But you only share a small percentage of what you think with other people. Most of that stuff you ‘discuss’ with yourself.

You don’t do this like a schizophrenic talking to a building though. It’s subtle. In fact, it all happens in your head.

Now, think about how many times a day you have anxious thoughts. What do you tell yourself when you’re anxious?

When I had high anxiety I’d think things like, “What if anxiety causes me to have a heart attack?” “Can I survive a heart attack?” “Will it hurt?” You get the drift, right? It can go on like this in perpetuity.

The things you tell yourself, either silently or out loud, is called self-talk, and it matters. Negative self-talk is a fantastic way to increase anxiety, lower self-confidence, and prolong your experience with abnormal anxiety.

Anxious self-talk is filled with negative bias and distorted perceptions of reality. It’s one giant lie on top of another. Over time this colors your view of the world and your potential future in a way that seems realistic. This tends to be true even if you know that your anxious perceptions are way off base.

Here’s what I recommend:

Be aware. When anxiety strikes it’s easy, way too easy, to fall under the spell of fear and prophecy. Instead, when you have anxious thoughts pay attention to what you tell yourself – take note in fact.

Then, challenge what you’re telling yourself. For example, when I used to have chest pain and became anxious I’d ask myself, “Do I have heart disease?” “Do I have any other indicators of heart attack?” “Has my doctor ever told me to change something because he thought I was at risk of a heart attack?”

In my case, the answer to all those questions was no. The point is to challenge your negative self-talk with what you know is happening and not what your best guess is. Big difference.

The hope is that you’ll be able to come up with alternatives to the doom and gloom that you tell yourself is going to happen. At first, it’s going to feel like your wasting your time since anxiety will continue to hound you.

This, however, will start to change if you stick with it. In other words, be patient with yourself.

This is a huge deal. I think that we construct our own realities based on how we interpret the world. Self-talk has a lot to do with that process. Think about it: if you always told yourself that you mattered more than other people then how would you act toward others?

Maybe you’d be a greedy person with a nasty disposition. But what if you told yourself that other people do have value and what happens to them does matter? What would you be like then? Different, right?

Be careful what you tell yourself because that will become your reality. Be kind to yourself and tell yourself what you’d like to happen versus punishing yourself with fear-based assumptions.

Try it and you’ll notice a big difference.

Psychologist Jerome Kagan of Harvard has said that many of these ‘high-reactors’ tend to grow up nervous.  They worry a lot, feel insecure, and some even develop anxiety disorders.

There are those that don’t believe in a genetic basis for high anxiety, but you know what? I’m not one of them.

I believe that some folks are wired for anxiety. I sure as hell am. When I was a kid I used to get attacks of diarrhea before social events and hated meeting new people.

So the question isn’t if some people are born anxious, the question of interest is: Is it a life sentence? I’ll say this much, if you have an anxious personality chances are that you will always be more anxious than ‘normal’ people.

That, however, doesn’t mean that you can’t bring your anxiety under control. In other words, you might be a little uneasy from time to time, but you can still live your life without panic attacks, intense worry, and random physical symptoms.

I put together a new podcast to tackle this issue and answer some questions I got by email. To listen just click on the ‘Listen’ icon below.

I say that because most people who read this blog are anxiety experts that stay anxious despite their impressive knowledge. All you have to do is read the comments on my most recent article to verify this.

The power of anxiety, worry, negative thinking, and hopelessness are such that no matter what you know, it’s not always enough to keep anxiety away.

What helps more, I think, is to develop an impressive knowledge base and couple that with acceptance.

Acceptance allows you to do what seems like the impossible, which is to relax your attitude toward anxiety symptoms, anxious thoughts, panic attacks, and all the rest of it.

Acceptance allows you to suspend your need to find out what happens next. It gives you the confidence to stop analyzing every aspect of your mind and body. In short, it let’s you put your guard down so you can rest.

My new eBook, The Big Idea, will show you how to do just that.

The Big Idea goes into detail about what acceptance is, how it works, and how you can use it to stop abnormal anxiety.

When I wrote my first eBook, How to Stop Anxious Thinking, I was focused on the facts.

But since then, I realized that you need to learn how to accept your abnormal anxiety just as much as you need to learn about adrenaline, the flight or flight response, or the nervous system. Acceptance is crucial.

To learn more about acceptance and my new eBook listen to my latest podcast below.

I know that for me it was the sense that anxiety symptoms would somehow hurt me, either physically or mentally. I had a hard time convincing myself that anxiety wasn’t dangerous. But, in time, I learned how to defeat this pattern. So I wrote about it.

My new eBook, The Big Idea, deals with this important problem. The problem I’m talking about is resistance. Resistance to information, advice, even intuition, that all tell you that you’re going to be OK.

For several reasons you haven’t been able to link what you know with how you feel. In short, you haven’t been able to accept your abnormal anxiety. I’d like to know why.

As part of my eBook launch I’m going to do a podcast about resistance, acceptance, and the role that both these forces play in your high anxiety.

I want to get a good idea of what you think is keeping you where you are right now, so I can discuss issues that will resonate and provide important insights.

Then, I’m going to give up to 5 luck y readers a free copy of my new eBook for providing awesome answers.

OK, I admit that is a bribe, but the question is important, so I don’t mind. I want you to start thinking about your situation in a new way. The hope is that this will also cause you, and others, to think about new solutions.

It’s too easy, and not all that productive, to only ask, “How can I stop palpitations?” That question does have merit, but in the big scheme of things it’s the wrong question to focus on.

OK, with that, take a few minutes to provide your answer in the comments section below. And remember, you can use a fake name, give a short answer, a long answer, use humor, whatever.

The important part, is that you think about your answer. Look inside yourself and be honest. After everything you’ve done, read, and asked: Why do you stay anxious?

Note: Please provide a valid email address when you comment so that if you win I can send the eBook to the right place. Good luck!

Update

Just want to let you know that entries will only be accepted until Monday March, 5 2012.

I also want to thank everyone that has posted a response so far. Your answers have been insightful and filled with useful information for someone who is struggling to understand abnormal anxiety.

Update

Alright, the winners are in! And they are, in no particular order…

NM

Brian

Linda

Sylvia

Jo

Congratulations to you all. I hope you enjoy the eBook. Your entries all spoke to the issue of why people stay anxious in a concise but meaningful way. It just shows that anxiety can affect all of us in different ways, while keeping us in the same place. Great insights.

I also want to thank everyone that sent in an entry, I appreciate the thought and effort put in each one.

And don’t forget that my eBook will be offered at a discount for those on my email list. If you’re not already signed up, just head over to the top right of this site and enter your first name and email address.

I joined Anxiety Gal and her co-host Holly (pictured left) to talk about my past anxiety problems, what I did to get better, and about my work at Anxiety Guru.

At one point during the segment, Holly put me on the spot and asked me to explain abnormal anxiety in just a few minutes, and I’m glad she did.

It gave me a chance to give a spontaneous and honest answer to a question that I’ve wrestled with for years. I usually don’t have a chance to get introspective about what I do at AG, but this interview was a great opportunity to that and deliver my message in a nutshell.

So, if you have about 15 minutes, listen to my segment and share your thoughts in the comments section below.

That head game tends to happen over and over again. Even if you tell yourself, everyday, that you’re not going to let anxiety do that to you.

That’s why I was surprised when I stopped doing it. But I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t do it consciously. Actually, it happened on accident.

How could that be?

Well. Every now and then I used to wake up suddenly in the middle of the night with palpitations. I’d run through my house and play the head game. I remember standing in my living room, clutching my chest, and thinking: I’m going to die, but I’ll probably be alright. I did that for a long time.

That is until one night, when things changed.

After jumping out of bed and sprinting to the living room, yet again, I realized that it was 3 a.m. and that I was tired. Too tired to be panicked. So I went back to bed. I didn’t even think about it. I just did.

The next morning I was amused that my tiredness had beat out my anxiety, but I also learned an important lesson. I realized that before that night, when I would sit and wonder about whether or not anxiety was going to kill me, I chose to do that. 

I never knew I had a choice. I’d always surrender to anxious thoughts, and ‘what if’ scenarios, because I thought I had to.

On that night though, I rejected the panic, the palpitations, and the thoughts whizzing through my head. I was able to do that because I made it an option. Shoot, at that point it was the only option.

I tried the same thing a few times after that. Then, it stopped. My midnight adventures stopped.

I’m not suggesting that you sleep when you get anxious. I mean that you have a lot more to do with being anxious than you think. It’s true that anxiety often comes without an invitation, but it’s you that won’t tell it that’s it’s time to go home.

What’s important is how you decide to react to your anxiety. That’s what dictates how bad things get. The more you sit and think about it, the more you imagine what might happen, the stronger your anxiety will become.

Then, of course, there’s hindsight. Now I know that I was stuck in a pattern. That I felt more anxious at night because that’s when a body at rest gets a chance to feel the anxiety that was there all day.

I also realized that none of those midnight adventures ever killed me. And that the effects of anxiety never changed. So why stress about it?

When you get anxious at night (or anytime), continue as if nothing is wrong. Try not to change what you’re doing, or what you plan on doing.

Eventually, anxiety will leave you alone because there won’t be anything for it to do, literally.

You might be thinking that’s too easy. But I promise you that there’s no need for it to be hard.

It’s always been far more important to me to reach out to you and share what I know.

The hope has always been to write something or produce a podcast that spoke to you on some basic, but relevent level.

But all good intentions aside, sometimes I guess as to what you want. Honestly, I don’t know what that is.

I’ve been in your shoes, so I have some idea. I know that you want to know about chest pain, or some other anxiety symptom. I know that you want to get  quick reminders that you’re going to be OK sometimes.

But you are unique. I want to know what YOU want.

When you come to AG what are you looking for?

What kind of information do you need? How do you want it presented? What will help you?

It matters because you matter to me. I don’t care about creating generic content. I want to publish work that makes a positive change in your life, no matter how slight that is.

I’ve poured my heart and soul into this site. I have. Now I need your help. Why?

Well, because I want to continue to get better at what I do. So please take 2 minutes and tell me what you’re thinking in the comments section below.

Thank you.

Paul

They’re convinced that anxiety is going to kill them. I reckon that you can relate to this feeling too.

When I get these emails I feel bad because I know they don’t need to feel that way.

I try to help, but I’m not sure that I’m always successful in my attempts to ease their fears.

So, I’d like to try one more time in this post.

It’s important to get a handle on your anxiety symptoms because they distract you from using all the useful tips you find online and elsewhere.

Think about how many times you’ve discovered some great bit of advice and had its calming affects smashed by chest pain, palpitations, or whatever.

I remember being convinced that I was anxiety free many, many, times only to find a little later that a headache could still cause me to jump online and look for reasons for my impending death or insanity. It was a never-ending loop.

You  focus on anxiety symptoms because it’s the only thing you can hang on to. It’s the only proof of what is otherwise a mysterious force. So it makes sense that you do that.

Still, it’s far more helpful to think about why you’re anxious. It could be because of your job, relationships, worry, or maybe because you’re sensitive to stress.

I once heard someone say that he didn’t feel as though he should be anxious. That’s a common feeling, but there is a reason. There always is.

The problem is that most of us, you included, don’t want to deal with the issue(s) that cause anxiety. Those can be painful and seem better left alone.

That’s why you turn to anxiety symptoms. They’re an easy target for your anger, worry, sadness, et cetera.

I recommend that you see a medical doctor and get examined. Rule out any and all potential medical issues. Then, if you’re found healthy, move on. Otherwise, you’re going to stay stuck where you are now. This is even more true if you’ve seen many doctors already.

There has to be a better way, right?

This is a topic that I have a lot of opinions on, so I’ve created a podcast to delve into the details. If you want to learn more about how to take charge of your anxiety symptoms click the listen icon below.

But whatever it is, it’s only half-true.

Because of all the countless ways to cure abnormal anxiety, not one will help everyone to the same degree.

Long story short. There’s no easy answers except to say that you need knowledge to fix bad nerves – very specific knowledge (Please see the archives to get an idea).

But that’s not all. You need more.

It also takes new ways of understanding what you already know.

When I used to read something that made sense about curing my anxiety I thought. “This is it, finally!” The result though, usually months later, was that I wasn’t any better then before.

Then I’d get impatient and thought all the learning I was doing was worthless.

I was, of course, wrong.

The information you need is out there. In books. On the net. It’s all over the place.

But it’s important to know that there are several ways of understanding what you learn and that’s just as important as the knowledge itself.

It’s like when you watch a movie over and over. You see new things every time you watch that same movie again. Learning about how to heal anxiety is the same way.

You might feel like much of the information you’re reading is the same, and some of it is, but as you absorb that knowledge time after time, you end up with a clearer picture of what you need to do to get better.

That’s the “magic” you need. Repetition.

If all you needed was information, you’d be done already. But here you are. And that’s totally normal.

That doesn’t mean that getting better needs to take years, either.

That can happen in weeks, months, or years. It’s up to you.

Here’s what I recommend:

1. Learn as much as you can about abnormal anxiety.

2. Learn it from different places (no one has all the answers, just pieces).

3. Be consistent

Of all the ways that you can heal abnormal anxiety, this is by far, far, the best way.

There are other ways too. There are medications, meditation, exercise, spirituality, and much more.

But I believe real healing, the kind that lasts a lifetime, happens when you can understand, really understand, what you’re going through.

In my own,  simple way, I try to highlight the positive. I do that because I know that when you’re anxious it’s so easy to do the opposite.

It’s easier to despair and wrap yourself in the bitter embrace of fear than it is to be optimistic.

My critics  lament that I’m so upbeat, but then again, that’s why they’ll probably stay anxious for the rest of their lives. Negativity has a way of throwing mud in your eye and blinding you to what you need to see in that regard.

That’s what I think anyway.

I’ve heard some people say nothing works for anxiety, that they’ll always be afraid, and unhappy.

Well. That’s not true. Especially the piece about being unhappy. In fact, I think that if you work on being happy you will, over time, reduce your anxiety.

Not to say that breathing, eating, and thinking right don’t help, but let’s not forget about the obvious, either.

Recently I got an email from a reader that asked how he could be happy despite stress. So I took the opportunity to create a podcast that addresses not just happiness in the face of stress, but happiness in general.

It makes sense that he framed his question like that. When stress and anxiety beat you up all the time it’s hard not to think about everything in the context of those kinds of emotions; those heavy, I’m wearing wet jeans kinds of feelings.

I didn’t focus on negative feelings though. I just asked the question more simply.

How do you go about being happy, at all?

To answer that question I defined what happiness is, then I list, what I believe to be, the best ways to achieve happiness.

It’s certainly not the only, easiest, or most creative way. But it works.

Click here to listen to the podcast.