…but was not prepared for the burning eye of fame.

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In a bizarre coincidence, Marmite tastes exactly like Lurian mustard.

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My Twitter buddies know that Marc and I went to a Watchmen screening yesterday. Most of the people there were in the TV industry, not necessarily fans (a few people even, gasp, walked out in the middle!), and I noticed that we were nearly the only ones laughing at “inappropriate” things, like the way Rorschach handles incarceration. Although you don’t need to have read the comic to understand the movie, I highly recommend picking up a copy if you haven’t already. Certain scenes that would have dragged otherwise were more easily digested, since I saw them in the context of the Watchmen universe and knew why those moments were important.

Be forewarned: this is a long movie, but when you see how faithful director Zack Snyder was to the source material, you too will marvel that he was able to get it all in under 3 hours. (You might even forgive him for 300.) Sure, there are lots of minor detail changes, but will you really miss Nite Owl’s snow-Segways in the Antarctic scenes? If so, perhaps you should just re-read the comic.

The largest change is to the ending. No, they didn’t happy it up for Hollywood. The essential concept remains (mostly) the same, but there’s nary a squid to be found.

[Excuse me while I get in my flame-proof suit.]

OK, now I’ll say it. I prefer the ending of the movie to Alan Moore’s original. Extraterrestrial squids might be acceptable in comic form, but they would have been absolutely ridiculous in this movie. The removal of the architeuthis ex machina allowed for a finale that bound the characters and plot together more effectively than the original, which always seemed like a huge non-sequitur-WTF? moment to me.

[In case you've forgotten from our old vlogs, please direct hate mail to badwolf@badwolf.badwolf, and I'll get back to you as soon as I receive it.]

No Angry Puppy post is complete without bullet points, so let’s start with the characters, move to some pre-emptive complaint-smashing and round it out with some miscellany and gay stuff.

Characters:

• Jackie Earle Haley has come a long way since The Planet of the Apes TV series with this non-hyperbolically amazing portrayal of Rorschach. It’s not the kind of role you get an Oscar for, but it should be, so if for nothing else, go to see the impossible Rorschach brought to life. There’s an untranslatable Czech word, lítost, which Milan Kundera describes as a “state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.” Thanks to Haley’s performance, I’ll be calling that state “rorschach” in lieu of a proper English word.
• I was originally a little annoyed that Nite Owl wasn’t being portrayed by an older, flabbier actor (or Jamie Bamber in a fat suit), since that’s such an important aspect of the second Nite Owl in the 80s. However, Patrick Wilson perfectly captured the nostalgia-infused regret that directed the character’s actions in the comic. Incidentally, I’ve also come to realize that Wilson was what passes for flabby in Hollywood (the same way that a beautiful girl can be made “ugly” if you put some glasses on her) and that he actually put on 25 pounds for the later scenes. Don’t get me wrong: I personally found him very attractive, but then, I still have normal-people eyes.
• Malin Akerman’s Silk Spectre, quite frankly, kicked ass. I don’t remember her being such an active player in the comic, but I welcomed her more direct involvement in, well, everything. In this post-Buffy world, I’m not satisfied if the main heroine doesn’t break at least one opponent’s bone, and Silk Spectre fulfills this prerequisite in abundance.
• This isn’t going to be a complete lovefest (see Ozymandias), but I also loved Billy Crudup’s Doctor Manhattan. He was aloof and distracted, but there was still that spark of humanity that Crudup was able to express with his voice, even under his suit of blue LEDs and a layer of CGI. (And, yes, he’s completely nude most of the time. More on that below.)
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s Comedian was downright despicable. It would have been easy to make him a caricature of himself, but Morgan didn’t take that route. The Comedian’s, ahem, issues were more misogynistic and cruel than most, but there was a certain sparkle in Morgan’s eye in several scenes which made you almost understand how anyone could ever forgive such an awful person. Almost.
• Matthew Goode’s Ozymandias was the only one of the main cast who didn’t sit well with me. Was it the odd German accent? Was his physique too wrong for the character? Or was it just the floppy, 80s hair? I’ll need to give that some thought, but I can say it’s a blessing that they changed old Ozzie’s costume. I would probably have giggled at his original getup, and he’s not supposed to be funny.

Pre-emptive responses to probable whining:

• Sexism: Back when the first photos were released, there were a few complaints that all the male characters were in actual outfits (Doctor Manhattan had still not been seen), while Silk Spectre was in a tight spandex negligee. Let me state for the record that we saw as much of Nite Owl’s body as Silk Spectre’s, and Doctor Manhattan was displayed in his naked, blue glory several times. I was surprised at the amount of tittering in the audience every time his penis made an appearance. Haven’t you people ever seen a grown demi-god naked?
• Gore: Yes, it’s there. Yes, it’s magnificent. I can already imagine the parents who’ll be up in arms after they let their children watch this R-rated film that they shouldn’t be watching in the first place, but the gore isn’t senseless. Self-referenced, silly costumes aside, Watchmen presents us with a grittier comic world than many of us are used to, and, let’s face it, if you hit someone very hard with all your strength, there will be blood (and bones and bile and possibly black stuff on the ceiling).
• Pace: Certain scenes, including the opening credits, move very slowly, though there’s usually a good reason. So, eat and visit the restroom beforehand, sit back, watch, enjoy. You already know it’s a long movie, so I don’t want to hear any complaints. Honestly, I didn’t see many places to edit down that wouldn’t have adversely affected the tone or meaning. Which brings us to:
• Fight Scenes: They were artfully choreographed and foleyed (Can I make up a word? Thanks!), but there are a lot of them, and they’re long. The one-panel fight of Silk Spectre’s and Nite Owl’s in the prison is turned into a 5-10 minute dance of broken bones. That particular fight was fun to watch, but by the final one, I was getting a little tired of it.

Gay stuff:

I don’t want to spoil the fun, but in addition to the note that MTV pointed out when they linked to my post on Ozymandias from last year, there are some other gay moments:

• Watch for a new interpretation of Alfred Eisenstaedt’s photo “The Kiss at Times Square”.
• Hooded Justice’s most important scene in the comic remains, and The Comedian refers to his sexuality in an oblique way.
• Watch the opening credits carefully. The gay bashing crime scene that’s shown is portrayed as part of what’s wrong with the world, not as a just retribution for Silhouette’s “lifestyle”. So, that’s a good thing, right?

Miscellaneous:

• Nite Owl didn’t misspell “pharaohs”, though the guy behind me thought he did. Hardy har!
• The soundtrack was fun. There’s Leonard Cohen (”Hallelujah” at just the right moment), Simon & Garfunkel and even some Nena (it is the 80s) to round it out. Battlestar Galactica fans will notice that Cylon song that Anders wrote. They had some other guy playing it, though.
• You could sometimes hear the squeaking of the latex outfits. The ridiculous costumes are a sort of inside joke to the “masked vigilantes,” so I thought this was a nice touch.
• I was afraid that there would be something after the credits to hint at Watchmen II: Revenge of Bubastis, but thankfully, they resisted.

Go see it now so that we can talk about it openly, spoilers and all, in the comments.

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• CampBlood.org: “Friday the 13th”: Jason goes to hell”
• FinalGirl.blogspot.com: “Friday the 13th review: Jason and the Jerks”

I like to contribute to the general discourse (i.e., make internet noise), so here are my thoughts on the future of the franchise in the form of a movie poster:

Have you seen it, and what did you think?

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Even Cute with Chris recognizes the power of Kodos, though they called him “Kodo”. He’s plotting his revenge for that now, then his bloody takeover.

What the hell. In honor of Kodos’ first non-AP appearance, I’ll bring back Website of the Week: Cute with Chris.

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(Are you still there?)

The audio is 100%, totally NSFW (not safe for work). It’s not my fault, though: the source audio is pretty foul. Luckily for me, Christian Bale rants at exactly 125 beats per minute, and the song practically wrote itself.

(YouTube version)

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On YouTube

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against Christmas à la Phoebe Cates.

(Though don’t ask me about Bastille Day. I still can’t talk about it.)

Oh, before I forget: Happy Life Day! Type in “Life Day” into Wikipedia, and it re-directs you to the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Some of you know that I’m not a huge fan of Star Wars [ducks], so I never saw the Holiday Special until a couple of years ago when Marc pulled out a VHS copy from deep within the closet we cleaned in one of our last episodes. For some reason, we still had a VCR at the time, so I ended up watching a decades-old recording of one of the most unfortunately real things that shouldn’t be a real thing.

The highlight for me is this clip of my personal favorite Bea Arthur as a surly, singing barkeep:

Tell me, people, what’s your favorite Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/Yule/Solstice-themed movie? Mine is the classic Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Note to parents: I was far too young to be watching that.

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Although I’m obsessed with Netflix streaming from my Watch Instantly queue to the Xbox, I’m disappointed that they don’t have a lot of werewolf options. I was forced to watch The Food of the Gods Last Night instead. [A+ for effort!]

Since I had the time, I also made a video with the latest version of “The Beast Within”. It now has a tagline:

Be it lycanthropy; addiction; PMS; mental instability or infection, this is for those whose lives are periodically wrecked by their own particular beast within.

[YouTube version]

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So, I went to Marc’s Forbidden Black Heart Closet for supplies (shhhh…). Surprisingly, he didn’t have any origami paper lying around, so I cut up a fancy envelope. OK, I had to cut up two fancy envelopes. I had trouble cutting a square. Seriously.

It started out alright, but I gave up at around step 6 because I was getting more of a frog kind of thing than a Millennium Falcon.  Kodos enjoyed destroying it, by the way, and next time, I’ll get a video.

I totally blame myself, but have any of you had better luck with these instructions?

Incidentally, our friend Christine is a very crafty person and made us a set of these nifty Star Wars pot holders.

Last year she made me a little Star Wars zipper pouch that I still use for a mandolin kit bag. Thanks, Christine!

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