Army Girl

Review of "AT WAR" A Documentary by Scott Kesterson

2009-05-01T00:25:00.005-04:00

I had the great blessing to be able to watch At War with a group of some of my closest allies and friends. There's only one group of people I would have rather of watched it with more, the peeps I was deployed with.

Friday, we opened up with a screening of At War by Scott Kesterson who is still in Afghanistan. I follow him on Twitter because his updates are phenomenal and educational (Pashtun culture!) The documentary was amazing. I couldn't really watch all of it though. It made me miss the place and simultaneously reminded me of how much I hate the place. I wanted to be back there and at the same time, I wanted to never think of it again. It brought back a lot of the disappointment and frustration that I felt. BUT... more on that at another date. It's incredible and I do hope that all of you that say you're interested in joining the military will go and see it. Afghanistan is one of those places where we take one step forward and two steps back and then call it progress.

There were a few completely unrealistic moments that seemed a bit made for the camera. This troop in the beginning starts digging up land mines that are being used as IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices aka one-shitty-road-bump). Hate to break it to you all but that's not going to happen. There should be a disclaimer on that part of the video that says "Don't do this [stupid shit] at home EVER."

In my book, he gets away with it for two reasons... 1) He's cute and 2) He's former EOD (Explosives Ordinance Disposal) which means he's trained and knows a bit about what he's doing. Still. The guy has a death wish, cute or not and there ain't enough cute in the world to make up for stupid.

So aside from the documentary being too real and a bit longer than it may have needed to be (or the really uncomfortable seats made it seem uncomfortably long), it is a must-see. A million times over, I recommend it be watched, considered and discussed.

I have to be honest... I had to leave a few times and was all over the place. It's hard to watch that stuff for me because I know it's going on now. It's not historical or even yesterday's news. It's today's real life for the Afghans and the troops that are over there trying to make some sense out of the chaos.

The quotes that are shown throughout the film are poignant and I think they should be left in. There was some discussion as to whether or not they would please the critics. F&*# the critics... the true critics for any war documentary, are the warriors. If you want to know if a military bit is worth the precious moments in your day, then ask someone who's been there. (Not me, I never saw that kind of direct combat.) I asked a few of the guys that were in Afghanistan working on ETTs (Embedded Training Teams) and they all agreed. Good flick and well worth the effort of it took to make and the time it took to watch it.

Thank you, Scott.

To Go or Not

2009-03-26T22:35:00.003-04:00

I've been letting people know that I plan on deploying. I notified my unit that I am giving up my WOC slot in order to do so.

My sister probably expected it. She just asked, "What about WOC?" and I told her I didn't join the Army to be a Warrant Officer.

That's about as simple as I can get with the answer.

Then I let my buddy know... and he didn't take it so well. The conversation ended with him telling me he wasn't going to my funeral and my telling him he wasn't invited.

He's been going through a lot lately and everything seems to be coming back up. It was at this time three years ago that we were down in Lashkar Gah in Helmand Province. The three year anniversary of our Alive Day is coming up. I know why it's all coming back... the anxiety, the stress, the invasive thoughts. I've learned to live with it. I know what to expect now around about this time of year and I am ok with it. It's just the way it is.

I don't think he's gotten through to that point yet. I think he had much worse TBI than I did. Neither of us was ever diagnosed or screened, but I know like I know what it is to have strep throat, that he's got a form of TBI as well as PTSD. I know I didn't come through that blast unscathed either. But I also know, that I'm good to go for at least one more deployment.

I didn't think about how my decision to deploy would affect him. That's kind of something that you try not to think about -how it affects those around you. But how long do you put it off for? How long do you make everyone else's demands, wishes, pleas, your own? At some point you have to do what YOU want to do... and I want to deploy. This is what is right for me in my mind and in my heart and it has nothing to do with what anyone wants for me anymore.

In this particular case, it is a one for one switch. My unit needs E6's to go. Our soldiers need someone with experience. I've not only been to the theater, but I understand so much more now and can offer a great deal to the cause, the fight and to the mission. I have a very unique skill set and experience... and understanding of the conflict. We are sending guys who will not have been home for 12 months before they're activated again. Guys that have families, newborns...

And you know what?

It doesn't matter. Seems like I'm trying to justify why I decided to go back... but I don't need to.

I know that right now, it's just time. I've never been one to wait or put things off till I get told or called up. I volunteered for my last deployment because it was right. I just knew. And I feel that way now. I just know. The time is now and I'll go on my terms when I can make arrangements. If I wait, I'll get yanked out of my comfort zone and it'll come at an untimely moment when I won't be expecting it or prepared for it. This is a much better deal.

And this time, I'll know some of the people I'm going with. I'll know the General I'm going to be working under. He'll be at the flagpole and I'll be out and about somewhere, but at least I'll know that the man I'm serving under has a vested interest in the fight. He's got kids that are fighting age... and I've looked him in the eyes and know that he sincerely wants to ask the right questions and find potential solutions to establish systems that WORK so that we can stop the killing and the dying and bring our troops home someday.

I'm confident that going now is better for me overall. With all of the things that I will have to put on hold and all of the opportunities I'm putting off to go back in to the burning building, I feel like if I don't do it now, I'll have to do it later... and later would be much more difficult. It's better to go now for so many reasons.

I feel terrible that my friend is suffering and that he's upset. I feel horrible about what my news has/will put him through. The same goes for my estranged family... but I can't live my life by what everyone else wants. I have to live it for me and this is what I believe in and what I want.

Afghanistan will be a country at peace someday and if I can't help that happen, I can at least strive to understand more why it can't.

"If not now, when?"

2009-03-25T23:04:00.004-04:00

I was just checking out my Facebook following and didn't realize I had so many people on there. Wow. So here's a "Shout Out" to all of you! HI! Thanks for adding my blog to your blog network!

Honestly, I figured there was no one out there reading these posts anymore. Crazy internet.

Yesterday was an amazing day for me... I will have to make time to blog about it. Today has been a tiring day. For some reason, I was exhausted! Tomorrow is my day off so I'm hoping to be productive and get a lot accomplished.

More about the past few days coming up. For now, I want to talk about what's on my mind.

Deployment.

My unit has been tasked yet again, to provide people to augment another Active Duty unit. Interestingly enough, we had several volunteers but they are yanking our volunteers and sending people that haven't been yet, or haven't been for a while. This makes no sense to me but little that the Army does makes sense to those it affects. You just have to trust the system and believe, sometimes blindly, that there is a greater plan in which you are just not privy to... or don't have the pay grade to need to be concerned with it. Many with that pay grade wish they didn't have to make the decisions they have to make about who is going and who isn't. The same is true for those who are lower in the totem pole.

Often, the big debate, as it is now... is that to the people with the big rank, we are just numbers. To our senior NCOs and leadership, we are not just soldiers, we're people. We have families, we have issues, and we have lives. The latter know better what to do with us and who should and shouldn't go, who wants to go and whose life is going to be ruined if they leave again (divorce, family issues, mental health issues.) Doesn't matter to the people who need to fill slots.

In the end, no matter what happens, bodies fill those slots and we go. I have thrown my name in to go. Again. This time, I hope it works. I realize that I may not get to keep my WOC status but I don't care. They are trying to deploy guys in my unit that have not been home 12 months yet and I know them. They are my friends. One of them took my slot on the last deployment when I got yanked and a few of them have newborn babies. A couple are on the verge of losing their marriages and none of them have been home long enough.

So even if it costs me my Warrant Officer Candidate slot, I'm going. If they don't give me an exception to policy memo to put Warrant Officer Candidate School off for six months to a year, then I will give it up. I feel that this is my priority and I feel like the time for it is now.

I do worry about the number of people I will disappoint and I know that my former Chief and mentor will be very against the idea... but I refuse to let someone else go, when I can.

I had the honor of sitting in with a very important player in the future of Afghanistan and was able to share my perspective as well as observation on many things. Sometimes general officers can use a little insight from their most junior of soldiers... even if it comes by way of more unconventional means. I left those meetings feeling as though I had communicated my point and that it was not only well received but truly "heard." I know that knowing what I know now... I am in a position to be more effective than I ever was and to contribute a great deal, if the Army lets me. Now I can not only do my job exponentially better, but I can train my soldiers to do the same. Everything I've done in my civilian career since I've been home, has prepared me to be that much more effective down range.

I have far too much to offer to sit here at my cushy job with all of life's creature comforts while there's so much work to be done.

But.

I am scared out of my freaking mind. I am not afraid of missions outside the wire and believe it or not, I'm not even afraid of suicide bombers or IEDs. I'm not afraid that I might die. None of those things wear on my mind as much as this... that I will be in charge of a team of soldiers whose lives depend on my ability to do my job and make sound and timely decisions. The thought that I will be responsible for soldiers other than myself and my buddy scares. the. living. shit. out of me. As an E5, buck Sergeant in 2006... when I was going on missions outside the wire... I worried about me and my buddy. We were equals. This deployment, will not be that way.

It's not the bombs and the getting shot at... it's my life afterwards. It's the way my life changed after it all happened. It's the anger, the rage, the intolerance... the frustration, the fear, the invasive thoughts... it's who I've become, how detached I want to be from those that love me. It's all of that and so much more.

I miss deployment. I want to go back. I want to feel the insane boredom, the waiting, the anticipation, the adrenaline. There is nothing that compares to the adrenaline of combat. Not sky diving, not roller-coasters... nothing.

I want to feel the weight of my 9m on my thigh... reach down and put my hand around it. One of the comments I heard at the luncheon yesterday was about how being a woman in combat and training environments has it's advantages.... because we're so used to carrying purses, we're less likely to lose/forget our weapons anywhere!

I miss the weight of the M16 slung over my shoulder (although hopefully we'll be important enough that they'll give us M4s this time.) I want to go back and do all of the things I didn't know to do back then... right all the wrongs, say what went unsaid, do what went undone or got done poorly. If only I could go back.

Talking to my buddy today, I was trying to explain why I need to go back. "It's sort of like high school, you know? If you could go back to high school, knowing what you know now... so you could do it all again and do it right, wouldn't you jump at the chance?"

He laughed... "I like how you just said that like it was nothing... You're the only person I know that would compare going back to high school to going back to combat without thinking twice about it..."

I don't think I am, but I would go back to Afghanistan over going back to high school any day.

I hated high school that much.

So that's it. I've made up my mind and now begins the fight. I'm going on that freaking deployment and my life and my dreams will have to wait. The veterans group I'm working on, the volunteer work, my career, school... It's all going to have to wait. Something far more important has come up and without question... the time for me to go back, is now.

"If not now, when?" Rabbi Hillel.

Busy Bee

2009-03-19T19:23:00.003-04:00

I haven't been on here in quite a while. I just don't know what to write anymore.

Then there's the issue of having so much to do that when I sit down at my computer I start working on emails, etc.

A couple of days ago, I started to take into account all of the various activities I have committed myself to and the list got a bit ridiculous. Somehow though, I'm managing to balance it all. This is how I thrive. I don't get sick and best of all, I don't get depressed. There isn't time to be depressed.

There is only time to do the things I need to do whenever I can. There's not a moment to be idle... or a moment to get lost in thoughts and emotions. When that happens, it feels horrible. The memories all come back and I am left there with this sadness. Why would I allow myself to succumb to that when and if I have the choice?

I would rather go, do, be. And I don't know if it's real or not... but I'm happy. Content. Satisfied. I fall into my bed at night and I'm so tired that I don't lay awake on most nights. I don't think, I just sleep. I wake up and it starts all over again and I love it. It's all an adventure and it's all amazing to me.

There are things I don't care for and that I trudge through. At this time, my day job is a work in progress. It pays my bills and I see it has a purpose but it is not what makes me happy. It allows me to not stress about money, which I rather enjoy. I work for a great company, but don't care much for the actual office I work in but as in all things, it won't be that way forever.

The deployment that I'd wanted to go on got passed to someone else. Soldiers can't deploy when they're on Warrant Officer Candidate (WOC) status. Bummer. I try not to think about that either. I also try not to think about my friends that will be deploying on another tour later this year that I won't be able to go with. Instead I think about how I will be attending WOC School (WOCS) and the Warrant Officer Basic Course (WOBC) this year sometime. That will be six or so months of no civilian work and being away from home. I'm not sure how I feel about that... so I just won't think about it either.

My last Non-Commissioned Officer Evaluation Report (NCOER) was crap. It's a little different when you go from active status to Reserve drilling status and you live so far from your unit. My first-line had nothing much to put on my report card. I knew this, but I couldn't help being a little upset. The perfectionist over-achiever in me really got irritated.

MY next one is not going to be like that though. I'm in a training course and will be hosting my own drill weekends here. There are a couple of other soldiers in the area and we'll be getting together to do some training, take an APFT and go over the Suicide Stand-down briefings. There was an Army-wide mandate for soldiers to watch a series of videos and slides about suicide prevention. I think it's a good idea but what's going to change the Army's suicide numbers isn't going to be a video or mandatory classes. What will change it, is how the Army treats the soldiers that are on "suicide watch."

And that, my friends... is where this post ends.

Love Yourself First

2009-02-26T17:53:00.002-05:00

It takes a bit of nuttiness to post blogs where your nuttiness is demonstrated... but I still fight with the devil and angel about what to post and not.

Sometimes, I want to be as real and as raw as I can be and at others, I worry that people's perception of me will ruin what I need them to perceive me as.

Today, I post it because it's part of my growth and part of my learning about myself

My early life was a bit unstable, to say the least. This was not due completely to the circumstances of being an Army brat. There were many other factors. Although my childhood does not define who I am, the experiences and lessons I had do provide me with a toolbox of coping with which to apply toward my life as it occurs.

I do not always pick the best tools at the best times or for the most appropriate circumstances... but I do continue to work at being a better person. And this means, confronting my realities today with the memories of the past and learning to apply healthy and appropriate perspectives to current issues so that I may apply "what I know now" to what is occurring now.

I'm not sure this makes any sense to anyone but me... but let me give an example I think most could relate to... relationships.

Experiencing abandonment as a child leaves deep and very marked scars on a person. This person may then and will most likely react in certain ways to future relationships and live in fear that the experience will be repeated and in effect, often force the same experience to occur.

I am an expert at this phenomenon. Jealousy, is a tell-tale sign of fear and fear, in this case, is the emotion we feel when we cannot control or prevent something from happening. As we know, neither fear or jealousy are very healthy attributes in a relationship.

As a rational adult, we know this but the child we were when we first encountered our pain, does not. And because these issues never really get addressed by the adults in our lives, we turn our misunderstanding of what occurs in our environment, inward. We blame ourselves for doing something wrong... and that unhealthy mistake never gets addressed so we continue it. We may grow up in many ways, but the child that endured that trauma, does not. Some refer to that personality inside of you as the "inner child."

Where am I going with this?

This forms into a habit... and facilitates a lack of self-confidence, among other things. It manifests in different people in different ways... and with me, for example, it made me into someone who did not care about how other people felt. I went into relationships for purely selfish, purely self-destructive reasons and I made sure that I never dated anyone that could break my heart. I had the control. I never committed and I never allowed myself to care enough if the other person committed to me or not... or to the person they were with.

It wasn't until I began to see how destructive and manipulative I was being to others and their lives, that I woke up and stopped.

How do I know I'm making progress?

For so many years, I was the heartbreaker... and now that I've let that manipulative part of me go, I have repeatedly been, the heartbroken. That started almost simultaneously with my jump into military life.

I joined at twenty-six after two phases of trying to find myself. I moved out of that phase where I sought destructive male attention because I had had little experiences of any other kind with men. The next few years would open up different perspectives on the men I had chosen to be my mentors in life. Two of my closest family friends found out their husbands, my friends and mentors, were not the people they thought they were... they were cheaters, liars and also self-destructive. They were what I had stopped myself from becoming in the most extreme forms. My friends showed me what it truly means to be strong, to be independent and to live with pain that far outweighed any I had ever experienced and more important than anything in my observation of their pain, was their willingness to share it with me.

Now, in this new phase... which was totally new to me, I date men who lie, cheat and have their own motives. I don't fault them. I don't blame them and on another level, I am grateful for the lessons they are teaching me about myself. Now, it seems, I'm experimenting with how many different ways a girl can get her heart broken! Well, I was. I'm a bit finished with that for a while and am taking a break. A dear friend told me that it's all part of the process and that I shouldn't give up trying, opening myself up and getting my heart stomped on because eventually, it will be the right person. I think in this respect, he's definitely more the idealist than I am!

I have also learned that despite my professed strength and my contentment at being alone and not having to have or be in a relationship, I really am not as well off as I thought I was. I've just fallen into that typical pattern of an addict; replacing one addiction with another. A new friend and I have had this talk a few times about vices. I couldn't think of one I have because I'm so much of a control freak that I refuse to become addicted to anything like gambling, smoking, etc. I know what it is now though.

I know that the reason I am so hyper-active and that I am non-stop with my activities is because I have fallen back into the rut of being a workaholic.

One of my favorite alcoholics in the world was my puppy-love's dad. When he didn't drink, he was quiet and reserved but when he drank, he was lively and funny. People loved being around him when he was drinking. I think that facilitated his drinking. One of my dearest friends from my real-estate days was an addict. She had traded all of her substance addictions in for work addictions. I also know many people who can't be alone. They go from one relationship to another and then another because they can't be alone with who they are. I thought I outgrew these patterns, but I haven't. I don't have any substance addictions, nor do I have to be co-dependent anymore... but I do fill every waking moment of my time with activities trying to help other people. If you become the person that works to try and "save the world" your work is never finished. You will never fulfill that void but you can work yourself into the ground attempting to do so. Everyone will look at you and think that you are doing a great thing.

I know many nurses who suffer from this same complex.

I haven't been writing as much... and writing is when I can usually still myself and be truly introspective. I've been too busy to write. I'm too busy to read. I want to spend every waking moment doing what I can for my fellow servicemembers and yet I know that I can't do that well, unless I take care of myself.

You can't love someone else unselfishly without loving yourself first and duh, I can't help anyone without truly helping myself, first. What do I truly have to give when in the giving, I'm trying to fulfill a sense of purpose in myself? If I become who I am, then I have myself to give... Right now, I'm only pretending that I have something to give so that others will see me as valuable. That's not what I need. What I need, is to see the value in myself and not care what others see or don't see. When that happens and I've achieved that, then I will demonstrate to others how to find their own value... and that... is true service to others.

Disjointed

2009-02-14T01:59:00.003-05:00

I'm having one of my moments...

The ones where I can't think on one thing for very long at all... I am making lists and have five websites open and am jumping from thing to thing and topic to topic. I want everything done now and all of the answers now. I can't stay focused and I want to scream.

I shouldn't have slept so much today.

I need to clean, so I started the dishes... then I started to hang up clothes before being done with the kitchen. I realized something I wanted to write down in my notes but then decided that I could do that thing better if I did some research and then I checked my email about every 30 seconds to see if anyone had written me on the poll I'm conducting for the name for the vets' group...

Then I realized that our web page doesn't work and I need to do something about that, but if we're changing our name then it doesn't matter, right? I ordered dance shoes for my class and the competition I want to enter that's in two months... did I mention I don't have any formal dance training? So I need to check my bank account but on top of that I have really got to get my budget done but for some reason the budget is going to take too long and I really need to work on the Facebook page for the group... but wait, we still don't have a name I feel good about yet.

So I should work on the mission statement, that would be good, but when I research how to write a mission statement, there's all this advice on personal statements and holy crap the cat litter boxes need to be cleaned and I really don't think I'm a cat person anymore... Personal statements, oh yeah, I need to write one of those but there are so many because you really should write one for every area of your life that needs fixing and there are so many... I could really improve on so many and I wonder if there's something I'm supposed to be doing tomorrow because I can't remember it... speaking of not remembering, last night's interview was really great until I went off on a tangent talking for an excessive length of time... I'm so embarrassed that I don't want to post it anywhere! and did you know that I didn't even leave the house today? I had so much to get done, like buy a new phone, mail some care packages and run some errands that I can't remember right now because I didn't make a list and I did none of it because I slept almost the entire day away?

And what about all of the articles I need to write for the group and the lobbying we did all week and the picture uploads and the emails to catch up on and I'm sitting here, writing in this blog because I really was about to lose my mind... and the best thing for me to do when I'm about to spin out of control, is write. Or type... or something. I can do this and not lose myself in five thousand other things. Even though I would get more accomplished if I didn't.

I have always been a scattered interests kind of person. I have always been a jack of all trades rather than a master of one thing and I have managed to use that to my advantage... but I envy so much the people that are good at one thing. I wish I could be good at organizing my apt, keeping things in their places and focusing on doing paperwork. I can't even sit and apply for my college classes, or fill out my VA paperwork (because I think it's rather become too obvious that I need to have my head checked), or fill out my expense reports for my drill last week and for the volunteer work I did and I have so many freakin things to do that I can't focus long enough to get any of it done and did I mention I really want to scream!?

No. Now I just want to cry.

I'm obviously not doing anything right or well... except all of it half-assed.

The more I know that I should just stop making excuses and DO one thing, the more frustrated I get... and angry. Yes. Anger. Impatience. Temperamental. I was not always like this. This is worse. And I feel like it's getting worse. I've always taken on a lot... too much probably. I've always felt like I'm missing out on something and have tried to do a lot and I don't know why I think this is all something new but it feels different... I feel more angry and more irritated and more frustrated... and almost violent. I don't know how to describe it

And that fricken smell. It's driving me crazy. I don't want cats right now. I'm off to clean the litter boxes!

Wanted: A New Moon

2009-02-05T18:46:00.004-05:00

I'm in Texas for training... and it's been a long day. I didn't sleep at all last night as I had too much to get prepared for this trip.

Texas is beautiful. Even in the winter when it's brown and dry, there's still just something about it. The weather is a might better than the cold wind and chill of the District. I wish I'd rented a motorcycle and have considered taking my car back to get one. Probably shouldn't though as I haven't ridden on the highway yet and should go with a buddy or two my first time out.

I have news that I haven't shared yet...

The Inaugural weekend was a bit of mania in the DC area. My sister and I opted to watch from the comfort and warmth of our couch rather than brave the huddled masses. I don't do too well in large crowds of people anyway. I don't freak out but it really makes me irritable. People get rude and inconsiderate and nothing good can come of it. Lucky for us, the Comcast guy showed up bright and early that morning so we were able to cook a delicious breakfast, lounge on the couch with the cats and avoid commercials.

While watching Obama speak, I actually wondered what it would be like to serve with him as our Commander in Chief. I've only served under the Bush Administration... moments later, I got up and checked my Facebook to see that my friend had jokingly commented that she might just re-enlist to serve with O. I joked back that she should... we could go to WOCS together! (Warrant Officer Candidate School.)

I kid you not, not 20 minutes later, I happened to check my Blackberry and there was a text message from the Warrant Officer Accessions Recruiter telling me congratulations because I had been selected and was now a WOC. Do *you* believe in signs?

So here I am. WOC Army Girl. I've barely gotten used to being an E6/Staff Sergeant. I have yet to decide if I'm going to take it, but it looks like it will happen. I'm due to get out in April... but with the plus up in Afghanistan, I'd really like to deploy again. (As I've been saying for quite some time.) I'm just not sure how this year is going to play out...

I'm currently in training in Texas... and this course lasts a number of months. My WOCS dates are set during the same time so that will have to get pushed back. I also just started a new job in November and have already missed quite a bit. There is that to consider.

The new job is not what I had hoped or really, expected. Sometimes it's just that way. There are a lot of issues with it but the biggest is that I'm not really sure what I'm doing there. Usually, I can find a purpose in everything and get an idea of why I am where I am and what I need to do/learn/teach there but who knows. I have managed to recruit a few people here and there to the company, which I really like. It's just the work that doesn't suit me or my personality and what makes it all the more difficult, is that there's a significant lack of leadership or rather- a completely different leadership style than what I have experienced in the past. The environment doesn't suit me. I'm a go-getter and I love to be "doing" and going and moving and exploring...

The women vets' group is coming along. If I had the money to quit my job and do that full-time, I have no doubt it would flourish. There has been so much positive feedback and encouragement. I can't keep up. I still really need an assistant! The emails, the conferences... I wish I could do them all. As I said before... I know what I want to be when I grow up now. The issue is, getting there. Which path should I take!? : )

Life has been very good to me and I'm very fortunate. Today, flying back to Texas really made me think about my past. I grew up here... this was my first "home" as an Army Brat. I have so many incredible and terrible memories here... but I will always be part Texan. It's in my heart.

It's also been really interesting because the guy I dated last year, whom I talked a bit about in the blog... moved here to San Antonio. I know I should really hate him for what he did, but I don't. I hope he's well and happy, whatever and wherever he is. I also hope I don't run into him during my several trips here to the Lone Star State. Part of me is curious about what it would feel like to see him again. Will I be angry? Will the hurt come back? Will I feel as indifferent as I do now? Eh.

The most recent breakup was difficult as well. Interestingly enough though, the pain subsided quickly. Almost too much so. I wonder if it was even real anymore. It's like one of those relationships that comes and goes so quickly (although I'd known him for years) that you're left wondering, "What the hell was I thinking?" Really? What was I thinking? It was wrong on so many levels. I can tell there's still some amount of disdain though because I care not to see the moon -and the moon, I was very fond of. I'm sure it will subside with time. I'll just have to make new and better memories in her light.

Controlled Chaos

2009-02-02T23:52:00.004-05:00

I have been writing posts, and not posting them because they're not finished. I can't write as I did before... in so many ways.

I'm losing anonymity but it feels like it's about time... and with that result, I lose the freedom to write as much as I used to...

...And there is so much to be written. Most of it will go in a journal. The rest of it will be lost inside of this mush that is my head. It is getting worse. The busier I get, the more stressed I am, the more difficult it is for my brain to connect the ends to the beginnings and such.

I feel like I am doing nothing right. It's all wrong because inside my head, it is all mixed up. It makes sense to me... and I get it, but others don't. It would be rude and wrong of me to say that they just aren't keeping up, but I think that it has more to do with the fact that no one needs to go at this pace and all over the place. I'm not sure why I am.

It's long since been time for me to sleep.

That's another interesting thing. I don't want to slow down but when I have to, I crash. Driving... sitting in front of the computer at work... those are the two most tiring events in my day. The rest of the time, I'm non-stop and never out of energy. People are starting to notice and I am starting to hear them. Something in my head is not right. It's not wrong... in fact, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up and maintaining a faster pace, but it would probably be best if I at least did some research on it all.

Not tonight though. This week is going to be constant action and demands. I'm so far behind already. I thrive in this.

Controlled chaos. That is me. I am a paradox. I wonder if Whitman ever felt that way...

KIA WIA, Inc Closes its Doors Due to Lack of Support for Smaller Soldier Support Organizations

2009-01-14T04:44:00.005-05:00

Below is a Guest Post from the Vice President and Treasurer of KIA WIA, Inc., a group started in the interest of supporting Special Forces Soldiers, but that grew to support as many Troops as they could. Through the dedication, commitment and understanding of one family, they were able to help many wounded Soldiers, family members of our fallen, and Soldiers suffering from readjustment that fell through the cracks of larger, more mainstream organizations.

It is very humbling and incredibly disappointing that they have to close and I wonder what more I could have done. It shouldn't be about competition, it should be about support for troops and the more organizations we have out there, the more troops and families get and receive the assistance they need.

Many people have warned me that this is a harsh reality when the subject of the non-profit I want to start comes up, but knowing all of that doesn't discourage me. If we accomplish anything, even if it's just bringing female soldiers together, we've served our purpose. KIA WIA, Inc. did more than provide monetary support. The whole family gave of themselves and sacrificed a great deal in order to provide support in any way they could. KIA WIA, Inc., is and always will be dear to my heart and I only wish I could have done more for them.

Our Non-Profit has closed. It closed with a steady decline of support, a
slow death. Most of our remaining products were purchased by our dedicated
supporters to help settle our outstanding debt. We had hoped that it would grow
into a larger organization able to help the many soldiers and their families
that had been left behind by other organizations, including the Department of
Defense. During KIA WIA, Inc.’s three years of existence, we were able to help
many soldiers and their families. To do this, we maintained KIA WIA, Inc. by
often depleting our personal finances, savings, and maxing credit cards, as well
as taking out loans, when donations were too low to support the needs of these
people. We did this willingly, in an attempt to keep the organization going and
ultimately in the end we do not have the resources to carry on any
more. We did what we could with what we were given and we feel, here in the end,
we were successful in helping those that needed it.
Our assessment to close
our organization was based on many factors and did not come easy to us; in fact,
it remains quite painful. It included the unfortunate circumstances of our
nation’s economic situation in 2008, which, understandably limited people’s
ability to support nonprofit charitable organizations, as well as, the
Department of Defense implementing recent policies and programs, therefore
increasing the assistance available to the families of KIA and WIA soldiers.
These two aspects, although not the only influence, have played a major role in
our outcome.
Personally, it was never an option for us to be compensated for
our efforts in any way. Neither J nor I could live with the thought of receiving
compensation, while there may have been someone that needed that assistance for
survival. I averaged 40 to 50 hours a week for KIA WIA, doing marketing,
and sales, futures, promotions, managed all of the paperwork and bookkeeping, as
well as vetting people that needed assistance. It disgusted us how many
people are trying to get over and swindle non-profits under the guise of being
wounded veterans or soldiers or widows. J and I with willing support from our
children, ages 16 and 14, did all of the work to keep our organization running.
Finding people willing to commit to this cause was hard, many people delivered
accolades and told us job well done, which was and is appreciated, but does not
carry a business or its finances. As mentioned in the beginning of this blog, we
also had difficulties in raising finances, not only from individuals unable or
unwilling to donate, but also from larger, better known, non-profits competing
for the same contributions.
We chose not to spend thousands of dollars each
month on advertising, but focused on providing aid. Bigger organizations choose
to spend large sums of money on advertising and pay for their product placement,
resulting in larger contributions, as well as corporate donations. Expensive
advertising does create more income, as well as justify larger budgetary demands
inside an organization to support its infrastructure, which ultimately, creates
the illusion of legitimacy. How much of that advertising budget could have
supported a widow who was no longer the media’s focal point, but has a very real
requirement for quality of life?
Despite all of the hard work and sacrifices,
KIA WIA, Inc. was worth it, knowing that the families, soldiers, and Veterans we
helped, appreciated, needed, and put to good use, the support we were able to
provide. We know that we helped prevent two suicides and gave people hope that
they needed to continue on. They reached out and found that someone does care
for them, even though we did not know them.
Through the duration of our
non-profit’s existence, we confirmed that the people, who traditionally give the
most to any charity, are the people that themselves have shared a similar
circumstance. Of course, there are exceptions, and we are not suggesting that
the Galas, Balls, and celebrity events that produce millions of dollars in
fund-raising are not appreciated or well used. However, people who come from a
wealthy background tend not to contribute as freely to smaller organizations, or
less known or uncomfortable causes.
Please remember, “Supporting Our
Soldiers” involves more than putting a fading, yellow magnet on the back of a
car, it necessitates action. There are still many organizations across the
country that require consistent financial support, volunteer help, and donated
supplies to fill a variety of needs. People should give, obviously based on
their individual capacity, and not consider a onetime act or single donation as
a solution to the issue. Philanthropy flows from the heart and our sincerest
hope for the future, is that all Americans will take an active role supporting
the very real needs of Veterans and their families.
“K” - Vice-President and
Treasurer - KIA WIA, Inc.

www.ComeCleanKBR.com

2009-01-08T21:57:00.003-05:00

Below is a press release from Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA.org).

Please read, please consider and please, please, please, sign the petition.

Thank You,
AG

"This week reports surfaced that KBR, a military-contracting firm, may have knowingly exposed troops to dangerous toxins in Iraq. Today, I am asking you to take a stand with IAVA, and call for accountability.

In April of 2003, members of the Indiana National Guard were protecting KBR employees at a power plant in Southern Iraq. After their service, some of these troops exhibited signs of cancer, tumors and rashes, and new reports indicate that these injuries may be the result of exposure to toxins present at the site.

Incredibly, CBS News has uncovered evidence that KBR may have known about the risks months before it took any action to inform those soldiers.

So far KBR has denied any wrongdoing, despite the evidence. Sign our petition and tell KBR to come clean.

At least one Indiana Guardsman has died from lung cancer already. Others are sick. In fact, records from the CBS investigation show that 60 percent of the soldiers exposed "exhibit symptoms of exposure."

So please add your name to the petition.

We need your support to ensure that KBR works hand-in-hand with both Congress and the military to find out exactly what needs to be done to protect our veterans.

We'll be working in Washington, D.C. to ensure that Congress addresses this issue head-on with a full investigation, and outreach to the veterans who may have been affected by this and similar cases.

Help us win this fight by signing the petition today.

Thank you for your continued support."

Paul Reickhoff

Guest Post: Good Soldier on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

2008-12-18T18:53:00.001-05:00

In response to Colin Powell's statement over the weekend that the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy needs to be revisited, I have a few things to say.

First, I want to say that I genuinely respect the view that this policy should stay in place. This policy was indeed a compromise in 1993 that enabled gay and lesbian persons to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces without having to lie about their sexual orientation. That was a major step toward allowing a large number of able-bodied, competent, and honorable people the opportunity to serve their country. You may remember back in 1993 the Army’s “Soldier of the Year” during Operation Desert Storm came out as a gay man and as a powerful spokesman for the contributions of gay and lesbian persons in the military.

That being said, my response here is to point out what is *not* working about the policy. First, a few talking points, with data provided by the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network at www.sldn.org:

1. Over 11,000 men and women have been discharged under Don't Ask, Don't Tell since 1993. A 2006 Blue Ribbon Commission report found that this cost over $360 million in taxpayer dollars between 1993 and 2004.

2. An estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian persons are currently serving in the U.S. military at the peril of being fired for sexual orientation alone.

3. Women are discharged under the policy at a disproportionate rate; although women are approximately 15% of the military, 30% of homosexual discharges are women.

4. Every report commissioned by the U.S. government has stated that the ban on homosexuals in the military could be lifted without detriment to readiness.

I have also seen personally how individuals are affected by this policy as it stands:

One of my own soldiers on active duty was discharged under this policy. She did nothing wrong, and she was one of my best soldiers. Her discharge was based *solely* on her statement that she was a lesbian. That's it. That's all. And we had to process her discharge. I witnessed all of the UCMJ proceedings and can tell you that this is the absolute truth. Her discharge was a terrible loss for my section, and I resent that I had to participate in those proceedings.

I also personally knew another soldier in this same unit who was discharged under the policy, which took place after his sergeant in Afghanistan went through his personal items and found letters from his boyfriend back home. This soldier, also an excellent worker who got along well with his team, was severely harrassed and sent home from Afghanistan. Once he was home, he fought the discharge, but then he received a death threat by telephone. After that, he was willing to go through the discharge process.

Another personal friend of mine was investigated twice for alleged homosexual conduct while running convoys on a weekly basis in Afghanistan. The investigations found nothing, but stressed her out significantly during a time when she was also being stressed by such things as seeing a suicide bomber's head bounce off her windshield.

These are just three people who I happen to know. I cannot fathom the stories of thousands more who have dealt with the garbage that this policy has meant over the years.

The U.S. military has led the way in enforcing equality and fair treatment for all, with this one exception. The military was desegregated in 1948, well ahead of the Brown v. Board of Education ruling of 1954 or the desegregation of American society in the 1960s. Women were admitted into non-traditional job areas in the military in 1972 and women's strong presence in the military has been a significant contributing factor in maintaining an all-volunteer force since 1973. Has there been conflict amid the ranks because of these policies? You bet. Were they the right policies to enact at the right times? You could definitely argue to the contrary, but I happen to believe these policies were integral to advancing social justice in the United States.

If you are concerned with the safety of “out” gay or lesbian persons in the military, this is a leadership and command climate issue. Were there problems with racial integration in the military? Certainly. Racially integrated fighting men served in Korea and Vietnam as civilians rioted and murdered innocent people across the South during desegregation. Have there been ongoing problems with sexual harassment and the equal treatment of men and women? You bet, and it’s still an issue. But the enforcement of fairness and equality is at the core of who and what our military is. I do not doubt that our very capable leaders could implement a policy different from “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” both efficiently and effectively.

If you are concerned that loosening the current policy would create a problem with potentially allowing sexual misconduct, well, sexual misconduct happens every day amongst heterosexual soldiers, and it should be punished or otherwise dealt with according to the UCMJ. But, as I've mentioned, soldiers do not need to have sex with anyone to be discharged under this policy. As I see it, all sexual misconduct should be treated as sexual misconduct. All fraternization should be treated as fraternization. I do not find justice in having a far heavier penalty for homosexual sexual misconduct or fraternization than exists for heterosexual misconduct. This simply doesn't make sense to me.

The issue that I have seen that makes me believe that this policy change is needed now rather than later is the added stress this policy places on homosexual soldiers—as if being a soldier already isn't stressful enough at times—during a time of war and multiple deployments. Imagine spending an entire year deployed and not being able to talk about your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner back home, why you need to call home, why you're upset about your guy or girl back home, and so on. Or knowing that if anything happened to you, your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner would receive no support from your unit or the military. Or fearing that if you left any photos, letters, or gifts from your guy or girl out in the open, it could be used against you. Or knowing that any statement you made to any of your buddies in confidence could come out in an investigation. You could be fired just like that. Your career could end just like that. No matter how many years in service you have in, no matter how honorable your service or conduct has been.

That is the unfortunate reality of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." And I don't find it fair. I believe we can do better than that as a country and as the world’s most powerful fighting force. We have more to worry about in the military than whether our peers like boys or girls, or both. To me, it simply isn't relevant to the important job we have to do.

A Good Soldier

What AM I Up To?

2008-12-17T19:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I wonder the same thing... and then I remember a former co-worker, retired-type, say "Oh about 5'11"." I'm not quite that tall but you get the point...

I have been crazy busy. I don't even know where I left off. I'll start with November... I think the last thing I posted about was the Veterans' Day Parade with IAVA.

I returned from NYC that week and started at my new job the very next. It was quite overwhelming at first. Instead of having some down time the first few days to get my affairs in order, I started right in with my team and have been there since. To add to that, I was given a section of a proposal to write and having never written one before, found myself quite in over my head. And the hours I worked at that, were not part of my regular forty.

Add to it all, my sister's arrival from Korea. She's getting off of active duty and joining my reserve unit. We are now roommates as well! All of which is very exciting (!) but does necessitate a little bit of adjustment on behalf of both of us.

We've had out of town guests, just returned from a trip to NYC, and are leaving for Europe in less than a week! We are busy girls!

What I really want to talk about though and was wanting to get to was the newest development. (Yes, there's actually something else!)

I got this wild idea to start a women's veteran group! I've been guilty of telling the guys that they have no clue what it's like to be a woman in the military and yeah, it's kind of a complaint. Now, I'm doing something about it. I'm going to find as many women as I can that can relate!

It has gotten quite a lot of positive support and feedback. Many generous people have offered their advice and guidance as well. At the moment, I think the best advice has been to take my time in developing it. I met with six other women veterans in NYC last weekend and will be meeting with a few this weekend here in DC. After the new year, I hope to travel and meet with more. The idea is to get as many ideas as I can and to hear as many women as I can tell me what their ideas and needs are.

We're still working on a name and although I have one that I really like, I want to make sure it encompasses what a majority of the would-be members can relate to. I don't want to compete with other groups, I want to augment. I hope to bring to today's women veterans, a group that bonds and through that bonding we build friendships that last a lifetime. Through those friendships, I hope that we'll build the support we need to learn, grow, mentor and heal (for those of us that would).

My vision includes yearly retreats, philanthropic contributions to our communities, support for other veterans' advocacy groups, a resource to educate the public, but most importantly another weapon in the arsenal of America's greatness -A voice that will and needs to be heard.

"Women have been the catalyst for change throughout time," as my newest friend, Good Soldier, has said. And we will continue to be so... If for no other reason than to be there for each other... Sisters who have served.

"The City Bolsters Its Effort to Shelter Homeless Veterans"

2008-12-17T19:45:00.000-05:00

This issue, as most veterans' issues, is not only ongoing but will become more significant in light of recent economic events. As stated in the article, there was a pronounced increase in the number of veterans becoming homeless years after the Vietnam War.

If history is any indication, we may face significant challenges if not prepared tomorrow, for today's veterans. The new GI Bill was the first pivotal step in offering a number of returning service members an opportunity to pursue their education. The rewards and benefits of this are incalculable and will not only redefine a generation of combat veterans and service members but the effects will reach far into future generations, as they have with World War II Veterans. Perhaps during the pursuit of their education, combat veterans today can reset and adjust to civilian life.

Idealistic?

Maybe.

If we repeat the mistakes we made after Vietnam by giving no support, we will more than need programs like the one mentioned here.

Real American Heroes

2008-11-30T18:03:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, I have no idea how to upload this so you can read it. You can click on the picture and it will take you to a separate page where you can read the information about this Hero.

There is no need to say more...

AG

Guest Post by JSI: The Serpent's Call

2008-11-29T19:12:00.000-05:00

I spent all day yesterday watching the news and the happenings in Mumbai, India so it's not surprising that I had crazy nightmares last night. My nightmares are more frustrating to me than anything. These are particularly stressful because they don't help me release the anxiety I'm feeling, they fuel it. They frustrate me. They wind me up and I feel like I want to scream, punch something, sleep, sleep and never wake up.

In my dream, I was really angry at someone... someone I'm really angry at in real life, but had no idea how much till I started dreaming about physically hurting this person. Is that normal? Is it normal to dream about unadulterated rage? I couldn't hurt this person enough. I couldn't "get back at" this person enough. And when he bled in my dream, I felt it wasn't enough. And all day today, I feel exhausted. I feel angry. I feel this undercurrent of fury. I don't actually want to hurt anyone or anything but I feel like there's this person inside of me who does and she can't get out because I won't let her... so she's even more furious.

I can see how those who suffer from severe and extreme PTSD can do unmentionable things. They can't control the beast inside of them. They can't keep it at bay. But I don't see us as crazy. I don't see them as crazy... and I don't think I'm walking on that fine line. I see us that recognize what we're capable of, as normal. The rest of you that are in denial are the ones that are not normal. I believe that every human being has the capacity to do and think the things that some of us have done and think. But something about combat brings that character to the forefront of your mind. That beast becomes acknowledged and once its acknowledged, it's almost like it knows you've seen it and it won't leave you alone. It feels like a constant struggle to keep it at bay. For the stronger of us, it's not common and it doesn't happen often. And I don't know if it's here because I'm alone or if it's just here and it's a good thing I'm alone.

I should probably go watch a movie.

Most people would drink. I can't really drink though... and if I did, it would probably just get stronger and I would end up doing something stupid, like lashing out at someone I love and trying to make them feel as much emotional pain as I am. Misery loves company. It truly does. Let no one tell you differently.

It's times like these where I feel that I will be forever alone. I know there are hundreds, thousands even, of people out there who can hear and see me. I know they know what I'm talking about, but I am alone in this. You can throw your therapists and your kind words and your good intentions to the four winds. I got this. I've taken care of myself so long that I can't remember it ever being any different... and I can take care of me now.

But you should know what lurks inside of me lurks inside of you. You should be aware that we all have our demons... but I'm stronger than you because I know they exist. I've met them... I've seen them... I know them. That is the difference between the me you know now and the me I was before I left.

That is the apple I ate at the serpent's beckoning.

I heart CNN

2008-11-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

Today, I actually had to work. So yes, while all of you were out shopping, I was paying especially close attention to the news... both CNN and that OTHER station.

Interestingly... every hour at least once an hour, CNN aired the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of American (IAVA), CommunityofVeterans.org commercial. The slots to air that commercial are donated and throughout the height of today's tragic happenings in India, a break in the reporting of the tragedy showed Bryan Adams walking down a vacant New York City street to be met by Todd Bowers. Real vets, commercializing real issues.

America might just wake up after all.

I'm both proud of IAVA and I'm looking forward to all of the amazingly good things that are going to come about because of the hard work they're doing. And I'm humbled by the veterans and friends of our generation who sign up, use their voices and get active.

I can't wait to see what the future holds in store for all of us but I know that with the support of many and especially each other (vet to vet), we will achieve greater things in a fraction of the time that our predecessors did. This is the first generation of veterans to ever get so active DURING a conflict. We can make changes now so that those who are coming in to follow in our footsteps, won't have the same hurdles and challenges others have had.

I guess that's part of the great advantage of being an "immediate gratification" society.

Don't forget that while you were at the mall getting annoyed and stressed out over the sheer madness of our capitalistic worship, some of our peers were eating MREs for the umpteenth time, getting their gear ready for their next mission, laying out flight plans, analyzing data, pulling 12 hour security, searching for UXO, IEDs and weapons caches, observing the enemy, leading soldiers, emailing boyfriends/girlfriends wishing they were home with them, carrying around pictures of their families...

Just never forget to remember them... not just on Thanksgiving, but Every. Single. Day. For one moment of your hectic bustlin' about to find the perfect sales, remember that there are people in the world who don't have the luxury to stuff their faces and spend all day the next couple of days shopping for unnecessary items. There are soldiers out there who are serving overseas who are losing their homes, whose families are on welfare and there are those who are coming back homeless and suffering from conditions that they have no control over... Know that there is a significant majority of combat veterans who are not telling you what they're really going through because they don't really know themselves.

Just remember how fortunate we all are to be here... in this amazing place and please, no matter what you do or how much money your throw away on a commercialized holiday that's lost most of its significance, don't forget that the luxury of doing so comes at a great cost to our nation and to those that came before us that secured the path to these opportunities for us.

Now go stimulate the economy.

Cheers.

Veterans' Day Parade - NYC

2008-11-26T23:06:00.000-05:00

Before I lose track and the gap in time becomes too long... I should blog about my trip to NYC as a guest of IAVA.

I had quit my job on the Friday before and was supposed to start my new job on that Monday but asked to have my start date pushed back so I could attend the Veterans' Day Parade in NYC and the Heroes' Gala with IAVA.

Wouldn't you know that my car would break down on Sunday night before my flight? I had to call a friend and have him come and help me. He sat there in the parking lot with me until one o'clock in the morning when the tow truck showed up. We towed my car to the dealership to get fixed and rather than walk home, the guy bent the rules and gave me a ride. What else would I have done? Call a cab at that hour? By the time it would have shown up, I'd have been home.

The dealership called me while I was at the airport the next day and told me it was my starter. About $800. Nice. In between jobs and now, no car. In keeping with my goal to pay off all of my debt, I had very little in the coffers... and who knows when I'd see my next paycheck! And what to do about transportation when I got back from NYC? My new job, not surprisingly in contrast to my luck, was no where near Metro accessible!

I blackberried an email to my sister who was to arrive in two weeks and asked her if I could borrow her vehicle parked at my parents' home. More on that later...

I managed to get on the plane and on my way to NYC but after the $50 + tip cab ride to the hotel, check-in and such... I was too exhausted to do much else but veg on the bed and watch that brainwashing and entrancing box with the moving, colored pictures and obnoxious noises. I ventured out finally, to get some food from the Thai place next door and ran into Carlos Leon checking in at the front desk. I offered to share my food with him, but he wasn't much into spicy so we got him a filet mignon from upstairs and he hijacked my TV to watch sports while I tried supress my severe aversion to basketball (but only because he switched back and forth between a football game... which is far more tolerable!) I fell asleep almost as soon as I finished my meal and Carlos, ever the gentleman, excused himself to his room.

The day of the parade, Veterans' Day 2008, was filled with anticipation and excitement. We all met at Starbucks and registered people and passed out hats, shirts and passes for people to get in to the relaunch of the Intrepid and the IAVA after party. We walked down to the Intrepid and sat through the very interesting entertainment of 80's pop stars attempting country songs, karaoke style. Yeah. We saw Hillary speak, George W. Bush and the Commandant of the Marine Corps, Conway. There were some others, but they talked a great deal about the Intrepid and how we got to that moment that day, where it was being launched as a museum. Pretty impressive and it was all I could not to sob during the video... which was embarrassing. I couldn't stop the tears or even attempt to be sneaky about it! It was such a sentimental video of the sacrifices of our troops and our fellow countrymen and women.

After the parade, we walked down the closed off streets of NYC and met up with the rest of our group who had ridden/walked the main part of the parade. It was an amazing experience. I say that a lot but I'm just so fortunate to get to experience these things and recognize the significance of such moments. The people in NYC. Oh.My.Goddess. They are every shape, size, race and nationality. They hail from all over America and all over the world. There were not minorities on the street that day. There were no Chinese people or Arabs. There were no Irishmen or Ethiopians. That day... all of NYC was American. That's how it felt to me. People waived their flags... they clapped... they held signs. It wasn't anything like you see in the movies when the vets came home from WWII... but it was all of that and more to me. And it wasn't about me. I wasn't who they were cheering for. It was everyone I was with... it was our group... my brothers and sisters in service. We would come upon some sections with a little bit more people than others and they would see our sign, "Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America" and they would start clapping Thank you for your service! I was paralyzed. I was holding the flag and it was all I could do to not start tearing up and crying again. I was overcome with emotion... I was overcome with guilt and I was filled with pride for my comrades... and my fellow Americans. I can't describe that feeling any other way. I must have looked like a robot... holding the flag. Don't drop the flag, Don't lower it, either... the American flag never salutes... it is always at Present Arms. It lowers for no one but our honored dead... Training kicks in during stressful situations and I went into Color Guard mode. I marched like an idiot... in my one person color guard... up there in front of the group, holding on to that wood for dear life. I wanted to melt into the street... to be an unwitnessed observer flying above it all... I didn't want to be walking. I wished and longed for the day that our small group of under 40 or so vets could be more than 4,000... 40,000... for the day that it could be ALL of us!

I felt that we were such a small representation of what is out there... and it was all I could do to not lose complete control. It wasn't until the end... when one of the marines came up from the group and took the flag from me and ran around our group... then ran around the groups in front of and behind us that I started to let go of the guilt and I smiled. This is what it's about... I have to be here now... for those who can't be and for those who will be someday. I don't know why I thought that because really... it wasn't the main parade and it so was not a big deal but something about that day... about that moment... about the hours and minutes that a large part of America (I hope) gave pause for a moment and considered us... even if for just a moment.

It's been a couple of weeks and I'm still feeling all of this pretty strongly.

It was a heady experience.

Towards the end, I lightened up and I seemed to take my first breaths. The guilt had left me for a few moments.

Then the after party came. We met up at Turtle Bay in NYC and the snacks and drinks were compliments of IAVA. Everyone was having a good time and I took a hundred pictures with everyone. A band played and there was a lot of merriment. I kept thinking that something was missing and after a bit, I realized what it was... I took a moment to reflect and I thought we needed to do a toast to absent friends. I looked for Paul but after not finding him, my dear friend talked the bartender into turning the music off for a minute. It all happened so quickly that I didn't have time to think of anything very eloquent to say... but I stood on the bar stool and asked everyone to please not forget those we served with that couldn't be there with us that day... (or any other day.) I raised my glass, took my drink and closed my eyes. Then a couple of the guys came and carried my down and MTV came up and asked me to sign some releases. I could have given two shits about their releases so I just signed... and I put the smile back on my face and forced myself, or is "let" myself?, to have a good time. One of our new friends got me and Combat Infantry Bunny & friend, tickets to the Blue Man Group from the USO at the Soldiers', Sailors', and Airmen club so off we went for Cuban food and Blue men. Yummy.

I had so much fun that day... I cried, I laughed, I felt extreme guilt and I felt incredible release... I accepted my place and I gave thanks for the opportunities to be a part of it all, to BE. I'm so proud of my fellow service members... and I'm so honored to be a part of the legacy that they leave behind. I am humbled by the sacrifice of all of those who have served before me and I am amazed and in utter disbelief that I am actually a part of that. I don't feel it and I don't feel worthy of the gratitude of others that is bestowed on me. I still don't feel a part of it, or like I deserve it, or have earned it. There are still wars going on and I'm celebrating being a veteran? My fellow Americans are over there... working around the clock, pulling security, patrolling streets, talking to locals, searching and seeking and trying to do their part... and I'm at a freakin' parade...

But I am selfishly and vainly very pleased I got to be a part of that... and yes, I feel guilty about that as well.

Questions about the Army

2008-11-23T09:10:00.003-05:00

Ladies, any advice for Lu?

Hi Army Girl,

I need major help. My name is Lu. I am 23 and considering joining the Army. Im a girl too and I finished my college degree, its just that I feel lost right now and don't know what to do. I wanted to ask you about life in the army. How did you choose to go? What do you think about it now? I want to explore my options in it. I have tons of questions, here they go:

How are girls treated in the army?
What is a day like in the army?
What do you pay for while in the army?
Are they mean to you in the army?
Do they always make you work like 12 hr days?
How often do you get to come home?
What if my mom is soo against it?

That's it for now, please help me!

Thank you very much!!"

Some answers from one of my mentors:

How are girls treated in the army? It depends on if the woman is carrying her own weight or being a "damsel in distress". Once through basic training, you are a soldier and expected to act like one.

What is a day like in the army? It is different in basic training and individual advanced training. What an average day is like depends on the type of unit you go to and in what part of the world.

What do you pay for while in the army? It depends if you live in the barracks or off the base. My experience has been that women always have to pay for their own civilian clothes, underwear, toiletries and cosmetics.

Are they mean to you in the army? In basic training the drill sergeants are very strict with all the trainees. Its the only way to learn all the rules about how to get along with others and work as a team the "Army Way"

Do they always make you work like 12 hr days? It depends what kind of unit you are in and where you are stationed. I have worked in several units where the days are longer that 12 hours and a couple where the normal day was 9 hours, but we were "on call" on our "off hours" and weekends"

How often do you get to come home? Any time your unit allows a weekend pass and you have the money to pay for your way home and back. If the unit has a field exercise or a deployment on the schedule, they will not likely allow a weekend pass.

What if my mom is soo against it? She should talk to another mother of a soldier about how the service changed their child or matured them and how it provides a family and home away from home. Plus the military provides transferable skills which help soldier get jobs after they complete their service obligations.

Another response from a fellow army girl:

To lost Lu,

I would do it! If not for anything else but for living with no regrets. I joined right out of high school not truly knowing what I wanted. I too got many speeches about not joining, but then decided on the road less traveled and it turns out...its not as untraveled as I thought. I've only been in a few years and I know that the army career isn't for me, but never once have I regretted my decision. If you don't do it for the mere curiosity of wondering if you can or having to think back in life as to why you didn't, then do it for the people you'll meet and the experiences they'll put you through and the hundred stories you'll have later. Men and women don't always get treated the same because... well we're not the same, but don't think that women don't make it up the ranks and earn respect like all others. At times the army can be like a 9-5 job and sometimes you end up working a lot. Like anything, it has its ups and downs, its highs and lows. Are people mean, yes. That's not the the army that's just people. For every mean person you encounter, there will be nice ones right along with it. And in regards to your mom, who doesn't understand her fears? Be respectful of them, but when it comes down to it, this is your life and no matter what, your mom is your mom and she'll love you and be proud, that's what moms do.

-From,
Someone found

Female Soldier's Rebuttal

2008-11-21T05:00:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure you've figured out by now, this counseling statement was very real. In response to that statement, this is what the Soldier wrote. "COC" means Chain of Command.

The Soldier who went through this was new to the active duty Army and was 20 years old. She's now an NCO in her own right and has dealt with numerous Soldier issues from a leadership position. Her current reflection of these incidents will be posted here in a few days.

I think it's important to take these types of events/incidents and learn something from them. There were many ways that this situation could have been handled differently, and I feel that I failed in all of this as well. But my excuses are not important. What's important is what I take away from all of this and how I address such issues in the future...

Cheers,
AG

SUBJECT: Negative Counseling Statement Comments

On 18 March 2006, I, [redacted] was counseled on disobeying a direct order of not being by myself and of wearing excessive makeup. I was not able to add comments to the counseling statement at that time I was being counseled because I was appalled and caught off guard by everything that was going on. I was incapable of producing comments that would not be blinded by my emotions. Today I have calmed down and am able to view the counseling statement in retrospect.

I feel that I have always been a good soldier. I do whatever tasks given to me to the best of my ability without asking questions. I feel as if I’ve always done my best to portray myself, my section, and my unit in a professional manner

I understand that there have been events that have occurred which have hindered my right to walk anywhere by myself out of the (compound). But putting those events on my counseling statement was unnecessary. It’s as if I am being blamed for the events that have occurred. I thought that by being a good soldier, I would let my COC know what happened. With the first incident that occurred with a certain individual, MSG "J" and SSG "S" informed me to tell the individual I was uncomfortable. Maybe they did not understand my intent in telling them, but I was uncomfortable telling the certain individual that I was uncomfortable. (The MSG). I feel that I should not be blamed or ridiculed for something that was not my fault. Someone of his stature and rank should not be doing those things to be in the first place. He should know better. I should not be punished for something that I did not do.

I do not recalled MSG J telling me that I had too much makeup on when I was conducting my training. I recall reaching into my makeup bag to obtain chapstick and MSG J telling me to “take it easy on the makeup.” I thought that he assumed I was adding more on, so no action was taken on my part. At no other time did I ever recall being directly ordered to tone down my makeup.

I have worn makeup at AIT, Fort "X", and initially when I got to AF. The same amount of makeup that I have worn in ACUs/BDUs is the same amount that I wear in civilian clothes. I was never spoken to or counseled regarding the amount of makeup I wore at Fort X, Fort X, and here at AF. I feel as if I was in conjunction was AR 670-1, which states, “females may wear cosmetics if they are conservative and complement the uniform and their complexion.” No one had ever spoken to me prior to deployment regarding my makeup. If my command had a problem with it before, I should have been told directly to tone it down. I was in civilian clothes, ready to go to "duty." I wasn’t even in uniform,. I feel as if I was adhering to the MFR for the Relaxed Grooming Standards, and no where in the MFR does it state anything about the misuse of makeup.

If my COC felt as if I was wearing too much, I feel that the appropriate thing to do would have been to pull me aside and tell me to tone it down. I would have had no problem doing this. I have been told that I am a good soldier. MSG J told me so during my counseling, I have never disobeyed a direct order, nor have I never not completed a task.

At no time did I ever feel like I was dressed in a provocative manner exuding the “night club” feel as so blatantly stated in my counseling statement. I have always felt that I have worn civilian clothing that was tactful and conservative. At no time did I ever expose any part of my body other than my neck, face, and hands. I have never worn any type of civilian clothing that exuded and emanated a sense of promiscuity. At NO TIME did I ever feel like I was wearing clothes that would tempt males to think inappropriate thoughts. Please let me know if I’m wrong. And even if I did, it’s not my fault that they think that way. It’s like saying a girl who wears a miniskirt “asked for it” because of what she was wearing.

On the two occasions I went to the "X" for training my attire was approved. I do not understand where I went wrong. Please let me know so I can defend myself against such incongruous accusations.

There have been numerous occasions where I have gone places by myself. Every Tuesday, I was under the impression that I was authorized to go places alone because it was my half day off and no one else was. On 05 March, on or about 1520 HLT, SSG S and CW2 D observed me walking to the salon by myself. They did not say anything. There have been numerous occasions where I have come into work early, by myself, and no one has said anything. There was even an instance where I was told to go to the cell phone store to find out how much a cell phone charger was. No one said anything. I even consulted an NCO regarding the confusion of this matter I feel that the confusing was never fully addressed by my COC.

Never in my time here at AF have I put myself in a dangerous sitatuon. I do not walk alone at night and I do not walk in areas that I know dangerous situations could occur. I am smarter than that. Apparently it seems as if I am, “asking for it to happen.”

I am under the impression that this counseling statement was written because my NCOs feel as if I am going to get raped. It is as if it is inevitable, and this is a way of starting a paper trail so that they will not get into trouble, so their lanes would be covered.

I feel as if I’m being discriminated against and punished because of all the issues that I have caused. Since my second day at AF, I’ve had male related issues. NONE of which have been my fault. I have told my NCOs about all of them. I am truly sorry for everything. I have stated on numerous occasions that I feel like I’m more of a nuisance than a help, and this counseling statement reconfirms my belief.

This counseling statement over issues so minute and miniscule is extremely unnecessary, discriminatory, and sexist. These numerous female huddles and rules are aimed at victimizing us and destroying our morale, as it has done mine. It is not our fault that these things happen to us. It’s not like we entice them to do the things they do, or to think the way that they think. The double standard is definitely in play in this environment and I am fully aware of that. Instead of talking to the females in such a demeaning and condescending way, someone needs to talk to all of the males about their inappropriate behavior. It is not our fault that males do not know the proper way to interact with females in a combat environment.

I hope that my reasons for feeling the way I do are understood. I may go to EO, and am taking this time to inform my COC that I may do so. I need some more time to view everything in retrospect. I honestly feel as if I cannot talk to anyone in my direct COC regarding any of my issues. This has been thrown way out of proportion. I know that my actions have repercussions but I do not feel as if I have done anything malicious to deserve this.

Master Sergeant Counsels Female Soldier for Appearing "Ready for a Night at the Club" in Combat

2008-11-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

You decide... did this really happen in OUR Army?

On Feb 22, you were ordered by myself to not go anywhere by yourself due to 2 events. 1 was a Soldier following you, and another was that another Soldier (MSG) was acting unprofessional towards you. I made it clear that this order was not to infringe your freedom of movement, but to protect you.

Afterwards, when you were sent over to the [redacted] to get qualified in [redacted], I told you that you had too much makeup on, and that it didn't add to being able to (do your job) in the [redacted].

Since then, there has been two more incidents involving the MSG (coat/guard duty).

On 18 Mar 06, CW2 Hanson* observed you walking by yourself with heavy makeup on. This runs contrary to a) my direct order to you and b) common sense.

One would think that after the events that have visited you while here at [redacted], you would have taken my order to heart and not done anything to draw excess attention to yourself. You have not.

Your actions endanger yourself beyond my ability to keep you safe. Your disregard for my order and my advice leave me with no choice but to counsel you in this matter.

You are well aware of General Order Number One, no sex. The fact that there are a mulitude of young males here with no legal access to females further complicates the issue and endangers yourself.

You are informed that a separation action may be initiated against you if this behavior continues under AR 635-200, chapter 13, unsatisfactory performance. If a separation action is initiated against you, you could be separated with an Honorable, General or Other than Honorable discharge. If you receive a General or Other than Honorable discharge, you could expect to encounter substantial prejudice in civilian life. You may also be ineligible for many or all benefits that are available to veterans, and you may forfeit your contributions to the GI Bill Education Program. It is not likely that you would be successful in any attempt to upgrade the character of your discharge once you have been discharged.

Plan of Action:

- You will wear no makeup. This is a combat environment. This applies to uniform and civilian clothes.

- You will adhere to my order. No travel outside of the [compound] without a Mountain Buddy. 24/7. If you deviate from this order again, I will recommend UCMJ action to the command.

- You will dress conservatively when authorized civilian clothes. You will not appear ready for a night at the club. This is for your own protection.

What are your thoughts on this counseling? I'll reveal later what was and wasn't real at a later date... first, without any background... consider what you've read.

AG

November 18, 2008 & My NYC Trip Day 1

2008-11-18T19:33:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else get way more sleep in the winter time than they do in the summer? I've just returned home in the last hour or so and all I want to do is brush my teeth, wash my face and climb into bed! : )

Instead, I'm going to blog real quick, and take Maverick out for a walk.

Maverick. Tomorrow he goes to the vet for his updated shots and in the evening we're going to meet a potential new family. I might actually be able to hold on to this mature feeling and go through the motions of finding him a new home. I don't think I can keep him. I know I shouldn't despite how much I love him. He is everything I ever wanted in a dog, even with his minor faults.

I don't want to talk about it. I my talk myself out of it.

Today was day two at the new job and I'm feeling inspired. On day two, I was introduced to several key members and through some of the connections and experiences I have, I am able to discern that I am so much more in my element than I was at my last job. My last job was dead end. It was monotony. It was repetition without movement and boredom without pause. What was I thinking staying there long enough to hate it? Long enough to ask myself what the hell was I thinking? I guess I do that every few years. In 2003 after I quit real estate, I took the entire year off and did nothing but play Xbox and PC games. Detox. That's what we'll call it. I spent the last year, detoxing.

Now it's time to get down and dirty. I'm at a company that I feel great about. I've heard not a single negative thing about it and I've talked to a number of people. In fact, my last boss knew he couldn't compete when I told him where I was going. He didn't try. It's perfect for someone like me... ambitious, perfectionist, and gets bored easily. I can do something new and work on new projects every couple of years but still move up in the company. I can go to school, learn new trades and focus on building a true career... if I decide I want it.

It's invigorating... I feel as if I've woken up from a very long and deep slumber and now I crave movement, challenge and opportunity.

But more on that as the days go by...

I want to mention the trip to NYC.

Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America invited me to attend the 2008 Heroes' Gala in which they honored Sir Arnold Fisher of the Fisher House and many other notable soldier support charities as well as Scott Winkler and Carlos Leon, both wounded veterans that competed in the Para-Olympics (I'm not sure how that's spelled.)

I arrived there on Monday and checked in early to The Beekman Tower Hotel that IAVA had reserved for me. After unpacking, stopping by the corner deli and getting freshened up, I did an interview with a representative from Bill Moyers's show on PBS. I then grabbed some delicious Thai food from the place next door and ran into Carlos in the lobby of the hotel. I invited him to have dinner with me so we got him some food from the restaurant upstairs and settled in to watch sports. I thought the interview went well, but it was long and I wish I hadn't said as much as I had about me... but it was wasted worrying time because they didn't use much of my interview at all... I think two lines total.

Carlos was my buddy during the trip. I was asked to be his "guardian" during the gala, which meant that I would make sure he got where he needed to be to receive his award, had whatever food or drinks he wanted... and generally was his right hand (wo)man. Whatever he needed, I would try to help with. Lucky stud, he had his beautiful sister there and a friend of theirs so he hardly needed me...

That was it for the first day though. I felt intimidated by the city and was emotionally drained from the nervousness I felt about the interview. I thought it would go away after the interview but then I was just nervous about what they would use in the piece... turns out, I needn't have worried at all.

I fell asleep watching the Cardinals and 49er's so Carlos went back to his room... but all in all it was a great day and I was so looking forward to the Veterans' Day Parade and Gala.

: )

More to come...

Project Valour IT

2008-11-16T22:09:00.000-05:00

I'm a little late in joining this year, but I hope that I can still help out!

For the past few years, we've had a friendly inter-service competition to see who can raise more money for Valour-IT.

Look up the info here.

As you can see, it's for a really great cause.

Click the link to the left and donate.

Thank you Chuck and Soldiers' Angels for all you do. I'll never tire of typing that.

Cheers

www.CommunityofVeterans.org

2008-11-14T15:20:00.002-05:00

Before I blog about anything else, I want to blog about this...

www.CommunityOfVeterans.org

If you are a veteran of Iraq/Afghanistan, please consider joining the group. Think Facebook for Veterans only. It's in its early stages but membership will grow as the word spreads.

"Join our veterans-only online community to connect with people who know where you're coming from. Share your experiences and help others make the transition to civilian life. Stronger Together."

I don't have to explain this to troops. We know what it means to have a good mentor or sponsor. But for everyone else out there, there's a long standing tradition in the military that isn't as adhered to as much anymore. We've seemed to have lost a lot of our traditions... sadly. In any case, when a soldier would conduct a PCS or get stationed at another location approximately every 1-3 years, he would be assigned a sponsor at his new base. Usually these sponsors would in some way have similar living conditions as the incoming soldier. For example if a married soldier with wife and young children were to relocate from Fort Hood to Fort Stewart, his new sponsor at Fort Stewart would call him up and assist him with any questions and issues he might have as well as provide information on schools, housing, etc.

That's what this is. www.CommunityOfVeterans.org is an online community set up to assist redeploying soldiers with the transitions they go through from combat to garrison life, from life with their buddies to life with their families and friends. Discussions can be started by members and stories told and shared. There are links to resources that make getting answers super easy.

Now what about families you might ask?

www.SupportYourVet.org is on its way. This site will be an invaluable resource for families and friends of veterans. Not sure what questions to ask? What topics are OK to discuss? Wonder what the different phases of coming home are for veterans? Want clarification or to talk to someone who might be going through some of the same things you and your family are? Then connect with these other families and friends of veterans through www.SupportYourVet.org.

More on these two sites to come... but please take a look. I can talk about different issues in that forum that I can't talk about on Facebook or Myspace. You can too. Hope to see you there.

AG

November 13, 2008

2008-11-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

Between the computer dying, my car needing a new starter, being in between jobs and the various other little money-sucking adventures to have happened upon me in the last week... I am in somewhat of a tizzy.

There is so much to document and put into words but I have yet the energy or time to do so...

This past week, despite the nearly successful attempts by Murphy (read: my alter ego, the Saboteur) to ruin it, has been amazing and unforgettable.

I will do my best to find the time to share and get it all typed out... I'm admittedly as much of a pack rat with my memories as I am all else in this physical world. I'm trying to be less of a tangibles pack rat and more of an intangible one!

For those of you who have emailed me, please note that I have at best, 10 minutes of viable computer time as the Alien tires quickly and when it's had enough, gives me the blue screen of death. Due to imminent car troubles, I will not be able to get a new computer for a while. I plan on driving my current car into the ground despite those who would dissuade me... so yes, I'm going to pay to have it fixed! Ironically, my car waited till I took a job which has no Metro access to finally give out. Punk.

For those of you who are seeking support or would like for me to post information about your charity/organization... Please understand that I have little time to research the legitimacy of your organization. Please provide me with more than an internet site as how am I to ensure to my two readers that your organization is not a front for some ill-intentioned group or agenda? Sorry to second guess, but these days, I seem to be getting so many of these requests and I am ever the skeptic.

For those of you I have recently become acquainted with that might take a gander at my humble web log, I beg your forgiveness for not either touching base with you or for not being able to reply to emails, etc. I'm excited about all of the amazing people I've met this past week and I am grateful for the prospect of new friends.

I think this is about as much as I can get out now. I have to attempt to recover from my trip and get my physical surroundings in order so I can focus on my new job next week. I also have some decisions that need to be made here very soon. I've decided... as I knew I would, that I will not be getting out in April. I can't. Not while there are still warS going on. I just haven't decided what to do with my career yet. Do I pursue another field or stay in the one I'm in? Do I stay enlisted or do I go Warrant or Officer? For now, I will stay on Active Reserve rather than going IIR. I have plans for a deployment next summer and I am very much looking forward to it.

Till the next time the Alien pulls through for me...

Cheers

Soldiers' Angels Gala 2008

2008-11-01T12:54:00.005-04:00

"Republicans and Democrats are joining hands across the aisle to assist Soldiers' Angels! House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (Dem-MD) and House Minority Whip Roy Blunt (Rep-MO) are hosting a Washington DC gala for Soldiers' Angels on November 6, just two days after the presidential election. Master of Ceremonies for the event will be Al Hunt, Washington Editor of Bloomberg News, and the keynote speaker will be Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff"

I'll be attending this Gala next week courtesy of the Matt from Blackfive and I'm totally excited! Soldiers' Angels has been around for quite a long time and they do a great deal for troops and their families.

They are one of, if not, the largest soldier support organization out there with programs for deployed troops, veterans, wounded veterans and veterans families. They also work with Project Valour-IT and boast of sponsors such as Dunkin' Donuts, The Coffee Bean, Green Beans Coffee (which is located throughout the deployment locations), the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts of America, The Make a Wish Foundation and various other companies and corporations.

Stay tuned... There will be more about this event in the days to come!