Are you serious?

Womens logic

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 12:20:00 +0000

Me: "I'll cook tonight love."
Wife: "OK."

Later that day.

Me: "What would you like me to cook?"
Wife: "The dog needs a walk he's not been out all day."
Me: "No problem I'll take him"
Wife: "I'll put some chips in the oven."
Me: "Cool."

So the dog gets outside sniffs left and right and wants to go back indoors.

Wife: "Don't tell me he didn't want to go?"
Me: "You know what he's like."

A little while later.

Me: "Thanks for the burger and chips love that was nice."
Wife: "I knew you wouldn't cook."

Switch it off and on again

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:17:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi Pete you know how I keep having to reboot my router to get a good service well it's getting a bit silly now"
Me: "Erm you didn't need to reboot your router, you had some machines infected on your network that was banging every port under the sun!"
Customer: "Well when I reboot the router it's fine for about half an hour?"
Me: "Yes because you severed the link to the Internet when you rebooted the router, once the connection was re-established the spyware or whatever it is started banging the ports again!"
Customer: "Oh erm?"
Me: "Even a blind man could see that?"
Customer: "What shall I do?"
Me: "I'll give you the machines IP take it off the network, clean it get some anti spyware and bollock the user"
Customer: "Can you do that then?"
Me: "Yes"

Thank god it's Friday

I can hear you

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 08:29:00 +0000

A call was put through by reception who assure me they heard "OK" said when they put the call through after explaining who was on the line.

Colleague: "For fuck sake it's going to be a piss ant email problem I'm sick to death of dealing with this shit."

Two second pause.

Colleague: "I'm sorry John I apologies I was in the middle of something."

Oops!

Long term planning

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 15:12:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi Pete I'm going on holiday, would it be possible to get my emails sent to the sales account?"
Me: "Sure."
Customer: "What about one of them I'm not here thingy's?"
Me: "You mean Out Of Office, sure not a problem. When do you go on holiday?"
Customer: "August."
Me: "But it's June?"
Customer: "Yeah I know but I'll forget."
Me: "So will I ring me nearer the time."

Where did I put them postit notes?

When will it end?

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 09:44:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi we sold our site in Stourbridge in February can you tell me if we have any contracts still live for that site?"
Me: "What contracts did you have? I know I could find out but it would be quicker if you knew what they was."
Customer: "I have an invoice for ADSL for the period March to May."
Me: "Ah OK you have Broadband let me look. Um it looks like you have not canceled the ADSL?"
Customer: "But we sold the site over three months ago now."
Me: "Did you tell us?"
Customer: "Well that's why I'm ringing"
Me: "You'll have to send us an email as we need written confirmation."
Customer: "Will we still get charged?"
Me: "Yes."
Customer: "But why? We sold the site in February!"
Me: "But you didn't tell us."

I suppose we're not classed as an integral part of their company? It's a bit like moving house and not telling the postman then complaining you're not getting any post.

Would you like to borrow my glasses?

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Wed, 25 May 2011 12:38:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi I've had an email bounce back to me it says the email is too large? It say my email is 26MB and that the limit is 25MB"
Me: "That's correct it's always been 25MB"
Customer: "No it's not! I have sent much larger files in the past I sent a 300MB one last week!"
Me: "I'm afraid you didn't as I say it's 25MB"
Customer: "It's this new server you installed, I cant work like this you will have to sort this out or we will have to look at an alternative course of action."
Me: "I have no idea what can be done the limit is 25MB"
Customer: "Look just look into it and call me back!"

About 20 minutes later.

Customer: "Erm I've looked at some of the mails I sent last week and it would seem I was confusing MB with KB the 300 one was 300KB"
Me: [Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out]

I'm still waiting for the apology.

Pull the other one

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 20:22:00 +0000

I had a call from a customer on a car phone.

Customer: "Hi there, on 25th May 2010 one of your guys came out to us as our server crashed and we lost a lot of data"
Me: "A year ago?"
Customer: "Yes, thing is one of our guys had a speeding ticket then and I've been out of the country and I've come back and had a summons! I have to be in court on 20 minutes"
Me: "Er?"
Customer: "Can you have a look back in the logs for when you came out and fax over a letter saying when you came out and confirming the data loss?"
Me: "Firstly there is nobody here at the minute who can access the archives plus it would take longer than twenty minutes to get that faxed over but more importantly what has the server crash got to do with a speeding fine letter?"
Customer: "Oh never mind I'll just have to go in without it"

Please! Someone stop that, its trying to escape! I think its what little is left of my brain.

My wit is bigger than yours

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 09:40:00 +0000

Why do people waste time and effort either sending a tirade of abuse to an email they have no interest in or, which is even worse, put extra effort into composing what they believe to be a witty message?

Email from Prospect: "Your web proxy blocking box is an interesting idea however I've been sacked for following you on Twitter"
Email from Me: "That's a real shame you should sign up with LinkedIN http://www.linkedin.com you could get a much better job with a better employer who appreciates a member of staff that uses every communication tool to promote their business for them. :-) Enjoy"

Only one problem, I'm now just as bad as the people I'm moaning about. :-(

Mind reader

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 12:46:00 +0000

I've been doing an email template for a flier a customer wants to send, I've been doing it for two days now.

Customer: "Its a bit big isn't it?"
Me: "What do you mean big? I'm using the images you gave me, they'll determine the overall size in a sense."
Customer: "I wasn't expecting it to be that size."
Me: "Right I can resize everything but that means starting all over."
Customer: "Can you make the font in the text box the same as the font on the images?"
Me: "What font is it?"
Customer: "I dunno I thought you would."
Me: "But they are your images, hang on let me rummage around in my trousers I'm sure I have a crystal ball down there!"
Customer: "Oh, erm, try Ariel"

Luckily I know the guy, Muppet.

I thought the backup fairies did it

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 14:22:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi Pete can you tell me, are you doing our backups?"
Me: "In what sense?"
Customer: "Do you do them do you back our server up?"
Me: "I suspect not but surly Simon in Yorkshire can answer that?"
Customer: "He says he backs up his but not ours."
Me: "Before they bought you out, when was that? Two years ago? Did you used to put tapes in?"
Customer: "Yes but we stopped when they bought us."
Me: "Why?"
Customer: "We just assumed they'd sort it out, I have no idea where that tapes are by the way"
Me: "So you've not had a backup for two years then?"
Customer: "Suppose not."

Oh dear looks like you'll need a new backup solution how about a snapshot automated with a cron job?

Over my head like an aeroplane.

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 14:10:00 +0000

Our CRM database has been playing up for ages also I noticed we have a couple of thousand records that have not been touched in a very long time so set some mass call activities. As it turns out these have been set incorrectly the 'call' has been set across the range instead of for each individual record.

Colleague: "Pete my task list is wrong they all say Rosie."
Me: "Ah I see the problem, its my fault sort of, I've set a block activity relating to Rosie. I wanted individual calls. I'll clear that activity... Ooh its cleared the lot! Right just work through these records but don't change the lookup whatever you do."

About an hour later.

Colleague: "All my calls have disappeared!"
Me: "What do you mean disappeared?"
Colleague: "They've all gone from my lookup."
Me: "Oh no I did say work from that look up and just move forward from each record, you've lost em."
Colleague: "Where have they gone I cant find them?"
Me: "OK I'll try and make it simple (And patronising) when you came in this morning and looked up your tasks it said "Hm OK 6 tasks (Reduced for simplicity) here you go six tasks for today" you had done two I cleared the activity on the 3rd but the database also cleared the other 3 thats why I said to not mess with the lookup and carry on working from that."
Colleague: "So where have they all gone I cant call the outstanding ones back again?."
Me: "Erm OK let me put it another way, here's a blackboard how many pretend calls you got?."
Colleague: "68?"
Me: "No pretend calls, its 6 isn't it?"
Colleague: "Oh, oh yeah 6"
Me: "So we put six chalk marks on the board you wipe two, I'll wipe one then two more how many chalk marks left?"
Colleague: "Er none?"
Me: "Correct!"
Colleague: "But I've not done the calls I need to get them back"
Me: [Crying] "Just set the lookup to tomorrow and do those I'll set some more later."

Open your eyes

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 15:04:00 +0000

I had an email from a customer about some tapes they bought from us asking if someone could give him a call as the backup drive refused to use them.

Email to Colleague: "Hi can you give Anthony a ring as the tapes he bought are not working."
Email to Me: "Telephone number?"
Email to Colleague: "Try scrolling down this email, oh look theres his number."

Perhaps I should make the call and put it through to you? And while I'm about it hold the phone to your ear?

Can I slip it in

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 16:25:00 +0000

A customer has a faulty printer.

These days not many people cover printers under maintenance they're just too cheap to buy, might as well chuck it in the bin and buy a new one.

Customer: "Hi Pete I've had an email about renewing our maintenance can we put our two printers on it?"
Me: "Your printer is currently broken we cant do anything until its fixed"
Customer: "Ah yes I know its broken but can we put it on?"
Me: "No not for the minute and to be honest we don't cover printers anyway they're so cheap you can just buy a new one"
Customer: "You're an obstructive bastard aren't you?"
Me: "What? Hey? Er? Where did that come from?"

Oh wait let me guess you want to put it on maintenance so you don't have to pay the £65.00 an hour call out fee?

Hold my hand

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 11:17:00 +0000

A colleague quoted a customer £400.00 for wiping their server, installing M$ Windows 2003 Sever on it and shipping it to Scotland.

Customer: "Hi look thanks for the quote but we want to save a bit of money so I'll install it myself, I was just wondering if it would be OK to give you a ring when I do the install of 2003 server if I get any problems?"

Colleague: "Cough! Splutter! What?"

I'd have said "Yeah OK the help you want will cost £399.99 is that OK?"

Navy Lark

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 10:44:00 +0000

I've been watching a documentary on television called Royal Navy Caribbean Patrol its yet another fly on the wall program showing what our brave lads and lasses of HMS Manchester are doing to combat the drug smuggling from Colombia etc, Its been fairly enjoyable lots of speed boats with burley Marines boarding ships and boats and having small victories over the drug cartels.

Last nights episode I'm sorry to say had me in fits of hysterics and all for the wrong reasons. HMS Manchester came upon a Go-Fast a sort of supped up speedboat abandoned at sea "Oh jolly good this will give the chaps some fun and a bit of target practice." said the captain.

First up was one of Manchester's main pieces of armament its 115mm gun "whoar" this thing lobbed shells at the Go-Fast great plumes of water erupted and a couple of direct hits was scored! As the froth and spray cleared the Go-Fast sat there happily bobbing about, "Hm?" OK next up (I think) was the ships Lynx helicopter which hovered over the boat spraying bullets and death down on the bobbing embarrassment which still refused too die.

HMS Manchester edged closer and next up was the 20mm cannon this merrily punched holes in the boat yet failed to bring about its demise so into play came the Minigun better known to you and me as a Gatling gun these proceeded to fire off a billion rounds at probably £1.00 a bullet and all to no avail.

OK lets put a man aboard her with and Axe, we then see a poor able seaman hacking at the floor with said Axe and still the Go-Fast refuses to sink so they turn her over, nope "She's still float-in cap'in" right then here's a saw cut some holes in the hull.

They saw some holes pour petrol through said holes into the sea I presume, then a Marine fires a hand gun from the prow of Manchester at the Go-Fast to set it alight!

I have a sneaking suspicion that even that failed as while we saw shots being fired we never actually saw it burst into flame just 'on fire' as Manchester proudly moved on.

Poor old Nelson is wearing a patch over both his eyes on that one.

I see no wifi

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 14:44:00 +0000

Customer: "Can you tell me the password for wifi?"

Extremely confused.

Me: "You don't have wifi"
Customer: "Oh? We have a consultant here with a laptop and he wants to connect to the wifi"
Me: "Er he cant you don't have wifi he could connect....................."
Customer: "OK thanks bye"
Me: "What? Wait!"

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<Shrug>

Uppsey daisy

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 14:50:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi we've had an upgrade disc from Sage I've put it in the drive but its not working the ROM drive says its empty can you pop out and have a look?"

20 Minutes later.

Engineer: "You've put the disc in upside down!"

"Luke, ya minds not right Luke"

Do me a favour

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 13:53:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi Pete can you fax me something, anything our fax machine went a bit wonky."
Me: "Er, ooh, well I suppose so."

Any chance I can get that 5p back?

To burn or not to burn

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 16:45:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi Pete I'm after a bit of advice if that's OK"
Me: "Sure how can I help?"
Customer: "I've got all the pictures of my 18 month old daughter on a USB stick and I've been told I need to put them on a portable drive as the USB stick is a bad idea"
Me: "Erm isn't a USB stick portable then? True it might fail after a lot of re-writes why not put them on your laptop?"
Customer: "Ah well this bloke who say 's he builds his own computers said that was a bad idea as you cat get them off laptop hard drives"
Me: "What? I can take the drive out and stick it in a caddy what's this bloke on about?"
Customer: "What shall I do?"
Me: "Burn them on a DVD or CD and shove the discs in a draw"
Customer: "Can you do that then?"
Me: "Yes"
Customer: "Thanks for that Pete sorry its quick but Ive got to get off now I've got a bit of a nasty job to do I've got to give a bloke a written warning"
Me: "What for?"
Customer: "To be honest I think he lied at his interview he dosen't seem to know how to operate his lathe or any of the other machines."

He's not alone then?

What? That's extra?

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 10:29:00 +0000

Yet again we have a prime example of my biggest pet hate! Reading something I wrote and reading what you think was written.

Taken from an email I sent;

> That’s our problem we do not have a huge warehouse out the back stacked to the roof with them.
> I’m happy for us to install it for a price if you want to buy it from Amazon, thing is if you buy from us we can sort it out if there are any problems if you buy from Amazon all they say is “Send it back”.

Can someone tell where it says "If you buy the printer from me I will install it for free"?

Power to the people

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 13:52:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi there I'm after a little bit of advice about our server"
Me: "OK"
Customer: "They'll be switching the power off on Sunday should we shut the Server down?"
Me: "Seems like a good idea to me"
Customer: "Do I just press this button in then?"
Me: "No you need to shut it down properly, go to start then shutdown you'll have to fill in the reason why so there is a record in the log"
Customer: "Do you know our password?"
Me: "No I'm afraid not"

After asking internally.

Me: "Its date of births."
Customer: "Hm what's mine? I should know it as its my birthday today"
Me: "Erm 21 01 something?"
Customer: "Oh yeah thanks it says shutting down"

What can I say!

You mean I have to pay?

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 10:02:00 +0000

After the usual sales pitch;

Customer: "Yes we are looking for some support we had a nice guy used to look after us, we would drop a machine off or he'd pick it up. Work on it over night and drop it off the next day."
Me: "How come he is not looking after you anymore?"
Customer: "Well that's the thing we had loads of work for him he was always busy but he said he'd worked it out and for the hours he was doing it wasn't worth it so he was going back to lorry driving! After all the work we gave him as well!"
Me: "I take it he was charging slightly more if it was mostly night work?"
Customer: "Huh he wanted to charge us £45 I soon put a stop to that we paid him £20 an hour"
Me: "What!? We charge £65 an hour and that's in the daytime! No wonder he went back to lorry driving"
Customer: "Well if you want to pop in and have a look you're more than welcome."

Yeah there's a plan, we'll pay for the petrol our staffs wages and 'have a look' at your machine.

Is Bigger better

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 09:44:00 +0000

Customer: "Hi Pete you know that laptop you sold me about three years ago?"
Me: "Not really what was it?"
Customer: "An IBM T42 thing is its running slow now and struggles to run the programs we use maybe it needs a bigger hard drive?"
Me: "Maybe it needs throwing in the bin?"
Customer: "Oh god no its a good laptop."
Me: "I thought you said it won't run your programs?"
Customer: "Yeah but I was hoping all it needed was a bigger hard drive."
Me: "No, more memory or a better CPU might help but in the long run it was a refurbished laptop anyway so I suspect its 5+ years old time to replace it I think."
Customer: "Erm can I drop it off and you have a look at it?"
Me: "Of course"

Oh deary me its too old!

What is in a name.

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 09:29:00 +0000

Customer: "The screen is not working."
Me: "Screen? What screen?"
Customer: "This screen its not working."
Me: "Do you mean your monitor?"
Customer: "Yes I tried it on another computer and its still not working"
Me: "It's probably dead then you may need to replace it."
Customer: "Cant you send someone out to fix it I'm busy toady."
Me: "Nobody really fixes monitors these days let me look at your details and I'll come back to you."
Customer: "What am I going to do in the meantime?"

Make a cup of tea? No sugar for me thanks.

ipad for the elderly

noreply@blogger.com (dick_turpin) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 14:21:00 +0000

I had a call from the 387 year mother of one of our customers

Customer: "I want to copy the emails off my ipad for my son John"
Me: "When you say copy do you mean copy them to his machine?"
Customer: "No I want it so he can read them on paper"
Me: "Ah you mean you want to print them off for him"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "Do you have a wireless printer?"
Customer: "No"
Me: "Do you have a printer for the ipad?"
Customer: "No"
Me: "Do you know if the ipad can put things on your computer?"
Customer: "No"

I went through the various options

Buy an apple printer for the ipad.
Zip up the emails then attach them to another email and email them to someone who could print them off.

Customer: "I don't want to buy anything."
Me: "Um how about asking John to take it into work and he can print them off there?"
Customer: "Yes I think I'll speak to John"

Ah bless, NOT!