anecdotes of a manic mum

Dear Lola, Eight years old today!

2013-06-18T21:24:00.005+02:00

18th June 2013

Dear Lola,

EIGHT! Eight years old, and my wonderful angel how you grow.

Stars twinkle in your eyes when they look at me, I love how you still love to hold me tight, hold my hand every time we are out.

The Most High has blessed me to be responsible for a child like you, so loving and giving, so generous of heart.

The path you walk as a child is an unusual one, no dad around as such, a mum who sometimes gets very upset and cries. you are always there to give me a hug, ask me gently in your inimitable childlike way 'what's up?' As I explain that sometimes it's just the way things are, sometimes I miss your daddy lots and lots and lots, you cuddle me more and my tears I wipe, thank you for making me feel better with a cuddle.

I am immensely proud of you, Lola Grace, for who you are, who you are becoming and your naive love that fills me with a new inspired way of looking at things more simply, accepting life through a child's eyes such as yours. you teach me, and I learn from you, just the essence of your character and person, and you do not even know it.

Your patience, acceptance and understanding of dad, the way you are with him is incredible. I am in awe of your innocence and I am sorry I am so complex, that life as you grow becomes more complex. Inexplicable things happen, inexplicable sadness that I draw myself through. But the fact I have you, your sisters and your brother has saved me from sinking ever, too low, too far.

Because above all else, I am your mum. I will always remain steadfast and I will always cherish you.

Thank you for teaching me things through your love and devotion. A child like you I am blessed to behold.

And now you even make me a cup of tea and bring it to me in the morning! A dream come true for me! SOmeone to bring me tea- and you know what? I never even asked, you just thought of me and one day brought me a cup of tea up in bed. This is how much you think of others without doing it for their gratitude, it just pleases you, speaking volumes of who you are.

Your love of making things, of all things art. Of cooking, playing and looking after others.

Your love of nurturing things, whether it be snails, worms, a hedgehog, you cherish nurturing and with this as an instinct, you will flourish at all you do.

Don't ever be beaten, someone such as you is a shining light to those around.

You will no doubt come across situations in life you can do nothing about, frustrations, sadness. But hold that beautiful blue eyed, blond haired head up of yours, take a deep breath and know who you are Lola,

Someone others will look up to, someone who will always look out for others over and above their self.

You are strong, although I don't know that you know that. But through what you have already gone through, still go through, you are strong, independent and one of life's angels without knowing it.

You're one of my four angels who carry me on child's angel wings.

I am so proud, and watching you grow is a dream come true for me.

I promise to be there for you, whenever you need me.

I promise to be there to carry, help and hold.

I promise to say 'I'm sorry' Even if I do not know what I have done, I will respect you always enough to listen.

Don't change, not even your sometimes intolerant stubbornness!

Keep being strong, keep that big heart full of what it is full of now- love, tenderness, compassion and simple joy.

I love you Lola Grace to the moon and round it and sky high and back again, and I DO love you more than you love me!!

So much love, forever,

Happy Birthday tchoupinette!

Your mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, The Peacock.

2013-06-17T22:38:00.001+02:00

18th June 2013

Dear Alex,

After horrendous reports on how you had been in the morning, I was expecting you at your worst again. Nobody had been able to come near you to get you out of bed. You hand is swollen and purple, your elbow and your foot and ankle too... You literally, from head to foot, are covered in signs of your trying to escape this hellish nightmare that is so very real.

And dear God I pray for peace as I feel you are desperately trying to make sense of it all.

You're in bed calm and resting when I arrive. I curl up beside you and kiss you, nusling into your arm, my cheek against yours and you smile your amazing smile.

... Like a huge round boulder in its form, I see darkness, but above it and through it pockets of bright silver light stream and it penetrates most powerfully through the dusty darkness, darkness seems to dissolve as I focus on the light, I watch the darkness and realise if I focus on that, the light fades, so I focus again on the light which continues to banish the dark, dissolving it as though its nothing but dust. The bright light has almost dissolved all the darkness, and it feels like a healing cleansing, pure light. Then I look to the left, a bright royal blue peacock, the most majestic and beautiful peacock glides past, I watch it and am aware of how in awe of it I am. Wondering what it is? What it represents, it feels like a king.

Someone knocks on the door and I realise we have been asleep almost 2 hours!

I feel the explanation for my dream needs to be researched, knowing it meant something. I think the light is divine light, light from the Most High, and if I continue to focus on this, it will dissolve our troubles, our anguish like dust, but if I focus solely on the dark, it overwhelms... The peacock represents majesty, often peacocks are seen in original nativity scenes, and it was a message to say the Most High is very real and very involved in this. That He is present and I have to follow...

Peacocks' feathers (of which the kids just the other week found several on the street a few weeks ago, there are no peacocks around here!) represent new life as the old feathers fall out every year and new more brilliant, beautiful ones replace them each year, a sign of renewal, which is a word the peacock symbolises.

So that word patience arises very profoundly again.

To see you as calm and happy as you were when I came in was a surprise and a relief.

My dream was dreamed as I was in your arms, and was an extremely relevant one...

Let's just keep holding out, hoping this is just a phase as I continue to pray for peace for you and acceptance, so that you may move forward.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Father's Day.

2013-06-16T00:14:00.000+02:00

15 June 2013

A happy visit with dadda.

Dear Alex,

Seasons pass, skies fill with bulbous clouds, my journeys to you have begun again and nature becomes again a source of inspiration and courage.

The 'day-by-day' mantra that I hate reigns. I see it just has to be this way, this, quite literally, is the only way to get through this. Because you see, to think ahead, to plan, I have not that luxury. If I think even of a few days ahead I cannot cope, so much unknown swirls around, I cannot see. So when I take the kids today to see you and you seem tired but calm, I smile and fall into your arms loving you and thanking God that even though we go through all we do that sometimes the sun comes out. Occasions like today when you speak quite clearly and kiss me and bask in the presence of the kids, it tips the scales and yesterday, a terrible day of cries and uncontrollable anger and hitting out and indecipherable requests, frustrations, washes away in one good visit.

No you can't come home, no, I don't know when you can, yes your constant request to come home and when are you coming home and let me see my kids tear out my heart, but when you were home it was too much for you, you seemed worse. And my angel, you know I have to protect these kids of ours, so for now, I know this is what has to happen.

And I have to have patience, because my goal of having you home has not shifted. And I know some day it will happen. I have to hold on to this.

Maybe all this, this angst and hurt and seemingly endless pain, maybe this period of time is the process of you being so aware of your situation and accepting it...? Who knows.

The first thing you say to me when I come in today, you seem desperate to communicate it, you are pointing to your head and saying 'it's all here, everything still'

I know it is, I think sometimes due to the brain damage you become confused and lost, unable to process everything as you need to or as someone without a brain injury can. But this desperate need to communicate the fact that 'it's all here, everything still, in my head' shows me how at times it is all still in there.

A simple sentence from you which fills me with hope again.

One day at a time my angel.

Happy Father's Day, your kids love you so very, very much...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Shedding some light.

2013-06-13T21:20:00.001+02:00

13th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Shaking, I pull the car up at the Care Home. I don't know why I am so worried, I suppose it's a physical reaction manifesting itself from the past several weeks.

Accounts of how you have been over the last 5 weeks are given, dates, timings, events and I wonder how our life ever descended into this. Life of doctors, specialists, treatments, hoping, disappointment, perseverance, endurance and intrusion.

How can it be that we sit here discussing your behaviour, your medication, the best plan of action?

It's so overwhelming I have to place my hand on my heart in an attempt to prevent it searing through my throat.

I try and take the positives from today. The neurologist spends a long while listening, writing and offers his observations, he was patient, clear and thorough. Explaining clearly the build up to your coming home was unstable, finally being at home and being more aware, normal things you used to do, the way you used to be sunk in. You couldn't cope with your situation and the circumstances, being at home and hearing your kids, but not being able to do anything or even see them meant you spiralled into a deep depression, anxiety levels through the roof and this you fought day and night with your cries and aggression. Nothing could calm you as you had not the memory to retain things, like I would be back were I not there, nor what was happening. You became confused and with the brain injury and the damage still so present and foreboding, you just could not cope.

He has said you should stay in the Care Home, not unsettling you at all, no home visits, so that you stabilise. That everything you understand, your environment stays the same.

So no more home for you for a long while.

At least I know this will not last forever and at least I know why this change in you came about.

Although I try and stifle the questions:

Does this mean you will never be able to live with us?

Will we never be a complete family again, all living under one roof?

What if... What if... What if...?

And what if? Alex, how will I continue to deal with all this heartache?

I'm tired, so tired of my heart aching, of it aching for you, for me, for those souls of love of ours, all four of them.

I'm tired of not knowing where we may or may not get to.

Tired of having to deal with a life so different, full of joy at simplicities, and anguish at simplicities we are unable to achieve.

Tonight I try to focus on the slightly more positive side of what the neurologist said.

I can't deal with anything else.

There's no point in thinking of the 'what ifs' I know, but they wait like hounds at the door waiting to strike...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Today...

2013-06-12T22:11:00.001+02:00

12 th June 2013

Dear Alex,

We wake, the kids and I, the alarm startles me after a night of tossing and turning with nightmares and cold sweats.

I want the world to stop.

Breakfast complete, four kids dressed and ready for the school run. I stay in and help out in Esmie's class for an hour before putting my foot down and getting to you. You call after requesting the carer ring me on repeat since you woke. I tell you I am nearly there...

When I arrive you have astonishingly calmed down. You seem extremely tired, your voice croaky from crying for the hours since you woke. Three hours they inform me.

But whilst I am there I get through, we talk and I find Alex, the Alex from before this period of time began. Eventually after I give you a massage and you get I get you into bed you are still calm, peaceful almost lying there and tiredness washes over me. I lean over and kiss your almost sleeping head.

'I'm going to pick up the kids now, I'm back as soon as I can be in in the morning'

'Ok,' you say drowsily, a soft smile on your lips.

'See you tomorrow, I love you, will you marry me and have my children?'

'What more kids?' I ask laughing, you smile a big smile, eyes closed

'Yeah!'

'We'll discuss it again tomorrow ok?!'

And I leave satisfied.

I drive back for the school run, getting flashed for speeding on my return. Not hugely speeding, 3 miles over the 40 mph limit, but I know I am done.

I have 20 minutes before school pickup and prepare the picnic tea for the kids.

We get home at 3.40 and are back out within 10 minutes for Lola's dance class. Popping into town whilst we wait for her with the others I get milk.

Then the 3 big kids have St John's ambulance training. On returning to the house, a tidy up, time doing puzzles, a bath and reading with Esmie. Picking up again and arriving home at just before 8.

They're in bed, in their sleeping bags camping on the floor in my bedroom that sleeps us all.

Calling the care home I hear you are asleep finally, finally after 6 phone calls to me from the care, again at your insistence and me unable to calm you via the phone.

Washing and dishwasher and putting clothes away, a final tidy and I crash.

A lavender tea to hand, pillow doused in lavender oil I hope to sleep better tonight...

I relaxed a while with you today as you were calm, I thought to myself 'is this it? Is this all over? Have you finally come through this time?'

Only to be called so many times with you unable to talk, too distressed.

Back to where we have been for 6 long and lonely weeks now...

And I want the world to shut tonight.

Just for one night.

But I know I have to keep on doing this, hoping we are not here forever...

I'm back in for a crisis meeting about you tomorrow, where the neurologist, nurse, carers, we all shall be present in the hope someone can shed some light.. That somehow, someone can do something.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Hedgehog, an unexpected tale...

2013-06-09T23:28:00.001+02:00

10th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Wandering around Tiggywinks, an animal hospital where they look after mainly hedgehogs, red kites, badgers and most wild animals that have been injured, I try hard to quash anxieties, rampant and harsh, and be there, strong and present for our kids.

Their innocence, their questions, their naive pleasure at seeing the varying animals is my breath for an overcast Sunday after a hard, hard week. I try not to notice the boy on his father's shoulders clinging to a dad proud and dependently, families holding hands, a couple who have come on a day out. I try and be.

Just be.

I've been sent buoyancy aids, the Most High hearing and responding to my cries with a very best friend coming to stay for the weekend. With flowers from another friend on my doorstep as I arrive back from another turbulent time with you. With messages and thoughts/ prayers sent to hold me and the family in these times...

The guide at Tiggywinks gives a talk (on this occasion), handling the damaged, disabled hedgehogs and a tortoise who have been nursed back to health. A hedgehog appears at his feet,

'Oh, this one has recently been brought to us, he is blind'

Lola pipes up

'How come he is blind, what happened?'

'This is a very special hedgehog, no one expected it to survive, it had a severe head injury, it is now brain damaged, with a paralysed leg and blind too as a result of the accident it had, funny thing is though, it will no doubt outlive any other hedgehog out in the wild, as it is being cared for and is safer than those in the wild'

Take from this what you will, but the day we choose to go, this new addition had finally been placed back outside, the injuries the same as yours to the most part...

I know it is a hedgehog, and no, it hasn't been injured playing rugby! But it felt like a message... A message for us. I wipe my tears, this had to be about the kids and a happy day, but goosebumps and hairs rise.

I feel you will pass through this, that you are protected, and beyond this life, that is what this life is for...

It was a moment of random coincidence.

I don't know when this phase will pass, I can't sleep now knowing tomorrow I will have to survive the day again.

As you are at the moment, no one will know what it is like to be you in this, no one will know what it is like to be there, unable to console, distract. No one will know what it is like for the kids or for me...

I just have to brace myself.

That's all I know.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thought for the Day...#14

2013-06-09T01:36:00.001+02:00

Dear Alex, This is not forever...

2013-06-08T00:15:00.002+02:00

7th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Nothing could have prepared me for the events of this week. I still reel in shock. I still wonder why and how and am only just getting over slightly anger, hurt and pain.

And that feeing that not even I can save you from this-I can't (I didn't) and I thought we were that for each other- each other's angels, protectors, the one for one another, that one person that no other in the world is for me or for you.

...But I feel like I am not.

The raw pity and compassion that groans from deep within my spirit and soul when I look at you, is one of the most intense emotions I have ever felt.

And I am not that one person, and I can't get over that.

Then advice comes my way- this is an 'episode' it is not always caused by something, it is just a part of the brain injury. Maybe a sudden change in routine can jolt something which results in the distress, which in turn means a brain injury patient gets sort of 'stuck' in a repetitive behaviour, they cannot stop themselves. But it will pass. It shows how aware you are, but also that the damage is still very real and that is what has been happening these past few weeks.

Thing is, this is filled, our new life, with so many unknown quantities. Everything is unknown, no one can point us in the right direction, tell us it is round the corner or give us clear direction. We both stumble on through the dark, ever unknowing, ever filled with trepidation.

That's why I must seek strength not just from me, but from the Most high-who promises help for the weak, and my goodness have I felt weak these past few days.

Eyes black rimmed, raw. Head, aching, legs that shook. Unable to fall asleep on the night you went back. Lying in bed crying and begging God for help, for guidance, for strength and comfort.

Today I feel I have had many of those things. I have been uplifted by so many messages of support and encouragement. I have had the word 'Patience' and 'not yet' stand out poignantly to me at this present time. I have found more perspective, able to see that although not now, that it doesn't mean I have to drop this as my ultimate goal, it just means, not now...

I hold on tightly to this as I swim in the week that took the most unexpected turn of events.

You see my angel, I thought I could save you- I thought I was. But the damage is so profound, so real still, and you have so much more healing to go yet. More than I thought, more than I was prepared for.

It does feel a huge set back.

But I have to look forward and not feel stuck.

'This is not forever,' If you hear me with you, this I say time and time again.

because this is not forever, one day baby, we will be far away from what we are going through, still, now...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Broken.

2013-06-05T20:33:00.001+02:00

5th June, 2013

Dear Alex,

I have spent most of the evening writing, all of which I won't put up here, I have an extract, that's all.
I feel I have failed you, I am still in shock, you just were not coping. I think coming home when reality dawned, you became like a caged animal, not coping, wailing day in day out, night too, waking us all up everyday at 6am with your cries and your wails. Aggressive, inconsolable. It made no difference then, you being at home- in fact it had the opposite effect, it seems to have made you worse.

I wonder where you are, my heart still waits for you by the back door. Stupid I feel, but I still cannot accept.

And after a meeting, a long meeting with all the authorities involved, advice is that you go for respite, back to the care home, let things settle a bit again. Then we go back to how it was before.

I feel I fought all along to get to this place, to get you home. It's been getting me through, thinking it would be the thing to end it all. Different family lifestyle but together, reunited once again. ready to move on all together. I was wrong. A fool.

But as all involved feel it's the best thing for you, I had to look objectively and I knew it was true.

But deciding the best thing is for you to get some time away, and time back again was like asking me which leg I would prefer amputated.

I have cried all day. I will cry all night.

Because what if you are never able to deal with what has happened and how you are now? What if this means you can never move home? What if we are never together full time living as a family complete?

Why us?

Why these kids of ours?

Why you?

Why me?

My heart feels like it is going to explode, my throat constrict the air I am trying to breathe.

Oh Alex, my Alex, how I feel I have failed you, that you think I have abandoned you.

You never cease to call me, that is how dependent on me being next to you, in your arms that you are. I can't leave your side because you cry and call me, but when I am next to you you still call me and ask me to help you, and when I ask with what you don't know, or you say something and I do it and that's not right...

What's going on? What is happening to you?

God, I need a life line, Alex, you need to somehow get through this, because I have to have you at home, not some of the time, but all of the time.

I love you and I am heartbroken,

All I want, all I need is to run into those big strong arms of yours as you emerge from the water fresh from a surf. Salty wet kisses, and asking me to rub more sunscreen on your back. But you can't protect me now, can't console me now. I have to do this all with out you but for you.

So you're back, you're gone.

As you leave you cry 'when will I see you again? Where am I going? Why?'

Oh God baby, if only you knew...knew the love I hold for you...

me xxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Passage through.

2013-06-04T22:00:00.001+02:00

4th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Passages, chapters, pages, time, however you want to look at it, I have to determine myself that this is just a matter of time, a passage through, that we will surmount. As hard as it is and as insurmountable as it feels, what we have got through already had to be testament to the fact that we will break through this too.

I have to steel myself, blockade the gremlins that threaten, those gremlins that chant 'he still hasn't come back to you like you believe he will, like you desperately need him to' that chant 'you're doing this on your own now, no Alex by your side to ever comfort you again or through this'... I just have to not look at them, force down that iron lid, leave them festering there.

Because.

Because, I have to be the strong one here, I have to look after our kids. I have to be what I can to all of you, because you all depend on me.

So I just have to be strong, patient. My heart breaks for you as I look at you, bloodshot eyes from crying for days and days on end. You look broken, bereft. As I mirror your looks but hide them behind a face that does school runs, gets you to chop up sweet potatoes for our tea 'see, you're cooking for me honey!' But you don't care, you're despondent, not wanting anything, not making decisions, saying 'whatever' or that 'anything' will do...

But I just have to carry you now. Through your frustration, your sadness and through the depths into which you have plummeted, because I'm not leaving you there.

It's 20 months today and you're now living at home. We have made it.

Let's see this as another stage, that we will get through, even if it makes me lose it at times! Even if I have to walk away for a bit at other times... I will never walk away for good I promise.

I am yours Alex Wood, for keeps, and now we are going to make this next bit work.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Riddles.

2013-06-02T02:00:00.001+02:00

June 2nd 2013

Dear Alex,

You're unsettled, calling me constantly.. But being there isn't enough... Pulling shouting, crying out, shouting still...

I watch you as you sleep, finally quiet.

You sleep pretty well at night.

Then from the minute you wake till the minute 8pm comes and you start the nighttime routine, you cry.

I can suggest nothing.

I cannot do anything. A few hours distracted by family on Friday. Then they leave, you start up again, crying and calling for me.

You've said a few things as I try patiently, calmly to unveil the reason you could be this way:

You said you thought you were dying.

You constantly ask me to marry you and start a family with you.

When I say yes you tell anyone who will listen we are getting married, till you forget and start asking me to marry you again.

Are you stuck somewhere in your mind? Before we got together and married and had kids? Are you afraid of losing me? Why are you seemingly often better when I am not there? You tell me if we have a baby it will 'make you better'. I'm not sure if you believe this, or if it's something random stuck in your mind?

I'm just not sure, but there's a piece missing. I'm at my wits end, I have nowhere to go, no options, no answers... Why can't I fix this??

You sleep now, it's quiet, but I know my wake up call at 6am will be your calling for me and crying at the top of your voice. It wakes me and the kids.

How do I solve this riddle?

Me xxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Happily Ever After?

2013-05-30T13:37:00.001+02:00

Dear Alex,

Monsters everywhere. The 'this is it' monster the 'nothing's changed, he's no happier at home' one. From 6 am till 12 pm and there's still no let up, as you cry and cry and cry, not exhausting from it. No distraction, no music, no words, this makes you angrier, no radio, no food (although you eat, you start again after you have finished), no getting up no lying down, no sitting on the sofa, chair, floor. No cuddle no soft words, no 'I can't do this Alex, the kids need me too...' No nothing.

Now 8pm. My head pounds, my heart aches, my eyes are raw, for all of today there has been the odd 5 minute interval where you have not cried. It's piercing, wailing. And there's not one thing I can do.

An unexpected horrendous episode and I decide I have to take the kids upstairs, I have to leave you to it for a while. I cannot take it anymore.

Where's my happily ever after? My happy reunited family, together finally again after a fight for 20 months.

My head throbs, my heart aches, my eyes are raw.

And when I thought 'no matter what, I just want you at home' and when I thought 'I have to fight' and I thought 'I have to do this for you, for me, get you home'... I did.

You're here.

You're safe.

But you're acting like you don't want to be here, like you hate me. And baby, what have I done?

I've fought your corner, brought up singlehandedly our kids. Visited you everyday against all odds. I've cried for you, grieved for you, mourned all our loss. I have loved you so deeply, even when your brain injury so severe has meant you have been unrecognisable to me.

So my baby, why today? Where is my happily ever after? I thought last week I had it, clasped in the palm of my hands, champagne glasses chinking and beaming smiles as it had all come to an end...the suffering. So I thought.

Where is it? My happily ever after.

Where has he gone, my Alex, the gentle one who loved me, the Alex, the one I knew?

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Part 2: Our announcement!

2013-05-28T21:46:00.001+02:00

Just click and find out-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GeOf2TpipI

WE MADE IT!

Dear Alex, 23 rd May 2013 Part One.

2013-05-24T23:22:00.001+02:00

Dear Alex,

It is 10.30 am, they call, the Care home, I have to go in. I wasn't in earlier today as I couldn't have been. I must go there straight away, they would explain when I was there.

Stuck in traffic, behind a huge lorry on the back roads, barely blinking, heart racing I just have to focus on driving, on getting to you. Terror, what has happened? I just need to be there with you, why is it taking so long?

Over an hour and I race the car into the car park, don't stop to sign in, race up to you.

Shaking, red eyed, howling, calling my name, kicking out, bellowing 'home, home'

Crisis point has been reached, not eating, not sleeping unless I am there to calm, reassure, soothe. To get you into bed and you rest, to sleep only those 3 hours I am there, the only 3 hours I am able to be there between school drop off and pick up.

Since Monday you haven't been eating, you haven't slept at night. I have been desperate for you, this week I broke.

I have wept for hours, a heart feeling as though it may leap from my chest, break through my bruised ribs and hurtle, broken one final time to the floor.

Thursday 23rd may 2013, I call it a day. Enough is enough I cry and I cradle your head, still your kicking legs, wipe your tears and I tell you I am taking you home, I think 'sod the consequences' ...

You grab me, kiss me, 'thank you thank you, thank you' is all you say, over and over like a beating drum. 'I need to be at home' you articulate this more clearly than I have ever heard you say anything.

Emails, distraught phone calls, all week for me...all who know me have never heard the urgency like this in my voice. Hear my broken spirit, no matter who they were.

This is it, this cannot be done anymore, and my angel I just know I have to make this stop.

But how do I have the final say?

How do I get you home?

We are back in that place... Forced, head down, not finding a solution, not knowing where to go, how to do it, and for the first time ever I am terrified you won't make it, that this time it is just too much, I fear for your health, your fragile health and I fear for me and the kids and oh honey, why, as your wife, can I not just take you where you belong, where you need to be, where we all need you to be.... Home...?

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Clues...

2013-05-24T21:38:00.001+02:00

Just pictures, that's just all there is...clues to an unexpected Thursday and the day that changed the rest of our lives...

You have to wait to find out the exact truth, the actual happenings!

Dear Alex, My Angel...

2013-05-22T20:48:00.001+02:00

Dear Alex,

After a traumatic greeting when I come in to see you today, tears, non stop, I help you into bed to rest, you are exhausted from yet again being up most of the night, apparently calling for me. I sit, watching over you...This is what I write,

My angel, you sleep as I sit here, type and weep...
My angel you sleep talk 'I love you, Tamsyn'
You say with a smile creeping up your cheek.
I whisper, are you awake?
No sound,
My angel, you sleep talked,
And my heart knows we are bound.
My angel I am aching,
From my heart to my soul.
I have the old you inside me,
In a locket,
It burns a hole.
In another time,
Inside a different me,
Inside, guarded,
Too protected,
Mine.
My angel this is torture,
This is wearing,
I feel the weight of the untold.
My angel,
For your love
Your arms, to swaddle me
Till the end,
Grown together, old.

me xxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Every Thought...

2013-05-20T22:52:00.003+02:00

20th May 2013

Dear Alex,

Is that really the date? nearly the end of May...Is it ever going to just stop, time, and reverse and give me you back? Nothing more than a dire long nightmare that took the man I loved, the man I adored from my reach. That made him not be able to see his own children, able to talk clearly, able to walk, communicate, protect me or provide...

I busy myself after the late cricket run, surrounded by Dads looking on, collecting proudly their sons, son runs at dad, dad pats him on head, 'alright, son? How'd it go, how was your batting?'...And son looks at dad, love in his eyes as they walk off- dad's arm round son's shoulder and son kicks grass and they go home together. I feel sick. Cricket always gets me. Monty cries every time after.

He cries from the moment we are in the car till the moment he heaves his last sob in my bed- he sleeps every Monday in my bed, not wanting to be on his own 'in case I have nightmares again, mum, please?'

I stroke his head and I let his tears roll. I have been thinking recently that I have almost forgotten how it must be for him, in particular him, especially as he grows. He grows without the dad he had. He plays cricket without the dad helping him, neither there at pick up nor at drop off. And in his head, you aren't a dad to him...

So he grows without his dad.

He gives you kisses and the odd cuddle now, that's easier for him, but anything more than that he rejects. He doesn't talk to you spontaneously as the girls do, I step in gently encouraging- 'Ask your dad if you want a biscuit, not me' just to include, to try to heal a broken father and son bond.

But I can't.

Not me.

Not now.

Not ever?

And so tonight I busy myself after I finally have them in bed, I fold washing, I wash clothes, I steam clean the carpets and I try not to think of you.

Only every thought as I clean, wash, fold, clean wash fold, clean wash fold, is for you, and for our red eyed, cheeks I can trace the tracks of his tears, now asleep in my bed, where once you used to lie, little boy...

me xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Welcome to my Weekend...

2013-05-19T10:00:00.000+02:00

18th May 2013

Dear Alex,

A picture, a photo of you I have never seen before, someone posts on FaceBook earlier today. I freeze. I usually don't check Facebook until the kids are well tucked up in bed. But I had to email someone, and this photo of you pops up. It is always a surprise how this sort of thing makes me feel, though I should be used to it, should know how seeing you as you once were makes me feel...

It makes me feel like it was another time, another life. Like that one never really existed. It feels like this is all I have ever known-so all consuming it has been.

And tonight, it's gone 11pm as I write this, I took myself up to bed, as downstairs you were in bed, wanting to sleep, and I don't really like spending my evenings with a carer there, as wonderful as they are, I like my own space, so take myself upstairs to write...to read, reflect and pray...

But I am back down, every few minutes, as you call for me over and over, and I am spent. This has been going on for a few hours and I can do nothing, I think you settle, I ascend the stairs again, then the whole process starts again. Your complete and utter dependence on me is round the clock. I feel that as you cannot see where I am in the house either, that you need that constant reassurance that I am there, and call me over and over until I am with you- only with four kids to amuse and see to their needs too at the weekends when you are home- this is not possible, I cannot just stay next to you and not leave your side. And I wish you could only see, oh the things that that would change.

You have woken Esmie twice, who cries and I have to run back up to make sure she settles and is ok.

My body cries out for sleep- it's already been an almost 18 hour day for me, and no sign of it relenting.

Welcome to my weekend!

No, honey, I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I just feel so very, very tired.

me xxxxxxxxxx

Thought for The Day #14

2013-05-18T00:24:00.002+02:00

It goes like this:

Dear Alex, Mantra in my head.

2013-05-16T11:20:00.001+02:00

15th May 2013

Dear Alex,

Morning so calm, morning before the school run, I spend it smiling, kids who sit and draw together, helping each other, no squabbles, no cross words/food fights! Porridge rounds and weetabix for the porridge-hating kids, porridge and weetabix for the four-year-old determined to always be different and stamp her mark.

It was calm and it was peace and it was a heavenly gift to have a morning perfect in every way. Well, in every way under the circumstances, no you will always sting.

You have been more troubled of late. Not at home, at home you are invariably trouble free, you are safe and cocooned and your time at home remains healing and precious. But in the Care Home they report how unsettled you are, not sleeping but crying, calling my name throughout the night...

...Each time I go in you cry and hold me and say over 'you're here, you're here'

You have never asked so frequently and fervently when you are coming home, when you can be with us and how long is it till...?

I can but reassure, tell you it's within our gaze now, not such an unknown quantity, a very real, very nearly, within reach. We have done the worst!

When I'm at the care home with you I include you in anyway small way, i want you to know you still count, that i expect you to have opinions and need and want you to express them. I ask for advice, include you in decisions, we chat about the kids, maybe about an incident where I have had to discipline one of them, and what would you have done? These scenarios you might 'get' but it's hard for you still to take in information, understand it then form a decision and then articulate it.

I keep telling myself we will get there...A mantra in my head.

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, BREAD!

2013-05-14T15:40:00.002+02:00

Alex making bread- He comes to life doing activities of any kind, especially when mess and kids and tactile things or music are involved, and Alex loves making bread- something he is getting better at.

I can see how much he has improved by the control and concentration, the lengths of time have extended

And it was delicious!

What I love is that the kids got to eat something he had done for them...Precious moments is what it is all about.

x

Dear Alex, Arms outstretched.

2013-05-12T19:22:00.001+02:00

12th May 2013

Dear Alex,

A tear escapes, trailing down your neck, it's 6.40 am and I am by your side, there to comfort you as you awake from maybe a dream, I'm unsure and you cannot tell me. You just cry and don't stop, so I cuddle and cradle your head in my arms, nearly and hour passes...

Not asleep before 2am, kids up so many times that I figure I didn't sleep at all.

All our kids downstairs, I gave up at 6.30 am and with you waking in tears, there I am, awake, getting breakfast for our four and trying to comfort you.

I lie next to you, the kids fine, this seems to be the only thing that soothes.

Unusually emotional today, several things occur, there's an email from someone I do not know which breaks my heart for their situation and propels me into instant and soul-felt gratitude for my blessings... The kids are demanding, I love that they are there to do this. The house needs cleaning a million times over, the knees I have had to patch up and plaster, the cheeks I have had to cup and kiss, the stories I have had to read, the colouring, the walks, the knocked over drinks, the 'I don't like this mum's, for it all I am grateful.

At one point you look panicked and reach out almost gasping, 'what was that honey? Are you ok?'

'Somebody turn the lights on please' you say in a panicked tone.

I, not very successfully, bite back the tears, just a couple roll, trickling out pain and a world I don't understand.

'All done'

Although nothing has changed, and you nod your head 'ok' and you settle back in your wheelchair.

This is something I pray for night and day, 'if anything, if only one thing, God please give him back his sight...'

And I will keep on praying that very same prayer, even if I pray it in my last breath on earth.

My eyes ache almost as much as my heart tonight.

Although tomorrow is a new day, one I get to wake up to and one I get to grasp with both arms outstretched and four kids' smiles to embrace.

How blessed am I?

Me xxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Esmie.

2013-05-11T00:08:00.003+02:00

My Esmie, dressing up fun!

May 11th 2013

Dear Alex,

I almost bought a card for you today, almost...I saw one and the image made me think of you. I forget you cannot see, well, I forget at times. Then I remember and I look at 3 kids holding on to the trolley in the food shop, and the one browsing the cards for his friend, and how I love their faces, their expressions, their hands...when they bite their nails or they sit, slouched, sofa deep watching T.V. I just am in love with the vision of our kids. Something you will never have again... Not on their wedding day, nor their first child. Not for the simple things nor the complex. Not for the present nor the future, not ever, and I replace the card and sigh a deep soul groaning sigh.

"What day is it today Mummy? Is it Daddy coming home day?"
Esmie asks today. I have not heard her call it this before! "It's Thursday, sweetheart, daddy is home tomorrow, just one more sleep"

She dances around saying "Yey, Daddy's home tomorrow!" calling the others, letting her brother and sisters know that there is just one more sleep. She grows more familiar, more accustomed to and much happier around you. This is an absolutely precious moment, and the very next morning the first thing, groggy eyed and bed-haired, she says, "So daddy is home today, hey mummy?" And as I confirm this she smiles her biggest smile and squeezes my hands beaming.

Her childlike acceptance is something else, something pure, something to be treasured, remembered, kept in my memory box of moments to be grateful for.

There's more, she leaps as she awaits the taxi bringing you home, watching out the window, hearing the dog bark, she exclaims "it's daddy! Hey guys, it's daddy! it's daddy, daddy's home!"

She runs at you, takes a flying leap as you dismount the taxi ramp, still crying "yey, daddy's home!" And she plants so many kisses on your leg!

These moments I live for. Never assuming, hoping for, and there is one right there, more perfect than I could ever have planned. Beautiful moment, perfect moment, child's love for their dad, no matter how he is...And I am in love, with you, with the moment, with our baby girl...Proud and happy.

A joyful way to begin the weekend.

me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Regaining Control.

2013-05-08T22:00:00.001+02:00

May 7th 2013

Dear Alex,

Day coming to a close, after school club runs finally over, kids, at last, asleep. Ticking clock the only noise, my dog comes over for a nuzzle. I am sat, as every evening I am, in front of my computer, page open, another letter to you.

I have felt so positively about your progress the past few weeks, and I realised today that your emotions are more in control too. I visit you at the Care Home, although you cry (as you usually do when I come in) you quickly pull yourself together. You have made yourself do that, no instruction from me. Displaying that you are regaining control of your emotions, that you are also seeing relevant responses to situations. You are regaining some control!

So much progress, it seems to have suddenly sprung up. I feel calmer and less sad as a result, because I see for the first time since your accident, I see you slightly as I used to, this is not meant in a derogatory way, far from it, I mean that when I look at you, you do not seem as far away, as different. Even some of your facial expressions have begun to change as you have more control over your muscles and expressions.

I haven't felt this positive about your progress for such a long time.

I see, I think, where you can be, and I love the feeling of hope growing, hope fuelled thoughts, true bliss...

So I pause, for a while, mentally. I hope with progress blossoming. I look back at where we came from, and am looking forward, not peeking scared and alone at my future, but accepting and breathing in our future, with hope and some peace.

Alex, you are SO strong, so amazing and so loved.

me xxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, "Will you marry me?"

2013-05-05T22:09:00.000+02:00

5th May 2013

Dear Alex,

Carpet tells the day's story, hoovering up the debris, oats from bread making, mud from our 4 kids, the 3 kids from neighbouring houses traipsing in and out, pink fluff from dressing up. And as I hoover it all I breathe in thanks to the Most High for each event the debris represented, for the healthy kids, their friends, for outdoor play and little feet to bring it in, for food to cook and people to share it with... I smile as I hoover tonight.

It's been a busy one, but you have coped well. Although you were in bed at 7.30, out for the day! Eyes firmly shut, you ask me to climb in next to you-I tell a white lie about getting in later on, but we both do not fit in your single hospital bed.

'Will you marry me?' you ask earlier this morning in tears, for some reason this happens several times today. The same question, tears that flow. You fall asleep on the sofa, wake up crying, I manage to work out it is because you had a dream, you dreamed about me, not abad dream, a good one you say, about how we used to be...

...The second time this week you are able to clearly recall how you have slept and your dreams. I feel like you are surfacing just that little bit more- memories are waking you and dreams are torturing you. But it is seemingly as you become more aware...

I wait for times such as this, pray for, holding my soul's breath for. This is such progress, and I am more excited by this show of more memory, of yuor dreams and recalls...it's signs that 'you' are bubbling back up, and my baby, how I have longed for this!

I have discovered a great trick in helping you to recall events, when I ask you 'do you remember...?' You will shake your head, if after I ask you to pause and spend 10 seconds searching the memory, where it may be filed, you have now several times been able to give the correct answer! I am completely overwhelmed by this progress, so encouraged! It shows that there are still techniques we can learn to help you improve and most of all that you still continue to improve!

My angel, my answer to you each time you asked me to marry you today was 'yes, a million times over' ( even though we already married!)...because I can't imagine life without you...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx