Instead, I stay in my seat, rooted, because she’s already shrugged off the closest contact to her. Her arms are folded across her chest; she does not wish to be touched. I can respect that. So I just look at her and hope she sees me looking at her, because I want to share a knowing look. I want her to see that I am hugging her regardless, that I understand her pain (not her exact pain, but I can empathize), that she didn’t just throw words out into the world and they landed on uncaring ears.

A week later in the same class, as we settle in, nearby classmates – classmates who are in general disrespectful to the professor, who have side conversations and smirk often – discuss the young lady. “She should have just shut up. No one wants to hear about THAT! Doesn’t she know how awkward she made us all feel? Like, for real, are we supposed to cry with her?”

I am enraged. I feel my face burn, my heart race in my chest, and tears well in my eyes. I swallow a choke and go over a million responses. I want to turn and scream at them to grow up, to have a heart, to get a clue! Don’t they know how hard it is to speak out? Don’t they get how incredibly brave our classmate is? Why can’t they reach out to her instead? Why can’t they take away a lesson that everyone is hurting in some way?

But I do nothing. I sit there in my safe little corner, pretending I can’t hear them, perpetuating the cycle of allowing this kind of thing to go on. I don’t speak because I know I will do so in anger, and I don’t speak because I’m the “old” lady in class, and I don’t speak because maybe…just maybe…these two have something equally painful in their past and they haven’t found a way to share yet and instead of mocking the young lady, they really want to speak out, too.

I realize more than anything that their response is why I pull in every so often and decide I can’t or won’t or don’t want to write my own story anymore. I yank down sites I’ve built and stories I’ve shared because the mentality of blaming the victim is often too much for me to bear. I see the looks, the smirks, and I hear the words, the disbelief, the mocking. I feel the arrows of poison, their tips filled with words like, “It’s your fault” and “You need to get over it” and “You could have gotten out,” and they find their target every time, piercing my heart and soul, sending me into hiding, not speaking out, burning my words, trying to leave them behind.

But then this happens, this moment of raw courage from a young woman barely out of high school, and I am reminded that I may not have to be the poster child for rape and abuse and sexual assault and violence, but I also can’t let the attitudes of others who think I should just shut up dictate what and how I share. Maybe no one wants to hear about THAT, but THAT is happening. And in the same class, as the professor had us involved in an exercise (opting out was available) where we had to step forward if something she said applied to us, almost every single person in class stepped forward when asked, “If you know of someone who has been raped or sexually assaulted.” And I think that says volumes.

It is my responsibility as a thriving survivor to speak out and continue speaking out. I cannot hide in the corner seat with my back against the wall and pretend I don’t hear hurtful comments made about painful situations. I can’t hide in my office and burn pages of my story, or take down pieces I’ve written, all in the effort of keeping quiet.

Do I make you feel awkward? Well, doesn’t that say more about you than it does about me? I can hide in the corner all I want, but I can’t do it to save you from feeling awkward. Rather, I should come out of the corner and speak and speak and speak, so that instead of making you feel awkward, what you feel is “SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE!” We cannot blame the victims. We must STOP that and put the blame where it belongs – on the rapists, the abusers, the murderers.

I revisit this over and over, and I may have to again in the future, but … I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

Never say never.
The end isn’t always the end.
Goodbye is often hello.
It’s OK to put ideas on the back burner for a while.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I’m learning not to make decisions when I’m feeling overly emotional or when my feelings are hurt in business. And when I think a season is over, I have learned not to declare I’m done nor to get rid of everything related to said season (as I have repeatedly done in the past), but rather to chew on the idea, set it aside, pray about it, and move anything related to it out of sight (in order that I might feel like I did walk away from it) but still here in case (WHEN!) I change my mind.

In my life, I am working on finding the right balance FOR ME. I’m asking myself the tough questions: What’s important? What can I let go of? (Even WHO sometimes, which is tough, but one cannot possibly give quality time to the many.*) What needs more of my attention? Is what I’ve been doing working for me? Is there something I’ve been doing for the sake of doing it that really needs to be changed or let go of?

Obviously, there are plenty of answers and plenty of moments of raw honesty with myself. Truth? I can do many things, but I can’t do them all well when I try to do them all at the same time. And yes, I realize this IS a concept I come back to often. I think there’s a good reason for that. I live a big life with big ideas and big plans. I’ve always lived this way, even when life seemed bleak. In fact, it was probably having big ideas and plans that got me through the worst days.

I am clay; my life is pliable. Anything can happen, anything can change. Any idea might play itself out and I will no longer wish to continue…for now. So, I will keep bending to the winds of change, allowing things to happen, being open to setting old ideas aside to welcome new ones, and sometimes allowing new ideas to simmer while I redesign old ones.

When I remind myself that this is MY life, not the rest of the world’s, decisions are easier. I care less what others are thinking, and more about how it makes me feel, how it helps my life flow better. I revisit the mountain often and take stock, moving this and that higher or lower. Ultimately, it comes down to what’s right for me and mine at different stages of our lives.

*I don’t mean cutting friendships. I mean pulling back from trying to stay connected to hundreds of people online, or to acquaintances who are, quite frankly, just as busy as I am and might also feel guilty in trying to hold onto the threads of a possible friendship that may never have time to grow.

Isn’t it funny how something so large, something that commands so much land and sky space, can seem to be small and lost within the chaos of all that surrounds it?

My mountain becomes small, and sometimes lost, just the same way. So many distractions get in the way of what is most important, and I let it happen Every. Single. Time.

At the peak of my mountain -

God
Husband & Children
Family
Close Friends

Then slightly lower on the mountain -

Other friendships
Volunteer work
Photography business
College degree
Writing (my book, as well as my brother’s)

And all the distracting branches that get in the way -

Social media
People-pleasing
Surfing the Internet
Watching too much TV
The J.O.B. (a financial help, but also a distraction in time and from business)

Over this year’s Lent, I will be concentrating solely on my mountain, cutting as many distractions as possible. I will also be exploring the idea of the personal blog being “dead.” (Not many seem to read or keep them anymore.)* My social media dealings will be business-related only. And as for the rest of the distractions (those listed and those not), I will work on figuring out a better system for what can and cannot be part of my life.

We must never lose sight of the mountain.

ETA: I am not saying I am not blogging during Lent or that I am looking to give up my blog (again – ha ha ha!), but rather what I might need to do to re-focus, and also what keeps some blogs alive while others are just over. Given that my own number of readers is way down, it’s important to explore. I’m not even sure who and how many are out there anymore, given that so many read without ever stepping foot onto the site itself.

“Yay…reading!”

But it never seems to fail to turn out more like this:

…staring out the window at nothing, thinking of everything and nothing…

But don’t cry for me, Argentina (and as of this moment, yes I CAN point out Argentina on a map, because you can only get it wrong so many times before you figure out where it really is). I think today will be my last day. No, I demand it! Tomorrow I will wake up free of this yuckiness that has taken over my life for the last 6 days. I’ve missed work, a leadership class meet-up, classes, and sleep. NO more, I say!

As usual, I have thought about a lot of things during my time of NOT reading. Lent is coming up and I’m working out what I feel I’m being led to let go of and what to do more of. That is, praying and trying to be still and listen. Well, I seem to be in the perfect place for that, huh! My time off of Facebook last year was really good for me, but I don’t know if that’s where I’m being led this time. (However, read on about that shortly.) I am feeling an even stronger pull toward a renewal and growth of relationships with God and family and friends. I’m exploring what that means right now (as in, how that needs to play out), but I do know that what I want to get out of Lent this year is something more lasting than giving up something temporarily.

As far as social networking goes, I have accepted I’m just really into it. I like it. I like interacting and sharing. I have struggled back and forth with issues of wondering if it’s bad for me (in some senses, yes, I believe it is), but I have a very strong feeling right now that with the effort I put into stronger relationships with God and family and friends, the less I’ll be inclined to desire social networking as much — not in the same way. With stronger bonds where they belong, I think I can improve upon my slight addiction to Facebook. (I think. Ha!)

I do know this much: I have to set real disciplined guidelines with myself. I have to be aware of boundaries of time, what’s important, what’s not. I have to ask myself what I want more than this or that, and how can I achieve it, how can I release that which vacuums up the hours of my life that could be better spent on things that matter more to me (again: God, family, friends, and also school and career).

Today, my husband brought me all of this:

Which means more of this:

So, I’ll just go with it and keep thinking’ on.

This post brought to you by Theraflu!

(peaceful, serene, beautiful)

- and can turn into something like this?

(behind in deliveries and then being pulled over for the terrible crime of lacking a license plate light)

That’s how 2012 has felt so far. It started off with a wonderful January, full of goodness and hope. And now, here we are in February, a mere 10 days in and I’ve cried half a dozen times or more for various reasons. We’re dealing with mystery health news with one of my children, a friend who we might lose to terminal cancer, the loss of a friend’s baby, hospitalization of another friend, the death of a local high schooler, and then all kinds of smaller straws that, added up, absolutely break the camel’s back.

I find myself on my knees in prayer, and on my knees trying not to cough myself right into passing out. What I wanted to write today was going to be full of complaining and whining and woe is me, but I recognize the real reason for that: I’m sad, I’m worried, I’m upset, I’m angry, and I’m heartbroken.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33 (NKJV)

I’m clinging to this, but I’m also so very human. It gets really hard sometimes, so what happens is, a customer doesn’t tip, and then the next one doesn’t tip, and before you know it, you’re crying. Really? Over money? A couple of dollars? But the non-tipping is just what’s there right then, what you can rail at, be angry about, because to think of the other things, the ones that are breaking your heart, well, you might not come out of that crying fit for a while. So the anger at the officer who “ruins” your night with the warning ticket about your license plate light, he’s the one at whom you direct your anger.

Honestly, this is why I try to live each day with as much cheerfulness and joy as possible. I am not unaware at how much is falling apart in this world, but rather, I can’t focus on it for too long. It hurts my heart, my head, and my soul. I have to concentrate on the moments that are good, the babies who are born healthy, the test results that come back that we can deal with, the tips I do receive, the homework I do finish, and the friends who come home from the hospital okay.

All too soon, the ride ends. The twists and turns that excite, as well as hurt us, they straighten out and slowly stop. Our hearts beat no longer. If we thought about it too much at all, we’d look forward to what comes after, but instead, we get back in line, hoping for one more day, one more ride.

Where are you? Why have thou forsaken me? You spent 31 days straight with me, and now…nothing? What gives? Why do you hate me?

Crying in the corner,
Your Blog

Dear Prettyful Blog,

I’m in a corner too. But I’m not crying. I’m just hugging myself, rocking back and forth, whispering “I can do this, I can do this” over and over.

Sometimes I sit next to classmates who go on and on about the wild night they had, out partying until 3 a.m., and then they only got a couple hours of sleep. And I’m all like, “Yeah, my Friday was pretty crazy too. I had 15 deliveries and then I didn’t get in bed until 11:30!” And then they turn in their work on time, and my face is red because mine will be late. How do they party and still manage to do their work? Here I am, working, balancing family, writing checks to pay for bills in between writing papers, doing laundry, going to the dentist, photo shoots, grocery store, etc., and I’m NOT partying…and yet I am struggling to keep up. What’s up with that, dear Blog?

I have moments of sheer panic where I’m gathering my books and assignments for the day, and I look down at the current events article I had to find and print for my first class, and I realize with horror that it’s not an article from the last three weeks. In fact, it’s not even from within the last three years. And I weigh out what I can do quickly: Fire up the computer and try again really, REALLY fast and hope I won’t be late to class, or take what I have and suffer the loss of points and be on time for class? Decisions, decisions.

There are times when the professor will email the class to tell us the next day’s plan has changed, to no longer worry about bringing in one book, as we will be working on something else more intensely, and so I go to bed, knowing I don’t have to cram the very dense material, and then I awaken in the middle of the night as I realize, bring it or not, I needed to have read that information so I could finish the assignment due before class that day, and oh my gosh, it’s not gonna happen because I can’t possibly read it all and and and…forget it. Let it go. Sleep on.

My days and nights are full. I know, I know…I did say I thrive on this, and I do. The only issue is in finding balance, because in the middle of it all, life also likes to toss in a few curveballs, and the challenge then is to keep on keepin’ on. Can I do it? Yes I can! But I’m willing to not have to be perfect with all of it. I have to be.

So when I tell you, dear Blog, that it’s not you, it’s me, please believe me. I want to see you, I do. I want to have coffee with you and laugh and share photos. But, alas, life is full up of busy. You’re important, truly, but be patient with me. And lest you notice that I spend some time with Facebook and Twitter, please know it’s never quality time. I’m saving that for you, m’kay? Honest!

Until next time,
Angela

PS: Did I mention how prettyful you are?

Overheard

Shuttle driver to front seat passenger -
“You could always just marry for money.”

“Dude, I love calculus!”
(And not a hint of sarcasm. So I threw up a little.)

“What’s that smell? Oh, it’s me.”

“For all intense purposes…”
“Wait..did you just say ‘intense purposes’?”
“Yeah, why?”
“For all intents and purposes, for all intents and purposes.”
“Why are you repeating that?”
“Never mind. Continue.”

“Yeah man, I have to ride the bus because of cops like that dude there. I was coming over a hill and some b**** was parked illegally at the bottom, and I hit her. So I got my license taken away.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah, and I was speeding in a school zone, too.”

“Nah, I don’t believe in Christians. I’m atheist.”
(OK, but we still exist! Ha ha ha!)

Seriously, people will talk about anything in public! OK, actually I mean this is me and Shae. Ha – we talk about our kids and we laugh a lot about what someone might think if they walked by just a snippet of our conversations.

In other random school news: Just when I finally get used to one space between sentences, APA Sixth Edition brings back two spaces. I think I hate you, APA Sixth Edition!

Also, how amazingly awesome is it that I get to write in MLA AND APA this semester! *twitch*

*T-shirt not included.

But I’m not writing about school today. Kinda. I am a little. See this girl?

She’s my buddy, my pal, my amigo. I call her George. (Not really. I call her Shae. Because that’s her name.) She is a big reason I’m sitting on this bench in the middle of school. You see, she transferred here from where we both used to go. And she inspired me to give it one more go. Here I am, my head doing a countdown to explosion, because of her.

I kid, I kid.

We met at Pikes Peak Community College, and I often think about our days working together, but we never actually worked together. She was just part of the office, if you will, when I worked there, and then when I left, she stepped in. Which means all three of us became very good friends over time.

And really, I’m writing this rambling mushy post because today, our former boss and current forever friend Beth (I DO call her George. It’s not her name. I just told you her name. Her name is Beth.) is now here at our school! It’s like we migrated this way, all separately but together. It’s the little things in life that make me happy, really.

Other little things that make me happy are taking silly pictures of friends and then holding onto said pictures to one day randomly blog them. This is why you should never trust your writerly photographer friends…

But I shall spare you more pictures of dogs (lest you think the husky is my favorite, too) and instead rattle on about nothing. You’re welcome.

===

My professor in Race and Gender said we’d become more and more aware of behavior and whatnot in the world as we study in this class. She’s right. The other day as the husband and I were filing our taxes, I couldn’t help but notice how the tax lady said, “Here’s a manly pen to sign with,” and handed the husband a black pen, and to me,”And here’s a froufrou pen,” and handed me a purple one. Not only did her choice of words stand out, but also the fact that she associated black ink with manly and purple with froufrou (girly). That whole blue and pink thing, you see.

===

Yesterday, I hit myself in the face with my own camera. Skillz: I gots them!

===

The problem with being in school is you start to analyze everything. More than usual. It’s tough to be a reflective type of personality already and still have to deal with the real world where people expect you to hold conversations and such.

===

In reading about stigmatized peoples (for social psychology), it makes me think we all probably believe we’re both normal and stigmatized. Is that our natural reaction to wanting to appear normal but also knowing there is probably something about ourselves that we feel is abnormal?

===

My brain is currently processing a lot of information, but I am thankful to find that each of my classes overlap in some way or another. That certainly helps get some of these ideas stuck in my brain a bit better. Of course, they are all still fighting for room, whereas that pesky Pledge of Allegiance in Spanish is still taking up valuable residential space. It would be nice if I could do an information dump on stuff I really will never use or am now finished with.

===

I had to take a quiz on how to properly use the college library, and I only scored 15 out of 20 points. This shames me to no end.

===

The beautiful, hilarious Heidi shared this with me, in light of a post from earlier this month. You’re welcome!

===

Oh yeah, so something has happened with my being able to respond to your comments here on the blog again. It broke. Again. I think every time WordPress upgrades itself, the plugin goes wonky. And I’m not receiving the comments via email anymore, so my response to this is to wait and see if the comment plugin begins to work again, and if not, to respond anyway and hope each of you sees them. I hate not responding. It bothers me. You took the time to comment, and then I don’t respond? Rude! But I will, somehow…soon. M’kay?

===

The end.

*Where are the aliens? I was just sharing some of the things I’m studying right now. Not real aliens. Well, sorta…

*Don’t worry – January is almost over.