“You may never get another chance to [fill in this blank with your thought].”

Accidental and poignant wisdom by Jessica Marciel

I have a confession. From the day I went drove West to Arizona for college, the frequency and quality of my communications with my parents declined. Letters and phone calls both occurred less often.

• Distance  and time zones are just an excuse for failure to communicate.
• Being ‘busy’ is a lousy excuse. In reality, some of us simply fail to make checking in our parents a priority.
• Facebook and texting are the order of the day, and they have their place. But nothing replaces the warmth of a hand-written note, the sound of your voice on a phone call, or your smile across a kitchen table.

I’d like a few do-overs… OK, I’d a like lots of do-overs… But, this isn’t just for me and my father and mother… or for parents and their kids. It’s for brothers and sisters, high school friends, college buddies, peers that moved away (sometimes that’s us).

This blog is my outward expression of appreciation… periodically, to individuals… and happily, sometimes, in time.

I’m doing my utmost to reach out, directly and privately, to many people for a variety of reasons. To thank, to congratulate, to comfort… all kinds of reasons. I’m reluctant to say, “It’s too little, too late.”, although I would admit to having such thoughts, from time to time … but, today, I accept Jessica’s wisdom as reality.

“You may never get another chance…” Don’t miss yours…

This look into my soul was inspired by sharing grief with the many people who now miss Greg Marciel.

Andy Ebon
First-Generation New Yorker

The post Father’s Day … Back in time appeared first on Appreciation Chronicles.

As we worked through the last three days of the week, including Saturday’s Memorial Service, I realized that there was a single word that crept into my vocabulary and my psyche…. Empathy

“Empathy is the experience of understanding another person’s condition from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Empathy is known to increase prosocial (helping) behaviors.”

Psychology Today

Empathy shows itself in what you say, what you don’t say, and the difficult practice of attempting to understand other people’s, even when they shut down. As I interpret and watch, the hardest action is to reach beyond one’s own pain, and empathize with another person’s loss, through their eyes, emotions, and heart.

Closure Takes Forever

Closure is another big word. When talking about loss of life, some people look back to specific moments, such as a memorial service, burial, disposition of possessions and assets, closing of the estate. For others, it’s just the passage of time… and the length of time is unpredictable.

I lost my mom in 1996. To this day, I have a box of condolence letters received by my dad, from around the world, over a one-year period. I’ve been unable to open that box.

When my dad was in decline, in late 2005, I cleared his coop apartment in New York, and found a box of letters, exchanged by my mom and dad, in the late 1940′s and 1950′s. I’ve been unable to open that box.

After my dad passed away, in early 2006, I received closed to 100 letters, which are… you guessed it, stored in a box. And yes, I have been unable to that box, too.

Measured Comments

I am better at making the right comment, at the right time. I don’t always get it exactly right, but my empathy skills are improving, and I do not fall victim to the pull of ‘false urgency’, nearly as often as in the past. We feel rushed, to take action, to reach closure, to make decisions. If I could hit the reset button and be more methodical and measured in moving forward, I would be more thoughtful. That is not possible, so I accept it, and move ahead.

By not being in an unnecessary  hurry, I seem to process feelings and possible unintended consequences more thoroughly. This approach has crept into my ‘day to day’ life, and that’s a great development.

Marlo Thomas assembled a great anthology, titled “The Right Words At The Right Time.” It’s a superb collection of life lessons and poignant experiences… Life Changing Moments.

I pulled out the book, recently, and reread a contribution from Jeff Bezos (Amazon.com). As a kid, he made a factual statement to a family member. He came off, not as smart , but highly smart ass. In later conversation, another family member, said to him, softly, “Sometimes it’s better to be kind than to be clever.”

If you source this quote,  you will find that many people quoted as saying something similar. It’s a great sentiment worth repeating, many times, in various iterations.

To me, Bezos’ story is one of empathy… and a damn good one. I’m pulling out the book, again, to read it from cover-to-cover.

COMMENTS: I don’t usually ask for comments for this blogs, though some posts generate both readership and comment. In this case, I’m looking for your perspectives… Not agreement or disagreement, but your personal point of view, from direct and indirect experience.

Thank you in advance,

Andy Ebon
First-Generation New Yorker

The post Empathy: an important word appeared first on Appreciation Chronicles.

Greg Marciel

Saturday, I am attending the Memorial Service and Life Celebration of my girlfriend’s ex-husband, Greg Marciel. He is also the father of Jessica’s daughter, Lexi. Greg was a husband, father, and musician… trumpet and flügelhorn, composition and arrangements.

As I stumble through the week, I’m doing my best to lend a steadying hand, where possible, while simultaneously, attempting to manage my own emotions.

The 4 P’s for the week

PAIN: All of us… immediate relatives, relatives by marriage, in-laws, outlaws, and friends are stunned and shocked at Greg‘s sudden passing. Each of experiences pain, differently. Some people can forge ahead; others are paralyzed… Some, internalize the stress; others, cry out. Some of us ride an emotional roller coaster, demonstrating a wide range of expression, through short time-frames.

It is nearly impossible to predict how individuals will react. The only certainty is people will experience pain… for an indeterminate amount of time.

PERSPECTIVE: Since last Friday, I feel as though I’m having an out-of-body experience. I’m observing a rapidly unfolding series of events and interaction; sometimes, seemingly in slow motion. Other times in speed-up-time.

For many months I have been working on a personal development project that finally seems to be working.

“Looking at any given circumstance, situation, or question through the eyes of other people.”

It is only as I see the perspective of others that I understand their point of view. I may not agree with their opinion, but reasonable people can look at the same scenario and reach different conclusions. I firmly believe that is true,  for me and other people.

In the wake of a tragic loss of life, people often scatter in different directions, creating their own path. It is those kind of random reactions that create personality clashes, anger, and hysteria. I’ve have seen some of that.

And on the flip side, many independent actions by various people, line up, squarely, as though planned that way, all along. I’ve seen even more of that.

PATIENCE: Death… (there, said it) is a messy and emotional business. Even ‘end-of-life’ planning for a sick or aging relative or friend is still incredibly painful, emotional and exhausting when a life is finally extinguished.

What is needed most, is patience with ourselves, others, and the process of closure. Our own inability to act is frustrating, but this is rare territory. It’s helpful to cut ourselves some slack.

People often say well-meaning things that don’t come out as intend… so wrong, you want to slap them. One needs to show the patience and forgiveness, accepting every sentiment, appreciatively, and quietly, letting any faux pas drift away.

The process of closure is a most challenging thing. It shouldn’t be rushed. It should involve teamwork and a team leader. The wishes of the deceased should be honored and respected, whether their instructions are written or spoken.

POWER TRUMPET: These days, memorials are often a Celebration of Life. As such, the apex of Greg‘s service will end of a 3-song suite, known as The Trilogy… The third song, titled: Funk This! These songs were composed and arranged by Greg for a group he led, called Group Therapy (There were two iterations of the band). The music a jazzers dream, as a musician or an audience member.

It will be an uplifting finish to the morning… With the help of Greg’s music, we can suspend the pain, even for just a little while, perhaps beginning to regain our balance. After all, the band IS called Group Therapy!

With deepest appreciation for taking the time to read this post and consider my thoughts.

Greg Marciel Memorial on Facebook

Andy Ebon
First-Generation New Yorker

The post Pain, Perspective, Patience… and Power Trumpet appeared first on Appreciation Chronicles.