I invite you to contact me with any questions or to discuss any information specific to your needs.

Please follow the link below to listen, download or save the audio of Master Your Juggle & Struggle Teleclass.

  Enjoy Life!

Barbara Schmitt

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 Here are three parent leadership tips to build a trusting relationship with your teen. See how you can connect the most.

 1.            Listen intently & intuitively without commenting. That is a very difficult thing to do with family! It is especially difficult in a parent and child relationship. We want to offer our wisdom to help them avoid the mistakes we might have made, often not sharing with them how those mistakes may have affected us, but on how it could affect them. In other words, not sharing how stupid we were but how stupid they are acting! As a parent it is not always wise to share all of our previous “adventures” with our teen, however, there is a bonding benefit when we can be forthright on how we might understand how they feel and that we might actually know. I believe if you take your ego out of the mix, you will know what you can share that’s appropriate for their age. I tell my kids “Your parents weren’t always as boring as we are now!”

 Here’s a parent leadership tip. If you want to share your wisdom, first find out if your teen is willing to hear it. Try asking this question, “Would you like to know what I might do?” Then listen to their answer. If they say “no”, stop talking and honor their answer. The first one or two times you do this they might test you to see if you respect their “no”. This is a chance to build trust. If you keep talking after hearing a “no” that tells them they cannot trust you and that you really do not respect their answer. When they do say “yes” that’s your chance to share your opinion in a helpful and positive way so they will feel they can trust to ask you again. And they will!

 2.            Look for what’s right and when your teen shares anything, even if superficial, but especially if deeper, show simple gratitude . . . “Thank you for sharing that with me.” or “I appreciate your telling me that. I will keep it to myself.” then stop talking! That is the most difficult thing to do . . . stop talking! Often less is more when it comes to communicating with teens. They only hear a few words before they turn you off. The words your teen often hears sounds a lot like the teacher in Charlie Brown cartoon  . . . “Wa, wa wa, wa wa!”

 Here’s a parent leadership tip. The best leaders allow their team to figure out how to work through a problem on their own. That not only builds confidence but resilience. That confidence motivates them to independently look for and find a solution. Questions to ask your teen, “What do you think about ________?” or “How do you think you should handle ________?” Then stop talking and listen to what your teen says, whether you agree or not. It’s very powerful to be able to share an opinion and have someone listen without judgment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the questions in #1 and be able to share what you know in a way your teen will hear. Remember, it doesn’t matter how valuable your words are if those words don’t get past their ears!

 3.            Ending the conversation on a positive note invites and encourages your teen to return to talk to you another day and be confident they won’t be trapped in an unwanted conversation with you.

 Here’s a parent leadership tip.  Always try to end the conversation with a sincere “I’m here if you need me.” and/or “I love you.” Then remember to stop talking! The first couple of times you do this they may look at you like you’re from another planet. That’s ok. After all, you are speaking a foreign language by not speaking as a parent nag! You may find that they will eventually look to “sit and chat” with you rather than “run the other way!” Remember that building trust with your teen is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. But it is well worth the wait and the effort!

 These tips can be adapted to build trust in other important relationships in your family and business. Please contact me with any questions or comments you may have or to learn more about coaching.

True words from a visionary! Thank you for giving us all a reason to dream outside of our iBox! Rest in peace!

My second and more reactive thought was, “They know when they’re pushing my limits! Why do they do it again and again and get me angry?”

What I realized was I was blaming them for getting me angry! I was giving them power over me and my happiness, or lack of it.

I worked with a client who would cringe at the thought of clothes shopping with her teenage son. It usually involved his wanting high-priced designer items which would cost far more than she wanted to spend. She reluctantly gave in and bought them for him, yet she didn’t see the need to own such expensive jeans and sneakers. She told me he had far too much, lost or didn’t take care of what he had, and was ungrateful.  While they shopped and argued the son would say his mom never let him get the things he wanted to buy and she was being cheap. That “cheap” comment would send my client “through the roof.” Her impending and final comment to him would then be, “You are a spoiled brat and don’t appreciate all the things you have.”  I’m sure you can imagine that the car ride home was silent and less than pleasant!

In working with this client I gained clarity as to why going shopping was such a “button pushing” event for her and her son. Apparently finances were tight, there was a threat that her husband would be downsized in the near future and she had another son in college. It took her a couple of months to pay off the credit card bill after the “shopping expedition.” It was understandable that she was stepping into the store feeling indebted before shopping.

I asked her what she thought her son’s impression was about their family lifestyle. She said he sees that they live in a large house in a very nice neighborhood. They have a built-in pool and go on at least one vacation every year. His older brother is going to a private college and they are encouraging him to consider that college or another private college. He sees that she has a cleaning lady twice a month. My client made a point of saying that she had a cleaning lady because she couldn’t keep up with the big house anymore now that she needed to work full time to help pay for everything.

As she told me what she thought her son believed about their lifestyle, she had an A-ha moment. “Wow! He probably sees compared to all of that; what’s the big deal about the clothes? I would too!” She also realized what her limits were so she could share them with her son.

Prior to the next shopping expedition she talked with her son about their household finances.  She gave him a dollar amount he could spend on clothing, told him he could buy whatever designer items he wanted and explained that they would not shop again until spring, even if the clothes were lost or damaged.

The outcome . . . My client said her teen chose some items on sale, evaluated and chose what he would like to wear the most, and took home more clothing while spending less money than previously. For the first time she had a great time shopping with her son and after they went out for lunch! What a success for both of them!

According to Stephen Covey, “We immediately become more effective when we decide to change ourselves rather than asking things to change for us.”

Think of a situation that pushes you past your limits. Who keeps pushing your limits? What is it that “bugs” you? List as many things as you can with as much detail as possible.

Look at what you wrote. What situation stands out the most to you?

In this situation what would be an acceptable limit? How can you calmly communicate that limit to the other person prior to the next time this situation arises?

What would it do for you to be able to enter this situation in the future more confidently and peacefully?

Contact me to share your thoughts & comments or if you are ready to know more about how to give your kids what they need while giving yourself what you need.

Enjoy Life Today!

Barbara Schmitt, Certified Professional Coach

Ansen Leadership Development

www.AnsenLeadership.com