Arbitrary Spurtations

At Peace

2010-03-05T16:03:00.000+05:30

I can't believe it's been 3 months already. All the details of that day still remain etched in my mind. From the early morning sms to rushing to the hospital. From hearing the last few words escaping from my moms lips and then watching her slip into a coma. Her breathing hoarse and gargling while the water in her lungs accumulates. The unresponsiveness to touch or fervent whispers of love and permission to let go.

Sitting outside the hospital room waiting for what was to come, I realize that it takes a tragedy to bring a family closer together. The comforting words of my girlfriend who's sitting right next to me, trying somehow to find the right words to console and yet just be. Family members and friends crowd the room and hallway unsure of what to say or do.

3.15 comes along and my mother now breathes involuntarily while her mind slips further into a hopefully peaceful coma. The pain is gone, and the natural process takes over, her body shuts down.

8.15 and my mother leaves us with our tears and cries. She can't hear them any more but sees us from above, free at last after months of pain and suffering, free and at peace. We'll never forget that final smile, an effort just for us, to let us know that it's ok now.

The automatic mode i'd been running on for the last few months kicks into overdrive. I start to co-ordinate with my family on what happens next. Getting the death certificate to organizing funeral arrangements. I know I should allow myself to grieve but there will be time for that.

After what needs to be done is over, we head home, silent. We know there won't be much sleep tonight. It's a painful sight for any man to see his father breakdown in pain and sadness. There is no medicine but time.

The next few days are spent at the funeral parlor, mourners and well wishers try their best to console. The slow procession to the crematorium takes it's toll. Tears flow freely and uncontrollably. I try to stay steady on my feet, for what is to come. Nothing could have prepared me though for the moment we are ushered behind to put our quivering finger on the ignition button...

Then... it's over.

Days turn to weeks, weeks into months. And here i am 3 months later. Tomorrow will be my mother's birthday. There will be no cake or laughter, only candles and prayers.

I miss her terribly everyday. The most mundane of little things remind me of my loss.

It hurts but i believe in time healing my still beating heart.

I love you mama. Be free, be happy...

Of Vigils And Wondering

2009-10-29T22:54:00.005+05:30

As each passing week, nigh, each dawning day, ticks on by I remain alert to that dreaded sms or phone call stating that the time has come for a permanent goodbye.

I dare not think too much yet react only swiftly to the heeded call, to hold vigil once more in hope of peaceful release, in terrific agonizing torture of what is yet to come.

As life fades from an earthly body, as heaven jars open its pearly white gates, I hear the faint ominous vibration of the stifled scream forced far below the farce of strength and fortitude that builds the non permeating wall.

Glorious eyes watch over while kindred hearts echo in unison for redemption and peace, in hope of a miracle.

I wait.

What IS love ?

2009-09-08T11:00:00.008+05:30

After being tagged by both DQ and Scrumpulicious on this topic, I put forth my blurry eyed views on this vast and yet mostly uncertain subject, Love.

To me love is:-

That knowing feeling that someones watching over you, when you feel lost and helpless in this world.
Wanting to still be with someone even after they've let you down and hurt you. (Related to the Love Is Blind Phenomenon)
Giving up on personal commitments and time to be with there for the person you adore, no matter the time of day.
Digging deep into your soul and heart, to find strength to endure obstacles that would surely push you over the edge if you'd let them.
That first time feeling of being with someone on a date, even though it's been over 4 years.
The comfort you feel when someone calls just to see how you are doing today.
Being honest even though it may hurt someone you care about.
Having offers of help rejected and still wanting to be there even though your silently hurting inside.
Still thinking she's pretty even though she feels she's made a huge mistake with her new hair style.
Taking someone as they are, faults and all.
A helping hand to a stranger or animal in need.
What's lacking in this world governed by greed, power and corruption.
A husband/fathers unconditional devotion and care towards a dying wife/mother.

I'm pretty sure I'll remain a hopeless romantic for most of my life, but nevertheless let me share this with you :

'Love Hurts - You can not ever have Love that doesn't hurt, because to truly love means truly opening your heart to risk of pain, rejection, disappointment and sadness. But to endure all this means your ready for True Love someday.'

Thats it for me.

I tag hmmmm ah yes : Gutterflower , Cerebral Ramblings and Tinkerbell

Stay Tuned...

2009-08-18T17:37:00.002+05:30

A post will follow. Patience.

Pancreatic Cancer

2009-06-09T10:26:00.004+05:30

"Pancreatic cancer is a malignant neoplasm of the pancreas. Depending on the extent of the cancer at the time of diagnosis, the prognosis is generally regarded as poor; less than 5 percent of those diagnosed are still alive five years after diagnosis."

A silent killer. The same cancer killing my mother.

She was diagnosed last week in India. After almost 6 months of suffering with Pancreatitis, we now know what's going to happen. Indian doctors, reputed to be among the best in the world, say they can't operate and recommended Germany instead. A journey and surgery that could cost over 6 million rupees. A surgery that juggles only a 30% chance of success, followed by months of pain management, life altering diabetes and a life expectancy of possibly just 5 extra years.

A surgery we have decided to undergo as a family.

Life as we know it now, has changed. A finite time that could be either spent in despair and depression coupled with anger and sadness OR in precious moments of bonding, happiness and love.

If any other choice is made for us, God forbid, over in Germany, then thats a possibility we must be open to and not deny it's existence.

Either way, inner strength, will power and an unimaginable belief that all this is happening for a reason must fill our hearts and minds now. It's not going to be an easy journey and this story doesn't have a happy ending but only a chance for closeness and eventually we pray, closure.

I will try to be the person I need to be...

It Wasn't Meant To Be

2009-05-05T11:59:00.003+05:30

Utterly disappointed.

For the past 2 weeks I'd been researching into getting myself a laptop, after my PC at home blew up, and hence applied for a loan to cover the cost of the purchase.

They say anticipation is sweet, well then my diabetes just turned sour with disappointment. I just found out that my pending loan was declined.

Apparently they cross checked with my company to find out if I was actually permanent, which isn't the case really.

And that's that. No loan. No laptop purchase. Nothing.

Annoyed, frustrated and down.

Guess I wasn't supposed to have this right now. Sucks.

Story of my life...

'Nincompoop Bonehead' - Name Calling Absurdities

2009-04-08T14:37:00.005+05:30

Recent blog activity spurred on by a certain pathetic individual blogger's need to be popular by retaliating, in a hateful and purely threatening way, to other bloggers comments has got the blogosphere stirring.

First off I feel sorry for this 'Nincompoop Bonehead' and I laugh at his attempts, he will be forgotten soon enough.

I don't think the rest of the 'sphere should even give this bloke a second thought, it's just a waste of our time and opinion. Let him wallow in his self pity and so called 'decentness'. Jeez.

And if he's really into the Quran, as stated in his blog, then I think he needs to take another look into divine guidance and treating his fellow man.

Silly fellow...

At The End of My Last Twenty

2009-03-20T15:20:00.011+05:30

Another year passes, calculated by the time of my birth, and I continue my walk through the last moments of my 20's.

I wasn't really up for celebrating this event, given the delicate situation unfolding in India with my mom. I decided to call in 'sick' and just spend the day alone at home. I slept in, played a few games, watched a few movies and basicially chilled out in a typical me laid back style.

My girlfriend decided to treat me, and try to cheer me up in the process, and thus had planned a dinner date, but first treated me to some really nice, thoughtful and cool gifts, all of which were accompanied by disclaimers since I'm not the sort to want/accept gifts easily. Kudos go out to her for her thoughtfulness and attempt to make me feel special on the day, she's pretty darn cool that way.

After the gifts were handed over we set out for dinner at a really nice restaurant in one of Colombo's hotels. The food selection was amazing and the taste even better. The surprise arrival of a birthday cake, accompanied by most of the restaurant staff singing the birthday melody, was really nice, even though I had ruined it by earlier guessing out loud that she might have planned such a gesture. My bad babe. :)

With my belly full and a packed up birthday cake I headed home to play with my new toys and turn in for the night.

So do I feel any older? Has my thought process changed by the aggregation of another notch in my life time belt? I don't know. I guess I'll always be a kid even if my face starts to wrinkle and my hair falls out (completely). The way I see it is, as long as I never forget to laugh at the world and at myself, I'll never truly feel old.

I don't know what tomorrow will surprise me with, but I'm grateful to be here, alive and healthy, surrounding by loved ones and friends and a guardian above watching over my every move, guiding my feet on the path of life.

What more can a man want?

Faith

2009-03-11T09:26:00.010+05:30

Faith - is the confident belief in the truth of or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing without proof.

My faith has certainly been tested over the last month. While my mother now lies in a hospital bed in India awaiting more tests and possibly surgery, I can't help but think back through the last month filled with sleepless nights awakened by unimaginable pain, frustrated suffering with no light at the end of the tunnel. What my mom has gone through has definitely shaken my resolve, and to some degree, my faith.

As the bills racked up, and our frustration and anger grew, we realised SL wasn't going to give us any solution or at least some clue as to what was causing all this recurring pain. So the decision to fly my mom out to India, to a specialist, was made and last monday she was wheeled off to the airport by an Apollo ambulance. As we watched her lying on the ambulance bed and my dad sitting next to her, our frustration turned to hope, hope that she would at least now get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

A day later we get the news that she has multiple stones in her gall bladder, which was causing the recurring pain and the Pancreatitis. The news brings mixed emotions, those of resolution of a definite fixable issue and those of concern of my mom undergoing surgery. I know it's not a hugely complicated surgery and it gets done within 2 hours, but I also know my mom. She'll be frightened and nervous, and I'm so glad that my dads' right there with her holding her hand. All credit must go to him, for getting her through this ordeal. He's seen her at her worst, suffering and crying through the endless night and forgone meals and sleep while trying to balance his work and doctors and nurses alike. I hope that someday I can be as strong as he is. Although I know he must be really torn up inside to see her like this, but he won't say much about it, which in a way I am much like him.

This next week or so will be a trying week. If surgery is the option, it might happen over this weekend which means more days to recover. We're all praying that they come back home soon, healthy and as back to normal as can be. They are in Gods hands. We believe, we hope, we pray.

That is our faith.

Road Trip - An Escape To Freedom

2009-02-11T09:50:00.015+05:30

Been a while.

Let me recap on what's been going on then shall I?

I recently had a spontaneous urge to get out of colombo, this urge springing forth from the past weeks of tirelessly burning the mid morning oils. As chance would have it, a couple of my friends and I decided to just get out of colombo for the weekend. So with our destination known, our journey unmarked we set out on a Friday at 5am. Doing the usual round of picking up each person, 4 in total, we set out for Sigiriya. I, equipped with my handy cam, proceeded to document our journey with plenty of chiming in by the others. Our first stop was Ambeypussa for a much needed breakfast. With strings and fish curry safely tucked into our bellies and a piss stop to the loo we took off once more.

As music blasted from the iPod and cool morning breeze flowed in to the car, we could feel our stress melt away, all the tiring days and nights, the worries and pressure, all faded as our smiles and laughter grew. There's something freeing bout being on the road with friends with no set plan or guidelines to stick to, just you and the road and freedom. It's almost magical.

Making a chance to stretch our legs we stopped off for some 'Beli Mal' tea. Now I've never had this tea before so i ventured to try it and it's safe to say that i won't be having it again. :) At least the Hakuru and the surroundings were nice.

Clambering in to the car we headed off to one of my friends relatives place, which gave access to a paddy field. Since the 4 of us are avid amateur photographers we took the opportunity to snap up some due drops and morning sun rays emanating from the clear blue sky. Next we stopped over at a friends family home and trekked down to the river nearby. More photo ops and witnessing a solitary cow taking a leak we headed back topside to continue on our way.

The road was clear and smooth, and the speedometer stayed at 100 most of the way. Green paddy fields stretched out on both sides of us, while hills in the distance grew clearer as the morning sun warmed the air we were breathing. Ah, freedom.

Hours flew by and we were now in Dambulla. After a much debated wrong turn, we managed to find our hotel, which I must say was just perfect. Sigiriya Village, which is almost walking distance to the Sigiriya Rock, is a quiet and comfortable place to escape to. From the pool side, you have a view of the Rock and the hotel surroundings are peaceful and tranquil. The rooms were surprisingly spacious and by now we were congratulating each other on booking such a place. The fact that it was almost empty was a bonus. A quick swim and a heavy sri lankan rice and curry (10 in fact) we retreated to our rooms for a quick nap, since we were planning on climbing the Rock later that evening.

With the predicted wake up call from my buddy, we groggily did a quick change and headed to the Rock, stopping for some photo ops beside a lake. I had climbed the Sigiriya Rock once before, about 9 years ago, but some of my friends hadn't so we took the scenic route. Many photographs later and a few cramp stops for my buddies we were at the halfway point near the paws, or as some say claws. Leaving one of my friends behind, since he was afraid of heights and we weren't about to be carrying him, we climbed the rest of the way. At the top the view was breathtaking, and a quick group shot entailed an interesting episode with a monkey trying to steal our camera!! Thankfully we managed to recover the equipment admist hisses at me from the gang leader. We also had the chance to witness a silohuette monkey humping session which sadly lasted only a few seconds! Hehe. I caught it on film though so that's a memory saved for reminiscing.

The sun was setting in the distance so we headed back down, picking up our buddy who was lazily resting below. Couple of group shots for memories sake and we were back down on the ground heading back to the hotel for a wash and a much needed drink. There was a tennis match semi finals on, so we turned that into a drinking game, which kind of backfired since I was planning on drinking all night but my friends got a bit too wasted too freaking soon! Sigh. We wobbled in for dinner which was good, and then headed back to the rooms to sleep off the intoxication's.

After the expected morning wake up round, we grabbed breakfast, packed our belongings and bid adieu to our hotel. Our next stop was Pidurangala which was part of the kingdom in ancient times. The winding road to get there gave us more photo ops and the actual Pidurangala ruins and Chaityas were just plain cool to witness. We spent at least an hour there photographing and relaxing in the shade of the trees. There was no one around, just us and that just made it all the more of an adventure. Pretty soon we started getting a bit peckish so we decided to leave and head for Dambulla town for lunch. But first we made our way to the Dambulla Rock, to climb to the top and view the amazing Buddhist statues and paintings situated inside the caves. That was pretty cool but unfortunately my camera battery died on me. Making our way back down we headed over to Gimanhala for lunch and a piss break. Chilled out a bit and now realised that our little escape was coming to an end. None of us wanted it to, but reality sucks. So with heavy hearts but plenty of memories we set off back home.

The drive back was sleepy, and we kept ourselves awake with a twisted version of 'I Spy'. Stopping for curd and honey and tea along the way, we eventually were back in Colombo. It was around 7pm by the time everyone was dropped off home, with promises to do this again very soon.

And that was my little road trip. It was an adventure and an escape and I totally recommend it to anyone wanting to unwind and leave all this stress and rat race behind, even for a few days. It renews your spirit and rejuvenates your body and mind.

I'm already planning my next road trip. Care to join?

For No Reason At All

2009-01-24T02:41:00.007+05:30

Ok so I lied. It's 3am and I'm at office. I'm tired, bored, and about to poop in my pants. I saw the list and decided I'd put my own headnotes down.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Wrong question. You should be asking what time I slept this morning.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds if they are attached to a hot blonde, Pearls if the oysters are served fresh.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Madagaskar 2. Fucking hilarious!!

4. What is your favourite TV show? Scrubs, Whose line is it, House.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? A solitary fish bun. Sad I know.

6. What is your middle name? Skipped. For security reasons.

7. What food do you dislike? Anything that ends with 'akka. Unless it's your sister.

8. What is your favourite album at the moment? Would have to say my FaceBook albums.

9. What kind of car do you drive? When it's not in the garage, which is often, a Ford Escort MK II.

10. Favorite sandwich? I'd definitely have to say blonde/me/brunette. The more the merrier.

11. What characteristics do you despise? Of myself or of others??

12. Favorite item of clothing? My jeans and my Calvin Klein's underwear collection.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Venis, Greece.

14. Favourite brand of clothing? Read above, silly.

15. Where would you retire to? Too often to the sadistic recesses of my mind, but preferably to an urn buried under a tree in the hills.

16. What was your most memorable birthday? Weirdly enough I don't recall many birthdays. I need hypnosis i think.

17. Favourite sport to watch? Cricket, and bikini clad female snowboarders.... ooh!

18. When is your birthday? Depends on when you get paid!

19. Are you a morning person or a night person? These days the clock seems a blur, but I'd say night, yes.. definitely night.

20. What is your shoe size? Is this a penis related question? In that case let's just say I use a large shoe locker.

21. Pets? Yes please. Oh sorry, I mean not right now but soon. It's difficult whilst being a dashing bachelor. :)

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I think of some really weird shit sometimes that'd gross anyone out. Just ask my girlfriend.

23. What did you want to be when you were little? I was never little okay!! Ahem. Hmm... Fatter.

24. How are you today? Tired, suffering from lack of sleep, extremely horny because of it and frustrated that no one worthwhile is around to assist.

25. What is your favourite candy? A stripper. No no, I don't do strippers, unless Candy your reading this then definitely I'll do you!

26. What kind of flowers do you like? Hello, i'm a guy.

27. What day on the calendar are you looking forward to? Tomorrow.

28. What is your full name? Didn't we skip this sorta question sometime ago? Why you so curious eh?!

29. What are you listening to right now? Besides the voices in my head? Um, colleagues chattering bout failing code and why we're stuck here so late/early...

30. What was the last thing you ate? Wait let me recall my last bog... Think it was omlette with chicken rice and chopsuey.. yes!

31. Do you wish on stars? Hollywood ones or the glowy types?

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Is blurgh a color?

33. What is the weather like right now? Dude, it's 3am. I can't see shit!!!

34. First person you spoke to on the phone today? My dad, telling my that my car had to be taken back to the garage... sigh.

35. Favourite soft drink? I don't DHOO soft. Unless it's the soft skin like that of a an inner thigh of hot female.

36. Favourite restaurant? Wow, toughy. I eat all over the place. But nothing beats a proper rice and curry or strings with spicy beef mmmmm.

37. Real hair color? Used to be dark brown, but now the remainging strands have turned dark with a few grays.. Haiyo!

38. Favorite toy as a child? Lego. I used to make alternate worlds to accomodate my alternate personalities.

39. Summer or winter? Are these friends of Candy? If so then i'll invite them over for a sandwich... :P

40. Hugs or kisses? More kisses cos they tend to put girls to sleep. Hugs will follow.

41. Chocolate or vanilla? Depends on the container.

42. Coffee or tea? I'd say they each have their moments.

43. When was the last time you cried? Hmm. Don't honestly recall. Does that make me a repressed person??

44. What is under your bed? Thats what I'D like to know. Keep getting the feeling something or someone shares the night sleeping under there... Freaky!

45. What did you do last night? Didn't sleep.

46. What are you afraid of? Slowly but surely, less and less things.

47. Salty or sweet? Depends on what I've eaten. :D

48. How many keys on your key ring? 3

49. Favourite day of the week? Ooh wednesdays for White Horse, and sundays for sleep.

50. How many towns you lived in? 3

51. Do you make friends easily? Yeah sure. But strangely we rarely meet.

Thus Far In 2009...

2009-01-19T13:27:00.010+05:30

19 days have already passed in 2009, and with each day I pray that people would open their eyes and realise that there are way more important and crucial issues out there than their petty indifference's and egotistical shortcomings.

Pretty soon we'd have consumed almost all the earths resources, which is a scary thought considering we'll have no where else to look, no other country to invade and be left with a rapidly depleting self control to stop taking what's not ours to begin with.

Everyday we wake up and walk in the sunshine, but there are people around the world who never will. We think our lives are worth being stressed over, that if we don't keep up with this man made rat race we'll be left behind and unhappy. Nothing can be further from the truth. We each have in us all we need to be happy and fulfilled. We just have to unlock that greatness. Only you alone can see the world differently, you can choose to let go of the stress, the void we desperately hold onto for fear of losing ourselves completely. We just need to stop, take a breath, look around at all the we're blessed with, and change the way we see our world. Just one look and we'll never be the same again. We can never be happy, TRULY happy, until we let go of this relentless need to be better than our fellow man, this need to be more in control of our lives, this need to know whats going to happen, when honestly we have no clue as to the plan already set for us.

We plan towards building a successful career, amass wealth and be popular, when all those plans are minute in comparison to whats really in store for us.

I leave you with a few inspiration quotes I came across. May we all realise how to let go of worldly wants and be blessed with the gifts of each day, especially the gift of life...

"The true object of all human life is play. Earth is a task garden; heaven is a playground."
- G. K. Chesterton

"We have no choice of what color we're born or who our parents are or whether we're rich or poor. What we do have is some choice over what we make of our lives once we're here."
- Mildred Taylor

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."
- Mahatma Gandhi

"Work as though you would live forever, and live as though you would die today."
- Og Mandino

"You are the only real obstacle in your path to a fulfilling life."
- Les Brown

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo

Them Good Old Resolutions

2009-01-01T10:43:00.001+05:30

So, here it is. 2009. The last time we'll see the double 0 together in the date. 2008 with all its ups and downs has gone. And we are left with the beginning of a new year of trials and successes, heartbreaks and infatuations. And with every year, we make a traditional vow of new rules to govern and improve our lives. The resolutions that, for now, seem will make us better at being human.

So with this in mind I ask you to share your "reso's" for this new year. Even if they're just going to last the first month.

Here are mine...

First the usual (failed) ones:-

Get into some sort of shape considering i'm hitting 29 this year.
Get closer to the ones I love and stop taking them for granted.
Try to continue to do my part in making this world a less polluted and f*#&$d up place.
Save money. HAHA!
Travel to exotic places. Actually even the beach will do.
Find myself.

Now for the new ones (in no order as such):-

Learn a new language.
Start a business venture.
Get some sort of vehicle that wont monetarily drain my pockets.
Save money. (gonna try so)
Simplify my life more.
Appreciate the smaller, easily-taken-for-granted stuff in my life.
Love harder. More.
Help others, both human and animal, in anyway I can.
Settle down. Even if it's just with a pet.
Renew my faith.
Enjoy my life and keep reminding myself that we live only once, and it's not worth getting so stressed over.
Bungie jump. (Not related to above point. Well maybe slightly...)
Try not to expect a whole lot at once, cos life gives you just what you need in small doses.
Do more with my life so that when it's time to say bye bye, the world will remember me with a smile.

Those are most of my resolutions, and again I don't know how many of them I can stick to or end up doing, but it should act as a guide at least for sometime.

I wish you all a peaceful and amazing year ahead. May it bring you everything you need, and just those few precious things you may want.

You are tagged: Hissyfits | Guttterflower | LD | Tinkerbell

So, Is This Christmas?

2008-12-11T13:53:00.011+05:30

I've been tagged! Woohoo!!! But instead of listing down my points of reflection over the past year, I'd like to take a moment to ponder on this place we call home.

Global recession has overwhelmed and overflowed and is now quite literally in our own backyards, having an immediate affect on us.

The 25+ years of raging Sri Lankan war seems, dare I say, almost possibly statistically and hopefully coming to a possible end. (yes there's just too many unknowns to decide on a definite). It has caused unimaginable loss of life, both in human and animal counts. Loss that will, in all probability, be felt right throughout the next few generations to come.

Global warming continues to get worse, and we see its dramatic and uncontrollable effects every time we switch on our televisions and tune into the news channel. With snowstorms, hurricanes, brush fires and earthquakes, Mother Earth beckons us to listen to her before its just too late, and I'm afraid it might just be.

Violence and crime, suicide and murder have a home now in almost every country, city and destination on this planet, with disease and sickness spreading much like the many fires running ablaze in cities across the globe. Humans fighting humans, animals and nature suffering because of it. We have forgotten that we share and have only one home, and a chance of a united human race is too far fetched and out of reach no matter how hard a starving, anorexic child may pray for it.

And with all that, and so much more unspoken, terrible loss of life and species and the devastation that is so plainly visible each day, I write out the things that i have done and experienced for 2008.

I've lived through my 2nd year of being on my own.
I've given up on ever having children, for many of the above stated reasons.
I continue to get used to the idea that I'll never get married.
I've unconsciously allowed more distance between my loved ones. Something I plan on rectifying in the season and new year.
I've carried a hundred eggs and twenty pineapples in one day.
I've gone on a wild safari for the first time in my life.
I've won accolades for theater and drama contributions.
I've changed jobs and regretted it for many reasons, but continue to hope for the best.
I continue to wonder why we wake up each day to this rat race.

I guess there are more, but my mind draws a blank with lack of sleep. So I wish you all a merry Christmas, and hopefully the year ahead IS different for us all, in a really good way.

PS. I tag cynically yours, random rantings, mad as a hatter and whoever is reading.

Uda Walawe National Park

2008-12-08T13:35:00.019+05:30

The time is 4.45am on Saturday the 6th. I've just been woken up from the predictable call from a friend cos he's on his way to come get me. I crawl out of bed, even though i haven't been able to sleep because of the overwhelming excitement that had been brewing for the last 2 weeks. Wobble now in darkness to the bathroom, brush my teeth and recheck my previous nights packing. Last minute checklist and I'm out the door to await my ride.

Bringing along my dads handy cam was a good idea, providing me a facility to create a mini documentary of the entire trip. One hour later we are at the pickup point and await the rest of the troop, whilst we banter on what each other has been up to and trying to shake off the lack of sleep with our contagious laughter. Moments later we are aboard the bus and are heading out of Colombo, for our 4 hour drive, en route to Uda Walawe.

Sleep deprivation is replaced by excitement of whats to come in the next 2 days. With food and drinks passed around, and plenty of unhindered laughter, the journey would never feel as long. Stopping over at a well known temple, for some of the guys to pay homage, we took the chance to stretch our cramped legs. The walk up to the top of the rock temple, prized us with a fabulous view of the surrounding mountains and morning sunshine. With wild monkeys prancing around overhead, we headed back down to set off once again.

Hunger sets in and we anxiously await a resting spot around each bend, when we finally end up stopping beside a kadei aptly named 'Udhaya Buffet'. We do a quick order and sit down to delve into a rice and curry that tasted so good, it left us feeling full and content and put smiles on our faces. Once again we board and to our surprise, our destination is barely a 100 yards away. Piling out with glee, we check in to our allocated AC rooms, which quite frankly aren't half bad. A glorious lake side view enchants the room, while comfortable beds beckon a long sleep. A quick inspection of that facilities reveals that the bathroom door could not be locked, which hastened us to create a simple mechanism to identify if the toilet was occupied, a polythene bag hung from the door knob.

After a quick wash and rest we were back on our feet to explore the surroundings. Some chose the quiet swimming pool and some chose to doze off a little longer. My handy cam came in uh 'handy', as i captured a noisy game of water polo and a much quieter game of billiards. Retiring to one of the rooms, we began our now traditional game of mafia. A few rounds of narrating the gameplay, i ended up being 'killed' off when it came my turn to play. Another quick refreshing wash, and a few shots of Smirnoff blue, the evening started...

Carom, cards and flying darts took precedence in the activity list, and the almost serious game of darts between my blue partner and me, gave the rest another chance to laugh. Even in that state of mind, i must mention that i won the game, even though many darts fell helplessly to the floor, mid air. Shifting to carom, we almost managed to beat the winners of a previous game, but we sadly lost in much style as possible.

Then the party really started...

First the music (which i had so thoughtfully brought along) hooked up to the tv, gave me and my room mates the chance to let loose, by dancing like wannabe hip hop stars. Another call from the troupe to come eat dinner before it got cold, signaled us to put the room party on pause for now and head upstairs for some grub, which was another loud session of giggles and 'high' banter, mostly from my friend and myself i confess. But, thats what we were there to do, make people laugh and let every single worry slip away, and we did that quite well.

Dinner ends and more Smirnoff and beer later, the music shifts to another room, where there was, um.. more 'dancing' on display, much to the amusement and laughter of the onlooking group.

Exhaustion eventually sets in and we take a break, and start a game of acting. Again the alcohol inhibited our reservations to take on any role hashed out to act, which i must say we did with much conviction and enjoyment. Everyone took part and it ended up being one massive orgy of laughter and hilarity. One thing i must mention now is that in Uda Walawe, time literally stands still, for the entire evenings proceedings had not made much indentation on the clock. Eventually it's time to sleep it all off, and we retire with the promise to wake up cold and groggy, but early, the next day.

6.00am ticks along and knocks on our door. We crawl and we scramble to get dressed for our wild adventure. The previous nights activities has caused a sense of urgency to eat food now, so we serve strings and curry with a second helping of omelette and sausages with toast. A quick visit to the toilet, not forgetting to hang up the identifying bag, we set out to the Uda Walawe National Park.

We hire our 2 safari jeeps and begin the 3 hour ride through the wild scenery that stretches out as far as the eye can behold. Awe sets in at the vast land area that makes up the park, with mountains and clouds sitting quietly in the distance. Groups of elephants and swimming wild buffalo dot the landscape, while a few scared peacocks rush for the bushes as we rumble along. Many bumps and timeless snaps later, from about 20 cameras or so, we experience our only scare. A surprised sole elephant round a bend stops us in our tracks, and causes us to huddle quietly, low in the open jeep. He throws up sand and takes a menacing step towards us. Not a whisper can be heard as we silently snap away and record its every move, both in our cameras and our memories. The second jeep behind us, oblivious to the unfolding scene ahead, rumbles around the bend, causing the staring stranger to be distracted from us, and slowly turn and slink away into the brush. A few seconds go by before any words are spoken and we turn to each other with relief and excitement.

Not much else grabs our attention beyond that episode, as we make our way back via a different route, except for a heard of elephants munching away at grass and plants, while trying to cross the dusty man-made track. I was disappointed to not see any other wild creatures, although i managed to take a shot of leopard prints etched in the roadside. Half an hour later we stop off at a hotel to grab some pre-ordered lunch packets and then head back to our hotel to eat and clean up. A few manage to sleep for an hour, but I just lay there enjoying the happy feeling of being away from it all and a bit sad that it was coming to an end.

Another knock on the door and we were off, bidding goodbye to the hotel that allowed us the freedom to be ourselves and the chance for all of us to enjoy some much needed relaxation.

The ride back was watched over by the rain gods, toying with our speedy little bus, sending shivers through our bodies. With a quick stop for mangoes and another for dinner, of hoppers egg roti and drinks, we once again enter Colombo, and our drop off point. With heavy hearts we say 'see you soon' and head off once again in different directions home.

It truly was a wonderful experience and i thoroughly enjoyed every moment, because i'd been waiting for 4 months to let loose, and i did. With great friends around, many of whom share and enjoy my madness, i find myself blessed to have such chances in life, and i can't wait for the next time.

Uda Walawe, here I come!!

2008-12-05T15:35:00.008+05:30

I'm off tomorrow!!

Finally the day has come, to meet up with my old office buddies and get out of Colombo to experience the wild out doors. We're heading to the 'dry-zone', 200km south-east to one of Sri Lankas famous national parks, Uda Walawe. The park itself, apart from the man made reservoir, is a blend of abandoned teak plantation, scrub jungle & grassland. It's a great place for the nature lover, with wild elephants roaming freely around and leopards sleep soundly atop trees while rare birds fly high up over the enclosure. I just hope i get to see some of these natural beauties with the fore-casted rain threatening to put a dampener on our mood and surroundings.

We'll be staying at Centuria Tourist Hotel, which is situated adjoining a reservoir rumored to hide a few teethy crocs just waiting for a clueless human to venture too close... WOOHOO!!

We drive up tomorrow early morning, and are supposed to check in around 2.00pm, which will be followed up with exploration of the premises and hotel, and eventually a long awaited session of endless chatter, booze, and food!! Can't bloody wait...

On sunday, we plan to hire a couple of Safari jeeps and trek our way through the park, in awe and hope of witnessing some wild beasts, apart from the loud bunch in the jeeps itself, and maybe snap one or two shots for my collection and wall art.

This is going to be so much fun, and screw the rain and potential leaches, I'm going to enjoy this trip to the max!

Keep you posted on the details when I get back...

30 Rock Scared Me

2008-11-27T09:29:00.005+05:30

Watching 30 Rock yesterday, I realized that I too shared a similar phobia as the lead actress. A mix of Anuptaphobia*, Autophobia** and ending with Thantophobia***.

Living alone can be extremely liberating and such a confidence booster to anyone, but after sometime you tend to want or even prefer having someone to share it with, someone to watch tv together and laugh together, cook together and maybe, if you're lucky, be your partner in life, and fall asleep together, wake up in the morning and do it all over again...

As I get closer to turning 30 myself, I find my thoughts ever wandering in the above direction and the reality that still eludes, stems the underlying fears mentioned to diffuse into my thoughts, my dreams even, causing me to lie awake in the darkness listening to the ever increasing sounds of the night, till I can't bear it no more and have to turn into my pillow and snap my mind back to the present and hopefully get some sleep.

Is there anyone one else out there, who lives alone, who shares my fear?

* Anuptaphobia - Fear of staying single.
** Autophobia - Fear of being alone or of oneself.
*** Thantophobia - Fear of death or dying.

Have A Woofy Christmas!

2008-11-21T11:06:00.005+05:30

visit the website

It's for the doggies who need you.

Have I Ever? Nope

2008-11-16T15:29:00.007+05:30

I was tagged, thus spurs the below blog post.

I Have Never:-

Held on to the other end of the stick.

Found another giver quite like me, yet.

Bungee jumped in my life.

Driven really fast and recklessly.

Forgotten my best friends birthdays.

Forgotten my first kiss, with all its blunders.

Managed to figure out why we run this rat race.

Understood the sick cruelty that only humans reciprocate every single day.

Found my ultimate job.

Known for certain if I'd marry someday.

Understood what certain people have against me being me.

Wanted a complicated life.

NOT been a rebound.

These are just a few.

I tag whoever reads this post.

Lone Wolf

2008-11-10T09:56:00.004+05:30

Noun 1. lone wolf - a person who avoids the company or assistance of others, a loner.

The above definition would seem to describe me lately. I must say though this is only in regard to my working life. Ever since i started i haven't felt any connection with the company or anyone in it, and that has led me to believe that i could have made a mistake in leaving my previous job with all my close friends, friends i could be myself with and actually get me. I miss them a lot. I don't laugh anymore over here. Everything is isolated, i'm isolated by my own doing, and grouped into clicks of recognition and friendship. I have yet to find a friend that i can just be myself with and relax. I guess it's also the environment as its very open and noise travels too easily for any sudden crazy outbursts, which i'm so prone and used to.

It's been 3 months now and work wise I've had my share of frustrations. I don't like my current project but prefer and even wait for any distraction by work from another project, it's that bad. It doesn't help that the work that i have to do right now is new and more along the lines of a coder, which just adds to the stress and frustration.

When will it start to ease up? I don't know. What I do know is that come 5pm i'm itching with anticipation for time to speed up so i can rush out of here like a bat out of hell. The mornings aren't any better as with my eyes open, lying in bed the realisation that its back to work again just sucks.

I'm waiting for the day when i'd look forward to work again, as i used to. Keep you posted...

The Sound of Music

2008-10-23T14:01:00.004+05:30

It's been crazy. The production and staging of The Sound of Music held at the Lionel Wendt has seen packed houses almost on every night thus far, with only a few days to go till closing night.

To think I wasn't even going to be in the production, but only help front of house, and yet here I am being the Stage Manager of all things!! If it wasn't for my crew I don't think I'd be able to maintain 10 days of flawless backstage navy seal like operations. It's a huge responsibility. If we screw up the show suffers exponentially. Luckily we've had just a few mess ups here and there, which hopefully the audience didn't notice. Fingers crossed for the rest of the shows.

From the lights to the sounds, sets to the backstage crew and actors, this production has been probably the most stressing. But it's encouraging to note that the Sri Lankan public is willing to fill up every seat in the Wendt, and sit through almost 3 hours of music, acting and theater, applauding through it all.

One things for sure, come next year I think i'd rather be ON stage, cos, well I miss it. But thats not to say I haven't enjoyed hanging backstage with my old actors and working together to ensure that everything goes smoothly on stage, under the lights while the music plays, filling our ears. It's a great sight and experience when the curtain call ends, and the audience is still clapping, knowing that we've done a good job.

Fingers crossed for the remaining shows...

Another Monday Blurgh...

2008-09-08T11:06:00.006+05:30

With the current weather prevailing, sending my body into hibernation on an hourly basis, lately i'm finding it so darn difficult to get out of bed, grab a wash and then take the walk to office. Sigh. The only thing i want to do is cover up and hug my pillow, since thats the only thing i have to hug, and return to peaceful slumber. But I can't, cos my alarms ringing and there's that now growing nagging sensation at the back of my dreams telling me I need to wake up and go to work.

I used to look forward to work, at least towards spending the day mentally with my almost equally mental friends... sigh i miss that. Instead now i dread the work day and i wish i had more leaves to call in sick and just jump back into bed.

And now as i sit at my desk i'm trying desperately to stay awake. Maybe a little tea will help, its almost 3.00.

"I wonder if I've made the right choice..." that is now a common occurring thought that trails away without an answer. Lets give it a bit more time. Who knows, maybe i might start to like work here... who knows.

Just The Beginning

2008-09-01T21:26:00.009+05:30

So... let me tell you how my very first day on the new job went, ok?

Right where shall i start? hmmm. OK so the previous night i laid (as in placed, organized) my clothes out which included my sexy pinstripe black slacks and a brand spanking new striped shirt, my equally sexy girlfriend had bought me as a gift for the new job and all... Yeah so anyways, there i was looking all shexshai and i wished myself good luck in the mirror and set off for work. A whole 10 minutes later i was at office, gathering my temporary access card and being led to my new desk at the corner on the 1st floor of the building. After been introduced to my neighbors and a few familiar faces i sat down to begin my day.

First up my login didn't work so i had to idle till IT dropped by to help me with that (this is when i found out the administrator password ahem). Yeah, so then i logged in eventually and found out my mail account wasn't yet ready. Plus the necessary software for my work was still lying in a jacket of a CD case on someones desk in IT. Sigh.

So after eventually figuring out a new email client i fired a mail to escalate my needs. Hopefully all shall be ready tomorrow, I'll let you know. In the meantime i have installed yahoo messenger, configured skype and updated windows, for a hopefully successful installation of msn messenger tomorrow first thing.

Then that familiar rumbling in my tummy alerts me to the fact that yes i have skipped breakfast today and that lunchtime had now arrived. So with a friend i exited, walked across the road and bought myself a rice and curry, strolled back and headed to the 3rd floor roof garden/lunch/recreational area. Got introduced to a few more people, the names of whom i forget so easily silly me, and i whack away at my lunch which isn't all that bad really.

20 minutes later, full and after having taken in a game of carom i head back to my seat. A few hours pass by, which i fill with a few random chats with old office colleagues and visits to various busy looking websites of supposed research into my work related software, i while away the time. Around 3.30pm i was served a large chunk of butter cake which frankly I'm wondering, is it a normal occurrence or is it something the company does for newcomers? hmmm. Shall find out that too tomorrow i suppose.

With only 2 trips to the toilet, one of which I shall mention in more detail later in this post, and time ticks by... tick. tick. tick. The clock strikes, well it doesn't really strike it just indicates of sorts but you get my point. Yes so it strikes 5.30pm and the itch to leave, which has been growing for sometime now, spurs me to make my move. Shutting down the only distraction of my day, i proceed to sod off. Back out the closed glass doors to traffic and bright hot sunshine. It's almost like being set free into the world after a long, boring stint in the stockade, not that i know how that feels ahem.

So after running a few errands i meet my girl for a how-was-your-day sharing session over hot coffee and cute smiles. And then back home, surprisingly early, which i must say is quite cool.

And there you have it. My very first day at my new job. Lets see what tomorrow brings shall we?

Oh yeah wait, i almost forgot... I walked in on a girl in a Unisex bathroom too...

Saying Goodbye

2008-08-22T22:38:00.004+05:30

Well today was my last day at the place I've worked for the last 4 years. It's been filled with memories which I'm sure will last a lifetime, the place I met a really crazy bunch of the nicest friends and I'm real sad to say goodbye...

Was a emotional day, with so many forms to fill out and so many people to shake hands and give hugs to. After all the photographs were snapped and speeches given with gifts taken i bid 'see you soon' to my colleagues and my buddies.

I knew they were feeling it, but i really couldn't show how emotional i was feeling inside, so i joked and i teased till i was back home, alone again.

I don't know if I've made the right choice just yet, only time and patience will show me that, but i know for sure that work life just wont ever be the same without my friends.

So... i stand on the precipice of the unknown, waiting for fate to guide me wherever I'm supposed to go.

I'm sad.

HollowPoint Halo - Regenesis

2008-08-11T09:31:00.014+05:30

Regenesis went down at Club Nuovo on the 8th of August, which featured Powercut Circus, Thriloka and the highlight HollowPoint Halo. Our day started with the usual setting up, sound checks, lights testing and our favorite, the visuals, which up to the point of the starting time was causing shit loads of issues, making me and my co-visual buddy to sweat beans until eventually we got it working. Phew!!

So we were ready to rock. The crowd was pouring in, and the first performance by Powercut Circus kicked it off ending with their now popular "Arrack Attack". Thriloka stepped in next to mesmerize the crowd with smooth funky drum beats and electric guitar riffs. The solo bits of the group really got the crowd clapping and enjoying the music. After that it was down to the highlight of the evening, HollowPoint Halo.

We played 10 songs, with 3 of our originals "Distant Sun", "Lost Vegas Star" and "Freedom", and the rest being covers from bands like TOOL and Nine Inch Nails. From our God Console me and my buddy had the best view. We went crazy on the visuals being projected on to the makeshift cloth screen and just had a freaking blast!

The crowd went nuts for songs like "Vicarious" and "The Pot", songs which I'd say HPH is attributed to bringing to the local rock audience. The night went on and we wrapped up around 12 I think. Tired and exhilarated we packed up and headed back to studio feeling all giddy with the fact that we had done it, and done it really fucking brilliantly!!

The next step was to clean up and go get some food, although finding food at 3am was not as easy as we'd thought. So lots of roaming around later we ended up at Hijra for roast chicken kottu before visiting R&B for a drink. It was shit cos it was full of old people and the music was really really old.. blurgh!! So we ran out of there after a single beer and then decided we needed to get high SOMEWHERE, so we headed to Sugar. FINALLY some visual appeal and alcohol!!

So a couple of vodka redbulls later and a round of tequila we were forced to leave as the club was closing... Got home around 4.30am and dropped dead.

Twas a great night of music, jamming, and high levels of excitement. Thanks to all who made it to support and enjoy Regenesis...