Anything But Alexithymia

Another Sleepless Night

2012-11-13T04:43:00.000-08:00

Another sleepless night I spend staring at the ceiling. I am so tired, but I can't seem to get to sleep. There is a heaviness in my chest-- I don't know what it means, but I know that I can't ignore it. I know that something is missing. How long will it take me to find it? Or have I lost it forever?

I'm Back!

2012-11-07T05:13:00.002-08:00

I have not posted since the spring. It has been a very hectic summer for me in a not so hectic way. That probably makes little sense, but I will briefly explain what I am talking about. (Yes, this is briefly)

In August of 2010 I was diagnosed with Lyme's Disease. I was placed on a normal 30-day regimen of antibiotics. I counted myself lucky because, while I had pestering symptoms, I was not paralyzed like some of the more severe cases. I am a distance runner for Marist College as you can see in my about me, so all of this was happening amidst my summer training for my freshman cross-country season. While I did not feel my best, I was in phenomenal shape that summer going into the season. Unfortunately, I did not run…but that there were other things going on at the time.

Anyway, I thought I had put the Lyme's Disease behind me. After months of not feeling like myself even after being treated, I went to an Infectious Disease specialist and I was diagnosed with Ehrlichiosis in July of 2011. Ehrlichiosis is another tick-bourne disease, so I either was infected with both in 2010 or each at a separate time. I was placed on another 30-day regimen of antibiotics. Luckily, I was able to train and compete in Cross-Country for Marist in the fall of 2011. I did not feel like I was myself, but I felt a lot better than I had been so I focused on that.

Once winter break came around, we started doing some light workouts at home to train from Indoor Track. I was training normally, struggling while doing so, but following the schedule and getting the workouts in. Then one day, I headed outside to run an easy, short thirty-minutes. I could not even finish the run because I felt so weak. Omitting the tedious and whiney details of my affliction this past winter and spring, I'm going to move on to the summer. I began pestering all of my doctors, starting in the spring. They all ran blood tests and said that nothing was wrong with me, so I began researching Lyme's Specialists. There is much controversy over LD specialists since there is dispute about Chronic Lyme's being a real issue. This was really my last resort after I had tired out all of my options. I just wanted an answer. All the while my running was hot and cold.

After sleeping my sleeping my summer away, finally getting in to see the LD specialist, and having a gamete of tests done, I was prescribed 4 antibiotics to start treatment before waiting for specifics from the testing because the doctor had such a strong feeling that Lyme's was still lingering in my system. Needless to say, my body did not react well. They destroyed my stomach and I got sick off and on. I could not do anything and I felt even worse. They say you feel worse before you feel better; this was the reaction I was supposed to have. So, I was on three rounds of those antibiotics (90 days).

That explains why I have not been posting at all since last spring. My ass was being kicked pretty badly by antibiotics. I am hoping that I am on the road to feeling better now so expect the posts to begin again!

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
- Thomas A. Edison

Face The Truth

2012-05-26T01:14:00.002-07:00

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.

-Katherine Mansfield

I always hear my friends complaining about situations in their lives-- they don't like the college they go to, their parents make them feel like shit (or their significant others). They are not happy with these things, or these things are hurting them; however, they continue to stay in these situations because of someone else. These stories always dishearten me. Don't get me wrong, I can feel sympathy and even empathy for my friends. It only makes me so angry after a while when they don't DO anything.

I understand that life is hard. I understand that some things happen that we cannot control, including other people. But I also understand that there is one thing we can always control-- ourselves.

We cannot expect our lives to change if we continue to do nothing. The same actions generate the same results. We need to push our limits, take risks, do things that are difficult for us. That is the only way we will ever learn about ourselves to live a life of happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy, but not everyone is because some people sit around waiting for it to fall into their laps.

Another thing is that we all worry about what others will think or how they will feel about the things that we do in our own lives-- or at least we have at some point. The truth is that sometimes we have to be selfish. And this connotation of the word is not the narcissistic, egotistic kind of selfishness…it's one that seeks personal happiness. Because that is the ultimate goal of life, right?

If you never try, you'll never know. A simple quote overflowing with truth. Life is a trial-and-error game chock-full of mistakes. From these mistakes come growth and experience. This is how we become who we are. Face the truth-- your own truth-- and live your own life.

Pete The Penguin

2012-05-18T23:33:00.003-07:00

Hey guys I just wanted to let you know that I added a little gadget on the sidebar of the page…It's Pete the penguin! You can pet him and play with him. If you click "more," you can feed him a fish as well. Just wanted to add a little something to amuse you. Plus, penguins are pretty cool.

P.S. I want to start adding music on my page. I want to incorporate songs into posts, and also have a running playlist of songs that have been mentioned. Once I figure out how to do so, I will get right on it. If anyone knows how to do it, please let me know!

Don't Look Now

2012-05-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

It's funny how easy it is to lie
To everyone around her
She swears, "I don't wanna die."
But just as the vampires cannot stand the sun,
She has to run and hide
And it's a show that she puts on
Like a player in a game
Using all her strength and power
Just to look like she's the same
To all her friends and family,
She's concealing her pain

Time to her is fatal
It is too fast or it's too slow
It is never how she wants it
And that she's come to know-- That there's not much in her life she is able to control
The past is constantly nipping at her heels
Her future looms above her and still
She can't admit to what she really feels

Don't look now
They've got you cornered
Forcing you to face yourself
Don't look now
They're holding your eyes open
So you have no choice but to watch your Hell

"I won't go back!" she cries
"I won't go back!"
Looking ahead now, away from her past
But all she can see is herself-- lost and lonely
As she stares into a future that is black
Her head spins in circles
She doesn't want anything anyway
So she closes her eyes tight and wishes it all away

Don't look now
They've got you cornered
Forcing you to face yourself
Don't look now
They're holding your eyes open
So you have no choice but to watch your Hell

Help is GOOD

2012-05-02T00:04:00.002-07:00

Most of the time we know what we need to do. We know the right choices. We know what is best for us. Yet we continue to fuck up. We keep on doing things that we know are stupid. We are constantly hurting ourselves. Why? Why do we choose to make careless decisions? We know what the outcome is. We always do. Sometimes we choose to ignore it. Sometimes we choose not to dig deep enough into our minds to find it. Sometimes we hear our conscience and we scream, “Go fuck yourself!” when all it’s trying to do is look out for us. We’re so stubborn and “proud” that we think we can do everything ourselves. We don’t need anybody. Well if we try to do everything on our own, it will bite us in the ass eventually--and we would have pushed away everyone that actually gave a shit. Then all we’re left with is ourselves. Too late we realize that it’s not all that fun being alone, and it certainly isn’t easy.

It's foolish not to seek help. You will get in over your head eventually. Asking for help means that you are smart enough to realize that you cannot carry the whole load by yourself or it will hurt you. Doing something as simple as talking to someone is helpful.

We become bitter and resentful towards people because they don't offer to help us. We cannot expect people to read our minds. Since when is asking for help considered a weakness? I used to think it was. I used to think that if I were strong enough, I could handle everything myself. Then I realized that I was just being stupid. Sometimes life can become too much for one person to handle by themselves; as if they were carrying a pile of stones and life just keeps adding more and more to the pile. So much so that the person collapses--not because they gave up, but because humans can only handle so much.

Everybody needs help sometimes. Don't be stupid--ask for it.

Not Busy Enough

2012-04-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

Headaches and heartaches

Thinking makes my head ache

And feeling makes my heart ache

I wish I could stop doing both

I am running out of distractions

To keep me running from myself

I don’t want to face it

Because I know the outcome

And my future looks grim

It seems to me that everyone is busy

All of my friends

I don’t think I will ever be busy enough

At some point it all stops

Even for a mere second

And I feel it all

I will never be busy enough to keep my mind off of my mind

I Sit and Look Out

2012-04-22T20:44:00.001-07:00

I sit and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all
oppression and shame,
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men at anguish with
themselves, remorseful after deeds done,
I see in low life the mother misused by her children, dying,
neglected, gaunt, desperate,
I see the wife misused by her husband, I see the treacherous seducer
of young women,
I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love attempted to be
hid, I see these sights on the earth,
I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny, I see martyrs and
prisoners,
I observe a famine at sea, I observe the sailors casting lots who
shall be kill'd to preserve the lives of the rest,
I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon
laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;

All these--all the meanness and agony without end I sitting look out upon,
See, hear, and am silent.

Hey There!

2012-04-10T20:58:00.003-07:00

Hey there! I want to use my first blog post as an introduction/background to my page. I'll keep this short. I created this blog in order to help me find my voice. Some posts may be serious, some may be funny. I will write with feeling, or a lack of, and try to make sense of things that most likely will never make sense. I will offer you my thoughts and ideas on life-- you can take them as you wish. I only hope that I can understand and be understood. If I reach one person with this blog, it would be more than enough.

On a side note, don't expect a post every day…I will write as much as I can.