Angry Girl Ranting

Porn for Women!

2012-02-08T21:44:00.000Z

Warning for my family....You may not want to read this.

I’ve got quite a high sex drive when my depression isn’t trying to kill it. Like many very sexually charged people I like my porn. I enjoy it by myself and I enjoy it in the company of my husband.

However it’s very hard to find porn worth looking at if you’re a woman. I think that because of this myth that women aren’t turned on by visuals as much as men (these people have clearly never been around a group of women when an attractive person walks by) the general porn industry has seemed to have left women out of their demographic.

Now even though my preferences lean towards women I am willing to watch straight porn...partly because it focuses on the woman but I gotta say when the screen slips and I actually have to look at the guy it completely ruins it for me, and I’m not talking about his penis (though I could do without that) I’m talking about his face. This is because all the men in straight porn are the ugliest men they could find. Women don’t care about the size of the package as long as looks good if you know what I mean. Ron Jeremy might be famous in porn but he’s also a big reason why your girlfriend won’t watch any with you. The only attractive men in porn are in gay porn and while I find hot guys kissing hot I lose interest once the trousers come off. Also while a lot of the gals I know find gay porn hot not all women do so that doesn’t help much for the straight girls.

What about lesbian porn I hear you cry. Couple of problems with lesbian porn is that most of it is a) lesbians for guys- aimed at appealing to straight men, not lesbian women and b) the girls aren’t really that into it. Look just because two girls are pretty doesn’t mean we automatically like it when they kiss, especially when it’s clear that they’re just into it for a big fat paycheck.

What I want from my lesbian porn are real lesbians who are fucking the way THEY want to fuck. Not pretending to get off in a scripted way that turns straight guys on.

There is some good porn out there but by god is there a lot of crap for women to wade through. So makers of porn hear this: The reason women don’t watch porn is because you don’t make anything that turns them on, not because they dislike orgasms.

Why I talk about Gender and Sexuality

2012-02-07T15:53:00.001Z

Gender and sexuality is something I talk about a lot. Well when I say a lot, more then some people and it's something I look at in regards to myself.

I think it was when I was pregnant with my son I really started to think about it. Mostly I was thinking that I didn't want my child to be forced into a box or a label that they didn't feel comfortable with. I wanted (and still want) my child to be able to be open with me about who they are and know they're going to be accepted and loved by me.

Because of that and my own struggle with my sexual identity gender issues and sexuality issues have been a lot on my mind the last several years. But it's a topic I've always wanted to know more about, when I was a teenager I used to watch a lot of documentaries on gender, the one I remember most clearly was one that pretty much said that you couldn't force someone to be a gender that they weren't happy with. A person born one gender and forced to live as the opposite sex would be unhappy just as someone born with one physical sex forced to live as that sex when they felt they were the opposite sex would be unhappy.

So I've been trying to educate myself on gender issues. I want to be respectful, non marginalizing and to just pay attention to gender and sexuality issues.

I know I'm hardly the poster child on any of this as I'm a white cisgendered person in a hetero normal relationship. I may be queer but I have to admit it doesn't impact my life strongly at this point. The main reason I keep my identity as "queer" and not "straight" or even "bi" is because I know I'm not straight or bi and it makes me unhappy and uncomfortable to pretend I am...and if I say I am then I do have to pretend. Women who fancy dudes like their objectification of men, and it is noticeable if you don't participate. Because of that I know how uncomfortable it is when people insist you fit one label when you don't. People have an issue with me calling myself queer and try to say that I'm bi. I'm not bi-sexual and it makes me upset when people insist I am. This helps my understanding (a bit) of people who don't fit in the easy boxes for gender.

I had a long talk about this with my husband last night, we think that things will improve in understanding of gender and sexuality that doesn't fit the easy boxes. We think we're moving forward to a more understanding planet which is good! However two kinds of people on both sides of the issue are causing problems.

From the cispeople there are people who when faced with someone who is (for instance) trans saying in a calm reasonable way "I feel offended or marginalized by that statement/joke/television show." react by shouting down or responding with "You just don't have a sense of humour!" or "God! You're so uptight!" which does nothing to help understanding.

On the flip side you have people who are (again for instance) trans who when faced with a cisperson who is not being willfully bigoted and are in fact just ignorant of gender issues and makes a comment/joke/television show that is marginalizing or offensive react by screaming "CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE YOU BIGOT!"

That also does nothing to help understanding and will probably make the cisgendered person defensive.

Now that's not to say it's the job of people who are not cisgendered to educate every person they come across or any person they come across. That is not practical or desired and it's exhausting for the individual. We need to educate ourselves, but sometimes we need someone to calmly say "Things are not as black and white as you think" to make us realize that. Of course we also have to be open to that suggestion and then take it on ourselves to learn.

So that's why I talk about gender issues and sexuality, because I'm trying to educate myself so I can educate my child and help aid the development of a world that is more open minded and accepting.

And while it's not anyone's job to educate me I want to thank people like Sam from Roostertails and RJ at Riot Nrrd for providing a place to learn and understand that is also really freaking interesting.

Why I Bitch

2012-01-26T20:26:00.003Z

People who read this blog or have friended me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter may have noticed something. Mainly that I'm not one of those people to "suffer in silence" everyone knows I have Fibromyalgia and Depression and, (especially if they follow me on Twitter) if I have a bad day with either or both you will know about it.

It can come across as whiny and complaining and looking for attention. It's okay, you can say it, I'll sometimes look back and say to the Husband "Wow, I've really whined today." so first off, sorry about that.

But I'm not actually trying to garner sympathy or get attention, though I'll admit I'm bitching. I'm bitching because I'm angry. I am so filled with anger at my health that....I don't even have the words. Every time I wince when I move, or I struggle to get out of bed, or I struggle to get down and play cars with my son my heart is filled with rage so strong that it makes me want to scream.

I have no one to point this anger at, it's not my fault that I'm ill, it's not my parents, it's not because of an accident or someone's negligence. I have this rage that I can't direct and I can't release.

Sometimes this anger is useful, it can feed the stubbornness to find a way to keep going...even if I have to make allowances for that. That anger was what was behind my determination to get treatment for my depression. However, it can also be harmful. Anger is a difficult emotion, as much as it can light a fire in your belly it can also drain you emotionally. It has also pushed me to go past my limits until I collapse.

It's my poor choices, and my inability to let go of this rage for being "broken" it frustrates me that I "don't work properly".

I don't know what to do with this anger at my illness, so I bitch and whinge on Twitter. I mention about hurting on Facebook, and I rant on my blog. It may not be the healthiest way of dealing with my anger but it keeps me from screaming or having it boiling in my head.

So yeah...that's why I bitch.

Sorry about that.

Swearing

2012-01-21T15:07:00.001Z

Motherfucker!

Swearing, cursing, cussing. By whatever name you call it I love it. Expressing yourself with expletitives is fun and can actually work as a mild anesthetic. Obviously it's not always appropriate, but sometimes it fucking well is.

The problem I have is that when I don't watch my language I curse like a sailor who has been kicked in the crotch. The reason that's a problem is I have a toddler and even I think I shouldn't be training him to swear, and I have chronic pain. Sometimes I think I'm fine until I get up to move and I suddenly feel sharp agonizing pain all over. My first instinct is to go "FU-UUCK ME!" but when I'm with my son I can't...and "Fudge" or "Fudge Bunnies" doesn't do the trick for me.

This is why my son just said "Fart Weasels".

Believe me, it could have been worse.

A Poem for Jenny Lawson

2012-01-19T20:12:00.001Z

I wrote a poem in a splash of inspiration today which was born in a post from The Bloggess that featured a picture of a woman on a fraying tightrope above the jaws of an alligator you can see the post here.

Then today a heard a snatch of song while I was thinking about how depression always makes me feel like I'm walking on a tightrope above it when I'm in recovery. Suddenly I thought "No, not walking...I dance on tightropes." And so a poem was born.

So because of where my inspiration came from..this is...

My Poem For the Bloggess (aka The Tightrope Dancer)

She's dancing on tightropes
above alligators.
She's smiling and singing
although her knees quiver.
They call her bizarre
as she dances her dances,
and say that she's putting
herself into danger.
They can't see she relies
on her twistingly capers
to keep her from being
ate up by the gators.
And so her wild frolics
are bounced out of fear.
that the tightrope will snap
and when it does...stand clear.

You can watch me reading it here

Just to be clear (because the end of the poem is ambiguous) I see the "stand clear" to be positive...because she about to mess up those alligators. Oh it will be a bloody battle and she will come out scarred but she will come out of it.

So there you go.

Hope you enjoyed.

Also I was freaking terrified of appearing on camera to read this so I'm proud of myself for doing so...people may not like how I look but that's okay. Because their view doesn't matter, I'm happy with myself.

Leashes and Children

2012-01-17T14:53:00.000Z

Apparently some people feel very strongly about kid leashes. A quick google search brings up topics like "Kids on Leashes: Anyone else disgusted by this?" which shows that some people are very anti-leash. Saying it might harm the child or it's a way to check out of parenting and not being responsible. What was odd for me was one woman saying you should either use a stroller or not take the kids out instead...

Now I am in the pro leash camp. I knew, before my son was born, that I wanted a harness and leash for him. My mom bought him a very cool one which was a toy dog whose tail was a detachable lead with a wrist handle. The reason I knew I wanted him to have a harness and lead was because I had one as a kid and I have very positive memories of that lead.

I had a rainbow colored harness and lead and I fucking well loved that thing. I have a clear memory of it from when I was little, as it's an early memory it's a big vague but I remember running in a field wearing my rainbow harness and being so very happy and loving that I was wearing rainbows.

So yeah, didn't really bother me.

It was also necessary for me, I didn't tend to run off but I was a really dreamy child who wouldn't pay attention to what the big people around me were saying but would either not go along with my family or would wander off quietly. I wasn't unhappy that my harness and lead kept me in place, to me it meant that I always knew where my family was. The time a relative did take me off a lead (not my parents) I got lost at the zoo.

My son is 2 years 8 months old and was walking and running at 11 months. When I worked I used to walk him to the childminders on the way to work and after a couple of months of him learning to walk he would not go in the pushchair. I mean point blank wouldn't. So I'd give him a choice, pushchair or harness and he would always choose the harness. We'd walk down together and we'd chat and I'd point things out and talk about what we could see.

The harness and lead meant that if (and this did happen) he got excited and ran up ahead I could keep him from running off in traffic. I would shout stop and tell him off for trying but I can't run after him. He is much faster then me.

As time went on I started giving him a choice between the harness and holding my hand and, slowly, he wanted to hold hands more. Now he is really good and I don't need the harness most of the time. However if I was taking him someplace really crowded, like say the zoo and his father or grandparents were there I'd take the harness as a precaution. He knows he can't just run off when he's with me unless I say it's okay. He know he has to hold an adults hand near roads and crossing the street and in parking lots.

But he had to learn it, during the time he was learning I'd take the harness with me when he wasn't wearing it and if he ran off he'd get the harness put back on him. I couldn't pick him up and carry him because he's really freaking heavy and I just can't do that...something else he had to learn.

Are kid leashes right in all cases with all kids? No. Are they right for me and my child? Yes.

Oh and the thought you'd have the choice between keeping your kids at home or putting them in a pushchair is naive and narrow minded.

Just my two cents.

Hope

2012-01-06T15:13:00.002Z

Hope gets a bad wrap these days. It's often associated with organized religion and a kind of self delusion that we're all guilty of doing and misguided desire to buy lotto tickets.

Hope, however, is much more than that.

For me hope is the flip side of my cynicism, I may believe the world is going to hell but I have hope that I'm wrong. When I was depressed even though I couldn't see the light at the end of the trouble I hoped it was there and that it wasn't a train. Hope kept me going when I couldn't see anything worth living for, I clung to the hope that it could get better.

I'm making some lifestyle changes now, though not so much because it's January as because I broke my foot in September and I couldn't start some of the changes until the end of December, and it's fucking hard. I had to go for my run today. I'm really slow and really struggling to do any of the running. I'm on step one of this program and what I'm working towards on this step is running for 8 minutes (total) and walking for 12 minutes (total) after a 5 minute warm up, so far I've managed 3 minutes of running with 7 and a half minutes of walking. It's very hard for me to do and I really really didn't want to run today.

So why did I do it? Because I hoped it would be worth it and that I would feel better, and I do!

I think we have a lack of hope in the world. Sure in the 80's we had movies like the Terminator and Mad Max (actually 1979 I know but that's close enough) which portrayed a post apocalyptic world. However, I was a kid in the 80's, born in 1983. I didn't see those movies. I saw things like Back to the Future and watched the Jetsons on TV. Hell even Red Dwarf didn't have a negative view of the future if you weren't Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer or any of the crew of the Red Dwarf ship.

There were happy, positive, HOPEFUL futures. Now when hear about the future it seems to only be post apocalyptic views. Of course that may just because I'm a cynical adult instead of a bright eyed child watching Michael J Fox riding a floating skateboard. But still, it seems to me that we're looking into the future and only seeing despair because we can't see anything better. The world around us seems to be saturated with doomsday and panic. Hell, on Tuesday I caught a tiny piece of the morning news here in England and they were nearly screaming "DON'T GO OUTSIDE! IT'S VERY WINDY! THE WORLD MAY END IN A GIANT UK SIZED TORNADO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" yes it was windy. Yes there was a chance that there might be an accident but the news was just as negative as possible.

Last year I remember watching the morning news one day in January only to have them harp on about it being "The most depressing day of the year."...seriously. It was kind of implied that if you weren't depressed you were an idiot.

But I hold onto my hope, because I think we're better then we believe ourselves to be. I have hope that my life can stay good and happy. I have hope that my son will be proud of me. I have hope that the world doesn't actually suck completely and hope that the terrible wind won't blow the UK off of the planet.

Because hope, even though it can be misplaced, mistaken, false, and delusional it can also be comforting, supportive and it's a light in the darkness.

Remember when I urged people to wear a silver ribbon? To remember that they're not alone? That ribbon is to me a little twist of hope. A shiny piece of awareness that there is a way out, that you can live with and past mental illnesses. That there is hope.

None of us are alone.

2012-01-03T07:26:00.002Z

Last night when I couldn't sleep due to pain in my legs I read a post by Jenny Lawson (the Bloggess) about her struggles with depression. (You can go read it here and you should, and the comments because it is amazing.)

Her post really meant a lot to me for many reasons. It's no secret that last year was really hard for me. I had reached rock bottom and could barely function, I'm in recovery now and struggling to fight remission that's always bubbling below the surface. Like the medicine I take everyday to help regulate my mood I have to do my CBT exercises and make weekly goals and such.

While I was re-learning how to be happy Jenny's blog was a lifeline. It was a reminder that there were people like me out there and they had the same twisted sense of humour. The post she wrote yesterday just really showed me that we're not alone, any of us.

It's easy when you're depressed to feel alone, to feel like no one will understand even if you could explain. To feel like everyone else is coping, that for everyone else it's easy and that you're the only one who finds getting out of bed an almost insurmountable task.

You're not alone, so many people wake up and face that same struggle, but we do so silently. Because we feel alone, because we feel like we're the only ones "failing" when others can manage, because we're ashamed...we stay silent to the world. We don't talk about crying in bed at 6am because being awake hurts so much. We don't talk about how it's like living with a shadow on your shoulder telling you constantly that you can't before you even try, then calling you lazy and a failure for not trying. We don't talk about our spouses having to hide the kitchen knives or the medications because we have poor impulse control.

We don't talk about being terrified of our front doors, of having to face people or the world while at the same time hating the house we're stuck in. We don't talk about feeling sick to our stomach because we have to make a phone call or the knot of terror you feel when the phone rings.

But most importantly we don't talk about how we come through it. We don't talk about how we get past that terror, or how we manage to get out of bed. We don't talk about how we have to keep fighting it because if we let our guard down we'll end up back in that darkness but that that's okay and it is doable. We don't talk about what it takes to stay on the tightrope above that pit.

Because of that we fear in silence, and we struggle alone. We don't have to. Together we can defeat that lying bastard that is depression and we will. So wear a silver ribbon so others can see it and remember that they aren't alone. Wear if someone you love suffers with mental illness. Wear it if you just want people to know they don't have to suffer alone, and they can survive this.

If you feel alone read the comments on that post I linked to above. Also Ruby Wax has made a new website designed to bring people suffering from mental illness together Black Dog Tribe which is a fantastic site.

So remember you're not alone, and together we can fight this bastard.

A Look Back and a Look Forward

2012-01-01T14:13:00.003Z

2011 was, in a lot of ways, a crappy year for me. On the other hand in a lot of ways it was very very good. So as a wrap up on last year (I know it's a bit late but I was busy so nyah!) I'm going to share what I learned in 2011 and what my goals are in 2012.

In 2011 I learned:
- That Depression is a real illness and it doesn't help to go to your doctor and down play your illness. Honesty with your health professional is the only way you're going to get treatment.

- Asking for help is okay. It takes strength of character to admit you need help and accept it. The worst that is going to happen is the people you ask will say "no", the best outcome is you get the help to overcome obstacles.

- If you find a routine that works by Dark Matter you need to stick to it. Throwing it out the window just because it isn't easy at first just means it will never get easy.

- Set goals you can actually obtain and make them SMART goals. That's Specfic, Measurable,Attainable, Realistic and Timely - this is vital to make it a goal you can actually complete. Also I find it's good to aim a little lower then you think you can attain so that you are more likely to over acheive then under.

- How to put on makeup without looking stupid. Seems simple but yeah, it took me this long.

- How to dress for my shape.

- To appreciate that I'm not a hideous monster and it's okay for me to look the way I do as I am still loved and pretty my own way.

- How to have confidence in both myself and my relationships.

- How to listen.

- To be a better spouse by realizing that the the difficult change I went through this year was difficult for my husband too. It may have ultimately been for the better for both of us but it meant we had to re-establish our roles in the relationship which was hard for both of us.

- To be a better mom by realizing I don't have to be perfect. I just have to give my son love and structure so he feels safe.

What I'm hoping to do in 2012:

- Get half way through the Couch Potato to 5k program. I'm giving myself a year to get halfway but I'm hoping I'll get through the whole program. I have to say that my main motivation with this is that my sister did it and I know she had a lot of the same obstacles as I did. It really doesn't give me an excuse to give up and every time I tell myself I can't or it's too hard I remind myself that my sister did it and while it might take me longer, so will I.

- Do more artwork. I'm planning to set aside an hour a week to draw or paint or something creative.

- Write a little everyday. It doesn't have to be on one project but I really want to get structure to my writing. So for instance? This counts.

Will I accomplish all my goals? Probably not, but I think I'll at least complete the exercise one and even if I don't complete the goals I'm sure I'll learn a raft of new things this year. I'm looking forward to the journey.

In Defence of (Some) Princesses

2011-12-29T20:53:00.003Z

WARNING: The Post Below contains Spoilers for Tangled and oddly Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

I’m going to do something I don’t normally do. I’m going to defend Disney Princesses. Now I know that’s not usually my style but I have a two year old so I’ve seen every movie from my Golden Disney Age and some more recent ones approximately 5,000 times in the last couple of months. (Also for the purposes of this discussion any straight to DVD sequels do not matter.)

My Golden Age was the late 80’s and early 90’s, The Little Mermaid was the first movie I remember seeing in the theatre. My dad took me and it was MAGIC. Which why it pains me that The Little Mermaid is most problematic movie of the age. She’s SIXTEEN, SIXFUCKINGTEEN, and she gets married. I know I married the guy I was with at 17 but I will point out I didn’t actually get married at 17, I at least waited until I was 20. Not to mention what a whiny self involved brat she turned out to be. As an adult I find her “I’m sorry Daddy! I didn’t know!” when she signed a legal document and she knew DAMN WELL what she was getting into...and that’s not the point of this blog post.

I’m also going to discount The Lion King, not because the female characters are particularly weak or whiny, but because they aren’t that present. Though it is worth noting that for a retelling of Hamlet with Lions they changed the female characters from kinda slutty and insane to awesome, pissed off and beating the crap out of hyenas. So...there’s that.

So let’s start with my favourite Disney film as a kid, Beauty in the Beast. The female protagonist Belle is bookish and smart and dislikes the handsome bully boy. As a bookish and smart female child who got picked on by the handsome bully boys and bitchy girls I immediately loved Belle. There are a lot of critics saying that the movie teaches a woman to stick with an abusive guy because deep down he’s good. That’s not what I got from this movie. What I saw is that Belle was NOT going to put up with the Beast being an ass to her. After the wolf attack, when she takes him back to the castle, she makes it clear that she is not going to put up with him yelling at her, he HAS to change. Then, because he’s not actually a TOTAL ass, he does change. Which includes never actually harming Belle, he’s all bark and no bite and when he was called on it he STOPPED BARKING.

Immediately he changes, whereas Gaston has the same chances to learn but doesn’t. He keeps trying to control Belle. So I always saw Belle as very strong and that hasn’t changed by re-watching the movie.

Next one is a bit more problematic; Aladdin. Specifically Jasmine, Jasmine is very naive and sheltered for a very good reason. Jasmine is naive and sheltered because of her upbringing (as is believable for the story), and what’s more she knows she is and hates it. Jasmine tries to run away and only gives up on that and reveals her identity in order to save the boy who helped her. Which I’m sorry, but she grew up in a palace needing a bit of help on the streets is believable. She is smart and she learns fast, on top of that she is refusing to go calmly with the restraints she is under and is constantly defiant including when faced with a supremely powerful sorcerer who could kill her in a moment. She also thinks fast and tries to distract Jafar and does a pretty damn good job. Needing to be saved from an hourglass filling with sand isn’t because she’s a “weak” female but because ANYONE would need saving from that. I mean come on!

Now stepping out of my Golden age and going for something more recent I introduce you to Rapunzal in Tangeled. (Spoilers!) Now again she is naive and innocent and sheltered as she was raised in a freaking tower and her only human contact told her how evil the world was in order to keep her a secret. Still she captures a guy, blackmails him into being her guide, realizes she has been duped by her “mother” fights to get away from her and again only gives up that freedom when the man who helped her (eventually out of genuine affection and not blackmail) needs her. He then breaks the spell on her which then kills the “mother” but here is the important bit in my mind. First, she is 18 during the main part of the movie at the end it’s stated that she and the guy get married after “Years and years” which implies she’s at least in her mid twenties when they get married.

That implies that after the magical romance they actually took time to get to know each other and have a relationship instead of just getting hitched as a matter of course. That may be a small thing that most people don’t pick up on but I think that’s a massively important message in a Disney film. As for critics about her marrying the guy she was with at 18....eh as stated before I don’t have a lot of room to talk about that. I’m just glad that she didn’t race into marriage with her guy.*

So is Disney a fierce feminist movement?...Well no. But I don’t think they are the most misogynistic assholes ever either. The reason I’m defending how Disney portrayed Jasmine and Rapunzal specifically is because it’s believable to the story. To take a non Disney example let’s look at the new Sherlock movie (Warning! Spoilers!) In the movie Mrs Watson very calmly holds a gun to a man’s head after he attacked her and Watson on the train and tells Watson to throw the man off the train. As soon as that’s happened she clearly goes into shock but holds it together as long as they are under attack. She is then thrown into a lack to get her out of the way of the action where she is rescued by Mycroft. She then helps with code breaking and such. She does not however kick a lot of ass, because as a proper Victorian lady she wouldn’t have kicked ass. She is, however, quite brave and strong and keeps her head in a crisis like a good Brit. They do have a woman kick ass in the film but as she is a gypsy woman this is incredibly believable for the story.

I want the world to have more strong, kick ass female characters but it’s not going to work in every story; in those stories having women who are brave, calm in a crisis and determined is both true to the story and non sexist.

....This post isn’t making much sense but as I said I’ve been watching Disney movies a LOT recently, between that and Christmas my brain is a bit fried.

Cheerio!

*As for the complaint of Tangled making the female’s eyes too big and mouths too tiny I have to say I didn’t notice until it was pointed out. But then I watch Anime so it looks liked fairly normal animation to me. I do think the animation in Tangled is very similar to Anime and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. So that’s just personal taste.

My Top 10 Celebrities Who Give Me Brainboners 2011

2011-12-09T19:39:00.006Z

First off I better define Brainboner:

Brainboner: The stimulation of ones intellect in such a way as to be reminiscent of arousal. It may or may not coincide with physical arousal.

Now for my list.

1. Stephen Fry

(photo care of The Guardian)
Stephen Fry will always and forever be the first one on this list as long as he's alive. His use of the English language is titillating and magnificent and his sense of humour is delightful, non pretentious and yet wonderfully mentally stimulating. He is someone I admire and am delighted is so accessible online through twitter. He is the Lord God Emperor of Twitter and my hero.

2. David Attenborough

(photo from David Attenborough's site)
His career is incredible and his programs educate, delight and fascinate. He brings so much more then just knowledge, it's the passion for his topics that pull me into the programs and make them more then just pretty pictures. Combine that which is voice which is soothing and calming and beautiful. If I am really stressed and unhappy I put on my dvds of Planet Earth or Blue Planet to see the beautiful images and be calmed by his wonderful speaking voice.

3. Adam Savage

(photo from cool spotters)

One half of the infamous Mythbusters Adam has always been my favorite being a bit crazy, a bit kooky and just a tad more crazy. I love all the Mythbusters but Adam's unique mix of science, ingenuity, and damn ass crazy is gold. I only admire him more in the wake of this accident in Dublin, CA. He, as well as the others, have obviously been very upset by this accident and are genuinely trying to make it all right in a way I very much admire. On top of that he blows shit up which is always going to win me over.

4. Neil Gaiman

picture care of digital journal

His writing is clever, dark, curious and compelling. His presence online is witty, funny, sweet and brilliant. To be honest like the previous 3 I've been a huge fan of Neil's for years and every new project of his is met with squeals of excitement and I know it's going to challenge me. I also admire his musical outing writing songs for the 8in8 project with his wife and his friends. Which leads nicely onto number 5...

5. Amanda Fucking Palmer

(image from last fm)

Her music is challenging, interesting, compelling and yes deep. She herself is fascinating and beautiful in a slightly crazy way. I also love that she is (like her husband) multimedia and her range includes music, theatre, and other performance art. She is a whirlwind of creativity and I am very grateful my sister shared Amanda Palmer's music with me.

6. Wil Wheaton

Picture taken from The Bloggess

He once played the most hated character in Star Trek, he is now the God of Geeks. Besides being an avid gamer and the ultimate fan boy he is a wonderful actor, a fantastic writer and a brilliant blogger. On top of all that he is a witty and engaging celebrity on Twitter and shares not only geeky things but serious political information which clearly well sourced and well informed. Wil Wheaton; I salute you.

7. Hillary Clinton

Picture is her Official Government Photo)

Hillary Clinton is to me a star. She nearly became President, she is now Secretary of State and well in that office she has kept campaign promises that she made while running for President. For example, well running for President she promised to extend to all government employees who are homosexual relationships the same rights as married employees. As Secretary of State she did exactly that for her department. She is a strong woman in a world where that is dismissed as "ball busting" and I admire her greatly.

8. Jenny Lawson AKA The Bloggess

picture from her website The Bloggess

The Bloggess is a weird and wonderful woman with a fantastic sense of humour. Her blog is constantly engaging, wonderfully eccentric and just plain brilliant. She also writes for a few other websites and those columns are as funny and fantastic as her blog. She has a book coming out next year and I cannot wait for it to come out.

9.Simon Pegg

(Photo care of Starpulse)

I've been a fan of Simon Pegg as an actor/writer for ages, but recently having read his autobiography I really enjoyed reading his in depth analysis of Star Wars and I found it very intelligent, well thought out and a basically a great book that pointed at a sharp mind and wicked sense of humour. It raised my estimation of him greatly.

10.Ruby Wax

(photo care of DVDfever)

I admittedly haven't always been her biggest fan but her work on bringing her website Blackdogtribe.com online in January (it's in beta right now) to help other people with mental illness has won my deep respect. Also her ability to laugh at herself and the absurd is a good example. Kudos Ruby, kudos.

Christmas Joy

2011-12-04T20:24:00.003Z

Godless Heathen though I am I absolutely love the Christmas Season.

I love the carols, the lights, the presents, the baked goods, the whole spirit of goodwill to man that the holiday represents. It is by far and away my favorite holiday and nothing will stop me enjoying it.

Especially not the damn killjoys that abound at this time of year. Oh I've heard every argument about why Christmas sucks and is this horrible commerical enterprise and I reject them all. In fact the only argument that I have any sympathy for is the people who have birthdays on or very near Christmas. As a December baby myself I too have endured the presents that "count for both" the fact that nobody can come to YOUR birthday parties and frankly your birthday getting forgotten in the excitement of the season. It's just for me I loved Christmas so much I was able to endure that just a little bit easier then most December babies, that and my parents did their best to make sure my birthday was celebrated separately. Christmas decorations didn't go up in my house until after my birthday. They also very rarely gave me any present that "counted for both" and the presents that did were really bigs ones.

However, I am still a huge fan of Christmas despite all the dectractors and I think it's because to me its still magic. I may be Santa Claus now and filling the stockings rather then hanging them but combination of cold weather and warm homes filled with family and colored lights and brightly wrapped presents...that's just magic to me. It never fails to make me smile. I'm really looking forward to making cookies and pies and decorations over the next several weeks and I would urge all of you to see the joy in the season.

Some people complain about the costs but I maintain on celebrating Christmas within cost. I can't afford to buy presents so I'll be doing a lot of baking this year, but that just makes me happier as I can make things with my own hands to give to the people around me. That's just fantastic to me.

So Happy Christmas and hopefully you'll all be able to see the joy in it this year.

Happy Holidays - Yeah I said it

2011-11-25T21:27:00.002Z

Every December I am assaulted by people who are outraged because people these days are daring to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". Some even go so far to imply the government is banning "Merry Christmas" in favour of "Happy Holidays".

First off this is bullshit. The government cannot ban an innocent phrase in the western world, the most they can do is ask that their employees use "Happy Holidays" while at WORK. They have no control over what people say in their own time.

My other problem is every DAMN year people bring this up as if it's a new phrase and a new issue. I remember distinctly hearing "Happy Holidays" while growing up. When I was little I assumed it meant Christmas and New Year, it was only when I was older I realised that first not everyone was Christian, and that secondly they have holidays in December.

Now when I realised there were other religions and cultures with different holidays in December my first reaction was "Fantasic! There is this simple phrase which is all inclusive!" I seriously don't get why people get their knickers in a twist about this. No one is stopping you from saying what you want but surely a alternate phrase for those of us who DO want to be inclusive is okay as well?

Look, I'm not Christian (I'm an atheist) but I celebrate the secular holiday that is Christmas. I am aware that this is a religious holiday for many but I think that the secular and the religious sides of it are easily separated. I respect people view Christmas as the birth of their Saviour and hope they enjoy themselves at their celebrations. I am not religious BUT I enjoy shiny things and and presents and I'm not giving that up for nothing and no one!

I have friends who a Jewish, and I have had friends who were Muslim, I like being able to wish them a happy holidays. Also sometimes you see a friends before Christmas and you know you probably won't see them again til New Year what is so damn wrong with saying "Happy Holidays".

It's like community's blaming Muslim's for the lack of Christmas lights. However when interviewed most Muslims said the equivalent of "They're pretty, we don't mind them. They cheer things up.". I actually saw that on a news report a couple of years ago. When councils don't put up lights it's about money, not religion.

Basically stop worrying about what people around you are doing. Celebrate your own way and enjoy yourself and don't stress instead of foaming at the mouth over petty shit.

Calm the fuck down!

Good Men

2011-11-11T13:45:00.000Z

Today, for the first time I tried to explain to my son what today was about. I told him that today we wear poppies to remember the people that have worked to keep us safe.

I told him that his Great Grandad, who he was named after, was one of those men. That he was a hero. That he, my son, is named after a hero.

He's two. I don't except him to understand any of that, but I tried and he listened. He really did listen and he smiled and repeated words back and then gave me a hug. I know he won't understand or remember this, but we'll talk about it next year and the year after.

I have to say that I'm a pacifist in that I don't like conflict and I certainly think some of the wars in recent years were not right (though if you look at the history of those areas it almost seems inevitable as well.) or justified...others were but handled badly. But even has someone who hates war (who doesn't?) I understand how World War II was necessary and I am proud of my Grandfather for serving, and I am proud of him for the years he was a lawyer and the years he was a Judge and more importantly because he was a good man.

When I named my son after my Grandfather it wasn't in he hopes he'd be a lawyer or a Judge as well, it was because I hoped my son would grow to be a good man.

But my Grandfather isn't the only man in my family I think of on this day. He may never have seen combat as he served in the cold war but I also think about my Dad. He served in the Military Police and did serve his country. If he had been called upon to fight he would have and he would have served his country well. When he finished with the military he came home and continued to serve his country first as a police officer and then as a probation officer. He also is a good man, and again I hope to raise my son to be a good man like my father.

I am lucky in that all the men in my life were a great example and a great role model to me as I was growing up. They weren't perfect but they were good and kind and caring and I think gave me high standards. I was even luckier to find a partner who meets those high standards and who is also a good man.

The men I have had in my life have been men who do the right thing. I can only hope to raise my son to be like them. Whatever he does in life, wherever he goes, I only hope that he will be a good man.

To all the other men and women who have served in the military and still are serving two things. 1.Thank you for your service. 2. I may hate the war, but I feel no hate towards the soldier.

Poem to a Cold

2011-11-07T21:41:00.002Z

Coughing and gasping
Sneezing and snorting
Headaches and cool clothes
Green tea and honey

Bedclothes and tissues
Juices and menthol
Aching and sleeping
Pouting and pity

Things are looking up

2011-10-30T18:30:00.000Z

This weekend I wen with Simon to Bristol to see his sister and friends. I was nervous about this as I struggle with being social...but it was easy. It was fun and a laugh and just good.

There were times when my fibro flared up but I was careful and took breaks when I needed to. I was calm and collected for most of the weekend, not even mini disasters rattled me. Halfway to Bristol I realised I'd let my jeans and shirts at the house and all I had packed was underwear. They were hanging up ready to go so we were organised, just forgetful. The kicker? We'd gone back to the house for my medication and still forgot my clothing.

When I realised we'd made an error I laughed, and not hysterically, genuine laughter at the silliness. Saturday we went out and got me some jumpers and it was fine.

I'm not even having come down anxiety as I go "Oh I shouldn't have done that or said this." I did have a moment when we got home where the DVD player acted up and I started to blame myself for being stupid but I stopped and said "No, the DVD player is just being difficult, it's nothing to do with me." and I'm fine.

I am taking a break tomorrow as I am quite fatigued and a bit in pain from fibro, but I tired to be careful this weekend do I'm not in too bad a state.

So things are going well here.

I'll leave you with a poem I wrote before the trip about myself.

Stained Glass
She's broken.
Shattered in a thousand pieces.
A crumble of colour and shards.
A pile of edges and knives.

She heals.
She gathers the pieces together,
and creates as best she can.
A picture from the fragments.

She is whole.
She is a stained glass window.
Broken and yet held together.
Made beautiful by her breaking.

Another Doctor Who Rant: Eleven is the Best

2011-10-26T10:00:00.000+01:00

I was introduced to Doctor Who back when it was first revived. I wasn’t that bothered to watch the first episode “Rose” but my husband wanted to watch and we were newly married so I wanted to be a good wife. I brought my knitting and sat down to watch it with my husband, fully expecting to be bored and not care. So imagine my surprise that within moments I was hooked, my knitting stayed next to me forgotten and I was blown away.

I loved the first season, Christopher Eccleston was my first doctor and Rose was my first companion so they both had a special place in my heart. Some episodes disappointed me but mostly I was thrilled and blown away and so excited to watch it every week. Then at the end of that first season the doctor regenerated and David Tennant took over as the Doctor. I was not familiar with any of Tennant’s work but he was a fan so I thought he would be good.

A lot of fans loved Tennant as the Doctor and thought he was brilliant.

I thought he was crap.

Oh don’t get me wrong he’s not a bad actor, but I just never believed in him as the Doctor and I think he was let down by some really poor stories. When it was good during David Tennant’s reign it was very good, but when it was bad it was horrific. The specials that made up the last year of Tennant’s Doctor (with the expectation of the Mars episode) were shit. I was so relieved when the Doctor regenerated and with him, a new slant to the series under Steven Moffat as opposed to Russell T. Davis.

Since the take over a lot of people have complained about Steven Moffat and Matt Smith and I really don’t understand why. Even though I have been a Doctor Who fan for a good while and while I have a special place in my heart for Eccleston’s Doctor and for Rose as a companion (and also Donna) by far my favourite Doctor and Companions have been Matt Smith’s with Amy and Rory.

The stories have been engaging and delightful and just consistently good. The worst of Matt Smith’s stories have been 1000 times better than the average Tennant story. I cannot express how nice it is to have a season end with a big emotional impact WITHOUT losing a Doctor or a Companion. Also I love that there is a companion who loves the Doctor without being in love with him and also? Married couple in the Tardis is for the win!

Don’t even get me started with River Song, while I wasn’t that thrilled with her first appearance with Tennant (the one Steven Moffat episode ever that I felt ambivalent about), I did love the character and to see that character grow and change has been magic. Not to mention how fantastic the relationship between her and the Doctor is, it is freaking brilliant.

Some people have complained that it is too complex for non diehard fans to keep track of. I say that’s bullshit, what it is is non-patronising to kids. Kids get it, kids like, because it is AWESOME.

People also suggest that it’s not as popular because “the ratings are lower” they’re not. What is different are peoples viewing habits. We don’t, as a culture, watch television when it’s aired much anymore. What we do tend to watch while it’s aired is talent shows like the X-factor which are live programming and involve voting, all other shows we tend to watch at our leisure through things like Sky plus or BBC Iplayer. Once those ratings have been taking into account the overall audience for Doctor Who has increased, and why the hell not? It’s one of the best things on television now and days and partly that’s because of Steven Moffat and partly because Matt Smith can carry age like he really is 900 years old.

So all you twisted bitter people, or those who preferred Tennant because he was “Hot” shut the fuck up.

The Eleventh Doctor and his companions are brilliant and I love them. So there.

Confidence hat

2011-10-24T18:19:00.004+01:00

I was feeling low today. I've been in a lot of pain for the last 4 days or so and the weather has been gloomy and all in all I've felt kinda crap.

Now one of my blogging heroes The Bloggess has mentioned owning "confidence wigs".

Well I don't have any wigs.

So I made myself a Confidence Hat.

In fact it made me so confident I took a picture of myself wearing it while wearing a sleeveless top that showed off my fat arms. And I don't care. I LIKE this picture of me sans makeup and with fat arms.

So here it is, me in my Confidence Hat.

Because who ever heard of an un-confident Dragon?

Jesus is a dirty commie

2011-10-23T10:00:00.000+01:00

It occurred to me that a lot of the Right Wing in America are against universal health care, disability and any institution that cares for the sick, the elderly, the young and the vulnerable. Some of the loudest pro-claimers of this point also happen to be very wealthy. They are also proclaim to be very Christian and are very against religious diversity.

Now I'm not Christian but I have read the bible and from what I gathered that's not at all what Jesus stood for. As I recall he healed the sick, stood up for the hated, and got angry at the rich and the bankers. In fact if Jesus was alive today I'm sure he would be all for universal health care, disability and anything that ensured all people were healthy and cared for and safe.

I'm also quite sure that a large portion of the right wing would decry him as a "commie".

You have to laugh or else you'd cry.

Why I Blog

2011-10-20T10:00:00.000+01:00

I am very aware of my limitations and I know I'll never be a "Big Name" in blogging like Allie from Hyperbole and a Half or The Bloggess. I know that and I'm okay with it, because that's not why I write.

I write because I have to. When I was younger I wrote stories, as I lost my confidence in myself I lost those stories, but I still needed to write. Then I had the worst case of writers block I ever experienced, I couldn't write for quite literally years.

It was hell.

But I suddenly felt the need to tell a difficult story from my life and I started blogging on here in earnest. Suddenly posts came often, I had something to say and a way to say it. Around the same time I found I could write poetry again, bad poetry, but that didn't matter. In fact the fact it was drivel was part of why it was fun to write.

Blogging has let me write again, let me express myself through words on a new medium. When the poetry goes again I find its there and well it's the most public of my writing it's the most freeing. I am not scared by blogging, it doesn't intimidate me and in fact I rejoice in it. I have three blogs now not because I think one of them will make me any money, but because I have three different me's to express. I have my silly blog for my silly stories that make me laugh and my serious one about my pain and fatigue and depression and this one....for everything else.

I'm glad when people read my posts, and when someone mentions they've read them in real life I blush and say thank you. But if no one read my posts I'm not upset because it's mostly a cathartic sharing, and it seems like a victory over my social anxiety which keeps me from submitting possibly publish worthy stuff to actual publishers and which keeps me from writing fiction because I fear people will hate it if they write it.

For some reason that doesn't bother me with blogging, when I finish a blog post and publish it I do so with joy, or relief, or with a feeling of release.

I blog.

Because I have to.

I object!...wait...What?

2011-10-17T12:15:00.003+01:00

Occasionally I'll be watching television and someone will say something like "No one should marry the person they're going out with when they're 17! That's a horrible life choice that they'll regret!" and I'm all "Yeah! That's way to youn....wait a minute..."

Because I keep forgetting that I married the person the I was dating when I was 17. I mean it was easily the best decision of my life and I'm really glad I married my husband. I mean we're kind of disgustingly in love really, and I could get all smoochy and starry eyed about my husband and marriage but don't worry I'll spare you all that.

The point I'm trying to make is I forget that I actually married really young. I was 20 when I got married. Twenty. I couldn't drink at my own wedding. I was seriously young, but the thing is when you're twenty you don't feel like you're young. Most of my friends who are married are older than me, many are just getting married and/or in serious relationships now. I've got a child as well as a husband! I'm 27 for the love of physics!

Now again I'll state that I'm happy with this. I'm glad I married my husband and feel like our relationship is a rock in my life and I adore my son and being a Mum. Most of the time I don't realize that I'm at least 2 years younger then all my other married/mum friends. I was ready to get married so the age I got married doesn't really bother me...I'm mostly posting this because I'm somewhat bewildered I didn't notice how young I was before.

However it is annoying when I'm watching a t.v. show and I want to criticize some dumb teenager for committing themselves before they know anything of life and I realize I CAN'T because that would make me a massive hypocrite.

Damnit. I suppose this means I can't be unfairly judgmental against people I don't know...that is like SO UNFAIR!

A Procrastination Poem

2011-10-16T18:41:00.002+01:00

I really should be writing
of politics and stuff.
Of serious life-changing
policies: not fluff.

But I'm struggling to notice
the world beyond my walls.
And frankly could not give a shit,
the world can suck my balls.

Not that I have balls
of this you really should know.
It's just I'd rather watch
another satire show.

So I'm writing crappy poetry.
When I should really watch the news.
But then I'd rather not,
it'd just give me the blues.

I'm writing this off the cuff,
so it doesn't really rhyme.
And I guess it could be clearer
if I was doing mime.

I'm really just avoiding
the important world events,
But then it's hard to blog it,
when it doesn't make much sense.

So the world moves on importantly
bracing for the storms.
While I write on twitter
about rainbow unicorns.

Stand

2011-10-12T15:09:00.001+01:00

Stand
Elizabeth Turner

Stand and face your terror.
Stand and face your fears.
Stand on legs that tremble.
Stand and preserver.

Speak your mind to enemies.
Speak your mind to friends.
Speak though teeth that chatter.
Speak past a tongue of lead.

Dance on feet that falter.
Dance with legs that shake.
Dance with a mind that panics.
Dance with a heart that aches.

_______________________________________________

This poem to me represents Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Doing what you need to, even if it's hard and scary.

(the above is copyright Elizabeth Turner do not use or reproduce without permission)

Posted with you in mind.

Ode to Insomnia (copyright Beth Turner)

2011-10-06T03:57:00.001+01:00

Oh insomnia!

My night time nemesis;
stealer of REMs,
caffeine's pimp,
to you I'm condemned.

Each night I prepare
to slumber and dream,
an evening ritual
of soaps and face cream.

Weary with exhaustion,
I lay myself to bed
only to discover
my sweet slumber has fled.

Twisting and turning,
no comfort is found.
But my family is sleeping
I must not make a sound.

So I read or I knit,
Play games, write poetry.
anything to break up
this hopeless monotony.

The clock ticks on
as minutes become hours
and sleep still remains
just out of my powers.

Soon it is morning,
the world comes alive.
But I see the rising sun
from the very wrong side.

I hate you insomnia,
for stealing my days,
Because as the sun rises,
Downward my head lays.

Little Moment of Win

2011-09-27T16:03:00.002+01:00

The local Parish Council sent us information about changes and development for the parish. They included feedback forms which included asking for name, gender, sexual orientation and faith, you know...the usual.

So I was quite pleased to discover that rural England Parish council included the following choices:

Gender - Male, Female or Transgender

Sexual Orientation - Bisexual, Gay, Heterosexual, Lesbian, Other, Rather Not Say.

Faith - Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Sikh, No Religion, Other, Rather Not Say

Disability - Do you consider yourself to have a limiting long term illness or condition yes, no?

(With the follow up)

How would you describe your illness or condition - hearing, learning, mental health, mobility, seeing, other.

...FACEBOOK doesn't have all these options...and I know that Gender is more then 3 options but hey! I'm surprised there we're 3 options available and really glad about it. Progress and progress and it just makes me happy that a few more people are not invisible in my local area...including me!

It made me feel that there was a place to for me to give feedback and like I was actually included in this discussion of how the local area develops. That's happy making.