Are you Freaking Celiac?

Miss. P's Gluten Free- My Personal Heaven

2019-06-24T20:38:00.001-07:00

Oh people! Brace yourselves! Let me tell you about my new favorite place in the whole wide world.

Let me tell you about Miss. P's Gluten Free store in the Avenida Market. First off, you have to visit the Avenida Market. It's like a food court and farmers market all rolled into one beautiful bright space in the Avenida mall off McLeod Trail. There are lots of gluten free restaurants, clean tables, cute little stores, fresh produce and a cool looking child area. My spawn refused to play in the area because they said it was too babyish for them. Apparently, being 15 and 13 means you don't want to play with mommy anymore, and you don't tell her things anymore, and you don't like singing wheels on the bus anymore...whatever. As you can see, I'm still struggling with the growth part of mothering. It's a process people, back off.

Anyway, your smaller children (that still love you) will enjoy the area. Parents will love how much parking there is and how clean the place is. Right in the center of the Avenida Market, is Miss. P's Gluten Free Store and right in the middle of that store is the lovely, Miss. P who is the owner, operator, and genuine Gluten Free baker.

You all know that I have tried EVERY SINGLE gluten free bread out there. I have wept over the rice bread that exploded in a puff of crumbs the first bite, I have frozen bread, toasted bread, sourced bread online for vacations, I have epically failed at baking my own, I have hunted from corner to corner and edge to edge for a gluten free bread that is edible, and won't cost me a mortgage payment to buy it.

I give you, Miss. P's Gluten Free breads, and cakes, and cookies, and treats, and pies. The bread is especially notable for it's texture and size. It's a full two inches longer and certainly higher than any other gluten free bread I have ever seen. It's so good!

Look at this! It's Miss.P's loaf of white bread. Doesn't it look amazing? Also, please note that my counter tops are clean.

I've treated myself to the white bread and the sour dough, yes, sour dough and they were incredible. I ate the sour dough in like 24 hours. I'm not ashamed to admit that. She also makes these cute little hand held meat pies. The chicken is my favorite, the dough is perfect and the filling is super good. The first time I bought one, I ate it in the car like a savage. It was delicious. She will make you a sandwich too! She has lemon bars (so light and gorgeous), cookies, cakes, and buns. Everything is made to the highest quality and totally safe for Celiac's. I can not say enough good things about Miss. P and all her hard work. Please go visit her in the Avenida Mall and throw money at her and then eat all her talent up.

I made myself this corned beef sandwich, look how amazing this bread looks. Next time I am going to have Miss. P make me the sandwich. She does that too.

It's the size of a regular loaf of bread! No tiny weirdly shaped pieces!

It is so delightful for a Celiac to walk up to a counter and order anything we want. To then receive a beautiful, high quality, affordable, gluten free product, makes us feel normal, and yet, somehow, very special. That's the magic of Miss. P's Gluten Free. So go and visit her, have a chat and enjoy her extraordinary talents.

Celiacs is a Family Disease

2019-02-18T13:32:00.002-08:00

Look at this perfect family sitting around eating bread. Did that mom put on a blouse for dinner?
FUUUUUCK THAT. This is NOT my family on Family Day...we are better.

Today in my home province of Alberta, is family day. Family day is mostly seen as a free stat during which, no one really spends time with their family. Well, those perfect parents will post those perfect Facebook pictures of their perfect children in perfect matching outfits with their perfect adults' perfectly whitened smiles as they take a perfect snowy walk.....just perfect. Their kids don't fight, never get too much screen time, and never loose a sock in the laundry.

Side note: My husband has been complaining about his fourteen lost pairs of black socks for weeks now.

Double side note: My sister and I were dressed in the exact same clothes for years (she, all in yellow and I all in pink) and I can tell you, it's traumatizing. So random Facebook lady with the two girls dressed in identical themed outfits, knock it off. It makes them look like Children of The Corn and gives other people the willies. Stop now.

My husband and I don't nail this parenting job all the time, but the one day we do, is family day.

We fucking OWN family day bitches.

The husband and I have taken this day for OUR family, the rest of you get out of our way. Our relationship with Family Day started years ago, when I was 20 weeks pregnant with our second and we were told we would lose her. What followed was our lives being tossed upside down and inside out. The next five months were steeped in terror and chaos as each moment of that pregnancy was touch and go. Each day was a prayer and a baby growing against the odds, the doctors, and the many shitty catastrophic pamphlets they forced us to read. It was a brutally difficult time on our little family and the broods of support people around us until our little tiny miracle girl screamed into this world, as perfect as perfect can be.

By all accounts, the day you plan a funeral for your unborn baby should be a traumatic day to remember, but the baby daddy and I were determined to change the narrative of this day. It would not be remembered with fear, it would be a day to celebrate the family it forced us to become. If it wasn't for that Family Day 13 years ago, we would be a very different family. Don't get me wrong, we would still be fucking awesome, but I don't think we would appreciate each other or trust each other as much as we do.

So today, there are no phones, no people over, no going out. Just us Lyon's people together, doing fun shit all day and being grateful for each other. I will force each member of my family to say thank you to each other for one specific thing and to say one thing you appreciate about the other members of this family. Past years determine that they will hate this activity, I don't give a shit.

My thank you is usually based around my Celiacs and contrary to my normal way of speaking, I will keep it brief. I'm aware that I suck up a great deal of the talking room at any given moment of the day, I know that I don't shut up enough, I know I don't listen enough, (right here is the big test to see if the husband reads this blog because he will LOVE that shit - like, he will put that quote on my gravestone).

During our Family Day gratitude time, I try very hard to stay extra quiet and hear my family and remember each and every bit of their wonderfulness.

Make no mistake, Celiacs is a family disease, one that my family has been struggling with for 8 years. REMEMBER FOLKS, I WAS DIAGNOSED WHEN MY SPAWN WERE 4 AND 6 and they have weathered this disease far better than I have and they aren't even allowed to swear like I am.

If I had all the time I wanted to thank my family this family day, this is what I would say:

Thank you for your patience with my Celiacs.

Thank you for not being the centre of attention in every single restaurant.

Thank you for not being angry when the server forgets something you asked for because they were so focused on making my food safe. The amount of times your ketchup has been forgotten without complaint is shocking.

Thank you for leaving restaurants when I can't eat there, even though I knew you were starving and really wanted their food.

Thank you for washing your hands, all the time, everyday, because you had gluten six hours ago.

Thank you for resetting every restaurant table so that your bread plate is no where near my plate.

Thank you for brushing your teeth after eating gluten.

Thank you for being SO careful with your gluten food in our kitchen, My children have been sanitizing our counters for 7 years, that's like half their life.

Thank you for going to vacation resorts that Celiacs can eat at and because of that, we have to spend more money and because of that, we can only go every second year.

Thank you for being my eyes and years at every party we have ever been to. You are my soldiers of cross contamination.

Thank you for not complaining that we can't go to a LOT of the restaurants that your friends go to with their families.

Thank you for taking care of me when I get glutened and making it so easy for me to lay in bed and not take care of any of you.

Thank you for not crying when I am crying in the pain of a gluten poison, I couldn't stand it if you did.

Thank you for being as frustrated as I am when I get poisoned and thank you for being zen about it too.

Thank you for eating gluten free tortillas and pancakes and waffles and breads and cookies even though you don't need gluten free and it doesn't always taste good.

Thank you for lying to me when baking experiments don't work out. You are terrible liars but I appreciate your attempt.

Thank you for saving my gluten free cereal for me alone.

Celiacs is a family disease and my mommy guilt for that is a thick calloused layer that pushes on my heart every day, all day.

Today though, I get to ease that guilt a little and tell my family how grateful I am this, and every day that we are as tough and loving a family as we are. If we hadn't that horrible family day all those years ago, we would not be able to handle my Celiacs as well as we do, so everything happens for a reason, especially on Family Day. So go and thank your family for being who they are, thank them for dealing with your Celiacs, because your disease is their disease.

Happy Family Day to you and Your Family.

Love
This Freaking Celiac, her husband (partner in crime and baby daddy), and their spawn who will never wear matching outfits but are perfect anyway.

A Vacation from Celiacs? Nothing is Impossible.

2018-12-30T10:55:00.003-08:00

We Celiacs don't get to take a break from our disease, ever. Every moment, every hour, every meal, every glass, every fork, every spoon, every cloth used to wipe the counter, every beauty product, every single thing that goes near our bodies, we have to think about, contemplate, read the label. Everyday all day everything I do, celiacs is a factor.

I never thought it was possible to go on a vacation from my Celiac Disease. I’ve never even considered dreaming about such a thing. I am not necessarily what you would call a dreamer, Celiacs fixed that. But I did! I did! I went on a vacation from my Celiac Disease. Fuck you Celiacs I showed you!

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while now, know that every second Christmas my family and I take a vacation. Why? Why in God's name would I take a vacation from my life? If you have to ask that question you are far too rich, and far too happy to be reading this blog, stop now. Go read philosophy or some other bullshit words of wisdom. But don't keep reading this if you don't think you need a vacation. Or indeed, that I need a vacation.

This makes me so happy!

These breaks every two years are the thing I live for. I love going to a Mexican all-inclusive, enjoying my family and laying in the heat of the sun by the ocean for days on end. I have never however, been able to take a break for my celiac disease. If any of you remember two years ago, I struggled a lot with my celiacs on our vacation and ended up basically starving for a week. It's always been worth it though, it's always been great no matter what. So I have somewhat given up being able to take a break from my celiacs. Until now.

This trip, we found ourselves at the Iberostart Playa Mita , a stunning resort full of amazing staff members and awesome activities. Now this resort, in general has a better gluten-free policy than most resorts. When we arrived, the concierge wrote me the same Celiac letter that I have gotten written at other resorts. Now, the problem at other resorts was that there wasn't really anyone who understood what gluten was even though they understood that I could not have it. Most of the Chefs at theIberostar Playa Mita in Puerto Vallarta very much understand what gluten is.

They have icons on all of the menus letting you know if something is gluten-free or not, they also have these little signs above the buffet items which I was very encouraged to see. However, it wasn’t a fool proof system. The bacon was always labeled gluten free (as bacon is because God loves me the best), but the bacon tray was lined with white bread to soak up the grease. This makes the bacon very UN gluten-free. It was okay, I wasn't that heartbroken because I get a lot of bacon at home, I am Canadian after all. I'm fairly sure there is bacon in my shampoo. There is certainly bacon in my nail polish. This incident certainly made me worry that the next ten days were going to be a minefield of gluten avoiding panic. Not so...

The Iberostar Playa Mita in Puerto Vallarta has a secret weapon . His name is Chef Aldo, and other than my husband and my children, he is my favorite person on the planet. Between you me and the fence post, he actually edges above them a little bit, I’ll deny that to my family if you tell them. Chef Aldo was determined to give me a vacation from Celiac Disease. This Chef went above and beyond at every meal to make sure that my food was safe. He often stayed late to talk to my dinner chef, came in early to walk me through the lunch buffet, and more than once, made me a special meal or dessert. This was done quietly and charmingly to make me feel special without making a spectacle of me. It was pretty awesome. I don't know if Chef Aldo fully grasped the hugeness of his effect on our vacation. He was so humble that most days it he just shrugged it all off. Maybe he understood the gravity of this situation the day I started to bawl like Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias when I tried to thank him for his hard work. Honestly, I'm getting teary-eyed right now talking about it. It was the most extraordinary gift I've ever received.

Me and Chef Aldo, the nicest man I know.

This was the best vacation I have ever had, not only because the Iberostar Playa Mita was a stunning resort, or that Vicente made the best margarita’s on the planet, or because my family laughed together and played together and napped in the sun together. This vacation slipped ahead of all the other vacations we have had because one Chef, took the time to make my visit sheer perfection. So go, on your next vacation, go to the Iberostar Playa Mita in Puerto Vallarta. Ask for Chef Aldo and give him a hug from me, and tell him I miss him. Also ask for that passion fruit dessert, it was so good that I yelled curse words at him, then I cried because I am all class.

The Passion Fruit Dessert that I shall dream about each and every night.

The special Christmas Eve Desserts that Chef Aldo made for me.

My Christmas Eve Dinner buffet meal. Yeah, no starving for this Celiac!

This McBitch Just Redefined Fast Food

2018-11-15T21:07:00.001-08:00

I need to start off with an apology, which is how I start off all my interactions with my priest. I haven't posted in what feels like forever, and I am sorry about that. I have some good excuses though, one that includes a arm/hand/tendon issue which has caused me to spend my summer in a lame ass brace and a sling. I never realized how much I clap like a toddler when I am delighted until it started to feel like my wrist was being tazed every time I tried. My laptop also crapped out which involved a bunch of googling and cursing at the blue screen of death that then turned into the black screen of death to punish me for having the audacity to think I had some level of control over technology.

After lots of acupuncture, cortisone shots, chiro, and swearing, the arm is feeling better and I'm going to try typing until it starts to hurt again.

Let's talk about fast food.

Fast food is all about convenience. It's a staple for quick work lunches, road trips and late night cravings. In general, I wasn't a fast food gal before my Celiac Diagnosis but I had my favorites. There are days that I would sell my fingernails for a Big Mac. Man, I could crush a Big Mac like a snake eats a rat. Now, reader, this is very important, don't send me a recipe for a 'gluten free' version of a Big Mac because despite your best intentions and wishing IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! Stop now....now. When I respond to you, I will make you cry....and it will be your own fault.

We all know fast food is bad for you right? Right? It's full of fat and sugar and ground up barbie doll arms or something...I don't know. We all know that, except for the people who have sued the fast food chains because they got fat from eating there three times a day for ten years. They don't get it but we do. That being said, people still eat there and if you eat there occasionally, it most likely won't kill you. So, most people take advantage of this occasional gluttony on overly scheduled days, on road trips and any day that mom runs out of fucks.

For Celiacs, there are few options for fast food. We technically can have the chili and the baked potatoes from Wendy's, the fries from Wendy's and McDonald's, and salads at most places. I say technically here because in a perfect world, (one that doesn't have any lip plumping videos on YouTube) Celiacs can go into a fast food chain and consume these items. In reality? These foods are not prepared with Gluten Free-ness in mind. Therefore, it is entirely possible that someone accidentally dropped a bun in the chili trough and/or, someone cooked chicken tenders in the fry fryer thus making it all inedible for us Celiacs. So what do you do?

You go to Freshii that's what.

Someone told me about Freshii a while ago and I somewhat dismissed them because the thought of buying anything from somewhere that you can order and receive in minutes usually makes it non-Celiac available. However, a couple weeks ago, I gave it a shot and man was I happy about that.

I dread going to new places because I feel very uncomfortable being a pain in the ass. Maybe it's all my years as a server, ones that are peppered with memories of overly demanding customers who insisted upon the red peppers in their salad being cut at a thirty-five degree angle and yet completely square. This awful person actually exists and presumably is still out there, torturing restaurants far and wide. I don't want to be that person, and although I am gracious and charming about my food ordering, I don't know how much my attitude of gratitude makes up for my high needs.

In general, my personality rarely makes situations better. I'm not working on this as a personal goal.

However...

I walked into the Sun Park Plaza Freshii location with the same trepidation and wide smile I always use when approaching a new restaurant, asking softly about what options they had for me. There was no need to be worried. A lot of the menu at Freshii is Gluten free and anything that isn't can be made Gluten Free. The best part is that it's no problem for them to take things out or replace them with something else, because they make everything ....wait for it...fresh. Hence the name I would assume. I amaze myself with my intellect sometimes.

You watch the Freshii staff make your items and you can revel in the care that they take to make sure that it is safe for a Celiac to eat. The Freshii manger walked me through all my options and let me take several of the sauces before deciding. I had the Mediterranean bowl with chicken added on and it was amazing. I (once again) forgot to take a picture because when I get hangry, I can't really see straight but trust me, it looked just like the picture on the menu. Like exactly. I truly loved the whole experience and I'm so grateful that I get to have a 'fast food' option that is convenient and actually good for you!

I will be visiting Freshii ALL the time now. I'll be there on days where I'm; over scheduled, over tired, overwhelmed, hung over, underfed, under medicated, cranky, drunk, out of groceries, out of patience, out of time, and out of energy which is every single Tuesday since I gave birth to the first spawn fourteen years ago. So Freshii is a welcome change for this former McBitch, now I'm just plain Bitch, which, let's be honest, is accurate.

Mommy Decisions...The Ultimate Punch in the Throat

2018-05-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

Oh Fuck You Lady and your little apron! I love the book and the lipstick, when do moms use those things?

Motherhood is all about decisions. Despite their appearance at being small or insignificant, these decisions can have lasting effects on your life and happiness. One wrong move Momma, and you will pay! In addition, these decisions don't follow the rules of the universe. Every action does not have an opposite and equal reaction. Fuck that. Tell a toddler that they have to wipe their face and you will NOT see an equal reaction. Every action you make as a mom could have a thousand consequences, and you have no idea which ones will leave an indelible mark on your psyche. As mothers, we have to be able to predict, run scenarios like a pro-football coach and know, with Nasa like precision, what the result will be. Think I'm being dramatic?

Here's a scenario, for you doubters. You are at a party with your family, and (God Forbid) having fun. You want to stay forty minutes later. Forty fucking minutes. Ahhhh but this will have consequences. This decision sets your mommy mind on fire. This late bed time will lead to an extra feeding for the baby in the night and an extra diaper change too, are we out of diapers? Shit, we are running low for sure. Why did I make the decision to skip Walmart on the way home yesterday? Oh yeah, because I made the decision to let the kids fall asleep in the car. Okay, so back to the forty minutes, the baby may sleep in that extra forty minutes (which, let's be fucking honest here, is fairly unlikely) or will wake up exactly eighty minutes earlier than their already stupid 5:30am wake up. They will wake up that eighty minutes early, grumpy and tired, and most likely wearing a tea towel as a diaper. That puts tomorrow's play group in danger. How am I going to get the house vacuumed so the babies don't eat the dust bunnies? If I vacuum while my grumpy baby screams, I will feel like a horrible mother but the drowning out of the sound by that point might be welcome. Oh, and crap, the laundry is sitting wet in the washer, getting moldy and gross. I forgot to change it yesterday because I was trying to figure out what we were going to eat for dinner that wasn't baby mum mums. I will have to change it over tonight when I get home but if I do, it will for sure wake the baby who (because he was put to bed forty minutes late) will sleep so lightly that a fucking butterfly farting will wake him up, if I can actually get her to sleep, which most likely I won't.

I'm not shitting you people...this is very accurate.

And it never ever stops. Decisions to ask your tween to clean her room take the consideration of a UN negotiation. What to make for dinner that they will eat, what sport to put them in, what chore to give them, should I let them play video games for three hours when they've played outside for six? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!

I've been a mom for over fourteen years now and I can tell you that I have never, not once, gone to bed and thought 'nailed it'. Because you can't. You can't win, you can't nail it. You can't. So stop trying. What you can do is make decisions based on your gut and know that they might be the wrong decision, and that it is okay. It is totally okay to fuck up being a mom. It will be fine. Trust me.

I want you to make one, very important decision. Find some mom friends. Kind, understanding, giving mom friends who admit to fucking up being a mom, won't judge you for fucking up being a mom, and who you can laugh about those fuck ups with. I have done such a thing, I have some pretty amazing mom friends. For Mother's Day weekend, we decided to take a night away in beautiful Canmore, Alberta and dear lord, it was glorious.

The main thing about my friends, is that they truly, give a shit about my Celiacs. Sometimes more than I do! Why? Because they give a shit about me, and that's an important point about motherhood too. Find people that put you first, not always, but when it matters. On this weekend, it mattered. My girlfriends found restaurants that I could eat at, no, not just eat at, but indulge in. They made it very clear that my Celiacs was a factor and those bitches weren't going anywhere that I couldn't go. See? Good decisions right? So, we arrive Friday night and get dressed for Tapas.

Tapas is my new happy place. It feels exclusive without being snooty, feels luxuriant without feeling pompous, and holds up it's ranking on being one of the best restaurants in the province. We were greeted by Niall, a charming, unassuming, sever who, through his constant attention, made it clear that his only focus was us relaxing and enjoying each other and the incredible things that Tapas had to offer. And man did they deliver. I wanted to eat everything Gluten Free that they had to offer but, I couldn't do it. There were simply too many choices. In addition, Niall knew almost everything I could have. I had the shrimp, the olives, the duck and the beets. I know, it sounds like a lot but because of the expert pacing of the meal, I didn't even feel like I had over indulged. The meal was, in a word that moms should never use, perfection. It was brilliant. Celiacs, you must go, you must relax and you must understand that they deeply, understand your disease and how to help you forget it for the time that you are with them. For me? Tapas was the best decision I could have made.

The Gambas

The Smoked Duck

The rest of the night can not be mentioned under the fifth amendment but really, it involved a lot of wine and laughter in our jammies.

For brunch the next day, we indulged at Chez Francois that offered me gluten free Eggs Benedict. Oh my heart, it was amazing. The service was great and the mimosas were delicious, if not a little pricey.

The afternoon was spent at Rapunzel's Spa. I almost get teary eyed at the level of care and love that we were shown at Rapunzel's. Four moms who all work full time, have two children each, handle sports, and dinner, and laundry, and school volunteering, and cleaning, and groceries, and laundry (yeah, I know I said it twice, it sucks that bad), and gardening, and travel, and paperwork, and annual passes, and baseboard dusting, and vaccination schedules (vaccinate people), and every other little (and big) decision, were given three blissful hours that were without decisions. It was such a precious gift and I, more than anything, reveled in the glory of watching my mother tribe get the spoiling, they so much deserved.

Dinner on Saturday was at the Hogshead on Canmore's main street. We somewhat stumbled across it as we were wandering around in the afternoon and we couldn't be happier with this choice. My friend Karin looked at the menu posted outside and noticed that they had Care Bakery flatbread and, because she is a part of my Mom tribe, knew that I have a special place in my gluten free soul for Care Bakery products. We went back there after the spa, all shiny faced and weak-limbed and we were served by the charming Alex. She knew her gluten free stuff and made sure my food was safe and my wine kept flowing. This final meal kept the indulgence alive with Duck Fat Fries (yeah that's right, duck fat). I crushed the Alberta Meat Flatbread on the amazing Care Bakery dough and could not have been more content if I tried.

My Alberta Meat Flatbread
(Note that I had started eating when one of my friends reminded me to take a pic for this blog. These bitches have your backs too people!)

Our Mommy trip to Canmore was an indulgence for sure, especially for this Celiac. I have a hard time putting myself first. Sometimes it's because I'm a Mom and sometimes because I feel very uncomfortable when my Celiacs effects those around me. The thing that made it all the better was making the decision to allow myself to put me first and to allow my friends to put my Celiacs first.

It must be said here, that we did not leave our children alone with a bucket of chicken, to survive without us. We left our kids with our competent, amazing, husbands. These guys step up everyday and make our mommy lives infinitely easier and happier. There wasn't an inch of guilt or bitching from the men in our lives about us taking the weekend, because we made good decisions there too. Thanks to our baby daddy's. We love you. As an extra bonus, this is going to be an annual tradition so you never have to think of another Mother's Day gift, ever. You...are....welcome.

I've made some really horrible decisions as a mom, and I'm going to do it again, and again, and again. That's okay. life is about mistakes, not about perfection. I am so proud of my Mother's Day decision to put myself and my mom tribe first so that we were in a better place to make mom decisions and fuck up in the year to come.

There is no winning in motherhood, but our trip to Canmore was as close to that as you could get.

Nothing Says Love Like a Good Dose of Crabs

2018-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

I stopped eating long enough for a picture.
Please ignore the sheen of butter on my chin.

Let's have a little chat about love. February is the month dedicated to love. This is due to the Hallmark invented, pressure inducing, overly commercialized, Valentines Day. Here's the thing. I'm over Valentines Day. Over it. I find as I get older, my wishes for sappy, romantic, over the top gestures wanes. I like getting flowers, I do, but really, at the end of the day, those fucking expensive roses are just going to sit in my house and rot. I guess it's that my priortities have changed. I'm more about experiences than stuff. So when my husband asked if I wanted anything for Valentines Day, I laughed my ass off. It was a hard no. Don't buy me some stupid flowers or overpriced chocolates. You know what we can do? Have a date night with lots of food and booze and just us laughing and enjoying each other like we do.

So, my husband suggested we go for all you can eat crab and ribs at Bookers BBQ and Crab Shack because he knows I love eating shellfish with buckets of butter and a bunch of wine. If you would like to see the tumultuous history of my love/hate relationship with crustaceans, click here .

Bookers has been in Calgary for about twenty years and it's shocking that Trev and I haven't made it there yet. It's located at the edge of downtown, near the river in a historic, hundred year old building. We booked through Open Table which is great because it has a spot to warn them that an annoying Celiac will be coming to ruin their shift. Trev also called ahead of time and felt very confident that they were on the ball.

The restaurant has a pub/sports bar feel so it's cozy and warm. We were a little bit early for our reso but they had no problem slipping us into a booth. We were immediately greeted by Karen, our server who was very knowledgeable about what Gluten Free items were available. There were a lot of options on the menu and I was happy to see it. However, I didn't go there to eat a burger. I wore stretch pants and a top I was willing to ruin with butter splatter so I could eat the shit out of some crab.

Is there anything that says 'love' more than this?
Note: Trevor's drink is in the picture because I wouldn't put down my wine glass.

The All You Can Eat dinner was $56.95 per person and this changes according to the current market value. It includes unlimited ribs, sides and (of course) crab legs. We had the coleslaw for a side and it was awesome. Trev started with the ribs but I was all crab all day. He said the ribs were great and although I could have them, I wanted to leave maximum room for crab. After we ordered, the General Manager, Falyn dropped by the table and made sure I knew what BBQ sauces I could and could not have. She even gave us a history of the restaurant and the story of the original owner and his daughter which is also a story of love.

Soon after that, and by soon I mean that I drank a glass of pino grigio, so like four minutes or so. Our first order of crab and ribs showed up. The next two hours is a blur of shells, butter and laughter as Trev and I celebrated our love with the least sexy meal you can eat. It's so us. At one point, a hunk of crab fell down the front of my shirt into my tiny push up bra. We both looked down, looked at each other, shrugged and muttered 'get it later'. This is true love people.

The carnage of love.

Karen kept the crab and wine coming and didn't even judge me when I asked for my fifth round (yes...of both). She was charming and professional and made the experience so much better. She's a better person than I am, I SO would have made fun of me. The crab legs were a great size and each order came hot and often.

It's a total travesty that Trev and I have not been to Bookers BBQ and Crab Shack before now but I promise you, it's now on my list of loves. So brace yourself Bookers and ramp up the crab inventory, this Celiac will be back to shame eat herself into a coma very soon!

What a Beautiful Picture of your Dinner Party! Why am I not in it?

2018-01-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

Something troubling has come to my attention and therefore, I must address it.

Let's offend people shall we?

It has become apparent to me over the past few months that I have not been invited to events because of my Celiac Disease.

It's true.

At first, I disregarded this issue as sheer self involvement. I quieted my inner Trump-like baby voice by reminding myself that it isn't always about me, (and, for good measure, I reminded myself that climate change is a thing because...science).

But quickly, the little voice of hmmm, that's strange, turned into, what the actual fuck? As I have noticed more and more facebook updates, instagram posts, and hearing stories of activities that I was not included in, that I am being excluded. These are events and activities where friends have gotten together at restaurants, had dinners, and enjoyed time together. Friends that I would certainly invite if I had such an event.

I know what you are thinking, Laurie dear, is it possible that you are just an asshole and no one likes you? Indeed, this is certainly possible, because as we all know, I am an asshole and frankly, don't care if someone doesn't like me. However, might I point out that on other occasions, and over many years, I have spent quality time with these people and they often seek out my company when something isn't involved. That something is food.

I've discovered through masterful levels of detective work, plying people with booze and threatening their lives, that I am not invited to these events because people often find it stressful and/or time consuming to serve me or find somewhere I can eat.

This hit me like a truck. It was a shock and to be honest, I'm kind of hurt. No, I'm really hurt. However, I must look inward at what I have done to bring this on for myself. After self reflecting on my own bullshit, I have to examine that, through this blog and other conversations I have had with people, that I have given the impression that there are requirements for hosting me. This was my mistake and for that I apologize.

The posts I have done on hosting Celiacs, cooking for Celiacs, and eating out with Celiacs, are for information purposes only. They are not demands! For fucks sakes, of COURSE I'm not making demands or insisting that the world cater to my bullshit disease, that would be incredibly selfish of me. However, reading back over my posts and thinking back over conversations, I can see how you could misinterpret my intentions. Please, please, I am begging you here, do not think that I insist upon you feeling put out, overwhelmed, (or even shittier) resentful, that you have to host me and therefore, avoid doing so to reroute any feelings of fear, or inadequacies.

It makes me sad that people feel like this.

As I've written before, I often think about my Grandma's now infamous line when she visited people and they immediately apologized for the state of their house, and/or calibre of their meals/offerings. She would smile and say clearly, "If I came to see your house, dear, I would come when you weren't here."

I remember Grandma Teresa saying this when I was young, too young to fully understand the impact of it. Now, as an all grown up Mom (who still doesn't understand what a pension is or how taxes work), I GET what she was trying to say. It was her way of politely saying, I came here to see you dumbass, not to judge you. YOU are the important thing, not your dust, your mess, your carpets, your food, your snacks...you. And really, that's the most validating, loving thing, you can say to another human being. It's not what you offer me that matters to me, I'm just happy to be with you. How beautiful is that thought?

And that's how I feel. I am always, just happy to be with you, not your food...you. I know this is hard for people to wrap their heads around because so much of our culture is centered around food. No one, and I mean no one, has an event without food. Shit, even the criminals on that 'Lock Up' show create meals for other inmates out of noodle bowls, tampons, and toilet water so they won't get shanked in the showers. Food is a major component to our society. We celebrate with food, converse with food, watch TV shows with food. For fucksakes, we even mourn with food. When someone dies, what do you do? You run to the kitchen and make a casserole, that's what you do! Even if you hated the dead person, you make the fucking casserole, because that's who we are as a society.

I completely understand. I am a fully integrated member of the 'serve your guest' cult. I get all squirmy and itchy when people refuse any service item in my home. What? You want nothing? Not even a glass of water? REALLY? Nothing? It gives me the willies and I immediately start thinking that the person has been invaded by the body snatchers.

I completely understand your desire to provide me with food and drink and strippers and anything else that I want to feel at home. However, for Celiacs, it stops being about the food. It stops being about what's on the table and more about who's at the table.

I get it, it's hard to feed me.

So here is a crazy thought.

Don't.

Don't feed me, don't try, don't do it if it's going to cause you to wish I wasn't there. Don't do it if it means that you don't want to invite me. Please.

This disease is rotten enough without feeling like I'm excluded.

I know that there are places I can't eat at, invite me anyway. I know that there are times when you make a giant meal and would love to have my family but you don't want to go to the cost and the effort of making it Gluten free, invite us anyway. Please. Don't exclude me (or dear lord, exclude my children from enjoying a delightful, warm meal) because of my Celiacs. Just invite us. Tell me ahead of time that there will be Gluten in everything. I will bring my own food, I will eat the plain chips and the veggie tray and I will revel in the glory and joy of spending time with you.

So please, I beg of you, invite me to the restaurant I can't eat at, invite me to your dinner and gluten the shit out of it, invite me to everything because my Celiacs is MY problem, not yours. Let me be clear, I'm not pointing fingers or being passive aggressive. Don't apologize or make a big deal about it, just please start inviting me to anything you would like me to go to, and forget about feeding me. If you don't actually want me there? That's okay too, because sometimes I'm an asshole and not everyone is going to like me and I don't particularly give a shit. I am who I am and if you don't like me, that's not my problem, it's yours. Grandma taught me that too.

But if you want me there and my Celiac disease is holding you back? Please invite me anyway because I notice when you don't and it hurts my feelings.

Remember, I spend time with you because I love you, not for what you can offer me.

Saying Cheerio to Cheerios...

2017-10-29T09:34:00.003-07:00

Every wonder why the Cheerios Kid pants are brown?

Ah Cheerios, the staple of a childhood breakfast. I have a love/hate relationship with these little Os. While I remember them clearly from my childhood, sitting with my sister on Saturday mornings, watching Bugs Bunny cartoons and jamming as many of these little nuggets of crunch in my face as possible, milk dripping down my chins to be wiped by my Strawberry Shortcake nightie. Fast forward twenty five years and I'm cursing the little bastards as I drag them, wet and sticky, from between the cracks of my toddler's car seat.

Since my diagnosis, (of Celiacs, not the other diagnosis, that psychologist/FBI Profiler had NO idea what they were talking about), one thing that I missed a lot was my favorite cereals. Since childhood, I rarely ate cereal at actual breakfast time. It was always an afternoon snack, or a drunk late-night meal where I still dripped milk down my chin and wiped it up with my Strawberry Shortcake nightie.

There are LOTS of Gluten Free cereals out there but they lack the sugary, crunchy, bad for you and in no way a part of a balanced breakfast, allure that traditional cereals hold. No one was more happy to see Gluten Free Rice Crispies than me. I did a very embarrassing, Balky Bartokomous style dance in Walmart. Or so my children say, I was drunk with joy, and a lot of vodka. Lots of common cereals have come up with Gluten Free versions of themselves and I appreciate it, I do. One has to wonder though, HOW Gluten Free are they?

The US Food and Drug Administration and the Canadian Food Inspection Agency say that anything under 20 Parts Per Million of Gluten can be labeled 'Gluten Free'. Which is awesome. This is the level for which the smart doctory types have determined that we Celiacs can eat a food and not want to die afterwards. All these cereal companies have to adhere to these guidelines prior to labeling an item 'Gluten Free'. The Government has done a great job setting a standard and holding companies to it through testing.

Here is the problem that Cherrios is facing. Oats themselves are Gluten Free on their own. I could run through a field of oats and eat them like a deranged cow in heat. However, Oats aren't the only thing a farmer grows. Farmers rotate their crops in their fields and they often (usually) use the same equipment to harvest and process these crops for sale. Which of course they should, have you ever seen a combine? Those things are right out of a fucking Transformer Movie.

SOMEONE IS DRIVING THIS THING

So the oats (which are Gluten Free) are being harvested and processed on the same equipment as the wheat and the barley and the rye. So now the oats are cross contaminated and no longer gluten free. Then, the oats get to the cereal factory where they are made into the little Os on machinery that has just made other cereals that contain gluten, so now they are cross contaminated again.

COULD YOU IMAGINE TRYING TO CLEAN THIS THING?

This is why we can't have nice things.

It's no ones fault, its just the way things are.

So, this is kind of how it went down. I always imagine this as a text...because I'm an odd woman.

GM : Don't worry, all traces of cross contamination are removed at the farm level.

CELIACS: Can you prove that?

GM: Trust us...

CELIACS: Well, it's kind of important that we know for sure. Can you prove that there is no cross contamination at the factory level?

GM: We tested. A whole bunch. We tested bigly, with lots of important testing stuff. It’s all very technical, you wouldn’t understand.

CELIACS: Try me.

GM: It would be a waste of time. You really wouldn’t understand.

CANADIAN FOOD INSPECTION AGENCY: We would understand.

GM: Oh...Hey CFIA, how's it goin? I didn't know this was a group text.

CIFA: Yup, we are here too and we would like to see your testing results and procedures please.

GM: Gotta go, my mom's calling and I have to do my chores.

GM has left the group

So do I think that GM was being cagey? No, I doubt it, I think they have a lot of shit on their plate (or in their bowl, so to speak...get it?) because they are kind of busy feeding millions of people and they have tried their best to feed the Celiacs but they really couldn't guarantee anything. In a recent article by CBC, General Mills has been requested to remove the Gluten Free label from their boxes in Canada.

Now, have I tried the Gluten Free Cherrios? Your're damn right I did and they were delicious. However, they didn't sit right with me. I kinda felt like I had eaten at an all you can eat Chinese Buffet...that kind of feeling. Maybe it was because my body isn't used to having oats at all, or maybe it's because my cereal box was a 'hot spot', which is how it felt later in the bathroom, trust me. So I haven't been eating them and losing the Gluten Free label on Cheerios is not a big loss for me.

There you go, a little science, a little PR and a little bit of diarrhea. I consider this post a win.

Get Angry, Get Mad....But I'm Right

2017-07-21T20:43:00.001-07:00

No Food For You! Go Starve..

All right, all right, all right....here we go. This post is going to ruffle some feathers and we are all just going to have to ride this wave together okay? This issue has been stuck in my craw for a long while and although I've touched on it a bit in past posts and in public appearances, I feel like it's time to hit it head on. Brace yourself bitches, we are going in.

Currently, I am sitting on my couch, with a glass of wine sitting coolly beside me, my belly is uber full of gluten free pizza (more on this later, this is a full circle post), I'm binge watching Shameless, and the spawn and my handsome partner in crime are up at the trailer and I have the house to myself. By all accounts, I should be as content as I can be.

Yet, I'm irritated and we have to talk about why. Why? Because it's my blog and my opinion, that's why.

Mature reading only here folks, not only have I had a glass of wine but as stated previously, I'm watching Shameless and the curses are going to flow like the River Nile.

It is a simple request, yet steeped in controversy and trouble.

IF A RESTAURANT IS GOING TO OFFER GLUTEN FREE FOOD, YOU NEED TO FUCKING OFFER ACTUAL GLUTEN FREE FOOD!

Simple right? And you'd think it is a no brainer, but, dear Gluten Eater, you are wrong.

This is what happened today.

I have a wicked awesome job where I get to work with some wicked awesome people and we have a wicked awesome boss. Our boss paid for all of us to attend a fantastic conference/info session from 8 to 5 today at a conference centre in Calgary's North East where we learned so much and loved it all. I got to take a nice long car ride with two work gals where we laughed and caught up. When we arrived at the hotel, the group decided to go to the The Toad and Turtle Pub for our upcoming lunch break. I secretly and immediately goggled said pub and discovered to my glee that they had a Gluten Free Menu (a rarity for a pub I assure you). When lunch came around we all jay walked (we were worried about the jaywalking, no shit) over and grabbed a table.

I requested a Gluten Free Menu and asked about Celiac awareness. The look on the server's face sent a chill through my bones. She'd look more confident if someone had just asked her to perform open heart surgery. After receiving the Gluten Free Menu, I asked the server again about cross contamination and if the cooks felt comfortable preparing my meal with a high level of care. Again, she looked both terrified and confused. This was going downhill fast and now I'm embarrassed and feel like a jerk. I don't like that I have Celiacs. It's the thing about myself that I struggle with the most, other than my penchant for running over loose cats (kidding, calm down Shelby) but I really dread every experience like this and it just got worse from there.

Several minutes later, (please note that we only had an hour for lunch), a manager came to the table and informed me that since I had Celiacs Disease, she tells all Celiacs that, "another kitchen might be better for me." This is a direct quote.

Now, let me be clear here, I deeply appreciate her honestly. I really do and I told her so. I would much rather she turn me away rather than do a shitty job feeding me and make me sick while I had to sit at in a conference room far from home AKA sit in the bathroom vomiting and sobbing in pain.

However, I wonder, beyond all wonderings, WHY OH WHY, couldn't they make me food?

After this conversation, I stayed a few minutes to finish my pepsi and left shortly after to sit in the lobby of the hotel, hungry because I certainly wasn't gong to sit and watch every one else eat. No... can't do it. As much as I love and respect my work colleagues, I could not sit there and watch them eat their lunch.

All Celiacs right now are yelling at their screen, "Laurie, you jackass, why didn't you bring food? We ALWAYS bring food, it's our thing, our gig, our secret to the universe. We bring food where ever we go. You KNOW this." And I say to you all, I DID have food bitches. I did. But I had a apple and some almonds and after sitting in a restaurant with the aroma of hot, fresh, delicious food wafting about, I can tell you, that apple looked about as appetizing as a piece of coal but I ate it, for sheer nourishment while my work friends sat at a cozy table digging into a satisfying lunch. I ended up liberating some peanut butter packs from the left over breakfast table and ate them with a coffee stir stick. True story, no shit, this is who I have become as a person.

So, I've been thinking back to that lunch all day and like most writers, once something gets in this chaotic mess I call a brain, I can't let it go.

So let's talk about the Gluten Free Menu shall we?

Who the fuck do you have a Gluten Free Menu for if it isn't for people who can't eat Gluten? Who? Who?

What kind of evil game are you playing here?

So, after years in the restaurant industry, and might I add, having the deepest respect for back of house, front of house and everyone in between, I want this shit broken down. Because everywhere I've worked at, could have made me something to eat and they would have given enough of a shit to make it happen.

So let's examine shall we?

Why couldn't the Toad and Turtle Barlow feed me today?

REASON NUMBER ONE: LAZINESS

In order to feed someone Gluten Free Food you have to make absolutely sure that their food does not touch (by hand or by utensil or by pan) anything that contains gluten. I completely understand that this is a tall order. It means someone has to be pulled off the line to exclusively make my meal. They have to pull fresh ingredients from the cooler, they have to pull a fresh bowl, clean tongs, clean pan, new gloves, possibly a new apron if they have been dredging wings in flour. They have to pull my plate either fresh from dish or from the bottom of the plate pile to make sure it hasn't touched anything else. Yep....that sucks. I get it, please don't think I don't appreciate the effort kitchens take to feed me. This is evident in my previous posts. However, your job is customer service and, like it or not, I am a customer. Agreed, a pain in the ass one, but a customer all the same. It is done. All the time, at Moxies and Earls and countless other restaurants who have agreed that my dollar is just as valuable as the next guy. Remember too, that I tip excessively for the privilege of you making my meal safe. I tip servers a lot and I have walked back and handed a fistful of bills to the cook who made my food, and looked him in the eye and thanked him from the bottom of my heart, I am not a waste of time, I assure you.

And before you start....

Please don't try to tell me that you were "too busy" to ensure the safety of my food. I did a quick count (and trust me, I can do a table/labor count) and you had 14 seated tables in the restaurant with 5 servers and two floor managers. That means that your kitchen should have had no less than 5 white coats on line (in addition to the two or three in the back on prep alone, because it's Friday and I know my shit) and because it was a Friday afternoon, I would bet my bottom dollar that your head chef was in the house if only to ensure a smooth Friday Happy Hour. So maybe SHE knew how to prepare my meal but everyone was too lazy to get her. Maybe she didn't know how to make a Gluten Free meal, thus we go to....

REASON NUMBER TWO: LACK OF TRAINING

Possible. Totally fucking ridiculous, but possible. The MOMENT you put a Gluten Free menu on your rack, you MUST TRAIN YOUR STAFF TO UNDERSTAND AND BE ABLE TO PREPARE A GLUTEN FREE MEAL.That means a meal that is FREE of GLUTEN. Plain and simple. Celiacs is a fucking disease and it's effects on it's sufferers is long and deep and to just sit back and say "well, we just don't know." is bullshit. Get educated. Get informed. Train your fucking staff so they know what to do and you don't have to send away paying customers. Do better. Be better. Rock that shit. Do not offer Gluten Free Food and then refuse to serve a Celiac. It's the most ironic, foolish thing I have ever heard. This is the equivalent of advertising a "Peanut Free Menu" but then stating, "Not for Peanut Allergies." What the actual fuck? What is the point? Spend the money, spend the time, take the initiative.

Let's be clear, this restaurant didn't just have random items on their menu that are Gluten Free by default. They had Gluten Free Buns and Gluten Free Breads and Gluten Free Pizza crusts. Now, I know the places in Calgary that make these items and I KNOW that they are Celiac friendly and I fucking KNOW that when you signed your contract with them, they advised you and trained you on how to prepare their breads without any cross contamination. THEIR PRODUCTS ARE MADE FOR CELIACS AND FOR YOU TO IGNORE THEIR WELL EDUCATED TEACHINGS ON HOW TO PREPARE THEIR PRODUCTS FOR CELIACS IS RIDICULOUS. For you to not continuously train your overturn staff on these policies is nothing more than laziness (see number 1).

REASON NUMBER THREE: THE GLUTEN FREE MENU ISN'T FOR CELIACS

The Gluten Free Menu isn't for Celiacs, it's for people who are Gluten Sensitive or people that choose a Gluten Free Lifestyle. Oh lord, let's all take a breath here. To say that a Gluten Free Menu isn't for Celiacs is like saying the wheelchair ramp is only for people on crutches or people who don't like stairs. Why don't just have an "Onion Free" menu for people who don't like onions but then make it clear that you might still get onions? Let's have a menu for people who are avoiding red meat because their wife read a facebook article that said it was bad but THEN tell the customer that you aren't willing to take ANY extra time to make sure that a hunk of sirloin doesn't make it onto his plate. Oh wait, that would be fucking stupid. And here's a big fucking shocker to all of you....BRACE YOURSELF... people who are Gluten Sensitive, can't eat any more Gluten than a Celiac. They have been told by a medical doctor that they can not eat Gluten, so stop calling your menu's Gluten Sensitive and then not ensuring that it is indeed, Gluten Free. Stop it. Now.

The Toad and Turtle calls their menu Gluten Free. Which it isn't. Well, maybe the items themselves are but they aren't willing to take any extra time to prepare it so it remains Gluten Free until you eat it so tough shit on you people who can't eat Gluten. Our Gluten Free Menu isn't for you, as bizarre and stupid as that sounds. Go ahead and leave.

Again, this is not the managers' or the servers' or the cooks' fault. They work their asses off and they only do what they are told. Who knows, maybe the head chef told the manager to turn me away today, maybe. I will never know. The staff was not trained to serve someone who needs to eat Gluten Free food off their Gluten Free menu so I don't want them to come into any shit for this, seriously, don't do it. Just train them, step it up. Do better. Be better.

If you want to have a Gluten Free Menu, my God, I applaud you, I am grateful for you, just don't suck at it.

That was the thorns, now for the roses. I, in general, avoid pubs and would not have wasted my time jaywalking to the Toad and Turtle unless they had advertised a Gluten Free menu. I would have taken a cab over to Earls and eaten there but by the time the 'Eat somewhere else' comment got made, there was no time for me to make an Earls meal happen, much to my regret.

My belly is full of Gluten Free Pizza because on our long arduous journey down Deerfoot Trail during rush hour, I called the only pub I eat at. The Bull and Finch in Bridlewood. They have lots of Gluten Free options but the best is the pizza. I told them on the phone that I had Celiacs, I ordered my pizza and swung by on my way home to grab it. Upon picking it up, I was assured by the bartender (who had a full house by the way), that it was totally Gluten Free and he was kind and fantastic. I have eaten at the Bull and Finch numerous times and have NEVER been burned, which is a feather in their finch, or in the Bull's cap. Do bulls wear caps? Maybe on fancy days like weddings or branding days, who knows. Stop getting off topic!

The Bull and Finch GETS Celiacs, has Gluten Free Food and trains their staff on how to handle it. They had a full house when I picked up my food but had all the time in the world to make sure I knew that the food they advertised as gluten free, was indeed free of gluten. That's why they got my money today, and will continue to get my money for as long as they will take my pain in the ass order because they get it. They get that once you win a customer over, they are yours for life. They also get, that no one is louder and more obnoxious than a pissed off customer.

Take a lesson from the Bull and Finch, Toad and Turtle, do it right, or stay in your lane.

Respectful comments and emails welcome. Feel free to swear, but be assured, personally insulting me for my opinion makes you look like a small minded douche. Arguing with me is fine, however futile....because I'm right.

Annnnnd go....

Poisoned By Fate

2017-07-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

No my dear! This apple is fine! No Gluten here! No poison!
Eat it! Eat it! BITCH, EAT THE APPLE!

I was glutened last week. This may seem like a little thing to you gluten eaters. "Ohhhh okay, so you had a tummy ache Laurie, get over it." Not so much. It's hard to describe the illness that comes with a Celiac accidentally consuming gluten. It's a vicious, nasty, debilitating, emotional experience. It's a poisoning, plain and simple. I don't necessarily wish to relive the event but I think it's important for us to discuss how this all happened.

I have been using the Superstore Click and Collect service for several months and it has been a game changer. You pick all your groceries online and then drive to the store and pick it all up from a swanky parking spot. I freaking love it. It has opened up so much extra time for me, time that I have spent drunk on Pintrest, which I'm sure you agree is vital. In general, the service has been great and the people who work there have been amazing.

We had an incident on Monday though and it was a result of a "Butterfly Effect" type of situation. The Butterfly Effect is a weird movie from 2004 that you think you understand and then you realize that you are stupid. Basically, the theory is that one little thing (the flapping of a butterfly wing) can set off a chain reaction that eventually leads to catastrophe (a hurricane) on the other side of the world. Anyone who has been in a car accident has thought about this theory. If you had left 3 seconds earlier, if you hadn't liked the song on the radio and wasn't singing at the top of your lungs, and further, if the DJ had not been feeling nostalgic that day and not chosen that particular song, if the other driver had remembered to bring a snack for her kids and then they wouldn't have been screaming in the backseat causing her to be distracted. If ANY these things had happened differently, you wouldn't have collided with that woman's minivan on the way home from work.

This glutenizing was kind of like that. I had ordered the gluten free version of the Club House Brown Gravy, which is awesome by the way, and instead, received the NON gluten free version. I made the gravy, ate the gravy and within moments, knew something was wrong. We checked the package and low and behold, not gluten free. FUCK!

So, there was this little window of time I had during which we planned out the next twenty four hours while I was still able to function. Since the spawn are on summer vacation, plans needed to be cancelled, the sheets on the bed were changed because I would now spend all my time there, the dishes were done quickly so husband could focus on me and nothing else for the next seven hours. Heating pads were charged up for the cramps, cold cloths prepared for the splitting headache and the bathroom deemed off limits for the vomiting and ...well...you know. God Bless my husband and our spawn for their extreme support and dedication to me during times like this. I don't like being sick, I get really cranky and weepy and they handle it all with ease and care.

And during all this flurry of activity, I went through my own little butterfly effect list. What if the worker doing the shopping had paid closer attention and why didn't they? Had she just stubbed her toe so she was thinking of the agonizing pain rather than reading the label? And before that, what if the guy who stocked the shelves hadn't been lazy, leaving that box in the middle of the floor so she stubbed her toe? What if I hadn't been on the phone when I went to pick up the order and had noticed when we were loading the groceries into the trunk? What if I had made that phone call later in the day or that when I called, the person had decided to take their dog for a walk and didn't answer? What if I hadn't been chatting with hubby while making dinner and I happened to notice the label? What if he had left work 20 min later so he wasn't home while I was making the gravy and didn't distract me with his charm and good looks?

What if?

Ultimately though, there is no point going through the Butterfly Effect because you can only suck it up. Suck it up hard bitches.

I was sick sick sick for a full 24 hours and then feeling like a hung over bag of shit for two days after that. I try to take a lesson from every glutenizing, and the lesson here is:

A) Having Celiacs fucking sucks

B) Don't trust anyone else to read a label that you should read yourself because they might have just stubbed their toe

C) Read every label, every time.

D) Sometimes fate is not in your favor and that has to be okay

We wrote a letter to Click and Collect and I was shocked to receive a phone call from the store manager Cheryl. She was completely apologetic and really kind about the whole thing. I honestly half expected some sort of, "we can't guarantee...blah blah" bullshit but she took full responsibility for the whole thing. She made it clear that she had dealt with the employee directly and had given retraining on the issue. She even took it a step further and has contacted the Club House company to talk about how similar the two packages look and how hard it might be for anyone to tell them apart when shopping.

Gluten Version

Gluten Free Version

Look at these two packages! Seriously, they couldn't make them more alike if they tried!

Cheryl even discussed the placement of the boxes on the shelves with her team and has moved them around to make it easier to tell them apart. I was blow away and am now a dedicated customer.

So bottom line, poisonings happen bitches...whether it's your fault or another person's fault or the Butterfly Effect of fate at play but it's just a part of having this disease.

It's hard to suck it up but tough shit Celiac....suck it up.

PS A HUGE THANK YOU TO OUR FRIENDS KARIN AND GLENN FOR TAKING MY CHILDREN FOR THE ENTIRE NEXT DAY SO I COULD SLEEP AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF IN PRIVATE. BLESS YOUR HEARTS.

Restaurants Are Terrifying Unless You Have A Tracy!

2017-06-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

A Celiac at a restaurant. She knows she is going to die.

Let me tell you something, come in close now, real close. You listening? Good. EATING AT A RESTAURANT AS A CELIAC IS TERRIFYING. I'm not being dramatic or extreme here...it's fucking terrifying. Alfred Hitchcock level of scary. I know Celiacs that never eat out...ever. It's THAT scary.

You have to put so much trust in so many people. People you don't know, nor particularly like, and you just have to pray. Pray and wish and hope and dream like a Disney Princess waiting for a prince or an education.

You have to trust the waitress and hope they were trained properly, can read, aren't hung over and don't have too many tables so they have the time to listen to your lengthily order and that they aren't fighting with the kitchen so they will tell them about your Celiacs. You have to trust the chefs, that they have heard of Celiacs, and know what in their kitchen contains gluten. You have to trust their trainer who months or years ago taught them what they needed to know about cross contamination and pray that on that day, everyone had their thinking caps on. You have to trust that the hostess controlled the flow of guests and didn't seat twenty tables all at once causing the kitchen to crash and burn in a blinding wall of tickets, leading them to not be able to see, or have time to prepare, your Gluten Free meal. You have to trust the manager, that they treat their staff well, and encourage them to take their time with special orders and double check all meals for quality and accuracy. You have to trust the owners, to adhere to the guidelines and spend the money training everyone about Celiacs. They also have to make sure that the products on their GF mcnu, are indeed Gluten Free and that their suppliers notify them of content changes.

That...is a LOT of trust.

Every once in a while though, I find a gem of a restaurant who gets it. Really, really gets it and it's the most satisfying thing you could imagine. Eating out is such a simple thing for the rest of the world and it's so rare for a Celiac to feel that simplicity.

I got to get that feeling when I visited the Chateau Louis Hotel and Conference Centre for the Gluten Free Festival put on by the Edmonton Chapter of the Canadian Celiac Association. I was invited to be a speaker and I personally, was just excited to get a night away from the spawn and attend the festival. The restaurant was just a massive bonus. The Chateau Louis is this charming hotel close to the Edmonton downtown core. The rooms were clean and the bed was super comfy. After registering and scoping out the vendor fair at the Chateau Louis Convention Centre, we walked back along a covered flowered walkway to the dining room.

I was a little nervous to see that the dining room had a Pasta Buffet that night which for a Celiac is the worst thing ever. However, a lovely server came up to let me know that about eighty percent of the buffet was Celiac friendly. Not just vaguely 'gluten aware' we are talking CELIAC FRIENDLY. That means all the ingredients have been checked, that they have exclusive equipment and are careful with every little step of the food preparation process. This was big news people.

So once we get seated, I decided to order off the menu because there was some seriously awesome stuff on there, even though the buffet looked amazing too. The lovely server's name was Tracy and she wasn't just lovely, she was fantastic. Tracy wasn't just happy and charming, she was super smart and knew everything a server needs to know about Celiacs and eating gluten free. She made great recommendations, she made sure the chefs knew about my meal and made sure I knew that my meal would take a little bit longer because it was being made from scratch. From scratch! She even added, "I hope that's okay."

Uhhhhhh yeah... that's okay. That's awesome! That's amazing! That's the best thing I have heard all day!

I had the mushroom soup and the Shrimp and Scallop Rizotto. It was one of the best meals I have ever had. I was in Celiac heaven.

We couldn't stay after the conference because we can only unload the spawn off on friends for so long because they are kind of annoying, but I totally wish we had! Turns out, the Chateau Louis has a completely Gluten Free Prime Rib Buffet on Saturday nights! Wow! I was so sad to miss it but might just make a plan to go back to Edmonton JUST to eat there.

Thank you Chateau Louis Hotel and Conference Centre for a wonderful stay. Thank you Tracy for being so smart and charming. Thank you Chefs for taking the time I know you don't have to feed us Celiacs.

Thank you to the Canadian Celiac Association Edmonton Chapter for inviting me to speak at the Gluten Free Festival. I had an amazing time.

Make sure you make the Chateau Louis a stop when you visit Edmonton, you will be as gleefully happy as I was.

Here is a few clips of my talk where I delve into the horror that is, restaurants for Celiacs.

Laughter and Love at the Edmonton Gluten Free Festival

2017-06-11T10:56:00.002-07:00

I have no idea what I am saying here, but I guarantee that it was more funny than informative

WOW! I am still reeling from the fantastic weekend I just had. I had the privilege of attending the Canadian Celiac Association's Gluten Free Festival put on by their Edmonton Chapter. For those of you who are not from Alberta, you need to know something. Calgary and Edmonton have not always gotten along.We are technically sister cities and like sisters, we bicker, are often jealous and constantly vie for attention from our parents (two yuppy hippy types on the other side of the country named Trudeau). Calgary thinks that Edmonton is all hoity-toity because they are the Capital of our province. Edmonton feels that Calgary is all hoity-toity because they have the Stampede. And then there's the hockey thing. UGH the hockey thing! The battle never ends. For years, the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers have battled for top spot in the NHL and as you can imagine, we take hockey seriously....very seriously.

But of course, I jumped at the chance to speak and be the comic relief at the festival. To be honest, my heart stopped a little when I saw my name listed among the other speakers. There were Doctors and experts and then little old me with a bio that described me as a 'below average wife to the most patient man in the world'. The contrast was equally concerning and entertaining. At the end of the jam packed day though, I had learned a lot, made some new friends, and got to ramble like a drunk asshole into a mic for forty five minutes and make people laugh (except for the man in the red shirt who just sat there with his arms crossed, lip tight and scowling the whole time - I know you were laughing on the inside pal....I know it). I also got to eat like a Gluten Free Queen.

As the president of the Canadian Celiac Association, Anne Wagget stated, for us Celiacs, it's all about the food. Ohhhhh the food. I was giddy about the food. First of all, it was on a buffet, which normally makes us Celiacs pop Atavan like Pez to ease our anxiety. But this time, we could eat everything. EVERYTHING. For those of you who get to eat a buffets all the time, number one, you're an asshole for showing off, second, know that Celiacs don't like to touch buffets for a lot of reasons.

First, it's rare to see the ingredients listed on a buffet, making anything with a sauce or a spice, or cooked for that matter, off limits. Second, even if there is something that you are fairly sure you can have, the possibility of some jerkoff who was ahead of you in line swapping out the tongs is huge. Seriously gluten eaters, just use the spoon provided for that item. If someone else is using it, just fucking wait for the serving utensil. If you can't wait seventeen seconds to put a damn tater tot on your plate causing you to grab at the fruit tongs and subsequently cross contaminate all the fruit so I can't eat it, you have big problems my dear, big problems. Stop screwing with the system and use the tongs provided you lazy ass.

But at the Gluten Free Festival, we could eat the entire thing. There was no fear of cross contamination, or improper handling of our food, we could just, relax and eat. For breakfast there was sausage, bacon, fruit, eggs, pancakes and toast. TOAST! Fucking TOAST! I almost lost my mind. I looked at my husband and said "I am eating toast from a buffet table." I'm not ashamed to admit that my voice cracked with emotion as I said it. I was amazed at how calm we all were about the whole thing. Everyone showed massive restraint. I was half expecting someone to just jump up on the table and go savage on that tray of toast. I can just picture some lady (okay, it's me), squatting on the table like a gorilla, fisting handfuls of toast into her mouth, chunks of Kinnikinnick bread flying around and crumbs stuck in her mascara. Lunch was sandwiches (SANDWICHES!) and salad. There was no worries about the dressing or the mayo or the deli meat. The relief of this, to me, was palpable.

On breaks, we could peruse the vendor fair which was an amazing display of awesomeness.

There was:
Arbonne NuPasta Stellas
Blue Kettle Specialty Foods Only Oats U of A Research
Celebrate Gluten Free PastyPie
Dr. Schar Rio Vida Bakery
Epicure Screamin' Brothers
Hair of Rachel Simply Delish Soup and Salad
Heart to Home Meals Snyder's of Hanover
Monat Global Sobeys

AND OF COURSE....EDMONTON'S OWN KINNIKINNICK

As far as friends go, hanging around with a big bunch of Celiacs was some kind of wonderful. We had conversations that would make regular people cringe. Within moments of meeting someone, we were talking about common symptoms, including terms like 'loose stools'. It was kind of fantastic, not to you, gluten eater, but to a Celiac who often doesn't hang out with other Celiacs, this was wicked fun. There were so many inside jokes, and common stories, I was in Celiac heaven.

When it was my turn to talk, I wasn't even nervous because suddenly, I was just talking to a bunch of friends about the one thing we all share. They laughed a lot at my stuff, (red shirt guy) which was nice of them, and we all had a great day. I was filled with warm fuzzies and glowing happiness. After I was done, the co-chair of the event, Don Briggs came up and presented me with a thank you card. In true Alberta form, and to remind me that sisters only get along in short bursts, Don tucked an Edmonton Oilers key chain in my card. Funny shit. Fuuuuunnnny shit. Celiacs crack me up.

Note to Calgarians, I WILL be using this key-chain and will NOT be putting up with any sass

I'll be posting again shortly about all the amazing factoid stuff I learned and I'll be talking about the hotel and their amazingness. In the meantime, here is couple of little clips of my talk. If you want to see more, you can go to the next Canadian Celiac Association Conference and hopefully, I will be asked to speak again! That, or they will block my email and pretend they never met me.

With Laurie Lyons, honestly, it could go either way.

2017-05-27T07:00:00.002-07:00

ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL THE EDMONTON GLUTEN FREE FESTIVAL!

I will be there doing a nice long rant about my misadventures with Celiac Disease. Get your tickets now!

An Epicure For All That Ails Your Dinner

2017-04-09T08:49:00.001-07:00

I talk a lot about Celiac baking. Mainly because I have a rabid addiction to sugar. I don't talk as much about Celiac cooking. Why? Well, I don't hate cooking if that's what you are thinking. I don't hate it like I hate Nickelback or aphids, but, most days, cooking is not my favorite past time. "Time" being the key word here. I never have enough time. I enjoy cooking on Sunday's when I have the whole day to defrost, prep and create. I do not enjoy the panicked rush of throwing something together at 4:30pm while the kids are hangry, the house is a mess, and the dog wants to play. Having Celiac disease takes a lot of convenience foods off the table, literally. I remember with wistful nostalgia, throwing together a hamburger helper or tossing a can of cream of mushroom soup on some chicken and having a perfectly good meal thirty minutes later. No such luck these days. Want to just bake up a frozen lasagna? Your Celiac Disease laughs at your misfortune. The majority of pre-packaged, pre-made meals at the grocery store contain an astounding amount of the evil gluten.

This leaves me stuck for finding ways to avoid dinners that are flavorless, boring, repetitions of yesterday. Wanna know what I figured out because I am wicked smart and lazy?

Epicure.

Yup, Epicure. Those little octagon (hexagon? I don't know, I'll count them later) shaped jars in pantries with cute little labels. If you are a female and over the age of twenty, you have been invited to an Epicure party. You have also been invited to a tupperware party, a candle party, a jewelry party and a sex toy party. If you haven't been invited to these things, you're a loser, but a lucky one I assure you. Most of these parties feature a bright-eyed, over caffeinated, stay-at-home mom who is desperately trying to break out of the endless monotony of repeating herself a thousand times a day and picking lego pieces out from between her toes. Most products at these parties are over priced and wildly unnecessary. But hey, if you've got an extra eighty bucks and a desire for bamboo infused under-eye gel, have at it.

At these parties, I usually just drink all the wine, don't buy anything, and pinkie swear that I'll call to book my own party with no intention of doing so. Hostess gifts can suck it.

But when I attended an Epicure party, I perked right up when I heard "It's all Gluten Free".

Oh you heard me. Every single thing that Epicure sells is Gluten Free. Now, those of you that don't have Celiac Disease may say, "Uhhhh Laurie, it's just spices, spices aren't made with flour dummy!" To which I say, "Read some labels you illiterate, know-it-all dick." A LOT of spices on the spice rack say "may contain wheat." Why? Well because these companies make more than just that one product and they make them all on the same machinery, so there is a chance of cross contamination. So the company has to put "may contain" on it. May contain means no food for your Celiac belly.

But Epicure has made everything Gluten Free which makes me deliriously happy. They have tonnes of different spice combos like Pasta and Thai that you can just add to your pot to make it seem like you spent hours mixing and infusing flavors like a real grown up.

My favorite items are a constant presence in my pantry and they make the ominous, end of day dinner hour far easier. Don't get me wrong, the house is still a mess, the kids are still fighting and I'm still a crazy, swearing, harpy, but at least dinner is done and it tastes good.

Here are a list of my fave Epicure items. Click HERE to shop for them and other cool stuff.

Poultry (just throw on the chicken and bake)

Herb and Garlic (we put this shit on everything, eggs, chicken, soups, fish)

Lemon Dilly (fish, chicken, lemon pasta or mix with mayo and sour cream for a dip)

Pasta (self explanatory)

The broth mixes (beef and chicken)

Pulled Pork (comes in a pouch, throw it in the slow cooker in the morning and be done)

Mac and Cheese (made it with gf pasta for the family, ate it all myself out of the pot like a savage)

Pumpkin (for pies and pumpkin bread)

Taco (so good and cheaper than the little packages)

They have recipes on their website to help you whip up everything from Curry to Pad Thai and it's all really great. A fave in our house is the Lemon Dilly Chicken recipe.

Small side note, Epicure has also reduced the amount of salt in all their products. This is great if you are trying to cut salt from your diet, but I am slowly trying to murder my husband for the insurance money, so I always add salt to the dishes.

So, check out Epicure. Find someone near you who sells it and get shopping. You don't necessarily have to host a party, I don't think,you just have to find a representative.WARNING: they may try to pressure you into hosting a party by using Salem Witch Trial torture tactics. Stay strong sister, stay strong.

I do not sell it, I just eat it, so don't bug me for stuff. Just get it, eat it, and make your dinner time less like a war zone and more like a..... well.... a smaller war zone.

PS

SUPER off topic squirrel moment here. My friend Kris sent me a video of a Basset Hound farting because he thought I would find it funny and it seemed like a caption that one might find on my blog. I could not agree more. However, I, although a good writer, could not find a way to incorporate a video of a farting Basset Hound into a blog. So I'm just putting it HERE for shits and giggles.

2017-04-01T09:09:00.002-07:00

I WILL BE DOING A TALK (AKA RANT) AT THE EDMONTON GLUTEN FREE FESTIVAL ON JUNE 10TH. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!

Cookie Cookie Cookie Starts with...Guar Gum

2017-03-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ohhhhhh Cookie Monster. You strangely flaccid blue rug with a face. Despite ONLY eating cookies for over forty years, you haven't gained a pound of fluffiness. How is that? It might be because you don't actually EAT the cookies, you just crush them up and throw them around like confetti. A practice that must make the other residents of Sesame Street super happy. I wonder if your little three fingered, fuzzy, lobster claw-like hands can hold a dust pan? I doubt it. They all must LOVE cleaning up after your bullshit behavior. Are those cookies you are throwing all over the place Gluten Free? For some reason, I think not.

As many of you know from previous posts, I have failed many times at gluten free baking. And when I say many, I mean thousands of times. Thousands of horrific, disfigured, disgusting creations have come out of my oven and I have made my husband eat every single one of them. GF baking is not for the weak. It is a practice in patience that requires the tenacity of a hyena fighting over a dead carcass. And yes, some of my baking has looked like a dead gazelle carcass.

I have given up on making gluten free bread, buns and pretzels. I have passed those achievements onto far more astute and talented bakers and simply purchase them from the store. I suggest you do the same unless you want to become the shell of a human I am.

I have though, mastered the Gluten Free Cookie. I can make GF cookies like a boss. People usually don't know that my cookies are gluten free and my friends with Celiacs often ask for the recipes. Due to my long rap sheet and many poor decisions, there isn't much I'm proud of in my life, but I am proud of my Gluten Free cookies.

How did I do it? Well by failing several times of course and not giving up. My success is evidence to my Irish stubbornness, not due to any level of talent on my part. I have developed some hard and fast rules with my cookies and I have decided to share them with you because I'm a nice guy.

Rules for GF Cookies:

1) Use a good flour. The paler the better. I don't use any flours that have darker products mixed in, like flax or buckwheat flour. These are good for cooking or frying but I don't like them for baking. I use Robin Hood GF Flour or President's Choice Gluten free flour. Any flour you choose should be able to be swapped cup for cup. Measure your flour carefully, don't just scoop the measuring cup into the bag, this packs the flour down and makes it so you get too much. Use a spoon and ladle the flour into the measuring cup so the measurement is accurate. With most of the flours on the market these days, you can make any cookie recipe from your mom's old, yellowed, recipe box and just swap out the flour.

2) Add Guar Gum. About one or two teaspoons per recipe. If your cookies come out flat, add another teaspoon next time. Guar Gum is cheaper than Xanthum Gum and they do the same thing. Some people say that they can tell the difference between the two but I think they a crazy people. EVEN IF the flour says it has Xanthum or Guar Gum in it, add a teaspoon.

3) Rolled cookies are a pain in the ass. This has been one of the hardest things to master for me. GF cookie dough is always a little more wet than regular dough so no matter how much flour you use, they will stick to the counter and be impossible to cut out and lift. The secret? Parchment paper and corn starch. I tape the parchment paper to my counter, cover it with cornstarch, put the dough on, sprinkle that with more corn starch and another piece of parchment paper, then I roll it out. This works great. You can also use plastic wrap but I find that it can leave those weird seams and lines in the dough. I use corn starch because GF flour is so expensive and it feels wasteful to just throw it around. If you are a Rockefeller, feel free to use as much GF flour as you like. For the rest of us peasants, corn starch is the way to go.

4) The cookie trays can be a challenge. If you are like me, you have your Mom's old cookie trays from 1960 which are probably made of lead and thalidomide so they have had a LOT of gluten on them. Plus, these jerks I live with that call themselves my family, don't have Celiacs so they sometimes use the cookie trays for their poisonous food, like chicken fingers. Losers. Anyway, line your cookie trays with parchment paper too, this prevents cross contamination and stops the cookies from sticking. I have used tin foil before and just sprayed it with non stick spray but sometimes the stupid gluten free cookies still stick and the tin foil heats up too much and causes the cookies to burn faster. So use parchment paper, it usually just comes in a roll and I buy parchment paper at the loonie store. Use something sharp to trim the parchment to the cookie sheet, a knife or samurai sword works fine.

5) GF cookies should take the maximum amount of cooking time listed on the recipe. So if the recipe says 8-10 min, it will take 10, maybe even twelve. BUT, and here is the kicker, they burn SO FAST so watch your oven carefully. Don't leave the kitchen to build a snowman or give a presentation on the theory of relativity while you have cookies in the oven. If the recipe says 8-10 minutes, I start watching them at 8, like a hawk.

Here's the thing, you could follow all my rules and still have a result that looks like a Chernobyl experiment. I give no guarantees so don't write me hate mail when your Grandma's recipe for Snickerdoodles didn't work out. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the Gluten Free Gods did not smile on you that day and you produce bullshit. Sorry, you have Celiac Disease, suck it up, throw some icing on that shit and eat them all up anyway. I can't fix fate.

So, to my Cookie Monster, you messy, googly-eyed, sweet, puppet. I love you, I do. I would love to make you some GF cookies one day because, let me tell you, you simple-minded, sixties shag rug with arms, you wouldn't throw my cookies around pal. You would ACTUALLY eat them, because they are delicious!

You can find my recipes for GF Chocolate Chip Cookies and Sugar Cookies in the recipe section on this site.

Happy Baking!

Someone Is Going To Give Me A Microphone!

2017-02-18T06:49:00.002-08:00

That's right, someone is going to give me a microphone and free reign!

I am excited and honored to be asked to speak at the Edmonton Gluten Free Festival on June 10! I'll be ranting and raving with some other amazing speakers, all of which will be far more informative and educated than I.

The festival has amazing vendors and promises to be a fantastic event.

Get your tickets HERE. Tickets include a Gluten Free Breakfast and Lunch plus access to all speakers and vendors. Remember to register early as space is limited!

A Celiac at Sandos

2016-12-29T14:02:00.001-08:00

This year was a family Mexican Christmas year. It's the year that I throw my hands up, yell 'fuck it' and go to Mexico for Christmas. We love it, we really do. I love that every second year, someone else fusses over me for a change while the kids swim in pools and someone makes my bed for me. I usually book a smaller resort with little or no buffets and a way for me to speak to the chef and the staff get to know me. This time, we tried something a little different. We decided to step out of the box and visit the large, adventure filled Sandos Eco Caracol resort near Playa Del Carmen. This was a really cool resort with Cenotes, wild monkeys, Mayan ruins and lots of great service and warm sun by the pool. I loved the experience of it.

The food? Not so much.

As far as the Celiac friendly factor, it wasn't good. Basically, I was really hungry for most of the time.

When I booked the resort, I contacted them and the concierge wrote me back to tell me that they could certainly accommodate my disease and all I had to do was to talk to the concierge upon arrival and get a letter to notify the chef of my allergy and all would be well.

Once checked in, I headed over to the concierge to speak with Noe who was very helpful in composing my letter. So, letter in hand, I head off to eat.

International Buffet - This is where I found myself our first night because we arrived so late. I tried to show the letter to one of the chefs behind the buffet line to no avail. He kind of read it, handed it back to me and shrugged. Okay...so...moving on. I had a bunch of fruit and cheese but couldn't get anything hot because I had no idea what was in anything else. The nice thing about this buffet is that there is a bread table off to the side so your chances of cross contamination from bread is low. However, I couldn't even try the rice or potatoes because I had no idea what was on it and apparently, the cooks didn't either. I think all the food is prepared way in advance or comes from a package so the chef doesn't know what has gluten and what doesn't.

I had to eat breakfast and lunch at the buffets because there isn't anything else open and I had no choice. The a la cartes are only for dinner which was rough. Like....rough. I struggled throughout the day as I watched my family eat burgers and tacos and pizza and pasta all day and complain about how full they were and how much weight they gained. Me? Nope. This is the first vacation where I have lost weight. Here's what I ate and found to be safe at the international buffet:

Breakfast: Fruit, yogurt, cheese, coffee, milk and a mimosa (because...mimosa) -

I also sometimes had the scrambled eggs BUT some days I couldn't because there are two bowls of scrambled eggs, one with sausage and one without and the cooks often only put one spoon out for both thus contaminating the plain scrambled eggs. They also had five minute eggs in the shell but they were certainly LESS than five minutes most days and the gelatinous whites gave me the willies. They have omelets everyday too BUT you can get it put in a flour tortilla, a flour tortilla that they put on the grill and use their spatula to lift and move it so that was a bust too.

Lunch: Fruit, raw veggies and cheese. See the pattern?

There were taco bars and lots of different things but when I asked a server if they were corn or flour tortillas they always said "both". Both is bad, both means cross contamination. Both means I run a risk of ruining the trip for myself and for the rest of my family.

I'm not going to lie here, breakfast and lunch sucked. More than once, I blinked back some tears watching everyone else enjoy their meals. It was rough.

On day three, we had the worst of it all. We decided to try the italian buffet for lunch, I only ate raw veggies anyway so the kids might as well get some pasta. Big mistake....huge. We sit down but again, there is no one to give my letter to so I grab my plate and head off to the salad bar. I load up my plate with my regulars, cheese, lettuce, beets, carrots etc. On the salad bar was some steamed green beans and so I threw some of those on too, head back to the table, don't look at the piles of italian goodness on my family plates and dig in. Two bites in, my heart stops. There is a piece of spagetti on my plate. A PIECE OF SPAGHETTI! I'm dead.

I look up at Trevor and my lip begins to quiver. This is it, I have planned this trip for almost a year, painstakenly chosen this resort from thousands of others. The weeks of lists and packing and preparations are all gone. Poof, just like that, it's over. Trevor's face darkens as he looks at my plate and he immediately jumps up and darts back to the buffet to check each item. Meanwhile, I am trying not to have a panic attack but my mind is reeling. Should I go force myself to throw up? How long do I have before it hits? Can I get back to the room before the pain starts or will Trev have to carry me part of the way? How embarrassing will that be? Could I just lay by the pool in pain? No, I'm too far from the bathroom. Will I get the rash too this time because I'm in the heat? Did I bring the cream I need for that? How are the kids going to sleep if I'm up all night sobbing in pain. What the FUCK am I going to DO?

Then I look over and the kids are both looking at me. The fear in their eyes cut me to the core. Here we are, on a family vacation that's supposed to be a no worries situation for two kids who are nothing but great kids. They get good grades, they are polite and kind and this was their reward and here I am, ruining it. They are worried about me, panicked really and that sucked. Trev comes back and says "It's the green beans, they were clearly cooked in pasta water." I hadn't eaten a green bean yet but the green beans were all mixed in with everything else so I had no idea. I insisted that we move on with our day and not worry anymore about it but who am I kidding, we spent the next three hours in terror, waiting. But, miraculously, I was okay. Just...starving so I was looking forward to the a la carte that night for dinner.

Snack Bar - There is a 24 hour snack bar at this resort which I think is brilliant. The kids loved it. BUT it was never stocked. It was so frustrating because the buffets close for a couple hours in the afternoon and this snack bar is the only thing open and then it doesn't have any food! Here is what I can eat there...nothing....nothing. Well...not nothing. I would eat the fruit in the mornings before it got cross contaminated. You could also eat the chips because they are lays but be careful because they are right beside the buns and I busted a couple people dropping a bun on the chip pile by accident or using the chip tongs for the buns. You know what I did? When I got really hungry? Like...night of the living dead hungry? I would reach down with my hand and dig some out of the bottom of the bowl....like a savage. You can also have the individually wrapped cheese slices there. I brought gluten free crackers from home so one day, I ate cheese and crackers for lunch. DON'T eat the veggies because they are burger toppings and they have bread crumbs all over them.

A La Cartes:

Brazillian - This is one of those 'meat on swords' places that has all the side dishes lined up buffet style. It was awesome. This was the only place that I got to speak to the chef. This was the place that 'got it'. We showed the letter to the server who then took it to the chef. The server then came back to get me and the chef walked me down the buffet to tell me what I could or could not have. It was awesome. I could have any of the meats except for the sausage and the food there was delicious.

Japanese: This one was great too. It was one of those places where you all sit around the grill and the chef performs for you. It was awesome. The letter again was given to our server and she handled the whole thing. The chef made my food first on the super hot grill, dished it out, then poured soya sauce over everything else to serve the table. My protein was made in the back by a separate chef and was just plain chicken. That was okay though. It was a good meal.

Steak House: This one was just okay. They took the letter no problem. We ate there the day of the green beans so I had LITERALLY not eaten that day so when they put those lamb chops in front of me, I went at them like an angry lioness. Trev said they were actually horrible and overdone, honestly, I didn't notice. My plate also only had raw veggies and the plain meat. Trev's lamb chops had a sauce, cooked veg and mashed potatoes.

Italian: We went back here for the a la carte dinner because I have had good experiences at the Italian place at other resorts. This was by far the worst meal. I gave the hostess the letter and a manager came to talk to me. I originally thought I would have a beef meal but decided on shrimp risotto instead. I have always been able to have risotto and was excited about it. I so wish I had taken a picture of my plate because it was honestly, kind of funny. It was a pile of plain white rice with four tiny cold shrimp around it. I'm not kidding. It was sad.

And here's the thing. I appreciate the chefs making my food specially for me. I really really do and at the end of the day, I didn't get sick, not once. However, I think the problem is the chefs at the Sandos Caracol don't actually KNOW what gluten is so they just took everything out. Everything everything. This resulted in terribly bland, tough to enjoy meal. The Sandos team has to train these guys because I think they are all great chefs, I just don't think they understand that just because I can't have flour, doesn't mean I can't have anything else. It's like someone reporting their peanut allergy and being served water only. Why?

I also met a lady who was in the "Royal" section of the resort and her son had Celiacs. Now, she had a VERY different experience than I did. She had the manager calling her to see where she was eating that night so they could prepare for her, she talked to the chef at every single place, and felt very comfortable with her experience. I really, really hope that this was just luck and NOT that because she was in a higher level room than me that they took her allergy more seriously. I really hope that the level of room has nothing to do with the level of my safety.

This is an eco resort that I think is trying to appeal to a healthier, more broad minded individual and I think they are going to have to step up their food game if that's the case. Almost every item on the buffet has a little label above it, why not throw a 'gluten free' symbol on there if it applies? Put a Gluten free symbol on your menu items that apply. You could do 'lactose free' or 'peanut free' for those that need it. Then the line chefs don't have to worry about knowing every ingredient or being asked questions about something called 'gluten' in another language by a starving, annoying chick from Canada.

I'm sure there are lots of sauces and sides that I COULD have eaten at the Sandos Caracol but the chefs didn't know which ones, either because they didn't prepare them or because they came from a package that has since been thrown out. I don't know what it is but it should really get fixed because at this point, I would book back there in a heartbeat if I knew I would be able to eat there.

Overall though, we had an amazing vacation. The resort is beautiful and a great deal of fun. The poor food was overshadowed by the fantastic service and gorgeous environment.

All About Elle

2016-09-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

I am not posting as often as I normally would. No, I didn't start a cult, join Trump's election team or move to New Zealand to learn the Hakka.

I've been doing, you know, life. We had a busy fun summer, we got a puppy, who is currently trying to chew my fingers while I write this, oh, yeah, and I wrote a book. Well, I finished a book that I have been writing for two years and, just like Justin Beiber always says, books are hard. It should be out in the next few weeks so I apologize for the delay in posting.

Honestly, I wasn't going to post today but something has come up and we need to talk about it.

I need to tell you about Elle.

Elle's mom Jenn and I are sorority sisters which means that we've known each other since the Cretaceous period. Elle is eleven years old, she is bright, and funny and a good friend. Elle likes to dance, camp and roll her eyes at her mom every once in a while, just to remind Jenn that she is raising a tween girl.

Elle was diagnosed with Celiacs a little over two years ago.

Since then, Jenn has completely embraced this new life for Elle and the rest of the family. They still go camping and zip-lining and Elle never misses a dance recital. But it hasn't been easy. Finding foods that Elle can eat at friends houses and family events is always a challenge for any mom of a Celiac. Jenn, however, has taken it all in stride and has always done a great job of making sure that Elle's Celiacs is just a blip on the radar and not a big deal. Which is important for kids.

However, Jenn has run into a major problem this week and I just need to share the issue. Elle started Junior High. Ugh right? Junior High. The apex of awkwardness, judgement and general misery in our lives. Junior High is hard. The kids are still kids but they want to be independent. They are figuring out their own uniqueness while trying desperately to fit in and avoid being the target of the mean girls.

Being a Celiac in Junior High must be tough. Not all kids would understand your disease and wouldn't really care enough to learn. Plus, it's not like it's a comfortable disease to talk about with a bunch of awkward tweens. What young girl wants to discuss her colon or small intestine with new friends. Brutal right?

Along with the regular classes kids take in Junior High, there is the added bonus of the options classes. These are different for all schools but in general include things like; drama, art, robotics, sewing, and woodworking. My own woodworking class was a complete disaster and my teacher told me never to work with power tools again. A rule I have stuck to fastidiously to this day. There is also the cooking class, where you learn all about how not to die of starvation after your parents kick you out of the house.

Of course, for Elle, this poses a challenge. There are a great deal of ingredients that she can't eat and some she shouldn't really even handle. I have stopped making things with wheat flour for my family because I often feel a little ill even if I wear gloves.

So Jenn decided to make it a little easier on her girl. Not in a Beverly Goldberg smother mother type of way, but in a reasonable, logical way. She contacted the teacher of the cooking class and advised her that Jenn would provide Gluten Free ingredients for Elle. She would also supply all the tools needed to complete each recipe. Since the kids work in groups, Jenn offered to provide enough GF products and tools for Elle's ENTIRE GROUP. This way, Elle could fully participate in all the activities and get to eat the finished masterpiece. Totally reasonable right?

Brace yourself.....the teacher said no.

No.

No, that she wasn't willing to adjust her plans at all to accommodate Elle's needs.

I can't even...

This isn't some crazy mom who says her kid has a fear of chocolate (a condition called xocolatophobia I have recently learned) and insisting that no one has chocolate in the entire school. This is a Mom of a kid, WITH A DISEASE, that is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure her kid gets all the same experiences that the other kids do. She isn't expecting the school to do anything at all, they don't have to spend their budget, they don't have to hire new people, they don't even have to even tell the other kids really.

They just have to allow it.

And they won't.

I am so angry about this situation, my blood is boiling. Our society is often struggling to find the balance between accommodations and over compensation. If one person needs something, does the rest of the world have to adjust? I say yes, within reason of course. If the person's accommodations effect the rest of the population in a negative way, then we need to find a different way. But if that person's accommodations make no difference or indeed, improve the life of those around them, then it should happen.

Why? Because we are human. We are part of a rich tapestry of different humans all living together in this world. We are each unique and it is that uniqueness that makes our world the amazing place it is. When we embrace our differences, and open our hearts and minds to the individuality of others, we become better people.

Wouldn't that be a nice thing for Elle's grade seven class to learn this year? Wouldn't it be lovely if they were taught inclusion, patience and tolerance for other's accommodations. Wouldn't it be delightful if they learned that we can all be different and still be friends?

Wouldn't it be nice if Elle's classmates learned a little humanity on the side of their main dish? A touch of tolerance added to their cooking class curriculum certainly couldn't hurt. Plus, some of them might even learn a bit about cooking Gluten Free, which again, doesn't hurt.

So, if Elle's cooking teacher is reading this. I'm so sorry that you don't value her enough to make a few changes to your teaching plan. I'm so sorry that you don't see how important it is for her to feel like a part of the group or, more importantly, to show the rest of the class how important she is, and therefore, they each are. I am really hoping you are refusing to accommodate her based on a lack of education, not because you are being lazy. Please, please tell me that Elle has to suffer because you are lazy. I would love to talk to you and educate you on the disease that Elle and I share and how it is nothing to be afraid of, it's nothing to shy away from and it's certainly more common than you think. I encourage you to rethink your stance on this, because it is a brilliant opportunity for you to teach more than just cooking.

I know Elle is going to be great at Junior High, if she's anything like her mom, she going to kick ass, take names and smile a whole lot. It would be great if her school could make it a little easier for her but if they choose not to? That's their loss, not Elle's.

Elle knows she is amazing, she doesn't need her cooking teacher to be kind to her to know that.

I Need to Write This Down... Got a Penne?

2016-04-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Let's talk pasta.

Okay, so the Gluten Free pasta situation isn't too horrible. In the big scheme of GF options, there are A LOT of GF pastas. I have a few favorites mainly because of their texture and ability to stay together when boiled. I find that all rice flour pasta turns to a mush when cooked. Rice pasta always looks and tastes like what I imagine people in futuristic, space prisons would have to eat. It would come out of a robot's arm, a sassy robot that says things like, "If you don't like it pumpkin, you can file a complaint when you get back to you cell." Then she would bark out an unnerving robotic laugh that gives you the shivers.

Rice Flour Pasta is no good.

Oh, and while we are on the subject of sassy robots, this blog is my opinion, based on my own experiences and facts that I believe to be true. Don't send me a bunch of emails telling me how I MUST be cooking rice pasta wrong for it to turn to the consistency of dog diarrhea. I am not cooking it wrong, I don't like it. Get over that. You will never convince me that I SHOULD like it. Plus, unless you hand make rice flour pasta all day long, you really have no personal stake in this matter so don't waste your time. If you DO make gluten free rice flour pasta all day, I am sorry for belittling your work but it sucks.

I have some seriously great options for GF Pasta.

Barilla GF Pasta

Catelli GF Pasta

President's Choice GF Pasta

Now, I don't enjoy spaghetti as a gluten free option. I find that it's tough to get a really great texture from it. We work with the penne and the fusili options (tube noodles and twisties respectively for those of you under twenty or just feel like you are). These boxes aren't very big so it's usually a box and a half if I am feeding the family. They run about three bucks but will often go on sale for two fifty each. I use them for all our pasta needs including a pasta salad that is to die for. Word of caution though, it doesn't keep well, it gets dry and crunchy if you try to eat it the next day so make all dishes right before your family starts foaming at the mouth for dinner.

I have missed stuffed pasta though and it has never been a possibility for me, other than making it myself which appeals to me as much as sharing a bed with a wolverine. Not THE Wolverine, Hugh Jackman can snuggle in with me anytime, I mean a crazy ass, blood thirsty rodent of unusual size.

This is an actual Wolverine...uh...no thanks.

So no, I'm not making my own gluten free fresh pasta. Fuck you. Don't send me a recipe. Stop now. I can feel you hunting Pintrest for some sped up video to send me which I will inevitably get drunk and think that I can make. It will cost me eight thousand dollars in ingredients and Italian pasta makers and I will end up with the futuristic robot slop of my nightmares. Then I will cry and it will all be your fault so don't.

You know what you can send me?

THIS!

Like a party in your mouth and no one else is invited!

This is President's Choice fresh Gluten Free Pasta. I stumbled upon it when Superstore sent me 'offers' on my loyalty card. In general, I think loyalty cards are just a hyper creepy way of the big companies to track my spending and eventually take over my brain so I buy twelve hundred dollars worth of tampons in a day. However, the PC Points card is actually kind of cool and one day it notified me that I could get fifteen hundred points for buying PC Gluten Free Fresh Pasta. It's in the deli section and it ain't cheap at around eight bucks per order. One package could most likely feed two people but I wasn't sharing that shit with anyone. If Mother Theresa wanted a delicious tortellini out of my bowl, I would be hard pressed to share. So basically, the kids had no shot.

It was easy to cook, keep an eye on it because it cooks pretty quickly, about four minutes or so. I just mixed mine with some butter (mmmmmm butter) and some pre-made pesto sauce.

This is it cooking. I never got a finished product shot because I was too busy eating. I'm selfish like that.

I was really good....like really really good.

I'm sure to anyone who has had glutened fresh pasta in the last four years, you might not think so but to me? It was AH-MAZING. I ate until I burst and then I ate some more until I felt like I couldn't put my arms down because I was so full of tortellini.

It was a powerful moment.

So that's my take on pasta, the Gluten Free version of it anyway. Remember, if you are cooking for a Celiac, you have to wash your pasta pot within an inch of it's life and make sure that you do the same with all your cooking utensils and plates. Don't stir your regular pasta and then use the same spoon to stir theirs. Separate and conquer or I will put you in my prison of the future with my sassy robot lunch lady. Who, now that I think about it, is basically just a lame version of Rosie the robot from the Jetsons but she'd be super scary if she was in a space prison no?

I googled 'Rosie the Robot Cooking' for a finale image but the only pictures that came up were of her cleaning or making martinis so maybe she won't be a slop dispensing asshole of the future. Maybe she'll be kind of awesome.

Enjoy your pasta responsibly.

F*#k You Pretzels

2016-02-21T19:40:00.001-08:00

I was on the ball today. Yeah. That's right. I had my shit TOGETHER for the first time in...well... what, six, seven years? It was one of those days that everything clicked. I was sick all week and the antibiotics finally kicked in so I had tonnes of energy, did yoga, hiked with my daughter, visited with friends, organized a drawer, dinner was good and everyone ate it, I am totally prepped for a week of work, lunches made. I was ON. THE. BALL today. So, what did I do about that?

Of course, I ruined it.

I, in my infinite wisdom, thought that I should look at Pintrest.

Word to the wise.... DON'T and I mean DON'T ever look at Pintrest on a Sunday night when you feel like you have your shit together because it will ruin your life. Literally. Look at Pintrest when you already feel like shit about yourself. Look at it when your kids are in the hospital because you accidentally ran them over with your range rover. Look at Pintrest when you are already failing at life. That way you won't be tempted to try anything on there because you know it would be impossible.

While riding the high of organization and an empty hamper, I made the fatal mistake of looking at Pintrest.

And I found THIS Pin. Now, let me just make it clear that other recipes that I have done from this site have totally worked for me and I'm sure someone else would be able to make Gluten Free pretzels. They rock. I suck. That's the bottom line.

I should have known better but did you see the pictures on there? GAWD! Those soft, stretchy, golden brown pretzels? How great do they look?

So I did it. I royally fucked up the pretzels and now, my friends, grab a glass of wine or a pipe of crack or whatever you need and enjoy my utter, dismal, failure that is....Fuck you Pretzels.

I need to make it clear to you that I can bake. I am an exceptionally good baker. Really really good. I will never be a physicist or fully understand how a gas pump works but I can... bake.

Except for today, today I accomplished the equivalent of wearing a Kanye Yeezy outfit to Parent Teacher Interviews. I shit the bed.

I followed the recipe perfectly but I rarely use my yeast anymore. Look where it was in the pantry, hiding behind the lost, dejected can of beef stock. Poor little bastard.

Now, stop your hen clucking. The yeast was still active. I checked. So don't blame this failure on the yeast. It was fine. Trust me. Like I said. I can bake.

So, I begin the process of following the recipe. I wake up the yeast and I cut in the butter then I mix everything together and at this point, I have to admit, I suspected that everything was going badly. The texture of the dough was 'off' and by off, I mean, it felt like that weird dirt on a baseball diamond. Yeah. Yummy right?

Not good. Not good at all. Note wine glass in background.

I didn't give up though! Would you? Of course you would have because you have the common sense of a goat. I, can not claim such a talent.

In order to convince this powdery bullshit to stick together, I added a little water, then more, and more and more until it finally turned into something that resembled a dough. Actually, it still resembled old crusty playdough circa 1987 but I stuck with it.

See? It doesn't look like the seventh circle of hell now does it? Trust me, it's like one of those things on Alien that lay in rest until the host least expects it and then it jumps out and gives you the worst tummy tuck ever. This is a ball of destiny.

You, of course, have to let it rise. So I do. Does it? No. No. No. Of course not. It just sits there, nice and warm, looking at me with distain and judgement. Laughing at me.

After an hour, I'm supposed to pull it out, divide it into six pieces and make six preztles out of it. It's laughable really, that I could possibly make a pretzel out of this wet sand. I divided and rolled and rolled and rolled, like it was some sort of sappy, horrid movie, I tried and tried and tried. But... alas.. the gluten gods hate me because frankly, I hate them.

Do you like how I pulled out the ruler, as if I could measure this monstrosity? I'm delusional. A crazy person. So do you think they look like pretzels? Hey?

Okay, so at this point, I regroup and decide to try to make something different. I decided to make pretzel 'bites'. Like that's a thing. Pretzel 'bites' like bagel bites or snack bites. I crack me up.

I cut some into rectangles, I tried to ball them up but basically, I didn't make gluten free pretzels.

Do you know what I made?

I made dog food.

Yup. Dog food.

I threw out the rest of the dough and as you can see, I was really enjoying myself at this point. I was really feeling that housewifey glow that you see on commercials. I. was. loving. being. a. Celiac.

I boiled them and baked them and as a perfect ending fuck you, the fire alarm went off to notify the house that the dog bisquits were ready.

Wow. This is a new low bitches. THIS is the worst thing, ever made by anyone, anywhere. I swear, the garbage they make reality stars eat on deserted islands which is basically shark piss, coconut husks and Gary Busey's ball-sweat, is of better quality than this shit I made.

How do they taste? Like death. That's how.

What do I do now? Nothing. Throw it all out, drink some more wine and eat a brick of cheese.

I consider that a win so after all that, I still nailed it today. I got all my shit done and I tried something new. I failed. Meh. Fuck it.

The most important thing in life is to ask yourself if what you did today will make a great story. And it did. It made a great story. So pin that motherfucker.

Don't Forget to Stop and Smell the ....FLOURS?

2016-01-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

Gluten Free Flour, the bane of every Celiac's gluten free life. The question I get asked most is 'What Gluten Free Flour do you use?" And the answer has changed over the years. I have tried mixing my own, I have tried every single commercial one out there and I have some favorites. To save you from spending your retirement fund on flour, I thought I would share my vast knowledge.

The first thing to remember, is that you HAVE to add Xanthum or Guar gum to your flour. I usually add about a teaspoon or two. It doesn't have to be exact. Even if the mix HAS Guar gum in it, I still add it because it never feels like enough. Guar gum is much cheaper than Xanthum gum and I have never seen a difference.

Another thing? Make sure it is a cup for cup replacement. That means, you can use any glutened recipe and just swap out the flour.

Do you want to mix your own flour? Don't. Just Don't. There are lots of commercial options out there that will work much better, store better, give you a better product and be...drumroll...cheaper. Cheaper cheaper cheaper. That's what we are going for here.

Pick your flour like you pick your hookers. Cheap but effective.

If you refuse to listen to me and want to mix your own flour, get the book "Gems of Gluten Free Baking" by Wendy Turnbull HERE. It is the best gluten free baking book out there and she has a great recipe for a GF flour mix. However, each one of her batches has to be refrigerated and costs about two dollars a cup. And that's Canadian, so like eight million for everyone else.

Are you over mixing your own flour? Good. Now get your pocket book and go to the store. Survey your options. Remain calm. Let's begin.

Option One: An organic mix like Red Mill. I like Red Mill products in general. I don't like how expensive it is and how small the bags are. Like, I am making cookies, for people, not fairies, give me a bag of flour! It works, but I find the end result to be a little tough. If you are insistent on a organic product, than this is the one for you. I figure, if I'm eating a cake, it's going to be shitty for me no matter what. Your choice.

Option Two: Costco. Ahhhh the mecca of stocking food for the zombie apocalypse. Costco has a decent gluten free flour from Cloud Nine. I like it. It comes in a nice big bag, it's not expensive and it behaves very much like 'normal people' flour. The only thing I'm not crazy about is the coloring. I like the texture but the flour isn't white. It has this grey color to it, which is fine if you are making a cake or something but my sugar cookies looked a little sad. Overall though, a totally awesome choice.

Option Three: Bulk Barn (not pictured). I'm not mad at the Bulk Barn flour, it can feel a little gritty though. It's not my first choice, it's the cheapest though so if you are just using it to thicken sauces or in a batter, go for it. I wouldn't use it for baking cream puffs though.

Option Four: President's Choice Gluten Free Flour. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner. Slap a crown on this bitch and start taking advantage of her good looks. This flour is great. It's bright white, soft and can make damn near anything. The President's Choice Gluten Free Flour is easy to work with, and people can not tell the difference between my baking and a glutened version of it. The ONLY thing I don't like is that it could come in a bigger package, that's it. I love it.

So there you have it. Your fascinating flour review for the day. Now go bake something and send it to me. Now. Go. I mean it. Now.

The 2015 Christmas Post

2015-12-21T19:08:00.002-08:00

It's time for my Christmas post. A lot of people think that my Christmas posts don't have enough to do with having Celiacs because I don't usually mention it as much.

Shockingly, I disagree.

I firmly believe that what ever powers that be, gave me Celiacs for a reason. Before being diagnosed, I was on a long and exhausting path of spending my life entrenched only in the contentment and approval, of others. I used to lay awake at night, worried and fretful that Christmas (or any other major or minor event in my life) wouldn't turn 'out'. That it wouldn't be perfect and therefore, be a complete and utter fail and THAT made ME a complete and utter fail. It was fucking exhausting. You see, too many of us are far too wrapped up in the fact that what we produce, is who we are, and how people will judge us, as people, as mothers, as fathers. It's a horrible way to live.

Celiacs changed that.

Celiacs forced me to think about myself. Not every day, not all the time, but certainly, far more than I was before the diagnosis. I am forced to consider myself and my happiness to be more important than the other crap that floats around my life. I have to come first sometimes. And that, dear reader, was my biggest lesson of all.

From that lesson I have learned what is important, and vital for a Christmas season to not leave me resentful and exhausted.

Here is what IS NOT important at Christmas:

1) Matching glassware - if it holds booze, use it. Including any 'sippy-cups' that you can wrestle away from your toddlers. Fill them with Jagermeister.

2) Symmetrical decorations that are re-purchased in the newest fashion each year - the more crap that your kids made on the tree is a barometer to your inner peace

3) What the neighbors are doing with their lights or what ever bullshit inflatables that litter their lawns - suck it Jones' ....suuuuuuck it.

4) Spending more than anyone else on gifts for your kids - stop competing, Trump will always win.

5) Your children looking and acting perfectly - they aren't supposed to....they are CHILDREN. Let them wear their jammies to Christmas dinner or a fish hat or nothing at all. It's the ONE day they set the schedule...give them that.

6) Anything on Pintrest involving a speed set camera - it's the seventh circle of Hell. Avoid.

7) Anything else you don't want to do - stop doing things you don't want to do. Stop. Now. The world will keep spinning.

My tree currently has no less than two strings of burnt out lights. There are entire black holes on the fucking thing. You know what? I looked at it, I took a deep breath, and I thought of Mary.

Mary, as I say every year, gave birth in a barn. A fucking barn, with cows and pigs and goats nibbling at her toes while she is trying to push out a baby. The most iconic mother in modern history, didn't have perfection, far from it, and she was happy. She pushed out a baby in the dead of night, with no one around, surrounded by stinky cattle, and she was happy.

So, you see, the lights aren't supposed to matter. The money you spend is worthless, the fretting and the ironing and the fussing, doesn't matter....at all.

You matter...

Mary put herself first. She knew it was her time, hopped a squat and took care of business and she never once, cared what anyone thought of her outfit or whether or not the baby cried too much or shit up the back of his diaper.

So don't, just don't. Don't fret, don't panic and worry and stay up all night making anything 'perfect'. Because it won't be perfect, it will never be perfect. Let it go. Relax, breathe, enjoy your children and your spouse and your friends. Enjoy Christmas.

Put yourself first and have the Christmas you want to have. Because at the end of the day, that's what Mary did, and that's what I am going to do.

From My Heart to Yours,

Have a drunken, laughing, belly filled, hug exhaustive, holiday. May it be as imperfect as mine and just as happy.

Do's and Don'ts of Hosting a Celiac

2015-12-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

This is an artistic rendition of my colon after last Christmas Season.

'Tis the season for entertaining. Brace yourself for the onslaught of family and friends piling through your doorway. Some of those people might have Celiacs. Remain calm. There is no reason to not invite someone because they have a pain the ass disease. See what I did there? I'm funny. I have also not been invited to things because the host didn't want to have to feed me. It kind of hurt my feelings, so I lit their house on fire.

My Grandma Theresa always said that if she came to see your house and eat your food, she would have come when you weren't home.

That's the way it is with Celiacs. We come to your home to see YOU, not to eat. Maybe we come to drink, that's true but mainly we come to hang out with you so don't get too hung up on feeding us. Chances are, we have already eaten. However, if you want to feed us, here are some DO's and DON'Ts of hosting a Celiac in your home.

Do - Clean everything that will touch their food. A dishwashing sanitizing cycle works well.

Don't - Assume that your drying towels or dish cloths are clean enough. Remember that sandwich you made yesterday? Remember you wiped your counter with that cloth? That cloth you are about the wash a Celiac's dish with? See where I'm going? Yeah. Paper towel. Wasteful? Yes. Clean? Indeed.

Do - check the ingredients of every single thing you are putting together.

Don't - Call the Celiac with every single ingredient. This will make them feel like they are causing too much trouble. Just Google it, that's what your friend with Celiac's will do anyway.

Do - Keep it simple. A plate of gluten free crackers and cheese is just fine. Don't get all fancy and try to make a gluten free angel food cake when you have never made a cake in your life. It will look and taste like shit and your poor Celiac friend will have to eat it anyway. Thanks for nothing.

Don't - Put their food on the same table as the glutened food. Put it to the side. Don't make a big deal, just make it less likely that some drunk asshole will sprinkle bread crumbs all over the cheese while yelling, 'PIXIE DUST TIME'. This has literally happened to me.

Do - Make their food first and have them eat first. This cuts down on cross contamination.

Don't - Make a big production of any steps you are taking for your guest. There is nothing more uncomfortable than someone doing something nice for you and then repeatedly telling you how nice they are. It takes away a lot of the niceness. Do it to be kind, don't do it for a pat on the back. Remember, Celiacs live like this so you making one meal with the precautions they take all the time, and expecting a trophy, is kind of an asshole move.

Do - Know that your Celiac friend does not expect anything from you, except to enjoy your company. They didn't come for the food. Celiac's have learned to not go anywhere for the food. They came to laugh and drink and have fun with you.

Don't - Assume that they will tell you if they get sick. Here's a secret, I have gotten sick at lots of friends homes. Friends who have taken precautions. They will never, ever, know. Why? Because it's fucking rude to tell them that's why! Jesus, you are such an asshole sometimes. I know I could get sick anywhere, I know I sometimes make myself sick. It's a risk all Celiac's take. If a Celiac tells you that they got sick at your house, tell them I say they are a douchebag and then punch them.

Just like my Grandma, I don't go to your house for your food. I go to see you and laugh with you and hug your children. I go because I love you.

And to drink your wine, I mainly come to your house to drink your wine.

Just Cheat

2015-11-28T08:33:00.001-08:00

"Just cheat, take the risk."

I've heard this hundreds of times since being diagnosed with Celiacs and I'm so sick of it, I feel like grabbing a bat and smashing the person's car up.

There are several problems with this statement and making it to a Celiac, let's go through them in a vulgarity laced tirade shall we?

Number one, fuck you. How dare you tell me what to do with my body. How dare you shrug at my disease like it is nothing but an inconvenience. This isn't like having a glass of wine while on antibiotics or a mini chocolate bar while you are trying to lose weight so you fit into a tube top. It's not a God damn option so stop suggesting that it is. Stop implying that I have a choice in the matter. Your tone is both dismissive and insulting. Let me switch it up on you.

You: "Oh, I can't eat that peanut butter, I'm allergic."

Me: shrugs while looking at a TV guide from 1981, "You could cheat."

You: "Well, then my tongue would swell up and I would have to take an epi pen shot."

Me: "But it's PEANUT BUTTER. It's the best thing in the world."

You: "Well, it's really serious."

Me: Shrugs again while shoving handfuls of peanut butter in my mouth. "I know people who don't even think your condition is a real thing anyway."

You consider buying a gun.

See where I'm going here? Feel like an asshole? You should.

Number Two. It's not worth it. It really isn't, and this is coming from a serious bread addict. I love bread. I adore it. The whiter, the more gluteney, the better. I miss croissants and sourdough and baguettes and donuts and eclairs. I jones for them like heroin addicts jones for a hit twenty years after their last hit. THIS is how much I love gluten so I assure you, if it was even remotely worth cheating, I would do it without your shittily timed suggestion. If I eat a minute amount of gluten, I get sick. Really really really sick. Have you ever had stomach poisoning? You ate some bad sushi or didn't know that the chicken shouldn't be pink? Remember that feeling like you wanted to die? Yeah. That's it. Right there. That's how it feels to be glutened. So, think about it. Would you choose to feel like that? For anything? Me neither.

Number Three. The damage is long term. The chances of me dying from colon cancer are three times higher than they are for you. The more gluten I eat, the bigger the chances of that happening. So, it's not worth it. If you don't think that colon cancer is a big deal, you are more than welcome to goggle image it. Go on, I'll wait...... You're back? Did you like that? Colons that looking like they are some distressed alien planet? That doesn't look painful at all does it? Does it look like something you would be willing to cheat for? Is there a Twinkie out there that is delicious enough for you to get that? Think about it. Then shut up.

So stop. Don't tell a Celiac that they can cheat. don't shrug at our disease like it's a choice. Don't treat us like we are being silly or overly cautious.

We can't eat gluten, any more than you can eat drain cleaner. It's poison.

Get it? Any questions?