is currently under way with a prize as of mid November of £800+.

Poker

Just in case there’s anyone he hasn’t told yet – Gordon Nash is the new club poker league winner and will lead the Club’s assault on the regional finals in Portsmouth. Picture the scene as Nashy enters the room, ankle length overcoat draped over his shoulders, sunglasses, a 7 foot goon either side, a hundred-weight of bling on his knuckles – “The name’s Nash, Gordy Nash.” Good luck!

2009/10 charity fundraising.

At the time of writing, charities for the year are being finalised but here are some that are confirmed:

Help for heroes – raising funds for Armed Forces personnel injured in conflict.

The Willow Foundation – charity set up by Bob Wilson (and his wife Megs) in memory of their daughter. They provide “special days” for seriously ill people between the ages of 16 and 40.

The “Buy a brick” campaign to rebuild Druitt Hall for use by many local organisations

The annual donation to the local RNLI station at Mudeford Quay.

As ever, centrepiece of the fundraising effort will be the Boxing Day Auction – open to all. Please come along and put your hand in your pocket – you’ll be raising money for good causes and you could pick up a great bargain.

If you, or your company, can donate anything that could be auctioned, please contact any member of the Entertainment Committee.

Coming soon …

Every year I either get a date wrong or something gets moved – so fingers firmly crossed for this bit …

Children’s Christmas Party Sat 12th Dec (Lounge will be closed during the afternoon)

Over 60s snooker competition – Wed 16th / Thu 17th Dec

Finals Night – Fri 18th December

Christmas Draw – Wed 16th – Sat 19th Dec

Sloe Gin (and brandy) Comp – Sun 20th Dec

Annual Charity Auction – Sat 26th December. Children’s Pantomime Trip – Sat 2nd Jan

Balloon Race (weather permitting) – Sun 10th Jan

March 2010 – Charity Cheque Presentations, Dinner Dance, AGM

Your letters and emails

We actually had a full post bag this time round with major contributions from Ray Watson and Peter Hughes and we’ve squeezed in most of their offerings (less the bits that were, shall we say, rather more ‘top shelf’ material!) So, they can share the £10 of drinks between them with a drink too for Lyn Hastings.

First up, a letter from Lyn to update members on the progress of Nikki’s continuing battle with cancer.

Hi Richard,

Not sure if you are in need of articles for the Newsletter? I though it might be nice to give people an update on my Daughter in Law, Dave often gets asked by Members when he is in the Club.

Nikki is doing remarkably well, she has been very strong and determined and I am sure this is what has lead to her being here 13 months after having a prognosis of 6 months last Christmas! Nikki has raised thousands of pounds for Cancer Charities and the generosity of people has continued to amaze us and it has meant that Nikki, Kev and their girls Leah (5) and Megan (3) have been able to have some lovely family experiences and holidays plus it has also meant that Nikki and Kev have been able to have some, much needed and necessary, quality time together.

Recent tests have shown that Nikki's heart is beginning to be affected by the Herceptin infusions that she has every 3 weeks but at this time of writing Nikki is still raising funds and she has recently achieved two of her main goals, she has seen Leah begin School, and settle in very well, and she has been able to welcome her new Nephew into the Family.

Thank you so much to everyone who has continued to show concern and offer words of support, it is hugely welcomed and uplifting.

Taking this opportunity of wishing all Members the very best for the forthcoming Festive Season.

Kindest regards

Lyn Hastings

From Peter Hughes (all complaints to him please!)

IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY. A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:

A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master, a chef, an electrician, a carpenter, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a stylist, a sexologist, a gynaecologist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, a good father, very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, gallant, intelligent, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant, prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable, passionate, compassionate.

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

Compliment her regularly, love shopping, be honest, be very rich, not stress her out, not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries, arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

And, having now upset half the readership, Pete (being a Mancunian) shares his views on the fine residents of Liverpool …

Question 1: What do you call a Scouse girl in a white tracksuit?

Answer: The bride.

Question 2: Two Scouse girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Answer: Society.

Question 3: What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?

Answer: A bus shelter.

Question 4: What do you call a 30 year old Scouse girl?

Answer: A Grandmother.

Question 5: Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?

Answer: To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Question 6: What's the first question during a Scouse quiz night?

Answer: What you looking at eh?

Question 7: Two Scouse girls in a car without any music - who is driving?

Answer: The policeman.

Question 8: What's the difference between a Scouse girl and an Scouse boy?

Answer: The Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.

Question 9: What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?

Answer: Fathers day.

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries? And lots more from Ray Watson

A woman awakes to find that her husband is not in bed. She goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. He is deep in thought, staring at the wall. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

He looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years’".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

"I would have gotten out today!"

WWII Monopoly and fast food/reminiscences

Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British airmen found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their escape. Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW could go for food and shelter. Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush.

Someone in MI5 got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever. At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort. By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the UK Licensee for the popular board game, Monopoly.

As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of war. Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece. As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:

1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass

2. A 2 part metal file that could be screwed together

3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air Crews were advised, before taking mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square.

Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful technique again.

The story wasn't de-classified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honoured in a public ceremony. It's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail' Free' card!

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. ‘All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could handle it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans , set foot on a golf course, vacationed out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bike that weighed 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

I remember we had a television which was really a piece of polished furniture, the screen seemed about 6” square (that is 150mm in new money). It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

My first burger was a “Wimpey” (sic, ‘Wimpy’) however, you had to sit down on a chair, at a table. Then a waitress asked you politely ”What would you like?”

Your food was brought to you on a plate and you were also provided with a “knife and fork”. But the strange thing is……you paid for it after you had eaten it!!!!

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes

2. Coffee bars with juke boxes

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles

4. Party lines on the telephone

5. Newsreels before the main feature film

6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until it started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels, if you were lucky)

7. Peashooters

8. Andy Pandy

9. 78 RPM records

10. Hi-fi's

11. Tin Baths

12. Blue flashbulb

13. Cork popguns

14. Wolsley, Riley, Austin, Morris, Triumph and Vanden Plas, made Motor Cars

15. Sweets actually filled the wrappers

16. Washing machines with wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young

If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older

If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,

If you remembered 11-16 = You're older than dirt!

And finally, some seasonal silliness …

Seeing how we’ve hardly mentioned the dreaded “C word” (Christmas) so far, here’s a little song that I knocked up for the band to play last year but there wasn’t room in last year’s festive Newslink to print it.

Now I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m in any way cynical or anything …

Christmas time again

Now Christmas time is once again here           (G - C)
The sleigh bells ring and the children all cheer           (G – D)
And all of the adults tremble in fear          (G – Em)
‘Cos it’s Christmas time again.           (Em - C – D – G)

The TV adverts make me want to scream
It feels like I’m having a terrible dream
And the shops are still selling sun tan cream
But it’s Christmas time, apparently.

Men dressed as Santa want all my dough
I’ll punch the next bloke that says “Yo ho ho!”
Shove his charity box where it doesn’t show
“Merrrry Christmas!”

Five quid a child just to go in the grotto
Cobblers to that unless I win the lotto
“Bah humbug” seems to be a good motto
When it’s Christmas time again.

The kids don’t want bikes or new party frocks
They’ve all got to have the latest X-box
And all I ever get are more bloody socks
And a year’s supply of Lynx.

And I must attend the wife’s works Christmas bash
Be on best behaviour and spend loads of cash
Oh sod it, I think I’ll just go on the lash
As it’s Christmas time again.

So I drink wine and beer in copious amounts
And then I set eyes on the girl from Accounts
I slip her my best lines – I’m ready to pounce
Well, it’s only once a year innit?

I take her outside – the air’s cold as a freezer
To help keep her warm I cuddle and squeeze her
Oh Christ, I think it’s a cross dressing geezer!
Christmas bloody Christmas.

After three months of build up it’s now Christmas Eve
The kids are off school and I’m off on leave
One more mince pie and I’m sure I’ll heave
“Huuueeeey” - Christmas again.

The kids lie awake all excited in bed
For some fat bloke to come, all dressed in red
Next year I’ll tell them the old bugger’s dead
Yeah, that’ll save a few bob at Christmas.

Now it’s four in the morning on Christmas Day
I can’t go to bed ‘till the kids drift away
So I slip ‘em a Vallium and think “Hooray!”
A year before Christmas again.

The morning has come and the family’s here
The mother-in-law brings me no festive cheer
I’ve hidden the mistletoe out of blind fear
Help! It’s Christmas again.

The missus’s mother is no Christmas fairy
She’s out of her head on egg nog and sherry
And any time now she’ll start to get lairy
Not much peace and goodwill here mate.

And now the old trout has been drinking my whiskey
Oh bloody hell, now she’s getting quite frisky
I’m off to the pub – this is getting too risky
Why couldn’t I have been Jewish?

I stand at the bar in a line of new sweaters
Once prosperous men now transformed into debtors
Some want to leave home, they write their wives letters
And Christmas cheer abounds.

The log fire burns and we stare at the embers
And come up with plans to cancel Decembers
But we’re all too drunk and no-one remembers
‘Till it’s Christmas time again.

And again … And again … And again …

Contact Newslink

Write to Newslink via the Club.

E-mail via the Club web site.

Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx

Press cutting - Bournemouth Daily Echo

2009-11-24T11:10:00.000Z

I found the following press cutting in the Bournemouth Daily Echo on Thursday 19th November 2010. What can you say other than given the typo, use of the word "members" only serves to make things worse!

Annoyances 2

2009-11-24T11:04:00.000Z

“Independent” radio stations that have identical presenters, identical playlists and identical programmes. Most irritating however is the requisite traffic report girl (always a girl) who, when having to describe a traffic jam with no obvious cause, will ALWAYS state that it is due to “sheer weight of traffic.”

How does this differ from merely “weight of traffic?” ‘Spose it could be worse. (Referring to Annoyances 1) it could have been “actual weight of traffic.”

This does not happen by chance. Somewhere, there will exist a curriculum for training traffic report girls where it will be written in black and white that this term must be used in all situations. Somewhere, potential traffic report girls are failing exams and being thrown back into the massed ranks of unemployables because they forgot to use the word “sheer.”

TV listings magazine and TV announcers who, for reasons I cannot begin to guess at, believe it is their job to tell you what is about to happen in the programme you have decided to watch.
Would we do the same thing in the theatre? “Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for the next act where the Macbeths discover that being royalty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I told you to keep on eye on that Macduff.”

Drivers (and I use the term loosely) who regard the use of indicators as something that should be used by other people. Where I live, this would be about 75% of all drivers. I have lost count of the number of times I stand on the pavement waiting to cross only for the oncoming vehicle to turn off without any indication.

Anyone who listens regularly to PM on Radio 4 will know already what some of us knew before – that it is almost impossible to listen to a weather forecast and have any idea what was actually said. This is probably why you can watch BBC TV and get a local forecast for your region, immediately followed by a contradictory forecast from the Met Office. Switch channels and ITV will often give you a third choice of possible weather. I suspect that there is a pack of “weather cards” – the various presenters select some then have to predict whatever is on it, ensuring that no duplications take place.

I don’t know if this is true, but I was once told that a school had invented the most accurate weather forecasting system ever. Basically it said “Tomorrow will be like today.”

Annoyances

2009-11-11T16:59:00.001Z

I’m in a scathing mood so time to let rip. Things that annoy me are manifold and include:

Getting unsolicited text messages which result in you being charged £4.26 when you open them even though you immediately hit the red button to stop whatever it’s trying to do. Equally annoying would be phone companies (in this case O2) who imply that it is in some way my own fault and refuse to refund me. I wonder how the service from Virgin will compare …

Cruel, politically motivated media types who manipulate the grief of a bereaved mother for their own devious purposes. If poor Gordon Brown’s letter looks like it might have been written in a hurry well, maybe that’s because he’s got a country to run. And if the real issue is the state of his handwriting or even spelling, then someone has got their priorities very badly wrong.

The privileges granted to the very rich. I am a fan of the Armed Forces and have nothing but respect for their bravery and professionalism. As a result, I might decide that I would like to attend a Remembrance Day parade. However, people seem to take great offence (and ask me to leave) merely because I choose to attend in a gorilla costume or disguised as the Frankenstein monster or even Groucho Marx. So, how then can it be right that members of the royal family have the right to adopt fancy dress every year – colonels, generals, rear admirals etc? A cynical person might suggest that their undeserved adoption of the uniforms of high office devalues the skills, hard work, bravery and length of service of those that actually earned them.

People (and by people I mean women) who insist on trying to eat their meals using only a fork. These are invariably the same people who use said fork to pointlessly and constantly re-arrange the food on their plate, time and time again. A cornerstone of mankind’s evolution must surely be the ability to initially devise tools and then to use and further develop the ones which aid their purpose. Therefore, if you insist on eating a meal without using the available (and historically well proven) knife – accept the fact that you are a genetic throwback more suited to a cave than a house. Sorry.

People who are incapable of talking on a mobile telephone without constantly walking backwards and forwards two or three paces at a time. Pretending to be a yoyo can, in no way, enhance the effectiveness and/or enjoyment of your conversation. Although, to be honest, you are probably “talking” to someone who eats their meals using only a fork and so the word “conversation” is probably somewhat optimistic.

People who are so incredibly, mind numbingly idiotic that they use the word “literally” when what they in fact mean is “metaphorically” – the exact opposite. Do not tell me that there was a spider in your bath that was “literally the size of a house” unless you possess a very small doll’s house and can prove the point. In fact, don’t bother as you would clearly be an idiot either way.

And while I’m kind of on the subject, what about the word “actually” – is there any real point in its existence? Think of a sentence with “actually” in it (and unless the sentence is “How do you spell ‘actually’”) you will probably find that you can remove the word with no loss of meaning.

In fact, it’s nothing short of an insult. When someone uses the word, what they are saying is “I’m going to ask you a question and I can’t trust you to answer it accurately without indulging in a flight of imaginative fancy unless I include the word ‘actually’ in the question.

For example:

“Did you actually tell the boss what you thought of him?”

“No, that all happened inside my head but by including the word “actually” in your question you force me into admitting the truth. Had you omitted the word ‘actually’ I could quite happily have given you the made up version in which I punched the boss on the nose. Curses.”

Women with shopping trolleys. Many of them have clearly driven to the supermarket in cars without having any form of accident suggesting that they have some degree of spatial awareness, hand-eye co-ordination and a degree of understanding of the laws of the road. So why does grabbing hold of a shopping trolley appear to induce symptoms akin to a back street lobotomy?

Why do they swing their trolleys around without looking what is behind them or decide to reverse with an equal lack of vision? Why do they deposit a trolley in the centre of an aisle then wander off to fetch something from somewhere else? Why wait until they are in a supermarket to make all their bloody telephone calls as they attempt to guide the trolley single handedly?

I used to think that this was merely incompetence but my eyes have been opened to a conspiracy, and this is true. Not absolutely true (see below) but merely true as in, not made up. Two women had decided to have a chat in Sainsburys. Clearly, in whatever universe their minds resided, the obvious way to do this was to stand in the middle of an aisle then turn their two trolleys nose to nose so as to completely block said aisle. Needing to pass them, I (with my considerately chosen basket) turned sideways and edged between the trolleys without so much as a nudge to either. At this point both women began to verbally abuse me with much waving of arms. So clearly there is an evil conspiracy at work here rather than mere stupidity

Comedians. Have you noticed how if a comedian says that a story is true, nobody believes them? So now, in order to make the point, they all, and I do mean all, use the term “absolutely true.” Quite how “true” and absolutely true” differ is a mystery to me but it’s not one to spend too much time worrying about as some bright spark will no doubt start describing his made up stories as “absolutely true” at which point all fellow comedians will have to adopt a new terminology.

“Really absolutely true” perhaps or how about “Literally absolutely true” – but this will only serve to confuse the sub-morons who have no idea what “literally” means.

Right, that’s it. I’m now off to the supermarket – and this is absolutely true – where I will make a series of nuisance calls to O2 whilst actually walking repeatedly backwards and forwards crashing my trolley into anything that comes within reach. Then I’m off to find a sales assistant to ask for a cutlery set with no knives in it so that I can look so marvellously sophisticated when I attempt to ham fistedly dismantle a pork chop using only a fork. Literally.