Around The World In Beautiful Shoes

Temporary renaissance

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 13:26:00 +0000

It is quite funny how life twists and turns and sometimes one ends up looking back on themselves. I have never thought that I would ever come back here, to this blog for any purpose, especially not to bring it back to life even if temporarily.

The pink wallpaper misrepresents me as much as the naïvete present in my writing of more than four years ago. Then, of course, if I was to be completely honest - I would admit that I was making a web of illusion to cover up what was inevitable. After all the blog died with my marriage which probably says a thing or two about what kind of person I was back then.

I did not edit. I did not censor. I simply republished everything as it once was. Really it is a very poor coming of age story but then the purpose of this blog was to help me improve my English. Which whilst will always need improving in one way or another (as nothing is perfect); my command of the language presently is so good that the blog became unnecessary.

Now it shall function as a portfolio, however poor, after all one should never be ashamed of having been young and stupid.

Farewell or until we meet again

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:32:00 +0000

I am writing this as my last post on this blog. It has been a great pleasure to work and try to improve myself here. I met some amazing people. Wrote a load of rubbish. Had a lot of fun. However due to current circumstances I know, I will never again be able to be completely honest here and pour my heart out. Time has come, unfortunately, I have to close one door ot open another. I would like to use this post to say thank you to all of those who bothered to read, support and even praise me. Some of you have become like pillars to hold on to in dark times. Something to look forward to. I am not in a dark place right now and things are looking up. However I know I will not be able to cencor my self enough to continue writing here. I fell in love with my blog long time ago and it has been great pleasure and experience writing here. I learned so much. Thank you to all of you and I promise not to disappear. One day if we are meant to we will find one another either in world wide web or in physical world once again. I am sure...
Farewell.
CG

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:47:00 +0000

All I have to do is wait a while... It is so great we do not own property and there is nothing to settle. We really do not need to talk to each other or see each other again. I really want a divorce now. I wish I was smart enough to sort it out all by myself. I am kind of loving my new found independence. It will sound awful but I feel like somebody took really big chains off me and now I just want to get going. Get out there live. Maybe he was right we have outgrown each other, but in my eyes, i have tried enough. I wonder how does one tell things like that to their parents? Hi dad, how are you today? I am getting divorced. My marriage is over. Yeah I know you were all ashamed of me marrying him anyway but I was not and I am not now. It was the right thing to do at the time even if it feels shitty now. I am slipping back into my darker self and i absolutely love it!
I do not know what is ending and what is beginning the lines are blured, but i am sure it will be fine in the end, i would not get more than i can handle ever. Life can not crush me because I love being alive too much.

Monday - quote day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:33:00 +0000

"It takes courage to be the author of your life. When you are struggling through one of the difficult parts of turning your dreams into reality, you may wonder why you always get stuck with having to put up with so much fear and uncertainty. Why, you wonder, couldn't I feel more courageous, like those other people do? You don't feel courageous because courage is not an emotion. There is no such thing as feeling "courageous". It is an imaginary emotion. Courage consists of doing what you said you would do even when you don't want to. In the face of danger you have a choice to be the delegate of either your commitments or your feelings. It's as simple and as difficult as that."
- Nicholas Lore, "The Pathfinder"

when it turns ugly

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:38:00 +0000

then you do it ugly and so do i. breaking news i am not longer married. fucking non sense. true though. i am so angry i could strangle someone right now. apparently there is no such ting as a polite divorce.
i thought i was a good wife, but who am i to say, a complete nut case i am. it hurts but not enough to make me cry. thank you graham for teaching me NOT to cry. now i can go through the motions without showing emotions. i suppose we all get what we deserve in the end.

Monday - quote day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:34:00 +0000

"We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on."

- Amy Marie Walz

To be English

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:01:00 +0000

is to be able to discuss the beauty of an autumn day. Sunny, cloudy and golden I say, knowing that I can not come up with the right words but i try nevertheless... To be English is to know how to moan about the rain and not love it, but I say, I love the sound of rain on single glazed windows and tin roof. To be English is to rush to work in the snow that you know you will get stuck in, I say, stay at home snuggle up under the blanket, it snows only for a week in England these days.. To be English is to wait for Spring but as soon as it comes wait for summer, having as many daffodils in your living room as possible, I say spring is beautiful in it's own right, yes it is damp, windy and mucky but it is always like that in England. To be English is to rush to the beach, park, country house at the first signs of heat wave I say, stay at home, be lazy absorb the heat but do not get killed by it... So I know I am not English and I know I will never be English but is still nice to discuss the colours of the autumn leaves on Monday afternoon while walking a dog somewhere in Hampshire.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:46:00 +0000

-->

We are born and we die, what happens in between apparently is up to us, which is falsehood hammered into our heads. One third of our life (at least) depends on our parents(and lets hope that they are nice people and won't screw you up to start with) and then hopefully the other two thirds depend on us, but that is unlikely. The truth is one third depends on our parents and then the other two on our partners, husbands, wives, friends and other buggers who come our way etc.. You know the worst part? We ask for it.

We surround ourselves with morons or we end up being surrounded by them. You know the kind of people that do not understand such terms as hypocrisy, oxymoron and the likes. Most of the time I do not understand such terms either. In fact any word that has 10+ letters is a big word for my dictionary stashed somewhere in between the rare wrinkle or two in my grey (which really is pink) tissue, but I still feel that I am surrounded by idiots who do not and will not ever want to understand me. I jump from job to job, from one attitude to another, I think I am depressed and then I think I am happy because I think I can fix my problems and the problems of the world. Whereas in fact the problem is ongoing and incurable. No one ever can be fully happy. We are designed that way and more western we are the more it shows on us. We are never happy about the things we do have, why? There are better things out there! We are never happy about our relationships because we think we could do better. But could we? Or are we downgrading each time when we really want an upgrade? So we get that house (which even I personally was only inches away from getting) then the misery starts, plumbing is bad, house needs rewiring, the roof needs replacing. We constantly create problems because we like them and we need them and we can not live without them. If we did not have problems we would have nothing to moan about. Small talk could not exist. I think. I have a job an asset a lot of people do not have. I have food – there are people starving in this planet of abundance. I have comfort – and I know what it is like to live without it. But do I appreciate it? NO. NO. NO. Because I am greedy self obsessed human being like the rest of us. And even when we do have all we desired – what do we do? We want MORE. Where is the satisfaction? Where is the joy? I do not think even the best provided female with the highest quantity of quality shoes can fulfill her urges for happiness. Why? Because there is always another pair to have!

I know this. I see this. I understand this. I have only 2 pairs of shoes with me at the time. I own around 6 pairs. I have shed the vast quantities of junk for simplicity but I still hoard. I do not know how to learn to appreciate the pure simplicity of life which is right under my nose to be taken appreciated and loved. Instead I chose self torture and abuse. When will I grow up? Bugger the rest of the planet. I think I know what I want. How come I am not getting it? See that verb again - get in present continuous usually expressing the action of ACQUIRING something. I am possessive and I hate it.

Why do I think I have finally grown up and then I lapse into the moment of utter misery and assume I am acting childish again. Is it childish to say things we feel but fear to admit? How come I have so many questions and so few answers?

In fact the whole concept of relating happiness to unanimous objects it is absolutely daft and ridiculous! I want to be free from stuff. I want to be free of morons. I simply want to be free.

I feel like I am sinking but I know I will survive. I always do. Up and down like a yo-yo I can cure the scratches and the bruises but can I make my soul feel complete? What am I missing? What can I not see? Why do I think it is so complicated when in fact it should be simple... I have to learn. No school will teach me that though. Will it?

Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:10:00 +0000

I am so angry I could split open and make the whole world dirty! I am angry because I am too nice. Because I obey all the rules and keep my mouth shut about my work. I am angry because I have no balls to write what I feel and think. I am angry because I am pretending half the time. I am angry because like most of the population I am living a lie. I am angry because I am always so nice I don't want to be nice anymore. I am angry because I care when I shouldn't. I am angry because I can't say what I think, because when I do, something horrible comes out of it. I am angry because I cant cry. Not one little stupid tear. I am angry because I am awkward both socially and physically. I am angry because this feels stupid. But it does not stop me from being angry. I am angry because my father is an idiot and my brother a selfish twat. I am angry because I shut myself up half the time so no one ever come close to me and then I force myself to be close and open and it does not work and it all goes wrong. I am angry because I do not know how to work at my marriage. I thought I knew but marriage just like a baby does not come with an instruction manual. I am angry because I can't have a baby and just because I don't want one now it does not mean I am not human. I am angry because life is unfair. I am angry, angry, angry. I am so angry I want to scream, I can't. I am always this well behaved idiot who until pushed right into the corner won't do anything and I am angry about that too. I am angry that I can not stay in the same job for more than a year. I am angry because I am never happy and I always want more. I am angry because I am not making an effort. I am angry because I can't cry. I am angry because I always have to buy cheap rubbish even though I want quality. Quality anything. I am angry because I can no longer walk in high heels. I am also angry because I look stupid in high heels. I am angry because I don't know me half the time. I am angry because I say I am a writer but I do not write. I am angry because nothing ever works out the way I want it to work out. I am angry because my life is a chaos and I am not helping. I am angry because I don't know. I am angry because I want to say so much but chose to say nothing at all. I am angry because tomorrow I will act as usual building up my anger again. I am angry because I have no mother to love. I am angry that my mother never said she loved me. I am angry and I am hurting and the pain is so raw. I am angry because I always chose the best apple from the bowl. I am angry because I can't help it. I am angry because I have no one to go to for advice. I am angry because I need to be and it seems no matter how many times I write I am angry it does not make me feel better. I am not a positive person. I am angry about that too. I am angry because I am typical miserable Eastern European the only difference is I PRETEND to be all happy and nice when I am not. I smile when I am crying inside. I am angry about that. About all of it. I am angry because I was born in the wrong country. I am angry because I speak with a funny accent. I am angry because I feel hungry. I am angry because I ache. I am angry because I need to be even though I still feel like I can't justify it. Enough. Bugger this.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:37:00 +0000

"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps."

- David Lloyd George

hypocrisy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:56:00 +0000

there is nothing in this world that i hate more than hypocrisy. under all circumstances i try not to be a hypocrite because once one starts being one, they can't stop.
now i am the living being that hates being pushed to be strong, but i know i can be, when and only when i really have to. i wish i was this fragile creature that would be treated like a really rare sensitive flower but instead i am treated like a sturdy shed (maybe because i resemble it more?).
i just want not to be hypocrite and want the right things. not to be silly but not be a smart aarse either. not to be weak but not to be quite that strong (unless i really really have to) i just want to be femminine. but liike real feminine not pretend girlie rubbish that i can't pull off anyway. oh i feel so lost.
i know who i am but i don't know how to be me without becoming a hypocrite.

Very appropriate

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:39:00 +0000

My Stupid Mouth Lyrics
Artist(Band):John Mayer

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find what soon

We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now... Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me

oh i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...

wreckage

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:34:00 +0000

it seems the higher the standards for one's person the graver the disappointments. i can not come up with a solution. lower the standards or try to fix something that is about to fall apart?
bugger

the guilt appeal

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:57:00 +0000

Because of the way I was brought up it is very easy to make me feel guilty. What is worse is that once someone achieved that they (whoever they may be) can manipulate me into doing things I do not want to do, but will do because I want to avoid the feeling of guilt under any circumstances. I suppose this is one of the reasons I am so put of Catholicism as I feel guilty enough without religion telling me to feel so all the time.

However, I am not stupid, and when such things start happening I do see it and I do something about it so that I do not end up being abused. It is very difficult to stand up against such manipulation as I mentioned before I was brought up to be so.

I do not know why I am writing this at the moment, maybe because somebody is appealing to my guilt syndrome as I write, but just moaning about it won't change it. Unfortunately I still have to go over the enormous barrier of feeling guilty and only then I can fight it back, stand up for myself, and show that I am worth a little bit more respect.

Time to see and work things through

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:38:00 +0000

At the moment the job I do is really rubbish, but the pay, considering that these are really hard times is good. Obviously I have not settled for this for the rest of my life. This is why I have plans for more education to set me up for the future. This is not about wanting more, this is about knowing I can and will do better. I have made the bones for a book that I have to build the flesh for. I will do that with great pleasure once circumstances allow me. I am finding more and more time to writ regularly and I know that over time I will learn to work continuously.

Now I am focusing on one thing, paying off my debts, but once that is done I can dedicate time to myself and my wok. I know sooner or later I will manage to kick off my career here in the UK but until then I still have to survive.

I think we all get to do things we don't necessarily enjoy in our life, but we get through them, and move on.

Disposable love

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:39:00 +0000

Almost all the people I know are single. Now please do not take this wrong I am not criticising anyone here, I am not one of those married women.
Anyway I have been pondering on this subject for quite some time. You see I was one of those girls who did not want to get married. I was so convinced that the whole menkind are just out there to break your heart that I was quite happy to commit to live out my days alone. However, as we all know, this is not what happened. In fact the first amazing, lovely, witty, loveable, romantic guy that came along was booked up for the rest of my life. I get comments like: you should have waited maybe something better would have come along; quite often. Now this is where the flaw of the great modern society lies (at least in my mind).
We are at all times expecting something better to come along, the same way as we wait for that newest iPhone, or Blackberry, we do with people.
I had a friend, who has been driving me mental for years now about how much she wants to get married, call me in the middle of the night almost in tears because this guy she has been seeing wants to marry her! I was like: hm, isn't that what you want? The answer was yes it is what she wants but not so quick, next thing I know she is moaning that the new guy she is seeing doesn't want to commit yet, he wants to wait and see. So the point is, she was hoping for something better and moved on to a newer model and ended up as unhappy.
The fact is, at least so it seems, we think everything is disposable. Boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, pets, dinners, shoes, cars - you name it, it is there. We have become so much throw away society that we are willing to throw away love, just to try to find something better. Now, I bet my right arm, that most people reading this think - this is absolutely disgusting! and - it can not be so! But it is. When was the last time you dumped someone because you hoped, or believed, or expected something better to come along? When was the last time you really worked at a relationship. We always expect somebody to adapt to our life and our expectations, but what about them? What about their life, their expectations, their dreams and their wants? Do they not count?
In the olden days when people lived in much smaller towns and villages, most of the time marriages and friendships lasted longer; in fact a life time. I do not think it was all due to the fact the people were more religious, but more to the fact that you could not get away. Everyone knew everything, so you had to work at it. One had to make sure they did not screw relationships up because once that was done the way back was either blocked or very rocky and getting away most of the time was not an option. People worked at relationships at all levels and it seemed to have worked, so think about what is happening now, does it not seem that we have become really lazy and we just can't be bothered to work at it anymore? More than ever we really seem to live in the age of disposable love. Do we want our hearts to become disposable too? Because they probably already are. How are we supposed to know that the last person who skipped over us did not do so because they expected something better to come along?

Monday - quote day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:13:00 +0000

We are odd compounds full of explosive material to which circumstances may at any time apply a spark, with results undreamed of even by those who thought they knew us best.

- Joseph Farrell, "Lectures of a Certain Professor"

Sunday flowers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

I absolutely love carnations. Especially the white ones. You can almost always find them in the shop regardless of the season of the year. Also they always stand up well in the vase and can pull off the hectic look. As a child I used to describe carnations (as I would never remember their name) by saying that it is the one that petals look like pencil shavings after sharpening!

*Original photo stolen from here.

Wanting more

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:27:00 +0000

I travel quite a lot these days and I watch people, observe the world, I realise I want more than I have and I seem to be eternally unhappy. As soon as I get what I desired it is not enough and I want more, and wants I get that more, guess what? I want even more.
At the moment I am trying to teach myself to be happy with what I have. It is crucial that in this world filled with consumerist propaganda, we - the citizens of the world, should learn to appreciate what we have rather than constantly focus on what we want.
Of course, generally wanting more is a good thing, that pushes us forward. After all had Marie Curie given up after getting her degree in chemistry because it was enough, she would have never ended up being the first woman to receive the Nobel Prize. So yes we should want more, but I think we need to focus our want more on the non-material things, like self improvement, education, spiritual development, health, happiness, family balance, even work and the list could go on and on. Whereas if we are constantly focusing on the fact that we want that latest phone or the newest computer we are never going to be happy with the new object we got two weeks ago, because there is always going to be something newer and better. We should and need to want more of those things that can not be bought, as often in life they end up being of far greater value than anything that can be purchased.

Getting organised

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:58:00 +0000

At the moment I am doing an online course with email college about becoming organised. I have already completed a few courses with them and am very happy so I will continue. Anyway, making lists was never my forte but I am trying. This is the list of things I want to do before I am 30:

1. Pay all debts (I have almost £3 000 worth of debts - oh dear)
2. Lose 15 kilos (this is not sincere)
3. Improve my German
4. Live in Cambridgeshire
5. Grow my own vegetables
6. Grow my own herbs
7. Earn £2 000 a month
8. Get a Level 3 Diploma in Teaching Business English
9. Get masters in English language and literature
10. Have £ 5 000 of savings (could be in any shape even gold would be fine :))
11. Own a decent car (preferably a hybrid that is no more than 3 years old, the newer the better, however the vehicle must be purchased with no loans or debts)
12. Write a book (that means learning to deal with my fear of screwing up)
13. Get published in an English newspaper
14. Get into the Ecologist
15. Read 100 books in a year (so far this one seems the easiest to do)
16. Improve my Russian
17. Learn Italian
18. Improve my Spanish
19. Find my very own writing spot (this could be anywhere, and I know this is very obscure, but it is my list and I do what I want)
20. Learn to sew with a sewing machine (so I can supply myself with plenty of 50s dresses and skirts)
21. Knit a blanket
22. Knit scarves, hats and jumpers for people as X-mas presents (I love knitting but I have no tools or time, which is a lie, I have the time, but no willpower to do it)
23. Have my own library (this one is obscure it does not mean a million books a suitcase full of amazing literary masterpieces would be enough)
24. Convert my wardrobe into three/four colour wardrobe (so I never have a problem of coordinating things again!)
25. Learn to live as clutter free as humanly possible.

I do not think this is unrealistic as I am only 24 so I still have a bit of time. While I am at this I would like to appeal to anybody who may be living in the UK and have books in German, Spanish or Russian lying around. If so maybe you would like to swap or just donate it as long as I cover the postage? Please get in touch!

Monday - quote day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 10:28:00 +0000

"We are all cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."

- Ray Bradbury

Sunday flowers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 17:43:00 +0000

Pretty in pink. Can a girl ever have enough of pink?

It is a pity I do not have a camera of my own, still a friend of mine, has kind of promised an iPhone so that may not be a problem soon!

Flowers were found here.

Girlie things

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:16:00 +0000

I was not wearing a skirt when I left the house this morning, but I was wearing my last drops of Chanel no 5 reserves. I wanted to feel like a girl and I did get to do girlie things for a change. The last few months have been very hectic, I had no or very little time for myself, it has been all about work and my family. I tried to forget myself and bury myself in work. Today, after being encouraged by my husband I did go to hairdressers, had my hair cut and coloured, and enjoyed every moment of it. Then if that was not enough I went to shops and did a little bit of shopping just for myself. I do deserve it I know, but every time I do treat myself for something I feel guilty. Maybe it is the way I was brought up or just the way I am - it is not discussion about nature over nurture, I just want to learn to do more girlie things. I am never going to be the super girlie girl but I do like having my hair cut, trying on a new pair of shoes or a dress. After all, underneath that rough surface there is a girl.
I do deserve it, I just have to keep reminding myself...

dignity

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:34:00 +0000

i often wonder how is one supposed to stick to their dignity when they feel that they do an undignified job?
i think one just has to grit their teeth and pull through, hope for the best, at least to come out the same as they started.

i would love to be able to have time just to write and do nothing else. no juggling of things. no holding on to my dignity with the tips of my fingers.

i want a new life. can i start from scratch?

balance of goodness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:10:00 +0000

Is ignorance a sin? Or is being a narrow minded person a crime?
Bot statements could be answered yes and no, in a way both of them are right and wrong, if people sometimes did not prefer not to know than do something, there would be no child labour in the 21 century, if people opened up their mind there would be no racism. Yet, if everybody was aware of everything and making sure everyone else is aware of it, it would become annoying as well as if everybody opened up their mind and became all so understanding and accepting we could end up living in this perfectly harmonious friendly environment that we would never have the right to be angry and i think all that withheld anger would at some point explode, quite dangerously.
There is no black or white, there is no good or bad, there is no right or wrong, there is only this great big territory of grey that has both good and bad mixed in with some what is right for you in it. I can't understand but it seems to be that way, sometimes we have to do what seems to be right for us even though it is relative. But then everything is relative.
I wonder no accepting other people's opinion falls into which category? Oh no there are no categories!