Annabel's Blog - Life Coaching Tips

Who Knows Where the Time Goes...

2011-06-06T14:54:04+01:00

Is it me, or is this year rushing past even faster than usual? Time is fast becoming one of the most precious commodities of the 21st Century — yet if I was to ask you to describe how you spend your time, would you be able to tell me?

We complain of being 'too busy' but what exactly are we doing? In the past couple of weeks I've found myself getting to the end of the working day and wondering what on earth I've been so busy doing all day. Am I using my time wisely? Am I being productive? Are my activities moving me towards what I want to achieve and what I hold to be important?

In an attempt to answer these questions I've decided to conduct an experiment — and if any of the above sounds familiar to you, I invite you to join me.

For the next week I'm going to keep a detailed Time Log in which I'll make as precise a record as I can of everything I do during the day. Then, at the end of each day, and the week, I'll do an analysis of — literally — where my time has gone.

For those who struggle with managing their time this exercise is a crucial first step to regaining control. I know what you're probably thinking: "I haven't got TIME to do a time log...!" While it's true that it adds one more thing to your to-do list, hopefully the insights you gain will be worth it. The first time I did this exercise I was shocked to discover that I was spending 2-3 hours each day just on emails and, even worse, that I was typically working 10-12 hour days. Well that had to stop. The point was: until I completed the Time Log and saw it in black and white I didn't realise how much time I was wasting.

So, try keeping a Time Log for the next week. Keep as accurate and detailed a record as you can of everything you do each day. Once you know exactly where your time goes, you will be in a far better position to take control and make some clear choices about what activities are serving you well and which ones you might want to consider reigning in, or even dropping altogether.

Setting Boundaries = Extreme Self Respect

2011-03-08T15:11:23+00:00

The term personal boundaries gets bandied around a lot in personal development and coaching circles. Its meaning isn't always clear and the concept can be a bit confusing, but the more I think about it the more I believe that it's all about respect. Respect for yourself and respect of others.

Here are some great examples I've encountered recently which might help to illustrate what boundaries are all about:

I have a friend who I know on both a personal and a professional basis and I called him at home one weekend to discuss something related to business. His response was unexpected. He said that he was really sorry, but he and his partner had a rule that they didn't discuss anything to do with their business on their home phone. He was thoroughly nice about it, but asked if I could call him back on Monday at work.

At first I felt quite taken aback by this but after I had recovered from the surprise I was really impressed at the strength of the boundary he and his partner had drawn around them. Work was work. Home was home. And even though they knew many people who crossed into both worlds they had made a very definite decision not to let work infiltrate into their home space and time.

A brilliant example of boundary setting.

And here's another. A few weeks ago I did a coaching consultation with someone who was telling me about the bold steps she had taken to respect her needs and her boundaries. The way she had achieved this was to choose to let go of all the activities that no longer served her. This was all about saying "no" to those things she had taken on and which were now eating into her valuable personal time. Being prepared to say "NO" to things that no longer serve you is another crucial part of setting strong boundaries. By saying "no" you're effectively saying "yes" to yourself.

Setting boundaries is all about making choices which respect yourself, your needs and your personal space and time. Once you're clear about what this looks like you need to let others know what's acceptable or not - just like my friend did with me. This doesn't have to be confrontational - just clear. I now know what his boundary is and will take pains to respect it. The interesting thing is that - even though it might feel uncomfortable to say "no" to others, or to make it clear what your boundaries are - more often than not you'll find people respect you all the more for it.

Procrastination that Pays

2011-02-06T19:19:59+00:00

Read any article on how to overcome procrastination and it will inevitably include the advice to 'do the thing you're putting off first.' I'd love to know how many procrastinators EVER actually do this. Telling a procrastinator to do the thing they're avoiding first is like telling someone with arachnophobia to pick up a tarantula - it's just not going to happen!

I was thinking about this the other day as I raced to meet a looming deadline, giving myself a hard time for not having started the task days, if not weeks ago. Surely that would have been so much more sensible?

And then I reconsidered. There's a reason why procrastinators leave things to the last minute. Deadlines are wonderfully motivating. When we have no other choice, the adrenaline kicks in and we set to our task with energy and determination and will, in most cases, get it done. I was enjoying the rush of doing things at the last minute; I was highly focused and determined and I got lots done in a very short space of time. I sometimes wonder what's actually more stressful: the act of leaving things to the 11th hour or giving ourselves a tough time for doing so?

I know it goes against all the received wisdom out there, but my question is: what's wrong with the strategy of working to tight deadlines? Maybe the sensible thing to do is to Plan to Procrastinate?

I accept that there are dangers inherent in this strategy. What if you have a really important deadline and your plan to tackle the job at the last minute is foiled by an unexpected illness or family emergency? Equally, it's true that living on adrenaline isn't healthy. But how would it be if we accepted that that's the way we naturally do things and stop beating ourselves up for it? How might that change things?

Thinking the Impossible

2010-12-31T13:01:52+00:00

A couple of items on the radio and TV have caught my attention over the Christmas break. The first was the appearance of Sir Torquil Norman on Desert Island Discs. I'd never heard of him before but I was fascinated by his story:

Having sold his successful toy business, instead of sinking into a gentle and peaceful retirement, he threw himself into raising the money needed (a mere £30 million) to restore a derelict railway engine shed in Camden called the Roundhouse. The Roundhouse had been famous in the '60s and '70s as an alternative performing arts venue and Norman had enjoyed taking his children there. This was an unimaginably massive project and he explained rather gleefully how everyone had told him that this was "the stupidest thing anyone's ever done", that he'd "never get the money needed and would have to give back all the money he had been given", and that it had absolutely no chance of success. But, against all the odds, by sheer determination and persistence he made it happen. The Roundhouse re-opened in June 2006.

I also watched When Harvey Met Bob, the story of Live Aid where Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Harvey Goldsmith made the impossible happen by creating the all-day global rock concert in London and Philadelphia to raise funds for famine relief in Ethiopia. Every big name from the world of rock performed for free that day and tens of millions were raised. From a single, nagging idea that he had to do something to help, Geldof, through the force of his personality, dogged determination and passion for the cause, really did make the impossible happen on that hot summer day in July 1985. Even watching the film in retrospect it's almost unbelievable to think that he pulled it off.

Both of these stories are living proof that if you've got the passion, the vision and the determination anything can be achieved. We're on the brink of the New Year. Is there something you've long dreamed of doing, having or being, but others have told you it was impossible? Could 2011 be the year that you set out to prove them wrong...?

From Darkness into Light

2010-12-07T15:57:34+00:00

Last week I went to a wonderful Advent Procession service in Salisbury Cathedral. The service began in total darkness and then gradually, to the sound of the most sublime choral plainsong, hundreds of candles all around the vast space of the Cathedral were lit. It was the most moving and spiritually uplifting experience.

Advent is, of course, all about the coming of the Light. But we're not far now from the Winter Solstice; that day in the depths of winter that heralds the turning of the earth from winter to spring - from darkness into light.

I found myself reflecting on this and all the different meanings of the coming of the light. For some it will have a profound religious / spiritual significance. For others it may bring a sense of hope and optimism that from that point in December the days will gradually lengthen as we move towards spring. The natural world stirs and green shoots start to appear above the ground.

But what about the less obvious aspects of moving from darkness into light? Could it be removing the cloak that's kept you covered from the world and stepping into the light of who you really are? Making the brave decision to move out of a job or relationship that's kept you in the dark into one that brings joy and light into your life? Is it giving yourself permission to be who you know you really are - not repressed by the expectations of others? Is it by doing something outrageous to ignite a spark in yourself and in your life? What might that look and feel like?

Daily Focus

2010-11-16T13:02:01+00:00

With so many things demanding our time and attention it can be all too easy to drift through each day in a random and disorganised fashion: reacting rather than being proactive - fire-fighting instead of being focused.

So here's a tip to help make sure that each day has a clear focus. At the start of the day simply ask yourself these two questions:

1) What are the THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS that I want today to be about / that I need to focus on today?

2) What's the ONE THING I need to get done in each area?

So simple. It helps to focus you on your top three priorities and gives you a simple action plan based on those priorities. And it helps with procrastination - with such a narrow focus you're less likely to be distracted by other tasks!

If anyone else has any good tips on how to stay focused please feel free to share them.

Never Ever Give Up!

2010-10-31T17:03:32+00:00

Lang Lang is one of the most successful pianists of his generation. He performed before an audience of four and a half billion at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. He sells out concerts wherever he plays and is beloved by audiences world-wide. He was a child prodigy and extraordinary talent - yet he almost gave up playing the piano when he was nine years old.

This morning I listened to Desert Island Discs and was shocked to hear him recount the appalling story of how he was told by his piano teacher that he had no talent - that he would never make it and should give up playing the piano. So distraught was he by this rejection (and his father's harsh response to his 'failure') that he even tried to destroy his hands by hitting them against a wall. It's truly shocking, and awful to think that this phenomenal talent could have been extinguished and stamped out before it had the opportunity to flourish and be appreciated in the world.

If there was ever an example of how vital it is to persist in the face of criticism and rejection then surely this is it. Lang Lang was told he wasn't good enough and advised to quit playing the piano. The original Harry Potter manuscript by J.K. Rowling was rejected umpteen times before it was finally published and became an instant best-seller. I believe that James Dyson faced criticism and rejection many times over before his vacuum cleaner was manufactured and was a runaway success.

Is there something you love and feel passionate about doing but you've given up because of negative comments or rejection by others? Is it actually any of their business?! Persist. Go for it. Whatever it is, we need it!

Feel free to leave a comment and let us know if there's a dream you've let go of ... Maybe you've had an idea and it's been cricitised or dashed by others... You'll find support here.

Life Support

2010-10-19T14:03:37+01:00

A few weeks ago I went for a walk with friends on the Purbeck Peninsula. The day we picked for our leisurely walk happened to coincide with a race along the coast path. Anyone who has walked any portion of the Southwest Coast Path will know only too well how steep and daunting it can be and so this race looked really challenging.

At various points along the route there were strategically placed groups of stewards whose job was to show the runners which direction to take and to make sure that nobody took a wrong turn. As each runner approached these check-points (many clearly flagging and looking exhausted by the rigour of the race) they were cheered on by the on-lookers. "Well done!" "Keep going!" "You're doing really well!" Just these simple words of encouragement had an instant effect on the participants. They seemed to gather energy and strength from the support and no matter how knackered they were, for a moment they all managed a smile and no longer looked quite so exhausted.

This served as a reminder for me of how incredibly important support and encouragement are in our daily lives. If only we had strategically placed groups of people to spur us on, whether we're battling with delivering a key presentation at work or struggling to learn a new piano sonata.

It's the reason why I run support groups and why I feel so passionately about them.

Are there people in your life who support and encourage you? Do you do this for others?

The Miliband Conundrum

2010-10-05T09:06:37+01:00

After it was announced that Ed Miliband had won the contest for Labour leader a heated debate started in our household. Should Ed have run against his older brother? By doing so he effectively scuppered David's chance to hold the office he had coveted for so long.

Discussions like this can shine a light on what's important to us. Its not just a matter of politics - it's a matter of values. The more I thought about it the more I leaned towards the argument that he shouldn't have run - but that's because for me "family" is always more important than "ambition". But others think differently.

Being clear about our values is a key building block in creating a happy and fulfilling life. Knowing what's really important to us, and staying true to that, makes life choices and decisions so much easier.

Are you crystal clear about your priorities and what's truly important? If not, write a list of all the things that are important to you. You can then score each one against the rest. For example, if you have "family" and "financial success" on your list ask yourself: if I had to choose one over the other which one would I choose? Is 'family' more important than 'financial success' or vice versa? Whichever one wins, give it a mark. Carry on down the list until you've scored each item in turn and then add up the scores. You should end up with a clear list of values.

Do you think Ed should have run?

The Fertile Void

2010-05-10T15:28:22+01:00

There are times in life when we have to take risks and let go of those things we know in order to clear the space for what we truly want and what, ultimately, will nourish us.

Many years ago I received some wonderfully wise advice from Barbara Levine, a fellow student on a Masters degree course I was taking in California. At the time I was wrestling with a really tough decision. Should I, or should I not walk away from a long-term relationship? I'd been struggling with this decision for many months and felt completely paralysed. To me there was no clear answer and the more I thought about it, the more I seemed to be going round and round in circles.

I remember saying to Barbara that what scared me about the thought of leaving this relationship was that I'd be left with a giant void. Nothing. No-one special in my life and that frightened me.

After a few moment's silence Barbara suggested that instead of thinking of it as a scary, empty void, perhaps I could think of it as a Fertile Void instead.

A fertile void, where new things can take root and grow.

What a brilliant concept.

After all, if a garden is choked with weeds and brambles, you have to dig them all out and clear the space before you can plant new flowers and shrubs. In order for beautiful things to flourish, you need to clear the ground for them.

Run-down buildings may have to be demolished in order to create an inspiring new building. The incredibly inspiring Eden Project in Cornwall was created out of, literally, a hole in the ground - a perfect example of a fertile void if ever there was one.

Is there something you need to let go of? Do you need to create the space in your life for new seeds to take root and grow?

If you have an experience to share please do leave a comment.