eye on moscow

Russian Online Translator at Moscow Cafe

2011-12-28T15:16:00.001+04:00

"I am sorry I am late," said Vanya, "I was standing in the corks for twenty minutes. There was a broken fatherland produced in front of me that was just standing there. I generally do not understand. Once you sit in a foreign brand you never go back".

"How affairs?" asked Dusya. "Silently," replied Vanya.

"What will you be?" asked Dusya. "I will probably only be tea," reddened Vanya, "I am from home."

"Has your roof driven away?" asked Dusya. "We are here to congratulate expensive Aunt Vera with her day of birth, you can't just tea! She wanted as usual to invite everyone over and make under the fur coat, but I suggested she relax with just us this year."

"You are right," said Vanya, "to walk, thus to walk, where is the menu... and where is Aunt Vera?"

"She just called. She is also standing in corks with the whole city and will be in a few minutes."

"True that she is walking to the left with Uncle Kolya? And it's only been 2 months from Uncle Borya... the Kingdom of Heaven to him," asked Vanya.

"Just because Aunt Vera and Uncle Kolya live on one play-field and are one classers does not mean that they are walking to the left. And, generally, we should not speak of this on her birthday, even if he did liken himself to her when they were in the 6th class. And even if we know that he is a person with a hi. I was once in his quarters and it was a brothel with under ears and lower whites all over the floor. He needs order."

"Basically, I am hungry," said Vanya, "what will you be?"

"I will probably be pasta and soup, what will you be?"

"I will probably be sushi. Japanese kitchen likens itself to me. Can you call Aunt Vera and ask her when she will be? I am very sorry, but I will probably need to flush myself in about an hour. At me is an important affair."

"You can't dump right away! Basically, you must at least wish her with her day of birth."

"Did you order the cake? Did you order a desire on it?"

"'Just, 'With your day of birth.'"

"'Original, why not, 'With the Light Steam', or 'With the Defenders of the Fatherland Day'"?

"Very funny."

"Among other things," asked Vanya,"how much do you normally give the waiter for tea?"

I heartfully commit this blog to my friend Eugene Shulgin, Google Translate's #1 rooter. Google Translate removes need for human intelligence. This blog is fiction, purely neighing.

What did you understand from this conversation?

What didn't you understand?

What would you like to add?

How do you feel about Google translate?

Is it possible to understand the Russian language?

Comment below!

A Short History of Russian Presidential Sport

2011-10-25T18:09:00.001+04:00

This blog entry is the result of countless hours of study surrounding politics and its effect on sports in the Russian Federation. Yesterday morning I woke up and found out that President Medvedev had blogged about a new sports fad. That's when my research team and I got down to the nitty-gritty of researching our national sport infatuations and their presidential sources.

It all began in 1989 with the fall of the Berlin Wall in Germany. One thing led to another, and before you knew it, Boris Yeltsin became the president of Russia and the former General Secretary of the Union of Soviet Socialistic Republics, Mikhael Gorbachev, began doing Pizza Hut commercials. My understanding is that up until that time, most Russians had never been personally involved in any sports except gymnastics, figure skating, dancing in too-toos as "swans", ice hockey, and boxing Sylvester Stallone. But with the birth of a new era, came a breath of fresh air with the introduction of tennis to the general Russian population. The mouthpiece of this new wave of individual sport (admittedly, sometimes also played in doubles) was none other than the first popularly elected president of the Russian Federation, Boris Yeltsin. At first, it wasn't so noticeable, but then it became less unnoticeable as more people started playing. That last sentence was just for giggles.

Some sports can not trace their popularity in Russia to Yeltsin's fondness of them:

Parents all across Russia's formerly 11 time zones began signing up their children for tennis lessons. This was all done in a no nonsense businesslike fashion as we all immediately understood that for our children to truly become powerful in Russia, it was important for them to have a developed backhand. Rates for court time and tennis lessons skyrocketed and demand for tennis racquets (why is spell check telling me that's wrong. "Racket" is an annoying noise or extortion of money from legitimate business people by threat or violence- which undoubtedly is a sport of its own in this nation) and short sport skirts shot through the roof. This was the same national craze that produced such powerful political movements as glasnost and Anna Kournikova (this claim requires additional citation for verification).

In unrelated news, it was around this same time that it was suggested that the World Cup of Baseball be played in Russia. However, this plan proved impossible, as it was soon discovered that although millions of baseball bats had been sold around Russia, not a single ball could be found.

As was widely reported, President Yeltsin became tired in 1999 and highly recommended that we all vote in Vladimir Putin. The public heartily agreed, naturally assuming that Mr. Putin would carry on in his predecessor's passion for the game formerly known as "lawn tennis". I mean, all that investment in lessons would assuredly now result in tennis savvy youth finding a future in the Party that was to become known as "United Russia".

At least that was what we all thought. But as it turned out, the "Winds of Change" did not stop blowing with the Scorpions and Mr. Putin had a mind of his own. In unrelated news, Mr. Putin began taking off his shirt on television all the time.

Some people might disapprove of a Head of State insisting on taking off his (or her, in the case of Angela Merkel) shirt all the time for television cameras. However, if I were a male type president and buff, like Mr. Putin, I would do the same thing. Because you have to admit, that's pretty awesome.

Sadly, I am not a Head of State. And when I take off my shirt, people start asking me if I've ever seen the movie "Austin Powers". Definitely, not material for the evening newscast.

But with Putin came skiing:

And judo:

I also think it's pretty awesome for a Head of State to show how awesome he is by displaying his judo skills to the general populace.

I am not exaggerating when I say that these two sports went absolutely nuts in popularity after we saw the president hit the powder and perform some body slams on the evening news.

Later on, Putin was no longer President and he suggested that we all vote for a man named President Dmitriy Medvedev. The Russian voting population heartily agreed with this recommendation and voted in President Dmitriy Medvedev. For president.

And the question on all of our minds was, what sport would he introduce to us?

I guess I was thinking of horse racing. Sadly, that idea had already been taken on by the now disgraced former mayor of Moscow, Yuri Luzhkov. And with President Dmitriy Medvedev recently heartily recommending that we all vote for a certain Mr. Putin for President in the upcoming elections, I think we were all left wondering which sport were we supposed to become enamored with?

President Medvedev was not without action during his tenure. Indeed he took away 2 of Russia's 11 time zones, thus making travel from Kaliningrad to the Pacific Ocean significantly shorter. He also changed the name of the police from militia to, er, police. Also, he took away daylight's saving time. I am not joking. If I could do these things I would do them just because I could. Because that is all truly awesome.

But what about Medvedev and sports? Well, President Medvedev put away all confusion about what sport we were all to pursue with yesterday's resounding advocacy of...

Wait, first I have to tell you this story. You see, I should have seen which way the wind was blowing this summer when I had the grand idea of renting a dacha. My new dacha neighbor and I quickly became friends. He was an athletic guy, a real lover of all kinds of sports. One day, however, he caught me a little off guard when he came from his back yard to my back yard and with a quiet confidence told me that "if I ever wanted to come over, he had a couple badminton racquets, and the two of us could play." I am ashamed to say that I didn't cover my facial expression in time. I tried to recover both our dignity by saying with authority that badminton is the fastest sport at the Summer Olympics. To which my neighbor replied, "But what about riflery?" Let's just say we both acted like that conversation never happened for the rest of the summer.

I don't have a problem with playing badminton. I love any kind of competition. However, my neighbor didn't have a net. And the thought of two grown men chasing around a shuttlecock with no competition somehow seemed strange to me. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Yes, you guessed it! We now know. Yesterday, we indeed received word from the Presidential sports headquarters that we are all to be playing badminton now. Here is the video. If you watch until 2:29 you will see Putin join in on our new national pastime (they play with a net as a competition, so no problems here). At 2:45 Mr. Putin is replaced by Mr. Putin's Badminton Stunt Double. I have taken the time not to translate any of Mr. Medvedev's speech about the history and qualities of badminton.

You know, it's really a lot of fun. And it kind of shows the "heart of Russia". I mean, can you imagine Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi playing a game of one-on-one for the television cameras and then giving a speech about its merits? Why not? Because your nation's politics are boring.

And for us, it looks like badminton for now and back to judo and skiing next spring.

Nuances of Russian Police Document Check 101

2011-04-30T10:30:00.000+04:00

Welcome to part 2 of our 2 part series "Nuances of... 101" which in itself consists of an introduction and then 2 parts.

Introduction:

Now that you know how and when to say "Hello" and "Hi" you're ready to hit the streets of Russia and get your documents checked by the police or the road police. Yes, that's right, the police. Until ever so recently, the police were the militia, but now they are simply known as the police. The road police were known as ГАИ (that's short for "Government Automobile Inspection"), ДПС ("Road Patrol Service"), and my personal favorite: ГИБДД ("Government Inspection of Safety of Road Movement"). Perhaps someday they will follow in the steps of famed recording artist Prince and be known simply as an unpronouncable symbol.

I think I mean to translate that to mean "Safety of Movement on the Road". Indeed, the road is never safe if it is moving.

So, now that you have established that the road is not moving and you are, make sure you put all of your documents in your pocket (or purse, if you are a woman, or murse if you are a Russian man) before you step out of the house. Depending on your situation, this would include things like your passport, visa, driver's license, driver's license translation (notarized original copies only, please), immigration card, registration papers, residency documents, 3rd grade 2nd semester report card, and a few pictures of your small children (if applicable).

Keep in mind that copies of documents are not documents. This will be quickly pointed out to you during a document check if you were thoughtless enough to think that Xerox is part of the Foreign Affairs department of your particular nation. Also, in the event of lack of proper identification, the police can detain you for up to 72 hours in order to "установить личности" (establish personality). I mean, identify. That happened once to my friends whom, for the sake of this blog, I will call "Ed and Jon". Happily, another friend, whom, for the sake of this blog, we will call "Avgust" was kind enough to drive to "Ed and Jon's" homes and pick up their real passports and bring them back only an hour or so into their incarceration.

The first thing to keep in mind is that the document check will depend largely on your personal appearance. The main tip here is don't try too hard. In most major Russian cities the only people wearing fur hats anymore are visitors from distant villages, the elderly, and tourists. I suppose you can't do too much about your skin color, but if you look like you are from Central Asia or Caucasian (as in "from the Caucusus" not as in "White Nation") there is a good chance you'll get your documents checked today.

Great! Now that you know what not to wear and which paperwork to carry, let's go outside for a document check.

The best way to find out if you forgot any papers is to step out of your house and walk up to the nearest available law enforcement personnel person and offer them a hearty "Привет!" accompanied with an equally inappropriate bear hug.

It happened to me not too long ago. I was walking down the street, just minding my own "П's" and "Й's" when I noticed a policeman seating a young man in his car who was, unhappily, unable to do anything about his Central Asian features. This ever so slightly conflicted with my values and I made the main mistake you shouldn't make if you don't want to have your documents checked. That brings us the Main Law for Avoiding Getting Your Documents Checked: Never Make Eye Contact With The Policeman or Road Policeman.

Yes, never look at a policeman. I have overwhelming empirical proof that doing so will result in a document check. Driving past a road policeman? Look at everything in all of creation except the policeman. Of course, at the same time you must look at him out of the corner of your eye just in case he does want to pull you over anyway. I find that now that even when I visit my native land it is ingrained me to avoid all eye contact with all law enforcement personnel.

And that's exactly what I did. Since my sense of justice had been ever so slightly encroached upon I made eye contact with said Mr. Policeman (formerly it was proper to address them as "Comrade Militia Man", now it is "Mr. Policeman). Mr. Policeman walked up to me with the same smug look that I would have if I had such a smart looking uniform accompanied by an automatic assault weapon draped around my neck and said, "Let's check your documents, too." I would have been less offended if he hadn't said "too". Apparently, taking offense on behalf of the young man with Central Asian features sitting in the cruiser found its limits when Mr. Policeman suggested I share those Central Asian features. Somehow my indignation is not as righteous as I would like it to be. Or perhaps I'm just a little sensitive about my bushy eyebrows that have somehow lost their appeal since the glory days when Comrade Breshnev was at the helm of the Red Empire.

All in all, I feel I did well with this particular document check. I used my latest and greatest document check strategy: The Strategy of Staring Blankly with what some Russians describe as the "square eyes". Yes, I want to help you by giving you my papers to look at. No, my elevator is not the sharpest in the drawer and no my knife does not stop at all the floors. Yes, it's up to you to guess whether I speak a word of Russian or not.

To my amazement, since using this technique, not a single law enforcement officer has asked me if I speak Russian or not. I just stare blankly, grunting or nodding my head if necessary. They then eventually hand me back my papers and off I go.

Part 1: What to do?

Here are a few more of my favorite past techniques when having documents checked:

1) Demanding a translator in perfect Russian. This worked for traffic police stops until I got a Russian driver's license where my name is spelled "Endryu".

2) Pretending to fall asleep. This worked well in the middle of the night once at a road police post. I asked for a seat and pretended to nod off while the policeman kept repeating their favorite question: "Что делать будем?"

3) Being totally relaxed and talking about everything in life with the policeman as if he is not checking my documents.

4) Smiling, nodding, and agreeing totally with whatever the policeman says. This works especially well if you actually did break a law. You might be the first person to do this in this particular policeman's career. Even if you get fined, it's worth the look you will get in return.

Part 2: What NOT to Do?

And a few things I've learned it's best NOT to do either by observation or personal experience:

1) Offering a bribe. It's interesting to watch even the most self-righteous Westerners give in and pay a bribe. It's been at least ten years since a policeman asked me for a bribe. They don't have to because Comrade Citizens are all too eager to offer on their own. Fact is, the way to stopping corruption begins with you, the potential client.

2) Getting all huffy and self-righteous. You just look nervous and unsure of yourself.

3) Threatening to call the US State Department or a lawyer. You better be sure you can back this up or you will end up looking pretty silly.

4) Pretending to speak Russian poorly. I don't recommend this one. Very few people who speak well can actually pull it off. One good friend attempted this one and ended up on camera with an English speaking local news reporter who happened to be filming the road police at work.

What about you? What is your favorite document checking experience? What do you do when your documents are checked? How does this makes you feel? Comment below!

Nuances of Russian Greeting 101 or how not to be a Человек с приветом

2011-04-17T19:21:00.002+04:00

One of the first questions guests have when planning to go to Russia is how to say "Hello". Unhappily, the answer is "Здравствуйте" (pronounced... hmmm, something like Zdravst-voo-tye). The bold guest will make several brave attempts at popular pronunciation before asking the local, "Isn't there another way to say it?". The local in question will then invariably mention that you can say "Привет" (Pronounced "pree-vyet", and make it only two syllables, please), which means "Hi", but not "Hello". Our intrepid guest will be happily shocked by this turn of events because he (or she) will immediately recognize that it is easier to say "Pree-vyet" (even if it is only two syllables) than to say "Hello" in Russian which, for some reason, is a sound akin to a controlled sneeze.

Our unsuspecting language teacher will then feel inclined, without exception, to give a frantic lesson on proper use of "Привет". They will say that "Привет" should only be used:

1) With people that you know really well, and since you just walked through passport control at Shermyetevo, that is nobody.

2) Or small children. Which you better have a good reason for walking around Russia starting greeting random children left and right.

3) Or if you are wearing Wranglers, a wrinkly t-shirt, a baseball cap with styrofoamish material in the front and netlike material in the back, white socks, and white sneakers, and are going to only be in a touristy area of the Russian Federation (Arbat street or, uh, Arbat street, or oh yeah, the Hermitage, which incidentally is sadly not the residence of a recluse), just don't worry about it, everyone will understand and take no offense at you greeting them so casually as long as you take no offense at their price gouging for a stacking doll featuring Lenin or, uh, Lennon.

"Привет" means "hi". In my native nation of the United States of America, I pretty much feel comfortable saying "Hi" to just about anyone. However, "Hi" in Russian is more informal. It's more like "S'going down, rockdawg?" or "Whassup, dogmeat?", which are not greetings you would use while conversing with Heads of State, bishops, or applying for a bank loan. Unless, of course, you are applying for a loan and you are Snoop Dogg.

Speaking of bishops. There is a bishop here in Moscow who I see from time to time. Well, he started saying "Привет" to me. I interpreted this to mean that the bishop wanted a less formal relationship. I would always reply with a "Здравствуйте", but then I turned the situation over in my mind a few times and decided that I should also be friendly. Well, I recently changed the tires on my car from winter (studded) tires to summer (non-studded) tires. I was carrying two of my winter (studded) tires to storage, which is a bit of a clumsy affair. As I awkwardly rounded a corner carrying these two tires, I ran into the bishop and said "Привет!". Well, the bishop kind of broke eye contact and said "Здравствуйте". Then I saw my mistake. He had some kind of assistant with him and it wasn't proper for me to suggest that we were so familiar in another person's presence. If only I could see around corners I would have saved us all a lot of embarrassment.

Of course, I'm totally guessing how everyone felt in that situation. Coming right out and asking would have somehow compounded the awkwardness.

I've found when I'm unsure how to greet I can always stick with a "Good Morning", "Good Day", or "Good Evening", which is nice for both friends and enemies. I mean friends of formal relationship. However, I've found some good Russian friends to be somewhat anal retentive about which parts of the day constitute morning, noon, or evening. I even found that if some saw my "good morning" to be too late in the day, they understood that I was in general a lazy person who tarries too long in the sack during the morning hours, nevermind the fact that due to my four small children I get up earlier than just about anyone I know in Russia.

Most of these problems of formal and non-formal and times of day are learned quickly enough. However, the main disease of all Americans in learning Russian is a complete inability to control themselves from over greeting. You see, and this is the Main Unappealable Law of Russian Greeting: Never Greet One Person More Than Once In One Day. There is only one gray area in this law. It seems that if you spoke by telephone and there was a greeting then it it is okay to greet again in that same day when meeting in person.

Ah, but we Americans can't help ourselves now, can we? "Hello!", "Hi!", "Привет!", "Hey!", "How're ya doin'?" (without having a care in the world about the possible answer), ""Sup?", "Mornin'!", "Top of the Day to you, fine sir!". It goes on and on. Every time we see someone we want to greet them. We want to smile at them. Indeed, we deeply desire to establish a point of international solidarity.

To all of this nonsense there is only one Russian response, "Mы уже с Вами здоровались." In English, that means something like, "Could you please wipe that perpetual smirk off your face? Have you even looked outside at the weather today? There is no point to greeting more than once a day, and you look like a crazy person tenaciously torturing me with your "Привет!" every five minutes, so please give me a break in your language learning experience because you're scaring me into thinking that you are a "Человек с приветом".

What about you? Are you an American in Russia who can't seem to stop greeting everyone constantly? Are you a Russian who can't understand why Americans don't take off their gloves to shake hands? Any other awkward greeting stories? What is the solution to this international catastrophe? Be sure to comment below.

Moscow Parking

2011-02-13T23:02:00.000+03:00

Moscow is legendary for its traffic, but what about parking? Well, the new Moscow mayor is working hard on relieving the parking situation downtown. However, it's not just a downtown issue. Parking in our own neighborhood on the edge of the city can also be a bit of a challenge. Enjoy eyeonmoscow's first video blog as I look to park while returning home in the evening. As one blogger profoundly stated: "They built a city. After that, people started buying cars."

Moscow Mayoral Memories

2010-09-22T14:00:00.001+04:00

As rumors swirl around Russia's capital regarding the nearly imminent sacking of Mayor Luzhkov, I believe it is important for all of us to take a little walk down memory lane, and say to each other, "Wow, now that was a mayor who knew how to wear jewelry."

Think of your city's mayor, wherever he or she is right now. Here is a photo of my hometown mayor.

Yes, this is the great Mayor Don L. Robart of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. Look at his picture. Yes, that's right. If you need a keynote speaker for your Jaycees meeting then Mayor Robart is your man. I say that with complete confidence although I have no idea what Jaycees do.

But could Mayor Don L. Robart of Cuyahoga Falls dare to have his picture taken with Luzhkov's bling? That's right. It wouldn't work, but for Luzhkov it does. Or at least did.

Mayor Luzhkov has held Moscow in the stranglehold of his political domain for 18 years. Are you gasping? I am. It's quite a feat to have led this mega-city through the wild 90's and into the 2000's.

I wonder if some Muscovites are simply tired of seeing Mayor Luzhkov every day and just want change. I mean how many ribbon cuttings with the same major character can you watch on the evening news?

I think we all agree that Luzhkov has had his time at the helm of this world class city and it's time to let a new generation of forward minded thinkers take over the task of curing Moscow of its traffic problems.

At least in America, we don't let people stay in power so long. That's why we have term limits and everything.

Well maybe except for Mayor Robart. He has been the mayor of Cuyahoga Falls since I was but a 10 year old lad. That was 1986.

Moscow Pigeon Club

2010-04-21T17:28:00.003+04:00

A high concentration of people in a small area makes our most varying differences and interests more visible to each other. People watching in Moscow can indeed be fascinating.

Upon moving into our apartment in Moscow I noticed a strange large metal green structure outside our building.

It appeared to perform some use as storage space, but I could not imagine for what. I decided to inspect a little closer and found a most intriguing sign fastened to the metal frame:

"Moscow City Society of Nature Protection: PIGEON BREEDERS' KENNEL CLUB".

Although I have been to many places around the world and seen many things this was my very first pigeon breeders' kennel club, so I was delighted a few days later to see that this metal contraption was not just a relic of a distant Soviet hobby, but a living, breathing, thriving pigeon breeders' kennel club.

I could watch from my eleventh floor window every day as a small group of men would walk in and out of the pigeon kennel, release the birds, watch them fly for hours, sometimes whistling, sometimes waving a flag on a giant stick, and then somehow managing to convince the pigeons to return to their cage.

Sasha is one of the pigeon kennel's most active participants. My main question for Sasha was what motivates him to come out almost every day to watch the pigeons fly. I was waiting for a financial response, but instead Sasha said, "They fly beautifully. I like how they fly. They go up really high, you can barely see them, and they can fly for up to two hours at a time."

It turns out that there was a time when there were many pigeon clubs around Moscow, and they were government supported. However, with the introduction of a market economy and a need for more high rise apartment construction the pigeon clubs were left to fend for themselves financially and whenever a pigeon kennel was removed to make way for a high rise, the government never provided a new location for the kennel.

Indeed, that is what happened to Sasha's kennel in another neighborhood which led him to join the pigeon club outside my apartment building.

It seems that pigeonry in modern Moscow has its share of ups and downs with not only the financial factors to deal with, but also the medical. Apparently, last year one of the pigeons had become a little too familiar with the regular street pigeon riff raff, resulting in an epidemic that left only 5 of the then 70 pigeons living.

Sasha invited me in for a tour of the inside of the kennel.

The expected odor was surprisingly not overpowering, and the neatly arranged boxes housing the pigeons who were laying eggs testified to the hard work and passion of Sasha and the other kennel breeders.

"When the eggs hatch," Sasha said, "we then see who flies, and the others go to the market." The costs of running the kennel are covered by such sales.

As a side note, I found that if you run a pigeon kennel you run into all kinds of interesting people to talk to as you watch the birds fly around in circles around your head. I suppose it's kind of like when people only smile at you when you are pushing a baby in a stroller or walking a dog.

This elderly gentleman stopped by and we engaged in a conversation on the subject of what is happiness.

He said, "I have been studying for seventy years and I think what is the point of it all? I have seen so many perestroikas in my life it's unbelievable. And why do they say they are having the perestroika? For the happiness of the people! Happiness is family, but all I see is separation and divorce." He went on to explain that he is a scholar and that he still works removing electrons from atoms. "You know what we call that?" he asked with relish, "a striptease!"

There used to be many pigeon clubs in Moscow and now, according to Sasha, the number has been reduced to a total of about five. A lady walking by said that there is now a plan to build underground parking where this pigeon kennel stands, and she hopes that the pigeon club will be a reason to stop the city government in their plans.

Let's hope that the seemingly unstoppable construction in this city and the fight for each square foot of land and real estate can find common ground with the unique interests of individuals such as Sasha.

With No Buckeye Barns, It Makes You Think

2010-03-15T11:37:00.003+03:00

I can remember the Chinese professors who visited my home as a child. After we showed them around, they asked how many families live here? We thought our house wasn't so big for a family of seven, but they saw things from an entirely different perspective.

Moscow real estate prices are famously among the most expensive in the world. Today, an average square meter of Moscow residential real estate will run you roughly $4000 (this figure swings, mainly upward, on more variables than I care to mention). Suddenly, the economics force you to carefully consider how you will put that pricey spot of real estate to use.

This makes for an interesting formula: expensive real estate = less space = more thinking about how to use said space. Cities generally include some of the most expensive real estate and therefore subsequently the most consideration of space saving solutions and thought of what is really necessary to buy and store and what is not a need at all.

The Ikea store in Moscow has taken this situation to heart as evidenced in their display titled “My 25 square meters”. In this display the Swedish furniture giant shows how its furniture and space saving devices make a 25 square meter apartment comfortable and certainly not devoid of storage.

Of course, expensive cities have no corner on the market for valuing space as I recently noted in a visit to a Nenets' chum not far from Salekhard, in northern Siberia. The chum, roughly 20 feet in diameter could have slept 15 easily. However, there were no couches, refrigerators (for obvious reasons), closets, and so on. The TV and DVD player run off a generator in the corner did betray a potential future need for even the Nenets to consider how to use their precious space.

Our family of six is renting a 100 square meter apartment (roughly 1100 square feet). It really seems quite roomy as our old flat in Perm was 80 square meters. In our current 100 square meters here in Moscow, we home school the children, work (hope to find an office soon), and receive guests, who often comment on how big the apartment feels.

For the cost of this apartment in a back street in Moscow, I could certainly get a huge house back in Ohio, even with plenty of acreage to put up another Buckeye barn in the event my accumulated possessions were greater than the storage space inside the house and I also had too little time for a garage sale.

However, since I'm in Moscow and not Ohio, I think I'll put this expensive floor space to use by allowing it to force me to value the space and think through its best use. Turns out the city will make you think!

Here's The Thing

2010-02-28T08:15:00.001+03:00

Until very recently, my interaction with the city of Moscow consisted almost entirely in points of transit such as train stations and the dread Sheremeyetevo terminal 1.

After living in Moscow for about a week, I'm fairly certain that Moscow would not need to apply too much effort to improve its image to the world. After all, first impressions are lasting impressions.

THE AIRPORT:

The Sheremyetevo airport appears to have mothballed Terminal 1. In it's place it has constructed a new gleaming and modern facility: Terminal D. Terminal D is located immediately next to the international terminal instead of 5 kilometers away (and up to $80 taxi ride) like Old Terminal 1.

The upgrade with Terminal D is clear. There is now seating for all passengers instead of the usual rush for the last available seat. The restrooms are new, clean, and shiny.

But why, oh why Sheremyetevo airport do I see the same rip-off artist taxi drivers? You now have put up signs not to trust them, but can't you just... make them go somewhere else? I'm sure you can. The police checked my documents twice while I was unloading furniture from a truck to my new apartment so it appears they have the necessary free time to assist in cleaning up Shemyetevo's image, and what is for many a negative first impression.

THE TRAIN STATION:

The same breed of taxi drivers are also waiting for you at Moscow's train stations. But here I would like to mention the porter service. My wife arrived by train with our four small children and I was there to meet them at the train station. Naturally, she was exhausted, I was a bit harried, the children were overwhelmed, and our need for help was clear as we stood there in the snow with five very large and heavy pieces of luggage.

A porter with a small metal cart offered to push our bags the necessary 200 meters for 2000 rubles (roughly $70). It is possible that I made a suggestion to him as to what he could do with his "official price list" and managed to hire his help for 500 rubles.

HERE'S THE THING:

It has not taken long to learn that Moscow is not made entirely of taxi cab drivers and porters. When I need directions, nearly everyone has taken the time to make sure I understand where to go. Nearly all interaction with government officials, real estate agents, and yes, taxi cab drivers who don't work at the airport or train station have been very professional and helpful.

Actually, perhaps the main impression I have is not how pushy the people of Moscow are, but how patient they are. I have read that the average traffic speed in downtown Moscow is about seven and a half miles per hour. This is to be expected in a city of this size. But that does not tell half the story. In the back alleyways, there is no such thing as two lanes and they are not one way. This means, when two cars approach each other, one is going to have to back up. Backing up is not easy; it's always a tight squeeze. But in this process, I haven't seen any honking, rude gestures, or shouting. Everyone just seems to calmly do what is necessary to keep moving.

In a city that has the third highest real estate cost in the world, each square foot holds value. That means that the local grocery store is trying to maximize space which accounts for narrow aisles with barely enough space for two shopping carts to pass each other. If the person walking in front of you stops with their shopping cart, chances are you will just have to wait until they have chosen which size and brand of sour cream will best suit their cooking plans for the evening. I can feel my temperature rising as I try my best to wait quietly: "No, now they're checking the expiration date! Canned tomatoes aren't going to go bad!".

I grew up in a small town and now I have come from the city of Perm (population 1 million). I don't know if the taxi driver or porter question will ever be decided, but take a deeper look. Sometimes you just have to wait for someone else because here's the thing: the larger the city, the more patient the people.

Right Now Somewhere in Russia...

2010-02-20T18:03:00.001+03:00

Right now somewhere in Russia there is a truck bouncing down a road full of our family's world possessions. This morning we loaded said truck with a few faithful friends in the -25 C weather. This is a process that perhaps would have been considerably quicker if our children were not home schooled. Lack of local English language library, coupled with English language curriculum has turned our family into a bookmobile during times of transit.

So, here's the plan: Tomorrow morning (Sunday) at 4:15 a.m. I ride to the Perm airport for the 6:10 a.m. flight to Moscow. Around 9 or 10 p.m. tomorrow evening, aforementioned truck shall bounce into Moscow and be unloaded by me and faithful Muscovite friends.

Tomorrow (Sunday) early afternoon, amazing wife (and a young lady who is helping her) and our fine four offspring will board a train for the 21 hour train ride to Moscow.

I shall meet amazing wife and her entourage Monday morning at the train station in Moscow. Then for unpacking boxes and life in a new city. Nothing to this moving business.

Moscow Apartment Hunt

2010-02-05T20:14:00.000+03:00

7:45 p.m.: Moscow, Russia

Sometimes you just raise the bar a little too high.

I thought I could successfully locate 3 flats in a city of 12 million in 3 or 4 days.

But you know, there's nothing like a little xenophobia to liven things up. I thought I had successfully located a flat for one of my co-workers until the babushka landlady called me.

Babushka: "You wanted the flat?"
Me: "Yes I'm interested."
Babushka: "Will you rent it for two years? I don't want a short term contract."
Me: "I think for sure one year, but I have to look at the place first."
Babushka: "Who exactly will live there?"
Me: "Actually, it's not for me; it's for one of my co-workers. She's a single American woman."
Babushka: [Pause] "I really wouldn't want to rent out to Americans. Would you be interested in renting?"
Me: [Control of snicker] "I don't think my family with four children would be comfortable in your one room flat."
[Sound of phone hanging up in ear].

You might be indignant at this. I reckon after so many years here I just find it funny. And I can assure you that the babushka landlady is in the minority. I can't say as I can blame her either since she's heard so many less than positive things that have been victoriously trumpeted from her television set for so many years about Americans. Some of those things are true. For instance, most Americans don't know how to read bus stop schedules.

I've ridden Moscow's world famous subway system and walked countless miles this week just to view some of the world's most interesting wallpaper choices. I've mastered the deadpan phrase: "I suppose wallpaper is a question of personal taste." This comment, followed by a small clearing of the throat and then a long pause is an important first step in the bargaining process.

Probably the main advertising scam is "how many minutes walk the flat is from the subway stop". Just today I was in a flat that had fancy steps up to a Jacuzzi and a mini-bar, but also a mish-mash of various wallpapers and paints peeling off the walls. The real estate agent said, "And it's only a 3 minute walk to the subway." I had just timed it on my watch at 9 minutes. So I said, "I just walked here from the subway. I suppose if I were to take part in the Olympics I could also make it here in 3 minutes."

It's a little early to claim "meat in the pan" on the apartment hunt, but it looks like we've found 2 of the necessary 3 flats. Not too shabby. This weekend, more rides on the subway, walking, and hopefully less intriguing conversation and views of fascinating remodeling options and more of signing contracts.

Moving to Moscow

2010-01-28T13:11:00.000+03:00

This is the first post on this brand new blog "Eye On Moscow". We were "Eye On Perm", but the impending move from Perm to Moscow demands a new blog title.

It seems I know Russia better than I know my homeland of America anymore. This feeling was underlined during a visit to the States last fall when I was at a complete loss as to how to put the title of a car in my name, which is a task I can readily perform here in Russia.

I've traveled through Moscow probably hundreds of times. But Moscow is not like the rest of Russia, and transit is not equal to residence.

Size and cost seem to be the main impressions of Moscow at the moment. Both exhibit shallow understanding yet real hurdles. And both accent the challenge of finding proper housing for our family of six in Moscow.

Since I also need to decide where I'm going to work in Moscow (meaning I need to find office space too), prime geographic location is at the moment a bit of a mystery. As I'm still not accustomed to living in the city that is home to the world's third most expensive real estate, cost of rent is now daily raising my bushy eyebrows.

I like a challenge and a learning experience. Looks like Moscow will be both. Class begins next week as I travel from Perm to Moscow and I look ahead to the goal of determining housing location deepening my study of this great city.

WELCOME to Russia!

2010-01-28T08:51:00.002+03:00

It has now been two weeks since our family's return to our beloved Russia.

The airplane was about to land in Moscow, but then the pilot hit the gas and we flew away. He then announced (I'm not kidding), "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but we are having a problem with the flaps and they are not functioning. We are going to try to resolve the problem in the air, but if we can't... [pause]... we'll be back with you shortly."

Then (I'm totally kidding here, in case anyone is wondering) a guy in bib overalls and a ski mask, with a wrench exited the cabin and fixed the flaps.

The pilot then (serious again) said, "We think we have it taken care of so we'll give it another go."

The airplane was about to land in Moscow a second time, and our altitude was very low. Then the pilot hit the gas again and we flew away. Another announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, sorry about that, but we can't see the runway because of the weather, so we'll try one more time."

Later on in passport control line at the airport (after the third, and ultimately successful landing attempt) we heard the pilot say to one of the stewardesses (airplane waitress), "You understand I can't land a plane without the flaps?"

If we'd known that we wouldn't have been so worried. See, we were all worried about the plane landing somewhere without the flaps. Apparently, it just stays up in the air until fixed.

Sometime later in passport line, as we walked up to the passport control booth, the kind passport control lady looked at our family and yelled, "One at a time!"

To which I calmly replied, "And our two year old too?"

To which she peacefully exclaimed, "Well, you're going to have to wait then!"

To which I merrily retorted, "Do you have any better ideas?"

About FM Radio during the Christmas season

2009-12-24T23:53:00.000+03:00

I have recently had the experience of driving a van 15,000 miles around the United States with an international group of men, women, and children. I think fifty years from now when I am leaning back in a rocking chair reminiscing about this trip, the main thing I might remember, other than John Tesh's tireless quest to bring intelligence to America's airwaves, is how often American radio stations, during this holiday season of Yuletide cheer, play "The Little Drummer Boy."

After a solid three months of FM channel surfing, I think I might like to do something petty and very unmissionarylike to that little drummer boy, whose song is now firmly cemented in my brain.

I am joking, of course. What I would really like to do is to put that little drummer boy and John Tesh in a room together long enough so that the little drummer boy will come out spewing pointless factoids with profound voice inflections and John Tesh will be singing "I have no gifts to bring... a-rump-a-pum-pum". It would serve them both right... nothing against the little drummer boy or John Tesh.

Just 'cause It's Not Safe...

2009-08-07T13:30:00.007+04:00

...doesn't mean it's not fun.

Hannah and Charlie try out some playground equipment that will be unavailable to them in the States this fall.

The predecessor to the treadmill reminded me of another unsafe children's recreation opportunity from a few years ago in Kharkov, Ukraine.

In our defense, it all happened really fast, and before we knew it our 4 and 2 year old were driving these mini-jetskis around without accompanying seat belts or life jackets.

Although I laugh in the video I am simultaneously taking documents and wallet out of my pocket just in case I need to play lifeguard.

Sorry for the grainy images. I plan to get a phone with a better camera this fall.

Eye On...

2009-08-05T11:33:00.002+04:00

I see that Eye On Perm has not been consistent in blogging. Perhaps this is the greatest blog commandment of them all: "Thou shalt not blog inconsistently."

After living in Perm, Russia for ten years perhaps I no longer see the fantastic, humorous, thoughtful, or absurd aspects of this great city as unusual. We've blown out at least three car windows this year, for example, (for various reasons) and I no longer find this challenging or humorous. I just go and visit the Chinese guys on Izhevskaya street and they install a new window. Maybe we just need a new challenge...

But now, we are beginning to say good-bye to the city whose name harkens memories of bad '80's hairstyles. We will be in the USA this fall and return to Perm for only a few months before moving to Moscow in March 2010.

At that point, Eye On Perm shall inevitably morph into Eye On Moscow and everything shall seem new again. Will this create more consistent blogging? If nothing else, I suspect that Moscow prices and Moscow traffic should account for at least a couple years worth of blogging material.

For now, I am finding that Twitter is something I'm fairly consistent at. Perhaps it is the combination of the challenge and simplicity of saying everything you want to say in 140 characters or less. To follow me on Twitter click here...

More Moscow Vending Machines

2009-05-13T14:13:00.002+04:00

In the February 3, 2009 blog I posted a photo of a Moscow caviar vending machine. Apparently, there are a few more niche vending markets left untapped as evidenced by the above photo of a Moscow Umbrella Vending Machine spotted in late February at a Moscow shopping center. Rain? No umbrella? No sales clerk? No problem!

TOO MUCH EYE ON PERM

2009-04-18T14:55:00.005+04:00

I wrote a book. At the very real risk of tooting my own horn, I would like to say that this is, by far, the best book I've ever written.

Do You Know Him?

2009-04-17T12:47:00.001+04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upGCMl_b0n4

Does NOT get much better than this.

The World Famous Andy Klecka

2009-04-10T13:40:00.001+04:00

I was almost famous: http://www.cleveland.com/brownsbeat/index.ssf/2009/01/super_bowl_snapshots_pittsburg.html

Have You Ever...

2009-03-16T19:11:00.002+03:00

...been walking through East Berlin, seen a van, and just known that you must have your picture taken in front of it for a blog post?

NEXT TO THE MR. CHAMPAGNE MACHINE

2009-02-03T20:09:00.003+03:00

I really wanted to get the 2009 blogging year off on the right foot. I found the perfect material for that, photographed by my alert wife during a December trip to Moscow. Yes, it is exactly what you think it is: a caviar vending machine.

MASTER SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIC

2008-12-08T15:57:00.004+03:00

The most useful line in the recipe below, is: "It's power should not be underestimated."

Increases blood flow to the head, and decreases kissing with the wife.

We were able to find the necessary ingredients at the Metro store here in Perm.

Medical and culinary related comments are welcome.

MASTER TONIC - A Natural Antibiotic
Pro-biotic: antiviral, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal and anti-parasitical.

Master Tonic
1 Cup fresh chopped garlic cloves (anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, anti-viral, anti-parasitical)
1 Cup fresh chopped White Onion, or hottest onions available (similar properties to garlic)
1 Cup fresh grated Ginger Root (increases circulation to the extremities)
1 Cup fresh grated Horseradish Root (increases blood flow to the head)
1 Cup fresh chopped Cayenne Peppers, the hottest peppers available, i.e.Habanero, African Bird, or Scotch Bonnets etc. - a great blood stimulant)

Fill a glass jar 3/4 of the way full with equal parts by volume (ie. a cupful each) of the above fresh chopped and grated herbs. Then fill jar to the top with raw unfiltered, unbleached, non-distilled apple cider vinegar.
Close and shake vigorously and then top off the vinegar if necessary. Shake at least once a day for three weeks, then filter the mixture through a clean piece of cotton, (old T-shirt) bottle and label. Make sure that when you make this tonic that you shake it every time you walk by it, a minimum of once per
day. Remember that all the herbs and vegetables should be fresh (and
organically-grown if possible), and use dried herbs only in an emergency.

If you have a hard time finding any of these particular herbs in your local health food store or grocery store, try asking the produce manager for a special order. If this doesn't work look for them in an ethnic area of your town, such as Asian, Indian, southern European, South American etc.; where people use these herbs in their everyday cooking. This tonic is extremely powerful, because all the ingredients are fresh. Its power should not be underestimated. This formula is a modern day plague tonic and when added to an incurable routine it can cure the most chronic conditions and stubborn diseases.

It stimulates maximum blood circulation, while putting the best detoxifying herbs into the blood. This formula is not just for the sniffles, it has helped to turn around the deadliest infections like some of the new mutated
killer viruses that defy conventional antibiotics .

The dosage is 1/2 to 1 ounce, two or more times daily (1-2 tablespoons), gargle and swallow. (Don't dilute with water). For ordinary infections, 1 dropper full taken 5-6 times a day will deal with most conditions. It can
be used during pregnancies, is safe for children (use smaller doses) and as a food is completely non-toxic. Make up plenty as it does not need refrigeration and lasts indefinitely without any special storage conditions.

(Formula from The University of Natural Healing; Dr. Richard Schultzs'
adaptation of Dr. Christophers' original anti-plague tonic)

Do Not Do This Please

2008-11-23T11:10:00.005+03:00

I was recently inspired to blog this gem recently spotted in the men's water closet at the Rostov-on-Don International Airport.

DO NOT THROW RUBBISH IN A BOWLHOLE!

It's a good thing they put up the sign. Every time I wash my hands or brush my teeth in a bowlhole I have to fight the urge to throw rubbish in it.

Hmmm... why does it seem so many posts surround time spent in airports? I shall need to search for another source of material.

St. Petersburg Russia Airport Parking

2008-08-25T12:20:00.002+04:00

I was recently inspired to take this grainy photo at the St. Petersburg, Russia "Pulkovo" Airport.
Apparently, in an effort to remove the redundancy of human workers, automatic parking meter machines were placed at the exit of the parking lot.
When an automobile arrives at Pulkovo Airport, the driver receives a piece of paper from the machine at the parking lot entrance which notes the time and date of entrance.
Upon departing, the driver will arrive at the gate, and leave his car, to go to one of the two automated pay machines that are located on either side of the five or six lane exit.
Picture harried travelers running back and forth, weaving in and out of cars that are being driven by equally harried drivers because they also just needed to make the walk to the automatic pay machine. Makes for quite the traffic circus, and I found was just the humorous outlet I needed after a long flight.