Are you serious?

Don't box me in.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 09:06:00 +0000

So we were asked to replace these 'birds nets' COMMS with a free standing cabinet and to tidy up all the cabling. The customer intended to remove all the rubbish and knock through the wall that the cardboard boxes are stacked against. (Sadly you cannot see the back wall in this photo)

Obviously we had to wait for the builders to come in and knock through the back wall and then make good before we could then start our side of the work. The Office Manager rang all excited "The builders have finish and it looks lovely, really clean and tidy. You can now come and do your part."

We arrived On-Site with the new cabinet, cables and routers to be presented with this!

Us: "Wait! What? You've boxed in the Cab's!"

Manager: "Looks good doesn't it?"

Us: "But how is anyone going to get to anything?"

Manager: " You can undo the screws."

Us: "Undo the screws?"

Manager: "Yes, there's eighteen of them."

Us: "You can't keep unscrewing the panel every-time you want access, and what about if there's an electrical fire?"

Manager: "Well there is air vents!"

Looks like the box is staying. This is what happens when people with little knowledge but a bit of power get involved in jobs outside of their skill set.

Email sending issue.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Fri, 26 May 2017 13:24:00 +0000

Hi I've been unable to send emails for 10 days, I've been too busy to get in touch but it's starting to become critical now.

Received via the email account the individual says they have a problem with.

How to close a support ticket.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 16 May 2017 12:59:00 +0000

Engineer: "I'm calling about your printer issue."

Customer: "It doesn't matter now, we've all just been given our redundancies notices."

Oops!

Showaddywaddy

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Thu, 11 May 2017 09:27:00 +0000

Me: ♫ ♪ "Robert de Nero's waiting, talking, Italian" ♬ ♩ Bananarama is getting back together you know?

Martin: "I've never heard of them."

Craig: "pfft Martin hasn't even heard of Showaddywaddy either!"

Me: "I would NEVER admit to knowing Showaddywaddy."

I see no danger?

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 03 May 2017 13:12:00 +0000

Dear Nanette Newman
Please protect me from junior, inexperienced sales people.

PFY: "I think I may have infected my PC? I was talking to a bloke and I thought he was sending me an order so I opened the word attachment on the email but all that was there was a URL so I enabled editing so that I could click on the link and now I think I'm infected. Thing is, I also sent it to my colleague and he's opened it too."

Me: "So let me get this straight. You're sent an email with nothing on it with a .doc attachment. This doesn't concern you so you open the attachment which effectively is empty too and you are still unperturbed? Throwing complete caution to the wind you then effectively disable a security feature by enabling editing and click on the link in the .doc file and then, not content with that nightmare you send it to your colleague and get him to do everything you've done thereby infecting you both!"

PFY: "I know, I know."

Clearly you don't or should I say, in your desperation to get an order you've possibly cost your employer far more than the profit you were hoping to make.

PFY = Pimple Faced Youth

Don't Care

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 02 May 2017 13:19:00 +0000

Me: "Hi Dave I've got Rob on the phone asking for a is Dave available. Is your surname Available?"

Dave: "Na, mate My name is Dave Don'tCare"

Me: "Fair enough I'll tell him that then."

Bwahahaha

By whom?

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 15:00:00 +0000

An IT manager for a fairly big organisation.

Customer: "Pete, that Adobe Acrobat Pro is a bit expensive. Can you have a look on your Microsoft Partner account and see if they do a cheaper one?"

Me: "Umm? The clue is in the name, Adobe? It's not a Microsoft product."

Can I borrow.......

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 09:39:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi have you got a four or five port KVM switch lying around we could borrow for a few weeks and a Switch? We have some testing we need to do on old machines."

Me: "Hmm? I'm not sure. I might have some PS2 ones but I suspect you'll want USB?"

Customer: "If we have to buy something you can get some cheap Belkin's"

Me: "I think you might have to buy them tbh."

What a surprise. :-D

We bought it elswhere.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 10:34:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi we've just bought a new printer, just a quick question. Do I set it up via the WIFI or the disc that came with it?"

Me: "I take it you didn't buy it from us?"

Customer: "Well, no."

Me: "In that case we can set it up for you but obviously we'd charge you. The thing is, if you'd have bought it from us we'd be happy to set it up for you. I suggest you use the install disc that came with it."

Customer: "Oh, OK I'll have a go with the disc then."

Art of complaint

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 14:57:00 +0000

Walking towards the kitchen I overheard a member of staff moaning. While waiting for the kettle to boil I started slapping my my face with my mouth slightly open emitting a sound from the slapping.

Brad: "What the hell are you doing?"

Me: "Joining in with you!"

Brad: "What?"

Me: "Playing me face."

Badumtish I'm here all week folks.

And the lunchtime game is.........

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 13:31:00 +0000

Slap your backside while the Engineer is on a support call.

Engineer: "I'm sorry can I just put you hold. Pete, what the hell are you doing?"

Me: "Playing Passenger by Iggy Pop on my arse."

Engineer: "I hate you!"

Importance

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Mon, 20 Mar 2017 12:59:00 +0000

Had a call from one of our customers.

IT Manager: "Can you put me through to Dave now please."

Me: "I'm afraid he is out on-site at the minute."

IT Manager: "Presumably at a lesser customer than us?"

Me: "All of our customers are important."

I'm blocked!

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 12:52:00 +0000

"We have been sending emails to A-user@someaddress.com but they are saying that they are being blocked by their system, could you look into this please and see if there is a problem."

Erm? yes there is a problem.
What can I do about their system?
#facepalm

That's you that is.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 12:01:00 +0000

Have you ever noticed how some people have a recurring personal trait?

I know one individual who literally works themselves up into a frenzy about things that haven't happened yet. As an example, there was a vacancy coming up and they really wanted the job. Nobody had even submitted an application and yet the individual was practically bursting a blood vessel over who would be applying, who might be in with a chance and what the potential vetting procedure might be. All this before the vacancy was officially posted!

There is also another individual I know who spends days if not weeks complaining about a task they have to complete and yet doesn't even make an attempt to start. I think they hope that someone will say "Tell you what, I'll do that for you." the individual just aggravates everyone by constantly moaning about it and then, which is the most ridiculous bit, they finally ask someone to do it for them when the time has run out!

It's who you know.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Sat, 25 Feb 2017 13:23:00 +0000

Texted my plasterer last night to see if either he was willing to climb up on the roof of Castle Cannon or if he knew anyone who was interested in risking their life walking the battlements to replace the tiles. He texted back "Will pop round in the morning."

Saturday 08.40

Me: "Hi Paul, thanks for coming round. You're not climbing up there are you?"

Paul: "Na mate, I just came round to have a look and wet myself laughing."

Even the plasterer disrespects me. :-(

He's going to get his 'roofer' cousin on the case.

Ye Olde Play

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 13:56:00 +0000

A sleepy Morrisons in a leafy shire of merry old England.

Me: "Hi, can I have two of those sausages with chips please?"

Assistant: "Is that the three sausage deal?"

Me: "Oh god no, I couldn't do three sausages!"

Assistant: "Well there's the small deal which is one sausage?"

Me: "Here's a cunning plan, I'll have the single sausage deal and buy another sausage separately."

Assistant: "I suppose you could do that."

Me: "Yes, I suppose I could."

Whose Fault?

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 15:34:00 +0000

And the winner of the most ridiculous support request goes to:

"Our site is under attack from IP xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx SAMSUNG-ANDROID is this anything to do with the server issue you had last week?" #facepalm

30 Day Trial

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 10:01:00 +0000

Signed up for a trial of a product promoted by Google. We already have one of the family of services on offer so an integrated addition might be beneficial. Within twenty minutes of the account being created a sales rep was on the phone!

Rep: "How many people will be using the product?"
Rep: "Will you just be using it internally or in conjunction with your customers?"
Rep: "When will you be purchasing the product?"

Now I pride myself on being a pretty diligent salesperson but at least let me take the wrapper off and have few licks before pouncing.

Clearly I don't understand.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 10:35:00 +0000

Me: "But surely it makes sense if we are being invoiced monthly then we should invoice monthly?"

Dave: "No, it's too much hassle to invoice every month. We'll invoice once a year!"

Me: "But if they cancel then we'll have to credit the remainder? Plus you'll need to keep on top of who's had what and when at the year end when you say you'll invoice? Effectively your invoices will be all over the place as you invoice different customers at different times? At least on a monthly basis all relevant customers are billed at the same time regardless of join date?

Dave: "You don't understand, it's too much hassle."

Three months later

Dave: "We're going to start invoicing on a monthly basis."

Bwahahahaha

Female Logic

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 10:50:00 +0000

Wife: "Don't forget it's Friday so it's, get it yourself night!"

Me: "OK Bubb."

Two minutes later.

Wife: "I'll nip to Tescos and get one of their meals for two if you like?"

Me: "OK Bubb."

#GoFigure

I'll give you a way out.

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:53:00 +0000

Prospect: "Hi, I'm interested in the 8470p you're offering. Do you sell to individuals?"

Me: "Certainly, however, I should remind you that those prices are EX VAT."

[Brief silence]

Prospect: "Umm? That's OK. Do we have an account with you?"

Me: "Sadly not. TBH even if you did it through the company you'd have to pay by debit or Baacs for the first few orders."

Prospect: "Hmm? Does it have USB 3.0?"

Me: "2.0 only I'm afraid."

Prospect: "Ah, now see, that could be a deal breaker."

Me: "Really? tell you what, why not go and have a think about it and ring me back?"

Prospect: "Yeah, I'll do that I think."

Let me just decode that for you.

Prospect: "Phwoah that looks cheap!"
Prospect: "Ooh maybe it's not as cheap as I thought?"
Prospect: "Maybe I can get work to pay the VAT?"
Prospect: "How do I get out of this?"
Prospect: "Brilliant he's let me off the hook."

:-)

How rude!

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 15:40:00 +0000

Caller: [Abruptly] "Can I speak to Dave please!"

Me: "Who's calling?"

Caller: "AXY & Co"

Me: "OK, that's the company, I was actually after your name."

Caller: "Tsk, it's Debbie!"

Me: "Ah, thank you. I'll just see if he's available."

Some people really are pig ignorant.

Ask a question

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 13:40:00 +0000

Colleague: "I've had an inquiry for maintenance of some PC's but one of them is running XP which in turn is operating a laser cutter."

Me: "We wouldn't support the XP OS but we'll support the hardware."

Colleague: "Well I said we wouldn't support XP but he didn't seem worried about the price. He did want to know how we could support him if he had a problem."

Me: "Such as? What sort of problem? Is he talking about the XP or the hardware?"

Colleague: "Well he said he'd had two other company's out but they couldn't support him."

Me: "More like they wouldn't. So as I said, what is this 'problem' that he's talking about?"

Five minutes of waffle later.

Colleague: "I don't know."

Me: "Thing is you do this a lot. Let me put it into context for you. If you went to the doctor and said "I'm ill" the doctor is hardly likely to just give you a load of drugs are they? They're definitely going to ask you what's wrong with you or at the very least ask you to give them some clues as to what might be wrong."

Colleague: "I Suppose so."

Me: "No suppose about it, so how can I answer your question when you spoke with the guy and yet you didn't ask the question? Send him the maintenance brochure, make sure you restate in the email we do not support XP and follow it up in a few days."

Porsche

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 14:21:00 +0000

One of my customers is a religious organisation, I think they're Pentecostal gospel or something like that. I do like to play them up a bit when I speak to them, given they've known me for coming up to 20 years I can get away with it.

Me: "Abele-eeeeeeeee, how are you today?"

Abele: "Very good Peter, how are you?"

Me: "Not too bad although I was wondering if you could have a word with the big man upstairs and get me a Porsche 911?"

Abele: [Laughing] "You could do that yourself Peter but he will only give you that which will improve your life. If it will harm you in the future then he will not give it to you."

Me: "What? He won't let me have what will harm me? If that's the case how come he let me marry the misses!"

Abele: [Roaring Laughing] "Oh Peter, you really are a terrible man."

Me: "I know, so about this Porsche."

Take more Indians

noreply@blogger.com (Peter Cannon) — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 09:37:00 +0000

Remain-er: "Ha! See, see, so much for your Brexit! Theresa May goes to India to try and get some trade and the Indians demand the UK accept more people. So much for taking control of the borders and getting rid of immigrants."

Me: "Umm? Firstly, nobody said anything about totally stopping immigration. What the LEAVE campaign said was we should have control of our borders and therefore control over who comes in rather than the EU telling us who and how many we should take. Secondly India is talking about FEE PAYING students coming over to study with the proviso that they will be entitled to work in the UK for up to three years after they get their Degree etc. This would be in exchange for access to Indian markets such as the Insurance sector that is worth billions! Currently this is a closed sector to anyone outside of India so it would be a massive coup if we could tap into that and 10 or 20 thousand students who will pay to be here is a small price to pay."

Remain-er: "But they'll still be in effect immigrants enjoying the same stuff as UK residents."

Me: "Umm? No, as foreign nationals they' have to pay for any NHS treatment and they will not be entitled to any welfare payments. I am however willing to concede that once in the country if they choose to seek political asylum for instance then the welfare system does kick in for them but on the whole those individuals will probably be weeded out in a strong vetting system and so would not come here in the first place."

Remain-er: "Huh! we'll see when nobody wants to trade with us."

Me: "LOL"