Angie's World

Dirty or Not? You Decide

2011-03-22T07:54:00.008+05:00

I just came back home and I was checking facebook as usual. I saw an invitation and I said oh boy where are you inviting me this time, people? However, it was not what I thought. Although, I still think it is late for this game, they are supposed to do this in October, it is fun to do it this time.

They say it's all for the awareness, but I believe there IS something called bad publicity. So, I didn't like the first two games where you were posting the color of your bra and where you put your purse when you get to home. I am sure you already guessed what I am talking about.

Although the first was not so bad, I didn't like the second game. Why? Because it sounded "dirty". Girls were posting things like , I like it on the counter, on the bed, on the ground, etc. Is it right to associate Breast Cancer Awareness with sex?!? Probably your sex life suffers as well if you are fighting against this horrible disease, but C'mon we can do much better than just making men think we are talking dirty!

This year, although I am still not sure why we are doing it in March, you choose the fruit that fits your relationship status. Event planner Ida Boyd even thought about ladies who are widows.

As you can guess I am a blueberry & strawberry. Interpretation? I'm single, and still couldn't find the one, yet.

The game (started on March 16) ends March 31. So, hurry up. The event name is "Please read girls only"

She ends it by saying,

"The bra game reached TV, lets get this one to do the same, and show everyone how powerful women are"

So, this makes me think is it really for the Breast Cancer Awareness, or personal fame?!

You decide...

Love,
Angie
XOXO

Winter wasn't even my season...

2011-03-20T14:26:00.004+05:00

If you ask me the season that I love the least, I would probably say winter. My relationship with winter was a hate-love relationship. When I was little I used to beg my parents to go outside to play snow fight. However, soon after we were going outside, all I wanted to do was to go inside. The snow looks pretty, but I just don't like to play with it. Watching it from inside was good enough for me.

It's still enough, but if you consider where I live now, unfortunately during winter days I don't have the luxury to stay in and watch the pretty white cloth covering everything up. It's amazing what we can get used to. In august 18, it will be my fourth year in here. I am not even sure if I will be here to celebrate my fourth year in here. Anyways...

Long story short, people can adjust to anything. Except the customs of locals ( I think). No matter how many years pass I cannot get used to American guys' way of quick dating. This should be an educating post for all the women out there who are not aware of American style dating. It's like their eating habits. It's fast! It's not fast-food, but it's fast-dating. Of course there are exceptions. There are still good guys, but I think they either live in other states, or they are invisible, or worse; they are ugly as hell lol.

When I was discussing this with my friend Gina, she was surprised, although she's a foreigner like me, she didn't experience what I experienced. Her American boyfriend was kind and old fashioned. Unfortunately, she had her good share of fast-dating recently.

Let me explain what I am talking about...

Although you might think I am accusing of my own kind, you have to accept; us, women are not so innocent. I think what makes men so confident is the green light they get from women.

These frogs have courage to ask you to go back to their places even after one or two drinks. If you had been out to dinner with these frogs, they think "hey I paid for the freaking dinner, I deserve to get my dessert, YOU!"

Let me tell you what you deserve, you deserve a kick in between your legs! What happened to old fashioned dating, trying to get to know each other, and falling in love, before "smushing"?

There are women out there who can't wait to go to a guy's place after one drink. Their excuse is, "it's just sex", or it's been so long, or they just had a bad day and want to change their moods. What they don't realize is that they also change the rules of dating, because there are so many females out there doing this that men started to think that's ok. They almost think that it's mandatory after second or third date. I was discussing this with two friends, the Owl and Mr Money. I would expect Mr Money to be on my side since he's gay he feels/thinks like a woman. Right? Anyways, they told me that if a man still doesn't hint you after the third date that he wants to sleep with you ASAP, then he must be really in love with you. They think sex in the second or third date is a mandatory dating activity. Now, wait a second! If he's not in love with me, why am I dating him in the first place?!? Just to spend time? or to wait and see if he will ever fall in love with me?

Then the Owl confessed that he slept with his current girlfriend on the first date, right after dinner. I met the girl, simply she has confidence issue, and probably she wanted to secure herself, because she just started college and she was in a new environment. This is another reason why some women just give it up so easily. Simple they need to depend on someone, because of their personal issues. They better go see a therapist and be independent, strong women ASAP!

Let me share a personal experience. It can even be considered a twisted sad experience, because I found out that the guy I dated was...bisexual. Don't get me wrong, I don't judge people, I am not the one to tell them how to live their lives, but I do want the guy I date to be definitely STRAIGHT!

I had seen Mr Bisexual only three times. Although I sensed something was off I just couldn't put my finger on it. I always Google the guys I date. I don't just mean Googling like normal people, I Google like crazy and I found about all his dirty laundry along with his sexual preference. Although I figured out this detail after the second date, because we arranged the third date I didn't cancel it, I rather decided to confront him. I was quite intoxicated at the end of the night, and although it was his birthday and he kept saying this was too short when I was leaving with my friends, (thinking he was punishing me for not letting him to control me. will tell the details later) I left him there and never contacted him ever again! THANK GOD he never contacted me as well.

At the end of our second date, he asked "what do you want to do now?" It was 1:00am and we were in a bar. I was quite naive I guess or he caught me off guard and I didn't understand what he meant at first, but two seconds later I realized, and wanted to think he just didn't ask THAT! but I was right. However, I pretended like I didn't get it, and said "I am tired and I will go home", and not to cause any confusion I added "and you go to your own home. We already arranged to meet tomorrow. So, we can do something tomorrow." Although I had no interest in doing anything he had in mind tomorrow or anytime soon, I had to get rid off him kindly. He was quite satisfied thinking he was going to get what he wanted to get in the first place. However, I was just disgusted by the way he asked as if "hey I am bored, you are bored, let's have sex."

You might find me boring, old fashioned. WHATEVER. If there is one thing that I am NOT, that is I am not Carrie Bradshaw. She can be your idol, your guru or whatever the heck you think she is or the character Samantha Jones, I simply like to have things the old way. Meet the guy, get to know him/fall in love with him, and start a fulfilling relationship with him.

So, if you are like me, unfortunately, you will have difficulty dating in this continent. You might be suffering from the same thing in Europe, but I think the situation in here is sadder.

Gina recently experienced this herself. After breaking up with her American boyfriend, who was quite different than usual Americans when it comes to dating, she met a guy at the bar and started talking to him. She thought the cute guy was into her. He was listening, asking questions, complementing. Simply, he was playing his part quite well. Then, he made the major mistake. He suggested her going back to his place! Of course, Gina was quite surprised, but kindly refused him ASAP saying she needs to catch up her friends and go back home. I couldn't help and said "I told ya. Now, do you get what I meant about American way of dating?"

Now, as a single girl back in the market, Gina is more careful then ever, because what happens if you had one too many martinis and you accept the guy's offer to go back to his place without thinking/realizing what he has in mind? If you are a Carrie Bradshaw/Samantha Jones, when you wake up next morning you will surprise at yourself and you will get dressed to go to Starbucks to get your daily doze of caffeine and will not even remember what happened last night by the time for lunch, but if you don't have a thick skin like her? It's always better to stay away from things that contains high dose of embarrassment.

Be careful about those frogs who think they deserve to get laid, because they paid for your drink or dinner, or because they know you for 48 hours!

Of course, this is another reason for me being single. I want a meaningful relationship. I don't believe a healthy relationship starts after sex. It's just sex after all like you said...

Love,
Angie
XOXO

P.S Please help out people of Japan....

Suddenly I See...

2011-03-20T11:59:00.001+05:00

I am trying to read a book that my neighbor Marry lend me. I said "trying" because lately my brain is so exhausted, so tired, so sad, so disappointed that even the easiest tasks are difficult to accomplish.

This book talks about visualization. The idea behind it is really simple, but in grown-ups world nothing is easy. Basically, what you are supposed to do is to dream about who you want to be, what you want to do. It's what we used to do all the time when we were little, when things were easier. The sky was really the limit for us. Maybe it is still so for some, but I realized it wasn't like that for me. This visualization is a really difficult homework for me. I was raised with the mentality that your choices reflect who you are and what kind of a family you have. Long story short, my visualization skills are handicapped by my up bringing.

I am torn in between. On one hand, I want to be an important business woman in a corporate firm and have my corner office, and fly overseas all the time for business and not have my own family, simply because I will not have time for that, and I will complete my life in other aspects.

However, my heart is in love with opening a small store (maybe a patisserie) in Rome (I can't forget about Rome since I went there when I was seventeen) and having a low key life, and living happily ever after. Then I tell myself "this is impossible!". How am I going to leave everything and let everyone down and settle for something really simple? People will tell each other how sorry they feel for me; that after all those years of education and having a bright future ahead of me, I leaving everything for NOTHING!

I know I shouldn't care about anything and do what ever makes me happy, but is it possible to be happy when so many people around you trying to make you feel bad, because you didn't choose the path you are expected to choose?

They will not be happy for me, until my low key, simple life desire accomplishes something important. If I manage to be all over the news (not in a scandalous way) and appreciated by even strangers then those people who try to put me down simply for not following their dreams for me, will be happy and proud for KNOWING ME, and will tell everyone that they know me. Is that the only way for me to be happy? What if I blow everyone and leave everything behind and start a new life? Wait a second! Didn't I already do that? Yes. Yes, I did and it was not enough, my old life was attached me at the hip. Besides, I am coming to an end in this journey, although I am wishing for a last minute miracle. I don't even believe in miracles, but wanting it to come true one time wouldn't hurt anyone I guess.

Is it wrong not wanting to go back to people who only express their love when you accomplish something, but not when you want a peaceful, simple life?

All self-help books would tell you to eliminate negativity. They say drop it like a bad habit. What if they are your closest ones? What do you do then? How do you cut them out of the picture? Are we even allowed to do that? Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love them, but they simply do not get me! I was told that I have a cat personality (I will tell you later who diagnosed me. lol) and my family has definitely a dog personality. They like to suffer, and make the others a priority, because that's what families do or at least they think so. However, remember the announces on planes: Help yourself first, so you can help others. Or it was something like that whatever.

For wanting to be mentally stable and healthy, and drama-free I am accused of being selfish and an ice queen.

Guess what? I accept all accusations and sooner or later, I will find a way to make my dreams, the dreams that you find ridiculous come true!

Of course when you are still torn between expectations and dreams, it is difficult to dream yourself with Mr Right, because I am not sure where he will fit.

Plus, I have witnessed so many bad relations, so many wrong marriages that I am still not sure if I will ever want to carry on a relation let alone a marriage.

I guess only time will tell.

Until then I will keep being a student of visualization.

Sweet dreams everyone. Don't forget to dream about your the future, the way you want it to be.

They say everything is created two times; first in the mind, then in reality.

First, you need to believe in your dreams, then believe the possibility of it, then eventually it will come true. ;)

Suddenly I see what I wanna be! Lalalalalalalala

Love,

Angie
XOXO

Oldies but Goldies?!

2011-03-19T12:25:00.025+05:00

This blog supposed to have funny dating stories, but somehow CJ turned things into a bitter story. Anyways, since he is in the past, it's time to talk about some funny stuff. The stuff that I always tell my friends and they keep telling me that I need to write these down and should make it a book. Well....obviously it's not a book, but! it's even better. It's a blog that I can keep adding new stuff. So, where to start?

Let's start from the last frog I dated.

Actually I mentioned him before in my blog; the So Called Tall B. However, you don't know the latest news. So, get your tea/coffee/cola whatever you I like to drink and start reading. I have my tea that is microwaved two times, because I keep forgetting to drink it LOL.

I haven't seen So Called Tall B since our first date. It was our first and the last date. THANK GOD!

If only I wasn't such a nice person I would turn my back, get into my car and drive off ASAP as fast as possible. Not that he was ugly or anything, but he has a baby-face. He claimed he was twenty-three, but he was not looking a day older than seventeen which was a sudden turn of for me. Plus he was skinny. I like hunks! Definitely not Mike the Situation type of morons, but mostly football players with a cute face on top of a perfect body. Anyways...

You already know what happened in our date. If you don't here is the "link". It was the longest date of my life! However, I shouldn't forget the moron I dated before him. These last two frogs....OMG they make me speechless which is quite unusual for me, because my friends know that it's something really really rare for me.

Long story short, I ran into this guy at a friends party. Our mutual friend/who set me up with this weird frog, So Called Tall B wanted me to invite him, but I came up with this excuse that it's not my party, so I cannot invite his friend So Called Tall B. Then of course he asked my friend whom the party was for. Although I warned her about this, and I asked her not to invite him! but of course she's too soft on people (most of the time) and she couldn't say no and kind of invited this So Called Tall B guy. Grrrr! However, I still had my hopes high and thought he wouldn't come. It turned out that I was wrong :(

He showed up with our mutual friend and some other moron looking guy. I know they say never judge a book by it's cover. However, most of the times the cover gives away the most important details that you need. It's same for people. Some people's moronness (is that even a word? lol who cares I'm the boss here;) )and their ugly personality can be clearly seen on their faces. This guy that they brought with them was definitely a moron and for some reason he was so happy when he saw me. "Buddy you just met me why do you look at me like a dog who just reunited with his owner after so many years?!" Whatever clearly he was a desperate frog...

I decided to be cold to So Called Tall B, because I knew that he still had his hopes. (P.S. We only contacted by commenting each others' status twice since the coffee date. The first one, I suggested him soothing linen spray for his insomnia and then he commented on my status about sending a check without a date on it.)
He saw me, but I pretended like I haven't seen him and I pretended like I just saw our mutual friend. After saying Hi to him and his girlfriend, I shook So Called Tall B's hand and that was it.

When I decided to relax, I realized he was following me around in the small ass bar. When I was talking to a guy he was right behind us with a cold, bad ass expression on his face. I was changing places and then I was founding him right behind me again and again. It wasn't cute! He was quite creepy, because he almost had no humanly emotions on his face. I couldn't talk to my friends more than two minutes, because I had to change places constantly. I was like "I'll be back in 5"

When my friend T was going outside to smoke, I was going outside as well so that I could leave him inside, and breathe for few minutes. However, the last time I went outside he followed me. Few seconds after I went outside, he came outside as well, and that was it for me! That was just too much. He followed me around all night as if we were attached at the hip. He was so close to me when I was talking to a guy that was just plain creepy and annoying. After he came outside, I said it's too cold which was not a lie, and I went in and I used my friends as a camouflage/barrier. I don't know if he saw me or he decided to give up, but he disappeared for 10 minutes. I cannot tell you how relieved I was. I was happy like a dog without any fleas.

Then, of course something weird had to happen. The third wheel, who came with our friend Owl and So Called Tall B, kept asking "Did you see my friends? Where are my friends? Did they leave? Did they go outside? Did they leave? Did they leave?" I don't know how old that moron was, but he was a grown up ass man acting like a child who was left at the mall by his mother. He kept repeating "Where are my friends?" question for twenty times or maybe even more that I just wanted to slap him across his face and wanted to say "GROW UP MORON! It's not the end of the world! Get a cab, or ask someone to drive you home, buddy."

Then the Moron's friends, Owl and So Called B showed up. At first I didn't realize, but their mood was changed. I think the Owl was more relaxed and happier and then I looked at So Called B, and had to take another look at him. He was dancing like a crazy monkey. If you haven't guessed yet. Yes, they probably had a special cocktail at the restroom.

The Owl even dared to ask me if I smoke weed or if I snort. I have never used any drugs in my life and I am perfectly fine this way. So, I was really offended by his question and he had to take it back, said sorry and said "I was just asking". Well...YOU MORON YOU BETTER NEVER DARE TO SEE ME AGAIN!

I don't know if So Called Tall B thought his crazy monkey dance was not appreciated enough or he felt sleepy or wanted to have another cocktail, but he left with his Moron friend, the Third Wheel. He kissed my friend T goodbye, and before he could do any moves I made the move to shake his hand. So, we had a cold and-Thank God-short hand shake and he left.

After that traumatizing night I felt too much undisguised and blocked him, and the Owl from seeing my fb wall and all my pictures. I do not need their so called friendship. I guess he got my message, or because I was cold to him that night, and didn't talk to him nor pay attention to him, he deleted me from his fb. I could not be any more happier!

You may think that I am exaggerating, but you need to surround yourself with good people to have a healthy and happy life. Obviously, these people are nothing but germs!

You think that was the end of the story? You are wrong! Chapter Two is coming up shortly, "The Owl thinks he can date me".

See you soon...

Enjoy,
Angie
XOXO

You are no good for me!

P.S. Please Do not forget to help out Japan!

I'm back bitchesssss!

2011-03-18T12:24:00.004+05:00

Hahaha I always wanted to say this, but the possibility of saying this aloud in real life is almost zero. Sorry, it's just not my style. So what happened since December? I had a not-so-fun New Year's eve party at a fancy club. (I think I am over the bar/club scene. I used to make fun of people who say that, especially men. If you are over, if he is over, then who are all these jerks at the bars/clubs? However, I experienced in first hand that it is possible to be over the bar/club scene.)

It's 3:09am and I don't feel tired. It must be the ADHD that I don't have kicking in haha.

So.....

My thoughts changed so much over the last three months. Miss Anti-marriage wants to find Prince Charming and want to have her own family and live happily ever after lalalala. (Of course the reason behind this is my family drama, but that's another story.) What's the possibility? I really don't know, but I really want to believe that there is someone one special for me out there. I hope God ships him to me as a next-day-delivery. Hehe

My Goodness, I haven't have such a bad asthma attack in months. I feel like someone is choking me right now. Could it be the dear spirit in our apartment? Actually, I was going to mention her in my Halloween post, but I was tired and felt lazy and changed my mind. Long story short, me and two other neighbors are feeling a "presence" in the building. Not a so nice one, but a harmless one, or at least this is what I want to believe. We don't know who it is, but I feel/think it's a female.

Let's change the subject before I really believe she's in my apartment floating around.

There was a draft, a really long one about my dating life that I really wanted to post, but for some reason I never posted it, and at this point I am debating whether to post it or not. What do you think? Do you want to hear more about this crazy girl babbling about her dating life?

I think I will make an exception and give the link of my blog to my neighbor. I wonder what she will say. She's an open-minded woman and I want someone to know I am babbling about stuff in my life. I don't know...It's something totally out of my comfort zone, but I think I will do it. :)

As I always do, I will end my post with a song (posted below) that I think is connected to the main idea in this post.

Enjoy,

Angie

XOXO

Rescue me before I fall into despair

I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

A year has passed since I wrote my note

Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart

I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

Seems I'm not alone at being alone

P.S Don't forget to help people of Japan!

Taking it easy...

2010-12-15T09:16:00.002+05:00

I decided to take things easy. I am not chasing love anymore. I will wait for it to happen at the right time at the right place. Do I believe this? Yes. Besides, I don't have any other options than believing in this. I dated so many wrong guys aka loser, disgusting jerks that at this stage in my life all I can do is to wait. I am still young. There is no need to be desperate to find love. I can take my time.

He is some where out there and I will meet him one day.

Till then let's talks about old funny dating stories ;)

xoxo

Angie

Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong.

The storm is coming soon.

I still believe in summer days
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Reality...

2010-12-09T10:45:00.001+05:00

There isn't much to write about really. I guess Mary is right, if you push something too much it won't come true. I dedicated myself so much finding a boy friend since April, because I want to be in a relationship happily. I am sick of being single. I want someone next to me who is in love with me and just happy to be with me. So, I dated many guys, but I couldn't find what I was looking for. I always eliminate men if they don't fit my criteria. I hope like my Mary says I can realize him when I run into him, because I am afraid that I cannot see this since I keep eliminating them and moving on. I don't want to end up alone, and just because I don't want to end up alone, I don't want to be with someone who is not good enough for me. I want to find the One. Do I ask for too much? If there is someone for everyone where is my match?

I'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?

There's just nothing left to say here...

Thank You CJ

2010-12-07T14:47:00.001+05:00

I hosted a formal dinner party recently and guess who was one of the guests? Yes, you guessed it correctly. It was CJ. At first i came up with this plan just to see him or to create another chance to hang out with him, i don't know. Then it turned into a way that I just didn't care if he comes or not, I was going to be with my friends and this is what was important for me. I was going to enjoy myself and entertain my guests.

I don't care what others say, he was still upset with me that I didn't buy his game and confronted him saying that it's not ok to use me for my connections. Still a twenty-seven year-old man should know how to behave when he is among friends, my friends. Clearly, he has no clues. He was really rude to me. He barely talked to me. As if he was in a restaurant having dinner with his friends and I was the waitress. Wait! That's not all. After the dinner, he was lying on my couch his feet up on. I was like when did we get married CJ, and when did you become the man of the house? Who gave you the right to behave like that? Maybe he thought he is entitled to behave like this, because I had been to his place before, I guess four times in total. Still, it was his first time being in my home. I would expect him to be a gentleman with some manners. Clearly, he doesn't have any! However, I should thank to him. By being so rude and offhand, he helped me to de-attach myself from him, and I stated this clearly to him. I think he was a little stressed when me and my friend were talking about this guy who also wanted to come over. However, what I saw on CJ's face that he was a little stressed, because he realized that I unmasked him and made it clear to him that I already moved on. So, if he thought he was punishing me by not texting back and trying to ruin my plans for the night...sorry CJ you couldn't do it!

I am surprised that he was more jerk than all the other jerks that I know. He looks like a good guy, he treats you as if he is a good guy, but once you get to know him a little more...it's like opening the can of worms. He is disgusting me, because of the rude behaviors he had at my home. I am glad I am almost over him. I need the other 10% to be over him 100%, but still 90% is a good ratio to begin with! :)

xoxo

-Angie

No strings attached between me and you

Amazing it seems

You mean nothing to me anymore...

First Argument

2010-12-02T11:21:00.002+05:00

This morning I sent him my first pissed off text message. Few hours later I was all calmed down and decided to apologize and explain why I did, what I did. I wrote him how he made me feel and told him that we can see each other in any atmosphere, as long as he doesn't invite me to an event because he needs to impress people for his job. One hour nineteen minutes later he send me a very political answer, turning up everything as if it was all in my mind and I made it up and he has no idea what i was talking about. I couldn't believe it, but I saw that there was no point in arguing with him, I would be just wasting my time. So, I said ok whatever let's move on. Actually, this argument helped me to de-attach myself from him. One more time he proved me he is not who I think or who I want him to be.

Ah how much I miss Keith in times like this. His answer to my message would be all honest and sweet, not political like CJ. Anyways, never miss an ex. This is my motto and I am sticking to it!

Nothing will ever be the same again...

Back to Square 1, CJ?

2010-11-30T10:50:00.002+05:00

I wish he was really meaning the lyrics of the song that he sent to me as one of his favorite songs. I know probably he could not even think that sending the song might imply something to me. The lyrics are so perfect that it's exactly what I would want him to say.

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl

Although he's coming over for dinner to join me and my friends, and we agreed on drinking more of his wine and watching a movie (all was decided today!), I do not expect anything. I know that he'll not keep his promises. Besides, we have limited time, so probably nothing will happen. I will just enjoy his company and will enjoy the moment.

I say goodbye this time

2010-11-29T05:13:00.001+05:00

Ok. So, the guy that I was looking forward to talking to on Thursday evening turned out to be a disappointment, but!...I met few others. Two Latinos, one Cuban guy, and one Spanish speaking blonde guy. I liked the blonde guy. Maybe because he had these crazy eyes; full of life and humor. It's a sign of brains I think. Before anything else a guy should have brains, then a caring kindness soul. I'm so getting him! *hehe* I already talked to one of the party hosts where I met Mr Espanol. She got my intentions and offered to arrange a double date. Cross your fingers everybody and say goodbye to CJ!

You say goodbye, I say hello, but that's it CJ!

Same Script, Different Cast, Same Ending...

2010-11-28T07:54:00.000+05:00

When I think about everything clearly, I see how selfish and cold CJ is, and I start to hate him. He is not who I think he is. I wanted him to be someone else, and I kept looking for that person in him, but he is not that person. I was just fooling myself. I was wasting my time thinking he's shy and inexperienced. No, these are just excuses. Like T said he is just using people; talking to them when he wants to know something, or calling/texting them when he's bored. That's it! He better stays away from me. I don't want to see him or hang out with him again. I don't want his friendship. I have enough friends.

Waiting for My Sunny Day...

2010-11-27T13:41:00.000+05:00

I deserve to be happy, don't I? I want to ask God, why? why? why don't you let me be happy? but I know it's not him. I know he can make whatever he wants come true, but it's me. I am like this because of my choices, but still he could help me a little by making things easier for me; taking away my pain. Not about CJ, but it would be great if I could get rid of my sadness and my fears in general. I think at least I deserve this. I know that he is not going to do anything. I need to fight and hang in there. The sun will rise again after darkness of the night...

I want to believe that there will be a day when I am happy and peaceful. There is this man who will love me, adore me, and will want to spend his life with me to get old with me. I believe that. It's like ray of light between clouds. There is hope. My life might be cloudy right now, but time will come for me to have my sunny day. I believe that.

What's going on?

2010-11-27T13:20:00.001+05:00

Is that a coincidence or am a conspiracy theorist as always? I don't know, but if there is one thing that I know is that something is going on!

Few hours later writing those sentences I got new news about CJ. Now, I am thinking did I misinterpret everything? Was it all in my mind? Or is there something that I don't know, and I miss?

Another two hours passed. I am so hurt that I can't write...I don't know what to write, because I don't know what to think...

P.S I know this sounds so confusing to you, but I can't explain right now, but promise I'll....

How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall?

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right

CJ vs Mr Patriot

2010-11-25T13:06:00.000+05:00

it's always so easy to talk to the Patriot guy. After struggling to keep the conversation going with CJ, it's so much fun talking to Mr Patriot. Except talking about politics! Although I need to keep the conversation going. When i don't talk for few minutes he says he has to do something or he needs to go sleep. However, when he says these things it's mostly midnight or later. He doesn't say he's going to shower, study, sleep and leave suddenly. So, he is not rude like CJ.

I'm so tired, I can't write any more. See you in another post. *lol* Bye...

Supreme boss with a baby angel sleeping face...

2010-11-23T06:43:00.000+05:00

Maybe he's not ignoring me after all. I think he is just selfish. He talks and sees me when he has time, which is why he is single, because life doesn't revolve around him.

Anyways, I was surprised when he sent me a message on the messenger after ignoring my friend's text on Saturday about joining us. He could at least say that he can't come. Whatever. I think I felt comfortable chatting with him last night. It was a friendly talk and I was okay with that. Although I was surprised that he was comfortably joking. It's interesting seeing him letting his guard down which doesn't happen often, but i guess we are making a progress. He feels more comfortable around me.

I was not surprised when he asked my plans for the next day, because I was expecting it to come, but I was surprised when he joked about me being have to report to him about my daily plans. He didn't sound like my control freak ex, I think I found it cute, because he was self-confidently joking. He called himself the supreme boss. Supreme boss with a baby angel sleeping face...

Without having any expectations we'll see what will happen in the next and my last 15 weeks. I hope he knows that he's wasting valuable time having his guard up, being shy, insecure or what ever the heck he is doing.

CJ is doing me a favor...

2010-11-21T13:27:00.000+05:00

When it took almost 5 hours for CJ to text me back yesterday, I thought I was exaggerating the idea that he is ignoring me. However, today I am sure that he is ignoring me. Although accepting this frustrates me, I must thank to him for doing what I couldn't do. This way it will be easier to put distance between us, and it will be easier for me to move on, or at least I hope so.

I don't even know why I fell for this guy. I guess it's because I am still single, but I don't want to be anymore. I can't find any other answers, because he is nothing like I am looking for. Maybe this is the attraction of opposite poles. I don't know...What ever it is, it is over, because he is ignoring me, and I already knew that I had to move on, now it should be easier for me to do that.

I will see someone I like on Thursday. I don't have any hopes, because I don't like to be disappointed, but I hope things go good.At least for once...

Loveliest Mistake

2010-11-21T06:19:00.001+05:00

I wonder how long I can stay away from CJ. If he asks me right now whether I am going out or not, I would invite him without thinking. However, while dealing with so many problems and so many emotions in my life, the last thing I need is to have my hopes high and end up with a broken heart. So, I am trying hard to stay away from him, or at least this is what I am telling to myself.

However, if I can't help myself and if I see him, I'll talk to him. I will tell him that I don't want his friendship, but I believe he has only friendship in the store. So, I will not contact him again, or at least I will try not to. Maybe putting it all out may help. It might change things, or it might end things and so I can move on. This time for good!

Ah...

2010-11-19T12:26:00.000+05:00

It's like two steps forward and one step back...

He knows how to disappoint me and make me sad. I should just accept him as a friend that will hang out and I should move on. There's nothing else to say. I guess T is right. Although CJ is nothing like I am looking for I like him, because he's as if he's flirting then he's taking it back; I'm chasing him that's why I am still attracted to him, but that's not good enough for me. I want a real relationship I can't keep up these games for ever...

A Sweet Torture but Until Where & When?

2010-11-18T11:00:00.001+05:00

I know it sounds so masochistic, but this is how I feel. I cannot forget him and move on.

He was really nice to me today, if only he could be more quick witted. However, he is not, and he makes me think maybe he just wants to stay friends, because he still feels like he is in his comfort zone this way. I don't know.

All I know is that he is exhausting me, and frustrating me with these "what are you up to?", "what are you gonna do tomorrow questions?" If he is not asking me out, he is not knowing what I am doing. This is nobody's freaking business. I am not reporting him on my daily activities as if he is my father!

Why Do People Do That To Me?

2010-11-17T22:14:00.000+05:00

Why?

I was ready to take the action to forget CJ, because he is only interested in me to make his student club more popular. He wants me to go to their events so it will be one more person there, and wants me to invite my friends. That's it. Oh I forgot, he invites me when he doesn't want to drink alone! That's not even caring the other person. However, that night when I was drunk he came, because he is a nice person and he helps people that need help. That's it. That's how I see it.

However, my friend T said, I'll set you up with him when you least expect it, because that's when it works, and I know you like him. Yes, for some reason I like him, although I know that he is not the right person for me. However, by doing that she unfreeze all my emotions. Besides, CJ IMed me few minutes ago. I was happy, but it was just to ask me if I am coming to their club meeting. I want to think maybe it's his excuse to see me, but I don't want to believe that, because I can hurt myself by believing in a lie.

On the other hand, my friends are saying to me that CJ is not contacting them to invite them to the club events, or he doesn't talk to them when they are online on fb. So, it seems like it's just me that he's contacting. Is it his way of approaching me? I want to believe that, but I don't want to have my hopes high. I'll go see him today, but this might be the last time seeing him.

No matter what others say I'll try to stay away from him and move on to protect my heart.

Time To Move On...

2010-11-16T12:26:00.001+05:00

After having a heart-to-heart talk with my best friend T, I realized that CJ is not the guy I want. He is a nice guy, but he's not the "One" that I'm looking for. He is not even close to what I want and I always knew this. I was just not listening to myself.

T is right, he is not even really interested in me. Maybe he found me different, interesting, pretty, but if he had really liked me, he would be doing something to get my heart. More than texting and inviting me out when he's around and has free time.

Thinking of letting him go still hurts me, but this is what I need to do. I will move on one more time. There is no point of hurting myself. I will change the way I act; I will be "just a friend". I will not see him for a while or won't join him when he asks me. I am sure he will realize this soon. He's not a dumb guy after all. He needs to know that I can give up on him easily.

I'll be still looking for the right guy for myself, and I hope to find him soon. I deserve to be in a relationship happily. I just don't believe that there is this right guy for me. It's like missing someone that doesn't exist...

You don't mean nothing at all to me...

Do I Not Deserve To Be Happy?

2010-11-13T15:45:00.001+05:00

Every time I say I'm happy he does something to ruin it...

I watched a movie with friends...I just went there to see him and he was distant, not figure of speech, he was sitting away from me. Then, we invited him to join us after the movie. He said ok first, then said no. Long story short we got our drinks and went to his place. It was okay. We stayed more than three hours and had fun until the last half an hour. His friend told him to go on a double date with him and his girlfriend because it would be fun, and guess what he said "there are no good girls around. He repeated it over and over. Beside, I don't have time for a girlfriend." He made me felt soooooo bad. Then what am I doing here all this time? He was bored and I was entertaining him?!? My friend said it's the alcohol talking. She might be right, and I guess I said something like that in the past, but what I meant "prove me that you are a good guy". I don't know what he was thinking when he said it. He wasn't that drunk!

What hurts me most that he might really meant what he said! :(

Got Happiness Today?

2010-11-12T20:49:00.002+05:00

I didn't sleep more than 5 hours today but I'm perfectly fine, because I feel happy inside. I woke up at 8 and thought about texting CJ to wake him up asking about his hangover. Besides, he said he needs to wake up at 8. Then I said don't do it. You always expect people to think like you and you mess things up by over communicating. So, since I told him that i'm going to wake up at 8:30am I was lying on the bed resting, waiting for the wake up time. Eight minutes after eight I got a text...from him! It was him saying his head hurts. I found it cute. Especially considering that he woke up at 8 (if he did as he said he would, instead of 7:30am as he wakes up normally) texting me after such a short time...was really nice. We texted a little bit. He said he slept like a baby angel. This is exactly how he sleeps after a night drinking. I remember the last time I watched him sleeping...The exact word to describe him is a Baby Angel! So pure and innocent...

I think I really like this guy. I was never sure about my feeling in my life before, but now I think I do like him :) I haven't given up on him considering how frugal he is and how much he complains about everything. If I find those things cute I must really liking the guy, right? :)

Sweet Dreams CJ...

2010-11-12T12:05:00.003+05:00

Ok I just came home. i was with CJ :) he texted me around 6:30 saying

CJ: What are you up to?

Me: Nothing just enjoying an evening w/o classes. what are you doing?

CJ: Nothing. do you wanna do something?

i was like OMG finally this is it.

Me: What do you have in mind?

CJ: idk. beer?

i was disappointed because i thought this is how he sees me, a girl who drinks all the time.

Me: It's too early for me to drink besides i dont wanna see any alcohol for sometime text me if you have plans that doesn't involve drinking.

CJ: We can do something non alcoholic.

Then he called. Of course he didnt have any plans and i was watching my favorite shows. So he said he's going to stop by his friend place, then he'll call so we can chat. Around 10.30 he called and said "i don't know" as usual. I suggested going to a café that is open late at night and asked if he still wants to drink. He said i don't know decide for me. It was kind of weird because you know couples do that. If the guy cant decide, the girl decides for him and he's ok with that most of the time. So, i said you shouldn't drink. He was like you're tight not i'm not going to drink. We went to that café but it was already closed. Normally they close at midnight then he was like you want to go? I said no i'm not going home! We should do something since we are already here. He suggested going to a bar downtown and we ended up going to his place, because he had beer and he's cheap. Anyways, I like the guy so I was not frustrated with him or anything like that. Strangely, I feel at home in his place.

Every time i said i should go he was like finish your beer you are not going anywhere. It was sweet of him to come up with these excuses not to send me. Then I said goodbye and he hugged me and it was a long one. I was like ooookkk this is not how a friend hugs another friend, then he said text me when you are home.

I was 2 seconds late and he called me said he waited for me to text to go to sleep. Awwwww how sweet is that! :D

By the way, in front of the café I saw that bisexual guy I dated. OMG! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Thank God! he didn't talk to me. He was smiling tough and it was weird. I was glad CJ was with me there. xoxo CJ

Look at me, I'm not even mad at you, I'm just like that

I want love, joy, good spirit

It's not your money that will make me happy

I want to die with a hand on my heart