Arrange

holy crap batman, penguin's here

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:22:00 +0000

This morning I stumbled upon the newly U.S.-released clothbound Penguin classics collection. When their creation was originally announced all over the internet last year I thought my wallet was safe from their fury of taste and class since they weren't being sold here. And seriously, shipping books overseas is just silly spending.

It's like ordering eggs and bacon at a restaurant... I know EXACTLY how to cook farm animals in a pan so I don't need Hairnet 'n Beergut to do it for me.

Anyway, if you want to buy them, I suggest Amazon, because you might be tempted by Anthropologie's Classy Vintage Taste by Association feeling, but for $7 less you'd like them shipped straight to your door thankyouverymuch.

P.S. Someone decided the designer, Coralie Bickford-Smith was the person to turn to for clothbound modern-vintage mashup design, so she's also done a number of other book series. This is The Arabian Nights set.

I SEE: vector shadows on type

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:24:00 +0000

Wedding Invites by Katie Kirk (via Paper Crave)

Perhaps an effort towards clean and controlled design, these vector drop shadows, specifically on type, are taking over where gradients (ptooey!) have left off in recent years.

Hoboken Pie identity by Decoder Ring Design Concern (via designworklife)

I think they have been primarily found on beer and spirits labels in the past. Actually, anything that gets a gold foil treatment and a ribbon banner has been fair game. But now the effect is being paired up with basic, capital letters and bridging a gap from retro to modern.

Coaster by Mikey Burton (via yay!everyday)

For more examples check out my flickr or, for a total overload, check out Jessica Hische. She uses this design technique like her life depended on it. An amazing typographer and all, but she clearly has her go-to methods ifyouknowwhati'msayin'*.

*what I'm sayin' is that I'm totally jealous and her talent makes me want to
punish myself for not being born her creepy clone with comparable skills.

OMG I NEED THAT: Rock Revolution

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:14:00 +0000

Knitting cozies for food is for namby pambys, but hoarding rocks and naming them is for the big time. Furthermore, Pebble Pet accessories are so hard core they blow my mind.

Does Junior want to get involved in the Rock Revolution? Of course he does, the little attention whore. This next book taps into the little guy's imagination with wily-named projects that should embarrass you to say out loud. The tomfoolery on the horizon is palpable, and the possibilities are limited to 10!

Please be advised that painted rocks are neither loving or edible. If heart or teeth should become broken, in part or in whole, due to the impossibly stupid use of these products, please send all comments and complaints to human resources and then allow 6-8 weeks for a response as you are ridiculous and tacky.
High-Definition paint not included.

It'll look like you ACTUALLY painted something!

All images are from the Fall 2009 North Light Shop catalog.

laura at work.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:28:00 +0000

When I'm not online, I can be seen posing with condiments.

no, seriously. let's talk about this.

I made zee pillohs!

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:29:00 +0000

Fabric is from Anna Maria Horner's collection called Drawing Room

Finally used the fabric I purchased a long ass time ago to make these for the living room. Plus I learned how to sew a zipper.

By learn, I mean took 15 minutes to figure out what a 'zipper foot' was and another 40 to flip the pillow shell back and forth with the zipper pinned in different places to figure out what will/won't show when it's finished.

Even if it's a soup can covered in construction paper, making something for my damn self makes me the happiest little laura in the world. I could almost be nice to someone.

all grown up

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:19:00 +0000

My living room is at least. not making any claims for myself.

Before I knew the power of white: The yellow made everything gross and we took advantage of the shelving like it was the drunk girl at the party. Also, it was christmas...or no more than a few months after christmas. shut up.

After: Roommate painted walls & fireplace (which was gross off-white, now brilliant white), IKEA sofa slip covered, her uncle also made that wonderful & simple coffee table, a couple of my projects and BAM, we pass for respectable members of society. Take THAT college!

OMG I NEED THAT (8)

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 17:42:00 +0000

Once again, SkyMall summer 2009 edition. The publication for winners.

OMG EXTREME CLOSE UP

The new slim Casio design is perfect for any décor! Especially if you live in a corporate waiting room! Be the talk of the town and the center of the love triangle between a girl and her cougar mom.

Do be advised though that you should never hit on your girl’s college roommate while playing. She appears to be cross-eyed. And really, if nothing else, her forearm is awfully disproportionate. Poor girl. Actually, maybe you should hit on her. You know, boost her self esteem a little? I bet she could use a little 'hey i like your...teeth'. yeah, that would be nice.

Anyway, white chicks love plastic keyboards!
OMG buy this!

OMG I NEED THAT: for my garden

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:42:00 +0000

Thank you Summer 2009 issue of SkyMall

Unlike his fearsome brethren around the world, this garden variety yeti is sure to win you over with his grumpy man-face and huge pecs! Don't worry, his bark is a lot bigger than his bite for sure. Mostly because he's made of resin and can't open his mouth.

Excuse me, designer resin. The kind tim gunn would use for the 18 naked nymph statues of himself.

Anyway, with the rash* of brides-to-be around the office these days, you should stock up for that quirky off-the-registry gift the ladies will surely appreciate from 'that guy' at work! And if it gets you off the meeting invite for the next (surprise!) in-office bridal shower, well then, it's done its job already.

*rashes are generally considered embarrassing and an illness. You make of that what you will.

I'll take 'Circular Logic' for $800.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:48:00 +0000

Everybody, this is my brother. I've stolen this picture from his facebook so I don't know who that chick is, but what is he going to do about it anyway? Really, he should be glad I didn't use any of these photos as his introduction.

I mean, dude, you cuddle a lot with your friends. just sayin'.

Anyway, he recently he informed me that guys always prefer a woman with long hair and that no guy likes the look of skinny jeans on anyone.

Let those uncompromising statements wash over you as they did me.

Though I think he was oddly trying to help my love life, apparently it's easy for him to believe everyone feels the same way he does about otherwise completely subjective preferences. And you can only imagine the dialogue when heavier subjects are waved in front of that narrow line of sight. His assertions have just always seemed so unfounded to me. So intolerant. Needless to say, he's hardly ever agreed with my music, style or politics.

But really, am I any less sanctimonious when I assume everyone agrees over-greased hair is disgusting? That a sense of humor is obviously more important than having money? Cotton superior to lycra?

Those assessments are so natural to me that I just assume people 'get' why they are preferable. If they disagree they just have it wrong somehow...right? They must have faulty logic, be confused or just plain stupid.

But do you see how that just puts me right in line with my brother's resolute habits?

I mean, shit.

sorry to pop in, but the city is a no-fly zone.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:23:00 +0000

As svelte little fighter planes practice zooming around downtown Chicago today, preparing for the air & water show, my roommate had her own surprise aeronautical guest in the suburb where she works.

These emails tell the chilling tale of her suburban encounter:

Renee: look at this amazing video i just captured. sorry it's shaky, but all ufo video sightings are shaky. and it zipped away pretty fast at the end so i couldn't follow it.
Sent from my BatPhone

Me: Oh my god, did you really just film that with your iphone? EARN YOUR SALARY!

Renee: ummm, my job title is web and graphics designer. that ufo is a graphic and i used the web to send it to you. you're welcome.
also what are you talking about! I didn't make anything!! THIS IS A LEGIT UFO SIGHTING

Me: Oh I remember that guy from the bar! He wouldn’t stop talking to you. I told you not to give him your business card!
laura swiatkowski | crap collage producer | MadSkillz Inc.
chicago il 60654 | p: 867-5309

They found it was just challenging.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:31:00 +0000

There is not much to explain about my recent breakup. Nothing was broken, stolen or regrettably said. I don't need to lose my shit because we're not right for each other. That instantly becomes a personal matter; not one I can blame on him. Though it would be nice if I could: why don't you live exactly like I've decided you should?!

Anyway, the most newsworthy bit is that I'm single, officially, for the first time in 7 years and it throws me for a huge loop. But before my gut starts again with inexplicable alarm, I'd like to offer a nerdy send off. You boys each gave me years of your life and now I give you this venn diagram.

A succinct abstraction of each member
of the monogamous-laura dynasty
and their collective demise.

I know. It's like the jip tradeoff of the century. Also, calling myself monogamous is a stretch. But this is neither the time or the place.

typography, apothecary style

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:39:00 +0000

Poster lettering for the Toronto Zoo by Ian Brignell (this guy is brilliant with vintage style lettering)

The vintage, apothecary-styled aesthetic is moving out of mum and dad's house and getting a place of its own!

1. Albert Menes Sardines via Graphic-Exchange 2. Student work by Jenny Kim via theDieline 3. Drum beer by Public Creative via theDieline 4. Wedding Invite by Hammerpress 5. Brown Cow Pantry logo by Yael Miller via share some candy 6. Daniel Palevin design (i forgot where this came from)

Well, perhaps it's only moving down the street: this new trend isn't often found too far from the categories it's lived in all these years, but it is branching out, and it's gorgeous afterall, so shut up. Anywho, I'm guessing this little design treatment seems to have the biggest space to stretch its wings in the land of eco-chic:

This classy style suggests the product has been crafted, rather than generated; its source is authentically noble. By simplifying a bit and brightening the color schemes, modernity can easily be found through the old filters. Now, I don't think it possesses an eco-friendly look inherantly, but it's certainly an alternative to consider before you design another green and tan logo or add a f*ckin abstract leaf.

Cruet & Whisk logo, designed by Allison Newhouse for Duffy & Partners

oh, and your plaid shirt doesn't match your camo pants.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 23:45:00 +0000

A man stopped me on the street this evening while I walked from the train.
Nay, he followed me a bit and repeated three times, incrementally louder with each go, "hey excuse me!" until I stopped and popped out a headphone.

"hey, so I saw you going down the street just now and I just had to say hi"

"hi.....thanks for not 'just having' to rape me"

*smirk* (wait, were you actually considering it just now?) "what's your name?"

"laur-"
"you live around here?" (cut me off to inquire about my residence: red flag #2)

"-ra.." *pause* Not really, just visiting a friend" (shit, now i have to circumnavigate my block)

"I just really wanted to ask if I could take you to a movie or dinner or something someday"

"oh..no, sorry, I have a boyfriend *flashed my ipod* (am I dating technology now?) so that wouldn't go over very well"

"can we be friends...or something?"

"what? no. ...'something' isn't even a thing to ask a stranger." *skeeved face*

"aw really? cause I mean-"
"yes really. I'm walking away now"

perhaps i ended it without much finesse, but really? What part of stranger danger don't you understand when you approach a woman alone on the street? So let me now add an amendment to my Constitution for Attractive Men: they must have a sense of when ground is being gained and when it is rapidly receding.

Any other amendments from you all? Keep 'em coming because me and camo pants are here to learn.

must love...

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 04:07:00 +0000

I'll skip the obvious.
I'll even assume you understand the small degree to which I write this tongue in cheek.

But there are definitely some things in men that make me happy to see. We've all got things on our list that are never fulfilled but come in handy for girl's night or weak fantasies 'as seen on TV'. They don't make or break, you know that, but if we're honest; they get us going and we don't know why. So enough disclaimer*, this is my useless wish list:

1. must drink as i do. maybe even smoke once in a while. If we must cut back, let's do it together and pretend we're bonding.

2. i'm a sucker any day of the week for moppy curls, sideburns too. Seth rogen a la freaks and geeks was my forlorn little poster boy for years. Then he got fat.

3. under no circumstances must you show alarm by what i say or do. This is, of course, the most demanding request, but it is beyond legendary when a man can absorb my eccentricities and then reflect them back to me thoughtfully or with utility.

4. a rockabilly look helps... a lot. If we break it down to the essential parts, we're looking for a white t-shirt, cuffed, dark wash jeans and tattoos.

5. the skills with the cooking. I won't let you pay for my meals, and i'm a cheap Pole, so I rarely see the inside of a shallow dish with artfully squirted sauce on the side. But if you cook up a dish that makes me feel fancy, my insides are doing more than just growling from hunger.

6. muscular thighs. They're delicious.

7. do us all a favor and be driven by something. Every woman looks for passion like men look for breasts. If you're going to be too busy for me, it's still a turn on if the energy is spent on something bigger and better for yourself.

*all requests subject to change. seth rogen could always lose the weight again.

Charlotte Read: from the Land of Talent & Unicorns

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:08:00 +0000

She must be from such a place afterall, no?

I do hate her just a little bit for softening my black, black heart with all her pretty colors though. Or no, wait, no that might just be jealousy.

yup, jealousy.

All of this work is her own, from her simple, yet impressive portfolio site.

WANT: asymmetry

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 19:52:00 +0000

I have an affinity for asymmetrical items. Aren't they effortlessly intriguing?

1. Normandy Clutch by Urban Heirlooms 2. Queen Street Jersey Dress by Carol Hannah
3. Leather Cuff by Holly Hawk 4. Three Leafs Necklace by Gosia

I also use an asymmetrical decision making process for daily life.
Coincidence? I think not.

wait, it's the 8th now?

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:41:00 +0000

sunny side up + hummus, tomato, & basil

The velocity of this 4th of July weekend was pretty high. And it did come in bursts like solid punches to the face. And I climbed a lot of stairs.

But mostly I cooked, ate and drank, ate and drank.

I want next year to be the exact same. You?

Not pictured: Apple cinnamon scones & the nachos for which the chili was intended. Both my camera...and myself...were 'dead' by the time I put together the nachos at the party. sorry mom.

so you just listen to it over and over or what?

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:35:00 +0000

My weekend has a theme song and I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE PREPARED FOR THE VELOCITY OF THIS SHIT.
don't let the hand script fool you.

eco-eatin'

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:28:00 +0000

You want a tip to save money on food? sure. we all do. awesome.
Go to your farmer's market and buy 3 zucchinis.
Make zucchini bread*.
Eat zucchini bread for many meals.

It apparently pairs with honey, beer, and vanilla ceylon well.
These are lies, but what do I know? I'm running on one food source here.

*I didn't take any of Heidi 's lovely additions to heart, but I did add chili powder. Don't do that. It was wrong. I also added cardamon and that was good.

belated, but necessary.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:10:00 +0000

Hey selfish dude from this winter, can’t you see there are people uncomfortably standing on the train because your tattered bag of animal heads and used condoms needs its own chair?

What? ...Oh, sorry. At first I didn't see the sign designating a separate seat for your unwieldy self-absorption.

In that case, DIE.

love,
laura

Threats work.

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:26:00 +0000

Even though my roommate and I are renters, we put on airs like we're fancy pants adults with a design plan for our place. For the most part, this has worked out and most projects were completed within the first 6-8 months. She painted. I hung things. It went smoothly like a greased pig in a small hallway.

Plans were made during that time period to decorate the mantelpiece. I was going to make these box/plant things and it was going to be fine. But now it's been over a year, and threats of her leaving have overtaken the gentle reminders for me to get started on my project.

SO I DID IT, OKAY?

The run-through is easy. I bought two planters in generic 'rustic' coloring from Home Depot ($35/ea) and painted them bright friggen white to match the fireplace.

Got some flower arrangement foam from Joann's ($10), hot glued that to the inside of the boxes, and then stuck a bunch of dry and fake plant bits in them from Home Goods ($25*) .

ta da.

p.s. that's no fire. that's a photo of fire, printed and cut out, and it was the best idea I've ever had.

*I don't remember at all how much that plant stuff cost. Totally made up.

gifting the food of the fancy

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:06:00 +0000

Single Malt Scotch Bars by BonBonBar in Los Angeles, CA

It might just be me, but I think fancy-type food products make acceptable gifts.

If you go to a party and the person in question didn't birth you then I think craft beer, weird flavored truffles, fancy tea blends and imported oils all make for down and dirty offerings to secure another six month's good relations. Food gifts aren't entirely 'thoughtful' but they do hover just above the 'itunes gift card' chasm of bad ideas.

Hazelnut Graham Crackers from Potter's Crackers in Madison, WI

Living in the city, I feel pressured to go beyond the 'around-the-world' aisle at Jewel and seek out boutique vegan shops, mom & pop bakeries and the like. Specialty places have all the cute, all the packaging and the character people are shelling their money out for. But I don't have a car, and I'd rather have all that specialness shipped straight to my desk.

Enter Foodzie. An online marketplace for "small passionate food producers and growers".

It's like Etsy for food and it's delicious.

Chai Spiced Blonde Blondie from Sugardaddy's Sumptuous Sweeties in Leweis Center, OH

simon schubert challenges your self worth

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 11 May 2009 22:39:00 +0000

This man folds paper like it's his bitch.

He also has a lot of no-face creepy sculptures that are worth checking out on his website too. Any horror filmmaker would be in heaven I think.

You sly dog, you even folded mirror reflections...what a talented eye, sir.

(all images via Schubert's site.)

bday break from Cheri

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:08:00 +0000

Doubt anyone cares about the amazing things I did for birthday this weekend, or the awesome gifts I received and you didn't. The important part is that Cheri didn't ruin it. What I would like to share with you today, though, is a diagram of the cookie cake Will made for me.

Diagrams teach you things. My mistakes and photoshop skills are for your own good.

Cheri the Horrible, part 1

swatabug@hotmail.com (laura marie) — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:26:00 +0000

Crazy lady downstairs neighbor is back and she's crazier than ever. This time she's got a new weapon: verbal assault!

She's still evicted (and illegally present at the apartment). But after a lifetime of leaching off others, what's one more illegal night rent-free amongst your pack rat belongings?

At 7 a.m. she's knocking at the apartment door calling out Renee's name. At 7:15 Renee is calling 911 to report crazy lady trespassing.

At 8:45 a.m. I open the door to leave my apartment. There is a thank you card from CL to Renee telling her how wonderful she's been and don't ever change and I tried to kill myself and then the hospital tried to finish me off...

Tender thoughts from her heart to yours.

I then start walking down the stairs and I hear her door open. When I get to her platform, she's peeping out at me. She starts to close the door and then swings it open dramatically. I continue walking slowly down the stairs.

CL: "I just want to say, I think you are a huge bitch."
Me: *blank stare*
CL: "You've been nothing but awful to me. You're just such a bitch and I think you should know that"
Me: "it's illegal for you to be here, so I think maybe you're the bitch"

As soon as I walk out the door I call 911 to say that 2 hours after Renee called, CL is still in the building and now she has verbally harassed me from her illegal hidey hole. Look alive coppers, let's go!

The conversation with the charming 911 dispatcher* lasted the two blocks to my bus stop. Once there, I fiddled with my phone pondering how odd it looked to see 'Emergency' in my outgoing calls list. Then I looked up, right into CL's cracked-out little beady eyes.

CL: "Seriously, I wish you the worst for the rest of your life"
Me: *exasperated* "What the hell have a I done to you??"
CL: "You're so mean you're not even a human being. That's what you've done to me."
Me: "What the....WHAT? I've never done anything to you, said anything to you..."
CL: *sarcastically* "Well then I must just be crazy, huh?"
Me: "MAYBE!"

She turns and walks down the street mumbling some expletives and waving in my general direction. I'm left shaking with anger and the two other people at the bus stop are really glad they don't live in my building.

END SCENE.

*who asked me 'what cullah is she? black, white, or yelluh?' I don't know who defines people as 'yellow' anymore, but I bet she got C's in school and her mother blamed it on the government.