Angry Seafood

Michael Jackson is Dead

2009-06-26T21:17:37Z

Well it looks like Michael Jackson won’t be down for breakfast after suffering a life-ending heart attack Thursday.

As of Friday afternoon there was no official statement from NAMBLA, shocking many of its members.

No comments from Macaulay Culkin either but Target has announced they are having a tribute sale in honor of the King of Pop…Boys pants half off.

Angry Seafood’s field reporters were on the scene to help fill in the news gap of information.

Steve Todd, our music expert had an interesting observation about the untimely death of the weirdest guy in music:

“Wow. It took Michael Jackson’s death to get MTV to actually play videos again.”

Jeff Bell, our photographer found someone who didn’t realize the King of Pop was no longer a threat to their kids:

Experts across the media speculated on how many more heart attacks it would take to reunite the Jackson Five. Most said four. CNN and MSNBC blamed Bush.

One media report focused on how like Elvis, Michael Jackson was a king who died young. The article failed to mention that Elvis died on the throne, something the King of Pop never achieved.

In a related note, watch maker Timex canceled plans for their Micheal Jackson watch, which included a feature that denoted bedtime with the big hand being on the little hand.

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[Find funny and interesting blogs at Humor-Blogs.com and Blog-Storm.com]

Things That Are Not Very Awesome At All

2009-06-18T03:46:16Z

In life there are many things that are not very awesome at all. These are some of them…

A skunk sprays right outside the window with the fan…

Buying gas and realizing you are only getting 9/10ths of a gallon…

Anyone who talks to you in the checkout line of a grocery store…

Psoriasis…

Newly-formed beehives right outside your apartment’s door…

Your child draws on her own leg with a pen and it does not resemble God or Jesus…

Being tickled…

Locking your keys in your running car…

Do you have something you think is not very awesome at all? Suggest your un-awesome moment in the comments.

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[Humor-blogs.com and Blog-storm.com are pretty awesome blog directories. Go there to find funny and interesting blogs about awesomeness.]

Dr Phil versus World of Warcraft

2009-06-23T23:43:40Z

On a recent episode of Dr. Phil, a man was confronted about his addiction to World of Warcraft, otherwise known as liquid crack. Angry Seafood has acquired the transcript through very unscrupulous means. We bought it for $6 using money stolen from an old blind lady I saw in the park the other day.

I’m kidding she really wasn’t blind.

Dr Phil: Welcome Bob and Sue. Bob, your wife here tells me you play World of Warcraft for 80 hours a week.

Bob: Hold on there Phil. I stop for a few minutes to eat.

Sue: Yeah, frigging Hot Pockets.

Bob: Whatever. My son plays with me as well so it’s good for our relationship.

Sue: YOUR son also demanded his breakfast the other day then called me a “dirty whore”!

Bob: Horde, honey, horde. For the millionth time the Horde are one of the alliances.

Phil: Okay folks, let’s settle down. So Bob you have a what, level 70, I guess player in Wow?

Bob: Yes, it is the highest you can go.

Phil: And what do you do in Wow?

Bob: We go on raids, kill raid bosses, stuff like that.

(The audiences’ eyes collectively glaze over)

The game is like life Phil. You always want something better. Get a better house, a better job, a better wife, better kids.

Sue: You could do all that trading-up with me in real life…with your family.

Phil: I think I’m seeing the problem here. Sue, you are too fat to play with your kids and your husband resents you for it.

Sue: What? Dr. Phil, I’m not overweight. And what the hell does that have to do with this?

Bob: Honey, listen to him, he’s a doctor.

Phil: In fact, I’ve got a gurney, a medical team, and an ambulance waiting backstage to rush you to the hospital…

Sue: (Standing up) What the hell are you talking about? Bob is BLEEP! ing addicted to a video game. He quit his job and he plays 80 BLEEP! ing hours a week! He’s an addict.

Bob: Now honey, don’t get upset. Phil might be right.

Sue: Bob I want a divorce!

Phil: Here comes the nurse now to give you a sedative Sue.

(Nurse comes on stage and sticks a needle in Sue’s arm)

Phil: Nighty-night Sue.

(The nurse and an intern drag Sue offstage)

Sue: Come…back…here…you…rabbit…

Phil: Bob, I know that was difficult, but remember it’s for her own good. Are you going to be alright?

Bob: I think I will. There’s a big raid tonight in Wow so…

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about World of Warcraft. Not really though. Blog-Storm.com does not either.]

Budweiser Box Proves Eighty Percent Rule

2009-05-26T04:04:39Z

A few months ago I talked about the Eighty Percent Rule:

“…everything is made to almost work. A company makes a product to 80% then leaves it up to the consumer to finish the other 20%.”

Either way it is up to the consumer to adjust. Take this case of Budweiser for instance:

The ripped areas are along the perforated lines that form the opening to get a beer, as you can see below.

Notice that the hole does not line up with the beer cans. Let’s try and get one of the low cans…

Nope. Okay now let’s try one of the other cans above…

No way to get any cans out at all…unless we add our own 20% to complete the box’s dispensing ability…

Your honor I rest my case.

What products have you found met the “80% Rule”?

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[No blogs on Humor-Blogs.com nor Blog-Storm.com were harmed in this post.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger California Landmark Fire Sale

2009-05-21T07:35:03Z

Hello!

This is Ahhhnnold and I’ve got some great deals for you today here at Crazy Ahhhhnnoold’s Landmark Fire Sale!

The state’s budget has been terminated and everything must go!

Every California icon 10-50% off! Famous landmarks are priced to sell immediately!

Here is our first item up for sale, the famous Hollywood sign.

Yours for the unbelievably low price of $19.99. This is not a total recall folks, it is the real thing!

You want bridges? We have crazy bridges here at Crazy Ahhhhnnnnoold’s! How about the Golden Gate?

We will even ship it to you and if you act now we’ll throw in a new paint job, any color. Yours today for $39.95. That is how crazy I am.

Don’t like bridges? How about your own jail?

You can own Alcatraz for the crazy price of $35.99. Be your very own birdman or play kindergarten cop.

[A siren wails and lights flash]

Aaaaiiiiigggggghhhhh!!!!

That sound can only mean one thing…Crazy Ahhhhhhnnnnooold’s Landmark Fire Sale Crazy Deal time!

Today’s Crazy Deal will have you saying “Now we are having fun!“…The Mission Beach Roller Coaster and Knotts Berry Farm…only $29.99!

I like to call this the twins package because it reminds me of Danny DeVito. At one point during the filming of Twins people couldn’t tell us apart. I screamed “I’m AHHHHHNOOOLLDD!” but they thought I was Danny.

We laughed like little girls.

And remember Crazy Ahhhhnnnnnooolllddd’s Landmark Fire Sale’s prices are the guaranteed lowest. If one of our competitors offers the same thing for a lower price, bring me the ad and I will pummel them!

What are you waiting for? Come on do it! Order now!

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about stuff like berries and knots. Blog-Storm.com has blogs about cheese. Weird.]

Top Ten GM Chrysler New Car Model Names

2009-05-21T02:51:49Z

Did you hear Obama mandated new higher fuel standards? Or that the government is about to own both GM and Chrysler? This can only lead to one thing: a return to the days of the crappy cars…

We used to call that car The “You-Don’t-Go”.

As you can see, the last thing the Government Made or Chryst-We’re-Screwed Motor companies want to do is sell a crappy car and give it a just-as-crappy name.

With that in mind Angry Seafood has come up with our Top Ten New Car Model Names for the next generation of “green” automobiles:

1. GMC Fail

2. Chrysler Sloth

3. Buick LeSetback

4. Chevy Low Voltage

5. Dodge CFL

6. Cadillac Hinder

7. Chevy Lowball

8. Plymouth Non-Reliant

9. Buick Stall

10. Chevy Chevette II

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[If you like funny blogs make sure you visit Humor-Blogs.com. And if you like interesting blogs head on over to Blog-storm.com]

Financial Humor Tip 22: How to Get Free Soda

2009-05-20T08:06:21Z

Is your economic situation lacking humor? Are your finances no laughing matter? Have no fear because Angry Seafood is here to help with a financial tip for these tough times.

Financial Tip Number 22: How to Get Free Soda

Are you on the road a lot but can’t afford to buy something to drink at the convenience stores?

There are hundred of thousands of fast food outlets and chances are not only do you eat at one, but you pass them every day. Most of them also have a soda dispenser in the dining area.

So next time you eat at one of these places save your plastic drink cup and also ask for a receipt. Save that too.

Next time you are thirsty, stop off at your local fast food joint and fill that cup up with your favorite soda.

I recommend saving cups from multiple chains. More soda opportunities that way.

If anyone asks what you are doing, hold up the receipt and tell them you ate at the location a few towns over a few hours ago.

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[Do you like funny blogs? Interesting blogs? Me neither.]

My First Facebook Quiz Creation

2009-05-20T07:54:56Z

What Stupid Facebook Quiz Are You?

Ten questions that determine which dumb Facebook quiz you are. It is scientifically based, by the way if you have concerns about the accuracy.

Go take it and find your place in the world of ridiculous quizzes.

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[Humor-blogs.com and Blog-Storm.com love Facebook quizzes. Go there to read blog posts that have nothing to do with them.]

RIP Dom Deluise

2009-05-09T02:31:08Z

“Dom always made everyone feel better when he was around. I never heard him say an unkind word about anyone. I will miss him very much,”

~Burt Reynolds

The world lost another great comic actor this week. Dom Deluise died in his sleep Monday night. He was 75.

In the early part of his career Dom was a variety show staple. This is one of his classic bits with Dean Martin:

He was always good when paired with Burt Reynolds, especially during the blooper reel of Cannonball Run:

I think his best character role was Don Giovanni in Robin Hood: Men in Tights:

You were an inspiration to my sense of humor growing up and like Harvey Korman’s passing nearly a year ago, the world is a little less funnier now.

Godspeed Captain Chaos…

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Like Angry Seafood, Humor-Blogs.com and Blog-Storm.com also mourns the passing of a comedy legend. Go there to commiserate with other funny blogs.

My Guest Post Over at VEs Blog

2009-05-20T08:01:12Z

Myself and four other very funny bloggers played impostor and here is my entry, “Purple is the New Black”:

“Like orange or yellow, purple is the color of the left-overs at a WalMart clothing sale.

Or was…”

Continue reading Purple is the New Black…

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Pictures are Worth 310 Words

2009-04-28T05:11:05Z

I have about a thousand pictures on my hard drive and I’d like to share every one of them with you now.

Don’t click away I was just kidding. I only have five hundred.

This reminds me of a family I waited on the other day: a mother, father, and their one-year-old baby. They did nothing but take pictures of the kid. When they were not taking stills they were shooting video.

The parental paparazzi took a break thankfully when the entrees hit the table but it was a short respite. Later on, we had to all go out and sing happy birthday to a one-year-old with the digital camera and video rolling.

Their Facebook page must be a lot of fun to read…

Crazy parent updated her status…”baby looked at me and smiled”

Crazy parent updated her status…”baby looked at me and threw up.”

Unlike parents who record every waking moment of their child’s existence I’ll try not to bore you with my pictures.

Do you realize how long it took me to pee into all those Dixie cups?

Go ahead. Try and keep this image out of your head while using a public stall.

Those are not chills running down your spine, just the venom working its way through the bloodstream into the central nervous system.

Real men don’t use penis enlargement pumps or pills. They pull automobiles with their junk instead.

Rape the fromage? That is one scary cheese grater.

Just a hunch but I am guessing she is not sitting home alone on Saturday nights. And not the kind of woman you throw out of bed for eating crackers I might add.

The camera person was smart enough to stay back during this shoot. Good thing because the whale later ate the diver.

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[Humor-Blogs.com does not have creepy spiders, just funny blog posts.]

Comparing Messiahs: Jesus Christ and Barack Obama

2009-04-28T04:57:33Z

Since it is Easter Sunday and the moonbats profess Barack Obama to be the Messiah I thought it would be fitting to compare him with Jesus Christ, the old-school Messiah.

Jesus might not have actually existed and was not in charge of America

Obama unfortunately does exist and does run our country. The existing part everyone is okay with, well except the racists and white supremacy people of course but that is to be expected. It is the running the country part that most people have a problem with.

Jesus actually got stuff done on the cheap

Jesus performed miracles, took on the authority of both the Romans and the Jews, without apologizing I might add, and helped every person on the planet be forgiven for their sins on a daily basis if they so choose. At no time did he introduce any legislation to increase taxes or funnel money from the private to the public sector.

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention anyone bitching about Jesus’ tax structure or the dues for the Christian club being too high by the way. This is telling.

Jesus was anti-business

Sure, tipping over the vendors’ tables in the temple seemed like a religious thing but it sure sounds anti-capitalism to me.

If Barack Obama existed back then he would have done the same thing but with an additional caveat: government take-over of the vendors.

Jesus had a better nationalized health care system

Jesus never asked a leper if they had health insurance or a co-pay before curing them. Did this generosity on his part raise taxes? Nope. He found a way to heal the sick without driving costs through the roof.

I hope this helps clear up any misconceptions about a politician being a Messiah.

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[Obama Messiah picture is from Newsbusters.]

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about Jesus and Obama.]

When Cougars Attack

2009-04-27T23:16:49Z

This is a good one from the news in Massachusetts:

“The mayor of Agawam has filed a complaint against her boyfriend’s estranged wife who she claims attacked her outside the ladies room of a Springfield restaurant.”

It all started when the mayor, Susan Dawson, 44 and the boyfriend, Mark Benoit, 55 stopped off at Max’s Tavern, a well-known Cougar hangout for a nightcap.

Mark’s estranged wife, Celeste Benoit, 61 was there and confronted them:

“A police report from Wednesday’s incident states that Celeste Benoit spotted Dawson and Mark Benoit at the restaurant, and screamed: “What are you doing with my husband of 26 years, you whore?”

Dawson, in turn, called her “a skank,” the report states.”

Oh it’s on! Cougar style!

“All I heard was: ‘Susan!’ And I felt two fists in my hair, throwing my head back and forth, ripping an earring out of my ears and hair out of my head,” Dawson said, recalling a scene that unfolded at one of the city’s trendiest and busiest night spots.

It gets better.

“According to police records, Celeste Benoit proceeded to choke a busboy at Max’s who tried to intervene, then fled in a red car with another woman behind the wheel.”

Take down a fellow cougar and choke out a busboy in the process? Celeste should be in a Mastercard commercial because that was priceless.

Remember folks, despite the demeanor, a Cougar is still a wild older woman and will attack if unprovoked, especially when fighting for dominance.

Take heed.

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about cougars.]

RIP The Nemesing One

2009-05-09T02:32:30Z

I wish I was joking but unfortunately I am not.

I found out the other day that The Nemesing One, the funny-as-hell blogger of I’m Sure I Don’t Know was killed by a drunk driver a few weeks ago.

Too often in life, good people are taken from us far too soon.

The Nemesing One was one of those people, not just because he cheered readers up with some of the most out-there funny blog posts.

He was one of those people that showed his love for his family and friends, as well as his passion for writing messed-up blogs. You truly felt those things in his posts.

I had the pleasure and good fortune of interviewing him for my “Bloggers Speak” feature a few months back. Unfortunately his blog has already been taken down so the interview is the only thing left online that he wrote.

Part One

Part Two

He will be sorely missed, not only for his work online but for the caring husband, father, and person that he was.

RIP The Nemesing One. Godspeed.

In a tribute to TNO, I leave you with the question he asked the readers in his interview:

I just plucked a ¾ inch long gray eyelash from my eyelid, is it gross to go around showing it to my co-workers?

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Shamwow? You mean ShamPow!

2009-04-27T21:34:42Z

So the ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi, got into a bit of an altercation with a hooker recently:

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Matching hospital smocks too. How cute.

Despite the legal issues, I think this is a great opportunity for some new advertising spots.

Hi it’s Vince with ShamWow and you’ll be saying ShamWow! every time you use this towel to clean up your illicit activities.

Let’s say you are in a hotel room with a thousand dollar hooker and she bites your tongue and won’t let go. There’s gonna be a lot of blood right? No problem. With the Shamwow…look at this…soaks the blood right up.

That’s not all folks. The ShamWow can be flushed down the toilet and won’t clog the plumbing. Perfect for destroying the evidence of a crime scene. Comes with a ten-year warranty. Here’s how to order…

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[Humor-Blogs.com does not condone funny blogs about punching prostitutes unless they steal your money. Neither does Blogerella.com.]

What You Dont Want To Know about Tyra Banks

2009-03-13T18:29:16Z

Recently, Yahoo blogged on what you don’t know about Tyra Banks. Besides the fact it took two people to collaborate on the list of what you could care less about knowing, they missed a few important things.

Tyra Banks picks her nose

When on breaks from her reality show, “The Digger” can be seen two-knuckles deep in an effort to get at one of those way-in-the-back boogers.

People close to her like to joke that if you ever want to break Tyra’s fingers just punch her in the nose.

Tyra Banks used to be Howard Finklestein

Howard a.k.a. Tyra hailed from the town of Dearborn, Michigan and was a claims adjuster for an insurance agency until the day he decided to be a she. One sex change operation later, an international supermodel was born.

Tyra Banks is very sensitive about her unclipped toenails

One of the reasons why she is rarely photographed wearing open-toed shoes is, again due to a lack of grooming. Her pedicurist once made a joking comment that Tyra’s toenails were so long she could climb trees with them and was fired on the spot.

Tyra Banks no longer shaves her private areas

Because Tyra Banks is so busy with her three reality shows and emotional outbursts, she rarely has time for grooming her cha-cha. As a result it looks like she has Chewbacca in a leglock.

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If you like funny blogs about Tyra Banks then be sure to visit Humor-Blogs.com.

If you like interesting blogs about celebrities then make sure to visit Blogerella.com.

A Tie Symbolizes The Obama Administration

2009-03-06T19:25:12Z

What’s short, silver, and makes a serious subject look silly?

On Thursday the Obama Administration opened up the summit on Health Care with a press conference on C-Span. Melody Barnes, the director of Domestic Policy began with a short speech about a bunch of people recommending everything but competition as a solution to rising costs.

Obama however failed to tell one of the speakers, Travis Ulerick (pictured on the left) that he was going to be on television.

Nice tie.

This is a man, by the way who was introduced as someone ready to “tell us what was discussed at this summit and what they believe should happen.”

Health care reform suggestions we should take seriously from a man who’s dressed for the high school dance? He isn’t even wearing a sport coat which at least would have covered up the little-kid tie’s lack of length.

It was bad enough Tim Geithner and Charles Rangel chirped about “tax fairness” the other day but now we have to take health care advice from someone who still wears a clip-on?

I would also like to point out that at the beginning of the press conference Melody knocked something off the podium and Obama picked it up for her.

So we have a klutzy director of whatever it is she does and a guy who looks like he is interviewing for a busboy position at Applebee’s helping to formulate health care policy you and I will pay for.

Is it 2013 yet?

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You can find more funny blogs at Humor-Blogs.com and interesting blogs at Blogerella.com.

Angry Seafood Officially On Hiatus

2009-02-19T21:21:45Z

As of today this blog is on an official hiatus.

There are many reasons for this but mostly because I really need a writing break for a few weeks.

Finances are also an issue as I need to use some of my blogging time for more work time. But hey these days who isn’t having money problems right?

The good news is there are over 334 archived posts on this blog to check out. I am guessing you probably have not read everything. If you have then thank you.

So take care everyone and I’ll see you in a few weeks or so.

~Chris C.

P.S. Try not to mess the place up too much while I’m gone. And no wild parties either.

Humor Blog Roundup Goes to The Movies

2009-02-17T20:22:44Z

Do you like blog posts about movies?

No?

What do you mean no? Smokey…

That’s more like it. Let’s get on with the Roundup.

If you haven’t guessed this edition has a Hollywood theme. Here are what people are writing about in the humor blogsphere on the topic of movies…

The Best Bad Movies Ever

from: I’m Sure I Don’t Know

“I have the nasty habit of forgetting that just because I liked a movie when I was a teenager doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a horrible movie, and then I make an even bigger mistake by recommending it to someone…”

Star Wars IV: No New Patriot Hope

from: Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog

“A long time ago in a Patriot Nation far far away…”

3:10 To Eff Yuma: Un-Christian Bale’s Profane Tyrade

from: Starcasm

“By now most everyone has probably heard about Christian Bale’s rage explosion while filming Terminator: Salvation last month…”

Dark Knight: 155 Minutes of Awful

from: Angry Seafood

What collection of funny blog post about movies would be complete without the classic tongue-in-cheek panning of Batman?

Aliens

from: Bumps in the Road

“So - it’s Indiana Jones’s last hoorah (let’s hope). He’s kidnapped by Russians, not Nazis, and taken to a military warehouse to help the aforementioned Russians locate a box. Nope, not the ark of the covenant…”

Movie Review: The Reader

from: Pterodactyl Puke

“If you like boobs, pedophilia and Nazis, then do I have a movie for you!!!
You’ve got to hand it to Kate Winslet. She has no problem dropping trow…”

Star Trek XXXVI

from: Angry Seafood

“So I figure at some point I will get to write a Star Trek script. I must be prepared. Not only do I have a plotline in mind, but I will cover ground my predecessors have not walked upon…”

Great Moments In Movie Bikinis Of The Day

from: List of The Day

A collection of some of fine ladies like Hale Berry and the not-so-fine Carrie Fisher.

Exhale

from: Unfinished Rambler

Rambler imagines himself as one of my favorite movie characters.

My Childhood Gets Crapped On Again

from: Angry Seafood

“The other night on Spike they played Star Wars episodes III and IV back-to-back which showed how much of an insult the prequels were. I feel bad for anyone who has never seen any of the six films…”

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{January’s Humor Blog Roundup: President Obama’s Inauguration.}

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about movies.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about films.]

God Wished Me A Happy Valentine’s Day

2009-02-15T07:20:20Z

During a grueling day of waiting tables on one of the busiest days in the restaurant business, Valentine’s Day I found this note on my table:

All this time I thought that famous quote from the Bible explained why God sacrificed Jesus, so that we may be forgiven for our sins.

Turns out he did it for couples and waiters on Valentine’s Day. Who knew?

I am a bit concerned though. Does this mean God’s new marketing strategy is a tie-in between secular holidays and religion?

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about Judism]

[Blogerella has interesting blogs about waiting tables]