Art Kumbalek/Focktoberfest

Starbucks Focks With Free Enterprise

2007-11-09T10:48:00.000-08:00

So, I read in this week's Shepherd that Starfocks is focking with free enterprise AGAIN!

Seems that the suits out there in the town that stole Mike Holmgren decided to kick out the Shepherd Express from our hometown Milwaukee stores. Or, at least that's what Starfock's corporate raider brethren at the big newspaper in town want you to believe.

The JS's free weekly decided to cut a deal to eliminate the Shepherd from area Starfocks, but the problem is that somebody from Starfocks corporate office says it's up to the store manager at each store.

Here's the quote from this week's Shepherd Express:

“When the Shepherd contacted Starbucks, Kelly Mattran, Midwest regional manager for Starbucks Coffee Co., said:

“Based on limited space in our newspaper racks, Milwaukee-area Starbucks stores will continue to carry the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and MKE newspapers. Individual Starbucks stores will continue to have the option to carry Shepherd Express newspapers based on available space. The decision as to whether a particular Starbucks carries the Shepherd will be at the discretion of each individual store manager.”

The Shepherd Express has been an independent voice in Milwaukee for the past 25 years. You, our readers, are our only leverage when it comes to dealing with large corporations that do not always agree with our political viewpoint. The Journal Sentinel is able to pay distributors a few pennies more on the sale of each paper if they can squeeze out the competition.

So, if you enjoy reading the Shepherd Express weekly and picking it up when you buy your coffee, please let your local Starbucks store manager know. ”

Campaign video

2007-11-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

For all you fockers who missed the last stop on my Democracy Express Campaign For Any and Every Public Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Tour, here's a video of me as I speak to my future constituents, what a lovely bunch, ain'a?

I'll sign wherever you like

2007-11-02T20:03:00.001-07:00

IMG_0088
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Wow, the folks at the Trocadero really came out to wish me well as I hop back on the Democracy Train.

Auld Lang Stein

2007-11-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a blast I had at with all these campaign tours of mine! I suppose I'll be seeing you's next time around, ain'a? Just remember this in the meanwhile: VOTE ART KUMBALEK AND WIN A TEN-SPEED BIKE.

Final Campaign Tour Stop TONIGHT

2007-11-01T10:28:00.001-07:00

I got to tell you, as I conduct these campaign meet-and-greets from tavern to tavern, I'm constantly surprised if not dang near delighted by the amount of good will and support a candidate guy like me can generate just by offering ice-cold bottled Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery at $2 bucks a pop, not to mention the free focking T-shirts, campaign pins, and bumper stickers with a dollop of mine own oratory horse manure. So stop by -- (LAST CHANCE) -- tonight, All Saints' Day, at the Trocadero and win a ten-speed bike, I kid you not, 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

All Saints' Day

2007-10-31T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And just so you know in case you were wondering, the much ballyhooed juggernaut known as The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Campaign juggers on with one more officially sanctioned 2007 stop, this being over by the East Side's Trocadero, 7-9 p.m. All Saints' Day Nov. 1, you bet.

Hillary Schmillary

2007-10-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Did you see that Republican debate for the president the other night and all they could talk about was Hillary? I tell you's, if she gets elected I guess it'll be nice for me 'cause with Big Bill as her First-what-the-fock, I can use all the old Clinton jokes again and not have to think up anything new, ain'a?

Vote Art Kumbalek

2007-10-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

Lord willing, hope to see you at one of these Democracy Express events. And what I know is the last one's at this Trocadero joint over by the East Side/Downtown's Water Street. And after that, Vote Art Kumbalek and win a 10-speed bike, god bless America. I approve this message 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

What A Gas

2007-10-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you, that this experience has been dang-near like I croaked and got sent to heaven, I kid you not.

Beer Embrace

2007-10-25T10:26:00.001-07:00

Beer Embrace
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Here's me and Dawn enjoyin' the finer things.

Bumpkin Carving

2007-10-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

Lord willing, hope to see you at one of these Democracy Express events. And what I know is the last one's at this Trocadero joint over by the East Side/Downtown's Water Street, the day after Hallo-focking-ween.

Democracy Express 2008

2007-10-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And yeah you bet, the Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Campaign has been like one big picnic on the cakewalk, I kid you not. Cripes, how the heck can you top the weekly picture of you and me getting together at some preordained joint to quaff $2 bottles of usually ice-cold Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront and also otherwise hob-nob on the ways and means for me to save this country through your generous support? Hey, you tell me.

Foreign Policy

2007-10-23T08:49:00.001-07:00

The Kumbalek Fix: Shops, restaurants and focking condos. In Our Town where I come from, wherever we got some kind of problem this-or-that these days, we build shops, restaurants and condos over it and the problem seems to go away. So hey, how 'bout Darfur, Mexican border, Congo, Tora Bora, polar ice cap—Middle East? Erect a serviceable climate-controlled dome over Jerusalem and put in some nice shops, restaurants and condos. Mazel tov.

When I'm Elected

2007-10-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Need a prescription? Write it yourself and then tear it up 'cause you won't need it, no sir. We're going to have way-affordable over-the-counter drugs available 24/7 at every supermarket and 7-11 from coast to coast for whatever ails you. I especially insist on pills and capsulets to help the focksticks who can't keep their yaps shut during the motion picture at the movie theater as well as pills to prevent those knobs from waiting until every single focking item in their grocery cart crosses the scanner and be bagged by the plastic-paper consultant before they start fumbling for their checkbook and wad of coupons. And the pot what-they-call-the-marijuana? You bet. You'll find it in the seasoning section $9.95-an-ounce over by the baking accoutrements. Hey, it's green, and it comes from the earth just like your tomatoes, cauliflower and daffodils, so how can that be bad for you? You tell me.

Focktoberfest is a tax-deductible contribution

2007-10-19T09:45:00.001-07:00

Focktoberfest is a tax deductible contribution
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Yes, it's true. Buy Focktoberfest beer at Pistol Pete's in Brook-focking-field and you can deduct it as a campaign contribution.

Find Value at Art-Mart

2007-10-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

No matter what kind of bug-up-your-butt you got, be it local, state, asshole neighbor, nation-wide, wife/girlfriend, or world-wide, you just come to Art-Mart and I would sure-as-shootin' take care of it. With me in all the hallowed halls of offices, you would no longer have to dick around with the County Courthouse, City Hall, town-hall meeting, Madison, D.C., the Hague and who-knows-where. Fock no. Just come to me. Come to Art-Mart where you'll find value for all your political needs, I kid you not. All you got to do is get off your ass and vote.

One-Stop Shopping

2007-10-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

My dream is that when it comes to your political needs, I would be your one-stop shopping—call me the Art-Mart for the Great Unwashed Public. I could be your county sheriff, mayor, alderman, judge, senator, ambassador, coroner, crossing guard, president; and all under one hat. How convenient would that be for you's?

Taxes

2007-10-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

The Kumbalek Fix: No taxes no more, ever again, I promise. Hey, it's your goddamn dough not the government's, ain'a? Fock 'em. So in the future, when you got a problem with a street, go buy your own jackhammer and bucket of road tar so's you can fix it yourself smart-guy, 'cause after all it's your highway boule-focking-vard, not the government's, and don't you forget it.

an Excerpt From "The Kumbalek Diaries"

2007-10-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

"See?" the first bum says. "If you didn't crap your pants, what's that focking turd doing in your BVDs?" And the other bum says, "Fock if I know. It was there when I found 'em."

Read more at www.shepherd-express.com

Foamy Americans

2007-10-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as I make the speaking rounds during my Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office—Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am—Campaign, I've learned that the people are sick up to their focking eyeballs with all the knobshine bickering that goes on in our state legislatures, in our Congress and who-the-hell knows where else, I kid you not.

LL Cool A

2007-10-12T10:20:00.001-07:00

Click her to see more photos
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

The ladies love cool Art! Here I am over by the Six Degrees with some of the lovely ladies that came by to support the campaign.

Oh, and Fock LL Cool J -- the ladies love Art K.

Free Speech

2007-10-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

There's no free speech. Free speech costs dough and I don't have any. That's why all these rich-focks can run for government and it's like they get to speak through one of those fancy-schmancy speaker systems like they got in an arena. For the poor schmucks who can't pay for the free speech, it's like you may well as be talking with rotten teeth, bleeding gums, a draining boil on your tongue, and right before they hand you the microphone, somebody tapes your mouth shut and breaks your jaw with a focking baseball bat.

Campaign Tour lands on Water Street

2007-10-11T09:44:00.001-07:00

I'd like to thank the real-not-phony Americans who have taken the time out of their day to show up at my campaign stops and drink $2 bottles of Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery and celebrate my historic candidacy for multiple political offices. As I remember, last week was an encouraging evening down by The Nomad on Brady and this Thursday it's over to a new joint Downtown, Six Degrees, Water St. & Clybourn, 7 to 9 p.m. -And get this, next week the 18th it's out to Brook-focking-field at the Pistol Pete's for heaven's sake. What a guy won't do for a vote and a two-buck-a-beer Focktoberfest, I tell you.

The People Ask:

2007-10-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

How do you get two politicians to act bipartisan?
-You shoot one. Ba-ding!
What the fock.
And the people yearn to know:
What is the difference between a wealthy-ass candidate for public office
and a sack of manure?
-I figure it's got to be the sack, ain'a?

A Little Story

2007-10-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

So for years and years, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel descended from the skies and said to these impassive figures, "You've been such inspirational statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I will bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which you can do anything you please." And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other tentatively, but soon dashed for the bushes, and shortly was heard a good deal of giggling and laughter, not to mention the shaking of branches. A while later, the two statues emerged from the bushes sporting wide grins and covered with dirt and leaves. The angel winked at them and said, "Just so you know, you still have fifteen more minutes." And the female statue turned to the male and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."