Elayne Sanchez

Mood Board 14 | November 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Wed, 02 Nov 2022 12:03:00 +0000

Militech Soldier | Conceptual

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 15:20:00 +0000

I am starting a new series of conceptual fan art that would revolve around Cyberpunk's universe. Due to its regained popularity after Edgerunner’s release last month, I've been playing it whenever I could, making me obsessed with the game in general. I submitted an entry for the Photo Mode Challenge - Wardrobe Edition (wish me luck) and hope to be one of the chosen few to be selected. The fangirl in me wants the prizes so badly.

Anyway, my artwork is inspired by Militech, a megacorporation that specializes in weapons manufacturing and private military contracting. Whenever I am cruising with a motorcycle in-game around the eastern Badlands, I would see a lot of Militech soldiers acting like a patrol.

© CD Projekt RED

Let’s talk about the process. I came across a good reference model from DeviantArt and did most of the things myself. I recreated the Militech logo to add to the soldier’s military uniform and drew the facial cyberware. For my background, I took a VP in-game and then transformed it into vexel to match the vector style I did for the model. Added a couple of textures, and light hatching for the shadows. Lastly, fixed some minor color adjustments through post-processing.

WHAT'S ON MY MIND?

All-throughout the journey to complete this artwork, I somehow realized what is my main passion and the kind of work I wanted to pursue as my end game. I always wanted to create art and express myself without limitations. Video games are my main inspiration and also the hobby I do the most. It has been my dream to work for a gaming studio and way back I just thought I lack the talent necessary to be a skilled artist.

I just feel insecure that I can’t draw without guides and I needed a model so I can just copy it with my eyes when doing it traditionally. Our eldest brother and my twin can draw better than me if I’m being honest in terms of natural talent. I guess that’s one of the reasons I stopped practicing drawing and I always think I’ll never be able to be super good at it.

I kinda leaned into different fields of digital art and eventually ventured into graphic design because I tend to compare myself with other artists and wanted to just do the easiest thing. At the back of my mind, I always want to be that person who can create these awesome arts that I see.

So yeah, I came to a realization and I’ve decided not to be scared anymore. I intend to learn again and do the basics until that moment I become a master of my craft. I know it’s going to be a long road literally, at least a decade or more but it’ll be worth it.

If you are a constant follower of my works, you’ll know that I started experimenting with semi-realism and stylization. I did two photomanipulations earlier this year but focused more on vector art. I wanted to practice more with realism so that I can develop my skills along the way once I go back to learning anatomy and body movements. I should’ve studied harder during my Technical Drawing course way back in university but it’s never too late. I am also interested in architectural and environmental art so I would add them to my list.

In the meantime, I would create these type of projects as I navigate my ongoing financial crisis. Once stable, I will slowly transition into personal concept arts. Long road ahead but I’m looking forward to it and also to pushing the boundaries I limit myself on.

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

At the End of One's Rope

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Tue, 27 Sep 2022 06:36:00 +0000

What is harder? Staying in your comfort zone and wondering what it’s like to push your limits or chase your dreams knowing you’ll either live to see through it or die trying.

I woke up today and was scrolling my feed for an hour before getting up and I saw a post that made me think about my ongoing existential crisis. Two parts of me constantly fight for the spot daily—the first one is the positive side of myself that constantly strives to be the best and do things that will lead to achieving my goals. Lastly, the negative side of me that is lazy, doesn’t give a damn, and has zero motivation to do even the basic things.

It’s been more than a year since I left my corporate job in the hopes of starting a full-time career related to my course and establishing myself as an artist. The positive outcomes of my decision are the following; stress-free from a job I hated, managed to compile my works related to arts and design, left a social media footprint then grew a following on my Instagram, and started experimenting with my art style. I guess I’ve been mentioning this stuff every time I rant about my struggles to hide the fact that there are more cons.

The cons? I don’t even know where to start. Perhaps that moment when I expected a stable gig from a client that assigned me 2 gaming projects. I’ve made advertorial designs and done both social media creation and moderation. Eventually, he called out the projects, and all I did turn into pro-bono work. He reached out to me months later for another project similar to the ones we initially agreed upon but this time I declined. He will not provide stable pay and how much will depend on players' donations. I can’t afford to do that because my debts are piling up.

The worst thing right now is I still haven’t fully settled my salary loan as well as the credit debts I owe. I also borrowed money from my mom and eldest brother. When I try to think how much is the total and how the interest increases, it makes my stomach ache, and my head just wants to explode. I’ve been contemplating selling my action figure collection since if I want a decent price then it’ll take a while. Selling them in a rush would not be worth it at all.

I just feel like my decision to ditch my stable job wasn’t given much thought since I was trying to impress my now ex-boyfriend. I can’t blame him for it since it was me who got distracted and couldn’t focus on work. If I can just turn back time I would not proceed with any relationship with him despite how he pursues me endlessly. I got everything planned out for my future and things turned chaotic because I included him and my goals changed.

The breakup occurred and I still managed to resume my things yet most of the time I just don’t have it in me. No motivation, no fire, or eagerness at all. Every time the positive side of me wants to start something, the negative side would take over as soon as I boot up my computer and look for projects or jobs.

Also, the projects that I’ve done for the past year were only; pro-bono work that ended halfway, some design stuff for a Dota 2 server my friend made, and my mom’s tutorial center. Other than those, I didn’t thoroughly seek projects. I sent out a few proposals through UpWork last year but I’m just not motivated. I wanted to do my art and not work for a client yet I was so stubborn given I am broke as f*ck. My twin also encouraged me to try in their company which I did. I sent my resume and I am sure one of the HRs called yet I am too afraid to answer my phone. I constantly get calls and messages regarding my debts and I just can’t pick up. The recent one was when I saw an opening as a studio assistant for a ceramic and pottery business located at Cubao Expo. I was thrilled given I am qualified for the position and imagined myself working there. Sadly, I didn’t get shortlisted which made me sad.

I didn’t want to fool anyone yet it’s so much pressure when people just won’t stop asking what I do for work. Easier to shut them off with an idea than explain my complicated predicament. I wonder how those people who think I am constantly booked with projects will perceive me now. Honestly, I couldn’t care less. I am pretty much at the end of my rope.

I am not sure what will happen to me and sometimes I just prefer not to wake up the next morning. Still, here I am. I know that deeply the positive side of me wants to keep trying, and perhaps it would be worth it to chase my dreams than staying in my comfort zone.

Had to unload all these heavy feelings off my chest so I can focus on moving forward. I am preparing to apply again to this company I tried to last year. My values assessment didn’t match any positions they were seeking at that time so I am hoping this time around I’ll be given a chance. In case I won’t get it then I’ve decided to return to corporate work.

Work. Pay the debts. Save up. Move out. Prolly finish my remaining semesters. Chase my dreams once financially stable. Sounds like a plan.

I wonder if I will ever be happy and have peace of mind or just end up on auto-pilot trying to survive somehow.

{DISCLAIMER: Editorial photo obtained via Unsplash and I don't own any of the gifs}

Jen's Tutorial Center Logo Design

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 11:54:00 +0000

Dotka PH 1st Anniversary Templates

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 11:00:00 +0000

Feeling the Sunshine

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 20:05:00 +0000

"Don't let the shadows of yesterday spoil the sunshine of tomorrow. Live for today." — Nandina Morris

The past week has been hard for me because I lost a friend and made me think about things from a different perspective. That person was more than a pal since we treated each other like family yet when I decided not to tolerate more of her bad decisions, it was easier for her to cut me off than to talk things through.

I want to go back to memory lane when we first met as a way of unloading heavy feelings and letting go. I will focus on the highlights since too many to mention for summarization. Also to protect her identity, let’s call her Maria. We encountered each other in February 2021 due to mutual friends. Surprisingly, we clicked right off the bat and felt like we’d known each other for a long time. We have the same hobby so we spent a lot of time together with our friends. There was a minor disagreement we had during the early days but we’ve managed to talk like adults and reconciled. I liked that experience because real friends are honest with one another even if it hurts.

A setback occurred for a short period when things were messy in terms of our relationships. I wasn’t on good terms with my boyfriend at that time (recent ex) and she tried to cheer me up along with her toxic boyfriend (her ex now too). We have a close friend who secretly likes me and attempted to get closer when he found out my ex wasn’t treating me well. I get along with them since it was a sincere effort but the guy who likes me ended up a psycho-stalker. He tried to force himself into my life despite knowing I am in a relationship and perhaps to retaliate, decided to make my friendship with Maria sour. That guy sort of said things to my side which were inaccurate and did the same thing to the other party. We found out eventually and it only made our relationship stronger.

Maria and I were inseparable, we were supportive in all things and we drew strength from each other. We faced many obstacles we thought impossible to overcome but knowing we have one another made it easier to exist. I appreciate her for accepting me for who I am and I did the same thing. I even tolerated most of her decisions because for me it’s her right and she’s an adult who knows the consequences of her actions.

She was in an on-off relationship with her toxic ex and they broke up almost the same time my ex and I took a break. That guy wanted Maria back and she gave him another chance but during that period she was cheating behind his back. I was like “he deserved” it but I am friends with this guy she was giving a chance. I felt really bad afterward because he genuinely liked Maria but she kind of used him to spite her ex.

Honestly, I can’t remember how many times I turned my face the other way around whenever she tries to play with other people’s feelings. She was in a relationship already but constantly keeps her options open by giving false hopes to other guys because she wasn’t sure or sometimes unhappy with her current partner. I tried to understand her perspective and at that period, I was thinking that she isn’t married yet and can decide which one she wants to be her end game so it was fine.

November 2021 came and her toxic ex decided to end their relationship, again. I was surprised she begged him to stay because she genuinely lost interest during the time they tried to work things out. Her ex was a sh*tty person and also started to flirt with others but for me, both of them did wrong. I wanted what was best for her so with a heavy heart, I gave her an ultimatum that she’ll lose me if she ever gets back together again.

I thought that maybe because of failed relationships and how bad the recent ex was as of this writing towards her, she kind of resorted to being the one who hurts than the one who will end up in the ditch.

I started to suspect Maria’s real intentions when earlier this year I encountered one of her friends from long ago. He started to tease her about the past and some guys who she probably had a thing as well. Then it was weird when she kicked him out of our Discord server. I didn’t make a big deal out of it because she told me so.

Things were more concerning when it involved my high school friend. I’ve noticed that they became closer and even spent time alone so for me it was becoming more. To my surprise, some drama unfolded which resulted in my friend leaving, and then there’s this other guy I barely interacted with hating Maria. In their defense, she’s prioritizing another guy and I was surprised that it’s our friend who is married and has a kid already. I thought it was nothing because she said that they were only playing games and nothing more.

Eventually, I found out that she and our married friend is already in a relationship. I talked her out of it before it becomes serious and she assured me it’s nothing like just a pastime. She’s aware it will mean nothing in the long run because her family will never accept that kind of relationship. Shortly, Maria informed him that she only wants to be friends and that the closeness they had should be forgotten. I am relieved beyond words and expected it was final.

Little did I know, they kept the relationship going. When I came back from my hiatus I was really surprised and she didn’t even keep me updated on what was happening. I sort of blamed myself for why she ended with that guy and why it seems she didn’t learn a thing or two from her toxic ex. I was going through my heartache due to my breakup with my ex-boyfriend so I had to be on my own for months and deal with the loss in my way.

I got used to seeing her and our married friend in an on-off relationship and at one point, I brought up the “ultimatum” card again so she’ll stop the nonsense. It didn’t work though because she made me accountable and guilty when I obliged her to do it with her ex and she won’t this time along with her incoherent reasons. I genuinely care for her so I respected her wishes. I’ve decided to let her be and do her own for the meantime because she kept saying she will leave that married guy with a child once someone “serious” comes along.

Two months passed since my comeback and we celebrated our first anniversary for Dotka PH. August was about to end and then Maria suddenly messaged that she has something to tell me. It was the bomb and I couldn’t stomach things she did.

Long story short, she repeated the same thing all over again. While in a relationship with the married guy, she cheated behind his back with another friend of ours. I was so fed up and sick that she purposely hurt people for her selfish reasons. As someone who experienced cheating, I can’t accept that behavior coming from a friend I treat as family. She explained her side so well and why it happened then I believed her. Again. I even cheered her up even though she was in the wrong because I thought it was an honest mistake and she regrets it.

What Maria did was so wrong and her boyfriend was completely clueless about what truly occurred and the other guy didn’t know I was aware. I don’t bother with relationship issues of my mutual friends because I am always neutral and it’s between them whatever happened. If they ask my advice or opinion then I try to be honest with my viewpoint.

September came and the hype for Dota 2 Battle Pass is intense even up to this day. I am in contact with our friends and it happened that I talked with this guy Maria cheated with recently. We were discussing stuff related to the game but he kept bringing her up. I ignored it but when he asked me if she mentioned anything I got fed up and said: “I know actually but duh I like you both so idc”. In my defense, I just want to move on with our lives and it doesn’t matter to me what transpired since they’re both my friends.

To my surprise again, all that she told me that happened was a LIE. I couldn’t even interact properly with our friend because I was crying as he unravel all the things Maria has done. I was naive to let my love blind me to her lies even though the red flags were always present. I just chose not to see them. Still, I couldn’t believe why she had to lie given I accepted and supported her with all her decisions may they be good or bad.

She sent me a message that same night if I have said things but I chose to sleep my anger first so I can think properly once rested. Morning arrived and it took me hours to compose my message so it’ll appear logical for her to understand and apologize.

I believe she read my message as soon as she woke up and replied emotionally. Instead of admitting her mistakes, she dug her grave deeper and revealed more lies I didn’t know. Maria even tried to make me the bad guy by gaslighting and not understanding her while all this time that’s what I’ve been doing. She thought I am against her and used the “depressed” card on me because why do I have to bring it up? Why does she think the world is against her and she’s the victim? She can’t even admit she has purposely hurt people and still she’s the damsel-in-distress in the end.

That guy friend is even right. He mentioned her life isn’t even f*cked up, she just purposely does f*cked up things that will ruin her. Thinking about it now, she came from an affluent family and afforded things middle-class folks couldn’t. She can skip work whenever she feels like it because of her dad and will never worry about money. I guess sometimes she can’t appreciate the good in her life because of a few wants she can’t get. If she wanted a stable relationship she could’ve but always chooses the ones who will hurt her. Reminds me of Maddie in Euphoria when she said “I’ll never find that kind of love…there’s no darkness, it’s just sweet. I don’t know if that will ever be enough for me…” truly sad.

Going back, she showed no regrets or remorse. It seems like she did nothing wrong and it appears to me that I’m the bad guy now that I can’t tolerate her sh*ts. Instead of talking things through, she wanted to stay away and then dropped the “you take care” to me. I replied and told her to backread when her thinking is alright and asked if it’s easier to cut off people even me who is important just because I can’t support the wrong things anymore. Then ended it by telling her if she’s decided then it pains me but what can I do if I can’t be a good influence in her life anymore.

I haven’t heard from her since then. She left and deleted me from her Steam list alongside all our friends, not gonna be a surprise to me if I’m deleted soon on all her social media. Now it appears to me I’m not that really important in her life and she only cared when I agree with everything be it morally wrong.

What’s worse? She reconnected with that toxic ex recently even though she’s still in a relationship with the married guy. I guess me being not around anymore unleashed the beast. I want to reach out even after all the lies because it’s obvious she’s self-sabotaging and needs help yet my gut tells me not to.

A lot of our friends avoided her and most stayed friends with me despite their bad blood with Maria. She does things that hurt people and don’t think about the consequences. I can’t count how many times she made new Discord accounts, even made new Facebook just to remove people and she’s always the victim even though she’s the one with issues.

It’s becoming clear now we aren’t the problem but her. She’s like a rot that slowly spreads and affects others and won’t be stopped unless completely cut off. I ain’t a goody-good person and I’ve done mistakes in my life but what she constantly does baffles me. I can’t comprehend how some folks hurt people without feeling guilty.

As much as I want to reach out and be that real friend, I don’t think she can be helped unless she wants to change on her own and reflect on her shortcomings. I have hopes that one day she’ll realize because it’s sad to think if she will be alone.

This is goodbye, Maria. I guess this is it for me. You take care.

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 13 | September 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 11:18:00 +0000

Corpo Chic

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 15:55:00 +0000

"Forget about regret, just focus. Focus on today, not on the past. Focus on what you can do, not what you didn't do." — Catherine Pulsifer

I haven’t made nor posted any artwork for more than a month and it greatly bothered me. I was occupied with family obligations, had to organize events for our Dota 2 server, and was on multiple vacations. Not bad because I managed to take a breather and unwind yet something feels incomplete.

Honestly, there are some setbacks I faced and I’ve been stressed out even before August arrived due to plans I didn’t manage to execute. Above all, I wanted to secure full-time employment again in the corporate world to have a stable income. I guess July wasn’t a productive month for me in terms of career development and self-growth.

Basically, this vector art is a mixture of my current wants, going back to corporate and still doing my artistry at the same time. I am so pressured and it’s getting tough for me to find the strength to be positive. I just keep telling myself to do what I can and see what’s next.

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own the gif}

Mood Board 12 | August 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 14:11:00 +0000

Daydreamer

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 04:18:00 +0000

“A vision without action is called a daydream; but then again, action without a vision is called a nightmare.” — Jim Sorensen

Before the year 2022 started, I really wanted some changes in my life and set up some groundwork during the previous year. I used to think that I won’t able to go back to pursue my passion and constantly daydream about outcomes if I made different choices in the past. I was living on autopilot and just going to get up and do the same routine, hating the job I had and wishing I could be creative.

I think I have mentioned before in one of my posts that one of my wake-up calls is the death of an important figure in my life. He is Sir Jimmy Oblena, a professor we all cherish. He is a visual artist and photographer among others. Upon learning his passing, it made me look back on the past and recall his advice. I had a realization and asked myself "what am I doing?".

Time was rough for me and my family back then when my father was diagnosed with late-stage colon cancer. I am a couple of semesters away from finishing my degree and I had to voluntarily drop out to ease the financial trouble. Had to focus on working and told me I would not look back and accept the reality. I can’t even apply to companies related to my course because they require a diploma which I clearly lack. Tried seeking online opportunities back then yet it was pre-pandemic so most clientele goes for a company based instead of freelancers. I had no choice but to find employment in a different field and was fortunate enough to be given a chance even though I lack academic attainment. I am thankful for the first company I worked for because I gained experience which proved helpful for me to seek better opportunities and higher-paying jobs later on.

Going back, I was content because even though my path was in a different direction, I was able to sustain myself and buy things with my own money. I have some choices I wished I never made and if you’re interested to learn more kindly check my article “Six Money Mistakes of a Young Adult In Her 20's”.

Eventually, I grew tired of repeated stuff and I know deep inside my heart that I want to do something else and it was not always about the money. When Sir Jimmy died, I was really devasted not just because of his death but also for myself. Like why did I give up? I could’ve made small projects even for myself to keep the creativity going with a day job and not blame the world for my fate.

I don’t really want to credit my recent ex for this but he was actually the one who pushed me to just follow my passion. I guess if he didn’t motivate me back then, I won’t be here where I am now. I also got encouraged to finish my degree which I would definitely do. Perhaps being pressured to put up with his family standard (his parents are both doctors as well as his eldest brother and both his sister then another brother is studying medicine) wasn’t that bad. Honestly, at first, I was doing it because I wanted him to be proud of me and also his family won’t think down on me.

We broke up in February this year and I’ve realized that I wasn’t doing this for anyone. I wanted this for myself and the heartache only encouraged me to keep going forward. I took a leap of faith, planned things, and slowly managed to be creative again. Having a broken heart won’t stop me this time and I have been through the worst in my life.

I used to daydream that my life would be different but nothing would change if I won’t take action. I keep telling myself “do one thing you can do today and focus on that”. Small progress is still progress and look what I have achieved so far. Managed to update my website and then eventually got approved for Google AdSense, my DeviantArt and Behance are both alive, started my Pinterest too, and from 50+ followers on Instagram now I have 1,680+ as of this writing.

I still have a long way to go yet I can’t imagine not having progress like this half a year ago. There are things that I want to set in motion at the right time but I have responsibilities I have to fulfill in order for them to come to fruition. In my conclusion, I just want to say that it’s up to us to define ourselves and if we really want something to happen then we have to start somewhere even if it means just getting up in bed and fixing the sheets.

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 11 | June 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Wed, 08 Jun 2022 11:32:00 +0000

Dead Stare

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Sun, 22 May 2022 14:14:00 +0000

"My single pair of eyes contain the universe they see; their mirrored multiplicity is packed into a hollow body where I reflect the many, in my one." — Stephen Spender

I genuinely believe that each of us has our own way of perceiving things and it’s up to us whether we want to see the world in its beauty or drown in its negativity. Light and darkness always coexist and if the other one is gone, the balance would cease to exist and will cause discord. Sounds so cheesy or straight out of a video game but it’s true.

My reference for this vector art perfectly captured the emotion I had to put up so that I can remain neutral and not burn some bridges. I have been non-partisan since my university days and I refrain to talk about politics yet given the nature of my topic regarding the artwork that I have made, I guess I am free to speak my two cents.

For the past months and at the present time, I am disgusted by how these people I know and some I respected act so ignorantly. Most of them are my schoolmates, some friends, and a few relatives.

A short briefing, last May 9 we had our election here in the Philippines and everyone was fighting for their candidates. I don’t want to go into detail but the recent election brought the worse into people. I will also just talk about the ones who I think were impactful during the said period.

First, on the list, this specific candidate who is still the vice president as of this writing has supporters called “kakampink”. They wear pink to symbolize their support and some were trying so hard to educate folks forcefully because they believe their preferred president has legit educational attainment, helped a lot of Filipinos and their platform is better. Even before her candidacy I greatly find her annoying because instead of being cooperative with the government, she won’t shut up and just opposed mostly to everything. Personally, I dislike her attitude because she was too focused to spread hateful remarks instead of letting her actions speak louder. The same goes for her supporters, some became cult-like and kept throwing hurtful words at people who doesn’t believe in her.

Secondly, the current president-elect. He is mostly known to be the son of a dictator during the Martial Law era. It is a very controversial topic and I prefer not to go deeper because I wasn’t born yet at that time. We learned in our books about what happened in the past yet the media all throughout the years only showcased the bad not specifying the good. For me, it’s quite unfair because the family is still supported by millions (they wear red to show support) and we all know how the West always meddles with the affairs of other countries usually developing either for oil or resources. I used to be a foreign service student and learned more about how politics work. It’s given we won’t forget about the unfortunate events that occurred during Martial Law but I believe the sins of the parents are not shouldered by the children.

Last but not least is the current mayor of Manila. He is actually the one that I prefer because of how he transformed the capital and made a lot of changes that the previous mayors couldn’t. I wished he was the mayor during the time I was studying. He can relate to the masses because he grew up struggling and apart from that his educational background is on point as well as his public service. He didn’t come from a rich political family nor has it easy in life. Honestly, I wished he didn’t run for the presidency because I can’t fathom another Manila mayor like him. I know he’ll still continue serving the people despite losing the campaign.

So to wrap it up, the social media war is so harsh, and even families fight each other just because of their differences. I feel like even though the election was over, this will go on forever. I can’t understand how people can’t accept other people’s beliefs and are willing to hurt each other’s feelings instead of speaking calmly and being respectful. We are living in a democratic country and the majority voted for the officials they believe are best. Instead of acting like a kid who didn’t get a toy, everyone should just move forward and help themselves. If you’re opposed then just be vigilant with the new government.

I am not sure if in the near future I would get called out for voicing my opinion on this topic but it doesn’t matter. Either they'll condemn me for not voting or they will perceive me as incoherent regarding certain matters. I chose not to live like that and I still show respect even to some folks who have done bad stuff towards me. Some people who are against you from the start would only see the flaw and be disrespectful. We just have to accept that having someone opposing our ideals is normal and just focus on our lives.

“All that we do is governed by the law of opposites in which every so-called positive act is exactly and equally balanced by its opposite.” — Tony Parsons

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 10 | May 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Sat, 21 May 2022 13:15:00 +0000

Live Life in Full Bloom

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Sat, 14 May 2022 15:56:00 +0000

I’ve been wanting to create a vector with a tattooed woman reference for a while now. Finally found the first one and it’s cool because it resembles my V in Cyberpunk 2077 which I posted before this artwork. You can check it out here.

I recall wanting a tattoo so badly during my sophomore year as a university student. It was 127.0.0.1 on my left wrist which means localhost or server. Basically like home. I didn't proceed with it because I know I'll regret it later on given I easily get tired of the same thing. I tried so hard to be edgy or cool during that era and even pierced my left ear. Now that I am reminiscing as I write, I can’t help but smile.

A quick life update, I felt so drained the rest of the week due to intense preparations before and during my brother’s wedding. I just slept the past weekend and felt a bit sad because my ex’s name popped up again. I already deleted every remnant of his being on my side but saw him checking me on Instagram.

I was puzzled as to why, maybe he got curious about what was up and part of me thought he wanted to get back together. Good thing I talked to Kaye and she reminded me that he seems so enthusiastic about his newfound girl. So yeah I should stop thinking he cares and move on.

Honestly seeing him affected me and I couldn’t focus the whole week. I barely posted content and I needed some time to chill so I played A Plague Tale: Innocence (highly recommended and thinking to do another article about female protagonists) and then watched anime. Also, I was supposed to do an interview but I am double-minded because I want to find new employment that requires me not to stay at home. I just want to be outside since time passes so much faster.

Right now, I feel a lot better and back on track. I don’t want to overpush myself if deep inside I know I am not alright. Yet I can’t just do nothing at all because no one would do things for me. I never imagined healing would be like this, it’s like a rollercoaster ride. When will this end?

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 9 | May 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Tue, 10 May 2022 10:23:00 +0000

Glamorous

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Wed, 04 May 2022 15:55:00 +0000

“Glam culture is ultimately rooted in obsession, and those of us who are truly devoted and loyal to the lifestyle of glamour are masters of its history. Or, to put it more elegantly, we are librarians.” ― Lady Gaga

Ever since I was a kid, I always knew that I love things that are pretty and I’m obsessed with beauty as an art form. It was tough to live in a society wherein you have to keep yourself looking humble, not wear unusual clothes or too revealing outfits because people will give you a weird stare. I can’t also wear specific clothing because of my conservative parents and I was forced to go to church.

I recall one incident when I was in 5th or 6th grade when my mom purchased me some pretty dresses with bold colors. I styled my outfit and wore it to church. Guess what? Our pastor that time ridiculed my outfit and deemed it ugly. I was mad because I gave my heart styling myself and some girls even complimented me.

Looking back now, I think he has no fashion sense and I visited that same church with my brothers pre-pandemic wearing an outfit I liked. Surprisingly, I got a compliment from him. I was civil but deep inside me I will never forget how he crushed my fragile heart as a kid.

My advice for adults out there, you should watch your words especially if you’re talking to kids because your insults would scar them for life. I didn’t let those folks who didn’t appreciate my capabilities slow me down and with the path I am currently taking, I will become the woman I would look up to.

Now playing:

First Class - Jack Harlow

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 8 | April 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 08:40:00 +0000

Life is Sweeter with Milkshakes

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Thu, 28 Apr 2022 07:50:00 +0000

"I love how summer just wraps its arms around you like a warm blanket." — Kellie Elmore

I can’t stand the humidity for the past few days and I just want to wear my swimsuit, go to the beach and drink some milkshake. The temperature is so high that my PC is also in danger of experiencing overheating. As much as I want to get out and have a tan, the wedding is next week so I don’t have the luxury to ruin my complexion.

Anyway, I am feeling better and more productive too despite the heat and I can now see some results after letting go of the past. I can’t even imagine what it would be like last week since I was super down but doing baby steps truly help me on my progress. Also, I have decided to leave the server I started with friends temporarily to avoid seeing my ex. So based on what’s happening right now, I think I have made the right decision.

Now playing:

Milkshake - Kelis

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 7 | April 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 07:44:00 +0000

I'm fine.

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 15:46:00 +0000

I’m fine.

The most told lie in the English language. Used when someone is, in fact, not fine, but drowning in their sadness. They say ‘I’m fine because they don’t want to worry anyone about their problems, and it’s easier than explaining what’s wrong. (from Urban Dictionary)

For the past 2 months after the breakup, I just realized lately that I have been pretending that I am over my ex or the relationship. I was forced to put up a happy face, and show that my life is better. I thought I cried everything for the first days when he left me but I was too prideful and didn’t want to accept defeat. Honestly, I even made myself believe that I am really alright and I am already moving on.

On my birthday last April 12th, he left a birthday greeting on our server but didn’t send it directly. At that time I was feeling butterflies in my stomach and was secretly hoping that he still loves me or wants me back. When I look at it now, if he wants direct contact he would message me directly but didn’t so there won’t be any follow-up conversations. He never reached out to me. He liked a few Instagram posts but stopped doing so the 3rd week of our breakup yet regularly views my stories. I couldn’t openly post some stuff because I know he would see everything. I want to post something related to heartache yet looking pathetic in his eyes was the last thing I want.

Eventually, I found out that he is embracing the single life and loudly proclaiming to our mutual friends he is flirting with other girls. I heard he has a new girlfriend now and what’s more painful was how he interacted with this girl who pretty much became the reason for our relationship’s downfall. Last December, I made up my mind to cut him off completely since I can’t put up with his lies anymore. Stupid me gave him another chance on top of so many. It was never the same afterward though, I just hate him for what he did to me and I wait for the time that he would cheat fully. Part of me wishes he would just break up with me because I couldn’t.

I know he tried his best to prove his love and he messed up yet I can’t move forward. So after one big fight and me not accepting his apology, he told me that he needed space. After a day or so he wanted a serious talk about our relationship. That’s the time I knew it was over, he would break up with me. I talked to a close friend of mine which knows both of us and gave me some advice. I thought I can convince him to work things out once more but he doesn’t want me anymore nor see any future with me. During the call, I can’t even speak or utter words. I can hear the truth in his voice and it hurts so much knowing he meant everything. I asked him multiple times and it’s still the same. He wanted to leave me. End whatever we had.

After our call he left me a message, thanking me for everything and hoping that we can still support each other even though we aren’t together anymore. I thought I can be mature and move on even if I see his name on my social feeds daily or even in gaming. I thought I don’t care even if he purposely make it known that he is with a new girl or flirts with many but there’s too much my heart can take. I couldn’t accept that he moved on and I fell apart.

I tried to contain my feelings but last Tuesday I sent him some messages to vent out some things but even after receiving them (Messenger showed delivered) he ignored them. I’m pretty sure he saw yet decided not to reply. He was active online and at that time I realized, what’s the purpose of keeping in touch with someone who never was your friend and purposely ignores you. He was the one who wanted to support each other and I never wanted to remain in contact after the traumas I got from his bad treatment in the first place. After thinking and asking for advice from our friend who knows what we had, I made up my mind.

I deleted him from everything. I also wanted to leave the server I started with close friends since he regularly interacts with our friends there. As I write this, I am still conflicted. I want to spend time with friends yet it pains me to see him. He even changed his display photo of a girl who is most likely the new one. Only a couple knows about us but some have suspicions. It’s really hard to move on if I can still see him. I promised a friend to stay but I made up my mind. If April ends and I don’t feel any better with him staying, I will leave for the time being ‘til I am better. I am sure they will understand why if it happens.

A friend told me I should do what’s best for me. That’s what I keep in mind and why would I give a damn about what he thinks after everything? I should leave the negativity behind. Even it hurts like hell knowing how he moved on so fast, I have to feel it ‘til the sting stops.

SELF-HEALING

This is the hardest part. I am not sure how long would it take for me to heal and then get over him. I guess just like any other stuff I should trust the process. At least I did the first part which is detoxifying from his attention on social media. He might not even care at all about whatever I post or share so I should stop my brain from assuming he cares.

I am sad and I cry a lot but life goes on. I will just continue distracting myself and go out of the house as much as possible. I am having a hard time playing games even with friends because it reminds me of him so much. Funny thing, I renewed my Netflix subscription but can’t watch any since that’s what we did almost every night.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ― Joseph Campbell

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}

Mood Board 6 | April 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 15:50:00 +0000

Squeeze The Day

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Fri, 15 Apr 2022 13:38:00 +0000

Summer is in the air so I created this vector to feel the vibes. Also, my birthday just passed a few days ago and I celebrated it with the family so I wasn't able to post this last week. I'm pretty sure most of you are ready to show of your beach body and yours truly isn't hahaha! I am preparing for the wedding so I am avoiding some tan. Most likely we'll go to the beach after all the events and can't wait for that day to come.

"Friends, sun, sand, and sea, that sounds like a summer to me." ― Unknown

Now playing:

Closer - Saweetie ft. H.E.R.

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own the gif}

Mood Board 5 | April 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Wed, 06 Apr 2022 14:45:00 +0000

Queen of Broken Hearts

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 16:23:00 +0000

My current state of mind represents this artwork that I've made. When I saw this reference, it clearly depicts what I am feeling inside. The black and white outfit kinda resembles a funeral attire and for me it's like saying goodbye to all the negativity I endured during my past relationship. The sunflower bouquet gives off a sunny disposition in the future which I am looking forward to.

"The future rewards those who press on. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I don’t have time to complain. I’m going to press on." ― Barack Obama

Now playing:

queen of broken hearts - blackbear

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own the gif}

Mood Board 4 | March 2022

noreply@blogger.com (Elayne) — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 07:30:00 +0000