Anger Management - Education, Personality Development

What’s Your Anger Style?

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 10 May 2014 02:13:00 +0000

Sixteen ways to manage your frustration, whether you have a quick temper or a biting sense of humor.

By Jenna McCarthy
Article from http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/

Anger Style: Explosive

What it looks like: "If you leave your jacket on the floor one more time, I'm leaving you!" It may take a lot to push you over the edge, but when you get there, the earth shakes and people run for cover.

Why you might do it: If you were never taught how to deal with irritation, you may habitually swallow it until you can swallow no more. Eventually your top will blow. Some people are anger junkies, who get off on the adrenaline rush of an emotional explosion, not to mention the fact that the onslaught can mean they get their way―at least in the short term.

The damage: It is virtually impossible to feel empathy and anger simultaneously, so in the heat of the moment, you are more likely to say and do overly harsh things that you later regret.

How to Turn It Around

Wait it out. "Research has shown that the neurological anger response lasts less than two seconds," says Ronald Potter-Efron, Ph.D., an anger-management specialist in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and a coauthor of Letting Go of Anger. Beyond that, it takes a commitment to stay angry. Mentally recite the Pledge of Allegiance or count to 10 and see if the urge to explode has diminished.

Own your emotions. A simple rephrasing of your feelings can help you feel more in control. "I'm really upset by your behavior" is much more effective and empowering than %#*&@!.

Anger Style: Self-Abuse

What it looks like: "It's my fault he doesn't help me. I'm a terrible wife." You find a way to make everything your fault, every single time.

Why you might do it: Somewhere along the line, your self-esteem took a beating and you decided that sometimes it's just safer and easier to be mad at yourself than at someone else.

The damage: Constantly turning angry feelings inward can set you up for continued disappointments and even depression.

How to Turn It Around

Question yourself. Every time you feel the urge to assume blame, start by asking yourself, "Who told me I was responsible for this?" Then ask, "Do I really believe that?" Instead of accepting all responsibility, thank yourself for recognizing the pattern in the first place.

Work on your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities. Developing a genuine sense of worthiness is a critical step in overcoming self-blame. Seek out a professional if you need more help in working around this issue.

Anger Style: Avoidance

What it looks like: "I'm fine. It's fine. Everything's fine." Even when there's a fireball of rage burning in your gut, you paste on a happy face and dodge any display of irritation. This isn't passive aggression; it's buried aggression.

Why you might do it: "Women in particular are told over and over again to be nice no matter what. Get angry and you could lose your reputation, marriage, friends, or job," says Potter-Efron. If you grew up in a volatile or abusive home, you may not believe anger can be controlled or expressed calmly.

The damage: The primary function of anger is to signal that something is amiss and encourage resolution. By ignoring that warning sign, you may end up engaging in self-destructive behaviors (overeating, excessive shopping). You're also basically giving the green light to other people's bad behavior or denying them the opportunity to make amends. How can they apologize if they don't know you've been hurt?

How to Turn It Around

Challenge your core beliefs. Ask yourself, "Is it really fine for my employees to leave early whenever they want? For my partner to go golfing every weekend?" If you're honest, the resounding answer to these questions is probably "You know what? It's not fine." Recognizing that something is wrong is the first step to setting it right.

Step outside yourself. Imagine that a friend is the one being abused, overworked, or neglected. What would be the appropriate way for her to respond? Make a list of actions she might take, then ask yourself why it is OK for her, but not you, to react that way.

Embrace healthy confrontation. Someone ticked you off? Tell the person―in a positive, constructive way. Yes, he or she might be surprised, possibly even (gasp!) angered, by your words. And you know what? He or she will get over it. "Avoidance often does more damage to families and friendships than any expression of anger," says Potter-Efron.

Anger Style: Sarcasm

What it looks like: "It's OK that you're late. I had time to read the menu―40 times." You find a roundabout way of getting your digs in, with a half smile.

Why you might do it: You were probably raised to believe that expressing negative emotions directly isn't OK, so you take a more indirect route. If folks get mad, it's their fault, not yours. After all, you were just kidding. Can't people take a joke?

The damage: Even though couched in wit, your cutting comments can damage your relationships. Although some people insist that mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word sarkazein, meaning "to tear flesh like dogs." Ouch.

How to Turn It Around

Give it to them straight. "Sarcasm is passive-aggressive communication," explains Todd. Find words to express how you feel head-on. You might explain to a tardy friend, say, after you're seated, "I wish you would try to be on time, especially when you know we have limited time."

Be firm and clear. This is especially true with children, to whom a gentle "Jumping on the furniture is not acceptable" sends a much clearer message than the snarky "Don't worry―we just happen to have $2,000 set aside for a new sofa."

Speak up before you get bitter. Exercising assertiveness prior to arriving at your breaking point can help prevent a sarcastic streak from popping out.

Anger Style: Passive-Aggressive

What it looks like: "Oops. Did I delete all those old baseball games from the TiVo?" You don't hide or swallow your anger, but you express it in an underhanded way.

Why you might do it: You dislike confrontation, but you're no pushover, either. "People become 'anger sneaks' when they believe they can't stand up to others," says Potter-Efron. Some people who are cautious by nature turn to this style when they feel pushed outside their comfort zones.

The damage: You frustrate people. Todd puts it another way: "You're living your life around making sure other people don't get what they want, instead of striving for what would make you happy." The bottom line: No one wins.

How to Turn It Around

Give yourself permission to get angry. Tell yourself that anger is your psyche's way of saying you're tired of being pushed around. A mantra: Assertiveness is fine; aggression (passive or otherwise) is not.

Advocate for yourself. Instead of "forgetting" to turn in your report at work or showing up late to meetings, gather your courage and tell your boss that your workload has gotten too heavy or that you're having an issue with a coworker. It won't be easy, but neither is looking for another job.

Take control. If you turn to passive aggression when you're uncomfortable with what's expected of you, it's important to do something to take the reins of your situation. Unable to manage the house or the finances solo? Rather than doing a haphazard job of it (subconsciously, of course), tell your partner how important it is that he contributes.

Anger Style: Habitual Irritation

What it looks like: "I am sick and tired of you borrowing my stapler! Get your own!" This is often less a reaction to events and more a default option. It's always on unless you consciously turn it off.

Why you might do it: If your discontent dwells directly below the surface and is constantly seeping through, there's probably resentment, regret, or frustration boiling beneath. Maybe your coworker got the promotion and you didn't. Or your marriage is falling apart and you're not sure why.

The damage: If you're always ready to blow, friends, family, and coworkers may take great pains to avoid upsetting you. Or they may avoid you altogether. The most likely result? No progress―you stay stuck in the same vicious cycle.

How to Turn It Around

Get to the heart of it. What are you really mad about? If you dig deep, you'll realize it probably isn't about a stapler―or dirty socks on the floor, or an empty milk carton in the refrigerator, or any of the other small things that make you so frustrated. Consider professional intervention if you can't get to the bottom of it on your own.

Tune in to anger clues. Become aware of the actions and feelings associated with your irritation. When you're enraged, do you ball your hands into fists? Pace around the room? Grumble, swear, or grit your teeth? As you identify and experience each physiological response, make a mindful effort to do something―anything―else.

Visualize peace. Try this technique to stop rising anger before it overtakes you. Imagine your breath as a wave, a surge of color, or even a breeze. Watch it come in and out; optimally each breath will be deep and quiet. Hear yourself speaking calmly and softly to yourself and to others. Your anger reflex should diminish another degree each time you do this imaging.

Jenna McCarthy
Article from http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Don't Manage Your Anger at Work, Channel It

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 03 May 2014 03:14:00 +0000

Article from http://mashable.com/2014/04/30/anger-management-workplace/
Erin Greenawald for The Daily Muse

The Muse offers career advice for the digital world, including exciting job opportunities, expert advice, and a peek behind the scenes into fantastic companies & career paths.

When you think about the right way to handle getting riled up at work, you probably think of anger management. After all, the best way to remain professional is to stay cool, calm, and collected — right?

Turns out, though, anger in the office might help you out more than you think (if you know how to channel it right). A recent article by Jeff Haden of Inc. reports that some of the world’s most successful leaders — think the Steve Jobs’ and Jeff Bezos’ of the world — regularly express all manner of emotions, including anger. The difference between them and your co-worker who throws an adult tempter tantrum every time things don’t go his or her way? They know how to stay in control of their anger and harness it for its benefits (extra focus and a boost of adrenaline-driven confidence) rather than make a fool of themselves.

So what does this look like in action? Inc. suggests two great ways to keep your anger in check and productive. First, try handling these emotions as they come, rather than letting them bottle up until you explode with embarrassing rage:

When you feel irritated, don’t swallow those feelings. Think about how you feel. Think about why you feel the way you feel. Then work with how you feel. Say what you need to say, letting a little of your irritation show through. You won’t have to worry about losing your cool because, after all, you aren’t angry — you’re just irritated.

Second, try channeling your anger towards an action, rather than a person. If an employee makes a mistake, yelling at him is counterproductive (and makes you look like a terrible boss). By focusing on the situation that you’re angry about, rather than the person, you can use your anger in a more productive way:

Saying, "You do a great job, but I’m really struggling to understand why you did that. Can we talk about it?" Directing your frustration at the action and not the employee helps reduce his or her feelings of defensiveness while still allowing you to express your frustration — which will help you both focus on solving the problem.

So, next time you’re feeling a little miffed at the office, don’t swallow that feeling. Make sure it’s not controlling you, yes, but use it in a controlled way to help you achieve your goals.

Article from http://mashable.com/2014/04/30/anger-management-workplace/
Erin Greenawald for The Daily Muse

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Advances in anger management

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 10:56:00 +0000

Researchers and practitioners are examining what works best for managing problem anger.

By JENNIFER DAW HOLLOWAY
Monitor Staff
March 2003, Vol 34, No. 3
From http://www.apa.org/monitor

Rob comes to therapy at the urging of his wife. He's prone to angry outbursts--especially while driving. He says things such as, 'I'm not doing anything unsafe, it's that jerk in front of us who's going too slow, who made me slam on my brakes.' He admits he spends a good portion of his day angry at one thing or another.

Most practicing psychologists have seen plenty of angry patients like Rob in therapy. While most recognize problematic anger in their patients, they may or may not be clear on how to treat it.

Psychologist Howard Kassinove, PhD, of Hofstra University, says the number of patients he saw clinically for problem anger just didn't correspond with the relative lack of attention to it in the academic literature. "Anger has been an understudied emotion," he says. "I was in clinical practice for more than 25 years. An enormous number of people come in with anger problems, but the literature base is small, there are no anger diagnostic categories and psychology textbooks rarely mention anger."

Diagnosing problem anger

Most normal people experience anger a few times a week, says Kassinove. According to a 1997 study by him and his colleagues, 58 percent of anger episodes include yelling or screaming. And less than 10 percent involve physical aggression. Even then, the aggression is usually mild and consists of throwing small objects, such as pencils, or shoving. Anger can even be positive (see page 44). But what characteristics define problematic or dysfunctional anger versus normal anger?

A study published last year by Kassinove, R. Chip Tafrate, PhD, and L. Dundin in the Journal of Clinical Psychology (Vol. 58, No. 12) found that people with high trait anger have anger reactions that are more frequent, intense and enduring. They also tend to report more physical aggression, negative verbal responses, drug use and negative consequences of their anger. In general, their anger negatively affects their relationships, their health and their jobs.

Such anger that "disrupts or interferes with sense of self or normal routines" could warrant therapy, says Colorado State University psychologist Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD.

Anger experts note, however, that unlike most clinical problems, there is no diagnostic category for anger. "The DSM doesn't have any diagnostic categories where anger is the presenting issue," says Deffenbacher. "We don't have any parallel diagnoses." So, he adds, the degree to which anger becomes a real problem is "a fuzzy call."

Some psychologists--among them Raymond DiGiuseppe, PhD--are working to fill this diagnostic need. DiGiuseppe, chair of the psychology department at St. John's University in New York, is conducting research to validate a set of criteria for an anger diagnosis. But that still leaves open the question of tailoring the treatment to the diagnosis. "Given all the different distinctions we have about anxiety disorders, they help us develop more treatments," says DiGiuseppe. "We have no such distinction for anger. Everyone gets the same treatment."

Though some experts believe an anger-related diagnostic category could be helpful, others argue against it. Some say it isn't necessary because anger may be a symptom of another disorder. Others argue that a distinct anger diagnosis could be used wrongfully in court, for example, to explain--and perhaps create a defense for--criminally violent behavior.

Techniques to reduce anger

Diagnostic categories or no, psychologists are still faced with treating anger in the therapy room. Yet how are they to do that?

"I think there are three strategies or combinations of them that have the most empirical research behind them," says Deffenbacher. The strategies--relaxation, cognitive therapy and skill development--are new applications of existing concepts, he says.

Since the 1980s, he and his colleagues have been studying whether cognitive and relaxation techniques affect anger. Angry college students and drivers in his studies reduced their anger levels from the 85th percentile to normal levels on Spielberger's Trait Anger Scale, using relaxation. "You can't be calm and relaxed and pissed off as hell at the same time," Deffenbacher jokes.

Here's how the relaxation technique works: Clinicians train patients in progressive relaxation until they can quickly use personal cues, such as words, phrases or images--one woman learned to visualize a cross--to relax in an anger-inducing situation.

"We have people identify what makes them very angry. With drivers, for example, when people flip them off or go too slow," says Deffenbacher. "Then we have them visualize that intensely for a minute or two and then help them relax...so they get angry and then relax it away. We do that over and over again." By the end of approximately eight sessions, the patients should learn to relax themselves, without therapist assistance.

"The analogy I like to use is it's like weight loss," he says. "They come in and get [rid of] a lot of anger. I don't want to see them angry again, so we shift the focus to maintenance and prevention eventually."

Cognitive therapy--in which psychologists help patients see alternative ways of thinking and reacting to anger--is another helpful treatment strategy, says Deffenbacher.

"A lot of ways in which we think when we're angry make situations worse," he explains. "Suppose you're driving to work and you get cut off. You think, 'You idiot,' about the other driver. But you could think 'Whoa, that was an accident waiting to happen.'" He also recommends focusing on compatible and appropriate behaviors with patients. "If I'm an abusive parent, I may need parenting skills. If I'm an angry driver, I need safe driving skills," he says. Any of the three techniques, or any combination of them, takes "practice, practice, practice," says Deffenbacher.

The combination of techniques also seems to produce the most positive effect. For example, several of Deffenbacher's studies with angry college students, including one in 1996 in Cognitive Therapy and Research (Vol. 20, No. 6), using a cognitive-relaxation intervention showed that anger was lowered for most participants--with effect sizes of 1.0 generally, which is statistically significant.

Kassinove and Tafrate, co-authors of "Anger Management: The Complete Treatment Guidebook for Practitioners" (Impact, 2002), envision similar combinations of interventions in a model that incorporates four stages of change:

Preparing for change. Deffenbacher agrees this stage is often overlooked but is key to success. Kassinove says clinicians need to start by helping patients increase their motivation and awareness of their anger.

Changing. This stage includes assertiveness training, avoiding and escaping from anger-invoking situations, and a "barb exposure technique" that triggers patients' anger and then teaches them to relax.

Accepting and adjusting. At this point, patients are taught how to reconceptualize their anger triggers, forgive others and avoid carrying a grudge against those who might anger them.

Maintaining change. It's best to conclude treatment with a long-term plan. New triggers might re-ignite anger, so we try to include relapse prevention training, Kassinove advises.

The future of anger reduction

As researchers continue their search for effective treatments, emerging evidence suggests that some treatment types work better than others with problem anger. For example, most research now says that catharsis--"letting it all out"--isn't helpful and, in fact, may increase a person's hostility, according to a 1999 study by psychologist Brad Bushman, PhD, and colleagues, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 76, No. 3).

And DiGiuseppe says that his own meta-analytic review has found group therapy to be less effective than individual therapy. "Group members tend to reinforce each other with their anger and antisocial attitudes of expressing it," he explains.

There are many other areas worthy of exploration, say DiGiuseppe and Deffenbacher, such as the use of motivational interviewing, readiness to change and the role of revenge in problem anger.

And though there is a growing body of literature on anger reduction, researchers need to step up their attention to anger treatment and diagnosis, according to Kassinove and Tafrate. The development of diagnostic criteria for anger won't happen until the experience of anger is better understood, they say.

JENNIFER DAW HOLLOWAY
Monitor Staff
March 2003, Vol 34, No. 3
From http://www.apa.org/monitor/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

How to Defuse Anger in Ourselves & Others

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:45:00 +0000

By MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.
Associate Editor
Article from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/

“Anger can destroy marriages, business partnerships and countries,” said Joe Shrand, M.D., an instructor at Harvard Medical School and co-author of the valuable, practical and science-based book Outsmarting Anger: 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion with Leigh Devine, MS.

Fortunately, each of us holds the power to defuse our own anger and even others,’ Dr. Shrand said. This is especially critical because often it’s not our own fuse that hinders our success; it’s someone else’s, he said.

The key in cooling anger lies in respect. As Dr. Shrand said, when was the last time you got angry with someone who showed you respect?

“Anger is designed to change the behavior of someone else. Being respected feels great, so why would we want to change that?”

Another key lies in using our prefrontal cortex, instead of letting our primitive limbic system run amok. Our limbic system is the ancient part of the brain known as the “lizard brain,” according to Shrand, also medical director of CASTLE (Clean and Sober Teens Living Empowered) at the High Point Treatment Center in New Bedford, Mass. It houses our emotions, impulses and memory. And it’s the source of our fight-or-flight response.

The prefrontal cortex is the more advanced, newer part of our brains known as the “executive center.” It helps us plan, solve problems, make decisions and control our impulses. It’s the prefrontal cortex that helps us in deactivating anger in ourselves and others.

Recognizing & Defusing Your Own Rage

Anger is a perfectly normal part of being human, Shrand said. It becomes dangerous when we’re unable to recognize it, or it transforms into aggression. So it’s important to first understand and defuse your own anger.

Angry runs on a spectrum, from irritation to rage. Shrand suggested creating your own anger scale from 1 to 10. For instance, his 10-point scale looks like this: “irritation, aggravation, annoyance, frustration, impatience, displeasure, anger, wrath, fury and rage.” Figure out your triggers for all 10 levels.

Pay attention when your anger surpasses level 5. That’s when our limbic system overwhelms the prefrontal cortex, Shrand writes in Outsmarting Anger. And that’s when we’re more likely to get into verbal or even physical fights.

According to Shrand, there are three major reasons, or domains, why we get angry: resources, such as food and money; residence, which includes not just your home, but your community, work, school and country; and relationships, which include your close family, coworkers, political party and religion.

Specifically, the suspicion that someone wants to take something away from us – resource, residence or relationship – can activate our anger. Another trigger is envy, when someone has something we want in any of the three domains.

To better understand your own anger, Strand suggested considering the various triggers in each of these domains.

Once you recognize the presence of your anger, it’s vital to channel it, he said. “Anger doesn’t have to be destructive but [can be] constructive.” Shrand advised against punching things because you can “go from a pillow to a face.” Instead, “defuse the energy of anger.”

Go for a run, focus on your artwork or finish a DIY project, he said. “Break something that needs to be broken.” As he said, the most amazing works, including music, poetry and art, have been created from anger.

Defusing Other People’s Anger

According to Shrand, you can deactivate another person’s anger by not getting angry yourself. In fact, doing so can connect you to others in profound ways. Take the following example. A stranger was putting up a yard sale sign on Shrand’s lawn. He was pretty annoyed, but, as he approached the man, decided to calmly ask him what he was doing. The man responded defensively.

But Shrand responded with a joke, which eased the tension. This led to a meaningful conversation. Shrand learned that this man – his neighbor – was having a yard sale to finally sell his wife’s belongings, three years after her passing. “His eyes welled with tears as he spoke, this man who just a few moments before had been a burly stranger engaged in a meaningless defensive posture,” he writes in his book.

Shrand’s calm and amicable demeanor sent the message to his neighbor’s brain that Shrand wasn’t a threat. He wasn’t going to steal the man’s resources, residence or relationship.

Another important component of deactivating another’s anger is empathy. For instance, in the above example, Shrand showed his neighbor that he was interested in him and wanted to better understand his thoughts and behavior, which sent another message: “You have value to me.”

And that’s a powerful thing. As Shrand said, “In our heart of hearts, a human being wants to feel valued by another human being.” “Feeling valued leads to trust. In turn, the feeling of trust reduces the other person’s anxiety and potential for anger,” he writes in Outsmarting Anger.

Shrand encouraged readers to “Keep it frontal, don’t go limbic.” In other words, focus on your prefrontal cortex, without getting suspicious of others or lashing out.

You might worry that this leaves you vulnerable to being exploited. But “you’re enhancing your survival potential. You become seen as a benefactor yourself… or a person of integrity and character that others want to be around [and trust].”

Cooperation trumps competition. Group dynamics research has found that while selfish members do better temporarily, altruists win, because they are working cooperatively, he said.

You also never know where people are coming from or the day they’ve had. While we don’t have control over anyone, we do influence everyone, he said. “We have to decide what kind of influence we want to be.”

MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.
Associate Editor
Article from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Anger may raise heart attack risk, study finds

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 15 May 2013 11:04:00 +0000

By Trevor Stokes
Reuters
Article from http://vitals.nbcnews.com/_news/

Bottling up emotions is thought to harm both mind and body, but a new study suggests that the opposite extreme may be no better.

In a study of thousands of heart attack patients, those who recalled having flown into a rage during the previous year were more than twice as likely to have had their heart attack within two hours of that episode, compared to other times during the year.

"There is transiently higher risk of having a heart attack following an outburst of anger," said study author Elizabeth Mostofsky, postdoctoral fellow with the Cardiovascular Epidemiology Research Unit at Harvard Medical School in Boston.

The greater the fury - including throwing objects and threatening others - the higher the risk, Mostofsky's team reports in The American Journal of Cardiology. The most intense outbursts were linked to a more than four-fold higher risk while milder bouts of anger were tied to less than twice the risk.

"The association is consistently stronger with increasing anger intensity; it's not just that any anger is going to increase your risk," Mostofsky told Reuters Health

The data came from a group of 3,886 patients who were part of a study between 1989 and 1996 to determine what brought on their heart attacks.

Within four days of having a myocardial infarction - the classic "heart attack" - participants were asked about a range of events in the preceding year, as well as about their diets, lifestyles, exercise habits and medication use.

A total of 1,484 participants reported having outbursts of anger in the previous year, 110 of whom had those episodes within two hours of the onset of their heart attacks.

Participants recalled their anger on a seven-point scale that ranged from irritation to a rage that caused people to lose control.

The researchers found that with each increment of anger intensity, the risk of heart attack in the next two hours rose. That risk was 1.7 times greater after feeling "moderately angry, so hassled it shows in your voice;" and 2.3 times greater after feeling "very tense, body tense, clenching fists or teeth" and 4.5 times greater after feeling "enraged! lost control, throwing objects, hurting yourself or others."

The most frequent causes of anger outbursts that participants recalled were family issues, conflicts at work and commuting.

Although the research cannot prove that the angry outbursts led to the heart attacks, the results "make sense," according to Dr. James O'Keefe Jr, a cardiologist at St. Luke's Hospital in Kansas City who wasn't involved in the research.

Anger is an emotion that releases the fight-or-flight-response chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine, he said.

Those hormones raise our blood pressure, our pulse, constrict blood vessels, make blood platelets stickier (increasing the risk of blood clots), which O'Keefe says could be one way anger may be associated with increased heart risk.

"Contrary to the urban myth that it's best to express anger and get it out there, expressing anger takes a toll on your system and there's nothing really cathartic about it," O'Keefe told Reuters Health.

"(Anger) serves no purpose other than to corrode the short and long-term health of your heart and blood vessels," he said.

In the study, patients on blood pressure medications known as beta blockers had a reduced chance of having a heart attack following an angry outburst, Mostofsky's team notes in their report.

The authors say that finding suggests doctors might consider using those drugs preventively in people at risk of heart attack and prone to anger.

In discussing other possibilities for protecting people at risk, the researchers also write that during the 1990s when the data were collected, not enough study participants were on the newer statin drugs to determine their potential effects on heart attack risk.

Similarly, the number of participants who were on antidepressants was too low to tell whether they would have made a difference. would have made a difference.

Regular exercise, Mostofsky and her colleagues write, has been shown to lower overall heart attack risk. Though they found no differences in the link between angry outbursts and short-term heart attack risk among regular exercisers in the study, they conclude that maintaining an active lifestyle couldn't hurt.

The study is part of a broader field of research looking at managing the effects of emotional states on cardiovascular systems, said Donald Edmondson, assistant professor of behavioral medicine at Columbia University Medical Center in New York, who studies heart attack survivors but was not involved in the new work.

"People prone to angry outbursts or more broadly, who are prone to anxiety, depression or other intense emotions should be aware that this is something that impacts their cardiovascular system," Edmondson told Reuters Health.

Trevor Stokes
Reuters
Article from http://vitals.nbcnews.com/_news/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

7 Mistaken Assumptions Angry People Make

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:03:00 +0000

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
Article from http://psychcentral.com/

“I guess I have an anger problem. I lose my temper pretty quick. But it’s not like my wife doesn’t do things to make me mad.”

Richard has reluctantly come to treatment because his wife took out a restraining order after their last fight. He admits he lost control. He acknowledges that maybe he said things he shouldn’t have. But he also thinks she shouldn’t have done or said what she did. “I can’t help getting mad when she jerks my chain. I can’t let her get away with that!” he says.

What Richard doesn’t yet understand is this: Temper isn’t something you lose. It’s something you decide to throw away.

Raging, shouting, name-calling, throwing things and threatening harm is all a big bluff. It’s the human equivalent of animal behavior. From the puffer fish that puffs itself up to twice its size to look more intimidating to the lion on the veldt who shakes his mane and roars, creatures who feel threatened posture and threaten in order to protect themselves and their turf. The display often is enough to get the predator or interloper to back off. If not, the fight — or flight — is on.

People who rage are the same. Feeling a threat, they posture. They throw away all mature controls and rant and rage like an out-of-control 2-year-old. It’s impressive. It’s scary. It gets folks around them to walk around on eggshells. Others often let them “win” just to get away.

But are they happy? Usually not. When I talk to the Richards of the world, they usually just want things to go right. They want respect. They want their kids and their partners to give them the authority they think they deserve. Sadly, their tactics backfire. Not knowing what might set him off, kids, partners, coworkers and friends distance and leave him more and more alone.

Helping someone like Richard with “anger management” requires more than helping him learn how to express his angry feelings appropriately. Giving him practical skills alone assumes more control than he can probably hold on to. To be able to integrate those skills into his self-image, he needs to reconsider some of his basic assumptions about life and his place in it.

7 Mistaken Assumptions Angry People Often Make

They can’t help it. Angry people have lots of excuses. Women will blame their PMS. Both sexes will blame their stress, their exhaustion, or their worries. Never mind that other people who have PMS or who are stressed, tired, or worried don’t pop off at the world. Angry people don’t yet understand that they are actually giving themselves permission to rant. In that sense, they are very much in control.
The only way to express anger is to explode. People who rage believe that anger is like the buildup of steam in an overheated steam engine. They think they need to blow off the steam in order to be OK. In fact, raging tends only to produce more of the same.
Frustration is intolerable. Angry people can’t sit with frustration, anxiety or fear. To them, such feelings are a signal that they are being challenged. When life doesn’t go their way, when someone doesn’t see things as they do, when their best-laid plans get interrupted or they make a mistake, they simply can’t tolerate it. To them, it’s better to blow than to be left with those feelings. They don’t get it that frustration is a normal part of everyone’s life and that it is often the source of creativity and inspiration.
It’s more important to win than to be right. Chronically angry people often have the idea that their status is at stake when there is conflict. When questioned, they take it overly personally. If they are losing an argument, they experience a loss of self-esteem. At that moment, they need to assert their authority, even if they are wrong. When it is certain that they are wrong, they will find a way to prove that the other person is more wrong. For mature people, self-esteem is grounded in being able to put ego aside in order to find the best solution.
“Respect” means that people do things their way. When another driver tailgates, when a partner refuses to go along with a plan, when a kid doesn’t jump when told to do something, they feel disrespected. To them, disrespect is intolerable. Making a lot of noise and threatening is their way of reasserting their right to “respect” by others. Sadly, when the basis of “respect” is fear, it takes a toll on love and caring.
The way to make things right is to fight. Some angry people have learned at the feet of a master. Having grown up with parents who fight, it is their “normal.” They haven’t a clue how to negotiate differences or manage conflict except by escalating. Then they become very much like the parent they loathed and feared when they were kids.
Other people should understand that they didn’t mean what they did or said when they were angry. Angry people feel that anger entitles them to let loose. It’s up to other people not to take seriously hurtful things they say or do. After all, they say, they were just angry. They don’t get it that other people are legitimately hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, or afraid.

Helping my patient Richard means helping him identify which of these assumptions are driving his temper tantrums. Some or all may apply. He may even have a few that are more uniquely his own. Teaching him rules for anger management, although important, isn’t enough to have long-term impact. Changing his assumptions will enable him to use such skills with conviction and confidence.

Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
Article from http://psychcentral.com/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

A handle on grief

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 11 May 2013 09:36:00 +0000

May 11, 2013 in Features
Article from http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2013/may/11/a-handle-on-grief/

Barlow

Support group teaches, allows men to work through their losses

From his work as an educator, counselor and state legislator, from his background as an Ottawa Indian, an Episcopalian and a community volunteer, and from his experience as a parent, spouse and man, Don Barlow knows that each person deals with loss and grief in different ways.

Since last fall, he has volunteered with Hospice of Spokane to lead a men’s grief support group that meets Thursdays.

While his parents lived long, dying five years apart at age 91, the losses of his son, Jason, of a brain tumor in 1980 at age 10, of his second wife Elvera of pancreatic cancer in 1987 at age 47, and of his stepdaughter Laura of breast cancer in 1997 at age 29 – give him insights beyond his academic and therapeutic training and experience.

Barlow earned a bachelor’s degree in 1962 and a master’s degree in 1967, both from the University of Idaho. He worked at community mental health centers in his hometown of Boise, and in Twin Falls and Idaho Falls during and after his studies.

After earning a doctoral degree in educational administration at Pennsylvania State in 1978, he came to Spokane and worked with the school district until 1991, when he went into private practice, specializing in grief counseling.

While he was in college, he realized there was a program to help women students, but nothing for men, so he started a men’s student support program.

Similarly, he said, there is little to help men deal with their grief, losses, relationships, parenting and setting goals.

“Men and women grieve in different ways,” Barlow said. “We expect people to grieve as we do, but everyone has their own way of grieving. There is no timeline.

“Some men may do more physical activity to relieve their stress – running or weights. Some men may be stoic and not cry, considering that a sign of weakness,” he said. “Women go to a support group and cry to express their grief. So if men don’t cry, people wonder if they are feeling grief. They are, but they exhibit it in different ways.”

Leading a men’s grief group is something Barlow has wanted to do because of his positive experience with Hospice when his wife and stepdaughter died.

“If just men are together, they are more likely to discuss things with each other they wouldn’t talk about if they are with women. Many men are used to being silent, not speaking about their feelings,” he said.

“Tough guys come and at first just sit there, but eventually participate. It’s easy to draw them out just by asking, ‘What do you think?’ Then they are in the game,” he said. “Most have come because someone told them to come.”

Barlow said some men may turn their grief into anger and have problems managing it.

The support group is a way to let out their anger and find that others feel the same.

“The more we understand ourselves, the better we are in the long run,” Barlow said. “There is much unrelieved grief. Delay in dealing with grief can cause some men problems.”

In the 1970s, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, coping and accepting – as if they were steps to go through in that order.

“Not following in those steps does not mean a person is not dealing with grief, just dealing with it in a different way,” said Barlow, who keeps up with the latest techniques and therapies.

“We need to respect that people have different stories and different ways of grieving. Some need and want a road map, because we are not taught how to deal with grief and loss.”

A member of St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church who has also been in a Southern Baptist Church, Barlow does not promote any faith perspective in the group.

He lets the men talk about their faith, based on their personal experiences, sensitive to the role faith can play in grief and healing.

Because of his experience, he offers reassurance when men ask, “Am I going to feel better?”

He knows that losses may weaken some and strengthen others, but overall trusts that they will feel better. It may be years, months or weeks. Everyone has their own rate.

May 11, 2013 in Features

Article from http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2013/may/11/a-handle-on-grief/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Do's and Don'ts of Teaching Your Child to Cope with Anger

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 09 May 2013 09:27:00 +0000

Dr. Gail GrossFamily & Child Expert, Educator, Author. Ph.D. Ed.D.
Posted: 05/06/2013 3:04 pm
From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/dos-and-donts-of-teaching-your-child-to-cope-with-anger_b_3202744.html

Do you find your child lashing out? Are you having trouble communicating with your child during moments of extreme frustration or aggression? While children are growing and still learning how to cope with anger, they tend to instinctively use anger as a defense against physical and emotional pain. As the parent, there are many ways you can help your child through these emotional moments.

Here are some helpful tips to teach your children how to cope with anger:

1. DO recognize and acknowledge your child's feelings. If you validate your child's feelings, then your child doesn't need to defend those feelings and is less likely to respond in anger. Acknowledging feelings causes your child's anger to soften and leaves a safe space in which he or she can learn empathy and coping skills. On the other hand, if you discount your children's feelings and experience, their anger will intensify as they fight to establish and validate their own sense of self.

2. DO practice empathy. By listening to your child's feelings without interruption or defense, you create space for your child's anger to dissipate, as they no longer need to use up energy defending the fairness of their position. By empathizing with your child's feelings, you are helping them regulate the cortisol -- the fight-or-flight chemical -- that emerges through emotional stress. The consistency of your open reception to your child's anger teaches him or her to react less emotionally and more critically. Ultimately, this is how nature and nurture come into balance, as a child's behavior affects body chemistry and therefore, their emotional control.

3. DO teach your children problem-solving skills. Neurological tracking occurs when children creatively problem-solve. The more children practice and rehearse problem-solving rather than emotional reacting, the more their neurological pathways assist them in controlling their impulses. Parents can teach their children how to recognize, acknowledge and appropriately cope with their feelings by asking questions that prompt children to think up their own solutions, such as "What do you think would happen if you did Choice A instead of Choice B?" or, "What sort of options do you think are available to you and what do you need to do to find a resolution?"

4. DO establish clear standards for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. This means that though we want to validate all our child is feeling, allowing those emotions does not translate into the acceptance of bad behavior. There are common rules of engagement which include: no hitting, throwing, breaking objects or disrespect. By involving children in establishing the consequences for their behavior, you will find that your children are more likely to respect the rules. By limiting your children's aggressive behavior, you are in a sense establishing a safety container for their feelings.

5. DO teach your child relaxation methods. By teaching children progressive relaxation, breathing techniques and other self-managing tools for stress, they can calm themselves down when confronted with anger. These techniques not only change the neural pathways, but also affect impulse control. Like every habit, the more your do it, the better you become at it. For example, if a child learns to breath in before giving in to the impulsive act of hitting, it gives that child a sense of control and lessens the need to establish control by acting out.

6. DO try a "time in" instead of a "time out." As the parent, you are your child's main guide in life, and as their guide, they rely on you to be there with them through their emotional experience, whatever that may be. Therefore, no time out, no isolation. Instead, try a "time in" -- sit with your child and incorporate other methods mentioned in this post: work on breathing with them, ask them questions about their feelings. The important thing is to be fully present with them to help them through their emotions. Remember, you are teaching your child social cues and skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When children are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create concrete reasons for low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating bad behavior.

7. DON'T attempt to orchestrate your child's feelings. It is important to value what your child is experiencing. For example, if your child is hurt or crying, never say to them: "Stop crying." But rather, validate your child's experience, saying, "I know that hurts; that would make me cry also." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free floating anxiety and anger.

As an ally, your child learns to trust you, realizing you are there for them -- no matter what, right or wrong, and that they can count on that. If your child can trust you, they can learn to trust themselves and the outer world. If, for example, your child tells you they hate you, or wants you to leave them alone, it is important to assure them that you will be nearby and that you will always be there for them -- no matter what.

8. DON'T go down to your child's level of behavior. Consciously and deliberately step into your role as the adult and remain there for the entire stressful episode. Little children can really work themselves up emotionally, especially while defending their position. Your job as a parent is to stay composed. Your state of calm allows your child to feel safe in the midst of chaos. A parent is always a child's touchstone, the one they look toward, for security and safety. Children become afraid when their parents display anger. By staying in your adult role, you are teaching your child that it is okay to feel angry, and that when the feeling passes, you are still there, holding a secure space for them.

9. DO teach your children to recognize anger cues. If children can self-monitor, they can self-manage. By recognizing the feelings that accompany anger, children can recognize the onset of those emotions. This gives them time in which to self-manage before they are caught in the chaos of emotion. If you see that your child is over-tired or cranky, you have the opportunity as a parent to teach them to recognize their oncoming emotions by resting with your child, reading to your child, or spending some cozy time together.

10. DO teach your children how to bring their feelings to consciousness. By recognizing the emotions that drive their behavior, children can learn to skillfully manage that behavior. Writing, drawing and painting are wonderful ways to express the issues that are bothering children, especially if they have trouble verbalizing their emotions. When my children were little and reached the point of no return in their emotional intensity, I bought a Shmoo, which is balloon that can be punched and pops back up. I gave permission for my children to use the pillows on their bed or the Shmoo to release some of the pent-up feelings of emotions. Once those feelings are out in the open, you can collaborate with your child to find ways of coping with these feelings empathically.

11. Invest your child in the process of managing their anger. Ask your children to give you some tips on how they could positively manage their emotions. Make a list of five actions they can take -- such as breathing deeply for one minute or drawing a picture -- and leave the list somewhere your child can see it, such as his or her bedroom door or on your refrigerator door.

12. DO bond with your child. A well-bonded child can learn to cope and manage his or her emotions, to problem-solve, to process and to stick with a problem until it is resolved. They are also more adventuresome and will creatively explore different options as solutions to problems. The well-bonded child feels like he or she can depend on parents.

In the end, remember that you, as the parent, make all the difference. By following these tips, you can help strengthen your relationship with your child and give them the tools they need to cope with their anger. If you notice that your child has relationship problems, is a bully, or tries to hurt themselves, others or animals, do consider seeking professional help for both you and your child.

If you would like to learn more about how children process anger, please visit my website www.DrGailGross.com

Dr. Gail GrossFamily & Child Expert, Educator, Author. Ph.D. Ed.D.
Posted: 05/06/2013 3:04 pm
From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/dos-and-donts-of-teaching-your-child-to-cope-with-anger_b_3202744.html

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Corralling Your Anger

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 08 May 2013 00:21:00 +0000

We face situations in every aspect of our lives that can move us to anger. Here are some ways to defuse these tense moments

by Bruce Weinstein, PhD

All we have to do is open the newspaper, turn on the TV, or look at the world around us, and it won't take long to find something that makes us mad. Whether it's the high price of groceries and gas, the indignities of air travel, or the person in the next cubicle yakking loudly on a cell phone during working hours, every day we encounter plenty of things to keep our blood pressure at an unhealthy high.

It can be harmful to others and ourselves to vent our anger, but it can also be unhealthy and unwise to keep it bottled up. I will therefore offer five guidelines to make anger work for us instead of against us and that are grounded in the principles of ethics. I'll also show how these guidelines can be applied to three common and frustrating situations at work: the annoying co-worker, the incompetent assistant, and the hands-off boss. But first, let's take a look at what anger is, and why this emotion raises ethical issues.

Is Anger Inevitable?

Anger is the intense feeling associated with a perceived injustice. When you're trying to a enjoy a movie and the person next to you carries on a conversation with his companion in a normal tone of voice, you get angry, because you feel he is doing something he shouldn't be doing. Employees who spend too much time at work making personal phone calls or surfing the Internet incur the wrath of their boss and their colleagues because they're doing something they shouldn't be doing (and not doing something they should be doing, namely their work).

Although the experience of anger is psychological, its roots are in the realm of ethics; we get angry when we believe others have violated their ethical obligations to be fair (BusinessWeek.com, 2/15/07) or to treat us with respect (BusinessWeek.com, 1/31/07).

Ethics plays a role not just in what gives rise to our anger, but in what we choose to do with it. The expression of anger can be harmful, and we have an ethical obligation to do no harm. Domestic violence, sexual assault, and murder are the most extreme examples of what happens when anger get out of hand.

But death and physical trauma are not the only harms that can result from the free expression of anger. Insulting, threatening, or demeaning a person can produce feelings of anxiety or fear that are forms of harm, even if that person emerges without bruises or broken bones. Taking ethics seriously and being a person of conscience therefore means, in part, ensuring our anger doesn't get out of hand.

Five Rules of Engagement

Thich Nhat Hanh, the celebrated Vietnamese Buddhist monk, noted that some people believe a good way to deal with anger is to beat up a pillow. However, he believes this makes us feel worse because we intensify the very feelings we're trying to dissipate. Keeping our anger bottled up isn't an acceptable solution either, since doing so won't change the situation we're angry about, and we're more likely to erupt with hostility somewhere down the line, which benefits no one. What, then, are some better ways of dealing with anger?

Here are my suggestions for using anger constructively and ethically when you encounter a situation that makes you angry:

1. STOP: Don't react right away. Take some time to assess what is going on.

2. BREATHE: Deeply. Cooling down will make it easier to come up with a strategy that will succeed.

3. LOOK: At the matter from another point of view. What are all of the possible explanations for why this is happening?

4. ASK: "What response is most likely to be effective?" It probably won't involve blowing your stack.

5. GET: Help if need be. The problem may be too big to handle alone. Help can even be in the form of some feedback from another person.

This is a commonsense approach to tackling infuriating situations with a cool head. Decisions made when we're boiling with rage rarely turn out to be good ones.

How might we apply this five-step approach in our daily lives?

The Annoying Co-worker

Whether it's their music played too loudly, personal cell-phone conversations that go on and on, or too frequent visits to your office that waste time, co-workers can really get on your nerves, can't they? It's tempting to tell them to shut up or get lost, but not only is this disrespectful, it's not likely to get you what you want.

Instead of quietly seething, only to erupt in anger when you can't take it anymore, why not let the annoying person know as kindly as possible that what he's doing is making it difficult for you to get your work done, and then state whatever it is you'd like to have happen? The only way for us to have our needs met is to make it clear to others what those needs are.

The Incompetent Assistant

When a person who works for you can't meet your standards, berating her and saying demeaning things is, as in the situation above, disrespectful and ineffective. If you've read other Ask the Ethics Guy columns, you know the recurring theme: Taking the high road isn't just the right thing to do; it's also the smart thing to do.

The problem could be that your assistant is intimidated by you, and fear is getting in the way of his doing a good job. It could also be that the talents and skills this person has aren't matched by the job assignment. It might even be the case that your standards are too high, and no one—not even you—could reasonably be expected to meet them.

Isn't it in your own interest to try to find out what is really going on? Falling into the familiar pattern of getting angry, not getting the results you want, and then getting angrier won't accomplish anything. As the saying goes, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

The Hands-off Boss

Some bosses get on your nerves because they're always on your case, but it's just as bad, if not worse, to have a supervisor who has too little involvement in your work. A good manager has to be present and can't assume subordinates will be able to figure out what he or she wants. It is understandable to feel anger at being given tasks to do and little or no direction for how to do them; a manager who isn't around often is someone who appears not to care.

This is where looking at the situation from a different perspective can help: Rather than being uncaring, the absentee manager may simply be overcommitted or even unaware that others want or need direction. Your solution, then, is to get involved, not mad. Letting the boss know what bothers you and what you'd like to change will benefit everyone: the company, your clients, and you. After all, ethics isn't just about what you owe others. It's about what others owe you, and you have a right to be treated respectfully and fairly by your boss and everyone else with whom you work.

Of course, the five-step method for dealing with anger doesn't apply to every possible situation. The bigger the issue—global warming, terrorism, our collapsing economy—the more complex the solution. Complicated problems also may not have an immediately identifiable party with whom we can work things out. Nevertheless, many of the frustrating situations we encounter can be helped by the solutions I've presented here.

Weinstein is the corporate consultant, author, and public speaker known as The Ethics Guy. He has appeared on numerous national TV shows and is the author of several books on ethics. His Ask the Ethics Guy! column appears every other week on BusinessWeek.com's Managing channel.

From Business Week

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Positive Steps for Managing Conflict - 10 strategies to help minimize the negative impacts of office tension

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 07 May 2013 04:15:00 +0000

BY DR. DAVID G. JAVITCH | March 11, 2010

From: http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/205490

Situation: Morgan and Jose are arguing about which steps to take next to implement the Micah Project. Morgan wants to move ahead immediately; Jose wants to rethink the situation and perhaps consult with other members of the department to avoid making a rash decision. Morgan becomes impatient and blames Jose for dragging his feet once again. Jose doesn't want to ruffle Morgan's feathers, so he does nothing about the differences of opinion, hoping that Morgan will let up on the pressure. The result is a stalemate.

This is a typical situation where conflict freezes progress and stymies many managers. We must first ask why Jose, like so many other employees, does nothing. The answer is because he probably believes in some very common and unfortunate myths about conflict:

Conflict is bad and terrible things will occur if differences in opinion are aired.

Conflict will rip apart the team or its esprit de corps.

Other employees will be mad at him.

He would be calling too much attention to himself by making a big deal out of the situation.

It's better not to engage in conflict; harmony must prevail at all costs.

The parties will never get over those negative feelings.

The issue will cause a chain reaction that will halt or delay productivity and involve other people.

At this point, you as the leader might be questioning your own views of conflict, as well you should. But do you know how to actually define conflict? No, it's not some terrible, unmanageable, out-of-control creature. Conflict is simply defined as tension, which is neither good nor bad. Positive tension, that energy that leads to increased creativity, innovation and productivity, is a dynamic byproduct of two or more people sharing their views, even if their views are inconsistent or out of synch with each other. Negative tension is an unproductive, off-putting, harmful result of people not working together to arrive at a positive solution.

What causes tension? The list is endless and mostly individualistic. We all have our vulnerabilities and views that lead to tension, especially the more common negative tension. Most people experience negative conflict when they are supervised and fear an unfavorable evaluation. Similarly, tension arises when employees feel they are being compared with each other or are vying for the same resources, such as time, money, people or equipment. Other employees are conflicted when under deadlines, especially when they do not have the assistance of other helpful employees. Still others have great difficulty dealing with change; breaking or changing habits is almost always difficult. Even if a change seems to be positive, it often is accompanied by some form of conflict, simply due to the change or potential performance evaluation under a new system with new policies, processes or colleagues. And finally, negative tension easily and most commonly erupts with differences in opinions, especially those that are firmly held.

So what positive steps can leaders take to minimize the negative aspects of conflict?

Realize that conflict is natural and happens all the time.

Stress the positive aspects of conflict; just because tension arises, the world is not going to collapse. In fact, if handled well, conflict often leads to innovation.

Realize that conflict can be handled in a positive way that leads to personal and professional growth, development and productivity.

Encourage others to bring up conflict and differences. Allowing them to fester inevitably encourages them to erupt later, usually at a most inopportune time.

Identify the root cause(s) of the conflict. You can't begin to unravel the potential negativity in conflict and look toward progress until you determine the source of the issue.

Look at the issue from all sides. Inspect the positive and negative factors that each party sees to fully comprehend what is at stake.

Devise a complete list of actions to address the issue; ensure that each party believes that he/she has had input in the final product or decision.

Decide on the step that best addresses and resolves the issue. Again, all parties need to see that they have had input into this step.

Agree on whatever next steps are necessary to implement the mutually agreed-upon action.

Review the process that you used to arrive at the final decision, hoping to implement a similar successful plan when negative conflict next arises.

An effective leader is willing to address spoken and unspoken negative tension and helps transform it into positive, productive tension that leads to increased understanding of the issues, the parties involved and the final outcome.

From: http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/205490

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Ten Ways Finance Can Be a Force for Good in Society

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 21:19:00 +0000

Robert ShillerProfessor of Economics, Yale University

Posted: 04/11/2012 12:11 pm

Article from Huffington Post

The finance profession gets maligned after every financial crisis. The anger is especially strong now, after the most recent financial crisis, which began in 2007, and the anger that is felt about it goes far beyond the Occupy Wall Street movement. The crisis is often viewed as more than an unfortunate accident, but as a revelation of an underlying moral fault.

Of course, some people in finance are evil, but that is true in every walk of life.

Maybe the wrongdoings of financiers loom especially large in our imagination, since some in finance make so much money doing it. We naturally want a more equal society where most people feel fulfilled and sense a basic respect from others. But, we have to think about how achieve that kind of equality without disrupting our goals or disturbing our standard of living.

Moving forward from here, we need to think about how we can make finance work toward a society that is both comfortable for all of us and stimulating and forward-moving as well. In my view, doing that means tinkering with some of the financial institutional structures so that they work better for everyone, and expanding the scope of finance to cover more of our risks and activities. That means enlisting the help of people with financial expertise. Throwing a lot of financial people in jail or shutting down financial institutions are not on my list.

In my new book Finance and the Good Society (Princeton) I advance some ideas how this can be done, in our new information-technology-rich society:

1. Advance the benefit corporation.

From the initiative of the nonprofit B Lab, the first law allowing benefit corporations was created in Maryland in 2010, and now eight states have them. A benefit corporation is a for-profit corporation that has some additional social or environmental purpose other than just making profits. Each benefit corporation can define its own purpose and will attract its own kind of idealists as investors. My guess is that this new idea will turn out to be a winner, that will yield some of our most profitable corporations because of the employee and community support they will inspire. The amazing example of Wikipedia, with its unpaid authors, shows how public purpose can motivate people.

2. Create what I am calling, in my new book, participation nonprofits, nonprofits that might run schools or hospitals or the like, but that raise money by selling shares to the public.

Such a firm pays dividends from its profits into a special account in the name of the shareholder. The shareholders get a charitable tax deduction for making the investment, but can use the dividends in the account only for further charitable contributions, including purchasing shares in participation nonprofits, or can spend them on themselves in some predefined emergency situations such as a medical crisis. With participation nonprofits, charitable giving will be more fun for the donors, for they could watch their money grow and feel their influence grow with it, if they invest wisely, fulfilling a natural human need for stimulation and appreciation. For example, the Wikipedia Foundation might have been even more successful if it had been set up as a participation nonprofit, and found some revenue opportunity associated with their mission. Instead of operating on a shoestring of the mere 75 employees it has today, I'll bet it would have received many billions in donations by now, which it probably could use for a much expanded social purpose.

3. Create what I am calling continuous-workout mortgages, mortgages whose contract specifies from the beginning that the loan balance will be reduced in contingencies like a decline in home prices or a severe economic recession.

In the current crisis, we are hampered by the fact that few troubled homeowners are getting workouts on their mortgages. This has been a significant factor in the severity of the crisis, since people who are underwater on their mortgages are not likely to spend, or to move to take a new job. Workouts could be not only preplanned but also made continuous, responding day by day to every change in the economic situation of the homeowner.

4. Get risk-management markets for real estate risks going on a high level.

In 2006, my colleagues and I worked with the Chicago Mercantile Exchange to launch the world's first futures exchange for single-family homes. The market is still going, though trade is very weak. But the CME Group has just launched new options on home prices, which may rekindle the market. If this initiative does not work well either, we need to come up with another initiative to make these markets work, which will enable private mortgage issuers to use them as risk management devices so that they can do such things as create continuous workout mortgages without taking on unacceptable risks by doing so. The financial crisis might largely have been prevented if we had such markets.

5. Empower lobbyists on behalf of the 99%, the people who make up all of the population except the very wealthy.

There is nothing wrong with lobbyists per se, for they give needed information to lawmakers. Every interest group should have lobbyists, including the working class and the poor. Financial lobbying is especially important since lawmakers cannot be expected to have expertise on difficult financial concepts. The problem has been that the financial lobbyists have grown dramatically in resources in recent decades, while other groups' lobbyists have not. Supporting a better balance of lobbying efforts needs to be emphasized.

6. Advance the cause of risk management for the very poor.

There are billions in the world today whose survival depends on subsistence farming. Farms ought to be able to insure their crops against failure due to bad weather. Traditional crop insurance has not worked because crops are difficult to verify and there is thus a moral hazard problem. Now that weather reporting is more detailed, and now that agronomists better understand the relation between crops and weather, we can base insurance on the weather changes that affect crops. The take-up by farmers of such insurance has been slow, despite demonstration programs sponsored by the World Bank and other donors. We need to experiment more with marketing forms until we get these right.

7. Create more sophisticated forms of public debt.

At the present time, national governments tend to rely exclusively on conventional debt to finance their deficits, in contrast to companies who use both debt and equity as well as a plethora of other financial devices. A simple first step would be for governments to sell shares analogous to the shares in corporations that are traded on stock markets. My Canadian colleague Mark Kamstra and I have proposed that governments with deficits, instead of borrowing more now, start selling what we call trills: each trill promises to pay a dividend equal to trillionth of GDP each year to the owner, in perpetuity. Investors who are optimistic about GDP might love these investments, and governments would then find that they are cushioned against financial crises like the present crisis since their required dividend payments decline then.

8. Create tradable social policy bonds.

The idea, first articulated by Ronnie Horesh in New Zealand, is for governments to create bonds that pay out if some specified social policy objective, such as an increase in public awareness of some important issue or a decline in some specified crime rate. By creating such bonds, an incentive is created for private sector initiatives to solve them. An entrepreneur can profit by buying the bonds and taking steps to solve the problem. The entrepreneur does not have to wait to profit until the day when the policy objective is finally met, for, if these bonds are traded on public markets, the price of the bonds will tend to increase in anticipation of the fulfillment as soon as the prospect is apparent.

9. Create an inequality indexation scheme in the tax code.

We would pass a law now that specifies that taxes will be indexed to inequality: tax rates on higher incomes will be automatically raised at any future date when inequality surpasses a specified threshold level worse than it is today. It should be politically much easier to create such a contingency plan now, to be triggered only at a future date if some specified level of higher inequality is reached, than to raise taxes later after such inequality is a reality and a political constituency for the newly rich is created. Just as, with fire insurance, one must insure a house before it burns down. So to, if we are to view increased inequality as a risk with a financial solution, we should take risk-managing actions while it is still just a risk.

10. Create livelihood insurance, insurance offered to individuals against declines in the average income paid to people in their professional specialty.

We already have disability insurance, insurance that protects individuals against loss of income due to illness. In the information age, we ought to be able to expand such insurance, without triggering moral hazard, to protect people against possibly catastrophic drops in lifetime earnings that sometimes occur when people's occupational income suffers a serious hit because of some technological innovation or change in the economy. If people are able to insure their livelihoods against such events, they will not only rest easier, they will be able to be more adventuresome in their career choices.

All of these ideas are expansion of basic financial technology toward the broader social benefits. The first step in making any such things happen is first to appreciate the kinds of financial institutions we already have, as well as their defects. We need then to improve and build up this financial infrastructure so that it works better in our lives.

Robert Shiller is professor of economics and finance at Yale University. This month Finance and the Good Society appeared and also a new revised version of his free video online Financial Markets course, part of Open Yale, was launched.

Article from Huffington Post

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Controlling your anger

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 13:03:00 +0000

CHARLOTTE MCPHERSON

c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com

Article from Todays Zaman

Anger is an inescapable fact of life. Every culture has its own way of expressing it, and universal expressions of anger exist, too.

Here is a letter from a Today’s Zaman reader asking for help in understanding why some things make her angry…

Dear Charlotte: As I walk around İstanbul I can’t help but notice that people seem in such a rush and get angry so easily. Those who seem to get angry the quickest are drivers and people who think they are more important than others.

I’ve noticed that if drivers think they are delayed even slightly, they begin to honk their horns and sometimes a person will jump out of their car and start shouting. I have also noticed that people often get upset easily if a person pushes and elbows their way to the front to be served by an assistant or clerk. I never used to let these things get to me, but as I spend more time here, I find that I am getting angry over these things that used to make me chuckle. They are getting under my skin. Am I just going through some stage of culture shock? From: Ann (İstanbul)

Dear Ann: Thanks for the good question. You are not alone in how you are feeling. Depending on your upbringing and the culture where you now live, you may find that some things that did not initially disturb you may have begun to do so. It is good you are aware of this now. A friend was sharing with me the other day how employees in their workplace seem tense and get angry easily. My friend, who has a rather laidback personality, said the atmosphere was beginning to even affect him. Lots of people and situations can have the power to hurt or frustrate us; however, it is up to us whether or not we let it. It is our choice if we get angry. People do not make us angry. We allow ourselves to express our anger.

You are correct in thinking that it may be a stage of culture shock that you are going through. Anger is also known to be a phase a person passes through when they are in the process of dying. For those of us who are in touch with our feelings and emotions, it’s probably safe to say that all of us have had to work at not letting some people or situations make us angry or upset us. We have had to recognize that our response to feeling anger is our responsibility even though it feels as if the other person triggered our anger and caused our reaction. I think when we feel angry because of culture shock it is good to remember this point: What we do with our anger and how we express it and manage it is another matter.

Here are a couple of comments on my earlier piece, “Anger: Universally common or culturally unique?” (Feb. 16, 2012).

Zeynep wrote: “It’s true. Unfortunately I’m very impatient so I hurt myself because of this. I let my anger manage me instead of managing my anger. I show my anger by getting away from others, especially the people I’m angry with, and when I see them, I behave in a ridiculous way. I know this is wrong but I can’t overcome it. I know I have to leave this kind of attitude behind.”

Sharon said: “I’ve noticed after four years in Turkey that I and the Turks get angry for completely different reasons. I get angry when people do things that are unsafe: 1) Cars making 40 mph turns into green-light pedestrian crosswalks, scattering pedestrians and forcing us to run for our lives. 2) Parents not using seatbelts for their children. 3) People walking dogs off the leash in super-high traffic areas. I also get angry when people do things that directly harm my health: 4) smoking in public, 5) dropping garbage on the street. I have never once seen a Turk get mad about these sorts of things, and they are totally appalled when I get mad about them. In fact, I only ever see Turks get mad when another person has ‘out-machoed’ them, or when they risk losing money. For example: 1) Minibus drivers getting mad because a taxi passed them. They corner the taxi and abandon the minibus to scream at the driver. 2) People not being able to enter an over-sold pop concert, and screaming at management to refund their money. As an American, I think my anger is ‘taking the high road,’ as I’m trying to ‘make the world safe and healthy for everyone.’ But a Turk may feel that their anger is more justified because it shows they are smart enough to ‘look out for number one’.”

“Anger is an inescapable fact of life. But the experience of anger is different from the expression of anger.” -- John Ortberg

Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com

Article from Todays Zaman

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Anger management at workplace

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 11:23:00 +0000

Unnati Narang, Mumbai Mirror Apr 2, 2012, 12.07PM IST

Article from The Times of India

With mounting performance pressures, highly competitive workplaces and a rat race to achieve too much too quickly, corporate India might just be running into some serious corporate rage problems, says Unnati Narang

With not too many numbers and studies to prove how much of it actually exists, corporate rage is a mystifying subject. Not just because it is hard to measure, but also because its adverse impact is more long-lasting than what appears on the surface. How bad can one guy screaming at another from his cabin be, after all? Why would the company care if employees are fighting, bosses are screaming and cursing at work? Trouble brews when all of this spoils the work environment to such an extent that productivity goes down.

What is the root of the problem? What are some of the reasons bosses go over the top in expressing anger towards their subordinates? "The primary reason for bosses to go over the top is due to stress at the workplace. Stress, if not managed properly, manifests into raging anger. A boss may also get worked up when they encounter disagreements with their subordinates. In many cases, bosses may not even be aware that their behaviour is received as "bad or angry" from the team members. If the boss's boss is an angry person, then the frustrations may be passed down to his/ her team members," says Karthik Ekambaram, assistant vice president, Consulting Services, FLEXI Careers India Pvt. Ltd.

"As young leaders fast track their careers, some important qualities - like patience and maturity - which come with age could get missed out, resulting in them succumbing to anger easily," opines Kanchana TK, executive director, Vantage Insurance Brokers & Risk Advisors Pvt. Ltd.

Given that the environment at work - in almost every industry - is so competitive, no wonder pressures and stress are likely to follow. But do they need to be expressed as anger always? Or are there positives associated with it too? "A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology shows that people who were exposed to anger worked harder. This is true to a certain extent but cannot be applied to a habitual angry boss/ work environment. It can have a very negative impact within the team and the organisation as a whole. To face an angry boss everyday is a tough job. Life would be hell for anyone and would result in disinterest in the job and finally quitting from the organisation," adds Ekambaram.

Then again, angry bosses are everywhere. How do you control your own reactions to someone's anger? "The best thing to do is to have an open dialogue with the 'angry' person.

It is definitely difficult but it will allow the person to express his/ her true feelings. You should then calmly arrive at a solution. If it still persists, you should consult your HR or mentor, and see what best can be done in that situation. If that also doesn't work, then the last resort might be to simply find a new job. Nothing is worth the unhappiness of working with an angry person," advises Kanchana.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. So does this all-too-negative story of corporate rage and angry bosses. What's the positive side of it? "Rationalising the outburst of a person helps in controlling your own reaction, as per an interesting research done by Stanford. This process of rationalising is termed as reappraisal. Hence, if we can rationalise the anger of a boss with a reason, we are better prepared to handle the outburst.

The study also suggests that this reappraisal process can be used even if a boss is prone to anger very often and not limited to a specific situation or an incident. Organisations can play a big role by conducting workshops and sensitisation programmes on managing stress and handling conflicts/ disagreements," concludes Ekambaram.

Tips for facing an angry boss:

- Understanding the nature of the boss is very essential. Never address difficult issues when the boss is in a disturbed mood.

- An angry boss should not be responded to with the same anger.

- Approach your boss with data and clear statistics on issues where there has been disagreement.

- Set your expectations right and ensure that they are met as planned.

Article from The Times of India

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Dealing With Anger and Children

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 12:15:00 +0000

Posted on October 20, 2010 by Richard Niolon PhD

Article from Psyche Page

Why do Children get angry?

Many things can make children angry, just as they do with adults, but parents often find dealing with angry children to be the most difficult part the parenting job. They feel everything from exhaustion to nerve wracking aggravation. Often parents and children get locked into a contest of wills, and the parent wins with a “Because I Said So” argument. Afterward, they doubt themselves as parents and feel guilty, ashamed, and inept. Many of us were taught as children that we were not “allowed” to be angry, and that anger with parents or caretakers showed great disrespect and selfishness. These kinds of childhod beliefs make it more difficult for us to handle anger in children. Add to this that each generation of children in America seems to grow more open with expression of emotions, even ones labeled as “selfish” emotions, and more open about expressing them in more places (e.g., support groups, friends, social networking sites…). Thus, parents may find their children and teens are more open with the very emotions the parent is least comfortable talking about.

The first step toward better management of children’s anger is to set aside what we were taught, and instead teach something new. Teach children that anger is normal, that it is acceptable and normal to get angry. The task then becomes how to manage anger and channel it toward productive or at least acceptable outlets, and not how to deny or repress it. Setbacks and obstacles can make us stronger if they challenge us to grow.

Parents and teachers must remember that just as there are many things in our adult lives that make us angry (i.e., being cut off in traffic, losing something important, or being frustrated by our computers). Becoming angry at these types of events is normal. Likewise, there are many things in children’s lives that make them angry, and their reactions are normal. Adults must allow children to feel all of their feelings, and model acceptable ways to manage, label, and communicate them. There are differences between being annoyed, mad, angry, outrage… and while these differences make little sense to children, as we grow older we can distinguish between these different emotions. We sometimes mislabel them, of course, and assume annoyance is really outrage, but it is not.

Children respond with anger because they feel helpless. To understand why one child becomes more angry than other children takes some time and effort. What triggered the outburst? The thing to realize is that our anger is generally a reaction to frustration. In children, however, anger appears to be a more generic emotion. It can be triggered by embarrassment, loneliness, isolation, anxiety, and hurt. Children often respond with anger to these types of situations because they feel helpless to understand the situation fully, and helpless to change it. In a way, their anger is a response to frustration as well.

A child who is especially defiant may be behaving this way to counteract dependency and fears of loss. A child who feels hurt by a loss may become angry as a way to avoid feeling sad and powerless. While anger is not the best emotion to feel in all cases, it might be easier to feel than some of these other, more painful emotions.

Sometimes a child’s anger prompts an adult to set rules more clearly, explain matters more thoroughly, or make changes in the child’s environment. In other words, a child may have learned that anger is an all-purpose red flag to let others know that something is very wrong. In these cases, it’s not that the child really feels anger (or feels only anger), but rather that they know anger will provoke a change in the environment that may be a change for the better.

It is important to remember that anger is not the same thing as aggression. Anger is a feeling, while aggression is a behavior. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property. Explain that anger is OK, aggression is not. Teach other ways to vent frustration without acting in hurtful or damaging ways.

Dealing with a child’s anger requires first finding out what they feel. Ask them what’s happened, what went wrong, or why they are feeling what they feel. They may be able to tell you very clearly. On the other hand, they may need your help to label their feelings. A parent might respond to a child who hits his brother by asking why he hit him. Go beyond the “he did this first” argument and ask where they learned to hit to tell other people to stop doing something. Maybe other kids at school hit, and the child is learning to do the same. Maybe they learn it from you if you spank or punish in anger. Explain that anger is OK (i.e., “I know how you feel; it makes me mad when other people borrow my things and don’t ask too”). However, explain that aggression (hitting your brother) is not ok. Offer other ways to express anger. A parent might say something like, “Here’s what I do when I get mad.”

Don’t just tell your child what not to do; tell them what they should do too. “Don’t hit your brother when you’re mad. Tell me about what happened, or tell him to give your toys back, or warn him you’ll tell me.” Some parents want to punish anger because they don’t like aggression. Contrary to some popular opinions, punishment is not the most effective way to communicate to children what we expect of them. Explaining, modeling, and setting rules is far more effective. Expect that your child will break a rule three or four times. This is how they learn which rules are serious ones, which ones you will enforce, and which ones can be broken under certain circumstances. Breaking rules often isn’t done in anger, but is a way of learning for children, of testing out the world around them.

Eight Tips for Angry Children

Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry child were taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David Wineman. They should be considered helpful ideas and not be seen as a “bag of tricks.”

Comment on your child’s behavior when it is good.

Something like, “I like the way you handled your brother when he took your stuff.” An observant and involved parent can find dozens of things they like about their child’s behavior…”I like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded”; “I appreciate your hanging up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to get out to play”; “You were really patient while I was on the phone”; “I’m glad you shared your snack with your sister”; “I like the way you’re able to think of others”; and “Thank you for telling the truth about what really happened.”

Teachers can do the same, offering, “I know it was difficult for you to wait your turn, and I’m pleased that you could do it”; “Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly”; “You were thoughtful in offering to help Johnny with his spelling”; “You worked hard on that project, and I admire your effort.”

Ignore inappropriate behavior that you can tolerate.

Nagging you while you’re on the phone can be dealt with by praising what you liked (“Thank you for waiting while I was talking on the phone. I’m off the phone now, so what’s up?”) and ignoring what you don’t like (ignoring a child’s requests while you are on the phone).

You may be thinking, “You don’t know what they do then. Then they yell louder and you have to answer them just to have some quiet.” When you respond this way, you reinforce them for yelling. Yelling gets your attention, so next time they will yell louder to make sure you respond. They aren’t trying to annoy you, only using what they have found to be an effective way to get attention.

Say “NO” clearly and firmly as needed. Limits should be explained clearly and enforced consistently. Of course, you won’t say “no” all the time; when you decide to bend the rules and say yes, explain why that moment is appropriate. Knowing when it is acceptable to break the rules is just as important an knowing when it is not.

Provide physical outlets and exercise, both at home and at school.

We may kick a trash can, cut wood, clean, play a sport, work out at the gym… or do something that lets use force and spend our energy. Kids need physical activity to let off steam too. Keep in mind that you can allow this without risking your safety or the child’s. Let them stomp and kick a trash can in their room, but not in the living room.

Also keep in mind that hugs can often make strong emotions less difficult for a child. You don’t hug to make the anger go away though; hug to let the child know you understand their anger and that you take it seriously.

Take an interest in your child’s activities.

Attention and pride can often make negative emotions easier to deal with. Failures and frustrations often mean less when a child knows their parent loves them and is proud of them for others things they do and know. Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Help them to see that they can reach their goals.

Recognize failures and setbacks part and parcel of life. Sometimes children do aggressive or destructive things when frustrated by difficult tasks, like studying. Parents can move in, acknowledge the difficulty of the task and the feelings of frustration or failure it causes, and offer help. It may make the task easier, or it may make the emotions easier to tolerate. Praise the child for their efforts even when it is dificult.

Use humor. Teasing or kidding can often defuse an angry situation and allow a child to “save face.” Don’t use humor to ridicule your child; use it to make fun of the situation. Something like, “I know you are mad at that little girl for calling you names. Especially such stupid names (giggle). She must not be very smart if the meanest thing she knows how to say is “dumb butt.”

When situations change, tell the child directly. “I know that noise you’re making doesn’t usually bother me, but today is different because I’ve got a headache, so could you find something else you’d enjoy doing that’s a little quieter?” When your headache is gone, let them know they can go back to what they were doing before.

Use several parenting methods

While spanking likely won’t help, other physical interventions might. Sometimes a child can’t stop once a tantrum has begun, and physically removing the child from the scene or intervening isn’t a type of punishment. It’s a way to help your child stop their behavior long enough to gain some control over it.

Use bargaining as needed. We often control our own behavior by doing this. “After a day like this, I deserve a really good meal” may help us curb our own temper when needed. This is not the same as bribery or blackmail. Know what your child likes and what is important enough to your child to serve as a good motivator to manage their anger.

Use modeling. Parents and teachers should be aware of the powerful influence of their actions on a child’s or group’s behavior. If you curse when angry, don’t be surprised when a child does. If you count to ten when angry, don’t be surprised if your child follows this good example too.

Learning to manage anger is a skill for the future.

The Role of Discipline

Good discipline includes setting limits, but being flexible when needed. It means explaining the rules and sticking to them in a neutral way. Handling angry children means understanding why they are angry and responding appropriately, setting your own anger aside as much as possible. Bad discipline involves punishment which is unduly harsh and unpredictably meted out. Sarcasm and ridicule also go along with bad discipline.

One of the most important things you do as a parent, teacher, or other adult in a child’s life is help them respect themselves and others so they can be happy in the world. While it takes years of practice, it is a vital process that pays off. Teaching your young child to manage anger and talk about feelings can prevent many angry outbursts in teenage years ahead, in their adult relationships, and in their own relationships with their children.

Article from Psyche Page

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Divorce: Tips For Dealing With The Anger

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 10:19:00 +0000

By Cathy Meyer

Article from About.com Guide

After a divorce, most people go through a myriad of emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and grief are some of the more easily recognized emotions, but underlying all of these may be anger.

Here are five strategies that will help you deal with your anger in a positive way.

Don’t stuff it. Anger is a legitimate emotion and is your heart trying to tell you something is hurting. Stuffing anger to avoid dealing with it can result in depression, your anger turned inward. Allow yourself to explore the reasons for your anger and to express it in safe ways.
Don’t fear it. Women especially may have been brought up to think that they should be “nice and agreeable” and not get angry. Everyone gets angry at times, and it is a healthy emotion, not something to be feared. Journal or talk to a friend to vent your angry feelings, so you can work through them.
Don’t worry about losing control. One fear many people have is that if they let their anger out, they won’t be able to control the rage that may be inside them. This is usually a fear with no basis in fact. Find a safe place to vent your anger. Punch a pillow, scream, or do whatever makes you feel the release you need.
Don’t worry about what other people will think. If you feel anger, you have a right to feel that way. Individuals may think that it’s acceptable to express grief or sadness, but anger may bring on feelings of embarrassment or shame. Allow yourself to go through your emotions, no matter which ones they are.
Get regular exercise. If you are having a hard time processing the reasons for your anger, it may just be resulting from your overall situation and the frustration you feel from dealing with stress. Taking a walk, doing aerobics, or even kickboxing can make a person dealing with anger feel much relief. Do an exercise that you know is safe for you, and give it your all. Check with your physician if you have any questions about whether or not exercise is appropriate for you.

Article from About.com Guide

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

How Do You Manage Anger? Express It or Repress It?

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 10:41:00 +0000

By Francoise Bonhoure

Article from ezine

Looking around on the net I can see that anger is really an issue for most of us.

So, how do you manage anger? Do you express or repress it?

Anger is a strong energy phenomenon, which, at its lower ebb is sadness. Often when we look at our anger, we'll see that not far behind is sadness and vice versa.

It can be quite confusing as to what to do, it certainly has been for me over the years in my life 'out there'.

Expression of it is very good to do in some therapy groups as one is encouraged for this to happen. One then feels good to have let it hang out in that particular protected space, one feels vibrant with flowing energy and in our power when (near to) full expression has been allowed, but how to handle the stress of anger in our daily life?

Repression is very unsatisfactory as our energy, little by little, gets into a depressed state and one tends to become - or appears to become - numb to events.

I have found that expression is inevitable unless one is a very advanced Buddhist-type 'monk' (or 'nun')!

By 'advanced', I mean that one is able to recycle the energy of anger in the course of the events of one's life, by progressively understanding that energy phenomenon and transforming that energy into...well, simple energy and not staying compulsively 'attached' to the person or circumstances that brought it alive in us!

I can hear some of us thinking, 'But expression will create waves and repercussions!' Yes, it most probably will! And we might feel quite bad for some time after,

regretting to have hurt the other(s), or whatever it may be, and even feeling a fool, quite horrible...

So I can see 3 solutions to this issue:

- Being an 'advanced Buddhist-type 'monk' (or 'nun')

- Expressing how we feel, but not violating the outside world with it - it's OUR anger after all, someone else might have reacted in some other way

- Expressing it on our own by setting up a secluded space, whether in the countryside or a room in our house or flat where we can make noise and not affect other people (we certainly don't want to be judged as a 'loony', this would create more emotions!)

This third solution to how to manage anger requires a bit of organisation, but it is very valuable.

One simply needs one's own space.

Once we have expressed all these very strong emotions in exercises such as 'beating a pillow' or virtually 'punching' (using body movements, but not in the presence of a real person) our 'enemy' or impossibly frustrating circumstances, we feel cleansed of the heaviness and madness.

We are then able to see the incident more clearly and are able either to express our feelings and views without a terrible outburst, as just a clean communication, or simply file it as past.

This may possibly require a few sessions, but it's well worth organising for ourselves as we then have our own solution to how to manage our anger and a 'middle way' choice of answer to the question: 'express it or repress it?'

Francoise Bonhoure is the creator of [http://www.benefits-to-exercise-for-seniors.com]

A trained senior she has established Free and Easy Exercises for over 50's.

Joining the membership Benefits to Exercise Ezine gives you access to Free Videos, Audios Exercise Program for Seniors, regular updates into your email inbox.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Francoise_Bonhoure

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Article from ezine

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

How to be a great defuser - the keys to quelling workplace rage

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 11:14:00 +0000

Monday, 26 March 2012 08:36
Myrian Robin
Article from Smart Company

Leaders doubting the importance of keeping an eye on the levels of anger in their workplaces need look no further than reports of an angry stoush between a unionist and a manager has escalated into a $10 million legal battle.

But experts in anger management say defusing tension in the workplace is complex, and dependent on the triggers of that anger. Leaders who master the art of defusing tensions early can harness the good aspects of anger in the workplace and avoid the destructive and costly ones.

Costs and causes of anger

Lee Town, a psychotherapist and director of Anger Management Australia, says many of his clients are businesses trying to control anger in the workplace.

“It’s gaining more recognition within the workplace because it’s costing employers an awful lot of money,” Town says. Anger is expensive for businesses because it leads to staff taking days off work just to deal with their stress levels, and can lead to high staff turnover.

Town adds that the economic climate may be leading many to rage.

“The reality is that second-most-common reason romantic relations end is due to chronic ongoing financial pressures. So if you’re struggling to cover your bills despite working to the best of your ability, employees are going to bring that with them to work. It’s hard to separate the personal and the professional.”

When to intervene

There are four “warning signs” leaders can watch out for to know when a confrontation needs to be stopped, at least temporarily, organisational psychologist and principle of Brash consulting Leanne Faraday-Brash says.

“The first is if they’re witnessing anyone expressing anger in way that’s socially inappropriate or not in keeping with a professional workplace,” she says. “It damages the fabric of the workplace, as well as the professional credibility of those involved.”

Another is if one or both of the parties are distressed and want to exit the situation.

The third is if the manager thinks those involved are establishing avoidance patterns, where those angry with each other are no longer working or co-operating.

And lastly, a manager should always intervene when there is a potential for the behaviour to cross into bullying.

Town says managers should clamp down on uncontrolled anger quickly.

“If they let the person continue to yell and become aggressive, once they’ve said those words, they can’t be taken back,” he says. “It takes a very strong manager to be able to say, ’I’m interested in what you’re saying but not everyone has to hear it’.”

Faraday-Brash differentiates workplace stress and occupational stress. “Some workplaces are naturally stressful – for example, police work.”

“But some people work in cultures that create or feed off anger because there aren’t enough behavioural norms enforced. The managers might be lax, they might not be modelling the right behaviour, or people might get away with two much.”

If leaders let anger get out of control, it can spread.

“If someone gets monstered by others and no one does anything, that can cause anger or even rage,” says Faraday-Brash.

How to deal with anger – and how not to

Leaders who don’t model respectful, professional behaviour all the time have no license to insist on it from others. The question is how to do it.

“It’s not about stifling the anger, suppressing it or whitewashing legitimate grievances,” says Faraday-Brash. “But it’s hard to ask for grievances to be expressed in a professional way if a manager is known to be petulant or belligerent themselves.”

She says a key part of the role of the leader in managing disputes between others is to listen carefully and separate out the source of the grievances. Workplace conflict is often escalated by personal animosities and jealousies, but Faraday-Brash says the leader must focus conflicted parties on the substantive causes of their disagreement, if there is one.

Faraday-Brash says most leaders are well-meaning in how they resolve conflict, but one thing that irks her is the prevalence of “clichéd responses” to tense situations.

“They put people in a room, shut the door and say ‘The gloves are off: go for it’.

“Without any ground rules or boundaries, letting it all hang out can create irreparable damage.

“Or they say unhelpful things like ‘Why can’t you both behave like adults’, ‘Leave your problems at the door’ or ‘Get over yourselves’.” She says such attitudes from managers to conflict leave people feeling defensive, which invariably prompts the very behaviour the manager is trying to avoid.

Leaders shouldn’t shrink away from managing workplace conflict. Managers get the behaviours they are prepared to put up with. “You get the culture you deserve,” Faraday-Brash says.

“A manager has a right to insist on professional and appropriate ways of managing anger. If you don’t feel equipped to try and facilitate that, you need to call in independent third party. It doesn’t have to be a professional mediator, but it has to be someone who doesn’t have a conflict of interest and has a good relationship with both parties.

“Good managers and leaders will have those good relationships.”

Don’t bottle it up

Another way to control anger is to allow situations where it can be expressed. Workers who are angry with their boss, but can’t say so, may take it out on other people. To avoid that, people need to feel safe about offering honest and constructive feedback without retribution.

“The hardest form of anger to deal with is internalised anger,” says Town. “It leads people to have a lot of self-blaming thoughts, to them becoming cynical, jaded and pessimistic.”

Anger isn’t always destructive – management is the issue

The experts all agree anger is often a necessary emotion.

“Anger in and of itself isn’t a destructive emotion,” says Faraday-Brash. “People need to express the way they feel.”

Some workplaces require their employees to regularly deal with the anger of others, or subject their staff to abuse of clients. In those cases, a workplace needs strategies in place to deal with that.

“People need to be able to go for a walk around the block… they need an outlet.

“If the cultural norm is you’re just expected to deal and ‘suck it up’, the anger can build up in people… If the managers aren’t sympathetic, they can be shocked when someone blows up.

“Workplaces like that need clear boundaries, and people need to be give permission to get upset in controlled ways. Once it starts getting out of hand, angry individuals start doing damage, and others working there lose respect for the manager. It becomes a potentially unsafe and out-of-control workplace.”

David Cheng is a researcher at the University of New South Wales who has studied anger in the workplace. He says anger can be constructive in getting problems solved.

“There’s an evolutionary theory as to why we have emotions,” he says. “The things that we have now have been evolved over time.

“We get angry because harm has occurred. When people get angry, have an outburst, I guess one of the questions everyone else asks is ‘Why are you angry?’ And if they can work out some legitimate problem or harm, they can come and help you with the problem.

“How they perceive your anger is the factor.”

Cheng says there is an optimal level of anger, and exactly where that lies depends on the context.

“In some industries people are generally angry. For example, construction places or debt collection agencies, there’s a higher tolerance for anger.

“When a manager sees someone getting angry, they need to understand the workplace norms.”

“Anger’s fine – we all get angry,” says Town.

“It’s impossible to say to someone ‘Don’t ever become angry’. What matters is how people manage it. There are constructive and destructive ways. When a union is involved, when there’s structural change for an organisation, there is always going to be anger. Both the employers as well as the employee need to take responsibility for how they handle it.”

Article from Smart Company

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

ANGRY, DON’T BE!

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 01:59:00 +0000

IF YOU WANT TO BE CONTENT, CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE

PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARS BY ZUBEDA AKHTER

Article from Greater Kashmir

Managing life and the issues of life is not an easy job. Our autonomic nervous system is mobilized to help us while dealing with the interpersonal stresses we encounter. There has to be a balance between the Body, Mind and Spirit.

The physical scars we manage by dressing them up and taking proper medicine. But what about psychological and emotional scars! Can we heal them? Yes, forgive those who hurt you May be the person who keeps on hurting you has a desire to disturb you. When you forgive, you save yourself from him. This way you are mentally free.

The ability to live peacefully and happily is in your own hands. If you want to be content, change your attitude.

When we become angry, we want to take revenge. But remember what our prophet has advised us; “It is a matter of great reward to control one’s anger.” ‘Who leashes his tongue, Allah will keep his secrets concealed and who controls his anger, Allah will withhold his punishment on the resurrection day.

“Remember he who angers you conquers you. What ever begun in anger, ends in shame.”

When you start working on the formula of forgiving, you may be unhappy and sad. But when you experience control over your own self, you will enjoy forgiving. Remember, relax more and react less.

Is forgiveness a sign of shame, cowardice, weakness or capitulation? No. Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off. When you forgive you become more empowered, and reclaim more power. It has been proved that most of the illnesses are psychosomatic, the result of interaction between negative emotions and our body. Intense emotional stress, traumatic event or violent behavior when continuously tolerated can lead to many diseases. It is a known fact that anger can send our blood pressure skyrocketing. Prolonged anger can give us essential hypertension, a form of chronic blood pressure which has no apparent cause. After releasing anger, blood pressure drops dramatically. Number of psychosomatic diseases have no cure - like hypertension, diabetes, migraine, bronchial asthma etc. Better keep your anxiety levels low and go on forgiving others, so that you pass a cheerful and pleasant life.

Depression is the world’s second most common illness. While dealing with anger and going on forgiving people we must know the healthy ways of coping with anger too. Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things or which you are angry and grieved.

The immediate cure for anger is to delay. Think may be it is an ordinary misunderstanding. Do not act imediately.Think my anger is short lived and a temporary madness. This way you can conquer your anger. Avoid all negative feelings and expressions. Avoid all confrontations with other person. The other person may or may not know that you have forgiven her or him. Forgiveness is a continuous process like patience. Once you know the power of forgiveness, you will feel happier, fresh, cheerful, concerned and moreover you will be having to more internal peace. This is also a fact that we cannot forget the hurt from others, but we can heal our psychological scars. Handle your all the relations with care, and create your own methods of releasing the anger. Preserve your anger for a suitable time when you can use it for a right purpose.

The degree of ones’ emotions varies inversely with ones’ knowledge of facts; the less you know the hotter you get says Bernard Russell. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned, counsels Buddha.

Zubeda Akhter is D.N. S. (SKIMS)

Lastupdate on : Thu, 22 Mar 2012 21:30:00 Mecca time

Lastupdate on : Thu, 22 Mar 2012 18:30:00 GMT

Lastupdate on : Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:00:00 IST

Article from Greater Kashmir

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Anger management: Your questions answered

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:12:00 +0000

Anger isn't always bad, but it must be handled appropriately. Consider the purpose anger serves and the best approach to anger management.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Article from Mayo Clinic

Anger itself isn't a problem — it's how you handle it. Consider the nature of anger, as well as how to manage anger and what to do when you're confronted by someone whose anger is out of control.

What is anger?

Anger is a natural response to perceived threats. It's a warning bell that tells you when something is wrong. Anger causes your body to release adrenaline — the fight-or-flight hormone — which can increase muscle tension, heart rate and blood pressure. Anger might trigger or encompass other emotions, such as sadness, disappointment or frustration. Anger becomes a problem only when you don't manage it in a healthy way.

So it's not 'bad' to feel angry?

Being angry isn't always a bad or negative thing. Being angry can motivate people to listen to your concerns. It can prevent others from walking all over you. It can motivate you to get involved with causes that you care about. The key is managing your anger in a healthy way.

What causes people to get angry?

You might have many things to feel threatened about — from financial crises and peer pressure to drug addiction and war — and some people respond in a negative way. Still, most people don't walk around feeling mad all the time. When someone explodes with anger, there's usually a triggering event — such as a disagreement at work or being stuck in traffic — that brings a mix of simmering emotions to the boiling point.

Your personal history feeds your reactions to anger as well. That's why some people react so angrily to certain situations, such as losing a parking space, while others take it in stride. For example, if you were taught that being angry is a negative thing, you might not know how to express anger appropriately — so your frustrations simmer and make you miserable, or build up until you explode in an angry outburst. In other cases, changes in brain chemistry or underlying medical conditions can trigger angry outbursts

What's the best way to handle anger?

When you're angry, you can choose to express or suppress the emotion. Here's the difference:

Expression. This is the act of conveying your anger. Expression ranges from a reasonable, rational discussion to a violent outburst.

Suppression. This is an attempt to hold in or ignore your anger. It also includes passive-aggressive responses — in which you don't express your anger constructively but instead scheme to retaliate.

Ideally, you'll choose constructive expression — stating your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

Can anger harm your health?

Some research suggests that inappropriately expressing anger — such as keeping anger pent up, seething with rage or having violent outbursts — can be harmful to your health. Such responses might aggravate chronic pain or lead to sleep difficulties or digestive problems. There's even some evidence that stress and hostility related to anger can lead to heart disease and heart attack.

When is professional help needed?

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, hurts those around you or is taking a toll on your personal relationships. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:

Learn what anger is
Identify what triggers your anger
Recognize signs that you're becoming angry
Learn to respond to frustration and anger in a controlled, healthy way
Explore underlying feelings, such as sadness or depression

Anger management classes and counseling can be done individually, with your partner or other family members, or in a group. Request a referral from your doctor to a counselor specializing in anger management, or ask family and friends for recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or state or local agencies also may offer recommendations.

What can you do if you're confronted by someone whose anger is out of control?

Usually, the most rational thing to do is to walk away. If you stay, the situation may escalate into violence. If leaving the situation is difficult or impossible, take reasonable precautions to protect yourself. Don't engage the other person in a manner that's likely to increase the angry behavior.

Article from Mayo Clinic

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 23:26:00 +0000

Keeping your temper in check can be challenging. Use simple anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I" statements — to stay in control.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Article from Mayo Clinic

Do you find yourself fuming when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure go through the roof when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion — but it's important to deal with it in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your relationships.

Ready to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.

No. 1: Take a timeout

Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit.

No. 2: Once you're calm, express your anger

As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

No. 3: Get some exercise

Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other favorite physical activities. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out.

No. 4: Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

No. 5: Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything, and might only make it worse.

No. 6: Stick with 'I' statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes," instead of, "You never do any housework."

No. 7: Don't hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.

No. 8: Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

No. 9: Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

No. 10: Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:

Learn what anger is
Identify what triggers your anger
Recognize signs that you're becoming angry
Learn to respond to frustration and anger in a controlled, healthy way
Explore underlying feelings, such as sadness or depression

Anger management classes and counseling can be done individually, with your partner or other family members, or in a group. Request a referral from your doctor to a counselor specializing in anger management, or ask family members, friends or other contacts for recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or state or local agencies also might offer recommendations.

Article from Mayo Clinic

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Learn how to manage your anger

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 10:02:00 +0000

Low self-esteem, in addition to stress, can also be at the heart of an angry outburst

By Carole Spiers, Special to Gulf NewsPublished: 00:00 March 14, 2012

Article from Gulf News

How many times do you feel angry but don't know why? How often do you become aggressive and say things you don't really mean, and then feel upset and guilty afterwards? Similar events happen to most of us, at some time, and we fail to understand the reasons.

Very often, the answer has to do with excessive pressure that has caused you stress, which has turned to anger as you realise that you appear to have lost control of the situation. Then you take that anger and frustration out on others around you. Sometimes that may be your family, or if at work, your colleagues.

Low self-esteem, in addition to stress, can also be at the heart of an angry outburst. You may not identify this factor and it is only when you start to suffer the consequences of that low self-worth that you may start to take a close look at the root cause within yourself.

Becoming angry is just one way that low self-esteem manifests itself in your behaviour. "Why me? It's not fair!" is a common angry outburst for those suffering from low self-esteem and a feeling of often being the victim in certain circumstances.

When we become angry, we become consumed with perceived injustice, and then we lose our focus on what really matters. At work, we may feel as if we are being picked-upon, and in our personal relationships we may see fault in others where none really exist. It is as if we are seeing life through a red haze — a haze that is, in fact, anger.

Professional help

Defusing personal anger may need the help of a professional counsellor but, as it may not always be possible to have access to one, you can call upon a valued friend who is a good listener and who will enable you to talk through your anger, even if it entails some shouting or crying in frustration. Bringing out that which you feel into the open, is a powerful method of examining your mindset and your frustration.

Sometimes, of course, getting to the root cause of anger and exploring low self-esteem issues, requires time and patience. Low self-esteem often stems from childhood events at home or at school. Lack of praise and ridicule are common sources of low self-esteem, in childhood. Being able to put them into context and dealing with the anger that has built up over many years is essential.

Anger can be a dangerous and unacceptable emotion, especially in the workplace. It can lead to outbursts of rage that could end in violence, and if your behaviour really becomes disruptive and unacceptable, you can end up losing your job.

These are my favourite anger management tips:

If you feel yourself starting to become angry and you want to shout at someone, make a conscious effort to walk away from the situation. If you then do some deep breathing exercises for at least five minutes, in a quiet place, you will feel your anger start to dissipate. You must then try to rationalise why you were so angry and then return to what you were doing beforehand.

We all tend to think we are always right, even when we are demonstrably wrong! The solution is to give others a chance to express their opinions: to actively listen to what is being said and then to use rational discussion to examine the argument rather than becoming angry and shouting. I know that this is often easier said then done. It takes practice, but it works.

In meetings, be conscious that raised voices can quickly lead to conflict. Keep your personal feelings under control — be aware of your body language — anger is easily transmitted through actions and facial expression, as well as actual words.

Before any emotional outburst, count to ten and by the time you get there, you may have diffused the anger inside of yourself.

However, if there is a pattern of angry outbursts, for instance on a daily basis, then this may well be the time to seek professional medical advice as your body may have an imbalance that require tests to ascertain the cause. But do not ignore it.

The author is a BBC guest-broadcaster and Motivational Speaker. She is CEO of an international stress management and employee wellbeing consultancy based in London.

Key points

Anger can derive from low self-esteem
Diffusing anger may need a third party
Our body language can be threatening

Article from Gulf News

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Managing teacher stress

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 12:49:00 +0000

Article from The Guardian

Teaching is a naturally stressful profession but with colleague support you can learn to manage it creatively and positively

Day in, day out... we all know teaching is a naturally stressful profession - but with a little bit of help from your colleagues you can learn to manage it creatively and positively. Photograph: www.alamy.com

We chose our profession. It is a naturally stressful profession. The law requires that children (25 or more) spend five or six periods a day (in small rooms); five days a week, three terms a year. Teachers have to lead, guide, encourage, motivate, manage, discipline, enable and support their students every hour of every day. This is no mean feat. Most of us do it with goodwill, remarkable patience and – often – good humour.

We do this with the daily reality that some of our students have significant learning and behaviour disorders (such as ADSD, ASD and ODD). Some of our students come from homes where there is "first world poverty": long-term unemployment, substance abuse, inadequate diet (at the most basic nutritional level), values about race, religion, sexism, homophobia significantly at odds with a pluralist society. In some families there is significant family dysfunction correlated with these factors. Why wouldn't our profession be naturally stressful?

In my book Managing Teacher Stress I've taken a lesser known quote from the famous soliloquy of Hamlet ("To be or not to be ...") "The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to ..." I've suggested that this is apposite to a teacher's daily, incredibly busy and demanding role... "a thousand natural shocks..."

Managing what is naturally stressful in our profession does not mean the absence of tension but our ability to collegially cope with, and support one another in that naturally stressful environment.

Learning to creatively live with that natural tension and stress is essential; it is the fundamental message of my book Managing Teacher Stress.

This book arose directly out of my work with very challenging schools in Australia and the UK. In Australia – however – we don't use terms like "schools in serious weaknesses", or "schools needing special measures". We also don't have an OFSTED.

Each year I work with several challenging schools as a mentor-teacher; working directly in challenging classes in a team-teaching mentoring role.

This form of mentoring is elective, supportive, classroom-based and seeks to encourage and support colleagues struggling with very challenging students or whole classes (or, more commonly, challenging "cohorts" of students within a class).

Many teachers know how stressful managing a very challenging class can be; when each lesson is ruminated on with concern, anxiety and even (at times) with dread!

The kind of mentoring my colleagues and I are involved in is directed at offering (or inviting) a colleague to work with a mentor directly in their challenging class(es).

Using our (rare) "free" periods we link up with colleagues to work directly with them in the classroom context where they are experiencing more than normal stress.

The mentor-colleague teaches alongside their "mentee" colleague to both observe, and relaxedly model, the sort of behaviour leadership they will discuss later – over coffee.

It is this existential sharing; this teaching with them (in their most challenging classes) that enables the sort of collegial trust that can utilise non-judgemental professional self-reflection. This is the opposite of appraisal.

This kind of mentoring, though labour intensive, builds collegial trust and often enables that goodwill, and confidence, essential in building a cohesive relation and learning environment with our students. Where a teacher is struggling with a particularly challenging student such mentoring support can often enable a positive repairing and rebuilding. This is discussed (at length) in the book.

Many books on stress emphasise personal responses such as relaxation activities (such as meditation or yoga); exercise; diet etc. While these are (obviously) important where we work, day after day, and how we do our work is also crucial to what kind (and level) of stress we experience and how we cope and manage that stress.

Where we work has a significant impact on our stress; the nature, extent and utility of colleague support has a crucial impact and effect on how we cope day-to-day (particularly in challenging schools). The research on colleague support bears this truth out over and over again (see my book I Get By With a Little Help: Colleague Support in Schools).

Building a supportive, collegial culture means we have to listen to our shared, our common, needs at the local school level. Senior staff who enable the genuine sharing of espoused needs (rather than assumed needs) also have a more responsive, connected and engaged staff.

In the book, I've sought to outline how a school leadership can build and maintain a supportive collegial culture to mitigate and manage our natural stress in areas such as classroom discipline; challenging classes; students with challenging behaviours (including diagnosed, or symptomatic, behaviour disorders); time and workload pressures and supporting struggling and (at times) reluctant teachers.

I have tried, also, to address the challenging experience of those who give (often unstintingly) support to colleagues in stress.

Three chapters are devoted to classroom discipline, challenging classes and individually challenging students. A full chapter is devoted to a mentoring model to support positive behaviour leadership in classroom (and non-classroom) settings.

The particularly disturbing issue of teacher bullying is also addressed. Some students (in our schools) use calculated, intentional, purposeful behaviours to intimidate, manipulate and "control" group behaviour towards some teachers. This is bullying. It is always wrong. No teacher should have to put up with the psychological harassment of some students in some of our schools, (most bullying is psychological).

Senior staff need to be alert to, and aware of, such behaviours in their schools and support colleagues who experience such behaviour. Teachers who may be more vulnerable to the power-seeking behaviour of some students should never be subsequently blamed under labels of "poor discipline" or "poor teaching". Bullying (of any kind) is always wrong and must be confronted in an appropriately restorative way. This issue is also addressed (at some length) in the book.

In a collegially supportive school teachers feel, and know, that when they ask for support when stress becomes wearing (particularly with challenging student behaviour) then it will be given without implied or open censure.

We all need support in our teaching and behaviour leadership (even lesson planning at times), our behaviour management and discipline, our follow-up and follow-through with our most demanding and most challenging students.

We need to be able to ask for such support without feeling that we are inadequate, ineffective or (worse) incompetent.

Most of us can find some moral support amongst our colleagues (and we always need that), we also need to build and maintain supportive colleague opportunities, structures, processes that can be depended upon for support. Colleague support cannot be left to goodwill alone or to chance.

The book is replete with case studies that address issues as diverse as bullying of teachers, anger and anxiety management, how to manage challenging behaviour in classrooms and the challenge of dealing with demanding and angry parents. The central message, though, is how colleague support enables us to manage positively and creatively with "the thousand shocks...".

In those schools where I noted a positive sense of consciously addressing the need for colleague support I noted three fundamental dimensions where such support had enhanced a positive colleague consciousness: moral support, professional support and structural support. What enables any aspect of colleague support is, of course, our shared humanity.

• Bill Rogers is an international guru on educational behaviour - he is based in Australia but spends at least three months of the year in the UK working with schools and teachers at workshops and seminars. Bill is Fellow of the Australian College of Education, Honorary Life Fellow of All Saints and Trinity College, Leeds University and Honorary Fellow, Melbourne University Graduate School of Education

Bill Rogers books, The Essential Guide to Managing Teacher Stress and You Know the Fair Rule are available through Pearson Books with a special discount for our readers - simply click on here to find out more.

This content is brought to you by Guardian Professional. Sign up to the Guardian Teacher Network to get access nearly 100,000 pages of teaching resources and join our growing community.

Could you be one of our bloggers?

Do you have something you want to share with colleagues – a resource of your own and why it works well with your students, or perhaps a brilliant piece of good practice in teaching or whole school activity that you know about it? If so please get in touch. If you would like to blog on the Guardian Teacher Network please email emma.drury@guardian.co.uk and please don't be shy about commenting on blogs on this page.

Article from The Guardian

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

How a bad 'un can be spotted at the age of TWO - and should be sent to 'discipline institutes' at five, says behaviour tsar

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 12:19:00 +0000

By LAURA CLARK, EDUCATION CORRESPONDENT

UPDATED: 15:05 GMT, 8 March 2012

Article from Mail Online

Children at risk of descending into a life of crime and aggression can and should be identified at the age of two, according to the Government's 'discipline expert'.

Those children likely to 'go off the rails' should be sent to specialist behavioral institutions at the age of five to stop their bad behaviour escalating, said Charlie Taylor, whose report is likely to be endorsed in full by the Government today.

Taylor said nurseries should be able to spot children with behavioural issues and recommend them for specialist tuition to provide them with boundaries and social skills.

Mr Taylor said: 'Any child can go off the rails for a bit and what we need is a system that is responsive to them and helps them to get back on the straight and narrow.'

He said it was easier to tackle poor behaviour among young children because habits were less ingrained.

‘If you can see it coming when they are two or three or four or five, then that’s when we can intervene,’ he said.

The proposal is part of a package drawn up by Mr Taylor to improve provision for disruptive youngsters in the wake of last summer’s riots.

His report criticises low-quality referral units for excluded pupils, who received little training and treated their institutions as a 'holiday camp'.

As a solution, Taylor calls for the most disruptive children to be sent to special centres to learn how to control their anger and get on with classmates before starting formal school.

From the age of two, youngsters could be given intensive help from expert staff from outside their nursery, and in some cases sent to specialist nurseries.

From five, disruptive youngsters could be placed in pupil referral units, which will become more closely linked to schools.

Mr Taylor said the aim was to help children early ‘rather than waiting until they are throwing tables around when they are 14 or 15’.

Mr Taylor, the Government's 'discipline expert' is headmaster of the Willows School, in West London, which caters exclusively for pupils with behavioural and emotional problems

Following an inquiry, he found that too many pupils who have been kicked out of school are left languishing in so-called ‘sin bins’.

Mr Taylor, headmaster of the Willows School, in West London, which caters exclusively for pupils with behavioural and emotional problems, said: ‘Often these children are showing some quite extreme behaviours very early on, so very aggressive, violent.

'Also some difficulties around speech and language very often as well. Often not potty trained.’

Mr Taylor said young children should learn ‘simple social skills like asking for stuff without hitting people’.

‘It’s about training them how to be in school, how to behave properly in school, what the rules are, how to contain themselves, how to express themselves,’ he said.

In the report, published yesterday, Mr Taylor calls for an ‘increased focus on effective assessment and identification of children’s needs’.

It adds: ‘This should take place as early as possible and before a child’s behaviour has deteriorated to the extent that permanent exclusion is the only option.’

Pupils would be encouraged to return quickly to their mainstream classes instead of spending years ‘out of sight, out of mind’ in a referral unit.

Mr Taylor’s school has a nursery section which accepts up to eight children at a time aged between three and five.

‘The best thing that happens in my own school by miles...is actually the intervention we do with three and four-year-olds,’ he said.

Praising the programme in 2010, Ofsted said: ‘It is difficult to understand that, when they arrived, they had not been able to benefit from any other form of nursery.’

Under further measures unveiled by Mr Taylor, a new generation of teachers will be trained in managing disruptive behaviour. From September, new teachers will be allowed to do some training in referral units.

Mr Taylor said: ‘A new breed of teachers trained in specialist behaviour management will help improve alternative provision and then act as a specialist cadre of teachers sharing their skills with others in the profession.’

His report is expected to be accepted by Education Secretary Michael Gove today.

He also proposes allowing pupil referral units to apply for academy status and gain independence from local authorities.

Article from Mail Online

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Kevlar for the Mind teaches stress management

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 02:06:00 +0000

Article from Northern Star

Posted: Monday, March 5, 2012 7:12 pm | Updated: 7:19 pm, Mon Mar 5, 2012.

Lauren Dielman

Protecting your mental health can’t be done by putting on a bulletproof vest.

Kevlar for the Mind, a program to teach students how to deal with stress, will run from 3 to 4 p.m. today in Adams Hall Room 404.

“I offer this once a semester,” said Sheryl Frye, assistant director of counseling for the office of support and advocacy. “I’ll talk about stress, stress response, progressive muscle relaxation, breathing and imagery techniques.”

Frye said she will also talk about anger management, which can be related to stress. Demonstrations on how these different techniques work will be provided.

Kevlar for the Mind got its name from what soldiers wear while in battle. Kevlar is a “super strong synthetic fiber made from crystalline,” according to a USA Today article.

“We call it ‘Kevlar for the Mind’ because we are reaching out to military students, but the event is really for all people,” Frye said.

Frye said stress can be positive and negative: It can be a beneficial motivator, but it also causes people to feel overwhelmed, eat unhealthy and lose sleep.

“Managing stress is a skill set,” Frye said. “There are ways to help ourselves reduce the emotional stress we get because of stress.”

Joy Wyatt, director of counseling services at Baldwin-Wallace College, said the amount of schoolwork college students have is one of the main reasons they feel overwhelmed.

“Sometimes they have not learned how to manage their time or they have not learned effective study skills, so they fall behind on their work,” Wyatt said.

Wyatt said some college students feel overwhelmed by the major they choose. Students who choose a major because they think it is what they should study based on their parent’s expectations or on making money may be more likely to feel overwhelmed, Wyatt said.

Article from Northern Star

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Anger management, for kids

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 09:24:00 +0000

by diana chandra todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg 04:46 AM Mar 04, 2012

Article from Today Online

We are often more shocked when we come across angry children than when we encounter angry adults. And we wonder what has made them angry - especially since they do not have all the stresses of life to bear.

I remember the first time my (then) five-year-old son's nursery teacher called and arranged to see me after school. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to find out.

The teacher told me that he was fidgety in class, disturbed others around him and was easily provoked when teased.

My little boy would go into a rage and pick up chairs to fling at those around him, and all his little classmates would scream and run around terrified.

As the teacher was talking, I looked at my son who was standing next to me - and saw a big tear suddenly well up in his eyes.

I was unsure at the time how to respond on two fronts. Firstly, to the teacher, who had recounted the misbehaviour in my son's presence, such that he might feel criticised and judged.

Secondly, to my son, whose "darker" side was now revealed. His tears made me realise that this little boy was struggling with things on his own.

Later, when I walked with him to the car, my son asked for a hug. I gladly gave him one - not because he had apologised, but because I wanted to reassure him that he was loved despite what he had done.

We talked for a while. And I realised, for the first time, that he was having difficulty making friends in school. The other little kids did not like him, for reasons that he did not understand.

This sparked a conversation about feelings and what he could do to allow others a chance to get to know him. It was not easy to convince a five-year-old that he would have friends in due time. In fact, it took a while before he made some friends.

We practised the "anger line" together. He learnt to identify where his anger level was at on a scale of 1 to 10, so that he could call for a "time-out". During these "time-outs", he would excuse himself to walk away, and have a moment to himself to calm down, rather than react.

This experience taught my son that he could talk to someone when he was angry, without being judged. He also learnt to see his emotions - even those as volatile as anger - as a part of him. He learnt to recognise what it was saying to him: That what drove his reactions was his desire to have friends and not be lonely.

He also emerged understanding that he had choices, and that each choice would have a different impact on himself and on others. In this particular incident, I showed him that he could either get angry with his friends for teasing him, which is what he did; or learn to voice his opinion in an acceptable way, which I could guide him to do.

Most importantly, at the very core, he realised that he had his family's love and support whenever he had to cope with difficult situations.

As a parent, I learnt to understand that kids throw tantrums when they cannot seem to get what they want. This may often be more out of frustration rather than wilfulness, especially at that young an age.

Teaching kids to verbalise what they need and want in an appropriate, acceptable manner is important because they are learning to be assertive without being aggressive.

It also teaches them the possibility of negotiating for what they want, rather than throwing tantrums or totally ignoring the person. In getting what they need, a child grows to become more confident and develop a positive self-esteem, which I believe are the building blocks of an emotionally stable adult life.

Over the years, my son was conscientious in applying the anger interruption techniques in trying situations. He has grown into a responsible teenager who is discerning about how his emotions may affect himself and the people around him. I have seen how hard he has worked in managing his emotions.

It has been a difficult journey, but he knows it was one that will serve him well in later years of his life - and that I will be with him every step of the way.

Diana Chandra is a senior therapist with EMCC (Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre), and a mother of three children aged 28, 27 and 17.

Article from Today Online

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO