Answers to Life's Most Important Questions

HOW DO YOU MAKE LICORICE CANDY?

2012-04-26T21:27:00.001-07:00

As I was eating some Twizzlers Pull n Peel candy, I thought out loud, "I wonder how I could make my own." My brother then imparted this wisdom:

You go to the store, buy some licorice, take it home, and pre heat your oven to 70• F. Put the package of licorice on a tray, and cook for--

"Haha, okay okay. But I mean REALLY, how do you make It?"

You go to the store, buy some licorice...

That went on for a while. C'mon. I know THATS not how its made. Everyone knows that licorice twists are made from the marrow of unicorn bones, but I really just want to know the exact recipe!

WISDOM OF THE NORTH

2012-04-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

This was not a question I had, but rather, one that my dad had back on our 2011 summer bike trip. It is indeed one of life's most important questions, and in to acompany it--ONE OF LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT ANSWERS.

My Dad: "My bike helmet has a bit of a crack after I dropped it. How much is that going to affect it's effectiveness?"

Canadian Bike Shop Dude: "Seven."

My Dad: "..."

Canadian Bike Shop Dude: "..."

WHAT YOU TALKIN' BOUT WILLIS?

2009-11-05T04:29:00.000-08:00

He is talking about EQUAL RIGHTS. I know it doesn't SOUND like that is what he is talking about, but listen closer.

CLOSER.

CLOOOOOOOSER.

Hear it?

"EQUALITY!" See? And I think Gary Coleman's character knew that... he just wanted to hear it again and again:

"Equality for all--Black, white, short, tall, gay, strait, happy, sad, handsome, ugly, circle, triangle, A, Z, Playstation, Xbox, Democrat, Republican, President Obama, President Bush, PC, Mac, Internet Explorer, Chrome, iPod, Zune, Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, zip-fly, button fly, Family Guy, Simpsons, front door, back door, smart people, but NOT STUPID PEOPLE. Equality for all except the stupid people. Or pets. And DEFINITELY not things that we need to kill to eat--like cows, chickens, soy plants, or apples. Equal rights for everyone EXCEPT apples n' stuff. And germs. Germs suck. No equal rights for germs OR viruses. Or songs that don't make any sense. And probably not equal rights for olympic atheletes that don't get medals--cause, then, like, what is the point of being the winner if the loosers get treated equally? EQUALITY, unless you loose at global sports, or are an apple, virus, soy plant, or stupid person."

And THAT is what Willis is talkin' bout.

WHO SHOT J.F.K?

2009-11-05T04:17:00.000-08:00

This is a big one--and the answer is staring us all in the face. JFK shot HIMSELF... in the face. But certainly not on purpose. Most people don't realize this, but aside from being the President of the United States, he was ALSO the President of the Trick-Gunslinger Union, and on that fateful day as he waved to the crowds, with his other hand he was breaking the #1 rule of the TGU, which is NEVER practice a new trick with a loaded weapon.

It was an honest mistake, and one that has caused a great deal of confusion over the years--and also an end to the TGU. John F. Kennedy was one of the finest presidents (of the US and TGU) in history, and don't you forget it.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK?

2009-11-05T02:32:00.000-08:00

This is a question that haunts many of us. And we all have to ask ourselves at one point in our lives. WHERE? THE HELL? IS IT!?

The answer, my dear readers, is simple.

Mankind, at one point early on, discovered that their lips were quite flawed. Due to various environmental factors, the human lips dry up and get all crackly, and peely, and uncomfortable. An example of this can be noted in reference to the pop culture icon, Napoleon Dynamite, when he proclaims eloquently, "But my lips hurt real bad!"

Well this early culture's lips also hurt real bad, and they blamed the sun. This was a conflict of interest because the sun also happened to be personified as THE God of Gods. The wise shaman of the land created a soothing lip balm that would temporarily moisten and sooth the lips of all who suffered the wrath of the sun, or the wind, or any other element that seemed to dry out lips. It was, in essense, the first anti-God, if you will.

Well, as it turns out, the Sun IS the God of Gods, and he gets PISSED OFF when you use chapstick, so when the sun sets and then turns into the tooth fairy for his night job, he uses his same tooth fairy powers that he uses to break-and-enter into your home for the "Pocket Change for Old Rotten Teeth" program enstated by the Theodore Rosevelt administration to boost the economy (which inspired the "Cash For Clunkers" program enstated by the Obama administration in 2009), and he takes your chapstick, and locks it in the firy depths of Hell.

What a freaking crybaby. Anyway, those are the facts. The answer to "WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK," is, in Hell. FOR ETERNITY. Just go buy yourself another chapstick cause you know you are not EVER going to find...

Oh wait, I just found it under my jacket. Yeah, maybe just check under stuff. Or in your other pants pockets.