Andy Breeden's Blog

Goofus and Gallant

2013-02-05T18:01:00.001-05:00

Goofus: "Christianity isn't a religion."

Gallant: "Neither is dementia."

Goofus: "Why do you have to ridicule my beliefs?"

Gallant: "Hey, it's not like it's a religion."

Christian Dictionary: creationism

2013-01-26T13:27:00.001-05:00

creationism

(outside the classroom context) a scientific theory of origins that deserves equal standing in our schools.
(inside the classroom context) a religious belief that you can't touch.

Christian Dictionary: genocide

2012-12-21T06:16:00.001-05:00

genocide

One of those Christian values our country was founded on.

From jobsanger blog
Click image to enlarge

It's literal "biblism" all the way down

2012-12-08T11:33:00.001-05:00

This comic is an example of the good common sense dished out over at Mighty Mag.

And oh by the way, the flood killed every living thing in very strict order according to complexity. That's why there are no rabbits in the Precambrian. The rabbits didn't start drowning until long after all the microscopic bacteria drowned and formed a layer of precambrian sediment at the bottom.

Except of course for the two bacteria Noah was carrying, probably in his naughty sack.

Stupid Evolutionist

It's creators all the way down

2012-12-08T10:55:00.001-05:00

Circular much?

That's Some Creation

2012-12-01T23:32:00.001-05:00

Ride the Stream!

2012-12-01T16:29:00.001-05:00

I haven't mentioned my mention…

As Seen on The Atheist Experience Blog!

While I'd do anything to get more attention for my brilliant, hilarious, blasphemous, and sometimes scholarly (if only just a little) ABV Bible (table of contents), The Atheist Experience's Martin Wagner wrote a nice article about me for what I seem to do best: be a smart-ass.

It's true. I sometimes grow tired of debating crazy people, and "Riding the Stream" is, for me, kind of a (p-trap) venting thing. It's a way to see the silly, not react emotionally, and not truly engage.

What is riding the stream? Martin describes it pretty well:

So there are these Christian Facebook pages (ChristiaNet is a big one, with a million and a half likes; Jesus Daily has over 14 million) that post silly little graphics like the one below, and their thousands of followers comment in exactly the way they are told.

So that’s fine. They can do that if it makes them happy. Still, the call-and-response comments pour in at such a pace that Andy figured out it would be very amusing to insert random off-color remarks, and screenshot the results before his comments could be deleted. In some cases, Andy admits to having enough of a sense of civility to delete them himself after taking the shot (“like catching a fish, taking a picture and throwing it back”), because, after all, it’s just for a giggle. Because sometimes, a giggle is a great way to let off a little steam…and even if you won’t admit it, your inner Dennis the Menace needs that every now and then.

Anyway, riding the stream has kind of caught on, and other people are doing it. Here's an example. Jesus Daily posts this…

"How many here want JESUS to return soon???"

As the thousands of "I do! I do!" comments flood in, you just insert your own, wait a few seconds, take a screen shot, and bug out.

Think Donald has already been kicked in the head?

More and more, I remove my comments after the screenshot, but I'm not sure it matters. The traffic is so high that these people must rarely see them.

Anyway, I know it's not "all that," but I got my fifteen minutes of mini-fame. Check out my Facebook album for more. Others have joined in and I try to include their screenshots too, but they're not all there - I can't keep up any more!

(I know, it's silly. But it is what it is.)

Here are other Facebookers who I know ride the stream, or at least have "experimented," in more or less chronological order…

Michael Choppa
Tommy Ryan
Nikki OptimistPrime Houser
Luke Patterson
My brother (who I'll bet prefers to not be named here)
Kristina Tine
Maya Papaya
Dan Cormier
Nathan Knibbs

And I also appreciate Angie Jackson for sharing so many "rides" and also keeping me up on who else is riding the stream. I don't get it, but I appreciate it.

Yes, it's all silly, so if you're rolling your eyes right now, that's the correct response.

He Lined His Bathroom Floor With It

2012-11-30T10:18:00.001-05:00

Caitlin Upton Weighs in on Fiscal Cliff

2012-11-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to tax cliffs because some people out there in our nation don't have cliffs, and, I believe that our taxes like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and, I believe that they should, our taxes over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children.

How to Be American

2012-11-29T14:42:00.001-05:00

They should start their own Facebook page

Republican Plan to Woo Blacks and Latinos: Ignore the Black Part

2012-11-12T19:05:00.001-05:00

Poor Republicans. I think I'm already seeing a disturbing pattern. I hope they prove me wrong, but here it is…

First, fresh from their election spanking, many among the Republican leadership appear to finally get it, and they sound like they really want to own up to their image among blacks and Latinos, and they're ready to address their live-or-die need to improve that image.

Second, they self-righteously (but, so far, still pretty awkwardly) talk about their quick-react plan regarding Latinos. They boast about real immigration reform and they boast about their willingness to admit that, yes indeed, there are hard working, productive Latinos. And they're ready to provide hard working, productive Latinos (with squeaky clean records) magic work cards that can't be fraudulently used (implying, of course, that immigrants would fucking abuse them if they fucking could abuse them).

(Note to Republicans: Not all Latinos in America are illegal immigrants. A whole bunch of them are Americans.)

Third, nothing.

Notice anything?

What happened to the black part? Where's the Republican soul-searching regarding their failings with the black community? Where's that quick-react plan? Why aren't Republicans patting themselves on the back and boasting "Hey! We get it now! Just like real…er…other Americans, black people only want a fair shot!"

(By the way Republicans, all Americans deserve equal opportunities. And equal opportunities should lead to equal outcomes.)

I'm afraid that, in the back of their minds, Republicans think their only problem with black Americans is that they voted for Obama because he's black. It had nothing to do with issues. Nothing you can do about that. You just have to wait it out.

Does anyone know what percentage of the black vote Allen West got?

So anyway… Latinos, keep an eye on Republicans and their attitude toward blacks, the black community, and black interests and issues. It could save you a lot of trouble in the long run.

I heard Lindsay Graham talking about requiring English proficiency tests.
I thought he meant for immigrants, but now I'm not so sure.

A Wiggle in High School, Part 1 - The High Life

2012-11-10T17:18:00.001-05:00

When I was in high school, the legal drinking age was 18, but if you were 17, you could take your chances the drive-thru liquor store, and your chances were about 50-50. And if they did ask for proof of age, you could just drive off. Short and sweet, and completely devoid of that awkward, shameful, empty-handed walk from the cashier's counter back to the car.

But oh, the drive-thru liquor store, with it's drunken drive-thru liquor store cashiers. As timid and completely devoid of backbone as I was, even I could still handle the drive-thru liquor store. And about half the time, I drove off with the goods. Those days, the goods could be Southern Comfort, Wild Turkey, or Jim Beam. But most of all, we drank beer.

Now if you weren't yet 17, your chances of scoring alcohol - even at the drive-thru liquor store - weren't very good. Not unless you had a mustache or something, and I certainly didn't have a mustache. Or something.

So, at 16 and in need of beer, your best chance back then was to network. You had to know a junior or senior who could get you your beer. Sometimes, an older brother or maybe an uncle would do the trick. (And sometimes even a church deacon!) Nobody in my family would buy me beer, but I had older friends. And I also had friends with older brothers. All in all, my network was OK. I worked on it. Kept the relationships greased. Whatever it took.

My beer network began with the older kids in the high school jazz band. I was 15 at the time. Out of four trumpet players, I was the fourth. "Fourth trumpet." The first and second trumpets (David and Ronnie) usually picked me up and took me to our performances. On one of those trips, I discovered the wonders of Miller High Life.

"You can handle a quart, can't you?" David asked. David was bigger than me, but, looking back, he didn't look like he could handle a quart.

"Sure," I said, trying not to look anxious. Or excited. After all, I was about to encounter The High Life. The Champagne of Beers.

As I recall, it took everything I had in order to drink The Champagne of Beers without grimacing. I drank the whole damn quart, too. I don't remember being drunk, but I do remember trying real hard to act drunk.

Yep, that was a good night. We were performing at a circus at our high school, in a big circus tent erected on the P.E. field, with real circus animals and real circus acts. And there were shitty student skits, too. The whole evening was a cacophony of beer breath, saliva (where there are trumpets, there's saliva), smelly animals, and shitty student skits.

It was a weeknight and in the stands may have been 35 people, all of whom must have been parents of the student conscripted into the service of shitty skits in the center ring. The only ring, for that matter.

We were there - that is, the high school jazz band was there - to play music between circus acts. Oddly, during one of our sets, the music director called for Maynard Ferguson's rendition of Hey Jude, which began with a fourth trumpet solo. That's me! My solo! I'm Fourth Trumpet! He never called for Hey Jude. He never, ever called for Hey Jude! Hell, we only played it a few times in rehearsals. I knew it had something to do with the that first sheet of music with my call sign in big bold letters at the top. Fourth Trumpet Solo. We avoided playing or even rehearsing that song…because of me. That solo scared the shit out of me, and of all the musical instruments in the world, the trumpet is the least forgiving when it comes to hiding your fear. The trumpet announces your fear and blasts it in shaky, off pitch, things. Things that almost sound like notes. Musical notes. Almost. Goddamn it, that solo scared me.

But not that night! That night, I was emboldened by The High Life. And that night, I put my ephemeral brazened heart into that goddamn song. I was the brass man's Paul McCartney.

Hey Juuuuude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad sooooong, and make it beh-eh-eh-tter.

The band director, a fearful perfectionist and expert asshole, looked up at me in the middle of my solo, as I serenaded those 35 lucky parents. His eyes were intense, and I could just barely distinguish impressed look from his other look - his asshole look. I was nailing that goddamned song, and I knew that he knew I was nailing it.

Much later, in fact years later, I was finally willing to myself the truth. I was willing to admit that our asshole band director was probably thinking, "Why the hell did I call for Hey Jude? God, that fucker's flat again."

My first beer. My first and last trumpet solo. Such is The High Life.

Skeptic's Annotated Bible in Hardcover!

2012-11-09T18:11:00.001-05:00

I don't get to work on my version of the Bible as much as I want to, but when I do, believe it or not it takes a little research. One of my primary sources is the online Skeptic's Annotated Bible, by Steve Wells, who is also author of the blog Dwindling in Unbelief.

Well, guess what? The Skeptic's Annotated Bible is coming out in hardcover! Now I can go door to door with my bicycle, in white shirt and tie, and a buddy, to spread the word of man!

No wait, that's Mormonism. I guess I can't do that until he prints his Skeptic's Annotated Book of Mormon. Oh well. Until then, this is awesome.

Get your own Bible, Fartknocker

Republicans I Like, I Think

2012-11-05T15:45:00.001-05:00

If I had a regular reader, he or she might ask me "Why is it, Andy, that you're writing about politics in your anti-theist blog?" That's a good question, and the answer is because fuck you, that's why.

So…

Today, I found myself feeling bad for Republican Steve Schmidt. Why? Because today, ThinkProgress posted an article titled McCain Strategist Admits Voter Fraud 'Doesn't Really Exist.' That McCain strategist is Steve Schmidt, and I'm betting that he's not exactly one of the darlings of today's Far Right Evangelical Teabag Testicle Republican party. And the ThinkProgress article, albeit very short and basically just quoting Schmidt, isn't going to help. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you, but those ball-dippers have a way of harassing, eating, and decimating other conservatives who aren't playing ball juuuuust exactly according to script(ure).

But that's not why I felt bad for Steve Schmidt. I felt bad for him because ThinkProgress says he "admits" there's no real voter fraud. (By the way, I'm pretty sure they only mean that one kind of voter fraud where someone fraudulently impersonates a valid voter in person come election time. They don't mean all those other kinds of voter fraud that actually happen and can actually make a difference.) I don't like that ThinkProgress uses the word "admit." They make it sound like Schmidt finally came clean or something. Sure, most of the Republican party probably thinks voter impersonation fraud is rampant (the ball gaggers) or at least politically expedient (the rest of the party), but there are, in fact, a few Republicans who aren't crazy. Or at least one or two.

Of course Schmidt thinks voter impersonation fraud is virtually non-existent. Why? Because he's not crazy. In fact, he's one of the few Republicans I like. And by "few," I think I mean "two." Of course, it's not like I like Schmidt because of his politics. But I do like him because of his character. At least the character that comes across on TV when he's surrounded by MSNBC's cadre of liberals like Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, Ed Schultz, Chris Hayes, etc. And I like the way he smiles while MSNBC's Ed Schultz goes off on some liberal rant (that I usually agree with, or want to agree with) right in front of him. By the way, I also like that Schultz can even rant like that right there in front of Smilin' Steve Schmidt. It's kind of uncomfortably cool.

Oh, and I also like the character of the Steve Schmidt character in that HBO movie when he told off the character-lacking Sarah Palin character. That was awesome. I gotta get HBO.

Anyway, I got to thinking, who is that other Republican that I think I might like? Let's see…

John McCain? No, he's off my list. He ejected his self-respect in 2010. The poor man is in a continuous battle trying to out crazy the crazies. And besides, McCain (and not Schmidt) is ultimately responsible for Sarah Palin. You betcha.
Michelle Bachman? Ba ha ha ha ha!! I'm just fucking with you. (Then again, she *is* in a gay marriage.)
Chris Christie? He's OK when he's "Jersey," but I know my Christie crush won't even last as long as his already fading bromance with Barry, that dreamy guy who has his own helicopter.
Colin Powell? Yeah, like he's really a Republican.
Michael Steele? That's it! Michael Steele! I can stomach Michael Steele! Sometimes. Or at least one time I did. I think he said something recently that wasn't crazy. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him.

By the way, John Sununu will tell you that I (kind of) like Michael Steele because we're both black. (Joke's on you, John. We're not black! At least I'm not. You'll have to ask Steele if he is.) On the other hand, Ann Coulter will tell you that I (kind of) like Michael Steele because I feel guilty about my inner racist. She's right. That is, she's right, if by "my inner racist," she means "she herself is a psychopath whose lips flap in the breeze causing crazy to flee from her throat." If not, then she's wrong.

So that's it. I think I like Republicans Steve Schmidt and Michael Steele. Probably.

I bet the intellectual giants affectionately known as Far Right Nut Baggers (or whatever) don't like Schmidt or Steele because they're both substantive conservative pundits (translation: token Republicans) on that evil, elite, intellectual MSNBC channel (except for the shows Prison and Lockup).

Back to Steve Schmidt. Nice guy, but I'll never forgive Schmidt for his part in bringing us Sarah Palin. (WTF, Steve?). Then again, Game Change is an awesome movie, I'll bet.

Christian Dictionary: morality

2012-10-30T14:26:00.001-04:00

(By Deity Shmeity's Grundy, The Prime Rib Mover.)

morality

objectively right behavior.
doing as God says, not as He does.
heterosexuality.

Christian Dictionary: Big Bang Theory

2012-10-30T13:52:00.001-04:00

(With Deity Shmeity's Grundy, The Prime Rib Mover.)

Big Bang Theory

scientific term for that "in the beginning" stuff in Genesis.
another nuisance that's getting harder and harder to deny, therefore...
proof that the Kalām cosmological argument is better than that stupid, plain old cosmological argument.
cosmic caused-cause caused by uncaused-cause, just because.
television show for nerds.

Christianity for Other Dummies

2012-09-25T11:01:00.000-04:00

Now that's just mean

Genesis 6:9-13, God Damns Those Goddamned People

2012-09-25T10:41:00.001-04:00

Since God^a was all in love with Noah and all, you should know a little bit about the generations of Noah and what it was like back then. Noah was the only righteous and blameless man of his time. Sure, he got bare-ass naked and piss-face drunk every now and then, but Jesus Christ, the rest of humanity was a shit fest compared to this good man.

You see, Noah walked with God, which of course is holy-speak for saying Noah was really, really close to God. At least when he wasn't passed out cold, drunk, and naked.

Now Noah had rolled his fat ass over on top of his wife three times and somehow managed to begat himself three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth. They're not important right now, but whatever. You've been told.

So the earth was corrupt in God's^b sight, and filled with violence. And God saw that the earth was corrupt in his sight, filled with violence, blah blah blah, and that all flesh had corrupted their way over all the earth.

And God said to Noah, "Noah, all human flesh has made the earth a very violent place, and I fucking hate violence, so I'm going to kill every living thing. There was a time when I really thought my creation was good. Well, I'm fucking taking that back as of right fucking now. I'm gonna destroy the whole fucking, ungrateful, violent earth."

And Noah thought to himself, "Holy shit, I need a drink."

---
a. Or, Yahweh.
b. Or, Elohim. Seriously. We changed Gods. Just fix it in post.

Christian Dictionary: free will

2012-09-20T11:48:00.001-04:00

free will

the ability to live according to personal choices without coercion, and to burn in hell for making the wrong ones.

Caitlin Upton Defends Paul Ryan

2012-09-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

When it comes to telling the truth, I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have facts, and, I believe that our information like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and, I believe that they should, our information over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children.

Every Rapist's Sperm is Sacred

2012-08-23T07:48:00.001-04:00

I'm against abortions in cases of rape because I personally believe that U.S. rapists are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh. . . people out there in our nation don't have rapes and, uh, I believe that our, uh, abortions like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our abortions over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

Rape-related pregnancy issue solved. Next issue, please?

2012-08-22T08:36:00.000-04:00

Just take a "mourning after" pill and you'll be fine. You won't get pregnant, so stop crying. At least you had sex.

Christian Dictionary: hate

2012-08-21T19:05:00.001-04:00

hate

to have no belief in; refuse or reject belief in: atheists are people who hate God.

If he's not an "ignorant of America [sic] history," then nobody is

2012-08-20T17:46:00.001-04:00

Hey, it's not my fault these idiots didn't pay attention in high school.

*Faithpalm*

If you're a glutton for punishment, here's the whole nasty bundle of nasty bundled stuff.

Especially religious governments...

2012-08-19T12:00:00.001-04:00

From MoveOn.org