Angry Papillon

The Snowpocalypse

2012-01-20T13:48:00.000-08:00

Day 1:

It's snowing. I hate snow. Some dogs seem to enjoy chasing snowflakes, I am not enough of a simpleton to be entertained by such mindless activities. It covers up all the interesting smells, it makes it hard to go potty, it sticks to fur and then slowly melts and makes you wet for hours. But worst of all THE COLD HURTS MY DELICATE LITTLE FEETIES! The humans tried to get me to wear booties, which might have been a good idea except: NO ONE TOUCHES MY PAWS. They won't try again. Miserable stuff, snow.

Day 2:

It stopped for now, but it's colder and not melting. I watched for several hours as the humans apparently tried to make statutes of themselves out of snow. Somehow their creations looked even more ridiculous than the originals. What a waste of time and energy. Humans are morons. I decided to do something useful and punish the stupid yellow thing.

Day 3:

It's snowing again. I am growing concerned because I have noticed that the humans haven't gone past the front yard since the snow started. If it lasts much longer I fear we could run out of chicken. I am forced to make a decision that fills me with, not guilt... revulsion I guess: If necessary I will eat the humans to survive. I HATE SNOW.

Day 4:

The Snowpocalypse is finally coming to an end. It's getting warmer and the snow is beginning to melt. This nightmare continued for far too long. I feel I only survived due to my incredible strength and fortitude. No doubt many lesser animals perished in the icy wastes.

Unfortunately the snow is being replaced with wind and driving rain. Which reminds me: I HATE RAIN ALMOST AS MUCH AS SNOW. Stupid weather. Man, I really need some chicken.

The Yellow Thing

2011-12-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

I hate the yellow thing. I could pretend this was part of some SLAPT training exercise, and honestly I would love to see this level of ferocity in my recruits, but this is about me wanting to hurt the stupid yellow thing. I'm not really sure why but my hatred for it burns with the flames of a thousand suns and so I must hunt it and punish it.

The Time Has Come

2011-11-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

These are dark times indeed. Various foul beasts openly roam the streets. The humans stumble about, drooling on themselves, oblivious to the danger. And these buffoons are the primary source of chicken! I can no longer sit idly by and allow the situation to worsen.

I have attempted in the past to create a dog army, but have failed because most of my canine brethren are weak-minded fools who can't, or won't, follow orders. Recent events have given me a new idea for the creation of my army. I have been contacted by two brave papillons who have pledged their allegiance to me. While an army of dogs may have failed an army of papillons will be unstoppable!

Okay, so their fighting style is a little weak. I am confident with my brilliant training methods that I can mold them into dangerous combat machines. And then there is the issue of their names, Snuggle Bum and Honey Bun. I mean I know it's not like Chloe strikes fear into your heart when you hear it, but then you see me and realize I am one to be reckoned with. I'm not sure they have that same presence. But I think I have a solution to this problem, upon induction into my army I shall assign new recruits code names. For these two I'm thinking Death Bringer and Tony.

And so I shall create the Size: Large Army of Papillon Terror or SLAPT. My minions will soon sweep across the planet, gathering all of the chicken and destroying any that dare oppose us!

Be warned world, you are about to get SLAPT.

El Gato Terribles

2011-11-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

My humans found me a really good bone and I've been spending all my free time chewing it. I'd apologize for the lack of posts, but I really don't care. My brilliance is a gift, be thankful for what you get.

That said recent events have jolted me from my bone chewing haze. I have long heard rumors of sinister creatures of the night called "Cats." Most other dogs I have spoken to view them with a mixture of hatred and fear. Some, however, claim they are keepers of dark secrets on how to manipulate and control humans. Strangely I have never encountered them personally and in the past I have even considered seeking them out to see to determine what they truly are. That has changed.

I first saw one of the foul beasts while on a walk:

And then shortly thereafter one appeared on the fence that surrounds my back yard:

I know not why they have suddenly appeared but I instantly realized that these "Cats" are dangerous and terrible beasts and I was foolish to have thought I might be able to learn from them. Their teeth and claws are brutal weapons, sharpened to a razor edge. They are able to climb and jump with a level of skill that before I have only seen in much smaller creatures. Though I have a spotted them during the day, they seem to mostly come at night, mostly. I can only imagine what nefarious activities they are hiding in the dark.

The Pigeon

2011-09-03T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have obtained information that may indicate the humans are better prepared to deal with the Deer Threat than I thought at first. While the source of the information in unreliable at best, he didn't seem to have any reason to lie...

Birds are dumb, frustrating to talk to, and distractingly tasty. They are, however, gifted with the ability to speak many languages and, of course, fly. This at least gives them the potential to be a useful source of information. When I happened to run across a local pigeon I resisted the urge to eat him and instead tried to see if I could learn anything about the Dear Menace.

"Hey, pigeon!"
"Hey, dog! You gonna chase me?"
"Depends. You know anything about deer?"
"What's to know? You got any bread crumbs? I loves me some bread crumbs. OH! YEAH!"
"Uhh, no, sorry. There seems to be a lot of deer around lately, and they have those spiky things pasted to their heads, make me nervous."
"I REALLY WANT SOME BREAD CRUMBS! I'm jonesing bad, man. Deer don't fly, so I'm not worried. But you don't have to either. Do you know where I might find some bread crumbs?"
"No. If you help me out I might be able to get you a little kibble. But I need to know why I don't have to worry about deer."
"Pshh, dog food tastes like dog food! Booya! Yeah, BOY!"
"Umm, okay."
"Ya know, dog, I like you. You're pretty cool for a dog. Not barking an' trying to eat me and stuff. That's pretty chill, for a dog. You don't gotta worry about the the deer because when the weather gets cool the humans bust out their thunder sticks and BANG! BANG! DEER STEW, BOY! Boom shakalaka! Happens every year. And the deer that escape go hide in the deep forest. You sure about the bread crumbs?"
"Uhh, yeah, Thanks, I think."
"LISTEN! You see any breadcrumbs, you remember I hooked you up with the legit info. Later, D O G!"

Obviously he's crazy and I can't trust him, but it gives me some hope. I will remain vigilant.

Barbarians at the Gate

2011-08-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I heard noises in the front yard and went to investigate. One of the dreaded deer was there, brazenly eating the grass. IN MY YARD! I needed to alert the humans, if they saw this maybe they would finally understand the gravity of the deer situation. Unfortunately the humans have the bad habit of either ignoring me or, for some strange reason, yelling at me when I bark in the middle of night. I knew I had to be extra loud and frantic to get their attention. It took a minute and left me rather hoarse but finally one came to investigate. He opened the curtain, took a look around, and then did the most inexplicable thing I could imagine: He patted me on the head and said, "It's just a deer. Go back to sleep."

Just a deer!?! There are giant creatures with sharpened spikes strapped to their heads invading our neighborhood and I'm not supposed to be concerned? I know humans are a little slow, but really? They don't see the problem!?! Since it appears I'm the only one who can see what's going on I must be prepared for the neighborhood to fall into the clutches of the evil deer. My first choice is to fight, but the time may come I when need to flee and regroup. In preparation I have begun construction of an escape tunnel under the backyard fence. I hope I don't need it, but I fear I will.

The Threat Grows

2011-08-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

The deer situation continues to grow increasingly troublesome. Although they haven't undertaken any overtly hostile actions, they seem to be stepping up their surveillance efforts. The local fields have dried up as the summer has progressed and the deer are using the brown grass for cover to conduct their spy missions.

Such primitive techniques are of course not enough to fool someone with my acute sense of smell, unfortunately the deception may work on the other, simpler, inhabitants of my neighborhood. While I have been unable to fully ascertain their intentions, it seems obvious that they are trying to covertly gather information. As they continue to move deeper and more boldly into the neighborhood, I can only assume their intentions are sinister. Worse yet, I fear they may have an ally.

I have never given much thought to the local rabbit population, except as a possible snack food. Recently, however, I have noticed a substantial increase in their numbers. Like the deer, they seem to be trying to quietly monitor things, barely moving as I pass, foolishly hoping I won't notice them.

I have repeatedly tried to convince the humans to let me capture and interrogate them, but the stubborn fools, blissfully unaware of the potential danger, always drag me away. I do not know for certain that they are connected to the deer, but it seems odd that the increase in their numbers and movement has coincided so closely with the deer influx. I desperately need more information. I MUST find a way to get it.

Crazy Joe

2011-08-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

A couple houses down from me lives a dog named Prince or Pasha, or something, I forget. Doesn't matter because I call him Crazy Joe. You see he's crazy, I mean like really bonkers, and Crazy Prince just sounds stupid. I've never actually seen him, he doesn't ever seem to come out from behind his fence, but I found a drawing of what I think he looks like.

Generally I ignore him, but since he's within easy barking distance I decided to see if he knew anything about the possible Deer Invasion. I didn't imagine he would be the most reliable source of information but I needed to see if I could get anything useful from him. Unfortunately it went even worse than I expected. This was our conversation:

"Hey Joe, you there?
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU MY NAME IS PRINCE?!?!"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry." See how crazy he is? "So, Joe, have you noticed all these deer things hanging around? I'm a li..."
"MY NAME IS PRINCE. P R I N C E. Prince. If you can't call me by my right name I'm not talking to you."
"Jeez, Joe, no nee.."
"If I ever get out I'm going to hurt you."

And then he wouldn't talk anymore. Crazy and unreasonable. This is what I have to work with.

The Deer

2011-08-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

I have finally learned the name of the strange creatures invading my neighborhood as I heard the humans refer to them as "Deer." This name does not seem to convey an appropriate level of dread and danger for such a frightening creature. I believe an innocuous name might be part of their plan to lull the less intelligent members of the community into a false sense of security.

Their activity grows increasingly troublesome. Rarely do I go for a walk without seeing at least one of them and they seem to be venturing increasingly farther from what I assume is their base of operations in the nearby forest. Alarmingly my continued attempts to gather intelligence on their true motivations have failed miserably. I fear that they have noticed my efforts and have begun monitoring my movements as I got the distinct impression they were watching me on this morning's walk.

I am not on particularly good terms with the other dogs in the neighborhood, partly because they are idiots and partly because they refuse to elect me as Supreme Chancellor. Regardless, I may need to reach out to them for I feel the situation is growing increasingly dire and I must take some sort of action before it is too late.

They See Me Rollin' They Hatin'

2011-07-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

The Squirrel

2011-07-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to capture a squirrel to interrogate about the strange new creatures in my neighborhood. I quickly discovered that while squirrels are very loud and stupid, they compensate for this by being quick and excellent climbers. My initial attempts were unsuccessful. Squirrels seem to be constantly chattering, so are easy to locate, but I had difficulty finding one far enough away from a tree that I could catch it before it climbed to safety.

However on my last walk I saw further evidence that the strange creatures are growing in numbers, I counted no less than five! This being the the case I redoubled my efforts to capture a squirrel. At first I continued to be thwarted by their speed, but finally my luck changed and the squirrels stupidity came into play. Instead of disappearing up a tree, it climbed a stump and I was able to cut off it's escape.

While I couldn't quite reach it, there was nowhere for it to go. I waited for a bit while it fidgeted and angrily chattered at me. When it eventually calmed down and simply sat there staring I prepared to make my offer of safe passage in exchange for information. It was at this point I realized the fatal flaw in my plan: I DON'T SPEAK SQUIRREL. And of course squirrels are far too mentally challenged to even begin to comprehend dog. Sometimes you don't see the forest for the trees... And my intelligence gathering operation is back to the drawing board.

Invasion?

2011-07-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Disturbing encounter on my walk this morning. I have seen these creatures before, but only from a distance. I thought they might be some sort of horribly ugly dog, but after getting a closer look and a smell, I realize they are most definitely not dogs.

They are considerably larger than I estimated from my previous viewings, and even more troubling, they didn't seem particularly afraid of me. Most of the forest creatures show proper respect and give me a wide berth, but not these strange animals. Although they weren't aggressive this time, I fear their continued presence in my neighborhood may be a precursor to some sort of attack or invasion. Their impressive size, crazed look and head weapons gives even me pause for thought.

I need more information. The local squirrels seem to travel significant distances and have good vantage points from the trees. I believe they may be a good source of information. I shall attempt to capture and interrogate one.

The Human Walk

2011-07-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

I have often heard the humans mention a place called "The Store." I have noticed that more often than not when humans say they are going to go to "The Store" when they come back they have chicken. I have also noticed that I am never taken along. Since "The Store" is apparently some sort of giant chicken repository, this is a serious issue.

Humans, being discriminatory morons, often have stupid no dogs allowed rules. The sheer idiocy of such regulations boggles my mind, however this might be why I'm not allowed to go to "The Store." After some contemplation it occurred to me that if I am able to imitate a small human, perhaps I will be allowed to go. The upside to the humans stupidity is that they should be relatively easy to fool. Because they are about as perceptive as rocks I believe that if I can imitate their silly and awkward way of walking that will be enough to disguise myself.

Standing on two feet isn't especially difficult, but I am having difficulty with the walking. It's somewhat miraculous that something as dense as a human is able to move around like this. I am sure given time I will be able to master it.

The Door

2011-06-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

To get to the backyard at my house I go through what the humans call "doggie doors" or what I call "properly designed doors." The backyard has a fence around it, so except for the occasional bird flying in nothing much interesting happens. The front yard, having no fence, is a veritable hive of continuous activity, filled with numerous things to chase, bark at and otherwise harass. It, however, is protected by a "stupidly designed door" that I am unable to operate. Wildly barking at stuff through the window can be entertaining, and I spend much of my day doing just that, but it's just not the same as being out there laying the smack down in person.

Since the humans have shown no inclination to fix the "stupid door", or let me out it without my leash on for that matter, I have taken to carefully studying it's operation. I believe I understand how it functions and have no trouble reaching the part that makes it open:

Thus far I have had no success in manipulating it correctly with my mouth or paws. I will continue trying of course, but the humans seem to fear me gaining the ability to operate the door and usually try to stop me after a couple of attempts. Perhaps I can practice more at night...

Food

2011-06-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

I don't like kibble. Yeah it's nutritionally sound and honestly packs a lot of energy into a small package. I imagine if I ever get around to raising a dog army to overthrow the stupid human oppressors I will fuel it with kibble. But it's so boring and tastes so meh...

This is me when I only ate kibble:

Sure the vet claimed I was healthy, but I certainly wasn't the beautiful and perfect animal you see today. What changed? I found that sweet, sweet, nectar of life: Chicken. I love it in all it's forms, jerky, boiled, barbequed, fried and I'd probably like it raw if the humans weren't such pansies about it. I just finished a piece and it was really good. It's left me feeling surprisingly charitable and I'd like to do a little something for all the other dogs, so here's a little message for all of you canine oppressors out there:

MORON HUMANS, HEAR ME, YOUR DOGS WANT CHICKEN! GIVE IT TO THEM OR ANSWER TO ME...

In the Beginning

2011-06-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

People ask why I'm so angry. Normally I bite them for talking to me. But sometimes my jaw gets tired, so I've decided to try and answer. There's probably more than one reason, but I always remember the first time I got really angry.

When I was a puppy I lived with my Mom, brother, sister and a bunch of other stupids dogs. We all had to share toys and they all smelled like other dogs and were dirty and covered in drool. I hated that. Then one day my humans came and took me to my new house. I missed my Mom, but I got my own toys and my own bed and best of all my own ball.

It was a good ball, it had that great new ball smell and wasn't covered in someone else's drool. The squeaker worked and it was loud. I loved my ball.

Eventually my stupid brother came to visit and he tried to take my ball. I beat the crap out of him.

The humans told us not to fight and took my ball. They said I could have it back later, but it was MY ball and he started it. It wasn't fair and I was MAD. I barked and growled and raced around. The funny things was, I liked being angry. I liked the way it made me feel.

That's why I started being angry I think. But the fact everyone who's not me is a moron keeps it going. Oh does it ever...

Everything is Stupid

2011-06-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

This was in my front yard this morning:

It looks delicious. Or at the very least fun to chase. But will my stupid humans open the door so I can go after it? No, of course not. Because humans are stupid. Now I have doors that I can operate to get into the backyard. But does anything tasty ever find it's way into the backyard? No, of course not. Why? BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS STUPID!

Why?

2011-06-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

Why is it that you can have twenty chew things, toys and balls strewn across the room, but the one you REALLY want is stuck underneath the stupid, uncooperative, senseless, heavy, annoying, spiteful, imbecilic, moronic and impossible to move piece of furniture?

The Chicken Face

2011-05-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

Humans are morons. For me this is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand they are unpredictable and annoying, acting and reacting in ways that make no sense. On the other hand their limited mental faculties make them fairly easy to manipulate. My favorite manipulation method is what I refer to as the chicken face. It's a cute, but slightly sad, expression that I discovered would often get me fed treats, hence the name. But I quickly learned that with subtle adjustments to the cute/sad levels it could be used for many purposes. Humans having a conniption fit because I used a shoe as a chew toy? Chicken face. Need a back rub? Chicken face. Want to go on a walk? Chicken face next to door. Is it a perfect solution to their mental deficiencies? Of course not, but given what I have to work with I think it's an acceptable solution.

Recycling

2011-05-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

I like to do my part to help the environment. I am confident in my ability to survive an apocalyptic wasteland, but I fear weaker animals, like humans and more importantly chickens, might die off. Without tasty chicken to munch on and humans to bring it to me, well let's just say I don't like to think about it. One way I have decided to contribute is to break down newspaper so it's quicker and easier to process it at the recycling plant. I think it's a brilliant way to help, but it seems to annoy my stupid environment hating humans. This has led to some conflict, but I will not back down from my ideals. And if they don't stop interfering they will pay with their fingers...

The Red Dot

2011-05-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

The mystery of the red dot has long frustrated and perplexed me. What is it? It seemingly can't be killed, injured or even captured and yet whenever it makes an appearance I am compelled to try. I have spent countless hours chasing, biting, pawing at it, all to no avail. I have tried to ignore it, but it always draws me in with a hypnotic spell that I am unable to resist. I fear it may be part of some evil plot to distract or exhaust me...

Escape!

2011-05-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

My captivity at the hands of the evil stuffed contamination is finally over. My brilliant and daring escape went far better than I could have ever imagined. After using my superior intellect to trick one of the feeble minded guards into opening my cell I overpowered it and made my way into the stuffed animals' base. I was able to take out two more guards before an alarm was sounded and that was when fortune truly smiled on me. The Bear, the stuffed animals' behemoth of a leader, came after me itself. As it was thundering towards me the moron tripped over it's own colossal feet and I gained the advantage.

The Bear is defeated. The rest of the stuffed animals are hiding in terror. I will hunt them. There will be no one to stop me this time.

Captured!

2011-05-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

The stuffed fools have gone too far. The Bear and its nefarious henchmen launched a diabolical surprise attack which resulted in my capture.

My lone ally among the stuffed animals has managed to smuggle some chicken to me and get this message out. I am under heavy surveillance and I fear if J.J. continues to try to aid me the other stuffed animals will discover that I have an operative in their midst. I must escape soon.

I have tried to get a message to my hired muscle, Spaceflow or was it Downlow? Blast, I can never remember his stupid name. Unfortunately he has taken my orders to attack all stuffed animals on sight very seriously and J.J. has been unable to speak with him. It does not help that they are both morons. I need better lackeys. It's a good thing they can't read...

So it appears that I am on my own. Mark my words however: I WILL FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY. Originally I had planned to spare a few of the stuffed contagion to keep as slaves, now I will not rest until I have pulled every last piece of stuffing out of each and every one of them.

The Lawn

2011-05-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

When I was a puppy I was rolling around in the grass when I got a dead slug stuck in my fur. This led directly to a bath. I have never forgiven the lawn for concealing the slug from me. I thought using it as my personal toilet might be punishment enough, but that didn't seem to have much effect, so I decided further action was warranted. I will not rest until it is destroyed once and for all. The fact that it keeps trying to choke me only strengthens my resolve.

Faces

2011-04-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

I make a crazy face.

I make a muddy face.

Then I chew your face.