And That's What Makes Life So Beautiful

New Years Resolutions 2016

2016-01-01T16:38:00.000-05:00

Read a book a month

Write everyday

Spend 1 hour a week creating

Find a new job closer to home

Save 15,000 dollars

Call everyone important to you on their birthday

Talk to one family member everyday

Be a better person

Exercise once a week

Drink tonnes of water

Go snowboarding

Go in a boat

Go skating

Get a new tattoo

Sell 5 handmade things

2015-12-31T21:58:00.002-05:00

The past couple of months have been interesting from the outside perspective, I've seen tears, heard painful stories, and have seen people cry from laughter at her determination. I've also seen an amazing family sacrifice and give their time to their ill mother, grandmother, mother in law and friend. And they did an amazing job as a team. Working as a team can certainly have it's challenges, but as Sarah dimmed, her family shone brightly. And each and every one of them should be proud to have allowed their mother such a beautiful disembarkment. Last time I sat with Sarah she looked around the room at her sons and her daughter and said so softly to me "They grow so fast," and she paused "...so fast." And it really hit home as my nearly 9 month old sat beside me. She was making sure I heard her. And she looked so closely into my eyes and leaned forward as if she was asking if I did, she then nodded and looked up again at her children, her grandchildren and great grand child. I will always be sure to remember this moment, because for me, after not getting this conversation with my Great Grandmother it was important I truly heard her. On December 30th, 2015 Sarah Brocklehurst passed away peacefully surrounded by her loving family. She celebrated her 83rd birthday on December 19th, 2015 and had a bountiful Christmas with her family. Sarah (or Nan as I got to know her) was a beautiful person who welcomed me into her family. Above is a photo of her and her great grandson (My son, Loxton). In the short time I was able to get to know Sarah I realized a lot about what is important in life. Family. Family is 100% paramount. She was a shield for her children, a source of light, a movie date and a supporter of their dreams and wishes. She was a mother as am I, and I hope to raise my children as strong willed, passionate, loud and determined as hers. The night of her passing I prayed for her and her family, and I hoped she would pass exactly as she did, with minimal pain, with her family. Thank you so much Sarah, you've allowed me another family that I will cherish, if it were not for you and your husband I would not have my son and my husband, and my crazy father-in-law so thank you. You will be missed. Hugs. I hope you enjoy the time with your family, and that you catch up quickly.

Grave Reminders

2015-12-30T23:11:00.003-05:00

There is something about death that inevitably makes you question your own mortality and purpose. It makes you reflect on the people whom you've already lost and makes you blatantly aware of the losses you will likely feel. It makes you remember specific last moments with loved ones, friends, acquaintances and strangers. It begs you to ponder and recount your achievements and opportunities. It makes you hug longer and kiss more passionately. Death makes you cry, laugh, and scared. It makes you feel alive and well - mortal. It's an interesting fact that the only thing that is absolute is the ending of our story. They all end the same, you will be in the room, then you no longer will be. Quite similar to birth the number of people in a room can suddenly change.

I weep for those lost.

2015-11-11T11:49:00.001-05:00

Remembrance day is always a tough time of year for me, for my family and for my country. For the past 8 years I have cried every year on November 11th. In 2007 I lost my great grandmother Marion Chambers she was just months shy of 86 years old. That year, on November 9th, I attended my school assembly in Remembrance of our fallen, and I cried, I hysterically cried... I didn't understand why at the time, it was just something about the ceremony that got me that year. I understand why now. The night of the 9th I had to work, it was a Friday, and I was going out of town that weekend to go see a University I was considering. After my shift I noticed that I had a missed call from my older sister Katie. I answered the phone, and unfortunately I was met with a conversation I hadn't prepared myself for. My mama had passed away in her sleep and Katie was calling to tell me. I remember sitting on the curb beside a car filled with my friends who were excited to go on a roadtrip, to a school 4 hours away. And I sat there, for what seemed like forever, talking to my sister, not wanting the conversation to end, let alone having had it begin. I took some time after we ended our call, I wiped away my tears and decided that I would go to North Bay anyways. I don't remember that weekend much... I just remember trailing away in thoughts while others partied. I remember feeling alone, scared and frustrated. I felt like I didn't get my good-bye. Every year I'd call my Mama on Remembrance day and thank her for her service. It was always a great conversation because she always told me a new story... This year I was angry I didn't get that phone call, I didn't get to say, "Bye Mama I love you, I'll talk to you next week". Instead if I had called her it would have been a long time waiting for staff to answer her phone. I had voicemails of her on my answering machine, for months I held onto the comfort of knowing her voice was right there... but wasn't.

So every year on Remembrance day I weep. I weep because I miss my Grandmother and because I can feel the energy of remorse fall over my country. And this year, I cried in tradition. But this year was different, it was more difficult and painful. I sat and watched the ceremony on T.V. with my 7 month old son Loxton. As he shuddered in my arms as the cannons were fired I realized war is scary, for everyone. As he sit quietly while the trumpeter play "The last post", I sob and hold him tightly. This year I realize that despite the fact that the war had touched my family and my life, I was never a child of war. I have never personally been harmed by war.

So this year I am more thankful than I have ever been in my life. I am so thankful to have choice, freedom and solace. I am thankful to be Canadian. I am thankful to be alive, in my beautiful home, with my beautiful family, sharing stories of a beautiful woman who we lost November 9th, 2007. I am thankful I have some of her features, and her caring nature. I am thankful to have the time to Remember.

Rest in Peace. Thank you to all that have faught and fight for my freedom.

Life is Beautiful. I(We) took a chance.

2015-09-23T12:08:00.000-04:00

On April 6th, 2015. We welcomed our son Loxton James Brocklehurst into the world. That was nearly 6 months ago now. I have been caught up in something wonderful. I've had people say to me, in preparation of having a child: "You'll never be fully prepared". Whether that meant financially, emotionally, whether I've completed my goals, they'd say "you'll never feel ready." And it was kind of true. I was ready to have our son, we planned to have him, in fact I wished for him on a star, and a week later I conceived him. But what I wasn't prepared for was the absolute pouring of my soul into him. I am so in love. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and having his father be the best person I could have ever found for myself, I wasn't prepared. I often cry from Joy, that right there is a miracle. I am overwhelmed with the love a child brings into your life, they welcome love into your home. They cause families to connect, reflect, love exponentially and persevere.

I am Happier than I ever thought I could be, and I truly wasn't Prepared for that.

5. At which point in your life have you been the happiest, what was different then?

2014-05-05T23:55:00.006-04:00

I can say in the most humblest of words that I have never been more happy than I currently am.

I think I am so happy because I have a strongly solidified personal relationship with an amazing man. My career is fluttering with hope, I have a lot within my reach and that feels rewarding, delayed gratification, but definitely worth the wait! I have people who surround me with love that inspire me to be a good person everyday. I am healthy, strong and impenetrably positive.

And What Makes Life So Beautiful

My 2014 Reading List

2014-04-27T00:06:00.002-04:00

1 Crank - Ellen Hopkins

2 Flirting with the monster - Ellen Hopkins

3. Glass - Ellen Hopkins

4. Fallout - Ellen Hopkins

5. To kill a mockingbird - Harper Lee

6. The Lion, Witch and the Wordrobe

7. Harry Potter - The Philosopher's Stone - J.K. Rowling

8. In the realm of hungry ghosts - Gabor Mate

9. Girl Interrupted - Sussana Kaysen

10. The girl that played with fire - Steig Larsen

11. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

12. The House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski

13. Bad Behaviour - Mary Gaitskill

14. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

15. Farenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury

16. Inferno (The Divine Comedy) - Dante Alighieri

17. The Outsiders

18. The Giver

19. The Death of Ivan Illych

20. Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace

I'm thankful I never killed myself.

2014-01-31T00:11:00.002-05:00

I'm thankful I never killed myself. I can't help but think of the people that would have missed me; the people I never met who would have missed me. The changes I wouldn't have made, and the lives I wouldn't have saved. I'm thankful I never killed myself, because today I've never been so alive. I'm reminded of the things that hold me here, the words I repeat in my head when I'm sick. When I'm sick and tired of living. I remind myself that I am never handed something I can't handle. I remind myself that sometimes it's not the fault of the people who surround me, who can't handle me. Because a person who is depressed, a person who wants to let go is tiring. And sick. And they are sick of being tired.

I'm thankful I never killed myself. I'm thankful I've seen the sunset so many more times than I ever would have imagined the beauty of. I'm thankful the stars have shined over me, and reminded me, that in life, there is hope that glimmers like them. I'm thankful that I've let tears fall from my cheek in sorrow and in love. I'm thankful that I have loved and I have lost, and I'm thankful to just be alive.

I'm thankful I never killed myself, because I'd rather see the face of my family happy, than never see them again and know that they are always internally crying. I'm thankful for the pain I've felt and the strength that creeped up inside me along the way.

I'm thankful I never killed myself. And Selfishly I'm thankful that I never gave up and submitted to the grave, because I've learned that I belong here, that I belong a life because... I GOD DAMN DESERVE TO BE HERE! And so do you. I'm thankful I never killed myself, so that I could remind you not to.

I'm thankful I never killed myself, because I couldn't imagine leaving people with this feeling:

Jared Singer: "A letter to Sarah"

What do you see yourself doing when you are 80 years old, what is important to you?

2014-01-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want out of life.

I've spent primarily the last 10 years of my life telling myself I will have more in the future, recently I've found myself regressing a bit. I've gone from, I will have more in my future, to I want more now. Although this disillusion that more things will bring me happiness I can't help but feel like this hope of a better tomorrow is what keeps me going. I think I've felt like a warrior for too long, like I've been fighting an unrealistic battle with everyone and everything on this planet, that is to say I will never win. I keep wanting more, I want to continue having a happy life with my spouse, I want a home, a wedding and a child. But the more I desire and set out to accomplish these goals, the more I see myself pushing away my spouse, the more I see myself putting barriers in my way.

If I'm lucky enough to make it to 80 years old...

I see myself gardening, painting, writing, singing horribly, kissing and hugging my grandchildren, baking treats I probably shouldn't eat, and still being in love with Darryl.

I see myself content at 80 years old, the things that will be important to me will be the people and the things I have worked for, not the things that I want.

I guess that's the lesson... Will the choices I make today ultimately lead me to being a happy 80 year old?

2014 New Years Resolutions!

2014-01-01T23:25:00.002-05:00

Let's keep it simple

It's a New Year! Last year was great! Let's trump it! I want to see a lot of things happen this year, and I know it's imperative that I am realistic about the goals I'd like to see come to fruition, this year, in 2014!

Get a second job (Preferably in the Human Services field, or in a Social Work/ Clerical position.)
Save money! Make a budget and stick with it!
Pay down 5,000 of my student loans by next January
Write on my blog once a week
Build more routine into my day
Read 20 books, Keep track!
Be positive!
Keep moving forward!

2013-07-28T00:06:00.003-04:00

I'd like to write a poem,
but perhaps I've forgotten how
I used to write with feeling, forgetting what I was writing down
I'd cry on the pages, scour and scold my emotions
My mouth would begin to taste like blood as I focused
I don't have emotions that strong anymore, my thoughts don't run from my mind
Trying everything to jog across the paper, falling and scratching knees, making dents in metaphors
I miss the times I felt resentment, loss and anguish
I miss feeling out of control and uneasy
Turning words into phrases and phrases into scars
I miss not thinking before I acted, where all of who I was, was freely escaping, not encased and enshrined in a forever normal frame of mind.
Sometimes my artist calls out, tells me to grasp onto anything worth creating
I spin intricate language in my mind and let it fall off the spool and tangle until it's no longer a thread pulled tight, but instead a knot, a knot inside my head.
I've spent some time untangling what my life has been up until now. I've spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with who I am. Who I am... Who am I.
At times I feel like a dazzling night sky, a canopy of hope lingering over the world. With shooting stars carrying dreams, and handing them out.
At other times, I feel like the dirt I pound down with my footsteps. Laying low, barely floating in the air, barely known to exist. But still made up of tiny specks of shimmering glass, stone and wood, the things that make life so beautiful.
Lately I've felt defeated, but I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because I've forced my inner dialogue to hush. To remain still and stagnant, like a pond untouched by jumping frogs, but rather thinly veiled with ice and silence.
But I want to be the early morning, the morning where the sun catches every bit of dew hanging suspended in the just lit sky over green opulent and fertile fields. I want to be a glistening reminder of a new day. I want to be the floating breath on a cool fall morning. I want to spread out into the world. I want to be something worth admiring and worth remembering.
I want to be who I am destined to be, I want to be my potential reflected on the cleanest, newly pressed mirror.
I want to be free from the shambles of my own inflicted doubt.
I want to share what it is to be me. What it is to be free.

I'm me, because that's who I am destined to be.

2013-04-01T22:05:00.002-04:00

2013-04-01T22:00:00.004-04:00

School was about me proving to myself that I had worth, now, without school I'm realizing, that in life I get to show people, and share the meaning of having a sense of self-worth, because I have spent years teaching and proving to myself that I am worth something, that I am good at being myself, I am good at taking chances, reaching out, all of the skills I have learned for the most part, had nothing to do with school, they had everything to do with trying to learn who I am and what I am worth. I think I am ready to move on, I think I am ready to walk away from this sense of needing to be in school to prove a sense of self-worth. I can do this. I've spent so much time trying to fill this void where self-esteem was supposed to go, I filled it with schooling, but I'm realizing in retrospect, I filled it with worth and proving that I am capable, intelligent and that I have a purpose. Knowing that I am capable is my constant now. I've shown myself that I am capable. Let that be my path, my learning environment, and my experience. I'm willing to feel the pain of pride. I'm ready to be tortured by a sense of being good enough. It's a different feeling, it will take time to allow it to be shown to others. I know i can't go back to school, I've been avoiding letting my light shine, I've been avoiding the world, I've been keeping myself locked up in those rooms, in those hallways, on those buses, just because I haven't been confident enough to be outside of those walls... I'm ready, I'm ready to scare myself. I can do this, tell yourself outloud "I can do this", even if right now you don't believe it, you've accomplished scarier, more anxiety provoking things.

If I don't tell anyone it remains a secret with power over me.

2013-04-01T21:57:00.000-04:00

I want to start by telling you that I am very overwhelmed with the support you have given me, and the support I see moving into our future. I guess the reason I'm writing you this is because I have never really been good about telling people how I feel through speaking, I've always just written it down. I had to deal with all my feelings and emotions by writing it down or deal with it by self-harming. So, I've never developed the skills necessary to be able to discuss my feelings.

I want to get better at talking about my feelings, but my defence mechanism has always been to remove myself from a stressful situation and think about it when I'm alone, which clearly has been detrimental. Some things are harder to talk about than others. Talking about abandonment, self-worth, cutting, depression, anxiety and anger are all hard for me to talk about. I guess I've just always assumed that people didn't care, or couldn't handle what I were to say.

I don't want to traumatize you with what I've done to myself all of these years, because I know that you care about me, but you've made me realize that me being unhappy all the time is worse than being unhappy for a couple of hours while talking about how I feel when I feel it.

Self-Harm

You asked me how I used to cut, what my “procedure” was. I'll let you know all of the details and if I hurt you in the process of reading this I'm sorry. It would hurt me to hear you did these things to yourself so I'm warning you ahead of time. I guess I'll start from the beginning. The first time I self-harmed was just by dragging my nails on my skin or digging my nails into my skin. I would feel very overwhelmed with my feelings and emotions. The stinging pain of hurting myself was the only thing that distracted me from the feelings and pain. Unfortunately that stopped being enough. I'd wear hair elastics and would snap them all the time just to get the adrenaline rush. I started being very interested in piercings and tattoos and started researching them in grade 7-8. Because I was so interested in piercings I started piercing my own ears, and I kept going. It felt good to be in pain, because I was feeling something. I would take them all out when I was home, and when I was at school I would have them all in, it was a lot of work in hindsight. I always felt like I was hiding my “true” self from my own family. I always had an affinity to hang out with the misfits, mostly because I identified with them. Unfortunately a lot of the misfits also were dealing with depression and other concerns and started using drugs. The first time I smoked pot I smoked on 420 before grade 9. Because I had already smoked before high school I was able to smoke with everyone and it was a very social thing, it was an excuse to stay out of the house. I feel my smoking pot, drinking alcohol and taking ecstasy all contributed to a worsening feeling of depression. I began feeling so numb and uncaring while I was sober, being high was the only thing that made me feel anything and at the same time helped me feel nothing... I would be so depressed when I was home, I had no one to talk to, I had no healthy way to reach out to others when I was feeling really sad. I couldn't handle the pain of not caring about life, I wanted to be alive, I wanted to be happy and I wanted to feel alive, but nothing inside me allowed for that. I was always self-doubting of my physical appearance, I had feelings on inadequacy that was only exasperated with feelings of abandonment. I was mad that I had moved every year of my life.
Because I was always researching piercings and tattoos I learned about self-mutilation (cutting, burning, erasing etc.) at the time I thought I had found my outlet. I never thought about the repercussions, I always thought the scars would fade, or that I'd be able to hide them forever. At first I would take my razor that I used to shave my legs and try to drag the whole unit across my skin, but all it would do is give me paper cuts. I first did that in the bathroom upstairs at my parents house. I used to stay in the bathroom for hours to avoid everything. I kept seeing pictures of razor blades, but I couldn't figure out how people got razor blades that weren't in a handle. So I took my tweezers and scissors and pried open the razor. At first I was so scared to cut myself, worried that I would cut too deep, I didn't necessarily want to kill myself, I just wanted to feel something. So at first I would “scratch myself” with the blade. But at one point the corner of the blade had grazed my skin and cut me more deeply (still just a tiny scratch). The twinge of pain was uncomfortable at first, until I felt the adrenaline pour through my body. I would only cut myself once at first, I figured just having a very small part on my arm that I could hide with bracelets made it less noticeable to outsiders. I slowly got worse as my life because more and more chaotic. I'd fight with my parents, I'd fight for my freedom but would never gain any. My grades were going down because I was always distracted in class, I'd spend most of my time in class writing about how I felt and I'd spend most of my time outside of school using drugs. When I was home I'd watch tv alone in my room until everyone went to bed and I'd cut, if people were home I'd have a shower, and do it in the shower. I started keeping a tin (an altoid mint tin) filled with things to hurt myself, erasers, safety pins, razors, jewelry, elastics. It felt like a treasure chest oddly enough. I'd write things about how I found my help in steel, that I found my strength in my pain. If you ever want to I can show you my old writing, I have all of it in our home, I just keep them all locked up like my feelings. I began cutting myself more and more every time, because it would take more to get the feeling of adrenaline. I was addicted to it. I became extremely compulsive about doing it, it became a very detrimental habit. I used to write down how many cuts I'd do every night, and I'd take the tissue I bled on, and I'd put them in an envelope, I'd write the date on the envelope, I'd lick it closed and store it away. I remember having hundreds of envelopes that I would hide in a locked brief case under my bed, my blades were in there as well, same with my writings (I've never told anyone that before). It was all private and locked away, overtime i guess my mind took the place of the brief case. My cutting continued to get worse and worse, I slowly was showing the signs of my addiction. I was covered in piercings, I had harmed my body so much that I was covered in scars everywhere. I never was able to wear a bikini around anyone, I'd avoid hanging out with my friends the days they went to the pool. I wasn't able to wear shorts, then I wasn't able to wear pants, I wasn't able to wear t-shirts, tank tops or anything that allowed my arms to be seen. I even had to hide scars on my hands. I felt so alone and isolated in my patterns of behaviour that I just wanted to die, I felt like life was the most painful thing ever presented to me. It seemed easier to quit.

I was so reckless, apathetic and ignorant that I didn't realize I was constantly at risk of dying from overdosing on every drug I could get my hands on, I remember I took 20 wake-up pills (Caffeine pills) and I didn't give a fuck if I would have died. I spent the whole night puking in my room alone with the shakes. I told my mom I had food poisoning because I thought she'd be so mad at me. I continued to self-harm between the ages of 13-16, and I guess in a way I still self-harm by not taking care of myself.

When I was 16 I slashed all the way up both arms, all over my legs and stomach. I laid in the tub for a long time, I lost consciousness (I'm not sure if I fell asleep or whether I went unconscious from shock of seeing my body like that) I think I was detached from my body until that day. When I came back to consciousness I felt extremely weak and ill. I had to crawl out of the tub, I sat down on the floor outside of the tub. I hadn't cried in weeks. I was holding it all in at that point... I never knew how to scream out to the world that I needed help. I didn't think anyone could help, I had done it all to myself, and it was up to me to get better. I wrapped my arms up in toilet paper. The bleeding had stopped. I regained some of my strength after sitting on the floor for what seemed like hours. I unplugged the tub. I collected my blades, my tin. I couldn't handle living or being awake after that I was so deprived of energy. I fell asleep on the couch (my bed for a year). I woke up the next morning, my whole body was sore, anytime that I moved I could feel the scabs ripping open. I threw out my tin of metals that morning, and I haven't cut since then. But I'd be lying if I didn't think about it everyday.
You allowed me to realize that I went immediately from harming myself to bettering myself. Being successful was now my drug of choice, I'm addicted to feeling good about my accomplishments. I never had thought about it as detrimental, it's what I find confidence in, it's what I find my own strength in until you mentioned it. But I now know I get high off of the satisfaction of doing well. And I hurt myself by saying it's never good enough. Eventually I will have to come to terms with the fact that it's okay that I'm not perfect.

Abandonment

Anyone I ever cared about left me, or I left them by moving or by isolating myself. It's become a huge pattern in my life. In a way I even abandoned myself, I gave up on myself and allowed myself to be alone. I used to think that it was always my fault. I thought for a long time that my dad didn't think I was important enough to spend time with me. I always isolated myself when I was upset. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that when I would cry or get upset I would go to my room room. I'd just typically sit against a wall and scream. I guess I realized it never worked, so I'd stay quiet and just pull my hair or kick alone. And it only got worse.

I hope that this can be a start to me sharing more, I will never be able to share all of the experiences I've had in my life... but i hope this gives you some insight into why I am the way I am.. thank you for allowing me to be myself and move forward. You will never know what it means to me.. and I hope in time I can do the same for you.

I'm better now, there is hope, I am saying these things because it is something I've been avoiding it for a long while and I need a new emotional milestone.

If you could erase one thing/memory from your life what would it be?

2013-01-15T20:40:00.003-05:00

Typically, I'd be the person who would say that every experience in my life has equally contributed to the person I am today and therefore those experiences have contributed to my current successes and happiness. However, if I could erase one memory it would be the memory of Dan's death. In October, Darryl and I were the only witnesses of a fatal car crash. To be honest I was scared out of my mind as I was running to the car. I froze when I got the car, I had no idea what to do. When we realized there was no one in the car it felt horribly painful as we frantically began looking for someone.

When we heard the crash we were hugging one another. I think that was what made it all so scary. We were standing outside in the dark, it was so quiet that night, everything seemed so calm. Life really has a way of making you feel alive. We spent days talking about it, telling other's the story. It was painful to know that there was nothing we could have done. I don't feel that this experience contributed to my successes and happiness. When I hear a car driving too fast, when I drive, when I hear tires screeching outside, I can't help but think of that night (although it doesn't have a huge baring on my daily living). I know that if we were not there someone else would have found the accident, even worse it could have been the morning and they could have found his body in plain sight.

I learned a lot about myself that night, I realized how fortunate I am. I also realized that I have no control over what will happen to me, and that was quite humbling. I also felt how fast my heart could beat. Like I said, life has an interesting way of making us feel so alive. But I feel these moments of realization could have occurred in a less traumatic way. I feel resolved from it all mostly, but today I got a call to reiterate my statement, again when things were calm, and while I was in a car. I feel a sense of pride knowing that I allowed his family to have a concrete statement about what happened to their son. I just wish I could have helped more to ensure they did not have to hurt. I wish we could have saved him, even until the ambulance got there. And at times I feel guilty for feeling thankful that I did not have to give medical care to a dying man.

I'm sorry Dan, I wish you were still around and that we could have met.

R.I.P.

What is something you'd like to tell your mom and something you'd like to say to your dad?

2012-11-23T14:57:00.001-05:00

I understand everything now, more than I used to. I am sorry for all of the bad things I've said. I'm sorry we don't talk enough. I forgive you for the mistakes you've made. I've learned to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. We have the rest of our lives to grow.

I love you.

Hi I'm Here! I'm Me!

2012-11-20T17:53:00.000-05:00

And I need to get back to writing. I've always found writing one of the most positive cathartic hobbies I ever had. I haven't made time to let all of my feelings out. It's hard to spend time reflecting on who you are as an individual because it's often painful and tiring. But after a life time of holding it in, it's time I share myself to the world, because I feel like I can (hopefully) have an impact.

I don't know what my purpose is, but I'd love to find out.

Vulnerability is:

Letting people read this:

You allowed me to realize that I went immediately from harming myself to bettering myself. Being successful was now my drug of choice, I'm addicted to feeling good about my accomplishments. I never had thought about it as detrimental, it's what I find confidence in, it's what I find my own strength in until you mentioned it. But I now know I get high off of the satisfaction of doing well. And I hurt myself by saying it's never good enough. Eventually I will have to come to terms with the fact that it's okay that I'm not perfect.

2012-07-02T22:28:00.003-04:00

I wonder if the butterfly remembers when it was a caterpillar... Going through a metamorphosis. I guess in a way I'm blessed with the scars of the caterpillars life. Hoping to fly like the butterfly over the beautiful fields of tomorrow.

One Hundred Questions to Get to Know Yourself Better

2012-05-18T13:21:00.000-04:00

A Challenge built with the hope of gaining personal insight, growth and recognition. The amount of openness is up to you, keep some answers stored away in a personal notebook or write some on your blog, your tumblr, tweet short answers, or put them on Facebook if you are adventurous. Steph and I wish you the best of luck!

The questions are meant to challenge your thoughts on personal moments in your life. Some of the questions are meant to get you to the heart of some of your most painful moments and to bring you to the highs of some of your best experiences. Some people may have triggers, and that is okay, keep yourself focused on the writing challenge. If you find yourself in Crisis I insist you talk to a friend, a family member, a crisis line or a personal counselor. We hope that everyone enjoys the questions and you learn a little bit about yourself. And that's what makes life so beautiful.

Love Cecilia

LETS GET STARED!

THE 100 DAY/QUESTION PERSONAL EXPLORATION CHALLENGE

What does vulnerability mean to you?
What is something you'd like to tell your mom and something you'd like to say to your dad?
If you could erase one thing/memory from your life what would it be?
What do you see yourself doing when you are 80 years old, What would be important to you?
At which point in your life have you been the happiest, what was different then?
What does abandonment mean to you?
Are you frustrated with anyone in your life? Why?
What is something you'd like to overcome?
What does the word love currently mean to you?
When and where do you most feel like yourself?
What makes you feel alive?
Name 3 of your imperfections.
Name 3 of your best attributes.
Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Something you have to forgive someone for.
Something you hope you never have to do.
Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Someone or something you definitely could live without.
A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Your views on gay marriage.
Your views on drugs and alcohol.
How do you feel about war?
Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Something you wish you had done in your life.
Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Include title and artist)
The reason(s) you believe you’re still alive today.
Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
What’s the best thing going for you right now?
What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
What does the word control mean to you? Do you like or dislike having control?
Do you consider yourself defensive?
What is something you are always worried people are saying behind your back?
What is one goal you set for yourself that you’ve never been able to achieve? What’s holding you back?
Name and explain a time you were really disappointed in yourself.
Describe the best summer of your life. What/who made it that way?
Write a letter to the person who hurt you the most, explaining your feelings about the situation.
What is the one thing that you just can’t seem to get over?
What does education mean to you?
Is there a member of your family that you feel detached from? Why?
Dear future me...
What are you most afraid of becoming?
At what time in your life did you cry the most, why were you upset?
What is something you want for yourself?
What makes you feel proud of yourself?
What is more important your career or having a family? Why?
Write a list of 20 things you want to do before you die
What makes you feel self-conscious?
What makes you feel confident?
What kind of hobbies would you like to explore in the future
Write a thank you letter to someone
How could you better take care of yourself?
Do you love yourself?
Has anyone hurt you? How did it make you feel?
Have you ever hurt yourself? How did it make you feel?
What gets your heart pounding?
What makes you nervous?
Do you ever feel like you can't connect with others?
Is there something you wish you were better at?
How do you manage your anger?
A habit you'd like to quit?
What is something you'd like to do but think you can't?
What kind of role model would you like to be?
Are you sexually comfortable with yourself?
If you were standing in front of a room of strangers naked, how would you feel/react?
What are your thoughts on fate?
What was your first experience with death? What were some of your thoughts?
What are your feelings/thoughts about an afterlife?
When have you ever felt powerless?
What is something you find interesting that you don't share with other people?
What is something you did as a child that you do not do anymore? Why?
What kind of first impression would you hope others would have of you?
How do you think your childhood went over all?
Name a person that you look up to and why?
What was the scariest moment of your life?
If you could make any wish come true what would it be?
Who is your biggest supporter?
Who is your biggest doubter?
How do you manage stress?
Have you given yourself an orgasm?
Has anyone ever made/helped you have an orgasm?
Go find a place in nature, forget your phone and explain what it feels like to be disconnected.
Do you talk about your emotions? Or hold them inside? Why?
Have you ever lied to yourself? What was it about?
Find a picture of a time you were really happy. What was it about that situation that made you so happy? Explain.
What is your biggest fear? Do you wish to overcome it?
How have your parents’ actions shaped you into the person you’ve become?
Do you push people away? Why?
Do you feel like you’ve ever conformed to society’s standards?
Have you ever changed yourself for someone you loved? Why or why not?
Name a time when you had your heart broken. Explain how it felt.
Write a letter to someone who you’ve held back your feelings from
When do you feel your most inspired?
Is life anything like you planned it to be?
If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
Have you ever just let yourself “let go”?
Is there a question you wish we had asked? Provide your question and the answer.

"Being yourself you can make a better world"

2012-02-01T20:14:00.002-05:00

I had the great honour of hearing a wise man speak today. My friend Kevin Salzman, who I am lucky to know, spoke at the local club and he spoke of his determination to go "beyond borders, beyond boundaries and beyond limitations". Today he did just that proving to himself and to others alike that a person with Cerebral Palsy can do anything they put their mind to. Kevin is a very inspiring friend and often he says that he is inspired by me. I laugh every time because in comparison to his motivation, mine is minuscule. Kevin plans to go across Canada in the summer of 2012 in a manual wheelchair. A feat that I could never imagine possible, if it weren't for his brilliant attitude and drive. Kevin often jokes that he is similar to Charlie Sheen in the fact that "[he] only has one speed, GO". And boy is it ever true.
I realize that going beyond our borders, boundaries and limitations is what makes us who we are. If we are not striving for a better us than we merely aren't living. Tomorrow as today I will fight to become a better Cecilia. I will allow Kevin to do just as he has set out to do, he has lit a fire inside me to push forward and achieve all of my greatest dreams. I surely won't go across Canada in a wheelchair, I'll leave that to him, but I will ensure I am giving myself a fair shot.

Inspiring others is what makes life so beautiful.

2012-01-20T11:02:00.000-05:00

2012-01-19T15:32:00.001-05:00

"Having someone say exactly what you needed to hear"

2012-01-19T15:18:00.001-05:00

"Creating positivity in the world"

2012-01-18T11:57:00.002-05:00

"Fresh Tracks in the Snow"
Submitted by Jesse S. via Facebook

Travel Destination - Salt Deserts

2012-01-17T22:19:00.000-05:00