Aplin's Random Thoughts

Hum

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 07:13:00 +0000

Had a call early this morning from a lady, she told me that there is a low frequency hum affecting her health. Not a un-reasonable enquiry I thought until she told me that "They are directing it at me" ok so lets get this correct someone is directing a low frequency hum at you to affect your health.
Before she could start again I managed to persuade her to contact the local council environmental heath department.

After the call I realised that I should have told her to make a hat out of silver foil to reflect the radio waves, I’ll remember that for next time.

Where have my keys gone

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 11:50:00 +0000

The other day at 3 o’clock in the morning had a call from a gent who’s comments were "my keys have fallen into the sewage" after interrogating him a bit more it transpires that he had dropped is keys down a street drain. This person lives near central London and it had been raining for near on 24 hours, when this happen the storm drains discharge into the River Thames so is keys should now be nearing the coast of France.

Sorry Wrong House

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 06:48:00 +0000

Fire Service passed details of a chemical incident as per procedures this morning at 05:20.

Call from the Police to 64 Ed Street, Town A, a fire extinguisher has been set off causing breathing difficulties for a number of people.

Protocol dictates that this is a chemical incident so a Chemical Incident Unit plus a number of other crews are sent.

They arrive at the address in Town A to find no Police, wake the residents and the street most probably.

Confused crews with shocked residents check with Fire Control who call Police control.

Message from the Police control sorry we should have said 64 Ed Road, Town B.

So off goes the Chemical Incident Unit and the other crews lights sounding, sirens flashing for a 11 mile journey to the address in Town B.

I wouldn’t like to be the copper who probably said, "you took your time".

The addresses have been changed to protect the sleepy residents.

Pussy Cat Rescue

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 21:32:00 +0000

Lady called the other day and requested that we close a major flood barrier in London and lookout for her cat that had fallen into the river.

You guessed it the answer was NO.

Bird in a Basket

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 07:45:00 +0000

I’ve got no new stories to tell you as I have been off for a few days, but here is a call I had a number of months ago during the Bird Flu worries. We had lots of silly calls on this subject from a sparrow falling out of a tree to a pheasant dead in the road (make your own diagnosis on that one).

Its about 10:00 a call comes in I answer it in the same polite manner.

Caller: I’ve found a pigeon that has bird flu.

Me: Ok is it just one pigeon and where is it. (We don’t take reports of bird flu issues but we do filter the calls to help DEFRA that are responsible for the problem)

Caller: Its one pigeon and its in my hanging basket.

Me: Is it dead.

Caller: No it’s alive.

Me: (I’m in a bit of a silly mood for some reason) OK could you have a look at the bird don’t get to close though and see if its eyes are running or if it’s coughing and sneezing. Lady duly puts the phone on the side and wanders off to check.

Caller: Hello, no it’s not sneezing or coughing and its eyes look ok.

Me: Ok I would say that it does not have bird flu, but its just feed up with flying or it could be nesting, if its still there in a few days call pest control.

Caller: Oh that’s good I was just a little worried I could catch the flu. She then says goodbye and hangs up.

The caller is happy and I’m giggling like a schoolgirl.

Point to note DEFRA only respond to multiple deaths in the same spices or dead wild fowl/water birds.

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 07:00:00 +0000

Happy New Year everyone.

Keep Safe & Keep Well.

Happy Hogswatch

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 01:22:00 +0000

Or for those not into the Discworld, Merry Christmas.

I hope the Hog Father or Father Christmas leaves you some lovely presents.

I’m still on nights only four more to do.

TAXI

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 03:12:00 +0000

We have a phone line coming into work that seems to always get callers asking for a Taxi. Last night this line rang, when you see a mobile number on the caller id you no that its most likely to be a taxi call but you have to go through the same answering process every time.

Me - Good evening blah blah blah can I help you?
Caller - Can I have a taxi for such and such address” in a drunk voice.
Me – Sorry you have the wrong number this is not a taxi firm.
Caller – Are you sure?
Me – Yes I’m quite positive I’m not a taxi firm.
Caller – But this is the number for the taxi.
Me – No it’s not.

Caller hangs up muttering.

30 seconds later the same line rings with the same mobile number.

Me - Good evening blah blah blah can I help you?
Caller - Can I have a taxi for such and such address” still in a drunk voice.
Me – You just phoned and we weren’t a taxi firm then and were still not a taxi firm.
Caller – But this is the taxi phone number.
Me – NO ITS NOT GOOD BYE.

I do hope he got his taxi in the end (NOT)

Christmas lights

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 06:37:00 +0000

Quiet night again last night. I did manage to make my self crease up with laughter through, it went something like this.

Pulled up to the barrier at work so I could swipe in looked across at the building opposite and thought to my self “that’s very festive they have light up two floors green to celebrate Christmas, that must cost a fortune in electric”. Now I have got a new car only had it for three weeks and when I ducked down a bit to swipe my card on the barrier I realised that the green I was seeing was the sun tint on the top half of my screen. What an idiot.

Rats

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 23:02:00 +0000

First call of the night.

Caller: I no you can’t help me but I have a rat in the house can you come and remove it.

Me: Sorry we don’t look after pest control matters, is it a council property.

Caller: No it’s my house, who should I contact.

Me: Your best bet is to contact a pest control company in the Yellow Pages etc.

Caller: Will I have to pay.

Me: Yes I would of thought so.

Caller: Oh I won’t bother then, what is the phone number of the Council.

Why do people spend the time finding a phone number for an organisation that has no mention of pest control in the title calling it then when they find out that there could be a cost involved “say I won’t bother then”, then take a phone number for the Council who will not be open and will also charge for the service.

It's Your Choice

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 05:33:00 +0000

I just love Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books, I have a fondness for the Ankh-Morpork city watch so I’ll give you a choice, do you all want On This Day In History or a biography of a random character from the City Watch or both.

Hears a taster to help you diced.

Sergeant Fred Colon

Fred is a long time member of the City Watch and has been married for many years. He has children, and even grandchildren, something of a rare achievement among Watchmen. The success of his marriage has largely been put down to the fact that Mrs Colon works days and he works nights.

He tends to be partnered with Nobby Nobbs and doesn't actively ask for bribes but if a restaurant owner or a shop owner needs a small favour (like having a clamped cart released), they can give him a free meal or other things, and the problem will be easily solved. He doesn't like to chase criminals or rush into the fracas, because no good comes from dying on duty. He spends most of his patrol time leaning against some wall and having a quiet smoke. Thanks to this policy, almost none of the city's major landmarks have ever been stolen.

They come in three’s

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 04:16:00 +0000

Had no calls until 04:00 then I had three in a row first was an petrol spillage in Oxfordshire. Then a fire at a petrol station in Northern Ireland. Lastly a fire at the Shell International offices in south London.
How spooky is that.

I didn’t post last night as nothing happened apart from England loosing the Ashes again.

On this day in history

19th Dec 1843 – A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, is first published in England.

Night Shift No:3

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 06:53:00 +0000

One interesting job last night that lasted most of the shift, a boat alight on the River Thames. This then set light to a boathouse next to the mooring that contained a propane gas cylinder. The boathouse just happens to be next to a very large gas holder. So there was a chance of a BOOM followed by a VERY BIG BOOM.
Fire Service spent the night cooling the cylinder, and the Gas Board spent the night emptying the gas holder.

That’s the best I can do today, I've got a good on this day though.

17th Dec 1989 – The Simpsons made their debut as an animated Series on the Fox television network.

Night Shift No:2

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 06:43:00 +0000

Just an hour to go before the end of the shift and Mr & Mrs Joe public have been very good to me no calls to tell you about sorry.
When I have nothing interesting to tell you about work I’ll try and place an on this day in history.

On this day in history

16th Dec 1689 The Parliament of England adopted the Bill of Rights, declaring that Englishmen possessed certain positive civil and political rights.

I've got a new one Parliament should Leave our public and emergency services alone to do there job there own way.

Night Shift No 1

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:35:00 +0000

Tonight is the first of 16 night shifts for me, this will take me up to
the 29th.

So far I have had one call worth mentioning from a lady in Northern
Ireland complaining about a dodgy Chines meal she has bought from a take
away and was still consuming whilst on the phone. I ended up putting the
phone down on her as the amount of Chines food being spat down the phone
was getting a bit much.

noreply@blogger.com (Paul) — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 17:37:00 +0000

My first post.

Caller phoned to asked if we could come and remove a bird that she thinks is stuck down her chimney, as there are some funny scraping noises coming from it.

I politely informed her that this particular Government Agency she called does not remove anything stuck up her chimney.

If she waits a few days Santa will sort the problem.

That’s my first post.