Angie's Blog Of Silly Stuff

Bubble Gum Warning (Joke)

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 03:34:00 +0000

Three Little Pigs

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:42:00 +0000

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Scotch And Two Drops Of Water

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 02:35:00 +0000

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Funny Signs

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:58:00 +0000

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows...."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:49:00 +0000

Finally, someone has managed to photograph
the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!!!!!

It's Easy To Make A Woman Happy.?

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:17:00 +0000

It's not difficult to make a woman happy...

A man only needs to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48.. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

Humor For The Parents Of An Energetic Child

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:25:00 +0000

Exercise Humor

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:20:00 +0000

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound,
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... I went over the hill.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave I look just fine.

Free Grill

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:09:00 +0000

As every Southerner knows, come this summer it will be time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique of the south --- outdoor grilling!

I have just found out there are several stores---not just in the South---where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q grill!

These free grills are available from any of the following stores:

A&P

Albertsons

Costco

Food Lion

Fry's

Home Depot

Big Lots

Brookshire's

Lowes

Publix

Safeway

Sam's Club

Target

Vons

Trader Joe's

Wal-Mart

Winn-Dixie

Kroger

Why Raincoats Are Yellow

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:04:00 +0000

Water Or Wine?

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:53:00 +0000

Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstratedthat if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of crap.

Jesus Is Watching You

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:46:00 +0000

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A Short Love Story

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:05:00 +0000

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold..'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed!!

'Good,' she replied. .............. 'Get your own dang blanket..'

After a moment of silence, ........................ he farted.

The End

Children

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:34:00 +0000

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children...

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was: 'DON'T !'

'Don't what ?' Adam asked.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'

' No Way !'

'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! 'said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so! 'God replied wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?' God asked.

'Uh huh,'

Adam replied.

'Then why did you?' said the Father.

'I don't know.'

said Eve.

'She started it!'

Adam said.

'Did not!'

'Did too!'

'DID NOT!'

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Chief vs White Man

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:08:00 +0000

Old Indian Chief "Bald Eagle" was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Pirate Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:08:00 +0000

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with
a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship
and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of
birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can't loose an eye from bird crap."

*The pirate replied "It was my first day with the hook."*

Hunting Season Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:14:00 +0000

Jack and his buddies were discussing an upcoming hunting trip. Unfortunately, Jack had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Jack headed home, depressed.

Later on when Jack's buddies arrived at the hunting camp, they were shocked to see Jack. He was already there with a cold beer in hand, burgers cooking on the grille, gun cleaned and loaded, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you come, Jack?" "I didn't have to," Jack replied.

"When I left you guys, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a brew to drown my sorrows. Then Bernice snuck up behind me, covered my eyes, and said, 'Surprise.'"

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through nightie and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want!'"...

"So, HERE I AM!"

That's What Friends Are For - Funny Video

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:03:00 +0000

Poor kid. He thinks he's just playing a game...

Swine Flu Humor

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:10:00 +0000

Worried about getting the swine flu? DON'T DO THIS:

If you wake up looking like this, you may have the swine flu....

The Middle Wife - Kids Say The Funniest Things

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 21:35:00 +0000

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Grilling/BBQ Rules (Joke)

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:19:00 +0000

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

Why You Shouldn't Should Walk Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Mon, 11 May 2009 17:01:00 +0000

Jokes on exercise, and why you shouldn't do it!

Walking 20 minutes a day can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing!

Blonde Guy At A Bar Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:43:00 +0000

Blonde Guy Joke

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The blonde guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the blonde guy...

"I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Mother-in-Law Burial Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 05:10:00 +0000

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

Murder Scandal At Wal-Mart (Joke)

noreply@blogger.com (Angies Photos, Blogs, etc.) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:50:00 +0000

I'll start by apologizing for this joke. I received it in an email yesterday, and it was so stupid I just had to post it... please forgive me! lol!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'