No, this is not the idea of animals being lawyers, more the idea of animals getting legal representation in matters which might affect them, like cruelty cases. Proponents claimed that it would help in prosecuting cases which would have otherwise never made it to court and gone unpunished. The vote on the issue was this weekend and got turned down, with a 70% majority.

SURPRISE SURPRISE.

Seriously, what would be the point? Something tells me that all this would be is a way for some failed law student to finally make some money back towards his mountainous college fees.

But wait – help is at hand. A drive to educate people on how important the bee really is to our way of life is taking place as we speak, but not where you would expect. No, this drive is taking place in Manchester of all places!

The funny thing is that as part of this drive, people are being trained up as bona fide beekeepers, complete with “my first beehive” style kit to get people going with their own yellow-and-black harbingers of death.

All this just makes me envisage some Moss Side gangster chav tending to a hive of bees in his spare time, keeping it quiet in case someone finds out and steals all his honey to pay for their heroin habit. Either that or they’d just use it like some kind of attack animal.

Why the rest of the world should care about this story is a mystery, however. Somewhere along the way, the girl who once appeared in court for a racially aggravated assault and sounds like a tone-deaf squirrel being put through a clothes wringer has become the new “Angel of the North” and Britain’s Darling.

All we know is that finally, that mong Ashley Cole finally got what was coming to him.

So what’s so great about this theme park then? Well, it has a chocolate car. Not impressed? Well, how about a chocolate terracotta army? Not sure how it can be both terracotta AND chocolate at the same time, but that isn’t the point, is it?

Still not convinced? Well, the Chinese knew you wouldn’t, you cheeky capitalist Westerner you! That’s why they came up with the idea of a chocolate Great Wall of China. Yes, the longest wall on the planet right now has been miniaturised and moulded entirely from choccy.

If only Cadburys had made siege defences from chocolate. Maybe then they wouldn’t have been taken over by a company who think that cheese and polyfiller are the same thing, except for the label…

You see, there is a farmer in the easternmost region of Russia called Primorye, between Japan and China. This farmer had a problem with thieves taking his hard-grown potatoes. So what would you do? Put up barbed wire fences? Security lights, guard dogs, shotgun blast warning shots? Well, none of those were extreme enough for this guy. He is like the Darth Vader of the cultivation world: only total destruction will suffice.

No, this guy made his own landmines instead. Yes, landmines. The things banned under some treaty or other. Princess Diana would have had a fit. Anyway, he planted the things in his fields (short cut to mashed potatoes I guess) and waited to see if anyone would try it. They did.

In the end the person who tried to rob some root veggies ended up suffering some non-specific injuries and the farmer got done by the law for his actions. Thing is, this guy is 73 years old and ended up getting a 2.5 year suspended sentence. So not even jail time – maybe they thought he would be a danger in a prison or something!

Anyway, next time you’re in the far east of Russia and feel like a cheeky spud, leave it…