Arse About Fez

My name is Death...

2011-10-10T21:02:00.002+03:00

Yes, it's that time of year again. I've got man-flu. And, as any woman will know, man-flu can seem to be almost life-threatening. When I was a child, my mother gave me a little bell that I would ring any time I needed something. She knew the power of man-flu. One thing that always trips me up linguistically is that, in the Turkish language, you don't 'have' an illness, you 'become' one. So,

Rich man, Poor man, Beggar man, Rapist

2011-09-30T13:26:00.000+03:00

I've just eaten 27 olives. I remember my auntie's rhyme of 'tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor' but it only goes up to 8. So I've come up with my own Turkish version: Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich man Poor man Beggar man Thief Shoe shiner Taxi driver Mussel seller Fez maker Raki drinker Tea bringer Ageing singer Cop Nut adjuster Goods duster Simit baker Watch maker Breast enlarger

Only in Turkey...

2011-09-27T01:40:00.000+03:00

Can you find Tesco Value Doner meat.

Revenge of the Fez

2011-09-09T12:21:00.000+03:00

On this day, 89 years ago, a surging Turkish army and mobs of Turkish citizens drove out the occupying Greek nation from Izmir. "The day we taught the Greeks to swim" I've heard uttered jokingly, referring to the way they were, allegedly, pushed into the gloomy waters of Izmir Bay. Reports say that during the initial invasion by the Greek military, "the [Turkish locals] are forced to tear the

The Easiest Way to Stop Smoking

2011-06-23T16:26:00.001+03:00

Though this post may appear a little off topic, it is loosely related to living in Turkey and absolutely related to my life here ...or anywhere. It started about a month ago with a regular cough and cold. Something that I've become accustomed too since choosing a career as a school teacher. The cold came and went but I was left with a hacking cough that refused to budge. I decided, eventually,

Putting the 'Man' in 'Manisa'

2011-04-28T14:11:00.013+03:00

At the end of March, a small city on the outskirts of Izmir hosts a rather unusual festival. Welcome to Manisa, known for mental hospitals and, possibly related, the craziest drivers in the Aegean region.The festival is a week-long celebration with appearances by minor celebrities and politicians. But the city is really celebrating another local claim to fame...On the last day of the festival at

Not going postal

2011-03-29T10:03:00.005+03:00

I've never seen a postbox in Turkey. If you ever want to send a letter (which, in Turkey, is as good a communication tool as a Town Crier with Laryngitis), you should head down to your local post office and try to decipher which queue you ought to be standing in. Speaking of which, this seems to be one of the only places Turks form an orderly queue. I once saw two tourists jump a queue in a

Hold the front page!

2011-03-21T12:21:00.004+02:00

I would have liked to have posted this on the day of publication so you could have had a chance to go and buy the paper, but I got interviewed for the Hurriyet Daily News (previously the Turkish Daily News).The fabulous Jane Akatay, wrote a super article on blogging in South West Turkey and I, along with Jack from Perking The Pansies, Karen from Being Koy, Julia and Barry from Turkey's For Life

We'll be right back... I hope.

2011-03-21T09:23:00.006+02:00

You may have noticed a brief interlude in my posts... OK, you might not have; I'm not exactly the most prolific blogger. However, the most recent excuse is that Blogger.com has been banned in Turkey for the past month.The official reason is due to a Turkish Digital TV provider claiming that some bloggers are streaming live football via their blogs. Despite being impossible, this motive also seems

Things I'd never done before moving to Turkey #6

2011-02-18T14:51:00.003+02:00

Go for a shave and accidentally become a Muslim.I was at the barber the other day. As always, the conversation of religion came up which, in term, leads to discussion of the health benefits of circumcision.During the rather heated debate (well, monologue really. I never get into a debate about religion with a Turk... especially one who's holding a razor to my neck), the barber asked me to try and

Ruin Nation

2011-02-17T14:44:00.002+02:00

Turks have a strange habit of giving away the endings to movies they've seen to those who don't know. This also applies to Soap Operas (that are huge in Turkey).What is particularly interesting is that people actually seem to want to know the answers to the mysteries. Whereas in England, you might get a punch in the chops for giving away the plot twist, in Turkey, it seems to be part of the whole

Fezaurus #10

2011-01-08T14:07:00.000+02:00

Eceli gelen köpek cami duvarına işermiş - The dying dog pisses on the wall of the mosque.This takes me back to my New Year's Eve. We went to a lovely little village near Çeşme called Alaçatı. Every year, the town puts on a street party to welcome in the new year. This was my first visit and I'll give it a miss next year. It was absolutely heaving.Unfortunately, in Turkey, when there's a

Turkish Sports - Football

2011-01-07T11:05:00.000+02:00

Globally massive of course, Football is probably the most popular sport in Turkey. They're not half bad at it either. Reaching the semi-finals of the 2008 UEFA Cup, Turkey treated us to some spectacularly nail-biting matches. But, for some reason, they've not qualified for the World Cup since 2002, when they kicked ass all the way to 3rd place.National football is really a three horse race.

Fezaurus #9

2011-01-06T11:00:00.001+02:00

Ben diyorum hadımım sen diyorsun çoluk çocuk nasıl - I tell you I'm a Eunuch, you ask me how the wife and kids are.A lovely little expression to use when asked a stupid question.Michael: I'm flat broke.Janet: Oh, sorry to hear that ...can you lend me a fiver?

Turkish Sports - Backgammon

2011-01-05T11:58:00.001+02:00

Known in Turkey as tavla, the rules of this board game are extremely simple yet take years to master. The aims are three-fold:Get your pieces round the board and 'home' before your opponent does.Moving a piece should be done with lightning speed and as loudly as possible ...and preferably while the other player is still finishing their move.The winner is the one who can most comprehensively

Fezaurus #8

2011-01-04T13:30:00.002+02:00

Ayranı yok içmeye, tahtırevanla gider sıçmaya - There's no yoghurt to drink but I'm carried to the shitter on a sedan chair.I guess the English would simply say "living beyond your means".

Turkish Sports - Camel Wrestling

2010-12-31T07:06:00.002+02:00

It's not what you think. Besides, I'm not sure a man would stand a chance against an angry camel. No, this is the winter pass-time of pitching two dromedaries against each other in a fight to the ...flee.It's not as bad as it sounds. Camels are fairly passive creatures. This isn't like cock or dog fighting. This is the blood sport equivalent of two kids shoving each other in the playground until

Songs About Turkey #5

2010-12-30T14:03:00.004+02:00

And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda - Eric BogleI first heard this performed by The Pogues at the end of another manic album. A spectacular song written by Eric Bogle. It tells the story of an Australian soldier being shipped off to Gallipoli. I wont go into the detail of the war; that deserves a much longer post. All I will say is that it's not something we learnt much about at school in the UK

Turkish Sports - Oil Wrestling

2010-12-29T08:27:00.003+02:00

Leather chaps with metal studding and muscular men dripping in oil and sweat ...it could only be one thing. Somewhere between Smackdown and a rub-down, we find the ancient sport of Turkish Oil Wrestling. Though, at first glance, it may appear akin to a street brawl in Soho, this challenging feat of endurance takes strength and stamina.Not being particularly au fait with the rules and regulations,

Arse About Fez gets a Christmas No.4!!!

2010-12-13T12:23:00.006+02:00

I love the Turkish Travel Blog. It's official. In fact, I thought I couldn't love it more. And then I see they've got me listed in their Top Ten Turkish Blogs list. So now my love is bordering on creepy.Thank you very much!

Songs About Turkey #4

2010-12-06T12:46:00.005+02:00

Telephone call from Istanbul - Tom WaitsMy all time favourite drunk crooner. Self-claimed to have a voice like "Ethel Merman and Louis Armstrong meeting in hell", this is a track from his 1987 album "Frank's Wild Years". I'm not really sure what it's about but I like it ...and it mentions Istanbul. Enjoy.

I'm still a child at heart...

2010-11-11T08:55:00.001+02:00

Oh I do amuse myself while the kids are listening to the story. This nugget of gold is from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

10th November 1938

2010-11-10T09:24:00.009+02:00

Today is an eerie day. Something happens every year on the 10th November at exactly 9:05am. Something that makes my skin tingle.At this time, on this date in 1938, Ataturk died in Dolmabahce Palace in Istanbul. In remembrance of this sad moment for the nation, Turkey stands still. And I mean, completely still.After a moment of silence, everything and anything that has a siren or a horn begins to

Songs About Turkey #3

2010-10-12T21:35:00.004+03:00

Turkish Song of the Damned - The PoguesFrom one of their greatest albums, this song has almost nothing to do with Turkey. Based heavily on Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner, the Turkish title was something of an accident. Apparently a Pogue heard someone talking about 'Turkish Song' of The Damned (though I've not been able to find any reference to The Damned having made any such track) and

Twit about Fez

2010-10-07T22:44:00.003+03:00

I'm trying my hand at Twitter these days (yes, I know I'm getting a trifle slow at adopting new technology in my old age).Come find me and read a minute by minute account of my daily life. It's the social media equivalent of watching paint dry.http://twitter.com/arseaboutfez