Are You There, God? It's Me - Kim

Sometimes the oldest sentiments are the truest...

2013-06-23T17:22:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling like it's time for a moment of vulnerability. (Please excuse my rambling nature...)

I call this poem Always Been, though I'm still not entirely convinced that's the real title. It was written at about 3:00am on 7/11/10. At that time, Aaron and I were talking, but not dating. Yet. At least not officially.
I've held this poem close to my heart for a long time now, and as Aaron and I are nearing our third anniversary together, I realize just how true these words are. Always have been. And always will be.

Two "background" things, for those of you who may not know -
First. The "Bachelor Relationship" mentioned is Mom's reference to the oh-so-popular reality show. Where all the women fall head-over-heels with one man - not because he's the best match for them, but because he's the only option there.
Second. I met Aaron around the Christmas of...1996? 1997? My gosh...has it really been that long? Anyway... By the end of the day, I knew I was a goner. I spent the next eight years regularly visiting my grandmother, whose church was led by none other than Aaron's dad. And trying to get him to see me too. We became friends. He became my best friend. He fell for someone else. We stopped talking. Life happened. We both dated other people. But always, in the back of my head, was this recognition that I'd already fallen for someone as hard as I was ever going to fall. And that made it hard to really open up to anyone else. And then after almost six years of silence, one spring day, out of the blue, we started talking again. Every day. All day. This was written about two and a half months later. As my mother was trying to make sure I wasn't setting myself up for heartbreak. A week before I'd buy a same-day ticket and travel 900 miles to show up his door and make myself impossible to ignore. And about two weeks before he and I finally decided to call this thing love.
And boy, am I glad we did...

Always Been

I was talking with my mom today,
Discussing relationships
And passion
And why I could never be with someone
I wasn’t passionate about.
How I can’t do things halfway,
And how I need to be lost,
Completely, totally, ridiculously
Head-over-heels, gone
For the man I want to be with.

Mom asks if I feel that way with you.
Am I really passionate about you?
Or am I just forcing myself into
What she calls “a bachelor relationship,”
Where I’ll fall in love with you
Because you’re the only option I’m allowed?

I pause.
I’m not sure what to say.
Because, for the first time
In a very, very long time,
My words fail me.

I don’t know how to explain it to her.
I can’t get my thoughts into words.
I can’t make my vocabulary cooperate
The way I normally do.

I usually have a firm grasp on
The things I’m trying to say,
And the words with which to convey
Everything that’s on my mind.
But today,
That’s gone.

I open my mouth to answer,
But nothing comes out.
My own thoughts don’t make sense.

I want to say how great you are.
I want to tell her
About how easy it is to just be me with you.
I want to confide in her
All the little things I love about you.
I want to share with her
How much you push me to be better,
Whether it’s intentional or not.
I want her to hear
How much you make me laugh.
I want to make her see
The man I see in you.
I want her to understand
The things I’ve been learning
Both from and about you.
I want her to see in my eyes
And hear in my voice
Just how much the thought of you
Drives me crazy
In all the right ways.

But I can’t seem to form any real thoughts.
So I know Mom just won’t understand.
Because
Even I don’t understand what I’m trying to say.

Just that…
It’s always been you.

When I first met you,
And realized that
You were something special –
Someone I didn’t want to let go.
When we became close friends,
And you were the rock I leaned on,
My safe harbor when I needed
The truth
Or a laugh
Or just a good song to listen to.
Despite the other guys,
The crushes and the boyfriends,
The kisses and the embraces,
And the times spent just being
In other men’s arms.
Through your other girlfriends,
And the days that turned into weeks
That turned from months into years
When, not only did we not spend time together,
We didn’t even speak.
In spite of the times I tried
(In vain)
To speed down the highway,
Hoping to outrun the memory of you.
After I spent countless nights
Lying awake in bed,
Mourning the loss of the you I’d always loved.
Even now, as we stumble our way
Through this clumsily choreographed
But still beautiful dance
That our relationship has become.

It’s always been you.

And I don’t know how to say it any other way.

So I close my mouth
And let the conversation die.
My silent thoughts
Are going to have to be enough;
At least for now.

But hours later,
Lying in bed;
With thoughts from the day
Flooding over me,
Four words echo incessantly in my mind.
Four words I can’t forget.
Four words I’m suddenly realizing
Are so very true,
Regardless of what may
Or may not come of this.

It’s always been you.

Adventures in Cajun Cooking

2013-05-07T13:36:00.002-04:00

So the last few months have been pretty crazy... Aaron's mother, sister, and cousin came to spend Thanksgiving here in South Carolina. In December, we went to Florida to spend Christmas with my family. In January, Aaron was in his friend's wedding. Mid-March we moved into our own apartment in the Manchesteresque city of Spartanburg, and now we just got back from a week and a half in Connecticut with my family. We've obviously been cooking during all that time, but it's been lots of "tried and true" basics, and not a lot of fun new things. So after a long break from "explorative cooking," I finally got adventurous a couple weeks ago.

As you may know, Aaron and his family are originally from southwest Louisiana, making Cajun cooking a favorite of his. I felt bad about the fact that Aaron has had so little true Cajun food recently - partly because his mother has been away, caring for her father, and partly because I'm a clueless Puerto Rican Jewish Yankee. :-P

Anyway... When we moved, I decided to purchase a Louisiana Cajun Deck O' Meals ($8 including shipping). It's literally a deck of cards, with each card containing a different recipe, and it comes in a box with a magnet on the back - perfect for keeping it on the fridge. Well, a few Sundays ago, Aaron was working, and I decided to make him a nice Cajun meal to eat once he got off work. I chose Jambalaya and the Betcha Can't Eat Just One Biscuits (which I was assured was a quite accurate name).

I was very nervous about this meal, moreso than almost any meal I've ever cooked, because my man knows his Cajun food, and I've quite literally never had it before in my life.

The recipes are VERY easy, and came out DELICIOUS in the end. Though, I do have to say that I was agonizing so much about the jambalaya and its flavor and consistency (which was totally unnecessary - it came out perfect) that I completely spaced out while making the biscuits. In hindsight, "4 cups Bisquick" should have been my hint, but I was so consumed with nervousness about the jambalaya that I paid zero attention to the quantity of ingredients in the biscuits.
Fast forward ten minutes to an I Love Lucy-like moment, as I'm pulling every possible baking sheet and cake pan out of the drawers, in an attempt to bake all of the biscuits at once. While the title is very accurate (I believe I ate 4), I probably could have done without the three dozen biscuits the recipe made.
So, note to self: The recipes come out delicious, but I may need to pay more attention to quantity in the future, or else I'll have enough food for the entire city before I know it. :-P

I'm Gonna Get Brave...

2013-03-07T13:57:00.002-05:00

Next on my "To Try" list... This amazing-looking Baked Mushroom Risotto.

I've always loved risotto, and I love the flavor of mushrooms, but I've always been nervous about trying to make my own risotto. It just seems like a very technical and difficult dish, and I haven't been brave enough to attempt it yet.
Stay tuned, and in the next couple weeks I'll tell you how it turns out. :-P

One filling, two meats, and three happy eaters

2012-10-12T18:30:00.000-04:00

Last week, I decided to pull out one of those giant frozen bags of fish that Aaron's dad bought a couple weeks ago. I'd been procrastinating because it was a bag of tilapia, which isn't exactly my favorite fish, and I am always reluctant to cook things I won't enjoy. In an effort to find something more appealing to do with the tilapia, I found a recipe online (Pinterest again) that I was actually excited to try. It's a Broccoli-Stuffed Sole (though, obviously, I made substitutions right off the bat).

The filling is delicious, made with chive & onion cream cheese, broccoli, stuffing, and Parmesan cheese. The sauce is more chive & onion cream cheese, with a tiny bit of white wine and milk.

When I tried to wrap the tilapia around the filling, I will admit to having difficulty. The filets, while thin, were not long enough to comfortably wrap around a good spoonful of the filling.

The finished product was very good, especially with a side of yellow rice (that recipe has been passed down in my family for years, and is much more about taste than portions) and green beans. For Aaron, whose favorite fish is tilapia, this was a great meal. For me, whose favorite fish is salmon, it was tasty, but not something I'd run off and tell people about. (Then again, nothing with tilapia is that good to me.)

When I made the filling originally, I doubled it, because I needed twice as many pieces of fish. Turns out, because I had so much trouble filling the tilapia, I ended up with over half the stuffing leftover.

Wednesday night, upon realizing I had rapidly expiring chicken breast filets sitting right next to the leftover filling, I had an idea - why not try again??

So I repeated the recipe, with the same filling and more sauce, but this time with chicken instead of fish. The end result was delicious. The filling kept the chicken nice and moist, and the subtle chicken flavor complimented the onions and broccoli in the filling in a much more satisfying way than the tilapia did for me. Aaron, his uncle, and I cleaned our plates of the chicken (this time with salad and green beans). This time, I actually found myself wanting more, rather than leaving half for Aaron, like I did with the fish.

All in all, this recipe is a DEFINITE win, both for tilapia and for chicken lovers. Yay!!

I think I'll call it "Delicious Chicken" and leave it at that

2012-10-09T18:12:00.002-04:00

Last week, I decided to get creative and try a new recipe off Pinterest. I was hoping for something that would be delicious, yet simple, while still being elegant enough to give me an excuse to pull out the candles I've got stashed away and have a nice, romantic dinner with Aaron.

What I ended up choosing was a recipe titled Dijon Chicken Linguine with Chanterelle. The first thing I should say is that both Aaron and I HATE almonds, so that part of the recipe got nixed very quickly. Also, it's next to impossible to find chanterelle mushrooms (which I'd never even heard of, just for the record) in this teensy-weensy town I live in, so we substituted a pack of sliced baby bellas, which are Aaron's favorite.

The rest of the recipe was ridiculously easy. Pan-fry chicken, salt, pepper, and garlic until the chicken is cooked. Make a white wine, dijon mustard, and cream sauce. Add mushrooms, and serve over cooked linguine. DONE!!
The hardest part for me was having the patience to let the chicken cook in the pan.

Aaron LOVED the meal. I'm not a huge mustard fan, so it was a tiny bit...dijon-y for me, but still very tasty AND!! It looked really pretty on a plate (though it probably would have looked better if I'd actually remembered the salad I'd meant to serve with it), helping me to feel like I was really having a nice dinner with my man, instead of our usual "What random thing should we cook tonight" fare.

All in all, an absolutely delicious (and incredibly) simple meal that I'll definitely be cooking again.

Happy faces all around!!!

A New Direction. (Maybe)

2012-10-07T19:45:00.002-04:00

Well, there's no two ways about it - I'm a terrible blogger. I wish I was dedicated enough to sit down at my desk and write about my thoughts and my day and what's new in my life. But alas, that "Oomph" that I started out with a couple years ago has faded away.

I think part of the reason behind that is because, at the time when I wrote here the most, I was in what I commonly refer to as my "Stupid Period," but am starting to realize was probably my "Searching Phase." For the year before Tampa, the year in Tampa, and the first couple years after Tampa, I was really searching... Searching for the things I was passionate about, for the place that I could call home, for love, for myself. And I wrote because I needed an outlet - I needed a place to be intimate and open and even afraid, if that's what was going on.

I feel like I've answered most of those questions now. I'm not searching so much anymore. Don't get me wrong - I believe that I'll never have all the answers, and I'll always be looking for something, to some degree. But I'm in a pretty good place right now, and I don't really need the outlet anymore. I've found myself in a relationship that is so much more than I ever could have dreamed of, and I don't need to type my random thoughts and fears and emotions anymore. I get to just open my mouth and share them.

Which brings me back to the title of this entry - I think I'm going to take this blog in a new direction. Because there are still things I want to share - they're just not the things I thought they'd be.

See, I've found that I love to cook. Love it. While I will admit to sometimes saying "Oh, that is SO not happening - we're ordering pizza," most nights I actually look forward to cooking dinner after work. It's like I've discovered this completely new side of myself - this part of me that takes my love of food and blends that passion with my creative side and with my desire to take care of the man who means so much to me. And what better way to express all those things than cooking?

And cook I have. I've been buying cookbooks, scouring the internet, and spending hours hunched over the Pinterest app on my phone, making note of literally hundreds of recipes I can't wait to try.
And every time I find a recipe I love (or Aaron loves), or we go to a great (or a terrible) new restaurant, I want to tell people about it! I want to share with others this great new discovery I've made!! It's my way of taking care of everyone - because I've realized that that's what cooking is to me. Taking care of the people I care about - taking care of their most basic need - in the most enjoyable, creative, tasty way possible.

So I think I'm going to head in that direction with this blog. I'm going to start blogging about the recipes I'm trying. The restaurants I'm going to. The meals that came out great, and the ones that crashed and burned. And maybe even giving you (however many of you are actually out there reading this) a glimpse into my life at the same time.

Wish me luck!
And please, feel free to share or link to any recommended recipes that YOU happen to find/love along the way!!

~ Kim

Let's Call the Last Few Months My "Sabbatical"

2012-03-29T16:51:00.000-04:00

So yes, it's been forever since I've written. And honestly, that drives me nuts. I've been feeling this insane need to write for a while now, but just keep putting it off.

Maybe the main reason I've been procrastinating is that I feel like I should have something significant to write about. And then I stop and realize that I do have something significant to write about. I have LOTS of significant things to write about! My life has changed so very drastically in the last three and a half months that it's hard to believe it's my life. And yet... It's all happened so smoothly (or maybe just so incredibly quickly) that I haven't even noticed just how much has happened.

Since December, I've graduated from MCC (finally!!), spent Hanukkah with my family and synagogue, moved 900 miles away, celebrated Christmas with Aaron's family, got a new job, went to visit Crystal, got Cooper back, and got a new phone.

I get up in the morning, take Cooper out, and shower. I head to Aaron's house, where I work from the comfort of the bedroom that used to belong to one of my best friends. I fix dinner for Aaron and I while he finishes working, and then we just hang out for the evening, often going for a walk and then watching movies or playing video games. Saturday is "our" day, and Sunday is church. And through it all, I keep waiting for my real life to start. I keep thinking that there's no way this is all my life, and there must be something that I have to go back to. I keep feeling like I'm dreaming, and I'm just moments from waking up. I keep waiting to be back in CT, still in school, unemployed, and single. But (but!) none of that is true! And I have to (get to?) remind myself of that daily.

And maybe that's the most significant thing to be writing about - the realization that my life, for once, is going so well that I feel like I'm living in a dream. Sure, there are rough times. There are times when I miss my family and friends. There are days when I miss teaching. There are nights when I hate my dog for having to pee at 2:30am. There are frustrating moments and even times when I'm sad. But I still love my life. So much so that I'm afraid it isn't real.

And that's a great thought.

Things I Need to Do Before I Leave New England This Winter...

2011-09-04T16:42:00.000-04:00

- Go to the Big E

- Take a walk down the hiking trail near my house and get lots of pictures

- Visit with all my friends in the area at least once more

- Visit my favorite little local restaurants and bakeries

- Copy my favorite recipes from my mom's recipe box

- Go to the Book Barn one last time

...Any other suggestions?

Reflections

2011-08-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling this incredible urge to write lately. Like, it's been driving me nuts, and I've been ignoring it, hoping it will go away. It's not that I don't want to write - it's just that I keep coming back to the same thing, and I feel like I've said it before. I'm not sure if I have or not, but I feel like I have, and I don't want to come across as a parrot.
But... A month later, with the same thoughts running through my head, I feel like maybe I need to get this out...

I've been listening to the Eli Young Band song Guinevere a lot. Partly because it's the alarm tone on my phone, so I get to hear it whenever I have to wake up or get something done; but also partly because I just can't get parts of it out of my head.
The beginning of the chorus especially gets into my mind. "For as much as she stumbles, she's running; For as much as she runs, she's still here."
For some reason, those words always make me think back on my own past, and how the things in my own life have laid the foundation for me to be where I am right now.
"For as much as she stumbles, she's running."
There have definitely been times in my life when I was stumbling, and even falling. There were times when I made terrible decisions that turned my life upside-down and drove me to my knees. But... I needed those times. Because I needed to be on my knees so that I could learn how to pick myself back up and to stand on my own two feet. And I desperately needed to be able to stand on my own two feet before I could be ready to stand next to someone worth standing next to.

"For as much as she runs, she's still here."
It's strange how sometimes life brings you around in such a neat little circle, taking you away from things and people and places in your life only to bring you right back to them in the end. I've been stupid enough to allow myself to lose some pretty important people in my life. I've been foolish enough to forget the way certain places I've been have made me feel. But now that I'm on the other side...now that those people are back and those places are in my heart again, I realize just how much I needed to lose them. Because had I not lost those people, I wouldn't hold them in such a precious place in my heart now, and I wouldn't know exactly what it's like to live without them. But because I do know, I also know what I'm willing to do to make sure that doesn't happen again. And the places... When I go back to somewhere I haven't been in a while, and realize just how much that place feels like home, even if it isn't where I grew up or anywhere I plan on being forever, I realize just how hard it is to find that feeling. And I don't want to take that for granted, either.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that the more things progress in my life, the more I realize that I was looking at my past completely backwards. Because I always assumed that my life was moving forwards in the good times and completely stalled in the bad times. And maybe, in an overall sense, that's true. I did move forward, bit by bit, on the days when I was laughing and smiling and feeling like I had it all figured out. But the greatest growth in my life, the times I learned the most about myself and what I want in my life, those were sudden leaps that happened seemingly overnight - and they always happened during or immediately following those times in my life when I felt like I'd hit rock-bottom.

I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write an entry like this. I feel like, when I look at my life and at how amazing everything is right now, this seems rather down.
I guess I'm just so very thankful for where I am right now. My sister and I are talking again. I've been with an incredible man for a year now. I have a car. I'm one semester away from my Associate's degree. In 18 weeks, I'll be closing this chapter in my life and running headlong into something new. And those are all things that I am so excited about. And...they're all things that I don't think I'd be able to say I have, had I not been through the other times in my life. I honestly believe it was precisely those hardships that brought me to where I am today.

And this...
This is such a beautiful place to be.

Heaven Can Wait

2010-09-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

Well... I don't have much to say, really.
Except that I've totally rediscovered We The Kings. And that I really like them more than I thought I did. :-P

One of their songs, Heaven Can Wait, is totally "my" new song. Hehe

Here's a song for the nights

I think too much and

Here's a song when I imagine us together

Here's a song for when we talk too much

And I forget my words

Heaven can wait up high in the sky

It's you and I

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

Lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

Tell me you want me to stay, forever

'Cause heaven can wait

Here's a song for the one who stole my heart

And ran so far that cupid couldn't catch her

Here's a song for the kid who aims so high

He shot her down

Heaven can wait up high in the sky

It's you and I

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

Lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

Tell me you want me to stay forever

'Cause heaven can wait

Here's a song for the nights I drink too much

And spill my words

Heaven can wait up high in the sky

It's you and I

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

Lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

Tell me you want me to stay forever

'Cause heaven can wait

After A LOOOOOONG Absence...

2010-09-01T01:03:00.000-04:00

Soo...

I haven't written in quite some time. Sorry about that. I've been slacking. The best "excuse" I can give really only covers the last month and a half. Before that, I was just lazy. But for the last 8 weeks or so, I've just been too busy living life to worry about writing about it.
Also, I'm having a really really hard time being honest and open, and still respecting the privacy and anonymity of the people who are the biggest parts of my life right now. Because so much of my life is laced with thoughts of and conversations with certain people, I'm finding it difficult to put ME on paper but keep THEM off it. (If that makes any sense at all...)

So...I apologize for the delay, but I have a sneaky suspicion that, at least until school really picks up and I start to freak out and just need an outlet, posting very well may be scarce again for a while.
I just went back over all my old entries here, and I discovered that I've written things (particularly about boyfriends/interests) that are quite frankly uncomfortable for me to read right now (and consequently may be removed), and I'm working on NOT making that mistake twice.
Just...suffice it to say that I'm in a really good place right now.
My friends are amazing people. The ones who are always there for me are constantly proving that they are the people who deserve the huge places in my heart that they already have.
My family continues to put up with my and my shenanigans. Things are up and down, as they are with all families, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.
And I've inexplicably found myself in a great relationship with an amazing man. One I've waited for a long time to have this chance with. (Totally worth the wait, by the way...)
And while all these things make me want to write write write write, I don't want to do anything to mess up ANY of the relationships I'm currently loving so very much. Which means that writing too much without getting my filter firmly in place is too much of a risk right now.

I hope that those of you who actually read this with any regularity will understand what I'm trying to say here...

Things I Love About Spring

2010-04-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

~ Flowers

~ Sunshine

~ Baseball season

~ Fresh grass

~ Warm air

~ Walks

~ The creative inspiration that strikes when everything is in bloom

~ Birds singing

~ The 1st BBQ of the season

~ The smell of rich dirt

~ Driving with the windows down

~ Leaving my bedroom windows open

~ Easter candy both for Easter and on sale afterwards

Maybe I Need Help...

2010-03-03T02:07:00.000-05:00

Hi. My name's Kim, and I'm a bookaholic.

I've always loved reading. I love reading. It's something my parents (especially my mother) instilled in me early on. As a matter of fact, I was reading (well) by age 5. Which wouldn't have been an issue, if only the rest of my class hadn't been just learning their letters. But, as it turns out, I was so far ahead, and the schools so reluctant to cooperate (one teacher went as far as to tell my parents not to allow me to read anything, even a box of cereal, so that the rest of the class could catch up to me) that my parents decided to pull me out of the public school system and begin what turned into eight years of homeschooling me.
I've read more books than I could list. I firmly believe a person can never own too many books (unless they start piling up around the room). I love all books. You name it, I'll read it. My bookshelf holds everything from Popular Religions of the World to the Harry Potter series to a multitude of Stephen King books to financial advice books to trashy romance novels. And that's not counting all the books I have in storage and the ones on my wish list.
I'm constantly on the lookout for a new good book, and I'm always picking up things to read. My desk holds more old Cosmos and school newspapers and Advocates than I care to count, because I have such a hard time throwing away good reading material, even if I've memorized it cover to cover. My class had a library introduction a couple weeks ago, and I literally stopped in my tracks on the way out of the campus library because I spotted a rack full of magazines they were giving away. I frequent a library near my house because they have a room full of free books just waiting to be brought home and placed on my bookshelf. I've had to resist going into used bookstores when I haven't specifically set aside money specifically for buying books, because I'll happily spend my food budget on books and just eat Ramen and macaroni and cheese instead.

I never really thought it was an issue. In fact, I've always loved that part of myself - the side of me that is more than content to sit in front of my parents' wood-burning stove with a good book and just read all afternoon. I love throwing a blanket over the picnic table and laying in the sun reading a well-worn and much-loved book. I don't fully understand, but thoroughly enjoy the fact that one of the things that calms me the most is to just bury my face in the binding between the pages of a book. I love that, for however long or short I read, I am transported to another place. To another world or another time, where vivid pictures of people and places dance through my mind.
Knowing all this, it's no surprise that I often spend time at friends' houses standing in front of their bookshelves. I look at every book. Every title. Every author. Sometimes, I leave with a few of their books, anxiously borrowed in anticipation of an afternoon (or, let's face it, a night) spent lost in a new adventure.

Today, I was walking through the halls at school, in the extra 45 minutes between when I finished my geography test and when the lecture part of the class started. I walked past an older gentleman sitting in a chair reading a book. I have no idea what book it was. There was no jacket, and the cover was one of those generic dark materials that adorns hardcover books. As I walked past him, I was suddenly struck with this unbelievable urge to snatch the book from his hands and take it home to read it myself.
Let me repeat that, for any of you who may have missed what I just said.
I almost walked up to an elderly man whom I've never met and snatched from his hands a completely unknown book, simply so I could take it home and read it myself.
What kind of person am I!?!?!?
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I noticed a box set up in the hallway for students to donate textbooks (and probably other books) to be donated to people who don't have/can't afford books, and to help literacy. And I had to remind myself that I didn't fit that particular "needy" category.
...I think I have a problem...

What's My Deal!?!?

2010-02-18T16:59:00.000-05:00

I’ve been floundering around for a while, trying to figure out myself and my life and where I’m going and what I’m doing in this world. I’ve been trying to come to terms with part of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Trying to make myself ok with parts of myself I’ve been too scared to express for far too long. Trying to believe that it’s OK to have an opinion. That there’s nothing wrong with chasing down the things I want, the people I want, the dreams I’ve had. Trying to remind myself that it’s OK to have and improve and use this brain in my head.

Trying to convince myself that my personality is my personality and that it’s ok. That it won't hinder any friendships or new relationships or even just negatively impact anyone's opinion of me.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of.
I’ve been me for the last 25 and a half years. Why should I be afraid of me? Or more accurately… Why am I so afraid to be me?

I’ve always been one to keep the peace. I like it that way. Tell me what it takes to make you happy, and as long as it’s not unreasonable, I’ll do it. And if I’m not sure what you want to do, I’ll just pretend like I don’t care at all. It’s not that I want to seem like an indecisive airhead (which, I realize, is what happens) - it’s that I’d rather not have a strong opinion than have one you don’t like. I’m also known to agree to do something I don’t really want to do. Because I’d rather do that than have you not like what I want.

I’m not sure why I’m like this.
I don’t know why I’m afraid of my own opinions.

Or why I’m afraid to be proactive. I mean…it shouldn’t be so difficult for me to just go for what I want. So…why is it? Why am I afraid of seeming push or clingy whenever I want to initiate any sort of social interaction? Isn’t wanting to see each other often kind of a big part of friendship?

And since when is intelligence a bad thing? How come I’m afraid to sound smart sometimes? Do I really think that the fact that I have a brain and am going to school will count against me in forming any relationships?

I don’t know why I’m so insecure. I really don’t have any reason to be. I’ve got great friends and a huge but very supportive family. I’ve never had anyone say they thought opinions, proactivity, or intelligence were bad things.

So why do I think so? My friends are amazing people. Some of them have been around since I was a kid. Some have been friends since high school or college. Some from various jobs. And some of my closest friends are from the roughest time in my life. They’ve seen me at my best. Seen me at my worst. Laughed with me; cried with me. Stayed at my house; let me stay at theirs.

If I’ve managed to find friends who can stand by me as I lose my job, my car, my apartment, my independence, and my pride… Why do I think they won’t want me to be strong, independent, intelligent, and decisive? And why do I think I can’t find new friends who will do the same?

I mean… Any real friends would love me regardless.

…Right?

Dear Boy

2010-02-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

So...
I was going through an envelope of homework I did while in high school. One of the things I found was a "Dear Boy" letter I had to write in Bible class.
And I decided to put it here. Because some of it is promises that I've made, and need to remind myself of over and over, so I don't forget them when the time is right. And some of it are things that every girl wants the man she loves to know. Some of the details are ridiculously out of date, but...the premise is the same. So...just bear with me here. Thanks. :-)

*~*~*~*~*

Dear Boy,

I have no idea who you are, where you live, or even what your name is. I don't know how or when I'll meet you, but I know it will all be right.
I want you to know that I'll love you, no matter what you're like.
I hope you'll remember that my birthday is in September, not in May, and that I like baseball, not basketball. Even if you don't remember, I'll still love you, but it would be nice if you knew.
I promise to remember what sport you play, and what position, and I'll never forget your number. I swear I won't hate you, even if you like the Red Sox, although I may tease you a bit. Just remember I like the Yankees.
I promise not to compare you to other guys, and I hope you'll try not to compare me to other girls.
Please remember that I need you to hold me, even if nothing looks wrong. And if you ask if something's wrong and I say no, I'm probably lying, so hold me anyway.
I promise that, while you're skateboarding or whatever else guys do, I won't worry about you (too much). I'll do my best to keep your friends' names straight, if you'll do the same for mine.
If I cry, please don't see me as weak or pathetic - just hold me close and love me. If you cry, I'll do the same.
I hope you'll love me for who I am, not for who you can make me. Please understand that, while I like Backstreet Boys and Plus One, I'll love you that much more, so please don't call them gay.
Please realize that, while I'll go to a hockey game with you a hundred times, I'd like to go see a movie with you, too, even just once or twice.
If we break up, I'll still love you, though I will be hurt. I'll get over it, and I'll still want to be your friend, if you'll let me.
Just promise me you love me, and I'll do my best to never let you down.
Please know that I pray for you all the time.
I love you.

~Kim

P.S. Happy Valentines Day!

2010-02-14T11:07:00.000-05:00

If I danced, I'd be doing it today.
I'm not 100% sure why the urge is so strong...but...I'm in a really good mood today.
:-)

In the meantime...Here's a song I can't get out of my head...

<3

Love/Hate

2010-02-08T13:10:00.000-05:00

I hate you.
I love you.
I need to get rid of you.
I can't let you go.
I'm so tired of your lies.
I hope you mean them all.
I'm never in as much pain or confusion as when you're around.
I never see the sun shine as bright as when you're around.
I hate that you know exactly what buttons to push.
I love that you know me so well.
I hate that I can never stay mad at you, even when you treat me like shit.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I hate that you keep coming back only when you aren't happy.
I love that you keep coming back when you're not happy.
I hate that I can't get your face out of my mind.
I love that I can always see your smile.
I hate that you only say "us" when you know I'm on the brink of walking away.
I love that you keep coming back to "us."
I'm so tired of your lies.
I hope you mean them all.
I need to get rid of you.
I can't let you go.
I hate you.
I love you.

Things I'm Thankful For Today

2009-12-25T16:24:00.004-05:00

My family being together today

My new blue-with-hearts slippers
The blue-and-white hat and scarf my Gramma crocheted for me
My new HP laptop and flash drive
The laptop carrying case with Donald Duck
The 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th books in the Harry Potter series (to go with the 7th book I already own)
The Sony Cyber-Shot digital camera and memory card
My new fuzzy blanket with Perry the Platypus on it
A brown purse with a blue K on it
The candy in my stocking

And did I mention having my family here? Including Crystal and Gramma??

:-D

It's been a good day. EVERYTHING was perfect. :-)

Quickly...

2009-12-21T01:37:00.001-05:00

I wonder how the girl who doesn't ever want to settle for anything less than exactly what she wants seems to be the same girl who doesn't ever demand exactly what she wants, and therefore never gets it because she'd rather keep peace with the people around her...

Found While Cleaning

2009-12-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you who doubted how incredibly tedious and boring my days were at my data entry position...
I've been cleaning my room today, and I stumbled across a "diary" I kept one day.
See for yourself:

Monday 4/13
I clocked in for work at 7:05. I never told my boss I'll be coming in early all week...hope he doesn't mind... All set & started my work at 7:10.

7:20 - I'm done. I've finished/caught up on Friday's numbers, and have nothing to do, because no one else is here yet today. I sure hope I'm not supposed to be in another area of these programs... But then again...that would give me something to do while I wait for there to be data to enter... I can't decide whether or not to be guilty about the face that I'm getting paid to sit here and listen to morning radio shows.

8:00 - Still nothing to do. I'm beginning to wonder why on earth they offered me overtime, since I really don't have enough work to last the normal eight-hour day, nevermind extra time. I also think I'm the only one in my area who came in early. I only saw one other girl on the floor when I came into the office, and I still don't hear the scanners running...

8:20 - I decided to switch back & forth with another computer so I can run a verify program. But the other computer (the only one I can use)is agonizingly slow, so it's not going too much better. I'm still bored, just in shorter intervals.

8:25 Nevermind. I don't know what I'm doing on the verify program. Guess I'll be bored and doing nothing again...

8:55 - I've finally had work to do. It's been 1-4 entries every minute or two for the last 5-10 minutes. Still leaves lots of free time, but it's not as mind-nimbingly dull as earlier. Now...to convince the radio to play different music than the same 20 songs it played all day Friday...

9:30 - My boss came in earlier. I asked him if I should be doing something else... He says no, I just have to sit tight and wait for work to come through. Well...at least now I have my supervisor's word that I don't have anything else to do...

10:05 - 5 minutes left to my morning break, but I'm already inside. It's cold in this office, and I can feel the cold flickering over my body, chasing away the delicious warmth from the sun. Maybe I'll take a book outside later...I miss the way the sun feels on my skin... One of the many reasons I wish I was back in Tampa.

11:05 - Wow... Every time I go to the bathroom here, the smell sends me right back to high school. It doesn't stink...just smells...like CCS's stalls. Lol. I've been working on and off since my break. That, and texting the ex. I find more comfort in talking to him & having him around than I should. Call me cruel, but I've had to start thinking of him as my "safety school" so I don't let myself get carried away thinking of him as a possibility to be more than a friend, when I've outlined the reasons why that's a bad idea many times. *sigh* I'll get it through my own head one of these days...

1:25 - 11 to 11:30 seems to fly by every day. Not that I'm complaining...Work is still slow with spurts of busy times, normally for under 5 minutes. But I've managed to get in some good conversations with my sister and my ex. Plus write this up, so the morning hasn't been a total loss. :-P

3:40 - The floor supervisor showed me how to verify my barcodes on another computer at about 2:15. I've spent the last hour and a half scooting between the two computers, running three programs at once. It only took me that long to verify ALL my work from Friday and today. *sigh* Back to boredom, I guess...

4:10 - The last half-hour has DRAGGED. Not looking much better for the next 20 minutes. At least that's all I have left... I keep rocking myself until I almost fall asleep, and then it takes ages to actually wake up again. Maybe I should get to bed at a more reasonable time from now on...

They're All Like Snowflakes

2009-12-14T00:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm stealing a blog again.

Heather posted a quick note about this site, One in 8 Million. I opened it up with the intention of only watching the couple that she specifically linked to, but I realized quickly that that wasn't enough.
I love people. I love what they think. I love their stories. I love to learn about what motivates them...why they do what they do...why they've made the changes they've made... So this project is absolutely captivating to me.
To think that all of these people are in one city blows my mind. They all live within very few miles, when you think about the size of this country, and yet each story is as different as the ice crystals that form snowflakes.
What other stories could we get if this was a nationwide project!?!?

Hopefully, you'll like it too.

P.S. This is part of why I love NYC.

Where My Own Stubbornness Almost Makes Me Miss Out...

2009-11-17T12:58:00.007-05:00

I'm always reluctant to jump on someone else's bandwagon. Especially when it comes to music and movies. (Just ask my sister.)

What? You have this new song I should listen to and fall in love with?
Pssh...please. I've got a CD collection that has everything in it from Eminem to Taylor Swift, Josh Groban to Gravediggers, Steven Curtis Chapman to the Newsies soundtrack, 3 Doors Down to Three Days Grace, Switchfoot to Santana, Simon and Garfunkel to Sara Bareilles. And everything in between. And on my computer? I have more music than I could listen to in a week and more Owl City songs than the band members themselves. What could you possibly have that's better than what I've already got?

A new movie I should see, you say?
Ha! You obviously haven't seen the shelf of movies I already own. A collection with such treasures as Saving Private Ryan, Pearl Harbor, the Lord of the Rings series, all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Because I Said So, and Mirrors. Also in that mix are the Shrek movies, Zack and Miri Make A Porno, A Knight's Tale, Surf Ninjas, and Benchwarmers. To name just a few. Don't tell me about good movies. I've got plenty, and I don't need yours, thank you very much.

So when one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world (who was also my arch-nemesis for a day when she tricked me into watching Casablanca, even when I adamantly stated for months that I'd never watch it) started talking about a song she loved, naturally, I was wary.
She posted it on Facebook, but I ignored it. I might as well have never seen it.
She talked about it on Twitter, and my resolve weakened a little. I actually opened the video in another window. But once I saw the name, I closed it without giving it a chance. "We have different taste," I told myself. "Doesn't sound like something I'd like."
But when I saw it again on her blog, I decided to bite the bullet and suffer through the almost-four minute video. How bad could it be? She seemed to be pretty passionate about it. What did I have to lose, besides four minutes of my time?

Turns out, I lost eight minutes of my time to that song. Because I had to watch the video twice.

My dear friend Heather did the song more justice than I ever could by saying "When music critics talk about haunting and melodic, this is what they should be referring to. I haven't been able to get this out of my head since the first time I listened to it."
And it's true. I've tried listening to other music, and I just can't get this song out of my head, either.

So...I share this video with you. My dear friends. And I hope that you're not as much of a pain in the ass about new music as I am, because I almost missed out on an awesome song by a great band. And that would have been sad.

And if you go here, you can get a free download.
P.S. "Free download" in my mind = one song. NOT SO!! These guys are so awesome, they'll give you a whole CD!!! How amazing is that!?!?

Homework

2009-11-05T15:07:00.001-05:00

So... In my stats class, I'm required to make a survey.

I also have to test-run it before I turn the link in to my professor.
So I'm asking for help.

If you're willing to pretend you're an idiot, to help me idiot-proof this survey, PLEASE click the link below.

Thanks!!!!!

Click Here to take survey

**EDIT: The survey has been handed in. So your participation, while welcome, is no longer absolutely vital to my survival. ;-) Thanks, guys!!!**

My Legacy to Leave...?

2009-11-04T18:48:00.002-05:00

So...
I had a moment in psych the other day that made me stop and think about my life and what I hope to pass onto my kids (or at least those I spend a lot of time with).
Actually, that was the point of the exercise. My professor asked each of us to come up with one thing, one saying, one idea that we'd like to pass on to future generations. What is it that, when they think of me and the values I tried to instill, would come to mind?

I thought pretty hard about it, actually. What do I want people to think about, when they think of me? What did I think was important that they remember?

As the professor went around the room, having everyone say their answer out loud, I was honestly shocked. All 15 other members said things about how important it is to finish your education or to follow the golden rule. And while I agree with both those sentiments, not once did they cross my mind. Not once.
And I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

Because my answer was:
It's OK to make mistakes. It's how recover from them that defines you. And whatever it is that you choose to do, be sure to do it with your whole heart.

Now, I said that because I believe it.
And it's not like I don't think education or the golden rule are important. They certainly are. But...those are a given for me. Of course you need to get an education. Of course you should be treating others well. Those should be second nature. So...that's not what I want 'my thing' to be.
When I'm gone, and people remember me, I want them to remember more than the golden rule. I want them to remember that I encouraged them to make mistakes and then learn from them; to be themselves - more than that, to find themselves; to do what makes them truly happy, not just happy for the moment; and to be wholehearted in every aspect of life.
I hope I already live that...or at least encourage that.

So...I'm thinking that I'll either be a really good parent...or a really bad one.
:-/

Trying To Do Good

2009-11-03T03:52:00.003-05:00

So...

I always feel like I'm not doing enough to contribute to the world and my community.
I'm trying to figure out ways I can do that, but not having a car or an income makes everything a bit more challenging. Not impossible, but more challenging for sure.

Anyway... I found one small way to make a difference. And I know that this comes nowhere near making the impact I'd like to make...but at least it's something.

Which is why I bookmarked The Hunger Site on my toolbar. And I try to make an effort to visit it every day.
On that page, they also have links to support breast cancer research, helping children get health care, improving literacy, protect the environment, and support animal rescue.
What happens is, there's a huge button at the top of each tab on that page. You click the button, and their sponsors donate X-amount of whatever, whether it's funds, books, food, towards whatever cause's tab you were on.
There are also ads for clothes, jewelry, knick-knacks, you name it, on the page. For everything you buy in the stores on the site, even more funds are donated to the causes.
(Go ahead and check it out on Snopes if you want - I did.)

I also frequent FreeRice.com. There, you get to take mini-quizzes on a variety of subjects. You can choose to be asked about art, grammar, vocabulary, foreign languages, chemistry, geography, or math. And for every question you get right, ten grains of rice is donated to hungry people by advertisers on the site. And if you think that ten grains isn't a lot, trust me when I say to you that the questions are addictive. You'll answer more than you realize.
Plus, as you help contribute to feeding hungry people all over the world, you're improving your own mind and intelligence. So it really seems like a win-win.
(Yeah, they've been checked out on Snopes, too.)

Anyway... I know I can do more. And I want to do more. But I try to do this, too. Because every little bit counts. And if I can even cause one cup of food to be donated to hungry people...that's one more person who'll have a little bit more to eat. And that's an impact.
And I thought that, just maybe, even if only one person who reads this actually goes to one of those sites and tries to be regular there, as well... Well, if one cup of food can make a difference...two can make twice the impact. And it can only grow from there.

So...I'm stepping off my soapbox now.
I've just felt compelled to post this for a while now, and I decided to finally post it before I put it off for who-knows-how-long.

<3