Armchair Bike Fan

Farewell, Shoya.

2010-09-07T16:32:00.002+01:00

We'll always remember your smiles, Tomizawa-san.

Bologna Bail-Out! Ducati Quit WSBK!

2010-08-27T17:18:00.003+01:00

Next year's World Superbike Championship will see no factory Ducati team for the first time ever. After blowing megabucks signing Valentino Rossi in MotoGP, the Bologna bike builder have bailed out of production-based racing.

For a long, long time, the Italian-owned World Superbike Championship revolved around Ducati's cheat on Sunday, sell not very much on Monday strategy. Rules were rigged and re-rigged to make sure the power-lacking V-twin Ducati motors had a chance against the howling Japanese bikes. This led to about a million championship victories for British and Australian Ducati riders, usually with a capacity or technology advantage over the Japanese Rice Rockets.

The only manufacturer to beat them at their own game was Honda, when they built a homologation special V-twin at monstrous expense, and Colin Edwards, a truly outstanding Superbike rider, won two world championships on it. Against Troy Bayliss (i.e. proper competition).

However, the Dukes have looked more like Ducks this season, waddling aimlessly around the farmyard that is the WSBK paddock. The BMW team stole legendary Ducati team manager and ex-rider Davide Tardozzi, and pilfered a few Ducati data engineers too. This year's Ducati 1198 has been very poor, despite its 200cc capacity advantage, and will be replaced with a completely different bike. The team's riders, Haga and Fabrizio, are a has-been and a never-was.

To top it all, the WSBK organizers have a new love: Aprilia. The other Italian factory were booted out of the 250 Grand Prix championship when it was replaced with Moto2. WSBK welcomed them with open arms, giving them the position of chief cheats by letting them run aftermarket valve gear. They are now heading for a title victory with their old boy Max Biaggi.

Fact is, there are two reasons for Ducati's escape from MotoGP.

Firstly, they have put all their eggs in the MotoGP basket by hiring Valentino Rossi. It's a match made in heaven for all of Italy. They simply don't need WSBK to sell bikes any more.

Secondly, their long marriage with WSBK has come to an end. While Ducati helped World Supers through some tough times, now the production championship is in rude health, and the Ducati bike isn't the one to have. Although people are bound to go around saying things like "WSBK without Ducati is like Boremula One without Ferrari", it's not that big a deal. There are plenty more manufacturers out there, and they're all in World Supers.

It's over. They may well be back. They may well have a semi-factory team like the Japanese factories run, where a national importer gets a bit of technical help but not much cash. It'll be strange, but Ducati have been AWOL in World Supers this year anyway. Bye Bye, Bologna.

Valentino Rossi Rides Again!

2010-07-14T20:57:00.003+01:00

Good news, everyone! Valentino Rossi, The Doctor, has self-diagnosed himself fit and ready to return to MotoGP at the Sachsenring in Germany.

This comes after he went for a bit of a play on a World Superbike Yamaha R1 round the awesome Brno track in the Czech Republic. And lapped at the same pace as the boys in World Supers did the previous day.

That Rossi character is rather quick on a motorcycle.

He set those fast laps despite his leg being held together with chunks of metal and his shoulder barely being connected at all.

MotoGP just isn't the same without Valentino, even though I'm a fan of Jorge, Dani, Casey and potential alien Ben Spies. I for one can't wait to see how he goes in East Germany in his crocked state. Will we see an understandably mediocre performance (i.e. about 40 seconds faster over the race distance than his replacement, Yoda, or whoever he is,) or will we see something special?

Either way, all eyes will be on Valentino. And will he announce his signing for Ducati? The Italian factory will be keen to grab some publicity after losing their quick but whiny alien Casey Stoner to Honda. Could this be the time they choose to reveal that they've signed Rossi to ride the Bologna Bullet? Most Italian MotoGP fans will be wearing their rosary beads down to the string praying for the Rossi-Ducati move to be confirmed. And nearly everyone else wants to see it too.

Can the Greatest Of All Time win top class championships on three different manufacturers' machines? Can Casey be as wickedly quick as he was on a Honda 990, but without the crashes? Can Jorge win the title against a fit Valentino Rossi? Can Dani Pedrosa win more than 3 races in a year? There's only one way to find out.... FIGHT!!!

Valentino Rossi Back On A Bike Already

2010-07-10T08:25:00.001+01:00

Valentino Rossi has demonstrated his superhuman powers of healing by riding a motorcycle around his local track, Misano.

"The Doctor" wanted to try riding in order to see whether he could return to MotoGP at Sachsenring, on the grounds that it's not a very tough track physically and even if his leg fell off on the grid he'd still be about 12 seconds a lap faster than his Japanese no-hoper replacement.

It was reported that Valentino would be riding a street bike, but it turned out to be a Yamaha Italia World Superbike. In other words, a 200+bhp fire-breathing monster that bears only a passing resemblance to the street bike it's based on. (WSBK machines aren't far off MotoGP power levels or top speeds, but are a bit heavier and have larger, more torquey engines. They run full race suspension, the forks and swingarm of the donor roadbike having been chucked into a convenient skip.)

The hobbling Italian managed to lap just over a second slower than regular Yamaha Italia rider Cal Crutchlow did on an identical bike in the WSBK meeting at Misano, which is hugely impressive, because although Cal is familiar with gravel traps the world over, he's eye-wateringly quick on a flying lap and has bagged a few WSBK pole positions this year. (Rossi may have been riding on snazzy Bridgestone tyres rather than the usual WSBK Pirellis, but even so it was a great lap time.)

This means that Rossi knows he's quick enough to race at Sachsenring without making a complete horse's arse of himself, so it's just a question of stamina. The German track is short, so there are about a million laps. On the plus side, it isn't unknown for the weather to be pissing down in East Germany on race weekend. A wet race would be a massive boost as Rossi wouldn't have to put up with the full force of acceleration, cornering and braking as he would on a dry track.

What we've learned from this is that Rossi is a proper nutter who loves racing bikes. OK, we knew that stuff already, but it's impressive nevertheless.

The only question is, when does he announce his shock move to Ducati?

BBC Screw MotoGP Viewers, Again!

2010-06-23T19:05:00.004+01:00

The BBC have managed to screw its MotoGP fans for the severalth time, by putting the coverage of Saturday's Assen round of the MotoGP championship on the red button interactive service.

This is because the bike racing clashes with the football world cup and Wimbledon tennis.

It's a tad odd, since the BBC have two channels to show stuff on. Arguments that they can't put sports on both channels at the same time are blatant bollocks, as they regularly spew their Womblesville tennis coverage on both channels. One channel is probably showing highlights of Britain's Great Hope losing in straight sets, while the other channel will be showing a dull match between a couple of Johnny Foreigners that nobody's ever heard of. At least if John McEnroe would lose it and start trashing the studio, tennis might be interesting. But he doesn't, and it isn't.

The good news is that British Eurosport have been permitted to show the MotoGP race live (they usually show it delayed). This means that we will be able to watch live coverage, only occasionally interrupted by crap adverts, hosted by the hugely knowledgeable Jules Ryder and his sidekick, the Alan Partridge impersonator. They may be joined by some halfwit celebrity and/or Neil "You are feeling very sleepy after listening to my voice for 3 seconds" Spalding.

However, for people without a satellite or cable subscription, it's the BBC red button or nowt. At least the race will be available afterwards on the internet on the BBC iPlayer service, for all those fans of the Beeb coverage and its commentators.

Which reminds me, have you heard of the drinking game you can play when watching the MotoGP race on the BBC? Whenever there are only 14 riders left and Charlie Cox tells Steve Parrish to get out there on his scooter so he can pick up a point, you throw your beer at the screen.

MotoGP Rocked by Rossi Crocked Shock

2010-06-05T15:55:00.004+01:00

Valentino Rossi was practicing for his 231st straight Grand Prix motorcycle race when his luck finally ran out. "The Doctor" will be under the care of real doctors for some time while he recovers from serious injury.

The 9 time world champion was taking part in a practice session for Sunday's MotoGP race at Mugello when he suffered one of the worst crashes we've seen this year. The FIAT Yamaha M1 brutally highsided the Italian, flinging him high into the air at 120mph before he slammed into the tarmac and tumbled violently through a gravel trap.

When he came to rest, Rossi was lying in agony, clutching his badly broken lower leg. Some of the thousands of yellow-clad Valentino Rossi fans were in tears of shock as they watched their hero writhe in pain. Valentino did manage a wave to the crowd as he was loaded into the medevac helicopter, presumably after a decent dose of strong painkillers.

Surgeons have now operated to bolt Rossi's leg back together and stitch the wound shut. Even in the deranged world of motorcycle racing medicine, this is a serious injury, and it will be at least 6 to 8 weeks before the champ can race again. This would mean missing at least 4 races, so his title ambitions are in tatters.

As Rossi has never missed a GP race before, it is impossible to tell how eager he will be to return. Will he come back too early, as most racers try to do? Or will he take it easy and try to heal fully, as cheating F1 champ Michael Schumacher did when he broke his lower leg. (Legend has it that Schumacher was in no hurry to race with no championship chances, and was finally ordered back into the car when the boss of Ferrari called and his kid answered the phone, saying "Daddy's just getting his football boots.")

It'll be very strange watching MotoGP, knowing that the Greatest Of All Time is sitting at home watching the race on telly with Uccio and a couple of chilled bottles of Nastro Azzurro.

Jorge Lorenzo looks like a major favourite for this year's MotoGP title (he was already kicking Rossi's ass before the injury.) Dani Pedrosa is still struggling to tame the Repsol Honda, and Casey Stoner is still flinging the Ducati at every gravel trap in sight.

It'll be hard for Rossi to watch, especially if his team-mate snatches the title.

Get well soon, Valentino.

Neil Hodgson Retires

2010-04-28T20:34:00.003+01:00

The nice guy of British bike racing, Neil Hodgson, has been forced to retire after "doing a Foggy" and knackering his shoulder altogether.

The immensely likeable Lancashire lad (Hodgson, not Foggy) is a former World Superbike champion, who also raced in BSB, AMA and MotoGP.

Last year, while he was riding in AMA, he was doing some motocross training when the bike spat him off and he landed on his shoulder, doing serious damage. Hodgson decided to return to British Superbike, but had a disaster in practise for the first round at Brands Hatch when he highsided on a cold tyre, landing on that same shoulder again.

Sadly, it was curtains for his motorcycle racing career. Neil reported that his shoulder should recover most of its function over the next couple of years, but his bike racing days are over.

It's a very sad day for British bike racing. Some people have slagged Hodgson for winning the WSBK title by sheer dumb luck, finding himself on a factory Ducati on Michelin tyres when nobody on another bike or tyres could win a race. But Hodge didn't find his factory Ducati contract in a box of cornflakes. He earned it through talent and determination. Winning the BSB title in 2000 helped his GSE Ducati team decide to move up to WSBK the following year. A couple of years as a bloody quick privateer with a win and tons of podiums led to the Ducati ride. (Those results being in the Bayliss-Edwards years, and riding wheel to wheel with those guys is no mean feat.)

His only real competition for the WSBK title was his team-mate Ruben Xaus. OK, the crazy Catalan, nicknamed Ruben Chaos, did tend to fling his bike at every gravel trap he passed by, but he was seriously quick.

The pair of them were both promoted to the first satellite Ducati MotoGP team, but the bikes were second rate and the team was fourth rate, and surrounded by non-stop rumours of [cough] financial [ahem] issues.

So Hodgson was no muppet on a bike. I'd be amazed if Neil wasn't appearing on our TV screens on a regular basis. He's been there and done that, raced all over the world, and he's quite simply one of the most likeable characters in bike racing. Good luck in the future, Neil.

BSB: Disaster for Ellison With Broken Leg

2010-04-18T15:30:00.003+01:00

The Kendal Beefcake, James Ellison, has had a great start to this year's British Superbike season. But it all went wrong in practise at Thruxton when he fell off (while sitting at the top of the timesheets) and broke his femur.

The male model looking Cumbrian had returned to the Swan Honda team for this year and was looking like a major title challenger. Due to the crazy new rule package for BSB this year, it's not completely out of the question that he could win the title this year, but it's a huge ask. He would have to make a miracle recovery from his leg break and rack up tons of points to qualify for the top 6 shoot-out.

So, incredibly unlikely, but not impossible. Even with a clean break, a femur injury usually means that the rider's season is over. Sure, he might get back racing towards the end of the year, but it's usually a big struggle to be quick over a race distance (as friendly frog Sylvain Guintoli found out).

Ellison will have to spend the next few weeks watching TV and moaning about how rich he isn't.

Get well soon, James.

MotoGP Qatar 2010 Winners and Losers

2010-04-12T14:01:00.003+01:00

MotoGP finally decided to grace us with its presence, at the Losail circuit in the desert of Qatar, run pointlessly in the dark as always. Here is a roundup of the winners and losers.

Winners:

MotoGP. Yep, the series threatened a snoozefest but surprised us all with a reasonably cool race, with overtaking for the lead, of all things. A very promising start to the year.

Valentino Rossi. The 9 times champ was beaten to pole position by Casey Stoner, and his Yamaha was slower than a recalcitrant camel down the ludicrous 1 kilometre front straight, but Vale still battled to the victory. To top that, his bike ran out of fuel on the slowdown lap, so he first of all rode majestically on top of the bike as it was trailered back to the pitlane, then stole a scooter to make his fashionably late appearance in parc ferme. The boy's still got it.

Jorge Lorenzo. Despite his right thumb being attached to his hand with bubblegum and staples, the deranged Spaniard grabbed 2nd place late on. This boy's still got it too.

Andrea Dovizioso. A podium for Dovi, and he kicked the tiny derrière of his team-mate in the process.

Nicky Hayden. Lost out on a podium by less than a hundredth of a second after being drafted by Dovi's Honda missile. A brilliant return to form by the Kentucky Kid, helped by the now-rideable Ducati with its new big-bang engine. I'm not a betting man, but if I was, I'd be putting a few quid on Nicky to win at Laguna this year.

Honda. Damn, this bike's quick in a straight line, and quick off corners too.

Ducati. OK, most of them crashed, but the new engine seems to have made the bike rideable. If only they'd invented this engine before they destroyed Marco Melandri.

Ben Spies. Benny Elbowz made a fantastic start to the year with 5th place, and looks like he belongs in MotoGP. Let's not get ahead of ourselves yet, though. A great performance in Qatar with some bruising overtakes did sod all for James Toseland after all...

Moto2. The feeder category was slagged by all and sundry, denounced as a pathetic replacement for the 250GP category so beloved of the purists. They were all wrong. The little 600cc 4-stroke bikes (less power than a World Supersport bike, but about 35kg lighter) provided great entertainment. They all have the same engines but there are something like 15 chassis manufacturers. A brilliant addition to the Grand Prix circus.

Losers

Casey Stoner. Fell off with Valentino Rossi pressing him, which has happened a few times. Should've had the race in the bag, but there are no points for chucking your bike down the street. Still a major title challenger, but he'll have to stay on the bike.

Dani Pedrosa. The microscopic matador had a great start, but it all unravelled as the race went on. He just can't get on with the new Honda chassis, unlike his Italian team-mate. The danger is that with his contract ending soon, and Dovi battling for wins, HRC will just tell Dani to sod off and refuse to change the bike to suit him.

Ducati. Yep, winners and losers at the same time. With its new, less peaky engine, the Bologna Bullet now goes round corners, and suits the all-action style of Nicky Hayden, but it's nowt special in a straight line any more.

Colin Edwards. The Texan Tornado got his rear end solidly booted by his fellow Texan, Benny Elbowz, on an identical bike. Not a good start to the year. The hugely likeable Edwards will have to spend less time starring in painfully funny "Man-cation" videos with Spies, and more time beating him on track.

WSBK: Phillip Island, Young and Old

2010-02-28T20:13:00.003Z

The victories at the season opening meeting of the World Superbike championship in Australia were shared between Leon Haslam and Carlos Checa.

Haslam the Younger was the quickest rider all weekend. After taking his debut superpole, he took his debut race win in race one on his Alstare Suzuki. Xerox Ducati's erratic young nutter Michel Fabrizio trundled over the line after a wait of four thousandths of a second, with team-mate Nitro Nori Haga 3rd.

In race two, it was Catalan codger Carlos Checa who took the victory on his privateer Althea Ducati, snatching the lead into MG corner on the last lap and forcing Haslam to settle for 2nd place with Fabrizio 3rd.

This looks like being an outstanding year for WSBK. The sheer depth of talent is arguably the best in the history of World Supers, with National and World champions stretching halfway down the field. The Ducatis are as quick as always (presumably having surreptitiously screwed a few more horsepower out of their overbored homologation specials, as always.) The Suzukis are also hella quick. Both Haslam and Guintoli led the second race, and look like making a great team. In fact, all of the factory and semi-factory teams (7 in all) have damn good riders who showed well in flashes at least.

It wasn't that surprising to see the Kawasakis being fairly slow after good starts, or the BMW of Ruben Xaus being AWOL after the nutty Spaniard had crashed at every opportunity in practise and failed to make the grid. However, the biggest disappointment was the Yamaha Italia squad. Both Crutchlow and Toseland flung their bikes at the scenery in race one, while they were fairly mediocre in race two, bearing in mind how Benny Elbowz ruled the championship for Yamaha last year.

Next time out it's the magnificent Portimao circuit in Portugal. With the field this closely packed, the rollercoaster hills and turns of that track should bring great racing.

WSBK: Phillip Island Qually 2010

2010-02-27T18:06:00.003Z

The "Pocket Rocket", Leon Haslam, finally came of age in Australia in qualifying for the first World Superbike race of the 2010 season, bagging his first ever pole position on the world stage.

The stocky young Englishman was on blistering form throughout qualifying, wrestling the howling 1000cc Suzuki machine to pole position, fastest in every one of the three final qualifying sessions. It was a magnificent performance for the lad who has previously been best known for his "always the bridesmaid" performances in British Superbike.

Haslam is nicknamed "Pocket Rocket" in honour of his father, "Rocket" Ron Haslam, who never really achieved the results on the world stage that he probably deserved, but was ludicrously quick, particularly on the first lap on cold tyres in 500cc GP races. The Haslam name is now back in the record books.

Flakey Italian Michel Fabrizio, who can't quite decide if he's jaw-droppingly quick or a bloody idiot, took second place by the tiniest of margins, less than two hundredths of a second. Can the young Italian Ducati rider keep this up over a whole season to bag the title? History would say no, but it's hard to say.

Up and coming English nutcase Cal Crutchlow grabbed 3rd place. The World Supersport champion was damn quick, if a tad erratic, in British Superbike, and he returned to 1000cc machines like a duck to water. He was quick all round the lap, and downright terrifying out of the last corner. It was great to see his father in charge of the pit board too, complete with enormous moustache.

The front row was rounded out by serial crasher Carlos Checa on a privateer Ducati.

It's looking good for the race.

2010 BSB Rules: Love 'em or Hate 'em!

2010-02-09T19:40:00.004Z

The British Superbike Championship will have a new points scoring system for 2010, and it has caused interest and outrage across the interweb. Half of the people simply don't understand what on earth the rules mean, and half of the half that understand it are outraged. The rest are in two minds...

Basically, the BSB has stolen ideas from the American NASCAR championship, and from the Scottish Premier League football (soccer) championship. I'll try to briefly outline what will happen:

For the first 9 race meetings of the season, the points scoring system will carry on as normal (25 for a win, 20 for 2nd place, etc). But after that, the top 6 in the championship will break away (Scottish football stylee) and use the remaining races as a shoot-out for the title (NASCAR, y'all!) Just to confuse things, two race scores will be dropped, so it's actually the points from 2 less than the best results of the first 9 race meetings that will decide which 6 will fight for 1st. (Simples!)

The poor unfortunates who are too slow / on slow bikes / have crashed too much to finish in the top 6 will just carry on fighting for 7th place as usual.

Now, it wouldn't be fair for some poor muppet to run up a huge championship lead in the first 9 races, only to end up on even terms with the other 5 superstars in the "shoot-out". This is where things get even more complicated.

The top 6 will be given 500 points to start the shoot-out. Then they will be given bonus points for the podium places they scored in the first 9 races. 3 points for a win, 2 for 2nd, 1 point for a 3rd place. That means that the championship leader will still lead the championship, but possibly by a hugely reduced number of points.

Some people are complaining that the guys in 7th place downwards have no chance of getting into the top 6 in the last few races. Now, Scottish football has done this for several years, and it's worked fine. Bear in mind that whilst motorcycle racers might indulge in the odd bout of fisticuffs, Scottish football fans are more fond of mass riots, and there hasn't been so much as a punch thrown over the "top 6 split" system. (Just a lot of moaning in pubs.)

My Take

I think this is interesting. The dropped score system was used in that most poncey of motorsports, Formula One, for some years back in the days of Psycho Senna and Pénible Prost, so it's hard to argue too much about it being unsporting. Looking through my 2010 BSB spectacles, I'd have to say that the entertainingly deranged convict Josh Brookes is the big winner through the dropped score rule, as he's most likely to have 2 DNF's to dispose of and therefore lose nothing. Stuart Easton will be the big loser, as his incredible consistency means he could be chucking a good 30 points away.

James Ellison will be a dark horse for the championship, having signed for Shaun Muir's Swan Honda team alongside teeny Scotsman Easton. The Kendal Beefcake is a pretty consistent rider, so ditching two scores probably won't make much difference to him either.

The thing I like about the new system is that it's based entirely on merit. Only the top 6 get into the shoot-out. That's fair enough, they didn't get into the top 6 by winning a scratchcard. They won't start level on points in the shoot-out, but will be separated by bonus points based on their performance so far in the season.

It's too bloody complicated, but I'll give it a chance. I like the idea of having lots of guys battling at the end of the season. The championship winner will have to fight right to the end. And he can't complain about that. Motorcycle racers love to race. Having the championship heavily loaded towards the end of the season will get their adrenaline flowing. It's good for them, they like it.

Qualifying

There's another interesting little tweak to the rules. The qualifying positions for race 1 will be decided in the qualifying session as usual. But the grid for race 2 will be based on fastest lap times for race 1.

Again, I like this. It's based on merit. It's not like the cretinous Touring Car way of doing things, where grids are reversed, allowing total no-hopers to win races by being very slow in the first race, end up randomly reversed to pole position in the next race, and win by being a rolling road block all race long. No, the new BSB rules mean that guys further down the grid can take pole, but only by setting fastest lap in race 1. No-hopers need not apply.

Some smart people have pointed out that in a wet-dry race, guys low down the order might come in, switch to slick tyres and set fastest lap. I say that'll be interesting, bring it on!

All in all, I'm going to give these new rules a go. They'll shake things up. Let's remember that Superbikes are all about entertainment. That's why there's 2 races in one day. That's why there's a knockout qualifying system (for race 1 anyway). Anything that might make things interesting all year is worth a shot.

MotoGP New Year's Resolutions 2010

2010-01-12T14:16:00.004Z

What New Year's Resolutions did the MotoGP riders make for this coming season? I exclusively reveal them:

Casey Stoner: Eat his greens.

Dani Pedrosa: Grow up to be a real boy this year.

Nicky Hayden: Contain his joy at the impending switch back to 1000cc bikes. Yeeee-haarrr!!!

Loris Capirossi: Grow old gracefully.

Andrea Dovizioso: Remind us what the hell he's doing on a factory HRC machine.

Randy de Puniet: Crash even less than last year.

Colin Edwards: Show Benny Elbowz the way it's done.

Ben Spies: Blow away the Texan Tornado.

Valentino Rossi: Give these kids another masterclass in winning championships. And tell F1 to screw itself again. And make up some better victory celebrations.

Jorge Lorenzo: Try to bounce when Rossi pressures him into a crash.

Alvaro Bautista: Make the Suzuki look more like a blue motorcycle than a brown, steaming turd.

Mika Kallio: Regain the consistency that nearly made him a 125cc champion (Damn Talmacsi!).

Aleix Espargaro: Show us that the satellite Duke isn't a graveyard for rookie dreams.

Hector Barbera: Prove he deserved that surprise call-up to GP from Aspar.

Hiroshi Aoyama: Show us that a Japanese rider can be a real contendah!

Marco Melandri: Regain the form that took him to 2nd in the championship back in the 990 era.

Marco Simoncelli: Kill Bart Simpson!

Donington Saved After All?

2010-01-04T16:19:00.004Z

The son of the late, great Tom Wheatcroft has announced that the Donington Park race track is back in family hands, and they will be working to return the track to raceable condition.

Outstanding news. I wish him all the best. Donington's a great track and let's hope we see bikes back racing on it in 2011.

So, Is Donington Park Finally Screwed?

2009-12-20T14:41:00.005Z

Boremula One has officially ditched the idea of going to Donington Park. So has MotoGP and British Superbike. World Superbikes are as yet undecided, but probably giving Donny the boot too. So is this beautiful English track finally screwed?

The history of Donington Park as a race track goes back to the 1930's. Now, I'm no fan of modern Formula One motor racing, but the old Grand Prix machines of the thirties are just bloody gorgeous. Grand Prix car racing in those days was dominated by the two main brands of Hitlermobile: Mercedes and Auto Union, known collectively as the Silver Arrows as they ran with bare metal bodyshells; the traditional German racing white paint would have added a couple of kilos to the weight of the car and was therefore omitted.

These two companies might have been Nazi-sponsored at the time (much of their engineering expertise went on to help out the German war effort) but their cars were technological marvels. The all conquering Mercedes machines were given a good run for their (Hitler-sourced) money by the much smaller Auto Union company (now Audi), whose outrageous rocket-fuelled, supercharged V16 cars were driven by geniuses such as former bike racer Tazio Nuvolari, the Italian who was a legend on two wheels and four. These German "Silver Arrows" were best known for having outrageous amounts of power and speed (200mph on the right track) but virtually no brakes whatsoever, and their drivers were heroes: Nuvolari, Rosemeyer, Caracciola, Lang, Seaman.

Donington hosted these magnificent machines until war broke out, at which point the parkland track was turned into a military depot. Decades later, it was revived and rebuilt by the late Tom Wheatcroft, becoming a race track again in the 1970's.

Holding British Championship races was good, but the track was extended with the Melbourne Loop to increase the length to world championship distance in 1985. (Named so because the loop extends towards the local village of Melbourne, not because of the Aussie city.) It might be a nadgery little Mickey Mouse section, but it allowed Donington Park to attract some proper championships. Boremula One visited once, when psychotic genius Ayrton Senna won in torrential rain, but more interestingly the track managed to bag Grand Prix motorcycle racing.

The track's parkland swooping curves and hills made for excellent bike racing, with the scary-fast Craner Curves at the start of the lap being especially exciting. The Melbourne Loop was daft, but very technically challenging, particularly where it rejoined the original track in the final left-hander, a bumpy, dodgily-cambered corner where many top racers have fallen off trying to shave a few thousandths of a second off their lap times. That was also the corner where Carl Fogarty, in a rare GP wildcard outing, hit the wrong gear and was passed by Scotsman Niall MacKenzie on the last lap, with Fogarty hilariously claiming he ran out of fuel, despite riding around the entire slowdown lap to the pits... It was also the site of the first premier class victory by a certain Signore Valentino Rossi.

Unfortunately, the track was leased from Tom Wheatcroft by some people without his foresight and business acumen.

These clowns embarked on a multi-million quid plan to attract Boremula One back. They dug up the track in preparation for creating a new track configuration. Then ran out of money.

The track's still dug up.

MotoGP has been attracted to Silverstone, who actually have the money to alter their track for MotoGP use and will do so. Their head honcho is Damon Hill, who might be a former F1 champ and son of another F1 champ, but he started out on bikes and retains an utterly genuine love for two-wheeled racing. Make no mistake that he will do the best by MotoGP. The Silverstone track also has plenty of GP bike racing history, including the legendary battle between Barry Sheene and Kenny Roberts, with the cheeky Englishman flicking the V sign at the grumpy Californian hero at high speed (King Kenny got his own back by winning the race.)

The British Superbike championship has also decided to skip Donington in 2010, incredibly choosing to have an extra round at the very dodgy Cadwell Park track, which is completely unsuited to modern superbikes but is certainly interesting.

The organizers of the World Superbike championship have not yet decided to bin their Donington round, but who knows? If the track is still a building site they will have no option but to skip it.

So is Donington Park finally screwed?

Well, for 2010, probably. But cynics are predicting that Jonathan Palmer, the former (not very quick) F1 driver who owns several British racetracks, will step in and snap up the Donington Park circuit, tart it up and bring it back to racing condition. It's not clear whether that will really happen, but we'll have to hope so. It was a great bike track and it can be again, if somebody spends several million pounds putting it back in the condition it was in before being trashed by pie in the sky dreams of F1. Here's hoping.

New Graziano Interview, Worth a Look

2009-12-09T19:13:00.002Z

Who's the coolest person in the MotoGP paddock?

Nope, it's not Adriana Stoner. Or Randy de Puniet. Or even Livio Suppo.

It's Graziano Rossi, the incredibly laid back father of Valentino Rossi. Only an Italian could be that scruffy and still be cool. The good news is that there's a new interview with Graziano Rossi on Superbikeplanet.com. Well worth a look.

MotoGP: Pedrosa Pounces, Stoner Stunned

2009-11-11T15:01:00.003Z

When the MotoGP circus rolls into Valencia, most fans snuggle up in front of the TV with a mug of cocoa and a teddy bear, prepared for a nice refreshing snooze. Two riders ruined the ritual this time: Casey Stoner and Ben Spies.

Stoner caused eyes to pop out on stalks across the world. Heading off the grid for the warm-up lap, the Aussie failed to make it to his pole position slot. After two corners he was caught out by the cold rear tyre and flung over the high side, the Ducati tumbling to a halt next to him. Casey has crashed in races before, but this seems to be the first time he has crashed before the race even started. On the plus side, it was pretty funny. On the downside, it has used up Valencia's allocation of interesting things for the next decade.

Dani Pedrosa had qualified 2nd, and was caught by surprise when the starting lights came on with no sign of Stoner. The miniature matador revealed that he had to start with his visor still up as he had been casually waiting for the pole sitter to appear alongside. Of course, that didn't stop the small star from taking the hole shot and disappearing into the distance on his Repsol Honda, unchallenged until the chequered flag.

Jorge Lorenzo was running in 2nd until he had a bizarre incident of his own. He got his FIAT Yamaha into a massive tank-slapper, which was so terrifying that the airbag in his leathers went off. (It puffs up around the neck area and is designed mainly to prevent broken collar bones.) With Lorenzo highly puckered after that scary moment, and hindered by his leathers turning into a sumo suit, his rival and team-mate Valentino Rossi sneaked past into 2nd. Jorge speeded back up a bit when the leathers deflated themselves, but had to settle for 3rd on a track that he has never won at in any category.

Colin Edwards was pootling round in his usual "best of the rest" style on his Monster Tech 3 Yamaha, in 4th place instead of his usual 5th as one of the four "aliens" had crashed on the warm-up lap. The Texas Tornado had to score plenty more points than Andrea Dovizioso if he was to steal 4th place in the championship. However, Dovi was in 7th place on the second Repsol Honda machine, which was enough to nick the championship position from Edwards.

That was until Ben Spies started charging through the field. He was supposedly using the race as a test before his transfer to Tech 3 Yamaha, and was running Yamaha's test team bike with the Sterilgarda colours from his title-winning World Superbike. Sure enough, Benny Elbowz started off gently, but got quicker and quicker as the race went on, starting to overtake people on a track where there is little overtaking, in a race series where there is little overtaking. With growing astonishment, the crowd saw Spies rise to 8th place, and finally pass Dovizioso for 7th.

This overtake guaranteed 5th place in the championship to his fellow Texan, and team-mate next year at "Tex 2" Tech 3 Yamaha, Colin Edwards, who danced for joy and hugged Spies when the race was over.

So it was a relative snoozefest as usual, since the Valencia track is just too small and nadgery for MotoGP bikes, being a more exciting track for the baby categories. However, it will be remembered for two reasons: the coming of Ben Spies, and the going of Casey Stoner.

BSB End of Season Roundup

2009-10-12T14:39:00.004+01:00

With the British Superbike Championship finishing in autumnal scenes at Oulton Park, let's have a look at how some of the top names performed over the course of the season.

Leon Camier - BSB Champion

Even if you chopped him in half at the waist, he'd still be one of the tallest racers in the paddock, but he's damn quick nonetheless. Camier's record of 19 wins in a season blew away Niall MacKenzie's previous record of 13 wins, and will probably stand either until BSB has 50 races per season, or until Ducati are allowed to dictate their own rules again. Terrible starts followed by scything through the field were the order of the day, nearly every day. Needed a masterclass in flag rules from the marshals after failing to stop when there was a teeny bit of smoke coming out of his bike, but apart from that and a couple of erratic races at Croft and Silverstone, the big lad was head and shoulders above the other riders. (Head, shoulders, hips and knees above Stuart Easton.)

James Ellison - Runner up

The Kendal Beefcake had a pretty good year, getting closer and closer to his lanky team-mate as the season wore on and ending up right on the pace. There's not that much to say about a guy who was there or thereabouts all the time but rarely challenged his title-winning team-mate for victories. He certainly did well enough to bag a good ride for next season, though.

Stuart Easton - 3rd

The BSB paddock's answer to Dani Pedrosa romped away with the Stihl award for leading into turn one in more races than anyone else, winning a chainsaw among other things. Presumably the little baby-faced Scotsman, who doesn't look a day over 12, had to show ID before being allowed to play with power tools. He got his Honda off the line like there was a rocket up it, and won a couple of races towards the end of the year. After flattering to deceive in years past, he seems to have clicked with the Hydrex Honda team and is now one of the big shots.

Josh "Bowling Ball" Brookes - 4th

Brookesy has his own way of making friends and influencing people. Poor Sylvain Guintoli was left sitting in hospital, sticking pins into a voodoo doll after being torpedoed by the fast but erratic Aussie on the way to the grid at Donington. However, rumours abound that his HM Plant Honda team staged a cover-up after realizing that Brookes's brakes failed... Still, he was given a second chance, which he seized with both hands, bowling a clean strike when he took out virtually the entire field at Mallory Park. Strictly speaking, he only hit the leader, but the oil and carnage caused everyone else to fall off down to about 12th position. The race win was awarded by Race Director Stuart Higgs to a baffled Leon Camier on the grounds that he hadn't had a chance to fall off yet when the red flags flew, leading to comical scenes as various team bosses surrounded Higgs like hungry hyaenas. A judiciously acquired injury forced Brookes to sit out most of his resulting ban, but he remained fast and unpredictable when he returned. Probably the only rider who could pick up a 7-10 split with a bike.

Sylvain Guintoli - 8th

The likeable and charming Frenchman looked like being the only rider who could give Camier much of a challenge at the start of the season, until it was all ended with a broken frog's leg at Donny. He was starting to get back to form at the end of the season, but the year has basically been a write-off. He should be back on the Worx Suzuki next year for another go, and will be hoping that Josh "Bouncing Bomb" Brookes bags a ride in World Supersport or something.

Karl Harris - 11th

The burly Yorkshireman must have been hewn from granite. The last race meeting proved this when he tangled with Tommy Hill and bounced through a gravel trap into a tyre wall. He was knocked out, but nobody was at all surprised to find him back in the paddock the next day (albeit battered and bruised and banned from riding due to a concussion.) Not a great year for Karl, with Hydrex showing him the door due to poor results, but he's made of strong stuff and will be back again for more.

Tommy Hill - 14th

Only a partial season for Tommy "Super Sub" Hill as he lost his WSBK ride early on and ended up deputising for Guintoli at Worx Suzuki then replacing Harris at Hydrex Honda. However, he was another rider who got faster and faster as the season progressed, and ended up battling at the front in the final races at Oulton. This has pushed his stock value up hugely, and he's one of the big fish in the BSB pond as the team bosses try to poach next year's riders.

Michael Rutter - 16th

A ridiculous season from the veteran rider saw him ride Yamaha, Honda, Suzuki and Ducati bikes at various points. He had a couple of decent results, particularly with Worx Suzuki as one of the Guintoli replacements, but this year will be remembered for his full house of manufacturers.

GSE Airwaves Yamaha - Championship winning team.

They started the season with fairly stock bikes, which many people took to mean as similar to a dodgy Superstock bike with full race swing arm, cams, pistons, conrods and traction control, as the Airwaves Yams certainly didn't appear to be 30bhp down on the opposition when they were clearing off into the distance. Anyway, they cleaned up the championship thanks to Camier's great performance. Team Boss Colin Wright should also win an award for the most number of times someone embarrassed Eurosport's Tony Carter on live TV, topping it off with a comical "I love you, Tony" at Oulton, that left the ginger presenter speechless for almost a whole second (the longest silence from him all year.) GSE's usual rivals HM Plant Honda were left looking like a bunch of amateurs in comparison, and it was the smaller Hydrex Honda and Worx Suzuki teams that provided the opposition, though neither could keep up the momentum all season long. GSE are now claiming that they might pull out of BSB, but as they've cried wolf about a million times in the last 2 years, who knows?

BSB has had a mixed season this year. Leon Camier legged it with the title before everyone else had woken up, leading to some boring races. However, the season ended very strongly with Ellison, Easton, Hill, Brookes and Guintoli all looking quick. It bodes well for next year.

Horhay Hin Horbit, Cracking Casey Comeback

2009-10-06T15:54:00.003+01:00

When MotoGP goes to Estoril, everyone salivates over the 2006 race, which started with tiny terrorist Dani Pedrosa ramming his team-mate Nicky Hayden off the track, and ended with loveable birdbrain Toni Elias out-dragging Valentino Rossi over the line. Of course, that means that every race for ever more has to be a snoozefest. It's sod's law.

This time out, the racing was OK for a couple of laps, then the entire field strung out into a procession of almost F1-like tedium, but without the idiotic cheating.

Jorge Lorenzo had been quick all weekend on his FIAT Yamaha, and in the race he soon disappeared into the wide blue yonder. At least it was a slightly different sight, as the factory Yams were running a white colour scheme to promote FIAT's latest crapwagon.

Dani Pedrosa made his usual rocketship start, thanks to his power to weight ratio approaching that of a riderless bike. However, Casey Stoner had returned to ride the Melandri-bashing Marlboro Ducati, and was almost completely recovered from his fake illness. Back to his gobby self, he earned himself even less fans by slagging GP legend Kevin Schwantz. Trying to make the Yank crowds boo you as well, Casey?

At least during the race, Stoner couldn't complain to the media, so he focussed his energy on passing Dani Pedrosa and taking off in second place.

Dani had to settle for third position on his Repsol Honda.

Valentino Rossi trundled round in fourth, and complained of a lack of grip. For once, the Vale and Jerry show failed to set up the Yamaha.

The increasingly consistent Texas Tornado, Colin Edwards once again finished best of the rest, first of the satellite bikes as usual. His book of excuses must be all dusty and covered in cobwebs by now. The likeable Southerner hasn't needed to consult it since the innovative "Wet engine map" debacle, months ago.

Nobody really raced anybody for most of the race. A lot of people passed Nicky Hayden. The second likeable Southerner doesn't have a big book of excuses, and would be too honest to use one anyway. Ah well.

Jorge Lorenzo had decided that his white leathers looked like a space suit, so he had a crash hat made to look a bit like a space helmet. He celebrated by planting the Lorenzo's Land flag in a gravel trap, walking in slow motion as if he was on the Moon, and thereby proving beyond all reasonable doubt that the Moon landings were faked not in a studio in Nevada, but in a gravel trap in Portugal.

He also did the spaceman act on the podium, which caused his two grumpy podium-mates Pedrosa and Stoner to stop licking piss off nettles and crack brief smiles.

Jorge was h-outstanding, Stoner was too. Pedrosa was there or thereabouts as always. Rossi was AWOL. Finishing 4th on a factory Yamaha isn't much better than finishing 10th on a satellite one.

MotoGP: Donkey Business as Usual at Misano

2009-09-07T16:28:00.005+01:00

Valentino Rossi stopped calling himself The Doctor and started calling himself The Donkey after his silly crash at Indianapolis. He made up for it at Misano, though. His crash hat had a cartoon of a donkey on the top, and at the back were the words "The Donkey" in the same colours and font as his usual "The Doctor".

At the start of the race, he waited a while for everything to settle down, then overtook everyone and disappeared into the distance. His downbeat team-mate Horhay Lorenzo was behind him, with diminutive Dani Pedrosa trundling in 3rd.

Rossi's mechanics met him in parc ferme wearing enormous pairs of donkey ears, and Vale wore a pair on the podium too. It's incredible that he is still coming up with chuckleworthy celebrations, but as an 8-time world champion with number 9 on the way, he's a bit special.

The relative dullness of the race was partly down to the dimwitted actions of local hero, Alex "300 Game" de Angelis. The San Marinese, rainbow-painted yokel showed that bowling isn't just for Americans.

He did this by bowling for Americans, and it was a perfect 300 game as there were no Yanks left when he was finished.

It happened in the first chicaney, flippy-floppy corners, less than 10 seconds into the race. De Angelis braked stupidly late, bumped Colin Edwards, who bumped Nicky Hayden. The two Southerners went down along with de Angelis, and someone tagged Jorge Lorenzo, who managed to stay aboard his Yamaha.

There was a hilarious altercation in the gravel trap, with Nicky Hayden blowing his cool and trying to shake some sense into the miscreant while Colin just raised his eyes to the heavens in despair.

It was disastrous for both the Kentuckian and the Texan. Nicky is just starting to look good on the Bologna Bullet, taking a podium at his home race and being the first 800cc number 2 rider ever to get re-signed by Ducati with his career intact. Colin Edwards has had a surprisingly great year, being top satellite team rider and breathing down the neck of factory Honda rider Andrea Dovizioso in the points table. The likeable, plain-talking Texan has barely had to dip into his big book of excuses at all.

Still, Nicky has inked a Ducati contract for another year so it's not too bad. Colin seemed to be on his way out of Tech 3 Yamaha, but with Benny Elbowz being re-signed by Yamaha for the WSBK campaign, everyone now says that Colin will be staying at Tech 3. That's great news for him, and rubbish news for his hapless team-mate James Toseland, who has been crushed into the dirt by the Texas Tornado this year. It looks like the only thing about Tech 3 that Toseland has to concern himself with is not letting Herve Poncharal's motorhome door hit him in the arse on the way out.

MotoGP: Jorge Wins Indy as Rivals Tumble

2009-08-31T14:50:00.004+01:00

Cocky Spanish superstar Jorge Lornezo must have been baffled as he dominated the MotoGP race at Indianapolis, as his close rivals went tumbling down the track, leaving him all on his own at the front.

Miniature matador Dani Pedrosa had been on blistering form, taking pole position and leading off the line. It was a three way scrap, as the teeny Catalan tried to pull away from Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo. Then on lap 5 there was astonishment as Dani hopped off the low side. It was exactly the sort of crash that we've seen Nicky Hayden and Colin Edwards save in the past by sticking their knees down, but as Dani's knee only sticks out about 12cm from the bike, he was unable to stop it toppling over in an embarrassing low speed crash. It took a long time for the downbeat dwarf to pick up his Repsol Honda machine, which was unsurprising as it weighs literally 3 times what he does!

Full marks to him for getting back into the race, as despite being dead last he put in a succession of fastest laps and outdragged Chris Vermeulen on the run to the flag, finishing a gutsy 10th.

That turned it into a 2-way battle at the front between Rossi and Lorenzo. We've seen this before, and the wily old Doctor always wins through. Not this time. Horhay pulled off an excellent pass into the fast first corner to take the lead. Valentino Rossi had to try extra hard to stay with his young FIAT Yamaha team-mate.

Rossi ran wide in a left hander, which put him way off line on the dirty part of the track for the following right hander. The Italian genius grabbed the brakes and the front end folded, violently throwing him onto the road. It was exactly the sort of crash you see when somebody brakes too sharply in the wet, as there was hardly any grip that far off line. Rossi tried to continue but had to pull in with a sticking throttle. He studied the data logging long and hard before conceding that he had fallen due to being on a filthy part of the little-used Indy infield.

That left Lorenzo all alone, around ten seconds in front of anyone else and presumably somewhat surprised that his rivals had self-destructed. He pulled an enormous, half-kilometre wheelie across the line, and stopped to pick up a plastic Captain America shield to go with his matching one-off crash helmet. He also followed the Indy 500 tradition of the race winner climbing the debris fence that separates the crowd from flying Indy cars (but didn't drink the traditional pint of milk, as far as I know) leaving a baffled marshal blipping the throttle of his Yamaha to keep it running.

In second place was the ludicrously inconsistent San Marino rider Alex de Angelis, who was "doing a Toni Elias" on his Gresini Honda, i.e. pulling out a brilliant performance at contract time. The hugely emotional third place finisher was local yokel (by Yank standards) Nicky Hayden, who lives a mere several hundred miles from the track. Given the trouble he's had adapting to the career-killing Bologna bullet, a podium place was a brilliant result, making it extremely likely that he'll sign another Ducati contract before too long. The likeable Kentuckian was over the moon, and so were his family in the Ducati garage.

Andrea Dovizioso finished a decent 4th on his Repsol Honda, with Tech 3 Yamaha's Colin Edwards very frustrated with 5th, having struggled with rear grip. It shows how well Colin is riding this year when he's gutted with a 5th place position. The surprise 6th place was the Texas Tornado's team-mate James Toseland, who had battled hard to stay ahead of Marco Melandri's Hayate Kawasaki for most of the race until the Italian crashed with a couple of laps to go. It was a great performance from the Yorkshire pianist, but will it be enough to stay in MotoGP? If he pulls off another result like that next week, the Japanese factory might just loan him a fountain pen to sign next year's MotoGP deal.

The record books will show that Jorge Lorenzo won this race at a canter, but the race was more interesting than that. It's not often that Pedrosa and Rossi both crash all on their own, while Lorenzo stays on his bike. It was great to see a proper, non-hurricane-lashed race from the oldest bike racing venue in the world, the Indianapolis brickyard.

BSB: Team Boss Colin Wright Hits Century

2009-08-11T17:32:00.004+01:00

Leon Camier's victory in the second British Superbike race of the day at Brands Hatch on Sunday racked up a few new facts for the history books. He became the first rider to win a treble, as it was the BSB's first 3-race weekend, with a race on Saturday after qualifying. He took his 14th win of the season, beating the existing record set by Niall Mackenzie on Rob Mac's Boost Yamaha in 1997.

It was also a personal milestone for Camier's GSE Airwaves Yamaha boss, Colin Wright, who notched up his 100th victory as a team manager. The sardonic slaphead's standard smug smile slipped slightly, showing his sensitive side as he clearly had a tear in his eye. The results break down as 25 wins with Kawasaki, 60 with Ducati and 15 with Yamaha. It was a massive achievement for the plain talking GSE geezer, and the wins are still coming.

Along the way, he's nurtured some of the best up and coming British riders, and rejuvenated a few of the older ones. His boys have racked up British titles, and gone on to take World championships too. Keep it up, Mr Wright!

Stoner Sidelined? Ducati Disaster?

2009-08-10T13:20:00.004+01:00

Rumours abound that Casey Stoner will sit out at least one and possibly 3 MotoGP races as he battles with his mystery "illness". The ex-champion underwent a battery of tests after the Laguna Seca race, with the result that some of the world's best quacks told him he felt ill and looked a tad pale. In other words, they thought he was faking it.

There is now great confusion as to whether Casey's lurgy could be physical or psychological. It's certainly possible to worry yourself sick, but why would that start now?

Has Casey grown a brain?

Most bike racers don't have a brain as such. Anyone with one would have enough imagination to realize that sitting on a two-wheeled machine at 200mph, just inches away from similarly steeded psychos, is a completely ludicrous thing to do. That's why most people aren't motorcycle racers. (Of course, not all people without brains are motorcycle racers, most of them are politicians, car park attendants or reality TV stars.)

Could he have subconsciously become as terrified as anyone in their right mind would be if they were clinging to the Bologna Bullet as it bucked and weaved in a 130mph corner? I'd certainly be throwing up if I had to ride that thing around a racetrack at speed.

If Casey has to sit out a few races, it's a bad thing for MotoGP and a terrible thing for Ducati. The little Aussie might have a tendency towards moaning, but he's one of the best riders of modern times. His ability to jump on the bike, pull out a pole position on his first flying lap then sit down for the rest of the session is unrivalled. Even Valentino Rossi never does that. People who criticized Stoner for winning a title on the bike with the fastest top speed fail to take into account the fact that the bloody thing doesn't go round corners.

There are something like 8 other riders who have raced the 800cc Ducati, and none of them have looked anything like winning a race on the thing, never mind a championship. The Italian team have created a Stonermobile, and without Stoner they are well and truly screwed.

What if Stoner is forced to retire? It wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened. Alex Criville famously won the 500GP title but had to retire due to mystery blackouts that had no known physical cause and cleared up when he stopped racing.

This would be a tragedy for Casey, and it would be a major blow to MotoGP, just when we are into the kind of golden era the sport hasn't seen for nigh on 20 years. The racing might be a bit variable, but Rossi is now under constant attack by Stoner, Pedrosa and Lorenzo.

For Ducati, the loss of Stoner would be a disaster. Who on earth would they replace him with? Mika Kallio has shown reasonably well on the satellite Pramac Ducati, but could he really win races on the factory bike?

The top option would have to be Jorge Lorenzo, but the rumours are that he will turn down a big money offer from Honda to stay on a Yamaha, the best all-round bike in MotoGP just now. It's pretty unlikely that he'd go to Ducati. Rossi won't go, he had that chance before and turned it down for Yamaha, where he'll stay. Pedrosa would probably move to Ducati if he was forced out of Honda, but that's looking very unlikely.

If you don't have one of the top 3 non-Stoner riders, you'd have to look beyond the current MotoGP crowd, but with the new rookie rule, Ducati couldn't hire anyone who hasn't already done a year of MotoGP (or at least half a year). The two likely rising stars outside MotoGP are Alvaro Bautista from 250GP and Ben Spies from World Superbikes. It would be 2011 before either one could join the factory Ducati squad. (The two other rising stars in 250GP are Marco Simoncelli and Hiroshi Aoyama. Simoncelli is already signed to Honda, while Aoyama will very probably ride either a MotoGP Honda or a Moto2 bike next year.)

Even if the Italian team wave enough money around, riders will always baulk at the prospect of riding the desmodromic career killer. Look at what it did to Marco Melandri. Still, Marco is now regaining his confidence and market value after a few great races on the Hayate Kawasaki. Maybe somebody quick would be willing to take a gamble.

Anyway, let's hope it doesn't come to that. Get well soon, Casey.

MotoGP: Stoner the Faker

2009-07-14T16:48:00.003+01:00

Yankee Quacks have diagnosed Casey Stoner's mystery illness as gastritis and anaemia.

In other words, they think he's faking it. Telling someone they have gastritis and anaemia just means they claim to have sore guts and are a little pale and tired, but tests show nothing unusual.

Doctors say that kind of thing to make you sod off.

Doctor House (with his Nicky Hayden replica Repsol Honda) would run a battery of tests, order some medicine, realize the medicine is killing the patient, order some different tests, look into the mid distance, and realize that you have some kind of illness that is found once every 5 years in the entire world's population of 6 billion.

Real doctors just want you to get lost and stop bugging them so they can go and play golf.

American quacks tend to order more tests than those in other countries, because American quacks are liable to be sued for 20 trillion dollars at least 12 times a year, and ordering tons of tests tends to make them look better in court, reducing their malpractise insurance premiums. (This is why the USA spends more on health care than anyone else, yet has one of the worst healthcare systems in the world. In most countries if you showed up in hospital with a sore finger they'd tell you to get stuffed, in the States you'd get $60,000 worth of CT and MRI scans.) And even American quacks couldn't find anything wrong with Casey. For gastritis he should avoid spicy food and eat some ginger, for anaemia he should eat some black pudding (a.k.a. blood pudding or blood sausage. Lovely stuff.)

So poor little Casey still hasn't had a decent diagnosis (i.e. one of something that's easily cured.) Hopefully he gets his stuff together, eats some medium-rare 'roo burgers to up his iron content and stops chucking up in his crash hat. Somebody needs to keep Vale and Horhay honest up at the front.

So long, Sete.

2009-07-13T13:39:00.003+01:00

So long, Sete Gibernau. Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out. His dodgy builder-sponsored Ducati will no longer appear in MotoGP after the team ran out of money.

Almost-legend Sete Gibernau decided to sully his reputation by returning to MotoGP after retiring for ever a couple of years ago. The theatrical Spaniard had turned from a journeyman into a star when he suddenly found form and started challenging Valentino Rossi for the world title. He was a damn sight better than some of the guys who luck into championships, but them's the breaks.

Ever stroppy and melodramatic, he was finally destroyed by the legendary Gypsy Curse hurled at him by Rossi. The Italian superstar was livid at being given a grid penalty at Qatar when his team did scooter burnouts on his grid spot to increase grip, and his hatred was levelled at Gibernau. Rossi announced that poor Gibbers would never win another race, and lo it came to pass that Sete never won another race. (Rossi has evil powers, you know. He was last seen sticking pins into the gut of a Casey Stoner voodoo doll...)

Gibernau switched to Ducati, and looked pretty quick until he rammed his brake lever into the back of team-mate Loris Capirossi's bike at Catalunya, flipping over forwards (Mythbusters take note) and skittling Capirex and Melandri among others. To compound the hilarity, Gibernau's ambulance crashed at low speed on the way to hospital.

Ironically, it was Casey Stoner, the tiny tearaway who stole Sete's Ducati ride, who put the Spaniard out of MotoGP by crashing in front of him, causing Sete to hop off and break his collar bone for the 90th time.

Gibbers was finally tempted back to MotoGP by the prospect of a satellite Ducati jointly sponsored by Spain's dodgiest builder and Africa's dodgiest dictator. Apparently El Presidente of Guinea Ecuatorial had been stringing the team along, as has happened to hundreds of no-hoper squads in the past, and the cheques were permanently lost in the post.

And so it ended. The Abba Fernando Ducati squad are no more. Buh-bye, now.