And then I read this post by Jewel at her blog: A Perfect Fit

So here’s some background … I have known Jewel since I was a young, heartbroken and determined college student. God brought her into my life just as I was healing from a terrible situation and seeking God. She isn’t a perfect person but a woman that loves the Lord and has an open and bright heart. I share this because I want anyone reading to understand that I don’t read her blogs for the sake of reading, but because I know her heart is in the words…

So the post that I just read was in short about single women who are dating: knowing our worth and that we are good enough. Please read the entire blog whether you’re single or taken, man or woman. It was enlightening.

In it, she talks about many of the same things I have spoken about (on this blog and in other realms) and things that I am currently going through. One particular paragraph really hit home for me:

If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious-He’s NOT looking for anything serious. I don’t care how pretty you are, how seductive you are-listen to him. He’s not ready.

 

How many times have I said this myself? A million! I’ve posted it on FB and twitter and said it to my friends but it wasn’t until I read these sentences (in the context of the entire post) that it finally hit me. The exact thing that I had been warning other people about, is the same exact thing I was getting ready to go and do! I wanted to tell a man that has told me more than once that he isn’t ready that he should be ready because I want something from him that he is unwilling or unable to give. Nevermind the fact that I already know that I won’t get it. It’s just the rebel in me wanting to “take a chance.” As I was reading Jewel’s post and reflecting on my own thoughts about this particular man, I heard me telling myself :

I had to take the largest of chill pills and tell myself: Girl, that man don’t wantchu! (lol, that’s what I said).

See, the thing is, I have held on to feelings for this person for quite some time. And, instead of just letting them go, I allowed myself to fall deeper into them by giving away my time and energy which only made things worse. The more time, the more frivolous PDA, the more … whatever that we give each other, the harder it is to distinguish between what’s been said and what’s been shown. Because what I see and what I hear are two different things but I learned a long time ago that men will usually be very verbally clear even if the actions they show you contradict that.

We try to be everything we think the man wants. We act cool, not too needy. We act like we’re just “hanging and having fun.” We put on a front not to scare them away. I will tell you this-once you get married all those things you hid will come to light. You tried putting your best foot forward by hiding things but it’ll come out sooner or later. So why not, just be intentional in dating? Forget “just having fun”, women are delicate! We can’t play “the game” like men. God created us to love, and nurture and have hearts. We love strong! And you weren’t designed to do that for every man you meet nor were you created to have your heart broken over and over again. Really no one is.

 

I have come to realize (the hard way) that I’m not a “kick-it girl”. I am a “move into your heart” type of woman. I am not pleased by the causal  nature of  many dating situations. I’m not okay with the “having fun” when in the back of my mind I know I want something more. I have known this for a long time, this is what I did.

So I quit dating. I quit selling myself for close to nothing. God had bought me for a price-and I was going to start charging! Every cute guy with a good line was NOT going to be able to “get to know me.” If God created ONE man for ONE woman, then he had to be special.

 

I “quit” dating probably about 2 years ago. In fact, when I told this to one of my good male friends and he asked why – my reply was that I had to be focused on other things like school. His reply was “once you graduate, then what will your excuse be?” At the time I rolled my eyes and explained to him that I wouldn’t find excuses, but when the time was right it would be right. Fast forward and I realize that he was right, however, it wasn’t excuses that I found, just better reasons.

I found that dating just wasn’t working for me the way I was going about it. I allowed too many people to have my number, my conversation, my time, my affection … So I stopped. I found the things that were holding me back and figured out what changes needed to be made: choosing celibacy, choosing to be more selective, giving time to people who really and truly care for my best interests and learning patience.

And it works. I still meet bozos here and there but it’s easier to weed them out.

On the other hand, I have moments like the one I started the post about in the first place. Moments where I want to ignore what I know to be true and right for me and just do what feels good. Moments where I have to sit back and assess where my thoughts are coming from – my heart? my confused mind? the outside world? lust? And that is when God blesses me with things like Jewel’s post. Things that put into perspective all of the choices I have made to shield myself from the shallow and murky world of dating.

I know that there are God-loving men out here who are marriage-minded and that there is one made solely for me. And I know that when the time is right, he’ll come around and God will bless our union. And, in the meantime, I have to do ensure that I am making God choices, not Me choices.

For today, that meant realizing that no matter what feelings I have for the gentleman I previously spoke of, those feelings would be best left alone for now. He is not ready and truthfully, neither am I. That doesn’t mean that in the future we wouldn’t be right for each other but it certainly doesn’t mean that we will. We could both just as well be being prepared for two other wonderful people and our dealings could even be blocking that. I don’t know, just speculating. However, what I do know is that I can’t push any man to do or be anything I want him to be. That means that no matter how badly I would want to tell this guy that I want to be with him and he needs to get his life, it wouldn’t matter what I said. If he wanted to be with me, he would let it be known.

Sometimes we just need a reality check, whether from a friend or a stranger. My reality check stopped me from throwing my heart back into a place where I knew it might not be welcomed. It reminded me to be patient and to be dutiful in my growth as a Woman of God. All that other stuff will eventually come along and moments like these, they pass. I’m just grateful that Jewel saw fit to bring these words from her heart to her blog for women like me who need a little check every once in a while.

You can find her post here at A Perfect Fit. 

One Last Statement On Black Love

I love your brown skin

Next to mine

I love your thick hair

Coiled into locs

I love your dark eyes

Piercing, peering into mine

I love your strong back

Lifting, toiling, working overtime

I love your deep voice

Drilling into my senses

I love your deep thoughts

Driving into my soul

I love your style

Your gait

Your lips

I love your raised fist

Your head high

Your unapologetic blackness

I love your … everything

brown brother to my soul

lover to my heart

this is for you

I bought a domain about a year ago to premier two projects I am working on and I want to use that new site for all of my writing… but I haven’t had the site built yet because in my head.. I got nothin!

In the meantime… I will check in here from time to time and look for new followers, admirers and lovers…

Just know this… things have changed drastically in my life (as they should have) so some of my content and context has changed… but not all… you’ll enjoy it anyway if you read it

Then right now.. I had an epiphany, that is the problem! That notion that I have to feel some strong romantic tug telling me that I am head over heels for someone.

I had that before and that negro ended up being a crazy sonofapossiblecrackhead..

Perhaps, what I need is that man that makes me feel good telling him anything, who makes me laugh, who makes me want to play.. even if I don’t feel earth shattering love feelings for him.. something that is easy and easy to handle..

Maybe I’ve been looking too hard.. and not only that.. too hard for the wrong things..

I’ve got a good thing going and I almost ruined it with silly notions like those.. maybe it’s time to let go of the Cinderella fantasy and truly follow my heart.. because right now I think it’s pointing in the right direction…

Who said love had to feel like a Hans Christian Andersen story!??

What happened?! I don’t think anything special happened! I did as much homework as I could over the weekend, spent time with family and relaxed a bit.. but nothing about that is unordinary..

Maybe it’s just God answering my many prayers!!

If a dude doesn’t want you.. just give it up!! Whether it’s something wrong with you or something that has nothing to do with you.. accept it and keep it moving!!

Nothing is worse than a desperate female clinging to a fantasy of a man she’s created in her mind… He’s just not the one for you!! Rather than waste all your time trying to be stuck to someone that’s trying to shake you, spare yourself the drama and wait for the guy intended for your life..

And seriously.. nothing is uglier than interfering in his life when he has something better new going on.. Let him live..

When a man says he doesn’t want you.. he.does.not.want.YOU.. there’s nothing you can do to wear him down or convince him that he should be with you.. And if he’s met someone else, don’t be a jealous, spiteful heifer.. just leave it be..

And please don’t stalk, that’s just not cute!

I understand what it’s like to want someone to want you the way that you want them, but it’s pointless to keep trying when the other person is giving you zero effort.. whether he says it or gives you non-verbal cues, you need to pay attention and act accordingly..

I could go on and on but I don’t have the time or energy for crazy people….

Be Specific About Your Future

In order to get to where you want to be, you need to describe exactly what you want. For instance, Abraham told Eliezer exactly what kind of wife he wanted for Isaac. He told him to go back to the land of his relatives instead of picking Isaac’s wife from among the Canaanite women.

You will never reach a vague goal. The more general it is, the less power it has. But the more specific it is, the more power it has in your life.

Ask yourself these four questions: 1) What do I want to be? 2) What do I want to do? 3) What do I want to have? 4) Why do I want it?

You can’t just know the what, you need to know the why – that’s your motivation. If you don’t know why, you will give up when it gets tough.

When Eliezer heard Abraham’s goal, he started asking “What if?” If you listen to the what-ifs of your goal, you will fail because of worry and fear.

You don’t need to focus on the how for now because, once you figure out the why, God will show you how. He will help you solve the problems that stand in the way of your goal.

Reading: Gen 24: 3-4

This was just in time for me… not only confirming but reassuring… Hope it is for you as well

Okay, we all know the world won’t collapse just because two viable, single adults form a romantic connection that started as an acquaintanceship on a social network. But why do people act like it will?!

Ever since the beginning of Facebook’s world domination (no, MySpace does not exist, it was an illusion) single people have been hooking up and their friends have been weirded out.

But really, what is so weird about meeting a person online? The only difference between meeting a person via a social network and meeting them at the club/grocery store/gas station is that you can’t tell if their breath smells like four piles of wtf.. oh, or if they’re a real person.

But forget the fake profile thing for a minute and think about this:

Meeting a person on a social network is very similar to meeting them in real life, not to mention, it can also be easier…

Who are the people you follow or befriend online?! First you start off with people you know: friends, roommates, acquaintances, coworkers. Then you begin to add on friends of friends. Real life works in the same way.. you meet up for drinks with your best friend and she brings along her friend who you like and begin hanging out with which allows you to meet more strangers people. Not the same concept?!

Fine.. then think about how when you go out to your favorite bar you see a guy that is always there but you never talk to. Only this time he’s hanging with a guy that you’re friends with. Now you approach the friend, are introduced to the guy and maybe even exchange numbers. Later you can get the deets on this guy from your friend & fall happily in love.

Twitter is the same.. that one random guy keeps getting retweeted by a person you know.. then one days he’s in your mentions, next thing you know you’re mutual followers. Then you get a dm, exchange numbers and it’s on.. and don’t forget how you’ll be calling that one RT crazy friend to get all the details on @SexualChocolate later on.

Social networks serve to make your networks expand. Whether you’re making business contacts or new friends to smoke hookah with, your network is increasing every time you open it up to a new friend request.

Then of course there’s the fact that the sites give you an opportunity to “get to know” a person before you even think of meeting them in real life. Every photo added, status update and subtweet tell you a bit about the person you’re linking up with.

You’ll find out about his crazy ex, his obsession with shopping, his hobbies, his resume and all the other tmi shit people can’t stand to keep to themselves..

Now you’ve formed a level of comfort with a person.. and a false sense of security but let’s stay optimistic..

By forming a bond online you can begin to see who this person is, potentially. At the very least they’ve given a good first impression because you’re taking the bond offline.. and why not? You already know that you’re a little bit compatible.

You both enjoy social networking and share some friends in common. Then you read a Twitter update and fall in love instantly because he’s gushing about how he can’t live without pancakes and Criminal Minds marathons.. Bam!! Love connection (you better hit that dm before the next nerd does)

The only weird part about meeting a person online is actually having to meet them in real life.. but why let that stop you?! Meet up at Starbucks and find your love! Or both of you can meet up with that mutual friend for drinks.. or he can just fly in from whatever faraway state he lives in and take you to dinner?! Either way it goes.. don’t let the weirdness of meeting them or the potential side eyes stop your flow.. Love doesn’t have any boundaries. If it can walk up to you in the club wearing a jheri curl and denim suit in 2011 then it can surely float by you on the arms of Mark Zuckerberg..

We live in a totally new era, gone are the days of landline phones, handwritten poetry and placing ads on the back of a newspaper. Be open to finding love (or lust, if that’s your steez) in all places.. you never know what princes may be chillin in your DMs..

I pretty much did the same thing in the opposite, non-Disney way.

I kept ending up hurt in love (either by own hard-headedness or by silly ass men I had no business dealing with in the first place, which basically means: me, again). And in order to stop being or feeling hurt, upset or pissed off, I developed a shell.. I’m pretty sure it’s just made out of plexiglass though. I’m not a Gabrielle Union character just yet, but I am a little jaded, over it, done.

I got so tired of wanting something that I clearly wasn’t ready for, so sick of spending time thinking about people who weren’t worried about me, so annoyed with even hoping that this might turn out right. I just gave up.

I decided I was done meeting guys, dating guys, calling, texting or thinking about men. I was completely over it. And I decided to pull my focus into better things: God, school (which hasn’t started back yet) and saving up money for after graduation (so now I have 3 jobs). Not bad things to focus on.. but still..

My entire life I have been “boy crazy” I always liked meeting guys, talking on the phone, going on dates and yes, I even got a kick out of the drama. And then one day, it was just a wrap for that life.

I didn’t realize that I’d built up some sort of wall until a guy friend said to me “you don’t have to be so hard with me, you can say how you feel.” I was all like “WHAT?!” But I realized, he was right. I had gotten jaded, I hate hearing about relationships, often times I’m pretending I’m happy for someone when I really could care less and the thought of actually dating is so foreign to me now that I don’t even understand how people move past a first date.

I wasn’t even able to be honest with my friend about my feelings towards him unless they were negative (sorry, I’m so fucking rude). I meet guys and find 8,000 reasons to dislike them before they can find one to dislike me. I’ve said “I don’t care” so much that I actually began not to. I prayed away natural feelings because I thought it would make me feel better (it didn’t). I’ve broken all the “dating” rules but not in a good way. I’ve tried everything to stop myself from getting hurt, so much so that I ended up being hurt even worse.

Out of all the things I could stand to lose, I lost something I can’t live without: my passion.

Writing has been the one thing that I’ve loved ever since my first story in 4th grade. I haven’t been able to stop thinking in rhyme since then. But when I started building a wall around my heart, I stopped being able to think in color.

When I stopped halfway believing in love (which I hadn’t realized until now) I lost my voice. I gained legs, legs that could walk all up and through town never getting hurt by my own silly fantasies or men who acted but didn’t mean well. But I lost my voice.

This voice has been telling tales of love and lust since before I could even understand what the two words meant. This voice has been fueled by romps in the bed with damn near strangers. This voice has been inspired by finally getting the guy that I dreamed about. The voice has given life to disappointment, pain and the pure joy of being in love.

I have often told myself, there is more to life and more to write about than love. But in my silence I realize that God gave me a voice to write about just that. Sure, I can write about most anything: trees, being Black, couch pillows, cats. But writing about love is my thing. I get no better feeling that when I finish a poem or stream of consciousness that envelops love, hot steamy sex, hatred towards a love gone awry or wanting to be loved. It’s what drives me to write. And all those guys that I’ve been trying to desperately to protect my heart from? They helped to fuel that.

I’m not saying that I’m all ready to get back out there and give dating a real try fuck that but I am ready to take the wall down. If it is going to keep me from my voice, then I don’t need it. I spent so much time focusing on not losing that I lost what was most important to me. Never again.

So thank you to Josh, Robin, Monisa and DeMario for helping me find my voice again. -m. lauren