Angie's Blog Of Silly Stuff

Chief vs White Man

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:08:00 +0000

Old Indian Chief "Bald Eagle" was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Pirate Joke

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:08:00 +0000

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with
a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship
and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of
birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can't loose an eye from bird crap."

*The pirate replied "It was my first day with the hook."*

Hunting Season Joke

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:14:00 +0000

Jack and his buddies were discussing an upcoming hunting trip. Unfortunately, Jack had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Jack headed home, depressed.

Later on when Jack's buddies arrived at the hunting camp, they were shocked to see Jack. He was already there with a cold beer in hand, burgers cooking on the grille, gun cleaned and loaded, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you come, Jack?" "I didn't have to," Jack replied.

"When I left you guys, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a brew to drown my sorrows. Then Bernice snuck up behind me, covered my eyes, and said, 'Surprise.'"

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through nightie and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want!'"...

"So, HERE I AM!"

That's What Friends Are For - Funny Video

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:03:00 +0000

Poor kid. He thinks he's just playing a game...

Swine Flu Humor

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:10:00 +0000

Worried about getting the swine flu? DON'T DO THIS:

If you wake up looking like this, you may have the swine flu....

The Middle Wife - Kids Say The Funniest Things

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 21:35:00 +0000

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Grilling/BBQ Rules (Joke)

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:19:00 +0000

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

Why You Shouldn't Should Walk Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Mon, 11 May 2009 17:01:00 +0000

Jokes on exercise, and why you shouldn't do it!

Walking 20 minutes a day can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing!

Blonde Guy At A Bar Joke

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:43:00 +0000

Blonde Guy Joke

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The blonde guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the blonde guy...

"I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Mother-in-Law Burial Joke

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 05:10:00 +0000

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

Murder Scandal At Wal-Mart (Joke)

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:50:00 +0000

I'll start by apologizing for this joke. I received it in an email yesterday, and it was so stupid I just had to post it... please forgive me! lol!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Blonde Car Accident (Joke)

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 03:35:00 +0000

It's been a while since I posted a blonde joke, so here's one that I recently read that gave me a chuckle:

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies,

"When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Wife Vs. Husband

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 04:19:00 +0000

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...

'HEBREWS'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 'God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'

The Wong Family

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:52:00 +0000

Here's an oldie, but a goodie!

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

He Said, I Said...

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:42:00 +0000

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him... You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. .. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him... We don't know; it has never happened.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge!

What Religion Is Your Bra?

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:25:00 +0000

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... "

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
And, The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

...They forgot the German bra...
Holtzemfromfloppen!

Signs

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 12:08:00 +0000

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,'The officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50

My Power Is Out, But I'll Be Back Soon!

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 02:25:00 +0000

My power has been out for four days now... ever since a lovely ice storm hit our area on Tuesday. I'll be back to posting as soon as everything returns to normal. Please be patient and come back soon. If you'd like to see what I'm dealing with, I've posted a couple pictures on my other blog.

It's Back To The Original SUV

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 05:42:00 +0000

As our nation's Big 3 auto manufacturers face bankruptcy, we will all be faced with returning to the old time basics.

Americans will soon need to embrace the original SUV....

Women, Men, Marriage, Cigarettes and Tampons

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 03:37:00 +0000

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Who Is Your Best Friend?

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 02:31:00 +0000

Subject: Scientific Test

Who is really your best friend? Your dog or your spouse?

Ok, check this out....I tried this...and guess what? It really, REALLY works!

1. Lock your spouse and your dog in the trunk of your car.
2. Wait one hour.
3. Open up and see who is really happy to see you.

Drunk Story

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:55:00 +0000

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk!'

Where Crescent Rolls Come From

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:33:00 +0000

Watch it more than once! Guaranteed to make you laugh!

Posters For Your Work Space

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 04:19:00 +0000

We've all seen the inspirational posters that many employers hang in their offices. We have one at my work that says ACHIEVE, with someone hang gliding on it. Those are fine... but these are funnier!

Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (AMH615) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 20:15:00 +0000

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.