Ankious Me

The Curse - The End Part III

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 18:30:00 +0000

( in the back of mind.. i realized my fear ...it wasn't about getting ended by the aura......but was the fear of a reason that maybe true...
she hasn't spoken up the reason to end everything on her own ...but she gave signs....with all pointing in one direction...she may have taken my curse as a joke ....but she didn't took the situation of my parents as a reason to laugh....she did got scared of their condition...and turned mean as she couldn't find anything valuable in my life....with me under so much pain....just expecting from her...till the situations changed. She left with them as a reason... but she could never tell it on my face to be called mean...so gave me no reason at all.....
I understand that she wants her someone to be a well-to-do person from a well-to-do family but it doesn't gives her a license to play with others feelings like that .

I still love that person who hates to be with me just because of my parents condition.

I just can't hurt both of them....so leaving on them to take the decision....

but when it comes to taking a decision i turn weak and want to end my life other than making a choice....

)

i keep on repeating the words " I am not lying about anything " as i loose control over myself ....
but the aura is still firm on its words.....

just end me ....if you feel so....i shouted........

the aura in the reply.....

Yes people like you should be ended as they still can't take a stand and leave a person who has left them for a reason being its own parents.....
not because they are against it or anything but they are in state to be taken cared off ...and being with that person means to be accepting them too in that state....that is hard to be making that decision....

(
i was taken aback by this ...

the day i said i am going to end my world ...

the day she never asked me anything , just said those words " live for them , as they have no-one else...."

she never asked "how they were , not even once when she called....but just kept on reminding to not take a wrong step stopped me by taking their names...and said " you have to take care of them "....if you did anything wrong i'll be blamed for life....

My mutual friend said " Move-on....." but she didn't told me the way.....
the way i may not find people like her ....in the path i move forward on......
who are ready to take advantage of you but never be true to you....

Even she was interested in saving her friend ...not interested in knowing the well being or any reason...
I wished that i could change them....make them realize but they never did.....

Failing to bring a change ....i am on my wish to end myself....

never came a message from both of them....how were they ?
a message came to enquire if i was alive or not ....

)

Now i am giving up on those messages even......realized those were just out of fear and never meant that they worried or something...

I always said i lost my pillars to support me....when they got into this state...i never asked for her love ...it was her wish
but never had that support...too...which maybe i deserved......
I still crave for that support but i lost faith in believing in someone else....as no-one could be trusted that much...
the ones who could was not in a state to support.....

I didn't wanted to be burden on someone.....and never wanted to increase someone's responsibility.....
loved whosoever tried helping in something....but never asked for sympathies....felt more worst than death.

Never tried having a habit of getting helped ...as i respected everyone's time and life....

wanted people to be a part of my life....but was scared of them to start sympathizing with me...

I respected the understanding of my situation ...respect of my individuality and help in case i was weak.......
which i never had.......

I tried being normal but no-one let me be......it

I never wanted to be mis-understood.....but everyone had their way of mending my words...
( their way of making me be aware of their choices , which i accepted )

the aura ...
said ...its time....now

its time for you to get over.........

he got me up ......i sensed my end was near...........

i had so much to remember and i closed my eyes ...as he placed his hand on my heart .......

I closed my eyes ....and all i saw was her face.....her smile......
i was about to say anything else ...but only one thing came out

"be happy and safe wherever you are ...

and

I'll always love you but won't be
there to be with you"

and with that the aura ....just in a flash separated that heart from my body.......

Some moments ..later...i see him( the one who has always tried to save me) again there....

He has so much to tell me ,
So much to ask but

He said " I am glad that you are alive , but maybe i can understand your position
but its life it never gives you chances ...
You did it ...you survived...i know but still you survived.

but i was not glad about surviving it .....not after realizing everything i did.....
i wished i shouldn't have survived.

The Curse - The End Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 16:00:00 +0000

Nothing was hidden from the aura.....i was told ...before coming here...

I had lost what my life held onto.....seeing so many people in pain just because of me..didn't changed much about me...
but that girl..did made me realize what was life..., the way she lived...was maybe the life i too wanted..but never had..
maybe the thing was that i thought she could understand and help me in saving others and the ones in pain...as i was unable to directly help them and it frustrated me....
i said...

Really ?....and the aura laughed .....tell me the truth ?

Yes , and also i was in fear that how everything changed the time i disclosed it to the world.....i may end being alone in this world...as with each disclosure...the person started leaving....at first i thought the problem was with them..they couldn't understand everything...and they didn't deserved to be there....but

but ???

but the way she reacted changed my opinions....
about myself.......

she made me realize it didn't mattered how much you love someone , it matters if you possess what this world craves for.......

i was not fooled....actually ..what the people say...about everything....
actually i was taken advantage of my situations ..the problems and everything ...and was put in a situation where i had no option...

okay...the aura said....
but what is that biggest fear you have ?
aura asked ...

"You "....i replied...

you knew me....before her birthday ...and you used to boast about having fought with it.....
then suddenly so much of fear for me....that isn't the reason.....

i never knew i ll be ended by you.....i used to believe like those stories told even i would have a chance of survival.....
from a power like you.....but she did made me realize i am a normal person with no special abilities...
i can't beat you at anything....

you are lying ......the aura with a stronger voice.....

i am not ......i replied....

i don't have anything to lie about.....i replied....

( in the back of mind.. i realized my fear ...it wasn't about getting ended by the aura......but was the fear of a reason that maybe true...

The Curse - The End Part - I

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 18:29:00 +0000

the day has come ....the day i fear the most ..that comes every year
But this it has the reason turning into a reality ......the fear coming true...

I have an unusual smile on my face for the day ...why
Even I don't know it .....

Maybe its onto having the end of all the suffering ..all the pain
all the reasons to run away from and all the lies as justifications ...been awarded.

Its the end of everything....

Last time i was here .....i had nothing in my mind....
i didn't had to face anything ...as everything got sorted ...without my intervention...
i don't remember what happened...
but today i ll defending myself on my own.....giving justifications for who i am ...

As i sense the change in the environment .....i say my last prayers ..one last efforts to save myself.....
even my prayers say..."Take care of her God ..in my absence from this world..."

the arrival is marked with the environment going lifeless......i am scared...everything goes black..

the aura of that place turns magical...and the exposure is so bright i am unable to lookup....

i am on knees before that aura and i look down....to the end of the extent of that aura...

"I know what all your life has been, as i was a part of you until now...accompanying you with the every step you took..."
but i am not glad with how you have lived ...." the aura spoke.....

I know i have been discussing this thing with people around me.....i have been asking for their understanding that they should work and save themselves other than trying too much...i asked them to act intelligently which they took it for sympathy.......
i said..

Do you not want to sympathized ?....Really ?
the aura asked....

i replied affirmatively ....

That is a lie...if you hadn't .....then what was it with that girl ?

(Continued in Part II)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 18:36:00 +0000

As the countdown begins to the maybe the final moments of life.
The fear has started to take on me ..

The wish to see her once before the destiny make it calls grows.

I untie myself from the chains and wish to make my way out of the place.

I want to run to her and see her but the curse never let's me do that.

The thing is what would you do ...if she has moved on ..
and now doesn't wish to see you.

If in choice of seeing her...she gets to know ...and does something that may hurt.

I ask myself a question ?
Will i be able to survive , seeing her moved on ?

the answer without any doubt is NO.

The time till now only focused on saving her from the curse. But now a sudden wish to see her before the end grows

My body too isn't supporting me to move on...
I am too weak.

What if my life ends days after this.
and i am not able to see her....

I have no other option but to sit there and wait for the final day...

Whatever be the situation , I learnt few things from this life....

#1 It isn't about how much you love , its all about what you are practically that matters !

#2 Even your friend cannot understand you ...when she is the part of the world that is totally against you.

#3 People won't believe you are up with something bad in your life, until they see you die on a hospital bed.

#4 Never do anything for anyone , unless you can prove to them you did something , otherwise it's all wasted.

#5 Your life is precious than any other person's life , no matter if he is on a death bed.

#6 Everyone leaves you ...when you are about to die.
just a bit of memories are left , which are not more than a used tissue for them but it is capable of supporting someone's life.

Wish would she have decided to be with me ? if i wasn't cursed.
Till now life had been full of experiences ...where i met angels like her..
and friends like our mutual one .

I thought i was strong but it was actually nothing but a lie.
As i broke down after knowing my life a little better everytime,
all i used to believe that this curse wasn't something that someone would believe in.

All i got to know was that it became the reason for people to leave me.

I saw everything this life held onto ......
but it doesn't matter now..

I am a part of everyone's history and maybe soon be out of existence.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 14:36:00 +0000

Everything is moving on.....with irresistible pain
either caused by the curse
or by her absence....

I am by myself trying to go through all the pain at once..
She left me at the point i needed her the most ,
for living a life full of happiness which was getting affected by my presence

With every step i take ....its all blood down the path ..that leads to a place of final judgement

The place ..where the fate would get decided...the path were no one can support , no one can do anything
I did all what i could do....gave up everything in love

Her proposal to just be friends ...and not more ....
Seemed as if she was hiding the words behind those lines ...which meant i can only give you this to sympathize with your
condition...
"You have all other important people in your life .....you could atleast try for them ..to live"
as if i treated her a total stranger to my situations.....or my situations were just not right to be in for her...

She didn't wanted to be in a world ....where everything was just feelings....
She calls herself modest and me an emotional or invade deep in her thoughts , then an emotional fool

I am transforming from the human she loved or played with ...into a human who gives a damn about her....
Into an animal she used to fear ...when she met ...

The fear of the curse goes on....and i still remember the day....the curse's arrival marked my doors.....

I was with her ...trying to make her realize ...my love for her and to make her trust me more .....
Suddenly the situations started to change ...for unusual to happen..
blood started to tear the flesh in me....and moved out...
i realized the time was not right for her to see all this......

She asked me the reason....and i told her everything...
even if i was told to keep all that to myself...

She feared her life....and ran to save her from the oncoming of curse and its effects.
With me , shouting aloud to let her know..."her safety was my concern too"
Wished she had trusted me more on this...all i wanted was the support.....the care that may have healed the wounds.....
so that it pained less than wounds carved on wounds.....

her promises ...her support all seemed just a lie
with the thing ..that let me open up to her ...about the curse being
" Its not your reactions , that's hurting me.....but its the way you are nowdays"
I am ready to bear it all, if it could help you get back to normal...!!!!

My pain was ....not at all ..important to her..and she ran....
After some time ....she did return..
but it was too late , in her absence ...i had just asked the end for me.....
my ego, my anguish , her words ....all burnt to form a circle ....to let nothing enter in......

Her return was nothing but a gesture for she felt bad on leaving me alone...
Still she was in fear.....in all.....
And all i did was smile....and asked her to leave...
as in that way ..she was only insulting my feelings i had for her...
and not being thankful....for what i meant to her in her life........
or just not being true....about why she had to always hide the truth from me....

When she already felt something for him....
then why not clearly ....say that she already felt for someone....
instead of ....i dont wanna be in relationship...or anything else.....

I wish i hadn't tried knowing the reasons behind her dis-approvals....instead should have heard her saying all that...
Atleast ..what all i had known.....
may not have caused me ...to never trust anyone..

I chain myself .....to let this fear not hurt anyone.....
i tightly chained myself ...so that even a little movement cause the wounds to pain....

But still ...i was not able to forget her....with everytime i tried....something or the other reminded me of her.....

I am bounded......i can't be with her, neither can force her to be with me.......

The Note......

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 18:30:00 +0000

"Shona

hey I am glad that you are fine..was wondering the options to reach you..
but when i did find one...you were busy dreaming ..
you really made me feel dead till the time..i saw you..
you know one thing...even the nurse who is attending you...
complains about your irresponsible behavior...
i know ..i know..all the credit goes to me..
to have loved you..more than my life....

This has been the worst day of my life , Seeing you like this ....in a hospital
I don't know who to blame ....you or me ....
You for neglecting the care i wanted you to do , in my inability to be with you all the time,
or me to have not told you everything .....
I should have told you about this before..and i even tried telling you this
when you thought i was mad...
you were the one ..who used to keep my spirits high and never made me believe in anything
like that..but now seeing you like this...
i feel like blaming myself to be a part of you...
All i see is an adjusting you...who just believed in a fool's word and walked with me ....
even when you had the option of leaving me....
I failed to fulfill all the promises ....but it would be hard to break one knowingly...
"To be with you till my last breath"
Its not that I am leaving you alone ....but i just don't want to be the trouble of your life ,
As I can't loose you...and can't be with you on knowing that the reason of loosing you ...could be me ..myself

I am sorry for everything that happened...to you
""

I Don't Want This Dream To Be A Reality.......

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 04:30:00 +0000

my suspicion grew into my fear ...that day ..when i had that dream...

I was happy to be around her...a life that i felt was worth living..denying the possibilities and living for the present..
She seemed happy too...

i started ignoring or i didn't felt like looking at the possibilities...
i just wanted to be happy..

it was midnight , and it had never been a day ..that she hasn't messaged me before midnight..
but today it was unusual...
i messaged her...
and suddenly my mobile phone rang...

to my hello....answered a man..on inquiring him...he told me that the person to whom the mobile phone belonged to...had met with an accident...
He asked me to inform the members of her family..and told me the hospital she was in...

i was restless....about the news....neither i had any contact number of her family members, neither i knew how would i be telling them this news...
i called up the only friend of her ..i knew...informed her..

I felt so helpless that i was bounded that i can't reach there to see her.....as i don't own a vehicle...and even more..her family rarely knew about me....
i was bounded till the sun rises..and i was helpless as i could feel..i could do nothing

In the morning, i woke up late..after i slept late in the morning...
it was over 10..when i got ready to leave home ..to see her..

Now, even i felt , what was i going for ..when the worst time was over...
I couldn't be there with her ..especially when she needed me...
and now all i was going to show that i loved her...
I felt ashamed to have slept that morning..but i had no other way
the friend i knew..wasn't replying to any of my messages and neither she took the pain
to update me on the matter...

Every random thought passed my mind..but neither of them nearing the reality...
i was lost..and the world seemed an uncomfortable place for me to be in..
I was at the bus stop ..waiting ...and the bus came...people were too busy getting
inn..and i less cared and waited to get inn at the last...
But my patience gave in too early and i walked to the door of the bus..
suddenly , someone stopped me from behind..it was him..
Seeing him after a very long time..i touched his feet.....

I had forgotten about him...and forgotten everything in being with her....
But he still remembered me....i was touched..
he asked me about my well being ...and asked me where i had been all this while ..

i felt ashamed ...and i just couldn't gather words..to answer him..

He could see me a bit worried ..and inquired
and i told him everything ....

after hearing everything ...he wanted to know what was i trying to do ...now
i told him everything...he asked for..

then suddenly when trying to move ahead...he stopped me again..

he asked me to stay back...but i had to see her...no matter what...

i told him.."i just don't care about what happens to me..but i really want to see her
right now...."

Even after knowing everything about yourself....
the way he said it...it just stopped me from moving an inch..
further...
that minute, it just made me feel.....could i be a reason , that could bring upon such
a situation for her...
to which the answer could be or was definitely YES..no matter how hard i tried ignoring it

I just couldn't stop myself from asking him.."what he did meant actually ?"

He started disclosing everything ....actually he had come to meet me..to warn me ..of the danger that may happen...and to see me too...
but after seeing me ....he could guess that something has already happened
and when i disclosed him..everything ...the danger was not completely over ..he felt

he warned me...it was not the right time to be the part of the situation...it won't undo
what's done but it may initiate the danger left.....

but all these were not actually stopping me from...moving ahead..
but in order to get going ..i had to promise him something ..to let him allow me....
to go....

I promised him...i won't push situations to let it be according to me...i would respect
what i'll be offered...and would not try to be a part of someone's life and would stop
others from being a part of my life...

I moved ahead..he still didn't wanted me to go..as he knew i would surely break a couple of promises..

I reached the place ....my heartbeat...started beating faster....
i was surrounded by my fear of assuming her condition..will i be able to bear the moment
seeing her like that...

As soon as i reached the entrance , i was stopped by the guards ..asking me for my whereabouts...i told them and then they asked me for the pass...which i didn't had..
They asked me to wait outside ..even after requests..

I waited outside..and tried calling the friend...she didn't answered at all...
I glued my eyes to look for someone inside i knew..to help me get in..

I saw my friend ..looking at the entrance in search of someone...i moved towards the
entrance giving her a chance to see me...she did..maybe or maybe not and then immediately turned her face around...and i saw her calling someone...
i was thinking that would be me...but my mobile didn't end up receiving any call...

i sat down on the bench across the entrance....and saw many injured persons getting exchanged with all treated people through the door....the tensed faces of the people
accompanying the injured people ...or should i say critical patients..
made me skip my heart beat...

After some-time...i saw someone noticeable ..making way through all those people and
patients...to the entrance...he waited there..called someone... and some moments later, i saw my friend coming to the door...helping him..get in....i got to know..it was him.....
I hadn't seen him before....or should i say i didnt cared looking at his pics on fb
I don't know , whether she saw me sitting at the bench or not...but if she did...
what made her..ignore me like that...

I waited at the bench...seeing people around...even seeing people who knew me..move across me....totally ignoring my presence there.....

the day , ended and i waited there.....with no objection and all acceptance...
I was still not out of the fear...

One of the guard sat next to me...he anxiously inquired ..what was i waiting for ?
i told him...i was waiting to meet someone who was inn there....he asked me .how was i related to her ?...i paused..trying to say something and in the end..said "Even i don't know

how am i related to her , i want to live my whole life with her but my life isn't worth living ...i am ready to give away everything , but she never believes in me,"...
he allowed me

to step inn...and asked me to be quick with my return...

I just don't know...what made that person melt at this hour for me..who was so strict
to have not let me inn...in the morning..i walked inn..with my fear growing more.....

I asked the reception..for my queries..about where she was...
she said the meeting time was over..and requested me to come in the morning...
on my request , she did told me...the chamber and her bed number ..where she was...

After letting me know the details..she got back to her work...
i entered the chamber ...and there was a huge line of beds there...every patient was
accompanied by one relative..at night..i slowly walked in the decreasing order of the
numbering of beds..from the door...
i reached there..i could see her sleeping..
there were two persons there...with her..one was "no need to guess" and other was maybe her brother..guessed it from the description , she once gave me of her brother...

I don't know ...from where a nurse came and started panicking....asking me what was i doing there ...i requested her to maintain silence...and asked her to walk to the door
and agreed to tell her everything...

I explained her.. everything.....i requested her to believe me...and
before making my way out of the chamber ..she pulled out a question from nowwhere...
how are you related to her ?...i still didn't had an answer to that...and repeated that
she won't understand..as to this day even i dont know

how am i related to her "...
.this time..it really pinched me..
and i was curious in knowing what i meant to her...

i got back to the reception and requested the nurse there...to lend me a pen and a paper..she did said something ...but i ignored..i owe her for lending me the pen and the paper...

i wrote down..what all i knew.....

"Shona

hey I am glad that you are fine..was wondering the options to reach you..
but when i did find one...you were busy dreaming ..
you really made me feel dead till the time..i saw you..
you know one thing...even the nurse who is attending you...
complains about your irresponsible behavior...
i know ..i know..all the credit goes to me..
to have loved you..more than my life....

This has been the worst day of my life , Seeing you like this ....in a hospital
I don't know who to blame ....you or me ....
You for neglecting the care i wanted you to do , in my inability to be with you all the time,
or me to have not told you everything .....
I should have told you about this before..and i even tried telling you this
when you thought i was mad...
you were the one ..who used to keep my spirits high and never made me believe in anything
like that..but now seeing you like this...
i feel like blaming myself to be a part of you...
All i see is an adjusting you...who just believed in a fool's word and walked with me ....
even when you had the option of leaving me....
I failed to fulfill all the promises ....but it would hard to break one knowingly...
"To be with you till my last breath"
Its not that I am leaving you alone ....but i just don't want to be the trouble of your life ,
As I can't loose you...and can't be with you on knowing that the reason of loosing you ...could be me ..myself

I am sorry for everything that happened...to you
""

i wrapped the piece of paper and handed over it to the guard at the entrance...with a tip and asked him to give it to the patient at bed no in chamber "..."

I walked out ..of the hospital.....knowing my real value..
the day made me be aware of ..the fact...that i was nothing without her....

After Some Days...
A message flashed on my mobile.....

"Hi
Can we meet up ?
can you come to the market nearby my place...

i replied affirmatively...
i was feeling low..since that day...didn't slept and ate properly
her sms did charged me somewhat but my body requirements still kept me on low...

i reached the place....and called her to know where was she..
i moved to the place ..she told me ..she was waiting at...
i could see her from a distance..still an angel even with bandages..plastered hand and elbow...i was happy to see her alive..

hi..greetings got exchanged knowing each others well being ..
i asked her what time would it require more for her to fully recover...
she told me ..that it may take a month or more....for her to recover.....

She opened her wrist to show me the piece of paper.....it was the piece of paper on
which i wrote....so what do you want to do ? her question.....
I just don't want you to go...but i fear that keeping you near can hurt you...

Do you really feel ?..writing down on a piece of paper and not making it to the hospital
physically ..at times when i needed you the most ...and just saying that you fear
and you blame yourself for all this..
would make me forgive you ?

What ?..what do you mean ?shona..
how are the two things related ?...

one sec....I am not lying ..when i am telling you this....i should have told you before..
i know....but you always made me not to believe in all this......
it was me trying to convince her.....

then why didn't this act of feeling guilty i got to see before...you knew it ....
it must have been the fact that you don't want to be with me...
she said..

and you know what even i don't want to be with you now.....
and yes you said it right....
you are responsible for everything .....
everything bad that happened to me...
I don't want you in my life...ever again.....

She tore that piece of paper and threw at me....
I collected ..them..
as a reward to have loved her more than myself...

"

this had been the dream ...i could never forget.....

When i woke up...i looked at my mobile for messages....
there was nothing..and i realized the importance of knowing everything
and responsibility of even letting her know about it....

There were just three days to the big day....HER BIRTHDAY..
it was 8th ### 2011..
it was the day ...i had known my fear.....

The Curse -II

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 00:30:00 +0000

The day , i knew everything
started with a smile for me...when i was getting ready..eager to know the solutions
to all my problems ...the way out of the hell....i had experienced..

I, in front of him...just started with my description of my sufferings...
he just told me..to chill.....they are just my illusions...
he used to take note of everything but never used to tell anything related to the truth.
i was just not satisfied with the answers..
i fail to understand ..the link to the answers and the direction to which all the situations pointed in...

I told him..all my observations...what i was looking for in the answers of my questions
trying to frame the picture of the reality that relates to the truth..

I was warned ..and not being told at first...
but i had to know it..that day or be it any day of the future..

The truth of my life...why everything pointed at me ..to be blamed ..
why i too felt , i make certain things ..without any reasons....

You are cursed...he said

Failing to understand , what it meant , and what it did ?
i questioned again...

Then he made me understand my life...
how situations led to the curse affecting you...

As i had grown accustomed to something unusual about me...i had on my own started keeping
everyone at a distance...the limit changed to be increased ..every-time everything unusual
took place...

It was tough ..to be near me..
as i tried being rude with people going way beyond the limits...and separated myself whenever i got the chance...

It was tough for someone like me...who loved to be in others company..to live like that
and the need to be around others...grew more with the growing suspicion...

Failing to effect my existence...the curse started making the people important to me
, the victim to the situations....

I couldn't stop it from affecting the important people in my life...as i didn't knew
it at all...

But when i got to know..about it..
i suspected her to be the next victim...
as she was someone important in my life....

The Curse

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 03:30:00 +0000

If i had a simple life , there could be enemies trying to mend my ways
but my life..can't be castled , so there no enemies..its just the curse..

Looking back at times , the time when i was so aware of it ..but knew nothing about it
failing to understand things ..did made me go after them...
the people i looked forward to answer my queries ...lured me with their lies..

The best example being , nothing best than
"there is nothing like curse that exist..."

But the curse ..always made itself accounted in my life...
with those people giving evidences that lead me ...i had something attached to my life
they feared....

Some stories told ....to bury the truth..but i had to know the truth..

But today, when i know everything i had been trying to know...
i fail to understand things..
was i gifted ?
or
i am being punished for nothing ?

the curse ..leads to situations that
has two rules ..

first, to affect me..
second , to effect me..

i have been so suspicious of myself ....that i stop myself from doing anything on my own
if that relates to something ...important to some-other person..people call me mean
that way..i also get to hear.."you don't so anything important for me.."

no one tries to cause a mishap , to someone who is important to them ..intentionally
even if you would force them...they would stop themselves from abiding that way..
That's what i always did...

Actually, i care about them more than me...that i even don't want to take any chances
cause i don't know my opponent...i don't know ..what am i against..

He warned me ..from falling in love ..
but i failed to abide by that...

i was failing to save others from the curse..and the wish to add another victim to
the list...that can get affected by curse..was not a great idea..
but at that time , i was unaware of the curse..i had doubts ..and
i won't deny the fact..that i suspected people around me..for all the unusual happenings..

At one stage, i even suspected her...
yes, the one i loved..

But the day was not to far, when i got to know..about the curse..

i used to tell her...
that i suspected everything that used to happen around me...
but i never had a valid reason to prove..and she used to call me mad...

Her reply-" 21 Oct 2011"- II

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:34:00 +0000

21 October 2011 03:04

Nai Yaar You Don't Have To B
On The Receiving End Of My Wrath....

Me Really Sorry It's Just That , I Have Gone Mad
These Days..
And
I Hate Talking To Anybody...Because
Jab Muh Kholti Hun Bakwass He...
Karti Hun...

Tabhi I Avoid Talking To Everybody...

Main Reason...
Mera Cell Kyon Mere Pass Nahi Hota
Mera Yehi Hai....

I Don't Want To Hurt You...
So Ignore Me For A Day
Or
So...............

Her Reply - 21 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 19:30:00 +0000

21 October 2011 00:43

Yaar me really sorry

Aajkal main bahut rude ho gai un pta ni why...

Mera Dimaag sadh chuka hai...because of this stupid exam...

If you felt bad because of me ...me really sorry.....

The Curse Triggers Again....

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 19:00:00 +0000

I tried saving everyone from the anonymous danger ME....i seem to be bringing upon
too many calamities on my loved ones..
It makes me crush myself more and more....what if that happens ....
what if my curse ...is known to all...will i be able to survive walking through
those glazing eyes.....
I feel helpless....as i am busy
facing the problems

Either i save them .....or i save myself...from this thing that detaches me
from the world....

I feel ..like i am cheating by letting them be unaware of all this
and i fear that they'll go away ...as everyone wants to be safe ....

I need help as i quail....and i look for the reasons ...going into that past of mine
that even fell a victim to a helpless love life...

The people i look upon for help...ignore...coz i never know..where this all end...
and how they can help...and i dnt know...how to tackle it on my own.....

I try to be defensive ...and let everyone go...
it never hurted me ...until i met her...the things i knw about myself ...never let me
move ahead with her...the reasons for which i fell in love with her...never wanted my life
to be that way.....

I was sure ...the curse was gone....as i look upon those footprints ...she left in my life
describing the presence of her in my life....and the way i try and preserve it...
maybe show how important she was to me in my life....

But i never had a reason...to stop her and a million to let her go...

I felt the curse was over...one of the important person in my life ...had left me in
tears ....
I dnt care as what it does to me....but i never wanted her to get hurt.....
Suffer without a reason...

Being with her ...it made me think ....i was an unnecessary problem to her
that she repented to have made a part of her life...

that day..when she just said it....just let it go...I am fine with leaving you
It hurted me..as even if i knew it was the best option for her to stay away from being
hurt...i ignored it ..as i never wanted her to leave....

But she did...

And
I am back again at finding reasons for my curse....
It triggered...and it hurted my mother...she was again in tears and i had myself to blame

I was asked to mail something to someone from his family...
I was unable to question her trust in me...that i wud not cause any unauspiciousness
to her belief...

I had grown normal...with nothing had happened over some days ..around me
I thought the curse got restricted to me...but i was unaware of the future...

The auspicious day...celebrations were all around....and i still cudn't breathe right
i stand for an urge to hurt myself again...i really cudnt bear my existence..but
was failing to show up...

Suddenly my phone rang..i never picked up the phone....when i was so much hassled..
and the news that broke everyone...but it affected my mother the most.....
it was her brother ...who had met with an accident...and i had every right to hurt myself
myself...as every possibility pointed to me...
to have all that possible ...and i never knew ..i cud put someone's life in danger
all because of my curse.....the unluckiness i cause....

By Surprise Love Couldn't be the Best part of My Life...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 17:36:00 +0000

"By Surprise Love Couldn't Be the Best part of my life..."

the inevitable summary of my life...where fate runs ahead of all....destiny makes its
surprise calls.....the curse never let me go.....and i am all bound to show....everything
i believe in..everything i feel ...to make that one effort to make you realize
how much i need you to be a part of my life....

But i never have anything to change , whats written....
but i always wanted you to back me up through all the times.....to make that impossible
attempt in life...as feelings are more dearer to me...than the fate...
as the fate takes me away from you...and feelings makes you go away....

I never wanted to clear up things...i knew it'll make you leave ...but i grew accustomed
to all whats true.....i saw myself through the eyes of the world without you...that
was not a great experience for me...i realized its better to let you go..before the
situations worsen...i wanted to hurt you no more.....

I owe you for the reasons that made you cry...and maybe in this life or the other
i ll try and make up for that...by being among the ones loved by you and the ones who
reciprocate that....

Shona, it feels dead again without you...as i am alone now, as i told you
never wanted anyone to be by my side...in these moments of time..
It makes me feel weak in front of the situations i need to face....but with you leaving
at your will.....assured me that it was only me ...who would suffer...

The only reason i have been alive till now is you....i have always hoped that you would
come back....and even that day i had come to solve the matters...and have you back
but what is saw ....made me die ...one more time in life.....

" I always get to see your dark side....and you never refrain from hurting me....."
she told me...the day she realized me...she was moving out of my life.....

being selfish , the way i look at things......i saw myself forcing her to stay
in my life more...
I decided to let her go.....when one day she ignored me...not for the first time...
but she did said ..." she didn't did anything intentionally the first time...."

" I'll ignore you....if i ever come across you in the future.."

every situation ..related to it.....
the eyes that saw me....acted indifferent to any possibility of knowing me....
I was shattered when the things that i lead to , were something i was avoiding

all hopes got questioned ....and this was the time i needed my answers
as to what i was living for.....respected what i had to offer.....

i feared ...but i had to face it....the sooner i did... the better it was for others
as with each passing time....i wanted to be left alone....
as i lost the faith to be understood ....the faith to be loved.....

I accepted what i was running away from......
" I cant be loved...and its no point forcing others to believe in love...."

So instead of making others life a hell....i offered my acceptance to everyone

i message both of them...to schedule a get-together....and i said this was to clear things
up....after telling the purpose , only the mutual friend replied and i had no
reply from her....this hurt a little and made me think of stopping right then...
but i was doing could end up everything....but today i wasn't listening to anything
my heart had to say...
Wish i had listened to it...and stopped...

but let everything happen...
i had it in mind ...the thing she said about me..being rude to her all the time..
i asked myself to be true to her ...leave all what i put on to push away others from
being beside me....
before leaving for the place...i saw i had expectations in the back of my mind..
the expectations that wished her comeback.....but i had no hopes ...as i knew
i was not someone valuable that someone would repent loosing ...

So , i wished to step back...with all what i had....as i feared for the curse....
will it affect her ?
it was certain that it would...the distance decreased and the complexity increased
the person who could write what he felt ...had no solutions to offer...

i couldn't take the life out of me...and even i couldn't take the life out of her.....

i perished while covering the distance to be at that place...

When i started i had so much questions to ask her ....., but now i felt i needed
to answer some questions myself....the questions i might not be able to answer
as i am only aware of the situations and i don't know ..how to solve them....

i reached the place....and the place was pre-occupied completely....i came out
and saw them approaching ...i repeated in my mind to talk less....don't just
over-react....try and control....and tell only what you can think can matter

Seeing her approaching..in my mind i said to her..." I promise , i ll be the good one today
..."

I took my eyes off her....as they approached
my eyes were speaking a lot that day...i didn't wanted her to get to know...
so i had to make sure..she didn't see what i was going through...

We all walked to some other place near by...while we were moving ..she always used to move
away from me...like i was someone she didn't knew ...

It made me realize ....that it didn't mattered to her ....what i had gone through
and it never mattered when i made my points public through blogs....it always seemed to
her ...that they were to make everyone curse her..for my situations...

I accepted my words never mattered to her...
Seeing our friend walking next to me....i couldn't even open my mouth to ask her to accompany
her....to the place...as if i tried to be next to her..she may feel offended....
I was complete by then....i really wanted to run away from there at that time.....

Someone standing in the path to that place ....stalked her...i saw him...
but i could do nothing about ....as i was seeing this day due to my objection of a
similar circumstance.....i asked myself to keep quiet....

We entered the place....and my fear grew....she moved to the counter to order some eatables
i moved ahead to accompany her...but stopped seeing her lost in the crowd...
with the friend at halt ...at a distance from her ..and i felt i should not try too much
after she showed a lost trust in me....i didn't wanted to affect her....

I asked the friend to help her....instead of going ahead myself...
i walked downstairs with them....i still had everything going on in my mind...
the curse ..the questions i need to answer myself ...the questions i avoided

we sat and they started talking to each other , while i just stared at them....
they gave me some time...to give me those answers....

the questions made me loose the half.....

I started questioning my friend ....as what made her write so bad about me in an SMS
when i needed her ..to help me ...understand what was going on.....and she kept
on bugging me....with solutions , what i needed to do...
what made the things change , that too so quickly

It all lead to a discussion, where the questions i had thought to ask , never made
their appearance.......

it all lead to discussion about what had happened..around her birthday
and what made the situation worsen.....

I asked the reason of denial.....
and
she said she never felt that way for me.....
she questioned me....." Did i ever told you i have fallen for you ..."

it lead to a tear...in my eye ...which i controlled and never let it out...
i said i didn't had anything to prove....

she questioned me .....what made me fall in love with her
to which i replied to her......all what i had to say....

her phone rang and ..it was her mother , who inquired about her...
i wish i could hold her back....as my intention was not to end , but to see her again
but everything ...held back those thoughts and

i gave away my life as gift to them...accepted what they said ...
even if i didn't wanted to....as i had no reason to stop her...and no reason to accompany
her.....

i gave everything out of nothing i had to myself.....with a difference that it made
that i wait for the end more eagerly now.....

Anxious Me - I

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 18:30:00 +0000

I feel so blank...at finding my answers ...
to the questions you left unanswered ....and you dont
bother at all....

I am frustrated with my inabilities to let it go
as i am unable to kill all my feelings for her ...
and unable to bear her total ignorance.....

What do i really want ?
i never have an answer to this question by her ....
as i never wanna hurt her and neither i want my feelings
to get ignored...

I don't know what matters to her....she changed in all..
and maybe she changed for all good...
its only me...totally fighting for a change..

A change that'll make everything normal.....

She seems happy ...as i started to keep distances from
her..her wish...she asked for it...
no matter what it costs me..and i am paying for that
till today ....

I have a divergence in my life...
a life full of past relevances ...unpredictables leads
me ..at one way
and a life to be with her ..and my feelings leads me at
other..

I wont have anything more or less , if i choose the first
one , what we call a practical life...a secure life..
where everything excepts love awaits you....to make
your a living dream and a hell at the same time..

On the other hand ..awaits a girl..who has differences
in nature,life , etc ...when compared with my own..
She promises to come along ...but she isn't good
at keeping promises ....
what if she leaves me ..in the middle of the path ...
and walk away...saying you ll find someone else to walk
along....
What if ...she maybe using me to reach the end of that
unpredictable path..and would ditch ..after securing her
needs...
What if the curse follows me..to that road , unknown
..where i cant even rely on her..its never a guarantee
that she would not change....

In both paths..its sure i wont be surviving for long
as i am not meant to be a part of anyone's life..even
my forever lasts a few years ....
as i have lived more than half of my forever...

I wish..my life was a little simpler..that could
be overcome the difficulties put into by destiny..

Her Reply _ 9 August 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 11:17:00 +0000

09.08.2011 20:52:04

""......Apki marzi hai
Thnk watevr u want to
Waise wat hve u dne to b d 1...
u cnt even walk wid me...

so watevr u do or thnk is entirly ur syd of cookd up stry......""

Her Lies...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 20:46:00 +0000

I remember , she once said
" think before you speak , as the words may hurt others ..and they may never be able to
forget that "....

Maybe it was only applicable for me...as i was expected to come out with words out of
total frustration ....

All i saw ...myself being made fun off ..by her and her friends ..

and two persons ..telling everyone ...that they love her ...and she also loves them

When anyone used to ask me....all i had to say was...I am a no-one ..to decide..
all i have is my feelings ....let her decide what is best for her ..and i wish for being
that one .....

Few months back ....all she used to say
that he was only her friend ....
and
it all started ..when the call at night by him...started to pinch a bit ...
the only thing was ....if he was just a friend ...then calling at night , everyday
seems a bit unusual ....
and her drastically changing reviews ...on him ....

from being just a friend to he needs me....
i have known him for more than i know you.......

and ending on her wish to get married to him....she did phrased it in a way it seemed that i forced
that on her.....

The scene at her birthday party ...with everyone ....assuming them a couple ....
and an facebook incident ...a status update changed to a...in all ...description of a hidden
love story ...
and she happily accepting everything with ease......

My fault is that I questioned to much ...in the quest to know..the reality

I just asked her ....about what all this meant ?
but she always used to ...go round and round about the topic .....
never clearing things ....

a friend of mine....added onto my problems ...as he too tried expressing too much...
and when i got to know....through his spread rumors.....it was all an end ..
and i just asked her ...to end that issue....
to which she resisted ...and it ended everything for me.....

I never actually gave any attention to her...making fun of my feelings or me..in front
of her friends..with me able to hear everything .....

she did said ...." she would ignore me ..and never wanted to see me..."

" I don't feel like talking to......you"

It added to her fun ...as always , when i used to hear everything she used to embarrass me
...and she used to question my self-respect too .....
which i used to ignore ..as i didn't wanted to worsen the situation more....

But i never had ....my answer and all i had were her excuses....

I never expected ...anyone to take my side ..as i never wished too....
all i wanted was the world to be with her ....
a world that didn't included me.....

Everything got reminded ....when her words reached me....
"If i shall meet you in the future...i'll ignore you ..
I never said anything like that....you were my best friend ..with whom I could talk about any stupid stuff .

However ....we both want different things from life ....
that is the reason .....we don't talk...not because i hate you or anything .."

Hate you ....she never said that ?
lie ...she used to end every sentence with that ...
with all i got to hear ...was either she hated me...or he needed her ..

Those moments ....still hit me hard..

Maybe..she may have forgotten ...
she asked me not to talk to her ....unless she literally typed in she wanted to talk

With whom ..i could talk about any stupid stuff .....
maybe she meant ..i was a time pass ...as it been 6 months and she never called
and went offline ...when i used to be online...
Put me ...in her restricted list on facebook...

and the last ...
her ignorance ....you were my best friend...
if i was her best friend...then why such justification.....

this wont make her realize ...she did everything right ...

I curse myself....to have fallen for her...
i curse myself ..to have considered her parents as mine...
and thought about them....before taking any step of confrontation....

I knew....no one would understand my feelings....
as the one ..the feelings was for .....never cared about it...
and i don't feel like confronting her lies.....

Her Reply - 7 June 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 20:01:00 +0000

If I shall meet u in the future......
i'll ignore you

I neva said anything lyk dat......
you were my best friend ...wid whom i culd tok abt any stupid stuff

However v both want diff things frm lyf ....
Dat is the d reason v dnt tok

nt becoz I hate u or anything ......

HER REPLY- 2 APRIL 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 22:07:00 +0000

i never told anything about your life or well being to anybody....
don't blame me for stuff i have not done...

itna hi shauk hai past mein rehne ka toh go
back n think what all happened.....as a lay man...

you'll come to know that it was not all
my fault.......
if friendship breaks its because of two people and not one....
in d eyes of everybody
you have become a poor guy
who was used and thrown away
and
me the
bitch who did that......

me sorry for what happened.....
and
agar mujhe sabki saamne bechara bnne ka shock
ni hai toh it doesnt mean ki mujhe koi farak ni padhta.....

anyhow terese baat krna is like
diwaar par sar fodna...issmein b tu kuch galat hi meaning nikalega.....

MUTUAL FRIEND REPLIES - 13 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 14:49:00 +0000

M not talking bou me.......
N u have to let her go.......
plzz understand.......
da mre u delay it
da more hard it will get fr u
n
ek aur baat jaise chal raha hai
waisa b nai chal sakta ....hamesha
........
dis has to end n now....
n its better u end it aaram se.........

shut up
mai apni baat nai kr ri.....un samjha

jo bola hai ....woh kar bs
kyunki iski na koi beginning thi
na koi end hai.....
to its better ki bs ab ye yai khatm ho jaye....

bs bahut ho gaya.....
tu kyun baat ko galat direction de raha hai.....
u hate me fr speakin da truth......n askin
u to do da one right......thing possible...
dn hate me........bt u will have to do it
neways......mai houn ya nai doesn't mattr......

y r u lyk wat v both want u to do.......
cant u see da situation fr urself....yr
i dnt feel mai kuj galt keh rhi un....
baki u urself.....r smart enough......

MUTUAL FRIEND REPLIES - 13 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 23:31:00 +0000

when m i not sayin....dat u

dont......

bt she doesnt n will nt

u cant change dat so move on wid ur lyf....

u will get used to it....

n dre will be a day later in ur lyf......

when it wont affect u ....

ppl come n go only a few stay......maybe

she is not one of dem...u have to agree

to that.......

theek hai .dnt reply.....

m sayin it clearly ....let her go..

it is da tym ..n let her go without

blamin her fr anything ..without

sayin dat its ol her fault...

fr da way u are becoz....its

nt her fault....n neva was she always clear

bou it n to u as well....

n last let her go....without...scarin her with

another of ur scary texts......hope u noe

wat i mean ....dis it good fr u n fr her........

n tckr......

MUTUAL FRIEND REPLIES - 12 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 08:43:00 +0000

Jo b soch yr.......
bt cnt watch a frnd (her )........suffer fr
sumthin jisme uski glati b nai hai.........

n agar itna he kuj dekha kal.(11 oct 2011)........to fyn
take it as a hint n move on..........
agr aise he smjh aayega tjhe .........to aise he sai..........

no use troubling ur as well as others souls...................

Guess ur way of uncovering things aint
dat polite yr ..........
n bou me being faithful........
i was nt the one to invite him.........

he asked me where v were n i told him n
neway i m no one to ask him y was he comin.......
n
sorry to say
neither
do
u have the da rite to ask da same to her.........

look i aint sayin ki tune warn kiya to
galat kiya ........
fyn u as a frn did
wat u shud do.......bt if somethings........wrng
n wanna talk...........dres a way to do it
n
a tym too .........dnt u realize dat...............

u noe everything frm da very beginning n dat its
nt gonna wrk out
bt
y r u nt ready to accept da fact .........y da hell
r u after u ruinin ur lyf over smthin .......
wich was neva urs...........

N u dnt give me this as well
dat wrds of wisdom .......dnt wrk on u.........

jo fact hai wo hai........u cant deny dat..........
n tujhe kya lgta hai..
tu jo kar raha hai usse kuj hoga.........

its been quite a while n i guess .......
ne-one.....is wise enough to get it ...........
bt tjhe kuj smjhna ni hai.........
bas sadhna hai
gussa hona hai
n
den bs gusse mein hadh bakwaas krni hai.....

u loose sumthin dat is urs.........
no use cryin over sumthin.......
dats was neva urs .......
n
its ur lyf ........yr not a blog
......cummon........
its not gonna end the way ur blog is ........
dis is ur lyf....it has much more ........
n
maybe even a lot bettr da ur blog........

tjhe sachi kabi feel nai hua .....
ki tu usse un cheezon ke liye .......blame karta hai
jismein uski galti nhi .......
tu usse kbhi kitna zyada bol jata hai ......
n gve me one more reason......
ki y wud ne-one listen to ol dis..........

u noe it ol........
u r nt ready to accept it n move ahead ...
wid it ........
yr uski koi obligation......nai
bnti ki wo sune .......
n
u noe wat da msgs u text ......
at tyms
it scares da hell out of me.......
when it is even nt related to me......i
cant explain....
or
even imagine
ki wo usse kaise
effect krte hnge ........
y do u take things to dis
extreme .......
if u hav da courage to say ol
dat stoopid stuff .......den
have da courage.......to face
da situation ......
n
move on wid it plzzzzz....
am i doin sumthin.......wrong........

HER REPLIES - 12 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 08:39:00 +0000

M nt in lv wid u n wil nevr b..........
......jo ek saal mein ni hua .......
woh kbhi nhi hne wala............

its btr v mve on

simple.........

I said watever I wantd to
aur kuch ni hai mere pass bolne ko.......

coz continuing the way v r
is gona hurt mre............

just as a frnd
nthng more...............

hehehe....
no bargaining........if u cnt stay lyk dis
u always have d optn of leaving.....................

I knw dat ........
y cnt u hate me sare......
pangay khatm ho jayngay.................

HER REPLIES - 12 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 08:31:00 +0000

"U WNT BLAME ME LATER"...........

".....DAT....."

"............I SPOILED EVERYTHING FOR U......
.........M...........
.........BY WAITING FOR ME......... U'L B SPOILING
......UR LYF.... N.......... NOTHING ELSE......

HER REPLIES - 12 OCT 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:38:00 +0000

"OK DNT"............

".......DN PLZ DNT SHOWER UR LUV ON ME
N..........
...................KEEP IT TO URSELF.......
.......................CZ...............................
............."I HAVE MADE THINGS CLR FRM MY END........"."

HER REPLIES -1

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 15:41:00 +0000

" I NEVER WANT U TO WAIT FOR ME....."
"I NEVER WANT TO BIND U IN A HOPE."

" N I M JUST CLEARING THINGS OUT.......
I KNOW U STILL HAVE HOPE DAT M GONA CHANGE
ONE DAY N WILL B IN A RELATIONSHIP WID U.....".

" BUT THE TRUTH IS ITS NOT GONA HAPPEN"

"I CANT GIVE U MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP......"

the words as quoted .......
r still the same

and mean the same.......it was 12 OCT 2011........
THE DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY.