Andrea Parsons Psychotherapy What I've Learned so far

WHEN IS IT TIME TO START COUNSELING? HOW DO I FIND A THERAPIST? WHAT ARE MY CHOICES

2012-09-13T22:24:00.001-04:00

If your asking these questions my guess is, therapy/counseling is in your future, but I know the task seems daunting. You don't know how to start, who to trust, and what is what and besides, you aren't really keen on asking other people to help you with your problems. I will dedicate the next several blog posts to help you figure all this out and will gladly answer your questions which you can post on this blog or write me directly at: andreamparsons@gmail.com. Though I may use your questions as a blog discussion your identity will remain confidential. I am a Licensed Psychotherapist in the state of New Hampshire and have been practicing individual therapy for over 25 years and have been working with couples for over 15 years specializing in dealing with intimacy struggles.. If I don't know the answer I will help you find it. So let's start with an overview and then I will get down to the specifics in following blogs. Good luck and you're off to a good start.

I've been providing therapy for many years now, been to therapy, have friends that go but I forget that not everyone has a working knowledge about it and many of you don't know how to find someone, what makes for good therapy and how to judge whether a particular therapist is right for you. Starting with a therapist can be difficult. But the sooner you start therapy/counseling, the better. Don't wait until you can hardly get out of bed in the morning or you've had a huge fight with your partner and been told that it's over.

The other day I had the unfortunate experience of getting my car stuck in the muddy edge of my driveway. Had I gotten some help right away I might have had an easier time getting myself out of the slight rut. But because I was sure I could do it myself and thought I didn't need anyone, bother anyone, I became more and more committed to the task with each press of the gas pedal, spinning back and forth digging myself in deeper and deeper. What could have been a simple task was turning into a bigger and more costly problem. I was being stubborn, strong I thought,, overly confident, sure of myself and minimizing the extent of the problem. What a mess I made. Come on, we've all been there, a little problem turned into a huge one simply by trying to fix it.

Why do we wait until the problem is humongous and so much harder to deal with?

We are hoping that the problem will go away on it's own.
We determine that our our partner is just frustrated and will be fine tomorrow.
We think we have solved the problem, through discussions, or a slight change in ourselves, and we hope it makes a difference.
We believe that therapy is for weak people, I can solve my own problems.
We procrastinate. It's not easy starting something new.
We don't have enough time to devote to it. My life is too hectic.
We don't believe our partner when s/he says that they "can't take it anymore." We minimize and say, "Oh, S/he is just complaining. We're good."
We don't know where to start. We don't know what kind of therapist we need. We don't want to look up someone on the Internet we don't know. It's weird talking to a stranger.
What happens if they tell me I should/n't leave my partner?
What if they tell me that I am crazy?
My family doesn't " believe in therapy."

And on and on........................................................

until we are deeper in a rut, with mud all over our back window, pounding the steering wheel ready to break down, wondering, " what the hell to do now?".

Therapy can help anyone sort through their thoughts and feelings to develop insight, increase self awareness and to live a more purposeful life. We can all use another set of ears and eyes to help us look at our ideas, show us a different perspective and help us find other solutions and help us get back on a good path. We can all use a "life adviser." But what is up with all the different kinds, titles and degrees?

There are many types of therapists and it's hard for people to keep them straight. There are Psychiatrists, Social Workers, Psychologists, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners, Master level clinicians, Mental Health Counselors, Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Therapists, Drug and Alcohol Counselors, Counselors, Therapists, Life Coaches, and it's hard to know who is what. I'm going to help you keep them straight and hopefully make it more manageable.

The best place to start is by word of mouth. Ask family and friends for names. If you're a little uncomfortable asking just say, "I have a friend who is having a problem with _______ do you know any good therapists?" You'll be surprised how many people have been to therapy and will give you names of good ones and ones to avoid. .Going to a reputable website to get names of therapists is becoming a good way to find someone. Most sites let you narrow down your search to find those clinicians who work primarily with issues you're struggling with. The Psychology Today Website helps you find someone close by, pick the issues you want to deal with, choose gender or sexual orientation, religious preference, type of therapy. You can see a photo, get the website, read a blurb by the therapist and sometimes you can shoot an email to ask questions. All I can tell you is the therapists on this site are good. I'm not saying I know them all and that they are all great, I'm saying I see the names of colleagues with good reputations who have been practicing as long as I have and if you spend time sorting through the list you can find a top notch therapist. Look for reviews on a therapist, find out about a therapist but be aware that a good therapist might have a bad review and a bad therapist might have a good review I have noticed, as I check this out, that therapists don't have tons of reviews written by their clients. Though the reviews allow confidentiality, it is frowned upon to ask clients to review us. And because it is a relationship after all, the idea of reviewing might be difficult. I love getting reviews, even if they have a suggestion or two, it gives me the opportunity to fix a problem and it helps potential clients decide if I might be a good choice for them. I am slightly ahead of the technology curve and I might not agree that reviews are a bad way to go, but in general, around New England anyway, it is difficult to get lots of information from reviews. I encourage you to chose an experienced clinician, find someone who has years (10 or more) of experience and has had time to really hone their skills.

Once you get a few names, take time to talk with them all on the phone and narrow your choice to 2 or 3 and then make appointments with who you liked best. At the appointment let them know you have appointments with one or two more and that your trying to figure out who is a better fit for you. Be sure to ask questions, share some of your struggles and ask whether they have worked with those issues before. Ask what they did, how long did therapy last when dealing with those types of issues, what training they have received and remember that you need to feel like you connect with this person and that they have something to offer you.

(Next blog will address why Therapists are so bad getting back to you on the telephone)

There are many different styles and some people have a preference for one over the other. Some clinicians are less active, some ask lots of questions, some less, some share their knowledge others don't. Some therapists practice techniques that others don't. For instance if you want someone who gives "homework" in order to help you change a behavior, you might need to find a therapist who has Behavioral Therapy training. They focus changing behaviors that cause us problems. Cognitive therapists will focus on your thinking and help you understand how your thinking and views affect your choices. Psychodynamic clinicians will spend more time exploring your past and help you develop insight and deeper understanding which can lead to change. Many of us are proficient with several different techniques. These therapists find value in and eclectic approach. For sure I will go into this part deeper in the next few blogs. What I know for sure is if your idea of a therapist comes for TV show or movies, then you might not have a realistic view of what therapists are really like.

But a good therapist will help you figure out what you need and if they can't help they will refer you to someone who can.

I hope to continue this dialogue, answer your questions and make counseling/therapy a resource for everyone.
©AndreaParsons

Siri and I have come to an understanding

2012-02-01T17:36:00.000-05:00

After numerous sessions, books, websites, conversations with friend. And a few "Words with friends" games. I have decided that screaming and repeating obscenities at Siri is not a good answer. I figured if I developed a working, loving and accepting relationship, things would be less stressful between us.
So I've begun to accept whatever she comes up with and send the text or email exactly what she hears. No one knows what I am texting to them but Siri and I have a much better time together.
©AndreaParsons

My Relationship with Siri

2012-01-13T18:30:00.003-05:00

Siri and I are having a difficult time with our relationship. I was so excited the first time we spoke. And though I don't remember the actual conversation, I feel like things started on a good note. But lately we just don't seem like we are on the same wave length. I get so angry with her. When I say something over and over again, she misunderstands, and then does something completely whacked. I feel my inner peace being disrupted and my sense of frustration growing.

I thought maybe we needed to get to know each other and when I told her I was a therapist she said "hello." Ok, I though we were getting somewhere. But when I asked her some personal questions, she said she didn't like to talk about herself. One step forward, two steps back.

A friend suggested that I go to some self-help websites. There are lots of people struggling with their relationships. But, there are lots who have good ones. I feel like a real failure. I don't know how to talk right, I guess.

At one site it said Siri doesn't have self awareness! And I'm worried that I made a huge mistake. I set up and appointment with a relationship therapist. I hope it helps. So far I learned my expectations are too high. And Siri is offended when I use bad language. What the F%&^$##!

Doesn't she have to accept me for who I am? Do I have to make all the changes? I don't think so! But she's not going to change. No matter, I am going to try my hardest to make things work between us. I can only work on myself but I don't know how much more I can take.
©AndreaParsons

More on ENOUGH......MY RESPONSE TO SCOTT

2011-10-22T13:19:00.001-04:00

WOW,Where have you been hiding?

First, if any of those school girls saw you hit a tennis ball, they would have been looking up with a smile every time! Cause you ARE Johnny Cool!

And on a serious note......

I was hoping a guy would write about their experience on the other side. How amazing to think we are all insecure and we all worry about rejection; not being good enough, smart enough, hunky enough, cute enough, nice enough, wearing the right clothes enough.....

But you are also right about the part "nature" plays in our choices. The many studies indicate how significant our genetic wiring is in our picking out our mate. Not only are there facial feature factors there are smells that we are unknowingly attracted to.

Cheech and Chong do a comedy bit that goes way back to when RD was young, they are smelling each others butts like dogs.

Perhaps our cave people ancestors smelled each other prior to mating. We also know that we are hard wired to have several reproductive mates which is one of the reasons that most long term relationships end up going through rough spots. (feel free to read over my other blogs to get that info) During this time we question our love. I honestly haven't met anyone in a long term committed relationship - > 10 years, that can say they feel the same kind of crazy passion that they felt when they first got together.

Most of them have tales of great times followed by difficult times, often problems that made them separate or contemplate divorce. But when I talk to them they say deciding to stick it out was followed by hard work, improved communication and humor, comfort and deeper appreciation for their partner. I am sure humor is one of your tools! And of course your ability to dig deeper and develop insight using your superior intelligence.

So for those of you reading this, wondering what you can possibly get if you stay in your relationship and work through the rough spots, listen to my old (I hope future) tennis partner. (who by the way made me rich playing with him) You get COMFORT with familiarity. Which is what Elva said too. ENOUGH SPARK when you aren't too tired to create it. RESPECT and dedication and trust in the LOYALTY of your partner to stick it out through thick and thin to MAKE IT WORK. And who has the time and ENERGY to sign up on Match.com or worse go to the local bar stool, and keep up with the oodles of admirers wanting to get together. And after all that work not meeting anyone who you want to have to get to know. And if you do you'll most likely end up in the same spot again, at some point deciding to work it through. I'm just sayin.......

You two are lucky and so are your kids!

AND BY THE WAY WHAT IS WITH /&*$#)@ ?

WHAT'S ENOUGH ? How do we decide when to stay and when to go.

2011-10-21T15:57:00.003-04:00

Today a client was struggling with a decision whether to stick with a relationship of 15 years, now living apart and only getting together once in awhile. Even though her partner seemed aloof, uninvolved and in her mind uninterested in her, he was satisfied with things enough. He was not initiating intimacy, they like the intellectual discussions, they are good friends and share lots of interests. But she wants someone who asserts his love toward her in a way that she can feel loved. That isn't him. And chances are it will never be. So why has it been so difficult for her to decide to "move on?"

She started the our meeting today saying, "I'm ready to move on." She looked sincere and sure of herself. If she could believe that he didn't love her and that was the reason he was so uninterested, she could leave him. But when she was reminded that he might have been happy with the relationship the way it was , she began to question her decision to move on. Would it really be enough for her to stay with him just because he loved her? How long would it take for that not to be enough? And why was she having such a hard time making her decision based on her needs? She needed someone to show her more interest, someone less in his own world.

Remember when we were in Jr. High ( OK for those who went to Middle School you may not have any experiences that relate to this story) and at the school dance. The girls sat on chairs that were placed around the walls of the gym while the boys milled around on the dance floor pushing and acting too cool to dance. Being the girl, you began to feel fearful that no one would ask you to dance. Embarrassed, you might start to talk with a girl friend, hoping that the cute guy with the cords would notice you looking at him. You might look at him again, giggle , then look away hoping he would notice that you wanted to dance with him. A few boys would begin to walk over and ask girls to dance and you began to get more worried fearing you were not going to be the only girl sitting on the sidelines. A guy would make his way over, not "the one" but you still hoped he came over to ask you to dance, and when he did, you were so thankful and enamored by the boy who asked you. He wasn't the one but it didn't matter who you wanted anymore, it mattered that this boy wanted to dance with you.

Is it any wonder why women often stick with the guy who asks her, we learned early on to put our needs and desires aside. Though many things have changed, women still wait in hope for the man to finally come around to be who they want them to be, "maybe they'll change if....." Even on Internet dating sites they may not do the shopping but rather wait for whomever contacts them.

So I think that my client may be hoping her guy will ask her to dance, so she keeps on the sidelines. Maybe she feels good that someone wants her even if he isn't the right one for her. And maybe that is enough. Or maybe she wants a partner who can express his love in a way that she feels loved at least some of the time. Does she keep waiting or does she say, "I've waited long enough and I have to either accept him and be at peace with that or I need to find someone who will be more expressive and loving toward me." No wonder we struggle with our love relationships.

Relationships are a challenge, we never get everything that we want, some things we should learn to accept and other things we shouldn't accept. We also grow, develop our own ways to get needs met, our needs change and relationships change too. There is no answer though we wish there were, no way of knowing what could happen, in the moment we feel this or want that. I wish I had the answer.

How Do We Spice Up Our Sex Life?

2011-10-19T15:22:00.006-04:00

For all of you who have asked me, here it is:

First, it is important that you do this together with your partner. If your partner isn't interested then it may be time to start couples counseling. I'm going to discuss things that have worked for my clients, some speed bumps that might crop up and pot holes to avoid.

Start with an honest but loving discussion about your present sexual experience. How much "learning" did either one of you have prior to and during the relationship? Many young couples and couples who may have met when young but have been together for a long time, have limited experiences and may be engaging in "teenage" sex; little foreplay, go right to orgasm and roll over to sleep. This may have been fun when you were young, but it isn't a mature sexual relationship. You both need to do some reading, watching and talking about your turn ons and turn offs. This means that it is time do develop a healthy relationship with your own body, and a healthy attitude about sex.

Many people in the US and other sexually repressed countries, develop negative attitudes about sexuality, esp. self-pleasuring, being sexy, liking sex, etc.... It helps to talk about this with your partner. What were your parents' beliefs, religious beliefs, negative and positive experiences and messages. This can be difficult and might be better to do it with a therapist who is trained in sex therapy. Many therapists are as uncomfortable as you are about these discussions.

As you can see, starting a general discussion about sex, can delve into a load of other conversations. So once you have agreed to have a judgment free, understanding, loving sexual relationship you are ready to explore a variety of activities that can enhance your sexual connection.

Sex can be a way to connect, relax, de-stress, have fun; connect with your inner sex cat/kitten.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION

This discussion requires opening up and trusting enough to be vulnerable with your partner. Making fun of the ideas, putting them down, laughing, sharing with friends during a party may shut down any fun you were likely to have. Mature sex requires mature lovers, respect, kindness and compassion.

Couples who enhance their sexual connection develop their own ways to talk about sex, respecting each other's comfort level is pivotal. Many share their fantasies. As an example, I have had couples start discussions about "swinging." The discussion was stimulating enough to create sexual arousal and sexual desire. Often the discussions and the fantasies created are enough to spice up a sexual relationship.. Another couples shared their fantasy places that would be dangerous but fun to have sex in, including an aspect of getting caught and needing to be quiet. They began to have sex in several of the places that they fantasized about. Other couples have gone to "Adult" book stores or parties and bought sex toys to make sex more playful. They have bought sexually graphic CD's, books, magazines that help stimulate sexual desire and arousal. There are many CD's out there made to teach couples how to improve their sexual relationships including discussions by sex therapists as well as real clients. These are sexually graphic and can help couples feel freer to explore new sexual behaviors. Some couples go together to strip clubs which can create sexual freedom, arousal and fantasy. Make sure the strip club is a reputable one.

Go out together, get away from the same ole, same ole. Take an overnight together so you can dress up, let your hair down and help you get in touch with your inner sex god/dess. Staying home all the time, Watching CSI, washing dishes, doing laundry, dealing with kids, hearing the phone ring, cleaning the toilets are not typically turn on's for us and in fact they can make you so tired, cause you to feel like a parent not a lover and sex feels foreign. Get away, go dancing, walk in the moonlight and hold hands, live out some of your fantasies.

To sum up:
1. Do it together
2. Learn about your partner. Share about yourself
3. Discuss turn ons and turn offs. Avoid engaging with your lover's turn offs. Don't try and convince your partner to like a turn off.
4. Then start to discuss fantasies. Use fantasy as a turn on. Develop other turn on's. Books, movies, pictures, role play. Go out, go out go out......... Take it as far as you are comfortable, but slightly outside your norm.
5. Proceed slowly and with caution, and if necessary find a therapist who can help you explore this without doing damage.
6. Do not make fun of each other, don't share these intimate experiences with drunk friends at dinner, by no means hurt each other.

This is a quick discussion and not in itself the answer for all people. These are ideas, some suggestions and direction. Please get help if you are unsure, afraid, in a high conflict relationship, and/or anything other than a respectful, loving relationship. I'd love to hear others discuss what has worked for them. I hope you can do it anonymously and if you can't let me know how to make that happen .

Response to Elva's last post

2011-09-24T13:18:00.003-04:00

Elva, you have clearly been married longer than the stage of marriage that I was referring to in my original blog. So I'd love to know what ups and downs you have gone through, especially 30 (plus or minus a few years) years ago. Do you remember when you first met? Did you experience the "high" that a new love can create? Many people feel a sense of euphoria, thoughts of their love constantly, a feeling of walking on clouds; this feeling is what we think must be what "love" is. This sense of "bliss" is like a "high."

In fact a a study conducted in the 80's has identified that this "high" lights up the same part of the brain as amphetamines. So there is evidence that we are hard wired to have different reproductive partners. This is in conflict with our social norms.

This euphoric stage can last for one to three years until our chemistry shifts in another way. What I was discussing in the earlier blog was this stage. This is the time that we begin to wonder what happened to that feeling. This stage creates feelings of disillusionment and despair. Couples don't feel the same euphoric sense of love and then they often pull away from each other. The article that includes the study I mentioned also identifies the chemistry of the following stage, and our study of animals and early human cultures helps us identify why this shift is necessary in order to give us the best chance of our offspring's survival. I often remind people of the movie, "The March of the Penguins." The intensity and cooperation that penguin couples develop i order to take care of the egg in conditions that are against all odd. They both take their turn on the egg so their mate can travel many miles to eat and then return. At a particular stage when the baby penguin can survive more independently they go their separate ways.

In other words we are hard wired, just like all the other animals, in a way that we need to be in order to have the best shot at our offspring surviving.

How we interpret this change is often what causes breakups. Many couples have sexual struggles, don't communicate well, feel rejected, and develop strong feelings of attraction for coworkers or friends. This stage is a make it or break it stage and you obviously "made it."

I'm wondering if you're willing to share anything about that time in your marriage with us? What did you do to build a stronger, deeper bond? What did you do to spice things up? Or did you just accept it? What made you stay? Who did you talk with? Obviously you developed ways to feel fulfilled as an individual, did you also create ways to do it as a couple?

Feel free to completely ignore this post or tell me to mind my own business, or share whatever you want.

HOW DO WE SPICE UP OUR LOVE LIFE WHEN THE "HIGH" IS GONE?

2011-09-23T14:00:00.002-04:00

I have been discussing this issue this week with several different couples. I wondered today why I haven't been writing about this. I think primarily because I don't want to start such a charged up subject at the beginning of my restart of my blog. Well, it's time because I need to. You might be saying, "Sure Andrea you can tell us about biology, etc, but how do we actually get that "high" back in our relationships?"

Well, you don't get the "high." But you can bring back sexual desire and excitement. You can reconnect both emotionally and intimately with your partner. You'll need to go outside your comfort zone a little. Experiences that will increase the addrenaline and the dopamine are usually slightly outside your comfort zone.

Rather than spewing forth my own ideas, I am reaching out to my readers (which I think there are 3 of at this point) what you or others have done as a way to spice up the intimacy and create feelings of desire in your/their relationship.

Ok, talk to me!

A Follow up to my last Blog: how can we learn if no one teaches us?

2011-09-19T15:04:00.000-04:00

©AndreaParsonsPsychotherapist
A Followup from my last blog:

CNN was reporting about the children's book, Evolution, by Daniel Loxton. The book, though highly acclaimed has not been published in the USA. According to CNN the writer was unable to get any US publishing companies to publish it. Now perhaps there are other reasons not reported by CNN, I don't know that everything reported is completely accurate. However, it did also have sound bites from three Republican Presidential Candidates. Perry said that evolution has "some gaps," Bachmann said that there were "hundred's of scientists who believe in Creationism," and Huntsman was sure that Republican Candidat'se cannot "run from science."

Though my intention is not to debate Creationism vs Evolution. I was struck by the fact that if the "Tea Party Candidates" and Republicans run on a strong family values platform, couldn't they see value in allowing education to include biological drive, instinct and the issues that I previously discussed in my last blog, if it meant saving the American Institute of Marriage?

We don't teach this information in schools. Then no wonder we are all confused about the natural stages of marriage, sexual desire and long term connection. How can we really develop long term love if we aren't given all the information needed?

The truth about sexual desire and love

2011-09-16T12:43:00.005-04:00

All these primary impulses, not easily described in words, are the springs of man's actions.
Albert Einstein

After years or research Helen Fisher, the anthropologist not the designer, determined that "Romantic love is a primary motivation system, a fundamental mating drive".

Let's face it, we have a difficult time accepting the instinctual part of love. We put huge meaning to the initial, highly charged, sexual stage the moment we fall in love with our "soul mate". Though I am not saying that soul mates can't exist, I'm saying we can't really distinguish much at this stage, the intensity is biologically driven just like any animal. It's purpose is reproduction. We require a great feeling, a powerful urge, intense chemical production that can cause us drop everything, interests, healthy rituals, best friends and focus on sex and reproduction (Obviously, the advent of birth control put a slight wrench in the selection process-that's a discussion for another blog). So for those of you who have continued to read this, I can tell you that when we get less "turned on" by each other, after several years of heavenly bliss or following the birth of a child, it does not mean that your relationship is flawed, it does not mean you have fallen out of love. And when you feel aroused by a work colleague, it doesn't mean your marriage is bad. Once we understand this truth, we can more intelligently (which makes us slightly more rational than most animals) we can move forward and develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

Unfortunately, as soon as this starts, couples begin to slide down that muddy, slippery slope, mounting attack after attack in the bedroom. "What is wrong with you? You're so cold? You used to be into sex. You must not love me." "I'm not good enough, I can't arouse my partner anymore, she must be having an affair." "I know I can feel aroused by others, my partner could care less, s/he isn't really interested so why not find someone else." (this is the "G" rated version ) The many hurtful words, damaging thoughts, and misguided beliefs infiltrate the relationship. So difficult to repair.

THIS IS NORMAL, you aren't broken. These damaging words, misguided beliefs and generally painful moments often lead to divorce, affairs, family's breaking apart, hardship for spouses and children and inner damage from blame, shame game.

Look, what ever gave you the idea that your childhood fantasy of what a relationship was like, can actually exist? That your soul mate would always create the same powerful feeling "forever after?" And that love would be so powerful that it would be easy most of the time? Our expectations about relationships, our lack of understanding about the stages of love, especially biologically, cause all of us to make decisions that are based on a concept with no basis of truth, expectations without any chance of being fulfilled.

Society creates rules that are difficult to follow. Not because we are sinners, not because we're stupid; in this case we are in conflict between the social norms and our biological urges generated by the PARASYMPATHETIC SYSTEM.

So, to get back to the point, We are controlled by our instincts often without any control, this attraction leading to intense sexual arousal that we mistakenly call "LOVE" I'm going to call it "Instinctlove, prelove, pseudolove". This pseudolove is easy, hardly takes any work, it's a natural high, a sense of connection with ease and lust. But once the biological, pseudolove diminishes, the work of love begins in the stage that I'll call long term relationship love, deeper love, best friend, co parent love, "truelove." "Truelove" is a love that makes us different than most animals, the ability to use our knowledge, knowledge of past geniuses, knowledge found on the Google search engine to learn how to develop a deeper more difficult type of love. This love is work, this love is filled with ups and downs, this love waxes and wanes, this love can last forever.

"When two people are first together, their hearts are on fire and their passion is very great. After a while, the fire cools and that's how it stays. They continue to love each other, but it's in a different way-warm and dependable "(Shostak, 1981,p.268) Romantic love can be sustained in a long-term relationship, but it generally becomes less intense(Traupmann and Hatfield, 1981;Wallerstein and Blakeslee, 1995)/ And the most characteristic impermanence of early-stage, intense romantic love is most likely an adaptive mechanism.

Fisher, http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/15npolve.pdf

Andrea Parsons Psychotherapy : What I Learn From My Clients: follow up on my blog "Don't do anything today, tha...

2010-09-20T14:39:00.000-04:00

Andrea Parsons Psychotherapy : What I Learn From My Clients: follow up on my blog "Don't do anything today, tha...: "I'd love to hear some stories from people whose escapades showed up on the internet and what was the outcome of it. Positively or negativel..."

Her web site:https://sites.google.com/site/andreamparsons/Home

follow up on my blog "Don't do anything today, that you don't want to see on Youtube tomorrow!"

2010-09-20T14:32:00.003-04:00

I'd love to hear some stories from people whose escapades showed up on the internet and what was the outcome of it. Positively or negatively?

Should we start becoming more aware of our public behavior or live life to the fullest and not be concerned about what others think?

Her web site:https://sites.google.com/site/andreamparsons/Home

Men Have a Lot to Offer in a Relationship

2010-09-18T21:35:00.000-04:00

Women will often feel that they are the ones who are the more wise in their intimate relationships. We often feel that we are the experts on intimacy, communication, love and family. But we have a lot to learn from men. And we have some pretty funky traits. We don't know how to not bring up the past, forever.... We have a hard time "moving on" and "letting go". We aren't as quick to engage in make up sex and we often insist on a lot of extra "talk" before we can even be touched. We are great at talking without requiring much time to think about what we are saying. Men will think for a longer period of time before saying what they think which can often be more constructive. We beat around the bush rather than get right to the point. And women learn to not directly tell another woman what they think but rather share it with everyone else behind their back. Men want to get to the point directly and succinctly. Though it is clear that neither sex has the answer, in debating it, we certainly need men to talk more and women to listen better.

Don't do anything today, that you don't want to see on Youtube tomorrow!

2010-09-18T12:17:00.001-04:00

A male client, a corporate professional in his forties living in a small community and recently divorced came up with a good rule of thumb we could all use to more easily judge appropriateness of our actions. While out one evening for a few drinks with friends he found himself at the bar publicly displaying affections to a woman he just met. For a brief second he became aware of himself and how they must look to others and became slightly concerned if there was anyone at the bar who might know him professionally. After getting out of his "old school thinking" and realizing how widespread and quickly information can travel he really began to worry when realizing that anyone could be photographing him, worse making a movie of his PDA and sending it off to Youtube, Facebook or any networking web site, for the whole world to view! At that moment he pledged that would never do anything in a public place without first asking himself, "Would I want this being shown on Youtube for all to see?" Big brother is really watching and sharing it with anyone who wants to see it. mmmmm.....