I made some new friends at MMGN, here is how the first meeting went …

Kids today are growing up in a very different world than previous generations. They have greater access to knowledge and money, and technology has given them wide open access to basically the entire world. Today’s children often find themselves in situations and discussions that once upon a time were thought to be only for adults. Whether one agrees or disagrees with the fast-paced world kids are growing up in or not, it is undeniable that children must be confident in themselves to handle the various activities and interactions that occur in their modern lives. So how do you help your child be more confident, but without having to measure their self-esteem like a daily weather report? Here are 7 confidence building parenting tips that I think any mom will appreciate…

Improve your own self-confidence. Children learn by what they see, especially from their parents. If you want to raise confident children, you must be a confident person and confident at parenting. If your kiddo sees that you are afraid, they will learn to be afraid. If they see that you believe in yourself, they are more likely to emulate this behavior themselves and be confident instead of fearful.

Practice positive reinforcement. Much of the way a child perceives herself is based on the way she believes others view and value her. If you want to help your child to be confident and smart, you must reflect these things back to her. When she tries something new, be enthusiastic and encourage her. When she makes a good grade, tell her how proud you are of how smart she is. When she follows directions, praise her for it. Look for opportunities to reinforce your child positively, while also keeping the negative comments to a minimum and you will surely inspire confidence in her.

Let your child take risks. To grow self confidence everyone, including children, must learn to take risks. When we succeed, we are more confident to try new things in the future. When we fail, if we succeed and can learn from the failure we are more willing to take future risks because we know we can survive failures. I would never suggest you let your child do something that endangers their safety, but don’t over-protect them either. Parenting and protecting them is your number one job, but let them take measured, safe risks, and if they fail be supportive and encourage them to try again.

Keep a kid-friendly home so other kids will want to come over. Having more children over to your house will certainly mean more chaos and potential messes, but regular, positive, fun social interaction is important in helping your child have more confidence. Your child needs to know that you value him, but also that he is valued by his peers. Having a house that welcomes his friends and makes them want to come over will make this all the easier for him, plus he will be more at ease interacting with them because he has the comfort of his own home to encourage him to relax and be himself.

Know their friends. Children care a lot about what their friends think of them, so it’s important as a parent to know what kind of kids your child is hanging out with. Encourage your son or daughter to surround his or herself with positive friends, and be on the lookout for friends that might be negative, bossy, or a rebellious influence. You can help your child have more confidence by reminding them to be their own person and to not always go along with what’s popular.

Give them responsibilities. Since the beginning of time parents have believed in giving kids chores as a way to teach them to be responsible and to work hard. An additional benefit is that giving your child responsibility naturally teaches them confidence. When they are given a task to complete and do so to your satisfaction, and then you praise them, this builds confidence into them. Help them succeed by making your expectations clear and also making it clear that you know they can do it!

Supervise, but don’t interfere. When you are trying to teach your child to do something, do not over-manage them. Demonstrate the steps and then stand back and let them try. If they do not succeed, help them understand where they need to try again and then let them try again. As a parent you must understand their first efforts will not always be perfect, but if they get close be supportive and enthusiastic and remind them that practice makes perfect. Constantly interfering and doing things for your child will only send the message that you do not think they can do it on their own, and this will not help them be confident… so just take a step back and watch them learn, knowing you’ve equipped them with the skills to succeed.

As my husband and I from different backgrounds and we have different first languages, I am often asked if we ever have a hard time understanding each other when it comes to our relationship. Certainly at start of the relationship we’ve had some funny miscommunications, but when it comes to the deeper understanding between us I think there are many other more important factors than the actual languages you speak. Understanding in a relationship is something that builds over time and is affected by numerous factors. Here are some tips on how to increase understanding in your own relationship.

Remember to listen more than you speak. Truly try to hear and think about what your spouse is saying and make sure you are understanding them clearly. Resist the urge to interrupt them, and do not concern yourself with forming a response before they are finished speaking. To create understanding between you, you must listen.
Communicate openly about your own needs, wishes, thoughts, desires, etc. If you want your partner to understand you then you must be willing to share with them who you are. Talk about your life with them, share your feelings. Be open and honest, and try to express yourself clearly at all times.

Practice empathy, not sympathy. Instead of feeling sorry or sympathetic when your spouse is upset, try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagining feeling how they feel will make you understand more correctly, and allow you to respond and comfort them the way they need you to.

Ask questions about their day, their interests, their friends, etc. Being genuinely interested in your partner’s life outside of your relationship will enrich the understanding that exists inside of your relationship, but helping you stay connected to the individual person they are.

Be patient at all times. Remember no matter what the circumstance may be, whether you are getting ready to go out, whether your loved one is upset over something that does not bother you, or anything else do not rush them through their own natural processes. Impatience causes frustration and anxiety in the other person, and this will only lead to quarreling and misunderstandings.

Do not take their feelings personally or make their problems about you. When your spouse is upset, angry, sad, or feeling inadequate do not go on the defensive about how it affects you. Let them talk, let them express their feelings, hug them or offer feedback when appropriate. Do not take over the conversation by talking about something similar that happened to you. Let their moments like this be their own and you simply offer them love and support.

By practicing these techniques in your own relationship you will stand a much better chance of connecting with your spouse in a more meaningful way. When you share emotional intimacy with them, the understanding between the two of you will naturally increase. You may even find yourself understanding each other’s needs and thoughts without having you use verbal communication at all, sometimes. What are some of the ways that help you understand your partner better?

One of my best friends told me today that she is ending her relationship of two years. She seemed somewhat resigned and without emotion when she told me this, so of course I was curious as to why she would be so unaffected about ending things with a long-term love. Her answer was simple enough: “there is no fairness in our relationship.”

At first, I asked myself does fairness really matter in a relationship? I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by this. As the conversation continued, I realized what she meant was there was an imbalance of giving and taking. After years of being together, she said she could no longer deny that she felt all she ever did was give and contribute to the growth of the relationship, and all he did was take. She remarked that she had reached the point of feeling empty, like she had nothing left to offer, and she was simply tired of feeling like she was always being taken for granted.

I listened to her talk about how it all began, how in the beginning when their relationship was new and fresh they both seemed interested in learning about each other and doing sweet things for the other one. But, over time, she continued to pour more of herself into nurturing the relationship while he seemed content to let her do all the work alone. She told me how at the holidays he would take her back home overseas to visit his family, resulting in her not seeing her own family, and she anticipated they would trade off each year, but they always ended up only seeing his family. This was just one example of the imbalance she was feeling, but there were many more.

I think in the beginning it’s not so important to focus on the balance of fairness in relationships. Like my friend said, when it’s all new and fresh and exciting the balance should occur naturally. If there is a clear, obvious imbalance in the very beginning the relationship clearly is not working anyway and you should probably not continue to explore it further.

But, I also think it is natural in relationships for the give take occurrence to change over time. Some people are naturally more giving than others, so it stands to reason that in a relationship one partner may consistently give more than the other. However, the imbalance should not be such that one is doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking.

If you find your significant other is not giving enough to your relationship, consider whether or not you are giving enough. Some people are prompted to give in response to someone else starting the process. Maybe if you give more, so will they. But don’t allow yourself to carry on for too long as the giver if you see they are only going to continue to take.

When your spouse or lover starts to make you feel that you are being taken for granted, or that they are getting more out of your relationship than they are putting into it, it is definitely time to talk about the issue. I think a calm conversation where you discuss your feelings and offer specific examples of when you feel the imbalance has occurred can really help you both address the problem. Whether they do not realize it is happening, or whether they disagree, communication is the only way to resolve it. You may end up bringing balance back to your relationship. You may end up realizing you’ve simply grown apart and it’s time to move on in your separate directions. Either outcome will be better for you than to continue feeling empty and taken for granted.

While reading some product reviews for popular holiday gifts for teens, I noticed that several of the gadgets (smart phones, laptops, etc.) listed built in GPS and Internet usage monitoring as positive points from the parents’ perspective. This got me thinking about parenting styles and how the modern world is making it easier for parents to keep up with what their kids are doing. But is it possible we’ve gone too far?

In today’s world you can track your child’s every move simply by purchasing him or her a cell phone that has GPS in it. You can similarly follow your teenagers by putting a GPS tracking system in their or yours’ vehicle if they are driving age, but the cell phone tactic certainly seems easier. You can even add GPS to your child’s laptop and certain mp3 players. These were originally intended to be used should the device ever be lost or stolen, but many parents are using them to keep tabs on their children’s whereabouts. GPS has certainly made tracking your child easier, especially when you consider that in many cultures for years (and even still some today) parents resorted to making sure their child was accompanied everywhere they went – including having a chaperone for dates!

For parents who want to know not only where there child is, but also what they may be thinking, feeling, doing there are also apparently many options provided by today’s technology. Where once parents might have read their child’s diary or journal, these days you can simply download a keystroke logger on their computer and have a daily log of everything they do, see, click, open, type, or read. There have even been stories about parents creating “dummy” Facebook, Myspace, and other such accounts and “friending” their child in an attempt to gain access to information they think their kiddo might be keeping a secret from them.

With all these points of access to what today’s children are doing, I think it’s worth considering how this might be affecting the way we communicate and relate to our kids. Are parents still talking to their children and extending the trust that they will tell them the truth and be open with them? Are kids aware that parents are engaging in these sort of attempts to dig into their business? And if so, are kids today getting smarter about keeping secrets? If they are, how much privacy are they entitled to? Where is the line between parenting and privacy? Is it always a safety issue, or are some parents just overly protective?

I think children and teens are entitled to a certain amount of privacy, but it should be up to the parents to decide how much. After all, they better than anybody know how much freedom their child can handle. These are all good things to consider, I’m interested to know what my readers with children think about this topic… so let the comments begin!

When I think about the early stages of a relationship, I always think about those early sparks and butterflies. That sizzle that seems to exist between two people as they are discovering everything about each other for the very first time. And of course there are those other sparks, the ones that really get your blood pulsing. But what if that doesn’t exist in your relationship? Not even in the beginning?

If you are in the situation to be dating or married to a true gentleman in every sense of the word, do you miss that spark that generally comes with a more rough-around-the-edges man? Gentlemen are notorious for being super sweet. For opening doors, holding coats, and pulling out chairs. This is the kind of guy that sends you flowers for no reason, that enjoys taking you and your mother to lunch, and that runs you a hot bubble bath after work and doesn’t invite himself into it. Gentlemen are always respectful of a woman’s boundaries and they never say anything off-color in the presence of a lady. But, when you date him, do you wish he was ever more playful and naughty with you? Do you find yourself longing for him to sweep you off your feet and carry you promptly off to bed?

Compare this, now to the less than gentlemanly blokes out there. Those naughty cads who whistle when a beautiful woman walks by. The charming chap who always has a quick line and a gorgeous smile when he sees you at the local pub. When you date this kind of man you are sure to find a great deal of passion and playfulness. This man won’t remember to send you flowers, but he will certainly find a reason to get you into the bathtub with him. The beginning of a relationship with him is often marked by a rush of heat and hormones, and depending on your chemistry it may last the course of the entire relationship. But, while he’s keeping you laughing and satisfied in numerous naughty ways, are you missing the romance and chivalry of the gentleman?

So, faced with the choice between gentleness and sparks, which would you choose? It seems men are always one or the other, and women are always wanting the one they don’t have. So perhaps the key here is finding balance. If you’re head over heels for your sweet, loving, romantic gentleman, maybe you can spice things up and let him know it’s okay to be a little less than appropriate with you, by sometimes being more playful and coy with him. If you find yourself swept up in a sizzling relationship with a manly man, you might have to be more direct and simply tell him that you’d really like it if he tried to add a touch of chivalry and romance to your interaction. Be prepared to give him specific examples and ideas… while Mr. Gentle is often in tune with your needs and subtle hints, Mr. Testosterone generally doesn’t speak the female language so he will need you to be direct.

Sparks or gentleness, readers… which would you choose if balance wasn’t an option?

It’s never easy to lose someone you love. This kind of loss in our lives is often difficult to overcome and it can be hard to even believe that you can overcome it. When someone is taken from us suddenly, we often feel weak and helpless. If you are faced with this kind of grief, remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve… but there are healthy ways of dealing with it. Here are some suggestions of things you can do to deal with the pain of the loss of a loved one.

Cry. It’s okay to cry. Crying does not make you weak. Sometimes the best way to deal with and overcome an emotion is to simply embrace it and let it exist until it is no longer there. One of my favorite quotes says. “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving

Write your feelings in a journal. When we are in pain from the loss of a loved one, we often feel many emotions at once. Anger, grief, sadness, depression, confusion… this flood of emotion can be very overwhelming. Writing your feelings and thoughts down can help you to organize and understand them, and over time the writing can be very therapeutic.

Surround yourself with friends and family. It can be more difficult to deal with the loss of a loved one if you are trying to do it alone. Reach out to the people you love for company and comfort. Talk to them, go out with them, whatever you want is okay. Just remember that it’s okay to need a shoulder to lean on.

Plan a celebration of life. A wonderful way to work through your grief and help you move on is to celebrate the life of the loved one you’ve lost. This can be anything from a simple gathering of your family or friends to talk about the wonderful ways they made all your lives better, or as elaborate as a formal party or ceremony. The main point here is that where funerals are about mourning a loss, this should be about joy and celebration, about knowing that part of them will always be with you.

Do something they loved. When you are facing the loss of a loved one, one of the most difficult things we must face is the feeling of never seeing them again and doing the things we enjoyed with them. But this is not the case. You can still do those things, and when you do remember them warmly and enjoy the moment. Remembering the happiness and joy you shared with them will help you overcome the pain of losing them.

Many people believe that friendship is the best foundation for a romantic relationship to be built on. Often long-term couples will say their secret to happiness is that they are each other’s best friend. This makes sense when you think about how complex romantic relationships are. For a relationship to thrive you must truly know and understand one another, without judgment and you must know how to relate to each other on multiple levels. Being friends first often gives you a wonderful, no-pressure way of developing these skills. There is also the instance where two people are friends for a long time, and over time an unexpected attraction develops between them. Either way, most people will agree that sometimes friends make the best lovers.

But… what happens if you suddenly realize you are in love with your friend… who is already in a relationship with someone else? How do you handle this situation without hurting them, yourself, or the person they are with?

I think the most important first step here is to take some time to really think about how you are feeling. Why do you suddenly feel like you love your friend? Have you recently had a break up of your own that is making you feel vulnerable? Is your friends’ relationship getting more serious and you might subconsciously be afraid you are losing them? Or, are you really in love and it’s just taken time to develop and for you to realize it…

If after you’ve thought about it and you are sure you are in love, then you must decide what you are going to do about it. I do not support the idea of in any way trying to break up your friend’s relationship. This will only serve to hurt your friend and their significant other, and will probably also cost you the friendship if they ever find out it was you who sabotaged their relationship in the first place. So, I think there are really only two choices here:

1. Accept the fact that your friend is taken and you must accept that as long as their relationship continues and let your friendship with them be enough, or

2. If you don’t think you can continue to be just friends, then you must talk to your friend about your feelings.

Choice number one is straight forward and the expectations are clear. So, let’s discuss choice number two a bit. If you decide you cannot go on being just friends, this is the time you must sit down with your friend and talk about your feelings. If you just suddenly disappear from their life, they will not understand and will demand a conversation anyway, so I don’t recommend trying to avoid it to begin with. This is your friend, you should be able to talk openly. How you go about it will depend on the nature of your friendship, but I encourage you to be open and honest, but be prepared for a variety of reactions. Your friend might be surprised, they might be upset, they might feel awkward and not have the same feelings in return. However, they might be feeling the same thing. As long as you are open and do not let your anxiety or emotions get the better of you, you should be able to discuss it. You may decide to continue being friends, or to go your separate way, or you might even find yourself in a new relationship with your friend if they return the feelings you are having. But if they choose to stay in their existing relationship, you must respect that choice.

As a footnote, I must say if your friend is married you should honor that relationship and keep your feelings to yourself. Consider that perhaps you are not in love with your friend, but wanting a life to similar the one they have with their spouse. Know that when it is time love with the right person will come into your life and you, too, will have that special relationship.