and this is the reason why

that never ending-ness

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 05:21:00 +0000

i'm sorry.
he said.
I'm not sure how many more sorrys
are yet to be left at our door.
but you just keep loving don't you.
you love until it hurts.
it's a love like no other.
the love you have for your children.
that gut wrenching love.
the never ending-ness.
the i will lay down for you-ness.
the forever-ness.
and the loneliness.
yes. there's that too.
because you basically ride alone.
only God can see
you see.

{image via deviantart}

mother's day

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Tue, 15 May 2012 13:10:00 +0000

we talked. he and i.
we've talked before
about it all.
the why.
but we've never gone back
to the agony
how afraid i was of losing him
how brave he was.
he said
you saved me mum.
you saved me.
he sobbed
and wondered when he was ever going to grow up.
stop being so selfish.
i said.
you are growing up.
every day.
we held each other and sobbed.
and sobbed.
it was mother's day.
what a gift.
no greater gift.
than to have him there with me.
healthy. aware. alive.
and well
again.

the year of letting go

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 01:56:00 +0000

the year was about
staying in. not venturing too far.
not doing hard.
calming the thoughts in my head.
the trauma of what was.
letting it go.
and placing it at His feet.
not. so. easy.
but i am trying.
to allow it.
if i feel sad. i will be sad.
if i feel afraid. i will be afraid.
the trick is to not hold on.
but to let it go.
be sad. then let it go.
be afraid. then let it go.
2012.
the year of letting go.
stepping outside.
learning to breathe.
and trust.
that he will be ok.

{via Drifter and the Gypsy}

if you could hear me

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 12:37:00 +0000

i would offer these to you.

you just need a little

{images via here}

just because

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 12:46:00 +0000

sigh

i dream of you

there you are

{image unknown}

inspired

take me there

travelling heart

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:58:00 +0000

i'm not sure how far my heart has travelled this year.
but it has been a long way. a very long way.
how does it go?
all the way to the moon. and back?
i think that's how it goes.

the saddest summary

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 04:13:00 +0000

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”
— Louis E. Boone

{image} passeriformes' flickr

will she

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:54:00 +0000

will she not just fly. but soar.
will she fall in love with a boy. with good hair.
that falls. just so.

will he be musical. and sporty.

and love her. with a sublime love.

an everlasting love.

will he see. what we see.

will she always forgive me. for loving her.

too much. for not always. getting it right.
will she believe in herself. truly.
will she understand. that to me she is perfect.

just the way she is. nothing added.

nothing taken away.
will she ever see the beauty that i see.

that everyone else sees.

will she find herself. and love herself.

every bump and scratch.
will she go to new york one day. without me.

will she always write on her hand. and drink tea.
will she take her time. will she stop and breathe.

dare to dream. and never forget.

how to be brave.

will she never settle for less. but stay true to herself.
will she not lose heart. nor take it to heart.
will she never stop learning. growing.

or wanting to know.
will she look out for the weak. or the sad.

like she does now.

love them. nurture them.
will she live near the beach after all. or end up.
somewhere cold. so she can play with snow.
will she remember how to make. paper cranes.
will she always be looking out. for number 13.
will she know that day 1 is always the hardest.
and that it gets easier.
after day 99.

will she always want pictures on her wall.

will she still want to go shopping. when we are older.

will she let me spoil her kids.
will she always carry the flame. the lamp to her feet.

and know how to find her way home.

will she miss me. when i am gone.

{images} 1. maggie lochtenberg's flickr 2. mike g.k.'s flickr 3. marcinethequeen flickr; 4. passeriformes' flickr

i got the news today

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 19 May 2010 06:20:00 +0000

well.
it's been a long time between posts.
been a bit busy with the breast cancer thing.
and the 10 hour surgery thing.
and the 13 days in hospital thing.

the pain. in the first 7 days. was horrific.
the inability to sleep. the inability to get the pain under control. i didn't think i'd get through it. it was plain awful.

but then the news on the 7th day that I was cancer free.
cured.
no need for further treatment.
miraculous.

i remember when she told me. i was reading a book.
my family were 10 minutes away. so i was on my own.
the surgeon walked in and smiled.

she never smiles.
not really.
so i sort of knew.
i said.
good news?
she said.
great news.

she left the room. and i went back to reading my book.
i know. strange.

finally i stopped. i looked out the window to the pretty view.
and tried to comprehend what had just happened.
it had been 5 months of uncertainty.
i'd had major surgery. more complex than heart surgery.
i'd had my breasts removed and replaced with new ones.
new ones that i couldn't even bring myself to look at. not properly.
not yet.

but in the end. it was all worth it. to get that news.
and then the tears came. not alot. just enough.
until the family got there. and i told them.
all in shock. all so happy.
after the months of bad news.
the good news came. the great news.
the gracious news.
in an instant i had gone from a cancer sufferer.
to a cancer survivor.
just like that.

i am not sure why it has taken me so long to write.
about something so wonderful.
why is that?
why is it easier to write about suffering.
than joy?

i've been busy. sure.
busy getting better. recovering. resting. getting strong.
busy dealing with other heartache and trauma in our family.
but still. you'd think i would have made the time by now.

funny.
how joy is sometimes hard.

i am truly thankful.
no doubt.
i just wish every woman with breast cancer.
was as fortunate. in the end.
as me.

i am not sure why the sun shines for me today.
and not for others.
i am not sure why my friend sheila had to die.
and i get to live.
i do believe in a God who saves. and who loves.
who has poured his graciousness out on me.

but even in my joy.
i am sad.

i got the news today....

{image via the freckled cup}

looking forward

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:00:00 +0000

we can't change what is.
we can't undo the past or the things over which we have no control.
and no say in.
we can only take hold of today.
and make of tomorrow what we can.
keeping our dreams intact.
keeping our path straight. lest we stray.
and lose ourselves.
in the process.
thank you for not allowing me.
to get lost.
in all of this.
come with me won't you?
come with me towards the light.
it's just around the bend.
i can see it. taste it. feel it.
even if you can't.
i have strength enough.
for both of us.
trust me.

{image via The Drifter and the Gypsy Flickr}

who knows

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 08:22:00 +0000

where tomorrow will take you.
how you will get there.
whether you will see clearly.
whether it will make any sense in the end.
is it meant to?

{images}1-4 via papertissue tumblr; image 5 unknown (sorry)

because a little bit of mr darcy goes a long way

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 06:58:00 +0000

to brighten my day.

{images} theloveshop on etsy

but a single tree

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:40:00 +0000

A woodland in full color is awesome as a forest fire, in magnitude at least, but a single tree is like a dancing tongue of flame to warm the heart. ~ Hal Borland

{images} 1-2 kwerfeldein's flickr; 3 jauntyjinty's flickr; 4 ron orman jr's flickr; 5 champy 1013's flickr

the way you speak to my heart

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 06:00:00 +0000

words of comfort.
spoken.
in letter. email.
text. or beautiful card.
hearts. sewn with love.
meals. to take the pressure off.
soap. candles. smiles.
flowers. serene and fragile.
offering yourselves.
to me.
its the way you speak.
to my heart.

{written in response to the love of friends and family during my journey with breast cancer. i am on that road. and know not where it goes. but no matter. for all is well. with me. because of You. and my God. who sustains me. in all things.}

{image} dazeychic's etsy store

recovery kit

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 06:00:00 +0000

when things got tough recently. kels made me my very own recovery kit.

* a lovely hardware toolkit. for all the quilting bibs and bobs. genius.
* some pins so I won't keep stealing hers.
* some lovely ribbon. which my daughter will steal. no doubt.
* a selection of vintage buttons. from her very special jar. sigh.
* one packet each maltesers and smarties. necessities.
* some delectable patchwork fabric. another sigh.
* the horse whisperer. jane austen regrets. for lounge lying.
* a scrummy candle. soap. toile pillowcase. more sighing.
* material obsession book two. swoon.
* hand picked tear sheets with recommendations on what to do. buy. visit.
* my very own deer mug. see next point.
* and pictures of deer antlers. yes. i have a thing about deer antlers. above a fireplace. surrounded by falling snow. in some divine ski lodge. {preferably in the canadian rockies. because once a canadian. always a canadian.} she doesn't get it at all. but don't you love how she respects my foolish desire and tears out the pictures anyway? true love.

ps. they must be faux deer antlers. of course.

so there you have it.
don't you think it the swellest gift?
i know i do.

{images} image 1 dottie angel; image 2 the cool hunter

and so. it has come to this.

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:00:00 +0000

solitude, originally uploaded by rita vita finzi.

sometimes. you have to go it alone.
even when surrounded by love.
there is this thing. that you must do.
just you. and it.
it attaches itself to you. and. what can you do.
but run with it. the wind. strong. against your face.
pale. drawn. distraught.
but run you do. up and down.
with each new blow.
on you go.

annie

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 13:40:00 +0000

i love these images. they are my annie.
to a tea.

{images} the beautiful and talented klein diva in paris

reflection

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 13:09:00 +0000

operation yesterday. check.
equals time to reflect on beautiful things.
and only beautiful things.
and how much i love.
and how much i am loved.
big. big. check.

{images} 1-3 via the drifter and the gypsy; 4 anthropologie; 5-6 cassia beck

you can conquer almost any fear

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 12:23:00 +0000

{image} notebookdoodles

falling in love

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:00:00 +0000

still falling in love.
after 20 years.
something to celebrate.
i reckon.

"I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old."
~William Shakespeare~

{image}leloveimage.blogspot.com

what she did on her summer vacation

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:00:00 +0000

chatted to great friends.
marvelled at the kids. all growing up.
french cricket champion.
too much icecream.
movie nights. pretty in pink. breakfast club.
soaked in the ocean bathtub.
floated up and over big waves filled with bright. silver. schools of brim.
laughed alot. read some.
pottered in the op shop. and bought some buttons. for the paper crane mobiles.
walked the bridge.
and took some happy. snaps.
so i could look back. and remember.
me. with you.
and summer.

{images} taken by me. forster. tuncurry. 2010.

run to the sea

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:56:00 +0000

with. one. more. sleep.
i will have my way with.
the sea.
and sleeping in. with a spot of blissful sunshine.
thrown in.
main beach. grannies. one mile.
that balmy ocean breeze.
dolphin spotting.
a good book. or three.
umbrellas. lined. up. all in a row.
with great friends. underneath.
bilo soft rolls. icecreams.
the legendary putt putt challenge.
floating downstream under the bridge. squea!
margharitas on the balcony.
listening to the squeals of the fairground.
staying up. far too late.
barbeques. dining out. and dvd marathons.
cards. lake cathie.
long walks. and always laughter.
time. to contemplate. to be thankful.
to belong.
for me. for us. for you.
what. could. be. better.
than that.

Oh great ocean. oh great sea.
Run to the ocean. run to the sea.
{U2}

{image} mikera's flickr

a little touch of christmas

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 07:00:00 +0000

, originally uploaded by october rain.

how. simply. gorgeous.

family dinner and late church christmas eve. joyous.

christmas day. family. good wine. laughter.

great food. christmas trivia. bit of a bagging.

all in good fun.

too much sweet stuff. some lovely gifts.

handmade. or recycled. if possible.

another year. over.

{image: courtesy of dottie angel}

number 5

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:36:00 +0000

i think i am slightly addicted. to quilting.
i could spend hours. looking at. touching. fabric.
quiltsmith in annandale. sydney. my new. favourite. haunt.
was there on saturday. with kels. oh. the fun we had.
selected some lovelies. for my new quilt.
number 5.
popped into material obsession. hunters hill. on the way home.
you know. cause we had to. just as they were closing their doors.
we burst in. not to be put off.
found some scrumptious. to die for. flannalette. aaaah.
this handmade quilt from toast uk is my inspiration.
destined to become my favourite quilt.
so far.
stay tuned.

17

noreply@blogger.com (and this is the reason why) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:58:00 +0000

17 years of nic today. our christmas treat.
a box of birds. sleep not required. treading on my head. in bed.
at 5am. charming.
took to a cricket bat. like it had always been attached.
left handed. who would have guessed.
all things sporty. his greatest love.
and yet. there's always room for a hug where nic's concerned.
always time for his little cousin. or his poppy.
full of loving. and feeling. that's our boy.
navigating 17 year-old-ness. it's not easy sometimes.
well. you are doing fine.
just fine.
happy birthday. nikolay davydenko.
celebrations. all round.
for god gave a party. in heaven. the day you were born.
when he saw just how happy you made us.
just by being.
you.

{image}: cassia beck @ flickr