Apology News

Memories of Yorkshire - before the blame-gaming injuries

2013-11-25T13:44:00.001+00:00

My brother is in so much pain
That all he seems able to do
Is push away a rock called blame
So that it's weight lies on another

Near Ilkley Moor we knew better
Playing on Brimham Rocks
Running between these weather-beaten boulders
We then climbed higher, and got the big view

May my family go beyond pushing boulders
on each other's feet
Well before Dad dies
May we transcend once more
And sit together on the boulders
Enjoying a sometimes bleak yet "grand" and united view.
(That's where well-facilitated dialogue Leeds.)

Blame vs Taking Responsibility for needs

2013-11-25T13:40:00.001+00:00

Blame, to me, is "a primitive concept"
- Understandable, of course.
When I hear your blame-gaming
I take it that it is no game to you.
You're feeling upset, I guess
And want some responsibility to be taken?
Me too, only I try to start with acknowledging the pain
And locating the pain that certain actions trigger.
The pain (in our case) doesn't come from the actors
But from the unmet need(s).
Let's start with the needs for care and consideration,
prudence and mourning & see
who owns these needs & what requests they make?

CommunicatingNeeds.org

[default blog footer]
May everyone be loved well,
Paul
#FreeRange #Buddhist
Tel 0780 70 66 202

PS. How do you want to be loved?
PPS. What's my role in that?
http://additionalinfo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/my-email-footer-is-here-instead-of-on.html

What ApologyPlus offers is far more wholesome than pseudo-apology

2013-10-07T13:47:00.000+01:00

Pseudo-apology serves none of us. Even my Dad (who was quick to apportion blame in the past) gets this & gets what ApologyPlus offers.

Transcript of the above film (written in 3rd Person):
"An apology from X, at this stage, could not be sincere:
First, X needs empathy for the pain he has experienced as a result of his interpretation of what happened.
2) X will then be more easily able to recognise the distress/harm caused to Y & Z etc
3) Genuine regret can only be expressed when X appreciates the harm his actions have caused
4) Z's concern/interest is in X being able to distinguish between what happened and how X interpreted what happened. Z would like an agreement about what actually happened so that we can learn from it.
5) Z would like X to get help from a mediator to distinguish between the facts and X's interpretation (just as Z is doing)
6) Z looks forward to an exchange of communications via X's chosen mediator, demonstrating what X & Z have learned from this episode."

Now try slowing down with your stories of blame and find a better way through all this by using (& providing feedback on) ApologyPlus.org.uk

Blair's apology lecture AKA Cherie Booth on Restorative Justice

2007-03-15T09:51:00.000+00:00

The apology most asked for in recent years by the British population is almost certainly the apology asked for from the former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, for the war in Iraq and the basis on which it was launched. (The political-economic reality that is Peak Oil is covered on other websites run by my company, Mediation Support Ltd -eg. freelend.org). In 2005 I received an invitation to meet Tony Blair and chose, in his house, to thank him for empowering many victims in the UK, to the extend that access was increasing for restorative justice. At the same time my concern was about the lack of empowerment of victims of the Iraq war.

Cherie Booth, Tony Blair's wife, has shown more interest in restorative justice, though not in relation to Iraq. Her Radio 4 talk on Restorative Justice is copied below.

The text, which I find clearly written and thought provoking, is copied below, courtesy of the BBC:

"I've been sitting as a part time judge for ten years now and for me the most difficult part of the process is the sentencing. The defendant faces me from the dock while I explain to him (and it is usually a him) why he's going to jail. He may listen carefully but I often wonder whether he feels any remorse for his crime or has any idea of the effect he's had upon his victims. This impression has been reinforced when I've visited prisons and spoken to inmates. It seems that neither the court process nor the prison experience is helping them confront their behaviour or its consequences.

And, of course, we must never forget the victims of the crime. Too often they sit in the public gallery - feeling marginal to the case, even bemused by what's happening. They're often denied the opportunity to confront the defendant directly with what he's done, nor given the chance, where he's genuinely sorry, to receive a personal apology.

All this can make it harder for them to achieve the closure they need - no matter how severe the sentence.

And it's right and proper that tough sentences are handed down in court for serious crimes or persistent offenders. Imprisonment shows society's disgust at their actions and helps protect the public by keeping criminals off the streets. But it's clear that simply locking people up doesn't itself alter their long-term behaviour. In too many cases, it only shelves the problem.

Britain's criminal justice system, of course, has been shaped by its Judaeo-Christian tradition. Often this tradition has been seen as punitive, advocating a retributive model of justice in which an angry God - or state - takes revenge on the offender for his crimes.

But there are seeds in the Bible of a very different approach - an approach known as restorative justice which has been pioneered in countries like New Zealand and Australia. It's now gaining ground in the UK, where it's increasingly used in youth justice as an alternative to the courts and in the adult justice system as an addition to the court process.

The approach of restorative justice is to see the offending behaviour not just as a crime but as a breach of a relationship; the relationship we all have as individuals with others in our communities. It emphasises repairing the harm caused by anti-social or criminal behaviour, holding offenders to account before their victims and often resulting in them making some kind of reparation.

In biblical terms it aims to create "Shalom" - a word which in Hebrew means peace, but which is best translated by the English word Justice.

Restorative justice has been in the news recently because of the publication of the Sherman report from the Smith Institute, which advocates its wider take-up in the UK. But the Christian season of Lent is also a good time to consider how to deal with offenders. Lent is the time for righting wrongs and reconciling relationships. It doesn't soft pedal on sin, but its focus is on how to make a fresh start rather than on how to get even.

Those of my generation who went to Church as children will remember the gospel story of Zacchaeus, and maybe even the actions which went with the Sunday school song we used to sing about him. It's the story of the "very little man" who climbs into a sycamore tree to get a glimpse of Jesus, and ends up taking him home for tea. But there's a whole other dimension to this tale that only really dawned on me as an adult - because actually this is a story about restorative justice.

They went into Jericho and passed through. There was a man named Zacchaeus, a chief tax collector who was very rich. He was trying to see who Jesus was, but, being a small man, he couldn't, because of the crowd. So he ran on ahead, along the route Jesus was going to take, and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see him.

When Jesus came to the place he looked up. "Zacchaeus," he said, "Hurry up and come down. I have to stay at your house today." So he hurried up, came down and received him with joy.

Everybody began to murmur when they saw it. "He's gone in to spend time with a proper old sinner!" they were saying. But Zacchaeus stood there and addressed the Master, "Look, Master," he said, "I'm giving half my property to the poor. And if I've defrauded any one of anything, I'm giving it back to them four times over." And Jesus said, "Today salvation has come to this house, because he too is a son of Abraham."

He may be a Sunday school favourite, but Zacchaeus was also a master in white collar theft. Tax collectors were outcasts in society - not just because they were collecting money for the Roman Empire, but because they appear to have been lining their own pockets at the same time. And as a chief tax collector we can assume that Zacchaeus was masterminding the whole racket.

In calling him down from the tree, Jesus is engineering a meeting between Zacchaeus and the people he has wronged. Initially, the crowd is outraged with Jesus for befriending a man whose behaviour has spread fear and mistrust even amongst those he hasn't stolen from directly. And who can blame them?

There follows a series of meetings between Zacchaeus and his individual victims as he visits them to repay what he's stolen. These are glossed over in the gospel, there are no details - but I don't think we're talking cosy fireside chats here. It must be very uncomfortable for Zacchaeus to hear first hand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of his extortion.

Such face to face meetings between offenders and victims lie at the heart of the restorative justice process. The focus begins with the victims as they are encouraged to talk about the effect the crime has had on them. Then it is the turn of the offender to talk about why he committed the crime, what led up to it and how he feels about it now.

Initially victims may wish to simply pour out their anger and resentment. Sooner or later, however, nearly all want an answer to the question, "Why me?" Most crime is random, but the victim often fears that they were deliberately targeted and might be again. The reassurance that that was not, in this sense at least, personal is evident in nearly all restorative justice meetings and helps the victim move on.

It's not appropriate to hold such meetings where the offender continues denying his guilt. And even where he has admitted his wrongdoing he may still approach a meeting with his victim with little sense of remorse, wanting to deny responsibility or to claim mitigating circumstances.

But it's not so easy to deny the consequences of your actions when your victim is sitting across the table from you. Rationalisations such as "they asked for it", "it wasn't worth much anyway", tend to fall away in the face of injured human flesh and blood.

Part of the hope for the meeting, therefore, is that an experience of remorse and acceptance of responsibility will grow through the offender's encounter with the victim, that the realisation of the harm they have done may indeed be a kind of revelation. This was certainly the experience of one career criminal, Paul. Paul agreed to meet one of his victims, a doctor whom he had burgled, (and) who broke down in tears during the meeting. It marked a turning point in Paul's life. "I was thinking, I can't believe this; I am the cause of this man's pain. Suddenly I'm hearing the destruction I have caused. I could hardly speak for a week after the conference. The guilt was unbelievable."

Similarly when faced with what he had done, Zacchaeus' immediate impulse was to make some reparation to his victims, paying them four times the amount he'd stolen from them. And the idea of reparation is a key element in the Restorative Justice process. However, the most effective form of reparation is usually, simply, a genuine apology. It's the single most important thing a victim values.

As President of Barnardo's - a charity which does wonderful work with young people - I have seen for myself how they use restorative practices to alter behaviour by bringing home to youngsters the impact of what they do.

Fifteen-year-old Andy from Newry in Northern Ireland was brought before the court for attempting to attack the police. As part of a Community Responsibility Order, he met with police, fire service and ambulance crews who told him what it's like to be under attack from hooligans when they are trying to save lives. Andy began, for the first time, to appreciate the risks they took and the impact of his behaviour. He wrote a letter of apology to the police and joined the Fire Brigade cadets for a six week programme on public safety.

The programme also helped Andy look at the things in his life which made him angry and develop ways of coping with these - within his family, where both his parents had problems with substance misuse, and at school, where he was frequently in trouble.

Andy is accepting responsibility for his actions - but there's another way to look at this. The community is accepting its responsibility for Andy as well. All too often society wants to draw a "them and us" line between offenders and victims without recognising that offenders are often victims themselves. We can't ignore the fact that over a half of all 15-17 year olds in custody and a third of all prisoners have been in care at some point in their lives. Nor that the majority of women in prison say they've been victims of domestic or sexual abuse. The Archbishop of Canterbury recently called on society to recognise the part it has to play in the journey of reform and rehabilitation that the offender needs to embrace.

Because that has to be the fundamental goal of the criminal justice system. Those who have been through our courts and prisons need to be helped to return to society as full and contributing members. Just as Zacchaeus was restored to the community of the children of Abraham, and went on, we can assume, to live a useful (decent?) life.

Some, I know, will say it makes for a nice ending to a Bible story, but isn't it just plain naïve to suggest that the principles of restorative justice can work for 21st century Britain? The evidence is that they can. Not with everyone, of course, but they can work even with those who at first sight might appear hardened, serial criminals, those who might be branded no-hopers. In fact, evidence from the recent Sherman Report suggests that the restorative justice approach can be most effective in reducing re-offending where the offenders have committed serious, personal and violent crimes.

So I'm pleased that restorative justice programmes are becoming an increasing part of both adult and youth criminal justice. I want to see this role increase further still. We should consider using such programmes routinely for crimes such as assault, robbery, and stealing - in addition, where appropriate, to prison or other sentences. And with specialist, highly trained staff, they could also be used - again in addition to the normal court processes - in cases of domestic violence and sexual assault, where victims believe it will help them, and will enable offenders to fully grasp the devastating impact of their crimes.

Was Zacchaeus forgiven? His relationship with God and his community was repaired, but who knows whether his individual victims found it in their hearts to forgive him? Restorative Justice can't demand remorse from offenders or forgiveness from their victims. All it can do is open the channels of communication which makes such healing possible. That healing rarely takes place overnight; it may take years, or it may not happen at all.

But I choose to end with an extraordinary story told by a judge from New Zealand which demonstrates the full transformation - the Shalom - that restorative justice can help bring about.

It's about a young man who committed two burglaries. He'd been in trouble before, but rejected involvement in restorative justice, and the police couldn't catch up with him this time. Two years later the man found out that he was going to become a dad. Wanting to start afresh, he handed himself into the police and asked to meet the people whose homes he'd burgled. He worked out weekly repayments to cover their losses and set out his entire budget before them, including the money he'd need for the baby when it arrived.

The victims were so impressed that they said they wanted the money spent not on themselves but on the baby, to make sure that it had the start in life which the young offender had never been given. They also wanted him to attend a parenting course, because they wanted to break the cycle he'd been caught up in from a young age. They even wanted to keep in touch, and it was agreed that when the baby was six months old the young man would write a letter to them to tell them how things had been going for him and his new family.

"Today Salvation has come to this house"."

Apology letter after 22years leads to 18month custodial sentence

2007-03-15T08:56:00.000+00:00

The following piece illustrates the cost of one person attempting apology without mediation; access to mediators here.

"William Beebe had been haunted by that night for years.

He’d tried to send the letter before and failed. Just like he’d failed to stick with Alcoholics Anonymous. Just like he’d failed at so much in life.

This time, he was staying with the 12-step program. But should he really take that treacherous ninth step?

It told him to make amends to those he’d hurt unless doing so would injure them further.

Some had warned him to leave it alone. But he’d prayed on it.

And so, he began to write.

‘In 1984 I harmed you’, Mike Seccuro said, tossing an envelope onto his wife Liz’s lap as he climbed behind the wheel of their minivan.

Who lives in Vegas? she wondered briefly of the postmark before her eyes stopped on the sender’s name.

She froze. It was a name she had not uttered in 20 years. Her body suddenly felt cold, her brain fuzzy. With shaking hands, she opened the envelope.

Dear Elizabeth, the letter began. In 1984 I harmed you.
She wept.

In the minivan, Seccuro was crying so hard her frightened daughter had begun to wail.

I can scarcely begin to understand the degree to which, through your eyes,
my behavior has affected you in its wake, Beebe had written. Still, I stand prepared to hear from you about just how, and in what ways you’ve been affected, and to begin to set right the wrong I’ve done.

Over the next week, she felt afraid and vulnerable. Was her family in danger?

The questions finally overwhelmed her. She grabbed her BlackBerry.

How can you live with yourself? she typed.
He e-mailed back the next day.

I always felt tremendous guilt for the ways in which I imagined my conduct had damaged you, and for years too the only solution seemed to be the bottle, which worked less and less over time to assuage the guilt, he wrote. This is to say that the way that I lived with myself was of course not really living at all.

It appears I have laid the groundwork for a shattered life, and I simply do not know what to do, save for doing what you ask.

But Seccuro didn’t know what to do either. Yet she wondered: Why had he done what he’d done?

The only way to find out, she reasoned, was to write back. And so began a two-month e-mail correspondence. Seccuro told Beebe of the devastating effects of his actions; Beebe detailed the devastating effects of the bottle.

After that night in 1984, Seccuro was never the same. She reported the attack to university officials and campus police, she said, but immediately felt dismissed and disbelieved.

She became a loner. Her grades plummeted. At 22, she entered a tumultuous marriage that quickly unraveled.

Part of her felt dead. Panic attacks were frequent and frightening.
Gradually, life improved. She married Mike, gave birth to beautiful Ava, and found success as an event planner in Greenwich, Conneticutt.

But she never stopped wondering what had become of him.

His life, too, had been filled with miseries, he wrote. After that night, he was summoned to the dean’s office and told of possible judicial proceedings.

I was pinned by my failure as a person,he wrote. A day or so later I withdrew from the university, unwilling to "step up to the plate".

Even then, he wrote, his drinking was a problem. One afternoon, it hit him: Was he an alcoholic?

He entered rehab and moved home. A month later, he was drinking again. Over the next nine years, he wrote, he exhausted his parents, employers and friends. Women dismissed him as a drunken, selfish slob.

He arrived at AA in 1993, after years of trying to get sober in the fellowship, he wrote. This time, he stayed.

From the moment he read AA’s eighth step making a list of those he’d harmed he wanted to
contact Seccuro. But his sponsor said that would only hurt her.

As the years passed, Beebe wrote, his sponsor fell off the wagon. The man later told him he’d started drinking again over unfinished amends.

Beebe’s new sponsor told him to pray and search for Seccuro. Twice he wrote her, but the addresses were wrong and the letters returned. Eventually, he tried again.

Seccuro read Beebe’s e-mails with growing unease.
Was this apology meant to help her or him?

Her skepticism grew when they broached the topic of what happened that night in 1984.
Were you my only attacker? she asked....

Beebe’s account, however, was disturbingly different from hers.
I ‘convinced’ you after what seemed like hesitation, that staying with me in my room upstairs was better than walking all the way back to the suites, he wrote. Of course, seeing opportunity to have a good time with you overrode any gentlemanly efforts to return you safely back to the dorms.

We started to make out in my room a while, he continued. There was no fight and it was all over in short order. When we awoke in the morning it was still chilly out, so I lent you my jean jacket, and you walked home.

There were no other men present. I was the only one.

There was certainly a fight that night, Seccuro responded angrily. She awoke wrapped in a bloody sheet, then walked to the emergency room.
I thought after all this time, you realized you had raped me and were apologizing, she wrote. I trusted that your apology came from a good and honest place and I see this is not the case.

He had been drunk that night, he acknowledged, though not so drunk he couldn’t remember what happened. But he didn’t doubt her version.

I did not get to choose being raped and having my virginity taken from me so brutally,Seccuro wrote. Now, I don’t get to choose having this wound reopened.

And something else bothered her. Why was he shying away from using the word rape?
Beebe responded.

I want to make clear that I’m not intentionally minimizing the fact of having raped you, he wrote. I did.

Seccuro felt confused and drained.
A few days later, she stumbled across a Web site dedicated to victims of rape at the University of Virginia.

She was floored. The problem suddenly seemed bigger than her own.
Minutes later, she left a message with the Charlottesville police.

On Jan. 4, 2006, Beebe was arrested in Las Vegas.

There is no statute of limitations on felonies in Virginia, and with Beebe’s written confession, it appeared to be an open and shut case.

Except Beebe, facing a sentence of life in prison, suddenly denied raping Seccuro.
She couldn’t believe it.

They were headed for trial.

Seccuro was in for another shock. She began receiving critical e-mails and letters, many from Christians condemning her for pressing charges, admonishing her to forgive.

But she HAD forgiven Beebe. Couldn’t she forgive and still want justice?

Her panic attacks returned. Some friends stopped calling. She suffered a miscarriage while nervously awaiting Beebe’s arrest.

Any leftover energy went to Ava, not her husband. Despite his efforts to understand, her experience remained alien to him.

It seemed Beebe was hurting her again.

And could she forgive him for that?

On April 17, Beebe was indicted on two felony counts: rape and object sexual penetration.

Seven months later, he stood before the judge.

Guilty as charged, he said calmly.

But he was pleading guilty to a lesser charge of aggravated sexual battery; the other charges had been dropped. The prosecution’s recommended sentence: two years in prison.

Why had they agreed to a plea?

Then the prosecutor dropped the bombshell: Investigators believed Seccuro was gang raped.

Seccuro had long suspected it. And prosecutors knew Beebe’s cooperation could be key in bringing other possible attackers to justice.

Outside the courthouse, Beebe finally spoke.
Twenty-two years ago, I harmed another person, he said. And I have tried to set that right.

The investigation into the events of that night continues. Beebe’s cooperation with authorities will be a consideration when he is sentenced March 15 2007. He remains free on bond and has been ordered to continue attending AA meetings.

Seccuro launched a donor fund called STARS Sisters Together Assisting Rape Survivors to raise money for rape victims and their families.

Some still tell her to accept Beebe’s apology and move on. Forgiveness, however, isn’t so simple, she says. She has forgiven Beebe for attacking her, and for disrupting her life. But she sometimes struggles to remain merciful."

On 15th March William Beebe was sentenced to 18 months of jail time yesterday for the aggravated sexual battery.
"In adopting a new way of life [through AA] I have a purpose and that gives life meaning," Beebe said.

The judge noted the complications of the case and the challenge "to balance all the factors."

"It is not a minor thing [Beebe's crime]; it's a horrific thing that she's been through," the judge said. "That fact that he came forward to admit his wrongdoing is admirable. I don't think the court system should discourage that."

He also emphasized that Beebe's punishment "should be on condition of significant community service," noting that part of Beebe's sentence is 500 hours of service dedicated to sexual assault education on college campuses, likely including the University's.

Seccuro spoke briefly after the hearing.

"I very much look forward to continuing my life," Seccuro said. "The past 18 months have obviously depleted me. My work as an advocate has just begun."

Seccuro also criticized the University's role in the case.

"Your silence is deafening. You should know the damage you have done," she said. "How many students will have to be embarrassed before you do something?"

She added she has forgiven Beebe but not the University for its lack of involvement in her case.

University spokesperson Carol Wood said Seccuro "is a courageous woman who is determined to see this through."(Court case report from The Cavalier)

REFLECT HERE ON WHAT NEEDS AN APOLOGY WOULD OR WOULD NOT SERVE

Ken Livingstone still does not apologise; estimated £250,000 court costs

2006-10-19T17:41:00.000+01:00

"Ken Livingstone has won a High Court appeal against a finding that he brought his office into disrepute over comments made to a Jewish journalist.
The mayor was found guilty of being "insensitive and offensive" to Evening Standard reporter Oliver Finegold by the Adjudication Panel for England.

But Mr Justice Collins said the panel had misdirected itself.

The judge said that while the mayor should have apologised he had the right to freedom of speech.

Mr Livingstone, who was facing bankruptcy should he have lost the case, was awarded his full legal costs which were thought to be about £250,000."

BBC News report

Additional BBC video report

When will apology issues be handled in a way that doesn't lead to winners and losers at such great expense?
If you have an apology issue, start the work now at www.ApologyPlus.org.uk

Scottish cancer-treatment overdose patient dies; will the report improve medical negligence disclosure?

2006-10-19T17:15:00.000+01:00

Hearing about the death of Lisa Norris, a 16-year-old cancer patient who was given massive overdoses of radiation earlier this year, raises many questions. One question is how and when responsibility was taken by Scotland's largest cancer centre, the Beatson?

Was this another hospital without full-training in medical negligence disclosure, hampered by the laws around disclosure and adding to the upset of the Norris family?

How long will it be before legislative change is being taken as it is in the US to enable medical-negligence disclosure, saving pain and much legal cost? Medical negligence disclosure advice and policy is readily available on the Sorry Works website.
"Lisa Norris, from Girvan in Ayrshire, received at least 17 overdoses during treatment for a brain tumour at the Beatson Oncology Centre in Glasgow.

An independent investigation into the case was launched by the Scottish Executive.

An executive spokesman said the investigation's findings were in the "final stages of preparation".

Scottish Health Minister Andy Kerr said: "This is deeply saddening news following what has already been a very difficult time for the family.

"Our thoughts and sympathies are with them."

Officials said the Norris family would be consulted before the findings of the investigation into Lisa's overdose were published.

Several months after the overdose was given, the Beatson was found to have given a series of other patients radiation overdoses."
(The text in quotation marks is from the BBC News web-site link)

See the Sorry Works website for more about medical negligence disclosure.

Demands for Pope to make personal, clear apology

2006-09-18T08:31:00.000+01:00

September 17th 2006: "Demands around the world continued on Sunday for Pope of the Vatican, Benedict XVI, to make a clear and personal apology over remarks he made against Islam and Prophet Mohammad (PBUH).

The Syrian Islamic-Christian Committee called upon the Pope, in a statement following an emergency meeting, to make a clear and personal apology for the remarks that hurt the feelings of Muslims.

It said that any attempt to insult or violate heavenly religions would have dangerous consequences and obstruct efforts to promote tolerance and co-existence among people of the world.

Moreover, the committee warned Syrians from falling into the trap of extremism and sectarianism and to exercise wisdom.

And in Indonesia, Chief Muslim Cleric Sheikh Marouf Amin said that such insulting and hurtful statements should not be made by a man of such high stature as the Pope, noting that the late Pope John Paul II had spared no effort in bridging gaps between people of different religions.

ANTARA news agency quoted the cleric calling upon the Pope to respect other religions and encourage dialogue, while demanding a personal apology be made to Muslims and for the Pope to pledge not to make similar statements in the future.

The Pope had confirmed in a statement issued yesterday the Vatican's appreciation and respect for Muslims and said he was "extremely sorry" for the misunderstanding of what he had said.

In a speech at a German university, the Pope claimed that Prophet Mohammad brought what was "only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." (end) tk.mmk.

Pope 'sorry' for offence to Islam

2006-09-16T19:21:00.000+01:00

For the story of the official apology, which some see as more explanation than apology, see "Pope 'sorry' for offence to Islam" (BBC News, 16th September, 15.05pm)

Another BBC report says:
"The Pope is now acutely aware that wherever he is speaking, his words will be heard around the world by an audience ready to analyse every nuance of meaning.

He may have another opportunity to explain himself to Muslims in November, when he is scheduled to visit Turkey.

In the meantime, the Vatican will be giving a lot more thought to the words and actions needed to promote better relations between the world's two major religions. "
(from BBC report "Pope remarks reveal a harder stance")

Muslim requests for apology from Pope

2006-09-16T13:15:00.000+01:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/5346480.stm

England - Pakistan - Umpire Darrell Hair: Apology? (Oval test match -cricket)

2006-08-21T13:23:00.000+01:00

Is an apology due? Who has been handling this issue sensitively? Ian Botham has said:
"Apart from umpire Darrell Hair monitoring paceman Mohammad Asif shining the ball, Sky Sports have no footage which suggests any ball-tampering malpractice by Pakistan yesterday.
To accuse an individual, or a team, of cheating, you need conclusive evidence -not just to look at a few scuff-marks and make assumptions about how they got there.
And you need to inform the public of what is going on.
It was absolutely appalling that paying customers had to wait so long to find out what was happening.
It's a great shame that an intriguing Test match should be overshadowed by such a sensitive issue which, paradoxically, has been handled with such insensitivity."
Remember the phrase "It's just not cricket?"
(Source: BBC Message Board: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbtms/F2208935?thread=3381288 Message 8) & October 2007 update: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/cricket/7020693.stm

ApologyPlus.org.uk news story from Conflict Resolution Network UK

2006-08-05T19:26:00.000+01:00

http://www.conflictresolutionnetwork.org.uk/
New Initiatives from Mediation UK
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Conflict Resolution Network UK

ApologyPlus and CommunicatingNeeds are two new initiatives from Mediation UK, launched at a special event with Dr Marshall Rosenberg, originator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Dr Rosenberg created the NVC model of compassionate communication more than 30 years ago in the USA, in response to the violence he witnessed in society. He now travels the world sowing the seeds for a nonviolent culture, teaching people from all walks of life. For a fuller introduction to NVC, from Marshall Rosenberg himself, log onto Peace Talks, an online radio station that spotlights peacemaking and nonviolent conflict resolution strategies, by clicking here. The event itself was an enormous success with 88% of respondents rating the event with very good or excellent.

ApologyPlus, as its name suggests, helps us do more than just say sorry. As the homepage of this web-based resource states, when people want an apology they are often looking for empathy, remorse, reparation and changed behaviour. The website helps to explore what is going on between you and the other person, and how you might choose to communicate with them. Ultimately, ApologyPlus seeks to encourage people wanting apologies etc to refer themselves to local mediation services or to access mediators and Nonviolent Communication practitioners by e-mail and phone.

CommunicatingNeeds is the sister site of ApologyPlus. It assists the visitor firstly, by helping them fully identify the problem; then, it helps the visitor analyse their problem in more depth by looking at their feelings and those of the other party; lastly, it helps the visitor consider how they can resolve their situation.

Unmediated apology letters welcomed by some of the relatives of 100 killed in fire.

2006-06-04T10:24:00.000+01:00

The letter arrived this week at Dave Kane's home, a single page of unadorned cursive script tucked inside a small envelope.

He opened the letter and called his wife on the phone. Then he struggled through tears to read it to her.

"To Nick O'Neill's family and friends," the letter begins. "Please allow me to start by apologizing for the part I played in Nick's tragic death and for taking so long to convey this apology to you."

The author is Daniel Biechele, the former rock band tour manager whose pyrotechnics display at a concert at The Station nightclub three years ago started a fire that killed Kane's 18-year-old son, Nicholas O'Neill, and 99 others.

Biechele, who tearfully apologized in a packed courtroom last month before being sentenced to four years in prison, wrote personal letters to the families of all 100 people killed by the fire. The letters were written before the sentencing and are now being distributed by the state probation department to the families who want them.

Some who have received the letters say they are satisfied with Biechele's words, which have a remorseful tone and show that he accepts responsibility. In at least some notes, Biechele acknowledges that forgiveness may be impossible and that the pain of losing a child is unthinkable.

"I just believe it was sincere," Kane said Saturday in an interview at his home. "It was just real. It wasn't, 'I'll write this letter and the judge will take five years off my sentence."'

But others don't want the letters and think there is nothing Biechele could write that could soothe them.

"I have a lot of issues with Daniel Biechele," said Claire Bruyere, whose 27-year-old daughter, Bonnie Hamelin, died in the fire. "Unless he can say in the letter that he didn't kill my daughter, then I have no urge to hear what he says."

Though Bruyere did not want the letter, her relatives said she might want to read it one day, so she decided to have the note sent to her sister.

It was not immediately clear Saturday how many family members had requested the letters and how many did not want them. Unwanted letters will be returned to Biechele's lawyer.

Biechele was tour manager for the band Great White when he set off pyrotechnics during a concert at the West Warwick club on Feb. 20, 2003. Sparks from the pyrotechnics ignited flammable soundproofing foam around the stage, spreading flames through the club.

Biechele pleaded guilty in February to 100 counts of involuntary manslaughter. Club owners Jeffrey and Michael Derderian are awaiting trial.

In a letter sent to the family of fire victim Tammy Mattera-Housa, 29, Biechele wrote that he would be "haunted" by his role in the fire "until the day that I die."

"The pain and suffering that so many endured is absolutely unthinkable," Biechele wrote. "If I had any idea that anyone would be harmed in the least I would never have used the pyrotechnics. I never wanted to place anyone in danger."

Leland Hoisington, whose daughter, Abbie, 28, died in the fire, said he was moved by Biechele's letter and was considering writing back to him. He said he felt sorry for Biechele and considered him a victim and the "only real man in this whole mess."

"What he had to say to us, he certainly didn't have to say it," said Hoisington, who declined to share what Biechele had written.

Kane said he still struggles to read the letter. Certain sentences particularly move him, such as, "No parent should ever have to suffer the agony of having their child pass away before they do, and yet it has happened here, partly through my own fault."

"The words about losing your child and how horrible it is kind of remind you of how horrible it is," Kane said.

Biechele told Kane in the letter that he didn't feel he could ask for forgiveness. But at the sentencing hearing last month, Kane told Biechele his teenage son would have wanted his family to accept Biechele's apology. Biechele wept as Kane spoke.

Kane and his wife, Joanne O'Neill, think Biechele might have met their son, a musician, since he was invited to hang out with the band on the day of the show.

O'Neill said she called her son and could sense the excitement in his voice.

"You're going to have a lot of stories to tell," she recalled telling him.

That was their last conversation.

(Article from the Boston Globe, June 3, 2006, By E.Tucker)

Disabled pupil "has won an apology" -having been excluded from party

2006-06-04T10:10:00.000+01:00

A disabled pupil who was left out of an end of year party has won an apology from Hampstead School.

Zahrah Manuel, 18, was barred from attending the function onboard a boat on the Thames because it wasn't fitted with wheelchair access.

Made to feel like a second-class citizen, she took her case to a Special Educational Needs tribunal last month and won.

Zahrah, who has cerebral palsy and cannot talk or write but can communicate with her mum Preethi, said: "I was really upset. I'm really happy with the decision. I enjoyed some champagne."...

"You cannot say you are inclusive in name only as a way of getting some kind of kudos. You have to be practising it in everything you do and planning for it."...

Apologising to Zahrah and her family, a Camden Council spokesman said: "The disco is something the school has run for many years, and unfortunately on this occasion it was not possible to book a boat that was fully wheelchair accessible. The school looked to arrange an alternative trip, but Zahrah did not wish to attend.

"Although the Special Educational Needs tribunal felt more could have been done to make the trip accessible it found the school was an inclusive school and did not award any compensation."
(From Hampstead & Highgate Express, 3rd June)

An opinion from a Newsgroup- re "The "I want an apology" Generation"

2006-06-03T15:01:00.000+01:00

The latest addition to the whining "I want an apology" generation are the families of those who drove towards and up Mt. St Helen 25-years ago as the damn thing was getting ready to erupt. When you see a mountain getting ready to boil over, you stay off. What is it with this generation that all feel they have "apologies" owed to them by society. We have the descendants of slaves that not only want official apologies, but also monetary reparations for events that happened anywhere from 130-250 years ago; we have American Indians who want apologies for the westward expansion of the United States and the so-called "loss" of their land; add to this list every other type of self-proclaimed "oppressed minority" who feel they deserve "apologies", and you end up with the biggest kettle of whining crying wimps the world has ever produced. The good people of the United States owe NOBODY an apology. The world should be thanking US for the bright light of democracy and freedom we have given to them.

"Wallowing in Apology"

2006-06-03T14:50:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Don't ask me which one; I haven't decided. But confessing to mistakes is the best way to get attention these days.

Last week commentators had a field day over President George W. Bush's confessing to Iraq related-mistakes for the first time.

No one seemed to notice, however, that the president owned up to errors of diction - choice of words - such as "bring it on" and "dead or alive." For a president who has never claimed to be a wordsmith that is not exactly a soul-baring acknowledgement of error.

The Democrats, of course, have been after him to apologize for going to war in Iraq, for cutting taxes and for practically everything else he has done, including accepting the presidency from the hands of the Supreme Court in 2000.

Such demands are routine political ploys, but the media play along just as they did during the Clinton years when the president was called on to apologize for everything from lying about sex to sending the troops after Somali warlords.

Clinton's favorite apologies were somewhat less than contrite. He tended to say "Yes, mistakes were made." That, of course, is a long way from saying "I messed up."

It leaves the impression that this or that idiot in the president's office or family made the mistake and the president, as the person at whose desk the buck stops, is nobly shouldering the blame.

An even more striking example of the new obsession with apology is the case of the current (June 5) issue of Newsweek magazine, whose cover shouts "Rethinking the Marriage Crunch." The cover story amounts to a retraction of "The Marriage Crunch" in the June 2, 1986, issue of that magazine.

"Newsweek" editors and writers have been on every possible television venue from CNN and Fox and ABC to Dr. Phil - and, for all I know, ESPN and cooking shows - explaining repetitiously why their predecessors two decades ago were wrong.

In case you have been in a coma for the past couple of weeks, the gist of the matter is that the 1986 story sensationalized an academic study saying that "white, college-educated women who fail to marry in their 20s face long odds against ever marrying." (Current figures show that, if anything, the reverse is true.)

And, just to provide a piece of errant diction to really be sorry about, some underling had added to the 1986 story an intendedly humorous aside that a 40-year-old single woman "was more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than marry.

Certainly, looking back from a post-9/11 perspective, the comparison is in the worst possible taste, besides being a wild statistical exaggeration. But now this piece of errant diction has to be apologized for over and over and over, as does the fact that the demographic prediction at the core of the story was wrong.

I suppose that in the end all the groveling will benefit the Newsweek bottom line. But if we had to wallow in apology for every prediction that has gone wrong because the world or society has changed, we'd be doing nothing else.

Imagine your favorite TV meteorologist having to apologize every time it didn't rain when it was supposed to, or did when it wasn't. Suppose a minister had to apologize every time a couple he married filed for divorce? Or an economist had to apologize for being wrong about the next recession? Or a teacher for giving a slightly better or worse grade than a student deserved on a quiz?

Even worse, suppose all of us over-40s had to apologize for mistakes we made 20 years ago?

As Elbert Hubbard said, "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one." The second worst, according to Ed Corson, is to overdose on either apology or denial.
(Article by Ed Corson, The Telegraph,US Newspaper delivered across 32 counties)

Iraqi asks US for compensation & apology for Haditha victims

2006-06-03T14:42:00.000+01:00

BAGHDAD, June 1 (KUNA) -- The Iraqi government asked the US administration Thursday for an apology and compensations for families of victims killed by US Marines in Haditha last November.

A government statement said it requested compensations for families of the 24 civilians who were killed in Haditha town, south of Baghdad, and offer a formal opology for the Iraqi government.

The government, added the statement, rejected such acts against the Iraqi people.

It said the human rights should be respected and those who committed the killings should be punished. (Kuwait News)

'Request' for Video Apology & $250K Donation to charity

2006-06-03T14:37:00.000+01:00

Lindsay Lohan is keeping her cool, relatively speaking, about billion-heir Brandon Davis' bizarre videotaped tirade that ricocheted around the Web a couple of weeks ago.

If you missed it, the vid, shot outside a Hollywood nightclub, had Davis loudly slagging Lohan...Maybe Lohan is mad, but she's also getting even...

A week after the incident, Brandon sent a written apology, but Lindsay reportedly saw that as "too little, too late." Behind closed doors, Lindsay is reportedly demanding a video apology, as well as a $250,000 donation to a charity of her choice.

"The Man Who Apologizes Too Much"

2006-06-03T14:32:00.000+01:00

In the United States these days, a lot of people have been carefully counting each new home run of San Francisco Giants slugger and alleged steroid-freak Barry Bonds as he advances past Babe Ruth’s historic achievement. It’s almost a national pastime here.

But in Taiwan people watch ...how many times President Chen Shui-bian has had to apologize to the nation. And this has almost become Taiwan’s silly national pastime.

In Asia, to be sure, an official apology in general is not necessarily a bad thing. In small quantities, on rare occasions, it can demonstrate a sincere respect for public opinion, a proper sense of shame, and an appropriate attempt to regain dignity.

The most notable, recent example of a classic Asian apology actually took place in New York, where superstar baseball player Hideki Matsui apologized to management, teammates and to his many adoring fans for sustaining an injury that would keep him out of the lineup for months. Even though the injury was an accident, suffered during a game in a fearless effort to make a difficult diving catch, the proud Yankee wanted to say how sorry he felt to have to be removed from the battle.

On the other hand, sometimes the Asian apology, especially when they come in large numbers, month after month, year after year, are less personally ennobling than shameful. This is the case with President Chen, first elected by the good people of Taiwan in March 2000.

In these last six years Taiwan’s president has apologized something like 13 times for 10 different alleged broken promises, misdeeds or misconducts, the latter mostly attributed to family members.

One round of apologies revolved around his wife over allegations of illegal stock trading, another involved a relative accused of corruption, another hit his son-in-law.

This is getting embarrassing.

It is a dishonorable son-in-law drama that is on center stage right now, entertaining all of Asia and serving to remind the entire world that the Chen presidency, taken as a whole, has not exactly amounted to Taiwan’s finest moment. The latest: Chao Chien-ming, the husband of Chen’s daughter, was handcuffed and officially detained by law-enforcement authorities earlier this week on allegations of insider stock trading.

The apology scorecard was not nearly so over-the-top during the administration of Chen’s predecessor, President Lee Teng-hui -only six official apologies for five miscues in 12 years, according to one count.

And as Chen’s opposition is calling for resignation, his die-hard supporters point out that none of the corruption allegations have touched Chen personally. And, at this writing, the incumbent President Chen actually has not yet issued his 14th official apology.

But perhaps the world wont have to wait too long. It’s as if Chen believes that the more he apologies, the more credible he becomes. The apology becomes an act almost of spiritual rejuvenation and public redemption.
(Article from The Korea Times, written by Tom Plate)

Tom Stoppard despairs of "Contest of Apology" England

2006-06-03T13:10:00.000+01:00

In Tom Stoppard's new play Rock 'n' Roll, opening at the Royal Court Theatre in July, the character Lenka tells Jan, "Don't come back (to England), the place has lost its nerve; they put something in the water since you were here. It is a democracy of obedience. They are frightened to use their minds....They apologise for history, they apologise for good manners, they apologise for difference: it is a contest of apology". Being interviewed by Mark Lawson (Front Row 2nd June) Tom Stoppard said "I do think that something has been put in the water between 1968 and 1990. I think the phrases for it "a democracy of obedience", "a contest of apology" -yes, there are things about England now which challenge my congenital anglophilia."

Ken Loach asks "Where is the apology for Empire?"

2006-06-03T13:09:00.000+01:00

Interviewed in the wake of winning the Palme d'Or, the top prize at the Cannes film festival for his film, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, Ken Loach spoke of apology for empire. Asked by the interviewer, "When you spoke of the film being a small step in confronting Britain's imperialist past, what did you mean?"
Ken Loach replied: "Most people are aware that the empire was built on occupying other people's territories, taking their raw materials, subjugating them, taking our language and imposing it on them, and there are many cases of concentration camps and of various massacres in various other countries. I think we have been quite alarmed by the recent statement by people like Gordon Brown, saying that we didn't have anything to apologise for, for the empire. Well, I haven't heard anyone apologising anyway. But I think that is a re-writing of history that we just can't accept."
(From Radio 4's Today programme, 29th May, 8.10am)

No apology, say Irish Sisters of Charity

2006-06-02T11:13:00.000+01:00

31 May 2006 20:16

The Superior General of the Irish Sisters of Charity has said her order would not align itself with other religious orders that have apologised in public for sexual abuse by non-members that took place in their institutions.

Speaking at the Commission to Inquire into Child Abuse this morning, Sr Una O'Neill said she was deeply sorry that sexual abuse had taken place at St Joseph's Institution in Kilkenny.

She said other religious orders had apologised in cases where such abuse had been carried out by members of the order.

However, in the case of the Sisters of Charity, it was the abusers - who were not sisters of the order - who were responsible and should apologise.

Five complaints of sexual abuse have been made in relation to St Joseph's Institution in Kilkenny.

Three of these cases were taken to the High Court before the Redress Board was set up.

Damages of €370,000, €300,000 and €75,000 were awarded in these cases, one of which involved the abuser singing the song Nobody's Child while carrying out the abuse.

As these cases were begun before the Redress Board was set up, the State will pay the damages involved. (Story from RTE News) (For more context and support services for those who experienced abuse, click here)

Slavetrader decendant to wear yoke and chains to make Africa slavery apology

2006-06-02T11:05:00.000+01:00

Written by Ebrima Jaw Manneh (in the Gambian Daily Observer)
Wednesday, 31 May 2006
Mr Andrew Hawkins from Plymouth, the United Kingdom, who claims to be a direct descendant of England’s first slave trader, Sir John Hawkins, will don yokes and chains at the forthcoming Roots International Festival in The Gambia to apologise for the actions of his famous ancestor.
He will be joining the lifeline expedition team, which has been journeying around with whites wearing yokes and chains while Africans and descendants of enslaved Africans accompany them. The Africans are also ready to apologise for selling their brothers and sisters to the European traders. This action is also a means of raising awareness of ongoing slavery and racism at the present time.

Sir John Hawkins is well known for his part in the defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1587, but it is well known that he made slaving voyages with the support of Queen Elizabeth 1 between 1562-1568, sailing in ships such as the Jesus of Lubeck and the Grace of God.

The International Roots Festival commemorates the legendary Kunta Kinteh who according to a novel by Alex Haley was captured at Juffereh in The Gambia and held in the slave fort on James Island until he was transported to Annapolis in Maryland, USA, in a London slave ship, the Lord Ligonier. The lifeline expedition team aims to have representatives from the four European nations, Germany, Holland, France and England who at different times held slaves in the fort. They will kneel and make an apology in the yokes and chains in the fort.

Response to Europeans chained and yoked in a coffle like slaves

White people walking as penitent in chains through former slave ports such as Nantes, Bordeaux, Seville, Lisbon and Charleston South Carolina created considerable interest. They walk not as symbolic slaves; instead, the chains and yokes are the walkers’ chosen symbols of their penitence. There has been wide media coverage, but most importantly, this prophetic action has been well received by descendants of enslaved Africans. In France "Enfin!" was the most common word used. "At last, now we feel that white people are taking our story seriously. Thank you, but so much more needs to be done." Africans walking in the procession in attitude of forgiveness point to the potential for real reconciliation in the future.

Leader of the lifeline expedition, David Pott comments: "The Senegambia region is, of course, a most important region as far as the slave trade and its legacy is concerned. The roots of the system are located here because it was the closest region of Africa to Europe where substantial numbers of Africans were taken captive. The legacy of slavery is still much in evidence in terms of the ongoing poverty in Africa today. I am thankful that in spite of centuries of European oppression, Africa is not bowed down and contributes so richly in our world today. In order to heal historical wounds we must go to the roots, so I am very glad that we are able to come and take part in this significant Roots International Festival. We pray that we will be able to make our contribution in bringing healing and reconciliation." That is why we are coming here. (Story from The Gambian 'Daily Observer')

Workshop on Sensitive Apologies 27th June, Manchester

2006-05-26T12:39:00.000+01:00

Sensitive Apologies? & Victim Clarification
‘Victims’ sometimes seek apologies. ‘Offenders’ may come to a place of remorse, within or without a context of supervision.How do we work with apologies? What makes an apology sensitive? What role has Victim Clarification?

Offenders, often separated from the damage created by their behaviour, struggle to develop empathy for those they hurt.

Survivors, seldom having the opportunity to hear from offenders, frequently wrestle with misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for the abuse.

This workshop will draw on Rowland Coombes’ experience as a senior therapist for the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, working with sex offenders on long-sentences. It will also draw on Paul Crosland’s experience as Head of Restorative Justice, Mediation UK & founder of www.ApologyPlus.org.uk.

The workshop will refer to the following: the Home Office’s Best Practice Guidance for Restorative Practitioners; Beverly Engel’s ‘The Power of Apology’ (focussed on seeking apologies for childhood sexual abuse) & Phil Rich’s Victim Clarification work. There will be excerpts shown of a documentary video (made in the US) that bridges the distance between those who have sexually abused and those who have been hurt, giving each the benefit of hearing directly from the other.

Edit the ApologyPlus pages by joining CommunicatingNeeds yahoo group

2006-05-25T18:10:00.000+01:00

If you want to be make just the smallest contribution to the editing & development of the ApologyPlus website, your best move is to join the CommunicatingNeeds yahoo group. When we have 20 members, access will be opened to the pages where you can collectively edit and add content, using the exciting potential of a wiki.