Are You F@#$%ing Kidding Me!!!

My Complaints 4/21/11

2011-04-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Here we go again...

On Saturday night it got let's say... interesting at the club. It being a full moon, that seemed to bring out the dummies that wanted to go crazy. Everyone in the club seemed to drink WAY too much. You could see it on their slumped sucked in faces. Then, it happened. This girl who couldn't have been more than 80 lbs, exploded with projectile vomit that shot from the DJ booth to the bar, which is about 50 feet. The vomit must have gotten on at least 20 people on the dance floor. Then it turned into the pie eating scene from Stand By Me. Everyone started puking. EVERYONE. They were lined up 10 deep on each side of the street. I came so close to puking myself. Needless to say: interesting.

I have this new mind numbingly boring job where I have to sit in a lobby and...thats it. I don't do anything else. Just sit. All day. Except between 4:30 and 6 when I have to get up and say, "Have a good night!" and smile at everyone who's leaving. A few people tell me "Have a good night" back, but most people just ignore me and walk away. I decided to have some fun with that. I would say "Have a good night," and whoever ignored me (which was mostly everyone) I would say "or not" under my breath. Not even really under my breath, but not totally loud. I definitely started smiling more after that. Then I thought to myself, "I wonder if instead of saying 'Have a good night,' I say 'Go Fuck Yourself ' would I still be ignored?" Don't ask me how I know this, but YES.

My shitty new job also involves me working in the parking garage. Freezing my ass off for hours isn't fun at all. The only good thing about it is that you're allowed to use the radio when you're in there. I was listening to the radio when "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback started playing. Then the batteries mysteriously died at that exact moment. I'm pretty sure the batteries committed suicide to not have to suffer by playing Nickelback anymore.

I've been getting sick pretty easily recently. All I have to do is go outside on a cold day and I get a sore throat or a cough. Also, after 25 years of life, I've developed allergies. I guess I'm some sickly nerd now. What I want to know is, at what point did I become Macaulay Culkin from My Girl?? I guess I need to stay as far away from beehives now more than ever.

I don't know why scientists or psychologists would waste their time with pointless studies. Recently there was a study that asked whether or not the number one trait a woman looks for in a man is a sense of humor. I've known that was bullshit my ENTIRE LIFE!!! All they had to do was ask me. I've said for years, "You show me a girl who says what she wants from a guy is a sense of humor, and I'll show you a liar."

I know it's a day late...it didn't really make it better than it normally is...deal with it.

My Complaints 4/13/11

2011-04-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

I really need a way to begin this.

On Friday, I went to the Body Worlds exhibit at the Tech Museum. For those of you who don't know what that is, this doctor took all of these cadavers, filleted them like fish, and put all of their body parts on display in glass cases. Obviously, this is a must see. When I got there, I tried to have some fun with the girl selling tickets to the exhibit. I walked up to her and asked, "So...how much does it cost to see some dead bodies around here?" Not even a smile. Then I asked, "So...is it haunted?" Nothing again. Tough crowd.

I walked into the exhibit and there were bodies and body parts everywhere. Whole cadavers standing (some had swords and lassos and stuff). There were glass cases with whole brains and hearts and lungs (I know some of you just said "oh my" to yourself after you read that and I won't hold it against you). Apparently you can donate your body to this project if you want. I don't however think that would happen if you knew what part of the exhibit you'd end up being. There was one glass case and all it had in it was a penis and testicles. I don't think whoever donated their body to this thing would have been like, "I wanna be the cock and balls case." At least not that poor bastard.

This is the last thing I'm going to say about Body Worlds. Next to the cock case, obviously, was the vagina case. They had a whole pelvis in the case open up and you could see everything. The uterus, the fallopian tubes. Everything was individually labeled. I couldn't help but notice that there wasn't a clitoris label. I guess he couldn't find it either.

Here's a life lesson for everyone: If you get asked out by someone and you don't want to go, just say no. Don't say yes, then on the day you're supposed to go out, flake on them by saying you have to work on a "project", then put on your FaceBook that you're "having a great time at happy hour." Just saying!

If instead of writing lol in a comment, you write LOL, does that mean you actually laughed out loud in real life? After, all no one uses all caps all willy nilly.

After watching two hours of The Biggest Loser yesterday, for some reason I needed a milkshake. I poured a little out on the sidewalk for my homies on the ranch who can't have any. It was way gangsta.

I was finally able to talk to the smoking hot security chick at Target I talked about a few weeks ago. The problem was the reason I talked to her was because my jacket had set off the security tag detector at the door. Not a good start to our relationship; her thinking I'm a thief and all.

Not really much this week. I need stuff to do. Any suggestions??

My Complaints 4/6/11

2011-04-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

A day late...but better late than never

For a long time I've known that people are stupid. Let me tell you how stupid people are. My car was broken into last Friday. Inside my car, I had over $2000 worth of custom suits. They were all there when I got to my car. They looked at my $200 sunglasses and were like NAH and threw them on the seat. That was a little insulting. My sunglasses weren't good enough for a thief?? Whatever. Here's what they did take. They took my GPS. My GPS was under my passenger seat. It was under my passenger seat because it was broken. I literally took it out from under the seat the day before to throw it out, but I thought I might as well wait til I clean out my whole car and I put it back under the seat. So they took that. What really pissed me off was that they took my $6 cassette adapter for my iPod. Why the fuck would they take that?? What's the fucking street value of a cassette adapter?? Like I said, people are stupid.

Why would they make cranberry juice cocktail? All it is is sugar. They might as well call it cranberry drink.

On Bill Maher, some Republican strategist dusted off the old health care reform talking point, "We were never allowed at the negotiating table." Here's the thing with that. They were, but they weren't really there honestly. They would bring up amendments to add to the health care bill like "NO VIAGRA FOR SEX OFFENDERS" and stupid things like that. It really didn't matter because they would have voted against it anyway. The entire healthcare bill could have been "THE NO VIAGRA FOR SEX OFFENDERS ACT OF 2010" and every Republican would have voted against it saying that "liberty would be infringed on people not allowing a certain demographic of people something they should have a right to." Wow, I should be a Republican strategist.

I was talking to a friend of mine at the club about propaganda. He said "Elementary school is the biggest form of propaganda in the country." I then realized he was right. I mean, you have to say the Pledge of Allegiance EVERY DAY!!! It stays in your mind forever. That's just wrong. They've been doing that long before they had kids sings songs about Barak Obama. Just saying...

Alex said about my last weeks blog, "It was terrible." I said no it wasn't. And he goes, " It wasn't terrible...but it wasn't good." Hmmm...Fuck you dude.

Sorry it was late. It's probably gonna happen again sooner so sorry in advance.

My Complaints 3/30/11

2011-03-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Another week has past. Here's whats bothering me:

Law and Order: SVU isn't even trying anymore. I like how the undercover names they use are their actual character names. All the story-lines are ridiculous. Everyone is totally over acting. It's barely watchable anymore. I'm not sure when they gave up, but it is really depressing. it is as depressing as this past week's guest star Rose McGowen's face looks. Damn!!

They're having Shake Weight commercials on UFC broadcasts now. That would be OK if they weren't MALE Shake Weight commercials. What advertising salesperson thinks to themselves, "UFC fans are obviously super gay and they would enjoy these commercials between rounds. They're already watching sweaty dudes wrestle each other, so this is the perfect demographic for the gayest piece of exercise equipment ever invented." Not a good job done there.

How can anyone have a birthday party for their dogs?? Really?? If you had a birthday party for your cats, people would think you were crazy. How is a dog birthday party not as crazy??

I've been sick all week. It has been pretty bad, to say the least. I've been coughing a lot and had a horrible sore throat. There are two ways to deal with sick people: Help them out or be a little bitch and complain that they are around. There are two consequences to dealing with sick people these ways: You get sick yourself or you don't. Alex is sick now and my parents aren't. How do you think they treated me?

I was driving home yesterday listening to The Ricky Gervais Show, and I started laughing. I was at a red light, still laughing, when I made awkward eye contact with his very sad looking homeless guy. He probably thought I was laughing at him. He still didn't get any money though.

Alex was going through the closet, when he saw a spider on one of his shoes. He took this opportunity to unleash this blood curdling scream. I'm pretty sure it was the sound that his body naturally made let the world know about his brand new vagina. I guess I have three sisters now, and I'm Ok with that.

Even though I just started a new job, I am still actively looking for a better job. I check craigslist just about everyday. I am very weary about job postings that have spelling errors in them. Every job lists computer literacy as a necessary skill. I am assuming full computer literacy may not be necessary, but at least be computer literate enough to know the squiggly red line under a word means the word is misspelled. Just saying.

When you pay for groceries at the self check out register, it automatically prints out a random coupon for you for the next time you go shopping. I had always assumed these were random, but twice the coupon printer has printed out a coupon for Rogaine for me. FUCK YOU SELF CHECKOUT COUPON PRINTER!!!!

As it stands right now, I've got about 30 pages of writing in almost three months of doing this. I'm writing a book for sure. Just giving everyone a heads up.

My Complaints 3/23/11

2011-03-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

So another week...Let's just get started

There has been horrible weather the last few day. Its been pouring rain off and on the last two weeks. People who like the rain bug me. Whenever it's wet, cold and depressing outside, and someone says they love it like that, watch out for them.

Getting an STD test for guys is pretty traumatic if you didn't know already. What happens is that the Doctor takes a unusually large Q-tip and jams it in your urethra. I would compare the Q-tip to one of those things you have to use to knock an American Gladiator off a platform. Alex compared it to a chimney sweeps scrubber. " 'Ello Govna'. Gonna clean your chimney. Chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cheerie. I'm going to shove this inside your peepee"

Today in International Biceps Day! I wonder if tomorrow is International Triceps day? They're supposed to be done back to back at the gym...or so I've been told.

So I started my new job this week, doing security for this tech company. Every day there makes me more and more miserable. What I've noticed is that there is a direct correlation between how miserable I am and how much cake I eat. I pretty much ate a whole cake by myself this week. So there you go.

The other day at work, this guy walked passed my podium without scanning his badge. Scanning his badge is required to get onto the elevator, so I called him back and told him he needed to scan his badge. He turned around and gave me this look like who is this guy telling me what to do...Wait a second. Let's back it up here. Did I mention that right before he walked past my podium without scanning his badge, he just got off his unicycle, and that there was a unicycle convoy directly behind him. That's what I'm dealing with there. Guys on unicycles looking at me like I'M the moron. That whole scenario was a quarter cake right there.

Last week, I decided that it was a good idea to jump out of a perfectly good airplane and plummet to the earth before a big bed sheet opened over my head to slow me down and not kill me. It was the coolest thing I've ever done. I jumped tandem, which means I was attached to a professional skydiver behind me. It did get a little awkward when right before we jumped, the guy I was attached to got a massive boner. I was gonna say something, but I didn't want to die, so I had to let it go. Weird!!!

If you ever at any time make out with a girl, and a few minutes later she projectile vomits, walk away right there. You will be spared months of misery. Enough said.

I had more, but somehow a whole chunk of stuff I wrote got lost. BULLSHIT!!!

Let me know what you think.

My Complaints 3/16/11

2011-03-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

I just started a new job this week. A real job with benefits, vacation and everything else that comes with a real job. So complaints...

Fuck Yeah Complaints!!!

The only relevant comedy tip my dad has ever given me is, "Talk about shitting. Everyone does it and it's always funny." With that said, I've created a new term for diarrhea. Deuce Juice. That's trademarked, so don't steal it. I'll be PISSED!!!

A friend of mine put this quote on her Facebook:
"Being skinny feels better than any food tastes" - Kate moss
Wow. Just the message that is being sent to young women out there. Let a model give you health advise. Kate Moss doesn't care how food tastes. She only cares about how cocaine smells!!!

What I've noticed from working at the club is that certain women truly believe that they are better than everyone else. Now, no one is better than anyone else, especially when it's time to pay a cover to get inside the club. What I find hilarious is that the uglier the woman is, the more offended they are that they have to pay a cover. Women with attitudes are already ugly anyways to me, but this chick stopped the entire line and was like "You can't be serious? $10?!" and this bitch was MISSING THREE TEETH!!! This group of girls came in one night that looked like they chewed the wrong piece of gum at Willy Wonka's factory, and when they found out there was a cover they all said "HELL NO!" and left. I said to myself "HELL YES!" Now the club won't get cleared out in disgust and I wouldn't be sent home and lose hours.

An Indian guy in a turban came to the club last week. Doesn't he know there are no hats allowed in the club. AWKWARD!!!

I cleaned out the trunk of my car. There was stuff in it that was date stamped literally days after I bought it, three years ago.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up this week. Isn't it sad when the beautiful people cant make it? If they can't make it, how are the rest of us supposed to stand a chance?? I know everyone out there is devastated by this, but it's ok. You can get over it by seeing Jessica Biel pour melted wax over her perfect naked body in "Powder Blue". Gracias Señor Skin for that important tidbit of information.

Tell me why the stalker in that Virgin Mobile commercial is smoking hot. I'd like a stalker. At least I'd get some attention. I'd be like, "Get outta that tree. It's cold outside," and invite her in. I'm assuming (and praying) that my stalker is going to be a woman. Let's all hope.

I take back what I said earlier. Use deuce juice, but only on twitter. I want deuce juice to be a trending topic!!!

I'm gonna start doing stand-up in a couple weeks. I now have a shit load of material, and I've announced it here so obviously I have to do it now. Who's gonna come see me make my stand-up debut in a couple weeks??

Like always, let me know if there's anything you want me to complain about.

My Complaints 3/9/11

2011-03-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

You would think that getting a new job, partying it up this weekend and getting two checks last week that I would have nothing to complain about...

YOU'D BE WRONG!!!!

I felt really sick this weekend when I went to the Nike Outlet store. Of course, there's no bathroom in that store but there was one in the Panda Express next door. Then I came to this realization. You should feel like having diarrhea after you leave Panda Express, not have diarrhea while walking into Panda Express. That's never good. Ever.

My senses are definitely affected after I drink. I pretty much go blind, all sounds become fuzzy, I can't really smell or taste anything but everything FEELS AMAZING!!!

There is a serious problem with our education system, if you weren't aware. If you listen to KOHL you will know that already. Some chick on there was reading the Box Office results and said that Rango debuted at number 1. The problem is she read it like this: Rango debut-ted at number 1. What a retard. Oh wait, there is a mentally challenged guy on KOHL named Hammerin' Hank. I should be more sensitive.

I love the Huffington Post. I especially love their headlines. They make the stories very intriguing. For example, a common headline on there is "Jessica Biel in a teeny bikini", brilliant journalism. My favorite headline from HuffPost this week: "Ke$ha has 10,000 condoms?" The question mark was there in the headline already. I thought I was supposed to have the questions.

I got a new app for my iPhone that shows all the sex offenders in the area. I swear one looks like the old guy from Up. I really hope no boy scouts go to his house. He may try floating them away. He probably has hella balloons in house, but their full of Nitrous Oxide.

Mardi Gras was last night. I've never been a part of San Jose Mardi Gras before. I was an interesting experience to say the least. Definitely saw some boobies. Not exactly boobies I would have seeked out on my own though, but anytime you get a chance to see some random public boobies, you're going to look.

Alex and I went to the closing Borders. Why do they need closing signs on every single window and every single display? We get it, the store is closing. The people working there for a while longer don't need 500 visual reminders that they're losing their jobs. That will make them bitter assholes...wait a second...they were already bitter assholes before the store was closing. Fuck 'em then.

I was asked to complain about Kim Kardashian's new song. I believe I have already, but that was before I actually heard the song. I knew I was going to have a war my radio to get through the whole thing. These are the actual lyrics:Turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. That war was over. I had to shoot myself in the foot to get out of it. I'd rather walk with a limp for the rest of my life than hear anymore.

Once again, if there is anything you'd like me to complain about let me know. Please share this if you like it. Also, please check my archive and share those too. You will get definite compliments from me instead of complaints.

My Complaints 3/2/11

2011-03-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Another week...

There are true signs of the times everywhere. You just have to keep your eyes open. I saw pretty much the most ironic thing I think I've ever seen the other day. I saw a brand spankin' new BMW with a Pizza Guys pizza delivery sign on the roof. Now I wonder what the people who get pizza delivered to them look out the door and see that.

There is this guy in Downtown San Jose who basically drives a monster truck. It's lifted about 10' off the ground and it's as tall as the street lights. Ok, we get that you're a douchebag, but we probably would have realized that when we meet you. You shouldn't advertise like that. No sane human being needs a vehicle that needs a retractable stair case to come down so you can get into it.

There have been a lot of ~~midgets~~ "little people" coming to the club recently. There's this one who rides a rascal scooter and her slightly taller ~~midget~~ "little person" friend rides on the back. The one with the rascal scooter was on True Life: I'm a ~~Midget~~ Little Person, so she thinks she's hot shit. Doing donuts on a dance floor is not appropriate at ANYTIME LADY!!! Especially when you you have a little friend attached to the back of your scooter terrified that you're doing fucking donuts while she's hanging on for dear life!!! She looked like a Wienerschnitzel antenna icon with her legs sticking straight out.

They are selling an old person's walker as a piece of fitness equipment. They call it THE RACK and they have people doing curls but they're just lifting the thing off the ground. You could probably get a free one from a nursing home if you want, but you'll have to wrestle someone's gramdpa for it.

Kim Kardashian's single has just been released. FUCK MY LIFE!!!

Charlie Sheen has officially lost his mind!!! He wants an extra million dollars an episode? Doesn't he know that "Two and a Half Men" sucks. They'll probably give it to him though. For all the drug dealers who obvoiusly read this every week, how much cocaine can you get for an extra $1,000,000 a week?

My sister's students are ridiculous. Some kid said to her, " I hate Mondays. Mondays are the armpit of the week." I can't wait for this kid to learn how to write. WHen he learns how to write, he'll then learn how to type. Then when he learns how to type, he'll write a blog and I want to read his blog. I know it's gonna be awesome.

Someone paid $40,000 for Justin Bieber's hair. What a waste of money. He's not even blonde.

I saw this smoking hot chick that works at Target. The problem is she works as a uniformed security guard. She is in no way intimidating to anyone...what am I talking about? Hot chicks are way intimidating. Good job Target!

I should be a teacher. According to Fox News, they make between $75-$100,000 a year until they die. That's a sweet gig if you ask me.

In order not to swear around the babies, we sometimes spell swear words instead of saying them. That works until you spell out A-S-S-W-H-O-L-E. Good job Dad.

Alex wants me to put things in here that I put on my Facebook. I will put in one per week. Here's one from this past week: Ralph Macchio on Dancing with the Stars??? Doesn't he know that the crane technique is banned in all Ballroom Dance contests???

If anyone has anything they want me to complain about, let me know. Comment here or let me know on Facebook.

My Complaints 2/23/11

2011-02-23T19:01:00.000-08:00

This one is pretty short. Hope it's enjoyable to everyone.

Everything that's going on in Wisconsin is bullshit. What a buzz kill from the Superbowl. To have all your benefits taken away after your Packers won, wow. This is what happens when you vote Republican. Once something good happens in your community, they come in and screw it up. I really hope the Governor of Wisconsin doesn't need a police officer, a fire fighter, his garbage picked up, his streets plowed after it snows, his kids taught, to drive on any street, or use electricity the entire time he's Governor. Those are union things and are "costing the taxpayers."

Ladies: if you tell somebody you know is a creep that at some point you had a crush on them, you must accept the consequences. Non stop texts. Occasional late night drive by ogling. Dead animals wrapped as gifts. You brought it on yourself.

This guy wasn't allowed in the club because he was wearing a hat. He then mumbled something to himself and started laughing. He obviously insulted us,but what he didn't realize was that I don't speak douchebag...I take that back. I'm alright with conversational douche, but when it gets to fluent douche, I can't keep up. So insult FAIL on hat wearing douchebag.

In order to do my recent hipster photo shoot, I knew of only one store to get my "costume". Target. Target is Hipster Mecca. They worship there. I walked into the men's section, and they had a massive display of fedoras as far as the eye can see. Zip up hoodies on the same hanger as knit plad shirts ready to go. Ridiculous sunglasses all over the entire store. Even the ads have hipsters in them. Speaking of which, there was this hipster couple at my club last night. They both looked homeless, but I know their outfits cost like $200 each, except for the glasses they were wearing. Or should I say sharing, because they were handing them back and forth to each other all night. I guess they spent all their money on their outfits and could only afford one pair.

I saw a taco truck with past due registration. I wonder how many more tacos they have to sell to pay the late charges.

Dragon voice recognition for iPhone is pretty brutal. If you say "who is next" it will type "Mucinex" and since I don't have allergies, that doesn't help me. You have to say period for a (.) to be typed, so you can't say anything like "Thats the way it is period", because it will just type "That's the way it is." To do emoticons, you have to say semicolon right parenthesis to get a wink ;). It definitely takes all emotion away when you have to say "I can't wait to see you exclamation point colon right parenthesis" to get "I can't wait to see you ! :)"

Thanks for not telling me that I've been putting 2010 on the date for every post I've made so far. Good looking out everyone. Where were you at, fans?? I didn't notice and neither did you. How could we be so oblivious?

2011-02-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

Check out my manager/editor's twitter: Alex Jordan Caraballo twitter.com/ghostbuster510

Here's a link to last Wednesday's blog: http://tonyscomplaints.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-complaints-21610.html

My Complaints: Special Edition

2011-02-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

So, I was asked to be in a Matt Damon movie that was shooting in the city. This was going to be the coolest thing ever...So I thought.

First of all, I woke up at 2 in the morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. So I waited two hours before I left. I ended up getting to Candlestick like a half hour early. They staged us in this giant tent. Then it started pouring rain. You think being in a tent would keep us dry. Nope. This flood washed right through the tent like Katrina part 2. I sat at this table with these like 18 year old kids who kept calling movies they've seen films. Anyone who calls movies films are either British or douchebags and I didn't hear any accents.

So, at about nine o'clock, four hours after I got there, we finally stand up and they have us walk around the building, but the cut off just happen to be about three people in front of me in line. I was in the middle line so they had us all go back. At that time they had brought out snacks. I couldn't get any snacks because, first of all, I was in line, and when the snacks came out people had already gone to the boxes and started ripping them apart and rummaging through them like jackals or hyenas ripping apart a carcass.

So at one o'clock, another four hours after we were first allowed to get up, we lined up outside the stadium. People that were there at 5:30 obviously were allowed to be first in line. We stood there outside of the building for about half an hour. At that point, it started to rain. That's when they decided to let us inside the building. They had a sit in three separate sections of the stands. Our section being first,the middle part of the line being second, and the end of line being third. So when it was time to bring up people, do you think our section was first. Hell no our section wasn't first. The end of the line was first, and then the middle of the line, and then our section wasn't even allowed to go down. They said there were too many people. On the field, there were Blackhawk helicopters and Hummers and stuff. It would have been cool to see that stuff up close. Not yet though.

So then we waited in the stands for another two hours. At that point they said us being in the stands was bad because we were in the shot, so we had to get up and lineup outside. We were outside under an overhang for an hour. At that point the guy standing next to me started bouncing up and down. bouncing and bouncing and bouncing and bouncing. There was a girl standing in front of him I'm assuming what's his girlfriend. At that point he started sniffing his girlfriend hard quick sniffs like a pig looking for truffles. Now this is the most annoying thing I've ever seen in my life. So you're starving and you're exhausted and you see the most annoying thing you've ever seen in your life, annoyance turns into pure rage and I wanted to throw this guy over the side of the building. I didn't because I assumed me doing that would cause me not to be in the movie.

After standing outside for an hour they say oh we have to go back to the tent for lunch. Are you kidding me. I've been there for 11 hours doing nothing, getting pissed off, and how it's time for lunch? So we go back to the tents and the second we get back to the tents they get on loudspeaker and say we were done shooting for the day. After all that I don't even get in the movie. What a waste of my life.

I must be a gluten for punished because I'm joining this thing that the douchebags at my table told me about that gets them in movies all the time. I really hope it isn't like that again, but my luck it will be that way every time. So there you go. That was my movie experience.

I don't want this blog to take away the thunder of my other blog this week, so if you haven't read my other one for this week, please go back and read it. That one was more funny. This one is definite complaint though. I also tried writing this using Dragon Voice Recognition software. You'll read all about that next week.

My Complaints 2/16/11

2011-02-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

I think I need a Parental Advisory Label this week.

I missed the Jeopardy test AGAIN!!! I can't believe it. I want to be on that show so bad, but I don't know if I want to be on the regular version or on the college tournament. If I was going to be in the college tournament, then I'd have to sign up for a full load at Chabot. It would be so awesome to whoop someone's ass from Harvard or somewhere while wearing a Chabot College sweatshirt. I'd be like, "SUCK ON THAT FUTURE BOSS!!! COMMUNITY COLLEGE!!!"

My niece is hilarious. The first thing Brooklyn said was, "Alex, come smell my poop. It smells really BAD" The next thing she said was "Alex, you didn't do a good job wiping my butt. It itches!!!" What is going on in my house?

Activision says they're not going to make Guitar Hero games anymore. With them not making Guitar Hero anymore, there are now millions of Guitar Apprentices and Guitar Squires won't be able to fulfill their Guitar Destinies.

For my cousin's birthday, my mom asks me, "Can you drive us to the restaurant?" I said ok and she says, "Good. Then I can drink." AWKWARD!!!

Every time Facebook makes some kind of change, it fucking sucks. What is with this new picture thing? Why is there an unnecessary black box around each picture? It doesn't make anything look better. I know black is slimming, but fat people are still gonna look fat with a black box around their picture. It's retarded and it needs to go immediately.

Republicans make such a big deal about protecting our borders. They really should just say, "Keep the Mexicans away from us!" It's the southern border they want protection from. Don't they get that the worst thing to ever happen to America happened because the northern, not the southern border was left unwatched. We didn't see it coming; reports were ignored and the biggest tragedy in American history happened because we ignored Canada. I'm of course talking about Justin Bieber. He just walked in like he owned the place. He's trying to take over, and HE MUST BE STOPPED!!!

Just because a computer is left up doesn't mean whatever's there is up for grabs. Writing "I LIKE COCK!" or whatever on someone's status update isn't funny, it's retarded. If a blog is up, that doesn't mean read it, ALEX I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Ever since I developed decent credit, I've been getting credit applications all the time. The other day I got one that was completely in Spanish. I was Pre-Calificado so that's bueno, I guess.

Valentine's Day was Monday. There were a lot of people celebrating Valentine's this weekend at the club. Guys out there, you don't need to walk around with a firm grip on your girls' ass all night. We get it, she's yours. Whatever; she's not that hot anyway. Girls, just because you fucked some guy doesn't make him your boyfriend. You need to fuck him at least three times for that. So don't get mad when they look at some other girl.

Continuing on the Valentine's theme, Valentine's Day a couple years ago was very memorable for me. I was going out with this girl from my work, and we'd been going out for a while. We went out on Valentine's Day and she took that moment to tell me that she wanted to "enjoy being single". I must say work was a little awkward after that, especially a couple days after Valentine's Day when she came to work covered with hickeys (that I didn't give her). I guess that's what she meant when she said she wanted to "enjoy being single".

*I'm just kidding. That didn't happen on Valentine's Day. That happened on my birthday. I was saving that little gem of a story for my birthday blog, but I thought it was needed here.

SPECIAL EDITION IS COMING TOMORROW. BE EXCITED!

My Complaints 2/9/11

2011-02-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. What's bothering me this week?

Michael Oher just wrote a book about him being taken in by a white family. I guess he didn't see The Blind Side because that story has already been told. He needs to get with the times. That's for Alex.

The Valentine's Day Love Song special on Itunes is out. Each love song cost $0.69. Coincidence? I think not.

I hate jobs where you have to wear a name tag. Every name tag job I've ever had, whenever anyone says to me, "How's it going...TONY?", I felt this strange urge to punch that person in the face. The name tag I have to wear at the club has one fatal flaw. My name is written in small thin letters directly under the word STAFF in giant bold letters. So when drunken douchebags come up to me and say, "How's it going...STAFF?" like they're the most clever, funniest person in the club, that strange urge turns into an overwhelming desire to punch that person in the face. Don't worry Dad, I'll never do that, I just kinda want to.

If you didn't know, Charlie Sheen is a massive hot mess!!! I dont get how can our society reward these messed up people. Look at Amy Winehouse. They tried to make her go to rehab. She said, "NO NO NO, I won't GO GO GO," and what happened? She got like 10 Grammy's. Charlie Sheen locks a hooker in a bathroom, does a briefcase load of coke with 5 porn stars, and he is still gonna get $2Million an episode for Two and a Half Men. They need to take a lesson from Robert Downey Jr. A massive cokehead loser, he went to prison, cleaned himself up, and now look at him. He's Ironman; that makes him invincible.

My 4 year old niece Brooklyn cannot grasp the concept that my 24 year old brother is an adult. She goes up to my mom and goes, "Mimi, can I speak to you in private?" They go into the living room and she says, "Mimi, Alex just said FART! He's supposed to say TOOT! You need to put him on time out right now!" That kid is too much.

I had forgotten that Ben Roetheisberger was suspended for the first 4 games of the year. I guess alleged rape does warrant some kind of punishment, but 4 games and getting figuratively raped in the Super Bowl does seem a little excessive.

An hour after eating a half dozen egg rolls and a half dozen ribs, I thought to myself "Is is too late to purge??" It was.

I let my Nana read my blogs. First thing she said was "So you got in a big fight with a guy and he got blood on your jacket?" I said "I wrote that I flipped my pinkie up and a guy exploded. That really didn't happen. That's impossible." The second thing she said was, "I can't believe you said fucking that much. I didn't know you could say fucking on the internet." Wow I really hope I don't get old.

I had to work last night at the club. Tuesday night is karaoke night. Two people sang two separate Nickelback songs and I wanted to kill myself. I thought Nickelback sucks, but Nickelback karaoke might be the worst thing ever. I guess I'm not making an impact.
I now realize there isn't much actual complaining here, but does that really matter?

Like always, let me know what you think.

My Complaints 2/2/11

2011-02-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

I am someone who tries to not let anything bother me. I have a different way of living my life. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but it's called Hakuna Matata. Its a problem free philosophy if you will. Not a lot of things get on my nerves.

However...

People who walk on escalators drives me crazy. Not people who walk the wrong way, like up the down and down the up escalator, because people normally stop that when they're like 12. But people who walk up the up and down the down. Are you kidding me??? Your time is so precious that you can't take a 10 second ride. Give me a break.

People who dress their pets in clothes are totally annoying. Dogs and cats should never be dressed. The only animal besides humans that should wear clothes: Chimpanzees. What they should wear: Tuxedos. Why? #1 A chimp in a tuxedo is as awesome as it gets. #2 They're called monkey suits for a reason.

I learned something on Monday night. When old men drink too much and try to steal jackets, they instantly learn how to fly. Its an amazing sight, I must tell you.

With all the club closures in downtown San Jose recently, my club has been getting a lot of business. I got in a fight at my work. A giant ginger was getting outta line and wouldn't leave, so it was his time. It was really no big deal. All I did was grab this guy by the neck with one hand, flipped up my pinky finger, and with a big "skadoosh," the fucking guy EXPLODED!!! It was awesome, but my dry cleaning bill is redonkulous now.

Punxsutawney Phil predicted there was going to be an early spring today. I guess Al Gore got to him.

Jim Harbaugh is "keeping his options open" when it comes to Alex Smith. I swear to god, if Alex Smith gets re-signed, then Harbaugh would have wished he took his talents down to South Beach. The Niners will suck something fierce again, and worse than that, I will hate Jim Harbaugh forever(until the next year when they draft Andrew Luck)

Everything that's going on in Egypt right now is crazy. All the riots, all the unrest. People are finally standing up for their rights somewhere in the world. It would be impossible to make any kind of joke about that...EXCEPT...Sarah Palin says she likes the fact that the internet has been shut off by the Egyptian Govt. because that way SHE can't be blamed for the riots. How can she be blamed? Did she make a map of the Pyramids and put crosshairs all over it?

First week on Blogger complete. I might try to get two of these a week if I can. Let's see how international we can make this one.

My Complaints 1/26/11 by Tony Caraballo on Wednesday, January 26, 2011 at 7:00pm

2011-01-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

cWow, three weeks in a row!!! Hopefully I can keep up this blistering pace for a full month.
I used to work with this girl. Everyday she would say to me "I like your tie." Now the words were, "I like your tie," but what I heard was, "I want you inside me." That's what I heard. Obvious selective hearing, but I wasn't into it though. She was Precious before Precious was Precious. Not really what I go for.
Why has Law and Order: SVU become the new Lifetime movie? Every episode is the same now. Some girl got raped 20 years ago, she becomes a drug addict, she cleans herself up, Marisa Hargitay finds the rapist and and the victim kills her rapist at the end of the episode. EVERYONE IS THE SAME. It's so annoying. I'm all for twist suprise endings on a show, but when it's the same every week, it's not a twist, it's a straight line. Since I'm watching later tonight, I guess it doesn't matter, does it?
You think after two weeks, Nickelback wouldn't suck anymore. You'd be WRONG!!!
Why would anyone put fake plastic testicles on the back of their trucks? I seriously don't get it. Who goes into a store and thinks to themselves, "Hmmm, a giant plastic nut sack that hangs from my trailer hitch. I MUST HAVE IT!!!!" Does that mean the truck owner "has balls?" What's next, a plastic vagina that hangs from the trailer hitch of a Volkswagon Jetta to show the owner of that car is a pussy?
I just found out that the color coded threat level is going away by April. How am I supposed to know how scared I'm supposed to be for that day? That's a scary thought by itself!
I just got done watching the State of the Union. I liked how John McCain and John Kerry were sitting together. I wonder what they were talking about. It probably went like: John Kerry," That's not how I'd have done it. What about you John?" John McCain, "GET OFF MY LAWN HIPPIE!!!!!"
The other night at work, I was kicking everyone out, when this drunken hot mess ran into me. She was pretty hot though, I'll be honest. Then she then looked me up and down and said to me, "Hey, I like your tie." IT'S A WRAP BABY!!!
After I wrote my first complaint, Alex laughed so hard he fell out of his computer chair and farted at the same time. The second week, he laughed until he turned red and couldn't breathe for about 30 seconds. I definitely liked the first reaction better, if only for the safety of the reader. I don't want anyone to die from reading this, but if you shit your pants, that's alright by me.
I'm thinking about making this a legit blog. Is that a good idea? Let me know.

My complaints 1/19/11 by Tony Caraballo on Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 7:28pm

2011-01-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

Another week. Another list of complaints.

I got an early start this time as to not forget what I wanted to say. On Wednesday, I wrote "In Arizona, cops are allowed to ask for your papers depending on what you look like. After seeing the mugshot of the guy who did the shooting on Saturday, you'd think someone would have asked for HIS PAPERS!!!" On Friday, I was watching Real Time w/ Bill Maher, and I'll be damned if he didn't say the exact same joke. Now my question is: Why don't I have a job on the writing staff of Real Time w/ Bill Maher??? I can come up with that stuff.

Anyone else glad that the bum with the great radio voice has gone away? If there's no way you can profit from something, why is it necessary? Which is why Oprah didn't interview him. She left that for Dr. Phil.

I had to do groom check this dual meet. To check the kids nails, I grab their hands to see if their nails are too long. This kid just forgot to tell me that on both his hands his middle and ring fingers were fused together into one mass of a finger. I don't think it was good for his self esteem when I started dry heaving when I grabbed his nails. I bet he's really popular with the ladies at his school though.

Whoever got gum on my jacket that I just got back from the dry cleaners, FUCK YOU!!!

Jennifer Hudson needs so put some weight back on. What happens when big people lose to much weight to fast, such as Hudson, they develop what I like to call a neck vagina. The center of their throat sinks in and the skin from the side of their neck makes these flaps, or lips, whatever you like. It's never good, and it cant go away by going to the gym. Neck Vagina. Its going to be in medical journals pretty soon. Set a Google alert for it.

This just in...Nickelback STILL SUCKS!!!

So many douchebags go to Fahrenheit every week. I CAN'T STAND DOUCHEBAGS!!! To me the douchebag is one of the lowest forms of humanity. Douchebags are right up there with Nazis and Republicans. This guy who keeps coming to the club has a foot long faux hawk, wears a vest with a wife beater, and gropes every chick in the place. I've kicked him out so many times, and he's still allowed back in cuz he drops like $500 a night. He'd be better off dropping that on hookers. At least he wouldn't be bothering me. Douche!
Daydreaming is dangerous. If you're not paying attention, you will walk face first in a sliding glass door and smash you're balls on a chair. Trust me.

Sarah Palin said that she used the term "blood libel" in that ridiculous response video she made even though "No one told her what it meant." You know she gets a lot of shit for being stupid, but I feel bad for her sometimes. I mean her baby is smarter than her. You need to feel some sympathy for that. That's wrong on so many levels, I know.

But seriously, I saw pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen Sunday night. I was driving home when this frantic guy waved me down asking for my help. I see that he had swerved off the street and his car was smashed into a wall. I then see a guy on the hood who had apparently been hit by this guy who drove off the road. He was wearing really old, dirty clothes. He was obviously homeless. I parked my car and ran over to the guy on the hood. I asked, "Are you ok!" With a very raspy whisper, all he could get out was "Help me. Help me." I looked at him for a second then said, "I'm sorry but you don't have a great radio voice," then I got back in my car and drove away. What a waste of my time.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell after that. Aw well.

Just like last week, I'd really appreciate some feedback. Let me know what you think people. If you took your time to read it, I'll take my time to read your critique.

My complaints 1/12/11 by Tony Caraballo on Wednesday, January 12, 2011 at 8:16pm

2011-01-30T23:13:00.000-08:00

I guess its time I get started on this. I really don't know where to start though. I'm really just going to start typing, and hopefully whatever comes out doesn't seem like drivel I know already there aren't going to be any kind of segways at all. OK here we go.

I went to Concord to reff a dual meet. For those of you who don't know about wrestling, a full dual meet would have 14 JV matches and 14 varsity matches. This dual meet had 2 JV and 4 Varsity matches. That should be a cakewalk, right? NOT! First of all, all the matches dragged on and on because they sucked. Then the last match comes up. The coach get up and says "He has a beard." When I did groom check for the teams, no one had any facial hair at all, because its not allowed. The "kid" who the coach said had a beard was 6'5" and not only had a beard, but his beard was a mix between a lumberjack and Jesus. When I saw him walking around, I thought he was someone's dad. For all I know, he is someone's dad, or was held back HELLA TIMES. His beard was so long, that when I told him the beard had to go, he could CUT IT WITH SCISSORS!!!!! Anyway, his brother was a coach and a major douche bag. His other brother won a state title, so they knew better. They didn't have this kid in line for groom check because they knew there would be trouble. I would have noticed Paul Bunyun if he was there. SO I disqualified the kid and I got booed outta the gym. Way to stay classy, Concord High!

Have you ever shit so much you started sweating? OK. Have you ever shit so much and started sweating while at your work? No? well never mind then.

Al, Alysse and I took Brooklyn to see Tangled the other day. She wanted to get a snack and she says "I know I had my cookies, but its OK because there are snacks downstairs," because she knew our theater was right next to the snack bar. That girl is too much. I went down and got a drink and a box of Skittles. I had no intention of sharing them because a drink and a box of Skittles cost almost $10. I was eating each Skittle one at a time and savoring each one like they were miniature fruit flavored Fillet Mignons. Brooklyn heard me eating them and I had to give her some. BULLSHIT!!!

Whoever gave Kim Kardashian a record deal FUCK YOU!!!!!!! Enough said on that.

If there was ever a cruel irony of nature, it's giving someone more hair on their back then there is on their head. Oh but don't worry, if that happens, you can pay someone $50 to put scalding hot wax on your back and rip the hair from your flesh 40 Year Old Virgin style.

Nickelback SUCKS!!!! Enough said on that.

About a year ago, Amanda gave me shit about using my Ipod to write comments because she thought it was an Iphone. She said "A facebook and an Iphone, you hipster you". Well since I'm definately getting Verizon Iphone on Feb. 10, on Feb. 11, I'm getting some plastic rimmed glasses, a striped zip up hoodie, and I have an appointment to get hockey puck size plugs put it my earlobes. That's all in the new contract. Look it up.
Well I think I'm done. Please comment and give me suggestions on how I could make it better. I'm looking to give this thing a title. I'm thinking "Are you fucking kidding me?" but I'm open to suggestions.

My new thing I'm going to do by Tony Caraballo on Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 11:55pm

2011-01-30T23:10:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a lot of complaining recently about one thing or another on here. For some reason, whenever someone complains about something, I always end up laughing. I also end up laughing whenever I complain about something. I think how can something so stupid, whatever it is, bother me like that. So what I've decided (basically for my own amusement and since I have nothing better to do) is that once a week, I'm going to come on here and complain about whatever bothered me that week. Hopefully it will make people laugh and put some things into perspective for people(really I'm going for laughs). If anyone has something they want to complain about but want to be anonymous for whatever reason, just message me and I'll complain for you. Hopefully pretty soon I'll find some better way to use my time and wont have to do this very long(Oh look I've already started lol) but until then this should be fun.

My Complaints have come to blogger

2011-01-30T23:00:00.000-08:00

So I've moved My Complaints from a Facebook note to blogger. Just like how it is on Facebook, I'd appreciate comments and any kind of critique. Just let me know what you think. Also, if you like my complaints that week, please share it on your page. I'd really appreciate it. I'm going to have my old notes on here too because now I have an archive. It really doesn't matter that it's just four things. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Thanks a lot!