And Then I Started Drinking

Old Flames Extinguished

2014-03-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

Recently, it's been brought to my attention that there really is something special about me. Helen's been trying to get me to see that for damn near three years. I didn't fully believe her. However, there's a lot of things that I can't explain. The biggest one being that no matter what I say or do to Tonya and Matthew, they stand beside me unconditionally. I can do no wrong in their eyes. They might not necessarily agree with how I handle certain things, but they're always there to support me. Matthew looks up to me more than any other kid that's been around me. Helen's boy, Jay does as well. I'm their hero. When I first got with Tonya, I had a few concerns. I wasn't sure about her son for one. Last time I was in a relationship where there kids involved, it was with Tina. We all know how well that worked out. I didn't wanna turn into that monster that I was when I was with her. Another concern was how I felt about Helen at the time. I never admitted this until now... the whole reason that I got with Tina was so I could still be close to Helen. It sort of backfired. I was accused by both Tina and her parents for still wanting to be with Helen. They were right, but I also wanted to be loyal to my then-girlfriend. They told Helen to stay clear of me, so Tina and I could be happy. We didn't talk, we didn't make eye contact, we didn't even act like we were in the same room. It killed me. What I didn't know was that it was killing Helen as well. So, both of us were happy when I finally broke it off after three months of hell. You would've thought that after going through what I went through, I'd have taken a break from dating. Nope, I got right back out on the market. About a couple months ago, I did confess to Helen the reason why I stuck it out with her sister as long as I did. Her response raised my confidence for several weeks. "I'm gonna beat you! Why didn't you tell me sooner? I would've been there!" she said smiling. Helen's one of the few people that has always believed in me. I remember stopping in to see her when she worked at the Family Dollar. I told her that she used to make me feel ten times bigger than I really am. She said "you're twenty times bigger than you think you are." Her daughter, Twila will cuddle right next to me when she gets home from school. Her and her cousins all have little girl crushes on me. Luckily for me, my concerns when I first got with Tonya were answered. Although, I liked Helen a couple years ago, I'm happy with Tonya. I will always care for Helen and I'll always be there for her and her kids. Just as she cares and is always there for me as well. She says I'm her brother. Since most of her family sucks, she could use a brother-figure like me. I'm growing to love Tonya more and more everyday. I said I wouldn't rush things in my next relationship and I'm keeping my word on that. However, if she's still with me around this time next year, I'm making that decision to spend the rest of my life with her. I brought up the past history with Helen for a reason though. A couple weeks ago, I found one of my old crushes on Facebook. Her name's Christina. She wasn't just the one that got away. She was the one that I LET get away. I met her my senior year in high school. I was chilling with the guys on the wrestling team. It was the second to last time that I ever stepped foot on a wrestling mat. She was a freshman on the cheerleading squad. She started giving hugs to the guys for luck. When it came time for me to get one, I jokingly asked about a kiss. She gave me a pec on the cheek without second thought. She hung out with us until it was time for us to go. I lost to my opponent, but it was only by a few points and it was one of my best matches. I held my head high. I'd pass her in the hallway from time to time. There was one day that I was on my way to study hall and she was standing outside her classroom. She saw me and playfully smacked my arm with her notebook. "You never say hi to me when you see me," she said. I apologized and said I would from now on. "Um... do you think I could call you sometime?" she asked. I said that she could and wrote down my number. I started getting phone calls every night from her. She'd write me notes, give me little gifts, hang out with me when we were waiting for practice, etc. So, what was the problem? She was 14 years old and I was 18. Even though she said she liked me, but was cool with just being friends, I was still uncomfortable with everything. So, instead of doing the right thing and just be her friend, I snap at her and ignore her. To her credit, she never said a bad word against me. She had every right to. She would just glance at me in the halls and bite her bottom lip. A few years went by and I ran into her at a dance. I had matured a little bit at this point and apologized for how I handled things. We even danced, that night. Still, I never did forgive myself for how I treated her. Part of me wanted a second chance, but I know deep down that I don't deserve it. I do want some closure. When it warms up, I'm gonna find time where her and I aren't busy and I plan on hanging out with her. Helen offered to go with me, but this is something I need to do on my own. When I found Christina on Facebook, some of those old feelings came back. I started to question whether I was happy with Tonya or not. Christina does have a boyfriend, but I never told her that I did in fact like her back. After talking to Helen, I took a step back and observed everything. Then, it hit me. Why fix what isn't broken? Tonya's been loyal, kind-hearted, and compassionate. She'd do anything for me. Why would I wanna ruin that? Until she does something to betray that trust, I'm not going anywhere. I owe Helen big time for helping me deal with this. I also owe her for meeting Tonya in the first place. I'm almost 100% positive that I found the right one.

A New Family

2013-07-17T19:56:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I met A girl over at Helen's. It just didn't happen to be the one that Helen originally was planning on hooking me up with. Turns out that Tonya was sick of Craig's alpha-male attitude and dumped his ass. You think I'd have learned from past experiences, but I never do. There was a reason why Tonya didn't take her eyes off me when I first met her. She thought I was hot. After I left, Helen had noticed that her eyes never left me. She took her aside and said, "You like him don't you?" Tonya apparently smiled and nodded. "He has a hot body doesn't he?" Helen added. Tonya still smiling, nodded. Helen smiled back at her and said, "I can get him here for you on Friday." So, that's who I met on Friday. I didn't wanna rush into anything, especially when she had a 6 year old kid. Well, after hanging out for a few hours, I spent the night. After going over there a few more times, it hit me that her and I were dating and this time, it was Helen that hooked us up. Since her husband's acting like a douche bag, the only time she can smile, is when she sees Tonya and I interact with each other. Tonya's incredible. She's much better than the last two girls I've dated over the last year and a half. I did have two major concerns. The first one being her kid becoming attached to me and then something happen where her and I break up. He did get attached, but things are going great between her and me. My other concern was actually my biggest. That concern was will my feelings for Helen get in the way of my relationship with Tonya. Tonya is also one of Helen's closest friends. So, we talk about her constantly. After the past few weeks, I realized that although I do like Helen and wished that things ended up differently, I'm just as happy with Tonya. I can co-exist with both of them. In fact, Tonya and I will playfully flirt with Helen and she'll flirt back. Over the past few weeks, Helen has said things to me that have raised my confidence to the sky. "You're really good with kids," "I trust you with my life", "I'd do anything for you, you're my brother!" are just a few examples of things she's told me. I would pace around trying to figure out why Helen never dated me if she really thought that I was this incredible, caring, individual. It hit me, last night. Because of her husband, her image on relationships is ruined. She knows that I'd have treated her real good and I'd always be there for her and the kids, but she didn't want a relationship. There is a ray of light, however. Helen looks up to me as a brother and her kids have taken to me as well. I'm like an uncle to them. Seeing how Tonya lives right above Helen, I can still be there for her and the kids. In a way, I already have been. There's this creepy old man that comes over to Helen's everyday to play with her daughter. This guy buys her stuff every freakin' day. Toys, clothes, shoes, books, all kinds of crap. He even bought a pool for the kids to swim in. Mainly, so he can watch Helen's daughter swim in it. One day, I saw him resting her feet on his lap outside on the railing next to the house. I almost said something. Here's how I sort of solved part of the problem. I've gotten Helen's daughter into wrestling and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So, she'll be watching that when the pedophile comes around. He usually leaves after that. Helen has a big heart and is a bit too forgiving at times. That's the only reason why this pedophile's around, but soon he won't be. The other problem is Helen's husband. He's legit treating her and the kids like crap and he's cheating on her as well. There's no proof, but he hangs out with his ex a lot. In fact, he invited her to Highland Park on the Fourth of July WHEN HIS WIFE WAS GOING TO BE THERE TOO! To Helen's credit, she didn't make a scene. I forgot that because of her parents, she has a gift for putting on a fake smile. She also knows how gorgeous she really is. When her and Tonya went to use the bathroom, all Helen had to do was walk. Tonya told me there were six guys following them and checking them out. Helen knew exactly what she was doing. Tonya said that as soon as Helen has her own set of wheels, she's sending her husband packing. I hope she does it quickly. This week, Tonya, her boy, and I have made a small tradition of playing some of my old wrestling games before bed. The first time we did this, I stepped back and observed the scene. It was like we were a family. No, I'm not proposing anytime soon. We're sort of taking things slow. But, a lot of people say that they can see it happening. It's way early to tell though. Unfortunately, my father doesn't approve of this relationship. I could care less, but I could've done without hearing an hour and a half of the same crap about how I can do better. Honestly, I'm very happy with Tonya. I can come and go as I please, hang out with anyone I want, and she doesn't get jealous unless another girl makes a move on me. That damn-near happened on day #2 when her brother's now-ex girlfriend was around. She was stupid enough to tell Tonya that she'd jump my bones if she could. Tonya threatened her life. Most of Tonya's family didn't approve of her other ex-boyfriends, but they almost immediately liked me. I didn't do much, but stand there and talk to them a bit. They got in a brawl with other family members a couple weeks ago. They came out of it without a scratch. I think the damage was one swollen eye (Tonya's), a swollen hand, and a broken hand. On the opposite side, they looked like they were part of a horror flick. Her brother looked at me after the fight and said, "now that you're family, if you ever need it, I got your back, bro." I think I'll get along with them just fine.

She's Still Trying

2013-06-26T18:06:00.001-05:00

Last night, 2CW had a special Monday night show. Kage and Sean Carr had a big match for the 2CW Tag Team Championships. After three months of chasing them, they finally got the win. The place erupted. I was with Swartz and our co-worker, Marty. Marty brought his 13 year old son and both of them had a blast. Marty noticed stuff at the show that I didn't even see. One of them was when Sean and Kage won the belts, someone in the crowd was so happy, that they were crying. I didn't see that, but Marty did. Now, we both work with Swartz and he would go nuts just for laughs at the warehouse. He's no different at a wrestling show. Marty and his boy were getting a kick out of him. I think Swartz has a bigger and louder mouth than I do. I never thought that would be possible. It was one of the best shows that I've been to. Before I went to that show, Helen and I were texting back and forth. I thought she needed a ride, so I headed over there after work. Turns out that she didn't need a ride and wanted to see me. She had other reasons for getting me to come out there. She has yet, another girl that she wants me to meet. Now, her track record hasn't been great for girls that she wanted me to meet and potentially date. Although, she never really hooked me up with Tina, she did think it was a good idea. It was far from it. However, I needed to make that mistake, because I was at the point where I was so desperate, I'd date just about anybody and Tina was proof of that. After three months of her and her parents' bullshit, I grew standards and had priorities as well as high expectations. I looked back at some of the girls that I had liked at one point only to realize none of them would've worked if I had actually officially dated any of them. Ashley Vincent, Denna, Kelcie, none of them would've worked. Ashley was too stuck up, Denna was untrustworthy, and Kelcie's a druggie who has slept with over thirty guys. Sure, Kelcie is a good friend of mine, but she's not exactly girlfriend material. Helen also thought it would've been good if I hooked up with this fat girl that was hanging out a lot at her sister's place. She wasn't behind that attempt, but again she thought it was a good idea. Helen IS responsible for attempting to hook me up with that Jamaica girl. The problem was Jamaica was plain, chubby, and worst of all, she was only 18 years old. I only date 23 and higher when it comes to the age situation. Reason being that most girls are mature and know what the hell they want by that age. Jamaica acted like all the other 18 year old girls that I've been around during my days at BCC. So, Helen's track record isn't good. But, she's still finding girls for me to meet. Obviously, I'd rather just be with her. But, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. Helen still feels bad for what happened with Tina and me even though it wasn't her fault. It wasn't Derrick Carvin's fault, it wasn't his wife's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. Tina brought on everything herself and SHE'S the reason why we're not together. Still, Helen feels bad and she cares a great deal about me. She doesn't want me to be alone. So, she keeps coming up with girls to meet until there's one that clicks. The sad truth is that most guys like me usually end up alone. Guys like me get played, used, walked on, stabbed in the back, and taken advantage of all the time. So, we stick with our close friends that we can trust and fly solo. I explained this to Helen, but she insists. I did agree to meet her friend on Friday. She refused to show me a picture, because she'll think I'll get all dressed up and nervous. I laughed at that one. I don't get nervous when it comes to meeting new girls. I know how to treat them, so there's nothing to be nervous about. Either things will spark and go like she plans, or things will just stay the same. I'm fine with it either way. While I was there, Tina was also there with her new boyfriend. I didn't bother warning him. He'll figure it out the hard way just like I did. Helen also had two of her friends there as well. They're a couple that just recently started dating. I'm not sure how much Helen had to do with that one. She might not of had anything to do with it at all. Their names are Craig and Tonya. Craig has this alpha-male personality that I usually wouldn't agree with, but I don't know him all that well yet and he's a friend of Helen's. I doubt she'd let him hang around if he was an asshole, then again she did marry Pat. Tonya couldn't take her eyes off me. I didn't think anything of it. Denna did the exact same thing back at BCC in 2008. So, I should've known there was a reason for it. Helen texted me yesterday that Tonya thinks I'm very good looking. I'm not sure why Helen's telling me this. She has this girl for me to meet on Friday and Tonya's with Craig. Unless there's more to the story than she's telling. When she tried hooking me up with Jamaica, all I had was a time. I didn't have a name, day, or place. This time, I have a day and place. I guess the time doesn't matter. Once I get out of work, I come home, clean up and head over there. Hopefully, this time it will be different than the last time Helen was around when I was meeting a girl that she thought would be a good match for me.

Bigger Than Superman

2013-06-23T21:59:00.003-05:00

It's been another interesting week. I helped my dad out on Saturday and Sunday. Since it was Father's Day on Sunday, I hung out a little longer than I usually do. Afterwards, I went to Great Bend to Helen's work and surprised her. She was beamning when she turned around and saw me. I finally told her what I've wanted to say, since last year. "You're actually twenty times better than you think you are," was what she told me in response. It's no wonder why I'm so damn attracted to her. I talked with her for a good hour and a half before leaving to go home. This week was interesting. With Cliff Ruby back, it's almost like these guys don't need me. But, they'll never make me feel that way. They find things for me to do at work. Dave assured me that I was going to be on 1st shift regardless of what happened. I'm glad that I have my life again. Just because things are going well with me, doesn't mean that they're going well for everyone else. As much as I care about Robin, there are times that she can be immature and ridiculous. Tuesday was one of those days. Her twenty-two year old boyfriend went to a funeral, came back, and didn't want to be in a relationship with her. Robin 's personality is pretty extreme. So extreme, that the only person she has to vent on is... me. Everyone else just up and left. She wanted me to help her make him want to stay with her. I told her hundreds of times that you can't control how people feel. She didn't want to hear it. I held back a lot of what I wanted to tell her. Although, I did spit out a couple thoughts that I thought she should hear. She kept calling him her "soul-mate". I wanted so badly to say, "look, he ain't your damn soul-mate if he doesn't wanna be in a relationship with you". But, I didn't. I just rolled my eyes, but she didn't notice. Robin is very controlling. Sometimes, too damn controlling. There's not too many people that will put up with that. I know ways around it, so it doesn't bother me too much. I haven't heard anything from her lately, so I'm guessing that they worked things out. It is what it is and to be honest, I could care less either way. From my past experiences, most people don't really start to "grow up" until around the age of twenty five and higher. On Friday, I went to see the new Superman movie, Man of Steel. There's a bit of controversy surrounding the ending. Superman has General Zod in a headlock, so Zod fires his laser eyes at the wall surrounding a family. To save the family, Superman snaps his neck, killing him. Apparently, a lot of hardcore Superman fans were upset because, "Superman doesn't kill." I've read a couple of articles that have some valid points to the argument. In Superman II, Superman has Zod's powers released from him and shoves him down the bottomless abyss in his Fortress of Solitude. No one had an issue with THAT ending. My guess is that the Man of Steel's killing of Zod was a tad bit more brutal and graphic, that it was the main issue why people didn't like it. To me, the ending made sense. Zod was out of control and wanted to kill all human life on the planet. Superman made a choice between his one rule and his promise to help the people of Earth whenever he can. I was fine with the ending. What kills me is that they were upset with his killing of Zod, but they were fine with the scene where he's watching a baseball game in the kitchen of his house and he's drinking a beer. They may argue it's a soda bottle, but I know my beer lables. Superman's drinking a Budweiser. What, it's ok for him to drink a beer, because he's an alien and aliens can't get drunk? Give me a freakin' break. Personally, I don't care what the hell he drinks. It's just that if you're gonna bitch that he's breaking his one rule, then you might as well look at his other flaws as well. Otherwise, just shut the hell up and move on. I remember when I saw the first trailer for that movie. It had Russell Crowe's voice in the background of the scenes. You didn't even know it was a Superman movie at first. Until you saw the Man of Steel title, then Superman's rocketing up to the sky. That's all I needed to see to wanna see that movie. Of course, they made more trailers as it got closer to the release date. Personally, there are certain movies that it helps to have more than one trailer for, but then there's some movies that only need one trailer and it can be very brief. This was one of them. I hate it when there's several trailers, because it seems like I've seen half the movie before even getting in the theater. In the trailer with Russell Crowe's voice in the background, he's telling Superman that the people of earth with look up to him. "They'll rise behind you, they will stumble... they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun. In time you'll help them accomplish wonders." It got me thinking that quite a few of my friends come to me for help. They look up to me, depend on me, they expect me to do the right thing by them. I'm no Superman and they know this.In fact, one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies, Angus has a scene where his grandfather says, "Superman's not brave. He's invincible... and you can't be brave if you're invincible." There are people that are strong in their own way and I have to agree are braver than Superman. At the same time to them, I am Superman. I'm the knight in shining armor riding up on a white horse. Kelcie, Robin, Helen, Steve Whipple and his girlfriend, Jeff Greeno, and Nic Marques are a few that come to mind. Although, I don't really talk to Nic anymore, I helped him a couple times. I've always tried to conduct myself with honor and dignity. I wanted to have an aura around me that everyone saw. Chris Benoit had this aura whenever I watched him in WWE. He commanded respect just by his mere presence and he got it. Anyone and everyone that saw him, knew he was an honorable man. They knew they could trust him. It's a shame that his memory is tarnished by the tragic incident that happened in 2007. I still don't believe that he could be capable of something like that. That's what I want. I want my actions be noticed and heard, so that where ever I go, everyone knows who I am and what I stand for. To Helen and a few others, I'm already looked at in that way by them. I can tell, because they'll light up. The whole room will be lit. There are times that I'll be walking in a store or down the street and I get a few glances as if they're wondering what I'm all about. It worked with Denna back in 2008. She found me mysterious and wanted to know more about me. She'd glance at me every day until finally getting the courage to wave at me. I don't know why Helen would continue to talk to me after telling me that she wasn't looking for a relationship, but I know that she's not regretting it. I remember coming back to BCC after I flunked out of Cortland. There were a lot of new faces. Some of them talked to my friends and they told them who I was. Some of them walked up and shook my hand, told me who they were. When Denna dated Cory Cook briefly, she told him that I was the one that had to accept him. How Superman does it, I'll never know. He has many more people looking up to him than I do. But, for those that do turn to me for whatever reason, I give them my word. I will never let them down.

It's Never Easy

2013-06-12T21:51:00.001-05:00

This week has so far been very demanding. The good news is that the guy I was filling in for, has come back. Although, he's not 100%, he's been a big help, this week. He's a little bit like me. Skinny, kind of goofy and squirrely, likes to do the job right the first time, and doesn't mind helping anyone out. Even though work's been grueling this week, I'm still liking the change. Last week, I bought WrestleMania 29. It's the first time that I bought a WWE PPV DVD that I've been to personally. I knew that it'd be a lot different watching it on my TV than it was when I was there in person, but I wasn't expecting the experience I got when I watched it again. Every memory from my trip hit me as I sat there watching it. I remember the cool breeze blowing gently from where I was sitting, I remember the warmth of the sun as it started to set during the second match, I remember the energy that emitted from the crowd during certain matches, and I remember the feeling it was to be there in general. That event got me through another tough time. Just like WrestleMania 17 did thirteen years ago. Some people like to knock pro wrestling, because it's scripted. They say it's all fake and not worth watching. It's much more than that to me. Some people turn to football, baseball, or some type of sport to get them through a hard time. They pull behind their favorite team hoping that they'll win the game or a Championship. Wrestling's no different for me. I've said it before. Wrestling has always been there. No matter what, I can always go to a show or watch RAW or throw in a DVD and it'll bring my morale up. It's no different than someone's favorite TV show, movie, or music. Everyone needs an outlet to get that negative energy out of their system. Last week, I also texted Helen, because it's been a while, since her and I talked. Before I get into that, I found out from Kelcie that Colleen, who gave me mono and dumped me for no apparent reason, is now dating her crush that she had even when she was with me. If she had just been honest, I'd probably still be friends with her. Hell, if she didn't give me a viral illness that sticks with you for the rest of your life, I'd probably would've still been her friend. I can't begin to explain how frustrated and angry I am that she got what she wanted and she's completely happy, while I got played and went through two months of isolation from everyone. Anyone that I've ever pursued, have always told me the same thing. "I don't want to hurt you. You're too valuable as a friend. If we broke up, I'm afraid we wouldn't be as close as we are!" It gets old after a while. I pursued Ashley Vincent (now Nolan) back in the day and I'm more or less a stranger to her. I got a little further with Denna than I did with her, but she was young and immature back then. I pursued Kelcie for three years before I came to my senses and realized it would never work out. Now, she's dating a guy that's straight-edge. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't do drugs. Kelcie does all three. I highly doubt it's going to work out. Everyone wondered why I stayed with Tina for so long, last year. Because I knew that it would be extremely difficult to get in another relationship. Still, I should've ended it sooner than I did. Probably after the first two weeks, I should've been gone. Thanks to Colleen, I can't go to the bars that my friends hang out at, because I know that upon seeing her, I'll verbally tear her apart and ruin everyone's good time. Swartz is constantly hanging out with her and her sister, who's been sleeping with Mike Sisson for a few weeks. I don't understand why my friends are so careless. They saw what happened to me. It could happen to them as well or worse. I've been hearing that Colleen and her sister have been using Swartz from my other co-workers at work. As much as I'd like to show up at the bar on a Friday night and put those tramps in their place, I don't want to ruin everyone else who's there just to have a good time. So, I'll just sit back and wait for Karma to come in and bring justice like it has several times in the past. So, what would make me happy and bring me at peace with everything? That's easy, it's being with Helen. The girl broke into the bedroom I was sleeping in, because I showed up at her school around lunch time to bring her to her sister's house and I looked exhausted as hell. She's one of the few people that I know truly cares about me. Unfortunately, she's with her asshole husband, who I'm pretty sure hasn't changed from the last time they were together and isn't treating her or their kids right. Still, I know she cares. Despite what she says, I know she was attracted to me when I was taking her to her school and she was afraid something bad would happen, b/c of her stupid husband. This is just guess work on my part, but I'm sure I'm right on this one. Anyways, Helen and I texted back and forth. Then, out of nowhere she texts me, "Thank you for being my friend. I'm so thankful to you, Jack. Just wanted to let you know." It caught me off guard, although she's always saying I'm her best friend, closest friend, brother, etc. When we used to flirt, she said something around the lines of, "Well, you are handsome, little bit street fighter look, little bit country, and a little bit of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Hard to resist sometimes!" I wasn't getting compliments like that at the time. She knows she means a lot to me, but I don't think she knows just how much. I have a feeling that there's a special place in her heart for me. She talks me up more than her brother-in-law does. Just thinking about her gets rid of any frustration I'll be having at the moment. I swore that I'd never settle for second best again and I'll honor that. However, if I can't be with her, I'm at least finding someone that's just as good as she is.

Relaxed, But Still Ranting

2013-06-06T21:35:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. Work's still going great. With the exception of that 19 year old worthless prick running into my pallets of load bars, I have nothing to complain about. The guy that I'm replacing is supposed to come back on Monday. He'll be on light duty for a while. My boss assured me that no matter what happens, I'm always going to be on 1st shift. Slowly, I'm getting my life back together. Tuesday, there was a memorial service for a person that my parents and I knew. Since, it was a Harpursville death, there were a lot of people from Harpursville that were there. Some that I haven't seen, since I graduated in 2004. My dad called for me to come over to the bar while I was talking to one of them. He introduced me to one of the indy wrestler's dads. Apparently, him and my dad were in the same Catholic school back in the day. So, I talked to him for a couple hours. He's trying to get my dad to come to the show on August 9th. I have a few mixed feelings about that. Dad will be entering MY world and I know he's not gonna like what he's gonna see. Mainly, me screaming like a lunatic. He's voiced many times that he finds that stupid, but I really don't care. It's a good time for me. Whether he's there or not, I'm still doing what I always do at shows. Speaking of shows, I went to the 2CW show on Saturday. My sinuses were acting up, but I still went and I still screamed. As a result, I had no voice the next day. Robin texts me that she needs my help as soon as possible. I asked what was wrong because I wasn't feeling that great. I had no voice, my sinuses were kicking my ass, and I didn't feel like going anywhere. She texts back that it's a matter between life or death. Again, I ask what's wrong. She texts back that her boyfriend of three years wants to break up with her. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??? THAT'S NOT A MATTER BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH!!! As much as I love Robin, she can be melodramatic at times. Without meaning to, she can exaggerate certain parts of a story. An example of this, is when Kara got in a car accident and was sent to the ER. Robin made it sound like she got disfigured in the accident and the doctors were trying to piece her face back together. Kara fractured the bridge of her nose and was a bit banged up, but she looked same as ever. When she talked to Kara's parents, she somehow made it sound like Kara was dying. As a result, Kara and Robin are no longer friends. Neither one of them is right on this issue, but that's irrelevant. Back to my story about her boyfriend wanting to break up with her. After calling Robin and asking for details, it sounds like this guy may be playing games. Can't prove it, but that's what it sounds like. After going to the memorial, I headed up to Robin's place. I asked what's going on and all I got was "It's personal, brah." So, either someone's in his head or he's going through a phase he's not familiar with. I know in the past that Robin's too controlling and he's not wrong on that. She can be very controlling and that's probably why most of her relationships don't last. She admits that she feels that she has to be dominant and look alpha 24/7. I've told her that's the most childish, immature thing I've ever heard and she just glared at me. So, I hung out with them for a half hour and went home. Apparently, that's all I had to do and things are slightly getting better. While I'm on this subject, I don't understand why these girls won't dump their loser boyfriends that just use them and/or make them feel like they're not good enough. These scumbags will go out and blatantly cheat on these girls, but they'll still be with them. I've been trying for almost a year now for Denna to dump her douche bag and she just won't. She said things like, "it's my fault he acts like that," "my heart just can't do it," "I gotta try harder." That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Denna's not the problem for once. When Denna and I fooled around, we were both young and immature. Apparently, I'm the only one of the two of us that grew up. When I tell Denna she needs to leave this guy, she clams up and stops talking. One of these days, I'm just gonna go full throttle and speak my mind whether she likes it or not. I know it's not easy to dump someone. I lied to myself for three months when I was with Tina. But, it got to a point that I was sick of being a door mat and being lied to. I wasn't happy, things weren't going to get better, and if I didn't dump her soon, there would've been four dead bodies with their blood on my hands. I was happy with Colleen until she did me dirty. Because of my past relationships, I'm extremely picky on who I date and very shallow as well, but I don't care. I'm not expecting to date a super model, but I don't want some plain looking dumpy girl waddling beside me or a walking, talking, stick for that matter. Speaking of which, Kelcie has started talking to me again. Apparently, she wasn't mad at me as much as she was scared of getting what I have. This is both a good and bad thing. Good thing, because I can always chill with her whenever I need to kill time. Bad thing, because there's gonna be times she's gonna want me to go out and I'll have to work the next morning. Then again, with her working, maybe she'll give me a break now that she knows what it's like. We've been off and on as friends so many times, I'm at the point where if she wants to talk to me, then good. If she doesn't, then that's good too. She's told me about some of her bad situations that she's been part of in the past couple weeks. The thing is she allows herself to be put in those situations. Hell, she almost asks for them. So, my sympathy is not that high. Hopefully, she'll wake up and straighten her life out one day. I hope I'm there to see it.

Ages 18 And Up

2013-05-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

it feels great to have a normal life again. As much as I liked working on 3rd shift, I'm happier that I'm on days again. Everyone's attitude is much better on 1st shift. Today, I was helping a couple of them unload some trailers when one of them said, "I can tell you like this shift better." I smiled and nodded before asking what gave it away. His answer was, "Because you fit in." That wasn't really too hard. I was so used to 3rd shift that random comments were just another day in the office. Everyone's been real cool. Joe Canfield's a good boss, but our boss, Dave Z is great. My first day on his shift, he called everyone in the office and told them to make sure I was comfortable on the shift. Unlike the guys on 3rd shift, they actually went out of their way to get to know me a bit. On top of that, they asked how I was liking my job, if I needed any help, etc. They've been real awesome. I can't complain too much. What I CAN complain about, is the fact that everyone's giving me too much credit for my kindness and good nature. I hate to inform them of this, but... I'm quite shallow. After some of the girls I've dated, it's no surprise. Now, Helen tried hooking me up with her 18 year old cousin. First of all, I don't date 18 year olds. Helen's not good at the whole match-making thing to begin with. She gave her cousin an age and me a time. That was it. It wasn't until AFTER I was supposed to meet her, that I got a name. I looked her up on Facebook. I failed to remember that a person's Facebook profile picture can lie. On her profile picture, she doesn't look 18 and she doesn't look chubby. So, I thought she was this tiny, adorable, blonde haired girl. Man, was I wrong. I took a look at some of her pictures the day before we were supposed to meet. She's a bit on the chubby side and she's plain looking. She's not my type. I still hung out with her though, but there was no spark. There was a spark with Helen. I don't know if she felt the same, but I definitely saw a spark. I was talking to one of my lady friends from BCC about this and she said that one of her co-workers is looking for a relationship and needs a date to her wedding. So, I looked HER up on Facebook and pretty-much fits the same description of Helen's cousin. She's very big and very plain looking. So, I'm looking very hard for a way to get out of it. So far, I'm going to try to get one of my lady friends to act like my "temporary girlfriend" for the wedding. This is one of the few times where being Kelcie's friend again would come as some use to me. Well, it'd sure as hell make things easier for me. If there's any need for even more proof why I'm so shallow and picky, I have the perfect story. One of my indy wrestler buddies is dating an 18 year old. He's somewhere around 38 years old. In my opinion, that's just dirty. So far, he's accusing other guys at trying to get with her. I think all they did was talk to her. It gets better than that. Keith Zimmer's best friend apparently tried to get with this girl. On top of that, there's a rumor going around that he's trying to hook up with a 14 year old as well. That would make him a pedophile. I'm not sure how true this rumor is, but I've heard if from more than one person. I can't remember if I ever mentioned Jeff Greeno a.k.a Anarchy on here before or not, but he does have a thing for stealing other people's girls. It almost got him in trouble a few years ago. Him and IB Green's wife were having an affair. Apparently, he thought that she would actually divorce her husband to be with him. There were a couple problems with that. For one thing, her daughter despised him. That alone was enough for the relationship to never work out. Eventually, everyone caught wind of that and Jeff went on an 8 month haitus from the indy scene. Apparently, when he returned, he tried stealing some of the students' girls and that has all recently bubbled to the surface. It reminds me of the situation between Denna and myself back in 2008. I was in the wrong. I know this now. I also know that I was naive to ever believe that her and I would ever get together back then. I was young and stupid back then. There was an indy show, last Friday. That was a lot of fun. One of the bad guy managers dumped his bottle of water on me. He knows me well, so he knew he could get away with it. Since I go to all the local shows around here, all the guys know me. Back in August 2011, there was an after-party of the show in Sidney. Everyone was invited. Wrestlers, fans, refs, workers, everyone. I was talking with the guys that were there hanging out. I was driving, so I was drinking coke. One of the wives came over and hugged me. "These guys love you. You make it fun for them," she said. It is true. I've even have other fans approach me and say that they enjoy watching me go nuts in the front row. After the show on Friday, I'm still drenched from the water, but I went up to the bad guy manager's wife and said, "I think your husband missed me." She laughed, hugged me, and said, "You were great! They all think the world of you!" I thanked her and said that I was glad it wasn't a Heinekin like last time. Someone took a picture of it. It came out pretty good. The manager came out and gave me a hug. We talked a bit, then I wished him a safe trip home. Those guys are class acts. They make sure everyone has a good time at their shows. It's just a shame that the next one of THEIR shows is in August. I always get a confidence boost after their shows. I think it's the atmosphere. I like ECPW's shows too as well as 2CW's shows. But, the feeling I get from Xcite shows is hard to explain. I'll be there in August. I'm really looking forward to it. It's always a pleasure.

Some Point Guns, Others Point Fingers. Neither Is Right.

2013-04-28T04:26:00.000-05:00

Why the hell is it that people decide to do something tragic on Fridays? If it's not on a Friday, they do it on Tuesday. I just don't understand it. 9/11 happened on a Tuesday. The Colorado Shooting happened on a Friday. This past Friday, Doug Gardner drove to Shirley Gardner's home and shot himself twice in her garage. He owed her a lot of money for Akraturn even though Akraturn is no more. He owed others a ton of money as well. He blamed Shirley for his financial troubles. After his father, Walt had passed away, his relationship with his step-mother took a nose-dive. The agreement between Doug and Walt were that if Walt should die before Doug paid off Akraturn, the payments would be made to Shirley. Well, Doug never paid her. Not only did he not pay her, but he didn't show her any respect at all. So, Shirley went after him with a lawyer. Doug had several failed businesses before he pulled the trigger to that gun on Friday. He tried owning and running a bar three times. All three were failures. He tried owning and running a few machine shops. Most of them went out of business. I hear that his latest one is on the verge of seeing the same fate. When it came to running a business, Doug was no Walt Gardner. The apple fell far from the tree. Walt was a successful businessman. Unfortunately, Doug never got that rub from his old man. Walt was tough, but fair. Doug was just an overbearing prick. When Doug, Dave, and Pam were old enough to become part of the business, Walt treated them like employees. If they screwed up, he'd chew them out just like he would any of his employees. But, he would do so in a professional manner. Doug would call his employees derogatory names and threaten their jobs if they made mistakes. He never did that with me, but that's because he's known me since I was eight and he didn't want my dad jumping on his ass. Not only that, but I never gave Doug a reason to have to get on me. Doug liked making the money, but he wasn't too big on spending it on the things that were necessary to keep the money flowing. Almost like having eyes bigger than your stomach when ordering from a menu at a restaurant. I didn't have any animosity towards Doug. I don't have any now, but I do think it was a low move on how he chose to end his life. Despite all of this information that I've shared, I don't have anything against the guy. Hell, he gave me job back in 2009 when I desperately needed one. He stuck up for me when his partner wanted to let me go. I did the best job I could to make sure that Doug never regretted his decision to keep me on his payroll. The last time I saw Doug alive, was back sometime last year. I went to the bowling alley that my dad was in to kill time before I had to work. Doug was sitting at his table. Doug greeted me with a smile and a handshake. "You want a drink? Your old man's buying!" he said. I said that I was working later. He asked how it was going over at Willow Run. I assured him that everything was going alright over there. He talked to my dad for a little bit, then headed out. Before he left I shook his head and said it was good seeing him. "You too, buddy!" he replied smiling. The Gardeners have always treated us like we were part of their family. Walt was like a second father to my dad, which made Doug seem like another brother. Dad didn't seem too broken up when he called me to tell me that Doug had shot himself. Mom was the first to tell me, then dad called me later on in the evening. Does this mean that dad's not affected by Doug's death? No, I'm sure dad was broken up about it. He did take Walt's death harder, but that was Walt. Dad also has this absolute hatred for suicide. My grandfather shot himself in the heart when I was nine. Again, it was over money. He had lost his job and felt that he was a failure. So, he went down to the apple tree on his property and shot himself. Dad told me that suicide was a final solution to a temporary problem. I agree with him on that. On top of all this. I got a phone call from an old co-worker. He was letting me know that Doug's wife's family blame my father for Doug's suicide. Their claim is that my dad left Doug high and dry when he took the job in Marathon at another machine shop. They say that my dad let Doug down. Doug did want my dad to come work for him again, but Doug never offered my dad a job. If he did, I'm sure that dad would have said no. My dad didn't approve of the way Doug ran a business. He did care about Doug, but he didn't like the way Doug handled certain things. Hell, everyone's like that in one way or another. I saw a comment left by someone on that side of the family that said, "js will pay for his ways". Exactly what is that supposed to mean? First of all, instead of being a coward and hiding behind a freakin' keyboard, why the hell doesn't this person just put "John Sullivan will pay for his ways?" Probably, because they're too much of a chicken shit to do so. I would love to respond to the comment, but I know that both my parents would disapprove of that. So, I'm not responding just yet. These scumbags can point a finger and blame my dad, blame Shirley, and whoever else they want that think had something to do with Doug's death. But, nobody is at fault. They'll just look like the ignorant cowards that they are. The only man to blame, is the man that pulled the trigger. Because of this tension, I will not be going to the calling hours or the funeral. I don't think my parents are either. Well, I know mom's not going. I don't know about dad. He could care less what these dipshits think of him, so he might go. I do know that Doug's wife and one of Doug's sons DO NOT blame dad for what happened. I'm sure his other sons don't hold a grudge against him either, but I haven't heard any solid proof on that. For the people that Doug left behind, I send my condolences and grieve for their loss. I hope they'll find peace somewhere in the near future.

I'll Never Forget Again

2013-04-14T02:10:00.001-05:00

Last weekend was a blast. Swartz and I hit up Jersey Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, we got pretty hammered. A little too hammered. Swartz ended up puking and I had a hangover the next morning. I thought that I'd get to meet more wrestlers than I did at the Fan Axxess event. Unfortunately, I only met four of them. Still, it was a lot of fun. At Wrestlemania, I was indeed up in the nosebleed section, but at least I was there. I even got a t-shirt that said I was. It was a lot better than last year's Wrestlemania, but I liked last year's too. The best part of the evening... seeing The Undertaker beat CM Punk. He's 21-0 and I couldn't be happier with that. That win helped me get out of my rut that I've been in. John Cena beat The Rock for the WWE Championship in the main event. I'll hand it to The Rock, he gave Cena the respect he deserved. Also, I got a position on 1st shift at Willow Run Foods doing pretty-much what I do now. However, one of the scumbags on 3rd shift tried to throw a wrench in that. This 19 year old retard has a hard enough time trying to make it on our shift let alone one on 1st. The boss has done his best to keep us away from each other. One day, his mouth will get his ass beat. It'll probably happen sooner than later. So, all is right in the world. Well, at least for now. I hung out with Helen and her sister, Judy yesterday. Her husband showed up later on and ended up hanging with me as the girls got their hair done. I'm glad I'm a guy. It takes maybe a half hour to cut my hair. For them, it took about three hours. Before we picked up Judy, I finally told Helen everything I've wanted. Well, at least the important stuff. There's a couple things that didn't hit me until later. I honestly don't know what it was about Helen that made me crazy about her when I first met her, but I know what kept me thinking about her. I just read all of our conversations on Facebook. There were things she said that I had totally forgotten about until I re-read them. Things like how she would playfully call me a pretty-boy. There was a really long conversation we had on there once, where I'd get notifications that said "Helen likes your photo." As we were talking, she was checking out my pictures and liking the ones that she thought I looked good in. During one of our conversations, she said I was a handsome pretty-boy with a mix of street fighter and a little bit of country. She playfully said that it was hard to resist. The reason I gave up and ended up dating Tina, was because I forgot about all of this. Still, I'll never forget the way she looked at me when I picked her and her son up to take them over to Judy's. I was supposed to take them to the ER, so her son could have his eye looked at, but she asked to stop at Judy's real quick. The entire time, she didn't take her eyes off me. She was smiling this smile... kind of like admiration and thankfulness. To this day, I think she was starting to become attracted to me. I think it scared her a bit. I can't blame her for that. Her husband screwed her up pretty good. Yesterday, she said that I'm one of her close friends and that was a huge accomplishment. She said that not too many people have been able to get close to her like I have. I bet it all goes back to that afternoon that I came and got her and her son. Even though we're just friends, she still looks at me a certain way that she doesn't to anyone else including her husband. There was another time that I had to take her to a drug test, so she could be employed at a job she applied to. Her son was with us. When we had to cross the street, she said "hand, Jay." Instead of taking her hand, he grabbed hold of mine. She joked about being sad that he didn't grab her hand, but she was smiling at me. She's told me that her son doesn't like too many guys that are around her, but for some reason, he liked me. I don't understand how I could've forgotten about all this, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Helen and I have a friendship that's unique for the two of us and that's better than nothing. I don't think her husband knows how fortunate he is. That girl's incredible and I have a suspicion that he doesn't even realize it. I look at him and I try to figure out how the hell he got so lucky. Maybe it's not meant to be understood. This past weekend got me back to being how I was. I'm not about to let that fade by thinking of what could've been. Now that my smile's back, I'm picking up where I left off. Starting with getting back to 1st shift.

Looking For The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

2013-03-30T20:04:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to keep this damn thing updated. I ended up going to a dealership with my parents on Saturday. Although my credit sucks, they worked with me on a lease for a 2013 Ford Focus. This helped me deal with the demise of the Suzuki. Monday, I went to see Helen. Her husband was there, which I figured he'd be since it was around 5:00 in the afternoon. Normally, when I see a girl I like with another guy, I usually wanna throw up. There's that twinge of pain that hits right in the middle of my heart. It was kind of scary on Monday... none of that happened when I saw them kiss. No twinge of jealousy, not heartache, nothing. I'm not sure if I have just learned to accept disappointment or if I'm just numb from all of the times I've been rejected. I'll never understand how dirtbags get these amazing women and manage to keep a hold of them. Sometimes, the girl comes to her senses and leaves, but the dirtbag gets them right back with them. I don't know how they do it. I'm almost starting to think I'm not trying hard enough. Regardless, any possibility of letting Helen know how much she means to me is out the window. The rest of the week went by without too many problems. For the most part, it was quiet. My trip to WrestleMania just got a bit more challenging. The U.S Department of Education has taken my tax return. That's $1300 that I was going to use to get caught up with everyone else that I owe money to. Here's the kicker. I have a payment plan with them. There's no reason for them to take my tax return money. I already tried calling them and was directed to a number that was "not available" at the time. I plan on trying again on Monday. If they refuse to return a good chunk of my tax return to me, I'll just close my account and choose a new bank. Illegal? Most likely, but I refuse to stay broke until I pay them the $13,000 I somehow owe them. Thanks to my mother and my grandmother, I'll still be going on my trip, this weekend. Hopefully, it'll snap me out of this slum I'm in. I'm starting to become more confident that The Undertaker will win. Someone at work threw out a few facts. He basically said why would he go 20-0 just to lose to someone like CM Punk. I agree it makes no sense. Also, I've been thinking that I should really get back into writing. More like starting to write is more like it. I have three passions. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, wrestling, and writing. Writing's been my passion since I was a kid. But, I always get writer's block and never put any of my good ideas on paper. I did a lot of little "stories" when I was a kid, but as I got older, I started doing less and less. I'm starting to question if writing really is my passion. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm my own critic and will accept nothing but the best. If something doesn't look right, I just stop and do it all over again. Sometimes, my mind races faster than I can put it down. I go too much into detail and explaining the scene. That's a huge mistake. I should just give enough information that's needed and let the reader use their imagination. That's why I wanted to be a writer in the first place. Another problem is that I have so many ideas, I don't know which one I want to focus on first. I may wanna go back to doing a few short stories to warm up. Then, work on an actual novel. I just know that I don't wanna self-publish. They'll never sell that way. That's what Robin did. Then again, she self-published and only told her friends and family. She expected us to spread the word. I did to an extent, but it takes more than just that. "I just want my books to take off," she'd say over and over again whenever we hung out. Well, then you gotta put the work in. You can't just sit there and expect to become a New York Times Best Selling Author overnight and then get pissed off when that doesn't happen. In order for me to realize my dream, I must first sit down and write until it's done. Then, I need to find an agent, possibly an editor as well. The agent does the advertising for me and even finds me a publisher. At that point, it's up to the public. Sure, I'll spread the word myself, but at the end of the day, the agent and publisher get the product out to the public. It's not easy. It takes a lot of dedication. I know that I have it. Now, I just gotta act on it. Maybe after my little vacation, I'll get back in it. Everybody talks about living the American dream, but not too many act on it.

Dark Days Have Arrived

2013-03-22T23:17:00.001-05:00

I remember when I used to update this thing weekly. It's crazy to see how much I've changed. I've evolved into something even greater than what I was back then. So, how come I don't feel that incredible? 2012 was an awesome year for me. There were a few times that sucked, but those happen. Although, Helen and I never got together, we have a special connection that allows us to be friends. Still, I wish things had worked out differently. She's amazing. When I was taking her to her GED classes, her sister woke me up at noon to go get her. I was extremely tired, but I went to pick her up. When I arrived, she saw how exhausted I was and told me she would walk to her sister's. It was a five minute walk, so I said ok and left. I would always look the door in the bedroom that her sister let me sleep in, so the kids wouldn't be opening it and waking me up. I almost drift off, when I hear someone trying to open the door. I knew I locked it, so I pay no attention. That is... until the door opens and there's Helen with a butter knife. She jimmied the lock to check on me. That's when I knew that she legitimately cared for me. She leaned down, we hugged and gave each other a peck on the cheek, then she shut the door. When I was with her, I discovered things about me that I never knew. She has two kids and although I wasn't really a father figure with them, her son took to me almost immediately. Not sure why, but seeing how I'm a big kid myself, that could be it. Helen had a particular look that she'd give me when I was around. Somewhere around the lines of admiration and graciousness. Personally, I think she was scared about getting into a relationship after her marriage with her husband ended up being a complete disaster. She didn't want me to be alone, so her and her brother-in-law, Derrick who I worked with, had me meet her other sister, Tina. Tina had four kids that were all out of control except for the infant, and wasn't exactly the cleanest or brightest girl. But, when you're desperate, you'll lie and overlook just about everything. Which is exactly what I did. I overlooked how disgusting her parents house was, how out of control the kids were, how terrible human beings her parents are, and how incredibly dirty and stupid she was. Why did I waste three months of my time with this girl? Because Helen would occasionally come over there and tell me how proud she was that I was stepping up for her sister and the kids. Eventually, I had enough and just straight-up dumped her. Helen and I were still cool, which is all that mattered to me anyways. I'd sometimes take her to college in Scranton. As honorable as that may seem, it was also pretty stupid too. My car was six months past it's inspection and was slowly falling apart. I remember Helen waiting for her class to start in my Buick and we saw a parking meter cop. She mentioned that they can also arrest someone breaking the law. I said, "well that makes me all fuzzy inside seeing how my car's six months past it's inspection." She slowly turned to me with this expression that said, "are you nuts?" However, her next words caught me off guard. She said, "You did all this for me?" It's no secret that I like her a lot. About as much as I liked Denna or Kelcie. She ended up putting college on hold and got a job close to her place. I finished the year off and my Buick finally kicked the bucket. Hitting the deer and having a brake line break on me didn't really help that much either. My dad worked out a deal with me and sold me mom's 2008 Suzuki XL7 for $9,000. About a week after getting the vehicle, I went out to hang with Mike Sisson and Kelcie along with our friend from work, Greg Swartz. I saw Kelcie talking to this girl in the corner of the bar we were at. I walked over to see how Kelcie was getting home. She introduced me to the girl and we got to talking. Instead of taking Kelcie home, I ended up taking this girl home instead. One thing led to another and we were making out in my bedroom the next night. I had a girlfriend that I thought wasn't a complete psycho. Still, the similarities between her and Helen are scary. The hair color, facial structure, the way they talk, even their toes look similar. Her name's Colleen McGrory and like Helen, she's close to her sister, has a boy and a girl, just like Helen does. Some of the guys I work with thought that this girl was just a substitute, because I couldn't get with Helen. No, that's not the case. It's just a weird coincidence. Unfortunately, my relationship with Colleen only lasted three weeks and I was sick for one of them. She was sick for one of them, so there was no huge attachment. However, the disappointment I felt was huge. I might of recovered and still be friends with her if it weren't for one huge factor. A few weeks went by after I was sick, but I never made a recovery and most of the symptoms stayed with me. A blood test confirmed that I had Mono, the kissing disease. Not only did this girl play games, but she gave me a viral illness that never truly goes away. What's worse is that she hangs out with Swartz every week. If he gets hurt and she's the reason, I made a promise that I would make her life a living hell. Ever since she dumped me, I haven't been myself. I lost all hope in everything. To make matters worse, before I knew I had Mono, Kelcie and I made out. I called her to give her a heads-up and she freaked out. She no longer talks to me. Mike Sisson over-heard me tell Kelcie that I'm tired of him always bugging me to come out and drink, so he no longer talks to me either. Here's the part that's disturbing. I could care less about both. If that wasn't enough, I wrecked my Suzuki on Monday during a snow storm. The car is totalled. Yet, I don't have a scratch on me even though it tipped over on my side. The hits just keep on coming. It's taken a huge toll on my personality. Like I said before, I haven't felt like myself. There's only two things that can snap me out of this mind-set I'm in. Unfortunately, neither one looks like it's about to happen anytime soon. The first one being winning Helen's affection. I don't feel like Jack Sullivan when I'm around Helen. I'm something much more. I'm a knight, a savior, a hero. That's what I feel when I'm around Helen. But, she's about to get back with her ex-husband and before that, she didn't want a relationship. At least not with me anyway. The other solution is that Undertaker has to win at WrestleMania, this year. Swartz and I have discussed it and we have tickets, this year. We're going to WrestleMania in New Jersey. Undertaker's facing a former WWE & World Heavyweight Champion by the name of CM Punk. Since wrestling's scripted, there's already rumors that CM Punk will be the one to end Undertaker's undefeated streak. Then again, there were a few others that were said to end the Deadman's streak and he dropped every single one of them on their heads. I remember back in 2007, watching Undertaker defeat Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship. Everyone said that Batista was chosen to retain the title. Undertaker beat him. I still remember the feeling I had when Undertaker beat him and went on to hold the title for a few months. All was right with the world. When he beat Edge in 2008, I felt the same way. Not only that, but that was also when Denna and I were sort of seeing each other too. Again, all was right with the world. Last year, Undertaker beat Triple H in a Hell in a Cell match. Helen and I just met. She had been texting me every day since that first day. She asked me How was WrestleMania, this year. She was a bit of a wrestling fan too. I texted her back saying it was awesome and Undertaker won. So, why do I think that the rumors may be true, this time? Because I've seen pictures of The Undertaker lately. He looks tired and after his last match at WrestleMania, he probably has one more left in him. That and CM Punk is the only one that can withstand the hatred from all of the fans around the world. However, there's still that small ray of hope that The Undertaker will come through for me. Mostly, because he always has before. I need him to win this match badly. I'm not sure what a loss will do to me. He's gotta win. In a couple weeks, I'm going to see Helen and pretty-much tell her what I have put down here. It won't matter as far as her and I becoming a couple, but I'll get the satisfaction of knowing that she knows how much she means to me.

Familiar Situation

2012-04-28T00:58:00.000-05:00

There's been so much going on, lately. April hasn't exactly been that great of a month. I did get to see WrestleMania, this year. I had to wait until Tuesday, but I saw it. Undertaker had another badass match with Triple H in a Hell in a Cell match and his record now stands 20-0. I was disappointed that John Cena didn't beat The Rock. Cena deserved the victory more than The Rock did. Cena's made movies (they sucked) but at least he never left the WWE to pursue an acting career. My main issue with The Rock is simply that he said the WWE was his home. He said he'd never leave the WWE. Then after WrestleMania 17, he leaves for a few months to be in The Mummy Returns. But, he came back. Then, after WrestleMania 18, he left to do a full length movie The Scorpion King, but he came back again. Then, he left again... and again... and again. Then, he just left... and never really came back. Before John Cena, they booed him whether he was good or bad. I was actually surprised that the fans didn't pull behind Cena in that match. Seemed to be 90% Rock, 10% Cena. I was part of the 10%. Then, Brock Lesnar returns the next night. He suffers 3 losses in the UFC and quits. I just shook my head. Then again, the fans didn't really like him much anyways and vica versa. Here's the funny part though. I respect Brock a hell of a lot more than I do The Rock. Brock never said that the WWE was his home and he'd never leave. After going to the last ECPW show, I noticed that one of my favorite wrestlers is using a WWE replica title for his Championship. I found out that there's no intentions of making a legit title for him anytime soon. So, I talked it over with my friends and we decided to change that. I made him a custom made belt that I had planned on presenting him on May 4th. Their next show. However, the belt is still not here and there's no sign of it coming here anytime, next week. The only plus side to this is that we can present it to him in his hometown of Sidney, NY. Now onto the main focus. Thanks to a co-worker, I met this girl. She happens to be his sister-in-law. This is the story that he told me. She was at his place and just randomly asks if he knows any single guys. He immediately thought of me. At first, I was hesitant. I know her ex-husband. He returned to Willow Run the day that I first started. I heard the story about what happened. The problem is that I only heard one side of it. Reluctantly, I agreed to meet her. There was no way of preparing for what happened. I took a liking to her. We went for a walk to one of her favorite spots in PA. It was a fun night. I returned to PA the next Friday. I brought her flowers, thinking that'd help my chances. It sort of did, but she said that she wasn't what I was looking for. Normally, I probably would've just moved on, but there was one problem. I couldn't get her off my mind. I was a miserable prick for the next week. It was so bad, I damn-near got involved in the Indy Pro Wrestling business. One of them offered to bring me to a show in Watertown instead. So, I took that offer. That was a badass show. That helped me get through the next week. Then, her and I started talking on a social network. Last Sunday, her son had a cut near his eye and had no way of getting him to a Dr. I asked if she wanted me to come and get them. She said yes, so I went and got them. Her car's out of commission and she needed a ride to classes in order for her to get her GED. I offered to take her. I've been doing that all week. Her kids, nieces, and nephews have all taken a liking to me. She look's at me the same way Denna did. We're also doing the same things that Denna and I used to do. This whole situation seems very familiar. My history with Denna has been documented. Half of 2008's entries are about Denna. Luckily I got over her real quick. It's been a long time since any girl's been on my mind as much as this one. The last girl that was on my mind like this was Denna. She always rushing me out the door when her ex-husband's on his way to visit the kids. She says it's so there's no issues between him and me. A couple red flags have already been raised. I don't want to go through another situation like the one I did with Denna. But, I also don't want this feeling to go away. It's the same feeling I had when I was with Denna. In fact, I forgot what that feeling was until this week. I feel like I've been here before. I'm not sure what my next move should be. All I know is I'm still being me. I'm being straight-up with her. Where it goes from here, I'll have to wait and find out.

A Special Someone.

2012-03-04T15:54:00.003-06:00

I'm always surprised with how much difference a year can make. One of my greatest flaws is that I dwell on the past way too much. I can't get over how much has changed over the years. Then again, some things have stayed the same. One of my old co-workers from the shop disappeared for a few months. I thougth he was gone for good. Then, out of the blue when I needed someone to be my designated driver, he texted me. He agreed to be my designated driver and met us in Binghamton. I don't know why Binghamton celebrates St. Patrick's Day so early, but whatever. It was Kelcie, myself, and Nic who was the DD. Nic's hung out with Kelcie and me before. He knows (as does everyone else) how I feel about Kelcie. I think the guy's legitimately concerned about me. I think he's afraid that she'll push me off the edge. I honestly don't know what it is about, her, but she has me under some kind of spell. It's not the first time. There have been other girls that have had me under their spell. But I've broken free. With Kelcie, it's a lot harder. I know she and I will never be together, but I still cling on to that little bit of hope that's not there. Deep down, I think Kelcie does truly care about me. Her and I have a lot in common. We're both only children, we both love getting attention, and we're used to getting our way. Her and I have been through a lot. Both together and on our own. Her and I have had our disagreements. I don't know why, but no matter how bad it looks, she'll call me up after she's cooled down. There have been close friends that she's cut out of her life. She usually doesn't give second chances let alone several like I've been given. I just don't understand it. All my friends and even some of my family says that all she does is use me, but the problem with that theory is... she doesn't ask me for anything. Other than to pick her up. She doesn't ask me to pay for dinner, give her a massage, buy her things she wants. That's on me, not her. I'd do it for any girl that's with me. Hell, when I'd hang out with Denna, I'd pay for lunch or whatever it was. It's just that I'm usually always hanging out with Kelcie, so she reaps the benefits. Nic's trying to fix me up with one of his friends. I'm all for it, because at the end of the day, he's right. I'm not gonna find anyone by always hanging out with Kelcie. I love Kelcie and I'm glad we're friends, but I can't wait forever. I gotta take care of me. Of course, as I say that, I'm trying to convince myself of that more than anybody else. Kelcie and I will always be friends, but I'm wondering if she can cope with not having my full attention when I finally do find someone. I'll still hang out with her, but we won't be alone. And I won't be able to cover the bill. I just hope she'll be mature enough to handle that. If not, then bye bye, blackbird.

A Difference A Year Can Make.

2011-11-01T04:54:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a long time, since I updated this thing. I've been too busy to sit down and write up an update of everything that's going on. I can't believe I didn't mention it last year, but Kelcie ended up getting pregnant with Jon's baby. She had a baby girl. Jon hasn't changed at all. In fact, he's getting worse. She's had him arrested several times. The funny part is that he's trying to get custody of their daughter. He doesn't stand a chance. I finally made it out of the shop. I work in Kirkwood now at Willow Run Foods. At first, I was working a 2nd shift position. Mike Sisson told me about it, I filled out an application, had a job interview, and next thing I know, I have a new job. Well, 2nd shift didn't work out too well. So, they put me on a 3rd shift position. For the most part, I hate it. My co-workers don't really show me respect, the hours suck, and the job itself isn't any better. I'm a freakin' warehouse cleaner. Worst part is that my area is the freezer. A negative ten degrees. What's keeping me there is the fact that the benefits are amazing. Not to mention they have a 401K program and unlike the shop, this place actually shows their appreciation for their employees. I still go to a lot of indy wrestling shows. Keith Zimmer and some of the ECPW wrestlers broke away from Gino and tried to do their own thing. At first, everything was going good. Then, the promoter fired Keith and started went on a huge power trip. Keith went back to work for Gino and so far,they're crushing their competition. Over the past couple years, I got to know most of these guys personally. When I started going to these shows, I didn't think that I'd get a backstage pass into these guys' lives. I'm not complaining. Quite the opposite actually. I love the guys. Usually, it's very rare for a fan to be seen hanging out with pro wrestlers OUTSIDE of the ring. In my case, I'm an exception. Hell, they invite me to chill with them nine times out of ten. I occassionally go to Candor. Since Seth no longer lives there, it makes it a little bit easier to go there. It still acts like a haven for when things get intense. I went there the weekend before Halloween. Friday, it was drinking with Aaron and Marcy. It's been a while, since I've gotten hammered. Ever since I got my license, I don't drink as much as I used to, mainly because I have to drive home. Danny lives in Johnson City with his new girlfriend, so I can't really crash there. I could go to Mike's, but him and I work odd hours and our days off differ, so that's out. Candor/Owego's the only place I can really drink and have a place to stay. I usually end up being a designated driver for Kelcie. It's hard to believe that her and I have been friends for three years already. Again, that's another thing I didn't expect to happen. I didn't think that I'd become close with Kelcie when I first met her. Then again, I was all about Denna when I met her. I thought Denna was gonna be my girlfriend. Kelcie warned me about the games she plays, but it was too late. A year later, all that stuff went down between Kelcie and Marshal. That poor girl hasn't had it easy. The past couple years have been rough for her. People have either tried to kick her when she's down or they've stabbed her in the back. Everyone but me. Even when her and I weren't on the best of terms earlier this year, I didn't say a bad word about her. I just "washed my hands" or everything. I should've known that wouldn't last. A month went by and she ended up calling me. Not only was everything forgiven and forgotten, but things have been better than they ever were. As far as work goes, I'm starting to slowly earn the respect of my co-workers. At the shop, I pretty-much had it, but that was due to the fact that my dad worked there as well. Also, the shop had guys in their 30's and 50's working there. They were grown ass men. Most of the guys that work at Willow Run are in their early and mid 20's. The maturity level plays a huge factor. I'll be the first to admit I'm not the most mature person for being 26. But, I know when to back off. The boss is a bigger bully than Doug Gardner. Then again, Doug knew me, so he didn't really bully me. Things are better than 2009 and part of 2010, but there's always room for improvement. I'm looking for another shift at Willow. I plan on sticking around, but if things get worse, something's gotta give. Either I leave Willow Run and go somewhere else or I find a better fit in Willow Run.

Hell on Earth

2010-05-27T20:36:00.006-05:00

In the beginning of May, one of my bosses wanted to get rid of me. His claim was that my work ethnic wasn't up to par. The real reason: he doesn't like my dad and the feeling's mutual. However, three people stuck up for me, so I could still have a job. My supervisor, the salesman, and Doug Gardner. Oh yeah, dad exploding on them, probably had something to do with it too. Just like the other months, this one wasn't any different. I hung out with Kelcie a few times, but it just feels like things aren't like they were. Jon's back in the picture and I'm none too happy about that. I'm just waiting for him to scew up again. Last Wednesday, I went over to Kelcie's to hang out. Well, he was there in the kitchen. I glared at him and went into the living room. I wanted to beat the holy hell out of him for what he did to Kelcie earlier, this year. Unfortunately, if I harm him, I jeopardize my friendship with Kelcie. I got in a huge argument with Robin about it. Things have cooled down with us a little, but there's still that tension whenever we talk now. Robin's another one that's driving me nuts. She's been acting ridiculous all year. She has cancer, but doesn't wanna have it treated. She claims she's being forced to get the surgery. "I'll never find love. I'll never find happiness," she's been whining for about a month and a half now. During the argument, I finally snapped and said, "well, with that attitude, you're never gonna find it. You're not doing a damn thing to find it." She flipped out, I flipped out back. It also doesn't help that she's not a big fan of Kelcie's. She was at first, but ever since Kelcie turned me down when I asked her out, Robin's been pretty cold towards her. I'm handling the situation like this: if they call me, I'll answer and talk to them. But, I'm through calling both of them. Kelcie and I will make plans for a certain day, then I'll call her only to find out she's busy or in the middle of something. Basically, translating to "I'm arguing with Jon, can't talk right now." So, I'm not calling her anymore. She'll call me if she needs me. Also, Danny's not doing that good either. Jay accused him of cheating on her with Robin. Um...HELL NO! Those two would clash if they ever got in a relationship. As friends, they're fine. But, if they tried to take it any further, it would end in disaster. Things were so bad on Thursday, I drove to Unadilla to Mike's place. Something stands out in my mind from last Thursday. When I got to Mike's, he was standing outside his door. Almost like he was expecting me to show up. When I got out of my car, he grinned and said, "holy shit, look who it is!" I walked over to him, not returning the smile. "I'm not happy," I said weakly. He asked what was up and I told him about my argument with Robin and the stuff going on with Kelcie. Mike calmed me down and I ended up spending a lot of my weekend over there. Danny's son's birthday was Saturday. Robin and I were still rocky, so I kept my distance. I got Danny's kid an Undertaker action figure. Until he got the bike from his grandparents, it was his favorite gift. He didn't let go of it UNTIL the bike came. I'm trying to get a new job, but with Colleges letting out, all those kids are gonna be snagging them. It's been a bit rough. I have Kelcie telling me one minute that she wants to get an apartment with me, then the next minute, she changes her mind. Now, she wants to get an apartment with me again, BUT she wants me to wait until she gets a job. I have no objection to living with her, but I can't wait forever. The rest of the month has consisted of me going to graduation, birthday, or welcome home from the air force parties. Sometimes, I've gone to two parties on the same day. This season of the Ultimate Fighter is boring. Now, Tito Ortiz is hurt and won't be able to face Chuck Lidell at the end of the season. Everything seems to be going to hell. It's all one big rollercoaster ride. Everything's going at break-neck speed up, down, forwards, backwards, twists, turns, spiraling, it never ends. I should be used to it by now. Right now, my game plan is to avoid everything that's bugging me and focus on becoming better than I am. I'm also looking for a good time while I'm at it. Hell, a party doesn't sound too bad right now. The parties at Danny's were epic back in the day. Those days are gone though. But, a couple years ago, those were some of the best times of my life. Everything was going great. Then, it just all went to hell. All good things come to an end. I know I say this at the end of every entry, but I hope that next month is better than this month. Somehow, I doubt it.

Could Be Better

2010-04-29T19:26:00.003-05:00

April wasn't exactly the greatest month. Towards the end of March, Undertaker retired Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 26. Things at Akraturn are the same as ever. I took Kelcie out on a date. This one differed from the others that I've taken her on. For one thing, I drove and picked her up like I should've done on the others. I paid for everything like I always have just like the others. The big difference is that I asked her out. Unfortunately, there were a lot of things out of my control. Kelcie and I aren't ever gonna date. That's unfortunate, because I know that no one could ever treat her as good as I can. I hung out with her on Thursday. Also, Cody Marshal called me, last week. Him and I had words about Kelcie. He wanted to get back with her and I wasn't allowing it. He's going to leave her alone. I've been spending a lot of time with Robin. She's driving me insane. Her biggest complaint is that she's all alone. There's no boyfriend in her life, no one to love her, and she wants both of those right now. Because I care about Kelcie the way that I do, she won't date me, which is both good and bad for me. Still, she wants to just give up on everything. That's not the way things to go about things. I've been single for years. I've been led on three times. Yet, I keep searching. I'm not giving up. Kelcie was as close as I've gotten so far. It's a shame that nothing further's gonna happen between us. We're still best friends though. It won't be like what happened with me and Ashley. Danny's birthday party was last week. That's part of why I had to deal with Marshal. He was there. I had to act civil, because it was Danny's birthday party. On the plus side, Sam was there. I had to pick her up, but she was there. She's a lot of fun. I wish she were around more often. Danny's birthday party was alright, but his last two were better. Things were a lot better a couple years ago. Hell, things were better TEN years ago. Growing up in the 90's wasn't really that bad at all. Danny, Robin, and I reminisced about all the things we missed from the 90's. TV shows, video games, movies, styles, places we used to go, I'd go back and do it all over again. Things aren't 100% bad here. Hell, I'm having more fun now, than I did in the past four years. I still have goals that I want to reach. Now that this Kelcie thing isn't going any further, I'm gonna get out there and look for that certain person that's out there for me. I'll still hang out with Kelcie, but that's all I'm going to do. When I went to an ECPW show last Saturday, there was this 32 year old woman that used to go to the shows. She was at this one. She's married to one of the wrestlers, but that's not gonna last. That's what she told me. I think she was a little interested in me until she found out I was 24 years old. Still, she's freakin' hot. She'd come over to where I was sitting a few times to scream at the bad guys with me. My friends and I bought her husband's shirt that she designed. When he came out, we were full-fledged "Suicide" fans. This weekend, 2CW's coming to Binghamton again. My boys and I are going, but I still like ECPW better. Keith's now playing a bad guy role. He's loving it. Not to mention he's damn good at it. I've debated about getting into the wrestling business, but I'm still on the ropes about it. I'd rather be a writer. I should really focus more on that. Maybe next week, I'll get back to what I started to write a few months ago. Hopefully, May will be better than April. Lastly, UFC started back up. Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz are the coaches. So far, Team Lidell's ahead 4-1. There's still plenty of time though. I'm sure Tito will come back. When they fight after the show is over, I'm not sure who I'm gonna be rooting for. I like them both. Best of luck to both of them.

Remembering Walt Gardner

2010-03-22T17:58:00.002-05:00

On the 14th of March, Walt passed away. I was hanging out with Danny when dad called me. The calling hours were last Friday and the funeral was on Saturday. One of Walt's grandchildren approached me at the calling hours. Her name's Vanessa, but I forget what her last name is now. She hugged me and asked softly, "How's your dad holding up?" I told her that he wasn't doing good. Walt was like a second father to my dad. Dad was so close to Walt, that at the calling hours, he was part of the line that greeted the mourners as they walked in to pay their final respects. At the funeral, they saved a seat up front for my dad. After the funeral, Shirley handed my dad the box that contained Walt's ashes. We believe she handed them to dad, because he was the only one she trusted with them. When the flag was raised back at Akraturn, dad was part of that as well. Shirley said that my dad was like her adopted son and I'm sure she knew how bad he felt that Walt was gone. I'm going to miss Walt too. He did a lot for our family. He made it to my graduation party when I graduated high school. He gave me a job one summer when I was saving up to pay for another semester at college. He did a lot of things that most bosses wouldn't do for their employees. Then again, Walt didn't see us as employees. He saw us like family. At the after-party, Vanessa went over to my dad and said, "thanks for the shrimp, Uncle John." I was a little taken back. Even Walt's grandchildren thought of us like family. Pam, Vanessa's mom, came over to visit at our table. I asked her something and she said, "you'll have to ask your Uncle Doug that one." Yeah... uh... I like Pam and David, but Doug... he's just my boss. Me calling him an Uncle would be pushing it for me. His sons are alright, but Doug... he can be a prick. I do feel sorry for him, though. It can't be easy losing your father. I know that I don't know what I'm going to do when that time comes. I felt really bad for Vanessa and Chris. I know how hard it is to lose a grandfather. That was the worst week of my life. I feel bad for the entire Gardner family. I hope their pain will eventually fade from this tragedy.

Not Getting Any Better

2010-03-09T19:25:00.003-06:00

February wasn't really a great month. So far, March has been brutal. My favorite boss is dying. The last time I saw him, was in December. We met him at the Elk's Club for a few drinks. Walt Gardner's a great man. He's helped get us out of a few tough situations. When I needed a job in the summer, he gave me one at the machine shop. My dad's taking it extremely hard, which I knew would happen. What happened, was Walt and his wife Shirley went on vacation to Daytona, Florida. They go every year. Well, when they got there, Walt showed signs of having congestive heart failure, which is what my grandfather had and eventually took his life. He had an operation, but it didn't help as much as everyone thought it would. Then, he started to get progressively worse. We found out last week, that he has cancer. First, it was in his neck. However, last Friday we found out that it's brain cancer. I wish I could thank him for everything that he's done for us, but I know my dad won't want me to see him in the state that he's in. The only thing I can do, is pray that he doesn't suffer too much. Also, I found out over the weekend, that Kelcie's boyfriend tried to strangle her to death. Now, he's not known to show forces of violence, but Kelcie wouldn't lie or exaggerate about this. Also, I saw the marks. No one knows why he acted the way he did. He claims to not remember anything and since they had been drinking the night it happened, it could be true. Regardless of that, Kelcie has an order of protection against him and he's looking at some jailtime. I heard he's trying to committ suicide. Normally, I'd try to stop someone doing that, but after hearing the story Kelcie told me, I won't lose too much sleep if he succeeds. I'm probably gonna sound like one of those people that claims "I never really cared for this person that much," but truth be told... Jon could urk me at times. I remember when some of my friends that know Kelcie would ask me what her "new" boyfriend was like. I'd reply, "he's an alright guy, but he's not me." What that pretty-much means, is that I never really cared much for ANY of Kelcie's boyfriends. I was able to tolerate Cody until he turned into a manipulative, egotistical, spineless, cocksucker. After Cody, I really didn't care the others. Most of them I never did meet, but they didn't last long anyways. Even though Mike Sisson's my boy, I was real uneasy about him trying to get with Kelcie, because I know how he gets if a girl starts to iritate him. I wasn't about to let that happen to Kelcie. The paramedic was a douchebag. Never got to meet him... didn't really wanna meet him. This Tom guy that she brought to my birthday party was just a pretty-boy. Other than that, he had nothing. Kelcie and I have grown real close in the year and a half that we've known each other. I don't know how she'd feel if I had a girlfriend. I'm almost curious to see what her reaction would be like. Would it be one of jealousy, would she be happy for me, or would she have mixed feelings? This past weekend, Kelcie called me to see if I wanted to drive up to Cortland. I said sure, so I picked her up at her friend's place (got lost getting there), took her home to get directions and her things, then we got lost again on the way up there, but we eventually made it. We stayed in Julie's little college apartment. On the way home, Kelcie was a bit buzzed from the beer she was drinking before we left. I was driving, so I was sober. She saw this picture that Denna put up of me and Bridgette from New Year's Eve. Kelcie was a bit upset by the picture, so she was explaining how she felt. She kept saying, "I care about you, Jack. Denna and Bridgette don't care about you, but I do," and she said if I started hanging out with Bridgette, she'd have no choice but to cut me out of her life. She said that it would hurt her to do it and she didn't want to, but she would if she had to. I assured her that there was no way I would ever hang out with Bridgette. Kelcie's my number one girl. I'll choose her first over anybody. I know I've said this before, but Kelcie should've been the one that I went after back in 2008. I bet anything that if her and I were to have dated in 2008, things would be different for both of us. I'd probably have graduated from BCC and I'd probably be doing well in Cortland. She'd probably be with me in Cortland. Both of us would be happy. But, I went down a harder path. Poor Kelcie hasn't really done anything to anybody, but all of these people have gone out of their way to make her life miserable. I don't agree with that. After seeing what this girl has gone through in this year and a half that I've known her, I only have one thing to say. For the next person that tries to make life difficult for her, they're gonna have to go through me. That goes for anybody and everybody. If you mess with her, you mess with me. If you mess with me, you mess with an army of people that have my back at all times. So, the next person that targets her, will have to get past me and that ain't happening.

The Good Times Now And The Good Times Then.

2010-02-28T18:34:00.005-06:00

This month's had it's ups and downs. The places that I owe money to, have been hounding me almost every day. I had to pay $779.58 on the brakes and brake lines to my car. The weather hasn't been that great, so I only got to drive it twice. Last weekend, I went to the 2CW show. Cory, his girlfriend, and Ryan went with me. That was a blast. Ryan and I were screaming at all the bad guys. One of them spit his gum out at me. I started chanting ECPW when the promoter (also a wrestler) came out. He acknowledged me, so hopefully there's a full house on March 12th when they come back. Still, there really are some dumbass fans in Binghamton. Two guys threw their beer at two different wrestlers. Honestly, how stupid or drunk were these guys? When I was cursing out the wrestler that spit out his gum at me, the guy that makes sure the fans don't get hurt, said to us, "I know you guys won't jump the barricade." That's because we know it's just a damn show. If I were to have seen that wrestler after the show, I'd have shook his hand and thanked him for entertaining me. Then, on that Sunday, Kelcie called me. She asked if I wanted to hang out and go to the mall. So, I got ready and drove over to get her. I still need to get used to driving. I was too damn nervous. I calmed down after a while and I did alright. Kelcie and I were supposed to go to this bar on Friday, but we got a huge snow storm that lasted two days. So, I didn't go. A couple weeks ago, my dad, Mike Mcgreal who works with us, and I went to this bar called the Hitchin' Post. That's where the luncheon was held after my grandfather's funeral. It was a fun time, but at one point, Mike went to talk to someone. This short dude pushed him out the door and wanted to fight him. Mom and I saw what was going on. She told my dad to get out there and stop it. I followed him out. As soon as we got out there, everyone backed off. We went back inside and enjoyed the rest of the night. At one point, an old neighbor of ours came. Her husband used to work at Akraturn for a few months back when it was in Kirkwood. That was back in 2007. She talked to my mom and dad at one side of the bar. I was just hanging out with my cousins and Mike on the other end. Mike asked me "who's the blonde talking with your mom?" I looked over. "Noooo! That can't be her!" I said out loud. I haven't seen her, since her and her husband moved out of Harpursville. I didn't think it was her, so I went back to talking with Mike. Well, she came over to where I was and gave me a huge hug. We talked for a little bit, then I introduced her to Mike. They say hello, then she says in front of him and my mom, "if I weren't married, this would be my guy." referring to me. That was an ego-booster. Things at Akraturn continue to get progressively worse. Now, my dad's on mandatory overtime. I'm not on it, because I'm in the assembly department. I saw that BCC Maintenance has a full-time spot open. I'm definitely putting my resume in for that. I need to get the hell out of there. This week, Kara's been putting up pictures from 2008 of all of us. Those days are long gone, but I think I know what she's getting at. She misses the old gang. I hang out with several circles of friends. In that particular circle, it was Abby, Kara, Robin, Johnny, me, a couple others. Now, Kara and Abby don't talk to Robin. Johnny broke up with Robin and apparently likes men now. I'm still around, but I'm just sort of doing my own thing. Even Da Boys and I don't hang out like we used to. Mike Sisson, Dan and Chris Reynolds, Dilly, Steve Clark, and me. We used to be a band of brothers. Then, Bridgette Taylor entered the picture and now I hardly see them. Sisson disappeared for a little bit, came back, and now he's just sort of idle. Then, there was Cody Marshal, Danny, and all them. It's no secret about what happened there. It's down to just Danny and me. Cody pissed a lot of people off including me and he only hangs out with a select few people. Although, I belonged to all of those circles, (not so much Cody's anymore), I'm sort of just sticking with my own circle. It's just me, Danny, and Kelcie. That seems to be my crew, now. Then, there was my Owego crew. Seth and his family. I don't miss Seth as much as I miss Aaron, Marcy, and all them. Seth just never progressed like he should have. I don't miss Cody at all. Denna told me that he misses all of us, though. Well, too damn bad. He made his choice when he did all that crap to Kelcie. As for Abby, Kara, and all them, I wish things were still good between everybody. It'd make things a lot easier on me. Talking to Robin anymore is just depressing. Kelcie's finally happy. She finally moved on. It's good to see her smile and know that it's for real. It's not just a fake one that she threw on, because she was thinking of that asshole. I'm starting to evolve like I should've years ago. I still want more and I still want better. I'll get to where I wanna be. I'm predicting within a year, I'll be totally happy with everything. I'm almost there. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing and I'll be alright.

My Favorite Girl

2010-01-24T16:59:00.003-06:00

I've been pretty busy these past few months. Christmas didn't really feel like Christmas, New Year's was alright. I saw both Seth and Cody on New Year's Eve. I couldn't hit either of them, because it was Seth's birthday and there were police everywhere. I forget where Kelcie was, but I should've gone and hung out with her. Instead, I hung out with Denna and her boyfriend from California. Yeah... another long distance relationship that she's in. Apparently, she didn't learn her lesson the first time. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. I also hung out with Danny on New Year's Eve. I still hate my job. In fact, after this week, I'm looking to find a new job. I will have worked there for three months. Although, the pay is good and everything, I need to get out of there. I've been drinking a lot since working there. Two weeks ago, dad and I stopped at a bar almost every night of the week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, we were drinking. There was one Friday night that we stopped at this bar in Johnson City and a bunch of people from work were there. That was a fun time. There's someone that works at Akraturn that knows Kelcie very well. She told me that her and her parents have had conversations about me that were all about good things. Speaking of Kelcie, she's now 21 years old and she calls me weekly. Wednesday, her, Julie, and a guy that I work with, went to Thirsty's. After that, we met my dad at the bowling alley. Kelcie's dating one of my friends from a few years back. He's not a bad guy, but he's not me. Well, she was flirting with me at the bowling alley. When I walked her and Julie out to her car, she gave me a kiss that I normally wouldn't get. Friday, her, her boyfriend, Julie, her sister, and me went out to dinner. Most of us were dressed up. Julie's sister wasn't. During dinner, her boyfriend went up to the bar to talk to someone. Kelcie leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. Wednesday and Friday night, she told me several times that she loves me. Kelcie has a special place in her heart for me that I didn't even know was there. Kelcie said that I saved her life over the summer. Her boyfriend said that I was in almost every story that she ever told him. She said that I was her best friend. Out of everyone that went out to dinner on Friday, the only one that she really cared about having a good time was me. I had no idea that I meant that much to her. Saturday, Robin and I delivered her wedding dress to her. Long story about that one. Anyway, Robin noticed that Kelcie looked at me differently than she did her boyfriend or anyone else. Kelcie has this wink that she only does with me. Robin said she felt that Kelcie and I have this connection that no one else has. Unfortunately, Kelcie's not single anymore. I have everyone and their brother telling me that doesn't matter. I'm not so sure about that. Kelcie means the world to me and I'd love to be the one to make her happy, but if there's someone else that's making her happy, then it would be selfish of me to interfere in that. After that Wednesday that I hung out with her, I felt like a million bucks on Thursday. I was working at a place that I hate with a passion, but I knew I'd see her on Friday, so it didn't matter. Robin said that's how I should know there's a connection. It doesn't matter what kind of day either of us have. Just hanging out together, makes any bad day into a good one. Kelcie had a rough summer or so she thought. It wasn't until she stopped and looked back on it, that she realized that her summer actually wasn't all that bad, because her and I did so many things together. I probably should have been doing more active things over the summer like get a job, pay the bills I have, look for my own place. Instead, I was making sure I was always available if she needed me. I was always there. The price that I paid was that my dad was always on my case. Him and I had a few arguments over the summer. Kelcie appreciates that. I'm her hero. I remember growing up that's what I wanted to be. Of course the image changed from when I was a kid, but I still wanted to be a hero in some way. As rough as Kelcie's summer was, it was also not that great for me as well. I had my father on my case and I felt like a loser. Hell, I was a loser. Kelcie didn't think so. We'd help get rid of each other's misery. When I was hanging out with her, I didn't feel like a loser. Well... that one date that she had to drive to the restaraunt, I did feel like a loser then. But, other than that, I didn't feel like a loser. I felt like I was needed. I was always the first person she'd call if she needed someone to talk to. If I didn't answer my cell phone, she'd call my friends to see where I was. I'd do anything it took to get her to smile. She told me that she appreciated everything that I've done for her. When we were at this bar on Friday, I let her buy me a drink. I usually don't let girls do that, but I let her. She can get away with things like that. Then again, I'm sure there are things she lets me do that she won't let anyone else. I'm gonna see if she wants to watch a movie with Danny and me on Friday. I'll probably call her to see if she wants to chill with me at the bowling alley on Wednesday too. Although, she may be taken by someone, she's still my best friend. She already said that we'd still be hanging out. That's all I can really ask for, really.

The Month of November

2009-12-06T20:57:00.004-06:00

I'm a little behind on updating this thing. October ended with Kelcie and her friend, Julie coming to see me at The Beef. Actually, it was my last night working there. My dad found out that I wasn't really making that much at The Beef and talked to his boss. So, I've been working over at Akraturn for about a month and a week. I freakin' hate it, but the pay's even better than the last time that I worked there. When I worked there for the summer back in 2007, I was in the grinding department. I was great at it. Well, Akraturn moved to a different spot earlier, this year. Not all the departments have made the move, yet. The grinding department's one of them. I've been in the CNC Mills department for the most part. Once in a while, I'll have to go over to my dad's department if they have nothing for me. When the grindind department moves to where we are, I'm hoping that I'll be able to work over there. The rest of The Ultimate Fighter Season didn't really change much. Rashad and Quentin were in each other's faces all the time, Team Rashad kept on dominating, and Kimbo Slice never got a second chance. Only one of Quentin's fighters advanced in the competition. He made it to the semi-finals before one of Rashad's fighters knocked him out. It was an all-Team Rashad final and Roy Nelson won to become the Season 10 Ultimate Fighter. Now, Rashad and Quentin were supposed to fight, next Saturday. However, Quentin retired from the UFC, last week. After talking all of that trash and being a complete hypocrite, he's not even going to try ot back it up. That's extremely disappointing. Next Season, Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz will be the coaches. For Thanksgiving, I went to Florida with my mom and dad. I haven't been to Florida in four years. The weather was nice. I don't really like cold weather. It was nice to see my grandmother, my aunt, and my uncle. We didn't go to the beach or went swimming. We went to dinner a few times. Dad, my uncle, and I went to the dog track one night. That was fun. When we came back home, I wanted to hop a plane right back to Florida. That was pretty-much November. Kelcie's been hanging out with me again. Her and Julie usually come to hang out. A few weeks ago, they stayed the night at my place. I hung out with them on Friday. Kelcie and Julie will be on winter break soon, so I'm sure I'll be hanging out with them a lot, this month. Her, Julie, my friend Paco, and I went to The Beef for dinner this past Saturday. After that, we went to Wal-Mart just out of boredom. Paco was annoying Kelcie a little bit, so she asked if I'd like to look at clothes with her. I said sure. She vented a little bit about Paco being annoying and I just said he was acting a little weird. I usually don't hang out with Paco. After this past Saturday, I'm not sure if I really wanna hang out with him again. He's not a bad guy, but he's very opinionated. Anyways, Kelcie thanked me for taking them out to dinner. Then, she said that when she gets a job in the summer, she's taking ME out to dinner for a change. I normally wouldn't let any girl pay for me for anything, but I dunno... I think I just might let her. She gave me a huge hug after we were done hanging out and thanked me for everything. Christmas will be here in a few weeks. She's definitely one of the people that I plan on getting a gift for. Now that I have this job, I'm back to being who I used to be. I feel a lot better than I did over the summer. Dad and I actually have conversations that aren't about how I'm such a freakin' failure. We're back to being how we were before I screwed up at Cortland. The end of 2009's been better than the beginning of it. I have a good feeling about 2010. Even though, I'm doing alright at Akraturn and the pay's better than most of the jobs I've had, I'm looking for something else, so I can get out of there. I don't wanna be there forever and I'm worried that I'll end up like my dad. He ended up making a career out of that place and he hates it over there too. I need to start writing again too. I'm gonna try to keep up with this thing more often. I have several plans that I intend to put into motion in the next few weeks. Although my life's improved over the last few weeks, I still wanna improve it a little. There's still more I can do. Finally, there's a light at the other side of the tunnel. It was just a long-ass tunnel.

It's Like Season 7 All Over Again

2009-10-21T22:04:00.004-05:00

So yeah...Rampage Jackson's a freakin' hypocrite. He complains that Rashad Evans is too cocky, but then he goes and runs his mouth to everybody. Just like Forrest, Rashad's embarrassing him by kicking his ass in the fights. One of Rashad's guys is a bit on the heavy side (hence the name "Heavyweights") and Rampage is always calling him, Titties and picking on him. Finally, the guy had enough and started to move aggressively towards Rampage. The rest of his team held him back. Rampage said that if he ever got in his face, there would be problems. Then, Rashad came to the rescue. Rashad knew that his guy wanted to get right in Rampage's personal space, but he knew that if that were to happen, he'd probably get in a fight with Rampage and kicked off the show. Rashad stood up for his guy. Just the way he handled it...I was very impressed. Rashad acted like a professional. Later in the show, one of the guys on Team Rampage had a Characture made of Team Rashad. It was titled "Team Cocky". I will give them points for creativity, but when you're 0-4, I don't think I'd be playing practical jokes. Rashad and the coaches saw it, laughed, and took it down. Rashad's reaction was, "that was funny, but you know what's funnier than that? Being 5-0." Again, I liked his attitude on it. Well, "Titties" was chosen to fight and he ROCKED his opponent. I think he was sending Rampage a message. He choked out his opponent before the first round was over. So, Rashad is now 5-0. His goal is to have a shut-out victory. It's never been done before, but I have a feeling that Rashad will beat the odds again.

Improving Situations

2009-10-20T20:27:00.003-05:00

Working at The Beef isn't as easy as Danny made it look. Two times, one of the cooks had to help me out. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I work this Friday and I'm gonna try to keep up with everything. As far as the UFC universe goes, Roy Nelson's a cocky little bastard. He was gloating after beating Kimbo Slice. I doubt that Nelson will go all the way. Team Rampage lost yet another fight. Quentin did something that I don't necessarily agree with. He and the rest of his team left his defeated fighter in the octagon alone. Rashad and his assistant coaches went over to the defeated fighter and offered words of encouragement. Whether your boys win or lose, you should always support them. I missed an episode, because I was helping someone for the remainder of the week. He paid me well. Still, I wish there was more that I could do to earn just a little bit more. Kelcie called me, last week. It actually caught me off guard. I really didn't expect to hear from her. She wanted to hang out again sometime. I'm thinking of giving her a call over the weekend to see what she has going on. This week hasn't really been that great. My grandmother had a spontaneous bleed on her leg and ended up going to General Hospital. She's fine now, but I'm so sick of hospitals. Then, tonight my mother was at Lourde's Hospital. She has a gallstone that needs to be removed. Although I know that it really wouldn't matter, I really wish my grandfather was around when we all need him. I still can't believe that it's already been a month already. Also, yesterday I swung by BCC. I ran into Mike Sisin and he informed me that I'm no longer a godfather, because his friend got an abortion. He wasn't given a say on the matter. I have mixed feelings on that one. Also, it was brought to my attention that "there was no war" over the summer. That's funny, because it sure as hell felt like one. Then again, the person who informed me, was neutral. It probably didn't feel like a war to them, but it sure as hell felt like a war to me. A war that we won. Cody showed his true colors and as a result, nobody really likes him. Kelcie's happy, I'm sort of happy (if my damn family members could stay the hell out of the hospital) so the good guys won. But "there was no war". It doesn't even matter anymore. When I talked to Kelcie on the phone, we both realized the summer was actually pretty fun. Sure there were losers that tried to ruin it for us, but we got rid of them and had a blast. I did the best I could to make Kelcie's summer a good one and I think I did a pretty good job. My goal is to just get through the rest of the year and hope that 2010 is a better one.

MMA's Biggest Disappointment.

2009-10-01T10:59:00.003-05:00

To my (and every MMA fan out there) surprise, Kimbo Slice did NOT win his fight. Roy Nelson's ground game proved to be Kimbo's downfall. The fight was very disappointing. Not because Nelson won, but because of how poorly both fighters performed. Kimbo did have a few big hits, but Roy eventually took him down, pinned him, and just kept landing weak punches on top of Kimbo's head. Nelson pretty-much told his team that this was his strategy. It paid off and he advanced. I'm glad Rashad's 3-0, but the fight didn't live up to the hype. It also didn't help that Herb Dean was the ref for this fight. I know I keep saying it, but he's the worst ref in MMA history. If I were a ref, I wouldn't have ended the fight. I'd have stood them up and let them duke it out. Before the fight, the episode was entertaining. Quentin and Rashad talked more trash. This time, Quentin targeted one of Rashad's guys. The guy wasn't doing anything to provoke Rampage, but he felt the need to run his mouth to him. All the guy was doing was shaking his head at them. He probably thought the same thing that I did. "It's getting ridiculous to see these guys always talking trash all the time." Well, Quentin ran his mouth to Rashad's fighter and Rashad's fighter said a few choice words. Personally, I hope Rashad beats Quentin in December. Quentin's the one that's acting all arrogant and cocky. Also, one of Quentin's fighters complained that Quentin wouldn't let him fight after Kimbo's fight. The guy has breathing problems and his knee looked banged up. Quentin explained his reasons for holding out on him. From what I saw, this guy might end up going home due to medical reasons. On a final note, before his fight, Kimbo got plenty of camera time. I give Kimbo tons of credit, because he's very humble and eager to learn. He didn't piss and moan when he lost, he practices the same drills like the rest of the guys on his team, and he listens to his coaches. He doesn't act like he's better than anyone else, he doesn't act like a big shot, and he's not cocky, QUENTIN! Even if he doesn't get another opportunity to fight on the show, I still think Dana White will give him a contract.

30 Bad Days.

2009-09-30T12:26:00.002-05:00

This month was probably the worst month, this year. It began with the passing of my grandfather. My grandfather always had a bad heart, but it was still a shock when he died on September 2nd. I wasn't feeling too good that week. He called me to see how I was feeling on the 2nd. He sounded alright. He had gotten out of the hospital a week before. Later that night, I was going to make myself something to eat when my dad said that we had to go to the hospital. He did 90 the entire way there. When we got there, a nurse informed us that my grandfather had died. He had a heart attack. The ambulance was delayed, because someone got in a motorcycle accident. Here's the interesting part. My ex-girlfriend's father hit a deer on his motorcycle and three ambulances rushed over to the scene. As a result, my grandfather's didn't arrive until 45 minutes after my grandmother called. I stayed with my grandmother for the entire week. That Saturday, I went to the Harpursville football game that my grandfather wanted to go to. Everybody at Harpursville loved my grandfather and he loved them all back. They had a moment of silence for him. At his calling hours, there was always a line. It didn't stop until the calling hours were over. At his funeral, the church was full. I held up alright until my grandfather's good friend, Glen Stevens hugged me while he was crying. I think he felt bad for me, but I felt bad for him. I think both of us knew that, but there wasn't anything we could do to get rid of the pain. After the funeral, I decided to talk to Denna and find out what was said. After a few tension filled moments, everything was fine. I hung out with her a few weeks ago. My birthday was coming up and I wanted to hang out with a select few people. We had a party at Danny's. Even though Kelcie had a boyfriend and a wedding to go to, she made it. I couldn't have been more glad. I thought that she'd ditch hanging out with me after she had a boyfriend. I forgot that she has more class than that. My old high school friend, Heather came as well. Her and I have been hanging out and talking a little bit more than we have, since meeting back up at the bar, last year. I visited BCC a few times. Robin's been having problems with this one asshole, so I showed up to see to it that he stopped. I hung out with Mike Sisin on one of those days. He pretty-much screwed things up with Kelcie. I don't think he realizes how stupid some of his decisions really are. Still, he's my boy and even though they're not talking, I'm friends with both of them. He called me, last week to let me know that he got a friend of his pregnant and he chose me to be the child's godfather. He's scared out of his mind, but he screwed up. Now, he needs to face the consequences. Danny got me a job where he works, but it's nothing to jump for joy about. I only work every other Friday and they're always busy on those days. I was overwhelmed on my first night. Lucky for me, the cooks are awesome. Smokey helped me get caught up. I owe him a beer even though he says I don't need to buy him anything. There is some good news to all this. The Ultimate Fighter is back. Quentin Jackson and Rashad Evans are the coaches. They've been talking trash to each other for the past two episodes. Quentin says that he doesn't like Rashad's cocky attitude, but on the show, it's always Quentin that's acting cocky. Rashad's fighters won the first two fights. They weren't anything spectacular. In fact, they were horrible. The fighters aren't that good, this season. However, tonight is when Internet sensations Kimbo Slice fights former IFL Fighter, Roy Nelson. It could honestly go either way. Kimbo's stand-up game is excellent, but he doesn't have much of a ground game. Roy's pretty well-rounded. It should be a good fight.