Antisocial Social Worker

Time Makes a Difference

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 12:29:41 PDT

I am doing better.
There are some changes that have really helped, but there is still a lot of work to do. Reading therapy related books and blogs only at work has really helped. I've discovered some great fiction and have done some fun things lately. I will occasionally check my work email, but try to avoid it at all cost. There's little I can't handle later.
I am still feeling somewhat lost in all of this. Why I have chosen to come to this place is a mystery, but I'm discovering more and more of how to get out of it. I've always wanted to know the why and still seek it, but what the hell. Doesn't it get to some point where you say fuck it?
It's interesting about some of the realizations that have come up for me that may be helpful in the future. My desire to write. My uncomfortableness around men. My laziness. My desire for freedom and escape. The one place I want to live in the future. My food issues. So much.
I still look over to that other chair while I am working and see myself way too much. While this isn't always a bad thing, it's hurting me right now. On the other side of the coin, it's also what makes me a good therapist.
Ok, enough stream of consciousness writing for now. It's interesting as I write this and think about wanting to write. It's always been somewhat of a struggle translating what is going on in my head to paper or keyboard. I wonder what THAT means... ;)

Off the Beaten Path

antiswer@gmail.com — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 09:38:38 PDT

In this small journey, I've found that I have been able to get off the usual path, but have also discovered that my first resort is past paths that I've taken previously. I've been trying to learn more about myself as a personal individual, rather than as my "want to heal myself healer" and have found myself at past interests and points in time that I'm not even sure I want to be.

For example, after I have up the psychology blogs and books, I went back to reading authors that I'd read before and playing games I had before. Went right back to that as a replacement. That seems good, but isn't it just a well worn path I'm falling back into? If that was nourishing for me before, would I not have stuck with it? What am I getting from it? So many questions, but what good do the answers do me?

I'm wavering now between thoughts of going with the process, or realizing that the process is just another groove that's trying to trap me. And of course, I'm also stuck in my over-thinking pattern. And here I am, off to work in a few short hours. Sigh...

Lost

antiswer@gmail.com — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 09:39:05 PDT

No, not the show, the feeling of it.

I feel lost right now. My well worn paths have been intentionally barricaded to some extent, but my head wants back on. Anxiety pops up and the familiar refrain of knowing more and being better and thinking about it a longer time takes over. That feeling of not good enough. Less than. Need more. Argh...

I've learned something interesting about myself so far, though. For the longest time, I've not liked music. Something never really clicked with me. Lately, I've found myself getting more and more songs stuck in my head. It's a coverup. It's hiding something behind it that I don't understand. Fear or worry or something. I notice it a lot when I'm trying to get work out of my head. I stop thinking of work and some horrible song jumps in. What's worse? Hell if I know right now. I'm pretty sure this is damn well connected to my dislike of music, though. Ha. Ya think?

So yeah, I'm lost. It's as if I've thrown away all my maps and I'm trying to wander to a place that I want to be, but I keep gravitating back to the paths. I turn away in disgust and then end up back there a few minutes later. I guess this is change in progress, in some way. I'll tell you what else it is. Fucking uncomfortable.

How To Let Your Profession Define You

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 11:17:48 PDT

I have this wonderful topic to write about, but as I sit to write it, I don't know where to start. It is an experience that I am having right now and it stems way back to years and years ago. Do I start back then? Do I start in the present? Do I just jump around to whatever comes up? I honestly don't know the answer.

I think I will start with why the title of this post came to me. I realized after coming back from vacation that this is what has happened to me. My identity is wrapped up around my role as a social worker/ counsellor, psychotherapist so much that I don't know what happens when I take that away from me. I got a glimpse of what it is like to not be wrapped up in it for about 6 days while on vacation and I really liked it. It put me in a difficult place, to be honest. When I got back, I dreaded taking my role up again. I didn't have to worry. I had no part in it, as my role took ME up.

I think I need to stay a bit in the abstract now as I begin this. I'm not sure if I will publish all of my words on this subject, but I'll try to. There are a couple things that caught my eye that helped me take the different path that I am now taking and I would like to point those out. It really started last year with a comment on my About Me page.

My 'take' on your asocialness (and perhaps I say this because I have a similar take) is that we are searching for intimacy from our clients that for one reason or another (attachment issues?) we are unable to get from those around us.

That got me thinking. At first I was a bit taken aback and then a bit angry. Not me, I said! I'm past those issues! I've done a lot of work on myself. Then I began to question.

After that, it snuck up again. It was one of those things I would have only realized and would hit me after I have seen it before. You know, like when you hear a word for the first time and then you hear that word three more times that week. This time, it was on the wonderful blog Monkeytraps from this post:

In talking about hiding from intimacy and connection, fritzfreud writes:

Eventually, when I had to leave the cave to make a living, I looked around for some way to do so which would allow me to stay mostly in hiding.
I became a therapist.
Looking back on that choice now, I see two things that made therapy appealing. The first was knowledge. I loved the idea of becoming a magus, a magician of the mind, possessor of arcane understanding and skills that would enable me to transmute (and so rise above) the common run of human misery.
The second was invulnerability. Doing therapy seemed a terrific way to get really close to people without having to risk criticism or rejection or abandonment. To make contact without making contact, so to speak.
Guess what?
It worked.

This one really hit me. Hard. Yet still, I avoided making changes. I avoided facing the fear. The shame.

And then I had to. I got back from vacation and I was getting anxious about my work and how it consumed me. And then I looked at my life, in the present and the past. And so then I made some changes. I think to end this post, I will let you know some of the changes I've made and then maybe I'll talk about them more, in this post and later.

I've deleted all of the therapy, psychology and social work links from my computer.
I no longer follow any psychology/social work/therapy blogs.
I've created a new Twitter account that includes no therapy, psychology or social work.
I've stopped reading books related to psychology, therapy or social work at home.
I've started doing, or at least looking for, activities that I enjoy doing that are unrelated to work.
I'm trying to see myself, when at work, as good enough. At home, too, but with a different slant.
I'm trying to find my place in a more wholistic way. It's not easy.

I looked back and found that from the age of 14, I've been reading self help books. That led into psychology books. That led into working in the helping profession. That led into social work. BSW, MSW, various trainings. That led into my present counselling/therapy job. I really thought I was doing this because I was meant to. All my paths led here and it was a GOOD thing. Now I'm not so sure. Yes, the paths led me here, but is it the best, or even a good, place to be for me? It seems to point to my being here with a purpose of trying to understand my life. Yes, that's important on some level, but is it a way to live your life? There's this quote that I've hung onto. "You're born, you deconstruct your life and then you die. Haha, but no thanks. It's a difficult reality to face that I'm facing this now. Especially since I thought I had already faced it!

So now I look back think about what I've missed. What could I have been? What were other directions? What did I not allow myself to see with my focus so intent on being where I am today?

I'm not leaving social work. I am very good at what I do and I still enjoy it (sometimes for the wrong reasons) and want to continue. I'm trying to make the right changes so that I can exist as ME, not as a psychology/therapy/counselling/social work obsessed person.

I don't know where this is leading. I really don't. And I'm trying to be okay with that. Success is limited with that, to be sure!

"I Didn't Go Into This For The Money"

antiswer@gmail.com — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 20:12:17 PDT

Whenever I hear this phrase from a social worker (or a nurse, or forensic psychologist, or a counsellor), a little alarm goes off in my head. I buy into it a bit because it's what we've been told in our culture and schooling. Social Workers are underpaid and scrape by, but do the work for the love of it. That's what we're told. I totally bought into it and even catch myself repeating it on occasion. However, it doesn't totally ring true for me.

Yes, I imagine that if I wanted to make more money, there are other professions I COULD have gone into. But it's really not that simple. I wouldn't have survived in business. I'm not the type of person that could. I have no mind for numbers. I have no interest in some of the hard sciences. I'm far too fragile to be in most trades. I can barely cook for myself! Ok, so where am I going to make this money? What could I have done and succeeded in enough so that I'm making more than I am now. Also, what would I have to spend so that I could survive the tediousness of that existence? How much would be left? What would I have to spend to keep myself healthy?

No, I didn't specifically go into social work for the money. If I were a different person, I could have made a hell of a lot more money in different professions. On the whole, however, I don't think there is another profession where I could be satisfied enough so that I wouldn't have to spend a lot of money to cope with that profession. My skill set will let me grow in this profession so that I will make money. I am not a poor social worker and I have no reason to think that I ever will be.

Yes, maybe this is some pie in the sky thinking, but it's what I'm holding to. I may not make 6 figures (yet) but I'm much more successful in so many ways than I ever would be as an accountant...that's for sure! No, I didn't go into this (completely) for the money. I went into it because it fit.

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

The Slow Adjustment

antiswer@gmail.com — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 10:30:20 PST

Things are definitely moving. Slowly, but they are moving. As I stated in my previous post, my former job was a bit less challenging than I needed, as well as a bit too laid back and slow for where I wanted to be. I've now been in my new job for just over two weeks and it's a slow build, but it's moving. I've had as many client sessions in these first two weeks here as I would sometimes have in a month at my old job, and I'm really just building my caseload right now. I've taken on a new role that is quite foreign to me on an interim basis, but that will allow me to fill my time a little bit and it will also help me build my caseload.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but my new job is at a place where I did one of my practicum placements. Due to this, the transition is a little bit different than starting a job that I've had no contact with before. I know some of the procedures, but there is still a lot to learn and different things I need to know. What has been nice is that I know most of the people there and so there hasn't been much of that first time meeting awkwardness. I'm enjoying being a bit busier than I was, and I look forward to being even busier than I've probably ever been!

Just a quick note about a book I'm reading right now. I think I mentioned Daniel Siegel and his work on Mindsight. I had listened to a series of podcasts that he contributed to and it appeared to be a wonderful addition to the field of counselling. I have been working through his book, Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation and am really enjoying it. He gives a lot of case examples and ties them into neuroscience. It's really good to see the linkages that he talks about and how he goes about it. Next up is one of his other books, The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician's Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. From my brief look at it, it provides a rationale for why therapists should practice Mindsight (mindfulness, really) in order to connect more closely with our clients as well as not get wrapped up in their stories.

Time for me to get ready for work. Another slowish day, but we'll see what comes out of the woodwork!

Where I Am Now

antiswer@gmail.com — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 09:28:50 PST

In my last post, I talked a little bit about some of the struggle I was having in my professional life. Ok, not so much talked about it, but alluded to it. Well, just before the holidays I did some real introspection and thought about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I came to the conclusion that the job I had really wasn't where I was supposed to be. I went back to school for all those years, all those years ago, essentially, to do counselling. Social work was the right path for me to get there and I have no regrets going that route. When I graduated, I had a job present itself to me that was a major interest of mine, both personally and professionally. It still is. But it simply wasn't challenging enough. It was narrow when what I need is wide.There was not enough variety or change or even work. I need some scope. When it got busy, it was busy enough, but that was few and far between. The thing about it is that it's a very necessary program that I am very glad is in place. I just wasn't the guy for the job.

So now, it's moving on and moving...over. The job I found replace this one isn't really any better overall. It will just be better for me. This job will give me a wide range of counselling experience with a variety of issues. I will do groups, individual, family, couples and workshops. It will be a lot busier and challenging, but I'm ready for that. I've always seen myself as someone who would do well at a laid back job where I had some room to just do nothing for a little while a day. I had that and it's not for me. It's really not as great as people think!

So as of right now, I am waiting to start my new job. I've been lazing around the house, watching movies, reading and napping. It's nice to have a break, but I want to get going!

So that's my story. I left a job that I loved because it just wasn't right. It's the first time I've done that and even right now, it's difficult. Heart wrenching, even. Has anyone else had a similar experience in their career?

Of Interest to me Lately

antiswer@gmail.com — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 08:46:18 PST

This after graduation period is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It is a very weird feeling not having something due for school that I previously had to worry about. While my job has been occupying my time wonderfully (I'm 6 months in), the change in dynamics of my life can be a bit disconcerting at times. With school, you do have projects that are due constantly, but you also have a considerable amount of downtime. Every three months, you'd get a break for at least a couple weeks. With work, that does NOT happen. It's go go go. It's all a bit confusing. However, it's good to actually have some money now. I haven't had savings for a good 6 years!

Anyways, that's just a little stream of consciousness blurting. My point in posting was to get a few things I'm interested in lately out there.

Today is Survivors of Suicide Day. It is an important day of healing for those who have lost someone to suicide. You can find out more about this day and even watch a broadcast of the day HERE.

I have recently discovered Dan Siegel and his work on Mindsight. It is a mindfulness approach that he has developed and created theory around that is incredibly interesting. You can find some of his work and meditations at his website. As well, I just finished listening to a talk he gave at the Upaya Zen Center on his approach and highly recommend it. You can find all of the podcasts HERE. I've just ordered his books and am looking forward to reading them. One is called Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation and the other is The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician's Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. I'll try to give them a bit of a review after I read them.

On a personal/professional level, I'm struggling with choices lately. My clients constantly struggle with whether they made the right choices or whether they are making the right future choices and I can really relate lately. My life has changed so much from a few years ago that I can hardly recognize it a lot of the time. I'm happy with where I am professionally, but I wonder if it's the place I'm supposed to be in order to move forward. I'm comfortable with the struggle (surprisingly) but I know I'll have to come to terms with it eventually. So complicated.

And there is another entry in my very occasional blog! Finis!

Current Schizophrenia Research

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 09:05:58 PDT

I thought I'd pass along this information to my readers. The journal Current Directions in Psychological Science is opening up their current issue to the general public. The issue theme is schizophrenia, and it has a few really interesting articles. Here's the LINK.

An Update on a Bunch of Things

antiswer@gmail.com — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 21:34:48 PDT

It's so funny coming back to writing on here after all this time. It simply slipped away in a worry of not wanting to identify people I work with (or myself, for that matter) and simply not having the time. Well, the time has come to at least throw an update out there.
Previously, I mentioned a kind of dream job that I applied for. Well, even though I didn't tell you all, I got it and have been working in it for a few months now. I'm wary to give details about it, as it is a pretty specialized program and explaining what it is, combined with my location would definitely give my identity away. I'm really not sure how to proceed on that front, to be honest. Anyways, after a slow start, I'm really loving it there. I'm finding my way through the complexity of it and enjoying it immensely.
On another front, my schooling is officially completed! I recently successfully defended my final project and am officially an MSW. Watch out, world! I'm here to...well, do stuff, I guess.
I'm really not sure where this blog will go from here. I'm not sure how to write about the things I would want to write about without giving myself away. I'll have to think about it.
Anyways, I hope you are all well. I'm still around and checking on other blogs, though my comments are sparse these days. We'll see how it goes.

Sincerely,
antiSWer, MSW

Another Reason To Avoid Walmart

antiswer@gmail.com — Wed, 05 May 2010 11:19:13 PDT

Time Lapse: 24 Hours Inside A Walmart - The Consumerist

Disclaimer: I do shop at Walmart occasionally. :( As little as possible.

Welcome to Costco!

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 02 May 2010 09:14:09 PDT

I love Idiocracy, and this is probably the best scene. Not very social worky related, but it's worth spending 12 seconds of your time watching the clip!

The Best Laid Plans...

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 18:04:52 PDT

It's difficult to believe that my MSW program is winding down. I just completed one major paper and have one more due for this semester. My internship is completed, 600 hours worth, and I'm amazed to say that it is the first one that I really did not burn out on. The others, when I came to the end, I just wanted to be done with about a month to go. This one, it took until the last frustrating day that I just wanted to be out of there, but I'd gladly go back (for pay) at any time. The others, I can't make that claim so boldly.
In reference to the title, I really did want to blog about my experiences, but when I went to do it, I felt very odd about it. Some of the more experienced bloggers who use cases have to teach a course about how to feel more comfortable with the process. I just don't have it in me.
So what's next for me. Well, I have two more classes in the spring semester, and my case study project to complete in order to complete my MSW. On the work front, I have a contract to do a monthly workshop that will pay a little bit, and also have my feelers out for another couple opportunities. One of them is a bit of a dream job, so cross your fingers for that one.
Ok, that's it for now. I'd say that I'll try to blog more, but the reality is that I probably won't. I think I've found my occasional blog post here and there niche, and I'm sticking to it! :p

What if? (A post by Jung At Heart)

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 13:25:19 PDT

Something about a recent post at Jung At Heart really resonated with me. In my work, I struggle with working within the medical model, and with the DSM-IV, etc. While our work is based in research and theory, there is something more to is that keeps it separate. At least in my opinion. Anyways, here is the post, and a small excerpt from it that I liked:

What if? @ Jung At Heart

I wonder what would happen if someone presented at a conference suggesting that psychotherapy should not be in the medical model at all? That maybe psychotherapy belongs in a wholly different category, somewhere in the neighborhood of education, spiritual development, and personal growth? What if we stopped trying to prove scientifically that the relationship in therapy is healing? What if we gave credence to self-report by patients that therapy had helped them? What if we stopped considering problems in living, which is what most people coming for therapy are struggling with, as illnesses? What if we considered treatment of major depression and other problems responsive to psychotropic medications as belonging to one field and psychotherapy to another one altogether? What if?

Review: The Paradox of Choice

antiswer@gmail.com — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 11:21:40 PDT

   I've had this book in my sidebar for quite some time now, and to be honest, I finished it a while ago and have read a couple others since. However, I would like to revisit it a little bit, because I think it has such value.
   What the book is about is how society today is being inundated with choice, from jeans to food to education to jobs, and while we view choice as a great thing, it can really be detrimental to our lives. When we have more than a few choices, we get confused, and then when we do decide, doubt enters our mind and we enjoy what we chose less.
This book feels personal to me because I've struggled a long time with too much choice. think for me, choice puts me in a corner and so I don't make a move. Other times, I doubt my choices and feel bad about my decision.
   Looking professionally, I can see how this might impact our client's lives, too. On one side, we see people with very limited choices, but on the other hand, there are the people with a lot of choices that are simply unsatisfied. Also on the professional side, we have over 400 different types of therapies to pick and choose from in helping our clients. The phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none" comes to mind.
   All in all, this book we interesting, well written and informative. I would recommend it to anyone who reads here.

Followup to "Kids on Antipsychotics"

antiswer@gmail.com — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 18:01:52 PST

In a recent post, I wrote a bit about kids on anti-psychotics, and a related story. There's a follow up to this and it has some relation to the new revisions being proposed for the DSM. I thought since the past article was referenced here, there might be some out there that would like the rest of the story. Here's the article:

Child Psychiatric Diagnosis on Trial

A Plug: Life of a Social Worker

antiswer@gmail.com — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 21:09:58 PST

I don't have a lot to say about this post that I want to offer, other than it really touched me. It's a great way about how to think about how we define success with clients: A Gift

Random Thoughts, Again.

antiswer@gmail.com — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 09:01:42 PST

I tend to think these random post posts are more my style, for now. There's so much going on, and I'm so busy, that I just can't sit down and really delve into a post. I don't think I ever have, actually. Huh, interesting to get out on the screen, to admit that. Anyways, here's some random thoughts from the past little while.

I'm disappointed that I won't get the group experience that I wanted out of this internship. I did get one opportunity to co-facilitate, and am having another opportunity to observe, but the co-facilitation was weird and rushed, and the observation is just that, observing. Bleh.
I love the variety of clients that I have. I want to work in private practice one day, and am concerned that I won't get the same range of clients. Is private practice the realm of the "worried well"?
Some people may have noticed that I'm reading Irvin Yalom's The Gift of Therapy, listed on my sidebar. I just finished it the other day, and I can honestly say it will be a reference book for the future. So much wisdom and so much heart. It is what therapy is about, IMO. I love it and recommend it.
I am reading currently about symptom coherence, the idea that each symptom that we want to get rid of has a coherent reason for existing, and our job is to find that reason and bring it to light. It's not a new idea, but it really speaks to some previous ideas that I had about life. I think Satir had some similar ideas...

Ok, that's it for now. I'm off to do some reading and maybe relax in preparation for tomorrow. I have a full day ahead of me. :)

What about Self Help?

antiswer@gmail.com — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 11:33:33 PST

So what about Self Help. We walk into a major bookstore these days, and there are rows upon rows of self help books. There are books for every flavor of problem that we may have, but do they work? I think it depends on many different variables. What's the motivation level? Is it the right fit? Can the book help you into the emotional realm, or is it all in the cognitive realm?

There's this blog article on self help that I thought interesting enough to share. The writer talks about the science (or lack of it) behind some of these techniques, and plugs his book. Here's the post: The Self-Help Psychologist Is In

Let me know what you think.

Coolest Psychotherapy Intervention

antiswer@gmail.com — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 13:03:12 PST

I've been following this blog post on the Psychology Today blog area about psychotherapy interventions. He's doing a countdown, and so far, has three posted, along with a related post discussing it.

Lately, I've been exploring more and more what will work in what I'm doing, and have used The Miracle Question, at the very least. I thought a few of you might be interested in this post, as he does his countdown. Here is the post: The Ten Coolest Therapy Interventions

I shy away from overt interventions, unless it really fits into the flow of a session. I can't say I yet have a favorite one that I use often. Does anyone have a favorite intervention that they want to share, either from using it, or having experienced it in therapy?

Kids on Antipsychotics

antiswer@gmail.com — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 09:11:15 PST

I can't tell you how disturbed I am by the increasing trend to put kids on antipsychotics, and ever increasing psychiatric medications. Isn't Ritalin bad enough? There is little to no research on the efficacy of this with children, yet their increase grows all the time. I wonder what the side effects will be on this generation of children raised on these medications.

Here is the story that sparked this small rant: Social worker says she warned family

I worked in Youth Mental Health, and while I know there were young kids that came in that were troubled, I don't remember seeing any that I thought powerful drugs were a necessity FOR THEM. Am I just blind to a growing reality? I'm not dismissing that possibility, but I find it hard to believe that a 4 year old needs Seroquel....

Doubt and Affirmation

antiswer@gmail.com — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 16:41:30 PST

Before the holiday break, I was on track, in gear and rolling. For the first time, a placement was really working for me and I didn't want it to be over, as I have with all three of my other placements. While I enjoyed elements of all three of those other practicum, when I got a couple months in, I wanted out! This time, that wasn't happening.

Cue holiday break. In that time, I had time for reflection, further reading, discussing what I was doing, as well as some freedom. I was able to put my internship out of my mind for a well needed rest. Well, a couple weeks in, the doubt started in on me. Was I doing the right thing? Am I any good at this? Should I really go the route that I often joke about and go into accounting? Sigh...

Well, yesterday was the day I got back on track. I saw a couple clients that I've had some real success with, and got some solid feedback that let me know that I was doing a good job. I really needed that.

More Library Social Work!

antiswer@gmail.com — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 09:21:41 PST

A while back, I made a post about library social work that had piqued my interest. It would be a dream job for me, as I love libraries, and well, I'm a social worker! Well, today I saw a post in my reader about the same topic!

Maybe it's catching on!

Here's the original article.

Chaos

antiswer@gmail.com — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:37:34 PST

I'm not very good at end of year postings. I set goals and then don't go through with them, there's no real order to my life, and while I do try to be inwardly reflective, I have a difficult time expressing that. So while this is my end of year post, it's really not. I don't think...

Last year, I set some goals for myself. One of them was to get accepted to a MSW program and choose one. Well, that happened, so yay to me. :) One of my other goals was to post at least weekly. I came up short on that one. The other goal was to read at least 26 books in the year. I can honestly say that I have no idea whether I met that or not. I tried to count up the books that I read, and I have no clue. I think I did it, but I really can't be sure. To be honest, it's not a big deal to me. I've accomplished a lot this past year, and if I didn't meet some goals, I'm okay with that.

So what are my goals for this year? Concrete goals? Well, let's start with finishing my MSW. Ok, there's that. And I want to read some books and watch some movies. And do some yoga. And walk. Yeah, that's about it. So much for SMART goals... :p

Ok, and now a little bit of introspection. In my early teens, up to my mid 20s, I wanted to be a writer. I wrote some stories, even entered a couple small contests, but I never wrote consistently. I didn't do the things I would have to do to be successful. I've also wanted to keep a journal, or write a blog consistently. I've tried, and always given up. I was thinking about this a little while back, and figured out a little bit about why I don't do it. I have this desire to be profound. My writing is rarely, if ever, profound. I also fear that if I do write something that I believe to be profound, I will find out that it isn't, or that it's simply trite. I don't want that. I want to be special! Unique! Sigh... I don't know what to do with this, but I'm working on it. I'm not going to commit to anything right now, but I'm hoping to work towards just being able to be more than having to be special. For now, I'll leave the fantastic writing to people like Lola. I would sacrifice my right pinkie finger to be able to write like her...

As for the blog post title, that is my theme for this coming year. I am embracing chaos in my life, and going with it. In my internship, I am learning that life is not about being happier, or achieving your potential, or attracting more positivity to your life. That is a part of it, but life really is about learning to let go and embrace the chaos that is an inevitable part of it. My light, my shadows, my fuzziness and my darkness are a part of me, and to try to rid myself of any of them is a denial of myself. So forget about learning ways to cope. It's all about learning ways to just be. (ha, and here's my doubt arising...is that just trite? sure, but what the hell...)

Happy New Year, peeps. I'm off to brave the cold.

Merry Xmas, Everyone!

antiswer@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 09:08:01 PST