Apothecary Tales: Pharmacy Awesomeness

Where the F*&! Am I Going???

2012-02-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

It's been a little while folks, but I'm not apologizing for the delay, screw you bastards...I have a life now! Well, not really I have just been lazy as all hell with no urge to write about the shit that is my job as a retail pharmacist. Over the last few months or so I have been wondering where this job is actually gonna take me. And lezbehonest there isn't much growth in the community setting, especially if you are anything like me.
I've been with my company for quite a while now, almost 10 years. That is fucking disgusting just thinking about that. Went from tech to intern to floater to staff and now I've been a pharmacy manager for the last few years with no where else to really go. What's my next step? Can I become a pharmacy district manager? Maybe regional? Maybe CEO? NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL ANY OF THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN! Let's think of the reasons why it could, but never would.

***DISCLAIMER*** The following will make me seem like a pompous, narcissistic, prick, who only thinks of himself and believes he is the greatest thing to ever happen to pharmacy...and in a sense most of it is true. Except! I am actually a super nice guy with a 19 inch penis and I don't follow rules induced by corporate because most of their rules are (for lack of a better word) RETARDED and time consuming with nothing to really gain in the end.

My Pros:
1. I rock the party that rocks the party
2. I keep it fucking realz
3. I am the greatest pharmacist to ever live
4. I listen to my iPod while working and not the garbage soundtrack playing in my store.
5. My patients like me...scratch that...they FUCKING LOVE ME!
6. I can communicate with patients of any race, ethnicity, gender, and sexual orientation like a boss! If you can't talk to your patients then you suck at your job. 95% of our job is how you talk to your customer.
7. Every employee is treated equally. Front end, back end, janitors, photo chicks, techs, everyone!
8. I buy lunch...all the time.
9. My "numbers" in essence of what my boss expects of me are the best in my district in every category
10. I immunize 2 arms at once, all while getting my dick sucked by an STD-free-hot-girl patient.
11. I am the Highlander!

The cons... AKA the reason I will never be promoted beyond pharmacy manager

1. I am not a kiss ass. At all. In any way. Ever.
2. What I am on here is pretty fucking accurate to what I am in real life. Obnoxious, sarcastic, sometimes funny, a good listener and MOST IMPORTANTLY, brutally honest. And this my friends is what makes me good at what I do.
3. I hate wearing suits. I look good in them, but I hate wearing them.
4. Corporate bullshit is bullshit
5. I run my pharmacy under my rules and not the boss'
6. My boss doesn't like the fact that my pharmacy runs very efficiently without his grundle rules
7. I am better looking than my boss
8. I ask questions
9. I don't vacuum the pharmacy, I make my tech do it
10. I don't promote flu shots on the phone
11. I don't call MD's for refills if I don't like the customer. I make his welfare fucking ass do it himself cause he's 48 years old and has never worked a minute of his life but I pay his taxes and in turn pay for his section 8 housing and free meds. Fuck him and all like him.
12. I'm a misanthrope

So there it is, the reasons I will never get promoted. It's fairly simple. But in reality I don't mind at all. Why would I want to be? More money would be nice, but I'm not broke. I enjoy not being hated, they obviously don't mind. And to all of you out there currently working in the shithole of retail pharmacy, just be grateful you even have a job right now cause unless all chains change their business plans for us as pharmacists it's not gonna get any better for a while.

Until I decide to write again,
The MotherFucking Highlander!

PEACE!

I Have A Smart Phone!!!

2011-09-27T09:23:00.000-04:00

Remember folks, just because you have a smart phone, it doesn't make you smart!

   I have lots of patience...LOTS! You have to in the wonderful-almost-seems-imaginary world of retail pharmacy. It's uber tough working out there, especially with what seems to be an increased population of fucking morons that take up the majority of society nowadays. I DO NOT however have patience with fucktards that have no grasp of the english language. Now before you jump all over me, I am not talking about people with english as a second language. I am talking about those fucking morons with their fucking moron parents and fucking moron grandparents who can't even put 6 words together to make a comprehensible sentence. I am talking about the ones who dropped out of kindergarten and get fucked up at the L-M-N-O-P part of the Alphabet song. The ones that can't count to 512 but recognize what the characters look like on a pill. Now it's bad enough when they are stupid right in front of your face but for me at least, I get more irritated when it's on the phone.

  Not sure about the rest of you, but I hate the phone. Unless it's a new RX being called in I usually don't have time to shoot the shit with you over the phone for 3 minutes while you are yelling at your kid in the background...FUCK OFF! If I ask you a question, do not answer with the following, "Well you see...my kid...eats a bath...and there is corn...and the car fought the pretzel...and I gots reports of things...and I ate...and yeah refill it...and diarrhea happened...and then the Hamburglar"... HUH?...Exactly!

   Someone needs to teach these people proper phone etiquette. It's not enough that you have a slow-talking computerized voice giving you prompts on the phone when you call the pharmacy. It's not! If the prompt says dial 1 if you are a prescriber, DONT DIAL 1 IF YOU ARENT A FUCKING PRESCRIBER! If the prompt says dial 2 to leave a message, DONT DIAL 2 AND START PUNCHING IN FUCKING NUMBERS! Cause this will lead me to have to answer my message line just to hear the beeping of numbers. I don't like wasting my time on nonsense! If the prompt says dial 3 to enter your refill numbers, DONT DIAL 3 AND START TALKING AND THEN CALL ME BACK TELLING ME YOU TRIED CALLING IN REFILLS BUT THE PHONE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND YOU...NO FUCKING SHIT YOU FUCKING MORON!

   I think you can determine a pt's drug compliance based on how they speak over the phone and what prompts they hit to get to you. If they hit the prescriber line and they aren't a prescriber, or did any of the other thing mentioned above, they obviously don't follow directions well and clearly would not be able to understand a prednisone taper typed out for them.

WHEN I PICK UP THE PHONE I SAY, "PHARMACY, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"

Do NOT be silent for more than 2 seconds, I WILL HANG UP ON YOU!

Do NOT continue a conversation you were having with your baby daddy regarding your unpaid car note and broken XBox, I WILL HANG UP ON YOU!

Do NOT have the first words you say, "Is my prescription ready?"...WHO ARE YOU? GIVE ME A NAME? I give you 2 seconds to continue your sentence and if no name is mentioned I HANG UP ON YOU!

Do NOT tell me to HOLD ON as soon as I pick up... cause guess what? I WILL HANG UP ON YOU!

Do NOT ask me if I have Maxwell House Coffee on sale today...not my fucking job! I WILL HANG UP ON YOU!

Do NOT call me and ask for the phone number at the pharmacy down the road I WILL HANG UP ON YOU!

Do NOT call me asking for cash prices on #180 Oxycodone 30mg, I WILL KEEP YOU ON HOLD FOR 5 MINUTES! and then HANG UP ON YOU!

Basically what I am trying to say is, DONT CALL ME!

I hate people!

Keep it Realz!

- The Highlander

The Unofficial Start of Busy Season!

2011-09-06T10:48:00.000-04:00

   Welcome back all you crazy rat bastard pharmacy folks...I hope you all enjoyed a wonderful day off yesterday...sorry to those of you that had to actually work. Just remember all pharmacies work 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 366 days a year (367 on a leap year)...unless of you work in a fake pharmacy like Walmart where you don't follow the same rules as the rest of the pharmacy world...and you get lunch breaks....I fucking hate Walmart and their all day mutant population along with their indoor flea market infrastructure.
   Well, today marks the unofficial start of Fall which means, traffic gets suckier in the mornings since kids go back to school, pharmacies get much busier since more people will start getting sick, and of course, the frenzy that is FluShotFest 2011!!!
   I don't mind administering flu shots, I really don't...HOWEVER, when I have to fill 59 prescriptions, answer 6 telephones, ring up 12 people in line for Snickers and Tide, and deal with a guy who just shit himself all with 0 tech help...I tend to mind...I tend to mind a whole fucking lot.
   I totally understand where our profession is heading, and no its not growth in MTM (this has been talked about for a decade now and insurances still don't want to pay for us to counsel, SINCE WE ALREADY FUCKING DO IT ANYWAYS!), no it's not towards a more patient-pharmacist oriented interaction (patients don't have patience to wait 15 minutes for an RX to be finished, you think they want to spend more time in a pharmacy??? NO!), and no it isn't a more clinical aspect (you want more clinical, GO BECOME A PHYSICIAN!)...Our profession is and has been for a while now a strictly "fast food" pharmacy. As much as all our corporate bastards preach to us about customer service, they don't give a fuck...they want an extra dollar. As much as they want us to be safe and check interactions and make sure no one gets the wrong dosage, they don't give a fuck...they want a prescription done within 3 minutes, scanned, typed, checked, counted, checked again, and sold all in 3 minutes or less. Fuck 15 minutes, they say, let's go for 3! Now on top of all this shit, the infinite advertising of flu shots in every pharmacy on every street in every city in the USA has begun. Every big chain in the country, including Walmart and Target has begun their TV, Radio, and Print campaigns urging people to get their Flu Shots before the big Porcine-legume-swine-H1N4 pandemic hits. And no matter where it is, it's always the same advertisement..."Walk-ins welcome, All Day, Any Day, 24 hours a day, did we say All Day, Any Day already? Oh well, once more won't hurt...All Day, Any Day!" (in a nutshell)...WRONG! It should be:

"Walk-in accepted on any days except for Mondays, days after a holiday, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, days with no technician help, and days when there is a call out...therefore you can only WALK IN to get a flu shot on Thursdays between 8:15 PM and 8:49 PM, otherwise, you must call us to make an appointment so we can be ready for you, and if you miss your appointment, you still get charged for your shot and next time I see you, I inject you in the eye"

Fuck this game.

Till we meet again, I'm outta here...

-The Highlander

FREE Birth Control for All!

2011-08-03T09:04:00.000-04:00

Hello folks, first of all regarding the last entry by "Cyrus the Virus," I just wanted to gauge a perspective on whether or not posts like that would be read on my site. I only received 2 comments, 1 not too positive, and 1 seemed not to care. I know it's not my typical style but once in a while I think a little seriousness to our profession is required. But don't worry, I already made sure that if/when he writes again, there will be cursing and hopefully some humor to it...anyways, on with today's program!

  In case you assholes here don't read the news and just lollygag through your days like the zombies you are at work at, let me fill you in on something...STARTING AUGUST 2012, IT WILL NOW BE MANDATORY FOR ALL INSURANCES TO COVER ORAL CONTRACEPTIVES (OCs) FOR $0.00 A.K.A. ZERO FUCKING DOLLARS!

READ ABOUT IT HERE: Free Birth Control for Everybody!!!!

   It seems Obama and friends FINALLY got something right, and if you crazy Jesus freaks come on here to start preaching about some bullshit about the bible, I will come to your house and hang mezuzah's all over your doors. Don't know what a mezuzah is? Go look it up! Moving on here. I obviously don't know the full logistics of this but all insurance companies have a year to figure it out, not sure if this will be for EVERY OC out there, cause believe it or not, not every one comes in generic. Will brand names be $0.00??? Who knows? Big pharma and all their minions will figure it out. But all I know is...

HALLELUJAH!!!! WELFARE AND MEDICAID REJOICE!!! WHIP OUT YOUR PURPLE DRANK AND GET YOUR OXY'S ROLLIN, START FUCKING LIKE IT'S NO ONE'S BUSINESS! CAUSE BABYMAMA AND BABYDADDY CAN NOW AFFORD TO PREVENT ANOTHER CRACKBABY TO BE BORN!

Everyone here has probably at least once had the situation when a patient does not want/can't afford to pay her copay for her birth control. I'm not gonna make any jokes on how they can pay whatever the price is for their Suboxone and meth, I'm not gonna do it. But now, there will be a less excuse for unwanted babies. And yes it is a big unfortunate circumstance how many asshole people have unwanted babies while many others have the most difficult time in even conceiving one. You can see it perfectly in the waiting room's of a pharmacy. It's usually a 17 year old who can barely handle herself cursing out her 3 year old daughter, while a 35 year old is filling her 4th cycle of Clomid, praying that this time it will work. Sigh...this is our society.
   Also...PLAN B, the wonderful godsend will also be FREE!!! What?!?!?! Are we now proposing it's OK to have as much unprotected sex as humanly possible? Well...kinda...sorta...yeah. But don't forget you crazy animals, there are still those nasty little things known as STD's out there...Nah! Who cares about STD's right? As long as your partner has one too, then you can share everything and it's all good. Oy vey! I can almost guarantee that Plan B will only be free with an RX. Imagine that crazy whore that already comes in every weekend for her bolus levonorgestrel fix, now she's gonna come in wanting that shit for free? Fuck that noise, you still have to have some dignity right? Eh...probably not.
  I have no problem with this new law, I actually applaud it. In the long run, by making a $30 - $80 birth control free, imagine all the money it is going to save this government in health care costs amongst other costs required to raise a child. Who knows, maybe that unwanted baby was going to be born into a crack smoking, Suboxone licking, purple drank drinking, whore house where Hepatitis C was as popular as the Herpes, imagine how much expense the government has just saved on that lost cause. Of course this will not stop this completely but it sure as shit will help. Just wait and see, in about 20 years a study will come out showing the economic boost this one little law caused.

The Realz Keeper,
The Highlander

The GUEST BLOGGER Blog!

2011-08-01T07:03:00.001-04:00

Alright folks, it's time for me to step aside for once. The following entry is from a great friend of mine, he knows his shit so I respect what he says. I've known him going on a good 10 years now and I am very happy he wanted to participate on this piece of shit site. Don't expect any FUCK Bombs or the use of the word GRUNDLE or FUCKTARD or COCKSMOKER or CUNTFACE or anything else virgin eyes wouldn't dare reas. He's all business folks, and who knows, maybe he will be a more frequent writer on here? Let your comments run wild and let him and I know if you enjoyed it. Lots of time went into thinking up a pseudonym for him too. So...WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I PRESENT TO YOU...

Cyrus the Virus

“Learning about the past will help us navigate the future.” I believe it’s a famous quote by someone, but unless you know that individual, please feel free to use it and take credit for it. In a moment the quote will make more sense. But first allow me to introduce myself. Highlander and I have been friends for quite some time. We shared the agony and turmoil of being classmates and roommates in college and among the many things that now makes our friendship a true bromance, is our passion for everything pharmacy. While Highlander was always destined to be in retail, I took a different path (let’s keep it a mystery for now). It is this slightly different point of view that I hope to bring to Highlander’s fans every once in a while by posting on this up and coming blog.

Just like with every other career in medicine, our profession has been evolving quite a bit. I believe that there are drastic changes happening right now (most not good) but since they are gradual, it is hard to notice or react. But this is not the time or place to explore that. Enough “experts” have weighed in on these issues and all of us already know about them. Personally, I am not a big fan of generalizations or expert opinions. There are just too many variables in our profession to group everyone under one title and try to assess us. But in my amateur research to explore some interesting topics to write about, I did come across an article published in a 2000 issue of Pharmacotherapy (a pretty reputable literature source) titled: A Vision of Pharmacy's Future Roles, Responsibilities, and Manpower Needs in the United States. This was a white paper (definition: authoritative report or guide that helps solve a problem) by the American College of Clinical Pharmacy (again, a pretty reputable organization) whose purpose was to examine “the pharmacy profession’s future.” And so there I was, sitting in 2011, looking at a 31-page report written a decade ago by “experts” making predictions and recommendations on how our profession will be today. I just had to explore further.

And now back to the opening quote. I decided to glance at this paper and share some interesting points with you, if for no other reason, then see how far (or near) we’ve come.

I’m hoping you understand that to fully and accurately summarize a 31-page article would take quite an effort and time commitment, neither of which I have at the moment. There is, however, an executive summary if you are that interested. To keep things high-level, I’ve included the main predictions about “Vision for the Future” highlighted in the paper (the most interesting part of the article), as well as some personal opinions to put things in perspective.

If pharmacists' professional roles remain unchanged, manpower requirements will be determined primarily by cost-driven changes in drug distribution management. These changes eventually could produce an environment that requires fewer pharmacists to support the future health care system successfully.

Whoa. That’s a very well worded sentence that basically says if pharmacists don’t start to get paid directly for patient care, our job security and future will be based solely on how well drugs are reimbursed. Considering reimbursement is not good right now and we are indeed seeing a saturation of pharmacists in retail and no diversity in job roles, I’d say that was a pretty accurate statement.

Society will become increasingly technology literate and technology driven. Technology will be deployed fully to dispense most prescriptions, provide drug information to patients, and facilitate the exchange of patient-specific data among and within health care systems.

Considering you can now order a refill through an app and most pharmacies’ software are way-too-advanced-for-everyone’s-good, I’d say they were right on again. I remember just a few years back pharmacists at Target were using notebooks to keep track of filled scripts.

Pharmacy will transform itself from a primarily product-centered profession to a patient care-oriented profession.

Not even close. Everyone was banking on this being true. But it’s not. No matter what progress we think has been made with immunizations, MTMs, disease state management, counseling, etc., our profession is still all about drug reimbursement (obviously speaking about the retail setting).

Patient care rendered by pharmacists, including those not directly involved with drug product distribution, will be reimbursed by payers.

Nope. Still waiting.

State boards of pharmacy and governmental legislation will enable and facilitate pharmacists' patient care activities, both individually and in collaboration with other health care professionals.

Neither the state boards nor any governmental legislation (with the exception of perhaps Medicare Modernization Act, which is still unclear) have helped us much. Individual insurances are in charge of deciding if and how pharmacists will get reimbursed for certain services.

Technician certification will be mandated to protect the public.

Although there has been a lot of talk about this, the only reason for a technician today to become certified is to get a few extra bucks.

Pharmacy schools will experience an unprecedented increase in graduates due to a continued rise in demand for pharmacists, popularity of health care careers, and an increased visibility of pharmacists' patient care roles in the 21st century.

Totally true. Huge increase in applicantions to most pharmacy schools, even in places like North Dakota (yes, there is a pharmacy school in ND). But, unfortunately, not because of the visibility or popularity of our profession, it seems pharmacist salary is a major factor.

The executive summary mentions patient care 15 times. It’s quite obvious that the “experts” were banking that by 2011 these services would be fully reimbursed. Although there has been some progress, pharmacy remains the only health care profession that is reimbursed primarily through sale of a product rather than for delivery of patient-specific services. That’s a bit scary with today’s economy.

If you are still with me, I want to jump into a few specific examples (actually, numbers). Interestingly, when the “experts” were making their future predictions back in 2000, prescription drug spending was rising quite nicely, as a matter of fact until the early 2000’s annual drug spending was growing at double-digit rates compared to single-digit rates for hospital and physician services. You have to give the “experts” credit for predicting that even though the world of retail pharmacy was growing fast back then (and hence profitable), it was not going to keep climbing. And so since the early 2000’s, there has a poor increase in annual drug spending (for example, in 2008 it went up only 3%). The rationale as to why is a bit too complicated to go into now, but as you can guess, economy has something to do with it.

And here is some pleasant news: the average pharmacist salary in the last 10 years has continued to climb from $69,440 to $109,380 (we are obviously needed). But with 3,679,671,222 prescriptions filled in pharmacies in 2009 alone, retail pharmacists have become overworked, aggravated human dispensing machines. Let’s hope things change for the better soon.

Please share your thoughts!

Thanks for reading,

Cyrus The Virus

Please not that the following websites were used as references:

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/409605
http://www.kff.org/rxdrugs/upload/3057-08.pdf
http://www.bls.gov/oes/oes_arch.htm

Don't Stop Suboxing!!!

2011-07-26T09:34:00.000-04:00

Here you go folks!

The newest single from the Highlander...

"Don't Stop Suboxing!"

Enjoy it...

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter @ApothecaryTales, Facebook me, and of course follow my Youtube page as well

The HIV/AIDS Pharmacy Patient!

2011-07-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

   A long time ago there was this monkey, and he was infected with some crazy monkey virus, and Dustin Hoffman was there, as was Morgan Freeman, and that chick who showed her titties in the remake of the "Thomas Crowne Affair" with the 2nd best James Bond ever. Well anyways, this monkey caused an "Outbreak" and even though Dustin Hoffman saved the day, the outbreak still spread. It spread all over the world actually. It spread to heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, Magic Johnson, Freddy Mercury, Greg Louganis, Jenny from Forrest Gump, and MILLIONS OF OTHERS IN THE WORLD, many have survived, many have died.

   I promise you guys, this will actually be a serious post.

   Years ago, while I was still a student still working as an intern in a pharmacy, I will never forget a patient that came in to pick up his meds. It was a a bag of roughly 15 medications, it contained everything over the moon to treat everything under the moon. Heart meds, allergy meds, COPD meds, Warfarin, diabetes meds, meds for heatburn, meds for shingles, and a few others that stuck out including Norvir and Truvada.
   Now, I'm not sure about the rest of you, but for me ever since elementary school it has always been drilled into my head that amongst the ways of transmitting HIV, talking to someone and just shaking a hand is NO WAY OF POSSIBLY GETTING INFECTED...this leads into the main part of my story. Working with me that day was another intern, a few years younger than me, not terrible looking, but a fucking retard to say the least. She was ringing up the patient, stopped to browse the meds, left the bag at the register and came to the pharmacist and asked the following, "Does he have AIDS?" The pharmacist looked up the drug profile real quick and confirmed it. "Well I'm not ringing him up then, I can't put myself in that kind of danger," said the fucktard chick. The pharmacist became confused and couldn't believe she had to explain to someone trying to become a pharmacist that she would be fine ringing him up. I of course overheard this and while the pharmacist was teaching the dumbass how to behave professionally I went over to ring the guy up and send him on his way.
   I am not sure what constitutes having a lot of HIV patients. I work in a very mixed neighborhood, not as ghetto as the real ghetto, I still get my good share of junkies, but it ain't the burbs. There is no HIV Clinic anywhere near me but I have about 8 to 10 pts who keep my Norvir, Reyetaz, Truvada, Isentress, Prezista, and others well stocked. As a pharmacist you are not there to judge them. I don't care if they are straight, gay, junkie, an NBA Hall of famer, or have 3 tits, they have a disease, just like Diabetes or Colitis are diseases. There should be no reason to ever discriminate against anyone with any type of illness. This is one main reason I do sell syringes to obvious junkies, why the fuck would I want to the help in the possible spreading of HIV or hepatitis or anything else to humanity. If I have a student for a month I make sure they are counseling a pt on any HIV regimen, if they ever disagree I will call their school and try to have them failed for this rotation. As much as I joke around, I do work professionally and I urge every pharmacist, technician, physician, nurse, lawyer, athlete, janitor, actor, comedian, tele-evangelist to not be so ignorant. YOU DO NOT GET HIV OR AIDS BY JUST TALKING TO SOMEONE AND OFFERING CONSULTATIONS ON HOW TO PROPERLY TAKE THEIR MEDICATIONS!

Keep it realz,
The Highlander

Stay in Your Own Scope of Medicine!

2011-07-09T14:30:00.000-04:00

Based on a true story. (as usual)

   One of the beneficial things in being a PharmDizzle working in retail is that I get to see the same MD's scripts every single day. I get to learn their handwriting (MAKES ME MORE EFFICIENT), I get to know how they sign their name (THIS PREVENTS ME FROM FILLING FAKES), I find out if they know what the fuck they are doing (THE MORE I CALL YOU TO ASK A QUESTION, THE DUMBER YOU AS A PHYSICIAN PROBABLY ARE, THE LESS LIKELY I WOULD EVER RECOMMEND A PT TO SEE YOU), and lastly, I of course learn what kind of medicine they practice (MD, DO, DDS, DPM, etc...), it's on the RX pad.
That being said, I got this phone call a few days ago:

The Highlander (H): Pharmacy, how may I be of assistance?
Dr. Douche-Scrotum (DDS; yes like a Dentist): Hi, this is Dr. Douche-Scrotum. It's hyphenated. I need to call in a script.
H: Sure, who's the patient?
DDS: DOB 5 - 5 - 85, Name: Juwanna Mann
H: OK, what does Ms. Mann need?
DDS: Give her a refill on her Ortho-Tri-Cyclen Lo.
H: Umm...
DDS: Oh yeah and with infinite refills too.
H: Umm...
DDS: And please give her a refill for Nexium 40mg, a bunch of refills too...like eleventy billion of them.
H: Umm...
DDS: My office number is 555-9876
H: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up a second hoss.
DDS: Is there a problem?
H: You said you're Dr. Douche-Scrotum, right?
DDS: Yep that's me.
H: Your office is right across the street, right?
DDS: Yep
H: The one with the giant smiling tooth, right?
DDS: Yep
H: So, if I put 2 and 2 together... I'm gonna throw a wild guess out there, and PLEASE, correct me if I'm wrong, BUT, you are a dentist, right?
DDS: Yep
H: So my question is for you sir...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL AND ACID REFLUX? Is gynecology a new hobby of yours? Do you also do endoscopys in your office?
DDS: No not exactly, the patient is my niece, so I'm just giving refills on her prescriptions.
H: FAIL...EPIC, EPIC, FAIL DR. DOUCHE-SCROTUM, that is a big no no. The Highlander will have none of this.

...this went on for a while of his dumbass still trying to get his niece some refills until he finally hung up on me.

   This was also not the first time this has happened, different doc, similar situations. It happens all the time, so to my fellow pharmacists, make sure you know details about the physician prescribing stuff. PRESCRIBING OUT OF SCOPE is not allowed, it's also an auditors dream to come in and see an RX with a DDS writing for something a dentist should have no business with, or a chiropractor writing for Allegra, or podiatrist writing for Percocet....wait the last one is allowed. I am here to spread the law, and gosh darn it, I will spread it like herpes.

Keep it realz, it's fucking hot outside.
   - The Highlander

The Rash of RX Crimes!

2011-06-30T08:13:00.002-04:00

Ok folks, this is as open ended as it gets.

What do you do to prevent this shit from happening?

Here are a few links to articles regarding current pharmacy crimes:

Gatineau Pharmacy Robbed of Oxycontin - 6/30/2011
Drugstore Owner Shoots Robbery Suspect - 6/29/2011
At Least 4 Dead in LI Pharmacy Shooting - 6/19/2011

I had to throw the first one in to show that this issue is not just in the states, Canada get hit as well, therefore this is developing into a possible worldwide epidemic. No longer will cocaine need to smuggled from Columbia. It will be Oxycontin and Vicodin getting packed up in peoples assholes.

Are pharmacies the new banks? Is this where every new heist movie will take place? Imagine 'Heat' or 'Inside Job' taking place in a pharmacy instead of a bank, this is where we are heading. Who needs to take control of this? Is it the DEA? The state boards of pharmacy? Obama? Mr. CVS? Mr. RiteAid? Mr. Walgreens? Mr. Publix? It definitely won't be Mr. Walmart. Do I need to start packing heat? Wear a bullet proof vest? Keep my gates closed and do drive-thru only? I did not sign up for this shit.

-The Highlander

The I Hate People Blog!

2011-06-27T12:59:00.000-04:00

   Everyone knows the old adage, "The customer is always right." Well I am here today to further say NO, SHUT THE FUCK UP CUSTOMER! YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I AM FUCKING SMART! YOU SMELL LIKE FUCKING BALL SWEAT AND SHIT! NO!!! YOU ARE NEVER FUCKING RIGHT BUT ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG!!!! YOU, CUSTOMER, ARE AN EPIC FUCKING FAIL AND I HATE YOUR FUCKING FACE!
   Sorry about that little tirade...actually no I'm not sorry at all. Of all my (self-thought) hilarious posts I muster up on the Twitter, I had a serious one I put up last week which earned me 14 Retweets at last count (a new record for the Highlander). For those of you not in the Twitter-verse yet a Retweet is when someone spits out his/her thought of a 140 character limit and then someone else "quotes" it for others to read as well. So, I had written the following piece of philisophical genius:

"This job makes you look at society differently. I judge everyone and I hate them all too. #PHARMACY"

Apparantley, at least 14 people agreed with me and retweeted this to thousands of others, I actually felt impressed with myself even though such gems as "It's funny that Suboxone is orange flavored. I think it would have less street value if it tasted like a testicle though" wasn't as popular.

So, onto the real issue.

   I find it sad that my job makes me think this way, the one where I hate everyone, not the Suboxone one, c'mon, pay attention people. I remember when I used to have some faith in society. Now, I can't stand it. I feel as if I am the only person in the world that wasn't raised by animals and that everyone I encounter on a daily basis is a total piece of shit asshole that wants to do everything in their ability to make my day a living hell. Am I the only person that has manners? Am I the only person with patience? Am I the only person that "played well with others" in kindergarten? I learned at a very young age to respect other people, I learned to listen, share, be friendly, sincere, wipe front to back, and most importantly I learned how to be a real human being. Who taught these people to be such scum?
   Please don't preach to me, that I chose this profession knowing all well what people are like, thank you I know where I work. At a certain point though I began to feel pity for these people, pity then turned into annoyance, and eventually annoyance turned into not trusting anyone in society and tending to hate everyone. Now, I am fully aware that there are nice people in the world, contrary to beliefs I am actually a pretty nice person too. I have many patients whom I love talking to about anything just cause they are genuine and good people. But after 10 years of doing this shit you learn to realize it just takes a couple grundles to ruin your outlook on society. I spent the weekend with the family out of town, and as my wife and I love to do, we people watch a lot. Don't judge me, all you fucks do it too. She is a lot nicer than me and tried to pick out the good from people, all I saw was the bad. When I go out in public and see people walking around with limps and coughing, I try to determine if they are real ailments or just a facade they put on to ensure their doctor prescribes them some pain meds or prometh with codeine. If I see a 40-something year old female, I automatically assume she has depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I work up an entire drug profile, it consists of generic Xanax, Ambien, and Zoloft. I look at her and wonder where her life went wrong. I wonder what kind of customer she is. I assume she is a full blown twat that demands her prescriptions done in 3 minutes. I assume she complains about her copay and I assume she always tries to fill her meds too early. I also assume she is blowing 3 different doctors to get this shit prescribed for her. I'm sick and twisted, I know, but you are reading this and kinda sorta agreeing too. Now, that's just one example but I tend to do this with everyone, movie theatre ushers, supermarket cashiers, pornstars, news anchors, and even some animals. I know, I'm weird. But I know many physicians who have told me they do similar things. They watch people walk a certain way and try to diagnose them with a problem they probably don't have. I mean we all judge people, I just do it a different way.
  Why can't people be nice? I as a pharmacist really am trying to help you. I take your RX and make sure you don't die taking it, what could be nicer than that? I am trying to save your life as much as your doctor is, really I am. I have good days and bad days just like all the rest of you, but I have NEVER brought the bad into work with me, that would make me work more on emotions and less on thought, that's when I would kill you. One day I hope my outlook on people will change, but I don't think it ever will. I mean how can it? There will forever be drug seekers and just plain ol' pieces of shit people, and now with this crazy rash of pharmacy thefts nationwide, I must be even more on the defensive. Like I have said in a previous post, it is my job to judge a book by its cover, I just wish I didn't have to.

The Realz Keeper,
   The Highlander

Respect My Authoritaaayyy!

2011-06-14T00:35:00.001-04:00

   I had an interesting conversation the other night with #DrSnit a.k.a Dr. Snitty McHotterson, who by the way is a real life sociologist (Dr.Snit's Blog) and #Redheadedpharm, who by the way is a real life ginger (TheRedHeadedPharmacist.com) via the twitter world. In a nutshell we spoke about all of us being peers in the medical field. Obviously theRedheaded one and I can relate to each other very well considering we do the exact same shit everyday. I am pretty sure we as pharmacists all have a mutual respect for one another. I would even go so far as to say I have respect for pharmacists in other fields besides retail because I know we all went through the same type of stress during school. HOWEVER, my job is much harder than a pharmacist sitting in a basement of a hospital or behind a desk at a Pharma Co...I respect the hell out of any physician, whether they are a MD or DO just cause I know they "should be" smarter than us and are "usually" under much more pressure than us when making medical decisions. There are obviously exceptions here...I give mad props to all the nurses in the world because they do a job that the majority of us world never be able to handle. The main reason for this post is that Dr. Snit actually considers me a peer. She might not be a practicing physician but I know she reads this blog as well the Redheads, as well as Angry's, as well as reading all our bitchfits on twitter, but what makes her amongst the rare 2% (guesstimate) people that actually respect what we do for them?
   Now I am going to stick to what I know and that is retail. I have been in it for over 10 years and got to learn a lil' sumpin' sumpin' about how the pharmacy world works. As big of an ego most of us pharmacists have, yes even I have one, we are actually nothing without the physicians that drive our business. It is as easy to understand as if docs stopped prescribing, we would stop dispensing, we would have no jobs. Now this might be a far fetched idea since they have no choice but to defer the slave labor job of counting by 5's to us, or robots in the near distant future, but think about it, without physicians we would have nothing to do. Is there where it starts?
   From our first days on earth we are taught that when we are sick we see a doctor, we have a tummy ache, we see a doctor, we have a rash on our shaft, we see a doctor. We are taught that we must respect the doctor. We learn that doctor's have power, what they say goes. Why? Because they are trying to help, and if anyone volunteers (for a small deductible) to help you, you, in return will respect them. We don't get that same love. Not sure why exactly, maybe it's the fact we can't prescribe? Maybe it's cause we are the last stop of the day and we are held to such a different standard since, well, you know, all we do is count pills.
   We as pharmacists have a respect for physicians. We have to. We respect their knowledge, we assume they are responsible, and we must develop a huge trust in them without ever having met them. We have to. We take their bullshit hours of working Monday 8AM to 9:30AM then back in the office 5PM to 7PM, Tuesday and Thursday off, Wednesday 3PM to 6:30PM, Friday for emergencies only, and The weekend "Good fucking luck reaching me." We have to. We deal with their bitchy receptionists who love to put us on hold for an hour forgetting to hit the mute button so we can hear them discuss what tampon brand they wear. We have to. We deal with all their patient complaints that SHOULD BE directed towards them but instead get spit at us. We deal with their fucking illegible handwriting trying to decipher the secret of the Sphinx on an RX. We deal with the DAW1 Bactroban 2% Cream RX no matter how many times we tell you that the welfare mama's prescription coverage will only cover the generic ointment. We deal with insurance much more than you do. We have to. We are the UNPROFESSIONAL ones!
  But how about the rest of you 98% physicians, nurses, PA's, CrNP's, whoever else...do you respect us? Do you understand what we can do for you? Do you understand what we do DO for you? Or do you just look at us like the majority of patients look at us? When you call us with a question, are you thankful we answered it? What if we started taking messages and call you back 24 to 48 hours later? Would you mind that? What if we weren't open on a weekend to help a mother who's child has a 101 degree fever but instead has to interrupt your golf game? What if I took a lunch? What if we didn't know the formulary to every primary insurance in the area? What if we didn't catch your mistake of Warfarin 10mg instead of the correct 1mg? Would you respect us then?
   Maybe I am way off base with this entry. Maybe there is a mutual respect between physicians and pharmacists that I am missing out on, maybe I am just the only pharmacist that gets treated this way? Please please please correct me if I am wrong. We know you guys are busy but you have no idea what we go through. I am just glad there are some people out there like Dr. Snit that take time to try to find out.

- The Highlander

The Blue Pill Man!

2011-06-06T16:42:00.000-04:00

This is a usual scenario when someone needs their Viagra...enjoy!

<Phone Rings>

Me: Pharmacy, how can I help you?

Blue Pill Man (BPM): (Voice is always raspy) Yeah, good morning, I need one please?

Me: Umm....one what?

BPM: You know?

Me: No I don't

BPM: (Now whispering) Yea you do. It's me.

Me: Me who?

BPM: (getting angry) IT'S ME!

Me: OK well Mr. Me, I don't have you in my system

BPM: No! It's me and I need one pill

Me: One pill of what?

BPM: It!

Me: It who?

BPM: Fucking dammit, are you really gonna make me say it?

Me: Should I guess?... Is it Valtrex?

BPM: No its not fucking Valtrex?

Me: Should I keep guessing? Cause I love playing games.

BPM: (SUPER ANGRY WHISPER) NO! I need one of my Viagra

Me: Ohhhhhhhhh....OK.

BPM: Can I get it in like 10 minutes?

Me: Yea probably

BPM: Awesome! How much is it again?

ME: Its $26.84

BPM: FOR ONE LITTLE PILL??? GET THE FUCK OUT? I never paid that much before! And besides what loser pays almost 30 bucks just to get his dick hard?

Me: Ummm you sir?

BPM: Did you try one of my discount cards?

Me: No I didn't

BPM: Why the fuck not?

Me: Cause I don't know who you are

BPM: What do you mean?

ME: I mean I have no idea who you are. As much as you want to believe that I memorize every patients voice as well as their penis problems, I really don't have those Professor X abilities. I need your name.

BPM: Oh yea you might need that. Do I really have to tell you?

Me: Ummmmmmm....probably?

BPM: But my daughter is standing next to me?

Me: So?

BPM: I don't want her knowing my dick don't work?

Me: But it doesn't

BPM: I KNOW THAT!

Me: Yea me too

BPM: Fine. I will tell you!

Me: You have no choice

BPM: It's Barry

Me: Barry? OK Barry, what's your last name?

BPM: What the fuck!!! You need that too?

Me: You are not the only Barry in the world

BPM: You mean there are Barry's out there with dick problems?

Me: Huh? What? Well...yes probably. Sir, what is your last name? I need to go stand for another 10 hours and I will need full concentration

BPM: Fine...it's Bluepillman

Me: Ok Barry Bluepillman.. Found you. 1 pill will be done in 10 minutes and your discount card took it down to $26.81

BPM: That's better! See you in a bit

Me: Take care sir

< Two Minutes Later >

A 458 pound scummy fat fuck approaches the counter with his XXXXXXL gut hanging over his pants and crushing his penile area. Now you know why his dick is broke. His gut is suffocating it...

BMP: Hey I'm here
Me: Hi who are you
BPM: It's me (wink)
Me: Oh...Barry?
BPM: Yep. Is it ready?
Me: You just called 2 minutes ago. The label hasn't even printed out of the printer.
BPM: So is it ready?
Me: No not yet.
BPM: But I said, "I'd be there in 10 minutes."
Me: Yea but it's only been 2
BPM: It's one pill buddy, what takes so long
Me: ...
BPM: Fine I'll wait
Me: I know

< Nine minutes later, cause you have to make him wait 11 minutes to fill >

Me: Mr. Bluepillman, you are all set
BMP: Finally!
Me: OK its $26.81
BMP: That's with my card right?
Me: Right
BMP: Good, cause every penny counts
Me: Yep
BMP's Daughter: Daddy is that your Blue M&M you are picking up?
BMP: Yep that one that makes mommy smile
BMP's daughter: Yep, the same one Uncle Joey takes when he comes over?
BMP: What?
Me: Thank you sir. Enjoy your evening.

The Pharmacist's Diet!

2011-05-26T20:15:00.000-04:00

   My wife calls it "food cheating." It's when I try a type of food before she does or we would at the same time. I can't help it. We have 1000 aisles in my store. Approximately 896 are devoted to some type of food and the others for garden gnomes, shoelaces, and hearing aid batteries. Every week we get what seems to be a million new candy bars and potato chip flavors. I have to try them all. This week my new item of choice was Chocolate Cheerios (by the way they are fucking delicious), a healthier version of Cocoa Puffs that still leaves that wonderful cocoa milk mixture at the bottom of the bowl (or mug since that's what I use at work) that you go down on like a Vietnamese hooker. I have mentioned before how we as pharmacists have absolutely no time to ever eat, hence the reason that I food cheat or as I call it, "Eat whatever the fuck I can hold or drink or microwave within a 2 minute and 13 second span that will shoot me up with some sugar or carbs or proteins or fiber or energy or calories or protein (yes I said protein twice) or whatever the fuck I need in order to stay standing for another 10 hours" is because I have no other options...Really I don't.
   The pharmacist's diet is very simple. It basically consists of eating the smallest portion of food that holds the most amount of shit in it. Snickers are lifesavers, as are Lifesavers! This may seem unhealthy to you and guess what?...It fucking is! But what other choice do we have? I don't have the "privilege" to work at a fake pharmacy in a department store that gives me a set amount of time to close my gate and warm up homemade goodness my wife's wonderful hands conjured up for me. I don't work in a doctor's office where I see 2 patients an hour, close for lunch between 12 and 1:15 (cause 1 hour isn't enough while Dr. Grundle gets an extra 15 minutes to finish his anal fuck of his 19 year old nurse), and then get catered food from a blonde, leggy, drug-rep bringing some healthy and nutritious Saladworks. I get to nosh all day long on Combos, Pringles, Oreos, and Arizona Iced Tea cans, cause who wants to pay more than 99 cents for a drink??? I even know some crazy bastards that go an entire shift without eating, I call them women, and I also call them bat-shit-crazy. They also weigh 47 lbs and have a feeding tube attached to their stomach
   I have read many nutrition articles and all mention how the healthiest way to eat is slow and seated...SEATED! What The Fuck is SEATED? The only places I sit are in my car and my toilet. I am so used to standing that the only places I can go out to eat are at bars. This ensures that after my all day-long stand-fest I go to a bar and stand some more while chowing down some very healthy buffalo wings and even healthier beers. I love standing, standing is my favorite.
   I am sure many people will tell me, "But Highlander, why don't you bring a sandwich to work, or make food the night before and eat it at work, or just start snorting coke so you won't need to eat?" I have tried this folks, the problem is it lasts for about 2 to 3 days max and it reverts back to the Chips Ahoy and Slim Jims. Since I don't have a break the worst feeling is warming up some food only to have it laugh at you as it proceeds to get cold right in front of your eyes because as soon as your fork hits the plate, a hospital discharged patient with 18 scripts and no proof of insurance shows up at your window. This by the way is a huge esteem killer. You bring your hopes up just to get them shot down by Mrs. Shitbreath, her toofless grin, and her illegible medical intern-written ER RX's!
   To sum it up, here is a big FUCK YOU to all you fucks that get to eat with a fork and knife and get to place your asses down on a stool. I haven't used a fork and knife since playing house with my whore neighbor when we were 4 years old. It's as if my college eating habits are still with me and unfortunately I have no way of changing them.

Still hungry, still standing,
   The Highlander!

The IPPE Idea Sucks!

2011-05-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

About 9 months ago or so I received a package in the mail, at work, addressed to me, stating the following paraphrased bullshit:

Dear, Dr. The Highlander, PharmD

We here at NotYourAlmaMater University are pleased that you agreed to be a preceptor for our upcoming pharmacy school semester. Your role as an IPPE preceptor will be very helpful in progressing the futures of students in our current pharmacy class. Enclosed is a 800 page instruction manual detailing your responsibilities when it comes to babysitting your provided student. If you are unaware, IPPE stands for Introductory Pharmacy Practice Experiences a.k.a a waste of fucking time. It is basically our way as a school forcing a useless volunteering opportunity for a 1st professional year pharmacy student. They are mandated to complete 160 hours of "work" all on THEIR schedules and NOT yours! You should know, they are in no way prepared for this, probably have zero work experience, and for many it may be the first time they will encounter a black person or a Jew. But don't worry kind pharmacist, your help will not be unnoticed, in fact we are ready and willing to provide an undisclosed compensatory amount for your services. The funds have been sent to your district manager and it is as at their discretion whether or not to share it with you. In writing this letter to you we have actually discovered you never really volunteered to do this but instead your district manager took the courtesy in signing the agreement for you. Anyways, these are just the tiny nuances I am sure you are aware of and okay with. Thank you again for doing this for us. And so you know, the phone number and email listed to contact us are actually invalid. We take no responsibility in the students we send you and do not care if they are racist, smell like shit, can't speak engrish, or can't count by 2's let alone 5's. Your first student is Dikembe Mutumbo, he hails from the Republic of Congo and is a foreign exchange student, you should be able to recognize him due to his 7'3" frame and raspy voice. Good luck and may the force be with you.

Sincerely,

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, RPh

Dean of Pharmacy at NotYourAlmaMater University

P.S. I'm Rich Bitch!

I still don't get the point of this shit! Why the fuck do students need to do rotations 3 years before they need to do rotations? Most of the time all the retail pharmacy does is make the student count pills and treat it as free help. I as a student hated rotations, and if you were like me who worked in a pharmacy all throughout school it was the worst feeling in the world doing the same shit you already do except without getting a paycheck. As a preceptor, my company gets paid but I don't see a dime of it, half these kids don't want to be there so why make them? At age 19-20 and 1st professional year, you don't know the difference between amoxicillin and Tylenol, but you do know what Adderall is for. You hate being in my pharmacy and I hate having you. Since I can't petition pharmacy schools to do away with this crap, I'll send it out to you people. If you are a student, I am sorry your life sucks until graduation, we all had the asshole preceptor and the cool preceptor, but no rotation is fun. How can it be, you are there making negative money. You are paying your school to work for free, what a bitch! If you are a preceptors out there, take it easy on the kids, if they have to do 160 hours, make them do just 60 and sign off on the rest, they will be happy, you won't have to babysit, and the world will continue to turn.

Keep it realz,

The Highlander

The Real Housewives of RX County!

2011-04-21T11:39:00.000-04:00

It is bad enough I have to feel the wrath of one yelling woman at home when my wife decides to ream me out for something stupid. It is bad enough that ABC gave 4 annoying women a talk-show (hardly) to talk about their "View" on menstruation and Hugh Jackman everyday. It is bad enough that Bravo has destroyed American television and has poisoned the brain of every woman in the world with the worst TV shows made in history...The Real Housewives of Who-gives-a-fuck-where!!! I mean seriously! Who needs to watch 6 crazy unemployed women do nothing in their lives besides bitch about who's car is nicer, who's husband was a better athlete, or who's psychiatrist is better? Apparently every woman in the USA!...Anyways, this isn't me complaining about the TV shows my wife watches, this is about the very same situation occurring in the pharmacy.

Imagine an everyday married with children woman hanging out with Elizabeth Hassleback, Joy Behar, the crazy bitches on NJ housewives, the ghetto-fabulous Atlanta/Miami housewives, and the too-rich-for-life Orange County whores. Now take them all, put them in a room together, give a few some counting by 5 skills, a few some people skills, a few some pharmacotherapy knowledge, and ALL a matching menstrual cycle, then throw them into a pharmacy and let them all work together in perfect harmony cause women can do anything together, right??? Well folks, just like Santa and the Easter bunny, a few things in life are part of your imagination, such as good work flow in an all female-staffed pharmacy.

I am sure many of the wonderful ladies who read my stuff might get upset at me regarding some of the things I will say here but remember folks, I AM HERE TO KEEPS IT REALZ! I am not sexist, I am just a realist. Certain things should not exist, and one of them is a pharmacy only staffed with women, and since I love lists so much to give reasons, why not do one here too? Let's rock!

1. One of my all-time favorite quotes comes form Chris Rock, yes the comedian, I know it's hard to tell from my previous blog posts, but I do actually have a slight sense of humor..."Women hate Women!" This is ohhhhhhhhhhhhh so true. It doesn't matter what financial background you come from, rich or poor, what you look like, if you are a model or Sarah Jessica-Parker, if you are a genius or a fucking retard, all you women out there leave your house with some type of insecurity that is rivaled only by another woman. If you don't have it but they do, you hate them. If there are looking slightly cuter than you, you hate them. If they got that new Louis V bag before you even saw Victoria Beckham wearing it, you hate them. If they fill a prescription 12 seconds slower than you would, you fucking hate them. Therefore, since all women hate other women it is very hard for a group of them to all get along due to jealousy issues and the longing urge to compete against each other.

#B. All of those crazy wHOReMONES are way too much to handle. Let's face it folks, women are a tad bit more sensitive to things then men, no I am not basing this on experience, this is pure scientific fact, you gals are all filled with a whole bunch of estrogen, progesterone, and when needed, some oxytocin and prolactin. This is what makes you gals think differently, have your mood swings, cry more, complain more, eat more/eat less. Imagine a female pharmacist who just broke up with her boyfriend working with 2 female techs who have been single for 6 years, there will be a lot of man bashing and ice cream eating going on there. Which in turn will lead to a decreased productivity level in the pharmacy. Scripts will take longer to fill, mental lapses may lead to more mistakes, and if a man comes in to pick up their medication, may God have mercy on their soul.

3) Life has many milestones to look forward to, graduations, weddings, births, and of course Oprah's final show. Imagine a pharmacy where both staff pharmacists are pregnant, a tech is planning her wedding, and in about 3 months there will be no steady employee since they will all be missing some significant amount of time. I have floated to a store like this, so yes this does happen. What do you think will happen to the clientele here? Will they care that they will have a different floater there everyday for at least 6 weeks and that there is no tech since she is off a week for her wedding and 2 more for her honeymoon? Yes of course they will. All their prescriptions will get all sorts of fucked up and don't be surprised to see transfers out to be high in this store all without the need for $25 gift cards.

Numero 4. Since I love pop culture and enjoy quoting stuff, here is another:

"I don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."

- Herbert Garrison, teacher, South Park, CO

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but isn't it true that when a group of women spend uber amounts of time together they get on the same menses schedule? Like if Lucy van Pelt, RPh is on the rag, there is a good possibility that Peppermint Paty, CPhT and Marcie, CPhT

So, how do you solve the possibility of an entire pharmacy staff wanting to kill each other, steal each other's significant other, share tears of joy and sadness together, all while using Stayfree Tampons in the hopes of not getting Toxic Shock Syndrome? Easy! Put a little penis in there. All it takes is one male to neutralize this. One male to absorb all the behind-the-back talking when the other party is not working. One male that will always compliment (without getting sued for sexual harassment) any female employees hair as she walks through the door. One male to listen to all the females' stories about boyfriends from long ago. One male to say, "Yea he was a dick! How dare he dump you after you cheated on him with his brother!" One male to never become pregnant. One male to not have to go pump out milk from his tit every hour because they are engorged. One male to keep the peace in the pharmacy just because he has been trained since birth on how to listen whenever a woman talks and to never give an answer other than the one the female wants to hear. One male. Just one male.

Keepin it Realz since 1536,

The Highlander

I Now Pronounce You, Mr. and Mrs. Junkie!

2011-04-08T12:21:00.000-04:00

Welcome back folks, first off, I hope you all enjoyed my little tournament of drugs during March Madness and I hope someone won lots of money in a pool by picking Oxycontin over Adderall. Let's get back to work now shall we...

   Besides my love of slaying Kurgan and shoplifting with gypsies, I also enjoy people watching and finding trends amongst my almost fictional seeming patient population. Today I plan to focus on the amazing prescription love connections made in this world. If I were to guesstimate, I would assume that approximately 85% of my married/in-a-relationship patients enjoy a wonderful combination of medications matched tit for tat with their wonderful significant others.

Example 1: Mr. Sadface is on sertraline, diazepam, Abilify, and haloperidol. Mrs. Sadface takes fluoxetine, clonazepam, risperidone, and of course another haloperidol. Both have half their heads shaved with holes in each shoe and wear mittens all year round so they don't scratch their faces.

Example 2: Mrs. Licehair is on Suboxone 8mg ODT, her equally disgusting lice-filled husband is on Suboxone 8mg OD Films with a shot of clonazepam BID as well. They are both on da welfares, they both have iPhones, they have 28 children from different babymamas and babydaddies and they yell at each other and curse at other customers while waiting for their prescriptions.

Example 3: Mr. and Mrs. Sneezealot are both allergic to cat dander, pollen, dairy products, and Albanians, both of them are on Zyrtec, Flonase, and Patanol, and wear matching sweatsuits every time they come in. They live in Florida in the winter and stay up north for the summer.

   Now maybe I am wrong, but I see this shit all the time, every couple is the same. Is there some match.com website for people on meds that I don't know about? Should there be? Did I just think of a great new Billion Dollar idea??? It would be like jdate.com or that new Christian Fish dating site they keep showing commercials for on CNN...maybe call it DrugDate.com!!!...By the way (BTW for you losers who talk like that now), if anyone steals my idea and I find out they make money on it and don't give me a cut I will sue the fuck out of you. I know many lawyers, and don't forget I wield a sword.
  MAYBE...there is some convention that comes by every year claiming to put all your love problems in the past where all you need is to be 18 or over and bring in a medication profile showing how dysfunctional you are. Then they split you up into disease states and let you find true love through Psychiatrist taught symposiums like, "Dating with Depression," "Sex with Suboxone," "Anal on Allegra."
   Or my favorite assumption on how this occurs. REHAB DATING! It is a very easy concept, take the dirtiest of dirty sewer dwellers who are already addicted to Meth and methylphenidate as well as Xanax and Endocets and then throw them a wonderful singles mixer. Hold the reception at the local drug house and cater the party with McDonald's chicken nuggets and Purple Drank Jungle Juice, admission will only be $1, but be aware, some might not be able to afford the $1 ~~copay~~ admission since they just wasted the last of their welfare check on some rolling papers. Hire a DJ who works for OC 80s though not pay him since they no longer exist. Read everyone in there their Miranda Rights just as a precaution, film the entire event, broadcast it on pay-per-view and have the entire Female-Bravo Channel-watching world pay $39.99 to watch crazies being crazy. It would be like Real Crackheads of the Ghetto County!
  Darwin was right, it's survival of the fittest, look at the facts of procreation. One psycho bangs another psycho, you get a psycho baby with similarities to Isaac from "Children of the Corn." A junkie fucking a junkie gets you a Dumpster baby (not funny, though it kinda sorta is). And of course Allergic to everything patient 8===D + Allergic to everything patient (|) = an albino, ginger, allergic to water, baby!

Oh and I meant no disrespect to the Albanians, they are good people, they actually installed the granite counter tops in my house (yes I can afford granite, I am a pharmacist, winning! DUH!) thus I have much love for them and their great granite prices!

Keep it real bitches!

- The Highlander

2011 National Drug Champion CROWNED!

2011-04-06T07:06:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to the bad mofo OXYCONTIN for winning the 2011 Apothecarytales.com National Drug Championship March Madness Tournament doing it in convincing fashion with a 78 - 47 victory over Adderall.

A lifetime of pain pill addiction with the hopes of eventually being so tolerant to each dose so that you can peak at that beloved 80mg Oxycontin prevails! I guess the fact that OC is now OP and you can't snort it anymore did not make a difference. It beat out 67 other drugs to take the crown. Not that I ever had any faith in my readers but the fact that 7 out of the 8 drugs that made it the farthest in the tournament are some of the most abused shows the type of people that read my blog. Though there is definitely some novelty and humor to choosing Oxycontin over Adderall and Percocet and Valium and Viagra, in the end it's all pretty much the same shit. Controls rule the pharmacy world and without them and the crazy crackhead patients who abuse them, we as pharmacy employees would have nothing to celebrate. So, congrats again to that big OC/OP in the sky!

Till we meet again,
The Highlander

2011 NATIONAL DRUG CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!

2011-04-03T07:18:00.000-04:00

Alright everybody It is finally here, THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

The Semifinal scores:

OXYCONTIN 53 - Percocet 34
Viagra 37 - ADDERALL 50

Which sets up The King of Pain vs The King of...oh look a Giraffe!

OXYCONTIN vs ADDERALL

(Click to enlarge)

Get those votes in everyone to determine who will win the crown for 2011 Drug of the Year!

This will run until Tuesday night so get to voting people! Tell your friends!

THE FINAL 4 OF DRUGS! START VOTING

2011-03-29T10:31:00.001-04:00

We made it all this way folks, welcome the 2011 National Drug Championship FINAL FOUR!!!

The Fantastic 4, The Crackhead Delight, The Thrilla No Where Near Manila, whatever you want to call it, is finally here!

The National Championship hangs in the balance, who will be crowned as 2011 Drug of the Year?

Here are your finalists:

Representing the ELI LILLY Region after a 68 - 20 ass rape over Valium is....PERCOCET!

Representing the PFIZER Region with a 52 - 36 beat down of Lipitor...OXYCONTIN

In the GSK Region, one behemoth took down another with a final score of 51 - 34, Mr. Blue, VIAGRA prevails over the king of benzos, Xanax

Finally, in what I deem a pretty big upset, #4 seed Mrs. Helpsyouconcentrate, ADDERALL took down, Percocet's half-brother Vicodin in a grueling battle down to wire. Final score 44-40

Which sets up the Final Four Matchups with a chance to get into the finals.

PERCOCET vs OXYCONTIN
VIAGRA vs ADDERALL

Get those votes in people, tell all your friends, neighbors, and children, there's a storm a brewin

(Click to enlarge image)

The ELITE 8 OF DRUGS IS HERE!...CAST YOUR VOTE!

2011-03-27T12:09:00.002-04:00

HERE ARE THE REULTS FROM THE SWEET 16 OF DRUGS!

The ELI LILLY Region:

#1 Percocet 59 vs #4 Plan B 29

#3 HCTZ 30 vs #7 Valium 58

The Pfizer Region:

#1 Lipitor 59 vs #12 Effexor XR 27

#2 Oxycontin 58 vs #3 Suboxone 28

The GSK Region:

#1 Viagra 47 vs #12 Oxy IR 30

#2 Xanax 65 vs #14 Ativan 12

The TEVA Region:

#1 Amoxicillin 27 vs #4 Adderall 51

#2 Vicodin 56 vs #6 Valtrex 21

THE ELITE 8 IS SET AND HERE ARE THE MATCHUPS:

(DONT FOREGT TO TELL EVERYONE YOU POSSIBLY KNOW TO VOTE, TELL YOUR MOM, YOUR DAD, SISTER, UNCLE, RABBI, PROFESSOR, RANDOM HOMELESS GUY WITH AN IPHONE...TELL EVERYONE)

ELI LILLY REGION:

#1 PERCOCET VS #7 VALIUM

THE PFIZER REGION:

#1 LIPITOR VS #2 OXYCONTIN

THE GSK REGION:

#1 VIAGRA VS #2 XANAX

THE TEVA REGION:

#2 VICODIN VS #4 ADDERALL

THE SWEET 16...TOURNAMENT OF DRUGS CONTINUES!

2011-03-24T11:46:00.001-04:00

Here are the Round 2 results, lots of tight games and it's safe to say all you bastards out there are in love with controlled substances.

The ELI LILLY Region:

#1 Percocet 78 vs #9 Tramadol 17
#4 Plan B 48 vs #12 Ambien 46
#3 HCTZ 48 vs #6 Simvastatin 46
#2 Nexium 36 vs #7 Valium 57

The PFIZER Region

#1 Lipitor 68 vs #9 Lantus 29
#4 Aspirin 42 vs #12 Effexor XR 53
#3 Suboxone 73 vs #6 Glipizide 24
#2 Oxycontin 82 vs #7 Metoprolol 16

The GSK Region

#1 Viagra 64 vs #8 Metformin 19
#4 Synthroid 28 vs #12 Oxy IR 55
#11 Metronidazole 31 vs #14 Ativan 51
#2 Xanax 69 vs #7 Cephalexin 14

The TEVA Region

#1 Amoxicillin 56 vs #9 Nitrostat 28
#4 Adderall 63 vs #5 Warfarin 21
#3 Plavix 40 vs #6 Valtrex 41
#2 Vicodin 65 vs #10 Lisinopril 17

KEEP THOSE VOTES COMING IN!

THE SWEET 16 STARTS TODAY...

AND HERE ARE YOUR MATCHUPS

Now I must admit I did have a lot of these controls seeded lower than they probably should've been but I also gave you people, the public, the benefit of the doubt that you weren't all scum bags and promote junkiness worldwide. I was wrong, you are all scum bags. Benzos and Pain Killers reign supreme in this tourney, I guess I am not surprised. I was rooting for the Summer's Eve Douche personally, but she never had a chance...

The ELI LILLY Region:
#1 Percocet vs #4 Plan B
This matchup pits together the #1 overall seed, the mighty mighty Percocet against the destroyer of the condom industry, Plan B...

#3 HCTZ vs #7 Valium
Here we have the most popular diuretic in the world and the 1st line therapy in first time hypertensives...#3 Hydrochlorothiazide or better known by its gang name, HCTZ, they play against one of the highly addictive benzos ever, the "holy V," #7 Valium!

The Pfizer Region:
#1 Lipitor vs #12 Effexor XR
One of the first Cinderella's appears here, as #12 seeded Effexor XR the Antidepressant of choice amongst you voters plays against one of the best selling drugs in the history of drug selling, with absolutely no street cred except the fact that everyone who might be remotely fat is on it, which is about 70% of this country, it is finally losing its patent and hoping to win it all before it gets stripped down to Atorvastatin...#1 seeded Lipitor

#2 Oxycontin vs #3 Suboxone
Now this here is a matchup for the ages...2 Giants in the junkie world and 2 big paydays on the street. One of the biggest baddest painkiller ever, the mighty mighty OC...oops...OP 20, 30, 40, 60, 80 against Orange Fanta in a pill form, who says you have to give up heroin addiction? Here try some Suboxone instead, it's fucking delicious.

The GSK Region:
#1 Viagra vs #12 Oxy IR
Get your dicks ready, cause someones gettin' laid tonight. I bet this scenario is fun, a 60 year old dude with back pain on 30mg Oxy IR who hires a hooker for a night must love this matchup. Does he choose his dear friend the painkiller? or his swedish penis pump enlarger? It's a doozy of a matchup here.

#2 Xanax vs #14 Ativan
Benzo vs Benzo!!! Where will you be when the winner is crowned in this one and earn the right to the Elite 8. Xanax the DOC for pretty much everyone in the world against Ativan, the tinier pill form of Xanax that everyone else loves. I sometimes crush both together and make my own pill knownsimply as TheZepam. Get what I did there? Eh, probably not.

The TEVA Region:
#1 Amoxicillin vs #4 Adderall
The Sultan of antibiotics against the Prince of ADHD, will you grundles go with the drug that helped all you fucks get through school so you can study for 18 hours straight, Adderall or will it be the 1000 year old legend of Amoxicillin?

#2 Vicodin vs #6 Valtrex
Dirty vs dirty here, I am pretty sure though if a patient is coming in for some Valtrex they have a pretty good history of Vicodin use as well. This is the White Trash Bowl, who will come out on top?

DONT FORGET TO TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO JOIN IN THE ACTION OF THE 2011 TOURNAMENT OF DRUGS AS WE MAKE OUR WAY TO THE ELITE 8

- The Highlander

ROUND 2...IT'S ON!!!

2011-03-22T08:23:00.001-04:00

OK folks sorry for the minor slip up

The Final Score: #8 Tylenol 19 vs #9 Tramadol 45 Therefore, Tramadol obviously advances

(CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

Here are the Round 2 Matchups:

The ELI LILLY Region:

#1 Percocet vs #9 Tramadol
#4 Plan B vs #12 Ambien
#3 HCTZ vs #6 Simvastatin
#2 Nexium vs #7 Valium

The PFIZER Region

#1 Lipitor vs #9 Lantus
#4 Aspirin vs #12 Effexor XR
#3 Suboxone vs #6 Glipizide
#2 Oxycontin vs #7 Metoprolol

The GSK Region

#1 Viagra vs #8 Metformin
#4 Synthroid vs #12 Oxy IR
#11 Metronidazole vs #14 Ativan
#2 Xanax vs #7 Cephalexin

The TEVA Region

#1 Amoxicillin vs #9 Nitrostat
#4 Adderall vs #5 Warfarin
#3 Plavix vs #6 Valtrex
#2 Vicodin vs #10 Lisinopril

GET THOSE VOTES IN PEOPLE!!!!

TELL EVERYONE YOU CAN, THE MORE VOTES THE BETTER!

Round 2 Will run until the end of March 23rd

And I promise we will get back to our regularly scheduled ranting after the tournament concludes

-The Highlander

ROUND 2...Almost there

2011-03-21T08:47:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the delay folks!...not really, I do have a little bit of a life as well.

Here are the results from Day 2 of Round 1 and of course I have to give myself a grundle of the year award since I fucked up one of the matchups.

It should have been #8 TYLENOL vs #9 TRAMADOL instead of Tramadol vs Zoloft...my bad, playas fuck up too...damn!

So to fix it, I will just run that one over again

Here are the results from Friday:

The GSK Region:

#1 Viagra 45 vs #16 Advair 14
#2 Xanax 48 vs #15 Abilify 11
#3 Claritin 16 vs #14 Ativan 41
#6 Wellbutrin 23 XL vs #11 Metronidazole 34
#7 Cephalexin 47 vs #10 Terazol Cream 11
#8 Metformin 34 vs #9 Diflucan 24

The PFIZER Region:

#1 Lipitor 39 vs #16 Tucks Hemmhroid Wipes 12
#4 Aspirin 32 vs #13 Depo-Provera Injection 19
#5 Prilosec 29 vs #12 Effexor XR 29 (EFFEXOR XR WINS THE TIEBREAK, Grandpa picked this one, he said Prilosec gives him the runs and he don't like it)
#8 Depakote 14 vs #9 Lantus 44

The ELI LILLY Region:

#1 Percocet 41 vs #16 Epi-Pen 9
#2 Nexium 36 vs #15 Zyvox 14
#3 HCTZ 31 vs # 14 Sudafed 18
#6 Simvastatin 34 vs #11 Risperdal 16
#7 Valium 27 vs #10 Cialis 23
#8 Tramadol vs #9 Zoloft........MY BAAAAAAD! REDO IT TODAY

ROUND 2 Will Start Tomorrow

Keep it realz,

-The Highlander

ROUND 1...DAY 2 IS UNDERWAY!

2011-03-18T11:07:00.003-04:00

TODAY'S GAMES! WE NEED MORE VOTES PEOPLE. I WILL RUN THE POLLS TILL LATER BUT YOU GUYS HAVE TO GET MORE PEOPLE TO CHECK IN HERE AND PICK THE WINNERS!

DON'T FORGET - VOTING OCCURS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE PAGE - 8 GAMES ON THE LEFT, 8 GAMES ON THE RIGHT!

Friday, March 15, 2011

The GSK Region:

#1 Viagra vs #16 Advair
#2 Xanax vs #15 Abilify
#3 Claritin vs #14 Ativan
#6 Wellbutrin XL vs #11 Metronidazole
#7 Cephalexin vs #10 Terazol Cream
#8 Metformin vs #9 Diflucan

The PFIZER Region:

#1 Lipitor vs #16 Tucks Hemmhroid Wipes
#4 Aspirin vs #13 Depo-Provera Injection
#5 Prilosec vs #12 Effexor XR
#8 Depakote vs #9 Lantus

The ELI LILLY Region:

#1 Percocet vs #16 Epi-Pen
#2 Nexium vs #15 Zyvox
#3 HCTZ vs # 14 Sudafed
#6 Simvastatin vs #11 Risperdal
#7 Valium vs #10 Cialis
#8 Tramadol vs #9 Zoloft

THURSDAY RECAP AND THE FINAL SCORES
- 4 UPSETS
- 2 TIES (THE WIFE CHOSE THE TIEBREAKERS SINCE SHE HAS A NICE STEADY GRIP ON MY TESTICLES)

The GSK Region:

#4 Synthroid 43 VS #13 Clindamycin 13
#5 Soma 22 VS #12 Oxy IR 34

The PFIZER Region:

#2 Oxycontin 48 vs #15 Latisse 6
#3 Suboxone 42 vs #14 Zyprexa 13
#6 Glipizide 27 vs #11 Dilaudid 27 (TIEBREAKER CHOSEN BY THE WIFE - GLIPIZIDE WINS)
#7 Metoprolol 35 vs #10 Atenolol 19

The ELI LILLY Region:

#4 Plan B 46 vs #13 Fioricet 9
#5 Zoloft 9 vs #12 Ambien 45

The TEVA Region: ALL TEAMS IN PLAY

#1 Amoxicillin 34 vs #16 Podofilox Solution 8
#2 Vicodin 34 vs #15 Summer's Eve Douche 8
#3 Plavix 21 vs #14 Klonopin 21 (TIEBREAKER CHOSEN BY THE WIFE - PLAVIX WINS)#4 Adderall 34 vs #13 Loestrin Fe 6
#5 Warfarin 30 vs #12 Methadone 11
#6 Valtrex 25 vs #11 Fentanyl Patch 16
#7 Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo 10 vs #10 Lisinopril 31
#8 Paxil 20 vs #9 Nitrostat 21

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!! 1st Round Is UNDERWAY!

2011-03-17T11:33:00.000-04:00

Thursday, March 14, 2011...please vote for your winner. Games are running until 7pm EST TONIGHT!

Make sure to share this with everyone you know!
The GSK Region:

#4 Synthroid VS #13 Clindamycin
#5 Soma VS #12 Oxy IR

The PFIZER Region:

#2 Oxycontin vs #15 Latisse
#3 Suboxone vs #14 Zyprexa
#6 Glipizide vs #11 Dilaudid
#7 Metoprolol vs #10 Atenolol

The ELI LILLY Region:

#4 Plan B vs #13 Fioricet
#5 Zoloft vs #12 Ambien

The TEVA Region: ALL TEAMS IN PLAY

#1 Amoxicillin vs #16 Podofilox Solution
#2 Vicodin vs #15 Summer's Eve Douche
#3 Plavix vs #14 Klonopin
#4 Adderall vs #13 Loestrin Fe
#5 Warfarin vs #12 Methadone
#6 Valtrex vs #11 Fentanyl Patch
#7 Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo vs #10 Lisinopril
#8 Paxil vs #9 Nitrostat